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Speaker 1: Appogiae Production. Welcome to the Sheep Risers Podcast. I'm Ashley

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Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana. This podcast is.

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Speaker 2: About female empowerment and encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest,

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Speaker 2: and most authentic version of yourself.

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Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.

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Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone

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Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.

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Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level of self.

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Speaker 1: Welcome back, Hello Wednesday, Good morning, Hey, feeling babe good?

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Speaker 2: Ready to choose myself?

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Speaker 1: Ready to choose yourself? That's what we're talking about today.

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Speaker 1: We're talking about talking about that, how often we say

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Speaker 1: yes to everyone else and say no to ourselves, and

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Speaker 1: what that does, how unproductive it is, what it does

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Speaker 1: to our nervous sys and what it does to our relationships,

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Speaker 1: what it does to our connections, and how are we

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Speaker 1: going to help guide you to stop doing that? Shit

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Speaker 1: doesn't serve you damn straight.

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Speaker 2: Choosing yourself can be really uncomfortable, especially when it hurts.

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Speaker 2: It hurts to choose yourself, and I think a lot

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Speaker 2: of women, and I think everyone in general to some

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Speaker 2: degree has experienced this where choosing themselves, men saying no

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Speaker 2: to someone that they love. Yeah, I think it shows

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Speaker 2: up a lot in relationships, especially when there's a mismatch

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Speaker 2: or there's a lack of compatibility and things like that,

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Speaker 2: and you just find yourself feeling like I can either

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Speaker 2: choose this person or I can choose myself.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I feel like oftentimes we choose other people.

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Speaker 1: Because we're scared. We're scared they're going to be angry

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Speaker 1: at us. We're scared they're going to be upset with us.

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Speaker 1: I know, I get scared that they'll think I don't

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Speaker 1: want to help them, or if you know they're stuck

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Speaker 1: and you know you can help them, but maybe it's

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Speaker 1: a disservice to them if you keep saving them. There's

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Speaker 1: so many reasons why we say yes or no, but

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Speaker 1: I think most women struggle to say yes to themselves

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Speaker 1: because we've been praised growing up that oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: you're so nice, you're so helpful, you're the one that's

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Speaker 1: always there for me, I can always rely on you, like,

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Speaker 1: thank you so much, And then we get praised and

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Speaker 1: there's positive reinforcement that we get love when we show

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Speaker 1: up that way yes and when we say no. A

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Speaker 1: lot of us have evidence of someone being upset with

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Speaker 1: that and saying, well, you know you should do that

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Speaker 1: for me. Do you not care for me? Do you

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Speaker 1: want me to do that by myself. I can't believe

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Speaker 1: you won't help me with that. I would help you

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Speaker 1: with that. And it's like this guilt gets put back

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Speaker 1: on you, so then you're barning yourself. So of course, okay,

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Speaker 1: I'll do it. I'll put my stuff aside. And I

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Speaker 1: think we're all guilty of doing this. But let's talk

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Speaker 1: about what it does to the connections and the relationship.

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Speaker 1: First of all, it builds resentment because you're then, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: a lot of the time, if you're constantly saying yes

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Speaker 1: to everyone else, you're saying no to yourself. You miss

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Speaker 1: out on things that are really important to you. You

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Speaker 1: can also get really exhausted doing everything for everyone else.

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Speaker 1: Your stuff doesn't get done, so then you feel angry

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Speaker 1: at them, but at the end of the day, you're

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Speaker 1: the one that's agreed to it. Yeah, And then it

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Speaker 1: puts this like invisible wedge between you and the person

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Speaker 1: that you love because you feel that resentment and that

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Speaker 1: energy towards them and they're off living their life. You

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Speaker 1: said yes, I don't know how you're really feeling. Sure,

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Speaker 1: you know, it's not their responsibility to manage your emotions

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Speaker 1: through that, but it's your responsibility to honor what feels

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Speaker 1: right for you. And it's different day to day week tweak,

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Speaker 1: Like I say yes to a lot more things when

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Speaker 1: I have more capacity. I say yes now when I

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Speaker 1: know I can, Whereas I used to say yes all

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Speaker 1: the time and fear of being abandoned. Whereas now it's like,

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Speaker 1: if I've got the capacity, how are you. I love

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Speaker 1: helping you, Yes, helping them. Being of service is a

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Speaker 1: high value of mind. I love contributing to people. It's

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Speaker 1: hugely important to me. But not at the cost of

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Speaker 1: my own mental health, not at the cost of my

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Speaker 1: kids time, and not at the cost of the energy

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Speaker 1: that I do not have. I've got to have the

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Speaker 1: capacity for it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I love that. I really struggled with choosing myself

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Speaker 2: for a lot of my life, if I'm being honest, Yeah,

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Speaker 2: self abandoning in hopes that it would gain the love

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Speaker 2: of others. Yeah, And that's what we just want to be.

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Speaker 1: Love to just love a girls what I've loved.

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Speaker 2: And that's a really hard thing to kind of make

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Speaker 2: sense of when you're doing it because when you're in

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Speaker 2: the moment, it doesn't feel like self abandonment. No, not

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Speaker 2: in the very moment that you do it. Yes, it's

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Speaker 2: always the aftermath of the self abandonment. Do you feel

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Speaker 2: the effects and the aftermath of it. But in the moment,

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Speaker 2: you have so much to gain because you're like, but

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Speaker 2: if I do this for this person, and I just

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Speaker 2: do what they say, and I you know, I'm there

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Speaker 2: for them, and I show up for them.

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Speaker 1: Even a good friend and a good partner, even though it.

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Speaker 2: Might be an inconvenience or it throws out my schedule, Like,

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Speaker 2: I'm going to do it anyway, because then in me

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Speaker 2: doing this, I'm going to get something in return. And

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Speaker 2: that's conditional giving.

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Speaker 1: That's conditional giving. And it is a very quick trap

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Speaker 1: to get stecond, right. We do things to gain pleasure

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Speaker 1: or avoid pain. Yes, and I think sometimes the pain

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Speaker 1: of abandoning ourselves feels less scary than the pain of

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Speaker 1: them being upset with us, So we choose them. But

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Speaker 1: over time, if you're always going to be a people,

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Speaker 1: please trust me, you're going to burn and crash. You

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Speaker 1: can't sustain that long term without becoming bitter resentful and

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Speaker 1: miserable at the end of the day, that's on you

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Speaker 1: and other people.

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Speaker 2: Isn't it so interesting as well? Knowing that it's wanting

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Speaker 2: somebody else's love is quotations more powerful than wanting our

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Speaker 2: own love, I know. Right, it really shows us as

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Speaker 2: a collective where we're at in terms of self love

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Speaker 2: and how much we value that. I know, you know,

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Speaker 2: it's unfortunate. It's really sad because we're like, oh wow,

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Speaker 2: like I must abandon myself so much because their love

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Speaker 2: gives more weight than the love of myself. And it's

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Speaker 2: just interesting how perspective is a little bit skewed on

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Speaker 2: that of like, yeah, this person's love means more to

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Speaker 2: me than it does to give myself my own. So

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Speaker 2: it's like, how can we shift that narrative of you know,

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Speaker 2: other people being more important than ourselves the most important first,

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Speaker 2: and then everybody else under that.

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Speaker 1: Well, this is what you coach women with, right, is

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Speaker 1: self worth and self love and self respect. Yeah, like

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Speaker 1: most of your clients, this is exactly what you're helping

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Speaker 1: them with. And when they come to you and talk

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Speaker 1: about this, like is there a couple of straight out

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Speaker 1: things that you help them with? Like tips or tricks

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Speaker 1: or how do you guide them through that to not

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Speaker 1: be the people, please, not be the yes girl, and

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Speaker 1: to actually choose themselves Because if they've been doing it

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Speaker 1: for twenty five years, how do they all of a

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Speaker 1: sudden stop. That's conditioning, that's patterns, that's habits. How do

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Speaker 1: you help them to make a change with that?

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Speaker 2: Well, the biggest thing is like giving them permission to

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Speaker 2: see it first, right, because it's like, yes, we might

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Speaker 2: uncle justly know that we do it, but do we

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Speaker 2: actually see it for what it is? And do we

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Speaker 2: see how much is actually impacting us day to day?

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Speaker 2: You know, like you prioritizing that other person and then

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Speaker 2: not putting yourself forward is like, Okay, are you giving

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Speaker 2: up on your goals? Are you giving up in your dreams?

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Speaker 2: Are you neglecting your self love and your self care?

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Speaker 2: Because you want to go see that person? And I

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Speaker 2: think that's the biggest thing is firstly just awareness, and

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Speaker 2: then after that it's helping remind my clients that they

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Speaker 2: have a voice and that they have needs once desires

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Speaker 2: of their own outside of the people that they're trying to.

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Speaker 1: Take care of that are important, that are important.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, because what I noticed more so recently actually, a

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Speaker 2: lot of women have been coming to me for either

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Speaker 2: being in a relationship they're not happy with and they're

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Speaker 2: neglecting themselves post relationship break up where they've completely lost

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Speaker 2: their identity and lost their confidence, or post divorce even

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Speaker 2: years later, where they still don't know how to pick

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Speaker 2: up the baton and create their life again. And so

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Speaker 2: the biggest thing has just been shifting their focus from

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Speaker 2: other to them. So every time that they're overgiving, over delivering,

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Speaker 2: overly nurturing, overly taking care of other people, it's shifting that,

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Speaker 2: pulling that energy back from other people and putting it

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Speaker 2: on themselves. So I say to them, even temporarily, for

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Speaker 2: these women, especially, Okay, in this season of your life,

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Speaker 2: it's just going to be a short season. Yeah, we're

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Speaker 2: just going to focus on you.

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Speaker 1: Or is there resistance with that?

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Speaker 2: Always?

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Speaker 1: How do I do that? Always? How do I imagine?

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Speaker 1: I know? How do I do that?

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Speaker 2: I just want to make them dinner, and I just

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Speaker 2: want to take care of them, and I just want

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Speaker 2: to make their life easy. Okay, cool, but what do

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Speaker 2: you want?

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Speaker 1: Yeah?

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Speaker 2: And it's just a constantly reminding them that they have needs, wants,

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Speaker 2: and desires and like almost shedding light on those desires

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Speaker 2: to bring them to the forefront. The more that they

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Speaker 2: can see that they have their own wants, needs and desires,

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Speaker 2: the bigger they become because it's almost like mission for

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Speaker 2: them to see it.

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Speaker 1: It's not only what they want, right, it's what they need.

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Speaker 2: It's what they need.

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Speaker 1: You need to take care of you like want and

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Speaker 1: needed quite different, what do you actually need? And if

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Speaker 1: they don't have the answers to that, that's a big

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Speaker 1: red flag. Hundred percent.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I think there are three biggest components. Okay, the

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Speaker 2: three biggest components mindset, identity, and behavior. So mindset is

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Speaker 2: the mindset shift around you're actually the most important person

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Speaker 2: in your life.

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Speaker 1: For hard one for people to really own.

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Speaker 2: But what's important is like creating safety in that yeah,

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Speaker 2: creating safety to take up space, creating safety to have

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Speaker 2: once needs and desires, creating safety in actually being in

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Speaker 2: the spotlight of your own life.

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Speaker 1: So that's the first shift.

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Speaker 2: The second shift is the identity of like I'm less

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Speaker 2: than everybody else, you know, I'm less than, I'm inferior,

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Speaker 2: I'm not as deserving, I'm not enough, all that sort

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Speaker 2: of stuff. So we kind of have to look at

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Speaker 2: the identity and shift the way that they perceive themselves, right, Yeah,

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Speaker 2: in comparison to other people, because it's like, if the

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Speaker 2: women are always seeing themselves as less than they've got

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Speaker 2: everybody else up on a pedestal, automatically, they're going to

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Speaker 2: suppress their needs, wants and desires. So we like address that,

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Speaker 2: and then behavior is looking at all of those things

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Speaker 2: that they want and need in their life and then

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Speaker 2: actually actioning those things. So it's like not just mindset

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Speaker 2: identity behavior, it's on all different avenues that they're actually

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Speaker 2: transforming their relationship.

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Speaker 1: With about that really cool? So cool.

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Speaker 2: I love witnessing women go through it, yea, because they

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Speaker 2: go from this sometimes dull shell of a human version

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Speaker 2: of themselves where they've lost themselves. They don't know who

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Speaker 2: they are anymore. They don't know what they like, they

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Speaker 2: don't know what they want, they don't know who they are.

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Speaker 2: They don't even know how to communicate with people because

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Speaker 2: they're so anxious. Yeah to holy shit, I am this

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Speaker 2: force of a woman and a human being that gets

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Speaker 2: to be my bigness and be all of who I am,

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Speaker 2: take up space and I actually go out and get

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Speaker 2: the things that I want in life.

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Speaker 1: Oh, that's just so rewarding to see that transformation. It

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Speaker 1: is the best I think a lot of women too.

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Speaker 1: I've spoken about this before at my event's. Actually my

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Speaker 1: coach Taylor taught me this, and it's like, you know,

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Speaker 1: the whole saying you can't pour from an empty cup.

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Speaker 1: It's like the I we all. A lot of people

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Speaker 1: live where it's all we are, so they look after

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Speaker 1: everyone for themselves. Then they look after their family and friends,

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Speaker 1: and then their last bottom of the barrel. Whereas, like

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Speaker 1: I flipped it, I used to be that. I used

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Speaker 1: to want to put everyone else first, make sure everyone's

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Speaker 1: looked after, like community online, like work everyone, and then

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Speaker 1: like I get home and I've got a little bit

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Speaker 1: of energy left my family, and then at the end

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Speaker 1: of the I'm like I've got nothing left myself. You

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Speaker 1: can do that for a certain period of time until

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Speaker 1: once again, you build out resentment and you're feeling bitter,

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Speaker 1: you're feeling angry, you're not feeling that up and fulfilled

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Speaker 1: because you're not doing anything for yourself. Whereas now it's

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Speaker 1: like I we all, I will be the best mum

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Speaker 1: and be able to take care of everyone when I

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Speaker 1: take care of myself first. So that's filling into my cup,

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Speaker 1: doing things that bring me joy, doing things that keeps

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Speaker 1: my health the best that it is, getting enough sleep,

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Speaker 1: having fun, all my passions, purposes, on point, hobbies, connection,

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Speaker 1: all the things that I value, and then my cup's

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Speaker 1: really full, and then overflows to my kids and my

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Speaker 1: family really easily. And then I've got lots left over

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Speaker 1: for my community. That so people always say to me,

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Speaker 1: how can you show up every single day for the

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Speaker 1: last ten to fifteen years, How do you continue to give?

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Speaker 1: How do you apply to all your dms? How do

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Speaker 1: you have these big conversations. It's like, because I take

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Speaker 1: care of me first, I've got overflow. Yes, if it's

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Speaker 1: flipped around, I'm on empty, I'm going to be snappy,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to be not patient. I'm not going to

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Speaker 1: have an energy and life force behind me to be

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Speaker 1: able to contribute and to do things I want to do,

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Speaker 1: and to be able to make the impact that I

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Speaker 1: want to make. So important to choose yourself yes, and

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Speaker 1: that unfortunately does require you saying no to a lot

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Speaker 1: of people. Yeah, a lot of things.

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Speaker 2: I think that's the biggest thing, isn't it like being

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Speaker 2: disappointing people? Yes, And the way that I like to

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Speaker 2: frame it at least it has been helpful for me

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Speaker 2: is like, for this short period of time whilst I'm

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Speaker 2: learning how to choose myself, I just have to be

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Speaker 2: really firm with my boundaries in a short season, and

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Speaker 2: then after I can be a little bit more flexible

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Speaker 2: when I've got more capacity, more time, more energy. But

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Speaker 2: right now, if I'm on empty and I'm emotionally at

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Speaker 2: my wits end, I don't have any capacity. I'm struggling.

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Speaker 2: I'm resentful towards everyone in my life. Okay, I need

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Speaker 2: to clean some things up. Yeah, and then let your

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Speaker 2: own lane, yeah, clean up, clean one hundred percent, clean

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Speaker 2: up your own shit and being willing to go Okay.

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Speaker 2: The more that I say no to everyone else right now,

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Speaker 2: the more I'm going to say yes to myself.

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Speaker 1: And what I.

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Speaker 2: Found through doing that has created a lot of space

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Speaker 2: for myself. So it's like, you know, people assume that

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Speaker 2: if you're not working automatically free, yeah, but it's like, no,

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Speaker 2: that's not the case. That's not And you know, having

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Speaker 2: those boundaries with yourself around that as well of like

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Speaker 2: you know, just because you're not working doesn't mean that

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Speaker 2: you're free or you have time.

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Speaker 1: You're allowed to have space.

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Speaker 2: What if you needed thirty minutes to yourself to go

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Speaker 2: to the beach in journal, Go take that time, give

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Speaker 2: that to yourself, because how you're going to show up

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Speaker 2: after that thirty minutes is going to be a world

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Speaker 2: of difference. If you haven't eaten all day, you've put

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Speaker 2: everybody else first, you've overgiven in your job because you're

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Speaker 2: doing it for free.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you know things like that. And what I love

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Speaker 1: too is we always talk about is to stop assuming

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Speaker 1: that people can't handle no. Yes, we assume that they're

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Speaker 1: going to be angry, we assume that they're gonna not

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Speaker 1: survive without us, assume that you won't better get that

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Speaker 1: job done. We assume that they're going to abandon us

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Speaker 1: or be angry at all the things. But like, stop

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Speaker 1: assuming you don't actually know. Sometimes now I think, because

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Speaker 1: I'm around the right people, when I say no, it's

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Speaker 1: fully respected and it's like, oh, of course you've got

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Speaker 1: the kids. Of course I know you've had a really

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Speaker 1: hard week or good, I'll sort it out. It's never

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Speaker 1: met with anger or disappointment. Or shame or someone trying

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Speaker 1: to make me feel guilty about it. So stop assuming

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Speaker 1: that you say no that they're going to do all

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Speaker 1: those things, because they might be totally fine with it

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Speaker 1: and totally understanding. Be like actually, yeah, I was your

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Speaker 1: old and be saying yes that either, fuck that, yes totally.

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Speaker 1: There's been times where over the years, like say, I

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Speaker 1: remember this one time where someone needed help moving something

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Speaker 1: and it.

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Speaker 2: Was always the one.

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Speaker 1: It was in a massive group message and there was

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Speaker 1: lots of people and Steve didn't reply, and I remember

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Speaker 1: shaming him for it. I was like, babe, you should

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Speaker 1: put your hand up and do that, Like why would

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Speaker 1: you not? He's like, do you know how exhausted I

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Speaker 1: am this week? I've given everything to work, to our family.

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Speaker 1: I'm so tired and Billy king my eyes open, like

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Speaker 1: I'm going to say no, I need to put myself first.

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Speaker 1: I need to rest and I just want quality time

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Speaker 1: with you guys. I'm not going to go on volunteer

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Speaker 1: four hours and my Saturday afternoon like I'm sorry. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: And I remember then realizing I was like, oh, I

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Speaker 1: shouldn't have shamed him for that. He's allowed to say

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Speaker 1: no and they're allowed to go get someone else. It's

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Speaker 1: really cool for me to see that. And I was like, Oh,

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Speaker 1: that's really inspiring. You can say no, Yeah, doesn't feel

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Speaker 1: right for you and you don't have the capacity. Good

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Speaker 1: on you for honoring yourself. I love that.

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Speaker 2: And what a beautiful opportunity for you to see even

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Speaker 2: how quickly it can be for us to turn something

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Speaker 2: of somebody else, right, it's just a split second and

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Speaker 2: obviously super harmless. Yeah, for it to then become a

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Speaker 2: problem of somebody immediately feeling guilt in that moment.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you know. And I projected that onto him because

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Speaker 1: I'm a yes person. So I was like, Oh, where

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Speaker 1: does this show up for me? That I'm making him

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Speaker 1: feel shameful. I would feel shameful for not putting my

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Speaker 1: hand up yes, because I've told myself to be loved

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Speaker 1: and to be accepted and to be liked, I have

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Speaker 1: to say yes and do everything for everyone else. I

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Speaker 1: was like, Oh, I can't actually have to do that.

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Speaker 1: That's so interesting, that's cool. Yeah, it was a cool

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Speaker 1: It was as years ago, but ye, at the moment

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Speaker 1: and now when he says no, I like respect.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I love that boundary boundary. It's so interesting. The

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Speaker 2: moving one is a I feel like it's so relevant.

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Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, it's a torture, isn't it.

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Speaker 2: Oh So my family are very much many hands make light.

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Speaker 1: Work, which is true.

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Speaker 2: It's very true.

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Speaker 1: They're very hands on when it comes to moving up.

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Speaker 2: They are absolutely you bet you, I'm getting my name

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Speaker 2: put down for moving.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: So my mom and my nana have always said stuff

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Speaker 2: like that and the interesting you on. Like on my

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Speaker 2: mom's side, she's got lots of siblings and there's lots

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Speaker 2: of uncles and all the things. So when someone moves,

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Speaker 2: everyone's in, like, everyone's all hands on deck, like helping move.

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Speaker 2: My uncles are in like all of the things. And

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Speaker 2: I remember when I first started coming into learning boundaries

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Speaker 2: myself and being able to say no to others. I

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Speaker 2: really had to implement it with family hard.

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Speaker 1: Because they would have been met with resistance. Like everyone's

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Speaker 1: helping except Tiana.

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Speaker 2: I would love to get my mum on here to

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Speaker 2: have a conversation about how much she hated it.

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Speaker 1: Wow, she hated it because I.

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Speaker 2: Was the first one in the family to actually start

379
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Speaker 2: saying no, to have boundaries, to say no, to say

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Speaker 2: no to being a helping hand, and unfortunately it was

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Speaker 2: met with gil what do you mean No, Yeah, that's

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Speaker 2: just expected around.

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Speaker 1: Everyone else is doing it. Why would you not? Why

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Speaker 1: do you think you're superior? That's right.

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Speaker 2: My mom and my dad are both very much will

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Speaker 2: literally give you the shirt off their backs. They will

387
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Speaker 2: go above and beyond. Right, So it's almost that expectation

388
00:16:06,001 --> 00:16:07,361
Speaker 2: was then put on me to do the same.

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Speaker 1: That's it. Hey, when you give a certain way, you

390
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Speaker 1: kind of expect it bad traditional.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's so easy to do that. We all do that,

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Speaker 2: and so I just found it, yeah, really interesting to

393
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Speaker 2: receive that. And I like what you said around when

394
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Speaker 2: you don't have capacity, you're allowed to say no. But

395
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Speaker 2: what I learned through doing that was if I actually

396
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Speaker 2: just don't want to, I'm not going to.

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Speaker 1: It doesn't even have to be in capacity, you just

398
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Speaker 1: don't want to do it.

399
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Speaker 2: Yeah, my body, no, I don't want to help. Yeah,

400
00:16:33,881 --> 00:16:35,921
Speaker 2: I can contribute in other ways that feels good to me,

401
00:16:36,241 --> 00:16:39,521
Speaker 2: and that's learning your own boundaries of going, Okay, what

402
00:16:39,561 --> 00:16:43,201
Speaker 2: you're asking of me doesn't feel good for me. However,

403
00:16:43,281 --> 00:16:46,441
Speaker 2: what I can contribute is this, And so what that

404
00:16:46,441 --> 00:16:48,641
Speaker 2: looked like for me is like Okay, all of you

405
00:16:48,721 --> 00:16:50,561
Speaker 2: have been working all day. I'm going to come. I'm

406
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Speaker 2: going to go buy lunch. I'm going to bring lunch

407
00:16:52,121 --> 00:16:55,561
Speaker 2: to everyone, beautiful, take care of everybody needed, and contribute

408
00:16:55,561 --> 00:16:57,561
Speaker 2: in a way that actually feels good. Bad. But don't

409
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Speaker 2: ask me to move a fucking washing machine.

410
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Speaker 1: I'm going to break my back and worth risking my head.

411
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Speaker 2: I mean, isn't it so interesting the different levels of

412
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Speaker 2: depth of boundaries. I had an experience where it was

413
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Speaker 2: my older sister Danny's thirtieth birthday and my sister Chantala

414
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Speaker 2: and I we weren't talking at the time. We had

415
00:17:12,721 --> 00:17:15,041
Speaker 2: like a break where we were like, not friends, not

416
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,321
Speaker 2: talking for a little while, and we were just in

417
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Speaker 2: the middle of conflict. So wee because you guys are

418
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Speaker 2: so close now, So yeah, I know it's so strange

419
00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:25,400
Speaker 2: in what life. Yeah laterally anyway, so we weren't talking,

420
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Speaker 2: we were in the middle of conflict and stuff. And

421
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Speaker 2: I remember Danny, you know, sending me the invite to

422
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Speaker 2: her birthday. And Danny and I live very separate lives,

423
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Speaker 2: love her, but we just lived very different lives. Yeah,

424
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Speaker 2: we're kiddies now, and she's very immersed in Mum life

425
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Speaker 2: and all that sort of stuff doesn't live here. And anyway,

426
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Speaker 2: she invited me, and I remember telling my parents like,

427
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Speaker 2: I'm not going to go, and I ended up honoring

428
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Speaker 2: that and not going because Chantala and I were in

429
00:17:50,001 --> 00:17:52,681
Speaker 2: the middle of conflict and I just thought it would

430
00:17:52,721 --> 00:17:55,561
Speaker 2: probably work out better if I'm not there. And it

431
00:17:56,001 --> 00:17:58,001
Speaker 2: was a selfish thing to some degree of like I

432
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Speaker 2: want to protect my peace. And also it was like

433
00:18:01,041 --> 00:18:03,840
Speaker 2: a if I go, it'll probably blow up, and I

434
00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:05,801
Speaker 2: don't want that for Danny, and I don't look out

435
00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:06,360
Speaker 2: for her birthday.

436
00:18:06,481 --> 00:18:09,161
Speaker 1: It's a tricky situation, though, isn't it. Yeah, it's definitely hard.

437
00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:09,880
Speaker 1: I wanted to go.

438
00:18:10,041 --> 00:18:11,160
Speaker 2: Oh she was not happy with me.

439
00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:13,721
Speaker 1: Yeah, and then she's upset. And then you're upset because

440
00:18:13,721 --> 00:18:14,880
Speaker 1: you would like to go. But you don't have to

441
00:18:14,921 --> 00:18:16,881
Speaker 1: blow up. You don't have to be uncomfortable. You don't

442
00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:18,761
Speaker 1: want to be around that person, but you'll not go

443
00:18:18,801 --> 00:18:20,801
Speaker 1: there to be with your sister. Oh, that is tough.

444
00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:23,480
Speaker 2: And she couldn't understand my decision. She wasn't happy with it.

445
00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:24,920
Speaker 1: She couldn't have her birthday.

446
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:27,960
Speaker 2: Ye put your shit aside, Like, let's just show up,

447
00:18:28,001 --> 00:18:29,960
Speaker 2: come to the birthday. Celebrate me all the things, and

448
00:18:30,001 --> 00:18:31,921
Speaker 2: I just in that moment of time in my life,

449
00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:34,080
Speaker 2: I was very strong on my boundaries and I was

450
00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:35,881
Speaker 2: just like, I'm just not letting this lide. I don't

451
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:37,920
Speaker 2: think it'll be good. Like I love you, I'll celebrate

452
00:18:37,961 --> 00:18:40,120
Speaker 2: you in other ways, but this isn't it for me.

453
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:42,401
Speaker 2: And that was a really hard thing because her being

454
00:18:42,441 --> 00:18:44,041
Speaker 2: disappointed in me was like really tough.

455
00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:45,600
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, so tough.

456
00:18:45,801 --> 00:18:47,240
Speaker 2: But it was the right. I still believe it was

457
00:18:47,241 --> 00:18:47,761
Speaker 2: the right to see.

458
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:50,601
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, it's tricky. It's figuring it out what's right

459
00:18:50,681 --> 00:18:53,080
Speaker 1: for you, what's right for the situation, and where to

460
00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:54,440
Speaker 1: say yes and no to. But we just want to

461
00:18:54,441 --> 00:18:56,561
Speaker 1: have this conversation to bring more awareness around where you're

462
00:18:56,561 --> 00:18:59,281
Speaker 1: saying yes, where you're saying no, Where does it feel good,

463
00:18:59,321 --> 00:19:01,481
Speaker 1: where does it feel not? What's your reasons behind saying

464
00:19:01,521 --> 00:19:05,001
Speaker 1: yes and no? And just to check in more because

465
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:06,920
Speaker 1: you don't want it to let this shit build up

466
00:19:06,961 --> 00:19:09,360
Speaker 1: and build up and have resentment and be bitter. It's

467
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:11,080
Speaker 1: just not a nice place to be, So just check

468
00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:14,041
Speaker 1: in more. When you automatically go to say yes, is

469
00:19:14,041 --> 00:19:16,721
Speaker 1: that coming from a place of people pleasing and fear

470
00:19:16,721 --> 00:19:18,641
Speaker 1: of abandonment and fear of rejection or fear of them

471
00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:21,200
Speaker 1: being angry, or you're saying yes because you genuinely have

472
00:19:21,241 --> 00:19:23,481
Speaker 1: the capacity and you genuinely want to do it. You're

473
00:19:23,481 --> 00:19:26,001
Speaker 1: allowed to say no and stop assuming that they can't

474
00:19:26,001 --> 00:19:27,321
Speaker 1: handle it. It's in a nutshell.

475
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,400
Speaker 2: Something that really helped me with what you just explained

476
00:19:29,801 --> 00:19:33,801
Speaker 2: was instead of immediately saying yes out of anxiousness of like,

477
00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:36,401
Speaker 2: oh my god, I got to fill the space. Oh yeah, sure,

478
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,481
Speaker 2: no worries, I'll do that, just going Hey, can you

479
00:19:38,481 --> 00:19:39,920
Speaker 2: give me a minute to think on that. I'll get

480
00:19:39,961 --> 00:19:42,121
Speaker 2: back to you this afternoon. Yes, giving yourself some time,

481
00:19:42,241 --> 00:19:44,201
Speaker 2: Give yourself some time. And yeah, you know a lot

482
00:19:44,201 --> 00:19:46,160
Speaker 2: of people I feel questioned like, oh I don't know

483
00:19:46,201 --> 00:19:48,121
Speaker 2: the answer, I don't know what to do. But if

484
00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:50,680
Speaker 2: you actually check in with yourself and your body, your

485
00:19:50,721 --> 00:19:53,680
Speaker 2: body will tell you, like if you are questioning something,

486
00:19:53,721 --> 00:19:55,680
Speaker 2: whether you should or whether you shouldn't, or even if

487
00:19:55,721 --> 00:19:57,321
Speaker 2: there's a part of you that doesn't want to, you'll

488
00:19:57,360 --> 00:19:59,681
Speaker 2: actually know it. Give yourself permission to listen.

489
00:19:59,521 --> 00:20:01,880
Speaker 1: To that so true. And also I think I mean

490
00:20:01,921 --> 00:20:03,480
Speaker 1: it's a bit easy. Maybe when you've got kids in

491
00:20:03,521 --> 00:20:05,840
Speaker 1: a partner but out of respect to Steve, I do

492
00:20:06,001 --> 00:20:07,920
Speaker 1: like to check in with him. Hey, what do you

493
00:20:07,961 --> 00:20:10,001
Speaker 1: have this afternoon? I've been invited to this, Like is

494
00:20:10,041 --> 00:20:11,321
Speaker 1: that all good? Have you got the kids? How are

495
00:20:11,321 --> 00:20:12,880
Speaker 1: you feeling? Where are you at? And he does the

496
00:20:12,921 --> 00:20:13,321
Speaker 1: same for me.

497
00:20:13,441 --> 00:20:14,041
Speaker 2: That's beautiful.

498
00:20:14,041 --> 00:20:15,480
Speaker 1: Hey, Like I wanted to go out to dinner with

499
00:20:15,801 --> 00:20:17,481
Speaker 1: so and so from hideaway? Is that all good? Do

500
00:20:17,521 --> 00:20:18,080
Speaker 1: you have anything on?

501
00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:18,200
Speaker 2: Like?

502
00:20:18,201 --> 00:20:20,480
Speaker 1: We check in with each other. That gives me that space,

503
00:20:20,521 --> 00:20:22,161
Speaker 1: and I think you're allowed to use that as well,

504
00:20:22,521 --> 00:20:23,920
Speaker 1: and we just check them all that part I live

505
00:20:23,961 --> 00:20:26,441
Speaker 1: and check with my family, make sure they're all good,

506
00:20:26,921 --> 00:20:28,280
Speaker 1: and then you can make a decision from there as well.

507
00:20:28,281 --> 00:20:30,121
Speaker 1: Would it gives you that space to think about it.

508
00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:31,960
Speaker 2: I feel like it's easier to do that than it

509
00:20:32,041 --> 00:20:33,841
Speaker 2: is to go, oh no, I have to back.

510
00:20:33,681 --> 00:20:35,880
Speaker 1: Out, yes, you know, because then you feel guilty. And

511
00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:39,001
Speaker 1: then if you have to make askuse you're like should.

512
00:20:38,761 --> 00:20:39,681
Speaker 2: I tell a little white lie?

513
00:20:39,721 --> 00:20:41,321
Speaker 1: But I don't like you because then you feel good

514
00:20:41,321 --> 00:20:42,720
Speaker 1: for that. Yeah, for that, it's not who you want

515
00:20:42,761 --> 00:20:45,041
Speaker 1: to be. So yeah, giving yourself space, that's really good advice.

516
00:20:45,561 --> 00:20:48,281
Speaker 1: We hope this episode was helpful. Listen if you guys,

517
00:20:48,281 --> 00:20:49,761
Speaker 1: have any other tips or where you're aut with it.

518
00:20:49,801 --> 00:20:51,921
Speaker 1: If you're struggling, we'd love to know. You can join

519
00:20:51,961 --> 00:20:55,121
Speaker 1: our Facebook forum. It's just she rises on Facebook goeing

520
00:20:55,241 --> 00:20:59,321
Speaker 1: continue many of these conversations. Also, we have our event

521
00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:01,961
Speaker 1: coming up. Oh my god, really really excited, so exciting.

522
00:21:02,001 --> 00:21:04,561
Speaker 1: The IP is nearly sold out. It's happening in October

523
00:21:04,681 --> 00:21:08,480
Speaker 1: seven in Brisbane at the Powerhouse. If you love this podcast,

524
00:21:08,481 --> 00:21:10,720
Speaker 1: if you're listening right now, if you love hearing our

525
00:21:10,721 --> 00:21:13,921
Speaker 1: conversations expanding, you feel like you want to grow more,

526
00:21:14,041 --> 00:21:16,921
Speaker 1: meet other women, then this is the night for you.

527
00:21:17,041 --> 00:21:19,240
Speaker 1: It's only a couple of hours. We have an incredible

528
00:21:19,241 --> 00:21:23,001
Speaker 1: guest speaker, live entertainment. Goodie bags mean great opportunity for

529
00:21:23,001 --> 00:21:25,961
Speaker 1: the VIPs and come alone, come with your besties sisters

530
00:21:26,041 --> 00:21:28,440
Speaker 1: arniees w. However, and it's only happening in Brisbane. We're

531
00:21:28,441 --> 00:21:29,000
Speaker 1: not doing another one.

532
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:31,360
Speaker 2: And we're only doing one. Yeah, this is the only one.

533
00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:33,041
Speaker 2: And also the coolest thing is like it's going to

534
00:21:33,041 --> 00:21:35,041
Speaker 2: be exclusive content, Like all the things that we're going

535
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:37,920
Speaker 2: to be talking about SOI Podcasts is stuff that you

536
00:21:37,961 --> 00:21:40,080
Speaker 2: haven't heard on the podcast before. Ever, if there's a

537
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:42,120
Speaker 2: time that you come. It's going to be this because

538
00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:44,321
Speaker 2: it will be a game changer for you for so

539
00:21:44,321 --> 00:21:46,600
Speaker 2: many different reasons. We have in store for you to

540
00:21:46,681 --> 00:21:48,160
Speaker 2: come and join us on the night is going to

541
00:21:48,201 --> 00:21:49,441
Speaker 2: be incredible.

542
00:21:49,561 --> 00:21:51,640
Speaker 1: And we're not recording it. You can't listen online, you

543
00:21:51,681 --> 00:21:53,400
Speaker 1: can't hear it on the podcast later on. This is

544
00:21:53,441 --> 00:21:56,321
Speaker 1: exclusive to the night. Yes, and yeah, this guest speaker

545
00:21:56,521 --> 00:21:59,041
Speaker 1: is going to be one that'll really touch everyone in

546
00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:01,601
Speaker 1: a way they haven't been felt touched before. No physically,

547
00:22:02,481 --> 00:22:04,840
Speaker 1: that sounds a really blow you away. Yeah, honestly, like

548
00:22:05,041 --> 00:22:07,561
Speaker 1: her story and her strategies and the way she moves

549
00:22:07,561 --> 00:22:10,080
Speaker 1: through life is just like an absolute or and I

550
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:11,480
Speaker 1: can't wait for her to share that with everyone.

551
00:22:11,721 --> 00:22:12,641
Speaker 2: It's going to be amazing.

552
00:22:12,801 --> 00:22:14,561
Speaker 1: So if you need a ticket, we'll leave the link

553
00:22:14,561 --> 00:22:17,041
Speaker 1: in the description box below. Otherwise they're on ticket Tech

554
00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:18,640
Speaker 1: and you can just slide and try DMS if you

555
00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:20,441
Speaker 1: have any other questions. And I'd love to see you there,

556
00:22:20,561 --> 00:22:23,161
Speaker 1: come along, she writes. Communities not many options. We get

557
00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:25,600
Speaker 1: to get together and hang out, so be fun. We'll

558
00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:27,361
Speaker 1: see there. Bye bye,