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Speaker 1: Good. Thanks so much for listening to the show. This

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Speaker 1: is Better than Yesterday. Useful tools and useful conversations to

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Speaker 1: help make your day to day better than yesterday. Every

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Speaker 1: episode in twenty thirteen. My ams Oosha Geinsburg. I am

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Speaker 1: a podcaster, I'm a recovering TV host, I'm a best

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Speaker 1: selling author, and I'm someone who's achilles tendon has decided

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Speaker 1: to explode again. So I am Limpy Mclimpington. Today. I'm

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Speaker 1: working on another book, book number three, and it's based

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Speaker 1: on conversations I've had on this podcast. So every day

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Speaker 1: I'm doing research and going to make through the database

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Speaker 1: and I'm just uncovering solid gold. So I found some

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Speaker 1: stuff today I had to share with you. It's from

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Speaker 1: when doctor Sarah Woodhouse came on the show and we

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Speaker 1: spoke about her new book, You're Not Broken. I found

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Speaker 1: some absolute parenting gems that I had to share with

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Speaker 1: you today. Doctor Sarah Woodhouse is a traum expert, a psychologist.

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Speaker 1: She's got this incredible perspective on how pattern's behaviors and

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Speaker 1: even past traumas can shape the way we raise our kids.

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Speaker 1: Three truly transformative ideas I found, certainly about the way

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Speaker 1: we parent, or might have been parented, and I really

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Speaker 1: wanted to share them with you, because, of course, you know,

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Speaker 1: parenting it's a journey filled with ups and downs. It's

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Speaker 1: easy to fall into the trap of self criticism when

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Speaker 1: things don't go as planned. Just two mornings ago, yesterday morning,

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Speaker 1: I raised my voice at my son with the you know,

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Speaker 1: the dog was barking, something was happening, this was going on,

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Speaker 1: and he was doing a thing I'd ask him four

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Speaker 1: times not to do, and then I used the voice

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Speaker 1: and he started crying. Fuck. I had to go make

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Speaker 1: it better. And it's easy to fall into that trap

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Speaker 1: of self criticism when things like that happen. But how

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Speaker 1: do we give ourselves a break? You might be tempted

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Speaker 1: to think giving ourselves a break feels like letting us

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Speaker 1: off the hook or letting down our kids because we

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Speaker 1: don't you know whatever. But it turns out it's actually

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Speaker 1: good for us and good for our kids as well,

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Speaker 1: especially when we know we've stuffed up, we've raised that

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Speaker 1: voice when we should have, we've forgotten them at the

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Speaker 1: swing pool or whatever is Sarah's opinion. Getting angry yourself

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Speaker 1: might feel like the right thing to do, but it

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Speaker 1: is it, So what.

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Speaker 2: Is just nothing but self compassion? Because we're human and

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Speaker 2: that's part of it, you know, I would say that's

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Speaker 2: the first point, is always self compassion. If you come

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Speaker 2: at it with anything other than that, you are going

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Speaker 2: to exacerbate an already uncomfortable situation and you're going to

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Speaker 2: get kind of stuck in the reaction. Compassion pulls us

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Speaker 2: out of the traumatic reaction. Self compassion pulls us out

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Speaker 2: of it. In a critic stuff, real self hatred keeps

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Speaker 2: us in it. So self compassion is always the first step.

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Speaker 2: And in terms of practical tools, there are so many ways,

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Speaker 2: and I would say it depends what it is we

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Speaker 2: find ourselves repeating. But very often it's about learning to

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Speaker 2: be present, you know, learning to be more present, learning

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Speaker 2: to be with our feelings. And usually or often, if

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Speaker 2: we can kind of strengthen that mechanism of being able

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Speaker 2: to be present and really allow our feelings and be

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Speaker 2: with them, we over time can avoid more or better

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Speaker 2: at avoiding those kind of patterns and loops. But there

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Speaker 2: are so many different ways we can break the patterns.

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Speaker 1: When I was going back and listening to that, it

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Speaker 1: was so wonderful to be reminded of it self. Compassion

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Speaker 1: isn't a luxury, it's a necessity of being kinder to ourselves.

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Speaker 1: We can give us a little more space to break

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Speaker 1: through your negative cycles that we might be unknowingly repeating,

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Speaker 1: but also model healthier behaviors for our kids, because that's

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Speaker 1: what it's all about. They learn what you show them.

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Speaker 1: Where I, as parents, we often worry that we might

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Speaker 1: unintentionally pass some things onto our kids. And this a

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Speaker 1: little bit I wanted to play you. Dr Woodhouse discusses

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Speaker 1: how not only how kids mirror what they see in us,

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Speaker 1: but why doing our own inner work is essential to

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Speaker 1: breaking those generational cycles. And I also love this bit

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Speaker 1: because even though she's an expert, even though she's someone

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Speaker 1: who studied this stuff and deals with with you know,

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Speaker 1: clinic all the time, even she struggles with it.

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Speaker 2: I've got three kids and they are just copying me.

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Speaker 2: And there's been moments, so my eldest is eight, got eight,

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Speaker 2: six and three, and they have been very, very painful

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Speaker 2: moments where I have realized that inadvertently I am passing

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Speaker 2: on my trauma to them. And my response and the

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Speaker 2: response I tell everyone is a So this compassion piece like,

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Speaker 2: it's okay, You're only human, You're doing your best. We

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Speaker 2: can only do this when we can do it, and

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Speaker 2: b I do my work. I do what I need

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Speaker 2: to do. So most recently, I'm working with an incredible

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Speaker 2: somatic therapist, so by learning how to kind of regulate

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Speaker 2: my body better, I'm helping them regulate. So I'm doing

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Speaker 2: my work. I'm processing. It's all we can do. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: do you work, do what you need to do. And

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Speaker 2: I know that. I don't know, maybe that sounds overwhelming

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Speaker 2: to people, but it's also incredibly healing. The growth that

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Speaker 2: I have experience from being a parent is well, I

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Speaker 2: can't even express it. And it has been so painful,

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Speaker 2: so incredibly painful. But I have always committed to the

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Speaker 2: idea of parenting consciously and therefore not shying away when

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Speaker 2: I see that they're replicating a certain behavior or copying

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Speaker 2: a pattern of mine, not shying away from it, calling

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Speaker 2: a spade a spade, and then doing the work I

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Speaker 2: need to do to heal myself and trust that as

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Speaker 2: I heal, they'll get the mother that they need.

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Speaker 1: Self awareness sounds like such a thing you might need

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Speaker 1: to buy a Liden shirt to be able to be

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Speaker 1: a part of But it's just noticing. So I talk

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Speaker 1: about it all the time. It's just important to notice,

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Speaker 1: just notice what's going on with us that's interesting, and

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Speaker 1: focus on what we can do about it, What can

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Speaker 1: we do that leads us towards being the kind of

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Speaker 1: parent who want to be. Growth as well as the

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Speaker 1: growth and development of our kids. We've got to focus

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Speaker 1: on air growth as well, because when we address our

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Speaker 1: own pat we can create a healthier environment for our

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Speaker 1: kids to thrive in. I do need to take an

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Speaker 1: ad break in a moment. There's this other part I

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Speaker 1: found I wanted to write about, but I wanted to

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Speaker 1: share it with you first. Will we're getting a sneak preview.

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Speaker 1: It's this inside about trauma and what you can do

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Speaker 1: about the fact that inevitably your child is going to

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Speaker 1: be traumatized. Back in a moment, Thanks for listening to

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Speaker 1: the show. Just before we get to the last part

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Speaker 1: with Sarah, a quick reminder if you're liking the show,

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Speaker 1: please like, subscribe, rate, follow, share it. Just give this

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Speaker 1: to somebody, Share it with somebody. There's a link in

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Speaker 1: the show notes that'll take you to the newsletter because

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Speaker 1: the email's going out regularly now, thank goodness, and also

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Speaker 1: tickets to story Club. The next show is in April.

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Speaker 1: The YouTube channel is live twenty four to seven. All

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Speaker 1: that stuff is in the show notes. But Sarah, doctor

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Speaker 1: Sarah Woodhouse, sorry first name, but it's been to doctor

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Speaker 1: Sarah Woodhouse. She has this really powerful way of talking

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Speaker 1: about trauma, because trauma is an unavoidable part of life.

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Speaker 1: It's going to happen to all of us. But how

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Speaker 1: we respond to it that can make all the difference,

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Speaker 1: not only for us but for our kids. Because it's

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Speaker 1: an uncomfortable truth to realize that, just like when we

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Speaker 1: were kids, our own children are going to get folded

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Speaker 1: in half by life. Sometimes it's painful. It's the thing

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Speaker 1: that made me weep. As soon as I found out

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Speaker 1: we were pregnant. Audrey held me. I was like, what

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Speaker 1: if I can't protect him from the you know, and

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Speaker 1: she said, that's that's the job. That's our job is

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Speaker 1: to help him manage that. She's right, okay. And what

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Speaker 1: Sarah has to say about how parents can help their

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Speaker 1: children process difficult experiences in a way that Foster's resilience

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Speaker 1: and Foster's growth in that space is just so powerful

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Speaker 1: and that if we work at it, we can turn

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Speaker 1: those challenges into opportunities, not just for healing, but for growth.

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Speaker 2: Trauma is part of life, and our kids are going

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Speaker 2: to experience it. They most likely already have. And as

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Speaker 2: a parent, although I understand that that concept is deeply

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Speaker 2: frightening for a lot of people, trauma is part of life.

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Speaker 2: It's part of being human. So accepting that our kids

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Speaker 2: are not only going to feel pain in their lives,

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Speaker 2: but they are going to experience traumatic reactions is really key,

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Speaker 2: and I firmly believe, really I get tinglers. I say

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Speaker 2: that because I feel so passionate about it. The trauma

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Speaker 2: itself is not the problem, Okay, that our reaction is

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Speaker 2: often the problem. It's okay. We can't and we mustn't

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Speaker 2: be afraid of these life events because they are part

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Speaker 2: of life. What we need to all learn to do

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Speaker 2: is how to hold ourselves and our kids and anyone

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Speaker 2: else we love through them. So it's our reaction that matters.

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Speaker 2: So it's learning, as you say, how to respond to

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Speaker 2: our kids if we notice they've gone or potentially could

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Speaker 2: have a traumatic reaction. So as a parent, we're always

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Speaker 2: searching for the cleverest thing to say, it's not about that. Validate,

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Speaker 2: say what you see, say what they're feeling. Don't try

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Speaker 2: and fix, don't try and maneuver, don't try and coerce,

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Speaker 2: don't certainly, don't belittle, don't dismiss, you know, just say

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Speaker 2: what you see.

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Speaker 1: There's a lot there. I mean, just listening to the

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Speaker 1: way she spoke, I'm reflecting on my own childhood and

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Speaker 1: also the way that I've been a stepfather and a father.

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Speaker 1: So you know that one's going to need to sit

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Speaker 1: in the back of the brain for a while while

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Speaker 1: you're going, you know, play pickleball or ping pong or

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Speaker 1: pollo or any other sport that does with peak. But

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Speaker 1: in my opinion, those three things that I played for

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Speaker 1: you today, they really focus on this idea that I'm

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Speaker 1: writing about, is that when you're parenting set parenting, or

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Speaker 1: parenting or whatever kind of parenting, when you're parenting, the

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Speaker 1: child isn't the only person that grows. Our kids aren't

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Speaker 1: the only ones that are growing up. Parenting is as

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Speaker 1: much about her own growth as it is about raising

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Speaker 1: our children and helping them grow and hearing somebody who

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Speaker 1: is has learned and experience experienced as doctor Sarah Woodhouse

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Speaker 1: talk about that, the power of self compassion, the importance

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Speaker 1: of modeling healthy behavior, the value of trying to respond

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Speaker 1: to learning to respond more often thoughtfully respond to life's challenges.

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Speaker 1: It's a good reminder that we can make the lives

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Speaker 1: of our kids better, and we can improve the lives

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Speaker 1: of our kids if we improve the way we go

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Speaker 1: about things. First, it's a tough thing to hear, but

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Speaker 1: it's true. I hope you enjoyed this. I hope it

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Speaker 1: was valuable to you. If you want to get in touch,

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Speaker 1: you can find all the links in the show notes.

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Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening. Thanks to Damian Haalfing

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Speaker 1: the New Producers episode Cassidy Creevy my ea who helps

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Speaker 1: the trains run on dime and everything else. AH see

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Speaker 1: you back here Wednesday,