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Speaker 1: Gooday, Welcome to the show. This is Better Than Yesterday.

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Speaker 2: Useful tools and useful conversations to help make your day

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Speaker 2: to day better than yesterday, every week since twenty thirteen.

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Speaker 1: My name' Josha Ginsberg. Thanks being a part of the show.

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Speaker 2: If you check into the show notes, you'll see that

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Speaker 2: you can find tickets to story Club, which is happening

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Speaker 2: this Sunday the seventh, featuring Nigel Marsh, Kevin Hahn, John Glover,

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Speaker 2: Sashi Pereira, Gretelee Jackson and myself.

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Speaker 1: The theme is.

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Speaker 2: Pants on Fire, Live Storytelling, Live on stage in Sydney.

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Speaker 1: That's also in the show notes.

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Speaker 2: That's where you can find the link to the brand

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Speaker 2: new book which you can buy, and a link to

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Speaker 2: the book reviews.

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Speaker 1: Thank you so much for leading reviews of the book. Zoe.

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Speaker 2: He wrote a beautiful book review on Amazon. This book

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Speaker 2: is a masterpiece. It had me sobbing a few pages

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Speaker 2: in and smiling by the end. I devoured it in

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Speaker 2: one sitting. She also wrote, this book is sure to

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Speaker 2: inspire anyone who's feeling like they're in a bit of

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Speaker 2: a rut. I will definitely pick it up and read

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Speaker 2: it again and again. Thank you so much for writing that, Zoe,

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Speaker 2: that makes my day, like, absolutely makes my day, because

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Speaker 2: that is the exact feeling that I wanted you to

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Speaker 2: get when reading the book. So thank you Heaps for

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Speaker 2: taking the time to do that. Court left a review

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Speaker 2: on Goodreads. Thank you for doing that. Court wrote, this

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Speaker 2: is a fantastic introduction of mindfulness, probably the most effective

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Speaker 2: psychotherapy developed to date. Court's talking about acceptance commitment therapy there.

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Speaker 2: Thank you Osha for putting simply into words, and to

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Speaker 2: Cam for adding vision what so many of us need

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Speaker 2: to practice. I'd recommend this book as a conversation starter

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Speaker 2: and a bridge to professional services. Court also wrote the

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Speaker 2: audiobook is just as good, if not better. Can't wait

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Speaker 2: for the animated short film, which is surely on the cards. Well,

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Speaker 2: I don't know if I'm going to do an animated

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Speaker 2: short film just yet, but the live show is most

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Speaker 2: definitely on the cards.

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Speaker 1: I'm developing that very reason.

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Speaker 2: I have to put a trailer out before the end

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Speaker 2: of this week when we announce the two dates, but

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Speaker 2: the film will possibly follow.

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Speaker 1: Look, you never know, but in the.

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Speaker 2: Spirit of the books, so what now what, I'm just

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Speaker 2: going to come right out and say this, I have

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Speaker 2: a hard time at kids parties, mostly because I'm reliving

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Speaker 2: my own.

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Speaker 1: Childhood horror of kids' parties.

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Speaker 2: Birthday parties in particular, I find it incredibly difficult to

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Speaker 2: be there with all of the noise and all of

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Speaker 2: the stimulation and all of the screaming. Yet at the

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Speaker 2: same time, I also really enjoy watching these fine young

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Speaker 2: human beings. Some of them I've known since they were

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Speaker 2: literally babies. I've watched them grow up, and I love

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Speaker 2: watching them become their own people, figuring out the interactions

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Speaker 2: between each other. I'm fascinated with where their social circles

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Speaker 2: move and change, the chain of command, where the alliances are.

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Speaker 2: All that stuff's really really interesting to me. It's really fun.

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Speaker 2: They're hilarious human beings that having only growing up knowing

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Speaker 2: what it's like to be a boy. Though I'm not

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Speaker 2: gonna lie, I find it difficult sometimes watching on as

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Speaker 2: an adult. In my broad experience, boys usually come in

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Speaker 2: two kinds, bam bam and other people. The bam bam

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Speaker 2: boys generally communicate and connect mostly through pushing and shoving

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Speaker 2: and punching and chasing and wrestling and screaming, sometimes all

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Speaker 2: at once. It's pretty easy to tell who is who,

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Speaker 2: because a Bam Bam can bam bam with another Bam bam,

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Speaker 2: and there's no sign of distress at all. To me,

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Speaker 2: watching it will look like a world Star hip hop

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Speaker 2: video from the sidelines, and I get filled with tension,

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Speaker 2: and I'm wondering should I run over there or should

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Speaker 2: I break up?

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Speaker 1: What's going on?

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Speaker 2: What's about to happen? Is it all going to go down?

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Speaker 2: But on closer inspection, there's no distress there. That's just

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Speaker 2: how those guys connect. They'll be rolling around on the

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Speaker 2: ground with headlocks intertwined, kicking and flailing around, and then

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Speaker 2: just get up and carry on like nothing ever happened.

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Speaker 1: They're totally cool with it.

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Speaker 2: I'm thrilled they're cool with it, and I'm certainly not

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Speaker 2: saying there's anything wrong with it, But I just can't

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Speaker 2: really understand it still because I am definitely not, nor

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Speaker 2: have I ever been in the Bam bam category.

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Speaker 1: As I've spoken about on the show before.

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Speaker 2: Getting punched in the arm as a way to connect

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Speaker 2: with me certainly not what I'm interested in as a kid.

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Speaker 2: Anything like what I've just described was only ever an

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Speaker 2: assault that I needed to defend myself from It was

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Speaker 2: never fun, It was never enjoyable, never playful. Nor can

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Speaker 2: I even still understand how it can be. But I

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Speaker 2: see other people able to do it.

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Speaker 1: I know what can happen. I just truly don't really

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Speaker 1: understand it.

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Speaker 2: So as an adult, when I'm at a kids party

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Speaker 2: with my son and I see the bambam situation just erupting,

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Speaker 2: I'm not gonna lie. It's really difficult for me because

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Speaker 2: I remember wanting so much to connect and to play

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Speaker 2: with other guys, wanting to be around them and be

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Speaker 2: in on the game. But it's like there's some sort

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Speaker 2: of unwritten rule of how hard those pushes and shoves

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Speaker 2: and that wrestling is supposed to go, and I never

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Speaker 2: knew what that was. So not as a way to

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Speaker 2: push back or defend myself, more as a way to

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Speaker 2: just try to join in.

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Speaker 1: I would, I.

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Speaker 2: Would try to be a part of the bambam, and

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Speaker 2: all that would end up happening is I would hit

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Speaker 2: or kick or punch too hard, and then suddenly, very rapidly.

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Speaker 1: It's no longer that, and then I was by myself again.

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Speaker 2: I find it really confronting me at kids' parties, only

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Speaker 2: because I'm filtering what I'm seeing through my own experience.

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Speaker 2: Bear in mind, I never act on it, and I

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Speaker 2: only ever step in if someone's in a great deal

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Speaker 2: of distress, even then only if it's my son. And

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Speaker 2: further still, I only have a handle him and together

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Speaker 2: figure out if he needs to make a bit of

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Speaker 2: space for a little while, or you know, go and

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Speaker 2: talk to someone and say sorry or something like that.

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Speaker 1: That's the extent of it.

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Speaker 2: But now that I'm going to these parties for a

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Speaker 2: little bit, I'm finding it easier and easy to discover

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Speaker 2: who are the kids who oscillate on the BAM band

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Speaker 2: frequency and who are the ones that don't. I was

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Speaker 2: at a part of the other day. There's twelve kids there,

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Speaker 2: and we're in the small party room at a venue,

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Speaker 2: you know, the kind of one that put all the

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Speaker 2: kids in one side so they can eat some cake

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Speaker 2: and stuff, so without the entire venue getting covered in cake.

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Speaker 2: I sing a tomato sauce, and when the deep fried

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Speaker 2: chicken like substances hit the table, these obviously quite hungry

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Speaker 2: and very very excited kids started to scream. So ten

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Speaker 2: of them screamed, all at the same time as loud

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Speaker 2: as they possibly could two of them put fingers in

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Speaker 2: their ears. Those two kids put their fingers in their ears.

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Speaker 2: They're not the Bam Bam kids. Again, let me be

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Speaker 2: perfectly clear, there's nothing wrong with the bambamb kids. That's

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Speaker 2: just how they roll. Literally, that's just how they roll.

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Speaker 2: They're completely fine with it. But I, however, I never

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Speaker 2: understood it and I do not get it. I was

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Speaker 2: never able to engage with it. And because I'm watching

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Speaker 2: from the sidelines and I'm kind of concerned for the

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Speaker 2: safety and well being on my son who is on

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Speaker 2: his own journey of figuring it all out, it's really

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Speaker 2: hard for me to stand by and what should all happen.

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Speaker 2: Like I said, I don't really intervene very much talking

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Speaker 2: about what it's like to be with it, because it's

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Speaker 2: one thing that Audrey is really instilled on me is

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Speaker 2: that his childhood is not my childhood. But that is

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Speaker 2: easier said than done. She was really stringent upon that

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Speaker 2: around Georgia when she was first started kind of going

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Speaker 2: out as a teenager. I guess how old she was

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Speaker 2: was around the years when I first started accessing alcohol

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Speaker 2: and getting up to all kinds of nefarious shit, and

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Speaker 2: Audrey just kept repeating, she's not you, She's not you.

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Speaker 2: And it was really difficult at first, but I came

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Speaker 2: to understand that Audrey was absolutely right and George did

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Speaker 2: not and has not made the same mistakes that I made.

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Speaker 2: The thoughts are all there in my head about this

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Speaker 2: is what's going on, this is what's going to going

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Speaker 2: to do when there's older guys at the party of

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Speaker 2: the parents, aren't there all this.

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Speaker 1: Stuff's going to happen there that it never did. Well.

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Speaker 2: I'm sure then the coming years she will reveal to me,

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Speaker 2: or maybe her friends will disclose to me that she

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Speaker 2: certainly did happen, which is probably going to terrify me

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Speaker 2: at the core after the fact. But considering I've never

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Speaker 2: been to a police station or had to stitch anything

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Speaker 2: back up of the course of her teenage years, whatever

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Speaker 2: went on was certainly nothing at all like what I

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Speaker 2: was afraid of. I think it's because whatever the girl

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Speaker 2: version of Bam Bam and other type is g as

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Speaker 2: far above all of it and has figured it all out.

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Speaker 2: She's really impressive how she can just effortlessly understand exactly

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Speaker 2: what's going on in a situation and the roles that

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Speaker 2: everyone plays just in the blink of an eye.

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Speaker 1: It's just much like her mum like that.

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Speaker 2: It's pretty astonishing how she can do it, and that

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Speaker 2: really gives her the confidence to be nearly any social

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Speaker 2: situation that I've observed her in with a calm and

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Speaker 2: controlled demeanor that is remarkable and I'm really impressed by it. Again,

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Speaker 2: I want to be really clear, I do not have that.

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Speaker 2: And Wolfgang's only six, so he's still figuring it out.

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Speaker 2: But he's also really self aware and he's able to

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Speaker 2: put his feelings into words in a way that shows me.

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Speaker 2: I think he's on the way to becoming what Georgia

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Speaker 2: is now.

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Speaker 1: Which is really bloody beautiful.

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Speaker 2: In some ways, Wolfgang's the one that God's me through

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Speaker 2: how to hand on some of these really big energy

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Speaker 2: situations because there's such a feeling inside my body that

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Speaker 2: I just I just sit there and have to be

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Speaker 2: with this feeling. And it's a lot. So I can't

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Speaker 2: stand kids' parties.

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Speaker 1: So what now?

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Speaker 2: What? Well, if there's one thing I've really learned from

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Speaker 2: Audrey is let wolf is steer the ship.

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Speaker 1: Let the kids steer the ship.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes we'll be at a party and you know, or

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Speaker 2: at least maybe an hour into it, there's been a

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Speaker 2: lot of chaos already, and he'll just come to me.

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Speaker 2: I'm just going to sit down here for a little while,

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Speaker 2: be by myself for a second. I'm going to go

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Speaker 2: back over there in a minute. I'm like, you're five.

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Speaker 2: He'll disengage for a bit, He'll have a breast with me,

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Speaker 2: I have a bit of a cuddle, and he'll get

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Speaker 2: he'll get back out there. It's incredible when he's at

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Speaker 2: this stage of his life, he can understand when he's

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Speaker 2: at capacity and heeds just a little bit of a moment.

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Speaker 2: Going to a kid's party with Wolf, even their most

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Speaker 2: well run, well planned, expertly executed, perfectly timed kids party,

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Speaker 2: it's hard for me, but I appreciate the challenge because

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Speaker 2: even though I find it physically difficult to be in

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Speaker 2: that amount of stimulation for the amount of time, I

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Speaker 2: appreciate it as an exercise in pro strict down regulation.

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Speaker 2: I will happily stand there and chat with other parents,

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Speaker 2: and while I'm present and I'm engaged in conversation and

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Speaker 2: I'm doing all that, I'll be doing the most extraordinary

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Speaker 2: down regulation. Breaths and muscle relaxation exercises. Nobody needs to

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Speaker 2: know that I'm clenching my butt cheeks and holding my

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Speaker 2: breath and then releasing all of that slowly in between

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Speaker 2: talking about the Rooster's game the other night and the

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Speaker 2: plans for the upper playground renovations that are happening over

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Speaker 2: the summertime and what's going on the P and C

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Speaker 2: and all that shit. Because one thing's for sure at

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Speaker 2: every kid's party, well two things for sure. Every child

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Speaker 2: gets a party bag, and at some point every kid there's.

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Speaker 1: Going to cry.

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Speaker 2: It doesn't matter who your kid is, it's going to happen.

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Speaker 2: And I just want to be sure that when Wolf

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Speaker 2: comes over when it needs to have a moment cuddle,

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Speaker 2: you know, get a pat on the barm and head

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Speaker 2: back into the Malee, I can be there for him

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Speaker 2: and show them that I'm a space that's calm and

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Speaker 2: safe and together. And that's a pretty good thing to

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Speaker 2: focus on. When there's one hundred and thirty decibels of

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Speaker 2: combined six year old screaming just melting my hearing aids.

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Speaker 1: It's not their fault. They're excited.

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Speaker 2: There's six and the food's just hit the table. I

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Speaker 2: still get excited when I see chips, don't you Now?

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Speaker 2: I know I'm not alone in this. But as much

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Speaker 2: as I love going to these parties with Wolf, it's

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Speaker 2: not that it's not a.

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Speaker 1: Not enjoyable experience.

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Speaker 2: It's just a lot of effort for me to stay

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Speaker 2: as calm and relaxed as I need to be.

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Speaker 1: So what now what?

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Speaker 2: Well, It's an effort that I'm absolutely willing to make,

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Speaker 2: and in fact, I enjoy making that effort because it's

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Speaker 2: good to work on it. Every time I get to

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Speaker 2: go to one of these parties, I get to work

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Speaker 2: on my capacity for dealing with calamity, keep up my

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Speaker 2: capacity for staying calm in a crisis, which might come

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Speaker 2: in handy later, because I get to do it while

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Speaker 2: watching the Spider Man who has an Irish accent, play

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Speaker 2: tunnel ball with kids in a bouncy castle. It's better

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Speaker 2: than doing it in the middle of a car crash

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Speaker 2: or something like that, because I could really use it then,

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Speaker 2: not the Irish Spider Man, but that down calm space.

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Speaker 1: I hope that made sense. I'd love to know your thoughts.

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Speaker 2: Hit me up with a substack or drop me a DM,

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Speaker 2: send me an email, send us an email at gmail

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Speaker 2: dot com makes you buying the book, leave a review

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Speaker 2: if you can.

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Speaker 1: I'll see a story club