WEBVTT - #2110 Is Giving Advice a Good Idea? - Bobby Cappuccio 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:04.400 Ization or explanation of why I'm not prepared to move ahead. 0:00:04.440 --> 0:00:08.560 So the question would be, well, what makes you think 0:00:08.600 --> 0:00:10.160 that anything I have. 0:00:10.080 --> 0:00:10.880 To say. 0:00:12.200 --> 0:00:15.960 Would be more useful than the conclusions you would arrive 0:00:16.000 --> 0:00:19.959 at on your own, knowing yourself better than anyone else 0:00:20.000 --> 0:00:21.920 could possibly know you. 0:00:22.680 --> 0:00:24.319 I think someone would look at you and go, what 0:00:24.360 --> 0:00:25.520 the fuck are you talking about? 0:00:25.720 --> 0:00:27.840 I just asked what I should do? 0:00:27.920 --> 0:00:30.080 You know what I mean? Like to me, just I 0:00:30.240 --> 0:00:37.239 just asked, mate, Yeah, that seems unnecessarily high level, complicated. Yes, 0:00:37.400 --> 0:00:40.960 I'm like to me, it does. It's like, bro, I 0:00:41.000 --> 0:00:44.519 want to know what fuck? Uh? You know, like my 0:00:44.600 --> 0:00:47.239 shoulder hurts when I do this movement for chest? Have 0:00:47.280 --> 0:00:49.440 you got any other ideas? You've trained your whole life. 0:00:49.479 --> 0:00:52.479 You're a qualified trainer, you know, you've worked in gyms. 0:00:52.760 --> 0:00:55.040 You know, like, surely then you could go, well, what 0:00:55.160 --> 0:00:57.480 don't you try instead of overhand grip, try a neutral 0:00:57.480 --> 0:01:00.000 grip with dumbbells instead of a straight bar, or something 0:01:00.040 --> 0:01:02.720 where it's like, oh, that's a specific answer to a 0:01:02.760 --> 0:01:04.240 specific question. 0:01:04.360 --> 0:01:05.319 You're talking about. 0:01:05.400 --> 0:01:08.240 Say, when I think about advice, I'm thinking about I'm 0:01:08.240 --> 0:01:12.560 in this situation. What would you do and guide me 0:01:13.680 --> 0:01:16.800 and I will take action based on what you would 0:01:16.840 --> 0:01:20.600 do in my situation someone in the gym. That's kind 0:01:20.600 --> 0:01:28.200 of like technical observation, analysis, application, assessment of how that worked, 0:01:28.720 --> 0:01:31.040 and modification of what do we do next? 0:01:35.800 --> 0:01:38.200 No, because I feel like I need some help. Give 0:01:38.240 --> 0:01:41.120 me some I need help. I got a question. Give 0:01:41.120 --> 0:01:43.160 me some advice. Try this. That's advice. 0:01:44.800 --> 0:01:48.480 Yeah, so okay, So let's let's break this down. Are 0:01:48.520 --> 0:01:54.320 you giving technical information and disseminating knowledge or expertise, or 0:01:54.360 --> 0:01:56.840 you're saying, Okay, here's my life experience. 0:01:57.000 --> 0:01:58.560 I've been in your situation, with. 0:01:58.600 --> 0:02:05.240 This relationship, with this life transition, this career progression, here's 0:02:05.240 --> 0:02:08.960 what I would do. And I've asked that question a 0:02:08.960 --> 0:02:13.160 few times. Why is my insight greater than the conclusions 0:02:13.160 --> 0:02:15.040 that you would come to on your own. And it's 0:02:15.080 --> 0:02:18.480 a big question, but I don't think it's an unnecessary one. 0:02:18.560 --> 0:02:19.919 I think it's a powerful one. 0:02:20.080 --> 0:02:24.320 On confident, I reckon it's powerful. But it's perhaps situation dependent, 0:02:24.560 --> 0:02:28.359 like many many, many things. Do you think that sometimes 0:02:29.120 --> 0:02:33.799 when people I'm not agreeing or disagreeing, by the way, 0:02:33.800 --> 0:02:35.720 I'm just fleshing it out, which I think is this 0:02:35.800 --> 0:02:39.919 is my point. I've been thinking about advice and how 0:02:40.040 --> 0:02:44.080 and when I know that sometimes no advice is the 0:02:44.120 --> 0:02:46.720 best advice. And I'll talk about an example in a minute. 0:02:47.360 --> 0:02:50.880 I feel like sometimes when people say, hey, I want 0:02:50.919 --> 0:02:54.240 some advice around this, what they actually want is reinforcement, 0:02:54.960 --> 0:02:58.480 you know, more support for their current idea. They really 0:02:58.480 --> 0:03:02.079 want you to go, yeah. 0:03:01.120 --> 0:03:02.680 This is what I'm planning on doing. 0:03:02.960 --> 0:03:05.679 Tell me why I'm correct in my thinking, and that 0:03:06.200 --> 0:03:12.040 eyes this advice, and that is not a request for advice. 0:03:12.880 --> 0:03:16.760 So that's nonetheless my reluctance comes from. 0:03:16.919 --> 0:03:20.200 But it's framed as a question for advice. 0:03:20.560 --> 0:03:22.560 Right, so you can answer it. 0:03:23.000 --> 0:03:25.600 You could give a simple answer like I would do this, 0:03:26.240 --> 0:03:28.160 so Craig, now that I've told you what to do, 0:03:28.560 --> 0:03:31.320 what's going to be different about your situation moving forward? 0:03:31.639 --> 0:03:37.440 What's changed from now versus sixty seconds ago. That's kind 0:03:37.440 --> 0:03:40.160 of a good question too. None of these questions are easy, 0:03:40.200 --> 0:03:43.200 and they might be irritating because they are quite confronting. 0:03:43.760 --> 0:03:46.200 But if you're coming to me for advice or something 0:03:46.240 --> 0:03:49.920 you're wanting, and I'm not sure that what you're wanting 0:03:50.000 --> 0:03:51.920 is my opinion, what. 0:03:51.960 --> 0:03:57.680 About yeah, or it's U Scott right, what about Okay, 0:03:57.760 --> 0:04:00.200 I'm coming to you for advice, And then can you 0:04:00.240 --> 0:04:05.160 say to me, perhaps, do you really want my advice 0:04:06.320 --> 0:04:10.960 or do you want me to endorse or reinforce or 0:04:10.960 --> 0:04:15.080 support what you already plan to do? Be honest, because 0:04:15.120 --> 0:04:18.040 what I have to tell you might not be what 0:04:18.080 --> 0:04:20.920 you want to hear. Like if all you want is 0:04:20.960 --> 0:04:23.200 a fan club or a support team, that's not me 0:04:23.320 --> 0:04:26.000 giving you advice, or that's not me giving that's not 0:04:26.120 --> 0:04:29.080 me coaching you. Well, if I'm just your support crew 0:04:29.120 --> 0:04:31.160 and cheersquad, and no matter what you're going to do, 0:04:31.560 --> 0:04:35.880 I just go well done, well, I'm no value to you, 0:04:35.880 --> 0:04:38.920 you know. And I feel like sometimes when people ask 0:04:39.000 --> 0:04:41.040 me for advice, I give them advice or I give 0:04:41.080 --> 0:04:45.800 them information or support or guidance that they actually don't want. 0:04:45.920 --> 0:04:49.240 And it's I see this fucking look of disappointment. And 0:04:48.839 --> 0:04:52.560 I've said to audience as many times, I can tell 0:04:52.600 --> 0:04:54.520 you what you want to hear, or I can tell 0:04:54.560 --> 0:04:57.760 you what I believe based on lots of encounters and 0:04:57.839 --> 0:05:01.600 conversations and experiences and research and knowledge, and I can 0:05:01.640 --> 0:05:04.960 tell you what I believe to be a better path, right, 0:05:05.279 --> 0:05:07.880 which is not I'm telling you what to do. But 0:05:08.000 --> 0:05:12.080 then because I think that we think we're really open 0:05:12.200 --> 0:05:15.240 minded about feedback. It's like we like feedback until we 0:05:15.279 --> 0:05:17.240 get the feedback or advice that we don't like. 0:05:18.560 --> 0:05:20.359 Well, I think that's a great question. What are you 0:05:20.440 --> 0:05:22.719 really wanting in this situation? 0:05:24.160 --> 0:05:26.520 And if it's like, well, I just truly don't know 0:05:26.520 --> 0:05:29.120 what to do right, like with the old bad Press, 0:05:29.240 --> 0:05:33.880 I'm not a biomechanist, right you are, so help me? 0:05:34.320 --> 0:05:34.640 Great? 0:05:34.880 --> 0:05:39.120 That is an appropriate situation to put your expert hat 0:05:39.160 --> 0:05:45.279 on and disseminate insights versus well, I really think this 0:05:45.440 --> 0:05:47.080 is the right thing to do, and I want to 0:05:47.120 --> 0:05:49.760 know what you think, meaning I want to know if 0:05:49.760 --> 0:05:53.000 you think that I'm right in thinking this is the 0:05:53.080 --> 0:05:56.920 right thing to do. So, I feel like advice can 0:05:57.000 --> 0:05:59.800 be useful, but you got to be careful because of 0:06:00.320 --> 0:06:05.520 overstep autonomy. It's you're probably not helping as much as 0:06:05.560 --> 0:06:08.440 you think you might be. Like that guy in that conversation, 0:06:09.040 --> 0:06:13.400 if he's giving advice and it's obvious to you that 0:06:13.600 --> 0:06:18.400 someone that he has a relationship with is completely disinterested. 0:06:19.040 --> 0:06:22.320 What I wonder is, who's that conversation about? Is it 0:06:22.360 --> 0:06:25.680 about the advice receiver or the advice giver in that 0:06:25.720 --> 0:06:29.520 moment and it sounds to me like it's more about 0:06:29.760 --> 0:06:33.839 the giver of advice rather than the recipient, because otherwise 0:06:34.000 --> 0:06:36.560 you might want to be more tuned in to how 0:06:36.600 --> 0:06:38.080 that's landing or not landing. 0:06:38.920 --> 0:06:43.240 Yeah, yeah, that's perfect I think also, like for me, 0:06:43.320 --> 0:06:48.679 one of my fuck ups around advice has been giving 0:06:48.720 --> 0:06:52.839 advice to people. My biggest fuck up in this space, honestly, 0:06:52.920 --> 0:06:55.560 being brutally honest with me self reflecting is with my 0:06:55.640 --> 0:07:00.000 mom and dad. And I started, I recognized started it 0:07:00.120 --> 0:07:05.760 twenty giving my mum advice about her smoking habit, right, 0:07:06.440 --> 0:07:12.080 advice that she didn't fucking want, conversations that she didn't want, right, Mary, 0:07:12.120 --> 0:07:15.520 the fucking chain smoker, and that didn't work out. Well, 0:07:15.560 --> 0:07:17.400 she's got one lung now. But anyway, I don't want 0:07:17.400 --> 0:07:20.000 to say I told you so, Mum, but fuck mum, 0:07:20.640 --> 0:07:23.160 you know. And then all I did when I would 0:07:23.160 --> 0:07:27.920 give Mom some I would give her feedback, or I 0:07:27.920 --> 0:07:29.840 would give her advice, or I would give her whatever 0:07:29.880 --> 0:07:32.800 that she didn't want. But my excuse was, but I 0:07:32.880 --> 0:07:35.800 love you, I want you to live a long, healthy life. 0:07:36.640 --> 0:07:39.880 My reasons are good. Therefore, fucking sit down and listen, right, 0:07:40.440 --> 0:07:47.560 And all I did was create more of a problem personally, interpersonally, sociologically, 0:07:48.160 --> 0:07:50.960 you know, communication I created more of a problem than 0:07:51.000 --> 0:07:55.600 any solution, despite the fact that the knowledge was good, 0:07:55.720 --> 0:07:59.080 the science was good, the intentions were good. Yeah, So 0:07:59.160 --> 0:08:02.040 that I see that a lot in families where people 0:08:02.040 --> 0:08:04.480 are like, I'm just trying to help. That's great, but 0:08:04.640 --> 0:08:08.280 you're not helping, Like, I know what you're intending to do, 0:08:08.600 --> 0:08:12.560 well done, that's nice. Guess what, it's not fucking working. 0:08:12.640 --> 0:08:16.320 It's ineffective. So hit the brakes and just find a 0:08:16.360 --> 0:08:19.520 bit of space and self awareness and say, is the 0:08:19.520 --> 0:08:22.200 thing that you're constantly trying to shove down that person's 0:08:22.200 --> 0:08:26.680 face isn't helping. It might be right, you might be right. 0:08:26.800 --> 0:08:29.400 You might be this might be your version of love. 0:08:30.080 --> 0:08:33.600 But guess what it isn't for them. 0:08:34.040 --> 0:08:37.800 So that's an equally important question, not just with the asker, 0:08:38.160 --> 0:08:40.880 what are you truly wanting? What's your intention? 0:08:41.040 --> 0:08:41.680 In the question? 0:08:42.200 --> 0:08:47.160 To the advice giver, what is your intention in giving advice? 0:08:48.559 --> 0:08:51.280 You're got to know what your motivation is because sometimes 0:08:51.320 --> 0:08:54.720 we want change for people more than they want it 0:08:54.760 --> 0:08:59.440 for themselves, are more than they're ready to face. What 0:08:59.480 --> 0:09:02.920 the cons difrinstance of change? My or maybe it's okay, 0:09:03.080 --> 0:09:09.720 Maybe they are in pre contemplation, which means I won't change. 0:09:09.800 --> 0:09:11.200 I don't think I have a problem. 0:09:11.400 --> 0:09:15.880 You have a problem, or I believe everything you're saying 0:09:16.000 --> 0:09:19.960 is true, but for a million reasons connected to my habit, 0:09:20.040 --> 0:09:23.200 my behavior problem. It's not that I won't change. I 0:09:23.280 --> 0:09:27.400 believe I cannot. And the more you push, the more 0:09:27.440 --> 0:09:31.720 you keep them stuck in that phase. You are not helping. 0:09:31.760 --> 0:09:35.560 When you are doing that, people do not change because 0:09:35.600 --> 0:09:39.600 of your sheer force of will and desire for them 0:09:39.760 --> 0:09:43.280 to be something or do something different than what they're 0:09:43.320 --> 0:09:45.640 doing or who they're being in the moment. And that 0:09:45.800 --> 0:09:49.480 is something that I think really gets in the way 0:09:49.679 --> 0:09:54.120 of communication dynamics in every facet of our lives and work. 0:09:55.000 --> 0:09:57.719 There's someone right now listening to there's someone right now 0:09:57.760 --> 0:10:01.400 listening to this, thinking, yeah, that's great, But my son's 0:10:01.400 --> 0:10:04.079 an addict, Well, my daughter's an addict, and I'm watching 0:10:04.120 --> 0:10:07.600 them fucking kill themselves and I'm distraught, They're distraught, the 0:10:07.640 --> 0:10:10.800 family's broken. What should I do? Just sit back as 0:10:10.800 --> 0:10:11.520 a passenger? 0:10:12.160 --> 0:10:15.800 Oh fuck now, no, fucking hold on, we're talking about now, 0:10:15.840 --> 0:10:18.440 we're crossing into It is. 0:10:19.559 --> 0:10:20.880 Like imminent danger. 0:10:22.040 --> 0:10:25.319 It is urgent and emergent is what we're referring to 0:10:25.400 --> 0:10:26.199 at this moment. 0:10:26.640 --> 0:10:28.439 I like that urgent and emergent. 0:10:28.600 --> 0:10:33.040 Yeah, good toddler's If your toddler is crossing a busy street, 0:10:33.080 --> 0:10:34.760 it's like, wow, I don't want to rob them of 0:10:34.840 --> 0:10:37.880 their autonomy. Get out of the street or run into 0:10:37.920 --> 0:10:41.240 the street and grab that fucking kid and pull them 0:10:41.280 --> 0:10:45.280 onto the pavement. Talk about it, like, talk about it later, 0:10:45.600 --> 0:10:48.120 but get them out of the street. So, if you're 0:10:48.160 --> 0:10:51.920 dealing with someone who is doing serious damage to themselves 0:10:51.960 --> 0:10:55.040 and the consequences are not going to happen ten years 0:10:55.040 --> 0:10:58.319 down the road as a result of whatever that bad 0:10:58.400 --> 0:11:03.680 habit is, whether it's cigarettes or alcohol, or whether it's Canoli's. 0:11:05.480 --> 0:11:08.040 I don't know why I say Canolis. But how good 0:11:08.080 --> 0:11:08.800 Canoli though? 0:11:09.000 --> 0:11:10.720 Now? And all these are amazing? 0:11:11.400 --> 0:11:15.520 Yeah, come on now, I want to fucking Cannoli. Yeah, 0:11:15.559 --> 0:11:17.520 they should get a Nobel Prize for food. 0:11:18.360 --> 0:11:19.480 No, it's sinister. 0:11:19.760 --> 0:11:22.040 It's fuck it's a sinister How do you creat something 0:11:22.080 --> 0:11:24.800 that's so good but so bad? Anyway, So, if you're 0:11:24.840 --> 0:11:29.880 dealing with someone and the extreme consequences are imminent, yeah, 0:11:30.120 --> 0:11:33.520 I think now's not the time to respect their autonomy 0:11:34.040 --> 0:11:35.840 and to reflect. 0:11:35.320 --> 0:11:37.000 And to go through exploration. 0:11:38.040 --> 0:11:43.280 Yeah, I have a very strong kind of rule about 0:11:43.320 --> 0:11:49.319 not giving advice to anyone around exercise who hasn't asked 0:11:49.320 --> 0:11:51.720 me for it. However, there's been a couple of times 0:11:51.760 --> 0:11:55.839 I've told this a couple of times, maybe so those 0:11:55.880 --> 0:11:59.000 who've heard it, I apologize. But twenty one hundred episodes, 0:11:59.120 --> 0:12:03.000 give me a break. I was in a gym in Sydney. 0:12:03.040 --> 0:12:05.120 I was doing a gig and I went into the 0:12:05.800 --> 0:12:09.960 or they had a relationship with a chain of gym's feud. 0:12:09.960 --> 0:12:13.040 Doors up from the hotel, walked up to the gym. 0:12:13.600 --> 0:12:15.920 I was doing a workout. There was a lady doing 0:12:15.960 --> 0:12:18.720 something in there that it wasn't whether or not she 0:12:18.800 --> 0:12:20.800 was going to hurt herself, it was just when, like 0:12:20.840 --> 0:12:22.679 with the thing that she was doing the way that 0:12:23.160 --> 0:12:25.679 she was doing it, she was definitely going to hurt herself, 0:12:25.720 --> 0:12:28.920 like a zero doubt in my mind. And I'm thinking 0:12:29.559 --> 0:12:31.360 she didn't know me. I don't know her. I could 0:12:31.400 --> 0:12:35.600 be some fucking widow, which I probably am. But like 0:12:35.640 --> 0:12:38.240 you can't go, hey, guess what, I'm this and I 0:12:38.280 --> 0:12:40.080 know that, and you can't do that because you also 0:12:40.120 --> 0:12:42.720 look like a dickhead. I never would anyway, but anyway, 0:12:43.080 --> 0:12:46.800 I just went up. I said, I go, this is 0:12:46.800 --> 0:12:48.760 going to sound weird, but could I just give you 0:12:48.840 --> 0:12:51.600 a little bit of advice? And she goes no, and 0:12:51.640 --> 0:12:55.200 I go, Roger that, and I walked away and I 0:12:55.280 --> 0:12:58.000 just went, yeah, why do I do that? It's like, 0:12:58.080 --> 0:13:00.559 but you know, when you see someone like she wasn't 0:13:00.600 --> 0:13:02.280 going to get run over like the kid on the 0:13:02.360 --> 0:13:06.040 road analogy, but for sure she was going to injure herself. 0:13:06.120 --> 0:13:09.560 And I knew how she could avoid that. But you know, 0:13:09.760 --> 0:13:12.800 one stranger come up to another stranger in the gym. 0:13:12.840 --> 0:13:16.720 She's probably been training for five years, I don't know. Yeah, 0:13:16.760 --> 0:13:21.360 so it's I find that juxtaposition that fucking oh well, 0:13:22.120 --> 0:13:24.040 because I don't want to stand by and watch people 0:13:24.200 --> 0:13:28.160 hurt themselves or let them hurt themselves. But I think sometimes, 0:13:28.320 --> 0:13:30.920 you know, okay, so she fucks up her shoulder, all right, Well, 0:13:32.000 --> 0:13:34.880 is it my job to intervene? Probably not. But that's 0:13:35.000 --> 0:13:38.679 just one of those almost those ethical or moral or 0:13:39.240 --> 0:13:44.160 fucking empathetic kind of conundrums that I get myself in. 0:13:44.920 --> 0:13:47.480 And we would teach that in the gym. Chance, so. 0:13:49.559 --> 0:13:54.360 One of the most widely requested all day trainings that 0:13:54.480 --> 0:13:56.960 we ever did or I ever did. This has gone 0:13:57.000 --> 0:14:00.520 back to my ANSM dees was can you come into 0:14:00.559 --> 0:14:03.360 the gym and teach trainers how to build a business 0:14:03.400 --> 0:14:07.760 a clientele off the floor and we would teach step 0:14:07.800 --> 0:14:12.679 by step how to gain trust, build rapport, not violate autonomy, 0:14:12.800 --> 0:14:17.040 how to ask questions and that question is not necessarily 0:14:17.160 --> 0:14:18.760 Hey can I give you some advice? Do you might 0:14:18.840 --> 0:14:22.360 if I make a suggestion or this was a brilliant 0:14:22.360 --> 0:14:24.640 one that I always got caught up with when I 0:14:24.680 --> 0:14:25.320 was a trainer. 0:14:26.280 --> 0:14:27.680 Is there anything I could do to help you? 0:14:28.600 --> 0:14:31.000 Yeah, I'm kind of could you get me a water 0:14:31.040 --> 0:14:31.480 at the ft? 0:14:31.560 --> 0:14:32.840 Oh? Sure, yeah, I'll take care of that. 0:14:32.880 --> 0:14:33.080 Yeah? 0:14:33.120 --> 0:14:37.080 Really what I was getting at off? Yeah or fuck off? Yeah? So, 0:14:37.840 --> 0:14:41.160 and we structured a layered. 0:14:40.800 --> 0:14:46.400 Process to get to the point where you draw requests 0:14:46.520 --> 0:14:51.280 from the person rather than giving them advice in the moment. Yes, 0:14:51.360 --> 0:14:56.800 so we would do things like that. But when one 0:14:56.800 --> 0:14:59.520 of the caveats was if you see someone and this 0:14:59.600 --> 0:15:03.120 goes back to urgent and emergent, who is doing something 0:15:03.200 --> 0:15:06.200 where you're pretty sure that you have a good idea 0:15:06.560 --> 0:15:10.320 they're going to dislocate both their shoulders, rip both their 0:15:10.480 --> 0:15:15.040 arms off, and be spinning around as these two armless 0:15:15.080 --> 0:15:21.960 stumps are spring blood all over the walls in circular patterns? 0:15:22.320 --> 0:15:23.440 Could you be less traumatic? 0:15:23.760 --> 0:15:25.400 Going? Now? 0:15:25.480 --> 0:15:27.920 That happened to A guy wants now anyway, Well, I 0:15:27.960 --> 0:15:30.760 did see something. I mean, god, you've seen some horrible 0:15:30.800 --> 0:15:31.480 shit in the gym. 0:15:31.520 --> 0:15:36.400 I've seen some horm I've also had my training partner 0:15:36.400 --> 0:15:38.560 to die in front of me, So it doesn't get 0:15:38.960 --> 0:15:40.440 much worse than that. 0:15:40.440 --> 0:15:44.160 That is that that is pretty serious. I've seen double 0:15:44.360 --> 0:15:50.040 shoulder dislocations and someone screw eaming. If you think that's 0:15:50.080 --> 0:15:55.320 about to happen, like fuck it, approach that person and 0:15:55.440 --> 0:15:57.840 be pretty and be pretty assertive about it. But if 0:15:57.880 --> 0:16:01.000 you don't think it's going to happen, then and it's 0:16:01.040 --> 0:16:02.920 something that might be a problem a few months down 0:16:03.000 --> 0:16:07.400 the line. Put a few steps in between, I don't 0:16:07.440 --> 0:16:10.440 know who you are and I don't care and oh 0:16:10.880 --> 0:16:14.840 here's my best thinking, because that usually doesn't go over well. 0:16:15.040 --> 0:16:17.080 So you really have to think, am I being right? 0:16:17.320 --> 0:16:18.520 Or am I being effective? 0:16:19.400 --> 0:16:19.560 Is? 0:16:19.760 --> 0:16:22.720 Like it's kind of like you said, with the gym, 0:16:23.120 --> 0:16:25.680 It's not like somebody is like John is out of shape, 0:16:26.120 --> 0:16:29.040 and I don't say something to make John join the 0:16:29.080 --> 0:16:33.040 gym on Thursday, He's probably going to be dead by Tuesday. 0:16:33.280 --> 0:16:37.120 And that's on me. That's probably not the situation you're 0:16:37.160 --> 0:16:37.720 dealing with. 0:16:38.160 --> 0:16:45.600 Yeah, probably probably what about I think almost in a 0:16:45.840 --> 0:16:48.680 kind of starting with a bit of a theory of 0:16:48.760 --> 0:16:52.760 mind kind of vibe of understanding the person. You know, 0:16:52.800 --> 0:16:57.000 when you have little or no insight into you know, 0:16:57.120 --> 0:16:59.320 you see you see the tip of the iceberg with 0:16:59.600 --> 0:17:02.680 the problem, but you don't see the iceberg, right, So 0:17:02.760 --> 0:17:06.760 you don't have any insight into the totality of their 0:17:06.800 --> 0:17:10.520 story or issue or background or mindset or physiology or 0:17:11.080 --> 0:17:16.280 worldview or personality or their own personal reality. So you're 0:17:16.320 --> 0:17:20.400 seeing point zero one percent of the issue thinking that's 0:17:20.440 --> 0:17:23.720 all the issue, and then you're launching from there like 0:17:23.760 --> 0:17:26.359 you're like, hey, I know, wow, this is you know, 0:17:26.440 --> 0:17:30.040 And then again, as to earlier, it might be perfect 0:17:30.040 --> 0:17:32.280 for me, it might be catastrophic for them because you 0:17:32.440 --> 0:17:35.960 actually you don't know the story, you don't know the problem, 0:17:36.080 --> 0:17:39.159 you don't know the totality of it nearly, but you 0:17:39.240 --> 0:17:41.680 operate on the assumption that you think you get it, 0:17:42.160 --> 0:17:44.600 and so you're you're going to be valuable to them. 0:17:45.880 --> 0:17:49.080 I'm thinking about this comprehensive book right here on my 0:17:49.160 --> 0:17:52.560 bookshelf that the gargoyle is sitting on. 0:17:53.359 --> 0:17:56.359 Yeah, that's the orange book. What is that orange book called? 0:17:57.040 --> 0:17:59.600 It is Behaved by Robert Soopolski. 0:18:00.520 --> 0:18:03.719 And you might be looking at someone who you care about, 0:18:03.760 --> 0:18:07.760 and when week, it's hard to disassociate from someone we 0:18:07.880 --> 0:18:11.240 care about, we want the best for, and we definitely 0:18:11.600 --> 0:18:13.280 don't want pain and suffering for. 0:18:13.680 --> 0:18:15.200 So this is a hard situation. 0:18:15.280 --> 0:18:19.520 And I'm assuming that most people who give unsolicited advice 0:18:19.640 --> 0:18:24.639 are coming from a caring place. I mean, you know, 0:18:24.640 --> 0:18:26.600 I used to be in the health and fitness industry. 0:18:26.960 --> 0:18:29.560 We know a lot of these people who seemed very 0:18:29.600 --> 0:18:32.960 intense from the stage I'm thinking about someone right now, 0:18:33.280 --> 0:18:37.240 But when you talk to them, they feel because they 0:18:37.280 --> 0:18:40.639 know so much, they're able to see more, They have 0:18:40.720 --> 0:18:45.200 more distinctions, and it's urgent for them because they see 0:18:45.320 --> 0:18:49.119 dangers in front of people in ways that that individual 0:18:49.160 --> 0:18:51.840 and people around them might not even see. So I get, 0:18:52.320 --> 0:18:56.360 but you see somebody doing something two minutes ago that 0:18:56.400 --> 0:18:58.760 you don't agree with, or on a Saturday night you 0:18:58.800 --> 0:19:03.880 don't think they should be doing, or there's something they're 0:19:03.880 --> 0:19:06.639 not doing that you think they should be doing. But 0:19:06.760 --> 0:19:08.960 what you don't see is what led up to that. 0:19:09.080 --> 0:19:13.679 What happened three milliseconds in their brain before they engaged 0:19:13.720 --> 0:19:19.240 in that. Now, what happened three minutes before in their brain? 0:19:19.840 --> 0:19:25.040 What happened three weeks, three months, three years, three decades 0:19:25.200 --> 0:19:29.360 in their brain living every moment, every minute of their 0:19:29.400 --> 0:19:36.040 life as them with a myriad incalculable influences and reference 0:19:36.119 --> 0:19:38.880 points shaping that person up to that point when they 0:19:38.920 --> 0:19:44.440 did that. Bless you, and you understand that's because Craig 0:19:44.600 --> 0:19:44.960 just Niez. 0:19:45.119 --> 0:19:47.280 For those of you who are just I turned off 0:19:47.320 --> 0:19:48.280 my audio, thank you. 0:19:49.320 --> 0:19:54.600 So, and understand that you have the same dynamic complexity 0:19:54.680 --> 0:19:58.600 in your brain, but it's led you to very different places. 0:19:59.119 --> 0:19:59.840 I think that is. 0:19:59.800 --> 0:20:04.119 A very important thing to understand about how complex human 0:20:04.160 --> 0:20:09.040 behavior is. And sometimes you can't put in what you 0:20:09.119 --> 0:20:11.840 think was laughed out, but you could draw out what 0:20:12.040 --> 0:20:12.680 is inside. 0:20:13.359 --> 0:20:15.040 And yeah, you know. 0:20:15.080 --> 0:20:17.720 But I think that whether or not they've asked for it, 0:20:18.640 --> 0:20:20.960 I'm just writing notes, which is terrible on air, but 0:20:21.000 --> 0:20:23.959 I just thought of a title for the show. I 0:20:24.080 --> 0:20:27.040 just think that that is a high risk activity, whether 0:20:27.119 --> 0:20:29.080 or not you know them or not. You know, even 0:20:29.119 --> 0:20:31.840 when people have come to you so it is solicited 0:20:31.880 --> 0:20:36.399 a device, there's that still. I you know, if somebody 0:20:36.440 --> 0:20:39.040 comes to me just for a chat, you know they 0:20:39.080 --> 0:20:41.560 want to be coached, and obviously they want some kind 0:20:41.600 --> 0:20:44.240 of what we might call advice or direction or input 0:20:44.400 --> 0:20:51.280 or feedback or whatever guidance. I kind of will generally 0:20:51.440 --> 0:20:55.560 talk at the most maybe twenty percent of the time, 0:20:55.800 --> 0:20:57.840 because I just I want to understand them. I want 0:20:57.840 --> 0:21:01.200 to understand, like, what is going on with you physically, emotionally, 0:21:01.280 --> 0:21:04.520 mentally as best I can in that very limited timeframe, 0:21:05.240 --> 0:21:10.439 so that I'm speaking from an informed place, informed in 0:21:10.480 --> 0:21:12.240 regards to who you are, how you are, why you 0:21:12.280 --> 0:21:14.760 are the way you are, because I don't want to be. 0:21:16.040 --> 0:21:18.399 You know, that guy that's talking to what he thinks 0:21:18.520 --> 0:21:21.840 is just another version of him. And I think also 0:21:22.000 --> 0:21:24.119 what is interesting, I was just thinking a moment as 0:21:24.160 --> 0:21:28.239 you were talking moment ago, people who have a bit 0:21:28.280 --> 0:21:34.359 of a personal revelation and kind of catharsis and reinvention, 0:21:34.640 --> 0:21:38.280 then all of a sudden, they're fucking evangelists that nobody 0:21:38.320 --> 0:21:40.560 wants to hear. It's like, mate, you know what you 0:21:40.600 --> 0:21:40.959 need to do? 0:21:41.040 --> 0:21:43.240 I'm doing this and this has done that and it's 0:21:43.280 --> 0:21:45.080 changed my life, and so you need to do that 0:21:45.119 --> 0:21:45.800 because it all. 0:21:46.119 --> 0:21:48.960 Like, bro settle the fuck down. One of your energy 0:21:49.040 --> 0:21:53.639 is obnoxious. May be good intentions, well done, but read 0:21:53.680 --> 0:21:57.800 the room, Champ like read the room. And in doing 0:21:57.880 --> 0:22:04.439 that sometimes I've got many friends who are zealots about 0:22:04.560 --> 0:22:07.640 our thing, our thing, and I won't mention the things 0:22:07.640 --> 0:22:10.720 because I'll get someone's nose out of joint. I'm like, cool, 0:22:10.960 --> 0:22:13.000 that may or may not be true. I know it 0:22:13.200 --> 0:22:15.520 seems to be very true to you and for you, 0:22:16.000 --> 0:22:17.640 and you could be right and I could be wrong, 0:22:17.640 --> 0:22:20.360 but right now, just could you not assault me with 0:22:20.400 --> 0:22:24.080 all this? Could you just also didn't ask? You know, 0:22:24.119 --> 0:22:27.080 but you need to know though, No, no, you are 0:22:27.160 --> 0:22:29.080 creating this not connection. 0:22:30.000 --> 0:22:31.639 Are you talking about when I got a cat? 0:22:34.119 --> 0:22:37.760 That's fucking hell, you're onto me. That's exactly what I'm talking. 0:22:37.560 --> 0:22:40.080 About, you know, just that. 0:22:40.200 --> 0:22:43.919 I mean people understandably, people get excited and you know, 0:22:46.080 --> 0:22:51.040 you know, evangelical, and I will I'm going to really 0:22:51.040 --> 0:22:53.840