Speaker 1: Apogae Production. Welcome to the shep Risers Podcast. I'm Ashley
Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana.
Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to
Speaker 2: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.
Speaker 3: Get ready for your next level of self.
Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the podcast. Today, we're talking
Speaker 1: all about hateful comments that are said online and offline
Speaker 1: and how you can turn these negative comments and hateful
Speaker 1: comments and projections into powerful, impactful lessons and you don't
Speaker 1: let it ruin the way you feel about yourself or
Speaker 1: your confidence or anything like that. So we're really going
Speaker 1: to turn this into an empowering episode, and we're going
Speaker 1: to share some things that have been said about us
Speaker 1: online and offline and how we've kind of navigated it through.
Speaker 1: And also, I can't wait for you to teach the
Speaker 1: way that you respond to comments online because it's something
Speaker 1: that I've really struggle with over the years, and I've
Speaker 1: almost bitten back because I wanted to defend myself, you know,
Speaker 1: and I've really learned a lot about myself in the
Speaker 1: last six months thanks to you, So I can't wait
Speaker 1: for everyone to hear how you've helped me and how
Speaker 1: you navigate that as well.
Speaker 2: I'm excited for this conversation. It's like turning the trash
Speaker 2: talk into personal power.
Speaker 1: Yes, you know how cool is that? Yeah? Love it.
Speaker 1: So when people talk shit to us or they say
Speaker 1: things about us, naturally you want to defend yourself. And
Speaker 1: I feel like my younger version of myself, my teenage's
Speaker 1: version of myself, and my adult self now up until
Speaker 1: the last couple of months. Oh, I suppose I still
Speaker 1: do want to defend myself, but I'm learning that I
Speaker 1: don't need to and I don't have to, and it's
Speaker 1: almost a waste of my energy because you're trying to
Speaker 1: reason with the unreasonable, and there's a way to communicate
Speaker 1: back to people that say that stuff, and there's also
Speaker 1: boundaries that you can have in place whether they're worth
Speaker 1: your energy that day, depending on where you're at. So
Speaker 1: obviously mine is more being on line. When I get
Speaker 1: a lot of hate and negative comments come my way,
Speaker 1: I feel the need to respond and share my story
Speaker 1: and defend myself and explain to them. But you've kind
Speaker 1: of taught me that I don't need to do that anymore,
Speaker 1: which has been really nice. In the last six months,
Speaker 1: I've been practicing that, and I still have to consciously
Speaker 1: practice that, And sometimes if I get a comment, I'll
Speaker 1: send it to you and be like, help, So what
Speaker 1: would you respond to this? Because I can feel my
Speaker 1: back get up sometimes because I'm like, Wow, that's not true,
Speaker 1: and how dare you come onto my page and say
Speaker 1: that assumption about me? Whether it's publicly or privately. It
Speaker 1: gets me really triggered and really upset. And I think
Speaker 1: because I've dealt with it for so long over the years,
Speaker 1: it is just a hairline trigger, like it doesn't take
Speaker 1: much depending on what it's about. But when it's something
Speaker 1: fresh online that I'm navigating, I find it really hard.
Speaker 1: What is your communication style and how do you navigate this?
Speaker 1: Because you've taught me a lot, but I'd love for
Speaker 1: you to teach everyone else because everyone deals with bullies
Speaker 1: online offline at some point in their life.
Speaker 2: Love that firstly, I just wanted to say as well,
Speaker 2: it's also giving yourself some leeway and some leniency with
Speaker 2: that as well. You've been dealing with this for such
Speaker 2: a long time, and I can only imagine how it
Speaker 2: would feel to have people constantly nitpick at what you do,
Speaker 2: your actions, your behaviors, everything that you know is kind
Speaker 2: of online anyway. So it's like those triggers are so
Speaker 2: valid for being there, and it's like I would feel
Speaker 2: the same way as well, you know, whereas like the
Speaker 2: whole situation of communication, when people have something to say,
Speaker 2: I think everyone is going to have their opinion at
Speaker 2: the end of the day. On social media or in person,
Speaker 2: people are going to say what they think, and sometimes
Speaker 2: people don't care how that impacts other people. But the
Speaker 2: only thing that we can control, and I think this
Speaker 2: is what I've taught myself, even from dealing with the
Speaker 2: sex tape, is that people are going to have an
Speaker 2: opinion about what you do, regardless of how you try
Speaker 2: to paint yourself. So it doesn't matter how much you
Speaker 2: try to prove, defend, explain, or try to reason with
Speaker 2: the unreasonable, You're never going to get the response that
Speaker 2: you want. And so all you can do in that
Speaker 2: time and in that moment, and at least this is
Speaker 2: what I've done in my journey, is respond in a way.
Speaker 3: That you would be proud of.
Speaker 2: Yes, And that's honestly what's helped me. So even in
Speaker 2: the moments where people have said things to my face
Speaker 2: about the sex tape, said things behind my back, whispered
Speaker 2: things as I'm walking past, message me on fake accounts,
Speaker 2: all I can do in those moments is respond in
Speaker 2: the way that i'd be proud of, in the way
Speaker 2: that I know myself to be.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you knowuiful.
Speaker 2: There's nothing that you can say that we'll ever convince
Speaker 2: someone to see you in a way that they're committed
Speaker 2: to misunderstanding you. You know that's powerful, and I think
Speaker 2: just you've done such a beautiful job already at growing
Speaker 2: that because you have you've wanted to learn and grow
Speaker 2: to how to not be you know, reactive in moments
Speaker 2: where you feel triggered.
Speaker 3: But it also is hard as well.
Speaker 2: It's acknowledging that it's hard as well, because you are
Speaker 2: being faced with that stuff all the time. It's like
Speaker 2: constantly being retriggered with an open wound. Yeah, I just
Speaker 2: think everybody gets to have an opinion. I think there's
Speaker 2: a way to deliver and communicate things, and you can
Speaker 2: stand up for yourself without judging that person, without attacking
Speaker 2: their character, without being an asshole, without being passive aggressive.
Speaker 2: There are going to be things that come up for you.
Speaker 2: We're not going to handle it perfectly all the time.
Speaker 2: I absolutely don't, and I tell you ten years ago,
Speaker 2: I absolutely did not do this. But now it's just
Speaker 2: about responding and not defending. Yeah, it also ties into
Speaker 2: having a voice. For example, what I believe is that
Speaker 2: when you're trying to communicate with somebody and they're not
Speaker 2: hearing you, or you know that they're not going to
Speaker 2: respond in the way that you want them to, you don't.
Speaker 3: Need them to.
Speaker 2: It's not even about that person. It's about you. Yeah,
Speaker 2: it's about having a voice and being like, this person
Speaker 2: can have an opinion, but so can I, and I
Speaker 2: get to have an opinion in this and I get
Speaker 2: to voice what it is that I think. And if
Speaker 2: this person is saying something to me that I don't like,
Speaker 2: I have every right to come back and say, respectfully,
Speaker 2: I don't appreciate what it is that you're saying to me.
Speaker 2: I don't appreciate the way that you just spoke to me.
Speaker 2: I don't appreciate the tone that you just came at
Speaker 2: me with So it's not about being combative or being
Speaker 2: a bitch or trying to create like chaos or anything
Speaker 2: like that.
Speaker 3: It's none of that.
Speaker 2: It actually, at least for me, is just about regardless
Speaker 2: of how this person is going to respond, you were
Speaker 2: valid and worthy of having a voice.
Speaker 1: That's been a big thing because I think I was
Speaker 1: on one end of the scale reacting and wanting to
Speaker 1: defend myself, and then on the other end of the scale,
Speaker 1: I would delete because I didn't think my voice was
Speaker 1: ever going to be heard, so I just would avoid. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and then there was just a couple of comments that
Speaker 1: came through over the last couple of months, revolving you
Speaker 1: and I and this podcast or different things, and I
Speaker 1: would be triggered and say, this is really upsetting me,
Speaker 1: and You're like, leave it there. We can respond in
Speaker 1: a beautiful way that acknowledges the situation, acknowledges what's going on.
Speaker 1: But you're also allowed to stand in your power, and
Speaker 1: you're also allowed to honor your pain whilst holding theirs
Speaker 1: and just being really cool to watch the way that
Speaker 1: you communicate, And it's really helped me reflect on my communication.
Speaker 1: I think I've just grown so much from that, but
Speaker 1: it's still a practice for me. It's not something that
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, all of a sudden, I got this,
Speaker 1: because I think for you it does come more natural
Speaker 1: now to respond in that way because you've practiced that
Speaker 1: for so many years. And I think we can all
Speaker 1: improve on the way we communicate with our partners, with
Speaker 1: our friends, with our kids. We lose patience and you know,
Speaker 1: the biggest thing for me too, has been just allowing
Speaker 1: a bit of space when it comes in and the
Speaker 1: trigger comes up, a little bit of space to regulate myself. Again,
Speaker 1: never respond when you're instantly triggered. Yeah, and just regulated
Speaker 1: because nine out of ten times it's not going to
Speaker 1: come out how you'd be proud of, how you would
Speaker 1: like you to be seen. That's the key. Yeah, you'd
Speaker 1: be in regret or it would just add more fuel
Speaker 1: to the fire. So just giving yourself that space that
Speaker 1: everyone doesn't need to be responded to in an instant
Speaker 1: For me online too, which we've had conversations around sometimes
Speaker 1: if I can see they've made their mind up about me,
Speaker 1: they are full projection, they're not open to having a conversation.
Speaker 1: I do delete block. That's a boundary for me, I actually,
Speaker 1: you don't deserve any of my energy if you're not
Speaker 1: even willing to hear my side or be open that
Speaker 1: there's two sides to a story, or you make that
Speaker 1: assumption up about my relationship with my kids, or you're
Speaker 1: questioning my character, or sometimes I'm just like Noah and
Speaker 1: you're coming from a fake profile with no photo, no name.
Speaker 1: You're not even going to show your face. I don't
Speaker 1: even know who I'm talking to. So there's boundaries around
Speaker 1: it as well, But it's just very cool practice when
Speaker 1: these things arise, and everyone listening can implement this into
Speaker 1: your life. Every time you come across someone that has
Speaker 1: an opinion or says something mean or negative, or criticizes
Speaker 1: you or your kids, or your relationship or your work,
Speaker 1: how do you respond? How do you react? Where's your
Speaker 1: nervous system at on a one to ten? Are you
Speaker 1: about to blow up? Or you're at a five, or
Speaker 1: you're to three and you can still breathe bring yourself
Speaker 1: back down to be a two or three. If you're
Speaker 1: feeling on fire up here, about to burst, just give
Speaker 1: that little bit of space and it could only be
Speaker 1: a minute. I've just actually going to the bathroom and
Speaker 1: taking some big breaths and then coming back and being
Speaker 1: able to address it.
Speaker 2: I like what you said around giving yourself a minute
Speaker 2: to regulate, especially as like a full blown anxious galley.
Speaker 2: It's so important because as an anxious person you want
Speaker 2: to lean in straight away and fix and talk about it.
Speaker 2: And also as well, even when you're receiving shit like
Speaker 2: that and people are saying things about you, you want
Speaker 2: to preserve the way that people see. You want to
Speaker 2: fix it, you want to make amends. That's what you're
Speaker 2: forward leaning. Yes, you know, And something my dad has
Speaker 2: always said to me, He's like, if forever you are dysregulated, angry,
Speaker 2: upset at a situation, just sleep on it. Yeah, that's
Speaker 2: just sleep on it because it's like it's likely that
Speaker 2: you will feel different in the morning than what you
Speaker 2: do right now.
Speaker 3: You just need a breather and you need a nap.
Speaker 1: Actually, spark go to bed. Yeah, you know, had a
Speaker 1: lot of people say you should never go to bed
Speaker 1: angry with your partner. Kind of disagree. Yeah, sometimes it's
Speaker 1: okay to be angry your partner. Sleep on it and
Speaker 1: wake up and be like, oh spicy last night or wow,
Speaker 1: I didn't really hold space for you or gosh, that
Speaker 1: really upset me how you said that. Can we talk
Speaker 1: about it now that we can't, I should think it's
Speaker 1: okay to take space. And if that's at nighttime, Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's what you've got to do.
Speaker 3: It's discernment.
Speaker 2: Hey, it's like what you're mentioning about the online comments.
Speaker 2: Is this worth my energy or not? And you have
Speaker 2: to everybody's different obviously be able to gauge within yourself.
Speaker 2: Does this throw me into an anxious spiral and go
Speaker 2: into self doubt and it's going to ruin the rest
Speaker 2: of my day? Okay, delete and block the comment. Okay,
Speaker 2: you know, don't have the conversation right now. But if
Speaker 2: it's something that you're like, Okay, I can handle this.
Speaker 2: This makes me uncomfortable, but also I don't appreciate this
Speaker 2: on my page in my community.
Speaker 3: I'm not going to tolerate this.
Speaker 2: Yeah you go, okay, beautiful, I can have this conversation
Speaker 2: with this person. Let this person know where I'm at. Yeah,
Speaker 2: engauge where that person is as well. Same thing with
Speaker 2: your partner. Okay, can I communicate how I'm feeling right now?
Speaker 2: Can they communicate how they're feeling beautiful. If yes, amazing,
Speaker 2: you'll work it out. If not, sleep on it, you'll
Speaker 2: be fine. Exact we do, and.
Speaker 1: I think we have to remember our words can have
Speaker 1: a positive or a negative impact. People forget the power
Speaker 1: of words and negatively, they could be the reason why
Speaker 1: someone doesn't eat that day, how they skip a meal,
Speaker 1: they don't take an opportunity, they question themselves, they don't
Speaker 1: take a chance, they don't want to get out of bed.
Speaker 1: You just never want to be the person that's part
Speaker 1: responsible for how that person's feeling. I know myself. I
Speaker 1: used to always say this when I get hate, I'm
Speaker 1: so grateful that it's on me and it's not on
Speaker 1: a fifteen year old girl that is at her tipping
Speaker 1: edge of not wanting to be on earth side. Yeah,
Speaker 1: or a mum that's a breaking point that one comment
Speaker 1: could literally have her having a mental breakdown. And she's
Speaker 1: got three young children take care of when she can't
Speaker 1: take care of them, So bring it on me. I
Speaker 1: always think if they're doing it to me, then hopefully
Speaker 1: they're not doing it to someone else. But back when
Speaker 1: I was younger and going through the hate, I was
Speaker 1: at that tipping edge and every comment was another reminder
Speaker 1: of this is not going to stop unless I leave earthside.
Speaker 1: I would never want to be contributing to anything that
Speaker 1: could affect someone's mental health.
Speaker 2: Ever, it's like death by a thousand cuts.
Speaker 1: Hey, literally we comment one hundred percent And I don't
Speaker 1: know why. For some reason, people think that if you
Speaker 1: have a following that it doesn't affect you, or it's
Speaker 1: expected that you should get hate and you should have
Speaker 1: everyone's opinions thrown at you just because you think something.
Speaker 1: Guess what, You don't have to type it. Yeah, you
Speaker 1: don't actually have to vocalize that. Vocalize it with your
Speaker 1: best friend or your partner or voice recorder or journal it.
Speaker 1: Say it in the ocean when I can hear you. You
Speaker 1: don't actually have to say that to that person online.
Speaker 1: There's still a human behind the screen.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they forget that they're doing it to a human.
Speaker 1: Yes, I think so too'tual person behind that screen.
Speaker 2: Almost as if people don't understand the consequences of their
Speaker 2: actions because they're not receiving the consequences if they were.
Speaker 2: You never think it will happen to you until it's
Speaker 2: happening to you, and then you're going through it. I
Speaker 2: think it's something that we can all be more conscious
Speaker 2: and mindful of, is the way that we are outwardly
Speaker 2: treating other people and impacting others. Because it might seem
Speaker 2: like a mindless comment on someone's social media post that
Speaker 2: you're questioning about, yeah, but don't realize that that could
Speaker 2: be the thing that tips them over the edge.
Speaker 1: You also don't know what's cut behind closed doors. So
Speaker 1: you think by looking at their highlight reel that they've
Speaker 1: got a great partner and they've got a shiny car
Speaker 1: and they're doing well. What if their mums just passed away.
Speaker 1: What if they're in the midst of going through a divorce?
Speaker 1: Actually have no idea what if your sexual comment triggered
Speaker 1: their sexual assault from when their you like, you actually
Speaker 1: have no idea what someone's battling behind closed doors. And
Speaker 1: guess what, every single moment of each day, you have
Speaker 1: a choice to be kind, to be positive towards someone,
Speaker 1: or to be negative. That is a conscious choice that
Speaker 1: you are making a lot of time. It's unconscious, but
Speaker 1: you need to take more responsibility for what you're putting
Speaker 1: out in the world. It does have impact.
Speaker 2: I agree, and I think this is why it's supportant
Speaker 2: conversation to be able to have because there's a new
Speaker 2: standard that we get to set for the way that
Speaker 2: we get to be treated in everyday life online on
Speaker 2: social media, especially when it comes to people leaving random comments.
Speaker 2: And yes, there's a battle between knowing what's worthy of
Speaker 2: replying to and then replying to things based on how
Speaker 2: much mental capacity you have, But it's setting a new
Speaker 2: standard of just going, regardless of whether it's in person,
Speaker 2: on social media, online, or wherever I get a voice.
Speaker 2: And it's not because I'm trying to fight with a
Speaker 2: troll or respond to somebody who doesn't like me, or
Speaker 2: to prove that I'm worthy. It's simply to remind the
Speaker 2: seven year old girl inside of you and me and
Speaker 2: everyone listening that someone can say something nasty to you
Speaker 2: and you have a right to speak back. And I
Speaker 2: think a lot of women are naturally more full into
Speaker 2: the suppression of their voice and have been exiled for
Speaker 2: that in the past. Long generations before us been exiled
Speaker 2: for being witches and all the things. So it's a
Speaker 2: whole of the conversation. But we suppress naturally our voices,
Speaker 2: and this is about a declaration to yourself of bringing
Speaker 2: back that power of your voice and reminding yourself that
Speaker 2: you've got one.
Speaker 1: So beautifully said, every time you choose not to have
Speaker 1: a voice, actually have a photo of yourself, you're not
Speaker 1: just abandoning yourself as your adult self. You're actually abandoning
Speaker 1: that little girl. And the more you abandon her, the
Speaker 1: more she's just going to want to be seen and heard,
Speaker 1: and it's going to come out in other ways. The
Speaker 1: moment she feels heard, it's like you get to release
Speaker 1: her and she gets to be seen and love for
Speaker 1: all she is. That's only our responsibilities. No one can
Speaker 1: actually do that for you. I wish someone could come
Speaker 1: and save you, but they can't. An amazing job in
Speaker 1: a child work. It's super challenging work, but it's really
Speaker 1: important just acknowledge that they're actually there. They're still a
Speaker 1: part of you and they always will be.
Speaker 2: And you know what, that inner child likely doesn't have
Speaker 2: the tools to communicate properly, so us as the protectors
Speaker 2: of our inner children and children so sounds funny to
Speaker 2: say in that context, as the protectors, it's our opportunity
Speaker 2: and our responsibility to learn how to communicate as adults,
Speaker 2: so that we can resolve so that we can connect better,
Speaker 2: so that we can get that voice, and that point
Speaker 2: across of the little girl inside who struggled to speak
Speaker 2: up when she was younger heard or who was yeah, dismissed,
Speaker 2: you know, spoken down to punish all the time, told
Speaker 2: that she wasn't allowed to have a voice. It's healing
Speaker 2: all of those things that we've experienced in the past,
Speaker 2: but doing it in a way that we're proud of.
Speaker 1: Yes, that's so beautiful. So apparently I cheat on Steve
Speaker 1: all the time and he cheats on me all the time.
Speaker 1: This is a projection that we get all the time.
Speaker 1: Every time I go away or he goes away, there'll
Speaker 1: be a fake profile with no name making up these rumors,
Speaker 1: and that for me is something that I just don't
Speaker 1: ever entertain. It's an instant delete and block. Like we've
Speaker 1: literally been together before and someone said, oh, Steve's out
Speaker 1: doing this. I'm like, you fucking realize other movies together.
Speaker 1: It's just so absurd. It's so crazy the lens people
Speaker 1: will go to to try and cause drama, and that
Speaker 1: for me is just not even worth one ounce of
Speaker 1: my energy. Yeah, So it's an instant delete and block.
Speaker 1: Some things I'm open to having conversations with and some
Speaker 1: things I won't.
Speaker 2: Entertain understandable and also as well, it's an indication of
Speaker 2: the bond and the relationship and the death that you
Speaker 2: guys have know for you to be able to to.
Speaker 3: Be able to respond in that way.
Speaker 2: No, no, like you don't understand what we have here,
Speaker 2: what we've built and consistently built over the seventeen years
Speaker 2: that you both have been together.
Speaker 1: I don't know us from a bar of soap.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, Like Tatiana is like the audacity for someone
Speaker 2: to try to get between someone's relationship like that marriage
Speaker 2: and to have no regard for consequences of what that
Speaker 2: might do if someone didn't have a strong bond.
Speaker 1: Or imagine if that was a relationship where there had
Speaker 1: been cheating in the past and then they haven't done
Speaker 1: it since, which isn't Steve and I, but imagine that
Speaker 1: they're hearing a rumor that would just bring up all
Speaker 1: the triggers and imagine that partner hadn't done that. The
Speaker 1: trouble people can cause this online world is it's interesting.
Speaker 2: This isn't necessarily a comment or anything like that. This
Speaker 2: is something that happened in real life. But I remember
Speaker 2: my first relationship that I was with. We were together
Speaker 2: on and off for about three to four years, and
Speaker 2: he had a girl best friend who was just such
Speaker 2: an absolute bitch to me. Oh no, I hate to
Speaker 2: even use the word, but she just for some.
Speaker 3: Reason, was so rude to me.
Speaker 2: Didn't want to buy a soap for me, wouldn't communicate
Speaker 2: with me, didn't want to be my friend, always had
Speaker 2: something to say, passive aggressive stabs. Yeah, would make it
Speaker 2: out like I wasn't there when we were all together.
Speaker 2: It was really uncomfortable, and I just remember her this
Speaker 2: one time. He told me this actually, which is bizarre
Speaker 2: that he told me this after we'd broken up. I
Speaker 2: had gained some weight because I really struggled with the
Speaker 2: relationship breakup, and I remember him telling me, oh, so
Speaker 2: and so told me that it looks like Tiana took
Speaker 2: the breakup really bad because it looks like she's been
Speaker 2: eating a tub of ice cream every night for dinner.
Speaker 2: Obviously that wasn't said to my face. It was Chinese
Speaker 2: whispers of some kind. But it's those moments where you
Speaker 2: either get to choose, like how is this going to
Speaker 2: impact me? In the way I feel about myself or
Speaker 2: am I going to use it into something productive?
Speaker 1: Yes?
Speaker 2: And little did you know, that was the very beginning
Speaker 2: of my fitness journey. Thank you, Ken confirm I turned
Speaker 2: my pain into power.
Speaker 1: Uh huh.
Speaker 2: I just remember being so hurt by that comment, because
Speaker 2: that was the most heartbroken I'd ever been in my life.
Speaker 3: And I was so young, I.
Speaker 2: Was still learning, I was still a little baby, and
Speaker 2: I'd been through what felt like a lot of pain
Speaker 2: in that relationship.
Speaker 3: For someone to say something it sounds.
Speaker 2: Silly, it's such a light thing, but I just remember
Speaker 2: the impact that it had. And it's just those comments
Speaker 2: that people aren't aware of. That's a passing comment, might
Speaker 2: not mean much to them, but it might completely change
Speaker 2: everything for somebody else.
Speaker 1: Yes, you know, I don't know if you're open to sharing,
Speaker 1: but I remember you sharing with me a story about
Speaker 1: a past friendship where you were accused of taking some money,
Speaker 1: like a cleaner or a gardener bill or something. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so about that, and how did you respond to her
Speaker 1: or the situation or the rumors?
Speaker 2: Absolutely so to give context. So I didn't know that
Speaker 2: this was being said about me. I found this out
Speaker 2: maybe two years later. Oh, something like that, and it
Speaker 2: was one of my old best friends. She had then
Speaker 2: come to me and said, hey, I'm sorry for the
Speaker 2: way that I behaved, in the way that I treated you.
Speaker 2: I didn't even give you the benefit of the doubt,
Speaker 2: and I don't believe anything that was said about you,
Speaker 2: but here are the things that are being said about you.
Speaker 2: One of the things that was being said behind my
Speaker 2: back was that you should be worried of Tiana because
Speaker 2: she tried to take the man that I was seeing,
Speaker 2: or her boyfriend at the time when we were living together,
Speaker 2: which is very fucking ironic because I didn't even meet
Speaker 2: the guy. Oh, she wasn't dating anybody when we were
Speaker 2: living together.
Speaker 3: I didn't know.
Speaker 2: I do remember seeing something that she had received a
Speaker 2: gift or something like that whilst we were still living together,
Speaker 2: whilst we were still friends, but at this point our
Speaker 2: friendship had broken down so much that we weren't really
Speaker 2: telling each other everything anymore, and there was a lot
Speaker 2: of distance in space between us, and apparently I tried
Speaker 2: to take him off her, like steal her man, and
Speaker 2: it was the most bizarre thing, and I just remember
Speaker 2: being so hurt by it because I one didn't meet
Speaker 2: the guy. I would have never done anything like that
Speaker 2: to her, and she tried to use my past against
Speaker 2: me in a lot of ways. And so that was
Speaker 2: one of the things that I was told. And then
Speaker 2: another thing that I was told was that apparently I
Speaker 2: was pocketing the cleaner money that we were putting aside
Speaker 2: for our cleaner to pay every week, which was like
Speaker 2: fifty dollars each or something seventy dollars each.
Speaker 1: Anyone that knows you is just ridiculous.
Speaker 2: Claiming that I was stealing money from her, which is
Speaker 2: so bizarre because especially especially in that house, I was
Speaker 2: always paying my way. We spit everything fifty to fifty
Speaker 2: even if we didn't, and she would buy food, I
Speaker 2: would then buy food, and I was paying for it
Speaker 2: for her kids.
Speaker 3: As well, do you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: So it was always like we were.
Speaker 2: Always paying it forward. It really hurt me. It really
Speaker 2: hurt me, and what was said about me, and again
Speaker 2: it could have been so much worse, which is totally fine,
Speaker 2: but it's not the point. It was someone who was
Speaker 2: really close to me, really knew me, also knew how
Speaker 2: to hurt me, which is really unfortunate.
Speaker 1: Is it kind of a good thing, blessing in disguise
Speaker 1: that you found out two years later, Because do you
Speaker 1: think at the moment you would have reacted in a
Speaker 1: different way, whereas two years down the track you were like, Okay,
Speaker 1: that's been said, I'm not going to do anything about it. Whatever.
Speaker 1: I think.
Speaker 2: If I had so that at the time, when I
Speaker 2: was really hurt and I was really grieving the friendship,
Speaker 2: I think I definitely would have responded in a different way.
Speaker 2: But when this woman came to me and spoke to
Speaker 2: me about it, it was less about what had been
Speaker 2: said about me and more about like I was sorry
Speaker 2: that she had experienced the same thing with this woman.
Speaker 2: And I guess at the end of the day, I
Speaker 2: remember saying to her like, there's nothing that I could
Speaker 2: have said or done to change the way that she
Speaker 2: was talking about me. Like, at the end of the day,
Speaker 2: like I know who I am, and I remember coming
Speaker 2: to you and saying this to you, There's nothing that
Speaker 2: I could have done. Who I choose to be now
Speaker 2: speaks volumes. And I've never felt like I had to
Speaker 2: defend myself, and even though I wanted to in moments
Speaker 2: where I felt vulnerable and in pain and all of
Speaker 2: those things. I wanted to defend myself at some points,
Speaker 2: but I realized that I didn't have to do that,
Speaker 2: and who I chose to be and who I knew
Speaker 2: myself to be at my core speaks so much louder
Speaker 2: than any words that I could have said, and.
Speaker 1: A huge lesson I've learned from you, which is cool. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's so powerful when you don't feel like you need
Speaker 1: to defend yourself or even if you want to in
Speaker 1: the moment, but then when you regulate like, no, I
Speaker 1: don't have to, because how I show up is going
Speaker 1: to show the person that I'm choosing to be, even
Speaker 1: in situations now I always think too, how you show
Speaker 1: up it gives safety and confidence in your friends and
Speaker 1: family to see how you act and behave in moments
Speaker 1: of trigger and hurt and upset. Well, yeah, and for
Speaker 1: them to see that you handle that with grace and
Speaker 1: with love and with compassion and no aggressiveness. It's just beautiful.
Speaker 1: You know. How I see you communicate with everyone makes
Speaker 1: me feel so safe for anything that I bring to you.
Speaker 1: I know you're going to hold with love and you're
Speaker 1: never going to question my intentions or who I am.
Speaker 1: It's not going to change the way that you think
Speaker 1: about me or feel towards me. You know, it does
Speaker 1: speak such volume and that inspires me to be a
Speaker 1: better person.
Speaker 2: There's one more thing that I just wanted to say
Speaker 2: in terms of communication, that's really been a lifeline for me.
Speaker 2: If you ever feel disregulated, overwhelmed, so full of emotion
Speaker 2: that you don't know how to communicate, I highly recommend
Speaker 2: just using this framework. So it's facts, feeling resolution. Oh okay,
Speaker 2: and this is the way whenever I felt uncomfortable, I
Speaker 2: would always use this. You write down the facts of
Speaker 2: the situation, so XYZ happened, feelings, it made me feel xyz. Resolution,
Speaker 2: This is what I would need moving forward. Can we
Speaker 2: do this?
Speaker 1: That's cool?
Speaker 3: And it doesn't matter.
Speaker 2: What kind of area in life you're in, relationship, friendship,
Speaker 2: family member, it doesn't matter. It's always a framework that
Speaker 2: you can use to communicate and get across exactly what
Speaker 2: it is that you want really and also share your feelings.
Speaker 2: This is you expressing yourself, building that voice up again.
Speaker 1: I absolutely love that. If you guys walk away from
Speaker 1: the episode just implementing that into your communication and how
Speaker 1: you deal with things, or if it's just allowing yourself
Speaker 1: that space when you feel triggered to just take some
Speaker 1: breaths and regulate and think do I want to react
Speaker 1: or do I want to respond in a way that
Speaker 1: I'm proud of, because you get a choice, but a
Speaker 1: lot of us just need that little bit of space
Speaker 1: to gather our thoughts and even having like a safe
Speaker 1: person with it's your partner or your mom, your best friend,
Speaker 1: someone that you can invent out how you really feel.
Speaker 1: Tatiana and Stephanie do that often all the time. I
Speaker 1: will literally say to Steve, babe, as she's gone for
Speaker 1: a walk, Stephanie wants to tell you how I feel
Speaker 1: about what happened today. And Stephanie's fucking pissed. And Stephanie
Speaker 1: thinks this, and I want to respond this, and I'm
Speaker 1: not going to. I'm gonna tell you how I feel.
Speaker 1: You know, it's so healthy to get that out. And
Speaker 1: once I've blown that bit of steam, even if it's
Speaker 1: just a minute, I'm like, now, now I'm going to
Speaker 1: draft out my reply in a way that I'm proud
Speaker 1: of actually come back in.
Speaker 2: And you often feel so much better after that anyway,
Speaker 2: because it's a more compassionate version of you comes. Yes,
Speaker 2: you're like, oh, this can see this water is, I
Speaker 2: can see you for your pain. I can see where
Speaker 2: this projection is coming from. And also too, with online stuff,
Speaker 2: I feel like the last six months, I've really tried
Speaker 2: to think, Ah, I can see how they might assume
Speaker 2: that because I haven't said anything about this, or because
Speaker 2: there's only one side at the moment, or because they've
Speaker 2: seen this or this online, and because I've said that once,
Speaker 2: I can see how they're assuming that. Yes, and try
Speaker 2: to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and don't
Speaker 2: assume the worst, you know, because sometimes if you're triggered
Speaker 2: or something's happening, you can think that they've got bad intentions,
Speaker 2: but genuinely they've missed something, or they're curious, or they
Speaker 2: a bit nosy, but they mean no harm. So it's
Speaker 2: been cool for me to take a step back and
Speaker 2: be like, Okay, this person isn't attacking me, they're just curious.
Speaker 1: I'll give them a benefit of the doubt, and then
Speaker 1: by their next response, I can gauge where they're at
Speaker 1: and their intentions behind it. Oh I like that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but it's still allowing space, isn't it.
Speaker 2: It's like not taking it so personally. Yeah, it feels
Speaker 2: like an attack. Yeah, but being willing to hear and
Speaker 2: communicate more to discover the truth below.
Speaker 1: And when you have an online platform, whether it's a
Speaker 1: thousand followers or a moon followers, people are interested in
Speaker 1: your life. They genuinely are. They want to know what's up,
Speaker 1: they want to know what's happened. They want the goss,
Speaker 1: they want the tea, they want the story because they're connected.
Speaker 1: It's like when people watch reality shows. You don't know
Speaker 1: that person from a bar of so many, you're addicted
Speaker 1: to watching their lives. It's quite a similar Yeah, yeah, same, same,
Speaker 1: But anyways, thank you guys for joining us. We hope
Speaker 1: you loved this episode and we'll see you next week.
Speaker 1: Up the next episode next week. What day are we?
Speaker 1: I don't know? Wednesday? Are we Friday? Bye guys,