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Speaker 1: Apogae Production. Welcome to the shep Risers Podcast. I'm Ashley

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Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana.

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Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to

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Speaker 2: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.

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Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.

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Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone

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Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.

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Speaker 3: Get ready for your next level of self.

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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the podcast. Today, we're talking

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Speaker 1: all about hateful comments that are said online and offline

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Speaker 1: and how you can turn these negative comments and hateful

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Speaker 1: comments and projections into powerful, impactful lessons and you don't

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Speaker 1: let it ruin the way you feel about yourself or

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Speaker 1: your confidence or anything like that. So we're really going

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Speaker 1: to turn this into an empowering episode, and we're going

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Speaker 1: to share some things that have been said about us

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Speaker 1: online and offline and how we've kind of navigated it through.

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Speaker 1: And also, I can't wait for you to teach the

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Speaker 1: way that you respond to comments online because it's something

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Speaker 1: that I've really struggle with over the years, and I've

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Speaker 1: almost bitten back because I wanted to defend myself, you know,

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Speaker 1: and I've really learned a lot about myself in the

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Speaker 1: last six months thanks to you, So I can't wait

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Speaker 1: for everyone to hear how you've helped me and how

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Speaker 1: you navigate that as well.

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Speaker 2: I'm excited for this conversation. It's like turning the trash

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Speaker 2: talk into personal power.

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Speaker 1: Yes, you know how cool is that? Yeah? Love it.

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Speaker 1: So when people talk shit to us or they say

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Speaker 1: things about us, naturally you want to defend yourself. And

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Speaker 1: I feel like my younger version of myself, my teenage's

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Speaker 1: version of myself, and my adult self now up until

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Speaker 1: the last couple of months. Oh, I suppose I still

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Speaker 1: do want to defend myself, but I'm learning that I

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Speaker 1: don't need to and I don't have to, and it's

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Speaker 1: almost a waste of my energy because you're trying to

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Speaker 1: reason with the unreasonable, and there's a way to communicate

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Speaker 1: back to people that say that stuff, and there's also

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Speaker 1: boundaries that you can have in place whether they're worth

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Speaker 1: your energy that day, depending on where you're at. So

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Speaker 1: obviously mine is more being on line. When I get

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Speaker 1: a lot of hate and negative comments come my way,

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Speaker 1: I feel the need to respond and share my story

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Speaker 1: and defend myself and explain to them. But you've kind

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Speaker 1: of taught me that I don't need to do that anymore,

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Speaker 1: which has been really nice. In the last six months,

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Speaker 1: I've been practicing that, and I still have to consciously

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Speaker 1: practice that, And sometimes if I get a comment, I'll

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Speaker 1: send it to you and be like, help, So what

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Speaker 1: would you respond to this? Because I can feel my

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Speaker 1: back get up sometimes because I'm like, Wow, that's not true,

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Speaker 1: and how dare you come onto my page and say

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Speaker 1: that assumption about me? Whether it's publicly or privately. It

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Speaker 1: gets me really triggered and really upset. And I think

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Speaker 1: because I've dealt with it for so long over the years,

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Speaker 1: it is just a hairline trigger, like it doesn't take

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Speaker 1: much depending on what it's about. But when it's something

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Speaker 1: fresh online that I'm navigating, I find it really hard.

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Speaker 1: What is your communication style and how do you navigate this?

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Speaker 1: Because you've taught me a lot, but I'd love for

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Speaker 1: you to teach everyone else because everyone deals with bullies

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Speaker 1: online offline at some point in their life.

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Speaker 2: Love that firstly, I just wanted to say as well,

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Speaker 2: it's also giving yourself some leeway and some leniency with

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Speaker 2: that as well. You've been dealing with this for such

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Speaker 2: a long time, and I can only imagine how it

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Speaker 2: would feel to have people constantly nitpick at what you do,

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Speaker 2: your actions, your behaviors, everything that you know is kind

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Speaker 2: of online anyway. So it's like those triggers are so

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Speaker 2: valid for being there, and it's like I would feel

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Speaker 2: the same way as well, you know, whereas like the

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Speaker 2: whole situation of communication, when people have something to say,

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Speaker 2: I think everyone is going to have their opinion at

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Speaker 2: the end of the day. On social media or in person,

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Speaker 2: people are going to say what they think, and sometimes

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Speaker 2: people don't care how that impacts other people. But the

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Speaker 2: only thing that we can control, and I think this

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Speaker 2: is what I've taught myself, even from dealing with the

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Speaker 2: sex tape, is that people are going to have an

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Speaker 2: opinion about what you do, regardless of how you try

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Speaker 2: to paint yourself. So it doesn't matter how much you

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Speaker 2: try to prove, defend, explain, or try to reason with

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Speaker 2: the unreasonable, You're never going to get the response that

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Speaker 2: you want. And so all you can do in that

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Speaker 2: time and in that moment, and at least this is

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Speaker 2: what I've done in my journey, is respond in a way.

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Speaker 3: That you would be proud of.

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Speaker 2: Yes, And that's honestly what's helped me. So even in

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Speaker 2: the moments where people have said things to my face

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Speaker 2: about the sex tape, said things behind my back, whispered

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Speaker 2: things as I'm walking past, message me on fake accounts,

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Speaker 2: all I can do in those moments is respond in

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Speaker 2: the way that i'd be proud of, in the way

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Speaker 2: that I know myself to be.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you knowuiful.

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Speaker 2: There's nothing that you can say that we'll ever convince

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Speaker 2: someone to see you in a way that they're committed

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Speaker 2: to misunderstanding you. You know that's powerful, and I think

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Speaker 2: just you've done such a beautiful job already at growing

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Speaker 2: that because you have you've wanted to learn and grow

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Speaker 2: to how to not be you know, reactive in moments

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Speaker 2: where you feel triggered.

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Speaker 3: But it also is hard as well.

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Speaker 2: It's acknowledging that it's hard as well, because you are

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Speaker 2: being faced with that stuff all the time. It's like

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Speaker 2: constantly being retriggered with an open wound. Yeah, I just

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Speaker 2: think everybody gets to have an opinion. I think there's

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Speaker 2: a way to deliver and communicate things, and you can

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Speaker 2: stand up for yourself without judging that person, without attacking

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Speaker 2: their character, without being an asshole, without being passive aggressive.

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Speaker 2: There are going to be things that come up for you.

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Speaker 2: We're not going to handle it perfectly all the time.

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Speaker 2: I absolutely don't, and I tell you ten years ago,

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Speaker 2: I absolutely did not do this. But now it's just

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Speaker 2: about responding and not defending. Yeah, it also ties into

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Speaker 2: having a voice. For example, what I believe is that

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Speaker 2: when you're trying to communicate with somebody and they're not

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Speaker 2: hearing you, or you know that they're not going to

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Speaker 2: respond in the way that you want them to, you don't.

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Speaker 3: Need them to.

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Speaker 2: It's not even about that person. It's about you. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: it's about having a voice and being like, this person

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Speaker 2: can have an opinion, but so can I, and I

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Speaker 2: get to have an opinion in this and I get

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Speaker 2: to voice what it is that I think. And if

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Speaker 2: this person is saying something to me that I don't like,

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Speaker 2: I have every right to come back and say, respectfully,

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Speaker 2: I don't appreciate what it is that you're saying to me.

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Speaker 2: I don't appreciate the way that you just spoke to me.

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Speaker 2: I don't appreciate the tone that you just came at

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Speaker 2: me with So it's not about being combative or being

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Speaker 2: a bitch or trying to create like chaos or anything

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Speaker 2: like that.

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Speaker 3: It's none of that.

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Speaker 2: It actually, at least for me, is just about regardless

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Speaker 2: of how this person is going to respond, you were

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Speaker 2: valid and worthy of having a voice.

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Speaker 1: That's been a big thing because I think I was

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Speaker 1: on one end of the scale reacting and wanting to

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Speaker 1: defend myself, and then on the other end of the scale,

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Speaker 1: I would delete because I didn't think my voice was

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Speaker 1: ever going to be heard, so I just would avoid. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and then there was just a couple of comments that

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Speaker 1: came through over the last couple of months, revolving you

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Speaker 1: and I and this podcast or different things, and I

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Speaker 1: would be triggered and say, this is really upsetting me,

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Speaker 1: and You're like, leave it there. We can respond in

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Speaker 1: a beautiful way that acknowledges the situation, acknowledges what's going on.

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Speaker 1: But you're also allowed to stand in your power, and

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Speaker 1: you're also allowed to honor your pain whilst holding theirs

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Speaker 1: and just being really cool to watch the way that

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Speaker 1: you communicate, And it's really helped me reflect on my communication.

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Speaker 1: I think I've just grown so much from that, but

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Speaker 1: it's still a practice for me. It's not something that

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Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, all of a sudden, I got this,

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Speaker 1: because I think for you it does come more natural

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Speaker 1: now to respond in that way because you've practiced that

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Speaker 1: for so many years. And I think we can all

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Speaker 1: improve on the way we communicate with our partners, with

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Speaker 1: our friends, with our kids. We lose patience and you know,

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Speaker 1: the biggest thing for me too, has been just allowing

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Speaker 1: a bit of space when it comes in and the

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Speaker 1: trigger comes up, a little bit of space to regulate myself. Again,

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Speaker 1: never respond when you're instantly triggered. Yeah, and just regulated

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Speaker 1: because nine out of ten times it's not going to

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Speaker 1: come out how you'd be proud of, how you would

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Speaker 1: like you to be seen. That's the key. Yeah, you'd

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Speaker 1: be in regret or it would just add more fuel

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Speaker 1: to the fire. So just giving yourself that space that

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Speaker 1: everyone doesn't need to be responded to in an instant

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Speaker 1: For me online too, which we've had conversations around sometimes

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Speaker 1: if I can see they've made their mind up about me,

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Speaker 1: they are full projection, they're not open to having a conversation.

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Speaker 1: I do delete block. That's a boundary for me, I actually,

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Speaker 1: you don't deserve any of my energy if you're not

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Speaker 1: even willing to hear my side or be open that

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Speaker 1: there's two sides to a story, or you make that

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Speaker 1: assumption up about my relationship with my kids, or you're

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Speaker 1: questioning my character, or sometimes I'm just like Noah and

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Speaker 1: you're coming from a fake profile with no photo, no name.

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Speaker 1: You're not even going to show your face. I don't

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Speaker 1: even know who I'm talking to. So there's boundaries around

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Speaker 1: it as well, But it's just very cool practice when

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Speaker 1: these things arise, and everyone listening can implement this into

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Speaker 1: your life. Every time you come across someone that has

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Speaker 1: an opinion or says something mean or negative, or criticizes

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Speaker 1: you or your kids, or your relationship or your work,

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Speaker 1: how do you respond? How do you react? Where's your

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Speaker 1: nervous system at on a one to ten? Are you

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Speaker 1: about to blow up? Or you're at a five, or

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Speaker 1: you're to three and you can still breathe bring yourself

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Speaker 1: back down to be a two or three. If you're

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Speaker 1: feeling on fire up here, about to burst, just give

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Speaker 1: that little bit of space and it could only be

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Speaker 1: a minute. I've just actually going to the bathroom and

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Speaker 1: taking some big breaths and then coming back and being

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Speaker 1: able to address it.

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Speaker 2: I like what you said around giving yourself a minute

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Speaker 2: to regulate, especially as like a full blown anxious galley.

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Speaker 2: It's so important because as an anxious person you want

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Speaker 2: to lean in straight away and fix and talk about it.

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Speaker 2: And also as well, even when you're receiving shit like

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Speaker 2: that and people are saying things about you, you want

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Speaker 2: to preserve the way that people see. You want to

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Speaker 2: fix it, you want to make amends. That's what you're

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Speaker 2: forward leaning. Yes, you know, And something my dad has

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Speaker 2: always said to me, He's like, if forever you are dysregulated, angry,

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Speaker 2: upset at a situation, just sleep on it. Yeah, that's

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Speaker 2: just sleep on it because it's like it's likely that

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Speaker 2: you will feel different in the morning than what you

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Speaker 2: do right now.

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Speaker 3: You just need a breather and you need a nap.

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Speaker 1: Actually, spark go to bed. Yeah, you know, had a

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Speaker 1: lot of people say you should never go to bed

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Speaker 1: angry with your partner. Kind of disagree. Yeah, sometimes it's

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Speaker 1: okay to be angry your partner. Sleep on it and

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Speaker 1: wake up and be like, oh spicy last night or wow,

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Speaker 1: I didn't really hold space for you or gosh, that

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Speaker 1: really upset me how you said that. Can we talk

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Speaker 1: about it now that we can't, I should think it's

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Speaker 1: okay to take space. And if that's at nighttime, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's what you've got to do.

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Speaker 3: It's discernment.

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Speaker 2: Hey, it's like what you're mentioning about the online comments.

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Speaker 2: Is this worth my energy or not? And you have

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Speaker 2: to everybody's different obviously be able to gauge within yourself.

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Speaker 2: Does this throw me into an anxious spiral and go

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Speaker 2: into self doubt and it's going to ruin the rest

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Speaker 2: of my day? Okay, delete and block the comment. Okay,

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Speaker 2: you know, don't have the conversation right now. But if

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Speaker 2: it's something that you're like, Okay, I can handle this.

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Speaker 2: This makes me uncomfortable, but also I don't appreciate this

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Speaker 2: on my page in my community.

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Speaker 3: I'm not going to tolerate this.

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Speaker 2: Yeah you go, okay, beautiful, I can have this conversation

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Speaker 2: with this person. Let this person know where I'm at. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: engauge where that person is as well. Same thing with

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Speaker 2: your partner. Okay, can I communicate how I'm feeling right now?

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Speaker 2: Can they communicate how they're feeling beautiful. If yes, amazing,

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Speaker 2: you'll work it out. If not, sleep on it, you'll

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Speaker 2: be fine. Exact we do, and.

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Speaker 1: I think we have to remember our words can have

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Speaker 1: a positive or a negative impact. People forget the power

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Speaker 1: of words and negatively, they could be the reason why

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Speaker 1: someone doesn't eat that day, how they skip a meal,

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Speaker 1: they don't take an opportunity, they question themselves, they don't

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Speaker 1: take a chance, they don't want to get out of bed.

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Speaker 1: You just never want to be the person that's part

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Speaker 1: responsible for how that person's feeling. I know myself. I

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Speaker 1: used to always say this when I get hate, I'm

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Speaker 1: so grateful that it's on me and it's not on

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Speaker 1: a fifteen year old girl that is at her tipping

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Speaker 1: edge of not wanting to be on earth side. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: or a mum that's a breaking point that one comment

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Speaker 1: could literally have her having a mental breakdown. And she's

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Speaker 1: got three young children take care of when she can't

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Speaker 1: take care of them, So bring it on me. I

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Speaker 1: always think if they're doing it to me, then hopefully

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Speaker 1: they're not doing it to someone else. But back when

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Speaker 1: I was younger and going through the hate, I was

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Speaker 1: at that tipping edge and every comment was another reminder

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Speaker 1: of this is not going to stop unless I leave earthside.

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Speaker 1: I would never want to be contributing to anything that

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Speaker 1: could affect someone's mental health.

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Speaker 2: Ever, it's like death by a thousand cuts.

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Speaker 1: Hey, literally we comment one hundred percent And I don't

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Speaker 1: know why. For some reason, people think that if you

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Speaker 1: have a following that it doesn't affect you, or it's

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Speaker 1: expected that you should get hate and you should have

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Speaker 1: everyone's opinions thrown at you just because you think something.

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Speaker 1: Guess what, You don't have to type it. Yeah, you

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Speaker 1: don't actually have to vocalize that. Vocalize it with your

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Speaker 1: best friend or your partner or voice recorder or journal it.

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Speaker 1: Say it in the ocean when I can hear you. You

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Speaker 1: don't actually have to say that to that person online.

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Speaker 1: There's still a human behind the screen.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, they forget that they're doing it to a human.

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Speaker 1: Yes, I think so too'tual person behind that screen.

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Speaker 2: Almost as if people don't understand the consequences of their

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Speaker 2: actions because they're not receiving the consequences if they were.

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Speaker 2: You never think it will happen to you until it's

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Speaker 2: happening to you, and then you're going through it. I

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Speaker 2: think it's something that we can all be more conscious

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Speaker 2: and mindful of, is the way that we are outwardly

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Speaker 2: treating other people and impacting others. Because it might seem

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Speaker 2: like a mindless comment on someone's social media post that

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Speaker 2: you're questioning about, yeah, but don't realize that that could

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Speaker 2: be the thing that tips them over the edge.

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Speaker 1: You also don't know what's cut behind closed doors. So

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Speaker 1: you think by looking at their highlight reel that they've

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Speaker 1: got a great partner and they've got a shiny car

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Speaker 1: and they're doing well. What if their mums just passed away.

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Speaker 1: What if they're in the midst of going through a divorce?

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Speaker 1: Actually have no idea what if your sexual comment triggered

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Speaker 1: their sexual assault from when their you like, you actually

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Speaker 1: have no idea what someone's battling behind closed doors. And

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Speaker 1: guess what, every single moment of each day, you have

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Speaker 1: a choice to be kind, to be positive towards someone,

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Speaker 1: or to be negative. That is a conscious choice that

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Speaker 1: you are making a lot of time. It's unconscious, but

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Speaker 1: you need to take more responsibility for what you're putting

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Speaker 1: out in the world. It does have impact.

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Speaker 2: I agree, and I think this is why it's supportant

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Speaker 2: conversation to be able to have because there's a new

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Speaker 2: standard that we get to set for the way that

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Speaker 2: we get to be treated in everyday life online on

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Speaker 2: social media, especially when it comes to people leaving random comments.

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Speaker 2: And yes, there's a battle between knowing what's worthy of

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Speaker 2: replying to and then replying to things based on how

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Speaker 2: much mental capacity you have, But it's setting a new

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Speaker 2: standard of just going, regardless of whether it's in person,

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Speaker 2: on social media, online, or wherever I get a voice.

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Speaker 2: And it's not because I'm trying to fight with a

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Speaker 2: troll or respond to somebody who doesn't like me, or

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Speaker 2: to prove that I'm worthy. It's simply to remind the

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Speaker 2: seven year old girl inside of you and me and

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Speaker 2: everyone listening that someone can say something nasty to you

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Speaker 2: and you have a right to speak back. And I

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Speaker 2: think a lot of women are naturally more full into

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Speaker 2: the suppression of their voice and have been exiled for

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Speaker 2: that in the past. Long generations before us been exiled

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Speaker 2: for being witches and all the things. So it's a

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Speaker 2: whole of the conversation. But we suppress naturally our voices,

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Speaker 2: and this is about a declaration to yourself of bringing

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Speaker 2: back that power of your voice and reminding yourself that

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Speaker 2: you've got one.

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Speaker 1: So beautifully said, every time you choose not to have

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Speaker 1: a voice, actually have a photo of yourself, you're not

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Speaker 1: just abandoning yourself as your adult self. You're actually abandoning

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Speaker 1: that little girl. And the more you abandon her, the

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Speaker 1: more she's just going to want to be seen and heard,

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Speaker 1: and it's going to come out in other ways. The

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Speaker 1: moment she feels heard, it's like you get to release

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Speaker 1: her and she gets to be seen and love for

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Speaker 1: all she is. That's only our responsibilities. No one can

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Speaker 1: actually do that for you. I wish someone could come

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Speaker 1: and save you, but they can't. An amazing job in

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Speaker 1: a child work. It's super challenging work, but it's really

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Speaker 1: important just acknowledge that they're actually there. They're still a

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Speaker 1: part of you and they always will be.

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Speaker 2: And you know what, that inner child likely doesn't have

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Speaker 2: the tools to communicate properly, so us as the protectors

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Speaker 2: of our inner children and children so sounds funny to

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Speaker 2: say in that context, as the protectors, it's our opportunity

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Speaker 2: and our responsibility to learn how to communicate as adults,

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Speaker 2: so that we can resolve so that we can connect better,

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Speaker 2: so that we can get that voice, and that point

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Speaker 2: across of the little girl inside who struggled to speak

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Speaker 2: up when she was younger heard or who was yeah, dismissed,

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Speaker 2: you know, spoken down to punish all the time, told

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Speaker 2: that she wasn't allowed to have a voice. It's healing

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Speaker 2: all of those things that we've experienced in the past,

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Speaker 2: but doing it in a way that we're proud of.

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Speaker 1: Yes, that's so beautiful. So apparently I cheat on Steve

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Speaker 1: all the time and he cheats on me all the time.

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Speaker 1: This is a projection that we get all the time.

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Speaker 1: Every time I go away or he goes away, there'll

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Speaker 1: be a fake profile with no name making up these rumors,

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Speaker 1: and that for me is something that I just don't

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Speaker 1: ever entertain. It's an instant delete and block. Like we've

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Speaker 1: literally been together before and someone said, oh, Steve's out

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Speaker 1: doing this. I'm like, you fucking realize other movies together.

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Speaker 1: It's just so absurd. It's so crazy the lens people

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Speaker 1: will go to to try and cause drama, and that

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Speaker 1: for me is just not even worth one ounce of

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Speaker 1: my energy. Yeah, So it's an instant delete and block.

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Speaker 1: Some things I'm open to having conversations with and some

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Speaker 1: things I won't.

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Speaker 2: Entertain understandable and also as well, it's an indication of

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Speaker 2: the bond and the relationship and the death that you

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Speaker 2: guys have know for you to be able to to.

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Speaker 3: Be able to respond in that way.

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Speaker 2: No, no, like you don't understand what we have here,

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Speaker 2: what we've built and consistently built over the seventeen years

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Speaker 2: that you both have been together.

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Speaker 1: I don't know us from a bar of soap.

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00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:21,360
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, Like Tatiana is like the audacity for someone

378
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Speaker 2: to try to get between someone's relationship like that marriage

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Speaker 2: and to have no regard for consequences of what that

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Speaker 2: might do if someone didn't have a strong bond.

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Speaker 1: Or imagine if that was a relationship where there had

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Speaker 1: been cheating in the past and then they haven't done

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Speaker 1: it since, which isn't Steve and I, but imagine that

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Speaker 1: they're hearing a rumor that would just bring up all

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Speaker 1: the triggers and imagine that partner hadn't done that. The

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Speaker 1: trouble people can cause this online world is it's interesting.

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Speaker 2: This isn't necessarily a comment or anything like that. This

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00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:55,041
Speaker 2: is something that happened in real life. But I remember

389
00:17:55,321 --> 00:17:57,321
Speaker 2: my first relationship that I was with. We were together

390
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Speaker 2: on and off for about three to four years, and

391
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Speaker 2: he had a girl best friend who was just such

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Speaker 2: an absolute bitch to me. Oh no, I hate to

393
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Speaker 2: even use the word, but she just for some.

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Speaker 3: Reason, was so rude to me.

395
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Speaker 2: Didn't want to buy a soap for me, wouldn't communicate

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00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:17,601
Speaker 2: with me, didn't want to be my friend, always had

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00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:21,160
Speaker 2: something to say, passive aggressive stabs. Yeah, would make it

398
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Speaker 2: out like I wasn't there when we were all together.

399
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Speaker 2: It was really uncomfortable, and I just remember her this

400
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:29,480
Speaker 2: one time. He told me this actually, which is bizarre

401
00:18:29,521 --> 00:18:32,001
Speaker 2: that he told me this after we'd broken up. I

402
00:18:32,041 --> 00:18:34,561
Speaker 2: had gained some weight because I really struggled with the

403
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:39,520
Speaker 2: relationship breakup, and I remember him telling me, oh, so

404
00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:43,360
Speaker 2: and so told me that it looks like Tiana took

405
00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:45,041
Speaker 2: the breakup really bad because it looks like she's been

406
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Speaker 2: eating a tub of ice cream every night for dinner.

407
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Speaker 2: Obviously that wasn't said to my face. It was Chinese

408
00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:53,880
Speaker 2: whispers of some kind. But it's those moments where you

409
00:18:53,921 --> 00:18:56,041
Speaker 2: either get to choose, like how is this going to

410
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Speaker 2: impact me? In the way I feel about myself or

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Speaker 2: am I going to use it into something productive?

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Speaker 1: Yes?

413
00:19:01,321 --> 00:19:03,801
Speaker 2: And little did you know, that was the very beginning

414
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Speaker 2: of my fitness journey. Thank you, Ken confirm I turned

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Speaker 2: my pain into power.

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Speaker 1: Uh huh.

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Speaker 2: I just remember being so hurt by that comment, because

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Speaker 2: that was the most heartbroken I'd ever been in my life.

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Speaker 3: And I was so young, I.

420
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Speaker 2: Was still learning, I was still a little baby, and

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Speaker 2: I'd been through what felt like a lot of pain

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Speaker 2: in that relationship.

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Speaker 3: For someone to say something it sounds.

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Speaker 2: Silly, it's such a light thing, but I just remember

425
00:19:27,761 --> 00:19:30,080
Speaker 2: the impact that it had. And it's just those comments

426
00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:33,241
Speaker 2: that people aren't aware of. That's a passing comment, might

427
00:19:33,281 --> 00:19:35,881
Speaker 2: not mean much to them, but it might completely change

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Speaker 2: everything for somebody else.

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Speaker 1: Yes, you know, I don't know if you're open to sharing,

430
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Speaker 1: but I remember you sharing with me a story about

431
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Speaker 1: a past friendship where you were accused of taking some money,

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Speaker 1: like a cleaner or a gardener bill or something. Yeah,

433
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:52,441
Speaker 1: so about that, and how did you respond to her

434
00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:54,041
Speaker 1: or the situation or the rumors?

435
00:19:54,201 --> 00:19:57,200
Speaker 2: Absolutely so to give context. So I didn't know that

436
00:19:57,281 --> 00:19:59,600
Speaker 2: this was being said about me. I found this out

437
00:19:59,921 --> 00:20:02,281
Speaker 2: maybe two years later. Oh, something like that, and it

438
00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:04,760
Speaker 2: was one of my old best friends. She had then

439
00:20:04,801 --> 00:20:06,240
Speaker 2: come to me and said, hey, I'm sorry for the

440
00:20:06,241 --> 00:20:07,880
Speaker 2: way that I behaved, in the way that I treated you.

441
00:20:07,961 --> 00:20:09,761
Speaker 2: I didn't even give you the benefit of the doubt,

442
00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:12,081
Speaker 2: and I don't believe anything that was said about you,

443
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:14,080
Speaker 2: but here are the things that are being said about you.

444
00:20:14,681 --> 00:20:16,600
Speaker 2: One of the things that was being said behind my

445
00:20:16,681 --> 00:20:19,161
Speaker 2: back was that you should be worried of Tiana because

446
00:20:19,201 --> 00:20:21,880
Speaker 2: she tried to take the man that I was seeing,

447
00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:25,041
Speaker 2: or her boyfriend at the time when we were living together,

448
00:20:25,721 --> 00:20:29,600
Speaker 2: which is very fucking ironic because I didn't even meet

449
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:33,160
Speaker 2: the guy. Oh, she wasn't dating anybody when we were

450
00:20:33,201 --> 00:20:33,721
Speaker 2: living together.

451
00:20:33,761 --> 00:20:34,321
Speaker 3: I didn't know.

452
00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:38,120
Speaker 2: I do remember seeing something that she had received a

453
00:20:38,201 --> 00:20:40,761
Speaker 2: gift or something like that whilst we were still living together,

454
00:20:40,761 --> 00:20:42,720
Speaker 2: whilst we were still friends, but at this point our

455
00:20:42,721 --> 00:20:45,400
Speaker 2: friendship had broken down so much that we weren't really

456
00:20:45,561 --> 00:20:47,520
Speaker 2: telling each other everything anymore, and there was a lot

457
00:20:47,561 --> 00:20:51,400
Speaker 2: of distance in space between us, and apparently I tried

458
00:20:51,441 --> 00:20:54,600
Speaker 2: to take him off her, like steal her man, and

459
00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:57,680
Speaker 2: it was the most bizarre thing, and I just remember

460
00:20:57,721 --> 00:21:00,401
Speaker 2: being so hurt by it because I one didn't meet

461
00:21:00,441 --> 00:21:02,080
Speaker 2: the guy. I would have never done anything like that

462
00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:05,520
Speaker 2: to her, and she tried to use my past against

463
00:21:05,521 --> 00:21:07,440
Speaker 2: me in a lot of ways. And so that was

464
00:21:07,481 --> 00:21:08,801
Speaker 2: one of the things that I was told. And then

465
00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:11,920
Speaker 2: another thing that I was told was that apparently I

466
00:21:12,041 --> 00:21:14,440
Speaker 2: was pocketing the cleaner money that we were putting aside

467
00:21:14,441 --> 00:21:16,761
Speaker 2: for our cleaner to pay every week, which was like

468
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:19,041
Speaker 2: fifty dollars each or something seventy dollars each.

469
00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:21,801
Speaker 1: Anyone that knows you is just ridiculous.

470
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:24,440
Speaker 2: Claiming that I was stealing money from her, which is

471
00:21:24,481 --> 00:21:28,880
Speaker 2: so bizarre because especially especially in that house, I was

472
00:21:28,921 --> 00:21:31,561
Speaker 2: always paying my way. We spit everything fifty to fifty

473
00:21:31,961 --> 00:21:33,880
Speaker 2: even if we didn't, and she would buy food, I

474
00:21:33,921 --> 00:21:35,801
Speaker 2: would then buy food, and I was paying for it

475
00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:36,640
Speaker 2: for her kids.

476
00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:37,280
Speaker 3: As well, do you know what I mean.

477
00:21:37,321 --> 00:21:38,400
Speaker 1: So it was always like we were.

478
00:21:38,321 --> 00:21:42,161
Speaker 2: Always paying it forward. It really hurt me. It really

479
00:21:42,241 --> 00:21:44,961
Speaker 2: hurt me, and what was said about me, and again

480
00:21:45,001 --> 00:21:47,241
Speaker 2: it could have been so much worse, which is totally fine,

481
00:21:47,281 --> 00:21:48,680
Speaker 2: but it's not the point. It was someone who was

482
00:21:48,921 --> 00:21:51,400
Speaker 2: really close to me, really knew me, also knew how

483
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:52,880
Speaker 2: to hurt me, which is really unfortunate.

484
00:21:53,521 --> 00:21:55,601
Speaker 1: Is it kind of a good thing, blessing in disguise

485
00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:57,640
Speaker 1: that you found out two years later, Because do you

486
00:21:57,640 --> 00:21:59,440
Speaker 1: think at the moment you would have reacted in a

487
00:21:59,441 --> 00:22:01,880
Speaker 1: different way, whereas two years down the track you were like, Okay,

488
00:22:01,921 --> 00:22:03,801
Speaker 1: that's been said, I'm not going to do anything about it. Whatever.

489
00:22:04,041 --> 00:22:04,360
Speaker 1: I think.

490
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:06,321
Speaker 2: If I had so that at the time, when I

491
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:08,481
Speaker 2: was really hurt and I was really grieving the friendship,

492
00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:11,761
Speaker 2: I think I definitely would have responded in a different way.

493
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:14,400
Speaker 2: But when this woman came to me and spoke to

494
00:22:14,441 --> 00:22:17,440
Speaker 2: me about it, it was less about what had been

495
00:22:17,481 --> 00:22:19,761
Speaker 2: said about me and more about like I was sorry

496
00:22:19,801 --> 00:22:22,281
Speaker 2: that she had experienced the same thing with this woman.

497
00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:24,840
Speaker 2: And I guess at the end of the day, I

498
00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:27,401
Speaker 2: remember saying to her like, there's nothing that I could

499
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:30,001
Speaker 2: have said or done to change the way that she

500
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:32,121
Speaker 2: was talking about me. Like, at the end of the day,

501
00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:34,080
Speaker 2: like I know who I am, and I remember coming

502
00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:36,120
Speaker 2: to you and saying this to you, There's nothing that

503
00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:38,521
Speaker 2: I could have done. Who I choose to be now

504
00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:41,160
Speaker 2: speaks volumes. And I've never felt like I had to

505
00:22:41,201 --> 00:22:44,561
Speaker 2: defend myself, and even though I wanted to in moments

506
00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:47,321
Speaker 2: where I felt vulnerable and in pain and all of

507
00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:50,600
Speaker 2: those things. I wanted to defend myself at some points,

508
00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:52,120
Speaker 2: but I realized that I didn't have to do that,

509
00:22:52,441 --> 00:22:54,561
Speaker 2: and who I chose to be and who I knew

510
00:22:54,561 --> 00:22:57,440
Speaker 2: myself to be at my core speaks so much louder

511
00:22:57,681 --> 00:22:59,561
Speaker 2: than any words that I could have said, and.

512
00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:02,401
Speaker 1: A huge lesson I've learned from you, which is cool. Yeah,

513
00:23:02,561 --> 00:23:04,321
Speaker 1: it's so powerful when you don't feel like you need

514
00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:06,400
Speaker 1: to defend yourself or even if you want to in

515
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,521
Speaker 1: the moment, but then when you regulate like, no, I

516
00:23:08,521 --> 00:23:10,240
Speaker 1: don't have to, because how I show up is going

517
00:23:10,281 --> 00:23:13,481
Speaker 1: to show the person that I'm choosing to be, even

518
00:23:13,521 --> 00:23:17,041
Speaker 1: in situations now I always think too, how you show

519
00:23:17,120 --> 00:23:20,240
Speaker 1: up it gives safety and confidence in your friends and

520
00:23:20,281 --> 00:23:23,680
Speaker 1: family to see how you act and behave in moments

521
00:23:23,681 --> 00:23:25,801
Speaker 1: of trigger and hurt and upset. Well, yeah, and for

522
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:27,801
Speaker 1: them to see that you handle that with grace and

523
00:23:27,801 --> 00:23:33,360
Speaker 1: with love and with compassion and no aggressiveness. It's just beautiful.

524
00:23:33,921 --> 00:23:36,321
Speaker 1: You know. How I see you communicate with everyone makes

525
00:23:36,321 --> 00:23:38,761
Speaker 1: me feel so safe for anything that I bring to you.

526
00:23:39,241 --> 00:23:41,241
Speaker 1: I know you're going to hold with love and you're

527
00:23:41,321 --> 00:23:43,761
Speaker 1: never going to question my intentions or who I am.

528
00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:45,361
Speaker 1: It's not going to change the way that you think

529
00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:48,561
Speaker 1: about me or feel towards me. You know, it does

530
00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:50,920
Speaker 1: speak such volume and that inspires me to be a

531
00:23:50,921 --> 00:23:51,440
Speaker 1: better person.

532
00:23:51,561 --> 00:23:53,121
Speaker 2: There's one more thing that I just wanted to say

533
00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:56,041
Speaker 2: in terms of communication, that's really been a lifeline for me.

534
00:23:56,561 --> 00:24:00,521
Speaker 2: If you ever feel disregulated, overwhelmed, so full of emotion

535
00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:03,361
Speaker 2: that you don't know how to communicate, I highly recommend

536
00:24:03,441 --> 00:24:08,920
Speaker 2: just using this framework. So it's facts, feeling resolution. Oh okay,

537
00:24:08,921 --> 00:24:11,480
Speaker 2: and this is the way whenever I felt uncomfortable, I

538
00:24:11,481 --> 00:24:14,480
Speaker 2: would always use this. You write down the facts of

539
00:24:14,481 --> 00:24:20,721
Speaker 2: the situation, so XYZ happened, feelings, it made me feel xyz. Resolution,

540
00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:23,840
Speaker 2: This is what I would need moving forward. Can we

541
00:24:23,921 --> 00:24:24,241
Speaker 2: do this?

542
00:24:24,481 --> 00:24:25,120
Speaker 1: That's cool?

543
00:24:25,321 --> 00:24:26,321
Speaker 3: And it doesn't matter.

544
00:24:26,120 --> 00:24:28,481
Speaker 2: What kind of area in life you're in, relationship, friendship,

545
00:24:28,521 --> 00:24:31,321
Speaker 2: family member, it doesn't matter. It's always a framework that

546
00:24:31,360 --> 00:24:34,600
Speaker 2: you can use to communicate and get across exactly what

547
00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:37,400
Speaker 2: it is that you want really and also share your feelings.

548
00:24:37,441 --> 00:24:40,880
Speaker 2: This is you expressing yourself, building that voice up again.

549
00:24:41,041 --> 00:24:43,281
Speaker 1: I absolutely love that. If you guys walk away from

550
00:24:43,281 --> 00:24:46,881
Speaker 1: the episode just implementing that into your communication and how

551
00:24:46,921 --> 00:24:50,000
Speaker 1: you deal with things, or if it's just allowing yourself

552
00:24:50,041 --> 00:24:51,880
Speaker 1: that space when you feel triggered to just take some

553
00:24:51,961 --> 00:24:54,720
Speaker 1: breaths and regulate and think do I want to react

554
00:24:54,801 --> 00:24:56,281
Speaker 1: or do I want to respond in a way that

555
00:24:56,321 --> 00:24:58,321
Speaker 1: I'm proud of, because you get a choice, but a

556
00:24:58,360 --> 00:25:00,120
Speaker 1: lot of us just need that little bit of space

557
00:25:00,201 --> 00:25:03,281
Speaker 1: to gather our thoughts and even having like a safe

558
00:25:03,281 --> 00:25:05,761
Speaker 1: person with it's your partner or your mom, your best friend,

559
00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:08,440
Speaker 1: someone that you can invent out how you really feel.

560
00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:11,001
Speaker 1: Tatiana and Stephanie do that often all the time. I

561
00:25:11,001 --> 00:25:13,440
Speaker 1: will literally say to Steve, babe, as she's gone for

562
00:25:13,481 --> 00:25:16,521
Speaker 1: a walk, Stephanie wants to tell you how I feel

563
00:25:16,521 --> 00:25:20,361
Speaker 1: about what happened today. And Stephanie's fucking pissed. And Stephanie

564
00:25:20,441 --> 00:25:22,521
Speaker 1: thinks this, and I want to respond this, and I'm

565
00:25:22,561 --> 00:25:24,600
Speaker 1: not going to. I'm gonna tell you how I feel.

566
00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:27,080
Speaker 1: You know, it's so healthy to get that out. And

567
00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:29,241
Speaker 1: once I've blown that bit of steam, even if it's

568
00:25:29,281 --> 00:25:32,521
Speaker 1: just a minute, I'm like, now, now I'm going to

569
00:25:32,600 --> 00:25:34,321
Speaker 1: draft out my reply in a way that I'm proud

570
00:25:34,321 --> 00:25:35,280
Speaker 1: of actually come back in.

571
00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:37,681
Speaker 2: And you often feel so much better after that anyway,

572
00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:40,920
Speaker 2: because it's a more compassionate version of you comes. Yes,

573
00:25:41,321 --> 00:25:43,521
Speaker 2: you're like, oh, this can see this water is, I

574
00:25:43,521 --> 00:25:45,321
Speaker 2: can see you for your pain. I can see where

575
00:25:45,321 --> 00:25:50,241
Speaker 2: this projection is coming from. And also too, with online stuff,

576
00:25:50,360 --> 00:25:52,321
Speaker 2: I feel like the last six months, I've really tried

577
00:25:52,360 --> 00:25:55,761
Speaker 2: to think, Ah, I can see how they might assume

578
00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:59,521
Speaker 2: that because I haven't said anything about this, or because

579
00:25:59,961 --> 00:26:03,241
Speaker 2: there's only one side at the moment, or because they've

580
00:26:03,321 --> 00:26:05,920
Speaker 2: seen this or this online, and because I've said that once,

581
00:26:06,001 --> 00:26:09,201
Speaker 2: I can see how they're assuming that. Yes, and try

582
00:26:09,281 --> 00:26:11,120
Speaker 2: to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and don't

583
00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:14,921
Speaker 2: assume the worst, you know, because sometimes if you're triggered

584
00:26:15,001 --> 00:26:17,360
Speaker 2: or something's happening, you can think that they've got bad intentions,

585
00:26:17,360 --> 00:26:21,160
Speaker 2: but genuinely they've missed something, or they're curious, or they

586
00:26:21,241 --> 00:26:23,281
Speaker 2: a bit nosy, but they mean no harm. So it's

587
00:26:23,281 --> 00:26:24,561
Speaker 2: been cool for me to take a step back and

588
00:26:24,561 --> 00:26:28,401
Speaker 2: be like, Okay, this person isn't attacking me, they're just curious.

589
00:26:28,761 --> 00:26:30,321
Speaker 1: I'll give them a benefit of the doubt, and then

590
00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:33,041
Speaker 1: by their next response, I can gauge where they're at

591
00:26:33,321 --> 00:26:35,761
Speaker 1: and their intentions behind it. Oh I like that. Yeah,

592
00:26:35,801 --> 00:26:37,561
Speaker 1: but it's still allowing space, isn't it.

593
00:26:37,561 --> 00:26:40,480
Speaker 2: It's like not taking it so personally. Yeah, it feels

594
00:26:40,481 --> 00:26:42,761
Speaker 2: like an attack. Yeah, but being willing to hear and

595
00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:45,561
Speaker 2: communicate more to discover the truth below.

596
00:26:45,481 --> 00:26:47,241
Speaker 1: And when you have an online platform, whether it's a

597
00:26:47,321 --> 00:26:50,400
Speaker 1: thousand followers or a moon followers, people are interested in

598
00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:53,160
Speaker 1: your life. They genuinely are. They want to know what's up,

599
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:54,561
Speaker 1: they want to know what's happened. They want the goss,

600
00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:57,121
Speaker 1: they want the tea, they want the story because they're connected.

601
00:26:57,400 --> 00:26:59,960
Speaker 1: It's like when people watch reality shows. You don't know

602
00:27:00,001 --> 00:27:01,720
Speaker 1: that person from a bar of so many, you're addicted

603
00:27:01,761 --> 00:27:06,761
Speaker 1: to watching their lives. It's quite a similar Yeah, yeah, same, same,

604
00:27:06,120 --> 00:27:10,641
Speaker 1: But anyways, thank you guys for joining us. We hope

605
00:27:10,681 --> 00:27:13,161
Speaker 1: you loved this episode and we'll see you next week.

606
00:27:13,441 --> 00:27:15,321
Speaker 1: Up the next episode next week. What day are we?

607
00:27:15,360 --> 00:27:18,880
Speaker 1: I don't know? Wednesday? Are we Friday? Bye guys,