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Speaker 1: Apogee Production I easier advice. Are you okay what happened?

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Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much bring it in.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to our Bestie segment. Girls, girl, this is the

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Speaker 2: place for you. Welcome back to another bestI episode. We

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Speaker 2: have a very big submission for you today, very interesting story. Now.

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Speaker 2: Best the Advice is where you can bring in your stories,

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Speaker 2: any hard, sticky situations that you're going through or anything

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Speaker 2: that you feel like you just have no one to

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Speaker 2: turn to when it comes to the challenges in your life.

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Speaker 2: So this is where you can bring it into us

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Speaker 2: and we will give you our most honest bestie advice.

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Speaker 1: It's every Tuesday and Friday, So if you love these

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Speaker 1: type of episodes, we're in your ears twice a week

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Speaker 1: with this.

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Speaker 2: We asked, all right, have you got for us?

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Speaker 1: Okay? Hi, girls. I've been a long term follow of

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Speaker 1: Ashley and came across Tiana when she Rises started. I'm

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Speaker 1: married and we have a child together. A little background.

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Speaker 1: I come from a very big, loving, but toxic family.

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Speaker 1: I'm one of seven siblings and I'm the youngest. My

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Speaker 1: dad passed away when I was very young, but he

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Speaker 1: wasn't the best dad and I don't remember much, but

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Speaker 1: my siblings were deeply affected by him and our parents' relationships.

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Speaker 1: Growing up. I feel like my childhood was robbed by

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Speaker 1: my siblings. I was shown a lot of love and

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Speaker 1: attention from everyone, but I was restricted from almost everything.

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Speaker 1: I wasn't trusted. I wasn't allowed to go out. I

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Speaker 1: wasn't allowed to talk to boys, have a phone, use

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Speaker 1: social media, or go anywhere. Once I finished school, I

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Speaker 1: started to get a little more freedom. I got my

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Speaker 1: first phone in year twelve and was allowed social media,

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Speaker 1: but I had to share my passwords with my siblings.

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Speaker 1: I did something reckless as a teenager and ran away

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Speaker 1: from home, but I returned because I had nowhere else

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Speaker 1: to go. During puberty, my friends became my lifeline, and

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Speaker 1: I shared with them everything that was happening at home.

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Speaker 1: When I was nineteen, I met my husband. I fell

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Speaker 1: for him and dated him secretly for many years. I

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Speaker 1: eventually confide in one of my siblings, who was very supportive,

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Speaker 1: and eventually our families met. We got engaged, married a

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Speaker 1: few years later, and now we have a child together.

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Speaker 1: Now I've realized that because I wasn't given freedom or

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Speaker 1: even the opportunity to understand what freedom meant. I chose

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Speaker 1: the wrong person to marry. My husband is a great

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Speaker 1: human being, but he's not what I envisioned for myself.

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Speaker 1: I'm financially dependent on him as I've resigned from a

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Speaker 1: toxic workplace. He gives me money and spoils me, but

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Speaker 1: I still have to ask money for basic things like

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Speaker 1: buying our child or toy food, or even simple lipstick

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Speaker 1: for myself. Who won't just randomly give me money. He's

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Speaker 1: very smart with money, and I know he has a lot,

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Speaker 1: but I don't have access to any of it. I

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Speaker 1: have my own account and he has his own. He

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Speaker 1: knows what's in mind because I've happily shared it, but

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Speaker 1: he never shares his with me. He's very private, and

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Speaker 1: I know he's not cheating, but he's just not the

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Speaker 1: person I'm being with. He also doesn't teach our child

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Speaker 1: basic things that parents usually teach. Day by day, I'm

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Speaker 1: realizing that I made a huge mistake and that I

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Speaker 1: settled for less, lowering my own standards. All my siblings

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Speaker 1: have kids of their own, and their children are allowed

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Speaker 1: to go anywhere, have what they want, and their parents

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Speaker 1: encourage them to find someone they love. I don't know

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Speaker 1: what I really want out of this, but I don't

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Speaker 1: want to leave my husband. My family would never accept

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Speaker 1: a divorce. I have no financial independence, I have chronic

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Speaker 1: health issues, and I want my son to have the

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Speaker 1: life he has now because I know I won't be

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Speaker 1: able to survive without any support. My husband thinks I'm

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Speaker 1: happy because I fake it and I show that I'm

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Speaker 1: the happiest person because of our child. A home environment

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Speaker 1: is stable, but I'm stuck in anger, hatred, and jealousy

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Speaker 1: towards my family. I have a great relationship with them

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Speaker 1: now and my mum relies on me, but I still

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Speaker 1: feel a lot of anger towards them. Sorry, I've just

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Speaker 1: typed everything a little mixed up. But therapy won't be

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Speaker 1: an option for me because I'm literally surviving on my

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Speaker 1: husband's wage and there's no way i'll share all of

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Speaker 1: this with him. He doesn't meet my emotional needs and

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Speaker 1: will just give me a hug if I share with him.

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Speaker 1: How else can I get through this and not feel

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Speaker 1: like the hater or anything towards my own siblings and

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Speaker 1: the kids. Thank you so much for reading this.

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Speaker 2: Oh I'm so sorry going through this. This is such

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Speaker 2: a tough thing to be. Sitting within those thoughts and

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Speaker 2: feelings and emotions with everything that you're carrying and holding

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Speaker 2: can feel so scary yecause it's a lot consuming, it's

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Speaker 2: so consuming. The first thing that comes to my head

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Speaker 2: is what I can hear is that you lack freedom.

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Speaker 2: And the way that you can get freedom and immediately

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Speaker 2: give yourself a sense of relief is to do something

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Speaker 2: of your own and go get a job. Yeah, you know,

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Speaker 2: because when I think about you know the pressure and

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Speaker 2: the restriction that you would be feeling. It's I can't

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Speaker 2: ask for things, I can't spend my own money. I

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Speaker 2: don't want to spend his money, and I don't feel

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Speaker 2: like I'm doing anything for myself. And going out and

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Speaker 2: getting a job will give you a sense of independence

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Speaker 2: that maybe you don't feel right now. So I think

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Speaker 2: that's maybe the first stepping stone, at least in my

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Speaker 2: head that I think of that. I'm like, oh, that

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Speaker 2: would solve at least three of your problems right now.

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Speaker 1: I want if she's a stay at home mum, and

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Speaker 1: traditionally that's what he wants, and he's got a bit

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Speaker 1: of control over that. Like I'm the working parent, you're

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Speaker 1: staying home with that kids so we don't have to

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Speaker 1: send them to daycare.

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Speaker 2: But then she said that she was also in a

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Speaker 2: job before, but she left a toxic work environment. So

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Speaker 2: it was like the workspace wasn't good. So she had

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Speaker 2: a job and she was seriously doing something, Yeah, but

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Speaker 2: it just wasn't the right space.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, that's true. So maybe, yeah, that's a really good advice,

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Speaker 1: you know, to get a new job.

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Speaker 2: And I wonder if maybe you feel a little bit

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Speaker 2: scared to go get a new job because you feel

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Speaker 2: a bit tainted from the last one that you're like,

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Speaker 2: I don't want to go back into another toxic work environment.

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Speaker 2: But they're not all like that, I know. And it's

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Speaker 2: also going to give you a sense of what's the word,

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Speaker 2: like a sense of life and community outside of family,

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Speaker 2: you know, like you kind of don't have much outside

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Speaker 2: of family or like the one to two people that

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Speaker 2: you see. It's like sometimes you need more conversations, different conversations.

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Speaker 2: Maybe you need emotional connection with coworkers, with other women,

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Speaker 2: like maybe you can get those needs met from other people.

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Speaker 2: So I really think and obviously this is you know,

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Speaker 2: a conversation you have to have with yourself. But I

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Speaker 2: think that would solve at least three of your problems

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Speaker 2: right now.

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Speaker 1: I think so too. Yeah, and there definitely is a

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Speaker 1: lot of things that you want to change, and unfortunately,

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Speaker 1: no matter what advice we give you, like, you have

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Speaker 1: to want to change the things in your life otherwise

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Speaker 1: you're going to be sitting here for the next five

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Speaker 1: years feeling exactly how you're feeling. I too, would also

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Speaker 1: just be getting to know myself on a deeper level.

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Speaker 1: I'll be listening to podcasts, going and exercise and getting

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Speaker 1: a fresh air, like really grounding myself and just taking

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Speaker 1: care of me as well, because it sounds like you

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Speaker 1: just don't do anything for yourself. It's all revolved around

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Speaker 1: your child and your husband and your mom and your family,

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Speaker 1: which is beautiful, but you're really putting yourself last and

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Speaker 1: which makes you just feel stuck. And it's the opposite

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Speaker 1: of freedom because you feel like you're in a prison

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Speaker 1: cell to everyone else's needs except for your own.

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Speaker 2: That's a good one.

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Speaker 1: It's not selfish to take care of yourself. I think

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Speaker 1: it's really important that you do. I think getting a

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Speaker 1: job and you're doing something fun for yourself outside of

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Speaker 1: everything would be really really helpful.

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Speaker 2: And I think you know, when we build a certain

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Speaker 2: level of resentment, it usually like and it sounds like

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Speaker 2: you're kind of doing this at the moment. Is like

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Speaker 2: we build resentment when we're not speaking up about things.

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Speaker 2: You know, we're not being who we want to be,

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Speaker 2: We're not acting how we want to act, we're not

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Speaker 2: saying things, we're not standing by the things that are.

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Speaker 1: Imputtn to us.

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Speaker 2: So it might be worth noting what specifically you're angry

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Speaker 2: and resentful about and then like writing those things down,

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Speaker 2: getting really clear on them. Okay, do I need to

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Speaker 2: have a conversation here? Is this something I feel safe

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Speaker 2: to have a conversation around, or like, where am I

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Speaker 2: myself contributing to me feeling resentful?

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Speaker 1: You know what I mean?

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Speaker 2: Am I getting mad at him because I'm not speaking up?

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Speaker 2: You're getting mad at him because you don't have a job,

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Speaker 2: and right now you feel like you're freedom being taken

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Speaker 2: away when you know, maybe he's actually supportive and he's

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Speaker 2: like no, no, no, like I've got you. Don't worry.

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Speaker 2: You know that obviously is dependent on your situation, of course,

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Speaker 2: but I think one thing at a time, Yeah, And

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Speaker 2: how do you know that you've chosen the wrong man?

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Speaker 2: This will be really cool for you. The more that

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Speaker 2: you pour into yourself, like what Ashually was saying, the

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Speaker 2: more that you invest in yourself and make it a

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Speaker 2: priority to put yourself first, get to know yourself, get

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Speaker 2: clear on what it is that you want, you can

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Speaker 2: then go Okay, maybe was me not feeling good in

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Speaker 2: myself contributing to how I was feeling in the relationship,

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Speaker 2: or do I genuinely just know maybe I made not

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Speaker 2: the best decision here and I made it erradically.

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Speaker 1: There definitely is options and choice as well. Like I've

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Speaker 1: had so many friends that have broken up their families

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Speaker 1: because they weren't happy, and they too were financially dependent.

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Speaker 1: But I'm not sure where you live, but there is

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Speaker 1: like single parents funding and it was your child support.

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Speaker 1: And i haven't been in that situation, but I've watched

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Speaker 1: friends go through, and there is ways to get support

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Speaker 1: to get through, and of course then if you had

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Speaker 1: a job as well, you would have more finances there.

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Speaker 1: I'm also curious because you sit in there that you

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Speaker 1: wouldn't share any of this with your husband. I'm really

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Speaker 1: curious why, because if he spoils you, and he's still

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Speaker 1: generous of there's money. Doesn't sound like a tight ass.

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Speaker 1: If you were to express that you wanted more freedom

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Speaker 1: to do more things or to have more money, what

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Speaker 1: would that conversation look like, And how would you approach that?

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Speaker 1: And I wonder why you're not approaching that. And I

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Speaker 1: wonder if you came from a place of two just

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Speaker 1: feeling so separate and not a team and he knows

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Speaker 1: everything about your bank account but not vice versa, how

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Speaker 1: it doesn't feel like a team and feel fair and

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Speaker 1: you want to feel that fairness. That's a good question ask, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I would want. I just there's no conversations at all

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Speaker 1: that you're having with him, And for me, that's a

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Speaker 1: huge thing that doesn't feel good for me in any

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Speaker 1: relationship because it's all based on communication. You're not going

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Speaker 1: to solve any of these problems if you don't at

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Speaker 1: least be brave enough to have the conversation with him

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Speaker 1: and how he responds and reacts. I think we'll also

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Speaker 1: give you more clarity on if you're in the right

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Speaker 1: relationship or not. But I don't think like settle on

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Speaker 1: the story that you can't leave, you have no support.

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Speaker 1: You've got n no finances right now. That might be

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Speaker 1: how you feel, but you have options to change. And

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Speaker 1: I only say that I've seen so many women go

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Speaker 1: through it. We go through this all the time where

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Speaker 1: they've got three kids, you know, they've got four kids,

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Speaker 1: and they have to go on their own and figure

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Speaker 1: out a way. And I truly believe you could. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: you definitely can if that's the path you want to

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Speaker 1: go down. And even saying your family won't accept a divorce,

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Speaker 1: like judgment's hard and you know, sometimes family relationships and

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Speaker 1: dynamics don't work out, but you have to take care

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Speaker 1: of you. I just don't want you getting to eighty

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Speaker 1: and be like, oh my gosh, I lived my life

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Speaker 1: to keep my family happy and I've been miserable my

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Speaker 1: whole life. Yeah, you put in a brave, happy face

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Speaker 1: for your husband and your kid, but I'm telling you

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Speaker 1: right now, your kid is smarter than that. They will

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Speaker 1: feel it. They feel when mummy's not okay, They feel that,

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Speaker 1: they see it. Even your relationship with your husband, he's

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Speaker 1: going to grow it. Your son's going to grow up

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Speaker 1: watching you guys and thinking that's normal. That's how he's

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Speaker 1: going to then treat his partner. I'm sure you would

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Speaker 1: want more for him as well and for him to

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Speaker 1: be happy. If you had a daughter or your son

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Speaker 1: and they weren't happy in a relationship, what if I

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Speaker 1: would you be giving them? Would you be telling them

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Speaker 1: to stay and just put up with it, put on

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Speaker 1: a brave, happy face, just continue on being so miserable.

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Speaker 2: Just fake it.

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Speaker 1: No way, you would not give your children that advice,

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Speaker 1: So like give yourself that same love and respect it

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Speaker 1: and advice that you would give someone else, honor what

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Speaker 1: you want. But also I think there is some changes

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Speaker 1: you can make straight away. Have a conversation with your husband,

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Speaker 1: see what's out in the workforce. Put yourself in Facebook

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Speaker 1: communities with other mums, Go and try a new class,

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Speaker 1: start journaling, start exercise and get out and fresh air,

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Speaker 1: doing things that just fill your cut back up. Just

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Speaker 1: to take little steps so you feel like you're making progress.

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Speaker 1: You don't have to walk up the whole staircase. Just

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Speaker 1: take one step, one thing at a time, and I

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Speaker 1: think it will really help you get on the path

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Speaker 1: where you want to go.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely, we really hope that helps. We're sending you so

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Speaker 1: much love when you're having all those thoughts and you

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Speaker 1: feel so stark and you feel like there's no other

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Speaker 1: option out. It just makes you feel dead inside and

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Speaker 1: it doesn't make you look forward to your days. You

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Speaker 1: just feel down all the time and conspiral really fast.

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Speaker 1: But you also have so much power to turn things around.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I truly believe you do. And we've seen so many women.

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Speaker 1: I've worked with women, you know for over fifteen years.

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Speaker 1: You've worked with women for every coachman. This is what

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Speaker 1: you do for a living, you know. We hear the

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Speaker 1: stories all the time. Everyone's got there things going on,

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Speaker 1: but there is always options exctly brave enough, but start

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Speaker 1: with the conversation. Yeah, yeah, agreed. All righty well, thanks

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Speaker 1: for tuning in and we'll see you in our next episode.

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Speaker 1: Bye bye,