WEBVTT - The ChrissieCast: Music Maker Kate DeAraugo 0:00:07.880 --> 0:00:11.400 Welcome to the Christy Cast. Let's see what the wheel 0:00:11.520 --> 0:00:18.000 is going to give us today, Christy casters, Aha, music 0:00:18.040 --> 0:00:21.959 makers heaven. Well, here is an Ozzy music makeup with 0:00:22.000 --> 0:00:24.280 a real story for you. We first got to know 0:00:24.440 --> 0:00:26.480 Kate Derouge in two thousand and five. One over two 0:00:26.520 --> 0:00:30.520 million of us tuned in to watch her win Australian Idol. 0:00:30.720 --> 0:00:33.240 Remember when everyone watched the same television shows? I miss 0:00:33.280 --> 0:00:37.440 those days. Almost immediately, Kate began to spiral into addiction, 0:00:37.560 --> 0:00:40.839 starting with recreational cocaine use and ending with a guilty 0:00:40.880 --> 0:00:45.040 plea for drug possession, drug driving, weapons offenses. But I 0:00:45.159 --> 0:00:47.120 just always liked her, and I knew that if we 0:00:47.159 --> 0:00:49.839 ever met, she would like me too. So I'm thrilled 0:00:50.040 --> 0:00:52.320 to welcome to the Christy Caster as straight talking and 0:00:52.520 --> 0:00:55.760 very pregnant Kate Derouge. I am so thrilled to meet you. 0:00:56.080 --> 0:00:58.320 I am quite pregnant, but I always knew i'd like 0:00:58.360 --> 0:00:58.600 you too. 0:00:58.720 --> 0:01:03.800 Do you know that sometimes you just know always had 0:01:03.800 --> 0:01:04.200 a vibe. 0:01:04.240 --> 0:01:06.840 Chrisy Swan, thank you for having me. I'm so excited 0:01:06.840 --> 0:01:07.480 to have a chat. 0:01:07.600 --> 0:01:12.840 I'm really excited to talk about your I hate the 0:01:12.880 --> 0:01:16.640 word journey, but if I'm going to use it about anybody. 0:01:16.720 --> 0:01:19.360 An Australian Idol contestants like to say adventure. 0:01:19.400 --> 0:01:20.319 We call it an adventure. 0:01:20.440 --> 0:01:23.640 That's what I call it too. Sometimes that's the only 0:01:23.680 --> 0:01:26.040 thing that gets me through the day, is my mantra 0:01:26.120 --> 0:01:29.120 of every day a new adventure and you've just got 0:01:29.120 --> 0:01:33.160 to steal yourself and keep going. Let's spin the wheel 0:01:33.240 --> 0:01:38.240 again to see what we're going to talk about. First. Oh, 0:01:38.400 --> 0:01:41.479 this is a first the story that lives rent free 0:01:41.840 --> 0:01:43.759 in your head, Kate Derouge, What is it? 0:01:44.280 --> 0:01:46.640 Well, I mean, I've heard this story a few times 0:01:46.720 --> 0:01:48.400 over the years in the news, but I heard one 0:01:48.480 --> 0:01:51.600 first hand recently. It was about a girl who had 0:01:51.640 --> 0:01:54.680 stomach cramps, went to the hospital and had a baby 0:01:54.720 --> 0:01:57.240 and never knew didn't know they were pregnant. And I cannot, 0:01:57.280 --> 0:01:59.960 for the life of me, makes sense. Like, I'm heavy 0:02:00.240 --> 0:02:02.800 pregnant at the moment, and I know I'm pregnant. There 0:02:02.840 --> 0:02:05.280 is some things going on inside of me that you 0:02:05.320 --> 0:02:08.000 can't deny them or not know that they're there, And 0:02:08.040 --> 0:02:10.360 I just don't understand how people do that. How do 0:02:10.440 --> 0:02:11.960 you not know that you're pregnant. 0:02:12.040 --> 0:02:14.079 I just think this is so interesting because that is 0:02:14.200 --> 0:02:21.359 also an element of life that I have never ever understood. 0:02:21.520 --> 0:02:23.600 I've done fine topics on radio about it. So I 0:02:23.600 --> 0:02:25.080 can tell you hit. 0:02:24.919 --> 0:02:26.600 Me because give me some information. 0:02:28.200 --> 0:02:34.919 I know someone personally. Her name is Amanda. Like I'm 0:02:34.960 --> 0:02:40.520 giving you receipts here, Kate Derush. She is a curtain maker. 0:02:41.080 --> 0:02:44.000 She's like my official curtain maker. If ever I needs 0:02:44.040 --> 0:02:48.200 a window covering, I call Amanda. Anyway, I called her 0:02:48.320 --> 0:02:51.200 because I needed a curtain about a year ago. I 0:02:51.280 --> 0:02:53.280 know her as having a thirteen year old and an 0:02:53.320 --> 0:02:58.200 eleven year old. End of she turns up with a baby. No, 0:02:58.360 --> 0:03:01.200 and I'm like, I don't know you were pregnant. She goes, 0:03:01.240 --> 0:03:04.640 either did? I I said, what? So? Can you imagine 0:03:04.639 --> 0:03:07.840 how exciting it is when you have questions and there 0:03:07.880 --> 0:03:09.840 is someone in front of you that can answer them 0:03:10.040 --> 0:03:12.400 from a first hand I just don't know how, okay, 0:03:12.480 --> 0:03:14.880 So I just asked all the questions that you probably 0:03:14.919 --> 0:03:17.960 would love to I said, how did this happen? Because also, 0:03:19.400 --> 0:03:24.040 if you have already been pregnant, you know you know? Yeah? 0:03:24.160 --> 0:03:24.280 No. 0:03:24.520 --> 0:03:27.760 This was her third pregnancy and she had no idea 0:03:28.680 --> 0:03:32.840 she had she was feeling sick. She went to the 0:03:32.880 --> 0:03:38.960 hospital and she wasn't showing anything. She thought, to be honest, 0:03:39.240 --> 0:03:41.480 when you get to a certain age, you think you're dying, right, 0:03:41.800 --> 0:03:44.240 You're like, this is it? I got three to six. 0:03:45.840 --> 0:03:48.080 So she put off going to the doctor, put off 0:03:48.080 --> 0:03:50.480 going to the hospital. Turned up at the hospital. She's like, 0:03:50.560 --> 0:03:54.680 I just feel really sick. I'm so sick. They scan, scan, scan, 0:03:55.440 --> 0:04:03.560 they find in her body and eight month, thirty four 0:04:03.680 --> 0:04:05.840 week baby. 0:04:06.040 --> 0:04:09.000 So I have some I've got some question, yeah about that? 0:04:09.320 --> 0:04:11.640 Like I've got a foot firmly planted in my blooder 0:04:11.640 --> 0:04:14.480 currently as we speak, yes, constantly. And I watched a 0:04:14.480 --> 0:04:16.200 foot drag across my stomach this morning. 0:04:16.279 --> 0:04:21.640 Yes, where does how? And even if you don't see it, 0:04:21.680 --> 0:04:24.279 I used to love watching my belly move. Was amazing. 0:04:25.080 --> 0:04:27.560 Even if you can't see it, you can feel that 0:04:27.720 --> 0:04:34.680 funny little motion. No, And it's because all bodies are different, 0:04:34.839 --> 0:04:37.680 and all babies are different, and you just don't know 0:04:37.720 --> 0:04:40.640 what you're going to get. So this woman had finished 0:04:40.680 --> 0:04:44.640 her family. They didn't have a single thing at home. 0:04:44.960 --> 0:04:48.279 They were not having a baby. She had three weeks, 0:04:49.920 --> 0:04:55.680 oh God, to remember and get her head right to 0:04:55.800 --> 0:04:58.840 welcome a brand new baby. I can't imagine it, I know, 0:04:59.560 --> 0:05:01.240 can I tell you the story that lisarete free in 0:05:01.240 --> 0:05:03.360 my head, please do And I think about it all 0:05:03.360 --> 0:05:07.760 the time. So I think it was about twenty years ago. 0:05:07.880 --> 0:05:09.599 I did know the date, but I've forgotten, you know, 0:05:09.600 --> 0:05:11.719 It's made way in the hard drive for other important 0:05:11.720 --> 0:05:15.200 things like how to make a lemon grass beef. A 0:05:15.320 --> 0:05:20.280 woman in America was seeing a guy. She was a 0:05:20.360 --> 0:05:26.680 NASA astronaut, okay, and so implied by that is that she's, 0:05:26.839 --> 0:05:27.880 you know, a functioning adult. 0:05:27.960 --> 0:05:29.800 She's a smart intelligendent. 0:05:30.000 --> 0:05:35.760 Yeah, she got obsessed with this man and his new girlfriend. 0:05:36.600 --> 0:05:43.239 She drove through the night across America to confront this woman, 0:05:43.400 --> 0:05:45.480 and she was so hell bent. This is the element 0:05:45.520 --> 0:05:48.680 I can't stop thinking about. When she was finally intercepted, 0:05:50.400 --> 0:05:58.600 she was wearing an happy because she was so focused 0:05:59.000 --> 0:06:04.320 on getting She was so focused on. 0:06:06.279 --> 0:06:07.800 I'm just getting a real visual on that. 0:06:08.000 --> 0:06:11.200 Sorry. She's so focused on getting to where she had 0:06:11.360 --> 0:06:15.680 to go to do something diabolical, no doubt, But that's 0:06:15.680 --> 0:06:19.839 by the bike. It's nothing important. She had the presence 0:06:19.839 --> 0:06:23.880 of mind before she pulled out of her driveway to 0:06:23.920 --> 0:06:26.040 pop on a nappy. To pop on a nappy, because 0:06:26.360 --> 0:06:30.320 lord knows, you can't stop for the toilet, and I 0:06:30.560 --> 0:06:34.760 have never forgotten it. It pops into my head at 0:06:34.839 --> 0:06:36.320 least once a week. 0:06:38.320 --> 0:06:40.520 To say that, okay, love all right? 0:06:41.360 --> 0:06:44.480 Wow. I mean I get that too, because my brain 0:06:44.640 --> 0:06:49.919 is such that if I think of any diversion from 0:06:49.960 --> 0:06:54.080 the task at hand, I'm gone. That doesn't get done. 0:06:54.600 --> 0:06:56.960 Oh look, shiny thing. So I get it. Maybe that's 0:06:57.040 --> 0:06:59.440 why he lives in my head. 0:06:59.520 --> 0:07:02.520 That's a story. Good for you, dar is. 0:07:02.480 --> 0:07:04.600 That now you're going to think about Stuffy. 0:07:04.920 --> 0:07:07.599 That's with me forever. So so, lady in the thank you. 0:07:07.520 --> 0:07:11.200 I've got to write a note to send you links 0:07:11.240 --> 0:07:14.559 I've got to people that have had babies and didn't 0:07:14.560 --> 0:07:17.000 know please do. I love that we share that obsession. 0:07:17.400 --> 0:07:20.280 And also the link to the story about the woman 0:07:20.680 --> 0:07:21.720 driving cross country and. 0:07:22.200 --> 0:07:25.320 She's not wrong, I don't. She wasn't that silly. 0:07:25.400 --> 0:07:27.880 There's because it is annoying when you've got to stop 0:07:28.000 --> 0:07:30.360 to do it three times on the way here. Absolutely, 0:07:30.440 --> 0:07:35.640 and you've got a small child already, you've got to 0:07:35.680 --> 0:07:38.920 stop down all the time. I mean, the snack hunting 0:07:38.960 --> 0:07:43.200 and providing alone is a lot, it really is. 0:07:43.520 --> 0:07:44.239 That's true. 0:07:44.560 --> 0:07:47.360 I want to talk about addiction because it's a very 0:07:48.240 --> 0:07:53.760 It's a super fascinating topic, and you've been really open 0:07:53.800 --> 0:07:56.960 about it, which I think is excellent because the less 0:07:57.000 --> 0:08:02.360 shame there is about human being doing human being things, 0:08:03.160 --> 0:08:07.360 the better people that have not been on freeware television 0:08:07.360 --> 0:08:09.120 in the early two thousands. 0:08:09.120 --> 0:08:09.680 Was a time. 0:08:09.760 --> 0:08:14.240 Yeah, I mean they couldn't they can't grasp I'm going 0:08:14.320 --> 0:08:19.200 to use the word catastrophic, the catastrophic effect that that 0:08:19.560 --> 0:08:24.640 has on a normal person anybody. I think, yes, And 0:08:24.760 --> 0:08:29.360 that happened to you, what was happening in your head 0:08:29.640 --> 0:08:33.000 and in your life that at that time you went, 0:08:33.920 --> 0:08:35.920 I need to escape over here. 0:08:36.640 --> 0:08:40.600 So escaping didn't start for me then in the idle world, 0:08:40.640 --> 0:08:42.920 I'd already been trying to escape who I was, what 0:08:43.040 --> 0:08:46.040 I was, what I felt, and why. You know what 0:08:46.120 --> 0:08:49.720 it's it's the million dollar question. And I often say, 0:08:49.760 --> 0:08:52.679 like on paper, as a child, I don't have anything 0:08:52.720 --> 0:08:54.720 in my history that suggests like I didn't grow up 0:08:54.760 --> 0:08:56.840 in an abusive home. Both of my parents are together, 0:08:56.840 --> 0:08:59.120 they're full of love, all that kind of stuff. But 0:08:59.160 --> 0:09:01.800 for whatever reason, and from a young age, I just 0:09:01.840 --> 0:09:04.679 always had this sense of like impending doom in my 0:09:04.760 --> 0:09:09.600 life and just fear and anxiety and this strange, knowing 0:09:09.760 --> 0:09:12.000 that I felt like I needed to be something different 0:09:12.000 --> 0:09:13.679 and something other than I was to be okay in 0:09:13.720 --> 0:09:15.400 the world. And I don't know where that came from. 0:09:16.040 --> 0:09:18.440 I've never been able to answer that question, but it's 0:09:18.480 --> 0:09:19.640 a feeling that has been with me. 0:09:19.880 --> 0:09:23.360 Do you think you were born with it? I mean, like, yeah, 0:09:23.360 --> 0:09:25.320 that's the biggest lesson that I've had from having kids. 0:09:25.320 --> 0:09:26.920 I feel like a lot of the stuff that we 0:09:27.480 --> 0:09:32.000 have and have to deal with is like in the software, 0:09:32.080 --> 0:09:32.800 in the hardware. 0:09:32.880 --> 0:09:34.800 I mean, for me, yes, I think addiction is a 0:09:34.800 --> 0:09:36.400 part of me. I think I was born with it. 0:09:36.480 --> 0:09:38.920 My brain is wired slightly different, and I just deal 0:09:38.960 --> 0:09:43.319 with life a bit differently to in normal everyday person. 0:09:43.360 --> 0:09:46.240 And I think, just listening to you now, the messages 0:09:46.240 --> 0:09:50.839 from society are really influential, and I'm thinking of little 0:09:50.920 --> 0:09:55.280 Kate going. I feel weird, I feel doom, I feel 0:09:55.280 --> 0:09:57.760 all of this stuff, but society is telling me that 0:09:58.960 --> 0:10:02.280 I shouldn't. I come from a great background, everything's good. 0:10:02.480 --> 0:10:04.240 The conclusion is that there's something wrong with me. 0:10:05.120 --> 0:10:07.480 Well, yes, yes, so there is that, Like there's no 0:10:07.760 --> 0:10:12.000 you know, that stereotypical thing that you think would happen 0:10:12.080 --> 0:10:14.280 to a small child or a kid growing up that 0:10:14.280 --> 0:10:17.040 would lead them down the past that I didn't. However, 0:10:17.640 --> 0:10:20.760 society also helped confirm all that messaging for me that 0:10:20.840 --> 0:10:22.760 I wasn't enough and that I wasn't good enough. And 0:10:22.840 --> 0:10:26.360 so along my journey of this beautiful word again, along 0:10:26.440 --> 0:10:30.840 my travels of growing up, there were lots of moments 0:10:30.920 --> 0:10:33.200 along the way that helped confirm that narrative for me, 0:10:33.240 --> 0:10:35.840 and it just embedded it, you know, into my life 0:10:35.880 --> 0:10:39.480 and into my core belief system, I guess if you 0:10:39.520 --> 0:10:41.040 want to call it that. So you know, growing up, 0:10:41.080 --> 0:10:43.160 I was bullied pretty hard at school. You know, I 0:10:43.200 --> 0:10:44.959 just wanted to be one of those popular girls. I'm 0:10:44.960 --> 0:10:47.320 sure you remember them. I've told this story a few times. 0:10:47.320 --> 0:10:50.880 The importance of three grade three birthday parties was pretty big, 0:10:51.040 --> 0:10:53.840 Like they were a big deal for grade three. And 0:10:53.880 --> 0:10:55.800 I always just thought if I invited these girls that 0:10:55.880 --> 0:10:58.880 I'd be cool because they'd be at my party. Yeah, 0:10:58.960 --> 0:11:01.400 they came in after res I'd handed them out my 0:11:01.559 --> 0:11:03.520 invitations and they just ripped them up and put them 0:11:03.520 --> 0:11:08.160 in the bin. So oh, like heart, die on the floor, 0:11:08.480 --> 0:11:11.960 open up, swallow me, take me away. Yes, And there 0:11:12.000 --> 0:11:14.360 was just lots of little moments like that along the way. 0:11:14.640 --> 0:11:16.520 I guess, you know, I remember the first time someone 0:11:16.520 --> 0:11:19.120 commented on my body. It's no secret that my body's 0:11:19.160 --> 0:11:25.000 been a fairly public discussion for many, many years now. Yeah, oh, I. 0:11:24.920 --> 0:11:27.160 Remember that too, and you just want to disappear. Yeah, 0:11:27.320 --> 0:11:29.040 just like, oh cu't this is awful. 0:11:29.080 --> 0:11:32.160 It's my body. And actually what I'm doing has nothing 0:11:32.200 --> 0:11:33.960 to do with the size of my ass in a 0:11:33.960 --> 0:11:34.560 pair of jeans. 0:11:34.600 --> 0:11:36.280 Oh my god, that's my quiet. 0:11:36.360 --> 0:11:39.360 Actually, it's got nothing to do with that. I'm a singer, 0:11:39.400 --> 0:11:40.080 I'm not a model. 0:11:40.160 --> 0:11:42.439 It's got nothing to do with it, zero. And it's 0:11:42.440 --> 0:11:44.240 got nothing to do with who I am inside. It 0:11:44.320 --> 0:11:46.040 always felt like that, but. 0:11:46.160 --> 0:11:49.040 Especially I guess in those early two thousands on that 0:11:49.120 --> 0:11:52.360 you know, public level like heroin Chic was the vibe. Yeah, 0:11:52.400 --> 0:11:55.520 that was what we as a society considered to be beautiful. Yes, 0:11:55.559 --> 0:11:58.360 and so that's what I believed that I needed to 0:11:58.360 --> 0:12:01.280 be to be loved and acceptable. And I stepped into 0:12:01.280 --> 0:12:04.600 a world where that was, you know, hammered down on 0:12:04.720 --> 0:12:05.280 me a lot. 0:12:05.760 --> 0:12:06.200 Yeah. 0:12:06.760 --> 0:12:11.160 Yeah. 0:12:11.440 --> 0:12:18.080 Tell us about how your reliance on getting your good 0:12:18.080 --> 0:12:23.240 feelings from an outside source spiraled out of control in a. 0:12:23.280 --> 0:12:25.600 Food was actually the first thing that soothed me as 0:12:25.640 --> 0:12:29.960 a young girl, and that I guess as I got 0:12:30.120 --> 0:12:31.720 at the age of five, I was already doing that. 0:12:31.760 --> 0:12:33.440 You know, I was eating food in secret. I was 0:12:33.480 --> 0:12:35.840 doing it in a weird, shameful, strange way, but it 0:12:35.920 --> 0:12:39.320 was my way of regulating, I guess. And it grew 0:12:39.360 --> 0:12:42.359 and it grew, you know, it then turned into relationships 0:12:42.360 --> 0:12:45.679 and boys and money and spending and buying and all 0:12:45.720 --> 0:12:49.199 of these things that I guess aren't life threatening and 0:12:49.240 --> 0:12:51.959 earth shattering, so no one really notices them as they grow. 0:12:53.440 --> 0:12:56.120 And with those behaviors, my morals and values started to 0:12:56.120 --> 0:12:58.680 go a little bit skew if and then I met drugs. 0:12:59.160 --> 0:13:01.079 When I met drugs when I was nineteen, straight out 0:13:01.120 --> 0:13:06.640 of idle, and they became my solution real quick. And 0:13:07.400 --> 0:13:10.560 that why because they gave me all the things initially, 0:13:10.679 --> 0:13:13.800 which is the problem with drugs, right like I should 0:13:13.800 --> 0:13:15.520 I'm not going I'm not saying go out and do drugs, 0:13:15.559 --> 0:13:19.040 but you know, people don't do them because they feel 0:13:19.080 --> 0:13:21.600 like shit to start with. You know, they don't want 0:13:21.679 --> 0:13:24.040 no one's doing them because they're not giving somebody a 0:13:24.040 --> 0:13:27.000 good time. So they took my inhibitions away they took 0:13:27.000 --> 0:13:30.520 my insecurities away, they took my appetite away, which was 0:13:30.559 --> 0:13:33.640 a big one. Yeah, and then they I guess they 0:13:33.640 --> 0:13:36.720 made me feel cool and acceptable and popular and people 0:13:36.760 --> 0:13:37.360 wanted to be. 0:13:38.040 --> 0:13:39.360 It makes so much sense. 0:13:39.520 --> 0:13:41.000 It gave me all of the things that I've been 0:13:41.040 --> 0:13:44.320 searching for my whole, big, large nineteen years of living. Yeah, 0:13:44.640 --> 0:13:47.679 was there in one moment and it just solved all 0:13:47.720 --> 0:13:49.640 my issues until it didn't. 0:13:49.720 --> 0:13:54.800 Yeah, were you open about it or was that also 0:13:54.880 --> 0:13:58.960 a secret? Is everything that well, I'm eating everything a secret? 0:14:00.040 --> 0:14:02.640 Initially within the people that I was doing it with, 0:14:02.760 --> 0:14:04.920 it was, you know, you would have seen it over 0:14:04.920 --> 0:14:08.920 the years. That can be a lone of cocaine is like, here, 0:14:08.960 --> 0:14:10.360 have a beer, you have a line of cocaine. You 0:14:10.400 --> 0:14:12.240 know what I mean. In that time, it was such 0:14:12.240 --> 0:14:14.160 an acceptable thing. I didn't run home and tell my 0:14:14.200 --> 0:14:19.360 parents I'd just done cocaine, as yes, what I did? Hey, mom, 0:14:19.480 --> 0:14:23.720 found the answer solution, sus No, I didn't do that. 0:14:24.200 --> 0:14:26.440 But you know, within the people, I felt really cool 0:14:26.520 --> 0:14:28.360 and people wanted to be with me. And I guess 0:14:28.360 --> 0:14:29.920 I was in a position where I had a lot 0:14:29.920 --> 0:14:33.000 of money at the time, really quickly, and I was 0:14:33.080 --> 0:14:36.200 able to supply a lot of people with a lot 0:14:36.200 --> 0:14:37.720 of big nights out. 0:14:37.880 --> 0:14:42.480 Yeah, I've got a very addictive personality. Everything you've said 0:14:43.720 --> 0:14:44.560 resonates with me. 0:14:44.720 --> 0:14:46.480 But I'd get addicted to that window if I thought 0:14:46.520 --> 0:14:47.520 it'd give something to me. 0:14:48.000 --> 0:14:52.240 Correct And you know, I think I'm addicted to work. 0:14:52.320 --> 0:14:56.440 I think you know, I can't do anything like a 0:14:56.480 --> 0:15:00.440 normal person. I can't. If there's a pen I like, 0:15:00.640 --> 0:15:04.240 I need thirty of them. If his do you know 0:15:04.280 --> 0:15:06.280 what I mean? If I see a plate on sale 0:15:07.200 --> 0:15:08.880 and I like it and I think it's going to 0:15:08.920 --> 0:15:12.200 make my life better and it's the answer to everything, 0:15:13.120 --> 0:15:18.760 I will search for forty So I get that. I 0:15:19.720 --> 0:15:22.720 know you do, and I understand everything you're saying. By 0:15:23.240 --> 0:15:28.120 the grace of God, I have never touched drugs, and 0:15:28.160 --> 0:15:31.400 I think it's because I know that the minute I 0:15:31.440 --> 0:15:34.960 have it, my path is the same as yours, and 0:15:35.040 --> 0:15:36.360 I can't. 0:15:36.720 --> 0:15:38.640 We can't do it. Grateful for you to know that, 0:15:38.840 --> 0:15:39.960 having that knowing. 0:15:39.720 --> 0:15:42.680 Is it is a miracle to me. I know so. 0:15:43.120 --> 0:15:45.720 And cocaine is kind of cool. 0:15:46.240 --> 0:15:48.480 Sounds cool bit a cocaine and some champagne. Though, like 0:15:48.520 --> 0:15:51.400 I said, yeah, it's you know, it's a again I 0:15:51.400 --> 0:15:53.880 don't want to glorify it, but it's a it's a vibe. 0:15:53.880 --> 0:15:56.680 It sounds exciting, absolutely, and every time I hear, you know, 0:15:57.200 --> 0:15:59.240 people going, oh, you know, I just did a few 0:15:59.280 --> 0:16:01.720 lines of cocal whatever. I've had parties where people have 0:16:01.760 --> 0:16:07.720 done coke in my bathroom and by default, I'm like, wow, 0:16:07.760 --> 0:16:10.080 this is cocaine in my house. Do you know what 0:16:10.080 --> 0:16:12.520 I mean? Like, I still think it's kind of the 0:16:13.080 --> 0:16:16.640 benchmark of cool because it's expensive and blah blah blah. 0:16:16.680 --> 0:16:20.880 And you know, I've seen seventies movies where everyone's doing cocaine, 0:16:21.280 --> 0:16:24.640 So cocaine is cool. Yeah, there are some drugs that 0:16:24.920 --> 0:16:30.760 are not cool. No, yes, yes, how did that happen? So? 0:16:30.800 --> 0:16:33.400 Look, addiction is a progression. It's a progressive disease, and 0:16:33.480 --> 0:16:36.240 I do consider it to be a disease, and you know, 0:16:36.320 --> 0:16:39.360 there is no known cure, but it can be arrested 0:16:39.360 --> 0:16:42.760 and managed. And it was just the progression of the 0:16:42.800 --> 0:16:45.400 disease for me, you know, I would start with people 0:16:45.400 --> 0:16:47.520 that would use and look, from the first time, I 0:16:47.560 --> 0:16:49.920 didn't never understood people who could have two lines, go home, 0:16:49.960 --> 0:16:51.880 go to bed, get up, and go that. I still 0:16:51.880 --> 0:16:53.760 don't comprehend that people go, oh, yeah, I brought a 0:16:53.760 --> 0:16:56.000 bag and it lasted me four months. I was like, pardon, what, 0:16:57.880 --> 0:17:02.520 absolutely no sense to me, but I yeah, I guess 0:17:02.560 --> 0:17:06.159 it's it's a progressive disease. And as you know, the 0:17:06.240 --> 0:17:10.040 drugs stopped working, I would have heard, you know, the 0:17:10.040 --> 0:17:13.879 saying of chasing, chasing, and that became my life for 0:17:13.960 --> 0:17:16.520 my existence, and I had to chase new people to 0:17:16.680 --> 0:17:18.960 use with. That made me feel less shameful about the 0:17:18.960 --> 0:17:22.280 way I was behaving until I outgrew them, Until I 0:17:22.280 --> 0:17:24.359 outgrew them, and then I outgrew those set of drugs, 0:17:24.359 --> 0:17:25.760 and I'd move on to the next set of drugs, 0:17:25.800 --> 0:17:28.439 and the cycle would continue and continue, and by the 0:17:28.480 --> 0:17:31.679 time that I realized that I was in trouble, it 0:17:31.800 --> 0:17:34.040 was too It was that like the ship had sailed. 0:17:34.080 --> 0:17:36.560 It was it was too late. I was addicted, like 0:17:36.640 --> 0:17:40.760 on a physical, fundamental, emotional, on all the levels. 0:17:42.160 --> 0:17:46.480 And it's interesting there when you said, as your addiction progressed, 0:17:47.320 --> 0:17:53.800 you had to change your life to suit the next drug. Yeah, 0:17:53.920 --> 0:17:58.119 And as you went down the line in terms of 0:17:58.640 --> 0:18:03.400 I guess, cost and availability, the people that you had 0:18:03.400 --> 0:18:08.520 to have in your life to facilitate that were probably 0:18:08.560 --> 0:18:09.280 not your people. 0:18:10.480 --> 0:18:13.800 No, they're not the people that you would imagine, you know, 0:18:14.160 --> 0:18:17.760 that young girl from Australian idol with the blonde hair 0:18:17.800 --> 0:18:20.320 and the blue eyes and the world at defeat. She 0:18:20.359 --> 0:18:23.439 wasn't meant to be there. But the interesting thing to me, 0:18:23.560 --> 0:18:25.480 and look, there's exceptions to all rules. And I believe 0:18:25.520 --> 0:18:28.040 some people though maybe just born a bit shit and 0:18:28.040 --> 0:18:29.480 a bit bad. And I don't like to say that, 0:18:29.520 --> 0:18:32.600 but majority of people I met on that journey were 0:18:32.760 --> 0:18:36.400 just people like me who were hurting, running from something 0:18:36.600 --> 0:18:39.399 in pain. Yeah, you know what I mean. They were 0:18:39.480 --> 0:18:41.439 just I was just looking back at myself. But it 0:18:41.480 --> 0:18:44.000 was never spoken about because you're just on this mission 0:18:44.320 --> 0:18:44.959 to escape. 0:18:45.240 --> 0:18:48.320 You how sometimes when you're alone, and you particularly when 0:18:48.320 --> 0:18:52.200 you're because you're clear of addiction for six seven years, 0:18:52.240 --> 0:18:56.520 coming upside that, yeah, well done, far out? Do you 0:18:56.520 --> 0:18:58.400 get like thought bubbles in your head and you go, 0:18:59.119 --> 0:19:01.800 oh god, ware did they come from? And oh my god? 0:19:02.160 --> 0:19:06.800 I did that? Is there a situation that you were 0:19:06.840 --> 0:19:11.000 in that blows your mind that it had come to that? 0:19:11.800 --> 0:19:14.840 Well, that's I've never been asked it like that before. Yes, 0:19:15.080 --> 0:19:19.080 like that's there was a three year I was addicted 0:19:19.119 --> 0:19:21.400 to drugs. I was in active drug addiction, if I'm 0:19:21.400 --> 0:19:24.840 going to say about fourteen years, but the last three 0:19:24.920 --> 0:19:28.000 to four years were probably the most traumatic and the 0:19:28.040 --> 0:19:32.879 most impactful for my long term you know life. Yes, 0:19:33.720 --> 0:19:36.160 And I guess those last three four years, i'd become 0:19:36.200 --> 0:19:38.960 a monster. You know, I'm not proud to say that, 0:19:39.000 --> 0:19:41.560 but that's the reality of where addiction can take a 0:19:41.600 --> 0:19:45.760 person like I. I would steal from and I did 0:19:45.880 --> 0:19:48.000 you know, I'd steal from your grandma, I'd steal from 0:19:48.119 --> 0:19:50.919 anybody on the street. I crime was a part of 0:19:50.960 --> 0:19:54.159 my life. You know, my body became a weapon. You know, 0:19:54.200 --> 0:19:55.240 nothing was off limit. 0:19:55.320 --> 0:19:57.040 Extraordinary, Kate, isn't it? 0:19:57.040 --> 0:19:59.320 It's wild? And it's like this person sitting in this 0:19:59.359 --> 0:20:01.879 body right now, I could not steal a Fredo frog 0:20:01.880 --> 0:20:05.320 from the Servo, couldn't. Like, I just couldn't even fathom that. 0:20:06.840 --> 0:20:13.200 It becomes who you are. Actually, it's your most defining feature, 0:20:13.560 --> 0:20:14.400 is the addiction. 0:20:15.000 --> 0:20:18.320 Yeah, well, it's just nothing else mattered and the pain. 0:20:18.400 --> 0:20:21.639 And I guess it's really hard to explain this. And 0:20:21.920 --> 0:20:24.080 there's always some people that go, well, that's just disgusting 0:20:24.119 --> 0:20:26.800 on whatever, And to those people, fair enough for thinking 0:20:26.840 --> 0:20:29.439 that way. But you know, in that moment, the pain 0:20:30.400 --> 0:20:35.800 and the shame and the fear of not using or 0:20:35.840 --> 0:20:40.439 getting another fix is way more painful than the idea 0:20:40.520 --> 0:20:43.199 of stopping, the idea of keep going. Yeah, what I mean. 0:20:43.240 --> 0:20:43.480 So it. 0:20:45.320 --> 0:20:47.040 Just wasn't an option at that point. 0:20:48.040 --> 0:20:48.719 It's your focus. 0:20:48.760 --> 0:20:52.680 It's my life, like my disease is often running before 0:20:52.680 --> 0:20:53.960 my eyes are open, you know what I mean, And 0:20:54.000 --> 0:20:55.560 I would go to bed, maybe not in the end, 0:20:55.600 --> 0:20:57.600 because I leaned into the idea that this is my life, 0:20:57.600 --> 0:20:58.560 this is who I was going to be, and I'm 0:20:58.560 --> 0:21:00.720 going to die, you know, going to die an addict, 0:21:00.760 --> 0:21:01.679 and that was going to be the end of me. 0:21:01.760 --> 0:21:04.399 But for many years I would swear to God on 0:21:04.480 --> 0:21:06.399 everything that was important to me and meant it with 0:21:06.440 --> 0:21:09.160 every fiber of my being that tomorrow would be different. Yes, 0:21:09.320 --> 0:21:11.399 And before my feet hit the floor, before my eyes 0:21:11.400 --> 0:21:13.760 were open, I was gone. 0:21:13.960 --> 0:21:17.560 So what happened to change it? 0:21:17.720 --> 0:21:20.080