WEBVTT - ATTACHMENT STYLES & LOVE LANGUAGES WITH DATING COACH MIMI WATT 0:00:00.040 --> 0:00:01.680 Twice is the pattern three times? His character? 0:00:02.279 --> 0:00:04.960 Oh I like that my job. 0:00:05.600 --> 0:00:07.000 That's like just throwing out. 0:00:08.600 --> 0:00:09.600 You take my job, Mart. 0:00:10.800 --> 0:00:21.439 Look, Where's your Head At? 0:00:21.520 --> 0:00:26.200 Is a podcast that talks four things. Little hold on 0:00:26.239 --> 0:00:32.080 a sec. Let's give this a refresh. Hi, I'm Anna. 0:00:32.000 --> 0:00:34.760 And I'm Matt, and we are now too newlywed not 0:00:34.840 --> 0:00:37.400 to each other. Just a female and male best friend 0:00:37.520 --> 0:00:39.559 here for the good, the bad, and the ugly. 0:00:39.400 --> 0:00:44.600 Times and exploring adulthood, family relationships, dilemmas. 0:00:44.159 --> 0:00:46.720 And whatever else we have the mental capacity to deal with. 0:00:47.080 --> 0:00:48.040 Come get the lowdown. 0:00:48.280 --> 0:00:50.000 This is your male and female perspective. 0:00:50.440 --> 0:00:57.480 So, Matt, where's your head at? Hello, and welcome. We 0:00:57.680 --> 0:01:01.400 have a beautiful dating coach on the podcast today. Her 0:01:01.480 --> 0:01:02.400 name is Mimi. 0:01:02.600 --> 0:01:05.840 What Hello, Hi, welcome to where's your Head Up? 0:01:05.959 --> 0:01:07.720 Thank you. I'm so excited to be here. 0:01:07.840 --> 0:01:11.160 We're excited to have you. Yeah, where's your head at? 0:01:11.160 --> 0:01:14.319 My head at? My head my head up. My head's good, 0:01:14.400 --> 0:01:16.520 my head feels very clear today. I'm very excited to 0:01:16.520 --> 0:01:18.920 be here and just talk all things dating and relationships. 0:01:18.959 --> 0:01:22.400 We've just been picking Mimi's brain, being like what about this? 0:01:22.600 --> 0:01:26.120 What about that? She specializes in attachment styles, so we 0:01:26.200 --> 0:01:28.920 are going to get so deep into attachment styles. You 0:01:28.920 --> 0:01:31.640 guys are going to be so well versed on all 0:01:31.720 --> 0:01:35.720 things anxious, attachments, secure and all of the other ones. 0:01:36.520 --> 0:01:37.360 Yeah, that's it. 0:01:38.000 --> 0:01:39.479 Is there only the three or is there one more? 0:01:39.480 --> 0:01:42.240 There's actually four. There's just organized attachment. It's just less 0:01:42.280 --> 0:01:42.880 spoken about. 0:01:43.120 --> 0:01:45.080 I've never heard of that heard that one either. 0:01:45.200 --> 0:01:48.440 Yeah, you're excited to get into it. You must get 0:01:48.480 --> 0:01:51.680 all of the tea. Being a relationship coach, you know 0:01:51.840 --> 0:01:55.920 lots of everyone's relationships. What would you say is the 0:01:55.920 --> 0:01:59.760 most surprising thing that you've learnt about love and connection 0:02:00.520 --> 0:02:02.560 that most people maybe wouldn't expect. 0:02:03.560 --> 0:02:06.600 It's such a good question. I think the thing that's 0:02:06.600 --> 0:02:09.560 been most surprising for me on my own journey and 0:02:09.600 --> 0:02:11.919 then seeing it come out in clients as well, is 0:02:12.000 --> 0:02:15.160 that once you if you've been in a series of unhealthy, 0:02:15.160 --> 0:02:19.000 your toxic relationships, and then you finally get into a secure, 0:02:19.120 --> 0:02:23.040 healthy relationship. I used to think that that just means 0:02:23.280 --> 0:02:26.000 it's all sunshine and rainbows and like you've met your 0:02:26.120 --> 0:02:28.440 dream person and you have the happily ever after and 0:02:28.880 --> 0:02:30.919 there's no more work. Like it's just what you see 0:02:31.280 --> 0:02:34.040 in the Disney movies. And in Hollywood movies, and I 0:02:34.160 --> 0:02:37.040 found that there's actually so much work that still needs 0:02:37.080 --> 0:02:40.239 to be done when you're in those healthy relationships. It's 0:02:40.400 --> 0:02:42.360 different sort of work. It's not as hard as the 0:02:42.360 --> 0:02:46.400 toxic ones, but it's you know, there's still so much 0:02:46.400 --> 0:02:48.080 that can come through that needs to be healed and 0:02:48.120 --> 0:02:50.680 worked on. And I found that to be probably the 0:02:50.680 --> 0:02:51.440 most surprising. 0:02:51.960 --> 0:02:55.239 Yeah, we were talking before about how everyone should be 0:02:55.280 --> 0:02:56.239 in therapy, right. 0:02:56.120 --> 0:02:58.000 Match, Yeah, I agree, I think that, and you said 0:02:58.000 --> 0:03:00.320 as well, you think relationships should be in therapy even 0:03:00.320 --> 0:03:02.720 if they have nothing wrong with them. It's just good 0:03:02.800 --> 0:03:03.600 to go to therapy. 0:03:04.000 --> 0:03:07.000 Yeah, I think it's just about setting yourself up for success. 0:03:07.200 --> 0:03:10.120 Like the more you can understand yourself and the more 0:03:10.120 --> 0:03:12.680 you can understand one another, the better off you're going 0:03:12.760 --> 0:03:15.720 to be when you come up against those inevitable roadblocks 0:03:15.840 --> 0:03:18.560 down the line, because no relationship is perfect and you're 0:03:18.600 --> 0:03:21.040 always going to come up against some sort of conflict 0:03:21.080 --> 0:03:23.840 or issue. And I think if you understand each other 0:03:23.880 --> 0:03:26.360 and also have the tools to learn how to navigate it, 0:03:26.400 --> 0:03:29.960 like communication tools or you know, just understanding one another, 0:03:30.000 --> 0:03:32.799 it just makes such a difference. So, yeah, it's sort 0:03:32.840 --> 0:03:34.800 of like just prevention is better than cure. 0:03:35.120 --> 0:03:40.720 If there was one universal relationship rule that everyone should follow, 0:03:41.160 --> 0:03:42.120 what would that rule be. 0:03:42.840 --> 0:03:45.680 H It's kind of a classic and a cheesy one, 0:03:45.720 --> 0:03:48.640 but my answer would be to treat other people the 0:03:48.680 --> 0:03:51.160 way you want to be treated. So with a lot 0:03:51.160 --> 0:03:53.440 of my clients, they'll tell me about the type of 0:03:53.480 --> 0:03:55.480 relationship they want, they have a partner that they want 0:03:55.480 --> 0:03:58.560 to be with, and I always say that starts with you. 0:03:58.840 --> 0:04:01.680 That starts with how your coming up in dating and relationships. 0:04:01.680 --> 0:04:04.600 So for example, like let's say, in the dating world, 0:04:04.720 --> 0:04:08.040 if you don't want to be ghosted by other people, 0:04:08.560 --> 0:04:10.520 don't be someone who goes to other people. Like if 0:04:10.560 --> 0:04:13.680 you want someone who's open with their communication, you need 0:04:13.720 --> 0:04:16.880 to be that person first. So just that classic. It's 0:04:16.880 --> 0:04:17.880 a cliche, but it worked. 0:04:17.920 --> 0:04:21.440 I think communication is so big in relationships and being 0:04:21.440 --> 0:04:26.039 able to communicate with your partner in a really healthy way, yeah, 0:04:26.240 --> 0:04:32.120 is so imperative. How can we communicate better in our relationships? 0:04:32.160 --> 0:04:36.400 Such a good one. I think with communication, the key 0:04:36.880 --> 0:04:41.480 is seek to understand. Seek to understand one another because 0:04:41.800 --> 0:04:44.560 when we are communicating with our partner, there can be 0:04:44.600 --> 0:04:46.920 a lot of ego involved, and we just want to 0:04:46.960 --> 0:04:50.080 be right, and we want to be heard that we 0:04:50.080 --> 0:04:52.719 we can get so focused on that that we forget 0:04:52.760 --> 0:04:56.120 about trying to actually understand where the other person is 0:04:56.160 --> 0:04:59.720 coming from. And if we don't understand, then it's going 0:04:59.760 --> 0:05:02.000 to cause so many issues in the relationship. So, like, 0:05:02.040 --> 0:05:05.719 I'll give you an example. Let's say you've got a couple, 0:05:05.760 --> 0:05:09.039 a guy and a girl, and the guy has a 0:05:09.120 --> 0:05:12.360 habit of when they're out in public, always looking at 0:05:12.400 --> 0:05:14.520 other women, like attractive women, and he's not doing it 0:05:14.560 --> 0:05:16.920 in a pervy way. He's just you see someone hot, 0:05:16.920 --> 0:05:18.800 you kind of look and he's just not aware of it. 0:05:19.720 --> 0:05:21.960 The woman in the relationship has a history of being 0:05:22.080 --> 0:05:25.000 cheated on, so she's got betrayal, her trust has been broken, 0:05:25.040 --> 0:05:27.039 so it's a really it's sensitive for her when she 0:05:27.040 --> 0:05:30.839 sees him doing that. If they didn't have a conversation 0:05:30.920 --> 0:05:34.360 where she could he could understand why it was so 0:05:34.400 --> 0:05:36.479 sensitive for her, they might end up in a pattern 0:05:36.520 --> 0:05:40.039 of her just like giving him the cold shoulder, stonewalling him, 0:05:40.160 --> 0:05:42.719 getting pissed off being cold, and he's like, what's wrong, 0:05:42.760 --> 0:05:45.080 and she's, you know, kind of expecting him to be 0:05:45.120 --> 0:05:48.600 able to read her mind, and then that would like, yeah, 0:05:48.600 --> 0:05:50.440 and if he's saying, well, you're just being controlling, like 0:05:50.480 --> 0:05:51.920 I'm not, I don't mean anything by it. I'm not 0:05:51.960 --> 0:05:54.719 even doing anything right. So that's where we're just clashing 0:05:54.720 --> 0:05:57.920 heads and we're not a team anymore. But if he 0:05:58.000 --> 0:06:00.119 was able to go deeper, I'm like, can you tell 0:06:00.160 --> 0:06:01.880 me why this bothers you so much? Like I want 0:06:01.880 --> 0:06:05.240 to understand, And it created that safe space for her 0:06:05.279 --> 0:06:07.599 to open up and say, Look, i was cheated on 0:06:07.640 --> 0:06:10.599 in the past, and so I'm working to rebuild my 0:06:10.640 --> 0:06:12.560 self esteem. And like, when I see you looking at 0:06:12.600 --> 0:06:15.440 other women on the street, it doesn't it's hurting me. 0:06:15.480 --> 0:06:18.000 It doesn't help me in this journey. And then you know, 0:06:18.200 --> 0:06:21.040 communicating what you would need from him, And I guess 0:06:21.720 --> 0:06:23.680 if you have an understanding, it just allows you to 0:06:23.720 --> 0:06:26.240 like kind of drop your defenses and come around to 0:06:26.279 --> 0:06:28.960 that other person have more empathy, like, oh, I didn't 0:06:29.000 --> 0:06:31.520 know that you'd been through that. Therefore it makes sense 0:06:32.000 --> 0:06:33.600 that you know it hurts you when I look at 0:06:33.600 --> 0:06:35.200 other women. Thank you for telling me, Like, I'll be 0:06:35.400 --> 0:06:36.120 more conscious of that. 0:06:36.200 --> 0:06:38.720 What would you say to someone then that doesn't want 0:06:38.760 --> 0:06:41.000 to be vulnerable because they're scared of getting hurt but 0:06:41.040 --> 0:06:43.360 they're going into a new relationship and to stop themselves 0:06:43.360 --> 0:06:45.360 from getting hurt again, they have to be vulnerable. 0:06:46.080 --> 0:06:51.400 Yeah, it's a bit of a cuts I think. Yeah. Look, 0:06:51.440 --> 0:06:55.800 being vulnerable is never easy, but it is. It's a 0:06:55.920 --> 0:06:59.200 prerequisite if you want a real, healthy relationship that has 0:06:59.240 --> 0:07:03.919 depth to it. So I think it's about having to 0:07:03.920 --> 0:07:06.520 be brave and take some steps to be vulnerable. But 0:07:06.600 --> 0:07:10.040 it's also about who you're choosing to be vulnerable with, Like, 0:07:10.160 --> 0:07:12.640 you get to choose who that person is, and if 0:07:12.680 --> 0:07:17.400 you're dating someone who anytime you mention emotions or anything 0:07:17.400 --> 0:07:20.480 about how you feel, if that other person gets weird 0:07:20.600 --> 0:07:22.800 or shuts you down or tells you you're being too 0:07:22.840 --> 0:07:25.320 emotional too much, you're not going to feel safe to 0:07:25.360 --> 0:07:27.280 open up and be vulnerable, are you. So yeah, I 0:07:27.280 --> 0:07:31.000 think you know being vulnerable. It's best when you are 0:07:31.080 --> 0:07:33.760 with someone who makes you feel safe to be vulnerable. 0:07:33.880 --> 0:07:34.320 Yeah. 0:07:34.360 --> 0:07:36.440 I think that's a big part of it. Hold space 0:07:36.440 --> 0:07:36.600 for you. 0:07:36.680 --> 0:07:36.840 Yeah. 0:07:36.880 --> 0:07:38.800 I like what you said before. When you argue and 0:07:38.880 --> 0:07:40.840 it's about trying to be right with your partner. I 0:07:40.880 --> 0:07:44.280 heard another analogy that if you win a real if 0:07:44.320 --> 0:07:49.360 you win an argument, your relationship loses. Yeah, yes, you 0:07:49.400 --> 0:07:51.880 should never win an argument with your partner. 0:07:51.680 --> 0:07:52.920 Well because you guys are routine. 0:07:53.040 --> 0:07:53.680 But which is it? 0:07:53.800 --> 0:07:59.160 Yeah, okay, let's pivot to dating in twenty twenty five. 0:07:59.560 --> 0:08:03.600 I think it's hard, right, It's so difficult, And I 0:08:03.640 --> 0:08:06.400 have a lot of friends who are single and they 0:08:06.400 --> 0:08:09.160 tell me some horror stories, and we all have our 0:08:09.200 --> 0:08:12.240 horror stories. But I feel like twenty twenty five has 0:08:12.320 --> 0:08:16.760 just that little bit of extra spice with people being 0:08:16.840 --> 0:08:20.559 very disposable because of dating apps. What is the best 0:08:20.560 --> 0:08:22.360 way to meet someone? Would you say? 0:08:24.160 --> 0:08:27.160 I think, yeah, you're right, it's difficult these days because 0:08:27.160 --> 0:08:29.920 there are so many options and with the dating apps, says, 0:08:30.560 --> 0:08:32.520 I mean, you've got endless options in front of you. 0:08:33.080 --> 0:08:35.800 I mean, is there a right way or a wrong way? Like, 0:08:35.920 --> 0:08:37.640 is there a best way? I don't know. I think 0:08:37.840 --> 0:08:40.839 I've personally had great experiences meeting people in real life 0:08:40.840 --> 0:08:43.880 and also on the apps. Yes, So I think it's 0:08:43.920 --> 0:08:49.640 just about so where your heads are you want to 0:08:49.679 --> 0:08:52.079 start putting yourself out there to date. I think the 0:08:52.200 --> 0:08:54.880 dating apps can be an amazing way to meet people, 0:08:54.920 --> 0:08:57.040 Like we've heard lots of success stories of people on 0:08:57.080 --> 0:09:00.920 the apps, but it's about the clearer you are on 0:09:01.040 --> 0:09:04.240 what you're looking for and what your intentions are before 0:09:04.320 --> 0:09:06.760 you even get yourself onto the apps, the better you're 0:09:06.760 --> 0:09:09.360 going to set yourself up for success. So if you 0:09:09.400 --> 0:09:13.199 are in your casual dating error, I don't want something serious, 0:09:13.640 --> 0:09:16.040 be upfront about that on your dating profile and when 0:09:16.040 --> 0:09:18.400 you're talking to people, or if you are looking for 0:09:18.440 --> 0:09:21.440 a long term relationship, be upfront about that. I see 0:09:21.440 --> 0:09:23.960 a lot of people they kind of tiptoe around that 0:09:24.040 --> 0:09:25.520 because they think, oh, if I say I want a 0:09:25.559 --> 0:09:27.520 long term relationship, people are going to be put off 0:09:27.600 --> 0:09:29.960 by that and they're going to just but no, like 0:09:30.080 --> 0:09:30.600 you need to. 0:09:30.559 --> 0:09:32.280 Be well, if someone's put off by it, then they're 0:09:32.320 --> 0:09:33.000 not the right person. 0:09:33.080 --> 0:09:34.000 Well exactly, that's it. 0:09:34.240 --> 0:09:36.720 Yeah. Yeah, And like I always say, like, you don't 0:09:36.760 --> 0:09:40.640 want someone to fall in love with this fake persona 0:09:40.760 --> 0:09:43.240 that you're putting on to impress them, Like you want 0:09:43.280 --> 0:09:46.360 someone to fall in love with you, but you know, 0:09:48.240 --> 0:09:49.680 the first first date. 0:09:50.000 --> 0:09:51.800 Like you're just sitting on the. 0:09:55.000 --> 0:09:55.679 Go that far. 0:09:55.800 --> 0:10:03.040 But I mean, like, yeah, this is means two months 0:10:03.080 --> 0:10:05.360 from now for dating? Is that too early to get 0:10:05.360 --> 0:10:07.240 into that stage? Though? These days, I don't know how 0:10:07.280 --> 0:10:09.920 long do people show that these days? 0:10:10.760 --> 0:10:12.720 I think it varies and just depends on the person. 0:10:13.040 --> 0:10:15.079 Like some people are just going to be have no shame, 0:10:15.160 --> 0:10:17.040 like this is who I am and it's there. They're 0:10:17.120 --> 0:10:19.400 just like unapologetic about it. And other people are going 0:10:19.440 --> 0:10:20.839 to be more self I wonder how. 0:10:20.800 --> 0:10:22.480 Long I was with my wife when I would get 0:10:22.559 --> 0:10:24.200 up and still brush my teeth in the morning and 0:10:24.280 --> 0:10:29.040 she'd do the same before we'd like kiss that. Yeah, 0:10:29.040 --> 0:10:32.800 we don't do that anymore. When that's when that stopped. 0:10:33.200 --> 0:10:35.240 But it's it is cute, like when you look back 0:10:35.280 --> 0:10:39.000 at those moments and you're like still trying to impress them, 0:10:39.200 --> 0:10:40.800 like you like quickly get up and like put a 0:10:40.880 --> 0:10:41.920 bit of like powder up. 0:10:45.160 --> 0:10:45.640 Yeah. 0:10:45.720 --> 0:10:50.440 Okay, So people are often scared of dating. I would say, 0:10:51.000 --> 0:10:54.560 what do you think makes dating so scary for people? 0:10:56.760 --> 0:10:59.400 Rejection? Yeah, yeah, fear of rejection. 0:11:01.200 --> 0:11:01.360 You know. 0:11:01.400 --> 0:11:03.800 I think in this day and age, people the rate 0:11:03.840 --> 0:11:06.920 of comparison and self esteem issues has never been bigger 0:11:07.000 --> 0:11:09.720 because of social media, and I think there is a 0:11:09.880 --> 0:11:13.079 very real fear that a lot of people, especially they've 0:11:13.120 --> 0:11:15.240 come across in my line of work, just have this 0:11:15.280 --> 0:11:19.120 core belief that they're not good enough, and so putting 0:11:19.120 --> 0:11:21.680 yourself out there in dating situations. I mean, it's a 0:11:21.920 --> 0:11:25.520 sure fire way to be in the firing line for rejection. 0:11:25.679 --> 0:11:28.920 And I think I think people the more they avoid dating, 0:11:29.080 --> 0:11:32.560 the bigger that fear gets. And so i'd say it's rejection. 0:11:32.600 --> 0:11:36.679 I'd also say it's probably a fear of like your 0:11:37.240 --> 0:11:40.520 worst fear coming true. So people think that, you know, 0:11:40.520 --> 0:11:42.400 it's so hard to meet anyone good, I'm not going 0:11:42.480 --> 0:11:44.360 to meet anyone nice. I'm going to be single forever. 0:11:44.840 --> 0:11:47.040 And if they're projecting that fear, and then they go 0:11:47.120 --> 0:11:49.319 out and they have, you know, five dates that have 0:11:49.400 --> 0:11:51.959 sucked or they've failed, it's almost the fear of proving 0:11:52.000 --> 0:11:54.080 that to be true, and so they just kind of 0:11:54.200 --> 0:11:56.679 I see a lot of people just not trying at 0:11:56.679 --> 0:11:58.000 all because they're so scared. 0:11:58.280 --> 0:11:59.760 Yeah, I've seen that too. 0:12:00.080 --> 0:12:01.120 You coach them out of that? 0:12:01.480 --> 0:12:03.160 I do, ye, yeah, yeah. 0:12:03.160 --> 0:12:06.120 And how do you coach them that? For people listening, 0:12:06.200 --> 0:12:11.199 if you're someone who's afraid to date, what can they do? 0:12:13.280 --> 0:12:16.079 I think if you're afraid to date, I mean, first 0:12:16.120 --> 0:12:18.880 of all, it's what do you what are you truly 0:12:18.960 --> 0:12:22.120 afraid of? Because if we don't look at that like 0:12:22.200 --> 0:12:25.520 under a microscope, often just it's just the anticipation and 0:12:25.559 --> 0:12:28.479 the fear that feels so daunting that we just stop ourselves. 0:12:28.520 --> 0:12:30.480 So it's like, what, really, what is the worst case? 0:12:30.520 --> 0:12:33.480 You know, like you go on a date nothing evolves 0:12:33.520 --> 0:12:34.840 from it, or you go on a date like the 0:12:34.880 --> 0:12:36.839 worst maybe the worst cases you get stood up or 0:12:36.880 --> 0:12:40.520 something I don't know, and looking at that, it's like, well, yeah, 0:12:40.559 --> 0:12:42.920 that would be a ship but could you handle it, 0:12:43.000 --> 0:12:44.679 Like do you reckon? You'd be okay, you'd come out 0:12:44.679 --> 0:12:47.199 of that and likely it's like, yes, they would. 0:12:47.480 --> 0:12:51.400 And laugh about it's a good story. 0:12:51.440 --> 0:12:52.280 It's a good story. 0:12:52.360 --> 0:12:55.600 Yeah, after a couple of months. 0:12:55.280 --> 0:12:57.160 You're saying all this stuff like I don't know, like 0:12:57.480 --> 0:12:59.640 all that sort of stuff I just laugh about, Like 0:13:00.160 --> 0:13:03.200 because imagine getting stood off. You'd be like it would hurt. 0:13:03.240 --> 0:13:04.280 But imagine going and tell me. 0:13:04.320 --> 0:13:06.560 You'd be like you're a loser for standing Yeah. 0:13:06.679 --> 0:13:09.680 No, I would imagine me calling you and being like, hey, 0:13:09.880 --> 0:13:10.840 I just stood off. 0:13:11.120 --> 0:13:15.640 Like it's funny. But it's also like a little bit 0:13:15.640 --> 0:13:16.360 of a like. 0:13:16.480 --> 0:13:20.640 I could in the ego, I can understand that, Yeah, 0:13:20.760 --> 0:13:21.920 my ego is not that fragile. 0:13:22.400 --> 0:13:26.040 I always go into dating with this mindset that ninety 0:13:26.080 --> 0:13:28.319 nine point nine percent of these dates aren't going to 0:13:28.360 --> 0:13:30.400 work out, so I'm kind of doing it for the 0:13:30.440 --> 0:13:31.440 story and for the plot. 0:13:31.880 --> 0:13:32.200 Yeah. 0:13:32.280 --> 0:13:35.800 Yeah, And I think that mindset shift really helped me 0:13:35.880 --> 0:13:40.840 with dating because I was horrendous going on a first date, 0:13:40.960 --> 0:13:43.520 like I would have before my first date with my husband. 0:13:43.800 --> 0:13:46.320 I had three shots of tequila because I'm so nervous, 0:13:46.440 --> 0:13:48.559 like just downing them with like a little bit of 0:13:48.720 --> 0:13:52.680 lemon in my apartment by myself, like freaking out, having 0:13:52.720 --> 0:13:54.080 meltdowns like I don't want to go. 0:13:54.360 --> 0:13:56.240 I can't relate to that, Like I would never get 0:13:56.240 --> 0:13:57.240 nervous for a first date. 0:13:57.440 --> 0:14:00.920 Really, you're like one in a million. Then, because I can't, 0:14:01.000 --> 0:14:02.360 I don't really know anyone. 0:14:02.960 --> 0:14:05.520 Yeah. I think it's like one thing I do say 0:14:05.520 --> 0:14:08.000 to people and I used to I try to use myself, 0:14:08.160 --> 0:14:11.280 is just pretend you're going to meet a friend. Yeah, 0:14:11.320 --> 0:14:13.760 like you're just you don't think of it as a date. 0:14:13.840 --> 0:14:15.360 Just think of it as like you're just going to 0:14:15.360 --> 0:14:18.120 get to know someone. Because if you think about when 0:14:18.160 --> 0:14:21.160 you're going to meet a friend, the energy is so different, 0:14:21.240 --> 0:14:23.880 like there's no expectation, there's no concern, You're just going 0:14:23.920 --> 0:14:26.280 to be yourself. You're just going to be curious about 0:14:26.280 --> 0:14:28.280 your friend, like what's been going on, how you're going 0:14:28.840 --> 0:14:31.840 And that just creates such a more authentic vibe and 0:14:31.960 --> 0:14:33.920 energy that I think helps you to get out of 0:14:33.960 --> 0:14:35.960 your head and just into the present moment so that 0:14:36.000 --> 0:14:38.680 you can actually see do we connect? Like how do 0:14:38.680 --> 0:14:41.680 I feel around this person? Is there a vibe? So yeah, 0:14:42.000 --> 0:14:43.800 just and you say like dropping the expectation. 0:14:44.160 --> 0:14:45.920 How do you get to the point where you think 0:14:45.960 --> 0:14:49.080 to yourself like I'm a good data like I've I've 0:14:49.160 --> 0:14:53.320 nailed this, I've got this. Is it something when you've 0:14:53.320 --> 0:14:58.560 clocked it and you've got married? It's about getting married. 0:14:58.600 --> 0:15:01.040 I think it's like like you you know you're actively 0:15:01.120 --> 0:15:04.360 dating or like what's that mindset? What's going on within? 0:15:05.760 --> 0:15:08.840 Yeah? I think to be a good data I think 0:15:09.040 --> 0:15:12.240 I really think dating is a skill. So, like anything 0:15:12.240 --> 0:15:14.040 any skill, you're going to get better at it the 0:15:14.040 --> 0:15:16.720 more you do it. You're going to get more confident 0:15:16.840 --> 0:15:21.760 in speaking about yourself in asking questions. And I think 0:15:21.960 --> 0:15:24.680 so experience is one thing like practicing just putting yourself 0:15:24.720 --> 0:15:26.920 out there, you know, getting the reps in, but then 0:15:26.960 --> 0:15:31.080 also really knowing yourself and knowing what your patterns are, 0:15:31.200 --> 0:15:33.520 knowing what your history is. You just don't want to 0:15:33.560 --> 0:15:36.560 be going in blind, like on autopilot. Right, So if 0:15:36.600 --> 0:15:40.720 you are someone who's never stopped to reflect on your 0:15:40.720 --> 0:15:44.560 past relationships or dating experiences, and majority of them have 0:15:44.640 --> 0:15:46.760 had issues and they've been bad. If you don't stop 0:15:46.840 --> 0:15:51.000 and reflect, you're highly likely to just continue that pattern 0:15:51.040 --> 0:15:53.200 and attract more of the same people. So it's like 0:15:53.320 --> 0:15:55.400 knowing what are your red flags you're looking out for, 0:15:55.600 --> 0:15:58.760 what are your non negotiables, what are your green flags? 0:15:58.760 --> 0:16:00.520 Are things that are positive for you? You just know 0:16:00.640 --> 0:16:01.280 those things. 0:16:01.320 --> 0:16:01.440 You know. 0:16:01.440 --> 0:16:04.200 It doesn't have to be super super super deep detail, 0:16:04.320 --> 0:16:06.720 but just having a bit of an idea, but it's 0:16:06.760 --> 0:16:08.240 going to help you be a better data. 0:16:08.400 --> 0:16:12.480 Yeah, absolutely, I reckon. Yeah, I feel like there's been 0:16:13.240 --> 0:16:16.880 lots of bad dates that I've been able to reflect on, 0:16:17.080 --> 0:16:20.200 and I think by the end of like my dating 0:16:20.240 --> 0:16:23.400 career shall we call it, I had like a list 0:16:23.440 --> 0:16:26.680 of just like absolute nos. So like by the end 0:16:26.760 --> 0:16:30.440 of dating, if someone did something that crossed my boundary, 0:16:30.520 --> 0:16:32.560 I was like totally out, Like yeah, you just like 0:16:32.640 --> 0:16:35.120 with your ex, I'm out, Whereas like at the start 0:16:35.160 --> 0:16:37.480 of my dating career, I would be like, oh, but 0:16:37.560 --> 0:16:41.320 it's okay, like we're not officially together and like that's fine, 0:16:41.400 --> 0:16:43.920 or like they lied to me about something big, or 0:16:43.960 --> 0:16:45.840 like you know, like what what am I going to 0:16:45.920 --> 0:16:47.520 put up with? And what am I not? And I 0:16:47.520 --> 0:16:49.160 guess that's where boundaries come in. 0:16:49.240 --> 0:16:52.040 Well, if you let your boundaries slide early on with someone, 0:16:52.200 --> 0:16:54.520 then they're going to be like, well, you know, I 0:16:54.520 --> 0:16:56.080 can keep crossing boundaries. 0:16:56.320 --> 0:16:58.200 Yeah, I keep getting away with it and getting. 0:16:57.920 --> 0:16:59.640 Away with it, and you're not. You're already up to 0:16:59.640 --> 0:17:00.600 a shit it anyway. 0:17:00.720 --> 0:17:04.480 So yeah, what would you say, are some red flags 0:17:04.840 --> 0:17:08.000 that you shouldn't ignore when it comes to dating? 0:17:10.520 --> 0:17:15.040 Okay, red flags you shouldn't ignore. The first one is 0:17:15.640 --> 0:17:18.720 probably just compatibility. So depending on what you're looking for. 0:17:19.000 --> 0:17:21.320 I see so many people they'll tell me they want 0:17:21.320 --> 0:17:24.960 a relationship and then they meet someone who's like leaving 0:17:25.000 --> 0:17:27.720 the country in two months or who has just broken 0:17:27.800 --> 0:17:29.159 up with their X and like, yeah, but there's a 0:17:29.200 --> 0:17:31.359 really good connection. Like stop. 0:17:32.640 --> 0:17:35.160 Chemistry and connection doesn't equal compatibility. 0:17:35.640 --> 0:17:37.720 No. I don't know if it's because I'm pregnant, but 0:17:37.760 --> 0:17:41.560 that like really just like so hard, Like say, like. 0:17:41.600 --> 0:17:43.440 You hit it off with someone, you've got good chemistry, 0:17:43.480 --> 0:17:45.920 you're like haha, laughing. It doesn't mean you're compatible because 0:17:45.920 --> 0:17:46.360 you don't. 0:17:46.200 --> 0:17:48.000 Have the same values or you might have things that. 0:17:47.960 --> 0:17:51.000 Don't align the one for me. 0:17:51.840 --> 0:17:55.240 Yeah, okay, so hopefully everyone else wasn't as slow as I. 0:17:55.119 --> 0:18:02.119 Was chemistry because it doesn't you get. 0:18:02.000 --> 0:18:05.159 It a great point to bring in. Yeah, so the 0:18:05.200 --> 0:18:08.840 compatibility piece of like are you if you're not on 0:18:08.920 --> 0:18:11.480 the same page about where you're at in terms of 0:18:11.480 --> 0:18:15.280 emotional availability or lifestyle factors all that. Don't ignore that 0:18:15.320 --> 0:18:17.480 and just think that, oh no, but like it'll work 0:18:17.520 --> 0:18:19.960 out and things will just magically fall into place. It's 0:18:20.280 --> 0:18:23.600 maybe that will happen, but you know, yeah, there's a 0:18:23.640 --> 0:18:27.240 high chance it won't. Or another red flag is just 0:18:27.280 --> 0:18:30.879 if someone is really inconsistent and they're hot and cold 0:18:30.920 --> 0:18:32.960 and they're saying one thing and they're doing another. So 0:18:32.960 --> 0:18:35.760 if they're out of integrity and if you're noticing early 0:18:35.840 --> 0:18:38.520 on that you're feeling a lot of anxiety because you're 0:18:38.560 --> 0:18:40.840 not really sure what's going on, Like they're kind of 0:18:40.880 --> 0:18:44.840 leaving you guessing a lot, major red flag, Like definitely. 0:18:44.520 --> 0:18:47.480 Do you believe in if they wanted to they would statement. 0:18:47.640 --> 0:18:50.679 I think to a large degree, if they wanted to 0:18:50.800 --> 0:18:54.080 they would. Yes, Yeah, if you're genuinely interested in someone 0:18:54.160 --> 0:18:57.240 and you want the connection to develop, like you're going 0:18:57.320 --> 0:18:59.440 to make that happen. You're going you're not gonna tiptoe 0:18:59.480 --> 0:19:03.040 around it. You know, it's going to be obvious. So yeah, 0:19:03.080 --> 0:19:05.639