1 00:00:05,921 --> 00:00:13,241 Speaker 1: Apogee Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashy 2 00:00:13,281 --> 00:00:16,881 Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana. This podcast is about female empowerment. 3 00:00:16,441 --> 00:00:19,200 Speaker 2: And encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, and most 4 00:00:19,201 --> 00:00:20,800 Speaker 2: authentic version of yourself. 5 00:00:20,961 --> 00:00:23,281 Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level. 6 00:00:23,321 --> 00:00:26,241 Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone 7 00:00:26,281 --> 00:00:29,321 Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about. Get ready for 8 00:00:29,361 --> 00:00:32,441 Speaker 1: your next level of self. Hello everybody, Welcome back to 9 00:00:32,601 --> 00:00:34,121 Speaker 1: She Rises. Ashi and Tiana. 10 00:00:34,241 --> 00:00:36,281 Speaker 2: We want to talk to you all about our non 11 00:00:36,321 --> 00:00:39,840 Speaker 2: negotiables in dating and significant others and why they're so important. 12 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:44,481 Speaker 1: I think this episode may not ruffle a few feathers, 13 00:00:44,521 --> 00:00:47,481 Speaker 1: but may make you go, oh, they're a bit strict. Wow, 14 00:00:47,521 --> 00:00:51,241 Speaker 1: they've got rules, And I can understand because I think 15 00:00:51,281 --> 00:00:53,281 Speaker 1: a couple of years ago I would have thought that too, 16 00:00:53,681 --> 00:00:57,081 Speaker 1: because I didn't have strong boundaries and a poorer reflection. 17 00:00:57,161 --> 00:00:59,481 Speaker 1: I've always bent my boundaries to fit in with everyone else, 18 00:00:59,481 --> 00:01:02,001 Speaker 1: because I was fearful that people wouldn't like me, accept me, 19 00:01:02,121 --> 00:01:04,521 Speaker 1: or love me if I was more strict than what 20 00:01:04,561 --> 00:01:07,000 Speaker 1: I wanted. I had high standards of who I wanted 21 00:01:07,081 --> 00:01:10,720 Speaker 1: my life and how I wanted them to be. And yeah, 22 00:01:10,761 --> 00:01:13,401 Speaker 1: I've learned actually okay to have standards. Yeah, and it 23 00:01:13,401 --> 00:01:15,961 Speaker 1: helps you have deeper connections and people that are really 24 00:01:15,961 --> 00:01:18,761 Speaker 1: aligned with who you are and what you value. And 25 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:21,361 Speaker 1: the relationships are just better when you're on the same 26 00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:22,481 Speaker 1: page with that kind of stuff. 27 00:01:22,681 --> 00:01:25,200 Speaker 2: And that's actually a really important part of relationships to 28 00:01:25,401 --> 00:01:28,681 Speaker 2: have boundaries, non negotiables and standards. Yes, so you can 29 00:01:28,801 --> 00:01:32,321 Speaker 2: navigate relationships with people better without it breaking down or 30 00:01:32,321 --> 00:01:34,521 Speaker 2: feeling like you just end up feeling super resentful to 31 00:01:34,801 --> 00:01:35,441 Speaker 2: those people. 32 00:01:35,721 --> 00:01:38,080 Speaker 1: And how much easier is a relationship dynamic when you 33 00:01:38,161 --> 00:01:40,720 Speaker 1: share the same values. Oh, it makes it so much easier. 34 00:01:40,761 --> 00:01:42,000 Speaker 1: We talk about this all the time. 35 00:01:42,081 --> 00:01:43,761 Speaker 2: Oh my god, like you and I we just like 36 00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:46,560 Speaker 2: everything feels seen. Yeah, as we do see life in 37 00:01:46,601 --> 00:01:47,401 Speaker 2: a similar way. 38 00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:49,401 Speaker 1: Even to the point of how we eat. You're talking 39 00:01:49,441 --> 00:01:50,761 Speaker 1: about like if you would to be with someone who 40 00:01:50,801 --> 00:01:53,841 Speaker 1: didn't value eating healthy to some people, I'd be like, oh, 41 00:01:53,841 --> 00:01:56,240 Speaker 1: we just enjoy different foods. But if you love eating 42 00:01:56,281 --> 00:01:58,921 Speaker 1: healthy and live on a high protein diet and your 43 00:01:58,961 --> 00:02:01,121 Speaker 1: partner wants to go to McDonald's all the time, it 44 00:02:01,161 --> 00:02:03,641 Speaker 1: would cause iickiness, of course, and you'd be like, well, 45 00:02:03,641 --> 00:02:04,880 Speaker 1: I don't want to eat like that and that doesn't 46 00:02:04,881 --> 00:02:07,241 Speaker 1: so you and it's just a small example. No, but 47 00:02:07,281 --> 00:02:07,921 Speaker 1: it makes sense. 48 00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:11,321 Speaker 2: It does because it creates gaps in the relationship. It's like, oh, 49 00:02:11,521 --> 00:02:13,921 Speaker 2: where this moment where we could have connected, we're actually 50 00:02:14,161 --> 00:02:17,201 Speaker 2: pulling away from each other instead. Yes, having different lifestyles, 51 00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:19,800 Speaker 2: doing different things, having different hobbies, even in moments like that, 52 00:02:19,921 --> 00:02:21,561 Speaker 2: like you can kind of separate. 53 00:02:21,761 --> 00:02:24,240 Speaker 1: Yeah, So I wanted to talk about one that when 54 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:26,681 Speaker 1: I first heard you say, I was a bit like, 55 00:02:26,881 --> 00:02:30,521 Speaker 1: oh gosh, that's a lot, or that's strict or I 56 00:02:30,561 --> 00:02:32,921 Speaker 1: had the moment of thinking, good luck finding someone then 57 00:02:33,001 --> 00:02:37,081 Speaker 1: meets this standard and that's dissolved away. Now it's like, 58 00:02:37,121 --> 00:02:38,720 Speaker 1: of course you have that, you don't want it in 59 00:02:38,761 --> 00:02:41,481 Speaker 1: your field, especially in an intimate relationship. And I can 60 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:44,361 Speaker 1: relate because Steve is no longer it's around our coal. Yes, 61 00:02:44,441 --> 00:02:46,560 Speaker 1: Steve is no longer a drinker. And I can't tell 62 00:02:46,561 --> 00:02:49,201 Speaker 1: you how much deeper our connection is because I felt 63 00:02:49,201 --> 00:02:51,921 Speaker 1: like our coal was always if we ever thought about anything, 64 00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:54,441 Speaker 1: it was drinking. Our whole relationship, if we ever had 65 00:02:54,441 --> 00:02:56,801 Speaker 1: any blow ups or fights, it was always evolved around drinking. 66 00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:59,161 Speaker 1: And now that's just like gone, and it doesn't align 67 00:02:59,201 --> 00:03:01,960 Speaker 1: with our relationship and our health goals and our values 68 00:03:02,001 --> 00:03:05,361 Speaker 1: and our family. It just doesn't fit anymore. It's not 69 00:03:05,401 --> 00:03:07,481 Speaker 1: to shame anyone that drinks. I have friends like SHE'SI 70 00:03:07,601 --> 00:03:09,681 Speaker 1: my longest, oldest best friend. She loves to drink and 71 00:03:09,721 --> 00:03:11,361 Speaker 1: she likes getting silly. Your hens is coming up and 72 00:03:11,401 --> 00:03:14,041 Speaker 1: she is excited to get loose and like, good on her. Yeah, 73 00:03:14,121 --> 00:03:16,161 Speaker 1: you know, it's not to shame anyone that does drink. 74 00:03:16,201 --> 00:03:18,921 Speaker 1: It's just in an intimate relationship. We're talking about our 75 00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:21,481 Speaker 1: non negotiables, and for you it's to be with someone 76 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:23,681 Speaker 1: that doesn't drink, and your last couple of partners have 77 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:25,400 Speaker 1: not been drinkers. Yeah, so you tell us a little 78 00:03:25,441 --> 00:03:26,001 Speaker 1: bit more about that. 79 00:03:26,121 --> 00:03:28,081 Speaker 2: This non negotiable for me is just a standard that 80 00:03:28,081 --> 00:03:31,561 Speaker 2: I've held for myself, probably since I don't know, twenty twenty, 81 00:03:31,601 --> 00:03:34,441 Speaker 2: maybe I think when I first started coming away from 82 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:37,440 Speaker 2: regularly drinking and only starting to, you know, maybe have 83 00:03:37,521 --> 00:03:39,601 Speaker 2: one drink on a birthday, like a red wine. 84 00:03:39,441 --> 00:03:41,081 Speaker 1: Or something like that, and then not long. 85 00:03:41,201 --> 00:03:43,241 Speaker 2: It's been probably about three years now since I've even 86 00:03:43,281 --> 00:03:46,081 Speaker 2: had a drink, And that for me is a non 87 00:03:46,161 --> 00:03:49,241 Speaker 2: negotiable because it's the standard I hold for myself because 88 00:03:49,281 --> 00:03:51,721 Speaker 2: I've been in the past where I've had alcohol in 89 00:03:51,761 --> 00:03:54,681 Speaker 2: my life, and to now not have alcohol in my life, 90 00:03:54,721 --> 00:03:56,441 Speaker 2: I realize that I don't need it, you know. And 91 00:03:56,481 --> 00:03:58,281 Speaker 2: I think, when I think about this, I'm like, I 92 00:03:58,321 --> 00:03:59,720 Speaker 2: want a partner who's going to be on the same 93 00:03:59,761 --> 00:04:02,001 Speaker 2: side of that as me, because it's just going to 94 00:04:02,041 --> 00:04:04,681 Speaker 2: allow us to be much more connected, to be on 95 00:04:04,721 --> 00:04:07,041 Speaker 2: the same team, to be, you know, moving towards the 96 00:04:07,041 --> 00:04:08,801 Speaker 2: same direction in life. And for me to have a 97 00:04:08,801 --> 00:04:11,041 Speaker 2: partner who has the same values in that is really 98 00:04:11,121 --> 00:04:14,841 Speaker 2: important to me because for me automatically, I think, Okay, 99 00:04:15,041 --> 00:04:16,881 Speaker 2: if I'm going to have a partner who actively likes 100 00:04:16,881 --> 00:04:18,921 Speaker 2: to drink, and again, no problem with that. But if 101 00:04:18,961 --> 00:04:20,921 Speaker 2: I have a partner who wants that and I don't 102 00:04:20,921 --> 00:04:23,321 Speaker 2: want that, and we're going for a date night at 103 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:26,281 Speaker 2: dinner and he wants to have four drinks, immediately I 104 00:04:26,281 --> 00:04:29,361 Speaker 2: feel disconnected. Yeah, but not because there's anything wrong, but 105 00:04:29,401 --> 00:04:31,921 Speaker 2: because emotionally I would feel disconnected. 106 00:04:32,001 --> 00:04:33,921 Speaker 1: It also is your state, that's right, they're not as 107 00:04:33,921 --> 00:04:35,681 Speaker 1: conscious that part of the brain kind of starts to 108 00:04:35,681 --> 00:04:37,281 Speaker 1: switch off after you've had a couple of drinks. 109 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,001 Speaker 2: And then when I think about, okay, maybe we go 110 00:04:39,081 --> 00:04:42,121 Speaker 2: to some event where we're celebrating friends or whatever, and 111 00:04:42,121 --> 00:04:43,121 Speaker 2: then they have a big night. 112 00:04:43,401 --> 00:04:44,721 Speaker 1: The next day, I want to get up early in 113 00:04:44,721 --> 00:04:45,001 Speaker 1: the morning. 114 00:04:45,001 --> 00:04:46,080 Speaker 2: I want to go for a walk and go for 115 00:04:46,161 --> 00:04:48,681 Speaker 2: breakfast and have a beautiful Sunday, and then that partner 116 00:04:48,721 --> 00:04:50,001 Speaker 2: is going to be in bed day because they hung 117 00:04:50,041 --> 00:04:52,241 Speaker 2: over a shit. Yes, and like, again, there's nothing wrong 118 00:04:52,281 --> 00:04:52,481 Speaker 2: with that. 119 00:04:52,601 --> 00:04:53,881 Speaker 1: You know what you value. I know what I. 120 00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:56,521 Speaker 2: Value, yeah, And I know what I'm also like when 121 00:04:56,521 --> 00:04:58,401 Speaker 2: I'm on it, I don't feel as clear, i don't 122 00:04:58,401 --> 00:05:01,521 Speaker 2: feel as headstrong, I feel more emotional. It messes with 123 00:05:01,521 --> 00:05:04,361 Speaker 2: my hormones. It messes with my emotionin it mess up 124 00:05:04,561 --> 00:05:07,241 Speaker 2: with the way that I feel about myself. When I 125 00:05:07,361 --> 00:05:09,881 Speaker 2: noticed that and I feel that, I'm like, immediately, that's 126 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:11,521 Speaker 2: going to do that for my partner too, which means 127 00:05:11,521 --> 00:05:13,241 Speaker 2: he's not going to show up is his best version 128 00:05:13,241 --> 00:05:16,841 Speaker 2: of himself either. It might seem strict, it may sound 129 00:05:16,841 --> 00:05:18,080 Speaker 2: like that to a lot of people, but it's just 130 00:05:18,121 --> 00:05:20,521 Speaker 2: the boundary that I have in my life. And I've 131 00:05:20,601 --> 00:05:23,400 Speaker 2: recently had somebody come into my life who is a 132 00:05:23,401 --> 00:05:24,001 Speaker 2: little bit. 133 00:05:23,841 --> 00:05:25,321 Speaker 1: More lenient with that. 134 00:05:25,761 --> 00:05:28,801 Speaker 2: But I was dating very briefly and it was a 135 00:05:28,841 --> 00:05:31,481 Speaker 2: conflict for me. It was a conflict of interest of 136 00:05:31,521 --> 00:05:34,760 Speaker 2: my values, and I had a really hard time like 137 00:05:34,841 --> 00:05:37,161 Speaker 2: accepting that. And that was something that he even said 138 00:05:37,281 --> 00:05:40,561 Speaker 2: he felt like I wasn't super adaptable in those believed standards. 139 00:05:40,561 --> 00:05:41,801 Speaker 1: But that's the thing. 140 00:05:42,481 --> 00:05:44,561 Speaker 2: I'm not going to be adaptable in my boundaries and 141 00:05:44,561 --> 00:05:47,561 Speaker 2: standards on those things because it's important to me, right, 142 00:05:47,921 --> 00:05:51,880 Speaker 2: But people are going to not intentionally make you feel 143 00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:54,681 Speaker 2: like you're too much, make you feel like you're too strict, 144 00:05:54,761 --> 00:05:57,081 Speaker 2: like you're too much, like you should soften your boundaries, 145 00:05:57,121 --> 00:05:59,361 Speaker 2: when in reality you don't have to do any of that. 146 00:05:59,481 --> 00:06:01,041 Speaker 1: We're trying to do that to make it fit with 147 00:06:01,041 --> 00:06:01,880 Speaker 1: what they want. 148 00:06:01,801 --> 00:06:04,200 Speaker 2: Because they want to continue doing those things. Yes, right, 149 00:06:04,281 --> 00:06:07,001 Speaker 2: but then when you allow it, obviously they're not benefiting 150 00:06:07,001 --> 00:06:07,321 Speaker 2: from it. 151 00:06:07,561 --> 00:06:10,801 Speaker 1: Yeah. So and once again, it's not that what they're 152 00:06:10,841 --> 00:06:13,361 Speaker 1: doing is wrong, it's just not the right fit for you, 153 00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:16,080 Speaker 1: that's right. That's obviously. You know. One of the reasons 154 00:06:16,081 --> 00:06:19,041 Speaker 1: why you're not fit with that man is because he's 155 00:06:19,041 --> 00:06:20,721 Speaker 1: in this phase where he still wants to do that, 156 00:06:20,841 --> 00:06:22,440 Speaker 1: and not that he was crazy, I. 157 00:06:22,521 --> 00:06:25,081 Speaker 2: Call not at all, far from it, far from it, 158 00:06:25,161 --> 00:06:27,640 Speaker 2: far from a man but incredible, man, You're in different 159 00:06:27,801 --> 00:06:30,201 Speaker 2: phases of your life and he still values that and 160 00:06:30,241 --> 00:06:31,881 Speaker 2: wants to fit in with that and wants to more 161 00:06:31,880 --> 00:06:33,841 Speaker 2: settle down and stop that in ten years time, and 162 00:06:33,841 --> 00:06:36,121 Speaker 2: you're like, well, that's going to hinder my progress and hinder. 163 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:38,361 Speaker 1: Where I want to go next, where I want to be. Yeah, 164 00:06:38,401 --> 00:06:41,561 Speaker 1: it just didn't fit. So it's yeah, it does sound strict, 165 00:06:41,561 --> 00:06:43,041 Speaker 1: but it just makes total sense. 166 00:06:43,201 --> 00:06:45,561 Speaker 2: But also that's the really important thing about being open 167 00:06:45,601 --> 00:06:48,001 Speaker 2: and honest with your standards and non negotiables from the 168 00:06:48,121 --> 00:06:51,961 Speaker 2: very beginning. Yes, because whilst it's uncomfortable to have those 169 00:06:52,001 --> 00:06:55,401 Speaker 2: hard conversations, you're also getting really clear if that person 170 00:06:55,481 --> 00:06:57,320 Speaker 2: is meant for you or not. Because instead of me 171 00:06:57,401 --> 00:06:59,801 Speaker 2: waiting until you know, twelve months time, being like, oh, 172 00:06:59,841 --> 00:07:01,361 Speaker 2: by the way, and non negotiable for me. 173 00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:02,280 Speaker 1: Is I don't want you to drink? 174 00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:04,801 Speaker 2: Yeah you know, or I would prefer you don't see 175 00:07:04,841 --> 00:07:07,721 Speaker 2: that you in drinking. Then in twelve months time, we've 176 00:07:07,721 --> 00:07:09,801 Speaker 2: just spent all this time together building a relationship for 177 00:07:09,921 --> 00:07:12,881 Speaker 2: something that we actually don't align on. Being honest from 178 00:07:12,921 --> 00:07:14,801 Speaker 2: the get go is going to serve you ten times 179 00:07:14,841 --> 00:07:16,161 Speaker 2: more than trying to be the cool one. 180 00:07:17,321 --> 00:07:19,601 Speaker 1: So When Channa first came to me and we were 181 00:07:19,601 --> 00:07:21,961 Speaker 1: talking about this non negotiable because he said he has 182 00:07:22,001 --> 00:07:23,561 Speaker 1: a couple of drinks when he goes, you know, to 183 00:07:23,721 --> 00:07:26,081 Speaker 1: Arrave or something. You said to me, do you think 184 00:07:26,121 --> 00:07:28,160 Speaker 1: I'm being too much? Do you think I'm being too strict? 185 00:07:28,201 --> 00:07:31,321 Speaker 1: And I said no, However, I do think relationships sometimes 186 00:07:31,321 --> 00:07:33,441 Speaker 1: there is compromise. And I said to you, I just 187 00:07:33,441 --> 00:07:34,881 Speaker 1: wanted you to make your own decision, but I just 188 00:07:34,921 --> 00:07:38,041 Speaker 1: like opened up this conversation. How would you feel if 189 00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:40,081 Speaker 1: it was just once or twice a year? Is there 190 00:07:40,121 --> 00:07:42,241 Speaker 1: compromise in that? Would you want to bend on that? 191 00:07:42,281 --> 00:07:44,601 Speaker 1: Because he still enjoys that he's not abusive or me, 192 00:07:44,641 --> 00:07:46,521 Speaker 1: and he doesn't change too much and sometimes only has 193 00:07:46,561 --> 00:07:48,801 Speaker 1: one or two or two? Yeah, how did you feel 194 00:07:48,801 --> 00:07:51,321 Speaker 1: when I suggested that? And where did you go from there? 195 00:07:51,561 --> 00:07:54,321 Speaker 2: Well, when we had that conversation, I did think to myself. 196 00:07:54,561 --> 00:07:57,881 Speaker 2: Initially my first body of response was no, yes, immediate no. 197 00:07:58,441 --> 00:08:00,681 Speaker 2: But then also like I was like, I like this 198 00:08:00,761 --> 00:08:03,121 Speaker 2: man like I want to be, you know, maybe for quality, 199 00:08:03,241 --> 00:08:05,361 Speaker 2: so many beautiful qualities, is so incredible. I want to 200 00:08:05,361 --> 00:08:07,921 Speaker 2: just think very highly of him. And I just was like, Okay, well, 201 00:08:08,161 --> 00:08:10,241 Speaker 2: he's openly told me that he doesn't have a bad 202 00:08:10,281 --> 00:08:13,041 Speaker 2: relationship with alcohol, and it's never been something that he's 203 00:08:13,081 --> 00:08:16,481 Speaker 2: needed to restrict himself from because he's never overdone it. Yeah, 204 00:08:16,521 --> 00:08:19,081 Speaker 2: like he'd probably been clubbing four times in his whole life. Yeah, 205 00:08:19,121 --> 00:08:21,361 Speaker 2: you know, so it never really had an unhealthy relationship 206 00:08:21,401 --> 00:08:25,041 Speaker 2: with it. And so initially my initial body response was 207 00:08:25,081 --> 00:08:27,521 Speaker 2: absolutely not, like this isn't non negotiable for me. 208 00:08:27,601 --> 00:08:28,281 Speaker 1: This is a hard no. 209 00:08:28,761 --> 00:08:30,481 Speaker 2: But the more time I spent with him, I was like, Okay, 210 00:08:31,081 --> 00:08:33,361 Speaker 2: what does that look like for him? And getting clarity 211 00:08:33,721 --> 00:08:35,801 Speaker 2: on where he sits with all of those things. And 212 00:08:35,841 --> 00:08:38,121 Speaker 2: so I did end up having a conversation with him 213 00:08:38,121 --> 00:08:40,401 Speaker 2: about being like, if it is one or two times 214 00:08:40,441 --> 00:08:42,881 Speaker 2: a year where you know, you just want to have 215 00:08:42,921 --> 00:08:45,401 Speaker 2: a beer or whatever it is, I'm like I could 216 00:08:45,401 --> 00:08:47,361 Speaker 2: probably get around it. I can feel my body is 217 00:08:47,441 --> 00:08:49,721 Speaker 2: resistant to it. Yeah, like I could feel my body 218 00:08:49,801 --> 00:08:51,561 Speaker 2: was like, oh, I'll do it, but I don't really 219 00:08:51,641 --> 00:08:52,001 Speaker 2: want to. 220 00:08:52,521 --> 00:08:55,601 Speaker 1: So in the end, would that have been a non negotiable. 221 00:08:55,241 --> 00:08:57,801 Speaker 2: It is now I saw myself wanting to entertain it 222 00:08:58,041 --> 00:09:00,001 Speaker 2: yeah and just be like okay, cool, I can wanting 223 00:09:00,041 --> 00:09:04,081 Speaker 2: to be adaptable adaptable, adaptable, bendy compromise, Okay, cool, Like 224 00:09:04,161 --> 00:09:05,841 Speaker 2: I can't really tell on what they want to do. 225 00:09:06,401 --> 00:09:08,361 Speaker 1: But now after being out of that, I'm like, it's 226 00:09:08,401 --> 00:09:09,841 Speaker 1: a non negotiable. Yeah. 227 00:09:09,881 --> 00:09:12,081 Speaker 2: Like the next person I call in like, they've got 228 00:09:12,121 --> 00:09:14,321 Speaker 2: to be a non drinker, Like it just is. I 229 00:09:14,361 --> 00:09:17,361 Speaker 2: honestly would find it really challenging to not feel like 230 00:09:17,361 --> 00:09:18,841 Speaker 2: I was on the same page with my partner if 231 00:09:18,841 --> 00:09:19,521 Speaker 2: they were a drinker. 232 00:09:19,681 --> 00:09:22,561 Speaker 1: Yeah, And I feel very similar. I have a bad 233 00:09:22,641 --> 00:09:24,961 Speaker 1: history with not me personally being a drinker, but growing 234 00:09:25,041 --> 00:09:27,401 Speaker 1: up with an abusive stepfather who was an alcoholic. A 235 00:09:27,441 --> 00:09:29,881 Speaker 1: lot of people in my family drink a lot, watch 236 00:09:29,881 --> 00:09:31,881 Speaker 1: a lot of girlfriends go down bad paths. It's just 237 00:09:31,921 --> 00:09:33,001 Speaker 1: I tried to be a drinker. 238 00:09:33,001 --> 00:09:34,801 Speaker 2: I tried to do the social thing, trying to make 239 00:09:34,841 --> 00:09:36,561 Speaker 2: it happen, be the party girl. 240 00:09:36,441 --> 00:09:38,921 Speaker 1: And it just never really worked. I just couldn't get 241 00:09:38,921 --> 00:09:41,801 Speaker 1: into it. So for me now, Steve's only been a 242 00:09:41,841 --> 00:09:44,281 Speaker 1: non drinker now for the last year, but the last 243 00:09:44,321 --> 00:09:46,401 Speaker 1: couple of years he cut back a lot, and not 244 00:09:46,441 --> 00:09:49,281 Speaker 1: that he was ever raging, alcoholicue or anything. And anyone 245 00:09:49,281 --> 00:09:50,921 Speaker 1: that knows Steve, he's a big teddy bear he was 246 00:09:50,961 --> 00:09:53,561 Speaker 1: never mean or abusive or anything. But for me, it 247 00:09:53,681 --> 00:09:56,321 Speaker 1: was a disconnection. And if we ever thought it was 248 00:09:56,361 --> 00:09:58,641 Speaker 1: when he was drinking, because you're not talking to Steve. 249 00:09:58,721 --> 00:10:01,441 Speaker 1: Then I called him Barry. I named him. Really, it 250 00:10:01,481 --> 00:10:03,881 Speaker 1: was like Bazza's here, Baza. I don't want to date 251 00:10:03,921 --> 00:10:07,441 Speaker 1: Bazza Yeasa. It is connecting. It doesn't remember that conversations, 252 00:10:07,481 --> 00:10:09,761 Speaker 1: it's not as deep, and it never felt good. And 253 00:10:09,801 --> 00:10:12,361 Speaker 1: then when he decided, you know what, what am I doing? 254 00:10:12,441 --> 00:10:14,201 Speaker 1: This doesn't serve us, It doesn't serve me, It doesn't 255 00:10:14,241 --> 00:10:16,641 Speaker 1: serve where we want to go. And he hasn't been 256 00:10:16,681 --> 00:10:18,921 Speaker 1: a drinker since, and it's like it deepened our connection 257 00:10:19,201 --> 00:10:21,681 Speaker 1: so much more. I feel so much just I don't 258 00:10:21,721 --> 00:10:23,601 Speaker 1: have say so, right, but I've never felt unsafe with him, 259 00:10:23,601 --> 00:10:26,241 Speaker 1: but it just feels like we're so much more united 260 00:10:26,281 --> 00:10:29,481 Speaker 1: as a team, and I really feel like our values 261 00:10:29,521 --> 00:10:32,001 Speaker 1: truly aligned, and it's just deep in our connection, like 262 00:10:32,001 --> 00:10:34,841 Speaker 1: we're better than we ever have been. And alcohol, yeah, 263 00:10:34,881 --> 00:10:37,441 Speaker 1: it just doesn't fit in with that. It really doesn't. 264 00:10:37,521 --> 00:10:40,081 Speaker 2: I remember around the point where Steve actually stopped drinking, 265 00:10:40,361 --> 00:10:43,161 Speaker 2: and this has been something even in conversation We've had 266 00:10:43,161 --> 00:10:46,121 Speaker 2: many conversations about around how drinking is actually not a 267 00:10:46,161 --> 00:10:48,521 Speaker 2: value of yours, and it was creating this conflict between 268 00:10:48,561 --> 00:10:51,001 Speaker 2: you two. And I remember you being to this point 269 00:10:51,081 --> 00:10:54,361 Speaker 2: where you were like, I'm ready to like walk away 270 00:10:54,401 --> 00:10:57,601 Speaker 2: if I have to. Yeah, if it means this is 271 00:10:57,641 --> 00:11:00,041 Speaker 2: going to continue. Can you share a little bit about 272 00:11:00,041 --> 00:11:01,081 Speaker 2: that if you feel comfortable. 273 00:11:01,201 --> 00:11:04,201 Speaker 1: Yeah. I think after meeting you and hearing your non negotiables, 274 00:11:04,361 --> 00:11:06,921 Speaker 1: And it was an argument that Steve and I had 275 00:11:06,961 --> 00:11:10,921 Speaker 1: around drinking and like, once again, Steve's not a mean 276 00:11:11,001 --> 00:11:13,121 Speaker 1: drunk or anything like if anyone's been around him, he's 277 00:11:13,121 --> 00:11:15,441 Speaker 1: just cool. But for me, being an intimate relationship with 278 00:11:15,521 --> 00:11:18,481 Speaker 1: him and having two young children, it was also a 279 00:11:18,561 --> 00:11:20,841 Speaker 1: value of mine to not have taj or tala c. 280 00:11:21,441 --> 00:11:23,601 Speaker 1: It'd be normal to have a drink when you go 281 00:11:23,681 --> 00:11:25,881 Speaker 1: for date night, when you go for a game of 282 00:11:25,921 --> 00:11:27,761 Speaker 1: golf or at the footy. That I didn't want that 283 00:11:27,801 --> 00:11:30,441 Speaker 1: to be normalized. So just started to become really clear 284 00:11:30,441 --> 00:11:32,361 Speaker 1: for me that this is just not something I want 285 00:11:32,401 --> 00:11:35,841 Speaker 1: in my field. Yeah, and it's always been the biggest 286 00:11:35,881 --> 00:11:39,641 Speaker 1: cause of our arguments. Take that away. We really don't 287 00:11:39,881 --> 00:11:42,201 Speaker 1: argue much. It just made so much sense. So I 288 00:11:42,201 --> 00:11:44,161 Speaker 1: did get to a point where I was like, I 289 00:11:44,161 --> 00:11:45,881 Speaker 1: don't think I want this in my life at all. 290 00:11:46,601 --> 00:11:49,681 Speaker 1: And yeah, it was a really hard conversation, but getting 291 00:11:49,721 --> 00:11:52,721 Speaker 1: through the discomfort, he also was like yeah, and he 292 00:11:52,761 --> 00:11:54,681 Speaker 1: wasn't addicted, so he's like, it's not hard for you 293 00:11:54,721 --> 00:11:56,801 Speaker 1: give up. Yeah, he says there's times where he's like, yeah, 294 00:11:56,921 --> 00:11:58,481 Speaker 1: being at the footy, like a nice cold beer would 295 00:11:58,481 --> 00:12:00,841 Speaker 1: be nice, but it's just not in our field anymore. 296 00:12:00,881 --> 00:12:02,521 Speaker 1: But yeah, did get to a point where I was like, actually, 297 00:12:02,561 --> 00:12:04,921 Speaker 1: don't want this around me at all in my intimate relationship. 298 00:12:05,041 --> 00:12:06,641 Speaker 1: And it's different with friends when they have a glass 299 00:12:06,641 --> 00:12:08,521 Speaker 1: of wine for their birthday. I'm not an inter relationship 300 00:12:08,521 --> 00:12:11,361 Speaker 1: with him me different. It was so normalized for him 301 00:12:11,361 --> 00:12:14,321 Speaker 1: growing up, and he also didn't have a bad relationship 302 00:12:14,321 --> 00:12:16,201 Speaker 1: with it like the man that you were seeing. For him, 303 00:12:16,201 --> 00:12:19,761 Speaker 1: it was always fun and connection with his boys. Adventure 304 00:12:19,921 --> 00:12:23,521 Speaker 1: or positive association has positive associations, which is really something 305 00:12:23,521 --> 00:12:25,841 Speaker 1: helpful that Megs you helped me through as well because 306 00:12:25,881 --> 00:12:29,241 Speaker 1: she'd had a lot of those positive associations with it too, 307 00:12:29,281 --> 00:12:31,481 Speaker 1: so helped me understand where Steve was coming from. Sure, 308 00:12:31,481 --> 00:12:33,721 Speaker 1: because for me, it was all dark energy. It was bad. 309 00:12:33,801 --> 00:12:35,441 Speaker 1: It was like, there's no good in this. 310 00:12:35,681 --> 00:12:37,761 Speaker 2: It's like everything he experienced with your stepdad and all 311 00:12:37,761 --> 00:12:39,241 Speaker 2: of that, it was drinking at home. 312 00:12:39,401 --> 00:12:41,841 Speaker 1: Is that right? And now my relationship when we thought 313 00:12:41,841 --> 00:12:43,681 Speaker 1: it was based around alcohol and that would have been 314 00:12:43,721 --> 00:12:44,441 Speaker 1: so triggering for you. 315 00:12:44,481 --> 00:12:46,641 Speaker 2: It was a little girl who was exposed to that 316 00:12:47,041 --> 00:12:49,321 Speaker 2: and so young and being exposed all of that. 317 00:12:49,321 --> 00:12:51,601 Speaker 1: Then we brought up all of your stuff. Yeah, so 318 00:12:51,841 --> 00:12:53,521 Speaker 1: it's been over a year now he hasn't drank. And 319 00:12:53,521 --> 00:12:54,881 Speaker 1: it wasn't like, oh, if you have a drink again, 320 00:12:54,921 --> 00:12:56,441 Speaker 1: I'm going to divorce you. Yeah, it wasn't like that 321 00:12:56,521 --> 00:12:59,081 Speaker 1: at all. It's just like, hey, it just isn't working 322 00:12:59,081 --> 00:13:00,921 Speaker 1: for me anymore. Like I just don't want in my field. 323 00:13:00,961 --> 00:13:02,721 Speaker 1: When we go to date night or anything, it just 324 00:13:02,721 --> 00:13:05,401 Speaker 1: doesn't feel as connecting. And I love you and I 325 00:13:05,441 --> 00:13:07,721 Speaker 1: love us, and I see a future with us, but 326 00:13:07,801 --> 00:13:10,721 Speaker 1: I don't think I see alcohol being in that. Yeah, 327 00:13:10,801 --> 00:13:12,521 Speaker 1: where are you out with that? You know? Yeah? 328 00:13:12,561 --> 00:13:14,761 Speaker 2: I remember you just feeling so grounded, and that's the 329 00:13:14,801 --> 00:13:16,681 Speaker 2: way that you like even spoke about it. You're just 330 00:13:16,721 --> 00:13:19,161 Speaker 2: so certain, sure, but like grounded and soft in it. 331 00:13:19,361 --> 00:13:21,081 Speaker 2: It was just so beautiful to women. I wanted for 332 00:13:21,121 --> 00:13:23,361 Speaker 2: me with my family, for my relationship with my children. 333 00:13:23,721 --> 00:13:25,961 Speaker 2: And when you had that conversation, it was like not 334 00:13:26,041 --> 00:13:27,281 Speaker 2: an easy decision for him. 335 00:13:27,361 --> 00:13:29,561 Speaker 1: I'm sure it was. He had his own experience, but 336 00:13:29,641 --> 00:13:31,201 Speaker 1: it was like, of course, yeah, he met you there, 337 00:13:31,241 --> 00:13:32,641 Speaker 1: he met me there, he met you there. Yeah, and 338 00:13:32,641 --> 00:13:34,721 Speaker 1: we worked through it together and it's been beautiful ever since. 339 00:13:34,801 --> 00:13:36,961 Speaker 1: And that's not something And I'm not saying we will 340 00:13:37,001 --> 00:13:39,361 Speaker 1: never have a drink again. Like We've even had discussions 341 00:13:39,361 --> 00:13:40,761 Speaker 1: when we go to Europe, I'm like, oh, I wonder 342 00:13:40,801 --> 00:13:43,561 Speaker 1: at a beach club would we want to enjoy a drink? 343 00:13:43,801 --> 00:13:45,041 Speaker 1: I don't know. And every time I've done that, like 344 00:13:45,081 --> 00:13:47,401 Speaker 1: when I've gone to the Maldives of War, I'm like, yeah, 345 00:13:47,441 --> 00:13:48,961 Speaker 1: I'm gonna have a drink by the beach and I 346 00:13:48,961 --> 00:13:52,161 Speaker 1: take one sip and I'm like, I don't even like 347 00:13:52,201 --> 00:13:54,401 Speaker 1: the taste of it. Yeah, And the thought of feeling 348 00:13:54,441 --> 00:13:56,401 Speaker 1: shit the next day, it is not worth it for me. 349 00:13:56,641 --> 00:13:58,881 Speaker 1: I feel you. This conversation has been all around olcoholic. 350 00:13:59,041 --> 00:14:02,601 Speaker 1: I know it gives context to go in depth about it, 351 00:14:02,921 --> 00:14:04,721 Speaker 1: and maybe we could have see on the podcast one 352 00:14:04,761 --> 00:14:06,761 Speaker 1: day to share his experience with it as well. Phys 353 00:14:07,241 --> 00:14:09,401 Speaker 1: his experience with our coho is totally different to mine. 354 00:14:09,441 --> 00:14:12,041 Speaker 1: So once again, in relationships, when you're bringing to people together, 355 00:14:12,481 --> 00:14:14,921 Speaker 1: you're bringing two worlds and trying to make the mesh. 356 00:14:15,001 --> 00:14:18,281 Speaker 1: It takes a lot of conscious, hard conversations and that's 357 00:14:18,281 --> 00:14:20,721 Speaker 1: a beautiful thing about a relationship. And for me, that's 358 00:14:20,761 --> 00:14:23,121 Speaker 1: a successful relationship as one that kind of have those 359 00:14:23,161 --> 00:14:26,801 Speaker 1: conversations and meet together. And what works five years ago 360 00:14:27,081 --> 00:14:29,441 Speaker 1: might not work now. What worked for us when we 361 00:14:29,441 --> 00:14:32,401 Speaker 1: were twenty doesn't work for us now where we're at 362 00:14:32,401 --> 00:14:35,361 Speaker 1: in our lives and with children, it's changed. I've changed, 363 00:14:35,401 --> 00:14:37,841 Speaker 1: and it's important to honor where you're at right now. 364 00:14:38,481 --> 00:14:42,161 Speaker 1: See fo Yeah, love it, that's cool. I love this conversation. 365 00:14:42,361 --> 00:14:47,321 Speaker 1: I know what's our next one one that we really 366 00:14:47,441 --> 00:14:51,041 Speaker 1: talk about often and even in our friendship, in other friendships, 367 00:14:51,201 --> 00:14:55,921 Speaker 1: in any relationship, dynamic actually is full transparency. I feel 368 00:14:55,961 --> 00:14:58,801 Speaker 1: I over communicate with Steve anything that I'm doing, and 369 00:14:58,801 --> 00:15:01,481 Speaker 1: not because he's demanding it. I just like to over 370 00:15:01,681 --> 00:15:04,921 Speaker 1: communicate details and where I'm at and what I'm doing everything, 371 00:15:05,521 --> 00:15:08,681 Speaker 1: so there's never anything missed. If I ever feel like 372 00:15:08,761 --> 00:15:12,041 Speaker 1: someone is not being fully transparent to me, it makes 373 00:15:12,041 --> 00:15:14,481 Speaker 1: me question if something's hidden, and a lot of the 374 00:15:14,481 --> 00:15:17,161 Speaker 1: times there is a hidden detail. So then when there 375 00:15:17,201 --> 00:15:19,201 Speaker 1: is a hidden detail and your evidence of that, it 376 00:15:19,281 --> 00:15:21,761 Speaker 1: creates cracks in the relationship because the trust is now 377 00:15:21,841 --> 00:15:25,201 Speaker 1: not there. If you're hiding that one little detail, what 378 00:15:25,241 --> 00:15:27,921 Speaker 1: else are you hiding? And I understand why people hide 379 00:15:27,921 --> 00:15:29,721 Speaker 1: things I'm guilty of, but I've done it before as well. 380 00:15:29,761 --> 00:15:31,321 Speaker 1: I'm not sitting here in my high hole saying I'm 381 00:15:31,321 --> 00:15:34,001 Speaker 1: perfect and everything. If I've ever done that out of 382 00:15:34,001 --> 00:15:36,081 Speaker 1: fear or someone else has done that to me out 383 00:15:36,121 --> 00:15:38,921 Speaker 1: of fear, once again, there's a crack in the relationship. 384 00:15:39,081 --> 00:15:41,521 Speaker 1: It's not truly connected if you don't have trust and 385 00:15:41,561 --> 00:15:44,521 Speaker 1: safety and that is your foundation. That's not the standard 386 00:15:44,561 --> 00:15:48,041 Speaker 1: of relationship I want in my life anymore. Full transparency 387 00:15:48,121 --> 00:15:52,401 Speaker 1: and consideration to how that will impact me and our 388 00:15:52,441 --> 00:15:56,041 Speaker 1: relationship is so important. Yeah, it's a big one. 389 00:15:56,041 --> 00:15:58,481 Speaker 2: Transparency is a big one because I feel like, obviously 390 00:15:58,561 --> 00:16:01,561 Speaker 2: everyone has different levels of what transparency looks like. 391 00:16:01,681 --> 00:16:02,241 Speaker 1: That's true. 392 00:16:02,281 --> 00:16:04,361 Speaker 2: You know, some people it's a stronger value. Some people 393 00:16:04,361 --> 00:16:06,041 Speaker 2: it's not as strong. Everything that you just said, I 394 00:16:06,121 --> 00:16:08,161 Speaker 2: could not have said it better. You've nailed it on 395 00:16:08,201 --> 00:16:11,961 Speaker 2: the head of Like when you over communicate. It makes 396 00:16:12,001 --> 00:16:14,241 Speaker 2: sure that the relationship is good because you're taking into 397 00:16:14,281 --> 00:16:17,841 Speaker 2: consideration how your transparency is going to create safety in 398 00:16:17,881 --> 00:16:18,521 Speaker 2: the relationship. 399 00:16:18,601 --> 00:16:21,361 Speaker 1: You prevent anything slipping up later or coming up like, oh, well, 400 00:16:21,401 --> 00:16:23,361 Speaker 1: I thought I assumed that you'd be okay with that. 401 00:16:23,481 --> 00:16:25,441 Speaker 1: Why would you ever assume you don't know how I'm 402 00:16:25,441 --> 00:16:28,801 Speaker 1: feeling in that moment. Assuming is the opposite of open communication. 403 00:16:29,241 --> 00:16:31,401 Speaker 1: Should never assume anything you know how they're gonna feel. 404 00:16:31,481 --> 00:16:35,121 Speaker 2: Yeah, the transparency of just letting people know beforehand for anything, 405 00:16:35,321 --> 00:16:37,401 Speaker 2: I feel like it just prevents so much in the relationship. 406 00:16:37,441 --> 00:16:39,601 Speaker 2: And also it shows the other person that it's safe 407 00:16:39,641 --> 00:16:41,881 Speaker 2: and that I mean, at least for me when people 408 00:16:41,961 --> 00:16:44,801 Speaker 2: tell me things and I feel considered in those moments 409 00:16:44,801 --> 00:16:47,321 Speaker 2: of transparency. What it makes me think is like, oh, 410 00:16:47,401 --> 00:16:48,361 Speaker 2: I can trust this person. 411 00:16:48,441 --> 00:16:50,041 Speaker 1: It does create instant trust. 412 00:16:50,121 --> 00:16:52,561 Speaker 2: This person is reliable, this person is going to be consistent. 413 00:16:52,681 --> 00:16:55,561 Speaker 2: So this person has a beautiful qualities about them that 414 00:16:55,801 --> 00:16:58,561 Speaker 2: I know. Yeah, all of those things, And I think 415 00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:01,281 Speaker 2: that's so nice. Like to have transparency just means that, 416 00:17:01,841 --> 00:17:03,881 Speaker 2: especially transparency and hard moments too. 417 00:17:04,121 --> 00:17:05,441 Speaker 1: Yeah, because and you. 418 00:17:05,361 --> 00:17:08,441 Speaker 2: Know, wow, this person absolutely didn't have to have this 419 00:17:08,481 --> 00:17:09,921 Speaker 2: conversation with me, respect me. 420 00:17:09,961 --> 00:17:11,601 Speaker 1: Enough to do it? Yeah, now do it? And they 421 00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:13,840 Speaker 1: don't assume that I can't hold it. Yeah, that's a 422 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:16,241 Speaker 1: big one too. Is like sometimes we get scared to 423 00:17:16,241 --> 00:17:17,920 Speaker 1: tell the full truth because we're scared they won't be 424 00:17:17,921 --> 00:17:19,200 Speaker 1: able to hold it. But like, at least give them 425 00:17:19,241 --> 00:17:22,241 Speaker 1: the opportunity, like who you don't think that they can't 426 00:17:22,241 --> 00:17:23,160 Speaker 1: handle that and hold that. 427 00:17:23,281 --> 00:17:27,201 Speaker 2: It's like disempowering people, yes, to think like the better word, Oh, 428 00:17:27,360 --> 00:17:28,121 Speaker 2: that person's not going. 429 00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:29,120 Speaker 1: To be able to hold her. I don't want to 430 00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:29,881 Speaker 1: hurt their feelings. 431 00:17:29,921 --> 00:17:32,120 Speaker 2: But actually you're just preserving yourself from having to do 432 00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:33,241 Speaker 2: something that feels uncomfortable. 433 00:17:33,321 --> 00:17:37,400 Speaker 1: Yes, can we talk about something? Bring it in? Okay? 434 00:17:37,481 --> 00:17:41,041 Speaker 1: A man that you were dating, Yeah, the day before 435 00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:45,041 Speaker 1: he left for a European holiday? What was he not 436 00:17:45,441 --> 00:17:48,321 Speaker 1: transparent about? And how did we? I say we because 437 00:17:48,321 --> 00:17:50,520 Speaker 1: I was there with you every step of the way. Okay, 438 00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:53,281 Speaker 1: how do we navigate that through? And you just have 439 00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:55,721 Speaker 1: a fucking gold medal for that? Are you open to. 440 00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:59,561 Speaker 2: Tie and open to telling his story? And good lord, 441 00:17:59,561 --> 00:18:00,600 Speaker 2: are you guys ready for the tigu? 442 00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:01,401 Speaker 1: Get your popcorn? 443 00:18:02,281 --> 00:18:09,401 Speaker 2: This was so uncommemfortable challenging and equally like fueled my. 444 00:18:09,481 --> 00:18:11,520 Speaker 1: Rage when you called me and told me, and then 445 00:18:11,521 --> 00:18:13,240 Speaker 1: when I related to Steve, we were both just like, 446 00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:17,280 Speaker 1: what the actual fuck is this man doing? How did 447 00:18:17,321 --> 00:18:19,121 Speaker 1: he ever think this was going to be? Okay? Talk 448 00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:23,000 Speaker 1: about lack a fucking transparency? Oh my god, Okay, and 449 00:18:23,281 --> 00:18:26,480 Speaker 1: rewind you had had a transparency conversation with him the 450 00:18:26,481 --> 00:18:29,001 Speaker 1: week before about something else he wasn't oh about like 451 00:18:29,041 --> 00:18:32,880 Speaker 1: a staff member that he had, oh, the old relationship. 452 00:18:32,921 --> 00:18:35,321 Speaker 2: It was, yes, yes, it was one of his best 453 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:38,481 Speaker 2: friends that he had obviously had been intimate with. 454 00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:41,360 Speaker 1: There was something and didn't tell you, and she works 455 00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:42,920 Speaker 1: in the business and all that sort of stuff. It 456 00:18:42,921 --> 00:18:45,080 Speaker 1: was lack of transparency. So that's when you were like, hey, 457 00:18:45,201 --> 00:18:47,640 Speaker 1: this is really important to me moving forward. Like, I 458 00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:49,281 Speaker 1: guess you didn't know how important this is to me now, 459 00:18:49,281 --> 00:18:52,361 Speaker 1: but moving forward, transparency is really important. Gout any details. 460 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:54,281 Speaker 1: I can handle it, I can hold it. That's what 461 00:18:54,321 --> 00:18:56,120 Speaker 1: I want the foundation of our relationship to be. 462 00:18:56,321 --> 00:18:59,041 Speaker 2: I actually said to him, I would prefer you to 463 00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:01,960 Speaker 2: hurt my feelings in the moment then to not be transparent. 464 00:19:02,281 --> 00:19:04,801 Speaker 2: So just no, even if it's uncomfortable, bring it forward. 465 00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:07,201 Speaker 2: To me, because I will respect you so much more 466 00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:08,920 Speaker 2: if you're just willing to say the hard thing and. 467 00:19:08,921 --> 00:19:11,680 Speaker 1: It won't create cracks of distrust in our relationship. So 468 00:19:11,761 --> 00:19:13,880 Speaker 1: fast forward, It's a day before he flies out for 469 00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:16,761 Speaker 1: a three week European Vaca solo trip. 470 00:19:16,921 --> 00:19:19,681 Speaker 2: This was something that he had booked before we had met, 471 00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:21,961 Speaker 2: So he had told me obviously that he was going 472 00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:23,720 Speaker 2: on a trip, right, but this was something that he 473 00:19:23,801 --> 00:19:25,960 Speaker 2: was looking forward to. He had booked before we were dating, 474 00:19:26,241 --> 00:19:28,640 Speaker 2: paid for all paid for. Yeah, everything was already locked in, 475 00:19:28,721 --> 00:19:31,201 Speaker 2: even all of the exploration trips and all the sorts 476 00:19:31,241 --> 00:19:32,921 Speaker 2: of things, so all of the little in between things 477 00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:34,600 Speaker 2: that he was going to do, everything already. 478 00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:34,961 Speaker 1: Booked and paid. 479 00:19:35,761 --> 00:19:39,001 Speaker 2: And the day before he left, I was at his 480 00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:42,080 Speaker 2: house and we were having dinner, and he so happened 481 00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:44,160 Speaker 2: to slip in there that he. 482 00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:47,201 Speaker 1: Was going with someone, not just anyone, not just anyone, 483 00:19:48,041 --> 00:19:51,961 Speaker 1: A woman, a gorgeous a woman, a European woman. 484 00:19:53,001 --> 00:19:55,001 Speaker 2: Here's the thing, right, he need to be failed to 485 00:19:55,001 --> 00:19:57,000 Speaker 2: mention this at all, right because he I honestly, and 486 00:19:57,041 --> 00:19:58,761 Speaker 2: to be honest, I didn't ask who he was going 487 00:19:58,761 --> 00:20:00,000 Speaker 2: with because he didn't mention anybody. 488 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:01,360 Speaker 1: So he told you it was solo, and he's in 489 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,600 Speaker 1: this business group. Yes, meeting them at a certain occation, 490 00:20:03,721 --> 00:20:05,561 Speaker 1: but the rest was solo. That's right, that's right. 491 00:20:05,681 --> 00:20:08,080 Speaker 2: So he said that he was going to be traveling 492 00:20:08,201 --> 00:20:10,281 Speaker 2: with this group of people, but I just assumed that 493 00:20:10,321 --> 00:20:12,561 Speaker 2: he was going on his own, yeah, as well, And 494 00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:14,761 Speaker 2: then he mentioned that he was actually going to meet 495 00:20:14,961 --> 00:20:17,761 Speaker 2: with this woman overseas who was going to like chaperone 496 00:20:17,801 --> 00:20:20,840 Speaker 2: him around, who he had met through family. So it 497 00:20:20,921 --> 00:20:25,240 Speaker 2: was like, let's say his uncle's wife's cousin or something 498 00:20:25,321 --> 00:20:27,521 Speaker 2: like that, right, so he claimed that she was his 499 00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:30,880 Speaker 2: cousin through marriage or whatever. Yeah, but he failed to 500 00:20:30,921 --> 00:20:34,001 Speaker 2: mention this for months that we were dating. The night 501 00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:36,920 Speaker 2: before he fucking left, he told me, and I was 502 00:20:36,961 --> 00:20:38,640 Speaker 2: just like, what do you mean, Like, you're going with 503 00:20:38,681 --> 00:20:39,121 Speaker 2: another woman. 504 00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:40,840 Speaker 1: He's like, yeah, but she's technically my cousin. I'm like, 505 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:43,321 Speaker 1: what do you mean technically? Who is she? What's her name? Like? 506 00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:45,321 Speaker 2: Tell me about her, like if she's family, like tell 507 00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:47,521 Speaker 2: me And he's like, yeah, I've spent probably like a 508 00:20:47,521 --> 00:20:49,201 Speaker 2: total of like a week with her. I met her 509 00:20:49,201 --> 00:20:52,240 Speaker 2: through you know, my uncle's wife's cousin. That's who she is. 510 00:20:52,360 --> 00:20:54,561 Speaker 2: And you know she just said, if you're ever in overseas, 511 00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:56,880 Speaker 2: like come and I'll show you around. And so he 512 00:20:56,921 --> 00:21:00,200 Speaker 2: booked his trip with the intention to meet her overseas. 513 00:21:00,201 --> 00:21:02,001 Speaker 2: So for the first leg and the last leg of 514 00:21:02,041 --> 00:21:05,841 Speaker 2: his trip, he went to go to Paris, the most 515 00:21:05,921 --> 00:21:09,400 Speaker 2: romantic fucking city in the world, with this woman. They 516 00:21:09,441 --> 00:21:11,400 Speaker 2: didn't stay in the same accommodation, but they were spending 517 00:21:11,441 --> 00:21:14,321 Speaker 2: every day together, going to romantic dinners together. He was 518 00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:18,400 Speaker 2: going to dinners in tuxedos with her, but didn't post anything. 519 00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:21,160 Speaker 1: About it, but she did and yes, we saw. But 520 00:21:21,241 --> 00:21:21,721 Speaker 1: that's the thing. 521 00:21:21,721 --> 00:21:24,080 Speaker 2: I'm like, if it's your cousin, why you're not posting her? Yeah, 522 00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:25,920 Speaker 2: if it's not discreet or something that you have to 523 00:21:25,961 --> 00:21:27,920 Speaker 2: be sneaky about, why would you not post about it? 524 00:21:28,241 --> 00:21:30,321 Speaker 2: And then he was like trying to like reassure me 525 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:32,640 Speaker 2: that it was like nothing like that. And he booked 526 00:21:32,681 --> 00:21:34,480 Speaker 2: it before they had left, and he couldn't hit him 527 00:21:34,481 --> 00:21:36,600 Speaker 2: want to, you know, cancel last minute and all that 528 00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:38,321 Speaker 2: sort of stuff, And I just had to go through 529 00:21:38,360 --> 00:21:41,521 Speaker 2: the motions of like finding out the night before he left, 530 00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:44,001 Speaker 2: then having to deal with it for three weeks while 531 00:21:44,001 --> 00:21:47,120 Speaker 2: he was away, and him constantly knowing that he was 532 00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:49,600 Speaker 2: actively going for breakfast, lunch, and dinner with her every 533 00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:50,161 Speaker 2: single day. 534 00:21:50,241 --> 00:21:52,240 Speaker 1: It wasn't just to show him around a museum. No, 535 00:21:52,321 --> 00:21:54,441 Speaker 1: it wasn't. Yeah, they spent the trip together. They spent 536 00:21:54,481 --> 00:21:55,041 Speaker 1: the trip together. 537 00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:57,160 Speaker 2: It wasn't a one you know, let me take you 538 00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:59,281 Speaker 2: to this museum, like what you just said. It wasn't hey, 539 00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:01,640 Speaker 2: let's meet up once and catch up and then you 540 00:22:01,721 --> 00:22:04,121 Speaker 2: go do your own thing. It was every single day 541 00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:06,080 Speaker 2: they were together. And I was like, what the fuck 542 00:22:06,241 --> 00:22:09,321 Speaker 2: is happening. This is so bizarre that this is even happening. 543 00:22:09,360 --> 00:22:12,280 Speaker 2: I was so triggered. And then the last leg at 544 00:22:12,281 --> 00:22:13,521 Speaker 2: the trip, they ended up cooking worse. 545 00:22:13,921 --> 00:22:14,481 Speaker 1: Oh my god. 546 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:18,281 Speaker 2: They went to Venice and they fucking shared accommodation. And 547 00:22:18,321 --> 00:22:20,761 Speaker 2: I'm like, Okay, this might sound crazy because like he 548 00:22:20,801 --> 00:22:22,480 Speaker 2: claimed that it was his cousin, but I don't believe it. 549 00:22:22,521 --> 00:22:23,920 Speaker 2: I don't believe that it was his cousin because he 550 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:26,321 Speaker 2: didn't really know her. He had spoken to her for 551 00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:29,400 Speaker 2: like a week. They knew each other through association and 552 00:22:29,521 --> 00:22:32,121 Speaker 2: technically related through marriage or whatever, but like, I don't 553 00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:35,721 Speaker 2: call my third cousin's cousin on marriage side, like you don't. 554 00:22:35,801 --> 00:22:38,640 Speaker 1: They're not related. And I remember you saying to him, also, 555 00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:41,400 Speaker 1: how do you feel if I was going to America 556 00:22:41,561 --> 00:22:45,680 Speaker 1: in meeting up with my uncle's wife's brother in law's cousin, 557 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:50,281 Speaker 1: some hot man, some hot who's six six you tan, tall, 558 00:22:50,360 --> 00:22:53,801 Speaker 1: dark hands and muscly young, amazing, how did you feel? 559 00:22:53,801 --> 00:22:56,521 Speaker 1: And he was like absolutely not. Yeah, he mention going 560 00:22:56,521 --> 00:22:58,881 Speaker 1: to Bali and USA and he was on a girl 561 00:22:59,001 --> 00:23:01,041 Speaker 1: ship and he was triggered as far, Oh my god, 562 00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:02,761 Speaker 1: he was trying to convince you not to go. Ker. 563 00:23:02,801 --> 00:23:04,521 Speaker 1: He is on this European baker with this girl that 564 00:23:04,561 --> 00:23:07,440 Speaker 1: you've never met, that he's sharing a combination with that 565 00:23:07,481 --> 00:23:09,640 Speaker 1: I'd never heard of. It was that he told you 566 00:23:09,681 --> 00:23:10,600 Speaker 1: the night before. 567 00:23:10,761 --> 00:23:13,561 Speaker 2: And you know a different story if this person comes 568 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:16,280 Speaker 2: around and it's like someone that they've actively mentioned, you know, like, 569 00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:18,441 Speaker 2: oh my god, by the way, my cousin, she's someone 570 00:23:18,441 --> 00:23:20,561 Speaker 2: I stay with when I go here, you know, blah 571 00:23:20,561 --> 00:23:22,561 Speaker 2: blah blah. And I knew about who this person was, 572 00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:25,400 Speaker 2: but really close, I felt like so blindsided by that 573 00:23:25,481 --> 00:23:27,960 Speaker 2: information that I didn't have time to adjust. And I 574 00:23:28,001 --> 00:23:30,120 Speaker 2: had said to him, if you had just told me 575 00:23:30,201 --> 00:23:33,521 Speaker 2: this months ago when you booked story, and you had 576 00:23:33,561 --> 00:23:35,761 Speaker 2: all of these little things books that you actively knew 577 00:23:35,801 --> 00:23:37,400 Speaker 2: that you were going to be fucking would held the 578 00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:39,561 Speaker 2: information from me. If you had just told me back then, 579 00:23:39,561 --> 00:23:41,360 Speaker 2: I would have been okay with it, or I would 580 00:23:41,360 --> 00:23:43,321 Speaker 2: have had time to talk with you about the triggers 581 00:23:43,321 --> 00:23:45,200 Speaker 2: and things that were coming up for me, and I 582 00:23:45,201 --> 00:23:47,961 Speaker 2: would have felt more comfortable with it based on the transparency. 583 00:23:48,201 --> 00:23:51,041 Speaker 2: But because you've hit it from me now, he actively said, 584 00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:53,200 Speaker 2: I didn't tell you because I thought it might upset you. 585 00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:55,080 Speaker 2: That's when you know you're doing something wrong. 586 00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:57,640 Speaker 1: That's back to this point of non negotiables is a 587 00:23:57,761 --> 00:24:01,161 Speaker 1: lack of transparency. It created so many cracks. That's three 588 00:24:01,201 --> 00:24:02,721 Speaker 1: weeks is awful for you. Oh my god, it was 589 00:24:02,761 --> 00:24:05,520 Speaker 1: so terrible. It was so exhausting. So high props off 590 00:24:05,561 --> 00:24:07,880 Speaker 1: to you really held that so incredibly well. Steve and 591 00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:10,321 Speaker 1: I were like, wow, she is doing amazing. Like, yes, 592 00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:12,720 Speaker 1: you were really triggered, but you still were conscious of 593 00:24:12,761 --> 00:24:15,400 Speaker 1: not ruining his trip, conscious of the conversations that you 594 00:24:15,481 --> 00:24:17,761 Speaker 1: had and held it like wanted him to have a 595 00:24:17,801 --> 00:24:20,840 Speaker 1: good time. Crying at home, like really struggling with this, 596 00:24:20,961 --> 00:24:23,360 Speaker 1: knowing too well that he would not accept you going 597 00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:26,400 Speaker 1: on a girls holiday, let alone, a holiday solo with 598 00:24:26,441 --> 00:24:29,200 Speaker 1: some hot man. Yeah, and she was posting tons of 599 00:24:29,201 --> 00:24:30,761 Speaker 1: photos of them together at these rests. 600 00:24:30,801 --> 00:24:33,400 Speaker 2: She created a highlight of them and all their romantic 601 00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:34,041 Speaker 2: photos and stuff. 602 00:24:34,041 --> 00:24:36,200 Speaker 1: And I'm like, cousin, where anyone listening is going to 603 00:24:36,241 --> 00:24:39,121 Speaker 1: be like, oh my god, they were so one hundred percent. 604 00:24:39,201 --> 00:24:41,561 Speaker 2: But you know what, Like it's the little things guys like, 605 00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:43,680 Speaker 2: and I know you guys will know what I'm talking about. 606 00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:46,600 Speaker 2: Is like he didn't post her at all, didn't post 607 00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:47,401 Speaker 2: anything from the tree. 608 00:24:47,521 --> 00:24:48,241 Speaker 1: Just sounds so dorgeo. 609 00:24:48,360 --> 00:24:52,400 Speaker 2: Nothing saying about loud, didn't post anything, didn't tag her 610 00:24:52,681 --> 00:24:54,321 Speaker 2: when I was on FaceTime with him. 611 00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:56,321 Speaker 1: He was never in the room, never around her, but 612 00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:57,400 Speaker 1: I knew that she was there. 613 00:24:57,561 --> 00:25:00,001 Speaker 2: Yeah, And I'm like, okay, if it was fine and 614 00:25:00,041 --> 00:25:02,801 Speaker 2: a friend or a cousin or family member, hey tit. 615 00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:06,600 Speaker 2: This is da da da Like, never introduced us, never nothing, 616 00:25:06,721 --> 00:25:09,001 Speaker 2: And I'm like, you are shadier shit. Yeah. 617 00:25:09,321 --> 00:25:11,600 Speaker 1: Now I reflect back, I'm like, this story's wild. It's 618 00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:12,281 Speaker 1: so crazy. 619 00:25:12,521 --> 00:25:14,640 Speaker 2: I just like one, I can't even believe that I 620 00:25:14,681 --> 00:25:16,960 Speaker 2: allowed it to happen. I should have known, but I 621 00:25:17,041 --> 00:25:19,840 Speaker 2: was trying so hard to consciously work through it in 622 00:25:19,840 --> 00:25:22,640 Speaker 2: the moment, yes, and work through my own triggers as 623 00:25:22,681 --> 00:25:23,360 Speaker 2: opposed to make. 624 00:25:23,281 --> 00:25:25,440 Speaker 1: It about him. And then once I got back and 625 00:25:25,481 --> 00:25:27,321 Speaker 1: all of the things kind of it crumbled. And a 626 00:25:27,321 --> 00:25:30,640 Speaker 1: beautiful quality about tears. She always is very aware of 627 00:25:30,681 --> 00:25:33,321 Speaker 1: her stuff and wants to take responsibility for what's showing 628 00:25:33,360 --> 00:25:35,721 Speaker 1: up for her, and when she gets triggered, she's like, Okay, cool, 629 00:25:35,721 --> 00:25:37,121 Speaker 1: this is something I need to work on. I need 630 00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:39,680 Speaker 1: to look into and it's so nice and beautiful in 631 00:25:39,721 --> 00:25:41,480 Speaker 1: such an incredible trait that I wish a lot more 632 00:25:41,521 --> 00:25:45,521 Speaker 1: people had. But it's also at your default sometimes overtake responsibility. 633 00:25:45,921 --> 00:25:49,360 Speaker 1: And this was on him, Like, this was not you. Yeah, 634 00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:51,200 Speaker 1: and yes, you got to practice, and I know that 635 00:25:51,241 --> 00:25:53,241 Speaker 1: you've said you're really grateful for practicing being able to 636 00:25:53,241 --> 00:25:55,520 Speaker 1: hold that trigger and also being able to communicate your 637 00:25:55,521 --> 00:25:57,880 Speaker 1: boundaries and be way more clear on like what you 638 00:25:57,921 --> 00:25:59,440 Speaker 1: will and not settle for. 639 00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:02,321 Speaker 2: Yeah, but this was on him. Honestly, it was definitely 640 00:26:02,360 --> 00:26:03,880 Speaker 2: on him. And I had to go through that to 641 00:26:03,961 --> 00:26:05,680 Speaker 2: learn that. Yeah, but you know what I am proud of. 642 00:26:05,721 --> 00:26:08,960 Speaker 2: I'm proud of somebody who actually deserves me to behave 643 00:26:09,001 --> 00:26:09,521 Speaker 2: that way. 644 00:26:09,761 --> 00:26:10,840 Speaker 1: Will get that version of me. 645 00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:12,920 Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, because I've been able to do it 646 00:26:12,961 --> 00:26:13,960 Speaker 2: with people who didn't deserve it. 647 00:26:14,201 --> 00:26:15,801 Speaker 1: Yeah. 648 00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:18,160 Speaker 2: But anyway, that was thanks for holding me through that, 649 00:26:18,201 --> 00:26:19,761 Speaker 2: because that was just a big three week. 650 00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:20,720 Speaker 1: That was a whirlwind. 651 00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:22,880 Speaker 2: It was if I ever want to go through that again, girls, 652 00:26:23,001 --> 00:26:25,120 Speaker 2: if he's telling you that it's his cousins, probably fucking 653 00:26:25,201 --> 00:26:30,361 Speaker 2: not my god, Oh my god, or like the oh way, 654 00:26:30,441 --> 00:26:32,160 Speaker 2: like she's like, my sister, shut the fuck up. 655 00:26:32,441 --> 00:26:36,360 Speaker 1: You're lying. Sorry, no, so true. So that is our 656 00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:39,720 Speaker 1: other non negotiable, So the drinking and the lack of 657 00:26:39,721 --> 00:26:44,041 Speaker 1: transparency because it creates cracks in the relationship, distrust and 658 00:26:44,441 --> 00:26:46,961 Speaker 1: the opposite of open communication, which is something we really 659 00:26:47,041 --> 00:26:49,721 Speaker 1: value in all dynamics, not just intimate relationships. 660 00:26:50,321 --> 00:26:51,920 Speaker 2: We've already kind of touched on this a little bit, 661 00:26:52,001 --> 00:26:53,481 Speaker 2: but we want to kind of bring it in fully. 662 00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:56,481 Speaker 2: Is like the last non negotiable is consideration. 663 00:26:56,600 --> 00:26:58,121 Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, it's so huge. 664 00:26:58,160 --> 00:27:01,161 Speaker 2: Like the partner or anyone in our lives has got 665 00:27:01,201 --> 00:27:04,080 Speaker 2: to have a certain level of consideration for how their 666 00:27:04,120 --> 00:27:07,761 Speaker 2: behavior and choices are going to impact us and who 667 00:27:07,801 --> 00:27:08,481 Speaker 2: we are emotionally. 668 00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:10,961 Speaker 1: Because how you show up, how you speak, the decisions 669 00:27:10,961 --> 00:27:14,321 Speaker 1: you make will have impact on the people in your lives. 670 00:27:14,840 --> 00:27:18,240 Speaker 1: So to have people that don't consider their actions and 671 00:27:18,281 --> 00:27:21,400 Speaker 1: how it will impact you, it's a hard no. 672 00:27:21,961 --> 00:27:24,281 Speaker 2: And you know what, when I think about it, it's 673 00:27:24,321 --> 00:27:27,041 Speaker 2: because I know I can give that. Yeah, I know 674 00:27:27,120 --> 00:27:29,840 Speaker 2: that I'm overly considerate of people, and I like being that. 675 00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:32,680 Speaker 2: I enjoy being that way because it's no longer just 676 00:27:32,721 --> 00:27:34,280 Speaker 2: about me. And don't get me wrong, I have been 677 00:27:34,321 --> 00:27:36,241 Speaker 2: the person who has been so selfish where I did 678 00:27:36,241 --> 00:27:38,840 Speaker 2: not consider anyone outside of myself. Yeah, me too, be 679 00:27:38,961 --> 00:27:42,561 Speaker 2: that girl, right, But being this way makes me feel 680 00:27:42,561 --> 00:27:44,321 Speaker 2: so much more connected to the people that I love. 681 00:27:44,721 --> 00:27:47,281 Speaker 1: And also it's that safety right. 682 00:27:47,481 --> 00:27:50,640 Speaker 2: Yes, sometimes it is hard to adapt to bring somebody 683 00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:53,240 Speaker 2: else into your life and integrate them into your life. Sure, 684 00:27:53,281 --> 00:27:55,361 Speaker 2: but when you are bringing somebody into your life, that's 685 00:27:55,360 --> 00:27:58,600 Speaker 2: your responsibility. It is to take care of them, to 686 00:27:58,681 --> 00:28:01,321 Speaker 2: be kind, to respect them, to think about them, to 687 00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:04,360 Speaker 2: consider them, at least by my standards. No, I love it, 688 00:28:04,561 --> 00:28:06,840 Speaker 2: and you know you would hope that the other person 689 00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:08,600 Speaker 2: would want to do that for you. That's what creates 690 00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:09,880 Speaker 2: safety and relationships. 691 00:28:10,120 --> 00:28:12,041 Speaker 1: I'm with you on that. I once saw a coach online. 692 00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:15,280 Speaker 1: I think it's Preston smiles, and he said that when 693 00:28:15,321 --> 00:28:18,281 Speaker 1: you're with someone your their nervous system is fifty percent 694 00:28:18,281 --> 00:28:20,521 Speaker 1: your responsibility. Were like that. I was like, that is 695 00:28:20,561 --> 00:28:23,480 Speaker 1: so true. When you're that plugged into your intimate partner, 696 00:28:24,041 --> 00:28:26,721 Speaker 1: your actions, your tone, your energy, the way you speak 697 00:28:26,761 --> 00:28:29,041 Speaker 1: to them, how you show up is going to impact them. 698 00:28:29,160 --> 00:28:32,041 Speaker 1: So their nervous system, Like, that's part your responsibility to nurture, 699 00:28:32,321 --> 00:28:35,401 Speaker 1: to soothe, to help to coregulate. That's a beautiful thing 700 00:28:35,441 --> 00:28:38,121 Speaker 1: about relationships is you get to do that together. You 701 00:28:38,121 --> 00:28:40,240 Speaker 1: don't have to do that by yourself. Yeah, And to 702 00:28:40,281 --> 00:28:43,081 Speaker 1: have someone that can do that with you, it's like 703 00:28:43,121 --> 00:28:44,921 Speaker 1: a love language. It's so free, it really is. 704 00:28:44,961 --> 00:28:47,001 Speaker 2: Hey, it's like immediately you want to spend more time 705 00:28:47,041 --> 00:28:49,481 Speaker 2: with that person because you feel so safe in that environment. 706 00:28:49,801 --> 00:28:51,440 Speaker 2: And then on the contrast of that, when you're with 707 00:28:51,521 --> 00:28:53,760 Speaker 2: somebody who doesn't consider you, how triggered are you all 708 00:28:53,761 --> 00:28:54,081 Speaker 2: the time? 709 00:28:54,241 --> 00:28:55,601 Speaker 1: Right? Your nervous system is. 710 00:28:55,601 --> 00:28:59,841 Speaker 2: Activated you next, Yeah, and then you also don't feel 711 00:28:59,881 --> 00:29:03,281 Speaker 2: as cared for, like prioritized and loved. 712 00:29:03,441 --> 00:29:06,321 Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, it just doesn't feel good. So there are 713 00:29:06,321 --> 00:29:09,321 Speaker 1: non negotiables we would love I would love to know 714 00:29:09,521 --> 00:29:11,720 Speaker 1: some of yours. If you guys are in our Facebook forum, 715 00:29:12,121 --> 00:29:14,281 Speaker 1: please head over. Is there a non negotiable? Like maybe 716 00:29:14,321 --> 00:29:18,561 Speaker 1: it's drugs, like recreational drugs. Maybe it's no negotiable to 717 00:29:18,561 --> 00:29:21,321 Speaker 1: have each other's passwords or your locations on their phone. 718 00:29:21,361 --> 00:29:23,401 Speaker 1: I've got a girlfriend who is non negotiable. They have 719 00:29:23,441 --> 00:29:25,961 Speaker 1: to have each other's locations on She wants their full 720 00:29:25,961 --> 00:29:28,161 Speaker 1: transparencies to wear. They're out all the time. I don't 721 00:29:28,201 --> 00:29:30,201 Speaker 1: have that one, but like good, I know, yeah for sure. 722 00:29:30,441 --> 00:29:34,480 Speaker 2: Maybe another non negotiable is no pawn. Yeah, yeah, and 723 00:29:34,681 --> 00:29:36,041 Speaker 2: I'm not far off the girl. 724 00:29:36,361 --> 00:29:39,081 Speaker 1: Yeah, we'd love to know. Should start a little thread 725 00:29:39,121 --> 00:29:40,401 Speaker 1: in the forum. If you're not in there, you can 726 00:29:40,441 --> 00:29:42,881 Speaker 1: just add yourself in. It's just she rises on Facebook. 727 00:29:43,121 --> 00:29:45,281 Speaker 1: We'd love to know. Yeah, let us know. Thanks for 728 00:29:45,321 --> 00:29:47,041 Speaker 1: joining us and we will see you on Friday for 729 00:29:47,121 --> 00:29:49,441 Speaker 1: Freaky Friday. And already bye