WEBVTT - 269. The Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms we don't want to Admit 0:00:05.881 --> 0:00:13.241 Apodjay Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashy 0:00:13.281 --> 0:00:15.201 and I'm Tiana. This podcast is. 0:00:15.201 --> 0:00:18.800 About female empowerment and encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, 0:00:18.801 --> 0:00:20.800 and most authentic version of yourself. 0:00:20.961 --> 0:00:23.281 We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level. 0:00:23.321 --> 0:00:26.241 We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone 0:00:26.281 --> 0:00:27.801 else is too afraid to talk about. 0:00:28.401 --> 0:00:30.761 Get ready for your next level of self. 0:00:31.161 --> 0:00:34.080 Hello, and welcome back to another episode of she Rises. 0:00:34.241 --> 0:00:37.560 We've got Ashally here with me Tiana. For anyone who 0:00:37.601 --> 0:00:40.840 doesn't know us, welcome to she Rises. We talk all 0:00:40.840 --> 0:00:43.641 things personal development, having hard conversations and a lot of 0:00:43.641 --> 0:00:46.921 conversations that people don't enjoy, kind of diving deep into 0:00:47.281 --> 0:00:50.401 think personal development, growth forward focused and actually moving the 0:00:50.480 --> 0:00:51.601 needle forward in your life. 0:00:51.681 --> 0:00:53.641 So today's episode is going to be all. 0:00:53.521 --> 0:00:57.161 About understanding like your coping mechanisms and understanding if there's 0:00:57.161 --> 0:00:58.881 any cheeky ones that are playing out in your life 0:00:58.921 --> 0:01:01.241 right now and ones that have actually showed up for us, 0:01:01.281 --> 0:01:03.840 and how we choose to move through them. So you 0:01:03.881 --> 0:01:06.281 might learn something about yourself in this episode. But before 0:01:06.281 --> 0:01:07.840 we get stuck into it, and we'll do a share 0:01:07.840 --> 0:01:08.201 of the week. 0:01:08.321 --> 0:01:08.961 What's your what's. 0:01:08.881 --> 0:01:12.080 Actually mine is all shameless plug, but my hair masks 0:01:12.081 --> 0:01:13.840 that I use every week. Now, I've been getting so 0:01:13.840 --> 0:01:16.681 many conflimenents with my hair lately, and I am so 0:01:16.761 --> 0:01:19.000 consistent with a hair mask. I do it every single week, 0:01:19.041 --> 0:01:20.841 once a week, sometimes twice week if I'm going to 0:01:20.920 --> 0:01:22.560 wash my hair twice week, but normally it's only once. 0:01:23.000 --> 0:01:24.801 But yeah, it's the high Dowa hair mask. Comes in 0:01:24.801 --> 0:01:27.801 all the different fragrances, but it's just so nourishing. My 0:01:27.840 --> 0:01:31.601 hair has never felt healthier, stronger. When I was blonde, 0:01:31.681 --> 0:01:33.680 my ends would grow out, but they'd be all split 0:01:33.761 --> 0:01:36.081 and dry and thin, whereas my ends are just as 0:01:36.121 --> 0:01:38.041 thick as the rest of my hair. Yeah, and my 0:01:38.081 --> 0:01:39.360 hair is just absolutely thriving. 0:01:39.560 --> 0:01:41.881 Yeah, it is very long now, she's thriving. 0:01:42.000 --> 0:01:45.241 He's getting so good. Yeah, that's my little plug, A 0:01:45.280 --> 0:01:48.881 high Doay hair mask. If you want healthier, shinier, stronger hair. 0:01:48.801 --> 0:01:51.481 Have used it before, can confirm ver nad is very good, 0:01:51.841 --> 0:01:55.721 very good. Mine is actually a TV series that actually recommended. 0:01:55.841 --> 0:01:58.281 It's called I Will Find You So Good. You're going 0:01:58.361 --> 0:01:59.681 to sit on the edge of your seat while you're 0:01:59.681 --> 0:02:01.761 watching it. It's very short and sweet. It's only about 0:02:01.761 --> 0:02:04.401 eight episodes, so yeah, you will be done in about 0:02:04.401 --> 0:02:07.321 a week or maybe if you bringe to I feel like, yeah, 0:02:07.681 --> 0:02:09.601 it depends what you're like. H I don't want to 0:02:09.601 --> 0:02:11.361 give it away, but honestly, you should go watch it. 0:02:11.361 --> 0:02:13.400 It will spark your interest in a way where you 0:02:13.441 --> 0:02:16.561 have to really think about what's happening next and who 0:02:16.601 --> 0:02:19.240 the character is and how the story is going to unfold. 0:02:19.680 --> 0:02:22.481 And I don't no, you have to be very locked 0:02:22.520 --> 0:02:25.120 in you want to be. It sucks you in from 0:02:25.161 --> 0:02:27.881 the very beginning. So yeah, that was really cool. I 0:02:27.881 --> 0:02:29.840 don't normally watch things like that because I try to 0:02:29.841 --> 0:02:31.841 stay away from anything that might be a little bit scary, 0:02:31.960 --> 0:02:33.840 but this one is not, Like, it's not gory, it's 0:02:33.841 --> 0:02:37.081 not mystery. Yeah, mystery is figuring it out a little bit, 0:02:37.121 --> 0:02:38.161 crying a little bit mystery. 0:02:38.321 --> 0:02:40.001 Yeah, it is a good one. I really enjoyed that. 0:02:40.281 --> 0:02:43.161 I was so glad you watched it. Well written storyline, yeah, 0:02:43.161 --> 0:02:45.960 that's for sure. Harland Corbyn, Yes, his director, he's got 0:02:45.960 --> 0:02:47.400 like twelve one Netflix are really good. 0:02:47.441 --> 0:02:48.800 Yeah, I gotta watch to the next ones. 0:02:48.921 --> 0:02:52.601 Yes. Alright, So today we're talking about coping mechanisms, which 0:02:52.641 --> 0:02:54.841 I think we all have. There's so many. So what 0:02:54.921 --> 0:02:57.081 is a coping mechanism. It's something that you use to 0:02:57.161 --> 0:03:01.881 cope with your uncomfortable emotions or feelings. So we'll list 0:03:01.921 --> 0:03:03.960 off a few and then we'll talk about our personal ones. 0:03:04.001 --> 0:03:06.840 I've been showing up recently because I definitely have one. 0:03:07.121 --> 0:03:09.521 But it could be you cope with food, you cope 0:03:09.520 --> 0:03:15.720 with alcohol, sex, drugs, porn, scrolling dope mean hits, relationships, 0:03:16.121 --> 0:03:21.721 just different distractions, spending money over exercising, some people binging 0:03:21.721 --> 0:03:26.201 TV series, Mine is shopping. I love this as a distraction. 0:03:26.561 --> 0:03:29.601 Definitely not healthy, not necessary. Could spend my money on 0:03:29.680 --> 0:03:32.720 other more productive things. And it's not even like expensive 0:03:32.721 --> 0:03:35.721 designer things. It'll just be like scrolling a clothing website 0:03:35.761 --> 0:03:38.601 because I rather do that than scroll like TikTok or 0:03:38.641 --> 0:03:40.681 Instagram and just spend them. Now I don't even know 0:03:40.721 --> 0:03:43.361 what I'm consuming. I really enjoy shopping that dope mean 0:03:43.441 --> 0:03:45.481 Hit and the colors and how I'm going to style things, 0:03:45.521 --> 0:03:48.081 and even going to a shopping center. Yeah, because it's 0:03:48.121 --> 0:03:50.401 like a different environment. It changes my state. But it's 0:03:50.641 --> 0:03:53.801 unnecessary spending and I'm aware of it sometimes, Like sometimes 0:03:53.841 --> 0:03:55.521 I'll go to the car and go to pay, and 0:03:55.561 --> 0:03:58.241 then have that conversation with myself, like do you actually 0:03:58.401 --> 0:04:01.001 really need or want these? Or is that you're trying 0:04:01.041 --> 0:04:03.361 to avoid something that's coming up right now? And then 0:04:03.401 --> 0:04:05.721 sometimes if I'm trying to avoid, I will literally have 0:04:05.721 --> 0:04:07.681 that conversation myself and go, I'm going to do this 0:04:07.721 --> 0:04:10.121 for fifteen minutes because I'm not quite ready to sit 0:04:10.161 --> 0:04:12.361 with it yet, and I'm going to park it to 0:04:12.401 --> 0:04:14.561 the side because I'm not ready and I will address 0:04:14.561 --> 0:04:16.681 it soon, but right now I don't want to. I'll 0:04:16.721 --> 0:04:19.161 like allow myself that time and space, like I talk 0:04:19.201 --> 0:04:21.481 about having the pity party, allow myself to shop for 0:04:21.521 --> 0:04:24.121 a bit, yeah, and sometimes don't actually purchase, but enjoy 0:04:24.161 --> 0:04:27.721 the process, the windows shoving, And then sometimes I do 0:04:27.761 --> 0:04:29.881 when the order comes, I'm like, wow, you didn't need that. 0:04:30.361 --> 0:04:33.640 I absolutely did not need that, funny, but it's so pretty. 0:04:35.081 --> 0:04:38.440 And I will look good wearing it. What I do 0:04:39.041 --> 0:04:41.681 mine is I just want to like stay before and 0:04:41.961 --> 0:04:43.121 I have a good relationship with. 0:04:43.081 --> 0:04:44.161 Food, very healthy. 0:04:44.281 --> 0:04:49.681 Yeah, And I find that sometimes I spend money on 0:04:49.801 --> 0:04:52.880 food when I'm avoiding feeling something. So it's not like 0:04:52.921 --> 0:04:55.041 I'm going out and binging and like you know, eating 0:04:55.121 --> 0:04:57.281 heaps of like shit food and make myself like a 0:04:57.320 --> 0:04:59.640 chocolate or like I'm not doing I'm doing. 0:04:59.481 --> 0:05:00.200 It within reason. 0:05:00.281 --> 0:05:03.521 It's nothing eating, no, but it's like I go out 0:05:03.561 --> 0:05:05.241 and eat a meal that like I really I want 0:05:05.281 --> 0:05:07.001 to eat, but it's like it gets to a point 0:05:07.041 --> 0:05:09.241 where I know it's unproductive. I'm doing it all the 0:05:09.281 --> 0:05:11.161 time I have a bad feeling, you know, or I 0:05:11.241 --> 0:05:12.520 like have something come up for me, and I'm like, 0:05:12.521 --> 0:05:14.041 you know, obviously I'm really busy and doing all the things, 0:05:14.041 --> 0:05:15.721 and I'm like, you know, maybe I'll just go like 0:05:16.241 --> 0:05:18.681 fucking get a steak or something and like feel the 0:05:18.761 --> 0:05:21.801 dopamine from eating that meal instead of addressing the thing 0:05:21.841 --> 0:05:25.041 that's coming up for me. And so I notice myself 0:05:25.041 --> 0:05:26.721 like when I really can see it in my like 0:05:26.801 --> 0:05:28.521 weekly habits, like if I do it like a couple 0:05:28.601 --> 0:05:30.481 of times, I'm like, oh, Okay, something is coming up 0:05:30.521 --> 0:05:32.961 for me that I'm not addressing. Yeah, but I'm choosing 0:05:32.961 --> 0:05:35.281 to go buy food instead and like eat out instead 0:05:35.281 --> 0:05:36.801 of you know, eating the food I have at home 0:05:36.880 --> 0:05:39.281 that I know that I have at home because I 0:05:39.320 --> 0:05:41.401 want to make myself feel better and like going out 0:05:41.401 --> 0:05:43.281 and enjoying a meal is like almost like a love 0:05:43.361 --> 0:05:45.121 language for me. I love doing it with the people 0:05:45.121 --> 0:05:47.601 that I love. Yeah, I also love doing it by myself. Yeah, 0:05:48.241 --> 0:05:50.320 it's like my quiet time. I can like go sit 0:05:50.361 --> 0:05:52.561 by myself and eat a meal. And like some would 0:05:52.601 --> 0:05:54.760 say that that's productive, but also when i know that 0:05:54.801 --> 0:05:57.320 I'm doing it excessively, I'm like, Okay, that's not productive. 0:05:57.561 --> 0:05:59.561 And if I know I'm doing it to avoid emotions, 0:05:59.641 --> 0:06:00.921 that's also not productive. 0:06:02.081 --> 0:06:04.281 In a previous episode, I loved how you spoke about 0:06:04.401 --> 0:06:07.161 giving up our whole and that was a coping mechanism 0:06:07.201 --> 0:06:10.121 for you to avoid the feelings of the sexual shame. 0:06:10.721 --> 0:06:13.080 I'm guessing was that way harder to give up that 0:06:13.121 --> 0:06:16.721 coping mechanism. If you think about now with food and 0:06:16.801 --> 0:06:18.481 you have that conscious thought of like I'm going to 0:06:18.521 --> 0:06:20.281 go eat, do you have control of it? 0:06:20.521 --> 0:06:20.921 Yeah? 0:06:21.001 --> 0:06:22.841 Whereas with the alcohol, was that I'm guessing it would 0:06:22.880 --> 0:06:23.561 be a lot harder. 0:06:23.641 --> 0:06:25.721 The alcohol is a lot harder and it took out 0:06:25.841 --> 0:06:28.681 much longer, whereas now, like even just talking about it, 0:06:28.681 --> 0:06:30.440 I'm like, I'm aware that I do it, yeah, so 0:06:30.521 --> 0:06:33.440 that I enjoy doing it, yes, you know, because i 0:06:33.521 --> 0:06:34.760 know I'm not binging or anything. 0:06:34.761 --> 0:06:37.320 Like that, so I know it's not negatively impacting me, 0:06:37.401 --> 0:06:38.640 but like this is a money leak. 0:06:38.841 --> 0:06:41.241 Yeah, money, I'm like, oh, do I need to spend that? 0:06:41.320 --> 0:06:44.481 Probably not Emma going to Yes, yeah, but I'm like 0:06:44.521 --> 0:06:45.561 I could clean it up for sure. 0:06:45.761 --> 0:06:48.241 Yes, same with me, Yeah, clean it up. It's just awareness. 0:06:48.281 --> 0:06:50.601 It's like there's no shame here. But once again, we 0:06:50.641 --> 0:06:52.841 want to have this conversation because maybe you're not aware 0:06:52.921 --> 0:06:55.401 of what your coping mechanism is. And it's the same 0:06:55.440 --> 0:06:57.681 with you know, a you that person that says I 0:06:57.681 --> 0:06:59.840 don't have time to excite, that I have time to meditate, 0:06:59.880 --> 0:07:02.241 but you're scrolling for an hour every night. That is 0:07:02.281 --> 0:07:05.400 you distracting yourself from what's really going on or the 0:07:05.440 --> 0:07:06.801 hard thing that you know you need to do, or 0:07:06.841 --> 0:07:08.601 the hard conversation you've got to have, or what you've 0:07:08.601 --> 0:07:10.441 got to sit with, or what you've got to clean up, 0:07:10.561 --> 0:07:13.081 whatever it is. That's a way that you cope or 0:07:13.121 --> 0:07:15.761 avoid doing something or feeling something hard. 0:07:15.961 --> 0:07:18.161 If you're listening to this and you're like, oh my gosh, yes, 0:07:18.241 --> 0:07:19.841 I know that I'm currently doing that, but I'm not 0:07:19.881 --> 0:07:22.601 doing anything about it, it's also okay, Like it's okay, 0:07:22.641 --> 0:07:24.721 to have something come up for you that you're not 0:07:24.801 --> 0:07:27.641 yet ready to face and you feel overwhelmed by. I 0:07:27.641 --> 0:07:30.641 think every single one of us, us, both included and 0:07:30.841 --> 0:07:34.041 you listening to, is going through something that you probably 0:07:34.081 --> 0:07:36.361 don't talk about, that no one knows about, that is 0:07:36.401 --> 0:07:37.921 kind of sitting on your chest, or that is a 0:07:37.921 --> 0:07:39.641 previous thing that you've been holding and caring for a 0:07:39.641 --> 0:07:43.001 really long time, and it's fucking uncomfortable. Can we just 0:07:43.041 --> 0:07:45.121 acknowledge and just be okay that we're going to feel 0:07:45.161 --> 0:07:48.401 really hard things sometimes, and we do things because we 0:07:48.561 --> 0:07:52.361 want to feel better, but sometimes it's unproductive because we're 0:07:52.361 --> 0:07:54.641 doing it to feel better in the moment instead of 0:07:54.641 --> 0:07:56.961 doing it to feel better in the long term. Yeah, 0:07:56.961 --> 0:07:59.321 that's the conversation you get to have with yourself. Like 0:07:59.361 --> 0:08:02.201 even with me with the drinking, the conversation I had 0:08:02.201 --> 0:08:04.841 with myself was do I want to still be doing 0:08:04.841 --> 0:08:07.521 this five years from now? I was eighteen years old 0:08:07.561 --> 0:08:09.481 and I was surrounded by people who are in their forties, 0:08:09.881 --> 0:08:12.641 still getting on it, still drinking, still partying all weekend, 0:08:12.641 --> 0:08:14.401 and I'm like, do I really want that for myself? 0:08:14.481 --> 0:08:14.681 No? 0:08:14.801 --> 0:08:15.481 Absolutely not. 0:08:15.721 --> 0:08:19.161 Yeah, you know, so it's like that hard conversation with Hey, 0:08:19.841 --> 0:08:21.921 I love you, I see you. I know you're like 0:08:21.961 --> 0:08:24.401 struggling and I know you're going through something, but it's 0:08:24.441 --> 0:08:25.601 also okay to feel it too. 0:08:25.801 --> 0:08:26.121 Yeah. 0:08:26.241 --> 0:08:27.841 I think that's what we really get scared of, is 0:08:27.841 --> 0:08:30.280 like actually feeling what's underneath all of these coping mechanisms. 0:08:30.321 --> 0:08:32.921 It's going to come up. Yeah, same with like sitting still. Hey, 0:08:32.961 --> 0:08:34.321 we're scared of what's going to come up or what 0:08:34.361 --> 0:08:36.761 we're going to realize or decide. Even us, we've been 0:08:36.761 --> 0:08:39.081 like having conversations like big decisions we've got to make, 0:08:39.121 --> 0:08:41.201 but we know if we sit still for a moment, 0:08:41.281 --> 0:08:43.361 it'll probably come up. But sometimes we're like, oh, I'm 0:08:43.361 --> 0:08:45.201 not quite ready to go there yet. It's going to 0:08:45.361 --> 0:08:46.881 give myself a bit more time, and. 0:08:46.801 --> 0:08:49.081 Like, come on, all of our lives are so busy. 0:08:49.281 --> 0:08:51.041 Yeah, I really is so busy. 0:08:51.201 --> 0:08:53.281 Like we do not have a like I mean, most 0:08:53.321 --> 0:08:56.641 people if feeling their time or they are so busy 0:08:56.641 --> 0:08:59.281 with the responsibility that they have minimal time and then 0:08:59.281 --> 0:09:01.641 they fill their time with other things. So the little 0:09:01.641 --> 0:09:04.441 micromembers that they do have, they're not sitting in stillness. Yeah, 0:09:04.601 --> 0:09:06.801 you just get used to that lifestyle of being busy 0:09:06.801 --> 0:09:08.361 on the go all the time that you're like, fuck, 0:09:08.401 --> 0:09:09.801 I don't even remember what it feels like to. 0:09:09.721 --> 0:09:11.761 Sit in my own thoughts. Yeah, and then you do, 0:09:11.881 --> 0:09:13.041 and then you get scared of it and you run 0:09:13.081 --> 0:09:15.761 away from it because it's overloading and it like bombards you. 0:09:15.881 --> 0:09:18.161 And yeah, I think it adds up over time, and 0:09:18.161 --> 0:09:20.561 there's always consequences to her actions and decisions. I had 0:09:20.601 --> 0:09:24.161 a girlfriend once who her coping mechanism was turning to men. Yeah, 0:09:24.201 --> 0:09:26.201 she was just sleeping around all the time, just wanted 0:09:26.201 --> 0:09:30.201 the validation, wanted the comfort, wanted the attention, and yeah, 0:09:30.241 --> 0:09:31.841 it was like fun and games for a while, but 0:09:31.881 --> 0:09:33.721 then she kind of got addicted to that and she 0:09:33.761 --> 0:09:37.441 felt so worthless by herself and felt like she needed it. 0:09:37.481 --> 0:09:39.321 And then she started to feel used by these men. 0:09:39.361 --> 0:09:40.881 But she was the one that kept putting herself out 0:09:40.881 --> 0:09:43.201 there and allowing it. And I remember when she got 0:09:43.201 --> 0:09:45.241 to a point where she's like, Wow, this is a 0:09:45.281 --> 0:09:47.201 me problem. I actually need to clean up my own 0:09:47.281 --> 0:09:49.361 behavior if I want to stop feeling used and feeling 0:09:49.361 --> 0:09:50.841 like a piece of meat and feeling like that's all 0:09:50.841 --> 0:09:54.001 they want me for. I'm allowing it and literally allowing 0:09:54.001 --> 0:09:55.321 it because I get something out. 0:09:55.201 --> 0:09:56.721 Of this serial data. 0:09:56.841 --> 0:09:59.961 Yeah, yeah, so that's cool. It's like, once again, no 0:10:00.081 --> 0:10:03.321 shame here, but just hopefully this conversation sparks some curiosity 0:10:03.361 --> 0:10:06.161 within yourself, like do I have a coping mechanism? Is 0:10:06.201 --> 0:10:09.041 it healthy? Is it productive? Is it actually okay right 0:10:09.041 --> 0:10:10.801 now to cope like that? But then what's going to 0:10:10.801 --> 0:10:12.761 be the long term impact? And do I feel strong 0:10:12.841 --> 0:10:14.881 enough to break that? Or is this an addiction? Yes? 0:10:15.161 --> 0:10:16.521 And that's cool distinction to make. 0:10:16.561 --> 0:10:19.441 Like even the ones that we mentioned were quite lighthearted, 0:10:19.521 --> 0:10:22.441 cuting mechanisms, right, but if we talk about something like 0:10:22.481 --> 0:10:24.481 a little bit deeper, like what with the drinking, that 0:10:24.641 --> 0:10:26.841 was a much more challenging one. And that's like when 0:10:26.881 --> 0:10:29.521 it's the question of okay, this is bordering addiction. Is 0:10:29.561 --> 0:10:32.481 this detrimental to me versus you know, like say like 0:10:32.521 --> 0:10:34.161 a couple months ago, I can't even remember what I 0:10:34.201 --> 0:10:36.801 was going through, but just feeling quite heavy emotionally and 0:10:36.841 --> 0:10:39.721 being like I am aware that I'm scrolling for an 0:10:39.721 --> 0:10:42.001 hour before bed at night, Like I'm aware that I'm 0:10:42.001 --> 0:10:45.401 doing that, and it's like, am I shameful about it? No? 0:10:45.561 --> 0:10:46.681 Do I know it's unproductive? 0:10:46.841 --> 0:10:47.081 Yes? 0:10:47.361 --> 0:10:48.921 Can I do something else in my time. 0:10:49.041 --> 0:10:52.881 Absolutely, and then in that season it was like almost 0:10:52.921 --> 0:10:54.321 like that will always getting me through. It was like 0:10:54.321 --> 0:10:57.281 this little dopamine hit of like I love conspiracy theories, 0:10:57.641 --> 0:10:59.161 so I'm like sitting in bed and I'm like, what's 0:10:59.201 --> 0:11:01.401 the next conspiracy? And I'm over here like, yes, I know, 0:11:01.481 --> 0:11:03.401 my emotions feel really heavy right now, but I want 0:11:03.401 --> 0:11:04.161 to watch this video. 0:11:04.321 --> 0:11:04.601 Yeah. 0:11:05.121 --> 0:11:08.241 So it's like not a necessarily unproductive thing. Yeah, if 0:11:08.281 --> 0:11:10.641 I do it for a long period of time, hell yeah, 0:11:10.681 --> 0:11:13.281 it'll be unproductive and not good for my mental state. 0:11:13.561 --> 0:11:17.001 It's I'm avoiding myself. But like I think, sometimes we 0:11:17.081 --> 0:11:19.001 do things to help us get through the season that 0:11:19.001 --> 0:11:21.241 we're in, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that, 0:11:21.401 --> 0:11:23.161 so long as you don't continue to do that. 0:11:23.361 --> 0:11:27.201 Yes, I had a girlfriend once too, ages ago, and 0:11:27.561 --> 0:11:29.921 her partner used to wink off a lot because that 0:11:30.041 --> 0:11:33.321 was his stress relief. Yeah. I remember at the start like, oh, yeah, 0:11:33.321 --> 0:11:34.721 it does it quite a bit, but it ah. But 0:11:34.761 --> 0:11:36.521 then as time went on, it's like he doesn't want 0:11:36.521 --> 0:11:38.321 to have sex with me. Now, he can't come when 0:11:38.321 --> 0:11:41.001 we're intimate because he's using his hands so much. They 0:11:41.001 --> 0:11:42.721 call it. I learned this from her. They call it 0:11:42.801 --> 0:11:45.361 death grip. Yes, I've heard of that. Yeah, but because 0:11:45.401 --> 0:11:47.841 the grip on the hand is so so tight, so 0:11:47.961 --> 0:11:50.641 tight on their cock that then like a pussy doesn't 0:11:50.641 --> 0:11:52.401 feel great and they can't get off on it. So 0:11:52.441 --> 0:11:54.481 then she started to feel like I'm not good enough, 0:11:54.521 --> 0:11:56.041 You're not turned on by me, and it became a 0:11:56.081 --> 0:11:59.761 real problem, and he was legitimately addicted to pawn and 0:11:59.801 --> 0:12:02.201 addicted to getting off multiple times a day, so it 0:12:02.241 --> 0:12:06.280 impacted their relationship and they broke up, like fuck the relationship. 0:12:06.321 --> 0:12:09.281 So you can see how an unhealthy coping mechanism can 0:12:09.321 --> 0:12:11.361 have huge consequences if you're not aware of it and 0:12:11.361 --> 0:12:14.121 you don't catch it early enough. Yeah, yeah, don't do 0:12:14.161 --> 0:12:16.321 the work to break it, which would be really uncomfortable. 0:12:16.361 --> 0:12:17.881 But that was really sad to see because they had 0:12:17.881 --> 0:12:19.881 a great relationship and they loved each other so much. 0:12:19.961 --> 0:12:22.521 But she's like, I can't keep coming second best to 0:12:22.921 --> 0:12:26.201 his hand. I'm missing out intimacy, connection and feeling desired 0:12:26.241 --> 0:12:29.081 and wanted, like this isn't it for me? Yeah, it's 0:12:29.121 --> 0:12:30.001 really sad. It's tough. 0:12:30.041 --> 0:12:31.681 I feel like a lot of women struggle with that 0:12:31.761 --> 0:12:34.721 because of porn and yeah, of men's relationship to it 0:12:34.841 --> 0:12:37.521 women too, Yeah, sure not men are the only ones. 0:12:37.761 --> 0:12:39.721 Yeah, I'm in a forum on Facebook. It's like a 0:12:39.761 --> 0:12:41.521 relationship for them people all around the world. I think 0:12:41.521 --> 0:12:42.881 it's an American one. I didn't know how I got 0:12:42.881 --> 0:12:45.321 in there, but I would say like ninety percent of 0:12:45.321 --> 0:12:48.801 the posts in there are around porn. Wow, huge porn 0:12:48.801 --> 0:12:51.841 and affairs. Yeah wow. Yeah, it's really sad. 0:12:52.041 --> 0:12:54.601 Men too, Like obviously we had a conversation similar in 0:12:54.641 --> 0:12:58.041 another previous episode around how men it's not normalized for 0:12:58.081 --> 0:13:00.041 them to talk about things, yes, whereas like women, we 0:13:00.121 --> 0:13:00.761 lean on each other. 0:13:00.881 --> 0:13:01.361 So true. 0:13:01.401 --> 0:13:04.001 We have support, We've got our sisters, we've got you know, 0:13:04.041 --> 0:13:07.121 we can Yeah, we can load, unload, we process through 0:13:07.161 --> 0:13:07.761 things together. 0:13:08.121 --> 0:13:08.961 Men not so much. 0:13:09.521 --> 0:13:12.401 Only now in these generations has it become more normalized 0:13:12.441 --> 0:13:16.921 and the younger generations for men to want for community, 0:13:17.121 --> 0:13:19.481 need for community, and actually start to like have like 0:13:19.521 --> 0:13:22.881 a brotherhood. So I think it's really special. But also 0:13:22.921 --> 0:13:24.921 it doesn't take away the bit of a pandemic of 0:13:25.001 --> 0:13:26.601 men not having anywhere to turn to. 0:13:26.881 --> 0:13:30.361 So true, they say women's nervous system instantly like lowers 0:13:30.401 --> 0:13:33.161 our stress levels, lower our quarters or lowers as soon 0:13:33.201 --> 0:13:35.961 as we start unloading to another female feel that. Yeah, 0:13:37.161 --> 0:13:40.601 I instantly feel like just I can take a breath, 0:13:40.721 --> 0:13:42.401 you know, I don't have to carry that alone. Yeah 0:13:42.641 --> 0:13:43.241 it was heavy. 0:13:43.401 --> 0:13:45.201 Yeah, it's a powerful thing to be able to like 0:13:45.481 --> 0:13:48.001 talk through things. But men don't have that, and maybe 0:13:48.001 --> 0:13:50.921 that is their outlet, especially because they're predisposed to being 0:13:51.201 --> 0:13:55.841 more visual beings and predominantly more physical in terms of 0:13:55.881 --> 0:13:56.641 their desires. 0:13:57.201 --> 0:13:59.521 That makes sense from what I read too. It just 0:13:59.521 --> 0:14:02.761 sets out such an unrealistic expectation for the bedroom, what 0:14:02.801 --> 0:14:04.761 it's meant to be like when they watch porn clips. 0:14:05.081 --> 0:14:06.241 It's just not like that in reality. 0:14:06.281 --> 0:14:08.961 Oh my god, I experienced that my last relationship. 0:14:09.361 --> 0:14:10.521 Yeah, that's not nice. 0:14:10.561 --> 0:14:13.121 There's a difference between, you know, being intimate with your 0:14:13.121 --> 0:14:16.561 partner and wanting to connect versus wanting to perform. And 0:14:16.601 --> 0:14:20.561 I've been with men who want to connect emotionally, mentally 0:14:20.601 --> 0:14:23.481 and in terms of like intimacy versus the man who 0:14:23.601 --> 0:14:26.481 wants to perform, Like what a porn video would look like. 0:14:26.681 --> 0:14:29.361 When you say performers, it like the noises, actions and 0:14:29.401 --> 0:14:31.001 positions like, what do you mean. 0:14:31.601 --> 0:14:34.121 Yeah, it's the way that it's done. It's the lead 0:14:34.201 --> 0:14:37.201 up it's the energy. It's more rough. It's not like 0:14:37.241 --> 0:14:38.281 he's taking care of me. 0:14:38.521 --> 0:14:40.441 The experience. Yeah, it's a. 0:14:40.361 --> 0:14:42.481 Bit of the energy of like, oh, you're a slut 0:14:42.761 --> 0:14:46.281 and I'm like, right, this is an exchange kind of thing. 0:14:46.561 --> 0:14:49.641 It's more of like I'm performing in terms of it's 0:14:49.681 --> 0:14:53.121 more rough, it's more audible, it's like put on a 0:14:53.161 --> 0:14:56.561 sound for me instead of like actually enjoying it and connecting. 0:14:57.081 --> 0:15:01.161 And it's not as genuine softening that it's performative, which 0:15:01.201 --> 0:15:04.481 is not genuine. So I think the difference even between 0:15:04.481 --> 0:15:07.601 that too, of being with somebody now who doesn't watch 0:15:07.601 --> 0:15:10.921 porn doesn't have an issue with that, versus somebody else 0:15:10.921 --> 0:15:13.001 in the past who has had an issue with that. 0:15:13.241 --> 0:15:15.041 How different intimacy actually is. 0:15:15.161 --> 0:15:16.921 Yeah, from what you've described as worlds. 0:15:16.841 --> 0:15:17.681 Yeah, it is. 0:15:18.241 --> 0:15:20.241 And on the receiving end, as a woman, you can 0:15:20.321 --> 0:15:23.161 feel when a man is watching porn because he's performative. 0:15:23.801 --> 0:15:26.201 In my experience. Yeah, that's not true for everybody, but 0:15:26.241 --> 0:15:27.441 in my experience, I can tell. 0:15:27.801 --> 0:15:31.841 Right, Yeah, gosh, what a difference. Yeah. Anyways, that's a 0:15:31.841 --> 0:15:34.161 whole nother subject. But once again, it is a coping 0:15:34.201 --> 0:15:37.161 mechanism for a lot of people. You know, so once 0:15:37.161 --> 0:15:39.441 again reflect where is it showing up for you? What 0:15:39.481 --> 0:15:42.241 are your coping mechanisms, are they healthy? Are they serving you? 0:15:42.801 --> 0:15:45.161 What's the long term impact? What are the consequences of 0:15:45.161 --> 0:15:48.481 you continuing this is impacting your relationships with yourself, with food, 0:15:48.481 --> 0:15:51.201 with your body, with help with your partner, and really 0:15:51.281 --> 0:15:54.321 like check in and be really honest with yourself. Yeah. 0:15:54.361 --> 0:15:56.321 Absolutely, I think a big one is food. 0:15:56.801 --> 0:15:58.721 So big A lot of clients to come. 0:15:58.601 --> 0:16:01.681 To me with challenges like that of emotional eating. I've 0:16:01.721 --> 0:16:03.961 been guilty of it before in the past. I still 0:16:04.001 --> 0:16:06.481 do it sometimes. How to do Yeah, Like sometimes they 0:16:06.481 --> 0:16:08.321 come back, they slip in and you're like, oh when 0:16:08.321 --> 0:16:10.241 then you notice it, then you can catch it. 0:16:10.361 --> 0:16:12.441 I'll go into my pantry and then I'll realize I'm 0:16:12.441 --> 0:16:14.961 in I'm like, you're not even hungry. But it's weird 0:16:14.961 --> 0:16:17.321 for that moment that if you have chocolate that you 0:16:17.401 --> 0:16:20.401 literally feel better for the moment. It's so strange. You 0:16:20.441 --> 0:16:23.601 can see why it's so addictive. And sometimes I'll say 0:16:23.601 --> 0:16:26.601 to Steve, I'm like, I literally could smash a block 0:16:26.641 --> 0:16:29.801 of cabri because I just feel so stressed. That distracts 0:16:29.801 --> 0:16:32.481 me for the moment and Sometimes I'm like, I'll allow it. 0:16:33.841 --> 0:16:35.521