1 00:00:00,320 --> 00:00:00,880 Speaker 1: Got to get it. 2 00:00:03,279 --> 00:00:05,360 Speaker 2: It's Fitzy and we've done with k Ritty. 3 00:00:06,559 --> 00:00:09,920 Speaker 3: Hey guys, Lizzie here, I'm the social media producer for 4 00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:13,560 Speaker 3: FITZI Whipri and Kate And welcome to our summer podcast 5 00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:17,599 Speaker 3: on the Fitze Whipper with Kate Richie Podcast episode special 6 00:00:17,640 --> 00:00:21,160 Speaker 3: bonus episode for you. This is called the Social Network Edition, 7 00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:23,759 Speaker 3: where I'm going to be taking you through some of 8 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:26,480 Speaker 3: our biggest moments on social media this year that you 9 00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:29,560 Speaker 3: would have seen on our Instagram, Facebook or TikTok. And 10 00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:32,360 Speaker 3: this is the first one. It's you would have definitely 11 00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:34,960 Speaker 3: seen this one. We had Chloe Kardashi in comment on it, 12 00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:39,280 Speaker 3: Mercedes from Glee commented on it, everybody was sharing it 13 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:42,960 Speaker 3: all over Instagram. It's our interview with Maggie Dent where 14 00:00:43,159 --> 00:00:46,640 Speaker 3: there was a very special emotional moment between Maggie and 15 00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:50,080 Speaker 3: Kate about the mental load that mothers and women carry. 16 00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:53,320 Speaker 3: So that video for Maggie Dent on our Instagram reach 17 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:58,040 Speaker 3: nineteen point six million views, which is pretty crazy, So 18 00:00:58,520 --> 00:00:59,920 Speaker 3: have a listen and enjoy it. 19 00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:02,720 Speaker 1: We absolutely adore this lady. 20 00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:07,600 Speaker 4: She's an author, educator, comedian, and parenting and resilience specialist. 21 00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:11,600 Speaker 4: Her name is Maggie welcome. 22 00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:14,160 Speaker 5: Do you know the think about Maggie Dan, It's impossible 23 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:17,800 Speaker 5: to get enough you Just everybody has an insatiable appetite 24 00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:18,320 Speaker 5: for Maggie Dan. 25 00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:22,360 Speaker 2: She's like she's like a barrel or a Pringles. Yes, 26 00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:27,560 Speaker 2: once you pop, you can't stop. Oh my god, we 27 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:28,680 Speaker 2: should call your pringle. 28 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:31,959 Speaker 6: No apparently, no, apparently some other mums tell me that 29 00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:33,880 Speaker 6: needs to be a tonic in the fridge with gin. 30 00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:34,240 Speaker 1: Now. 31 00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:35,800 Speaker 5: Yes, okay, I'm going to have. 32 00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:40,399 Speaker 1: A bit of Maggie call my jets. Yes, just at no. 33 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:42,720 Speaker 2: I've been looking forward to meeting you, Maggie, beause the 34 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:46,120 Speaker 2: boys do speak very highly of what the thing is. 35 00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:48,400 Speaker 5: Every time Tommy will say, hey, great news, guys, Maggiedan's 36 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:50,800 Speaker 5: coming in your mind just fills with questions what you 37 00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:53,640 Speaker 5: personally want to talk to Maggie about? What are you 38 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:55,520 Speaker 5: getting at the moment, Maggie, And we're going to talk 39 00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:59,000 Speaker 5: about your new podcast, The Good Enough Dad. Is it 40 00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:00,720 Speaker 5: about dads at the moment? And is that where your 41 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:01,320 Speaker 5: focus is? 42 00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:01,680 Speaker 7: Yeah? 43 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:06,320 Speaker 6: I think so, because I mean women, let's just generalization sweeping. 44 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,280 Speaker 6: You know, every now and then there's a guy that 45 00:02:08,360 --> 00:02:11,639 Speaker 6: does read a parenting book, but they are constantly like, 46 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:13,560 Speaker 6: let's lead up to the birth of a baby. 47 00:02:13,880 --> 00:02:16,000 Speaker 1: They read six or seven books. 48 00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:18,720 Speaker 6: They've been chewing their sisters and mums are in their 49 00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:24,200 Speaker 6: girlfriends and they've just got them all over and yeah, 50 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:26,480 Speaker 6: you're exactly right, Kate. And then dads turn up say 51 00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:29,240 Speaker 6: let's just get into this right, and then they can 52 00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:32,440 Speaker 6: get absolutely knock sideways because it's such a big thing. 53 00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:34,880 Speaker 6: The big thing they keep telling me is my heart 54 00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:37,280 Speaker 6: just couldn't believe what happened in my heart. And then 55 00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:41,480 Speaker 6: I just felt useless yep, because it didn't number one 56 00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:43,480 Speaker 6: or whether it's breastmeeting or not. 57 00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:44,320 Speaker 4: That's right. 58 00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:46,360 Speaker 6: And you know when some of them say, look, I 59 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,040 Speaker 6: still feel like a failing in Maggie when I've been 60 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:50,760 Speaker 6: walking the floor with that baby that I can't set 61 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:51,840 Speaker 6: all at three in the morning. 62 00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:54,839 Speaker 1: And that happens to me as a nanny maid. 63 00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:58,000 Speaker 6: Yeah, but I don't take it right because there's that 64 00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:00,040 Speaker 6: conditioning of guys. You got to get it right to 65 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:02,600 Speaker 6: be the allowedest, the biggest, the best, the first. So 66 00:03:02,639 --> 00:03:04,880 Speaker 6: they do take those things. That's why I wanted to 67 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:07,880 Speaker 6: keep reassuring them good enough enough. 68 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:09,200 Speaker 5: I think that's important, isn't it. 69 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:09,480 Speaker 1: Fitz. 70 00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:11,680 Speaker 5: Can I just jump in quickly, go for it, because 71 00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:15,320 Speaker 5: I think I don't want this to be what about us? 72 00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:19,440 Speaker 5: But I feel the pressure on the modern day dad 73 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:22,680 Speaker 5: is bigger than ever before. You've got to be the 74 00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:26,359 Speaker 5: all rounder, and you've got to be able to earn 75 00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:29,079 Speaker 5: the crust. You know, you've got the traditional role which 76 00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:31,799 Speaker 5: still exists for the male, but then you've got to 77 00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:34,560 Speaker 5: be able to do the other things and not taking 78 00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:36,040 Speaker 5: it away from anything the mother does. 79 00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:40,320 Speaker 1: But the dad's role has evolved. Oh best best social 80 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:41,720 Speaker 1: change ever in. 81 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,400 Speaker 5: A strain, and I wouldn't have it any other one. 82 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:45,280 Speaker 6: And most dads won't, which is why I keep on 83 00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:48,120 Speaker 6: wanting to reassure them that your dad might have not 84 00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:50,880 Speaker 6: been the dad that you want to be, and you 85 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,680 Speaker 6: might not read parenting books, but every now and then, 86 00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:56,560 Speaker 6: if your female partner wants to tag you and something, 87 00:03:56,880 --> 00:04:00,960 Speaker 6: read it because in there is something that she really 88 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,800 Speaker 6: wants you to come on board with as a team player. 89 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:07,080 Speaker 6: That is the concept. You're exactly right. But the conditioning 90 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,800 Speaker 6: again for days, is I'm the fixer. My job to 91 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:12,560 Speaker 6: fix it stops them. Of course I'm the problem. So well, 92 00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:16,080 Speaker 6: you know what parenting this Some days crap happens. Yeah, 93 00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:19,640 Speaker 6: and there's no solution for mums or dads and you 94 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:22,159 Speaker 6: haven't failed them, and that's that's a big message. 95 00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:24,560 Speaker 4: Can you reassure me? Can I can you give me 96 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:26,280 Speaker 4: an exercise you start? Okay? 97 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:28,839 Speaker 1: Because week this one out as a mom of. 98 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:32,080 Speaker 4: This, okay, this might help with you as well as 99 00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:32,520 Speaker 4: a parent. 100 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:33,159 Speaker 1: Write this down. 101 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:35,320 Speaker 4: And I heard you talking about may the other day. 102 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,920 Speaker 4: But okay, So we get up very early in the morning. 103 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:41,440 Speaker 4: Our day consists of in the afternoon you hit a wall, 104 00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:45,400 Speaker 4: not just once, probably twice. I've cut sleeps out, naps, 105 00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:48,240 Speaker 4: stuffed me around with my sleeping at night. But there's 106 00:04:48,279 --> 00:04:50,599 Speaker 4: a moment like in the afternoon the boys come home 107 00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:53,080 Speaker 4: and like you said, they go from rules at school 108 00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:54,560 Speaker 4: and they come home and they want to wrestle and 109 00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:55,400 Speaker 4: play with their willies. 110 00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:58,279 Speaker 1: Yes, and do you know what? I had fun? 111 00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:03,159 Speaker 4: There are moments where I am so frustrated and I'm 112 00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:06,880 Speaker 4: so tired, and I need patience in my life because 113 00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:09,560 Speaker 4: I can crack any second. Give me something. What do 114 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:11,280 Speaker 4: I do? Can I have an exercise that I can 115 00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:13,800 Speaker 4: do to walk away and then to walk into that 116 00:05:13,839 --> 00:05:16,040 Speaker 4: situation again with a totally different outlaw. 117 00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:18,000 Speaker 6: The first thing you do is you just put your 118 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:20,080 Speaker 6: hands out and go. Guys, remember dad's a bit tired. 119 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:23,400 Speaker 1: Just want to be honest with them. Yeah, look I'm 120 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:24,000 Speaker 1: a bit tired. 121 00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:25,919 Speaker 6: So what I might do is just go sit outside 122 00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:28,160 Speaker 6: for a while, you know, because really that wrestling it's 123 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:31,080 Speaker 6: never fatal. It's just exactly what they do because they 124 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:32,880 Speaker 6: like their brother, even though you think they don't. 125 00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:34,000 Speaker 1: We just let it roll. 126 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:36,360 Speaker 6: But you step yourself aside a bit, right, make yourself 127 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:38,320 Speaker 6: a cup of to you to Tim Tam. Just cool 128 00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:40,920 Speaker 6: your jets outside for a bit. If there's some blood, 129 00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:43,240 Speaker 6: they'll come find you. Yes, but I need you to 130 00:05:43,279 --> 00:05:43,840 Speaker 6: know that this. 131 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:45,560 Speaker 1: Is part of it, just how I feel. 132 00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:49,320 Speaker 6: Yes, and it's okay saying can you model how you 133 00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:52,080 Speaker 6: manage your big, ugly feelings, because how else your kid's 134 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,600 Speaker 6: gonna you know, like mums can do it the same. 135 00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:56,560 Speaker 6: I'm going to lose my whatever I hang on, I'm 136 00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:58,440 Speaker 6: going to go to my bedroom just for a few moments. 137 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,039 Speaker 6: I do recommend you have a really good block of 138 00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:04,720 Speaker 6: fruit and nuts, because that's a health fruit hidden in 139 00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:08,320 Speaker 6: the bedroom. You nail and then some deep breathing and 140 00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:11,320 Speaker 6: I guarantee you reset with serotonin, you come back out 141 00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:12,600 Speaker 6: and you're now going to be able to be the 142 00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:13,320 Speaker 6: parent you want. 143 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:15,320 Speaker 5: To go on again? Okay, to break up the dad 144 00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:18,120 Speaker 5: love A question from you from a mother's point of view. 145 00:06:18,839 --> 00:06:20,800 Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, where do I start? 146 00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:21,080 Speaker 8: Yeah? 147 00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:22,080 Speaker 5: We all have them. 148 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:25,800 Speaker 2: I think what I'm finding challenging at the moment is 149 00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:29,960 Speaker 2: how my daughter is nine and I don't know if 150 00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:37,039 Speaker 2: it's poormonal, but it's just it's just very hard to 151 00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:40,800 Speaker 2: get her to do what I want her to oh, 152 00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:43,000 Speaker 2: what I want her to do. And my mum and 153 00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:50,800 Speaker 2: dad parented very differently, much stricter, and we get a smack, 154 00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:53,120 Speaker 2: you know, and we obviously I don't do that in 155 00:06:53,839 --> 00:06:56,640 Speaker 2: our home, but there are sometimes where I'm thinking and 156 00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:58,760 Speaker 2: now it all makes sense why my mum and why 157 00:06:58,839 --> 00:07:02,040 Speaker 2: the house was so loud, why my parents. 158 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:04,240 Speaker 1: Were yelling, why we got a smack? Like how do 159 00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:08,159 Speaker 1: you how do you reason? How do you. 160 00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:10,640 Speaker 2: Reason with a with a nine year roll? 161 00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:11,120 Speaker 1: Okay? 162 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:13,600 Speaker 6: And do you just not there's a few things going 163 00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:15,480 Speaker 6: on because she's a tween, right, and this is an 164 00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:18,960 Speaker 6: interesting window. Just let me drop that, really, because all 165 00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:22,240 Speaker 6: the stuff's starting to change, which is the growth towards autonomy. 166 00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:24,600 Speaker 6: It's a bit like the toddler wants autonomy, my way 167 00:07:24,720 --> 00:07:27,680 Speaker 6: me do. She's doing that to accept a little bit 168 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:31,360 Speaker 6: of steroids underneath. Okay, So that whole notion of behaviorism, 169 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:34,840 Speaker 6: which says if you don't punish them, you have a crapcad. 170 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:38,320 Speaker 6: And also if you don't praise and overwart and reward them, 171 00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:39,560 Speaker 6: then they you know, for what they. 172 00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:41,720 Speaker 1: Do, that's goed. That works for rats. 173 00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:44,760 Speaker 6: Okay, right, but you're also conditioned and that's why I'm 174 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:46,880 Speaker 6: a good person. No, you could be a good person 175 00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:50,880 Speaker 6: without punishment, yes, but discipline. So discipline is where I 176 00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:53,240 Speaker 6: walk in with my swagger and I go, we don't 177 00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:55,800 Speaker 6: do this in this house. Put that down, yep, And 178 00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:58,560 Speaker 6: then we go, come on, let's sum outside. So we 179 00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:01,400 Speaker 6: go firm whole the boundary and if they need to 180 00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:04,320 Speaker 6: erupt around it, great. But my other thought to it 181 00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:07,680 Speaker 6: is don't sweat the small stuff because if you're always 182 00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:11,320 Speaker 6: walking in with swagger, yes, where's the connection, where's the love, 183 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:14,640 Speaker 6: where's the joys? And sometimes it's just being totally I 184 00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:16,760 Speaker 6: had to be a comedian with four boys. 185 00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:21,560 Speaker 1: Right they they wouldn't listen to you. I knew though, No, 186 00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:22,680 Speaker 1: I'm wired that way. 187 00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:25,320 Speaker 6: I also know that they're wired not to listen, but 188 00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:27,600 Speaker 6: I also know that our girls are equally wired to 189 00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:29,400 Speaker 6: months is going to go on and on, And he 190 00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:31,520 Speaker 6: says it all the time, coming up to them, you know, 191 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:34,280 Speaker 6: rubbing their back in their shoulder and going, yep, it's 192 00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:36,200 Speaker 6: time that plate sink. 193 00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:38,679 Speaker 1: It's going now? Are we going to do that now? 194 00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:41,840 Speaker 6: And I'm going to direct you? Yeah, you know, And 195 00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:46,000 Speaker 6: that's kind of it. It seems little, but you've got 196 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:48,920 Speaker 6: to remember our kids are dealing in a very different world. 197 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:50,960 Speaker 1: Like you talk about that being little plate. 198 00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:54,439 Speaker 5: Now, if you continue to do those things, it builds 199 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:55,840 Speaker 5: and can correct itself. 200 00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:57,719 Speaker 6: Got the money is I want to I want them 201 00:08:57,720 --> 00:08:59,160 Speaker 6: to come on board with me and be on the 202 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:02,040 Speaker 6: journey where it's not I'm directing your journey, it's we 203 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,720 Speaker 6: on this journey. So sometimes it's so what do I 204 00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:06,200 Speaker 6: What do we have to do for you to remember 205 00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:07,600 Speaker 6: to put your plate in the sink? 206 00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:07,800 Speaker 8: Home? 207 00:09:08,559 --> 00:09:10,719 Speaker 1: What do we have to do? We're working together. 208 00:09:10,679 --> 00:09:12,640 Speaker 6: Rather than me always pointing there going you need to 209 00:09:12,679 --> 00:09:14,080 Speaker 6: do that and you haven't done that, and you have 210 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:16,920 Speaker 6: to do this because I just learned to zone that 211 00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:18,719 Speaker 6: voice out well like. 212 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:19,319 Speaker 1: You do with other. 213 00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:22,160 Speaker 2: But you know, if you've got someone nagging it all 214 00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:26,760 Speaker 2: time and you learn not to hear that hear that voice, 215 00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:27,840 Speaker 2: there's not that time. 216 00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:30,880 Speaker 6: Not a person on the planet that likes being told 217 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:35,160 Speaker 6: what to do correct, same as it. Nobody tell me 218 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,920 Speaker 6: to calm down? Yeah right, so same thing? So what 219 00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:39,959 Speaker 6: am I doing? Am I requesting in a way that's 220 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:42,480 Speaker 6: kind of like you know what I talked to my 221 00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:44,400 Speaker 6: best friend or mate about yea? 222 00:09:44,559 --> 00:09:46,520 Speaker 1: Or am I speaking to you down? Yeah? 223 00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:49,160 Speaker 2: I like your idea and you said it with fits 224 00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:53,040 Speaker 2: as well that it's more with dads as part of 225 00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:55,880 Speaker 2: the family. And then you're talking about like mums and kids. 226 00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:59,560 Speaker 2: Is that working together and being the team perhaps is 227 00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:02,800 Speaker 2: the object because it's so hard you second guess everything 228 00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:04,800 Speaker 2: all of the time. Am I doing the right thing? 229 00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:08,200 Speaker 2: Am I being too strict? Am I trying? Am I 230 00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:11,160 Speaker 2: not being strict enough? Because then you've got, say the 231 00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:13,240 Speaker 2: older generation who thinks that you should be. 232 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:16,440 Speaker 1: Strict with your kids. They're not going to respect you 233 00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:18,360 Speaker 1: and they're spoiled to. 234 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:21,400 Speaker 6: See why, you know, So can I show this slight 235 00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:23,960 Speaker 6: difference between mums and dads, like when you go to 236 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:27,480 Speaker 6: bed at night? Because the singular focus of most males 237 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:29,600 Speaker 6: means I'm going to go to bed to go to sleep, 238 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:31,080 Speaker 6: and you go to bed and you go to sleep, 239 00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:33,480 Speaker 6: So the mum comes to bed to go to sleep. 240 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:37,080 Speaker 6: But we're biologically wired to make sure that we're caring 241 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:40,080 Speaker 6: really well because of estrogen. So we'll go through every 242 00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:42,640 Speaker 6: decision we made during the day, from you know, breakfast 243 00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:44,640 Speaker 6: right through not only that, well, my god, they didn't 244 00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:45,600 Speaker 6: need enough brocoliches? 245 00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:47,600 Speaker 1: Do I have enough of that in the lunch box? 246 00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,120 Speaker 6: And then well it's a female thing, and then we 247 00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:52,120 Speaker 6: second guess and we beat ourselves up, and then we 248 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:54,760 Speaker 6: suddenly we're wondering if they'll get into university. And then 249 00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:57,120 Speaker 6: we've gone back and regret something we did at our 250 00:10:57,160 --> 00:10:59,080 Speaker 6: twenty first and then we've come forward to the kids 251 00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:01,640 Speaker 6: again comparing to somebody else. Then we've gone, oh my god, 252 00:11:01,679 --> 00:11:02,679 Speaker 6: my eyebrows, I need to. 253 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:05,040 Speaker 1: Put that in. There's a load of washing, and have 254 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:06,840 Speaker 1: I got it right? 255 00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:12,600 Speaker 6: And about one o'clock in the morning, Yeah, because this 256 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:16,720 Speaker 6: is the mum useful, this is the mental load we 257 00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:18,959 Speaker 6: carry for the people we love. 258 00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:21,880 Speaker 1: Sorry, Kate, to do that, I absolutely hear that. 259 00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:24,760 Speaker 6: So what I want sometimes is for our dads to 260 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:29,200 Speaker 6: recognize that we're just it's just we're wired different. But 261 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,720 Speaker 6: we want the dads to be able to jump in sometimes. 262 00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:34,319 Speaker 9: And I've got this, got this love, Yeah, I got 263 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:44,120 Speaker 9: What about with mums and dads? Sorry, just the. 264 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:46,240 Speaker 8: The dialogue that doesn't ever stop, that doesn't ever end. 265 00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:48,720 Speaker 8: And I think the other thing about mums and dads 266 00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:52,160 Speaker 8: is that when dads decide to go to bed or 267 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:54,880 Speaker 8: the male you know, the partner, the male partner, he 268 00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:57,400 Speaker 8: will just go to bed. 269 00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:58,760 Speaker 1: Where where is Mums? 270 00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:02,080 Speaker 2: Turn all the lights out, the block door is locked, 271 00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:05,120 Speaker 2: make sure and then and then sometimes the dad's lying 272 00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:06,360 Speaker 2: in the bed and all the lights are on in 273 00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:11,160 Speaker 2: the house, single focus. 274 00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:14,959 Speaker 4: I'm adhd with locking all the doors in the window, 275 00:12:15,679 --> 00:12:18,600 Speaker 4: but I do that. But okay, I am honestly, at 276 00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:19,840 Speaker 4: nine o'clock on the dot. 277 00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:20,559 Speaker 9: That's it. 278 00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:21,920 Speaker 1: I'm going to bed. 279 00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:24,800 Speaker 4: Stuff you all, Yeah, you haven't cleaned your teeth. 280 00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:26,440 Speaker 1: I don't care what you're doing. Give me a kiss. 281 00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:26,760 Speaker 4: I'm going. 282 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:28,720 Speaker 2: But I think that's a skill to be able to 283 00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:31,560 Speaker 2: do that because mum switch off like that, Because mums, 284 00:12:31,679 --> 00:12:35,160 Speaker 2: I think, and this is generalizing, well mums won't do that, 285 00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:37,640 Speaker 2: but then they'll blame everyone for not being able to 286 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:39,720 Speaker 2: do it. I didn't get to go to bed when 287 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,560 Speaker 2: you did. There were at Yeah, you do have to 288 00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:46,200 Speaker 2: be a level ventman or mut bubbles speaking seaway sometimes. 289 00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:48,840 Speaker 6: And I know this sounds really crazy, but we know 290 00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:52,200 Speaker 6: there's a distinct difference between the memory capacity of males 291 00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:54,920 Speaker 6: and females. And so sometimes when I'm when I'm talking 292 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:57,920 Speaker 6: about for dads, like, oh, maybe I was doing lunches 293 00:12:57,920 --> 00:12:59,760 Speaker 6: and I'm mucked up. I forgot this bit and I went, 294 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,360 Speaker 6: what can really work is that can mum actually have 295 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:05,080 Speaker 6: a photograph of the lunch box on the fridge for 296 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:07,560 Speaker 6: the days he has to step up? Because I know 297 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,199 Speaker 6: you told me last week, but I can't remember what 298 00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:11,000 Speaker 6: that box is and I'm curious run. 299 00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:11,880 Speaker 1: Out of that what do I put? 300 00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:14,960 Speaker 6: So once again, it's a bit like bandit going to 301 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:17,720 Speaker 6: the pool, right, and he just forgot the sunscreen and 302 00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:20,720 Speaker 6: the drinks and the snack and the towel. And he's 303 00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:23,600 Speaker 6: gone with a great joy of love to connect with 304 00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:27,240 Speaker 6: his kids. But sometimes not all days, but sometimes we 305 00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:29,319 Speaker 6: needed better help. Can we do that without going? But 306 00:13:29,559 --> 00:13:33,160 Speaker 6: you've got yes, You'll send a text picture of the 307 00:13:33,559 --> 00:13:37,760 Speaker 6: pasta sauce you like right, because they just go, okay, pasta. 308 00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:38,480 Speaker 1: Sauce, any one of those. 309 00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:41,000 Speaker 5: But us, girls, God, you're not telling men and women 310 00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:41,720 Speaker 5: are different, are't you. 311 00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:46,000 Speaker 4: Maybe We've had a lot of people ringing in they 312 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:48,360 Speaker 4: want to chat to you. We've got Danniel who's listening 313 00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:51,760 Speaker 4: via then overplay down at Danny Tasmania. 314 00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:56,440 Speaker 6: You there, Daniel, Yeah, hello, you've got Maggie here go Danny. 315 00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:59,719 Speaker 1: Hi, Hi, how are you good? Good? 316 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:05,280 Speaker 7: So my question is, unfortunately we lost my mom three 317 00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:08,320 Speaker 7: months ago, so the boy's grandma. She was only fifty nine, 318 00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:14,240 Speaker 7: so a young grandma. Thank you. It's been really tough, 319 00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:16,079 Speaker 7: like sort of. It was a short illness, so it 320 00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:19,160 Speaker 7: happened really quickly. It's a bit of a shock to 321 00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:24,040 Speaker 7: all of us, especially my kids who are eight and five. 322 00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:27,600 Speaker 7: So we still mention grandma a lot, but they don't 323 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:30,360 Speaker 7: intend to bring her up or sort of same thing. 324 00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:34,000 Speaker 7: So I was just wondering whether, like obviously, if that's normal, 325 00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:37,600 Speaker 7: or like if I should be bringing you up more often. Yeah. 326 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:39,840 Speaker 6: First, I'll give you a great big Maggie hug over 327 00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:40,440 Speaker 6: the airwaves. 328 00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:44,480 Speaker 1: Okay, thank you? Are they boys? Yeah? Yeah? 329 00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:47,440 Speaker 6: Okay, yeah, they don't do it good, right, it's a 330 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:50,400 Speaker 6: whole different way. Not only they haven't consciously forgotten, but 331 00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:52,600 Speaker 6: there's this pain in their heart that when they think 332 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:56,160 Speaker 6: of it. And I've got heaps of these resources online 333 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:58,080 Speaker 6: because I've worked in death and dying for a long time. 334 00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:00,160 Speaker 6: Can I just offer you a suggestion. You get a 335 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:03,600 Speaker 6: big blown up picture of Grandma and stick it somewhere 336 00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:06,760 Speaker 6: where they can sometimes maybe not light a candle club 337 00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:09,280 Speaker 6: eurn the house down, but put some flowers. But what 338 00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:11,520 Speaker 6: they do is come in and chat to her like 339 00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:14,560 Speaker 6: they would have, like tell the things that happen during 340 00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:18,200 Speaker 6: the day, and it actually keeps her in their mind 341 00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:21,720 Speaker 6: sight because we're not good, not good around loss and 342 00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:23,840 Speaker 6: grief and it's one of those areas that I have 343 00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:26,480 Speaker 6: worked really really closely with. But we need to tell 344 00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:29,280 Speaker 6: them that the reason we feel sad is because we 345 00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:32,480 Speaker 6: loved and not to avoid the pain, and that how 346 00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:35,640 Speaker 6: the pain goes is by talking and sharing and loving, 347 00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:38,160 Speaker 6: and that that's exactly what happens when we lose something 348 00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:40,520 Speaker 6: we love. And it's one of the you know, I've 349 00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:42,680 Speaker 6: been known for a long time to suggest families with 350 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:45,400 Speaker 6: children under five to get the guinea pig because in 351 00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:48,000 Speaker 6: stroking the guinea pig. They develop a bond and then 352 00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:51,080 Speaker 6: a hopefully it'll die, and then when it dies, we 353 00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:54,480 Speaker 6: have the lessons around death, not just a story book. 354 00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:57,000 Speaker 6: They're actually feeling it. And then what are we doing? 355 00:15:57,080 --> 00:16:00,440 Speaker 6: Are we beautifully respectfully putting the body somewhere? Are we 356 00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:02,480 Speaker 6: talking about how much they brought into our life? So 357 00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:05,640 Speaker 6: we're setting up a template for what you have just 358 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:09,600 Speaker 6: gone through. So it's absolutely quite normal. And remember they 359 00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:14,000 Speaker 6: do puddle hopping in grief, they'll do little pockets and 360 00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:16,280 Speaker 6: they'd be sad and then but of course we can't 361 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:16,880 Speaker 6: put it down. 362 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:21,440 Speaker 1: So does that make some sense? Yeah, I think it 363 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:22,240 Speaker 1: would be hard to. 364 00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:25,680 Speaker 2: I mean, and I'm only assuming this, Dannielle. If it 365 00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:29,840 Speaker 2: was your mum, the boys might know that this has 366 00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:34,720 Speaker 2: caused their mama lot of sadness and quite often yeah yeah, 367 00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:37,760 Speaker 2: And I don't think that any child wants to see 368 00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:38,920 Speaker 2: mum or dad. 369 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,960 Speaker 6: Yeah, So give them agency in that. So if you 370 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:45,400 Speaker 6: see mom sad, grab the tissues. You can get mummy 371 00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:47,320 Speaker 6: a drink of water, or you can come and sit 372 00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:50,760 Speaker 6: next to mummy and hold it rather than mummy has 373 00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:53,400 Speaker 6: to hide in the bedroom. Yeah, because then we're teaching 374 00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:56,480 Speaker 6: them how we bring comfort, and that's the agency we 375 00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:58,720 Speaker 6: want to teach all our children as they grow forward, 376 00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:01,840 Speaker 6: because then they're doing something that helps mummy feel better. 377 00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:06,960 Speaker 4: They can still talk to Nan absoletely, they can go 378 00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:09,800 Speaker 4: up to and have a chat to on their own. 379 00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:13,520 Speaker 1: Yes, yep, she's still in their lives. 380 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:15,280 Speaker 2: And it's okay to be sad too. I think it's 381 00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:17,879 Speaker 2: important for them to see that you're sad to Danielle. 382 00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:19,760 Speaker 5: Don't feel bad, Dannielle. Thank you for sharing. 383 00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:21,400 Speaker 7: Thank you, thank you, that's been great. 384 00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:22,120 Speaker 1: Thank you so much. 385 00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:25,479 Speaker 5: Lisa's called through from Levington. Lisa a question for Maggie Dent. 386 00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:28,080 Speaker 10: Yes, Hi, thank you so much for taking my call. 387 00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:33,200 Speaker 1: Of course, So I'm trying. 388 00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:36,560 Speaker 10: To get through this without being upset myself. My husband 389 00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:42,199 Speaker 10: has recently left myself and my. 390 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:44,480 Speaker 1: Middle child. 391 00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:48,600 Speaker 10: She's finding it very difficult. My daughter's school keeps calling 392 00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:51,440 Speaker 10: like once a week and so that she gets very 393 00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:55,120 Speaker 10: upset at school and that she's just crying like all day. 394 00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:58,640 Speaker 10: So he left a couple of months ago, and every 395 00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:01,720 Speaker 10: week I send the beginning of home call that you upset. 396 00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:03,359 Speaker 10: I don't think she's hoping very well. 397 00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:06,680 Speaker 11: Do you have any advice on what yeh doing? 398 00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:10,720 Speaker 6: So she's grieving too, isn't she right? And so we've 399 00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:13,240 Speaker 6: got a we can do connection And that's almost like 400 00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:17,359 Speaker 6: having a death without a body, right. So he's left 401 00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:19,240 Speaker 6: and left this great big space. 402 00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:19,960 Speaker 1: Yep. 403 00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:22,720 Speaker 6: So one of the things we talk about is if 404 00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:24,640 Speaker 6: she can have something that makes it feel her dad 405 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:26,800 Speaker 6: is close to her even though he's not. So can 406 00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:29,720 Speaker 6: you find a really special photo and laminate it that's 407 00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:32,719 Speaker 6: in her pocket? Can he write a note if he has, 408 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:36,800 Speaker 6: you know, he's not completely ostracized, that tells her how 409 00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:39,320 Speaker 6: much he loves her, that she can have with her, 410 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:41,760 Speaker 6: so she can check in on it during the day, 411 00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:46,360 Speaker 6: because that's at the moment, there's just this void and sadness, 412 00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:48,680 Speaker 6: and of course what happens in grief, we just want 413 00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:51,879 Speaker 6: what we had that we can't necessarily have. And of 414 00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:54,399 Speaker 6: course I'm wondering, does she do this at home with yours? 415 00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:56,439 Speaker 6: This is just because she's away from you as her 416 00:18:56,520 --> 00:18:59,760 Speaker 6: safe comforter. Is this someone in that school environment that 417 00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:02,960 Speaker 6: can become you by extension? We call it secondary attachment? 418 00:19:03,359 --> 00:19:05,840 Speaker 6: So if she feels sad, if it's not her teacher, 419 00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:06,560 Speaker 6: is there an aide? 420 00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:08,560 Speaker 1: Is there a lady in the front. 421 00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:11,360 Speaker 6: Office, someone who can be the hugger and the reassurer 422 00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:14,439 Speaker 6: so that her nervous system can come down enough that 423 00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:17,000 Speaker 6: she doesn't need to be bursting into tears. She can 424 00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:19,960 Speaker 6: be sad and then still function. Are there any of 425 00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:22,200 Speaker 6: those suggestions might be helpful? Yeah? 426 00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:24,720 Speaker 1: Okay, do you still would he do that? 427 00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:25,160 Speaker 9: Least? 428 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:27,199 Speaker 4: Do you still have a relationship where he could leave 429 00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:27,880 Speaker 4: a note like. 430 00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:28,400 Speaker 1: That for her? 431 00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:31,320 Speaker 11: Yeah? 432 00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:34,840 Speaker 10: He still speaks to the kids on FaceTime every night. 433 00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:39,040 Speaker 11: Yeah, and he has the kids two nights a week. 434 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:41,640 Speaker 7: He's still got that, like the will. 435 00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:45,719 Speaker 11: Part with me anymore? And that it's just as setting 436 00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:49,399 Speaker 11: because she's an emotional person like what I am. And 437 00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:52,320 Speaker 11: then I can't be with her at school when she's 438 00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:54,840 Speaker 11: it's upset, and it breaks my heart to hear that 439 00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:58,520 Speaker 11: she's crying all day like at all, I'm not with birth. 440 00:19:59,119 --> 00:20:03,520 Speaker 6: And we do know it will gradually gradually get betters. 441 00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:05,040 Speaker 5: Thank you so much, thank you. 442 00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:07,440 Speaker 11: Thank you, thank you for I appreciate that. 443 00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:09,560 Speaker 4: Can get another Maggie. 444 00:20:11,119 --> 00:20:12,800 Speaker 5: Three Maggie hugs. 445 00:20:13,359 --> 00:20:15,720 Speaker 4: So, the new podcast The Good Enough Dad, with the 446 00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:18,600 Speaker 4: first three episodes featuring Homiske, is out now. Listen to 447 00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:21,199 Speaker 4: it wherever you get your good podcast. We love you, Maggie. 448 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:23,880 Speaker 4: You've been We've had a great relationship with you over 449 00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:26,520 Speaker 4: the years. We will continue that into the future. 450 00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:28,880 Speaker 1: But thank you for your toime. Love you guys, thanks. 451 00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:31,520 Speaker 2: To Meet You and We with Kate Ritchie is. 452 00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:32,560 Speaker 1: A Nova podcast. 453 00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:35,800 Speaker 6: For more great comedy shows like this, head to novapodcast 454 00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:36,840 Speaker 6: dot com, dot areu