WEBVTT - Heavy Sesh 0:00:06.920 --> 0:00:07.920 Hi everyone. 0:00:08.200 --> 0:00:14.560 Hi there today, it's Mala Monty. Welcome to the podcast. Hey, hello, 0:00:16.720 --> 0:00:19.720 hi everyone. Thanks for listening. If you're new to the Potty, 0:00:19.840 --> 0:00:22.640 I'm Monty and mel is here, or thanks for joining us. 0:00:22.640 --> 0:00:27.720 If you are an oldie one that's listened maybe recently 0:00:27.960 --> 0:00:31.160 or for ages, thank you. We love that you're back 0:00:31.200 --> 0:00:34.519 listening to us. I met Kerry, who is one of 0:00:34.680 --> 0:00:37.440 our listeners the other day. She works in Byron. Yes, 0:00:37.520 --> 0:00:40.360 I saw, Oh my god, I was so Kerry Hi. 0:00:40.680 --> 0:00:43.040 I was so excited to meet her because Sam has 0:00:43.080 --> 0:00:48.159 walked past her before. She and then Sam was literally 0:00:48.200 --> 0:00:49.720 telling me, he said, I've got to tell you, like 0:00:49.840 --> 0:00:52.559 yesterday I met somebody who listens to the podcast. She 0:00:52.600 --> 0:00:55.320 came up and she's like, I'm so sorry, are you Sam? 0:00:55.360 --> 0:00:57.720 And He's like, yes, I don't mean to hassle you, 0:00:57.760 --> 0:01:00.520 but I love Monty's podcast. And then the next day 0:01:00.520 --> 0:01:03.640 we walked past and I saw her. I literally sprinted 0:01:03.640 --> 0:01:06.399 to her like desperado. It was so funny, and we 0:01:06.440 --> 0:01:09.679 had a big Cargan stuff and Arlo was there and 0:01:09.880 --> 0:01:14.399 I used to this sounds like I'm floating my own boat. 0:01:14.440 --> 0:01:17.040 But occasionally I used to get recognized more often when 0:01:17.080 --> 0:01:19.959 I was in Melbourne just from the project and stuff 0:01:20.000 --> 0:01:22.800 like that, but doesn't happen anymore. So for Alo, it 0:01:22.920 --> 0:01:25.640 was a real trip. He said Mom. As we walked off, 0:01:25.640 --> 0:01:27.760 He's like, Mom, did you get recognized very often? And 0:01:27.840 --> 0:01:34.560 Dad goes used to have it more than it does now. 0:01:34.720 --> 0:01:37.440 That is nice. It was a bit of cred. 0:01:37.560 --> 0:01:40.119 It gave me a bit of cred. Yes, I feel like. 0:01:40.120 --> 0:01:43.839 We've had carry on before. I don't years and years 0:01:43.880 --> 0:01:47.240 ago from your Elston week house. I feel like we 0:01:47.319 --> 0:01:50.320 had we had her on really interesting. 0:01:50.360 --> 0:01:52.200 If we did, Kerry message me. I don't know if 0:01:52.240 --> 0:01:56.640 we did, or I can't remember. Anyway, this came up 0:01:56.640 --> 0:01:58.280 on my feed the other day and it made me 0:01:58.320 --> 0:02:00.480 a bit emo, so I wanted to share with you. 0:02:00.560 --> 0:02:04.160 It's from a paramedic who obviously has dealt with a 0:02:04.160 --> 0:02:07.880 lot of people who are dying and a lot of death, 0:02:07.920 --> 0:02:10.600 and she said, there's one word people say at the 0:02:10.720 --> 0:02:13.560 end of their life. The word is almost never the 0:02:13.680 --> 0:02:17.480 name of their partner, or their children or God. The 0:02:17.520 --> 0:02:20.360 adults I've sat within their final moments don't ask for 0:02:20.400 --> 0:02:24.919 their husbands. They ask for their mum. A nurse from 0:02:24.960 --> 0:02:27.200 the hospice told me that the last words of dying 0:02:27.280 --> 0:02:31.280 men often resemble each other. Almost everyone is calling Mama 0:02:31.880 --> 0:02:35.680 with their last breath. When soldiers are dying, they all 0:02:35.720 --> 0:02:39.800 say the same thing. They call for their mother. Pallative 0:02:39.840 --> 0:02:43.080 doctors describe it like this. As a body shuts down, 0:02:43.240 --> 0:02:45.480 the brain seems to return to the first source of 0:02:45.560 --> 0:02:50.120 comfort a person ever knew, the earliest voice, the earliest safety, 0:02:50.200 --> 0:02:53.080 the first place the nervous system learned it was okay 0:02:53.080 --> 0:02:56.760 to let go. You are the safest place your little 0:02:56.760 --> 0:03:01.200 one will ever know. Across every culture, every language, every lifetime, 0:03:01.240 --> 0:03:03.600 the answer is the same. The first person we ever 0:03:03.639 --> 0:03:06.200 knew is the last one we ever asked for. You 0:03:06.240 --> 0:03:08.600 don't have to be the perfect mum or the calm 0:03:08.840 --> 0:03:11.040 or the one who has it all together. You just 0:03:11.120 --> 0:03:20.519 have to be there. Wow, that's like, I totally get 0:03:20.560 --> 0:03:24.480 it too. So funny though, isn't it. I said to Sam, like, 0:03:24.919 --> 0:03:27.239 sometimes when I look at my boys, I can't believe 0:03:27.280 --> 0:03:30.040 they grew in my stomach, Like I'm like, oh, my God, 0:03:30.080 --> 0:03:32.160 Like looking at my fifteen year old boy, I can't 0:03:32.160 --> 0:03:36.240 believe he grew inside of me. Yeah, And now he's 0:03:36.320 --> 0:03:38.920 out in the world and he's doing his own thing 0:03:39.040 --> 0:03:41.040 and same as my eleven year old and my five 0:03:41.120 --> 0:03:43.720 year old and Eil, I'm like, this is a little 0:03:43.720 --> 0:03:46.400 bit different. This is a bit of a different tangent. 0:03:46.400 --> 0:03:50.320 But I'm like, I grew them and I love them 0:03:50.320 --> 0:03:52.760 more than they'll ever love me. They don't know that, 0:03:52.800 --> 0:03:55.080 you know, Alo will constantly be like, I love you 0:03:55.160 --> 0:03:57.920 more and I'm like, you don't realize that that's impossible, Like, 0:03:58.000 --> 0:04:01.280 that's not how it works. But also, even though I 0:04:01.400 --> 0:04:07.560 grew them, it doesn't mean that I'm their number one. Yeah, 0:04:07.920 --> 0:04:10.000 but hearing that, I'm like, oh, they call my name 0:04:10.000 --> 0:04:13.280 when they're dying, but to me, they're always my number one's. 0:04:13.360 --> 0:04:16.400 They're my number one people, but I'm not their number one. 0:04:17.240 --> 0:04:21.760 Well, I would say, it's not that you aren't their 0:04:21.880 --> 0:04:26.760 number one. I think it's that the relationship changes so much. 0:04:26.839 --> 0:04:30.520 But the thing about a mum, and obviously this is 0:04:31.000 --> 0:04:33.520 assuming you have a good mum, and a good mom 0:04:33.800 --> 0:04:37.120 can mean different things to different people, right, yeah, But 0:04:37.200 --> 0:04:40.080 if you, let's say you have a mum who you 0:04:40.160 --> 0:04:47.360 feel loved by, nobody in your life, friends, partners, anybody 0:04:47.800 --> 0:04:52.919 will want the best for you and love you unconditionally 0:04:53.320 --> 0:04:55.560 like your mum, there is nothing like it because I 0:04:55.600 --> 0:04:57.239 know there's nothing my kids could. 0:04:57.080 --> 0:05:00.560 Do same that would stop you loving them, could take 0:05:00.600 --> 0:05:01.200 the love away. 0:05:01.320 --> 0:05:05.200 But there are things my husband could do, there are things, friends, siblings, whatever, 0:05:06.360 --> 0:05:10.200 But it's just, yeah, it's that unbreakabuney. 0:05:09.600 --> 0:05:12.360 So isn't it. It is? But it's also like, yeah, 0:05:12.400 --> 0:05:14.479 it's just sometimes can go one way. Because I was 0:05:14.560 --> 0:05:17.279 like to Sam, Sam's like, your bond with your mum 0:05:17.400 --> 0:05:20.479 was so unique, and I know that. It was like 0:05:20.560 --> 0:05:23.080 I know a lot of people their mom like they 0:05:23.160 --> 0:05:25.880 love their moms, but their mom's not their number one, 0:05:26.200 --> 0:05:29.279 so it's quiet. I just find it like almost like 0:05:29.440 --> 0:05:31.800 it we should be. I fucking grew them in my 0:05:31.880 --> 0:05:34.880 body and I heave them out and I've my whole 0:05:34.920 --> 0:05:37.640 life is about them. But they just go on and 0:05:38.480 --> 0:05:40.320 get other number ones. 0:05:40.839 --> 0:05:43.839 But the thing is, I think they're at a stage 0:05:43.880 --> 0:05:48.800 now where they should be doing that, right. Maybe it's 0:05:48.880 --> 0:05:51.359 you know, you don't realize things that much until you 0:05:51.400 --> 0:05:53.960 have your own family or whatever. Yeah, fuck now I 0:05:54.000 --> 0:05:56.120 know why mum was always pissed off about this or 0:05:56.240 --> 0:05:59.160 now I know whatever. I think that's when the penny 0:05:59.240 --> 0:06:00.800 drops hope for them. 0:06:00.839 --> 0:06:03.920 Yeah, I literally this morning thought that with backs because 0:06:03.920 --> 0:06:05.440 I said, can you please fold the washing? And he 0:06:05.520 --> 0:06:07.880 fucking half ast did it. So then he went out 0:06:07.880 --> 0:06:09.680 and I sent him a text and I said, I 0:06:09.720 --> 0:06:12.000 asked you to do one job and you haven't done 0:06:12.040 --> 0:06:14.640 it properly, and now it's on me to do and 0:06:14.680 --> 0:06:16.719 I'm at capacity. And I thought, this means this is 0:06:16.760 --> 0:06:18.920 just annoying to him. Of course he doesn't even write back, 0:06:18.960 --> 0:06:21.920 but I'm like, one day you'll fucking get that when 0:06:21.960 --> 0:06:23.640 you've got your own kids and you ask him to 0:06:23.720 --> 0:06:26.640 do something and they just fuck around and don't do it. 0:06:27.120 --> 0:06:29.159 They just don't get it. They just don't get it 0:06:29.200 --> 0:06:32.200 because it's not there. It's not their thing. It's like 0:06:32.320 --> 0:06:36.320 they that's the disappointing thing because it feels like to them. 0:06:36.760 --> 0:06:39.279 They might not say it, but their perception is all 0:06:39.279 --> 0:06:44.000 that's your job, totally, God everything to you to do that. Yeah. Yeah, 0:06:44.279 --> 0:06:48.120 and between dads too, like your as parents, it's your 0:06:48.200 --> 0:06:49.920 job to do all that stuff. Yeah. 0:06:49.960 --> 0:06:51.359 There's a towel on my floor if you want to 0:06:51.400 --> 0:06:53.560 hung up, you hang out up. I'm like, oh my fuck, 0:06:53.839 --> 0:06:57.040 you hang out that towel, you little prick. That many 0:06:57.040 --> 0:06:59.960 times I've said this is our house. When you leave, 0:07:00.200 --> 0:07:01.160 you do things your way. 0:07:02.240 --> 0:07:04.720 Please tell me you say it's my way or the highway. 0:07:04.880 --> 0:07:07.720 Oh no, I don't. I'm going to say that one day, 0:07:08.120 --> 0:07:10.040 But I mean, it's not my way or the highway, 0:07:10.080 --> 0:07:12.640 it's their way. And I fucking just sit there like 0:07:12.640 --> 0:07:13.200 a schmuck. 0:07:13.680 --> 0:07:15.400 They will understand it one day. 0:07:15.560 --> 0:07:18.920 Do you remember your dad's last words going fucking deep 0:07:19.000 --> 0:07:19.960 and heavy? 0:07:20.680 --> 0:07:25.840 Ah? No, No, he didn't really talk a lot about 0:07:26.560 --> 0:07:30.080 what was happening. I think it was too painful for him. 0:07:30.280 --> 0:07:35.400 The only thing that's it's actually it's hard to talk about. 0:07:35.440 --> 0:07:37.160 I try not to think about it, but I do 0:07:37.280 --> 0:07:41.560 remember that last night we all, like my mum did 0:07:41.560 --> 0:07:44.360 not leave the hospital like for weeks, she just slept 0:07:44.360 --> 0:07:46.040 it in a chair next to his bed. 0:07:46.080 --> 0:07:46.920 She didn't leave it all. 0:07:47.480 --> 0:07:50.239 But we would go every day and when the nurse 0:07:50.320 --> 0:07:53.640 told us, look, it's looking like this is going to 0:07:53.720 --> 0:07:59.400 happen soon, my sister and I stayed that night and 0:07:59.440 --> 0:08:01.400 it happened during the night. But there was a point 0:08:01.400 --> 0:08:05.480 that had to keep turning him and he was he 0:08:05.520 --> 0:08:09.760 couldn't talk, but he was sort of like motioning for 0:08:09.880 --> 0:08:13.000 us to go wow, because I don't think he wanted 0:08:13.080 --> 0:08:16.960 us to see. And I just said it's okay, it's okay, dad, 0:08:17.000 --> 0:08:19.080 and then that was that. 0:08:20.560 --> 0:08:22.040 Yeah whatever, but it's. 0:08:21.920 --> 0:08:25.680 Just yeah, it was there weren't words. But I think 0:08:25.680 --> 0:08:27.920 of the last thing that he did was to try 0:08:27.920 --> 0:08:31.240 and sort of say go because he didn't I knew 0:08:32.200 --> 0:08:34.200 what he was trying to communicate, which was I don't 0:08:34.240 --> 0:08:35.400 want you to be left with this. 0:08:36.080 --> 0:08:41.000 Yeah, you know, it's very common for people to pass 0:08:41.040 --> 0:08:42.760 when people go out of the room. I know you 0:08:42.800 --> 0:08:44.720 guys were in the room, but that's what happened with 0:08:44.760 --> 0:08:47.040 my mom. My step dad was sleeping next to her 0:08:47.120 --> 0:08:49.640 all night, was in but we were there was constantly 0:08:49.679 --> 0:08:51.960 somebody in her room with her. And he got up 0:08:51.960 --> 0:08:54.640 in the morning and went had a shower and came 0:08:54.679 --> 0:08:56.520 back and she passed in those ten minutes. 0:08:57.280 --> 0:09:02.440 Yeah, it's there are things that happened that make you think, like, 0:09:02.520 --> 0:09:07.560 what's happening for them during that time? Yeah, Like I 0:09:07.600 --> 0:09:11.640 remember there was a moment where he was sort of 0:09:11.679 --> 0:09:16.160 looking over in the corner and he goes, he goes 0:09:16.160 --> 0:09:18.720 to my mum, look at that sand, Look how beautiful 0:09:18.760 --> 0:09:21.000 that rose is. Look how beautiful it's growing. And he 0:09:21.200 --> 0:09:25.400 planted roses at the front of my childhood home because 0:09:25.440 --> 0:09:28.440 my mum loves roses, right, that was something he'd say 0:09:28.480 --> 0:09:30.000 because he called her sand. He was like, look at 0:09:30.000 --> 0:09:32.200 that sand, Look how beautiful the roses are, And it 0:09:32.320 --> 0:09:35.120 was like he was seeing those roses. Wow. 0:09:35.360 --> 0:09:38.720 Yeah, yeah, he must have been. He obviously was, because 0:09:38.720 --> 0:09:42.640 they would be hallucinating a little bit. It's so full 0:09:42.720 --> 0:09:44.960 on thinking of that time, isn't it. I know I 0:09:44.960 --> 0:09:48.679 can can see that you're really hate thinking about that time, 0:09:48.760 --> 0:09:52.280 and I do too. But it's just like death is 0:09:52.440 --> 0:09:55.679 so wild because you don't even though we all die, 0:09:55.760 --> 0:09:59.080 you don't experience at firsthand very often, like we know, 0:09:59.200 --> 0:10:04.480 literally sa my mom go from walking talking to not 0:10:04.520 --> 0:10:09.199 being able to move to like my sister babing her. 0:10:09.360 --> 0:10:13.040 You know, I like, yep, But I don't have a 0:10:13.080 --> 0:10:16.240 firm grip on what my last words were to her. 0:10:16.360 --> 0:10:19.720 But I remember like going into the she passed at 0:10:19.720 --> 0:10:24.000 home and going into the bedroom and this was a 0:10:24.040 --> 0:10:26.280 couple few days before she passed, and she didn't look 0:10:26.360 --> 0:10:29.400 like her at all, Like, yeah, my mum was gone, 0:10:29.640 --> 0:10:33.080 and I remember going, I'm walking out and I'm not 0:10:33.120 --> 0:10:35.440 going to see you again. So I'd still go to 0:10:35.440 --> 0:10:37.120 the house every day, but I wouldn't go into the 0:10:37.240 --> 0:10:41.120 room anymore because I'm like, it was so haunting watching her. 0:10:41.520 --> 0:10:44.600 You know. Yeah, I think sometimes we think about last 0:10:44.679 --> 0:10:50.480 words or whatever, but sometimes it's like they do say that, 0:10:50.640 --> 0:10:54.560 like the most important sort of communication that we have 0:10:54.720 --> 0:10:59.199 is nonverbal anyway, like we there's there's a thread there, 0:10:59.240 --> 0:11:02.720 there's a you know what I mean, a bond there 0:11:02.760 --> 0:11:05.880 that sort of I don't know, does it transcend words. 0:11:05.920 --> 0:11:06.240 I don't know. 0:11:06.240 --> 0:11:10.000 I don't mean to sound weak, definitely, you know, And 0:11:10.040 --> 0:11:12.280 there was probably something in the fact that you knew 0:11:12.280 --> 0:11:15.600 that your mum probably wouldn't have wanted you to see 0:11:15.640 --> 0:11:16.160 her like that. 0:11:16.640 --> 0:11:20.120 She would have that because I've spoken about this before 0:11:20.120 --> 0:11:22.599 about how Sam was the person who if she was 0:11:22.640 --> 0:11:25.360 going to do euthanasia, he was the person who was 0:11:25.400 --> 0:11:26.920 going to be there with her, and how grateful I 0:11:26.960 --> 0:11:29.240 am he didn't have to do that. But it got 0:11:29.240 --> 0:11:31.080 to the last few days and I could see the 0:11:31.080 --> 0:11:33.960 look on Sam's face, like, fuck, I've let your mom down. 0:11:34.840 --> 0:11:37.080 We should have done this sooner, and I'm glad that. 0:11:37.679 --> 0:11:41.680 I'm so glad that we didn't. But she just this 0:11:41.840 --> 0:11:45.400 is I don't know, I know, sometimes we just share 0:11:45.440 --> 0:11:48.520 everything on this, but I'm talking like, no one's listening. 0:11:48.520 --> 0:11:52.520 But she was a fucking corpse. It was like what 0:11:52.600 --> 0:11:56.480 you imagine in almost a horror movie, like unrecognizable. And 0:11:56.640 --> 0:11:59.520 I just remember Sam going, this is not your mum anymore. 0:11:59.640 --> 0:12:03.240 I have let her go when it was her. But 0:12:03.360 --> 0:12:05.280 I'm glad. I mean, it will worked out the way 0:12:05.320 --> 0:12:06.960 it was meant to work out, and it all happened 0:12:07.040 --> 0:12:11.080 very quickly, thank god. But fuck man, life's just so 0:12:11.440 --> 0:12:16.360 full on, Like so it is fucking full on. I 0:12:16.360 --> 0:12:19.520 can't sometimes I'm shook it. Like I look at people 0:12:19.559 --> 0:12:23.440 sometimes I'm like, you really like life, and I'm like 0:12:24.720 --> 0:12:26.439 one of those I know. 0:12:26.800 --> 0:12:30.600 But you know what the like, even even with your 0:12:30.679 --> 0:12:34.280 mum and the unbelievable grief that you feel, and you'll 0:12:34.320 --> 0:12:37.600 always feel like it never goes away, you'll always feel it. 0:12:38.720 --> 0:12:41.439 But the idea that that grief is so big because 0:12:41.440 --> 0:12:42.560 the love was so big. 0:12:42.720 --> 0:12:44.360 Yeah, yeah, you know what I mean. 0:12:44.520 --> 0:12:46.880 And I totally I've said this before, but I can 0:12:46.920 --> 0:12:51.160 see why people who are religious I envy them because 0:12:51.160 --> 0:12:55.400 I'm name that complete certainty that you're like, I know 0:12:56.720 --> 0:12:57.120 me again? 0:12:57.480 --> 0:13:01.640 Yeah, yeah, you know it's wild, isn't it. I don't 0:13:01.679 --> 0:13:04.520 have any of that. I don't know anyway, that was 0:13:04.559 --> 0:13:10.359 heavy what you got. 0:13:12.120 --> 0:13:16.800 Speaking of mums, I saw such a beautiful thing on 0:13:16.920 --> 0:13:22.120 BuzzFeed the other day. It was people who were sharing 0:13:22.240 --> 0:13:25.440 things that their mums did when they were young that 0:13:26.360 --> 0:13:30.000 sort of fostered a close relationship. 0:13:29.640 --> 0:13:30.680 Between the two of them. 0:13:30.720 --> 0:13:32.800 And I just thought i'd read out a few because 0:13:32.840 --> 0:13:35.240 some of them are things that I think we could 0:13:35.280 --> 0:13:38.160 all adopt like they just especially if you've got younger 0:13:38.240 --> 0:13:41.959 kids as well. But this person wrote, if I had 0:13:41.960 --> 0:13:44.800 to talk to my mum about something uncomfortable or I 0:13:44.880 --> 0:13:47.040 was scared to talk about it, we would do it 0:13:47.160 --> 0:13:50.439 back to back. We would sit literally back to back, 0:13:50.520 --> 0:13:53.320 and she promised to remain calm no matter what I said. 0:13:53.440 --> 0:13:56.800 It was amazing. It opened the line of communication without 0:13:56.880 --> 0:13:59.280 anger or having to make eye contact, which is a 0:13:59.320 --> 0:14:03.640 big thing with you. Huge. Yeah, it was truly safe, 0:14:03.720 --> 0:14:05.640 and if it was something she would be angry or 0:14:05.720 --> 0:14:08.640 upset about, the reaction had to be delayed and thought 0:14:08.679 --> 0:14:12.240 out on her end. She kept her call every single time. 0:14:12.440 --> 0:14:15.040 I have told my mum everything in my life, since 0:14:15.440 --> 0:14:18.320 there's nothing she doesn't know about me or what I've done. 0:14:18.440 --> 0:14:22.440 She's also the best person I've ever known. Wow, that's beautiful, 0:14:22.800 --> 0:14:27.880 that idea of okay, we're making a decision. Yeah, you 0:14:27.920 --> 0:14:29.920 don't have to look at me when you say it. 0:14:30.240 --> 0:14:33.640 I promise to keep my call and go away and 0:14:33.720 --> 0:14:36.480 think about it and then come back and have like, 0:14:36.560 --> 0:14:38.760 once you've processed it, come back and have a calm 0:14:39.000 --> 0:14:40.080 conversation about it. 0:14:40.160 --> 0:14:42.240 I'm like, it's so fucking brilliant. 0:14:42.440 --> 0:14:44.320 I need to do that with a oh, because he 0:14:44.360 --> 0:14:47.760 gets very because I'm fiery and I don't hay often 0:14:47.840 --> 0:14:50.360 just I'm so reactive. He will come in and will 0:14:50.400 --> 0:14:52.920 be like, please, don't be mad at me, but and 0:14:52.960 --> 0:14:54.800 I'm like, oh my god. And then he'll say something 0:14:54.840 --> 0:14:57.760 really basic like I lost my basketball, and I'm like, 0:14:57.800 --> 0:15:00.760 oh my god, mate, like it's so fine. I don't care. 0:15:00.800 --> 0:15:03.640 And I think, what have I like, my reactions been 0:15:03.680 --> 0:15:06.160 to things that have terrified him so much that he's 0:15:06.160 --> 0:15:08.200 scared to even tell me that he'd lost his basketball. 0:15:08.200 --> 0:15:10.400 I mind, mind, jel was three days old than one 0:15:10.480 --> 0:15:12.280 hundred and fifty bucks, so it should be a bit 0:15:12.400 --> 0:15:18.080 fucking scared. But I'm always like, so, yeah, I think 0:15:18.120 --> 0:15:20.320 that that would actually work well with him if I said, 0:15:20.360 --> 0:15:22.000 when you need to tell me things, you don't have 0:15:22.040 --> 0:15:23.840 to look at me. We can turn away from. 0:15:23.640 --> 0:15:25.920 Each other back to back, so your back's at touching him. 0:15:25.920 --> 0:15:30.000 There's also the touching thing that's there as well. But yeah, 0:15:30.040 --> 0:15:33.400 I thought that was really beautiful. And then this was 0:15:33.560 --> 0:15:37.160 just really sweet and sad. This person wrote, I used 0:15:37.160 --> 0:15:40.120 to get bullied pretty harshly in school. Every day I 0:15:40.240 --> 0:15:44.000 come home crying. I never had friends. No one wanted 0:15:44.040 --> 0:15:47.480 to play with me. Something about the word play no 0:15:47.480 --> 0:15:50.760 one wanted to play with me just kills me. And 0:15:50.800 --> 0:15:53.840 she knew that I dreaded. When we had yard time outside, 0:15:53.920 --> 0:15:56.160 she started to show up and we would talk to 0:15:56.240 --> 0:15:59.720 each other through the gate. She always I know, I know. 0:16:00.120 --> 0:16:03.320 She always came with treats in hand, usually a kinder egg, 0:16:03.400 --> 0:16:06.360 and she kept me entertained until my lunch was ober. 0:16:06.680 --> 0:16:07.560 God. 0:16:07.880 --> 0:16:11.640 Oh not that is I read that. 0:16:11.680 --> 0:16:13.920 I'm like so many things about that that are beautiful 0:16:14.000 --> 0:16:16.960 but so sad. I feel so sorry for that kid. 0:16:17.000 --> 0:16:19.440 But that mum, oht breaking. 0:16:19.520 --> 0:16:22.800 It's almost harder for the mum. And also like that 0:16:22.880 --> 0:16:26.680 mom's day, her whole day, like she just put her 0:16:26.720 --> 0:16:29.760 life on hold to go there. I am way too 0:16:29.760 --> 0:16:30.680 selfish to do that. 0:16:31.120 --> 0:16:33.480 No, I think you would if it was if you know, 0:16:34.280 --> 0:16:37.880 if your kid was coming home crying every day, you would, 0:16:38.000 --> 0:16:41.600 I know, you how, My mum had a rule if 0:16:41.640 --> 0:16:44.000 I tell her the truth, she cannot get angry at me. 0:16:44.200 --> 0:16:47.480 My whole life, I felt like I could tell her anything, 0:16:47.520 --> 0:16:50.040 and I've never had to hide anything I struggled with 0:16:50.080 --> 0:16:54.240 out of shame. And then someone wrote, my mom always 0:16:54.240 --> 0:16:56.920 would read whatever book series I was reading, so I 0:16:56.960 --> 0:16:59.920 had someone to talk to about it. Oh my god, 0:17:00.880 --> 0:17:03.560 this is fucking genius. My mum and I had a 0:17:03.680 --> 0:17:06.679 shared journal, so whenever we were in a mood or 0:17:06.720 --> 0:17:09.280 didn't feel like talking, we both wrote down what was 0:17:09.320 --> 0:17:12.600 bothering us and left it under each other's pillows so 0:17:12.680 --> 0:17:13.920 no one else would find it. 0:17:14.200 --> 0:17:18.320 Wow, that's very open, though, because I think of these things. 0:17:18.320 --> 0:17:19.960 I'm like, if I said to backs, let's sit back 0:17:20.000 --> 0:17:22.800 to back and you tell me, you know, like as. 0:17:22.760 --> 0:17:24.520 I look at you like you're an age, he'd be like. 0:17:24.560 --> 0:17:28.080 You're insane. Like certain things work for certain kids, that's 0:17:28.080 --> 0:17:28.520 the thing, and. 0:17:28.560 --> 0:17:32.120 You have to find You have to find your thing, kid, 0:17:32.280 --> 0:17:35.200 like in this day and age, it might be text 0:17:35.280 --> 0:17:38.080 me or whatever, because it might be easier for them 0:17:38.119 --> 0:17:41.000 to say even though that body connection is not there, 0:17:41.560 --> 0:17:43.720 there's still I think the thing is what you want 0:17:43.800 --> 0:17:45.439 is for them to be able to open up to 0:17:45.480 --> 0:17:47.359 you or totally not. 0:17:47.440 --> 0:17:49.760 Because what I said to Sam last night, like, like 0:17:49.920 --> 0:17:52.920 most fifteen year old boys, backs is a closed book. 0:17:53.480 --> 0:17:56.600 I said to Sam last night, like because the other 0:17:56.640 --> 0:17:59.680 day his girlfriend came over. He's just gorgeous. Who when 0:18:00.040 --> 0:18:02.879 his sons he's fourteen. When you're in a like a 0:18:02.960 --> 0:18:05.720 relationship at that age, you've got to really not get attached. 0:18:05.840 --> 0:18:08.399 I'm like, fuck this girl, I'm falling wildly in love with. 0:18:09.400 --> 0:18:12.040 And I said to Sam though, like chatting to her, 0:18:12.160 --> 0:18:15.160 I learned more about what's going on in Baxter's world 0:18:15.160 --> 0:18:17.960 in ten minutes than I have in you know, his 0:18:18.080 --> 0:18:20.000 whole life of what he's shared. And I said to Sam, 0:18:20.320 --> 0:18:23.600 so strange because Sam and I have very open communicators, 0:18:23.640 --> 0:18:28.240 Like Sam, y'are very open, and he sees the vulnerability 0:18:28.240 --> 0:18:31.359 in both of us. Yet he doesn't have he doesn't 0:18:31.400 --> 0:18:34.479 have an ounce of letting himself be vulnerable or sharing anything. 0:18:34.680 --> 0:18:40.000 It's wild, yeah, because they're their own people. I know 0:18:40.760 --> 0:18:43.720 you will have all three of your kids and they're 0:18:43.760 --> 0:18:48.240 all so different, and yourfference, isn't it wild? 0:18:48.280 --> 0:18:50.919 You just kind of assume that they'll be really a 0:18:51.000 --> 0:18:53.399 version of you, but they're totally not. I had that 0:18:53.440 --> 0:18:55.800 the other day with Odie. He did jiu jitsu for 0:18:55.840 --> 0:18:59.560 the first time, which was so gorgeous. But as I 0:18:59.600 --> 0:19:03.160 was sitting they're watching him, I had this huge realization 0:19:03.320 --> 0:19:05.919 that he's his own person. And I know that that 0:19:06.000 --> 0:19:09.200 sounds really strange, but for me, he and I are 0:19:09.240 --> 0:19:13.040 one person. God, I'm so emotional. I'm so sorry, that's 0:19:13.080 --> 0:19:16.400 all right, but just seeing him out doing his own thing, 0:19:16.640 --> 0:19:21.240 I was like, you're you, Like, you're not me, You're 0:19:21.280 --> 0:19:24.159 your own little person out there doing that, and I 0:19:24.200 --> 0:19:27.080 mean he's done a million things on his you know, 0:19:27.480 --> 0:19:29.760 but it was just that one moment. It just clicked 0:19:29.760 --> 0:19:32.040 to me and I'm like, you're on your own path. 0:19:32.320 --> 0:19:35.160 You're your own person. Child. 0:19:35.600 --> 0:19:36.600 Isn't it horrible? 0:19:37.119 --> 0:19:40.040 Yeah, it was like, get back in the womb, get 0:19:40.080 --> 0:19:40.320 back in. 0:19:40.359 --> 0:19:43.640 It's actually beautiful, And it's also fascinating to think they're 0:19:43.680 --> 0:19:48.200 their own little soul, Like where come from? Totally weeb 0:19:48.560 --> 0:19:53.280 Like I don't know, I don't know, isn't it. But yeah, our. 0:19:53.200 --> 0:19:56.160 Kids fucking try as we try as hard as we can, 0:19:56.320 --> 0:19:59.479 but it's it's hard, actually, you know, when you were 0:19:59.520 --> 0:20:04.119 talking about out backs not being as open or whatever, 0:20:04.200 --> 0:20:06.359 and you got you and Sam being very open or whatever. 0:20:06.359 --> 0:20:08.720 And I think as a teenager, I think a lot 0:20:08.760 --> 0:20:12.719 of a lot of them have shame around things like 0:20:13.000 --> 0:20:15.920 for example, if you say, oh, you know, I asked 0:20:15.960 --> 0:20:17.720 you to do this one thing and you couldn't do 0:20:17.800 --> 0:20:22.679 it to help me, right, that it's them reacting to 0:20:22.720 --> 0:20:25.480 it or not reacting to it or whatever is sort 0:20:25.480 --> 0:20:28.520 of they know, they know, fuck, all I had to 0:20:28.560 --> 0:20:30.680 do was give her a chop out with this one thing, 0:20:31.920 --> 0:20:35.480 I know. And sometimes when it's an explosive reaction, it's 0:20:35.520 --> 0:20:39.120 because they feel shit about themselves. And I read this 0:20:39.160 --> 0:20:43.600 thing the other day that really resonated very deeply with me, 0:20:44.440 --> 0:20:46.320 and I think it will with you too. But this 0:20:46.920 --> 0:20:50.639 person wrote, you can tell how much internal shame someone 0:20:50.760 --> 0:20:55.160 has by how judgmental they are. Every judgment you make 0:20:55.200 --> 0:20:57.720 about someone else is pointing to a part of you 0:20:57.800 --> 0:21:00.840 that you're still rejecting. This is exactly why the things 0:21:00.840 --> 0:21:04.560 that bother you so much are oddly hyper specific. The 0:21:04.680 --> 0:21:08.240 lazy person triggers you if you never allow yourself to rest, 0:21:08.600 --> 0:21:11.199