1 00:00:05,921 --> 00:00:13,241 Speaker 1: Apogae Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashy 2 00:00:13,281 --> 00:00:16,881 Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana. This podcast is about female empowerment. 3 00:00:16,441 --> 00:00:18,881 Speaker 2: And encouraging you to be your biggest and boldest and 4 00:00:18,961 --> 00:00:20,800 Speaker 2: most authentic version of yourself. 5 00:00:20,961 --> 00:00:23,281 Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level. 6 00:00:23,361 --> 00:00:26,241 Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone 7 00:00:26,281 --> 00:00:27,801 Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about. 8 00:00:28,401 --> 00:00:30,761 Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level of self. 9 00:00:31,481 --> 00:00:33,801 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, welcome back to she Rises. 10 00:00:34,081 --> 00:00:37,720 Speaker 2: How you feeling so good by conversation? It's one of 11 00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:38,680 Speaker 2: my favorite topics. 12 00:00:38,801 --> 00:00:40,921 Speaker 1: I know and you guys love and we talk about 13 00:00:41,001 --> 00:00:43,840 Speaker 1: sex and self pleasure and relationships. And today we have 14 00:00:43,881 --> 00:00:47,720 Speaker 1: a very spicy episode, the very spicy gal called Lily. Lily, 15 00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:48,521 Speaker 1: Welcome to the show. 16 00:00:48,681 --> 00:00:51,400 Speaker 3: Thank you so much, Ashy and Tiana. What a pleasure. 17 00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:55,081 Speaker 1: We are really excited to have this chat because we 18 00:00:55,121 --> 00:00:58,241 Speaker 1: talk about it all the time. But you work with 19 00:00:58,321 --> 00:01:01,161 Speaker 1: a Bush, which is the number one sex toy brand 20 00:01:01,241 --> 00:01:03,441 Speaker 1: in Australia, and we were so lucky to have them 21 00:01:04,041 --> 00:01:07,081 Speaker 1: gift all of our girls my Galentine's event a little vibrator. 22 00:01:07,761 --> 00:01:09,321 Speaker 2: All of the girls were so excited. 23 00:01:09,481 --> 00:01:10,720 Speaker 1: Yeah, they were stoked. 24 00:01:10,961 --> 00:01:12,721 Speaker 2: All of the girl's faces when they pulled it out 25 00:01:12,761 --> 00:01:14,761 Speaker 2: of the bag, with like, Oh are you kidding? This 26 00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:16,761 Speaker 2: is what we get? Like, I know what all of 27 00:01:16,801 --> 00:01:17,800 Speaker 2: you are doing later tonight. 28 00:01:18,881 --> 00:01:22,360 Speaker 3: Oh yeah. The thing about bullet vibrators, I am reformed. 29 00:01:22,441 --> 00:01:24,641 Speaker 3: Up until a few years ago, I had never used 30 00:01:24,681 --> 00:01:27,041 Speaker 3: a bullet vibrator. Every time I looked at them, I 31 00:01:27,081 --> 00:01:30,721 Speaker 3: was like, Oh, They're so small, What could this possibly 32 00:01:30,881 --> 00:01:31,401 Speaker 3: do for me? 33 00:01:32,321 --> 00:01:33,481 Speaker 1: How wrong? I was? 34 00:01:33,681 --> 00:01:36,481 Speaker 3: Oh my god? And then I went to an event 35 00:01:36,681 --> 00:01:38,961 Speaker 3: I think at the end of twenty twenty two, bought 36 00:01:38,961 --> 00:01:42,160 Speaker 3: a bullet vibrator and I have never looked back. They 37 00:01:42,161 --> 00:01:44,801 Speaker 3: are criminally underrated and so versatile. 38 00:01:45,041 --> 00:01:49,041 Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I love you. I so agree, so good, 39 00:01:49,161 --> 00:01:51,801 Speaker 1: small but mighty yes. Which you about to tell us 40 00:01:51,881 --> 00:01:55,081 Speaker 1: a little bit of your background story around self pleasure 41 00:01:55,241 --> 00:01:58,121 Speaker 1: working with Bush being a sex ologist. I loved her 42 00:01:58,121 --> 00:01:59,401 Speaker 1: a little bit more about you. 43 00:01:59,761 --> 00:02:04,841 Speaker 3: I've always been fascinated by sex, pleasure and relationships. Literally 44 00:02:05,241 --> 00:02:08,361 Speaker 3: I was young. I've always been really curious about what 45 00:02:08,441 --> 00:02:11,401 Speaker 3: motivates people to do what they do, and particularly when 46 00:02:11,441 --> 00:02:14,401 Speaker 3: it comes to sex. It's always been something that in 47 00:02:14,441 --> 00:02:17,921 Speaker 3: our culture is so taboo and shrouded in stigma, and 48 00:02:18,441 --> 00:02:21,441 Speaker 3: it shouldn't be, because sexual health and sexual pleasure is 49 00:02:21,601 --> 00:02:25,321 Speaker 3: our birthright. We deserve to feel good and connect it 50 00:02:25,361 --> 00:02:29,001 Speaker 3: and experience pleasure. It's not a reward for labor or 51 00:02:29,041 --> 00:02:31,921 Speaker 3: something that we get after we finally tick off all 52 00:02:31,921 --> 00:02:34,120 Speaker 3: the things on our never ending to do lists, right, 53 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:37,160 Speaker 3: I think we can all relate to that. I grew 54 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:41,481 Speaker 3: up on Dolly Doctor ripping open the sealed section, like hello, 55 00:02:41,641 --> 00:02:44,960 Speaker 3: there is nothing as satisfying as tearing open the sealed 56 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:48,761 Speaker 3: section and digging into the sealacious insides. I'd agree it 57 00:02:48,841 --> 00:02:51,761 Speaker 3: is an unmatched high. And so yeah, I grew up 58 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:53,921 Speaker 3: on that, and I was always the go to gal 59 00:02:54,001 --> 00:02:58,921 Speaker 3: in my friendship circle for any questions about sex, relationships, masturbation. 60 00:02:59,561 --> 00:03:02,241 Speaker 3: Even people that I wasn't friends with would approach me 61 00:03:02,401 --> 00:03:05,120 Speaker 3: or send me a message on Instagram be like, whoa, Y, 62 00:03:05,841 --> 00:03:08,601 Speaker 3: so this thing is happening. I might tell me about it. 63 00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:11,761 Speaker 3: Let's workshop this together. And then when I was fifteen, 64 00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:14,961 Speaker 3: I was scrolling through Instagram as one does, and I 65 00:03:15,001 --> 00:03:17,401 Speaker 3: came across the account of a sexologist and I was like, 66 00:03:17,601 --> 00:03:21,441 Speaker 3: this is a job. This is insane. From that moment, 67 00:03:21,481 --> 00:03:23,081 Speaker 3: I was like, Yeah, this is what I'm going to 68 00:03:23,121 --> 00:03:26,481 Speaker 3: be doing hands down and finally bit the bullet and 69 00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:29,441 Speaker 3: trained as a sematic sexologist a few years ago. And 70 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:32,201 Speaker 3: it was a really intentional choice to train as a 71 00:03:32,201 --> 00:03:35,681 Speaker 3: sematic sexologist. For those of you that don't know, sematic 72 00:03:35,801 --> 00:03:38,401 Speaker 3: means of the body right. So when I'm looking at 73 00:03:38,441 --> 00:03:41,161 Speaker 3: that through the lens of sex, it means awareness of 74 00:03:41,201 --> 00:03:44,441 Speaker 3: your body. It means bringing your body online and feeling 75 00:03:44,561 --> 00:03:49,201 Speaker 3: and noticing all the sensations, the pleasure, the emotions, the 76 00:03:49,241 --> 00:03:52,641 Speaker 3: feelings that you can sense, and making it a sensory 77 00:03:52,761 --> 00:03:58,081 Speaker 3: smorkersport right, rather than a disembodied experience. And so through 78 00:03:58,161 --> 00:04:01,121 Speaker 3: my work, I work with individuals and couples in sessions, 79 00:04:01,161 --> 00:04:04,481 Speaker 3: I run workshops, I create content for brands like Bush, 80 00:04:04,561 --> 00:04:08,041 Speaker 3: which is incredible. I just love being able to connect 81 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:10,441 Speaker 3: with people in this way and have conversations like this 82 00:04:10,561 --> 00:04:14,321 Speaker 3: about sex, because I think open conversations around sex are 83 00:04:14,321 --> 00:04:16,921 Speaker 3: what begins to shed some of the shame and taboo 84 00:04:17,001 --> 00:04:19,481 Speaker 3: that most of us are carrying around sex and pleasure. 85 00:04:19,841 --> 00:04:21,880 Speaker 1: I absolutely love that. I just realize I've been calling 86 00:04:21,921 --> 00:04:24,880 Speaker 1: it vash is a bush. Oh my bush, so embarrassed. 87 00:04:24,921 --> 00:04:27,201 Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. I have 88 00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:29,481 Speaker 1: been doing the same too, Oh, that's really cool that 89 00:04:29,521 --> 00:04:32,281 Speaker 1: you work with couples, individuals workshops Like, I want to 90 00:04:32,281 --> 00:04:33,721 Speaker 1: come to a workshop. Can you let us know when 91 00:04:33,761 --> 00:04:34,081 Speaker 1: you have one? 92 00:04:34,161 --> 00:04:35,080 Speaker 2: Yeah, when's the next week? 93 00:04:35,961 --> 00:04:36,441 Speaker 1: Yes? 94 00:04:36,761 --> 00:04:39,281 Speaker 3: Yes. One of the things that I love so much 95 00:04:39,521 --> 00:04:43,201 Speaker 3: about group events and group workshops and talking about sex 96 00:04:43,241 --> 00:04:46,561 Speaker 3: in that group setting. Yes, it can feel so edgy, right, 97 00:04:46,601 --> 00:04:49,881 Speaker 3: it can feel really uncomfortable. Often when I run workshops, 98 00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:52,761 Speaker 3: the first exercise that I run is a question game 99 00:04:52,801 --> 00:04:55,081 Speaker 3: with people, getting them to speak to strangers and answer 100 00:04:55,121 --> 00:04:58,080 Speaker 3: questions like what's your steamiest midday fantasy? 101 00:04:58,361 --> 00:04:59,601 Speaker 1: Or how do you like. 102 00:04:59,601 --> 00:05:03,161 Speaker 3: To be touched? Or what turns you on sexually? And 103 00:05:03,681 --> 00:05:06,840 Speaker 3: I love watching the little twinge of discomfort at the beginning, 104 00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:09,521 Speaker 3: when they're like, whoa, am I really about to divulge 105 00:05:09,561 --> 00:05:13,760 Speaker 3: this to a stranger. But once those floodgates open, what 106 00:05:13,961 --> 00:05:19,001 Speaker 3: happens is so incredible. Our sense of internalized shame begins 107 00:05:19,041 --> 00:05:22,760 Speaker 3: to fall away a little bit. And because we seldom 108 00:05:22,841 --> 00:05:26,641 Speaker 3: speak openly about sex and our preferences and our proclivities, 109 00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:31,321 Speaker 3: many people think that they're weird. They're weird, they're broken, 110 00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:34,241 Speaker 3: there's something wrong with them, which is not the case. 111 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:38,441 Speaker 3: Our sexuality is as unique as our fingerprint. Right. Our desire, 112 00:05:38,521 --> 00:05:42,001 Speaker 3: our preferences, what we enjoy all as unique as our fingerprint. 113 00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:46,001 Speaker 3: And because we don't speak about this, and conversations about 114 00:05:46,041 --> 00:05:48,681 Speaker 3: sex aren't as normalized as oh, what did you do 115 00:05:48,761 --> 00:05:50,640 Speaker 3: on the weekend, or what are you having for dinner? 116 00:05:50,801 --> 00:05:53,241 Speaker 3: Or what are you looking for to this month? Right, 117 00:05:53,801 --> 00:05:57,801 Speaker 3: we have so much internalized shame that really holds us 118 00:05:57,801 --> 00:06:01,521 Speaker 3: back from stepping into our full potential. And so witnessing 119 00:06:01,561 --> 00:06:04,601 Speaker 3: people speak about sex in a group setting at a workshop, 120 00:06:04,721 --> 00:06:07,440 Speaker 3: learning and engaging, and it takes the pressure off and 121 00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:10,121 Speaker 3: our best learning comes from our peers. You know, I 122 00:06:10,121 --> 00:06:12,241 Speaker 3: always say at the start of my workshops, I'm not 123 00:06:12,281 --> 00:06:14,401 Speaker 3: the expert. I'm just a guide for this, you know, 124 00:06:15,001 --> 00:06:17,640 Speaker 3: I will share with you. But we have so much 125 00:06:17,681 --> 00:06:18,760 Speaker 3: to learn from each other. 126 00:06:19,521 --> 00:06:22,601 Speaker 1: That's so cool. And we've found even with our friendship, 127 00:06:22,681 --> 00:06:26,681 Speaker 1: we talk about everything, all the fantasies, all the things 128 00:06:26,721 --> 00:06:28,361 Speaker 1: have done, the things we'd like to do, things that 129 00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:30,361 Speaker 1: scare us. And that's why we want to have more 130 00:06:30,361 --> 00:06:33,721 Speaker 1: conversations with people like you to dissolve that shame and 131 00:06:33,761 --> 00:06:36,641 Speaker 1: embarrassment because you do, like even when we first shared, 132 00:06:36,721 --> 00:06:38,921 Speaker 1: like our fantasies it's like, oh, well, what do you 133 00:06:38,921 --> 00:06:41,081 Speaker 1: think of that? Like, you know, you're worried what they're 134 00:06:41,121 --> 00:06:43,321 Speaker 1: going to think of you. But then when they're like, oh, 135 00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:45,361 Speaker 1: fuck you, I haven't thought about that. That sounds cool. 136 00:06:45,401 --> 00:06:47,481 Speaker 1: It's like, oh, okay, I'm not the only one that's 137 00:06:47,521 --> 00:06:50,081 Speaker 1: thinking about this. It's really cool to open up this conversation. 138 00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:52,121 Speaker 1: Just make the conversation fun. 139 00:06:52,521 --> 00:06:55,241 Speaker 2: Yeah, we like se ip our toe in a little bit. 140 00:06:55,281 --> 00:06:57,401 Speaker 2: You know. It's like you're testing the waters to see 141 00:06:57,521 --> 00:07:00,281 Speaker 2: how comfortable that person is with a certain conversation. We're 142 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:05,320 Speaker 2: like so and threesomes and this girl, Yeah, I feel 143 00:07:05,361 --> 00:07:07,241 Speaker 2: in the waters, you know. And it is. It's so 144 00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:09,521 Speaker 2: healing as well, because when you realize that you can 145 00:07:09,601 --> 00:07:13,801 Speaker 2: have open, honest conversations, you realize that that person isn't 146 00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:15,720 Speaker 2: going to make an assumption about who you are because 147 00:07:15,721 --> 00:07:17,961 Speaker 2: of what you're thinking and feeling or what you may 148 00:07:18,001 --> 00:07:21,761 Speaker 2: be you know, fantasizing about or just wanting to explore 149 00:07:21,841 --> 00:07:24,121 Speaker 2: within yourself or within others. It just gets to be 150 00:07:24,321 --> 00:07:27,361 Speaker 2: an open playing field. There's no judgment. Everything gets to 151 00:07:27,361 --> 00:07:29,161 Speaker 2: be there, and then whether you want to do that 152 00:07:29,281 --> 00:07:31,481 Speaker 2: or not is totally up to you. But the conversation 153 00:07:31,601 --> 00:07:32,441 Speaker 2: is important to have. 154 00:07:32,681 --> 00:07:34,601 Speaker 1: We get pushback when we talk about it, Like on 155 00:07:34,641 --> 00:07:36,561 Speaker 1: the other day, it's like, oh my god, as she's 156 00:07:36,561 --> 00:07:38,761 Speaker 1: a disgusting mom, how dare she talk about a or 157 00:07:38,801 --> 00:07:41,481 Speaker 1: her kids will be so embarrassed. I'm like, no, they won't. 158 00:07:41,521 --> 00:07:43,201 Speaker 1: I want them to be able to do whatever they 159 00:07:43,201 --> 00:07:45,561 Speaker 1: want to do and feel comfortable in their sexuality. And 160 00:07:45,601 --> 00:07:47,161 Speaker 1: I have to lead the way with that. And what 161 00:07:47,281 --> 00:07:49,401 Speaker 1: just because I've given birth out of my vagina, I'm 162 00:07:49,401 --> 00:07:52,321 Speaker 1: not allowed to enjoy sex, I'm not allowed to be sexy, 163 00:07:52,401 --> 00:07:54,721 Speaker 1: Like where is that rule book come from? No thanks, 164 00:07:54,761 --> 00:07:57,881 Speaker 1: I'm going to encourage all mothers to find their sexual 165 00:07:57,961 --> 00:07:59,641 Speaker 1: energy again after becoming a mum. 166 00:07:59,841 --> 00:08:01,641 Speaker 2: It's like you have to be conservative now that you're 167 00:08:01,641 --> 00:08:03,121 Speaker 2: a mother, and you're not allowed to talk about all 168 00:08:03,161 --> 00:08:04,401 Speaker 2: these taboo things, which is. 169 00:08:04,321 --> 00:08:07,041 Speaker 1: Not true, no way. So I just want to break 170 00:08:07,121 --> 00:08:09,961 Speaker 1: those old conditions and limiting beliefs that a lot of 171 00:08:10,001 --> 00:08:12,241 Speaker 1: mothers and women have. And that starts within me. And 172 00:08:12,321 --> 00:08:14,921 Speaker 1: I'm very like drawn and like not attracted in a 173 00:08:14,961 --> 00:08:18,841 Speaker 1: sexual or maybe, but to women who really have that 174 00:08:19,081 --> 00:08:22,441 Speaker 1: confidence in who they are and their sexuality. My girlfriend Megan, 175 00:08:22,881 --> 00:08:25,441 Speaker 1: she's the most open, loving person I remember asking her 176 00:08:25,481 --> 00:08:28,041 Speaker 1: are you bisexual then, and she was like, I don't 177 00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:30,841 Speaker 1: like labeling myself. I love love, I love people, I 178 00:08:30,881 --> 00:08:33,521 Speaker 1: love energy. I don't care what your gender is. I 179 00:08:33,641 --> 00:08:35,641 Speaker 1: just love love. And I was blown away with that. 180 00:08:35,681 --> 00:08:37,521 Speaker 1: I was like, oh my gosh, that's what I want 181 00:08:37,561 --> 00:08:39,881 Speaker 1: to be. It's not about gender. It's just about this 182 00:08:40,041 --> 00:08:42,801 Speaker 1: energy and connection and the love that you feel, the 183 00:08:42,841 --> 00:08:44,921 Speaker 1: safety you feel within a dynamic. And I think that 184 00:08:45,041 --> 00:08:46,081 Speaker 1: is so for con beautiful. 185 00:08:46,281 --> 00:08:49,841 Speaker 3: I speak to so many people who are seeking greater 186 00:08:50,201 --> 00:08:53,721 Speaker 3: levels of intimacy, deeper intimacy in all facets of their life, 187 00:08:53,761 --> 00:08:57,161 Speaker 3: whether that's during sex, in their romantic relationships, or in 188 00:08:57,161 --> 00:09:01,721 Speaker 3: their platonic relationships, and vulnerability is the price of admission 189 00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:06,481 Speaker 3: for deeper into our right Well said, yeah, you can't 190 00:09:06,521 --> 00:09:10,881 Speaker 3: just magic your way too deep intimacy where you all 191 00:09:10,881 --> 00:09:14,041 Speaker 3: of a sudden feel super comfortable to share all the 192 00:09:14,081 --> 00:09:17,241 Speaker 3: things that you have never spoken aloud to a single person. 193 00:09:17,761 --> 00:09:20,281 Speaker 3: It is going to be uncomfortable. You are going to 194 00:09:20,321 --> 00:09:23,041 Speaker 3: feel vulnerable. You are going to probably feel like as 195 00:09:23,041 --> 00:09:25,161 Speaker 3: soon as this comes out of your mouth that you're like, ah, 196 00:09:25,241 --> 00:09:26,601 Speaker 3: I want to hide andre a Dorener for the rest 197 00:09:26,601 --> 00:09:26,881 Speaker 3: of the day. 198 00:09:26,921 --> 00:09:29,801 Speaker 2: Don't look at me. The vulnerability hangover is real. Oh, 199 00:09:29,921 --> 00:09:30,921 Speaker 2: it's so real. 200 00:09:31,161 --> 00:09:32,001 Speaker 1: It's so real. 201 00:09:32,161 --> 00:09:34,761 Speaker 3: Honestly, for those of your listeners, get yourself a friend 202 00:09:34,801 --> 00:09:37,721 Speaker 3: who's an oversharer, because you know they'll get you there. 203 00:09:38,761 --> 00:09:41,841 Speaker 2: That's so true, Lily. I want to ask you a question. 204 00:09:42,321 --> 00:09:45,681 Speaker 2: If you have your own backstory of your self pleasure journey, 205 00:09:45,681 --> 00:09:47,321 Speaker 2: we'd love to know a little bit about that and 206 00:09:47,361 --> 00:09:49,681 Speaker 2: your experience and what that was like for you growing up. 207 00:09:49,881 --> 00:09:52,921 Speaker 3: I started masturbating young, and it was just a real 208 00:09:53,081 --> 00:09:56,801 Speaker 3: curiosity about my body, Like I've always been somebody who 209 00:09:56,881 --> 00:10:01,041 Speaker 3: has really enjoyed touch, either from others or from myself, 210 00:10:01,161 --> 00:10:04,601 Speaker 3: Like I'll just be absent mindedly, like stroke in my head, 211 00:10:05,321 --> 00:10:08,241 Speaker 3: you know, in my hand in this way. It's something 212 00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:12,041 Speaker 3: that's really regulating. And after I got diagnosed with ADHD 213 00:10:12,121 --> 00:10:14,641 Speaker 3: a couple of years ago, that made so much more sense. 214 00:10:14,681 --> 00:10:16,921 Speaker 3: It's a form of stimming, it's a form of regulation. 215 00:10:17,081 --> 00:10:20,481 Speaker 3: So whenever I'm thinking or I'm stressed out, you'll see 216 00:10:20,521 --> 00:10:23,441 Speaker 3: me doing something like that. Often it's some sort of touch. 217 00:10:23,521 --> 00:10:26,081 Speaker 3: I find it really regulating and really soothing, and so 218 00:10:26,561 --> 00:10:29,921 Speaker 3: masturbation began as a natural extension of that, and then 219 00:10:29,961 --> 00:10:33,441 Speaker 3: I was like, oh, hold up a minute, this feels 220 00:10:33,521 --> 00:10:39,161 Speaker 3: really good. And I think after I had my first orgasm, 221 00:10:39,201 --> 00:10:42,921 Speaker 3: I was like, dear God, I want approximately a trillion 222 00:10:43,081 --> 00:10:46,161 Speaker 3: more of these, and I want them now. And so yeah, 223 00:10:46,161 --> 00:10:49,641 Speaker 3: I just really started to explore my body and what 224 00:10:49,681 --> 00:10:52,241 Speaker 3: was possible with my pleasure. And I think that's the 225 00:10:52,281 --> 00:10:56,121 Speaker 3: biggest thing that I want to discuss, is like, my 226 00:10:56,241 --> 00:11:00,401 Speaker 3: mindset around pleasure and my ethos is that your potential 227 00:11:00,481 --> 00:11:06,041 Speaker 3: to experience pleasure is infinite. Right. The more you pryoritize pleasure, 228 00:11:06,121 --> 00:11:08,161 Speaker 3: the more you engage with it, the more you get 229 00:11:08,281 --> 00:11:11,241 Speaker 3: out of your head and into your body, the more 230 00:11:11,281 --> 00:11:14,081 Speaker 3: you will be able to feel, and your capacity for 231 00:11:14,161 --> 00:11:19,161 Speaker 3: feeling and sensitization increases. Right to me, that is just 232 00:11:19,361 --> 00:11:24,241 Speaker 3: so intoxicating. Your capacity for pleasure is limitless. It's infinite. 233 00:11:24,241 --> 00:11:27,001 Speaker 3: It is whatever you want it to be. And that 234 00:11:27,081 --> 00:11:29,761 Speaker 3: has always been something that has personally driven me in 235 00:11:29,801 --> 00:11:33,241 Speaker 3: my own pleasure practices. It's like, well, how deep can 236 00:11:33,281 --> 00:11:36,401 Speaker 3: I go with this? How much pleisure can I feel? 237 00:11:36,521 --> 00:11:38,041 Speaker 3: And not in a way of I want more and 238 00:11:38,121 --> 00:11:40,081 Speaker 3: more and more and more. Of course, it is like 239 00:11:40,161 --> 00:11:43,521 Speaker 3: that sometimes, but most of the time it's like, Wow, 240 00:11:43,841 --> 00:11:47,201 Speaker 3: This feels so good and it is so energizing and 241 00:11:47,321 --> 00:11:51,041 Speaker 3: has the most magnificent ripple effect into every other facet 242 00:11:51,081 --> 00:11:53,201 Speaker 3: of my life. And this is something that I observe 243 00:11:53,241 --> 00:11:55,721 Speaker 3: in my clients and people I speak to as well. Right, 244 00:11:56,001 --> 00:11:58,161 Speaker 3: you know when you have a really good orgasm or 245 00:11:58,201 --> 00:12:00,641 Speaker 3: some really amazing sex and you're just walking around for 246 00:12:00,641 --> 00:12:05,641 Speaker 3: the next few days, like, yeah, like loving yourself, Like 247 00:12:05,761 --> 00:12:08,001 Speaker 3: the post scasm glow is real. 248 00:12:08,401 --> 00:12:08,561 Speaker 2: Yes. 249 00:12:09,201 --> 00:12:12,961 Speaker 3: When I think about sexual energy, it's not just sexual energy, right, 250 00:12:13,041 --> 00:12:16,841 Speaker 3: it is our creative energy, It's our life force energy. 251 00:12:17,041 --> 00:12:21,121 Speaker 3: It's such a well spring of vitality and gusto for 252 00:12:21,201 --> 00:12:24,441 Speaker 3: our entire life. And so I think for me that 253 00:12:24,521 --> 00:12:27,641 Speaker 3: has always been a really motivating force behind my pleasure 254 00:12:27,681 --> 00:12:31,201 Speaker 3: practices and behind why I became a sexologist in the beginning, 255 00:12:31,241 --> 00:12:34,761 Speaker 3: because I want to share this with people. Overwhelmingly, you know, 256 00:12:34,881 --> 00:12:37,641 Speaker 3: so many people that I speak to are having really 257 00:12:37,721 --> 00:12:41,441 Speaker 3: subpass sex or masturbation has never felt good for them, 258 00:12:41,561 --> 00:12:43,761 Speaker 3: or they just think pleasure and sex isn't for them, 259 00:12:43,881 --> 00:12:47,081 Speaker 3: particularly women that I speak to. Right, lots of women 260 00:12:47,081 --> 00:12:49,321 Speaker 3: that I speak to, sex is something that is done 261 00:12:49,441 --> 00:12:52,881 Speaker 3: to them, right, It's not a co created experience that 262 00:12:52,921 --> 00:12:56,001 Speaker 3: they get to engage in. So I think that is 263 00:12:56,041 --> 00:12:59,201 Speaker 3: a really useful reframe as well. Your pleasure is yours, 264 00:12:59,281 --> 00:13:00,881 Speaker 3: pleasure is your birthright. 265 00:13:01,241 --> 00:13:06,721 Speaker 1: That's powerful. Absolutely love that. We sometimes talk about vibrators 266 00:13:06,921 --> 00:13:08,521 Speaker 1: and we love them, We really really do. 267 00:13:08,681 --> 00:13:09,761 Speaker 3: Oh yeah, who doesn't. 268 00:13:10,001 --> 00:13:13,441 Speaker 1: However, in your opinion, can they be overused? And for 269 00:13:13,481 --> 00:13:18,321 Speaker 1: me personally, I would much prefer my men's mouth or fingers. Honestly, 270 00:13:18,361 --> 00:13:20,561 Speaker 1: my orgasm is ten times better than with a vibrator. 271 00:13:21,121 --> 00:13:24,081 Speaker 1: But with a vibrator it desensitizes me. That's why I 272 00:13:24,121 --> 00:13:26,281 Speaker 1: don't like to use them all that often because and 273 00:13:26,321 --> 00:13:28,321 Speaker 1: then I find if I use one, I need a 274 00:13:28,321 --> 00:13:30,521 Speaker 1: few more days to get sensitive. Again, is this a 275 00:13:30,521 --> 00:13:32,121 Speaker 1: common thing or is my body weird? 276 00:13:32,321 --> 00:13:35,761 Speaker 3: Your body is not weird to your body is functioning 277 00:13:35,881 --> 00:13:39,281 Speaker 3: as normal. So a bit of myth busting. Something that 278 00:13:39,321 --> 00:13:42,641 Speaker 3: I see a lot of on social media, particularly in 279 00:13:42,961 --> 00:13:47,521 Speaker 3: the more in more sacred sexuality communities, is rhetoric around 280 00:13:47,561 --> 00:13:51,321 Speaker 3: this idea that vibrators desensitize your genitals and that they 281 00:13:51,321 --> 00:13:54,801 Speaker 3: destroy nerve endings over time. This is not true, right, 282 00:13:55,281 --> 00:13:57,361 Speaker 3: So if I was rubbing on my hand right now 283 00:13:57,601 --> 00:14:00,161 Speaker 3: like this, if I was to do that for an hour. 284 00:14:00,601 --> 00:14:03,401 Speaker 3: My nerve endings are not going to go away, right, 285 00:14:03,481 --> 00:14:05,401 Speaker 3: I cannot rub them away. That is not how nerve 286 00:14:05,481 --> 00:14:08,281 Speaker 3: endings work. But after an hour of rubbing in this way, 287 00:14:08,641 --> 00:14:10,401 Speaker 3: I'm probably not going to be able to feel much, 288 00:14:10,641 --> 00:14:14,281 Speaker 3: right because I've oversensitized that area. That's what happens when 289 00:14:14,641 --> 00:14:16,681 Speaker 3: we get a bit desensitized or a bit numb from 290 00:14:16,761 --> 00:14:20,361 Speaker 3: using vibrators. So this isn't a vibrators are terrible, throw 291 00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:23,721 Speaker 3: them out, never used, no way, never, God No. What's 292 00:14:23,801 --> 00:14:27,881 Speaker 3: important is switching up the stimulation. Right, So if you 293 00:14:28,081 --> 00:14:31,201 Speaker 3: are routinely masturbating with a vibrator in the same position, 294 00:14:31,321 --> 00:14:34,961 Speaker 3: on the same setting, not breathing, not moving, holding your breath, 295 00:14:35,081 --> 00:14:38,161 Speaker 3: all of those things, you are training your body to 296 00:14:38,241 --> 00:14:40,401 Speaker 3: respond to a certain type of stimulation. 297 00:14:40,841 --> 00:14:41,721 Speaker 2: Right, it makes sense. 298 00:14:41,921 --> 00:14:44,161 Speaker 3: And so if you're not regularly switching things up, your 299 00:14:44,161 --> 00:14:46,561 Speaker 3: body is like, Okay, this is what I need in 300 00:14:46,681 --> 00:14:48,841 Speaker 3: order to feel turned on and in order to come 301 00:14:49,041 --> 00:14:51,841 Speaker 3: If you find yourself like your vibrator just isn't cutting 302 00:14:51,841 --> 00:14:54,361 Speaker 3: the mustard few or when you're going back to partner 303 00:14:54,481 --> 00:14:58,041 Speaker 3: sex or what I like to call acoustic or analog masturbation, 304 00:14:58,161 --> 00:14:59,761 Speaker 3: which is when you use your hands and not a 305 00:14:59,801 --> 00:15:03,841 Speaker 3: fine day. Yeah, if that's feeling a bit numb, what 306 00:15:03,881 --> 00:15:06,001 Speaker 3: you need to do is switch up your sex and 307 00:15:06,081 --> 00:15:10,841 Speaker 3: masturbation routine. Incorporate different types of touch, different types of stimulation. 308 00:15:11,401 --> 00:15:14,361 Speaker 3: We need to keep our body awake and energize, so 309 00:15:14,441 --> 00:15:16,841 Speaker 3: we need to sensitize our tissue and are all of 310 00:15:16,841 --> 00:15:20,641 Speaker 3: our erectile tissue in our body so over using vibrators 311 00:15:20,721 --> 00:15:23,361 Speaker 3: will not destroy your nerve endings. But if you're finding 312 00:15:23,441 --> 00:15:25,521 Speaker 3: that you're just not getting the same amount of pleasure, 313 00:15:25,521 --> 00:15:27,921 Speaker 3: then you once had switch it up. Try a new 314 00:15:27,961 --> 00:15:30,201 Speaker 3: type of toy, Try using it in a different way. 315 00:15:30,481 --> 00:15:33,801 Speaker 3: Switch up your masturbation routine. Add some movement, add some 316 00:15:33,881 --> 00:15:37,401 Speaker 3: breath into it, and that will bring back the pleasure. 317 00:15:37,681 --> 00:15:39,761 Speaker 1: It's a perfect answer because it's literally what I do. 318 00:15:40,081 --> 00:15:42,281 Speaker 1: Like I'll never just want his hands or just want 319 00:15:42,281 --> 00:15:43,961 Speaker 1: his mouth, or just want my hands, or just want 320 00:15:43,961 --> 00:15:47,001 Speaker 1: a vibrator like I actually enjoy all of it equally, 321 00:15:47,401 --> 00:15:48,961 Speaker 1: So just make sure I mix it up all the time. 322 00:15:49,001 --> 00:15:51,961 Speaker 1: And it's so cool because variety in sex for me anyway, 323 00:15:52,001 --> 00:15:53,881 Speaker 1: it stops you from ever being bored because it keeps 324 00:15:53,881 --> 00:15:54,641 Speaker 1: it really exciting. 325 00:15:54,801 --> 00:15:57,601 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's before. Yeah, actually I've spoken about this where 326 00:15:57,601 --> 00:16:01,801 Speaker 2: I've put myself on like a vibrator band because before 327 00:16:01,841 --> 00:16:04,161 Speaker 2: I had my current partner, now I was doing that. 328 00:16:04,241 --> 00:16:07,481 Speaker 2: I was doing exactly you just described of same position, 329 00:16:07,721 --> 00:16:10,401 Speaker 2: same technique SA using the same vibrator and the same 330 00:16:10,441 --> 00:16:14,881 Speaker 2: position not fully breathing, and I remember feeling that desensitized 331 00:16:14,881 --> 00:16:16,641 Speaker 2: feeling where I was like, Oh, I just I need 332 00:16:16,681 --> 00:16:19,521 Speaker 2: that specific setting in order for me to reach orgasm. 333 00:16:19,921 --> 00:16:21,921 Speaker 2: And then when I met my current partner, now like 334 00:16:21,961 --> 00:16:23,961 Speaker 2: I've leant away from it because I was relying on it. 335 00:16:24,001 --> 00:16:26,001 Speaker 2: I was like, oh, I'll just use that instead of 336 00:16:26,041 --> 00:16:28,761 Speaker 2: taking the time with myself for me to get there. 337 00:16:28,961 --> 00:16:31,201 Speaker 2: And it wasn't as much of a practice as it 338 00:16:31,361 --> 00:16:33,241 Speaker 2: was a oh, I'm going to just get to the O. 339 00:16:34,121 --> 00:16:37,121 Speaker 2: And so it became less about being with myself and 340 00:16:37,121 --> 00:16:38,881 Speaker 2: more about getting to the O. And then with my 341 00:16:38,921 --> 00:16:42,241 Speaker 2: current partner now it's been less vibrator but more about 342 00:16:42,441 --> 00:16:45,801 Speaker 2: breathing into it, connecting, being connected when we're in the act, 343 00:16:45,841 --> 00:16:48,281 Speaker 2: and it's so much more about intimacy that my level 344 00:16:48,321 --> 00:16:50,161 Speaker 2: of pleasure now has gone from down here with the 345 00:16:50,241 --> 00:16:52,361 Speaker 2: vibrator to up here and through the roof of what 346 00:16:52,401 --> 00:16:55,721 Speaker 2: you were talking about of like that limitless potential. It's 347 00:16:55,761 --> 00:16:58,881 Speaker 2: only getting better with time, and I'm like, oh my god, 348 00:16:58,921 --> 00:17:00,561 Speaker 2: I didn't even know that I could reach these levels 349 00:17:00,601 --> 00:17:01,001 Speaker 2: of pleasure. 350 00:17:01,321 --> 00:17:04,241 Speaker 1: Yeah, that's the same with me. Like the last probably 351 00:17:04,321 --> 00:17:08,561 Speaker 1: two years, I've even implemented self pleasure for myself. I 352 00:17:08,641 --> 00:17:11,360 Speaker 1: used to, yeah, I just use a vibrator to get 353 00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:13,240 Speaker 1: off and have an orgasm. But now it's like this 354 00:17:13,321 --> 00:17:16,281 Speaker 1: whole experience during when my partner goes away, I'm like, oh, 355 00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:20,120 Speaker 1: my time music and like a nice nightie and there's candles, 356 00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:22,761 Speaker 1: and I set up this whole environment and actually take 357 00:17:22,801 --> 00:17:24,281 Speaker 1: my time, and it is you get to make the 358 00:17:24,321 --> 00:17:26,481 Speaker 1: whole We're talking about this with goal setting, the whole 359 00:17:26,561 --> 00:17:29,600 Speaker 1: journey to get to the ode can be equally as 360 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:33,161 Speaker 1: pleasurable as having an orgasm. And I love touching myself now. 361 00:17:33,201 --> 00:17:36,160 Speaker 1: I love my body, whether it's using oils and just 362 00:17:36,241 --> 00:17:38,360 Speaker 1: like even looking in the mirror at myself and loving 363 00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:41,001 Speaker 1: on my body. Because my younger self like hated looking 364 00:17:41,041 --> 00:17:42,521 Speaker 1: at myself. I don't want to look at my body. 365 00:17:42,521 --> 00:17:45,521 Speaker 1: I would criticize every inch of my body. And to 366 00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:47,321 Speaker 1: be in a place now where I have this beautiful 367 00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:51,041 Speaker 1: relationship with myself it's intensified the pleasure with myself and 368 00:17:51,241 --> 00:17:54,080 Speaker 1: in my sex life with my partner, which is so beautiful. 369 00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:58,680 Speaker 1: Yeahs oh yeah it is. 370 00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:02,240 Speaker 3: And pleasure as a whole is incredibly healing from what 371 00:18:02,281 --> 00:18:04,961 Speaker 3: you were just describing ashally, like the power of pleasure, 372 00:18:05,681 --> 00:18:08,960 Speaker 3: of taking time for yourself, you know, And lots of 373 00:18:09,041 --> 00:18:12,840 Speaker 3: us fall into this habitual routine of you know, masturbating 374 00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:14,681 Speaker 3: in a certain way. We're like, oh, I've got five 375 00:18:14,721 --> 00:18:17,361 Speaker 3: minutes until my next meeting. Yeah, let's quickly rub one 376 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:18,601 Speaker 3: out and get. 377 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:20,201 Speaker 2: On with your data. 378 00:18:20,281 --> 00:18:23,880 Speaker 3: And so, you know, we get into this routine of 379 00:18:24,041 --> 00:18:27,080 Speaker 3: just having wham, bam, thank you ma'am, really quick, short, 380 00:18:27,201 --> 00:18:30,120 Speaker 3: sharp orgasms, often with a vibrator. 381 00:18:30,281 --> 00:18:30,441 Speaker 2: Right. 382 00:18:31,481 --> 00:18:35,281 Speaker 3: Not only does our body then potentially learn that's how 383 00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:37,720 Speaker 3: it needs to respond in order to feel pleasure, but 384 00:18:37,761 --> 00:18:40,161 Speaker 3: that also limits what we can experience, right. 385 00:18:40,241 --> 00:18:40,441 Speaker 2: Yeah. 386 00:18:40,961 --> 00:18:44,401 Speaker 3: I love using the analogy of you know, that sort 387 00:18:44,441 --> 00:18:46,721 Speaker 3: of sex just getting off for the sake of it, 388 00:18:46,761 --> 00:18:50,241 Speaker 3: as like takeaway food, right yeah, yeam, taste good in 389 00:18:50,281 --> 00:18:53,840 Speaker 3: the moment, love it, it's quick, it's convenient, it is 390 00:18:53,921 --> 00:18:56,321 Speaker 3: serving a need that you've got in that moment. But 391 00:18:56,360 --> 00:18:59,761 Speaker 3: then we've also got this idea of a total degas station, 392 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,480 Speaker 3: and that sexual degustation does not have to be with 393 00:19:03,521 --> 00:19:05,400 Speaker 3: a partner. It can be super hot and fun to 394 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:08,041 Speaker 3: do it with your partner, but it's also incredible to 395 00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:10,480 Speaker 3: do it just with yourself. And so many women that 396 00:19:10,521 --> 00:19:13,801 Speaker 3: I speak to when it comes to masturbation, they're like, well, 397 00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:16,480 Speaker 3: I just can't be bothered going to all that effort 398 00:19:16,521 --> 00:19:20,400 Speaker 3: for myself or why would I bother? Because you deserve it, 399 00:19:20,441 --> 00:19:24,721 Speaker 3: and there is so much pleasure and richness and vitality 400 00:19:24,761 --> 00:19:27,400 Speaker 3: that you get to experience, and you get to learn 401 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:32,080 Speaker 3: about your own body. Masturbation is critically important, especially for women, 402 00:19:32,241 --> 00:19:35,081 Speaker 3: as a way to learn what your body likes and 403 00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:38,281 Speaker 3: how your body responds. And so many people that I 404 00:19:38,321 --> 00:19:39,721 Speaker 3: speak to you come to me and like, I want 405 00:19:39,721 --> 00:19:42,681 Speaker 3: to have the most mind blowing, to curly back arching 406 00:19:42,801 --> 00:19:45,840 Speaker 3: partnered sex. I want to come five times. And they're 407 00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:48,481 Speaker 3: telling you all these things, and yet when it comes 408 00:19:48,481 --> 00:19:52,480 Speaker 3: to masturbation, they haven't actually practiced these skills. And so 409 00:19:52,561 --> 00:19:55,440 Speaker 3: it's like, well, when we're going into partnered sex with 410 00:19:55,481 --> 00:19:59,201 Speaker 3: one partner or more than one partner, we're bringing all 411 00:19:59,241 --> 00:20:03,921 Speaker 3: of our sexual stuff right, our preferences, our proclivities, our boundaries, 412 00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:08,961 Speaker 3: what we don't like, like our sexual shame and taboo 413 00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:11,440 Speaker 3: that we might be carrying. We're bringing that to a 414 00:20:11,481 --> 00:20:15,080 Speaker 3: sexual encounter, and so is our partner. If we haven't 415 00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:17,960 Speaker 3: taken the time to identify what turns us on, what 416 00:20:18,041 --> 00:20:21,041 Speaker 3: makes us feel really alive and vital in our body, 417 00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:23,881 Speaker 3: how we love to be touched, the type of touch 418 00:20:23,921 --> 00:20:26,200 Speaker 3: that we do not want, and pumps the brakes on 419 00:20:26,281 --> 00:20:29,321 Speaker 3: our desire. How are you ever going to be able 420 00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:31,960 Speaker 3: to have that toe curling sex that you want in 421 00:20:32,001 --> 00:20:36,201 Speaker 3: a partnered context. We need to identify and feel through 422 00:20:36,241 --> 00:20:38,760 Speaker 3: our own bodies, like what's feeling good for me? And 423 00:20:39,041 --> 00:20:42,241 Speaker 3: I think it's also important to note that that changes 424 00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:45,640 Speaker 3: moment by moment. Right Just because yesterday you wanted to 425 00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:49,240 Speaker 3: spend an hour masturbating and anointing the skin with some 426 00:20:49,321 --> 00:20:52,721 Speaker 3: massage oil, giving yourself some nice self touch before moving 427 00:20:52,761 --> 00:20:56,440 Speaker 3: into masturbation. Today, maybe you just want to get it on, 428 00:20:56,681 --> 00:20:59,841 Speaker 3: watch some porn or read some erotica and have an orgasm. 429 00:21:00,281 --> 00:21:03,321 Speaker 3: That's totally fine, and it's the same with partnered sex. 430 00:21:03,761 --> 00:21:07,001 Speaker 3: Yesterday you might have wanted to it's really slow, sensual 431 00:21:07,241 --> 00:21:10,041 Speaker 3: sex with lots of eye contact. Today you might want 432 00:21:10,041 --> 00:21:12,841 Speaker 3: to be bent over and pounded out in doggie. And 433 00:21:12,921 --> 00:21:17,120 Speaker 3: so what we want changes moment by moment, because we're 434 00:21:17,201 --> 00:21:20,400 Speaker 3: changing moment by moment right our emotions, the processes that 435 00:21:20,441 --> 00:21:23,321 Speaker 3: are happening in our body, our energy levels, how well 436 00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:25,921 Speaker 3: we slept last night, what we ate today, how connected 437 00:21:25,961 --> 00:21:29,360 Speaker 3: we're feeling to our partner. All of these things influence 438 00:21:29,481 --> 00:21:32,321 Speaker 3: what we want, and so bringing it back to self, 439 00:21:32,761 --> 00:21:34,920 Speaker 3: bringing it back to our own body and taking a 440 00:21:34,961 --> 00:21:37,600 Speaker 3: moment to tune in and feel what am I noticing 441 00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:40,120 Speaker 3: in my body right now? What would I like to 442 00:21:40,241 --> 00:21:44,920 Speaker 3: feel from this sexual experience? And why am I moving 443 00:21:44,961 --> 00:21:48,481 Speaker 3: towards this sexual experience right now? What is my motivation 444 00:21:48,721 --> 00:21:51,481 Speaker 3: for wanting to have sex right now? Because that question 445 00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:53,600 Speaker 3: can get you a lot closer to having the type 446 00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:55,840 Speaker 3: of sex that you want to have right Are you 447 00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:59,080 Speaker 3: wanting to have sex or masturbate right now because you 448 00:21:59,281 --> 00:22:02,121 Speaker 3: are wanting a connection with yourself or with your partner? 449 00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:05,400 Speaker 3: Is it because you're super horny and just want to 450 00:22:05,441 --> 00:22:08,041 Speaker 3: tear their clothes off and touch them and share pleasure? 451 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:11,720 Speaker 3: What is that motivating force? Because when you identify that, 452 00:22:11,961 --> 00:22:14,360 Speaker 3: then you can co create either with yourself or with 453 00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:17,640 Speaker 3: a partner. The type of sexual experience that is going 454 00:22:17,681 --> 00:22:19,680 Speaker 3: to light you up right now in this moment. 455 00:22:20,201 --> 00:22:23,080 Speaker 2: Beautiful, that's so good, Lilie. I wanted to ask, what 456 00:22:23,120 --> 00:22:26,041 Speaker 2: would you say to somebody who has sexual shame, who 457 00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:30,281 Speaker 2: maybe isn't familiar with self pleasure or wants to explore 458 00:22:30,321 --> 00:22:33,601 Speaker 2: new things with their partner, but they're feeling like that resistance, 459 00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:35,400 Speaker 2: you know, that resistance when you go to self pleasure 460 00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:36,840 Speaker 2: and you're like, Oh, I don't have the time, or 461 00:22:37,041 --> 00:22:39,841 Speaker 2: I shouldn't be doing this, I shouldn't be touching myself 462 00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:41,680 Speaker 2: like this. Like, what would you say to a woman 463 00:22:41,721 --> 00:22:44,801 Speaker 2: who wanted to go from that to openly feeling safe 464 00:22:44,801 --> 00:22:47,561 Speaker 2: with self pleasure or even with their partner. How would 465 00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:49,561 Speaker 2: you essentially get them from A to B? 466 00:22:50,001 --> 00:22:53,120 Speaker 3: I think the first thing that I would recommend is 467 00:22:53,681 --> 00:22:57,441 Speaker 3: to start engaging with some sex positive content. Follow some 468 00:22:57,481 --> 00:23:01,561 Speaker 3: sexologists or sex educators on Instagram, sign up to some newsletters, 469 00:23:02,001 --> 00:23:05,001 Speaker 3: listen to some podcasts like this one, take a couple 470 00:23:04,961 --> 00:23:08,281 Speaker 3: of online courses. There's lots of fantastic free resources out 471 00:23:08,281 --> 00:23:11,001 Speaker 3: there about sex education nowadays. I think that is a 472 00:23:11,041 --> 00:23:16,001 Speaker 3: really foundational first step, because most of us get absolutely terrible, 473 00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:20,120 Speaker 3: if not downright harmful sex education throughout our school. And 474 00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:22,480 Speaker 3: then what we don't learn in school is kind of 475 00:23:22,521 --> 00:23:26,201 Speaker 3: crowdsourced from external parties, whether that's our parents, our friends, 476 00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:30,561 Speaker 3: our religious or cultural background, what we see in movies, TV, 477 00:23:30,681 --> 00:23:34,880 Speaker 3: pop culture, pornography. None of these are really great examples 478 00:23:34,921 --> 00:23:38,160 Speaker 3: for learning about sex. So I think find some really 479 00:23:38,201 --> 00:23:42,801 Speaker 3: great comprehensive sex education resources. Start following some pleasure positive 480 00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:47,080 Speaker 3: accounts on Instagram and build your appetite for that. Start 481 00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:50,561 Speaker 3: getting curious, particularly when you've got sexual shame and trauma. 482 00:23:50,681 --> 00:23:53,561 Speaker 3: Anytime we're working with sexual shame or sexual trauma, we 483 00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:56,641 Speaker 3: need to work in a really slow, ti traded way, right, 484 00:23:56,801 --> 00:23:59,921 Speaker 3: So just drip feeding it a little bit here and there, 485 00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:02,120 Speaker 3: rather than just going balls to the walls with it, 486 00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:05,041 Speaker 3: which can be super overwhelming and can be quite triggered 487 00:24:05,281 --> 00:24:08,521 Speaker 3: as well, which we want to avoid. So get out there, 488 00:24:08,761 --> 00:24:11,840 Speaker 3: start reading some books. I've got a list of resources 489 00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:13,801 Speaker 3: on my website that I can send you the link to. 490 00:24:13,921 --> 00:24:17,440 Speaker 3: That's a really great starting point. Outside of that, I 491 00:24:17,441 --> 00:24:20,761 Speaker 3: would start with some mirror work and getting comfortable with 492 00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:24,481 Speaker 3: being naked. So what naked time can you have with yourself? 493 00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:28,160 Speaker 3: Maybe it's taking some time after your shower to really 494 00:24:28,201 --> 00:24:32,200 Speaker 3: spend some time enjoying the feeling as you moisturize or 495 00:24:32,241 --> 00:24:36,281 Speaker 3: apply some body oil to yourself, really enjoying that sensation 496 00:24:36,521 --> 00:24:39,801 Speaker 3: and watching yourself do that in the mirror. Can you 497 00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:43,121 Speaker 3: sleep naked? Can you have a naked TV mate once 498 00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:46,400 Speaker 3: a week? Something like that to build your confidence with 499 00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:49,680 Speaker 3: being naked, because that's something that I find holds a 500 00:24:49,681 --> 00:24:53,121 Speaker 3: lot of women back from masturbation and from having really 501 00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:56,041 Speaker 3: uninhibited partnered sex as well, is how they feel about 502 00:24:56,041 --> 00:24:59,681 Speaker 3: their bodies. So building your own body confidence is really amazing. 503 00:24:59,801 --> 00:25:02,321 Speaker 3: And just on the note of body confidence, because I 504 00:25:02,321 --> 00:25:04,561 Speaker 3: think it's always worth mentioning this is a hill I 505 00:25:04,561 --> 00:25:07,241 Speaker 3: will die on. Have a look at some volver diversity 506 00:25:07,281 --> 00:25:10,880 Speaker 3: resources like Flip through My Flaps by Comfortable in My 507 00:25:10,961 --> 00:25:14,961 Speaker 3: Skin at the LaBier Library, the Vulvar Gallery, get online 508 00:25:15,001 --> 00:25:18,080 Speaker 3: and have a look at different genitals in the media. 509 00:25:18,241 --> 00:25:21,761 Speaker 3: We have such a narrow representation of female genitalia and 510 00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:24,241 Speaker 3: that leads many many women to think, oh, well, mine 511 00:25:24,281 --> 00:25:27,881 Speaker 3: doesn't look like that, so it must be gross or 512 00:25:27,921 --> 00:25:30,521 Speaker 3: disgusting or there's something wrong with me, And that's not 513 00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:34,080 Speaker 3: the case. Our genitals are as diverse as our faces. 514 00:25:34,521 --> 00:25:37,080 Speaker 3: We just don't see them. And in fact, in Australia 515 00:25:37,120 --> 00:25:41,400 Speaker 3: there's actually laws around what media can show as far 516 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:44,801 Speaker 3: as female genitalia. So for example, on magazine covers, the 517 00:25:44,961 --> 00:25:48,520 Speaker 3: external vulva has to be airbrushed into one neat crease. 518 00:25:49,281 --> 00:25:54,081 Speaker 3: There can be no external labia visible or clitteress visible, 519 00:25:54,281 --> 00:25:58,881 Speaker 3: nothing like that, which is horrific because through that process 520 00:25:58,961 --> 00:26:03,001 Speaker 3: and through that law, we are limiting the diversity and 521 00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:06,401 Speaker 3: representation of bodies that we can see. So get out there, 522 00:26:06,600 --> 00:26:10,041 Speaker 3: have a look at some diverse representations of bodies, and 523 00:26:10,281 --> 00:26:13,001 Speaker 3: if you're feeling brave, get naked with your friends, go 524 00:26:13,041 --> 00:26:16,561 Speaker 3: for a skinny dip with your friends, sun bake naked 525 00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:20,200 Speaker 3: with them, anything that can begin to get you comfortable 526 00:26:20,281 --> 00:26:22,001 Speaker 3: with been in your own skin. 527 00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:24,680 Speaker 1: I love that. Mirror work definitely helped me with that. 528 00:26:24,721 --> 00:26:27,920 Speaker 1: And I've never really enjoyed porn, but when I started 529 00:26:27,921 --> 00:26:31,201 Speaker 1: to read Colleen Hoover books, they really got me going. 530 00:26:31,281 --> 00:26:34,080 Speaker 1: And then I had to go and recommend podcasts that 531 00:26:34,201 --> 00:26:37,441 Speaker 1: read erotic stories to you. I love it, and I. 532 00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:39,640 Speaker 3: Think that could be that you're doing the dishes or 533 00:26:39,681 --> 00:26:41,920 Speaker 3: cleaning the house, to pop your headphones on and listen 534 00:26:41,921 --> 00:26:45,641 Speaker 3: to some smart instantly right the other day right, And. 535 00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:47,281 Speaker 1: I feel like it's a nice bridge if you're not 536 00:26:47,360 --> 00:26:49,680 Speaker 1: quite ready to do the mirror work and like really 537 00:26:49,681 --> 00:26:51,761 Speaker 1: look at your body. Like I understand that can be 538 00:26:51,801 --> 00:26:54,521 Speaker 1: a bit of a process. Reading books or having erotica 539 00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:57,360 Speaker 1: read to you. I think it's a really nice bridge 540 00:26:57,360 --> 00:26:59,521 Speaker 1: to just get you relaxed and listen to someone else's 541 00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:01,240 Speaker 1: voice and gets you out of your head of your 542 00:27:01,281 --> 00:27:03,400 Speaker 1: to do list or this is wrong. It just like 543 00:27:03,521 --> 00:27:05,801 Speaker 1: gets you really into it. I think it's a really 544 00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:07,920 Speaker 1: nice bridge to start. Maybe not for everyone, but I 545 00:27:07,961 --> 00:27:09,521 Speaker 1: know that really helped me in it. Now it's just 546 00:27:09,561 --> 00:27:11,801 Speaker 1: another thing for variety. It's like I don't do it 547 00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:13,481 Speaker 1: all the time, but every now and again, I'm like, oh, 548 00:27:13,561 --> 00:27:15,640 Speaker 1: I want to listen to that podcast and it's like, oh, 549 00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:17,640 Speaker 1: I'll get to hear the story about a pilot and 550 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:20,640 Speaker 1: a flight attendant and like it's fun. It's like a 551 00:27:20,721 --> 00:27:22,240 Speaker 1: movie almost, but it's being read to you. 552 00:27:22,321 --> 00:27:23,761 Speaker 2: Your voice messaged me. She'd be like, oh my god, 553 00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:28,241 Speaker 2: just listen to sin. Need to listen to it so good. 554 00:27:28,761 --> 00:27:33,080 Speaker 3: I love that. Yeah, I love erotica so much. I 555 00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:35,921 Speaker 3: am a total smut slut. I started a smart plut 556 00:27:36,120 --> 00:27:41,161 Speaker 3: smut Sluts with my friend Eleanor Hadley, who's another smut enthusiast, 557 00:27:40,360 --> 00:27:45,321 Speaker 3: And from an education perspective, there is so much value 558 00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:49,200 Speaker 3: in smut and erotica outside of just simply deriving pleasure 559 00:27:49,241 --> 00:27:51,441 Speaker 3: from it, which is a good enough reason to engage 560 00:27:51,441 --> 00:27:54,321 Speaker 3: with it full stop. But I think reading it and 561 00:27:54,360 --> 00:27:57,240 Speaker 3: engaging with erotic or listening to it is also a 562 00:27:57,321 --> 00:28:00,721 Speaker 3: really great way to begin to learn what turns you on, right, 563 00:28:00,761 --> 00:28:03,521 Speaker 3: because you're getting exposed to things that maybe you haven't 564 00:28:03,561 --> 00:28:07,201 Speaker 3: heard of before, you're getting to try them, and you're 565 00:28:07,201 --> 00:28:10,241 Speaker 3: getting to see yourself in that story of like maybe 566 00:28:10,281 --> 00:28:12,520 Speaker 3: I'd like to be the main character in that scene. 567 00:28:12,801 --> 00:28:15,281 Speaker 1: Wow, that is so true, because like if you listen 568 00:28:15,321 --> 00:28:17,681 Speaker 1: to like I've listened to ones on threesomes, on orgies 569 00:28:17,721 --> 00:28:21,120 Speaker 1: on an airplane with a strange at the workplace, and 570 00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:23,481 Speaker 1: it's like you really do like if you're really turned 571 00:28:23,481 --> 00:28:25,601 Speaker 1: on by it's like, oh, maybe that's something I want 572 00:28:25,640 --> 00:28:27,761 Speaker 1: to try, or maybe it's just even if you don't 573 00:28:27,801 --> 00:28:29,640 Speaker 1: want to actually act out. We talk about this all 574 00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:31,241 Speaker 1: the time. There's fantasy that we were like we talk 575 00:28:31,281 --> 00:28:33,041 Speaker 1: about being with women. It's like we're not sure if 576 00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:35,160 Speaker 1: we actually want to do it, but even the idea 577 00:28:35,160 --> 00:28:36,881 Speaker 1: about it, being able to talk about it, it's fun 578 00:28:36,880 --> 00:28:39,361 Speaker 1: and exciting. Yeah, you really get to know yourself and 579 00:28:39,401 --> 00:28:41,081 Speaker 1: what does turn you on and you can just play 580 00:28:41,121 --> 00:28:41,801 Speaker 1: around with that. 581 00:28:41,801 --> 00:28:44,321 Speaker 2: That's such a beautiful thing actually to recognize that, because 582 00:28:44,361 --> 00:28:46,561 Speaker 2: you would be reading or hearing and having it being 583 00:28:46,601 --> 00:28:48,841 Speaker 2: read to you and then notice the sensations in your 584 00:28:48,841 --> 00:28:51,401 Speaker 2: body and then get to connect with your body through 585 00:28:51,441 --> 00:28:53,081 Speaker 2: what you're experiencing and what you're reading. 586 00:28:53,161 --> 00:28:54,961 Speaker 1: And once again, if someone else is doing it's like, oh, 587 00:28:55,001 --> 00:28:57,720 Speaker 1: it's not so shameful. Other people like this too. It 588 00:28:57,761 --> 00:29:00,361 Speaker 1: normalizes and dissolves that shame. I like the point that 589 00:29:00,401 --> 00:29:01,321 Speaker 1: you said before as well. 590 00:29:01,361 --> 00:29:03,321 Speaker 2: Around it gets you out of your head because it's 591 00:29:03,401 --> 00:29:05,281 Speaker 2: kind of like when you watch a movie, right, all 592 00:29:05,281 --> 00:29:07,641 Speaker 2: of your senses are zoomed in on that one thing, 593 00:29:07,761 --> 00:29:10,361 Speaker 2: Like you're not really noticing what's happening around you. So 594 00:29:10,401 --> 00:29:12,721 Speaker 2: it's like when you're being read that you're softening out 595 00:29:12,761 --> 00:29:15,681 Speaker 2: from your head, dropping into your body because you're listening, 596 00:29:15,721 --> 00:29:18,321 Speaker 2: you're consumed by your senses and what's happening in your 597 00:29:18,321 --> 00:29:21,281 Speaker 2: body whilst you're being read this story. It's a really 598 00:29:21,321 --> 00:29:22,720 Speaker 2: good entry way in. 599 00:29:22,601 --> 00:29:24,361 Speaker 1: And there was things that I would think I have 600 00:29:24,521 --> 00:29:27,921 Speaker 1: judged in the past, different scenarios or different choices people 601 00:29:28,001 --> 00:29:30,161 Speaker 1: make around sex, and then I've been turned on by 602 00:29:30,201 --> 00:29:33,361 Speaker 1: listening to something. I'm like, oh, hang on, okay, no, 603 00:29:33,921 --> 00:29:35,961 Speaker 1: I can see that I just projected a judgment because 604 00:29:36,001 --> 00:29:38,561 Speaker 1: I along the way thought that was wrong or dirty 605 00:29:38,641 --> 00:29:41,281 Speaker 1: or slutty or bad, and I'm like, actually, no, not 606 00:29:41,321 --> 00:29:43,121 Speaker 1: that big a deal. Like that's cool, that's. 607 00:29:43,001 --> 00:29:49,481 Speaker 2: Hot, that's so cool. I like that story. Yeah, five stars, Yeah. 608 00:29:49,281 --> 00:29:50,441 Speaker 1: That's really cool to that. 609 00:29:50,721 --> 00:29:53,240 Speaker 3: And another great benefit that I see in smart and 610 00:29:53,281 --> 00:29:56,720 Speaker 3: erotica is, particularly when we've got fantasies or there's certain 611 00:29:56,801 --> 00:29:59,521 Speaker 3: sexual experiences that we want to try for the first time. 612 00:30:00,041 --> 00:30:02,481 Speaker 3: If you were to come to a sexologist or read 613 00:30:02,561 --> 00:30:07,081 Speaker 3: sex resources online about how to out that fantasy, that's 614 00:30:07,121 --> 00:30:09,241 Speaker 3: all well and good, But I think there's so much 615 00:30:09,321 --> 00:30:12,201 Speaker 3: value in smart and erotica because it literally lays out 616 00:30:12,241 --> 00:30:14,841 Speaker 3: the scene play by play right, and it can give 617 00:30:14,881 --> 00:30:18,440 Speaker 3: you so much inspiration of like, ooh, I could say 618 00:30:18,481 --> 00:30:21,801 Speaker 3: that I could move in that way, you know, because 619 00:30:21,801 --> 00:30:23,601 Speaker 3: it can be so hard to think. All right, So 620 00:30:24,321 --> 00:30:27,001 Speaker 3: this is what we've agreed on for this role play 621 00:30:27,121 --> 00:30:29,321 Speaker 3: but how do I actually bring that to life? So 622 00:30:29,361 --> 00:30:32,000 Speaker 3: it can be a really incredible resource to see it 623 00:30:32,041 --> 00:30:33,321 Speaker 3: coming together in that way. 624 00:30:33,521 --> 00:30:35,641 Speaker 2: I'm just realizing this in this conversation is that it's 625 00:30:35,641 --> 00:30:38,200 Speaker 2: almost like an invitation because when you're reading something, you 626 00:30:38,241 --> 00:30:41,881 Speaker 2: can leave what doesn't resonate and take what does. Whereas 627 00:30:42,041 --> 00:30:44,200 Speaker 2: not demonizing like porn or anything like that, but when 628 00:30:44,241 --> 00:30:46,281 Speaker 2: you watch porn is almost like an expectation of like, oh, 629 00:30:46,321 --> 00:30:49,041 Speaker 2: I should behave in the way that they're behaving. Whereas 630 00:30:49,041 --> 00:30:51,241 Speaker 2: when you're reading smart you take yourself on the journey 631 00:30:51,241 --> 00:30:54,361 Speaker 2: based on your own imagination, so you're creating the story 632 00:30:54,401 --> 00:30:56,200 Speaker 2: how you believe that it would be based on what 633 00:30:56,241 --> 00:30:58,161 Speaker 2: they're giving you, and then you can make up your 634 00:30:58,201 --> 00:30:59,121 Speaker 2: own entire scene. 635 00:30:59,521 --> 00:31:02,441 Speaker 1: So true. I've got one more question for you, though, 636 00:31:02,481 --> 00:31:05,081 Speaker 1: And I feel like it's been a conversation amongst my 637 00:31:05,121 --> 00:31:07,401 Speaker 1: girlfriends for many years. I see it in forums all 638 00:31:07,441 --> 00:31:10,480 Speaker 1: the time, and it's like, is it true that is 639 00:31:10,521 --> 00:31:13,001 Speaker 1: it one in eight or only? I don't know. A 640 00:31:13,081 --> 00:31:16,401 Speaker 1: very small percentage of us can come from g spot. 641 00:31:16,721 --> 00:31:20,121 Speaker 1: Most of us can only come through clitteral stimulation? Is 642 00:31:20,161 --> 00:31:22,801 Speaker 1: this fact? Can we all do it? If so, how 643 00:31:22,801 --> 00:31:24,520 Speaker 1: do we do it is there certain toys we can 644 00:31:24,521 --> 00:31:26,481 Speaker 1: get from Bush or give us. 645 00:31:26,401 --> 00:31:29,401 Speaker 3: The T all right, here's the T and again a 646 00:31:29,401 --> 00:31:31,681 Speaker 3: little bit of mythbat Stine. So the G spot isn't 647 00:31:31,721 --> 00:31:35,441 Speaker 3: actually one standalone spot. It is actually part of the 648 00:31:35,681 --> 00:31:40,841 Speaker 3: entire clitter urethraw vaginal complex or the CUV for sut okay, 649 00:31:41,801 --> 00:31:44,201 Speaker 3: such a mouthful. Your G spot is part of your 650 00:31:44,361 --> 00:31:47,641 Speaker 3: entire clitteral network. Right, Your clitterist is not just a 651 00:31:47,681 --> 00:31:50,881 Speaker 3: small bean like structure that you see on the outside 652 00:31:50,961 --> 00:31:53,561 Speaker 3: right flicking the bean, you know, it is so much 653 00:31:53,561 --> 00:31:56,321 Speaker 3: bigger than that. It extends into your body, wraps around 654 00:31:56,321 --> 00:31:58,921 Speaker 3: your vaginal canal, and the G spot is part of 655 00:31:58,961 --> 00:32:01,921 Speaker 3: the clitteral network. So when people are speaking about not 656 00:32:02,041 --> 00:32:06,440 Speaker 3: having experienced a G spot orgasm, everybody's body is different 657 00:32:06,441 --> 00:32:09,281 Speaker 3: and responds differently. But I think with the right combination 658 00:32:09,601 --> 00:32:12,641 Speaker 3: of stimulation and the right tools and techniques, a lot 659 00:32:12,721 --> 00:32:15,801 Speaker 3: of people can experience that sort of deep pleasure. And 660 00:32:16,201 --> 00:32:19,241 Speaker 3: what I would encourage people to do is to park 661 00:32:19,281 --> 00:32:23,480 Speaker 3: the idea of wanting to experience this clitteral orgasm or 662 00:32:23,801 --> 00:32:26,521 Speaker 3: a vaginal or a G spot orgasm, right, because I 663 00:32:26,521 --> 00:32:29,601 Speaker 3: think when we get so focused on having an orgasm 664 00:32:29,641 --> 00:32:32,480 Speaker 3: as our end goal. We get tunnel vision right, And 665 00:32:32,521 --> 00:32:34,881 Speaker 3: as we were discussing at the beginning of this conversation, 666 00:32:35,561 --> 00:32:38,561 Speaker 3: we forget about the whole journey. If we're just thinking, yeah, 667 00:32:38,561 --> 00:32:39,720 Speaker 3: I want to come, I want to come, I want 668 00:32:39,761 --> 00:32:43,081 Speaker 3: to come, we're not open and we haven't surrendered to 669 00:32:43,121 --> 00:32:46,200 Speaker 3: this sexual experience and what is unfolding moment by moment 670 00:32:46,241 --> 00:32:50,200 Speaker 3: before us. So I'm not saying don't have orgasms or 671 00:32:50,241 --> 00:32:52,481 Speaker 3: don't think about them. That's not it. But just take 672 00:32:52,481 --> 00:32:53,960 Speaker 3: a bit of the pressure off and take a bit 673 00:32:53,961 --> 00:32:56,601 Speaker 3: of the focus off, because the thing about orgasms is 674 00:32:56,761 --> 00:32:58,881 Speaker 3: the more you think about them and the more you 675 00:32:58,921 --> 00:33:03,041 Speaker 3: focus on them, the more elusive they become. It's very frustrating. 676 00:33:03,281 --> 00:33:05,881 Speaker 3: The more we can do to actually hop into our 677 00:33:05,921 --> 00:33:08,881 Speaker 3: bodies and to feel and to dial that up and 678 00:33:08,961 --> 00:33:11,681 Speaker 3: to be more present, the more pleasure we're going to 679 00:33:11,761 --> 00:33:15,041 Speaker 3: experience when it comes to G spot stimulation. So if 680 00:33:15,041 --> 00:33:18,201 Speaker 3: you were to use your fingers, you would insert your 681 00:33:18,201 --> 00:33:20,961 Speaker 3: fingers about to the second knuckle and then curve them 682 00:33:21,041 --> 00:33:23,401 Speaker 3: up towards your belly, and when you're super turned on, 683 00:33:24,081 --> 00:33:26,601 Speaker 3: your G spot will feel like kind of ridgy, like 684 00:33:26,641 --> 00:33:29,121 Speaker 3: the roof of your mouth. And when you're super turned on, 685 00:33:29,561 --> 00:33:32,321 Speaker 3: it'll feel a bit puffier, more like the inside of 686 00:33:32,321 --> 00:33:33,801 Speaker 3: your cheek if you would have run your tongue along 687 00:33:33,841 --> 00:33:36,240 Speaker 3: the inside of your cheek. We want to be as 688 00:33:36,281 --> 00:33:38,960 Speaker 3: turned on as possible. For most people with Evolver, it 689 00:33:39,001 --> 00:33:43,361 Speaker 3: takes between twenty to forty minutes for full physiological arousal 690 00:33:43,481 --> 00:33:46,081 Speaker 3: to happen, and so this means you're getting as turned 691 00:33:46,081 --> 00:33:48,401 Speaker 3: on as possible. All of that blood flow and a 692 00:33:48,441 --> 00:33:52,121 Speaker 3: rectile tissue in your genitals is engaging, you are dropping 693 00:33:52,201 --> 00:33:54,841 Speaker 3: deeper into the feeling. There's so many things that are 694 00:33:54,841 --> 00:33:58,241 Speaker 3: happening physiologically that we need to allow time for to unfold, 695 00:33:58,281 --> 00:34:01,041 Speaker 3: because otherwise we're not going to be able to experience 696 00:34:01,081 --> 00:34:03,761 Speaker 3: as much pleasure as possible, and so get us turned 697 00:34:03,761 --> 00:34:07,281 Speaker 3: on as possible that I would recommend. There's a couple 698 00:34:07,281 --> 00:34:09,521 Speaker 3: from Bush that I really really love. There is a 699 00:34:09,761 --> 00:34:13,601 Speaker 3: helix design gyrating vibrator. It's kind of shaped like a 700 00:34:13,681 --> 00:34:16,401 Speaker 3: DNA helix that twists around and the tip of it 701 00:34:16,441 --> 00:34:18,841 Speaker 3: moves and gyrates in a few different ways, and so 702 00:34:18,921 --> 00:34:22,041 Speaker 3: that can be really amazing for g spot stimulation and 703 00:34:22,041 --> 00:34:25,121 Speaker 3: the same as a rabbit vibrator. So an internal arm 704 00:34:25,201 --> 00:34:27,681 Speaker 3: that goes inside your vagina, and then an arm that 705 00:34:27,801 --> 00:34:31,961 Speaker 3: stimulates your glitterus. That one is another great one from Bush. 706 00:34:32,081 --> 00:34:35,561 Speaker 3: The arm it's internal actually moves like this, so it 707 00:34:35,641 --> 00:34:38,521 Speaker 3: oscillates and stimulates your G spot and more of a 708 00:34:38,561 --> 00:34:42,041 Speaker 3: focus on what pleasure can I derive from this part 709 00:34:42,081 --> 00:34:45,601 Speaker 3: of my body, what stimulation feels best for me. Some 710 00:34:45,641 --> 00:34:48,801 Speaker 3: people thrive on G spot stimulation and that is what 711 00:34:48,841 --> 00:34:52,440 Speaker 3: they're chasing during most sexual experiences. Other people can find 712 00:34:52,481 --> 00:34:54,881 Speaker 3: it a bit too intense, so it's really important to 713 00:34:54,961 --> 00:34:58,081 Speaker 3: experiment and get to know your body, how your body responds, 714 00:34:58,121 --> 00:34:59,281 Speaker 3: and what feels good for you. 715 00:35:01,081 --> 00:35:04,721 Speaker 2: You mentioned something earlier before around like women holding their breath. 716 00:35:05,041 --> 00:35:08,321 Speaker 2: How important would you deem breathing when it comes to 717 00:35:08,641 --> 00:35:10,841 Speaker 2: being able to reach orgasm, but not just focusing on 718 00:35:10,841 --> 00:35:12,961 Speaker 2: the end goal, focusing on the journey and what kind 719 00:35:13,001 --> 00:35:15,681 Speaker 2: of techniques would you recommend, like anybody listening to kind 720 00:35:15,721 --> 00:35:17,441 Speaker 2: of get to that place of getting out of your 721 00:35:17,481 --> 00:35:18,601 Speaker 2: head and dropping into your body. 722 00:35:18,761 --> 00:35:21,921 Speaker 3: Breath is critically important for our sexual experiences. 723 00:35:22,121 --> 00:35:23,721 Speaker 1: It is erotic pump. 724 00:35:23,841 --> 00:35:26,561 Speaker 3: It is a way that we are able to upregulate, 725 00:35:26,601 --> 00:35:30,721 Speaker 3: so either increase our arousal or downregulate, so decrease or 726 00:35:31,081 --> 00:35:35,121 Speaker 3: keep our arousal plateauing. Most people have a pattern of 727 00:35:35,201 --> 00:35:38,361 Speaker 3: holding their breath during sex and masturbation, particularly as they're 728 00:35:38,361 --> 00:35:41,801 Speaker 3: approaching orgasm. Right, you stop moving, start holding your breath, You're. 729 00:35:41,721 --> 00:35:43,321 Speaker 1: Like, oh, yeah, yeah, I'm nearly there. 730 00:35:43,561 --> 00:35:48,321 Speaker 3: Next time you approach orgasm, slow deep breaths into your belly. 731 00:35:48,401 --> 00:35:50,761 Speaker 3: It might take you a bit longer to orgasm, but 732 00:35:51,041 --> 00:35:53,841 Speaker 3: I dare say it will be so much more powerful. 733 00:35:54,401 --> 00:35:58,041 Speaker 3: Breath circulates the sexual energy, the sensations that we're feeling, 734 00:35:58,081 --> 00:36:01,161 Speaker 3: the arousal throughout our entire body, right, rather than just 735 00:36:01,281 --> 00:36:04,961 Speaker 3: having a localized genitial response. So to breath work to 736 00:36:05,041 --> 00:36:07,441 Speaker 3: techniques that you can use if you want to increase 737 00:36:07,481 --> 00:36:11,721 Speaker 3: your arousal, whether during masturbation or partnered sex. Imagine you 738 00:36:11,761 --> 00:36:13,761 Speaker 3: are drinking through a straw, So purse your lips like 739 00:36:13,801 --> 00:36:15,761 Speaker 3: you're about to drink through a straw, and it's a 740 00:36:15,841 --> 00:36:21,521 Speaker 3: quick in out breath like this, just like that, and 741 00:36:21,681 --> 00:36:24,201 Speaker 3: we're not forcing the exhale out, we're not pushing it 742 00:36:24,241 --> 00:36:27,241 Speaker 3: out really hard, We're just letting it naturally fall out 743 00:36:27,281 --> 00:36:30,960 Speaker 3: after that quick inhalation. So that's a really incredible one 744 00:36:31,001 --> 00:36:33,681 Speaker 3: to build more arousal and We can also combine that 745 00:36:33,761 --> 00:36:36,561 Speaker 3: with some movement as well, so like some pelvic tilts 746 00:36:36,921 --> 00:36:39,681 Speaker 3: for your pubic bone, and imagine that rocking back and 747 00:36:39,721 --> 00:36:43,521 Speaker 3: forth and just sink your breath with that, And that 748 00:36:43,561 --> 00:36:47,041 Speaker 3: movement is a really great arousal booster as well when 749 00:36:47,041 --> 00:36:50,281 Speaker 3: it comes to downregulation. So say if you are moving 750 00:36:50,321 --> 00:36:53,201 Speaker 3: close to orgasm, but you don't want to orgasm just yet, 751 00:36:53,401 --> 00:36:56,641 Speaker 3: or you want to just let the sensation circulate through 752 00:36:56,641 --> 00:37:01,041 Speaker 3: your body, which can make an orgasmic experience. Right, we're 753 00:37:01,121 --> 00:37:04,921 Speaker 3: riding these orgasmic waves rather than having one short sharp orgasm. 754 00:37:05,681 --> 00:37:08,841 Speaker 3: So deepen the breath right into the belly. So we 755 00:37:08,881 --> 00:37:11,841 Speaker 3: want the exhale to be one or two counts longer 756 00:37:11,881 --> 00:37:15,801 Speaker 3: than the inhale. Inhale for three and exhale for five 757 00:37:15,841 --> 00:37:18,960 Speaker 3: out the mouth. Exhaling out your mouth is a really 758 00:37:19,001 --> 00:37:22,881 Speaker 3: important part of that process, particularly for downregulation, because when 759 00:37:22,881 --> 00:37:27,081 Speaker 3: we lengthen our exhale longer than our inhale and exhale 760 00:37:27,081 --> 00:37:30,321 Speaker 3: throughout our mouth, it signals to our parasympathetic nervous system, 761 00:37:30,401 --> 00:37:32,801 Speaker 3: so our rest and digest function of our nervous system. 762 00:37:33,481 --> 00:37:36,641 Speaker 3: Oh it's safe, I can relax, And this is what 763 00:37:36,681 --> 00:37:39,521 Speaker 3: we need during sex and pleasure, particularly for women. We 764 00:37:39,561 --> 00:37:42,441 Speaker 3: need a higher level of emotional safety in order to 765 00:37:42,441 --> 00:37:45,481 Speaker 3: be able to let go and explore the depths of 766 00:37:45,521 --> 00:37:48,481 Speaker 3: our pleasure and have those toe curling orgasms that we're 767 00:37:48,481 --> 00:37:49,480 Speaker 3: all so hungry for. 768 00:37:50,921 --> 00:37:55,201 Speaker 1: So, if anyone has never bought a sex toy, or 769 00:37:55,241 --> 00:37:57,041 Speaker 1: maybe they' bought lots of sex toys, but in the 770 00:37:57,041 --> 00:37:59,881 Speaker 1: market for a new one, which one from the Bush website? 771 00:37:59,921 --> 00:38:00,361 Speaker 1: Would you be? 772 00:38:00,401 --> 00:38:00,481 Speaker 3: Like? 773 00:38:00,561 --> 00:38:02,121 Speaker 1: That is my number one? 774 00:38:02,281 --> 00:38:04,281 Speaker 3: Okay, I can't narrow it down to one. I'm going 775 00:38:04,321 --> 00:38:08,201 Speaker 3: to give you two. Number one would be the bullet vibrator. Again, 776 00:38:08,361 --> 00:38:10,721 Speaker 3: criminally underrated. Don't knock it till you try it. It's 777 00:38:10,761 --> 00:38:14,521 Speaker 3: so versatile. You can use it during masturbation, partnered sex. 778 00:38:14,561 --> 00:38:16,480 Speaker 3: You can use it on your nipples to tease along 779 00:38:16,521 --> 00:38:20,801 Speaker 3: your partner's body. Delicious. Other than that, I would probably 780 00:38:20,841 --> 00:38:25,361 Speaker 3: go for Bush's new clit sucker the Empress title. It's 781 00:38:25,441 --> 00:38:30,041 Speaker 3: air suction technology is so good you will come like 782 00:38:30,081 --> 00:38:30,721 Speaker 3: a freight train. 783 00:38:31,161 --> 00:38:31,681 Speaker 1: Wow. 784 00:38:32,361 --> 00:38:34,201 Speaker 2: So we will take two. 785 00:38:36,201 --> 00:38:40,881 Speaker 3: If you're using clitsucker vibrators like that, lubelube loube, so 786 00:38:41,001 --> 00:38:44,041 Speaker 3: fill a little air hole with lube. It's gonna make 787 00:38:44,081 --> 00:38:46,641 Speaker 3: it feel like you're getting mind blowing oral sex. 788 00:38:46,881 --> 00:38:49,281 Speaker 2: Oh my god, I would have never known that. 789 00:38:49,401 --> 00:38:53,521 Speaker 1: No, neither where do we find you on social media. 790 00:38:52,921 --> 00:38:57,601 Speaker 3: On Instagram at sex with Lily, Sex with Lily la 791 00:38:57,721 --> 00:39:01,081 Speaker 3: doublel I E or on my website at Lilybrown dot com. 792 00:39:01,201 --> 00:39:04,081 Speaker 1: Thank you so freaking much. We will leave Lily's details 793 00:39:04,121 --> 00:39:06,721 Speaker 1: down below. Will all leave the bush websites. You guys 794 00:39:06,761 --> 00:39:09,321 Speaker 1: can go and shop those goodies and our description box 795 00:39:09,321 --> 00:39:10,801 Speaker 1: below and we will definitely do a part two one 796 00:39:10,841 --> 00:39:12,601 Speaker 1: day because there is so much more to explore sex. 797 00:39:12,721 --> 00:39:13,440 Speaker 1: It's just so fun. 798 00:39:13,561 --> 00:39:15,921 Speaker 2: This is such a beautiful conversation and something that needs 799 00:39:15,921 --> 00:39:16,641 Speaker 2: to be had more. 800 00:39:16,761 --> 00:39:19,601 Speaker 1: Thanks so much, ladies. Bye,