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Speaker 1: Get a welcome to the show. This is better than yesterday.

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Speaker 2: Useful tools and useful conversations to help make this day

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Speaker 2: to day better than yesterday every single week since twenty

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Speaker 2: and thirteen. My names Osha Ginsburg, and I'm very glad

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Speaker 2: you're here. Thank you so much for getting behind. So

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Speaker 2: what now What the brand new book which is out

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Speaker 2: in just a couple of days from now.

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Speaker 1: You can get it on pre order.

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Speaker 2: Those pre orders really really really help us out live

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Speaker 2: tour dates getting announced very shortly as well. As there's

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Speaker 2: tickets for story Club happening on the tenth of August.

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Speaker 2: You can get them right now in the show notes

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Speaker 2: as well. Luke, Heggy and Jenfrickett and Geez.

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Speaker 1: Verma and my wife Audrey are joining us for that show.

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Speaker 2: There are many ways that we can transform ourselves physically, mentally, spiritually,

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Speaker 2: positively or negatively through gradual processes or sometimes they're quite sudden.

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Speaker 2: But when we do transform, do we become a completely

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Speaker 2: different person or do we get closer to or further

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Speaker 2: away from the person that we truly truly are. I

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Speaker 2: know what it's like to go through a transformation like that,

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Speaker 2: and my guest today has gone throughout himself. He hasn't

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Speaker 2: just transformed this guy. He's gone into the chrysalis. He's reconstituted,

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Speaker 2: and he's emerged anew. But both he and I we

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Speaker 2: each found our pathway to recreating the life that we

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Speaker 2: live differently, and well, my guest chose a different path

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Speaker 2: to me.

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Speaker 1: Who he is now is.

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Speaker 2: A testament to our capacity as humans to fundamentally change

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Speaker 2: and find a better way forward. That's a really inspiring conversation.

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Speaker 2: I can't wait for you to hear it. Right after

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Speaker 2: this break. We'll get to it. Thanks for listening to

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Speaker 2: the show. It's better than yesterday. My guest today is

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Speaker 2: Matthew Colwell. He may not know the name Matthew Colell,

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Speaker 2: but you will know the rapper, the musician, the recording

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Speaker 2: artist known as three sixty. That's his name, Matthew Colell.

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Speaker 2: And during this conversation you're going to hear those two identities.

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Speaker 1: You'll hear through sixty show up. You'll hear matt show up.

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Speaker 2: You know, and sometimes those have been very separate people,

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Speaker 2: very much at odds with one another throughout his life.

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Speaker 2: Three sixty has just released his fifth album, Out of

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Speaker 2: the Blue. If you're listening to them on the day

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Speaker 2: it came out. He's in the middle of a national

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Speaker 2: tour like right now. But as I spoke about earlier,

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Speaker 2: the three sixty who recorded this album and the three

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Speaker 2: sixty who's doing this tour is in a very different

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Speaker 2: place in life now than any time before in his life.

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Speaker 1: It's been a hell of a journey.

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Speaker 2: We could talk about a lot of it, including going

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Speaker 2: quite deep talking about addiction and the many tricks our

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Speaker 2: egos play on us, what it means to find something

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Speaker 2: bigger than yourself than yourself, and just how much difference

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Speaker 2: that can make. How to find a way to do

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Speaker 2: what you've always done, but without the substances you've always

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Speaker 2: relied on to do it with some techniques, some thoughts,

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Speaker 2: some actions that can keep us level today, the immense

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Speaker 2: power of small actions, and the role that religion has

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Speaker 2: played in his life now. If you or someone you

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Speaker 2: love is affected at all by addiction, there's a lot

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Speaker 2: in this episode, So do get help if you need it,

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Speaker 2: and you know the help's available. But as you're here,

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Speaker 2: life doesn't have to be bad forever, and if you

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Speaker 2: pursue help, life could be very, very different. Enjoy this

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Speaker 2: wonderful conversation with three sixty. So yeah, I missed Life

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Speaker 2: TV a lot. And there is a extra thing that

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Speaker 2: gets created when performer and audience are together to get itchy.

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Speaker 2: When you're having giged rayer like itch You're like, I've

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Speaker 2: got to get in front of a crowd, But I

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Speaker 2: can't wait to do this in front of people. I

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Speaker 2: want to see this drop on a crowd. I want

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Speaker 2: to see what happens when people sing along with this.

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Speaker 3: Ah man. I feel like I had my comfort zone

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Speaker 3: on stage from a very young age, from just entering

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Speaker 3: rap battle competitions when I was like fifteen, so I

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Speaker 3: was when I started performing proper shows when I was

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Speaker 3: like eighteen or nineteen, and that it was I loved it,

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Speaker 3: like I was just I was in my element up there.

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Speaker 3: But then when I did all the partying and just

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Speaker 3: went through the addiction phase for so long, once I

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Speaker 3: got on the other side of that, it was like

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Speaker 3: all that that comfort zone had shrunk to my house.

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Speaker 3: So like stepping out of that was really difficult and

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Speaker 3: I felt like it was beginning again, which was brutal.

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Speaker 2: Man.

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Speaker 3: Oh yeah, yeah, that's been really difficult to get past

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Speaker 3: that kind of feeling like I need a crutch, like

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Speaker 3: I just want to have a drink. She's like, oh yeah,

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Speaker 3: to just calm me down and drop my wall, oh man,

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Speaker 3: because I'm so stiff.

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Speaker 1: Man.

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Speaker 2: There's an entire phase of my career that was before

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Speaker 2: I got sober, and an entire phase of pramia after I

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Speaker 2: got sober. And I have now worked all the down regulation,

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Speaker 2: all the relaxation stuff into what it is that I do,

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Speaker 2: so I don't have to think, oh, I need to

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Speaker 2: take a breath here.

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Speaker 1: It just happens, all right.

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Speaker 2: An example would be, and people would know this if

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Speaker 2: they've watched any like Morning Wars or whatever. Someone goes

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Speaker 2: their ten nine, eight, seven, six, five four three, I

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Speaker 2: point out you. So what I'll do is I'll take

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Speaker 2: a big breath somewhere around seven, and I'll hold it

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Speaker 2: for three or four, and I'll slowly start releasing it

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Speaker 2: onto one because I know there's a big boom, shot loud,

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Speaker 2: and then there's probably another shot, and then I've probably

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Speaker 2: got five more seconds, and then I breathe in again.

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Speaker 2: I breathe in again when we get to zero, knowing

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Speaker 2: that by the time I breathe out and it just

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Speaker 2: I do that every time.

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Speaker 3: But is that instinctive now? So do you don't even think.

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Speaker 1: It just happens? It just happens. Wow.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, that's really fascinating. Man, that's very interesting.

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Speaker 2: The last time I was on Q and A, you

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Speaker 2: can clearly see me do it like three times, really,

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Speaker 2: but no one knows what they're looking at if they

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Speaker 2: don't see it. But you can see me actively doing it,

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Speaker 2: like when other people are talking or when the host

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Speaker 2: was asking me a question. As a part of listening,

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Speaker 2: I am doing this particular kind of breath just to

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Speaker 2: keep that regulation.

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Speaker 1: Wow, I'm not out in the wind like I.

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Speaker 2: Am here because of polypharmaceuticals, and I'm grateful for it.

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Speaker 2: But without the breathing, I'd have to be probably on

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Speaker 2: a lot heavier artillery, which I'm grateful.

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Speaker 1: I don't have to.

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Speaker 3: Were you drinking before going on TV? Or I couldn't

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Speaker 3: do that?

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Speaker 2: Oh there were some backstage times at pro festivals and

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Speaker 2: aris and things like that where beers were around, but

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Speaker 2: I couldn't.

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Speaker 1: I didn't like it.

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Speaker 2: I didn't like not having that sharpness because what I

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Speaker 2: liked was the stimulation.

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Speaker 1: That was the train.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, well, it was the focus that I was chasing.

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Speaker 2: If since discovered why you know, and there's then there

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Speaker 2: a lot more things make sense as to why I

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Speaker 2: chose the career I chose why, you know, dealing with

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Speaker 2: fourteen cameras and pyrotechnics and eight hundred people and you know,

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Speaker 2: crying crying contestants and such and such felt like the

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Speaker 2: calmest thing in.

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Speaker 1: The world because got a busy brain that likes to

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Speaker 1: be involved.

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Speaker 2: Son. But afterwards that was and I don't you know,

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Speaker 2: you could probably relate to this. It was what do

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Speaker 2: I do when you get off air at eight nine

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Speaker 2: thirty two or nine thirty one?

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Speaker 1: What do you do?

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Speaker 2: Like I was oscillating, it's such a clip. I'd just

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Speaker 2: be like grinding my teeth.

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Speaker 1: Like.

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Speaker 2: Of course I ended up where I was and doing

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Speaker 2: what I was doing until two three in the morning.

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Speaker 2: To try to bring yourself down, myself down much better

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Speaker 2: ways to do it, much cleaner wayte What are you

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Speaker 2: doing now instead of that? Well? I train, and I

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Speaker 2: have a sauna in my backyard, which is the greatest

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Speaker 2: thing ever.

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Speaker 1: And I do a lot of breathing. A lot of breathing.

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Speaker 3: Is that like breath work?

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Speaker 1: Sometimes? Yeah? Yeah, whatever works? Whatever works in the moment.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes it's progressive muscle relaxations and things like that. It

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Speaker 2: all serves to keep me operating within a window of

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Speaker 2: tolerance where I'm not making choices based in fear, hopefully,

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Speaker 2: but learning how to do it again, learning how to

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Speaker 2: get out of the house again. It was hard, and

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Speaker 2: I'm sure you've had that experience when you're trying to

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Speaker 2: go out without your beer blanket around you hard.

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Speaker 3: Oh yeah, you just want to withdraw from everything.

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Speaker 2: Well, I didn't know how to do it. I don't

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Speaker 2: know how to do it, and you have to learn

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Speaker 2: how to do it again.

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Speaker 3: How long was your journey on the on the I

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Speaker 3: guess the addictionspe Man, Well, I've been black hat drinking.

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Speaker 3: So I was fourteen.

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Speaker 2: Whoa, I was twenty two when people started fairly read

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Speaker 2: literally saying what.

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Speaker 1: Are you doing to yourself? Mate?

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Speaker 2: I really want to what's happening here? And I just

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Speaker 2: kind of was like, what are you talking about? I

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Speaker 2: don't have a problem. I'm fine, I stop whatever I want.

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Speaker 2: And then there was fourteen more years of chaos. Wholl yeah. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: And until I was thirty six, when I stopped drinking

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Speaker 2: and using it was all going to end, so I

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Speaker 2: had to stop. And did you go to rehab?

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Speaker 1: No? I didn't.

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Speaker 2: I got sober in America, and that was lucky because

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Speaker 2: I was not around any of.

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Speaker 1: The social cues right that existed here yep.

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Speaker 2: And so as long as I found myself a fellowship

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Speaker 2: of men and women once a day, I was all right, wow,

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Speaker 2: and it was good. Yeah, it was real good. But

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Speaker 2: I had to find my people.

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Speaker 3: Did you go through withdrawals?

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, right that it was hard. Did you

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Speaker 1: have that moment?

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Speaker 2: Did you have that moment where, like that first one

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Speaker 2: I'm talking about, wh people went hey, man, party is

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Speaker 2: good and and being a sick rapper is sick?

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Speaker 1: What's all this stuff? Though? Did you have that moment?

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Speaker 1: Do you remember that moment?

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Speaker 3: It was very interesting because like everyone knew me as

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Speaker 3: like a massive party animal. Yeah, like I would go

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Speaker 3: on big benders and I would go for long benders

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Speaker 3: and I would smash it. But that was mainly a

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Speaker 3: weekend thing. People didn't realize that because I could not

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Speaker 3: deal with the colmdown or the hangover, I was going

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Speaker 3: to prescription pills like oxy conton and that, and they

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Speaker 3: didn't know that I was hiding that from everyone, so

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Speaker 3: like yeah, yeah, But it also got to the point

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Speaker 3: where I thought I was real slick, but everyone was like, dude,

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Speaker 3: something's going on with it. But everyone with people would

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Speaker 3: say and I feel like something's happening and you need help,

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Speaker 3: and I'd just be like, broh, I'm fine, and I

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Speaker 3: would almost get angry kind of thing and be like

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Speaker 3: I'm fine, just I'm sweet.

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Speaker 1: You know.

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Speaker 3: I was in denial, is in a lot of denial.

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Speaker 2: And then.

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Speaker 3: For my third album, we did like this big tour

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Speaker 3: to promote it, and then I did a regional tour

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Speaker 3: and I was completely hooked to oxy cotton and man,

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Speaker 3: I was getting like eighty milligram tablets one box a week,

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Speaker 3: you know what I mean. It was eighty milligram, so

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Speaker 3: it was like the strongest you could get, which is

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Speaker 3: made for people dying of cancer. And I was like

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Speaker 3: saying that I had a sow back, but I was

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Speaker 3: very manipulative, like I was able to just turn it

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Speaker 3: on and start crying in the doctor's office and stuff

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Speaker 3: like that. And so I was I had this big

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Speaker 3: regional tour coming up, and I was like, Okay, I'll

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Speaker 3: go in there and I'll just stock up on all

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Speaker 3: the prescription drugs, and I got all this stuff and

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Speaker 3: I thought it was a week out from the tour,

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Speaker 3: and I was like, yeah, I'll keep this for the tour,

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Speaker 3: and just went through it in a few days. And

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Speaker 3: then it was like panicking, like what do I do?

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Speaker 3: So when I didn't have access to that, it was

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Speaker 3: either heroin or it was europem plus, which is like

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Speaker 3: codeine with other protion. Yeah, so would I would just man,

240
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Speaker 3: and you could only get one box at a time,

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Speaker 3: so I would go different pharmacies, and I was having

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Speaker 3: three boxes of those. Good God, just because my tolerance

243
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Speaker 3: was so high and your stomach, Man, nothing's happened. It's crazy.

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Speaker 3: This is crazy stuff. I've got to destroy you the

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Speaker 3: iron gut man. But yeah, I was just like having

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Speaker 3: ninety tablets and that wouldn't even get me high. That

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Speaker 3: was just just to so I wouldn't go through with draw.

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Speaker 2: Can we just talk about that for a second, because

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Speaker 2: what you're describing for people who've never been in this space,

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Speaker 2: they might just go, what are you two.

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Speaker 1: Guys talking about? That sounds fucking nuts.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: But one of the things that really I found it

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Speaker 2: changed for me understanding what addiction is, and particularly when

255
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Speaker 2: it's other people who I know now that I'm on

256
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Speaker 2: this side of it, kind of go oh, hang on, man,

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Speaker 2: you like I care about a lot and I'm trying

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Speaker 2: to share this with you, evangelize to me. It's like

259
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Speaker 2: a mate. Having to understand it really helped me. Understanding

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Speaker 2: that those choices they know full well how terrible it is,

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Speaker 2: but it's the best choice they've got. Does that land

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Speaker 2: on you, like, can you try to explain to people

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Speaker 2: what's going on, Like you know that it's.

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Speaker 3: Bad, yeah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, it's the only choice.

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Speaker 3: It's the only only way to fix that feeling is

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Speaker 3: to use And it's like it's I can remember it

267
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Speaker 3: would have been seven or eight years before this I

268
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Speaker 3: was it was simply just me going out and drinking

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Speaker 3: after a show. I would have two tablets and that

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Speaker 3: would kin't no, It'd have four actually in four would

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Speaker 3: make me feel attle glowy, and I'd be like, man,

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Speaker 3: this is awesome. I can combat hangovers. And then that

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Speaker 3: spiraled into three packets or like full boxes of Foxy

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Speaker 3: Conton and all that, Like it just gets so beyond

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Speaker 3: your reach that you just strive for more and it's

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Speaker 3: just slowly destroying you. But it's like when when I

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Speaker 3: was in that moment, there wasn't any other option because

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Speaker 3: I wasn't telling anyone as well, which is probably I

279
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Speaker 3: could have. I could have been open about it and

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Speaker 3: been put on drug replacement and I would have been fine,

281
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Speaker 3: But I was just so I hated being a burden

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Speaker 3: to people, and I just could not share that side

283
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Speaker 3: of me because I was so ashamed of it. I

284
00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:34,320
Speaker 3: hated myself. Shame really plays a huge part in like

285
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Speaker 3: not going to get help, doesn't it.

286
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Speaker 1: Oh?

287
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Speaker 3: Absolutely, man, I just couldn't. It's like and it's and

288
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Speaker 3: it's almost like I didn't believe I was that bad

289
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Speaker 3: like I was. I knew that I was. This is

290
00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:47,640
Speaker 3: this is bad, this is this can't end well. But

291
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Speaker 3: I'm just going to keep it pushing. And I felt

292
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Speaker 3: like all that mattered to me was my career and

293
00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:58,040
Speaker 3: keeping that in a good place. So if if Matt

294
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Speaker 3: was struggling and three sixty was doing well, that was fine.

295
00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:04,600
Speaker 3: Matt could take didn't matter as long as it looked

296
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Speaker 3: like three sixty was going well, as it wasn't. Even

297
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Speaker 3: if three sixty was going well, it was just as

298
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Speaker 3: long as people perceived it that way. So in this

299
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Speaker 3: in this tour, I was going around and getting all

300
00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:18,080
Speaker 3: these all these neuropem plus.

301
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Speaker 1: Bors origional gps have never seen me.

302
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:24,520
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah yeah. And I had my regulars that I'd

303
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Speaker 3: go to as well in Melbourne. So man, my whole

304
00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:31,280
Speaker 3: my whole suitcase, right half of it was full of

305
00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:34,320
Speaker 3: clothes and the other half was just neuro from plus boxes.

306
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Speaker 1: It was bad.

307
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Speaker 3: And yeah, I was just doing the three boxes a day.

308
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Speaker 3: I think it was like four shows in before the

309
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Speaker 3: Bar and Bay show. Everything was going really well and

310
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Speaker 3: I was like, man, I just want to feel something.

311
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Speaker 3: So I did four boxes and then I just I

312
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Speaker 3: just started convulsing on the floor and woke up in hospital.

313
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Speaker 3: I was under like under under suicide watch because they

314
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Speaker 3: thought I'd tried to kill myself. I had my luggage.

315
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Speaker 3: They opened up, They're like what are you doing?

316
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Speaker 1: Man?

317
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Speaker 3: I was like this is every day, Like they would

318
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Speaker 3: not believe me that I was not trying to kill myself.

319
00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:12,920
Speaker 3: And then they just handed me the phone and it's

320
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:17,120
Speaker 3: like it's your mum. So I'm just like like this

321
00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:19,280
Speaker 3: is I didn't I didn't ask for you to call

322
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Speaker 3: my parents. I was very angry and then I just

323
00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:23,320
Speaker 3: but I had to just come clean, you know. I

324
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:28,400
Speaker 3: was just like, look, I'm I'm addicted to codeine and

325
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:33,040
Speaker 3: oxyconton and I think I need help and I've overdosed

326
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:36,520
Speaker 3: and just told him it was probably the most one

327
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Speaker 3: of the hardest things that I've put them through, you know, Like,

328
00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:42,680
Speaker 3: my parents are beautiful, Like they've been so supportive, they've

329
00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:47,280
Speaker 3: been They've shown unconditional love ever since I was a child.

330
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Speaker 3: So and my dad, my dad was a very strict

331
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:56,560
Speaker 3: kind of had very strict morals and integrity, and he

332
00:16:56,960 --> 00:17:01,040
Speaker 3: raised me to never use drugs and to never use

333
00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:04,160
Speaker 3: take never drink or never party or anything like that.

334
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:07,119
Speaker 3: He's seen his both his parents die from it, his brother,

335
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:11,920
Speaker 3: and then for me to then hide it from them

336
00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:15,480
Speaker 3: and suddenly be like, hey, I'm a full blown junkie

337
00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:20,240
Speaker 3: and I've you know that that really really rocks them.

338
00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:22,040
Speaker 3: And to see the effect that that had on them

339
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:24,440
Speaker 3: still plagues me, you know when I think about it.

340
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:28,879
Speaker 2: But how Yeah, you're remembering the emotion that you felt,

341
00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:33,359
Speaker 2: and you've got a memory of the then version of

342
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:37,359
Speaker 2: you and the shame of that phone call. But I

343
00:17:37,359 --> 00:17:41,639
Speaker 2: think it's important to you know, say like Markle just

344
00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:43,199
Speaker 2: always telling me you only have to be brave for

345
00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:43,760
Speaker 2: one breath.

346
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:47,679
Speaker 1: It took one breath of words to tell.

347
00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:50,359
Speaker 2: Them you can do that, you can be brave enough,

348
00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:54,480
Speaker 2: and then just trust that you'll you'll be okay, figure out,

349
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:58,480
Speaker 2: you'll figure everything else out, all right. But by not

350
00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:01,560
Speaker 2: taking that breath, I'm not saying that one sentence, it

351
00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:04,000
Speaker 2: could just get catastrophically worse.

352
00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:05,199
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was.

353
00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:08,359
Speaker 3: It was a blessing, yeah, man, like it forced me

354
00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:10,679
Speaker 3: force my hand because it wasn't going to do it otherwise.

355
00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:14,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, right for me, it was prescription painkillers were apart.

356
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:17,360
Speaker 2: We're a part of it. Yeah, Viking was a part

357
00:18:17,359 --> 00:18:20,399
Speaker 2: of the last ten ten twelve weeks. That here is

358
00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:22,040
Speaker 2: the states, right.

359
00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:24,879
Speaker 3: Man, just because he's that is that? What is that?

360
00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:26,199
Speaker 1: I don't know, man, I don't know. I don't think

361
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:27,359
Speaker 1: you get here, right.

362
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,119
Speaker 2: I just threw it. I just threw stuff at your

363
00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:32,320
Speaker 2: over there, right. It was just my GP. It wasn't

364
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:38,520
Speaker 2: done my knee and yeah, they and that is a slippery,

365
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:42,000
Speaker 2: slippery slope. The feeling of it is it was far

366
00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:44,440
Speaker 2: out man, because yeah, everything is still hurt.

367
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:46,880
Speaker 1: I just didn't I just didn't give a ship. Yeah.

368
00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:52,680
Speaker 2: I was like, oh this is this is dangerous once

369
00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:56,080
Speaker 2: all that stuff's out of your system. But then then

370
00:18:56,119 --> 00:18:59,240
Speaker 2: you're faced with, oh, now I've got to be the

371
00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:00,800
Speaker 2: person that I was trying to numb.

372
00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:05,400
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, now WHOA.

373
00:19:06,119 --> 00:19:08,919
Speaker 3: Then you're just confronted with all these emotions you've been

374
00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:12,520
Speaker 3: escaping for so long, and they're just flooding you NonStop

375
00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:13,840
Speaker 3: and you can't escape it.

376
00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:20,720
Speaker 2: What would you say to people about, you know, rationalizing

377
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:24,840
Speaker 2: that kind of drug abuse around just trying to get

378
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:27,280
Speaker 2: away from those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.

379
00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:29,680
Speaker 1: We'll goes through your.

380
00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:38,080
Speaker 3: The most cunning manipulation and lies that it gets so

381
00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:42,720
Speaker 3: out of control that you believe every lie you tell yourself,

382
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:45,120
Speaker 3: like the reason you've got to do it, You actually

383
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:47,919
Speaker 3: believe it, even though deep down you know you're lying.

384
00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:52,879
Speaker 3: I remember someone that I met in rehab was like,

385
00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:56,400
Speaker 3: you've got to be so honest with yourself and stop

386
00:19:56,920 --> 00:20:00,320
Speaker 3: believing these lies for why you will keep you using.

387
00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:03,240
Speaker 3: And I at the time was like, you don't know

388
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:05,000
Speaker 3: what you're talking about, you know. I was just brushing

389
00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:07,719
Speaker 3: it off like I'm good. I was always like I'm good,

390
00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:11,280
Speaker 3: don't worry about it, and it kept happening, man, you know,

391
00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:15,119
Speaker 3: Like I went to rehab five years ago in twenty

392
00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:19,240
Speaker 3: twenty for like four and a half months, and even man,

393
00:20:19,359 --> 00:20:21,679
Speaker 3: I was at the end of my rope. I was

394
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:25,400
Speaker 3: on method own. I had put on so much weight

395
00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:28,480
Speaker 3: and just was so unhealthy and unhappy that I got

396
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:31,399
Speaker 3: to the point where I was like, this is just

397
00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:34,040
Speaker 3: gonna I'm going to die one hundred percent. I'm pretty

398
00:20:34,119 --> 00:20:37,600
Speaker 3: much dead anyway, Like I'm I'm a living corpse, you know.

399
00:20:38,359 --> 00:20:40,439
Speaker 3: And I was so done with it. I was over it.

400
00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:43,000
Speaker 3: I was like, I need to get my life together.

401
00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:46,480
Speaker 3: But even when I went into rehab then I was

402
00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:49,600
Speaker 3: still doing it. Man, in rehab, Like you know how

403
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:52,159
Speaker 3: it's so frowned upon when you're in rehab to be

404
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:55,679
Speaker 3: to be saving up your medication and taking all at

405
00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:58,680
Speaker 3: once and stuff like that. Like I was still doing that,

406
00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:01,760
Speaker 3: and I was still putting on that lie to everyone

407
00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:04,040
Speaker 3: that I was there for the right reasons like I was.

408
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:07,119
Speaker 3: I was a full blown actor, man, Like Wow, it

409
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:12,360
Speaker 3: was despicable. It was really really gross, and looking back

410
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:15,000
Speaker 3: on it, you just see like, well, man, don't I

411
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:16,919
Speaker 3: lost sight of who I was completely. It was just

412
00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:18,120
Speaker 3: this projection that I.

413
00:21:18,119 --> 00:21:21,919
Speaker 2: Thought you would. You're a bunch of neural pathways firing

414
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:22,360
Speaker 2: in order.

415
00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:22,840
Speaker 1: You weren't.

416
00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:25,680
Speaker 2: You were no longer making choices at that point. Those

417
00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:30,120
Speaker 2: choices are pre programmed by then, and it's having the

418
00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:35,560
Speaker 2: willingness to make different choices enough times have they become

419
00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:39,000
Speaker 2: the automatic choices, because otherwise the automatic choices will take

420
00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:41,439
Speaker 2: over every single time. You can say, oh, I'm not

421
00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:43,320
Speaker 2: going to have any time, or I'll just have one

422
00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:44,840
Speaker 2: and forget about it.

423
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,399
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know you're not.

424
00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:49,480
Speaker 2: Once your reward systems is regulated, you can no longer

425
00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:52,360
Speaker 2: make a choice about it. And even though you've promised everybody,

426
00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:54,640
Speaker 2: and you're like, no, no, no, that was the last time.

427
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:56,560
Speaker 2: And I know I won't get up. I won't No,

428
00:21:56,640 --> 00:22:00,800
Speaker 2: I won't destroy the place's time doesn't matter once that starts,

429
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:05,640
Speaker 2: forget it and which is also I man, I'm sure

430
00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:08,080
Speaker 2: you did the same thing. But I tried to. I

431
00:22:08,119 --> 00:22:10,439
Speaker 2: tried to dry out, I tried to cut down. I

432
00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:11,919
Speaker 2: tried to do all these things on my terms. Like

433
00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:13,679
Speaker 2: a couple of days, get a couple of weeks together,

434
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:17,679
Speaker 2: and then like that, Yeah, like back, you drop your

435
00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:20,160
Speaker 2: guard just one mite, the spinnaker is up and wear away,

436
00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:24,040
Speaker 2: Let's fucking go the sale to the wind voice straight

437
00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:27,920
Speaker 2: ahead till morning, let's go and and then you're like,

438
00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:29,120
Speaker 2: oh my god, what am I doing here?

439
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:31,320
Speaker 1: I'm back here again. I can't I can't stop it.

440
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:33,119
Speaker 1: It's really really hard.

441
00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:36,200
Speaker 2: I remember reading that Anthony Keatters books card Tissue, and

442
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:38,360
Speaker 2: he's talking about breaking out of rehab and at the time,

443
00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:40,960
Speaker 2: I'm like, oh, I just didn't get it. I can't

444
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:44,280
Speaker 2: you see that everyone's really worried going to die. But

445
00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:47,600
Speaker 2: it makes sense, like when the ego is that out

446
00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:50,560
Speaker 2: of control, yeah, and your self will is that over

447
00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:55,959
Speaker 2: the top you. It's not a choice you physically, you

448
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:59,040
Speaker 2: can't decide to not be that. It's really hard. You

449
00:22:59,119 --> 00:23:01,600
Speaker 2: actually have to get to the point where you're like, oh,

450
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:03,840
Speaker 2: I'm down here in the guartup because I put me

451
00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:05,680
Speaker 2: down here in the garter, and the only way I

452
00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:07,600
Speaker 2: can get it from the gutter I get myself up.

453
00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:09,119
Speaker 2: I can't ask anybody else to do it for me.

454
00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:11,679
Speaker 2: And that's the only And it sucks waiting for that

455
00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:15,520
Speaker 2: in other people. Really, man, that's a very difficult thing.

456
00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:19,399
Speaker 2: When you've made that choice, well, you flick that switch

457
00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:21,600
Speaker 2: and like, I'm not I can't do this anymore. And

458
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:23,680
Speaker 2: then you're trying to help people get to that place

459
00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:26,600
Speaker 2: and they just can't. It's so painful to watch, but

460
00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:29,320
Speaker 2: you feel it because you were there. It doesn't work,

461
00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:31,080
Speaker 2: and you would have been in rehab with people that

462
00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:33,240
Speaker 2: were pushed in there and forced in there.

463
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:35,560
Speaker 1: You know, it's really hard.

464
00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:37,800
Speaker 2: You know, you see your parents just blow their entice

465
00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:42,479
Speaker 2: super on trying to get their kid clean. It's really hard, man,

466
00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:45,600
Speaker 2: because I do anything to save my children. It's not

467
00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:51,200
Speaker 2: going to work. Yeah, it's awful. It's sucking awful, man.

468
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:53,920
Speaker 2: And it's interesting you bring up that Scar Tissue book.

469
00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:57,240
Speaker 2: I remember reading that when I was probably like seventeen

470
00:23:57,359 --> 00:24:00,520
Speaker 2: or something and had the same experience. I was like,

471
00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:06,359
Speaker 2: I didn't understand how bad it was, but I read

472
00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:10,159
Speaker 2: that book and just completely romanticized the idea of being

473
00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:14,000
Speaker 2: one a rock star but also a heroin addict. Like

474
00:24:14,119 --> 00:24:17,719
Speaker 2: I thought that was enticing if it was coupled together,

475
00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:21,680
Speaker 2: like if it was the addict without the rock star,

476
00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:24,520
Speaker 2: then I thought that was gross. But together I thought

477
00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:28,600
Speaker 2: there was something beautiful about it, which is disgusting, really

478
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:29,440
Speaker 2: really sick.

479
00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:32,640
Speaker 3: And so when I came into a lot of money

480
00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:34,560
Speaker 3: after the music started going off, I was like, I

481
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:37,560
Speaker 3: can do it now, Like I can actually do it,

482
00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:41,560
Speaker 3: and I never but I never actually considered that when

483
00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:45,000
Speaker 3: you do cross the line into addiction, it's like you

484
00:24:45,359 --> 00:24:49,160
Speaker 3: unleash this demon inside of you that you can never

485
00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:51,359
Speaker 3: put back in a cage properly, Like you have to.

486
00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:53,600
Speaker 3: Like it's not just like you can just go okay,

487
00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:56,879
Speaker 3: I'm done. That was just something that I never realized.

488
00:24:56,920 --> 00:25:00,520
Speaker 3: It's that that you once you cross that line, you

489
00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:02,680
Speaker 3: can't go back and you have to spend the rest

490
00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:04,080
Speaker 3: of your life taming that piece.

491
00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:08,200
Speaker 2: Yeah, but who we get to be because of that,

492
00:25:09,119 --> 00:25:11,720
Speaker 2: we you know, we get to be that. We get

493
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:13,520
Speaker 2: to live the rest of our life as a giant killer.

494
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:18,960
Speaker 2: You know, warrior is totally man like. Nobody understands what

495
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:20,879
Speaker 2: everybody else are trying to go through in their day, right.

496
00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:24,160
Speaker 2: But many of the things that I do to keep

497
00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:26,920
Speaker 2: my head on a straight a so automatic, I don't

498
00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:28,679
Speaker 2: really think about it much anymore. But if I was

499
00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:30,200
Speaker 2: to really break it down, it's like I do spend

500
00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:33,600
Speaker 2: a lot of time, a lot of cognitive lide going on.

501
00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:36,400
Speaker 2: Yeah that's okay, It's just what I get to do

502
00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:38,159
Speaker 2: because it gives me the life I have, and I

503
00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:38,800
Speaker 2: like the life I have.

504
00:25:38,960 --> 00:25:39,440
Speaker 1: That's fine.

505
00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:42,160
Speaker 2: I'm okay with that. It's better than the other other option.

506
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:48,159
Speaker 2: Taking a break from three to sixty will back in

507
00:25:48,280 --> 00:26:00,880
Speaker 2: just a moment. I don't know about you, but when

508
00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:06,840
Speaker 2: I first got into recovery programs, I really struggled with

509
00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:12,320
Speaker 2: the higher power thing. Really at first, really struggled.

510
00:26:12,760 --> 00:26:15,600
Speaker 3: Because is that because you didn't believe in a higher

511
00:26:15,600 --> 00:26:19,040
Speaker 3: power or was it the way they were portraying it.

512
00:26:19,560 --> 00:26:24,080
Speaker 2: Because of what I the kind of school I went to,

513
00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:32,040
Speaker 2: and my experiences with Catholic Church growing up, and the

514
00:26:32,119 --> 00:26:36,040
Speaker 2: kind of things that have since come to white which

515
00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:38,600
Speaker 2: were going on and we were witnessed to.

516
00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:42,879
Speaker 1: I was like, there's got to be something.

517
00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:45,879
Speaker 2: More than this. No, no, no, don't. I don't get this.

518
00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:50,199
Speaker 2: I'm not here for it. And I was fine with that,

519
00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:54,359
Speaker 2: but then realizing that I needed to be humble before

520
00:26:54,400 --> 00:26:58,240
Speaker 2: something to make it work. I couldn't do that thing

521
00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:01,120
Speaker 2: I found away, which I'll tell you in a sec

522
00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:03,919
Speaker 2: But I'm like wondering, what was your experience getting in

523
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:05,000
Speaker 2: there being told?

524
00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:07,640
Speaker 1: Because what is the disease of the disease of the ego?

525
00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:09,960
Speaker 2: The ego is bigger than anything, and therefore nobody else matters,

526
00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:10,560
Speaker 2: nothing else matters.

527
00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:11,480
Speaker 1: I'm the only thing that matters.

528
00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:14,240
Speaker 2: And that's why you make dumb decisions like I'm going

529
00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:16,719
Speaker 2: to gamble my children's future away or whatever.

530
00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:18,919
Speaker 1: But you have to be humbled.

531
00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:20,280
Speaker 2: Before something for it to work, and you've got to

532
00:27:20,359 --> 00:27:23,240
Speaker 2: choose something to be humbled before. And I couldn't deal

533
00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:26,120
Speaker 2: with all the God language I've had.

534
00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:30,280
Speaker 3: I had a lot of almost allergic reactions to if

535
00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:32,720
Speaker 3: just the word God, I would I would be happy

536
00:27:32,760 --> 00:27:35,920
Speaker 3: to call it universe or something like that, or anything

537
00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:39,720
Speaker 3: other than God. Any mention of Jesus I was like, no,

538
00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:41,960
Speaker 3: I don't want to hear that either. It was an

539
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:44,440
Speaker 3: even sin, like it all just came with so much baggage.

540
00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:50,040
Speaker 3: I was so against, like heavily against religion that any

541
00:27:50,119 --> 00:27:53,040
Speaker 3: mention of those things would just be like an instant

542
00:27:53,119 --> 00:27:56,560
Speaker 3: wall up. You know, I didn't I didn't go through

543
00:27:56,600 --> 00:28:00,520
Speaker 3: the program the NA. I did try it sometimes and

544
00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:04,480
Speaker 3: I felt like it probably would have helped, But there's

545
00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:07,200
Speaker 3: just some some issues that were happening at the groups

546
00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:12,879
Speaker 3: that I was going to, the lack of anonymity, I guess,

547
00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:15,760
Speaker 3: you know, they.

548
00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:18,200
Speaker 1: Forgot the hear hear part? Yeah, who you see here?

549
00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:18,800
Speaker 2: What you hear here?

550
00:28:18,880 --> 00:28:21,160
Speaker 1: Let us stay here here here? You forgot that shit?

551
00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:22,560
Speaker 1: Guys remember that bit?

552
00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:23,080
Speaker 2: Yeah?

553
00:28:23,119 --> 00:28:26,359
Speaker 3: Man? And I was I was so like, I wanted

554
00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:28,439
Speaker 3: to share a lot of dark stuff, but it was

555
00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:32,040
Speaker 3: just my trust. He's like, I can't. I just feel

556
00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:34,000
Speaker 3: like if I say this, it's just going to get

557
00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:38,200
Speaker 3: out there or something. You know. But man, interesting talking

558
00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:41,760
Speaker 3: about God. You understand why I asked that question?

559
00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:46,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, what was it? What was it that took you

560
00:28:46,040 --> 00:28:48,920
Speaker 2: from stuff? You and all your God and Jesus stuff.

561
00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:51,520
Speaker 2: Get out of here? Not interested? Get out? I'm fine?

562
00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:55,920
Speaker 2: And where you are now? Like, don't let me swear

563
00:28:55,920 --> 00:29:02,080
Speaker 2: at gigs put money as where you are? Like, I'm

564
00:29:02,200 --> 00:29:04,160
Speaker 2: imagining it wasn't a flick of a switch, but I'm

565
00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:07,440
Speaker 2: I'm assuming it was a tell me, tell me?

566
00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:09,120
Speaker 1: Was it was a slow process? What happened?

567
00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:14,680
Speaker 3: Yeah, when I got out of rehab, I was, man,

568
00:29:14,840 --> 00:29:17,880
Speaker 3: I was still slipping. I was like, I've got to

569
00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:19,680
Speaker 3: sort my life out. But it was in the middle

570
00:29:19,720 --> 00:29:22,520
Speaker 3: of the lockdowns. I was just sitting on my phone

571
00:29:22,560 --> 00:29:25,720
Speaker 3: all day and I was still going through withdrawals. I

572
00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:29,240
Speaker 3: think from the method own or one of the medications

573
00:29:29,280 --> 00:29:33,360
Speaker 3: I was on, and it was it was just so bad. Man.

574
00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:35,200
Speaker 3: It was to the point where I was like, okay,

575
00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:38,440
Speaker 3: what can I do. All I want to do is

576
00:29:38,520 --> 00:29:40,400
Speaker 3: just maybe go to the pub and drink it away.

577
00:29:41,160 --> 00:29:44,760
Speaker 3: But my parents were living living at my joint, so

578
00:29:44,840 --> 00:29:47,520
Speaker 3: I was like, if I do that, they are going

579
00:29:47,640 --> 00:29:50,640
Speaker 3: to know and I can't put them through that. So

580
00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:54,800
Speaker 3: I was I was bro I was just drinking listerine,

581
00:29:54,920 --> 00:29:57,640
Speaker 3: which had alcohol, has alcohol in it, and I was

582
00:29:57,680 --> 00:30:01,440
Speaker 3: just necking that, just having probably two mouthfuls, and then

583
00:30:01,560 --> 00:30:03,959
Speaker 3: that would kind of give me that numb feeling and

584
00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:06,520
Speaker 3: I was like, surely this can't be good. You know,

585
00:30:06,920 --> 00:30:09,640
Speaker 3: googled it and it was like if you if you

586
00:30:09,720 --> 00:30:12,600
Speaker 3: drink this alcohol, you can go blind, you know. So

587
00:30:12,640 --> 00:30:15,080
Speaker 3: I was very quickly like okay, I've got to cut

588
00:30:15,120 --> 00:30:17,680
Speaker 3: this out and just went to the doctor and said, look,

589
00:30:17,720 --> 00:30:21,600
Speaker 3: this is what's happening, which is progress, which it might

590
00:30:21,640 --> 00:30:23,560
Speaker 3: not seem like it for me, that is a lot

591
00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:28,040
Speaker 3: of progress. It's huge. And I was just overweight, started

592
00:30:28,280 --> 00:30:30,480
Speaker 3: trying to figure my life out. I was dealing with

593
00:30:30,560 --> 00:30:33,320
Speaker 3: a lot of trying to you know, when you get

594
00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:35,680
Speaker 3: off all these drugs, like we're talking about before, and

595
00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:40,200
Speaker 3: it's like you're suddenly got to embrace that person you've

596
00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:44,040
Speaker 3: been trying to escape, right And I hadn't. I've been

597
00:30:44,200 --> 00:30:48,440
Speaker 3: escaping him probably since twenty one or something like that.

598
00:30:48,480 --> 00:30:50,840
Speaker 3: And I was thirty five, So I was like who

599
00:30:50,880 --> 00:30:53,400
Speaker 3: I didn't even know who I was, and a lot

600
00:30:53,440 --> 00:30:56,120
Speaker 3: of I didn't even know the values that I stood for,

601
00:30:56,280 --> 00:31:00,440
Speaker 3: and like my I really wanted to figure who, figure

602
00:31:00,440 --> 00:31:02,640
Speaker 3: out who I was. That was my mission. So I

603
00:31:02,680 --> 00:31:08,680
Speaker 3: started working with a life coach, and he just started

604
00:31:08,720 --> 00:31:12,280
Speaker 3: helping me, especially with the people pleasing. I was someone

605
00:31:12,280 --> 00:31:16,760
Speaker 3: who would dodge confrontation. I would never stand up for myself.

606
00:31:17,640 --> 00:31:21,200
Speaker 3: I would always just keep it in because I had

607
00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:24,000
Speaker 3: this fear that if I said what I truly thought,

608
00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:27,719
Speaker 3: people would abandon me and I'd be left alone. So

609
00:31:27,760 --> 00:31:31,080
Speaker 3: he started basically it was like wearing putting training wheels

610
00:31:31,080 --> 00:31:33,920
Speaker 3: on for a grown up man to become a proper man,

611
00:31:34,600 --> 00:31:37,800
Speaker 3: and started teaching me how to say the thing I

612
00:31:37,840 --> 00:31:41,120
Speaker 3: haven't been saying. Started just doing it in text message

613
00:31:41,160 --> 00:31:44,760
Speaker 3: or an email, not in person because I was too scared.

614
00:31:45,120 --> 00:31:48,640
Speaker 3: And then it just has slowly evolved into actually standing

615
00:31:48,680 --> 00:31:51,680
Speaker 3: up for myself and just saying the truth. But in

616
00:31:51,720 --> 00:31:54,280
Speaker 3: this process, he was like, dude, have you prayed before?

617
00:31:54,680 --> 00:31:57,280
Speaker 3: Like do you believe in God? Like what's your thoughts?

618
00:31:58,320 --> 00:32:01,560
Speaker 3: And I was like, look, I believe that there's something,

619
00:32:02,040 --> 00:32:07,160
Speaker 3: one hundred percent believe that, but I am very anti religion.

620
00:32:07,360 --> 00:32:09,280
Speaker 3: I'm not interested in that. And he was like, that's

621
00:32:09,320 --> 00:32:12,160
Speaker 3: fine because you can. Like he's from an NA background,

622
00:32:12,240 --> 00:32:14,200
Speaker 3: and he was like, you can make it whatever you want.

623
00:32:14,280 --> 00:32:16,480
Speaker 3: You know, take bits from any religion.

624
00:32:17,080 --> 00:32:19,200
Speaker 1: Be quick to see where religious people are right as

625
00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:20,000
Speaker 1: what the book says.

626
00:32:20,160 --> 00:32:24,560
Speaker 3: M Yeah, yeah, take take the bits that work for you.

627
00:32:24,880 --> 00:32:28,000
Speaker 3: That That was it. When he asked me, though, he

628
00:32:28,040 --> 00:32:29,880
Speaker 3: said have you prayed before? And I was like, and

629
00:32:29,960 --> 00:32:33,080
Speaker 3: I actually, when I was a child, I remember I

630
00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:35,520
Speaker 3: used to pray all the time. I used to believe

631
00:32:35,560 --> 00:32:37,520
Speaker 3: in God. I used to believe that God had my

632
00:32:37,640 --> 00:32:41,680
Speaker 3: back and loved me and everything was going to work

633
00:32:41,720 --> 00:32:44,320
Speaker 3: out and it always did. But this was when I

634
00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:46,360
Speaker 3: was very young, and I didn't even know where this

635
00:32:46,440 --> 00:32:49,240
Speaker 3: came from because my parents aren't religious or anything like that.

636
00:32:49,800 --> 00:32:52,080
Speaker 3: But I remember life being so I think it was

637
00:32:52,120 --> 00:32:55,680
Speaker 3: just the innocence and the purity of being a child.

638
00:32:56,520 --> 00:32:58,880
Speaker 3: I remember everything just being so good. Back then, and

639
00:32:58,920 --> 00:33:01,840
Speaker 3: I told him that, and he's like, like, just start

640
00:33:01,920 --> 00:33:06,400
Speaker 3: praying to whatever you believe the higher power that created everything.

641
00:33:06,880 --> 00:33:12,400
Speaker 3: Start developing a relationship with that, with that energy, because

642
00:33:12,400 --> 00:33:16,240
Speaker 3: it's it's a personal god, and your life will change.

643
00:33:16,240 --> 00:33:19,920
Speaker 3: And I started doing that. But it was very much

644
00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:24,440
Speaker 3: a very self focused in the sense of like, can

645
00:33:24,480 --> 00:33:27,560
Speaker 3: you bring back my career and make me rich and

646
00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:30,400
Speaker 3: bring back my status as a rapper. And it was

647
00:33:30,520 --> 00:33:31,560
Speaker 3: all just had like.

648
00:33:31,480 --> 00:33:34,600
Speaker 2: A guardie not a blue one, yeah, a purple one please?

649
00:33:35,480 --> 00:33:37,720
Speaker 2: And can you make Queensland within the state of Origins again?

650
00:33:38,160 --> 00:33:42,040
Speaker 3: Yeah? Do all these things for me, please, God, like

651
00:33:42,040 --> 00:33:43,520
Speaker 3: like an all you can eat kind of because you

652
00:33:43,560 --> 00:33:43,880
Speaker 3: owe me.

653
00:33:44,480 --> 00:33:45,360
Speaker 1: Yeah.

654
00:33:45,400 --> 00:33:53,080
Speaker 3: It was very inward. But simultaneously, my best mate Pears,

655
00:33:53,200 --> 00:33:56,520
Speaker 3: he was he had just it was the middle of COVID.

656
00:33:56,560 --> 00:33:59,520
Speaker 3: He felt like he was something was telling him to

657
00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:03,520
Speaker 3: get out of Melbourne and go to the Sunshine Coast.

658
00:34:03,560 --> 00:34:05,280
Speaker 3: So him and his I think he was alone there.

659
00:34:07,360 --> 00:34:12,799
Speaker 3: Heard that he was a huge migration of melbourneites and

660
00:34:12,840 --> 00:34:14,799
Speaker 3: he moved up that he moved up there for six

661
00:34:14,880 --> 00:34:18,879
Speaker 3: months and then randomly I get this call and he's

662
00:34:19,800 --> 00:34:24,400
Speaker 3: gotten baptized. He's had this profound experience. He wasn't exploring

663
00:34:24,520 --> 00:34:28,480
Speaker 3: Christianity or anything like that. He was looking for it

664
00:34:28,520 --> 00:34:30,920
Speaker 3: but didn't know what he was looking for, and then

665
00:34:31,040 --> 00:34:34,120
Speaker 3: had this profound experience and got baptized at his first

666
00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:38,440
Speaker 3: first church service. And I was like, oh, no, you know,

667
00:34:38,719 --> 00:34:40,600
Speaker 3: like what is going on. He must have lost his

668
00:34:40,719 --> 00:34:44,120
Speaker 3: mind or something started mocking it. I was very happy

669
00:34:44,120 --> 00:34:47,279
Speaker 3: for him because he was like clearly changed in so

670
00:34:47,400 --> 00:34:51,240
Speaker 3: many different ways. Then he came he felt like something,

671
00:34:51,239 --> 00:34:53,640
Speaker 3: he felt like it was God telling him to come

672
00:34:53,680 --> 00:34:56,440
Speaker 3: back to Melbourne, like something he had unfinished business or

673
00:34:56,480 --> 00:34:59,640
Speaker 3: something like that. And he moved back and we started

674
00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:02,080
Speaker 3: hanging out and we would have these discussions. I was like,

675
00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:04,440
Speaker 3: this is my version of God, you know, and he

676
00:35:04,440 --> 00:35:07,000
Speaker 3: would talk about this is our understanding of it, and

677
00:35:07,000 --> 00:35:09,879
Speaker 3: we would have these really cool chats about it. And

678
00:35:09,960 --> 00:35:15,319
Speaker 3: he was radically different in such a short amount of time,

679
00:35:15,440 --> 00:35:18,640
Speaker 3: like he had been struggling with people pleasing like I

680
00:35:18,760 --> 00:35:22,560
Speaker 3: had a lot of mental health stuff as well, like

681
00:35:22,640 --> 00:35:24,920
Speaker 3: I had. And then he was just like he was

682
00:35:24,960 --> 00:35:28,239
Speaker 3: instantly cured of it. I was like, Okay, maybe there

683
00:35:28,320 --> 00:35:31,600
Speaker 3: is something to this, and he was saying, dude, everything

684
00:35:31,640 --> 00:35:35,160
Speaker 3: you know God to be parts of it are so true,

685
00:35:35,200 --> 00:35:37,520
Speaker 3: but it goes so much deeper, Like if you go

686
00:35:37,640 --> 00:35:42,160
Speaker 3: into this with an open mind just to seek the truth,

687
00:35:43,440 --> 00:35:45,680
Speaker 3: it'll blow your mind. So as soon as he said that,

688
00:35:45,719 --> 00:35:48,319
Speaker 3: I was just like you, all right, I'll go in.

689
00:35:48,360 --> 00:35:52,120
Speaker 3: And I've always been all or nothing. So I just

690
00:35:52,280 --> 00:35:56,040
Speaker 3: went to town probably for the last probably been about

691
00:35:56,080 --> 00:36:01,480
Speaker 3: three years or two years since that happened. That war

692
00:36:01,640 --> 00:36:04,880
Speaker 3: was just so high man, and I didn't think I

693
00:36:04,920 --> 00:36:06,319
Speaker 3: was ever going to get there. I was like, they're

694
00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:08,640
Speaker 3: just too cynical. I could never believe in this. There

695
00:36:08,680 --> 00:36:13,120
Speaker 3: was so many doubts. Like but then over time, the

696
00:36:13,120 --> 00:36:17,600
Speaker 3: more I just immersed myself in scripture, the more I

697
00:36:17,640 --> 00:36:22,200
Speaker 3: started praying, and especially when the prayers started becoming less

698
00:36:22,200 --> 00:36:26,800
Speaker 3: about myself and more about people around me and wanting

699
00:36:26,920 --> 00:36:33,880
Speaker 3: to I guess like praying for anyone come in contact

700
00:36:33,880 --> 00:36:36,239
Speaker 3: with that they would have a good day and be

701
00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:39,120
Speaker 3: blessed and feel the love of God in their life

702
00:36:39,120 --> 00:36:40,880
Speaker 3: and stuff like that. It was just rather than it

703
00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:44,920
Speaker 3: being about me, it was an outwood thing. And that

704
00:36:45,760 --> 00:36:48,600
Speaker 3: war came down over about a year and a half,

705
00:36:48,760 --> 00:36:52,480
Speaker 3: and then once it's like there, once that war completely

706
00:36:52,520 --> 00:36:57,280
Speaker 3: came down, and I believed in the Gospel of Jesus

707
00:36:57,400 --> 00:37:01,480
Speaker 3: Christ and his story and his teachings. Like everything changed

708
00:37:01,560 --> 00:37:04,640
Speaker 3: after that. Yeah, I gave myself to God in the

709
00:37:04,680 --> 00:37:07,719
Speaker 3: sense that, like like we're talking about with something else

710
00:37:07,760 --> 00:37:12,880
Speaker 3: other than you. It felt like instantly that ability to

711
00:37:12,920 --> 00:37:17,759
Speaker 3: lie to myself and manipulate myself was gone because like,

712
00:37:18,080 --> 00:37:21,719
Speaker 3: for example, I was I was smoking medicinal cannabis. I

713
00:37:21,719 --> 00:37:22,520
Speaker 3: was just vaping it.

714
00:37:23,560 --> 00:37:25,239
Speaker 1: I heard about this in a Cypress Hill song. What

715
00:37:25,280 --> 00:37:27,160
Speaker 1: could go wrong? Yeah, this is all fine?

716
00:37:27,440 --> 00:37:30,920
Speaker 3: Yeah, man, I was. I was doing that and it

717
00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:32,440
Speaker 3: was helping me to write my music.

718
00:37:32,520 --> 00:37:35,200
Speaker 1: That was the exp helping me to write my music. Huh.

719
00:37:35,280 --> 00:37:38,680
Speaker 3: Yeah. It would lock me in to be creative and

720
00:37:38,719 --> 00:37:41,279
Speaker 3: I would churn out all these wraps in like an

721
00:37:41,360 --> 00:37:43,680
Speaker 3: hour and a half. But then after that hour and

722
00:37:43,719 --> 00:37:47,560
Speaker 3: a half, my head would go crazy. I would start

723
00:37:47,600 --> 00:37:51,799
Speaker 3: overthinking everything. I was anxious, I was paranoid, but it

724
00:37:51,920 --> 00:37:54,400
Speaker 3: was worth it for the music. It was like it

725
00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:55,359
Speaker 3: was that that whole.

726
00:37:55,600 --> 00:37:58,800
Speaker 2: Would you say those drugs were allowing you to access

727
00:37:59,320 --> 00:38:01,839
Speaker 2: like those things, not creating something within you. I would

728
00:38:01,960 --> 00:38:04,880
Speaker 2: argue that those drugs are allowing you to access the

729
00:38:04,880 --> 00:38:07,480
Speaker 2: thing that has always been there and is there.

730
00:38:07,360 --> 00:38:08,759
Speaker 1: And is the reason you have the crew you have.

731
00:38:09,239 --> 00:38:13,160
Speaker 1: But it's helping bypass perhaps some of the.

732
00:38:12,480 --> 00:38:15,080
Speaker 2: Psychological blockages one hundred percent in the way it was

733
00:38:15,160 --> 00:38:17,920
Speaker 2: dropping my guard or like dropping that fence, and now

734
00:38:17,960 --> 00:38:22,399
Speaker 2: it's learning about how to access that creativity without that. Yes,

735
00:38:22,520 --> 00:38:25,520
Speaker 2: which is that's because that's the great lie of it's

736
00:38:25,520 --> 00:38:26,120
Speaker 2: for my art.

737
00:38:26,560 --> 00:38:27,360
Speaker 1: Yeah.

738
00:38:27,760 --> 00:38:30,120
Speaker 3: That there was that whole thing of just being willing

739
00:38:30,160 --> 00:38:35,600
Speaker 3: to sacrifice my own happiness, my own mental health, my

740
00:38:35,719 --> 00:38:40,319
Speaker 3: self esteem for my career because that was so just

741
00:38:40,640 --> 00:38:43,480
Speaker 3: the only thing that mattered to me. It was that

742
00:38:43,600 --> 00:38:45,960
Speaker 3: same thing. And then as soon as I gave my

743
00:38:46,040 --> 00:38:49,279
Speaker 3: life to God, it was like I just knew that

744
00:38:49,320 --> 00:38:51,000
Speaker 3: it was wrong and I couldn't do it anymore. And

745
00:38:51,040 --> 00:38:53,040
Speaker 3: there was there was one time where I was like,

746
00:38:53,320 --> 00:38:54,759
Speaker 3: maybe I can do it if I just do it

747
00:38:54,880 --> 00:38:57,120
Speaker 3: a little bit, and that's it.

748
00:38:57,120 --> 00:38:58,239
Speaker 1: It was just a tip.

749
00:38:58,480 --> 00:39:02,360
Speaker 3: It was just a tip, is that? And I had

750
00:39:03,040 --> 00:39:04,840
Speaker 3: usually if I was just the tipping a bit of

751
00:39:05,000 --> 00:39:09,080
Speaker 3: a bit of weed, it would have a slight effect.

752
00:39:09,560 --> 00:39:13,600
Speaker 3: And this because I feel like, because I kind of

753
00:39:13,800 --> 00:39:17,279
Speaker 3: made this agreement with God, as soon as I did that,

754
00:39:17,719 --> 00:39:22,800
Speaker 3: I was just panic attack on the floor, like breathing

755
00:39:22,960 --> 00:39:25,000
Speaker 3: so heavily and just like being I promise I will

756
00:39:25,000 --> 00:39:27,600
Speaker 3: never do this again. And then from there just stopped.

757
00:39:27,719 --> 00:39:33,040
Speaker 3: And after I was on like all these drugs, like

758
00:39:34,000 --> 00:39:37,040
Speaker 3: just medications and stuff, and since then I've gotten off

759
00:39:37,160 --> 00:39:40,279
Speaker 3: majority of them, Like I'm nearly off everything. I'm on

760
00:39:40,400 --> 00:39:45,719
Speaker 3: like four milligrams of diazepams. Still for the last few

761
00:39:45,719 --> 00:39:48,200
Speaker 3: tours that I've done over the last probably four years,

762
00:39:48,719 --> 00:39:50,319
Speaker 3: I was still taking value.

763
00:39:50,480 --> 00:39:52,279
Speaker 1: Because I don't know how you do that. Like when

764
00:39:52,320 --> 00:39:53,760
Speaker 1: I went through one.

765
00:39:55,320 --> 00:39:57,240
Speaker 2: Phase where I had to get half a whole bunch

766
00:39:57,280 --> 00:40:00,919
Speaker 2: of different meds and do a week with thing. Here's

767
00:40:00,960 --> 00:40:04,719
Speaker 2: some balliums and I know, me and Prince Vallium, we

768
00:40:04,880 --> 00:40:07,960
Speaker 2: fucking go way back. I got the script, I went home,

769
00:40:08,000 --> 00:40:11,279
Speaker 2: and I gave the bottle to my wife. Don't tell

770
00:40:11,320 --> 00:40:14,080
Speaker 2: me where it is. If you think I need one,

771
00:40:14,520 --> 00:40:16,680
Speaker 2: you give one to me. If I ask you for one,

772
00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:18,799
Speaker 2: don't give one to me. Wow, Because I know what

773
00:40:18,880 --> 00:40:21,040
Speaker 2: I am. All right, I empty your mini bar when

774
00:40:21,040 --> 00:40:22,560
Speaker 2: I check it. I get them to check the minibar

775
00:40:22,640 --> 00:40:23,799
Speaker 2: out of the room when I check it in a

776
00:40:23,840 --> 00:40:25,560
Speaker 2: hotel because I'm not going to do it. But I

777
00:40:25,600 --> 00:40:28,279
Speaker 2: know that, Like I said, there's a thing inside me

778
00:40:28,640 --> 00:40:31,600
Speaker 2: that given the chance, will destroy the world that I've built,

779
00:40:31,880 --> 00:40:33,560
Speaker 2: and I'm not going to give it that chance, all right,

780
00:40:33,600 --> 00:40:35,480
Speaker 2: And that's okay. It's okay because the life I get

781
00:40:35,480 --> 00:40:37,719
Speaker 2: to live because of it is amazing and I.

782
00:40:37,880 --> 00:40:40,359
Speaker 1: Like my life. So I don't have any fucking going

783
00:40:40,360 --> 00:40:42,600
Speaker 1: on the road with that in your pocket, man.

784
00:40:42,960 --> 00:40:43,320
Speaker 2: Yeah.

785
00:40:43,560 --> 00:40:45,440
Speaker 1: Yeah.

786
00:40:45,520 --> 00:40:47,520
Speaker 3: And the fact that I was doing it before going

787
00:40:47,560 --> 00:40:50,880
Speaker 3: on stage, but it was only it was only ten milligrams,

788
00:40:50,920 --> 00:40:53,719
Speaker 3: but it was enough to be tally.

789
00:40:53,440 --> 00:40:54,480
Speaker 1: Ten milligrams.

790
00:40:56,600 --> 00:40:57,320
Speaker 3: Like it was.

791
00:40:57,440 --> 00:40:59,600
Speaker 1: It was No, I understand. No, I'm just giving a

792
00:40:59,640 --> 00:41:01,040
Speaker 1: sho no no, no, no.

793
00:41:01,120 --> 00:41:04,680
Speaker 2: I trust completely that you are able to access these

794
00:41:04,719 --> 00:41:05,600
Speaker 2: things in the way that I am not.

795
00:41:05,840 --> 00:41:08,960
Speaker 1: It's basically, oh no, no, no, that you I trusted to.

796
00:41:09,400 --> 00:41:11,120
Speaker 2: You can trust yourself to go on the road with

797
00:41:11,160 --> 00:41:13,200
Speaker 2: this thing, and the people around you know that it's

798
00:41:13,239 --> 00:41:15,399
Speaker 2: there and you're tool manager and stuff like that.

799
00:41:15,800 --> 00:41:17,480
Speaker 1: They didn't know it was there.

800
00:41:17,640 --> 00:41:20,440
Speaker 3: No, I was. I was still just this this is

801
00:41:20,480 --> 00:41:24,479
Speaker 3: before God. So I was like, meant to be using

802
00:41:24,520 --> 00:41:27,760
Speaker 3: him for sleep, but because I needed to not feel

803
00:41:27,760 --> 00:41:30,480
Speaker 3: nervous on stage, I was like, well, just haven't before.

804
00:41:30,520 --> 00:41:33,160
Speaker 3: And my excuse was that when they lasted so long.

805
00:41:33,480 --> 00:41:36,000
Speaker 3: I was just getting ahead of it, you know, like

806
00:41:36,640 --> 00:41:38,480
Speaker 3: by the time I finished should be ten thirty, and

807
00:41:38,480 --> 00:41:39,640
Speaker 3: then I'll be groggy in the morning.

808
00:41:40,520 --> 00:41:44,279
Speaker 2: Addiction will decide everything for you well before you've had

809
00:41:44,280 --> 00:41:45,120
Speaker 2: a chance to think.

810
00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:49,800
Speaker 3: About It's the cunning little beast. I was baffling and powerful.

811
00:41:49,840 --> 00:41:59,759
Speaker 3: I believe it, man, And even even probably four months ago,

812
00:42:00,080 --> 00:42:02,400
Speaker 3: I was like, I will still use valume on this

813
00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:05,520
Speaker 3: next to a car. And then I've just felt God

814
00:42:05,640 --> 00:42:10,040
Speaker 3: was saying. I couldn't hear him audibly, but just felt

815
00:42:10,040 --> 00:42:14,279
Speaker 3: like it was in here saying not anymore. So this

816
00:42:14,400 --> 00:42:21,920
Speaker 3: tour next week, it kicks off no valumes, which I'm

817
00:42:22,000 --> 00:42:25,000
Speaker 3: actually really excited for. I know I'm going to have

818
00:42:25,040 --> 00:42:27,040
Speaker 3: that moment of being like I wish I had it here,

819
00:42:27,080 --> 00:42:31,759
Speaker 3: but I feel so much more at ease, and it's

820
00:42:32,000 --> 00:42:32,800
Speaker 3: because of God.

821
00:42:35,280 --> 00:42:36,840
Speaker 2: Just need a quick break from three to sixty to

822
00:42:36,880 --> 00:42:45,200
Speaker 2: play some ads back in a moment. You have the

823
00:42:45,239 --> 00:42:46,719
Speaker 2: life you have, you have the career you have because

824
00:42:46,719 --> 00:42:49,200
Speaker 2: you have a fan base that has engaged with you

825
00:42:49,239 --> 00:42:51,280
Speaker 2: and they have willingly given over their hard earned money

826
00:42:51,440 --> 00:42:54,440
Speaker 2: to buy your merch you know, pay for your tickets

827
00:42:54,440 --> 00:42:56,120
Speaker 2: to your shows. I would say by your records, but

828
00:42:56,120 --> 00:42:58,160
Speaker 2: that doesn't make an artist any money. If you, like

829
00:42:58,200 --> 00:43:02,000
Speaker 2: a band, buy their T shirt. This could have been

830
00:43:02,000 --> 00:43:05,320
Speaker 2: a private thing for you. Tell me about the choice

831
00:43:05,360 --> 00:43:08,840
Speaker 2: to start speaking about it, because this could have and

832
00:43:09,120 --> 00:43:10,440
Speaker 2: you know, this is the world we live in, but

833
00:43:10,480 --> 00:43:13,120
Speaker 2: this could have financial implications on you to speak like this.

834
00:43:13,719 --> 00:43:15,800
Speaker 1: Have you started engaging with fans?

835
00:43:15,800 --> 00:43:17,880
Speaker 2: Have you, you know, have been able to speak with people,

836
00:43:17,960 --> 00:43:19,879
Speaker 2: and have you had those moments yet?

837
00:43:20,000 --> 00:43:24,520
Speaker 3: I've had. I've had a lot of people just turn instantly. Yeah,

838
00:43:24,640 --> 00:43:27,480
Speaker 3: as soon as I started sharing about my faith, it

839
00:43:27,560 --> 00:43:31,440
Speaker 3: was like, maw, I remember the week I actually go okay,

840
00:43:31,520 --> 00:43:35,000
Speaker 3: I actually believe. Now lost thousands instantly, and I've got

841
00:43:35,040 --> 00:43:38,399
Speaker 3: a lot of hostile messages and dms and stuff like that.

842
00:43:38,280 --> 00:43:42,200
Speaker 1: That's the followers, you mean, yeah, okay, I got it.

843
00:43:42,280 --> 00:43:44,480
Speaker 3: Like it wasn't like I was hurt because I used

844
00:43:44,560 --> 00:43:47,920
Speaker 3: to reacting the exact same way. So I completely understand it.

845
00:43:48,680 --> 00:43:50,560
Speaker 3: And I know how jarring it is, you know, like

846
00:43:50,600 --> 00:43:54,839
Speaker 3: it's really jarring when someone suddenly all they can talk

847
00:43:54,880 --> 00:43:58,040
Speaker 3: about is Jesus and it's like the cure for everything,

848
00:43:58,320 --> 00:44:02,160
Speaker 3: you know. I guess that, Like I remember, right right

849
00:44:02,239 --> 00:44:04,239
Speaker 3: before my wall dropped, I was like, why do they

850
00:44:04,239 --> 00:44:06,839
Speaker 3: have to make it their whole personality? And now I'm

851
00:44:06,880 --> 00:44:10,359
Speaker 3: like realizing why. You know, it's what worship does. That's

852
00:44:11,440 --> 00:44:13,920
Speaker 3: when you worship something, it becomes your whole personality. And

853
00:44:13,960 --> 00:44:18,920
Speaker 3: before I worshiped pleasure and hedonism, sex and drugs and

854
00:44:18,920 --> 00:44:22,840
Speaker 3: stuff like that, you know, And I think what I

855
00:44:22,920 --> 00:44:25,600
Speaker 3: expected a lot more hostility. I expected it to ruin

856
00:44:25,680 --> 00:44:29,200
Speaker 3: my career, Like I honestly thought that it was going

857
00:44:29,239 --> 00:44:32,080
Speaker 3: to really hurt my ticket sales and stuff like that.

858
00:44:32,360 --> 00:44:35,520
Speaker 3: But I've been really surprised with how many people have

859
00:44:36,080 --> 00:44:38,719
Speaker 3: stuck by me, even though they might not see I

860
00:44:38,800 --> 00:44:41,600
Speaker 3: to eye with me where I'm at spiritually. It's been

861
00:44:41,760 --> 00:44:46,840
Speaker 3: really kind of heartwarming, man, to have so much support

862
00:44:46,920 --> 00:44:50,920
Speaker 3: and have people like, even though they might dislike how

863
00:44:51,400 --> 00:44:54,160
Speaker 3: open I'm being and how much I'm talking about it,

864
00:44:54,239 --> 00:44:58,520
Speaker 3: I think they can see that I was desperate. You know,

865
00:44:58,719 --> 00:45:02,520
Speaker 3: I've struggled so much much and this has been the answer,

866
00:45:02,640 --> 00:45:05,719
Speaker 3: the best thing that's happened to me in this that's what.

867
00:45:05,719 --> 00:45:09,560
Speaker 2: Works, you know, that's what works for you. I'd rather

868
00:45:09,680 --> 00:45:12,480
Speaker 2: have you alive and contributing to the culture of our country,

869
00:45:13,080 --> 00:45:15,879
Speaker 2: you know, what gets you there. It's your business man,

870
00:45:16,719 --> 00:45:19,200
Speaker 2: that's me now. But I'm fifty one. You know, it

871
00:45:19,280 --> 00:45:21,560
Speaker 2: was like twenty years ago this would not have been

872
00:45:21,640 --> 00:45:27,000
Speaker 2: this podcast. Yeah yeah, I would have gone the full

873
00:45:27,040 --> 00:45:32,799
Speaker 2: same Arizona ID a bit, you know. But thankfully I've

874
00:45:32,840 --> 00:45:39,400
Speaker 2: had enough experience in sobriety to understand different things.

875
00:45:39,200 --> 00:45:41,960
Speaker 1: Work for different people. All right. It's not to say.

876
00:45:41,719 --> 00:45:46,240
Speaker 2: That rehab or addiction treatment is also not without its flaws.

877
00:45:46,280 --> 00:45:46,640
Speaker 1: It is.

878
00:45:46,719 --> 00:45:48,759
Speaker 2: It's a deeper flu, a place full of deep flu

879
00:45:48,880 --> 00:45:52,040
Speaker 2: people all of community is full of Is it deeply full?

880
00:45:52,080 --> 00:45:54,520
Speaker 1: Place full of deep for people trying to be better? Right?

881
00:45:55,760 --> 00:45:58,319
Speaker 2: What gets you from there to a place where your

882
00:45:58,320 --> 00:45:59,600
Speaker 2: brain's starting to work better again?

883
00:46:00,160 --> 00:46:01,080
Speaker 1: Mate? If that works?

884
00:46:02,239 --> 00:46:09,120
Speaker 3: Also, the training and being fit has been so crucial.

885
00:46:08,800 --> 00:46:10,560
Speaker 2: Tell me about that. Tell me about how that came

886
00:46:10,560 --> 00:46:12,879
Speaker 2: into your life. You said you were overweight when you mate,

887
00:46:12,920 --> 00:46:13,480
Speaker 2: because I was.

888
00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:14,080
Speaker 1: I know that, man.

889
00:46:14,080 --> 00:46:15,800
Speaker 2: I I was on two different guys at anti psychotics.

890
00:46:15,840 --> 00:46:17,839
Speaker 2: I was putting on a kilo a week, all right,

891
00:46:17,880 --> 00:46:21,080
Speaker 2: because it messes with your insulin response. And I was

892
00:46:21,239 --> 00:46:23,520
Speaker 2: riding two hundred and fifty three hundred k is a

893
00:46:23,520 --> 00:46:26,279
Speaker 2: week on my bicycle. I'm still putting on way well

894
00:46:26,160 --> 00:46:28,640
Speaker 2: all right, and I sold my psychiatrists like, man, I've

895
00:46:28,600 --> 00:46:30,280
Speaker 2: got to go back and do this season the Bachelor.

896
00:46:30,600 --> 00:46:33,319
Speaker 1: I'm down to track pants, Like what are we going

897
00:46:33,360 --> 00:46:33,520
Speaker 1: to do?

898
00:46:33,560 --> 00:46:35,400
Speaker 2: It's like, well, you know, I could make all the

899
00:46:35,440 --> 00:46:37,640
Speaker 2: shit in your head stop, but you'd put on twenty kilos.

900
00:46:37,800 --> 00:46:40,560
Speaker 1: I can't do that. So I had to fucking deal

901
00:46:40,600 --> 00:46:43,680
Speaker 1: with it. It was fucking hard. So tell me about that.

902
00:46:43,719 --> 00:46:44,959
Speaker 2: Tell me how that came out of your life, because

903
00:46:45,120 --> 00:46:47,000
Speaker 2: you describe a life that didn't involve a lot of

904
00:46:47,080 --> 00:46:48,360
Speaker 2: you know, bench presses.

905
00:46:48,920 --> 00:46:52,520
Speaker 3: Oh man, and being on I think it was Sarah Quill. Yeah,

906
00:46:52,520 --> 00:46:55,120
Speaker 3: I was on that, which was like the munchies I

907
00:46:55,120 --> 00:46:57,560
Speaker 3: would get on that were crazy.

908
00:46:57,719 --> 00:46:59,520
Speaker 2: Does the job Like doesn't You're wrong. It's a really

909
00:46:59,560 --> 00:47:04,480
Speaker 2: good drug for what it does as advertised. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

910
00:47:04,480 --> 00:47:06,440
Speaker 2: but when the benefits of the side effects start.

911
00:47:06,280 --> 00:47:09,480
Speaker 3: To man, and I was like, because I was so depressed,

912
00:47:10,360 --> 00:47:14,440
Speaker 3: sugar became like a way of alleviating it or something.

913
00:47:14,680 --> 00:47:17,000
Speaker 3: So like when I would have those munchies, I would

914
00:47:17,040 --> 00:47:19,080
Speaker 3: have bags of skittles and just shove them into my

915
00:47:19,160 --> 00:47:21,920
Speaker 3: mouth during the night and just fall asleep just chewing

916
00:47:21,960 --> 00:47:24,400
Speaker 3: on them. And that it was like I was like

917
00:47:24,440 --> 00:47:28,239
Speaker 3: one hundred and twenty kilos, so I was thirty five

918
00:47:28,320 --> 00:47:29,160
Speaker 3: kilos heavier.

919
00:47:29,560 --> 00:47:32,080
Speaker 2: Wow, it's the buying the new clothes that you just

920
00:47:32,080 --> 00:47:34,319
Speaker 2: get reminded of, like, oh, man, I really am getting

921
00:47:34,360 --> 00:47:34,719
Speaker 2: fat here.

922
00:47:34,800 --> 00:47:37,279
Speaker 1: Yeah, bro, I have to get new genes every couple

923
00:47:37,239 --> 00:47:37,600
Speaker 1: of weeks.

924
00:47:37,880 --> 00:47:41,239
Speaker 3: And I couldn't look at myself like not did you

925
00:47:41,239 --> 00:47:43,040
Speaker 3: ever get like that where you couldn't look yourself in

926
00:47:43,080 --> 00:47:43,560
Speaker 3: the eye.

927
00:47:44,120 --> 00:47:45,880
Speaker 2: It's actually, you know, I'm only remembering this now. I

928
00:47:45,920 --> 00:47:49,279
Speaker 2: remember sitting in my apartment in Venice and like, I

929
00:47:49,520 --> 00:47:50,920
Speaker 2: only saw my head in the mirror.

930
00:47:52,600 --> 00:47:55,000
Speaker 1: I didn't see my body. Ah wow, I.

931
00:47:54,920 --> 00:47:57,680
Speaker 2: Didn't see my body getting out of the shower. Whoa,

932
00:47:57,719 --> 00:47:58,919
Speaker 2: It just like it wasn't there.

933
00:47:59,160 --> 00:47:59,680
Speaker 1: Wow.

934
00:48:00,840 --> 00:48:03,440
Speaker 2: It's only now as I'm sitting here telling you around

935
00:48:03,800 --> 00:48:04,439
Speaker 2: I remember that.

936
00:48:04,719 --> 00:48:06,440
Speaker 1: Whoa. Do you think that's denial?

937
00:48:06,960 --> 00:48:08,800
Speaker 2: Oh? It was my brain just trying to protect itself

938
00:48:08,800 --> 00:48:10,759
Speaker 2: from whatever else was going on.

939
00:48:10,840 --> 00:48:11,040
Speaker 3: Yeah.

940
00:48:11,120 --> 00:48:12,880
Speaker 2: I was in weight watches when I was eight. All right,

941
00:48:12,960 --> 00:48:18,360
Speaker 2: so there's a long history, long history.

942
00:48:19,040 --> 00:48:21,440
Speaker 3: So tell me about the training, like what Yeah, so

943
00:48:21,680 --> 00:48:24,600
Speaker 3: it was it was COVID. Man. I was like I

944
00:48:24,680 --> 00:48:27,960
Speaker 3: knew I'd done after I did my first detox, I

945
00:48:28,000 --> 00:48:31,040
Speaker 3: got out and I was like training and I was

946
00:48:31,200 --> 00:48:33,359
Speaker 3: so fit and I got in a really good shape

947
00:48:33,360 --> 00:48:35,319
Speaker 3: and it was the best I'd ever felt. And I

948
00:48:35,320 --> 00:48:37,840
Speaker 3: remember Mum and Dad were just like mad impressed. They

949
00:48:37,840 --> 00:48:40,799
Speaker 3: were like, you're glowing, like what is going on here?

950
00:48:40,800 --> 00:48:42,840
Speaker 3: This is awesome. So then when I got out of

951
00:48:42,840 --> 00:48:45,759
Speaker 3: rehab five years ago, it was like I was just

952
00:48:45,800 --> 00:48:48,640
Speaker 3: sitting in bed all day. It was lockdowns, so we

953
00:48:48,640 --> 00:48:53,040
Speaker 3: couldn't really do anything. But Mum was always saying, like, hey,

954
00:48:53,080 --> 00:48:55,399
Speaker 3: you know, why don't you get back into the gym.

955
00:48:55,440 --> 00:48:57,200
Speaker 3: Remember how good you used to feel? And she'd always

956
00:48:57,239 --> 00:48:59,080
Speaker 3: just come and say it is such a kind kind

957
00:48:59,080 --> 00:49:01,520
Speaker 3: of gentle way. And I was like, I know, I know,

958
00:49:01,640 --> 00:49:04,680
Speaker 3: I know, and just had no motivation to do it.

959
00:49:04,719 --> 00:49:07,240
Speaker 3: I just could not bring myself to do it, even man,

960
00:49:07,640 --> 00:49:09,759
Speaker 3: even just brushing my teeth and having a shower. I

961
00:49:09,840 --> 00:49:11,359
Speaker 3: was like, I was trying to go as long as

962
00:49:11,400 --> 00:49:13,759
Speaker 3: I could without doing those things.

963
00:49:13,480 --> 00:49:15,799
Speaker 1: Mate, I know what that's like.

964
00:49:15,960 --> 00:49:17,880
Speaker 2: I would have to write my list the day before

965
00:49:18,600 --> 00:49:20,160
Speaker 2: of the things I'm going to do the next day,

966
00:49:20,280 --> 00:49:22,440
Speaker 2: because if I didn't write my list, it wouldn't happen,

967
00:49:22,600 --> 00:49:25,479
Speaker 2: right and may this is how granular it was turn

968
00:49:25,520 --> 00:49:28,960
Speaker 2: off alarm, swing out of the bed, put my feet

969
00:49:29,000 --> 00:49:30,440
Speaker 2: on the floor, have a pee.

970
00:49:30,960 --> 00:49:31,719
Speaker 3: That detailed.

971
00:49:31,840 --> 00:49:35,000
Speaker 2: I had to because otherwise I would just be like, oh,

972
00:49:35,040 --> 00:49:40,839
Speaker 2: the choice, the decisions, like everything meant everything, and it

973
00:49:40,920 --> 00:49:42,839
Speaker 2: was the weight of my entire rest of my life

974
00:49:43,160 --> 00:49:45,240
Speaker 2: rested on what T shirt I would put on. Wow,

975
00:49:45,360 --> 00:49:48,040
Speaker 2: And I wouldn't leave the house if I wrote it

976
00:49:48,040 --> 00:49:50,839
Speaker 2: the day before though, when I wasn't in that PreCure state,

977
00:49:51,280 --> 00:49:52,480
Speaker 2: I was like, I'll just do the next thing on

978
00:49:52,520 --> 00:49:52,839
Speaker 2: my list.

979
00:49:54,080 --> 00:49:55,080
Speaker 1: And that's what helped me.

980
00:49:55,239 --> 00:49:58,440
Speaker 2: I understand that, mate, I absolutely understand that it's not

981
00:49:59,239 --> 00:50:02,520
Speaker 2: you know, people won't be listening going put on a

982
00:50:02,520 --> 00:50:03,080
Speaker 2: fucking jet.

983
00:50:03,160 --> 00:50:05,799
Speaker 3: Yeah, have a shower, have a shower there, Like you

984
00:50:05,800 --> 00:50:09,719
Speaker 3: don't understand, man, Yeah, Like in that moment, it was

985
00:50:09,760 --> 00:50:11,919
Speaker 3: the hardest thing ever.

986
00:50:12,080 --> 00:50:12,880
Speaker 1: I get it. It was.

987
00:50:13,000 --> 00:50:15,400
Speaker 3: It was so it's really hard to explain, but I

988
00:50:15,480 --> 00:50:18,120
Speaker 3: get it. I remember I was. I was so terminally

989
00:50:18,160 --> 00:50:20,480
Speaker 3: online during this time. I think it was fourteen hours

990
00:50:20,480 --> 00:50:21,359
Speaker 3: a day just on my.

991
00:50:21,360 --> 00:50:23,360
Speaker 1: Phone, a lot, a lot of dope, mean, a lot

992
00:50:23,400 --> 00:50:23,960
Speaker 1: of serotone.

993
00:50:23,960 --> 00:50:26,640
Speaker 3: It just just just a little bit, just just an

994
00:50:26,800 --> 00:50:30,360
Speaker 3: escape the whole thing. And I was on Twitter and

995
00:50:30,400 --> 00:50:33,080
Speaker 3: I scrolled across. I think his name is Scott Adams.

996
00:50:33,080 --> 00:50:35,840
Speaker 3: He was like a cartoonist or something, and he was like,

997
00:50:35,880 --> 00:50:40,400
Speaker 3: if you're struggling with motivation, this will fix it. And

998
00:50:40,440 --> 00:50:42,480
Speaker 3: I was like, okay, I'll give this a shot. Let's

999
00:50:42,480 --> 00:50:44,680
Speaker 3: have a look, and he goes. All you have to

1000
00:50:44,719 --> 00:50:47,480
Speaker 3: do is commit to doing one push up a day.

1001
00:50:48,440 --> 00:50:50,799
Speaker 3: Everyone can do that. If you just commit to that,

1002
00:50:50,920 --> 00:50:52,880
Speaker 3: now you're on your way. So I was like, okay,

1003
00:50:53,320 --> 00:50:55,480
Speaker 3: I'll do that, commit to it, and he goes, but

1004
00:50:55,520 --> 00:50:58,120
Speaker 3: when you're down there, you might as well do as

1005
00:50:58,160 --> 00:51:01,040
Speaker 3: many as he can. And then once you've done that,

1006
00:51:01,080 --> 00:51:03,600
Speaker 3: you might as well do three sets of that. So

1007
00:51:03,640 --> 00:51:06,600
Speaker 3: I started doing that and it worked. It's like I

1008
00:51:06,719 --> 00:51:12,280
Speaker 3: manipulated myself gas lipped myself into slowly developing a routine

1009
00:51:12,400 --> 00:51:15,200
Speaker 3: or a habit of doing this exercise. So after like

1010
00:51:15,320 --> 00:51:18,920
Speaker 3: six months, it went from just doing like twenty push

1011
00:51:19,000 --> 00:51:23,120
Speaker 3: ups three times to like doing full body workout with

1012
00:51:23,239 --> 00:51:26,480
Speaker 3: bands and all that, and started feeling better, Like, oh,

1013
00:51:26,760 --> 00:51:29,120
Speaker 3: this is weird. It's like my whole life has been

1014
00:51:29,200 --> 00:51:32,279
Speaker 3: greyscale for so long and suddenly the color's coming back. Yeah,

1015
00:51:32,480 --> 00:51:35,640
Speaker 3: It's like hmm, then I'm back in the gym and

1016
00:51:35,680 --> 00:51:39,960
Speaker 3: I'm like, I'm like intermittent fasting and dialing my diet,

1017
00:51:40,040 --> 00:51:43,000
Speaker 3: and then out of nowhere, I was like skinny again

1018
00:51:43,320 --> 00:51:47,160
Speaker 3: and it was like I've felt back. Yeah, it's like

1019
00:51:47,200 --> 00:51:48,040
Speaker 3: I felt like myself.

1020
00:51:48,080 --> 00:51:50,640
Speaker 2: We're designed to lift, we're designed to move, and when

1021
00:51:50,680 --> 00:51:54,480
Speaker 2: we exercise like that, like what you're describing, I like

1022
00:51:54,520 --> 00:51:57,200
Speaker 2: to talk about it like we're giving ourselves. We're giving

1023
00:51:57,200 --> 00:52:00,960
Speaker 2: our body the gift of the neurotransmitters, the hormones that

1024
00:52:01,000 --> 00:52:02,759
Speaker 2: we need to shift mood states throughout the day.

1025
00:52:02,760 --> 00:52:05,160
Speaker 1: They don't get released if we're not moving properly.

1026
00:52:05,440 --> 00:52:07,520
Speaker 2: All right, we don't have enough serotonin dope me nor

1027
00:52:07,560 --> 00:52:08,680
Speaker 2: prefer we don't have those things.

1028
00:52:08,680 --> 00:52:10,760
Speaker 1: We're not trained if we're not moving, because.

1029
00:52:10,560 --> 00:52:12,560
Speaker 2: We're designed to run around and hut for food and

1030
00:52:12,640 --> 00:52:15,360
Speaker 2: pick berries and you know, have dances and be in

1031
00:52:15,360 --> 00:52:15,800
Speaker 2: the sun.

1032
00:52:16,080 --> 00:52:16,440
Speaker 1: Yeah.

1033
00:52:16,480 --> 00:52:20,359
Speaker 3: Absolutely, And when you're indoors and you're just that in

1034
00:52:20,400 --> 00:52:22,920
Speaker 3: your bed, that's not we're not we don't work properly

1035
00:52:23,200 --> 00:52:25,880
Speaker 3: like that, and that shit's free. That's it's free. And

1036
00:52:25,920 --> 00:52:29,040
Speaker 3: also what you describe there is the version. It's that

1037
00:52:29,080 --> 00:52:33,040
Speaker 3: one push up thing that's really all sobriety is is

1038
00:52:33,080 --> 00:52:34,520
Speaker 3: like can you do the next five minutes?

1039
00:52:35,080 --> 00:52:38,799
Speaker 1: Great? When you get to four and a half, could

1040
00:52:38,800 --> 00:52:39,640
Speaker 1: you do the next five?

1041
00:52:39,880 --> 00:52:40,360
Speaker 3: Probably?

1042
00:52:41,160 --> 00:52:43,719
Speaker 2: That's all it is. That is literally all it is.

1043
00:52:44,280 --> 00:52:46,759
Speaker 2: Can you be willing to be with the discomfort of

1044
00:52:47,400 --> 00:52:50,560
Speaker 2: just you know as well? You've got this far? Can

1045
00:52:50,560 --> 00:52:51,360
Speaker 2: you get to bed without it?

1046
00:52:51,400 --> 00:52:51,560
Speaker 3: Now?

1047
00:52:52,560 --> 00:52:53,400
Speaker 1: Do the same thing tomorrow.

1048
00:52:54,040 --> 00:52:57,040
Speaker 2: That's just break it down to the most granular, granular

1049
00:52:57,080 --> 00:53:00,520
Speaker 2: step you can. Yeah, because that's easy, that's doable. Yeah,

1050
00:53:00,880 --> 00:53:03,480
Speaker 2: just one little minute step at a time. And then

1051
00:53:03,560 --> 00:53:06,640
Speaker 2: over over like six months, you've developed a habit and

1052
00:53:06,680 --> 00:53:08,360
Speaker 2: it starts to reform.

1053
00:53:07,960 --> 00:53:09,160
Speaker 1: Our identity about who we are.

1054
00:53:10,080 --> 00:53:12,080
Speaker 2: You've gone from you know, Matt, the you know sick

1055
00:53:12,160 --> 00:53:15,040
Speaker 2: party animal too, he's fucking look at the ring on him.

1056
00:53:15,120 --> 00:53:15,479
Speaker 3: You know.

1057
00:53:16,000 --> 00:53:18,680
Speaker 2: You know, I'm the kind of guy that does lots

1058
00:53:18,680 --> 00:53:20,759
Speaker 2: of push ups and does lots of air squats and

1059
00:53:21,160 --> 00:53:22,040
Speaker 2: does lots of bourbies.

1060
00:53:22,719 --> 00:53:24,080
Speaker 1: I feel better when I do it. What do you

1061
00:53:24,160 --> 00:53:26,560
Speaker 1: like if you don't train these days?

1062
00:53:27,080 --> 00:53:27,799
Speaker 3: I can feel it.

1063
00:53:28,040 --> 00:53:29,359
Speaker 1: Yeah, I can definitely feel it.

1064
00:53:29,400 --> 00:53:31,800
Speaker 3: But I think just with where my faith is that

1065
00:53:32,000 --> 00:53:34,400
Speaker 3: now I feel just I've never I've never been in

1066
00:53:34,440 --> 00:53:39,239
Speaker 3: a better place, and like I had, I've had had

1067
00:53:39,280 --> 00:53:45,279
Speaker 3: one moment where I was like it got extreme anxiety

1068
00:53:45,440 --> 00:53:48,480
Speaker 3: to the point where was like, okay, this is where

1069
00:53:48,520 --> 00:53:53,440
Speaker 3: I'm going to use and I it was overwhelming, man,

1070
00:53:53,520 --> 00:53:56,719
Speaker 3: it was like, yeah, it was that I've had like

1071
00:53:56,760 --> 00:54:00,680
Speaker 3: a bottle in my drawer just sitting there and like

1072
00:54:02,840 --> 00:54:06,440
Speaker 3: instantly just started praying and was just like it was

1073
00:54:06,520 --> 00:54:09,440
Speaker 3: like it was full on. It was like not like

1074
00:54:09,480 --> 00:54:12,200
Speaker 3: a usual prayer where I would just speak, but it.

1075
00:54:12,239 --> 00:54:12,640
Speaker 1: Was like.

1076
00:54:14,280 --> 00:54:16,600
Speaker 3: Shouting, you know, you know what I mean. It was

1077
00:54:16,640 --> 00:54:20,040
Speaker 3: like I'm letting it out, like this emotional kind of

1078
00:54:20,120 --> 00:54:24,160
Speaker 3: primitive kind of just letting it out, and it was

1079
00:54:24,200 --> 00:54:28,560
Speaker 3: like speaking to a psychologist but with the most brutal honesty.

1080
00:54:28,600 --> 00:54:30,600
Speaker 3: And it just went away.

1081
00:54:30,680 --> 00:54:30,919
Speaker 2: Man.

1082
00:54:31,640 --> 00:54:35,359
Speaker 3: And that and yeah, anytime I'm feeling it now, I'm

1083
00:54:35,440 --> 00:54:40,600
Speaker 3: going into prayer and that's becoming the vice, which is

1084
00:54:40,640 --> 00:54:43,080
Speaker 3: so surprising. I never thought i'd get here, But just

1085
00:54:43,160 --> 00:54:44,880
Speaker 3: so glad that I am. Why did you use the

1086
00:54:44,920 --> 00:54:48,040
Speaker 3: word vice? Like are you concern that it maybe vice

1087
00:54:48,080 --> 00:54:54,000
Speaker 3: isn't the right word outlet? Okay, yeah, yeah, but it's

1088
00:54:54,040 --> 00:54:57,160
Speaker 3: what I'll turn to now instead of anything else. But

1089
00:54:58,040 --> 00:55:00,440
Speaker 3: if I wake up, like if I have a night,

1090
00:55:01,280 --> 00:55:03,920
Speaker 3: even if it's just after eleven o'clock. I wake up

1091
00:55:03,920 --> 00:55:09,960
Speaker 3: feeling really seedy, man, like, I don't feel good. If

1092
00:55:09,960 --> 00:55:13,120
Speaker 3: I'm in that state, I will go and just destroy

1093
00:55:13,239 --> 00:55:16,400
Speaker 3: myself at the gym, like do forty five minutes to

1094
00:55:16,440 --> 00:55:19,759
Speaker 3: an hour of really really intense cardio, And when I

1095
00:55:19,840 --> 00:55:23,160
Speaker 3: do that, I feel like I've I've slept properly. After that,

1096
00:55:24,120 --> 00:55:26,520
Speaker 3: and I do wim Hoff breath work after that too,

1097
00:55:26,960 --> 00:55:29,960
Speaker 3: and then I just feel so good, Like the wim

1098
00:55:29,960 --> 00:55:31,160
Speaker 3: Hoff has been amazing.

1099
00:55:31,239 --> 00:55:31,439
Speaker 2: Man.

1100
00:55:32,680 --> 00:55:37,360
Speaker 3: I did Bliss and Esso. We're playing at the Forum,

1101
00:55:37,400 --> 00:55:40,840
Speaker 3: which is the same place that I'm playing at next Friday,

1102
00:55:41,880 --> 00:55:42,399
Speaker 3: the Big Room.

1103
00:55:42,440 --> 00:55:44,600
Speaker 1: It's middle of Melbourne. Yeah, beautiful place.

1104
00:55:45,600 --> 00:55:47,520
Speaker 3: They wanted me to jump up and do a song

1105
00:55:47,560 --> 00:55:51,319
Speaker 3: with them, and this was like, you know, if I

1106
00:55:51,360 --> 00:55:52,879
Speaker 3: feel like this is like a good way to feel

1107
00:55:52,920 --> 00:55:55,879
Speaker 3: it out, see what the nerves are like, see if

1108
00:55:55,880 --> 00:56:00,360
Speaker 3: I'm like hanging for the valum or whatever. And I

1109
00:56:00,600 --> 00:56:02,759
Speaker 3: was very nervous. I didn't want to be there. It

1110
00:56:02,840 --> 00:56:06,600
Speaker 3: was late. I wanted to go to bed, but I

1111
00:56:06,760 --> 00:56:08,920
Speaker 3: just went into the breath work. I did like thirty

1112
00:56:08,920 --> 00:56:12,040
Speaker 3: minutes of it and then it's like it just re

1113
00:56:12,280 --> 00:56:15,480
Speaker 3: routed that anxiety and turned it into excitement.

1114
00:56:16,239 --> 00:56:19,240
Speaker 2: Yeah, Fritz Pearl, one of the fathers of psychology. Fear

1115
00:56:20,200 --> 00:56:21,960
Speaker 2: is excitement without the breath.

1116
00:56:23,320 --> 00:56:26,800
Speaker 1: H yeah, never heard that before.

1117
00:56:27,120 --> 00:56:30,440
Speaker 3: It's the same thing, Isn't that crazy?

1118
00:56:31,400 --> 00:56:32,520
Speaker 1: How you frame the sensation?

1119
00:56:33,800 --> 00:56:36,000
Speaker 2: Wow, I say it's my son, Like over my son,

1120
00:56:36,080 --> 00:56:38,760
Speaker 2: Like he's just started playing touch and.

1121
00:56:40,360 --> 00:56:41,000
Speaker 1: He'll be out there.

1122
00:56:41,000 --> 00:56:43,520
Speaker 2: Like if he's in the house, right and he bumps

1123
00:56:43,520 --> 00:56:44,719
Speaker 2: into the couch, he's his shin.

1124
00:56:45,320 --> 00:56:47,440
Speaker 1: He'd be like, yeah, on the ground and it's on

1125
00:56:47,800 --> 00:56:48,680
Speaker 1: it's like, ah.

1126
00:56:48,840 --> 00:56:51,200
Speaker 2: You know, if he's out the plank touch, he's trying

1127
00:56:51,200 --> 00:56:54,160
Speaker 2: to score a try and someone bangs his shin like

1128
00:56:54,320 --> 00:56:58,960
Speaker 2: but whatever, the same sensation, but it's in the service

1129
00:56:59,000 --> 00:57:01,839
Speaker 2: of I'm trying to score a try this five? Right,

1130
00:57:01,920 --> 00:57:04,160
Speaker 2: But you know what I mean, it's it's what do

1131
00:57:04,200 --> 00:57:06,200
Speaker 2: we have? We have the ability when we've got a

1132
00:57:06,200 --> 00:57:09,000
Speaker 2: bit more space in our brains. Breathing helps. That part

1133
00:57:09,320 --> 00:57:11,480
Speaker 2: is to just choose to how to frame the sensation

1134
00:57:11,520 --> 00:57:14,800
Speaker 2: that we're dealing with. You know, then, how did you go?

1135
00:57:14,880 --> 00:57:17,000
Speaker 2: You got on the mic and it you're crushed it? Yeah,

1136
00:57:17,000 --> 00:57:17,480
Speaker 2: of course you did.

1137
00:57:17,560 --> 00:57:20,600
Speaker 3: I was just yeah, in my element up there, you know.

1138
00:57:22,200 --> 00:57:24,520
Speaker 2: You know, when you're thinking now about this tour that

1139
00:57:24,560 --> 00:57:29,280
Speaker 2: you're about to go on. You know, when you think

1140
00:57:29,280 --> 00:57:30,840
Speaker 2: about what do you want from being on stage? You

1141
00:57:30,840 --> 00:57:33,560
Speaker 2: spoke about this the start of a conversation. It's ultimately connecting.

1142
00:57:33,720 --> 00:57:35,920
Speaker 2: You're connecting with a person, connecting with the crowd, and

1143
00:57:35,960 --> 00:57:37,160
Speaker 2: you're creating something together.

1144
00:57:37,240 --> 00:57:39,720
Speaker 1: Better crowded, you're better, you are better, you are better.

1145
00:57:39,760 --> 00:57:41,840
Speaker 2: Crowd is like you build something together, and that's what

1146
00:57:42,000 --> 00:57:43,600
Speaker 2: this show is know as good. It's different from that,

1147
00:57:43,800 --> 00:57:46,840
Speaker 2: different from that, different from that show, and the different

1148
00:57:46,840 --> 00:57:49,400
Speaker 2: flavor of the crowd will change how the performance is

1149
00:57:49,440 --> 00:57:50,720
Speaker 2: and they're going to see something no one else is

1150
00:57:50,720 --> 00:57:53,600
Speaker 2: ever going to see ever. Again, what are your thoughts

1151
00:57:53,640 --> 00:57:55,760
Speaker 2: about getting on stage and engaging with that crowd with

1152
00:57:56,920 --> 00:58:02,600
Speaker 2: out all those layers between you and them, the layers

1153
00:58:02,600 --> 00:58:05,040
Speaker 2: of whatever was going on in your bloodstream?

1154
00:58:05,080 --> 00:58:08,720
Speaker 3: And very keen. I'm very excited to see how it goes.

1155
00:58:10,840 --> 00:58:13,760
Speaker 3: But there's that, I guess there's there just that feeling

1156
00:58:13,800 --> 00:58:16,520
Speaker 3: of like you're going to be nervous, You're going to

1157
00:58:16,520 --> 00:58:20,200
Speaker 3: be a bag of nerves before this, which could happen.

1158
00:58:20,280 --> 00:58:23,000
Speaker 3: But I feel like if I just do my little routine,

1159
00:58:23,040 --> 00:58:27,160
Speaker 3: like that breath work beforehand, maybe maybe I might feel

1160
00:58:27,160 --> 00:58:30,160
Speaker 3: a bit stiff and a bit self conscious during the

1161
00:58:30,200 --> 00:58:32,480
Speaker 3: first few songs, but then I feel like I'll lock in.

1162
00:58:32,800 --> 00:58:35,000
Speaker 3: That's always been the case in the past. If I've

1163
00:58:35,040 --> 00:58:38,600
Speaker 3: ever been like, okay, I've got butterflies here, just once

1164
00:58:38,640 --> 00:58:41,080
Speaker 3: you get going, it's just like you just break into it,

1165
00:58:41,440 --> 00:58:42,360
Speaker 3: into the flow of it.

1166
00:58:42,400 --> 00:58:43,600
Speaker 1: I guess I don't.

1167
00:58:43,680 --> 00:58:45,560
Speaker 2: I think, you know, if people are coming to see you,

1168
00:58:45,600 --> 00:58:49,040
Speaker 2: they're definitely aware who you are, and people are buying

1169
00:58:49,040 --> 00:58:50,880
Speaker 2: a ticket because they know you, where you are, they

1170
00:58:50,960 --> 00:58:51,480
Speaker 2: know your story.

1171
00:58:51,480 --> 00:58:53,640
Speaker 1: A lot of people, no doubt.

1172
00:58:53,600 --> 00:58:55,920
Speaker 2: Have engaged with you and the music you're making because

1173
00:58:55,920 --> 00:58:58,200
Speaker 2: of your story and they have similarities with them or

1174
00:58:58,240 --> 00:59:01,360
Speaker 2: someone they love. And I would put it to you

1175
00:59:01,400 --> 00:59:03,560
Speaker 2: that even if you have to stop track in the

1176
00:59:03,560 --> 00:59:07,000
Speaker 2: middle and goes, guys, I'm fucking shipping myself here, they

1177
00:59:07,040 --> 00:59:12,040
Speaker 2: will have you. They will embrace you, and they'll be

1178
00:59:12,120 --> 00:59:15,160
Speaker 2: happy to do so, and you'll have a moment together.

1179
00:59:17,040 --> 00:59:17,600
Speaker 3: That's true.

1180
00:59:18,440 --> 00:59:18,640
Speaker 1: Yeah.

1181
00:59:18,680 --> 00:59:20,800
Speaker 3: I think owning it, yeah is smart.

1182
00:59:23,160 --> 00:59:23,840
Speaker 1: You already are.

1183
00:59:24,720 --> 00:59:27,160
Speaker 3: It's been so like so many times throughout my career

1184
00:59:27,200 --> 00:59:30,160
Speaker 3: where I was like I was hiding it. But I

1185
00:59:30,200 --> 00:59:36,720
Speaker 3: think just being authentic with what is happening is the

1186
00:59:37,360 --> 00:59:39,240
Speaker 3: way through it, you know, And I think what you

1187
00:59:39,360 --> 00:59:41,720
Speaker 3: just said is a really good point, Like I don't

1188
00:59:41,760 --> 00:59:44,680
Speaker 3: need to hide that either, you know, just own it

1189
00:59:45,000 --> 00:59:47,640
Speaker 3: and embrace it. And I'm sure it'll they will connect

1190
00:59:47,640 --> 00:59:49,200
Speaker 3: with that too, like they will relate to that.

1191
00:59:49,680 --> 00:59:52,320
Speaker 2: It's fucking cool what you're doing, man, because there's this

1192
00:59:52,400 --> 00:59:57,080
Speaker 2: story that you're saying. It didn't exist when I was young.

1193
00:59:57,120 --> 00:59:57,280
Speaker 1: Man.

1194
00:59:58,080 --> 01:00:02,240
Speaker 2: This conversation between two men I never heard when I

1195
01:00:02,320 --> 01:00:05,760
Speaker 2: was in those fourteen years from when someone said, Hey,

1196
01:00:05,840 --> 01:00:08,120
Speaker 2: what the fuck is this about? As they were pulling

1197
01:00:08,200 --> 01:00:09,800
Speaker 2: vomint covered hair out of my mouth? Had long hair

1198
01:00:09,840 --> 01:00:12,720
Speaker 2: at the time, and you know, finally when I realized,

1199
01:00:12,720 --> 01:00:15,360
Speaker 2: like I have to stop this. I never heard this conversation.

1200
01:00:16,000 --> 01:00:17,960
Speaker 2: Whether I was capable of hearing it or not, I

1201
01:00:18,000 --> 01:00:21,160
Speaker 2: don't know, but I didn't hear this conversation.

1202
01:00:21,720 --> 01:00:22,240
Speaker 1: People have no.

1203
01:00:22,200 --> 01:00:24,840
Speaker 2: Idea the dragons you've had to slay to be here today,

1204
01:00:25,280 --> 01:00:27,840
Speaker 2: all right, anyone that is living on the other side

1205
01:00:27,840 --> 01:00:29,320
Speaker 2: of the sort of stuff you've been describing as a

1206
01:00:29,320 --> 01:00:33,880
Speaker 2: fucking giant killer and that's more powerful, more amazing, more

1207
01:00:33,920 --> 01:00:38,960
Speaker 2: strong than it, to be honest, numbing it.

1208
01:00:39,280 --> 01:00:42,600
Speaker 1: And and I know you don't trying to not swear

1209
01:00:42,640 --> 01:00:44,160
Speaker 1: at the moment, but I'll say it for you. Fucking

1210
01:00:44,240 --> 01:00:45,840
Speaker 1: fucked a lot of them.

1211
01:00:46,960 --> 01:00:49,200
Speaker 2: You can outsource your swearing to me, yea, if you like,

1212
01:00:49,600 --> 01:00:53,760
Speaker 2: you're happy to do it. I appreciate you coming to today, man,

1213
01:00:54,120 --> 01:00:55,919
Speaker 2: I'm really grateful to connect with you and have a chat.

1214
01:00:56,200 --> 01:00:58,600
Speaker 3: Likewise, it was really about doing it ages ago.

1215
01:00:58,880 --> 01:00:59,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, we do.

1216
01:01:00,120 --> 01:01:02,720
Speaker 2: You could have chosen to not be as open with

1217
01:01:02,800 --> 01:01:04,600
Speaker 2: me as you did, but I'm grateful you did. Thank you,

1218
01:01:04,720 --> 01:01:07,440
Speaker 2: and I hope people can hear that it's important to

1219
01:01:07,440 --> 01:01:08,160
Speaker 2: have these kind of chats.

1220
01:01:08,160 --> 01:01:08,960
Speaker 1: I'm grateful you did.

1221
01:01:09,080 --> 01:01:10,360
Speaker 3: Thank you, man, Thank you for having me.

1222
01:01:14,280 --> 01:01:17,320
Speaker 2: That was three point sixty. The brand new album is

1223
01:01:17,360 --> 01:01:19,440
Speaker 2: called Out of the Blue. He's on tour around the

1224
01:01:19,440 --> 01:01:21,120
Speaker 2: country right now, or put the links in the show

1225
01:01:21,120 --> 01:01:23,640
Speaker 2: notes where you can also get the brand new book.

1226
01:01:23,680 --> 01:01:25,760
Speaker 2: It's called So What Now What, available for pre order

1227
01:01:25,840 --> 01:01:29,080
Speaker 2: out on the fifth of August. Tour dates coming soon

1228
01:01:29,160 --> 01:01:31,600
Speaker 2: as well as if you want to come al come

1229
01:01:31,640 --> 01:01:34,760
Speaker 2: along and listen to some live comedy storytelling. We do

1230
01:01:34,800 --> 01:01:36,680
Speaker 2: it once a month August tenth at the Factory Theatre

1231
01:01:36,720 --> 01:01:39,200
Speaker 2: in Americaple. The tickets for the next Story Club are

1232
01:01:39,200 --> 01:01:41,400
Speaker 2: on sale right now. Thanks so much to Addam Bunch

1233
01:01:41,480 --> 01:01:42,320
Speaker 2: for producing this show.

1234
01:01:42,680 --> 01:01:52,760
Speaker 1: I'll be back here on Monday.