WEBVTT - #1998 " Scared and Courageous" - Harps 0:00:00.560 --> 0:00:03.199 I'll get it him. It's Harps. Welcome to another installment 0:00:03.200 --> 0:00:05.760 of the show. Have your bloody terrific. It's probably Monday. 0:00:05.880 --> 0:00:08.520 Well it's coming out on Monday. So if you're hearing 0:00:08.520 --> 0:00:10.560 this on Monday, happy Monday. If it's any other day, 0:00:10.600 --> 0:00:13.400 happy day, Happy bloody every day. In fact, let's have 0:00:13.560 --> 0:00:19.960 all the days good. Let's do that. Ah. I saw 0:00:20.000 --> 0:00:23.960 Tom Cruise the other day. Who is He's a cat, 0:00:24.120 --> 0:00:27.080 isn't he? He's an interesting character, isn't he anyway? Irrespect 0:00:27.160 --> 0:00:30.800 of what you think of him, he's kind of Yeah, 0:00:31.040 --> 0:00:33.239 I was I was going to be judgy, but I 0:00:33.280 --> 0:00:36.480 am interested by him. I think he is at times weird, 0:00:36.600 --> 0:00:41.480 is at times brilliant, fascinating, clearly talented. But he does 0:00:41.520 --> 0:00:45.760 say some things that I don't agree with. But he 0:00:45.800 --> 0:00:47.760 also says some things that make me want to lean 0:00:47.760 --> 0:00:51.920 in a little bit. And he was talking on something 0:00:51.960 --> 0:00:55.520 that someone sent me about not being afraid of being afraid, 0:00:57.120 --> 0:00:59.279 and I thought, I like that. I like that expression. 0:00:59.320 --> 0:01:04.840 I like that of being okay with fear and being 0:01:04.880 --> 0:01:06.800 able to put up your hand and go, hey, I 0:01:06.800 --> 0:01:09.000 get scared all the time, or I get scared sometimes, 0:01:09.080 --> 0:01:12.679 or I'm scared regularly, or it's something that impacts my 0:01:12.800 --> 0:01:15.720 life and my thinking and my choices and my emotions. 0:01:15.760 --> 0:01:22.000 And you know, I guess that pretty much everybody that 0:01:22.080 --> 0:01:24.960 I talk to at some stage, we when I sit 0:01:25.000 --> 0:01:27.120 down and we go deep on something, or we're just 0:01:27.160 --> 0:01:29.240 even having coffee, But if we talk about life or 0:01:29.240 --> 0:01:32.200 career or kids, or growth, or health or well being 0:01:32.319 --> 0:01:34.200 or the meaning of life or purpose or any of 0:01:34.240 --> 0:01:38.480 those light things, we eventually come back to something which is, 0:01:39.600 --> 0:01:42.440 you know, in the ballpark of fear. And it might 0:01:42.480 --> 0:01:45.480 be a manifestation or a symptom of fear, like overthinking 0:01:45.560 --> 0:01:48.600 or self doubt or self loathing, or apprehension or avoidance, 0:01:49.400 --> 0:01:53.920 or a whole bunch of things that can be linked 0:01:54.080 --> 0:01:59.920 to some kind of fear. And so human humans are fear. 0:02:00.760 --> 0:02:03.800 It's always been part of the human experience. We've always 0:02:03.880 --> 0:02:09.280 been all of us and will always be scared of something. 0:02:09.560 --> 0:02:12.040 We might be more or less scared over time, the 0:02:12.040 --> 0:02:15.280 thing that once terrified us might not down the track, 0:02:15.400 --> 0:02:17.680 so that thing that was scary is no longer scary. 0:02:18.160 --> 0:02:21.600 In fact, the thing that we're scary, for example, public speaking, 0:02:21.720 --> 0:02:24.080 might be something that over time, with work and skill 0:02:24.160 --> 0:02:27.120 and improvement and all of those things and cognitive shifts 0:02:27.560 --> 0:02:31.080 you become really quite fond of or even not only 0:02:31.120 --> 0:02:34.680 does it not give you fear or anxiety or any 0:02:34.720 --> 0:02:37.920 of those negative emotional things, but it gives you joy, 0:02:37.960 --> 0:02:41.720 It gives you pleasure, It connects you to other people, 0:02:42.000 --> 0:02:45.600 it gives you it's provided you with growth and development 0:02:45.800 --> 0:02:48.480 and insight and all of those things. So we can 0:02:49.360 --> 0:02:52.400 the same person can go from being scared of something 0:02:52.600 --> 0:02:56.120 to somewhere in the ballpark of the opposite. But there 0:02:56.120 --> 0:03:00.320 will always be things that scare us, and that is 0:03:00.400 --> 0:03:02.760 part of this human experience. And some of those things 0:03:02.760 --> 0:03:06.079 that scare us should scare us. Some of those things 0:03:06.120 --> 0:03:11.320 that scare us in built evolutionarily. They've been there for 0:03:11.360 --> 0:03:14.799 a long time. The evolutionary purpose of fear is it's 0:03:14.840 --> 0:03:18.600 a survival mechanism, you know, fight, flight, freeze. It's there 0:03:18.680 --> 0:03:23.840 to protect you from whatever the real or perceived or 0:03:23.919 --> 0:03:28.720 potential threat might be. It's not a new thing, and 0:03:28.760 --> 0:03:30.720 it's not a thing that's going away. But I guess 0:03:30.760 --> 0:03:34.440 the thing that I'm most interested in. And again I'm 0:03:34.440 --> 0:03:38.000 not an expert in this field. This is me talking 0:03:38.000 --> 0:03:41.280 to you, Me a guy who's been scared a lot. 0:03:41.440 --> 0:03:45.320 And continues to worry about things or be scared of things. 0:03:46.200 --> 0:03:49.080 And it's always hard to be objective about you. You 0:03:49.200 --> 0:03:52.080 being objective about you, me being objective about me. But 0:03:52.200 --> 0:03:57.280 I think overall, I'm less fearful than I used to be. 0:03:57.360 --> 0:03:59.560 I still have fear, I still worry about things. I 0:03:59.560 --> 0:04:02.040 can still ruminate or obsess a little bit. But I 0:04:02.080 --> 0:04:08.640 think I'm far less influenced or controlled or limited or 0:04:09.000 --> 0:04:13.280 held to ransom by my fear than I once was. 0:04:14.400 --> 0:04:17.760 I think I've always been This might sound arrogant, and 0:04:17.880 --> 0:04:21.120 if it does, I apologize. I think I've always been 0:04:21.160 --> 0:04:23.600 a little bit brave, though, because I've always been prepared 0:04:23.640 --> 0:04:26.279 to do things that scared me. Not everything that scared me, 0:04:26.360 --> 0:04:30.640 of course, But I think for me understanding that because 0:04:30.680 --> 0:04:33.800 I wasn't the super talented, gifted, you know, any of 0:04:33.839 --> 0:04:36.840 those things kind of human, you know, I didn't grow 0:04:36.920 --> 0:04:40.960 up being exceptional in any way. I knew that if 0:04:41.000 --> 0:04:42.919 I was going to succeed or grow or learn or 0:04:42.920 --> 0:04:45.840 evolve or become a better version of me, or end 0:04:45.920 --> 0:04:48.000 up not broke, or end up in a career I 0:04:48.040 --> 0:04:50.680 hopefully loved, or end up in a physical condition that 0:04:50.880 --> 0:04:54.400 was healthy, I knew that I would have to do 0:04:54.480 --> 0:04:58.080 hard things, uncomfortable things, things that I was unfamiliar with, 0:04:58.160 --> 0:05:02.320 things that were uncertain, things that were for me unknown, 0:05:02.520 --> 0:05:07.320 and in summary, things that scared me. And you know, 0:05:07.400 --> 0:05:12.720 I don't think there's a three step plan to overcoming fear. Also, 0:05:12.880 --> 0:05:16.880 I don't think all fear needs to be overcome. Of course, 0:05:16.880 --> 0:05:19.560 there are some things which are healthy fears. Hey, don't 0:05:19.600 --> 0:05:21.560 walk in front of the car, don't put your hand 0:05:21.600 --> 0:05:24.400 in the fire, you know, don't do that dumb shit. 0:05:24.560 --> 0:05:28.520 Probably don't walk home late at night in a dangerous 0:05:28.560 --> 0:05:32.280 area by yourself. These are probably wise things to embrace. 0:05:33.040 --> 0:05:35.520 But then there are those other fears that can be 0:05:35.760 --> 0:05:41.200 that can be debilitating unless we offset that fear or 0:05:41.240 --> 0:05:46.320 we lean into that fear with a little bit of courage. 0:05:46.480 --> 0:05:50.320 And so I guess the idea is well for me, 0:05:50.440 --> 0:05:53.480 the idea and personally and for those that I've worked with, 0:05:53.560 --> 0:05:57.400 has not been to overcome fear, but to understand it, 0:05:58.279 --> 0:06:01.320 to understand it and from where it arises, and what 0:06:01.360 --> 0:06:03.279 we can do about it, and what we can't do 0:06:03.360 --> 0:06:06.400 about what's in our control and what's not in our control. 0:06:07.360 --> 0:06:10.400 So I might be fearful about what might happen the 0:06:10.400 --> 0:06:14.400 next five ten years in the world on planet Earth. 0:06:14.480 --> 0:06:16.200 What the fuck is going to happen? I don't know 0:06:16.360 --> 0:06:20.200 right now. It's kind of scary. It's kind of scary, 0:06:20.240 --> 0:06:23.360 and I could I don't, but I could probably start 0:06:23.400 --> 0:06:27.640 reading everything, listening to everything, watching everything, absorbing all the 0:06:27.680 --> 0:06:31.160 stuff that's going on around the world, everybody's opinion, both sides, 0:06:31.160 --> 0:06:36.040 all sides, whatever, and I could be pretty much stuck 0:06:36.080 --> 0:06:39.960 in some kind of analysis paralysis with you know, by lunchtime. 0:06:41.360 --> 0:06:43.919 But I know that that one doesn't resolve anything. It 0:06:43.920 --> 0:06:47.040 doesn't fix anything, it doesn't change. I am not single 0:06:47.080 --> 0:06:52.640 handedly going to change the destiny of mankind or probably 0:06:52.680 --> 0:06:55.080 anything in particular, to be honest, but you know, I'll 0:06:55.120 --> 0:06:58.039 still keep speaking up and having a crack. But what 0:06:58.240 --> 0:07:02.320 is better in terms of managing emotional energy, my psychological energy, 0:07:02.320 --> 0:07:06.919 my physiological energy around fear is to pay attention most 0:07:06.960 --> 0:07:09.680 to the things that are in my control while acknowledging 0:07:09.800 --> 0:07:13.680 the stuff that's a bit scary and being okay with 0:07:13.840 --> 0:07:17.440 being scared. Tom Cruise, I'm not scared of being scared, 0:07:17.480 --> 0:07:21.840 And that fucking weirdo does some incredible shit in his films, 0:07:22.560 --> 0:07:26.920 and so I think it's in the intentional and conscious 0:07:27.320 --> 0:07:32.520 choosing of to lean into the fear, to do the 0:07:32.520 --> 0:07:37.280 thing that scares us, to lean into the potential failure. 0:07:37.600 --> 0:07:39.640 You know, let's hope we don't failure, but maybe we 0:07:39.680 --> 0:07:43.080 can reframe the failure as a lesson or growth. We're 0:07:43.120 --> 0:07:46.320 scared of the unknown. We're scared of being alone. We're 0:07:46.360 --> 0:07:50.000 scared of what are we scared. We're scared of rejection. 0:07:51.200 --> 0:07:53.200 We don't want to be rejected. We want to belong. 0:07:53.280 --> 0:07:57.320 We want someone or something, an organization, a group, a religion, 0:07:57.480 --> 0:08:00.920 a person, a dog, a pet, a cat, you know, 0:08:01.160 --> 0:08:03.880 a partner. We want someone to love us and want 0:08:04.000 --> 0:08:07.239 us and need us. We want to belong. We don't 0:08:07.280 --> 0:08:10.160 want to be a fucking island in a sea of humanity. 0:08:10.560 --> 0:08:13.280 We're terrified of that. And sometimes we're like, oh, fuck, 0:08:13.360 --> 0:08:16.040 I wouldn't mind being an island. Two people drive me nuts. 0:08:16.520 --> 0:08:21.520 That's cool until that actually happens, and we're social creatures. 0:08:22.120 --> 0:08:25.000 Where social creatures, we need love, we need connections. So 0:08:25.040 --> 0:08:29.520 the inherent fear that many of us have are being 0:08:29.600 --> 0:08:34.640 rejected and being alone and being unseen and being unwanted 0:08:34.920 --> 0:08:38.800 or being you know, not desirable on some level to 0:08:39.000 --> 0:08:44.760 someone These are normal and completely understandable fears, fear of embarrassment, 0:08:44.880 --> 0:08:50.200 fear of pain, fear of an uncertain future, fear of 0:08:50.840 --> 0:08:56.000 people figuring out who we are, who we really are, 0:08:56.120 --> 0:09:00.280 and hopefully you know, most of us are okay, we're 0:09:00.280 --> 0:09:03.800 not terrible humans. Where we're not perfect humans. We're flawed humans. 0:09:03.800 --> 0:09:07.920 We're trying. But I think some of us think way 0:09:08.000 --> 0:09:12.360 worse of ourselves than anyone else ever would or probably could, 0:09:13.559 --> 0:09:17.520 because we're so scared of them discovering what goes on 0:09:17.600 --> 0:09:21.360 inside our head. We're so scared of them seeing behind 0:09:21.400 --> 0:09:25.920 the curtain or behind the mask. And we are who 0:09:25.960 --> 0:09:28.000 we are, and that doesn't mean we can't change or 0:09:28.000 --> 0:09:32.760 be better. But this is an ongoing thing. It's trying 0:09:32.800 --> 0:09:37.960 to navigate life through the myriad of you know, corporate 0:09:38.000 --> 0:09:43.040 things and personal things and interpersonal things and health things 0:09:43.120 --> 0:09:49.880 and academic things and social settings and opportunities and problems 0:09:50.000 --> 0:09:53.800 and fuck ups and all of this normal stuff. In 0:09:53.840 --> 0:09:56.480 the middle of that, we're constantly dealing with things that 0:09:56.600 --> 0:10:02.680 scare us or can scare us. And so not to 0:10:02.760 --> 0:10:06.480 be trapped in fear or controlled by fear or driven 0:10:06.600 --> 0:10:09.240 by fear, but to go fear is going to be 0:10:10.040 --> 0:10:12.559 a constant in my life and the volume will go 0:10:12.679 --> 0:10:15.760 up or down. It could be a one out of ten, 0:10:15.920 --> 0:10:18.040 this scares me, it could be an eleven out of ten. 0:10:18.040 --> 0:10:22.239 I'm fucking terrified of this thing. I feel totally paradised, paralyzed. 0:10:22.880 --> 0:10:27.439 I can't breathe, you know, for me over the years, 0:10:28.800 --> 0:10:34.080 even now, like even right now, I'm going to be 0:10:34.360 --> 0:10:36.559 one hundred percent honest, even right now, and I try 0:10:36.600 --> 0:10:39.600 to be one hundred percent honest if I but like 0:10:39.679 --> 0:10:43.400 in this moment, part of me, a very low level 0:10:43.440 --> 0:10:45.680 part of my awareness has gone. Is this bullshit? Is 0:10:45.720 --> 0:10:47.760 this okay? Will they like this? Will they hate this? 0:10:48.040 --> 0:10:50.200 Should I have done? Should I have picked another topic? 0:10:50.320 --> 0:10:53.080 Is this relevant? Am I explaining this in a way 0:10:53.120 --> 0:10:56.640 that makes sense to people? Will this build connection? Have 0:10:56.720 --> 0:11:01.760 people turned off already? Am I explaining thing in a 0:11:01.800 --> 0:11:05.440 way that is understandable? Or I just fucking babbling on? 0:11:05.520 --> 0:11:08.880 So in almost anything that we do for me, there's 0:11:08.920 --> 0:11:14.040 always a potential problem or hiccup or something that I'm 0:11:14.120 --> 0:11:18.000 aware of that there might be low level fear wrapped around. 0:11:18.040 --> 0:11:21.200 While right now I don't feel overwhelmed by fear, but 0:11:21.240 --> 0:11:24.440 there's a very low level fear with everything that I do, 0:11:24.880 --> 0:11:27.240 whether or not it's corporate speaking or putting a post 0:11:27.320 --> 0:11:30.559 up on Instagram, or whether or not it's helping someone 0:11:30.679 --> 0:11:33.040 or serving somebody, that I might be giving someone the 0:11:33.080 --> 0:11:35.640 wrong fucking advice, or I might be speaking a language 0:11:35.640 --> 0:11:38.560 that people don't connect with, or I might be heading 0:11:38.600 --> 0:11:40.760 down a path that just is in the path that 0:11:40.960 --> 0:11:46.600 my leaders, listeners or followers want to go on, right 0:11:46.800 --> 0:11:49.880 and that on that journey. And so this is all 0:11:50.000 --> 0:11:55.680 just normal stuff. But I think be mindful that you know, 0:11:55.800 --> 0:11:59.440 fear can save your life, fear can destroy your life. 0:12:00.280 --> 0:12:05.600 You know, if I really pay attention to that wisdom, 0:12:06.040 --> 0:12:12.440 that kind of that's interlinked with that kind of rational fear, 0:12:13.080 --> 0:12:17.720 the rational fear that, hey, Craig, this is you putting 0:12:17.760 --> 0:12:21.760 all your eggs in this, for example, this corporate venture 0:12:21.880 --> 0:12:26.360 or this commercial opportunity. You know, you're sixty one, you've 0:12:26.360 --> 0:12:30.920 got a few dollars, you've been moderately successful, maybe taking 0:12:31.040 --> 0:12:34.000 ninety percent of what you've gotten throwing it into that 0:12:34.120 --> 0:12:38.360 thing that you're not really passionate about anyway, Maybe that's 0:12:38.360 --> 0:12:41.520 not a great idea. Maybe that fear, maybe that apprehension, 0:12:41.559 --> 0:12:46.600 maybe that anxiety, maybe that little kind of emotional alarm 0:12:46.679 --> 0:12:50.120 bell that's fucking banging in my head is there for 0:12:50.200 --> 0:12:54.160 a very good reason, and it's that very sound and 0:12:54.320 --> 0:12:56.720 rational fear that's going to keep me out of trouble 0:12:56.720 --> 0:13:00.480 moving forward. So there is good fear, there is rational 0:13:00.559 --> 0:13:04.280 there is empowering fear, and there is disempowering and destructive fear, 0:13:04.920 --> 0:13:10.439 you know. So for me, I've been scared of, like 0:13:11.040 --> 0:13:17.800 many of you are, uncertainty in the future, rejection, growing up, 0:13:17.840 --> 0:13:21.400 being you know, rejected, and all that crap which everybody 0:13:21.480 --> 0:13:24.680 does to an extent of being found out, that imposter 0:13:24.800 --> 0:13:27.440 thing that I've spoken about many times, of people figuring 0:13:27.480 --> 0:13:30.640 out he's really not as smart as he likes to 0:13:30.679 --> 0:13:33.200 think he is, and bibbity bobby boo, here he is 0:13:33.240 --> 0:13:37.040 that of I'm not only of failure but also of success. 0:13:38.520 --> 0:13:40.880 Like that's such a weird one. People think, why on 0:13:40.920 --> 0:13:44.840 earth would anyone be scared of success? And I think 0:13:45.000 --> 0:13:52.120 for some people, with success comes. And I think it 0:13:52.200 --> 0:13:55.240 varies from person to person, because I think pressure is 0:13:55.280 --> 0:13:58.760 a self created thing. On many levels. It's stimulated, stimulated 0:13:59.600 --> 0:14:02.200 by what happening or triggered paths by what's happening in 0:14:02.200 --> 0:14:05.720 the external world, but it's an internal world production like 0:14:05.960 --> 0:14:10.000 I my story, my fear, my self doubt, my overthinking, 0:14:10.000 --> 0:14:14.680 my obsession, my rumination is turning up the volume on 0:14:14.880 --> 0:14:18.959 my fear. But for many people, they succeed and then 0:14:18.960 --> 0:14:22.640 they're scared of not being able to maintain that success, 0:14:23.320 --> 0:14:25.000 and all of a sudden, people have put them on 0:14:25.040 --> 0:14:27.480 a pedestal and people think they're amazing, and people think 0:14:27.520 --> 0:14:30.400 they're great, and now they're exactly where they aimed to be. 0:14:30.920 --> 0:14:33.120 They've reached the goal. They're making lots of dough, or 0:14:33.120 --> 0:14:36.440 they're making some dough there. And it doesn't necessarily need 0:14:36.480 --> 0:14:40.160 to be something grandiose that everybody sees. It might be 0:14:40.400 --> 0:14:43.400 within a building company, or it might be a photography 0:14:43.440 --> 0:14:45.520 business that you have, or whatever it is. But then 0:14:46.200 --> 0:14:48.040 then we can get to the point where we think, 0:14:48.280 --> 0:14:50.320 what if it all goes away? What if I lose 0:14:50.360 --> 0:14:52.920 the money, What if I lose the momentum? What if 0:14:52.920 --> 0:14:55.720 I do a shit job? What if people discover that 0:14:55.760 --> 0:14:58.800 I was kind of lucky, not brilliant, and they figure 0:14:58.800 --> 0:15:00.880 out because I do the next thing, and the next 0:15:00.920 --> 0:15:03.000 thing is not as good as the last thing, And 0:15:03.040 --> 0:15:07.240 that's all anybody sees. So it's not unreasonable that that 0:15:07.320 --> 0:15:13.200 people have both this fear of failure but also simultaneously, 0:15:14.360 --> 0:15:21.360 if not simultaneously, eventually of success. So I guess the 0:15:21.400 --> 0:15:26.560 outcome of fear depends like, what is the end result 0:15:26.680 --> 0:15:31.080 of your fear? What is the end result of my fear? Okay, 0:15:31.080 --> 0:15:32.760 so we're all scared, we all get scared of shit. 0:15:32.800 --> 0:15:34.760 We do dumb shit, we do smart shit. Some fear 0:15:34.760 --> 0:15:38.520 is good, some fear is bad. Sum's life destroying, some's 0:15:38.600 --> 0:15:41.720 life saving. But I guess that one of the important 0:15:41.800 --> 0:15:46.640 questions is, so what's the byproduct, what's the outcome? What's 0:15:46.680 --> 0:15:52.360 the net result of your fear? And I guess that 0:15:52.480 --> 0:15:56.440 depends on what you do with that fear. If what 0:15:56.480 --> 0:15:59.160 you do with that fear is sit on it and 0:15:59.200 --> 0:16:02.640 you let it build an emotional and psychological and behavioral 0:16:02.720 --> 0:16:05.320 prison for you that you stay in. You're now in 0:16:05.360 --> 0:16:09.360 your own self created fear prison because you're too scared 0:16:10.240 --> 0:16:13.480 to try anything, or do anything, or say anything. And 0:16:13.520 --> 0:16:15.520 I'm not saying, by the way, that any of this 0:16:15.640 --> 0:16:18.360 is easy. This is not criticism. This is just how 0:16:18.360 --> 0:16:22.680 we work. I know many people, including myself, at times, 0:16:22.720 --> 0:16:28.440 which have overthought and underdone things. A thing many things 0:16:28.440 --> 0:16:33.160 for a very long time. But when the outcome of fear, 0:16:33.520 --> 0:16:36.160 if I'm scared of something, but I realize or I 0:16:36.200 --> 0:16:39.080 believe that that might be that course that I'm scared of, 0:16:39.160 --> 0:16:42.360 that action that I'm scared to take, that decision that 0:16:42.440 --> 0:16:45.720 I'm scared to make, that conversation that I'm scared to have, 0:16:46.440 --> 0:16:49.280 if I truly believe through all of that fear, I 0:16:49.360 --> 0:16:52.720 actually need to do that thing to break through. I 0:16:52.840 --> 0:16:55.520 actually need to do that thing to get where I 0:16:55.560 --> 0:16:57.560 want to go. I can't get where I want to 0:16:57.600 --> 0:17:02.520 go without dealing with this fear without negotiating this emotional 0:17:02.560 --> 0:17:06.359 and this psychological anchor that I drag around with me 0:17:06.480 --> 0:17:10.280 every day. I need to lean into it, and I 0:17:10.320 --> 0:17:13.240 will be scared, and I will be scared, and that 0:17:13.440 --> 0:17:20.720 is okay. And guess what often, very very often. I 0:17:20.720 --> 0:17:23.120 think Paul Taylor mentioned a quote on this show once 0:17:23.160 --> 0:17:26.959 and it was something like he was referring to some 0:17:27.080 --> 0:17:30.120 legit research and it was something like, outed for every 0:17:30.320 --> 0:17:34.479 hundred things that people worry about in the future, so 0:17:34.560 --> 0:17:38.480 things that they fear happening in the future, ninety two 0:17:38.600 --> 0:17:40.520 I think it was ninety one or ninety two of 0:17:40.560 --> 0:17:43.640 the one hundred never happened like ever, Right, So they 0:17:43.720 --> 0:17:48.320 invested all of that energy in all of this shit, 0:17:48.440 --> 0:17:52.119 like the majority of things that never happened, and of 0:17:52.160 --> 0:17:55.919 the eight percent that do happen, I think it was 0:17:55.960 --> 0:17:59.480 something like the majority of that really was little more 0:17:59.520 --> 0:18:02.760 than speed hump. It wasn't the catastrophe or the major 0:18:02.840 --> 0:18:06.919 problem that they thought it would be. And then the 0:18:06.960 --> 0:18:09.840 one or two percent that was actually quite a problem 0:18:10.240 --> 0:18:13.439 they got through anyway. They got through anyway, and it 0:18:13.560 --> 0:18:19.040 wasn't it wasn't a total devastation. And so, you know, 0:18:19.160 --> 0:18:24.960 we stuff happens, you know, this external word sits worlds, situation, circumstance, environment, 0:18:25.000 --> 0:18:30.600 other people, you know, Korea, academia, relationships, all that stuff, 0:18:30.640 --> 0:18:32.879 you know, and then the internal world, we're processing it, 0:18:32.920 --> 0:18:35.720 we're thinking about it, we're ruminating on it. We're trying 0:18:35.720 --> 0:18:37.439 to figure out whether or not it's good for us 0:18:37.520 --> 0:18:39.679 or bad for us us, whether or not we like it, 0:18:39.720 --> 0:18:41.359 whether or not we want to do it or don't 0:18:41.359 --> 0:18:42.800 want to do it. And in the middle of that 0:18:42.920 --> 0:18:46.719 is emotion and beliefs and values and fear and anxiety 0:18:46.760 --> 0:18:50.960 and self doubt and trying to rationalize things. And then 0:18:50.960 --> 0:18:53.240 we end up in this state that might be empowered 0:18:53.280 --> 0:18:56.840 or disempowered. And sometimes you know, we need to move 0:18:56.880 --> 0:19:00.560 forward in faith and belief, maybe the faith and in 0:19:00.600 --> 0:19:07.600 yourself or someone else or something else. But drowning in 0:19:07.760 --> 0:19:10.800 our fear is definitely not a way to move forward. 0:19:10.880 --> 0:19:15.080 I think the Stoics said something like, we suffer more 0:19:15.080 --> 0:19:19.679 in our imagination than in reality. We suffer more in 0:19:19.760 --> 0:19:24.840 imagination than in reality. And it's so true. It's so true. 0:19:24.840 --> 0:19:26.879 And that's not to say that there are not real 0:19:26.960 --> 0:19:31.520 problems and real catastrophes and real damage. Of course, we 0:19:31.600 --> 0:19:35.240 know that we're not pretending that life's a Disney movie. 0:19:35.280 --> 0:19:38.160 We're not pretending that we're not pretending that shit isn't hard. 0:19:38.600 --> 0:19:41.159 We're not pretending that people don't get cancer, and that 0:19:41.920 --> 0:19:45.120 wars don't happen and bad shit doesn't happen to good people. 0:19:45.119 --> 0:19:48.160 We're not pretending that we realize that, we know that, 0:19:48.240 --> 0:19:52.040 we acknowledge that. We're talking about day to day, you 0:19:52.080 --> 0:19:55.119 and me living, doing our thing, wherever we are, whatever 0:19:55.119 --> 0:19:58.119 we do, whatever relationship we're in or not in or 0:19:58.160 --> 0:20:01.600 want to be in, or you know, our colleagues, our workmates, 0:20:01.600 --> 0:20:05.040 our family, our friends, all the things that we need 0:20:05.119 --> 0:20:07.520 to do to live our best life. In the middle 0:20:07.520 --> 0:20:09.840 of that, there's always going to be challenged, there's always 0:20:09.880 --> 0:20:12.439 going to be peaks and troughs, there's always going to 0:20:12.440 --> 0:20:15.640 be fear, And so I think it's important for us 0:20:15.680 --> 0:20:23.720 to see fear as information rather than the enemy. So 0:20:23.920 --> 0:20:27.919 this is, oh, this is interesting. What is this about? 0:20:28.240 --> 0:20:30.520 What is this fear about? Where does this come from? 0:20:31.040 --> 0:20:33.199 Or what is this apprehension? What is Why am I 0:20:33.240 --> 0:20:35.840 avoiding this thing? Why am I not doing this thing? 0:20:36.400 --> 0:20:40.640 Why when I know that I should stop doing that 0:20:40.720 --> 0:20:43.520 thing that's bad for me, do I keep doing it? 0:20:45.240 --> 0:20:47.919 Or why do I not do the thing that I 0:20:48.000 --> 0:20:51.760 know I should do? What's the fear around? That's what's 0:20:51.840 --> 0:20:56.840 keeping me trapped in a behavioral groundhog day that's more 0:20:56.920 --> 0:21:02.480 destructive than productive. Why am I doing that? So fear 0:21:02.520 --> 0:21:05.040 is not the enemy. Fear as part of life. And 0:21:05.119 --> 0:21:08.159 like Stephen Covey said in his book, seek first to Understand, 0:21:08.200 --> 0:21:10.199 he wasn't talking about this, but I think that's not 0:21:10.240 --> 0:21:13.320 a bad sentence to insert seek first to understand. And 0:21:13.359 --> 0:21:15.760 this is one of the ever present challenges. I believe 0:21:15.840 --> 0:21:20.600 with all things personal growth, all things psychology, all things 0:21:20.720 --> 0:21:25.760 human behavior is for us to understand the thing that 0:21:25.800 --> 0:21:28.160 we're trying to manage, the thing that we're trying to navigate, 0:21:28.240 --> 0:21:31.080 be that a person, be that a situation, be that 0:21:31.160 --> 0:21:35.120 a destructive habit. I think the starting point is insight 0:21:35.240 --> 0:21:39.400 and awareness and information. How can I navigate the thing 0:21:39.480 --> 0:21:42.840 I don't understand? What is my fear? Why am I fearful? 0:21:42.880 --> 0:21:46.200 Where did this come from? If I can understand it 0:21:47.400 --> 0:21:50.520 logically and rationally, I can do something about it. I 0:21:50.560 --> 0:21:54.720 can build my courage muscles. Just like you take your 0:21:54.760 --> 0:21:57.240 body to the gym or the running track or wherever 0:21:57.280 --> 0:22:02.359 you exercise or work out can take, you can take 0:22:02.400 --> 0:22:05.199 your brain and your emotion and your mind to that 0:22:05.359 --> 0:22:09.000 training ground of life where you just you just keep 0:22:09.040 --> 0:22:12.439 showing up, you swipe your card, you walk in, and 0:22:12.640 --> 0:22:15.120 you just go and put yourself in a situation where 0:22:15.160 --> 0:22:17.400 you've got to build, You've got to grow, you've got 0:22:17.400 --> 0:22:20.480 to learn, you've got to evolve. Because you're lifting those weights, 0:22:21.000 --> 0:22:24.920 you're working against that resistance of fear. You're working against 0:22:25.000 --> 0:22:28.639 that apprehension and that self doubt and all those fear 0:22:28.680 --> 0:22:33.360 related states and emotions. I want you to also think about, 0:22:33.359 --> 0:22:42.359 maybe think about how you contribute to your fear, like, 0:22:43.720 --> 0:22:50.119 is this fear logical or irrational? Again, no judgment in 0:22:50.160 --> 0:22:53.240 that call. We're just trying to open the awareness door. 0:22:54.160 --> 0:22:57.320 Like I know, there have been things with me over 0:22:57.320 --> 0:23:00.560 the years that have scared me or derailed me somewhat 0:23:00.600 --> 0:23:06.800 that were illogical fears. There's no logical reason to be 0:23:06.920 --> 0:23:13.560 scared of that thing, but nonetheless I was. And you know, 0:23:13.640 --> 0:23:19.680 I guess one of my friends is terrified to fly. 0:23:21.080 --> 0:23:25.560 And there's no judgment. It's a guy, and he travels 0:23:25.640 --> 0:23:29.879 for business and whenever he can, he'll any time he 0:23:29.920 --> 0:23:32.240 can take any option other than a plane if he 0:23:32.240 --> 0:23:34.520 can drive there, even if he's got stuff in Sydney, 0:23:34.560 --> 0:23:36.919 he will often drive to Sydney rather than catch a 0:23:36.920 --> 0:23:40.359 one out flight or whatever it is. And I've spoken 0:23:40.359 --> 0:23:42.720 to him many times in loving caring way. I go, dude, 0:23:42.760 --> 0:23:44.399 you know that you're more likely to die in your 0:23:44.400 --> 0:23:47.119 car than in a plane. And he knows all the data, 0:23:47.160 --> 0:23:50.760 he knows all the statistics, he knows the probability, and 0:23:50.800 --> 0:23:54.879 he also knows that statistically his fear is irrational, but 0:23:55.040 --> 0:24:00.399 nonetheless it's there. And so you know, I've over the 0:24:00.480 --> 0:24:03.560 years been working with him on that a bit. You know, 0:24:03.600 --> 0:24:05.720 It's not something that's been a big project, but just 0:24:05.760 --> 0:24:09.119 something we go back and forth on, and in my 0:24:09.320 --> 0:24:14.639 very bro science kind of evaluation, I would say his 0:24:14.800 --> 0:24:17.000 fear has gone from pretty much a ten out of 0:24:17.000 --> 0:24:20.159 ten where he couldn't almost just couldn't do it, and 0:24:20.200 --> 0:24:23.600 now his fear is about a three. He flies pretty regularly. 0:24:23.600 --> 0:24:27.720 He doesn't love it, he doesn't enjoy it, but it's 0:24:27.800 --> 0:24:31.600 not paralyzing anymore. But I mean, getting on a plane 0:24:31.640 --> 0:24:33.640 is still getting on a plane. You know, there's still 0:24:33.680 --> 0:24:36.000 some risk. That's not like there's no risk, but there's 0:24:36.080 --> 0:24:40.440 much lower risk statistically anyway. But nonetheless, So how did 0:24:40.480 --> 0:24:42.600 he start to turn down the volume? How did he 0:24:42.640 --> 0:24:45.399 start to mitigate that fear? How did he start to 0:24:45.520 --> 0:24:48.680 manage that fear rather than being managed by the fear? 0:24:48.720 --> 0:24:53.560 While he just started scared, He just started scared. He 0:24:53.720 --> 0:24:57.200