1 00:00:01,600 --> 00:00:06,760 Speaker 1: The city and with Kate Podcast, we get so excited 2 00:00:06,760 --> 00:00:10,200 Speaker 1: and we get this man in here obviously being parents ourselves. 3 00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:13,440 Speaker 1: But make sure you're following Guiding Growing Minds and you 4 00:00:13,440 --> 00:00:15,159 Speaker 1: know it's another good one as well that I've been 5 00:00:15,200 --> 00:00:18,200 Speaker 1: following pop culture parenting on Instagram and you can catch 6 00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:19,160 Speaker 1: doctor Billy. 7 00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:23,959 Speaker 2: Good to see it always always great to be with 8 00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:24,799 Speaker 2: your Well. 9 00:00:24,880 --> 00:00:26,520 Speaker 3: The minute we mentioned your name on the show, the 10 00:00:26,520 --> 00:00:29,520 Speaker 3: phones don't stop bringing. Every parent has a question, big 11 00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:32,600 Speaker 3: or small. I feel very privileged to be able to 12 00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:34,519 Speaker 3: sit in the studio and line up a question and 13 00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:37,040 Speaker 3: ask you directly. And I want to kick it off 14 00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:37,959 Speaker 3: with this one if we can. 15 00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:39,800 Speaker 4: Today we're getting right into you. 16 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:42,160 Speaker 5: Yeah. I would have talked about conflict resolution. 17 00:00:42,560 --> 00:00:45,320 Speaker 3: Okay, you know why because we have a bit of 18 00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:46,720 Speaker 3: a listening issue in my house. 19 00:00:47,040 --> 00:00:48,840 Speaker 5: So long story short. 20 00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:49,800 Speaker 4: You've had your ears cut off. 21 00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:53,960 Speaker 5: Jack comes into the kitchen ask me a question. I 22 00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:55,920 Speaker 5: tell him the answer, He walks off and. 23 00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:58,600 Speaker 3: Says I'm not listening to him. I then ask him 24 00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:01,480 Speaker 3: to go upstairs five times. James, and he while he's 25 00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:05,000 Speaker 3: playing handball. I asked him five times and he deliberately 26 00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:07,000 Speaker 3: ignores me because he wants to make a point that 27 00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:09,800 Speaker 3: I wasn't listening to him before, so he's not going 28 00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:12,880 Speaker 3: to listen. In the ten years of me being a parent, 29 00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:16,839 Speaker 3: I've never screamed as loud as I did the other day. 30 00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:20,080 Speaker 3: And I did it because I wanted to make an 31 00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:22,840 Speaker 3: impact and I wanted to prove that I was the 32 00:01:22,959 --> 00:01:26,840 Speaker 3: parent and this is my role now. After that, the 33 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,560 Speaker 3: knock on from that was tears, and the knock on 34 00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:31,600 Speaker 3: from that was him telling Mum that I'd. 35 00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:34,520 Speaker 5: Broken his heart the way Dad spoke to me. 36 00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:36,679 Speaker 3: And I was like, oh, mate, that hurts to hear that. 37 00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:39,400 Speaker 3: But I think naturally, as a parent, there's a stage 38 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:39,800 Speaker 3: where you. 39 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:43,840 Speaker 5: Yell at your kids. But I really yelled, he mean, 40 00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:47,560 Speaker 5: like raged raged. I raged at him, and I think 41 00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:49,840 Speaker 5: he was taken back by it. But I wanted to 42 00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:50,640 Speaker 5: make a point. 43 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:54,160 Speaker 1: Do you do you completely cut out raising your voice altogether, 44 00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:56,480 Speaker 1: Billy in as a parent? Do you think it can 45 00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:57,320 Speaker 1: be beneficial? 46 00:01:57,480 --> 00:01:58,680 Speaker 2: Thank God, the answer to that's no. 47 00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:03,080 Speaker 4: So yeah, I'm glad you asked this question because we 48 00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:06,040 Speaker 4: have an listening issue at home as well, because I 49 00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:08,679 Speaker 4: can say someone's name a thousand times, and because. 50 00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:10,240 Speaker 5: Lisa said you shouldn't have yelled like that. 51 00:02:10,639 --> 00:02:12,640 Speaker 2: No, Well, you have to be yourself and you have 52 00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:15,480 Speaker 2: to express your emotions because if kids grow up seeing 53 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:20,400 Speaker 2: us never getting frustrated, upset, angry, jealous, sad, scared, and 54 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:22,520 Speaker 2: they feel like it's not okay for them to feel 55 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:24,600 Speaker 2: like that, And the most important thing you do in 56 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:28,000 Speaker 2: that situation is repair. The beautiful thing about it is 57 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,560 Speaker 2: you're showing the safety of the relationship because he's happy 58 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:32,480 Speaker 2: to kind of give it back to you. And what 59 00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:35,040 Speaker 2: we know moving away from the evidence of like an 60 00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:38,080 Speaker 2: authoritarian the stuff we grew up with just because I 61 00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:41,160 Speaker 2: said so, is that you actually try and help connect 62 00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:44,040 Speaker 2: with kids and then build their skills and so conflict resolution. 63 00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:46,200 Speaker 2: The goal of there is like saying, this is what 64 00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:49,480 Speaker 2: happened objectively, this is how it made me feel. This 65 00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:52,119 Speaker 2: is the need in me that I struggle with. So, Mate, 66 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:55,280 Speaker 2: I asked you to do something, you didn't listen to me. 67 00:02:55,639 --> 00:02:58,000 Speaker 2: I felt like you were ignoring me. It made me 68 00:02:58,120 --> 00:03:00,360 Speaker 2: upset and frustrated. And I have a need to connected 69 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:02,120 Speaker 2: you because I think we're a beautiful partnership and we 70 00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:04,720 Speaker 2: want to succeed together in this house and enjoy each 71 00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:06,080 Speaker 2: other because of how much I love you and how 72 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:08,960 Speaker 2: amazing you are. How about we try this and it's 73 00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:12,000 Speaker 2: a request not a demand, where we try and connect 74 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,000 Speaker 2: a bit better and then give him something that he 75 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:16,480 Speaker 2: can achieve pretty quickly and go mate. That was amazing. 76 00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:18,640 Speaker 2: It meant the need in me to feel connected to 77 00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:20,760 Speaker 2: you and we're in a partnership, and I just want 78 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:22,799 Speaker 2: to say how proud I am of us doing this together. 79 00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:25,400 Speaker 2: And that's you always go towards what you're trying to achieve, 80 00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:26,880 Speaker 2: not stopping something happening. 81 00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:29,000 Speaker 3: Right, So you go from there, you go from the scream. 82 00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:29,239 Speaker 5: To the bond. 83 00:03:29,919 --> 00:03:32,160 Speaker 2: Yeah, but the scream is the scream is all of us, 84 00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:34,200 Speaker 2: Like all of us have different versions of that. None 85 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:36,400 Speaker 2: of us are doing it perfectly. And actually, you know, 86 00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:38,960 Speaker 2: repair is what it's all about. Because I don't know 87 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:41,800 Speaker 2: about you, but like it's really important our kids here 88 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:44,000 Speaker 2: is say sorry, And a lot of us grew up 89 00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:45,600 Speaker 2: not hearing that because it was like, oh, I know, 90 00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:47,440 Speaker 2: I've got to show that I'm the boss, I'm in charge, 91 00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:50,320 Speaker 2: I've got control, I'm the pair and I shouldn't apologize. 92 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:53,280 Speaker 2: But it's a bit like respect forgiveness, all those things. 93 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:55,360 Speaker 2: Kids learn how to do it themselves by having it 94 00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:58,400 Speaker 2: come to them first, and thinking about I learned how 95 00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:00,720 Speaker 2: to say sorry because of how good was when Mum 96 00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:02,360 Speaker 2: and or Dad said it to me when they made 97 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:03,240 Speaker 2: a mistake. 98 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,600 Speaker 4: And it wasn't about winning or losing. 99 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:08,080 Speaker 5: Yeah, And which is. 100 00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:10,240 Speaker 2: Such a good point, Kate, because what you're talking about 101 00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:12,960 Speaker 2: there is what we call negative coersion cycles, where it's 102 00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:15,720 Speaker 2: like I'm at the checkout and they're screaming for a 103 00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:18,760 Speaker 2: lollipop and I'm just coming down hard on them, and 104 00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:20,640 Speaker 2: I'm saying, you're not getting the iPad if you bring 105 00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:24,480 Speaker 2: it up again, or you go all right, I'm feeling embarrassed, 106 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:26,880 Speaker 2: you're screaming in front of everyone. I'll just give you 107 00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:29,159 Speaker 2: the lollipop. The problem is, if you do the iPad move, 108 00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:31,160 Speaker 2: you're more likely to do it again and just punish them, 109 00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:34,440 Speaker 2: which never works, gives no skill development, fractures a relationship, 110 00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:36,880 Speaker 2: or you just give in and they go, man, that worked, 111 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:40,280 Speaker 2: I just get the lollipop. So you hold the boundary. 112 00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:43,120 Speaker 2: So the beautiful thing that people seem to struggle with 113 00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:45,440 Speaker 2: is you can hold a boundary and still meet the 114 00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:46,600 Speaker 2: emotional needs of a kid. 115 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,359 Speaker 5: What do you mean to hold the boundary? Do they 116 00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:49,040 Speaker 5: get the lollipop? 117 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:53,760 Speaker 4: No, no, no, you're making it like a balance a rule. 118 00:04:53,839 --> 00:04:56,080 Speaker 2: The answer is no, We've spoken about this. I'm really 119 00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:58,359 Speaker 2: sorry you're upset about it. I can see how frustrated 120 00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:02,160 Speaker 2: it is. That must be really difficult, But mate, we're nice, 121 00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:04,599 Speaker 2: not happening, and boundaries help us feel safe, Like I 122 00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:06,240 Speaker 2: feel safe in this room because I know you guys. 123 00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:07,599 Speaker 2: I know it's going to be safe and how to 124 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:10,239 Speaker 2: be fun. You know, it's caring and all that stuff. 125 00:05:10,279 --> 00:05:12,880 Speaker 2: Whereas if this was frantic, the rules change, sometimes you 126 00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:15,159 Speaker 2: had to go at me, sometimes you ignored me. I'd 127 00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:17,840 Speaker 2: feel insecure in the relationship. And the most important one 128 00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:20,240 Speaker 2: kids have with us is with our caregivers and educators, 129 00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:23,920 Speaker 2: and boundaries actually help us feel safe. I know what's 130 00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:26,279 Speaker 2: going to happen. I know Mum's got it well. 131 00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:29,120 Speaker 4: I think it's one of the Being able to set 132 00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:32,240 Speaker 4: boundaries is one of the most important things, even moving 133 00:05:32,279 --> 00:05:35,880 Speaker 4: forward into your adult life. I mean I think that 134 00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:42,040 Speaker 4: I think you know I've had personally, can find it 135 00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:46,200 Speaker 4: hard to set boundaries and stick with them and feel 136 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:50,320 Speaker 4: as though I deserve to have those boundaries respected, you know, 137 00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:53,160 Speaker 4: And so I would love to look at my daughter 138 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:55,880 Speaker 4: and think that she'll be better at it than well, 139 00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:56,159 Speaker 4: you know. 140 00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:59,080 Speaker 2: The hardest thing is, like I've had this, you know, 141 00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:01,960 Speaker 2: with like without getting too heavy at nine o'clock on 142 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:04,800 Speaker 2: a Friday morning, like you know, childhood trauma and like 143 00:06:04,839 --> 00:06:08,920 Speaker 2: abusive relationships and holding those boundaries is actually easy. And 144 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:11,200 Speaker 2: now I have kids where I used to feel guilt 145 00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:14,800 Speaker 2: and responsibility and all those things, but now I'm like, no, 146 00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:18,120 Speaker 2: I'm actually role modeling to three little kids. How I 147 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:21,000 Speaker 2: look after myself and hold boundaries and make sure that 148 00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:23,640 Speaker 2: there's you know, people can't treat me however they want. 149 00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:26,320 Speaker 2: They can't harm me and hurt me and all those things, 150 00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:29,560 Speaker 2: and my kids are watching me hopefully going Yeah, Dad 151 00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:32,359 Speaker 2: was actually good at making sure that he kept himself 152 00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:35,320 Speaker 2: safe and had expectations around relationships and all that stuff. 153 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:37,640 Speaker 4: Yeah, and that can start with a lollipop at the supermarket, 154 00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:40,000 Speaker 4: do you know what I mean? I know, And that's 155 00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:42,560 Speaker 4: then what implements it further down the track. 156 00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:44,880 Speaker 2: Yeah, emotional regulation. I think we always want to know 157 00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:47,520 Speaker 2: what to do when the kid's really flipping out, either 158 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:50,080 Speaker 2: in the school yard or at home, But it's actually 159 00:06:50,279 --> 00:06:54,160 Speaker 2: low level difficulties in safe relationships and safe environments where 160 00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:56,560 Speaker 2: you just get down on their level and connect with 161 00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:59,159 Speaker 2: them and say, hey, mate, I'm so sorry this is 162 00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:02,560 Speaker 2: happening here and it's not so you can have it. 163 00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:03,920 Speaker 2: It's like I'm still here for you though. 164 00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:11,480 Speaker 5: This is great of the phones light up Carl's in Panania. Hi, Carli, Hi, 165 00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:14,440 Speaker 5: how are you going good? We have doctor Billy Garvey here. 166 00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:16,200 Speaker 5: Your question for doctor Billy. 167 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:20,640 Speaker 6: My second child seems to be a little bit more 168 00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:25,760 Speaker 6: difficult than the other two. Is middle side child syndrome 169 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:26,560 Speaker 6: an actual thing? 170 00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:31,880 Speaker 2: As a middle child, I'd say yes. As an actual 171 00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:34,720 Speaker 2: professional in this space, it's more to do with temperaments. 172 00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:37,640 Speaker 2: So kids have different temperaments. The easiest way to break 173 00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:40,400 Speaker 2: it is in an easy going temperament and a sensitive temperament. 174 00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:43,120 Speaker 2: About twenty to thirty percent of kids have a sensitive temperament. 175 00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:45,000 Speaker 2: I have a sensitive temperament. I was born with it. 176 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:47,800 Speaker 2: I'll always have it. We run an Unsettled Babies clinic 177 00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:49,920 Speaker 2: every week and you can tell from about ten to 178 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:53,000 Speaker 2: eleven months if a child will have an unsettled temperament. 179 00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:55,880 Speaker 2: Not my four year old daughter. He's a fiery redhead. 180 00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:59,920 Speaker 2: She has a sensitive temperament. She's the eldest, but her 181 00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:03,200 Speaker 2: temperament means that you know, experiences and relationships in her 182 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:06,360 Speaker 2: environments have a bigger impact on her emotionally than her 183 00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:07,840 Speaker 2: siblings and other kids. 184 00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:11,880 Speaker 1: Being the middle child, do you build resilience or can 185 00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:14,680 Speaker 1: that be detrimental sometimes because you're get knocked down by 186 00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:15,600 Speaker 1: your older siblings. 187 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:19,200 Speaker 2: Well, it's a really beautiful question. Resilience is made up 188 00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:22,680 Speaker 2: of about one hundred different things, and resilience is actually 189 00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:25,080 Speaker 2: your ability to have a healthy process of dealing with 190 00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:30,080 Speaker 2: adversity and it's trauma or difficulties. Even lighter level stuff 191 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:33,160 Speaker 2: doesn't give us resilience. It actually tests whether we have 192 00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:35,680 Speaker 2: it or not. And an example is you don't learn 193 00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:37,840 Speaker 2: how to swim by someone throwing the deep end and 194 00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:40,679 Speaker 2: then you figure it out. You actually learn because someone 195 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:43,439 Speaker 2: goes This is conflict resolution at your level. This is 196 00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:45,920 Speaker 2: how to express emotions, This is how to help seek, 197 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:48,199 Speaker 2: this is how to build your strong self esteem and 198 00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:50,880 Speaker 2: all that stuff. And then, just like in the swimming pool, 199 00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:52,640 Speaker 2: you've learned in a way that you then have the 200 00:08:52,679 --> 00:08:55,040 Speaker 2: capacity to swim in water that's deeper than you can 201 00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:58,199 Speaker 2: touch the bottom. So that's how you actually build resilience. 202 00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:01,280 Speaker 2: But sibling relationships can be really protective, but they can 203 00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:04,080 Speaker 2: also be harmful. You're not guaranteed. It's a bit like 204 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:06,840 Speaker 2: the single child stuff. Single children are not doomed to 205 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:10,280 Speaker 2: struggle socially because they didn't have other kids growing up 206 00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:12,360 Speaker 2: with them. It's just about how do you give those 207 00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:14,040 Speaker 2: skill development opportunities to kids. 208 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:14,679 Speaker 6: But a lot of. 209 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:20,160 Speaker 2: Trauma can happen in their homes, which you know, household dysfunction, abuse, neglect, 210 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:23,680 Speaker 2: adverse childhood experiences exist in seventy two percent of Australians 211 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:25,920 Speaker 2: have one of those. Twenty percent of us have three 212 00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:30,240 Speaker 2: or more, and sometimes sibling relationships can be really impacted 213 00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:33,240 Speaker 2: by that if there's not parenting. That kind of has 214 00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:35,800 Speaker 2: really good balance of warmth and also control. 215 00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:38,440 Speaker 5: What a great question. Thanks Carly Right. 216 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:41,880 Speaker 1: This is the Fitzi and Whipper with Cape Ridgie podcast. 217 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:46,000 Speaker 5: Leilani, Hello, Hi, how. 218 00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:47,040 Speaker 6: Are you going with the Billy? 219 00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,200 Speaker 2: I've got great? Thanks? How are you? 220 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:49,920 Speaker 4: I'm good? 221 00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:53,320 Speaker 6: Thank you. You just touched on resilience just before, and 222 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,720 Speaker 6: I know that we hear a lot online about raising 223 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:58,400 Speaker 6: resilient kids. I just wanted you to maybe go in 224 00:09:58,559 --> 00:10:01,439 Speaker 6: a depth a little bit more about how the theory 225 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:03,800 Speaker 6: and when it comes to raising resilient kids today. 226 00:10:04,679 --> 00:10:07,679 Speaker 2: Yeah, great, great questions. So, yeah, I think that what 227 00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:09,839 Speaker 2: we try and do in clinic, and I'm trying to 228 00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:11,920 Speaker 2: share more broadly through things like the book and the 229 00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:13,880 Speaker 2: podcast and the other work we do, is that we 230 00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:15,960 Speaker 2: want to watch the individual kid and go where are 231 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:18,840 Speaker 2: they struggling, And that we're always trying to think about 232 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:21,720 Speaker 2: is this an accommodation thing, like this kid needs glasses 233 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:24,640 Speaker 2: or you know, this kid is actually has a learning 234 00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:26,719 Speaker 2: difficulty like dyslex here, And we don't tell people who 235 00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:29,400 Speaker 2: need glasses just try harder to look and see things. 236 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:31,320 Speaker 2: We just go, cool, we need to accommodate you, who's 237 00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:34,319 Speaker 2: same as ADHD and kids sitting in classrooms, we need 238 00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:37,360 Speaker 2: to actually accommodate them. And then we give skill development 239 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:39,160 Speaker 2: where we can, and we say we actually want to 240 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:42,439 Speaker 2: build your capacity to emotionally regulate. And so, you know, 241 00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:45,199 Speaker 2: as a sensitive kid growing up, one of the things 242 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:47,720 Speaker 2: that I struggled with from resilience is that I had 243 00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:50,640 Speaker 2: big feelings about little stuff that other people would go 244 00:10:50,679 --> 00:10:53,200 Speaker 2: that's not a big deal, you know, struggling at sport, 245 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,480 Speaker 2: feeling like I was socially excluded all those things, and 246 00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:58,160 Speaker 2: what I needed with someone to actually teach me emotional 247 00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:00,920 Speaker 2: regulation skills. Now, for being a hundred percent honest, I 248 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:03,640 Speaker 2: didn't learn that until my mid thirties. But I didn't 249 00:11:03,679 --> 00:11:05,400 Speaker 2: need to wait till then. It's just no one knew 250 00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:07,880 Speaker 2: how to actually give it to me. And so now 251 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:09,920 Speaker 2: I have a skill set and building the capacity of 252 00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:12,640 Speaker 2: those kids. But there'll be other kids where they really 253 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:16,560 Speaker 2: struggle with empathy. You know, they are very egocentric and 254 00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:19,080 Speaker 2: they think the world is theirs. Often that's kids who 255 00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:22,679 Speaker 2: have insecure attachment and combination of sense in temperament. So 256 00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:24,840 Speaker 2: if we can think about those kids and going, how 257 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:27,120 Speaker 2: do I actually build your empathy? And empathy is a 258 00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:30,199 Speaker 2: process that kids go developmentally, you don't, you know, you're 259 00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:32,480 Speaker 2: not innately born with us. Some kids will pick it 260 00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:35,200 Speaker 2: up easier and some kids won't. Some kids will insecure 261 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,480 Speaker 2: self esteem, really struggle with things like that. So then 262 00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:39,360 Speaker 2: once again we go cool, that's the thing that we're 263 00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:41,000 Speaker 2: going to build. We're going to give you empathy. And 264 00:11:41,559 --> 00:11:43,880 Speaker 2: it's a very long winded answer, but we start building 265 00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:46,160 Speaker 2: empathy in kids from a really young age. And what 266 00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:49,560 Speaker 2: we do is explore in safe when they're calm relationships 267 00:11:49,559 --> 00:11:52,640 Speaker 2: and environments. I wonder how that person's feeling. Look in 268 00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:55,400 Speaker 2: this book, what do you reckon he's going through? I 269 00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:57,600 Speaker 2: he's happy because he's playing with the dog. Why do 270 00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:00,320 Speaker 2: you think that girl's upset? What could we do to help? 271 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:04,000 Speaker 2: And early forms of empathy come in into preschool years 272 00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:06,480 Speaker 2: where kids will often go, I want to give that 273 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,280 Speaker 2: kid something, but I'll give them what I want would 274 00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:11,760 Speaker 2: want in that situation. That's the classic little boy that 275 00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:14,120 Speaker 2: just hugs the other kid really firmly. You know, the 276 00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:16,040 Speaker 2: kid's like, I don't want a big hug, But the 277 00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:18,240 Speaker 2: kid can't conceptualize because I don't have a theory of 278 00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:20,880 Speaker 2: mind that that person's having a different experience to me. 279 00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:22,800 Speaker 2: And that comes about four to five years of age 280 00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:25,240 Speaker 2: that you go, whippers having a different experience to me. 281 00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:28,079 Speaker 2: I'm actually cool being in this environment, but he might 282 00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:29,600 Speaker 2: not be. And how can I tell? Look at his 283 00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:32,520 Speaker 2: body language he's struggling. What could I do to help him? 284 00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:36,160 Speaker 2: And the sensitivity and responsiveness is watching you and going, hey, mate, 285 00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:39,320 Speaker 2: are you okay? And if you start guarding up and 286 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:42,199 Speaker 2: wanting me away, then I adapt, whereas if you go, actually, 287 00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:44,280 Speaker 2: I'm not, hey, how about we go for a cruise 288 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:46,200 Speaker 2: and go sit down somewhere where no one else is around, 289 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:47,640 Speaker 2: and I just sit in hold space with you. 290 00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:48,480 Speaker 5: That's great. 291 00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:49,760 Speaker 4: Can you have too much empathy? 292 00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:53,800 Speaker 2: No, you can. Sometimes kids who are insecure in their 293 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:57,160 Speaker 2: self esteem will just put everyone else first, and that's 294 00:12:57,200 --> 00:13:00,360 Speaker 2: where it can tip over where they've had so much 295 00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:03,880 Speaker 2: reinforcement of being compassionate thinking about everyone else that they 296 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:06,640 Speaker 2: haven't learned how to hold a boundary for themselves. And 297 00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:11,360 Speaker 2: often those people are transactional in their relationships. You're only 298 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:12,960 Speaker 2: friends with me because of what I do for you. 299 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:15,520 Speaker 2: So I want to keep informing you that I'm a 300 00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:16,960 Speaker 2: good person. I'm going to help you and I'm always 301 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:18,000 Speaker 2: going to do what you need, and I'm not going 302 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:18,839 Speaker 2: to ask anything of you. 303 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:19,800 Speaker 5: Boundaries again. 304 00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:24,560 Speaker 1: Boundaries again, Stacy and Rouse Hill. You've got doctor Billy Garvey. 305 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:25,000 Speaker 5: Stace. 306 00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:29,160 Speaker 2: I was just wanting to ask, why is there's so 307 00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:34,000 Speaker 2: much crime involving young people? Great question, great question. I'm 308 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:37,079 Speaker 2: happy to go anywhere, so I'll happily jump into. 309 00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:39,840 Speaker 1: These in Melbourne at the moment. Isn't it quite a 310 00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:42,960 Speaker 1: bit there? And it's like we're talking teenage kids getting 311 00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:44,080 Speaker 1: mixed up in gangs? 312 00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:46,000 Speaker 2: Billy, Yeah, so I meet a lot of those kids 313 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:48,200 Speaker 2: in clinic. Every week we have a behavior clinic and 314 00:13:48,280 --> 00:13:50,520 Speaker 2: I get to meet these kids. It's the greatest privilege 315 00:13:50,559 --> 00:13:52,280 Speaker 2: of my profession that I get to meet these kids 316 00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:55,160 Speaker 2: that everyone else has gone has given up on, understandably 317 00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:57,920 Speaker 2: because of a lot of challenges, and I reckon. Last 318 00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:00,400 Speaker 2: week I probably shook two teenagers hands. I've known n 319 00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:02,439 Speaker 2: for three or four years that they're going off now 320 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:05,400 Speaker 2: to university or tay for finishing school. One kid I 321 00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:07,560 Speaker 2: actually said to him, I was like, made, how cool 322 00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:09,520 Speaker 2: is this? You know you were getting expelled four years 323 00:14:09,559 --> 00:14:11,000 Speaker 2: ago and I met you and the school was never 324 00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:12,720 Speaker 2: going to have your back. You should be really proud 325 00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:15,439 Speaker 2: of yourself that you finished. And he laughed and said, yeah, 326 00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:19,240 Speaker 2: well I did get suspended last week in the end 327 00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:21,320 Speaker 2: of year twelve. But he's going on and doing a trade. 328 00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:24,680 Speaker 2: It's a beautiful kid. He's gone and become he's gone 329 00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:26,760 Speaker 2: and done forklift truck driving because that's what I was 330 00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:29,600 Speaker 2: doing when I was his age, And like, so all these. 331 00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:34,200 Speaker 1: Billy is it, Like, I mean, you know what, I've 332 00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:36,600 Speaker 1: had mates that have joined biki gangs, But do you 333 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:37,400 Speaker 1: know why they did it? 334 00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:39,000 Speaker 5: Because they felt they felt. 335 00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:40,960 Speaker 1: Belonging, like they felt like there was a there was 336 00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:43,480 Speaker 1: a group of brothers that were looking after them, and 337 00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:45,600 Speaker 1: it was the and they'd never had that in their life. 338 00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:48,680 Speaker 2: So amplify that God, push push that message out, and 339 00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:50,880 Speaker 2: push down all this idea of we need to punish 340 00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:54,200 Speaker 2: them more, because all of the evidence shows that kids 341 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:57,880 Speaker 2: that go into those detention centers or get incarcerated come 342 00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:00,880 Speaker 2: out worse and they're more likely to then commit acts 343 00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:05,040 Speaker 2: of antisocial behavior and crime. All those kids where you're 344 00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:07,880 Speaker 2: so right when we meet them, there's been hundreds of 345 00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:10,240 Speaker 2: flares over years and years that they were struggling. And 346 00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:13,000 Speaker 2: our largest last data that we had from last year. 347 00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:15,240 Speaker 2: Every three years we collect how kids are going socially, 348 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:18,720 Speaker 2: emotionally and developmentally in school entry and the twenty twenty 349 00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:21,080 Speaker 2: four data is the worst we've seen. There's more kids 350 00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:24,240 Speaker 2: entering school with developmental risk. And the problem is if 351 00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:26,960 Speaker 2: you don't know how to socialize, you've got a language difficulty, 352 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:29,920 Speaker 2: you have a learning difficulty, you struggle with empathy and 353 00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:33,440 Speaker 2: all those things. What happens, and you're perfectly right about this, 354 00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:35,560 Speaker 2: is you don't have a sense of belonging in school. 355 00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:38,080 Speaker 2: You feel failure when you're there, and a sense of 356 00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:40,920 Speaker 2: belonging in school is one of the most protective factors 357 00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:43,960 Speaker 2: against adversity. As well as two nonparntal adults take a 358 00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:47,520 Speaker 2: genuine interest in me participating in community traditions, a home 359 00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:50,000 Speaker 2: where I feel safe, someone I can talk to about 360 00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:52,760 Speaker 2: my feelings, friends that genuinely care about me. That's the 361 00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:54,800 Speaker 2: stuff that actually matters. And all those kids I meet 362 00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:57,560 Speaker 2: in clinic almost always have an absence of most of 363 00:15:57,560 --> 00:16:00,920 Speaker 2: those things. And schools that expel kids are worse for 364 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,400 Speaker 2: the schools behind. That is a symptom of a school 365 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:07,000 Speaker 2: that is not resourced appropriately. And what we need to 366 00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:09,200 Speaker 2: do is when those kids kick off, we need to 367 00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:11,320 Speaker 2: look back and go look at the schools that weren't 368 00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:14,240 Speaker 2: getting enough support. Look at how poor their access was 369 00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:17,560 Speaker 2: to specialists like me. Look at how poorly supported the 370 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:21,040 Speaker 2: parents were. You know, young single parents need better support. 371 00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:23,280 Speaker 2: This needs to start before kids are born, where we 372 00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:27,320 Speaker 2: come in and put the actual evidence in about child development, 373 00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:29,880 Speaker 2: mental health, and then you will make these communities safer 374 00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:31,920 Speaker 2: and healthier and genuinely more inclusive. 375 00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:33,080 Speaker 5: God, it's a big topic. 376 00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:39,400 Speaker 1: H your Robin Williams in Goodwill isn't it. 377 00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:44,600 Speaker 2: No, I think I'm Matt Damon. I'm trying to tell 378 00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:49,720 Speaker 2: myself it's not my fault. Everything is about trying to 379 00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:51,720 Speaker 2: prove that I'm a good person and push back against 380 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:53,840 Speaker 2: the idea that I'm not that I heard a lot about. 381 00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:56,320 Speaker 2: So that's I just claimed to be a genius, didn't 382 00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:57,640 Speaker 2: I Matt Damon's like a genius. 383 00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:01,720 Speaker 5: Add that to the buyer. 384 00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:07,240 Speaker 1: But Bill, I do love how there's some really troubled 385 00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:10,000 Speaker 1: kids out there, and I love your outlooking life that 386 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:12,240 Speaker 1: this is a This is a great challenge for me. 387 00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:14,640 Speaker 1: I really want to help this kid. There's not many 388 00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:16,720 Speaker 1: people out there that are like that. 389 00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:19,560 Speaker 2: I'm doing it selfishly, like I'm looking for myself in clinic. 390 00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:21,399 Speaker 2: I got kicked out of high school. You know, I 391 00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:23,879 Speaker 2: was told that I had no future, and it was 392 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,679 Speaker 2: just because a couple of people believed in me that 393 00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,119 Speaker 2: I had a different trajectory. And now I get the 394 00:17:28,119 --> 00:17:30,320 Speaker 2: privilege of getting paid to try and change that journey 395 00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:32,959 Speaker 2: for other kids. So it's a selfish pursuit. But if 396 00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:34,800 Speaker 2: it's helping people, then that's beautiful to well. 397 00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:39,439 Speaker 4: Not If it's helping people, it absolutely is. I I 398 00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:42,800 Speaker 4: was just thinking ahead of Christmas. I know it's madness 399 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:46,920 Speaker 4: that it's only just around the corner, and sometimes Christmas 400 00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:51,560 Speaker 4: can be hard for families and kids, and because I 401 00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:56,040 Speaker 4: don't think necessarily it looks the way we're told it's 402 00:17:56,119 --> 00:18:01,280 Speaker 4: meant to look, and you have, you know, dysfunction and 403 00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:04,560 Speaker 4: families and people not seeing who they should be seeing, 404 00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:08,000 Speaker 4: or being kept from who they're seeing, or someone's not 405 00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:10,560 Speaker 4: getting gifts this year, or some people can't even put 406 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:13,960 Speaker 4: meals on the table. I don't even know what my 407 00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:18,879 Speaker 4: question is, but I think going into this time of year, 408 00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:23,840 Speaker 4: when there's a lot of pressure on parents generally and 409 00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:27,480 Speaker 4: families to make it right and make it perfect and 410 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:31,920 Speaker 4: all of that stuff, do you have any advice kind 411 00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:37,080 Speaker 4: of for them about what your kids really want or 412 00:18:37,119 --> 00:18:39,399 Speaker 4: hope for or need, like if you could give your 413 00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:41,320 Speaker 4: kid one thing for Christmas kind of thing. 414 00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:43,800 Speaker 2: It's totally it's a beautiful it's a beautiful question. So 415 00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:45,520 Speaker 2: I'm totally know what you're saying, and it's just show 416 00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:49,639 Speaker 2: how amazing you are. You're thinking outwardly about that, And 417 00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:51,840 Speaker 2: I think if more of us can think outwardly about 418 00:18:52,119 --> 00:18:54,040 Speaker 2: how difficult this time of year can be for lots 419 00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:56,879 Speaker 2: of people. Then that's amazing. It's also an opportunity to 420 00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:59,879 Speaker 2: build compassion and empathy in our kids. And I was 421 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:03,120 Speaker 2: with about my four year old the other night and 422 00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:06,640 Speaker 2: talking about Christmas and thinking about, like, what would other 423 00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:10,040 Speaker 2: people like? What in our family, like Charlie and Hardy 424 00:19:10,119 --> 00:19:12,080 Speaker 2: can't write a letter, I'm Melfie the dog can't write 425 00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:13,480 Speaker 2: a letter? What do we think they would like? Sand 426 00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:14,680 Speaker 2: And do you know the other thing that I did, 427 00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:17,760 Speaker 2: I was like, I made sure she realized that her 428 00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:20,120 Speaker 2: getting presents from Santa is not conditional on whether she's 429 00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,760 Speaker 2: good or not. So the idea of like, you need 430 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:26,040 Speaker 2: to be good to get stuff, well, that's what we 431 00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:28,719 Speaker 2: grew up with. Unconditional positive regard and love is the 432 00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:31,520 Speaker 2: most important thing that our kids feel. And the idea 433 00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:34,639 Speaker 2: of if you're good, you'll get what you want. Withdrawal 434 00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:36,560 Speaker 2: of love when kids don't do what we want them 435 00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:38,680 Speaker 2: to do, is one of the worst things that we do. 436 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:41,879 Speaker 2: So saying that no matter what, if you're actually butting 437 00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:43,720 Speaker 2: heads with me and driving me crazy, I'm going to 438 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:46,280 Speaker 2: go towards you. I'm going to express that it's annoying 439 00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:47,879 Speaker 2: me and frustrating me, but I'm going to try and 440 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:49,320 Speaker 2: meet your needs as well as mine. 441 00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:51,359 Speaker 3: So when I pretended to call the North Pole the 442 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:53,800 Speaker 3: other day, is that the wrong thing to do. 443 00:19:58,440 --> 00:20:02,920 Speaker 5: I wasn't ready to be Sandra other in Jack's being 444 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:06,440 Speaker 5: a trouble make or cancel the presence, So don't do that. 445 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:09,080 Speaker 2: Well, No, it's interesting because on the podcast, people who 446 00:20:09,119 --> 00:20:11,159 Speaker 2: listen right and remember this story where Nick can I 447 00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:13,840 Speaker 2: do it? With this beautiful human trying You couldn't get 448 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,639 Speaker 2: any boundaries around the TV, so he pretended it was 449 00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:18,320 Speaker 2: broken and got one of his mates to come over 450 00:20:18,359 --> 00:20:24,119 Speaker 2: as a repairman and say it's unfixable. Nothing I can 451 00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:25,919 Speaker 2: walk down the door. And he's like, mate, I'm not 452 00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:26,800 Speaker 2: doing that against it. 453 00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:28,440 Speaker 5: That's amazing. 454 00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:32,040 Speaker 3: It's a great question though Christmas time, because you know 455 00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:35,159 Speaker 3: there are there are expectations, there are family pictures that 456 00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:37,160 Speaker 3: everybody has in their mind that looks like a Coca 457 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:40,560 Speaker 3: Cola commercial. It's often happy faces, or we're pretending to 458 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:41,760 Speaker 3: be happy at different times. 459 00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:45,240 Speaker 4: Well, and it's about trying to Okay, I know we're 460 00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:46,720 Speaker 4: probably running out of time here. 461 00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:47,040 Speaker 5: But. 462 00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:50,840 Speaker 4: There's a lot of Yeah, there's just a lot of 463 00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:55,919 Speaker 4: pressure on and I'm sure everyone's not only everything's a 464 00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:59,080 Speaker 4: bit tight. What do I need to be buying? Mom 465 00:20:59,119 --> 00:21:02,240 Speaker 4: doesn't want me toring this person to lunch. 466 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:04,320 Speaker 5: I don't know what I mean? 467 00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:05,840 Speaker 4: Like, how on earth? 468 00:21:06,119 --> 00:21:06,879 Speaker 5: How good's Christmas? 469 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:07,119 Speaker 2: You know? 470 00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:07,600 Speaker 5: How good? 471 00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:10,919 Speaker 4: You know? And it tends to be the time of 472 00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:14,280 Speaker 4: year where all of these emotions that we haven't been 473 00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:20,640 Speaker 4: either regulating effectively or dealing with and moving through throughout 474 00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:23,199 Speaker 4: the year. Let's just wait for that one day that 475 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:27,360 Speaker 4: we want to make perfect and do it A doozy definitely. 476 00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:30,639 Speaker 2: But I like my mum passed away when she was 477 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:33,840 Speaker 2: in early fifties, and I look back at all things 478 00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:36,200 Speaker 2: like Christmas and that and how busy she was, just 479 00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:38,520 Speaker 2: trying to please everyone, and I just wish that I 480 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:41,199 Speaker 2: had more time in those days with her, and so 481 00:21:41,359 --> 00:21:43,840 Speaker 2: not about the food, not about the presence, just actually 482 00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:46,520 Speaker 2: sitting and being with her and having fun with her. 483 00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:49,080 Speaker 2: And that's what probably all of our kids are going 484 00:21:49,119 --> 00:21:51,520 Speaker 2: to look back and say, Actually, it wasn't the presence, 485 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:53,600 Speaker 2: it wasn't how big a deal it was. It was 486 00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:56,639 Speaker 2: just actually having fun together and being about that. And 487 00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:58,359 Speaker 2: fun and play is one of the best ways we 488 00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,760 Speaker 2: can actually connect and build bonds with our kids. And 489 00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:02,960 Speaker 2: I think if we can try and make that our goal, 490 00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:06,560 Speaker 2: not comparing your presence to the other kids. You know 491 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:09,239 Speaker 2: how big a day it was, how amazing we all 492 00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:11,840 Speaker 2: set up and spread was, But actually it was just 493 00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:14,480 Speaker 2: a moment where we had some protected space and time 494 00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:17,120 Speaker 2: to just have fun together. That's one of the best 495 00:22:17,119 --> 00:22:18,720 Speaker 2: things you can do for your kids' mental health and 496 00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:20,280 Speaker 2: the relationship that you have with them now. 497 00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:22,440 Speaker 4: And I think it lets mums off the hook to well, 498 00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:25,080 Speaker 4: not only mums but dads. It's like to make this 499 00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:28,160 Speaker 4: less about you, proving that you've got the best lunch 500 00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:30,560 Speaker 4: on the table and just sit on the couch. 501 00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:34,760 Speaker 1: Yeah, totally, Billy. We know how busy you are. Thank 502 00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:36,200 Speaker 1: you so much. If we don't get. 503 00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:45,719 Speaker 4: Because I'm a mum, and I also know I have 504 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:49,960 Speaker 4: the inability to stop and sit because there's always something 505 00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:50,480 Speaker 4: to do. 506 00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:55,960 Speaker 2: Because I see it in clinic and all these but 507 00:22:56,119 --> 00:22:58,520 Speaker 2: mums say it's dad's job to have fun with him. 508 00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:03,600 Speaker 5: You might Dad do this, Dad do that. No, it's Billy. 509 00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:05,920 Speaker 1: If we don't see you before Christmas, have a lovely 510 00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:08,040 Speaker 1: Christmas man. Thank you very much for coming in. 511 00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:10,080 Speaker 2: You two everyone, You're amazing. Thanks for helping me out. 512 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:14,520 Speaker 3: Sits in Whipper with Kate Ritchie is a Nova podcast 513 00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:15,920 Speaker 3: to walk great shows like this. 514 00:23:16,240 --> 00:23:19,640 Speaker 5: Download the Nova Player by the app store or Google Play. 515 00:23:19,840 --> 00:23:19,919 Speaker 2: The