1 00:00:05,921 --> 00:00:07,281 Speaker 1: Apologie production. 2 00:00:10,561 --> 00:00:14,321 Speaker 2: I need your advice. Are you okay? What happened? Promise 3 00:00:14,361 --> 00:00:16,601 Speaker 2: it won't be too much. Bring it in. 4 00:00:17,921 --> 00:00:25,521 Speaker 3: Welcome to our bestie segment. Girl, my girl, this is 5 00:00:25,561 --> 00:00:26,281 Speaker 3: the place for you. 6 00:00:27,161 --> 00:00:29,681 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to a bestie Advice and of 7 00:00:29,681 --> 00:00:31,161 Speaker 1: my favorite times of the week where we get to 8 00:00:31,201 --> 00:00:33,521 Speaker 1: answer one of your anonymous submissions with you in a 9 00:00:33,521 --> 00:00:36,121 Speaker 1: sticky situation or maybe you need some best advice. It 10 00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:38,321 Speaker 1: is raw, it is unfiltered, and we're gonna get s 11 00:00:38,361 --> 00:00:39,400 Speaker 1: right into it absolutely. 12 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:42,880 Speaker 3: A close friend of mine has now twice spoken to 13 00:00:42,881 --> 00:00:44,240 Speaker 3: me in a way that made me feel like I 14 00:00:44,321 --> 00:00:46,241 Speaker 3: was the bad person when I wasn't trying to be. 15 00:00:46,561 --> 00:00:49,800 Speaker 3: The most recent time, I was actually being kind and reassuring, 16 00:00:49,921 --> 00:00:52,441 Speaker 3: and I told her something along the lines of it's fine, 17 00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:54,521 Speaker 3: no stress, it's totally up to you. Let's just move 18 00:00:54,561 --> 00:00:56,361 Speaker 3: on from it. But she turned it back on me, 19 00:00:56,441 --> 00:00:58,841 Speaker 3: saying I would never speak to my customers like that. 20 00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:02,161 Speaker 3: That really hurt because I've apologized, I've tried to take accountability, 21 00:01:02,361 --> 00:01:05,601 Speaker 3: and I've always approached things with a kindness. Instead of 22 00:01:05,801 --> 00:01:07,920 Speaker 3: meeting me there, she twisted my words and made me 23 00:01:07,921 --> 00:01:10,360 Speaker 3: feel like I was rude and intimidating. This is the 24 00:01:10,360 --> 00:01:12,520 Speaker 3: second time this has happened, and I'm starting to think 25 00:01:12,601 --> 00:01:14,920 Speaker 3: she genuinely sees me that way, which feels so far 26 00:01:14,961 --> 00:01:17,321 Speaker 3: from who I really am. If that's the case, then 27 00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:18,881 Speaker 3: I don't know if I want somebody like that in 28 00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:21,401 Speaker 3: my life. My true friends know my heart and I 29 00:01:21,401 --> 00:01:23,560 Speaker 3: don't want to keep defending myself to somebody who doesn't. 30 00:01:23,681 --> 00:01:26,001 Speaker 3: Has anyone else been through something similar where a friendship 31 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:29,200 Speaker 3: makes you feel constantly misunderstood or misrepresented, how did you 32 00:01:29,241 --> 00:01:31,041 Speaker 3: handle it? I do want to forgive her, so if 33 00:01:31,041 --> 00:01:33,161 Speaker 3: she does apologize, I'm really torn if I should let 34 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:33,840 Speaker 3: her back in again. 35 00:01:34,441 --> 00:01:36,121 Speaker 2: Ooh, what do you think about this? 36 00:01:37,441 --> 00:01:39,200 Speaker 3: I hear you on that, and I think it can 37 00:01:39,241 --> 00:01:43,000 Speaker 3: be really challenging when you're confronted with these kind of things. However, 38 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:45,961 Speaker 3: there's something that you said in this that said, that's 39 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:49,800 Speaker 3: not what I'm like, And maybe it's coach Tiana coming out. 40 00:01:50,561 --> 00:01:53,441 Speaker 3: YEA coach Tiana is literally saying like, because you think 41 00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:55,520 Speaker 3: that you're not that, it's likely that there are ways 42 00:01:55,521 --> 00:01:57,161 Speaker 3: that you are showing up as that. And I say 43 00:01:57,161 --> 00:01:59,201 Speaker 3: that with so much love, like I'm saying this with 44 00:01:59,321 --> 00:02:04,001 Speaker 3: the most neutral perspective grounded coming from such a loving place. 45 00:02:04,321 --> 00:02:06,441 Speaker 3: Because I'm going to challenge you on this, it might 46 00:02:06,521 --> 00:02:09,761 Speaker 3: be true that there was an undertone of resentment or 47 00:02:09,801 --> 00:02:13,281 Speaker 3: anger or frustration if you were constantly always trying to 48 00:02:13,281 --> 00:02:15,521 Speaker 3: be the nice person when you don't actually feel like that. 49 00:02:15,721 --> 00:02:17,681 Speaker 3: This is probably not what you were expecting with this, 50 00:02:17,881 --> 00:02:20,840 Speaker 3: But I really think this is really important because this 51 00:02:21,001 --> 00:02:22,961 Speaker 3: is actually what's going to heal your relationships. 52 00:02:23,281 --> 00:02:24,081 Speaker 2: There's a level of. 53 00:02:24,001 --> 00:02:28,401 Speaker 3: Accountability here of Okay, asking that person, how did I 54 00:02:28,441 --> 00:02:30,601 Speaker 3: come across? Get curious about it? You can even ask 55 00:02:30,641 --> 00:02:32,121 Speaker 3: this person, Okay, how did it feel for you when 56 00:02:32,161 --> 00:02:34,561 Speaker 3: I received that or when you received me saying that 57 00:02:34,601 --> 00:02:36,561 Speaker 3: in that way? Can you tell me what you saw 58 00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:38,720 Speaker 3: when I showed up that way? This is going to 59 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:42,120 Speaker 3: teach you more about yourself, more about parts of yourself, 60 00:02:42,401 --> 00:02:45,121 Speaker 3: so that you can then step into control and go okay, cool, 61 00:02:45,161 --> 00:02:46,960 Speaker 3: Well next time I get to show up like this. 62 00:02:47,561 --> 00:02:49,041 Speaker 3: And something that I want to bring to you is 63 00:02:49,361 --> 00:02:51,321 Speaker 3: you may have responded in a really kind way in 64 00:02:51,361 --> 00:02:53,321 Speaker 3: that moment or thought. You may have, but if there's 65 00:02:53,321 --> 00:02:56,721 Speaker 3: an undercurrent of anger there, it seems out in really 66 00:02:56,921 --> 00:03:00,120 Speaker 3: unproductive ways, and it usually is either in our tone 67 00:03:00,321 --> 00:03:01,841 Speaker 3: the way that we say it, the way that we 68 00:03:01,921 --> 00:03:04,281 Speaker 3: project that word, or how quickly we have to get 69 00:03:04,281 --> 00:03:07,201 Speaker 3: those words out to say it. So just offering you 70 00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:09,240 Speaker 3: a different perspective. I'm not saying that any of this 71 00:03:09,321 --> 00:03:12,041 Speaker 3: is true. You will know if this is true. But 72 00:03:12,081 --> 00:03:15,041 Speaker 3: I think when people we love bring things to us 73 00:03:15,121 --> 00:03:17,481 Speaker 3: like this, it's always an opportunity for us to be 74 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:23,041 Speaker 3: a better friend, partner, lover, coworker, whatever, because when we 75 00:03:23,081 --> 00:03:25,800 Speaker 3: take on constructive feedback like that, we're showing them, hey, 76 00:03:25,881 --> 00:03:27,201 Speaker 3: I'm a really safe person for you. 77 00:03:27,841 --> 00:03:29,481 Speaker 2: I'm listening. Yeah, I'm listening. 78 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:31,441 Speaker 3: I hear you, and fuck, I'm so sorry for doing that. 79 00:03:31,561 --> 00:03:34,761 Speaker 3: And you've also said like you've taken accountability for it, 80 00:03:34,801 --> 00:03:37,440 Speaker 3: so you don't need to overly explain or overly compensate. 81 00:03:37,441 --> 00:03:39,001 Speaker 3: Now you've said sorry once, you don't have to do 82 00:03:39,041 --> 00:03:42,281 Speaker 3: it again. It's totally okay. And also if this doesn't 83 00:03:42,281 --> 00:03:43,801 Speaker 3: feel true for you too, that's also okay. You can 84 00:03:43,881 --> 00:03:44,401 Speaker 3: leave it too. 85 00:03:44,681 --> 00:03:47,321 Speaker 1: Yeah, beautiful, I've got nothing out of that. That's beautiful 86 00:03:47,321 --> 00:03:49,921 Speaker 1: for that was No, it's perfect. It's a really cool perspective. 87 00:03:49,921 --> 00:03:51,801 Speaker 1: But I think she would have expected. 88 00:03:51,361 --> 00:03:54,881 Speaker 3: You to say that, yes, And I feel like you 89 00:03:55,001 --> 00:03:57,801 Speaker 3: may be resistant to hearing it. Yes, so I just 90 00:03:57,841 --> 00:04:01,521 Speaker 3: want to let you know, Yeah, I see you. And also, 91 00:04:01,681 --> 00:04:03,401 Speaker 3: we are very quick to cut people out of our 92 00:04:03,401 --> 00:04:06,481 Speaker 3: life when they, you know, reflect back to us. But 93 00:04:06,761 --> 00:04:09,441 Speaker 3: accountability is everything when it comes to friendships. And if 94 00:04:09,481 --> 00:04:12,241 Speaker 3: you have a willingness to grow, maybe that person might 95 00:04:12,321 --> 00:04:14,521 Speaker 3: meet you there and I quld be totally off the mark, 96 00:04:14,601 --> 00:04:18,041 Speaker 3: and that person could just be dismissing you and misrepresenting 97 00:04:18,041 --> 00:04:20,921 Speaker 3: you and be committed to misunderstanding you. But this can 98 00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:23,761 Speaker 3: also be true too, and if you're willing to explore 99 00:04:23,761 --> 00:04:26,561 Speaker 3: this regardless, you will have better friendships. 100 00:04:26,721 --> 00:04:29,001 Speaker 1: Yeah, because even if it's not true, at least you've 101 00:04:29,001 --> 00:04:32,561 Speaker 1: explored that, gotten curious, taken accountability, made her feel safe, 102 00:04:32,721 --> 00:04:34,440 Speaker 1: and if she continues to show up like that, then 103 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:36,001 Speaker 1: you've got your evidence and you can walk away from 104 00:04:36,001 --> 00:04:37,561 Speaker 1: the friendship going well, I actually tried everything. 105 00:04:37,601 --> 00:04:38,721 Speaker 2: I took full accountability. 106 00:04:38,801 --> 00:04:40,640 Speaker 1: Yes, she wasn't prepared to meet me there, and she 107 00:04:40,721 --> 00:04:43,081 Speaker 1: continued to project this stuff onto me. You can walk 108 00:04:43,081 --> 00:04:45,041 Speaker 1: away knowing that it's not the friendship for you, Yes, 109 00:04:45,281 --> 00:04:47,880 Speaker 1: but really you're still like questioning it. Maybe that is 110 00:04:47,921 --> 00:04:50,281 Speaker 1: within you, that's like, oh, this has part me too, 111 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:51,721 Speaker 1: because it does take two to ten go a lot 112 00:04:51,801 --> 00:04:52,161 Speaker 1: of time. 113 00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:52,841 Speaker 2: Yes it does. 114 00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:54,241 Speaker 1: I don't want to think it does it, So no 115 00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:57,001 Speaker 1: blame like point the finger, blame someone else. 116 00:04:57,241 --> 00:04:59,281 Speaker 2: Think that we're all innocent, and I would never do that. 117 00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:01,320 Speaker 1: I would never say that, but like, we're all capable 118 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:02,361 Speaker 1: of everything, absolutely. 119 00:05:02,401 --> 00:05:04,361 Speaker 3: And you know the reason why I say this is 120 00:05:04,401 --> 00:05:07,001 Speaker 3: maybe because it comes from personal experience, like I have 121 00:05:07,201 --> 00:05:09,281 Speaker 3: been in your shoes, and I think maybe that's why 122 00:05:09,281 --> 00:05:11,161 Speaker 3: I can see it. I could be wrong again, I 123 00:05:11,161 --> 00:05:11,801 Speaker 3: could be assuming. 124 00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:12,440 Speaker 2: You let me know. 125 00:05:12,601 --> 00:05:15,281 Speaker 3: But I've been the person who thought I was so 126 00:05:15,561 --> 00:05:18,561 Speaker 3: nice and so kind and so caring, but I was 127 00:05:18,681 --> 00:05:21,481 Speaker 3: full of fucking rage. I was full of anger, and 128 00:05:21,561 --> 00:05:24,161 Speaker 3: I had so much resentment towards everybody, and I was 129 00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:26,921 Speaker 3: passive aggressive. I was passive aggressive in the way that 130 00:05:26,961 --> 00:05:29,441 Speaker 3: I showed up and how I spoke to people. And 131 00:05:29,801 --> 00:05:31,281 Speaker 3: you know, even though I thought it was nice, it 132 00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:33,281 Speaker 3: wasn't coming off that way because I wasn't looking at 133 00:05:33,281 --> 00:05:35,361 Speaker 3: my anger. I wasn't looking at what was underneath, and 134 00:05:35,561 --> 00:05:39,801 Speaker 3: I really suppressed my voice of what I really wanted 135 00:05:39,801 --> 00:05:40,200 Speaker 3: to say. 136 00:05:40,401 --> 00:05:42,760 Speaker 2: So what made you start to allow that anger to 137 00:05:42,761 --> 00:05:43,080 Speaker 2: come up? 138 00:05:43,121 --> 00:05:43,200 Speaker 3: Like? 139 00:05:43,241 --> 00:05:44,201 Speaker 2: How did you work through that? 140 00:05:44,401 --> 00:05:46,121 Speaker 1: And was there a moment you were like, oh, fuck, 141 00:05:46,161 --> 00:05:48,201 Speaker 1: I can totally see that I'm being a passive aggressive 142 00:05:48,241 --> 00:05:49,161 Speaker 1: Tatiana right now. 143 00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:51,561 Speaker 3: Oh. When I first started to acknowledge it, I felt 144 00:05:51,601 --> 00:05:53,561 Speaker 3: a lot of shame for it. Yeah, because I was like, oh, 145 00:05:53,601 --> 00:05:55,121 Speaker 3: oh my god, these people are gonna judge me and 146 00:05:55,201 --> 00:05:56,440 Speaker 3: leave me and never loved me every again. 147 00:05:56,481 --> 00:05:57,201 Speaker 2: O would they loved me from? 148 00:05:57,281 --> 00:05:57,481 Speaker 3: Yeah? 149 00:05:57,801 --> 00:05:58,921 Speaker 2: Why would they love me? Oh my god? 150 00:05:59,081 --> 00:06:01,721 Speaker 3: Literally the first thought was oh my god, abandonment. Yes, 151 00:06:01,841 --> 00:06:04,921 Speaker 3: But in saying that, it was uncomfortable to sit with, 152 00:06:05,281 --> 00:06:07,281 Speaker 3: and so I did what I just suggested, which is 153 00:06:07,361 --> 00:06:10,561 Speaker 3: go to that person. Hey, this is uncomfortable for me, 154 00:06:11,241 --> 00:06:13,201 Speaker 3: but can you tell me a little bit about how 155 00:06:13,241 --> 00:06:15,600 Speaker 3: that felt to receive what I said to you? Because 156 00:06:15,601 --> 00:06:17,321 Speaker 3: I don't see it that way? Can you tell me? 157 00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:18,201 Speaker 2: Can you show me? 158 00:06:18,281 --> 00:06:20,521 Speaker 1: So you just wanted with curiosity, wanting to learn, yes, 159 00:06:20,601 --> 00:06:22,960 Speaker 1: and then when they gave you feedback where you're like, choke. 160 00:06:23,041 --> 00:06:25,161 Speaker 3: Hold it, and then was willing in that moment, Okay, cool, 161 00:06:25,161 --> 00:06:26,881 Speaker 3: I'm going to take accountability for this because I want 162 00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:28,601 Speaker 3: to be a good friend. And then in terms of 163 00:06:28,641 --> 00:06:30,520 Speaker 3: the question you asked me of like how to process 164 00:06:30,561 --> 00:06:33,881 Speaker 3: the anger, I started to allow myself to feel my 165 00:06:33,921 --> 00:06:35,961 Speaker 3: anger in the moment, you know, like when I was 166 00:06:36,001 --> 00:06:39,201 Speaker 3: angry about something, I'm like, oh so annoying, or like, 167 00:06:39,241 --> 00:06:41,361 Speaker 3: oh my god, I really pissed off right now, and 168 00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:43,481 Speaker 3: just give myself permission to feel it in the moment. 169 00:06:43,721 --> 00:06:46,721 Speaker 3: But what really helped me was screaming. 170 00:06:46,281 --> 00:06:46,681 Speaker 2: In the car. 171 00:06:46,961 --> 00:06:50,440 Speaker 3: Yeah, honestly, this was such a game changer for me 172 00:06:50,521 --> 00:06:53,801 Speaker 3: because mostly I always had somebody at home, you know, 173 00:06:53,961 --> 00:06:55,921 Speaker 3: so when I was younger, I couldn't do that. But 174 00:06:56,001 --> 00:06:56,960 Speaker 3: when I was in the car, I was in this 175 00:06:57,001 --> 00:06:59,841 Speaker 3: safe little bubble, and I would just put loud music 176 00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:02,841 Speaker 3: on and I would scream until I had nothing left. 177 00:07:03,041 --> 00:07:04,721 Speaker 3: And all of these judgments are going to come up. 178 00:07:04,721 --> 00:07:06,440 Speaker 3: By the way, you're gonna be like, this is fucking stupid. 179 00:07:06,481 --> 00:07:07,321 Speaker 3: I don't have time for. 180 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:09,840 Speaker 2: This, sees me ridiculous. 181 00:07:10,121 --> 00:07:12,161 Speaker 3: Yeah, all of your self judgments are going to come up. 182 00:07:12,201 --> 00:07:13,761 Speaker 3: But after a little while you'll notice it. 183 00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:14,281 Speaker 2: You'll start to. 184 00:07:14,281 --> 00:07:18,401 Speaker 3: Feel a lot more calm, So that even hitting the pillow, 185 00:07:18,561 --> 00:07:21,441 Speaker 3: screaming into the pillow at home, allowing that pent up 186 00:07:21,481 --> 00:07:24,521 Speaker 3: anger to come out, and then just start expressing your 187 00:07:24,521 --> 00:07:26,881 Speaker 3: anger in the moment, and you'll stop feeling so scared 188 00:07:26,881 --> 00:07:27,121 Speaker 3: of it. 189 00:07:27,161 --> 00:07:32,481 Speaker 2: That's really cool life. We're done. Come back. That went 190 00:07:32,521 --> 00:07:33,161 Speaker 2: on a tangent. 191 00:07:33,241 --> 00:07:34,921 Speaker 3: No, I know that it's definitely not what you were 192 00:07:34,921 --> 00:07:36,201 Speaker 3: expecting to hear, but. 193 00:07:36,361 --> 00:07:38,361 Speaker 1: We'd love to hear from you. How did that feel 194 00:07:38,401 --> 00:07:40,561 Speaker 1: to receive that advice? Does that feel true for you? 195 00:07:40,721 --> 00:07:42,441 Speaker 1: Is it something you'd like Go and have a conversation. 196 00:07:42,521 --> 00:07:43,201 Speaker 2: We would love and. 197 00:07:43,281 --> 00:07:46,161 Speaker 1: Updates, so please bring in absolutely Thanks for joining us. 198 00:07:46,441 --> 00:07:46,801 Speaker 2: Bye,