WEBVTT - #2143 Why It's Important to Understand How Others Think - Harps 0:00:00.760 --> 0:00:04.280 Good, our champions. I hope this finds you well. So 0:00:05.840 --> 0:00:11.119 we talk a lot here on the project about understanding 0:00:11.160 --> 0:00:15.400 other people, Understanding how they see us, Understanding how they think, 0:00:15.640 --> 0:00:19.840 understanding how we think. The external world of physical three 0:00:19.880 --> 0:00:24.320 dimensional world what seems to be happening, and then the 0:00:24.480 --> 0:00:29.160 internal world of experience and subjective stories and understanding and 0:00:29.240 --> 0:00:33.839 awareness and connection or disconnection or pain or pleasure or 0:00:33.880 --> 0:00:37.440 excitement or terror or all of those things. And so 0:00:38.920 --> 0:00:42.640 I think it's the stepping off point for this conversation 0:00:42.920 --> 0:00:47.559 is maybe around the awareness that none of us are 0:00:47.560 --> 0:00:50.280 living in the same reality. We might be living in 0:00:50.320 --> 0:00:55.520 the same environment or a similar situation or what seemed 0:00:55.520 --> 0:01:00.440 to be similar experiences outwardly, but nonetheless all of us 0:01:00.560 --> 0:01:04.679 kind of straddle this two world concept. And the two 0:01:04.720 --> 0:01:08.679 world concept of which I speak grasshoppers, is the one 0:01:09.360 --> 0:01:11.400 that we can all see in touch and feel and 0:01:11.440 --> 0:01:16.240 poke and experience and observe and measure and all of 0:01:16.280 --> 0:01:21.080 those things, the world that we inhabit. And then there's 0:01:21.120 --> 0:01:24.679 the other world, where I think is really where we live. 0:01:25.080 --> 0:01:29.960 So one's about habitation, one's about subjective experiences and feelings 0:01:30.000 --> 0:01:35.080 and those lived emotions and ideas and fears and anxieties 0:01:35.120 --> 0:01:38.640 and triumphs and losses and all of those things. So 0:01:39.640 --> 0:01:43.000 when we're sitting with somebody, for example, in a border 0:01:43.080 --> 0:01:46.520 room or at a table in a cafe or whatever, 0:01:46.600 --> 0:01:48.760 we're sitting with somebody and we're in the middle of 0:01:49.640 --> 0:01:52.760 from the outside looking at a conversation or a negotiation 0:01:53.080 --> 0:01:56.840 or a conflict resolution or a problem solving session or 0:01:56.880 --> 0:02:01.080 some kind of leadership moment or whatever it is, there's 0:02:01.120 --> 0:02:05.600 the thing that appears to be going on. Right for 0:02:05.680 --> 0:02:07.800 the observer, you and me looking over at two people 0:02:07.800 --> 0:02:09.639 at a table, you go, what's going on or what's 0:02:09.680 --> 0:02:12.560 going on as a conversation, what's going on as two 0:02:12.600 --> 0:02:16.680 people interacting, And of course that is correct, But then 0:02:17.200 --> 0:02:20.359 trying to understand what's going on for the individuals at 0:02:20.400 --> 0:02:29.320 the table personally, in that inner space, in that feeling, emoting, understanding, storytelling, 0:02:30.480 --> 0:02:34.960 experiencing the external from the internal. In that place, we 0:02:35.000 --> 0:02:38.080 don't know what's going on. We don't know what's going on. 0:02:38.200 --> 0:02:43.280 And I think that not understanding the experience of others 0:02:43.760 --> 0:02:50.560 or what is real for somebody else on the inside 0:02:51.240 --> 0:02:54.880 is a big challenge for us who want to build 0:02:55.000 --> 0:03:02.000 connection and rapport and understanding and healthy relationships and be 0:03:02.360 --> 0:03:07.280 effective communicators and problem solvers and all the things that 0:03:07.320 --> 0:03:11.240 we talk about. So you're trying. You're trying to have 0:03:11.280 --> 0:03:14.320 a meaningful dialogue with your kid or your next or neighbor, 0:03:14.440 --> 0:03:18.200 or your parent, or your boss or your employee or 0:03:18.240 --> 0:03:21.360 your friend. You're trying to have a meaningful dialogue to 0:03:21.560 --> 0:03:28.080 resolve something, fix something, expand awareness whatever it is. Yet 0:03:28.120 --> 0:03:32.040 you have no idea how they think, or you have 0:03:32.200 --> 0:03:36.680 very little insight into how they think. So you understand 0:03:36.760 --> 0:03:40.000 your mind, you understand your version of reality. You understand 0:03:40.040 --> 0:03:42.400 what you think and feel and believe and know, but 0:03:42.480 --> 0:03:45.800 you don't understand any of that the other way around, 0:03:45.800 --> 0:03:50.120 that is through their window, through their kind of experience 0:03:50.120 --> 0:03:55.080 of life. So how do we build How do we 0:03:55.160 --> 0:04:01.400 build a relationship that's built on an understanding bigger than 0:04:01.440 --> 0:04:06.720 our own or an experience bigger than our own. So 0:04:07.480 --> 0:04:10.960 for me, I spend much of my life thinking about 0:04:11.000 --> 0:04:15.360 how you think you my listener, I think about I 0:04:15.360 --> 0:04:18.880 try to understand via the feedback that I get, whether 0:04:18.920 --> 0:04:22.360 it's verbal or written, positive or negative. I try to 0:04:22.400 --> 0:04:25.400 get an insight into what is the Craig experience like 0:04:25.480 --> 0:04:28.640 for the people that intersect with me, whether that's on 0:04:28.680 --> 0:04:31.240 a podcast or in a corporate presentation, or at a 0:04:31.320 --> 0:04:35.160 university or on the street, or in a one on 0:04:35.160 --> 0:04:38.480 one consultation, or in a social setting where we're all 0:04:38.520 --> 0:04:41.400 friends and hanging out. The reason that I want to 0:04:41.520 --> 0:04:46.920 understand the experience of others is because one, I'm interested 0:04:47.000 --> 0:04:51.560 in understanding things that live beyond my head. I'm under 0:04:51.640 --> 0:04:56.800 no illusion that my reality is anyone else's reality, that 0:04:57.120 --> 0:05:01.679 my story is the greater story. This is just Craig's story. 0:05:02.680 --> 0:05:07.040 And so I think navigating life through that lens that 0:05:07.080 --> 0:05:09.200 what goes on in my head is just what goes 0:05:09.240 --> 0:05:12.280 on in my head. The story that I have in 0:05:12.320 --> 0:05:17.400 my head about John or this group of people or 0:05:17.440 --> 0:05:21.359 my audience, it is just my story. So how do 0:05:21.440 --> 0:05:26.080 I understand other people? Not agree with them, as I've 0:05:26.120 --> 0:05:28.919 said to you before, not necessarily agree with them or 0:05:28.960 --> 0:05:33.640 align with them, or necessarily support their ideas or ideology 0:05:33.680 --> 0:05:37.240 or philosophy or theology, but just to understand. Remember that 0:05:37.360 --> 0:05:42.200 seek first to understand, then to be understood, and the 0:05:42.520 --> 0:05:45.520 seek first to understand is in a twenty eight font, 0:05:46.320 --> 0:05:49.719 and then to be understood as in a four. Because 0:05:49.800 --> 0:05:53.680 if I don't understand other people, I only understand me, 0:05:54.480 --> 0:05:59.240 I only understand my thinking. I only understand my version 0:05:59.279 --> 0:06:02.320 of what's real. Then, at the very best, when I'm 0:06:03.279 --> 0:06:07.839 talking to somebody, I'm guessing. I'm guessing. I'm guessing what 0:06:07.960 --> 0:06:11.440 they think. I'm guessing what their reality is. And more 0:06:11.440 --> 0:06:15.279 often than not, if i'm I don't like this word, 0:06:15.360 --> 0:06:19.279 but you know, closer to typical or normal is more 0:06:19.279 --> 0:06:23.159 often than not, I will be assuming that they understand 0:06:23.160 --> 0:06:27.200 what I'm saying because I understand what I'm saying. What 0:06:27.320 --> 0:06:30.680 I am saying is clear to me, it is easy 0:06:30.720 --> 0:06:33.719 to understand to me, it makes sense to me, it's 0:06:33.839 --> 0:06:38.080 logic to me, it's all the things positive. So therefore 0:06:38.240 --> 0:06:41.920 they will understand because I'm speaking slowly and clearly, and 0:06:42.000 --> 0:06:47.680 I'm articulating my ideas very succinctly and intellectually. Therefore they 0:06:47.720 --> 0:06:50.719 will know exactly what I mean and where I'm coming from, 0:06:51.120 --> 0:06:54.279 and my intention in this moment will be their experience 0:06:54.320 --> 0:06:58.760 in this moment, which we know as bullshit, which we 0:06:58.839 --> 0:07:03.240 know as bullshit. So constant in our world is stimulus response. 0:07:03.560 --> 0:07:09.559 Stimulus response a thing happens. We respond. Someone says something, 0:07:09.640 --> 0:07:14.160 stimulus we respond. Somebody looks a certain way we respond. 0:07:14.560 --> 0:07:18.240 It rains. We respond. We never get hit by a car. 0:07:18.760 --> 0:07:23.440 We respond. We see something on Facebook or Instagram or 0:07:23.480 --> 0:07:26.080 wherever that kind of rubs us up the wrong way. 0:07:26.120 --> 0:07:28.560 That's a stimulus. We respond. We either go fuck that 0:07:28.640 --> 0:07:32.840 guy or fuck that girl, or we write some emotional 0:07:32.920 --> 0:07:35.280 response and we stand on our sidebox and whatever. 0:07:35.360 --> 0:07:38.680 That's all about our response. That's all about how I think. 0:07:39.080 --> 0:07:43.360 That's all about how I feel. That's all about my stories, 0:07:43.520 --> 0:07:47.920 about the thing that just intersected with my reality, the 0:07:48.000 --> 0:07:51.200 thing that just slid into my consciousness, the thing that 0:07:51.520 --> 0:07:57.240 just slid into my awareness, into my immediate world. 0:07:58.200 --> 0:08:03.280 Now, the challenge for us, or we respond, before we 0:08:03.320 --> 0:08:08.320 respond in appropriately or in a misinformed way, is to 0:08:08.880 --> 0:08:11.440 try to understand what that is about, or at the 0:08:11.480 --> 0:08:13.800 very least, obviously, if somebody's about to run us over 0:08:13.840 --> 0:08:18.080 a car with a car, let's not consider the choice 0:08:18.080 --> 0:08:22.120 of options too slowly. But in general terms interacting with others, 0:08:22.960 --> 0:08:27.440 you know, as soon as I realize that somebody is 0:08:27.440 --> 0:08:31.080 saying something to me that could sound offensive, that could 0:08:31.120 --> 0:08:34.600 be offensive, or I could make it offensive, but I know, 0:08:34.840 --> 0:08:39.920 on no level are they trying to hurt me, even 0:08:39.960 --> 0:08:44.080 though they may have been mildly insensitive or unaware. It's 0:08:44.120 --> 0:08:48.080 still up to me whether I choose to react in 0:08:48.120 --> 0:08:52.760 an unoffended way. Because I know this person. I know 0:08:53.000 --> 0:08:55.480 how they think, or at least have insight into how 0:08:55.520 --> 0:08:58.120 they think. I know their kind, and I know they 0:08:58.240 --> 0:09:00.520 have empathy, and I know they care about the people. 0:09:00.920 --> 0:09:03.960 They just said something that in the moment, I'm pretty 0:09:03.960 --> 0:09:06.640 sure one they didn't intend on any level to hurt 0:09:06.720 --> 0:09:10.559 or offend, and two they were probably a bit underwear unaware. 0:09:11.480 --> 0:09:15.160 I didn't mean underwear, they were unaware, and so too 0:09:15.200 --> 0:09:18.120 the other way around. I know because of how I am, 0:09:19.080 --> 0:09:23.560 which is I am definitely not for everyone. I know 0:09:23.640 --> 0:09:27.160 that I know that I'm under no illusions. There's that 0:09:27.280 --> 0:09:30.040 term again. But I'm under no illusions that Craig harper 0:09:30.080 --> 0:09:33.400 Will or my thinking or my teaching or my coaching 0:09:33.720 --> 0:09:37.000 is going to resonate with everyone. In fact, probably not 0:09:37.160 --> 0:09:43.480 with many. Also, that's okay, that's not good or bad. 0:09:43.520 --> 0:09:47.640 I'm not mad or sad. That's just are an outcome 0:09:47.880 --> 0:09:51.080 or an ever present reality of the human experience is 0:09:51.120 --> 0:09:54.080 that you say the same thing to one hundred people, 0:09:54.880 --> 0:09:57.520 especially if you say it collectively on mass, to the 0:09:57.559 --> 0:10:00.880 one hundred people, one thing, one hundred people. So there's 0:10:00.920 --> 0:10:04.000 what you're saying, there's what you're intending. There's the stimulus 0:10:04.040 --> 0:10:06.840 that's coming out of your God. There's the thing, the idea, 0:10:06.920 --> 0:10:10.880 the concept, the words, the sentences that you're pushing out 0:10:10.920 --> 0:10:14.920 of your energy, out of your consciousness into a room 0:10:15.000 --> 0:10:20.800 full of other consciousnesses. Other personalities are the brains, are 0:10:20.840 --> 0:10:23.280 the filters, And all of a sudden, there's six people 0:10:23.320 --> 0:10:25.440 in that room that think you're a prick, not because 0:10:25.440 --> 0:10:28.360 you're a prick, but that's how they interpreted what you 0:10:28.480 --> 0:10:31.720 pushed out there. Right, there's twenty five people who think 0:10:31.760 --> 0:10:33.880 you're pretty cool, there's a bunch that think you're great, 0:10:33.920 --> 0:10:38.040 and there's a few that are confused. So that's not 0:10:38.840 --> 0:10:43.000 as much about what you are saying as it is 0:10:43.040 --> 0:10:47.440 about their story about what you are saying, it's about 0:10:47.480 --> 0:10:50.920 how they interpret that data, that piece of information, or 0:10:50.920 --> 0:10:55.319 that idea that came out of your mouth. Now, so 0:10:55.360 --> 0:10:58.920 we know that we know that no matter what we say, 0:10:59.000 --> 0:11:01.160 somebody is going to be that at some stage, we 0:11:01.240 --> 0:11:03.240 know that somebody is going to be confused. You know 0:11:03.440 --> 0:11:05.960 that somebody's going to get angry. You know you know that. 0:11:06.280 --> 0:11:09.000 But what we want to do is we don't want 0:11:09.000 --> 0:11:12.560 to totally eliminate or eradicate that. Well, we'd love to 0:11:12.640 --> 0:11:14.760 if we could, but we can't because that will always 0:11:14.840 --> 0:11:16.880 be a part of the human experience, because there will 0:11:17.200 --> 0:11:21.280 always be disconnection and connection. There will always be confusion, 0:11:21.320 --> 0:11:24.160 there will always be misinterpretation. But what we want to 0:11:24.160 --> 0:11:27.480 do is we want to close the gap. And how 0:11:27.520 --> 0:11:30.560 we make that gap smaller and how we create more 0:11:30.640 --> 0:11:36.880 resonance and how we create greater connection is without compromising 0:11:36.920 --> 0:11:41.600 our values or our own ideas, we open the door 0:11:41.679 --> 0:11:45.200 of understanding on trying to genuinely right now, this is 0:11:45.240 --> 0:11:51.160 the challenge to genuinely understand somebody who doesn't think like us, 0:11:51.280 --> 0:11:53.640 or agree with us, or align on us, somebody who 0:11:53.720 --> 0:11:57.520 might live in a different echo chamber of thought or 0:11:57.559 --> 0:12:03.840 idea or religion or philosophy or whatever it is. Because 0:12:04.520 --> 0:12:10.160 we want the least conflict and the most harmony. We 0:12:10.280 --> 0:12:14.640 don't want we don't want to be the person that's 0:12:14.760 --> 0:12:17.880 constantly in the middle of some kind of confusion or 0:12:17.920 --> 0:12:21.360 conflict or debate or is that inevitable. Of course it's 0:12:21.400 --> 0:12:23.800 going to happen at some stage, But if I'm in 0:12:23.800 --> 0:12:26.560 a conversation if you're in a conversation, if you're a leader, 0:12:26.600 --> 0:12:28.520 if you're a manager, if you're a mum, if you're 0:12:28.559 --> 0:12:31.480 a dad, if you're a friend, if you're anyone in 0:12:31.559 --> 0:12:34.400 any kind of role, professional or not, where you are 0:12:34.400 --> 0:12:38.040 trying to build meaningful relationships, where you are trying to 0:12:38.720 --> 0:12:46.360 have meaningful conversations and to build healthy connections, then this 0:12:46.559 --> 0:12:49.360 is of the utmost important I think important. So I 0:12:49.400 --> 0:12:55.640 think understanding how other people think is it's a superpower. 0:12:55.679 --> 0:12:59.680 You know, it's a communication, it's an interpersonal it's a 0:12:59.679 --> 0:13:02.840 social logical weapon. And I don't mean that in a 0:13:02.880 --> 0:13:06.599 negative way. The tool is probably a better word that 0:13:07.000 --> 0:13:10.240 we can use to just make things better in that 0:13:10.360 --> 0:13:16.000 kind of space. So I think it's right up there. 0:13:16.040 --> 0:13:19.040 So how do we understand How do we start to 0:13:19.160 --> 0:13:23.760 understand others? Well, as I said, we really think about 0:13:23.800 --> 0:13:27.040 how they think, We really think about their words. And 0:13:27.120 --> 0:13:30.920 if I sit long enough and I talk little enough, 0:13:31.160 --> 0:13:35.400 and I am plugged into their energy and their words 0:13:35.520 --> 0:13:40.319 and their intentions as much much as I can without 0:13:40.480 --> 0:13:45.959 asking them overtly, I will. I will, as a byproduct 0:13:46.000 --> 0:13:50.200 of the things that I'm doing, I will begin reasonably 0:13:50.280 --> 0:13:55.000 quickly to understand their needs and wants and their values 0:13:56.400 --> 0:13:59.800 and what excites them and what scares them, and what 0:13:59.800 --> 0:14:02.400 they looking forward to, and what their story is and 0:14:02.440 --> 0:14:07.480 where they've been and what they've seen, and how their 0:14:07.520 --> 0:14:12.240 beliefs have come to be what they are. Did they 0:14:12.320 --> 0:14:15.199 choose those beliefs? Did they inherit those beliefs? Were those 0:14:15.200 --> 0:14:22.040 beliefs programmed into them by cognitive and or psychological osmosis 0:14:22.160 --> 0:14:25.200 just by virtue of the fact that they've been around 0:14:25.280 --> 0:14:28.280 that guy or that girl, or that teacher or that 0:14:28.400 --> 0:14:32.360 coach or that parent for a long time and so, 0:14:33.320 --> 0:14:35.880 and because they loved or respected or looked up to 0:14:35.960 --> 0:14:40.080 that person, then that person's thinking became the other person's thinking. 0:14:41.360 --> 0:14:44.720 You think about the amount of times when people typically 0:14:46.520 --> 0:14:51.040 decide what a belief will be, or what belief they're 0:14:51.040 --> 0:14:54.760 going to now embrace and move forward and build a lot. 0:14:54.840 --> 0:14:58.680 I'm going to build part of my life on this belief. Well, 0:14:58.680 --> 0:15:01.880 that doesn't typically happen. And what typically happens is people 0:15:01.920 --> 0:15:06.240 look up metaphorically and now they're fifteen or twenty or 0:15:06.240 --> 0:15:11.000 forty or fifty, and they've got this deeply ingrained belief 0:15:11.520 --> 0:15:16.840 that impacts their life significantly for better or worse that 0:15:16.920 --> 0:15:21.680 they never chose. They did not choose that. So your job, 0:15:21.760 --> 0:15:24.960 my job is not to criticize them. It's not to 0:15:25.080 --> 0:15:28.479 point out that perhaps their belief is flawed or problematic. 0:15:29.160 --> 0:15:32.280 It's to understand their belief. It's to understand it, not 0:15:32.320 --> 0:15:34.680 agree with it, not support it necessarily. Maybe we do 0:15:34.760 --> 0:15:37.520 agree with it, but what I'm saying is agreement and 0:15:37.600 --> 0:15:44.040 alignment and endorsement are not important factors in the journey 0:15:44.080 --> 0:15:50.280 of understanding others. It's all about just awareness, insight, reading 0:15:50.320 --> 0:15:54.200 the room, reading them, and assuming that old chestnut I've 0:15:54.200 --> 0:15:59.440 spoken about before, the false consensus effect. We assume that 0:15:59.480 --> 0:16:03.440 other people think like us because the only world we know, 0:16:04.040 --> 0:16:08.240 the only internal world we know real well, is our own. 0:16:09.200 --> 0:16:13.160 And so we look at even you know, peeling it 0:16:13.240 --> 0:16:19.520 back to just consciousness on an individual level, thinking about 0:16:19.640 --> 0:16:22.840 the world, thinking about the environment, and by that I 0:16:22.880 --> 0:16:27.119 mean the median environment around us, the context of the situation, 0:16:27.760 --> 0:16:29.800 the people that I'm in the room with, or the 0:16:29.880 --> 0:16:35.840 conversation with them, Realizing that I, yes, me, Craig Harper, 0:16:35.960 --> 0:16:40.080 doing the podcast, doing the teaching, I am still always 0:16:40.120 --> 0:16:44.400 looking through my window at the world, and my window 0:16:44.480 --> 0:16:47.600 being my ideas, my beliefs, the way I see things, 0:16:47.680 --> 0:16:52.960 my likes and dislikes, my bias, all my bullshit. Because 0:16:53.000 --> 0:16:59.040 you can't not help but see things through your lens 0:16:59.160 --> 0:17:03.280 and your understands and your experiences and your values, beliefs, ideas, etc. 0:17:04.480 --> 0:17:07.560 That's not bad, that's human. Where we start to step 0:17:07.640 --> 0:17:11.399 up another level is when we start to recognize that 0:17:11.600 --> 0:17:15.800 we recognize our own bullshit, we recognize our own limited thinking, 0:17:16.280 --> 0:17:22.439 we recognize our own bias in real time, in real time, 0:17:23.560 --> 0:17:27.960 and so that understanding that right now, what I think 0:17:28.080 --> 0:17:30.640 is real, what I think is right, what I think 0:17:30.800 --> 0:17:35.199 makes sense may not. It definitely may not to the 0:17:35.200 --> 0:17:38.639 person in front of me. But maybe in five years, 0:17:38.640 --> 0:17:42.200 when I'm less emotional and less intentional about being right, 0:17:43.240 --> 0:17:45.840 I might look back at this thing that I currently 0:17:45.920 --> 0:17:49.119 think or hold to be true or intertwine with my 0:17:49.240 --> 0:17:51.600 identity and go, fuck, why did I think? Where did 0:17:51.600 --> 0:17:54.280 that come from? But this is one of the great 0:17:54.400 --> 0:17:58.640 challenges for all of us in this pursuit of self discovery, 0:17:59.160 --> 0:18:05.239 self regulation, self awareness, self acceptance, self improvement is to 0:18:05.280 --> 0:18:11.560 be able to, with humility and courage, look at who 0:18:11.720 --> 0:18:16.439 I am and how I am through another lens, and 0:18:16.480 --> 0:18:20.400 to be okay with Hey, world, this is what I think. 0:18:21.040 --> 0:18:24.680 Here's my thought, here's my belief, here's my idea about 0:18:24.800 --> 0:18:29.600 this topic. Also, world, I could be wrong. I could 0:18:29.680 --> 0:18:33.320 be wrong. You know why, because I've been wrong many 0:18:33.359 --> 0:18:37.400 times and I will definitely be wrong more in the future. 0:18:38.400 --> 0:18:42.720 And this is a hard thing to live because we 0:18:42.800 --> 0:18:47.040 don't like being wrong. We also don't like not knowing. 0:18:47.600 --> 0:18:52.479 We want to know. We like predictability and familiarity and 0:18:52.560 --> 0:18:56.520 certainty and knowing, and we love all that shit. We 0:18:56.640 --> 0:19:00.879 gravitate towards that because that's where we feel the safest, 0:19:00.960 --> 0:19:05.119 and we love feeling safe. But guess what, Life doesn't 0:19:05.160 --> 0:19:07.600 give a fuck about your safety, or your emotions, or 0:19:07.600 --> 0:19:12.199 your state or mine. And the truth is more complex 0:19:12.400 --> 0:19:16.240 and bigger than I am right. They are wrong. This 0:19:16.400 --> 0:19:19.680 is a good conversation, this is bad, this is productive, 0:19:19.760 --> 0:19:23.879 this is destructive. It's bigger than that, because even in 0:19:24.080 --> 0:19:27.000 just a conversation, there are a myriad of factors and 0:19:27.119 --> 0:19:30.720 variables that are at play that determine the in the 0:19:30.800 --> 0:19:34.280 moment experience for both people in that conversation or all 0:19:34.359 --> 0:19:37.880 ten or whatever it is, and also the outcomes of that. 0:19:39.359 --> 0:19:41.960 So when I'm talking, for example, to a sixteen year 0:19:42.000 --> 0:19:45.119 old girl about her eating disorder, for example, which I 0:19:45.640 --> 0:19:50.200 have done many times, or her body dysmorphia, or her 0:19:51.040 --> 0:19:54.440 self esteem or emotional issues or whatever. So you know, firstly, 0:19:54.520 --> 0:19:57.480 there's the sixteen year old teenager that I need to 0:19:57.520 --> 0:19:59.640 factor in. I'm not talking to a fifty year old woman. 0:19:59.640 --> 0:20:02.400 I'm talking when I was sixteen year old, young lady, right. 0:20:02.440 --> 0:20:04.560 I need to factor that in. I need to factor 0:20:04.760 --> 0:20:07.560 in that I look fucking scary and I'm terrifying for 0:20:07.720 --> 0:20:12.040 some people. So I need to try to somehow mitigate that, 0:20:12.119 --> 0:20:15.159 because just sitting across from me, I know for some 0:20:15.280 --> 0:20:19.119 people is intimidating. For other people, it's fun. For other people, 0:20:19.119 --> 0:20:24.119 it's very comfortable. Again, you know, stimulus response. But in 0:20:24.160 --> 0:20:26.600 the middle of that, then talking to this young woman, 0:20:28.040 --> 0:20:30.720 I've got to try to understand her personality. I've got 0:20:30.720 --> 0:20:32.880 to try to dig into her beliefs and where they 0:20:32.920 --> 0:20:35.720 come from. I've got to try to dig into the 0:20:36.760 --> 0:20:41.440 origin of her self sabotage and her overthinking and her 0:20:41.560 --> 0:20:44.480 underdoing and her self loathing. And then I've got to 0:20:44.520 --> 0:20:47.159 take into consideration the context, which is we're sitting in 0:20:47.200 --> 0:20:50.720 a fucking cafe and Brian and Doris are sitting a 0:20:50.800 --> 0:20:54.560 meter away talking about their European holiday. Well that's not 0:20:54.840 --> 0:20:56.560 because I meet a lot of people in the cafe, 0:20:56.680 --> 0:21:00.280 right and so there are so many things that we 0:21:00.440 --> 0:21:02.359 need to and this is not easy, and this is 0:21:02.400 --> 0:21:05.640 not quick, and this is not a fast kind of adaptation. 0:21:06.480 --> 0:21:10.760 But when we can sit there in real time and 0:21:11.080 --> 0:21:15.160 even slow things down a little bit, slow down the judgment, 0:21:15.280 --> 0:21:18.439 slowed down the reaction, maybe slow down the response to 0:21:18.480 --> 0:21:22.199 the words that preceded it, and start to be more present, 0:21:22.400 --> 0:21:27.800 more aware, less needy of being right or showing the 0:21:27.840 --> 0:21:31.639 person how much we know, or you know, putting on 0:21:31.720 --> 0:21:34.280 the coach's hat or the leader hat, or being the 0:21:34.760 --> 0:21:38.399 super parent in the moment or whatever it is. But 0:21:38.480 --> 0:21:41.880 it's just the beginning of looking at things that we 0:21:41.960 --> 0:21:47.280 do all the time through a different lens, you know. 0:21:48.040 --> 0:21:53.720 I know, for myself, I had to slow the fuck down. 0:21:54.280 --> 0:21:59.159 I had to assume less, I had to ask more. 0:22:00.440 --> 0:22:03.879 And the thing is that we have this capacity I 0:22:04.000 --> 0:22:07.440 definitely do where I would look at somebody doing something 0:22:07.560 --> 0:22:11.080 and I'm sure you've thought this, and I'm like, why 0:22:11.080 --> 0:22:16.560 are they making this so fucking hard? What? Oh my god, 0:22:16.600 --> 0:22:19.320 they're going to Sydney from Melbourne, but they're going via 0:22:19.440 --> 0:22:22.919 New York, Paris, London, Munich. It's like, dude, this is 0:22:23.080 --> 0:22:26.840 so much easier than you're making it. Now, that may 0:22:26.880 --> 0:22:32.040 be true on a practical level, but the thing is 0:22:32.119 --> 0:22:35.119 that is what they're doing, That is their version of reality. 0:22:35.720 --> 0:22:38.600 And so how and when and if we might scent 0:22:39.640 --> 0:22:43.160 share some kind of external insight that is our thinking 0:22:43.720 --> 0:22:46.439 and molding into their I mean, that is a really 0:22:47.000 --> 0:22:51.399 tricky thing because you can give people feedback that is 0:22:51.760 --> 0:22:55.760 absolutely well intended. Let's say, in this hypothetical I'm giving 0:22:55.840 --> 0:22:59.320 you it's well intended, it's one hundred percent correct, it's 0:22:59.400 --> 0:23:03.320 relevant to the individual, and should they take that advice 0:23:03.480 --> 0:23:07.359 or thought or coaching on board and operationalize it, then 0:23:07.800 --> 0:23:13.159 they would probably create a much better result. However, despite 0:23:13.240 --> 0:23:15.720 the fact that you might be right and corrected and 0:23:15.880 --> 0:23:18.680 correct and well intended and kind and all of those 0:23:18.720 --> 0:23:22.760 things and empathetic, you might share something with them that 0:23:22.920 --> 0:23:27.040 in the time, in that moment, in that situation, does 0:23:27.080 --> 0:23:31.800 more harm than good, creates more of a problem than 0:23:31.840 --> 0:23:35.760 a solution. Now, it's in my interest in yours to 0:23:35.880 --> 0:23:41.400 know that ahead of time. Let's not throw the grenade 0:23:41.520 --> 0:23:46.479 let's not throw the psychological grenade into the picture and 0:23:46.560 --> 0:23:51.440 then look all confused and bewildered when they don't respond 0:23:51.480 --> 0:23:55.280 well or they metaphorically blow up because you said or 0:23:55.359 --> 0:24:00.000 did or shared something which for them in that mine 0:24:00.000 --> 0:24:03.439 moment was not the right thing and definitely not the 0:24:03.560 --> 0:24:07.160 right way. And I think even about this right now, 0:24:08.280 --> 0:24:11.199 like I really don't know. I don't know where to 0:24:11.240 --> 0:24:13.240 start and where to finish with this because it's such 0:24:13.280 --> 0:24:16.760 a big conversation understanding others. Theory of mind. You've heard 0:24:16.800 --> 0:24:19.600 me say that a lot. Theory of mind is your 0:24:19.600 --> 0:24:24.520 ability to have an insight into how others think, operate, choose, act, react, 0:24:24.720 --> 0:24:29.240 you know, a feel. It's your ability to understand another 0:24:29.440 --> 0:24:34.200 person as well as you can. And it's just that 0:24:34.200 --> 0:24:39.800 that intention of understanding like nothing more like and obviously 0:24:39.800 --> 0:24:43.040 the benefits will come from that. But how do I understand? 0:24:43.800 --> 0:24:45.960 You know? One of the arguably one of the greatest 0:24:45.960 --> 0:24:52.160 books ever written was written by a guy called Sunsu, 0:24:52.240 --> 0:24:56.359 which some of you have heard of, And he wrote 0:24:56.400 --> 0:24:59.399 a book called The Art of War, and this was 0:24:59.440 --> 0:25:05.000 written to five hundred years ago, and he was always 0:25:05.119 --> 0:25:08.439 talking about like the core theme in the Art of 0:25:08.480 --> 0:25:13.760 War was about understanding how other people think. Like this 0:25:13.800 --> 0:25:15.520 is two and a half thousand years ago. This is 0:25:15.600 --> 0:25:20.359 pre Bible. You know, this is understanding how other people think. 0:25:20.760 --> 0:25:25.560 So that obviously his motives were not as generous as 0:25:25.640 --> 0:25:28.000 yours and mine. He was talking about how to do 0:25:28.080 --> 0:25:30.760 war well and how to kill and conquer the enemy. Cool, 0:25:31.600 --> 0:25:34.159 but even in order to create that outcome, which is 0:25:34.200 --> 0:25:36.119 not one that we want. But this guy two and 0:25:36.119 --> 0:25:40.000 a half thousand years ago was fully cognizant of how 0:25:40.080 --> 0:25:44.879 important it was to understand how people think and what 0:25:45.000 --> 0:25:48.679 they might do and what they might choose. Before he 0:25:48.840 --> 0:25:52.160 was worried about what he thought. You know, here's this 0:25:52.440 --> 0:25:58.439 Chinese military strategist twenty five hundred years ago who says, 0:25:58.480 --> 0:26:02.240 to know your enemy, you must become your enemy. So 0:26:02.359 --> 0:26:06.040 you must be able to think like they think. You know, 0:26:08.160 --> 0:26:10.359 what did he say? What he said, war is a 0:26:10.400 --> 0:26:14.000 contest of minds before it's a contest of bodies. Think 0:26:14.040 --> 0:26:17.560 about that, war is a contest of minds before it's 0:26:17.960 --> 0:26:22.879 you know, we need in a much more generous and 0:26:23.040 --> 0:26:30.679 wholesome fashion. But if part of our agenda is to 0:26:30.720 --> 0:26:33.960 build connection, rapport and great relationships and be an effective 0:26:33.960 --> 0:26:38.000 communicator and love others in a way that feels loving. 0:26:38.800 --> 0:26:45.600 Then it is paramount that we start to ponder this stuff. 0:26:46.200 --> 0:26:51.840 And so when I start to think about people's culture, 0:26:52.080 --> 0:26:54.000 like where they come from, Oh, they don't come from 0:26:54.000 --> 0:26:56.719 the place I came from, you know, they don't. They 0:26:56.720 --> 0:26:59.080 didn't grow up in a kind of an environment that 0:26:59.160 --> 0:27:01.480 I grew up in. A for an environment. What environment 0:27:01.480 --> 0:27:03.560 do they live in? Where did they grow up? What country, 0:27:03.600 --> 0:27:07.880 what area, what suburb? Like? What religion did they grow 0:27:07.960 --> 0:27:09.760