1 00:00:05,881 --> 00:00:07,281 Speaker 1: Apodjay Production. 2 00:00:10,921 --> 00:00:14,001 Speaker 2: Welcome to the she Rises Podcast. I'm Ashy and I'm Tiana. 3 00:00:14,361 --> 00:00:15,201 Speaker 2: This podcast is. 4 00:00:15,201 --> 00:00:18,800 Speaker 1: About female empowerment and encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, 5 00:00:18,801 --> 00:00:20,800 Speaker 1: and most authentic version of yourself. 6 00:00:20,961 --> 00:00:23,320 Speaker 2: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level. 7 00:00:23,321 --> 00:00:26,241 Speaker 2: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone 8 00:00:26,281 --> 00:00:27,801 Speaker 2: else is too afraid to talk about. 9 00:00:28,401 --> 00:00:30,761 Speaker 1: Get ready for your next level of self. 10 00:00:31,041 --> 00:00:33,760 Speaker 2: All right, everybody, and welcome back to the Shee Rises Podcast. 11 00:00:33,961 --> 00:00:38,081 Speaker 2: Fresh week. It's Monday, Monday morning, lunch, afternoon, on your walk, 12 00:00:38,321 --> 00:00:40,321 Speaker 2: going to work, whatever you're doing. Welcome back to the 13 00:00:40,361 --> 00:00:42,001 Speaker 2: podcast with Ashley and Tiana. 14 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:42,760 Speaker 1: Welcome back. 15 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:44,481 Speaker 2: Let's get started in our share of the week. 16 00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:46,880 Speaker 1: What have you got for us? Absolutely? Oh my goodness, 17 00:00:46,921 --> 00:00:51,561 Speaker 1: hyaluronic acid by the ordinary. Oh recommend love skin care Okay, 18 00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:55,201 Speaker 1: only started using it in this last week in a bit. Okay, 19 00:00:55,321 --> 00:00:57,241 Speaker 1: but it could be a combination of things to be about. 20 00:00:57,441 --> 00:00:59,960 Speaker 1: But for some reason, my skin it feels like flawless, 21 00:01:00,001 --> 00:01:02,840 Speaker 1: almost oh, like I don't have any dead skin. It 22 00:01:02,881 --> 00:01:05,841 Speaker 1: feels like the texture of my skin is really cool, smooth, 23 00:01:06,081 --> 00:01:07,961 Speaker 1: and I find that the rest of my skincare goes 24 00:01:07,961 --> 00:01:09,680 Speaker 1: on really really, really well. 25 00:01:09,761 --> 00:01:12,401 Speaker 2: I've heard great things about the Ordinary brand. I've only 26 00:01:12,481 --> 00:01:14,800 Speaker 2: used the Esme one for years, but I've heard really 27 00:01:14,801 --> 00:01:15,721 Speaker 2: good things about that one. 28 00:01:15,881 --> 00:01:17,441 Speaker 1: And it's cheap. It cost I think it was like 29 00:01:17,481 --> 00:01:20,561 Speaker 1: fifteen dollars. Wow, that's really cheap. You can buy it 30 00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:22,840 Speaker 1: from Priceline. There you go. Oh. 31 00:01:22,961 --> 00:01:24,640 Speaker 2: I always get scared to like try and you not 32 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:26,441 Speaker 2: not scared. But once you know, when you find a 33 00:01:26,481 --> 00:01:28,961 Speaker 2: product you love to like, switch brands. But it's also 34 00:01:29,041 --> 00:01:31,360 Speaker 2: fun to try different things that I've used the same 35 00:01:31,401 --> 00:01:33,241 Speaker 2: skincare brands for so long, but I want to start 36 00:01:33,241 --> 00:01:34,761 Speaker 2: getting into some more Korean skincare. 37 00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:37,121 Speaker 1: It looks fun, doesn't it. Oh, it keeps raving. 38 00:01:37,041 --> 00:01:40,481 Speaker 2: About it deep to say, I've bought a couple what 39 00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:42,441 Speaker 2: I really like, but I really want to try some more. 40 00:01:42,681 --> 00:01:45,360 Speaker 2: Did you guys have any Korean skincare recommendations? Let us 41 00:01:45,401 --> 00:01:49,281 Speaker 2: know love to hear it. So my recommendation is just 42 00:01:49,361 --> 00:01:51,441 Speaker 2: it's not even recommendation. It's a share of the week. 43 00:01:51,641 --> 00:01:55,441 Speaker 2: It's a post I saw on Chris Duncan's page on Instagram. 44 00:01:55,521 --> 00:01:57,801 Speaker 2: I'm going to read it out. I love self aware 45 00:01:57,881 --> 00:02:01,081 Speaker 2: people like Yes, please tell me about the patterns you've outgrown, 46 00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:03,401 Speaker 2: and the mistakes you'll never repeat. Tell me about the 47 00:02:03,441 --> 00:02:06,321 Speaker 2: painful lessons that took you years to learn, about the 48 00:02:06,361 --> 00:02:08,401 Speaker 2: parts of you that show up when you're afraid, and 49 00:02:08,481 --> 00:02:11,201 Speaker 2: little quirks that no one else knows about. I don't 50 00:02:11,241 --> 00:02:13,880 Speaker 2: care how perfect you look on paper. I care how 51 00:02:13,881 --> 00:02:16,281 Speaker 2: honest you are with yourself. And when no one's watching, 52 00:02:16,721 --> 00:02:18,841 Speaker 2: that's the kind of soul I'll sit with for hours. 53 00:02:19,001 --> 00:02:21,921 Speaker 2: That's the kind of heart that I trust. And I 54 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:24,041 Speaker 2: was like, this is me and you to a tew. 55 00:02:23,601 --> 00:02:25,641 Speaker 1: I love that. Isn't it my job? We don't need 56 00:02:25,641 --> 00:02:26,520 Speaker 1: the rest of the episode. 57 00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:29,960 Speaker 2: Honestly, I just feel like this is something that I felt, 58 00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:32,881 Speaker 2: but I haven't known how to put into words that 59 00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:35,761 Speaker 2: I feel like this has been the most healing thing 60 00:02:35,761 --> 00:02:39,041 Speaker 2: about our friendship is things that we've carried shame around. 61 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:41,520 Speaker 2: We encourage each other to bring it in and have 62 00:02:41,641 --> 00:02:44,721 Speaker 2: evidence in that moment moving forward that we still love 63 00:02:44,721 --> 00:02:47,041 Speaker 2: each other no matter what. Yeah, And it's just helped 64 00:02:47,121 --> 00:02:49,721 Speaker 2: to dissolve any shame I've had on past mistakes that 65 00:02:49,721 --> 00:02:52,401 Speaker 2: I've made. Because being online and living your life online, 66 00:02:52,401 --> 00:02:54,881 Speaker 2: any mistake that I've made has been publicized. Ye and 67 00:02:54,921 --> 00:02:58,321 Speaker 2: criticized and something I said fifteen years ago still gets 68 00:02:58,321 --> 00:03:00,441 Speaker 2: brought up to this day and I'm like, oh my gosh, 69 00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:02,960 Speaker 2: let me live, let me grow, let me change my mind, 70 00:03:03,041 --> 00:03:05,441 Speaker 2: let me have a different opinion, let me say sorry, 71 00:03:05,481 --> 00:03:08,280 Speaker 2: let me, you know, learn different ways to do things. 72 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:10,281 Speaker 2: When I read that, I was like, Oh, that is 73 00:03:10,361 --> 00:03:12,921 Speaker 2: just so nice to talk about that and to bring 74 00:03:12,921 --> 00:03:15,121 Speaker 2: it forward in a safe container where someone can still 75 00:03:15,121 --> 00:03:16,681 Speaker 2: love you on that. That is the people that you 76 00:03:16,721 --> 00:03:19,321 Speaker 2: trust that can be fully vulnerable and own their stuff. 77 00:03:19,441 --> 00:03:22,121 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so nice. And the more uncomfortable the more 78 00:03:22,161 --> 00:03:22,721 Speaker 1: you bring it in. 79 00:03:22,881 --> 00:03:24,961 Speaker 2: Yeah, and it just helps to dissolve that shame and 80 00:03:25,041 --> 00:03:27,481 Speaker 2: move through it and then not feel shameful about it. 81 00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:28,321 Speaker 1: You're almost proud of it. 82 00:03:28,361 --> 00:03:30,000 Speaker 2: You're like, I used to feel like this, or I 83 00:03:30,121 --> 00:03:31,921 Speaker 2: used to hate this about myself, or I used to 84 00:03:31,921 --> 00:03:33,761 Speaker 2: show up like this and I don't anymore. And I 85 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:36,361 Speaker 2: can talk about that and grow from that and take 86 00:03:36,401 --> 00:03:38,881 Speaker 2: responsibility for that and do better. And when you can 87 00:03:38,921 --> 00:03:41,361 Speaker 2: talk about it so openly and comfortably, it's like, Oh, 88 00:03:41,521 --> 00:03:44,001 Speaker 2: that doesn't have to feel so heavy. It actually isn't. 89 00:03:44,081 --> 00:03:46,521 Speaker 1: That deep without being shameful about it too. Yeah, Like, 90 00:03:46,561 --> 00:03:48,761 Speaker 1: oh my god you oh this be bad Wolf. 91 00:03:48,561 --> 00:03:51,001 Speaker 2: Like, yeah, yeah, it's really cool. So I love that. 92 00:03:51,041 --> 00:03:54,521 Speaker 2: I love his page. So today, what are you talking about? 93 00:03:54,641 --> 00:03:56,881 Speaker 1: We are going to talk about the trauma of overly 94 00:03:56,921 --> 00:04:00,801 Speaker 1: taking responsibility in any given situation. Now, this is a 95 00:04:00,841 --> 00:04:03,281 Speaker 1: really tough one. I feel like women especially would really 96 00:04:03,281 --> 00:04:06,081 Speaker 1: really struggle with this, because one, we want to create conflict. 97 00:04:06,321 --> 00:04:10,041 Speaker 1: We struggle with combative energy between people, you know, it's 98 00:04:10,081 --> 00:04:11,801 Speaker 1: like we really struggle with that. So we want to 99 00:04:11,801 --> 00:04:14,481 Speaker 1: talk about the trauma that comes with overly taking responsibility, 100 00:04:14,641 --> 00:04:16,521 Speaker 1: how it's not benefiting you, and what you can kind 101 00:04:16,561 --> 00:04:18,041 Speaker 1: of do instead of that. 102 00:04:18,721 --> 00:04:21,041 Speaker 2: And there's like two ends of the scale, which we've 103 00:04:21,081 --> 00:04:24,201 Speaker 2: both been down the blame game yeap, and then overtaking 104 00:04:24,241 --> 00:04:26,841 Speaker 2: responsibility and then finding that middle ground and understanding no 105 00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:31,241 Speaker 2: matter what dynamic, no matter what story, no matter what partnership, relationship, 106 00:04:31,721 --> 00:04:34,721 Speaker 2: situationship you're in, there is two people in there that 107 00:04:34,761 --> 00:04:36,921 Speaker 2: need to take one hundred percent responsibility. It's not one 108 00:04:36,921 --> 00:04:39,681 Speaker 2: taking seventy percent, one taking thirty percent. You both have 109 00:04:39,801 --> 00:04:42,640 Speaker 2: your staff, both of your experience is real and it's 110 00:04:42,641 --> 00:04:44,761 Speaker 2: not productive for anyone for you to blame the other 111 00:04:44,801 --> 00:04:46,880 Speaker 2: person for everything or for you to take all the 112 00:04:46,921 --> 00:04:49,161 Speaker 2: responsibility and not give them the opportunity to learn and 113 00:04:49,201 --> 00:04:50,960 Speaker 2: grow and see where they can improve as well. 114 00:04:51,121 --> 00:04:53,200 Speaker 1: I think what's interesting about this topic as well is 115 00:04:53,201 --> 00:04:56,521 Speaker 1: that when you have been the person to overly blame 116 00:04:56,721 --> 00:04:59,121 Speaker 1: people in your life, you almost don't want to be 117 00:04:59,201 --> 00:05:01,640 Speaker 1: that anymore. Yeah, when you evolve out of that the 118 00:05:01,641 --> 00:05:03,641 Speaker 1: other way, doing the other way, but you go to 119 00:05:03,681 --> 00:05:07,281 Speaker 1: the extreme. In one hand, you're victim blaming everybody else 120 00:05:07,361 --> 00:05:09,241 Speaker 1: is the problem, and then you swing to the complete 121 00:05:09,281 --> 00:05:11,601 Speaker 1: other end where you're like, oh my god, I'm the problem. 122 00:05:11,601 --> 00:05:12,401 Speaker 2: It's I'm so sorry. 123 00:05:12,481 --> 00:05:12,760 Speaker 1: It's me. 124 00:05:13,001 --> 00:05:15,880 Speaker 2: Yeah, Hi, it's me. How does it help on the proms? 125 00:05:16,641 --> 00:05:18,681 Speaker 1: It's one hundred percent that, Yeah, And so I think 126 00:05:18,681 --> 00:05:21,801 Speaker 1: it's a really interesting thing, especially with social media information. 127 00:05:22,401 --> 00:05:25,361 Speaker 1: There's so much information out there. It's really important to 128 00:05:25,401 --> 00:05:29,001 Speaker 1: be able to access discernment with how much you take 129 00:05:29,001 --> 00:05:31,721 Speaker 1: on what other people post, you know, because it's like, oh, 130 00:05:31,761 --> 00:05:34,761 Speaker 1: you need to take one hundred percent responsibility for your part, 131 00:05:35,241 --> 00:05:37,121 Speaker 1: but then you know that piece of content might not 132 00:05:37,201 --> 00:05:40,601 Speaker 1: give you context, context The other person has part in 133 00:05:40,641 --> 00:05:42,921 Speaker 1: this too, Yes, And I think it's just really important 134 00:05:42,921 --> 00:05:44,640 Speaker 1: to note that because it could be like, you know, 135 00:05:44,721 --> 00:05:46,801 Speaker 1: you see stuff on social media like don't be a victim, 136 00:05:46,921 --> 00:05:48,320 Speaker 1: and you're like, Okay, I'm not being a victim now, 137 00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:52,121 Speaker 1: I'm overly taking responsibility. But if you're going to either extremes, 138 00:05:52,361 --> 00:05:53,481 Speaker 1: you're not in the middle yet. 139 00:05:53,761 --> 00:05:56,960 Speaker 2: Yes, and it's apiations where someone does something really horrible 140 00:05:57,001 --> 00:05:59,561 Speaker 2: to you, that's not your responsibility, but then it's your 141 00:05:59,601 --> 00:06:00,401 Speaker 2: responsibility what. 142 00:06:00,361 --> 00:06:02,440 Speaker 1: You do with that. Yes, do you allow that? Yeah? 143 00:06:02,521 --> 00:06:04,921 Speaker 2: Do you stand up for yourself? Do you use your voice? 144 00:06:05,241 --> 00:06:07,321 Speaker 2: Do you have a new boundary in place? Do you 145 00:06:07,361 --> 00:06:09,440 Speaker 2: cut that person out of your life? Do you go 146 00:06:09,521 --> 00:06:11,561 Speaker 2: on social media and like vent to it to everyone, 147 00:06:11,641 --> 00:06:13,241 Speaker 2: or do you go to that person and communicate like 148 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:15,760 Speaker 2: that is your part and where you need to take responsibility. 149 00:06:15,841 --> 00:06:16,961 Speaker 1: You can't control what other. 150 00:06:16,841 --> 00:06:18,841 Speaker 2: People do to you, but you can control how you 151 00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:20,681 Speaker 2: react and respond and what you do next with it. 152 00:06:20,841 --> 00:06:22,361 Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, I love that. 153 00:06:22,801 --> 00:06:25,601 Speaker 2: I think sometimes I would rather be and this is 154 00:06:25,641 --> 00:06:28,200 Speaker 2: me just being fully honest, I would rather nowadays. I 155 00:06:28,281 --> 00:06:30,561 Speaker 2: used to be the blamer, but nowadays I think I 156 00:06:30,721 --> 00:06:33,841 Speaker 2: sometimes would rather be the villain in someone's story because 157 00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:36,121 Speaker 2: that feels safer to me to just be like, oh, yeah, 158 00:06:36,121 --> 00:06:39,760 Speaker 2: I'm sorry, it's all my fault, then get into an argument, 159 00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:41,760 Speaker 2: upset them, for them to take what I'm saying the 160 00:06:41,761 --> 00:06:43,481 Speaker 2: wrong way, for them to abandon me not want to 161 00:06:43,521 --> 00:06:45,601 Speaker 2: be my friend anymore. But then it's like that is 162 00:06:45,601 --> 00:06:48,681 Speaker 2: not a true relationship. That's not a true, honest friendship. 163 00:06:48,721 --> 00:06:52,320 Speaker 2: That is a relationship based on being fake. Really, And 164 00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:55,681 Speaker 2: you're abandoning yourself doing that. And I'm fully consciously aware 165 00:06:55,681 --> 00:06:57,561 Speaker 2: of it. I know when I do it, and I'll 166 00:06:57,561 --> 00:06:59,281 Speaker 2: go home and dwell on it and be like, oh 167 00:06:59,361 --> 00:07:01,121 Speaker 2: my gosh, why didn't I use my voice there? Like 168 00:07:01,161 --> 00:07:04,241 Speaker 2: why didn't I feel safe? Why can't I speak my truth? 169 00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:07,320 Speaker 2: But you get really scared sometimes I've got like a 170 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:10,201 Speaker 2: full abandonment wound, like Okay, I'll just be the villain. 171 00:07:10,241 --> 00:07:12,241 Speaker 1: I'll just take it all. Yeah, like I'll bear the 172 00:07:12,281 --> 00:07:14,001 Speaker 1: burden and yeah, and. 173 00:07:13,961 --> 00:07:15,841 Speaker 2: You think it'll be easier, but then it just like 174 00:07:16,081 --> 00:07:18,841 Speaker 2: it adds to your backpack of heavy rocks of course 175 00:07:18,961 --> 00:07:19,801 Speaker 2: you carried around. 176 00:07:19,921 --> 00:07:21,321 Speaker 1: Where do you if you know my asking, where do 177 00:07:21,361 --> 00:07:24,161 Speaker 1: you think that that comes from? Like? What is the fear? 178 00:07:24,441 --> 00:07:26,001 Speaker 1: Oh I have to be the villain, I have to 179 00:07:26,001 --> 00:07:27,241 Speaker 1: carry this otherwise. 180 00:07:27,641 --> 00:07:29,241 Speaker 2: Yeah, I think it's just come from a couple of 181 00:07:29,281 --> 00:07:31,441 Speaker 2: conversations I've had over the years with friends that have 182 00:07:31,521 --> 00:07:34,601 Speaker 2: been harder, and then I've been like made to feel 183 00:07:34,641 --> 00:07:37,281 Speaker 2: bad for voicing that I don't want to talk about 184 00:07:37,281 --> 00:07:40,521 Speaker 2: a specific situation, but just a conversation that I've had 185 00:07:40,601 --> 00:07:43,161 Speaker 2: it's been really uncomfortable. They don't want to talk about it, 186 00:07:43,761 --> 00:07:46,281 Speaker 2: and then spin it back to be your fault. Yeah, okay, 187 00:07:46,361 --> 00:07:48,641 Speaker 2: So I'm like, oh, okay, I'll just hold it. Yes, 188 00:07:49,041 --> 00:07:50,801 Speaker 2: feel scary because I feel like I'm going to lose 189 00:07:50,841 --> 00:07:53,121 Speaker 2: them or they're going to be upset with me, and 190 00:07:53,361 --> 00:07:55,161 Speaker 2: either of those options are just not okay for my 191 00:07:55,201 --> 00:07:58,601 Speaker 2: nervous systems. Yeah, I also consciously know that they're not 192 00:07:58,601 --> 00:08:01,681 Speaker 2: the people for me. You should be able to express 193 00:08:01,681 --> 00:08:04,321 Speaker 2: your feelings and how things make you feel and be 194 00:08:04,401 --> 00:08:07,401 Speaker 2: able to say, hey, this really upset me when you 195 00:08:07,401 --> 00:08:09,641 Speaker 2: did X, Y, and Z. I know your intentions weren't there, 196 00:08:09,641 --> 00:08:10,961 Speaker 2: but like, can we talk about how this can be 197 00:08:11,001 --> 00:08:14,001 Speaker 2: done differently next time? If we would have something at work, 198 00:08:14,481 --> 00:08:15,961 Speaker 2: I think we would just talk about it, you know, 199 00:08:16,601 --> 00:08:19,761 Speaker 2: But there's been evidence before where it hasn't been safe 200 00:08:19,761 --> 00:08:21,521 Speaker 2: and it's felt really scary, So I'm like, oh, I'd 201 00:08:21,521 --> 00:08:23,601 Speaker 2: just rather think that this is all my fault. Yeah, 202 00:08:23,681 --> 00:08:25,721 Speaker 2: she can stay happy and stay you know, and we 203 00:08:25,761 --> 00:08:27,681 Speaker 2: can just continue as we were. 204 00:08:27,801 --> 00:08:30,401 Speaker 1: Yeah, like, not challenge that challenge. It's scary. 205 00:08:30,721 --> 00:08:31,001 Speaker 2: Yeah. 206 00:08:31,281 --> 00:08:34,081 Speaker 1: Yeah, whereas a Steve, I feel fully safe challenge him. 207 00:08:35,681 --> 00:08:38,681 Speaker 1: You've had like almost seventeen years. Yeah, you know, literally, 208 00:08:38,881 --> 00:08:39,521 Speaker 1: beautiful thing. 209 00:08:39,841 --> 00:08:41,841 Speaker 2: I just want to talk about that because we never 210 00:08:41,841 --> 00:08:43,881 Speaker 2: sit in this podcast on our high horses saying that 211 00:08:43,881 --> 00:08:45,601 Speaker 2: we're perfect and we've put all their shit together. It's 212 00:08:45,601 --> 00:08:48,521 Speaker 2: actually the complete opposite. We are a work in progress 213 00:08:48,681 --> 00:08:50,401 Speaker 2: and we always want to be honest with where we're at. 214 00:08:50,401 --> 00:08:53,041 Speaker 2: And yeah, I can see in different dynamics where I'm 215 00:08:53,081 --> 00:08:55,041 Speaker 2: just like, I'll just be the villain. I'll stay silent 216 00:08:55,081 --> 00:08:57,481 Speaker 2: on this. It's not worth trying to prove my point 217 00:08:57,721 --> 00:08:59,561 Speaker 2: or reason with the unreasonable. 218 00:08:59,241 --> 00:09:02,641 Speaker 1: Or backlash that might come from yeah or both of 219 00:09:02,721 --> 00:09:04,801 Speaker 1: us to take our side, especially if that other person 220 00:09:04,881 --> 00:09:07,241 Speaker 1: is super unaware of how they played their parts and something. 221 00:09:07,241 --> 00:09:09,241 Speaker 1: I'm like, it's not worth the energy. Yes, sometimes I 222 00:09:09,281 --> 00:09:11,881 Speaker 1: think as well, if the other person is unwilling, You're 223 00:09:11,881 --> 00:09:15,121 Speaker 1: almost like I'm fighting with somebody who is unwilling to 224 00:09:15,401 --> 00:09:18,241 Speaker 1: one hear me or to come and communicate. Yeah, you know, 225 00:09:18,361 --> 00:09:19,921 Speaker 1: so I wonder if that also plays a role of, 226 00:09:20,001 --> 00:09:22,081 Speaker 1: like you know that that person won't be able to 227 00:09:22,161 --> 00:09:22,841 Speaker 1: hear you properly. 228 00:09:23,081 --> 00:09:26,641 Speaker 2: Yeah, just feels like not worth the conflict. Yeah, yeah, 229 00:09:26,681 --> 00:09:27,081 Speaker 2: I get that. 230 00:09:27,281 --> 00:09:30,041 Speaker 1: It's uncomfortable. It is so uncomfortable. Mine shows up in 231 00:09:30,081 --> 00:09:32,881 Speaker 1: a little bit of a different way. I find when 232 00:09:32,881 --> 00:09:36,961 Speaker 1: it comes to like overly taking responsibility, I do it often. 233 00:09:37,441 --> 00:09:39,441 Speaker 1: I've noticed this in you too, but I do it 234 00:09:39,481 --> 00:09:41,801 Speaker 1: in a way. What I've noticed in myself is that 235 00:09:41,841 --> 00:09:44,041 Speaker 1: I'll overly take responsibility and I'll make sure the other 236 00:09:44,081 --> 00:09:46,641 Speaker 1: person feels so utterly heard. 237 00:09:46,881 --> 00:09:50,561 Speaker 2: Yeah, considered beautiful, but it's also at the cost of it. 238 00:09:50,641 --> 00:09:53,241 Speaker 1: To a fault sometimes. Right, It's also a strength of mind, 239 00:09:53,281 --> 00:09:55,321 Speaker 1: but it's also a weakness, like a Krypto kind of thing, 240 00:09:55,361 --> 00:09:57,241 Speaker 1: you know. So it's like it's a beautiful thing, and 241 00:09:57,281 --> 00:09:59,081 Speaker 1: I do it because, like, I know what it feels 242 00:09:59,081 --> 00:10:01,641 Speaker 1: like to not be heard, not be seen, not feel safe, 243 00:10:01,761 --> 00:10:04,561 Speaker 1: not feel held. So when it comes to other people 244 00:10:04,561 --> 00:10:07,881 Speaker 1: who feel uncomfortable, or we're in a dynamic where there's 245 00:10:07,921 --> 00:10:11,121 Speaker 1: discomfort or there's conflict, or there's you know, a conversation 246 00:10:11,201 --> 00:10:13,201 Speaker 1: that needs to be had, I will go out of 247 00:10:13,201 --> 00:10:16,121 Speaker 1: my way to make sure that that person is heard, understood, 248 00:10:16,481 --> 00:10:19,601 Speaker 1: gets to share everything that they're feeling. But then I 249 00:10:19,721 --> 00:10:23,881 Speaker 1: almost get scared to voice your voice. Mind. Yeah, so 250 00:10:23,921 --> 00:10:26,001 Speaker 1: it's like I allow all this space for the other person, 251 00:10:26,441 --> 00:10:28,321 Speaker 1: but then it's almost like I feel scared to take 252 00:10:28,401 --> 00:10:31,361 Speaker 1: up space and be like, oh, but this is my truth. Yeah, 253 00:10:31,401 --> 00:10:32,921 Speaker 1: you know. So it's like you can have your truth 254 00:10:32,961 --> 00:10:34,561 Speaker 1: and you can bring it in, but then I'm like, oh, 255 00:10:34,641 --> 00:10:37,161 Speaker 1: I find resistant to bring my truth in and like 256 00:10:37,241 --> 00:10:38,961 Speaker 1: actually take up spacetimes. 257 00:10:39,201 --> 00:10:41,841 Speaker 2: Is there something lately where you've found that's come up 258 00:10:41,841 --> 00:10:44,881 Speaker 2: for you. Is it more like friendship, family, partners, or 259 00:10:44,921 --> 00:10:46,041 Speaker 2: just like different situations. 260 00:10:46,081 --> 00:10:49,601 Speaker 1: I would say different situations, but I would say mostly relationships. Yeah, 261 00:10:49,841 --> 00:10:54,561 Speaker 1: like relationship wounds. Yeah, you know the mine's friendship. Yeah, 262 00:10:54,761 --> 00:10:56,721 Speaker 1: have out things. I feel like it's the similar thing, 263 00:10:56,761 --> 00:10:59,081 Speaker 1: but just in different ITAs. Yeah. 264 00:10:59,121 --> 00:11:00,401 Speaker 2: We talk about this often, we do. 265 00:11:00,681 --> 00:11:03,321 Speaker 1: Yeah. I think it's just almost what is it. It's 266 00:11:03,361 --> 00:11:06,121 Speaker 1: like a fear of conflict, a fear of them getting 267 00:11:06,121 --> 00:11:07,841 Speaker 1: mad at me, a fear of them not liking what 268 00:11:07,881 --> 00:11:11,001 Speaker 1: I'm going to say and then potentially leaving. It comes 269 00:11:11,001 --> 00:11:14,201 Speaker 1: down to the abandonment wound underneath it all. Yeah. Yeah, 270 00:11:14,241 --> 00:11:17,361 Speaker 1: both got that wound, a fear of fear of loss. Right, yeah, 271 00:11:17,401 --> 00:11:19,161 Speaker 1: like that, this is so good, Like I don't want 272 00:11:19,161 --> 00:11:22,561 Speaker 1: to like ruffle feathers. Yes, I've noticed this recently. Too big, 273 00:11:22,601 --> 00:11:25,881 Speaker 1: too loud, too much? Yeah? Is this too much? Is 274 00:11:25,921 --> 00:11:28,041 Speaker 1: what I'm worrying? Too much? Is it too booby? Is it? 275 00:11:28,721 --> 00:11:32,081 Speaker 1: You know? Just little? Even like that, you're overly nice sometimes. Yeah. 276 00:11:32,121 --> 00:11:33,761 Speaker 2: We had the situation in the car the other day 277 00:11:33,761 --> 00:11:36,641 Speaker 2: and you were like, Oh, this salesperson keeps sending me 278 00:11:36,681 --> 00:11:38,201 Speaker 2: all these sales things and he's trying to get me 279 00:11:38,241 --> 00:11:40,281 Speaker 2: to do this and that and that. And I was like, okay, well, 280 00:11:40,361 --> 00:11:42,161 Speaker 2: let's just when you send him a text and close 281 00:11:42,201 --> 00:11:45,281 Speaker 2: it off so he stops contacting you. And you were like, oh, 282 00:11:45,361 --> 00:11:47,601 Speaker 2: now I might just say what were you going to say? 283 00:11:47,801 --> 00:11:50,241 Speaker 2: It was so overly nice and it was beautiful, But 284 00:11:50,321 --> 00:11:52,841 Speaker 2: I was like, you're not stating that you're not interested. 285 00:11:52,961 --> 00:11:53,761 Speaker 1: So he's going to keep. 286 00:11:53,681 --> 00:11:56,521 Speaker 2: Harassing you, harassing this big word, but keep contacting you 287 00:11:56,561 --> 00:11:58,001 Speaker 2: and keep poking you to try and get you there, 288 00:11:58,081 --> 00:12:00,241 Speaker 2: keep pushing, which was really annoying you. And this is 289 00:12:00,281 --> 00:12:02,121 Speaker 2: like the third time you're brought it up. So I'm like, 290 00:12:02,561 --> 00:12:04,361 Speaker 2: let me type it, you can approve it before I 291 00:12:04,401 --> 00:12:06,761 Speaker 2: send it, just like, hey, thanks much for binding me, 292 00:12:06,761 --> 00:12:08,161 Speaker 2: but I'm going to kindly decline right now. 293 00:12:08,241 --> 00:12:10,041 Speaker 1: Yes, wish you all the best. Yes, I had so 294 00:12:10,121 --> 00:12:12,441 Speaker 1: much resistance yeah into that, and you said it so. 295 00:12:12,401 --> 00:12:14,881 Speaker 2: Beautifully, but I was like, still being respectful, but you're 296 00:12:14,921 --> 00:12:16,921 Speaker 2: honoring yourself and you're saying I'm not interested in this 297 00:12:17,041 --> 00:12:19,321 Speaker 2: right now, and he hasn't connected you since yeah, and 298 00:12:19,321 --> 00:12:19,801 Speaker 2: it's awkward. 299 00:12:20,001 --> 00:12:22,041 Speaker 1: More recently, I've noticed the part of me that's been 300 00:12:22,161 --> 00:12:24,281 Speaker 1: scared to be seen as like a bitch or yeah, 301 00:12:24,401 --> 00:12:26,321 Speaker 1: too assertive or too honest or whatever. 302 00:12:26,641 --> 00:12:29,521 Speaker 2: Where does that come from? Has someone said to you before, 303 00:12:29,521 --> 00:12:32,081 Speaker 2: you're too much, you're too bitchy, too loud. Have you 304 00:12:32,081 --> 00:12:34,041 Speaker 2: got evidence of that to make you believe that that 305 00:12:34,081 --> 00:12:35,001 Speaker 2: could be a possibility? 306 00:12:35,041 --> 00:12:36,921 Speaker 1: No, I don't think so. I think it could probably 307 00:12:36,921 --> 00:12:39,001 Speaker 1: more come from my own projections. 308 00:12:39,281 --> 00:12:41,881 Speaker 2: Okay, maybe, but you felt like someone else's too much 309 00:12:41,881 --> 00:12:42,441 Speaker 2: and too bit. 310 00:12:42,361 --> 00:12:45,361 Speaker 1: Potentially yeah, okay, yeah, maybe I still have work to 311 00:12:45,401 --> 00:12:49,001 Speaker 1: do around my associations with directness. So a part of 312 00:12:49,041 --> 00:12:51,681 Speaker 1: me resists stepping into it because I'm like, oh, maybe 313 00:12:51,721 --> 00:12:54,961 Speaker 1: directness leads to some being cold or you know, what 314 00:12:55,001 --> 00:12:57,161 Speaker 1: I mean. Yeah, so I know that there's still work 315 00:12:57,201 --> 00:12:59,601 Speaker 1: for me to do. It's like unpeeling layers for me. 316 00:12:59,761 --> 00:13:03,161 Speaker 1: You want to be perceived as like the nice girl mind, Yeah, yeah, 317 00:13:03,241 --> 00:13:06,761 Speaker 1: kind Yeah. Also, I feel like this whole year has 318 00:13:06,801 --> 00:13:10,281 Speaker 1: been about me really owning inner bitch. Yeah, we've both 319 00:13:10,321 --> 00:13:10,801 Speaker 1: been trying. 320 00:13:10,881 --> 00:13:12,841 Speaker 2: And when you say that, I feel like people listen 321 00:13:12,841 --> 00:13:14,361 Speaker 2: to be like, oh, why would you want to be bitchy? 322 00:13:14,401 --> 00:13:17,601 Speaker 2: It's not about being bitchy or disrespectful to someone else, 323 00:13:17,681 --> 00:13:20,361 Speaker 2: it's just actually owning whatever emotion comes up, yes, and 324 00:13:20,441 --> 00:13:21,681 Speaker 2: letting it be there without shame. 325 00:13:21,841 --> 00:13:24,241 Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, It's like, if I feel fiery in the moment, 326 00:13:24,401 --> 00:13:26,601 Speaker 1: allow it to come forward. If i'd feel disappointed in 327 00:13:26,641 --> 00:13:29,001 Speaker 1: the moment, let it talk about it. And that's something 328 00:13:29,041 --> 00:13:31,161 Speaker 1: you've really taught me how to do really beautifully, because 329 00:13:31,161 --> 00:13:33,361 Speaker 1: I feel like you feel your emotions as they come, 330 00:13:34,121 --> 00:13:36,521 Speaker 1: you vocalize and move through it. Yeah, and you've given 331 00:13:36,561 --> 00:13:37,841 Speaker 1: me a lot of permission to be able to do 332 00:13:37,881 --> 00:13:40,241 Speaker 1: that as well. And yeah, you did call me out 333 00:13:40,281 --> 00:13:41,921 Speaker 1: on that like a few months ago, being like, you know, 334 00:13:42,041 --> 00:13:43,841 Speaker 1: maybe you don't have to be so nice all the time, 335 00:13:43,881 --> 00:13:45,441 Speaker 1: like you can just you are nice. You don't have 336 00:13:45,481 --> 00:13:47,881 Speaker 1: to procuse and be over the top of it. Yeah, 337 00:13:47,921 --> 00:13:50,041 Speaker 1: but I was only proving me needing to be nice 338 00:13:50,041 --> 00:13:52,041 Speaker 1: because there's also, you know, a fiery side to me 339 00:13:52,081 --> 00:13:54,561 Speaker 1: that also exists that I suppressed for so many years. 340 00:13:55,081 --> 00:13:57,401 Speaker 1: So this year has been about bringing her and integrating 341 00:13:57,441 --> 00:14:00,001 Speaker 1: her and being okay to be all parts of myself. 342 00:14:00,081 --> 00:14:01,641 Speaker 2: And we talk about this often, but the more you 343 00:14:01,721 --> 00:14:03,761 Speaker 2: allow your emotions to come up, the cricker it dissolves. 344 00:14:04,041 --> 00:14:05,041 Speaker 1: It's doing it in safetime. 345 00:14:05,401 --> 00:14:07,561 Speaker 2: So it's like you and I or you might listening, 346 00:14:07,561 --> 00:14:08,801 Speaker 2: you might go to your husband, or you might go 347 00:14:08,881 --> 00:14:10,361 Speaker 2: to your best friend or your mum. Just be like, 348 00:14:10,721 --> 00:14:12,921 Speaker 2: oh my god, this fucking molebag said this to me 349 00:14:12,961 --> 00:14:15,241 Speaker 2: at work, or this this girl said this to me online, 350 00:14:15,321 --> 00:14:16,841 Speaker 2: or this really annoyed me when she did that, and 351 00:14:16,881 --> 00:14:19,321 Speaker 2: like rage about it. Like you're allowed to rage about 352 00:14:19,321 --> 00:14:21,761 Speaker 2: it and have your little moment. And I promise you 353 00:14:21,801 --> 00:14:24,481 Speaker 2: have that moment and it dissolves. But if you fester 354 00:14:24,601 --> 00:14:26,441 Speaker 2: on it and you don't voice it and you suppress it, 355 00:14:26,481 --> 00:14:28,481 Speaker 2: you park it, you try not to think about it. 356 00:14:28,601 --> 00:14:30,201 Speaker 2: I promise you it was going to get bigger and bigger. 357 00:14:30,401 --> 00:14:31,881 Speaker 2: So just like voice it, let it come up, and 358 00:14:32,001 --> 00:14:32,961 Speaker 2: you can move through it. 359 00:14:33,001 --> 00:14:35,881 Speaker 1: And even come back to that, like having hard conversations 360 00:14:35,881 --> 00:14:38,961 Speaker 1: and owning what comes up. The other night, something that 361 00:14:38,961 --> 00:14:41,721 Speaker 1: would have made me so uncomfortable was voicing a non 362 00:14:41,721 --> 00:14:44,041 Speaker 1: negotiable that I had voiced in a conversation the other night, 363 00:14:44,401 --> 00:14:46,841 Speaker 1: being like, oh, so proud of you, and I'll probably 364 00:14:46,881 --> 00:14:49,561 Speaker 1: share the story with you guys soon. Yeah, but it 365 00:14:49,641 --> 00:14:52,121 Speaker 1: was something that is a hard no for me. Yeah, 366 00:14:52,161 --> 00:14:54,521 Speaker 1: and I got faced with it. I got faced with it, 367 00:14:54,761 --> 00:14:57,161 Speaker 1: and I openly had the conversation, and I was resisting it, 368 00:14:57,161 --> 00:14:59,001 Speaker 1: and I was a little bit scared, but I was like, 369 00:14:59,001 --> 00:15:01,041 Speaker 1: you know what, like I get to have this. And 370 00:15:01,121 --> 00:15:02,641 Speaker 1: I noticed the part of me that was like, oh 371 00:15:02,721 --> 00:15:04,801 Speaker 1: is this extreme for this to be a non negotiable force? 372 00:15:05,281 --> 00:15:06,441 Speaker 1: Like is this too much? 373 00:15:06,481 --> 00:15:09,441 Speaker 2: And that's even ask me that, like is this extreme? 374 00:15:09,521 --> 00:15:10,481 Speaker 2: Like is this too much to. 375 00:15:10,441 --> 00:15:12,361 Speaker 1: Ask too much? And then I was like, you know what, No, 376 00:15:12,481 --> 00:15:14,481 Speaker 1: it's not. This is important to me and this is 377 00:15:14,521 --> 00:15:16,801 Speaker 1: based on my value, So no, it's not extreme, and 378 00:15:16,881 --> 00:15:19,001 Speaker 1: I get to have that and I openly voiced it, 379 00:15:19,361 --> 00:15:22,481 Speaker 1: and like it was received really beautifully, which is nice, 380 00:15:22,681 --> 00:15:25,561 Speaker 1: well done. It did really well. I think a big 381 00:15:25,601 --> 00:15:30,121 Speaker 1: thing about overly taking responsibility is that it actually impacts 382 00:15:30,161 --> 00:15:32,921 Speaker 1: the relationships that you're in, right, because we know that 383 00:15:33,121 --> 00:15:36,961 Speaker 1: whatever isn't voiced comes out in resentment, in energy and energy, 384 00:15:37,001 --> 00:15:39,281 Speaker 1: you know. So it's like it doesn't matter whatever it 385 00:15:39,321 --> 00:15:41,881 Speaker 1: is that you're doing. If you're overly taking responsibility, you're 386 00:15:41,921 --> 00:15:44,161 Speaker 1: suppressing the part of you that believes that the other 387 00:15:44,161 --> 00:15:46,281 Speaker 1: person has a role to play as well. Yes, you know. 388 00:15:46,361 --> 00:15:50,121 Speaker 1: And then if that person isn't acknowledging what they've partaken in, 389 00:15:50,361 --> 00:15:52,681 Speaker 1: you know, maybe you've had a fight and they've said 390 00:15:52,721 --> 00:15:55,521 Speaker 1: something nasty and they're not taking responsibility for it or 391 00:15:55,561 --> 00:15:58,561 Speaker 1: owning it or coming and resolving that with you, that's 392 00:15:58,561 --> 00:16:00,721 Speaker 1: going to lead to so much resentment because you're just 393 00:16:00,761 --> 00:16:02,561 Speaker 1: going to go, well, now I don't feel safe here. 394 00:16:02,761 --> 00:16:04,321 Speaker 2: Yeah, And that can only go on for so long. 395 00:16:04,361 --> 00:16:06,921 Speaker 2: That's right, Build and build a build. It's like a 396 00:16:07,001 --> 00:16:09,001 Speaker 2: kettle that's boiling. It'll explode one day. 397 00:16:09,201 --> 00:16:11,921 Speaker 1: Such a good analogy, isn't it. It's an interesting thing, 398 00:16:11,921 --> 00:16:14,401 Speaker 1: isn't it? As well? When we're overly taking responsibility, we're 399 00:16:14,441 --> 00:16:16,921 Speaker 1: not giving somebody else the opportunity to grow with us. 400 00:16:17,001 --> 00:16:20,281 Speaker 1: Oh my god, such a good point. We're taking responsibility 401 00:16:20,361 --> 00:16:22,921 Speaker 1: right now, we're doing too much of the work. Yeah, 402 00:16:23,121 --> 00:16:25,561 Speaker 1: we might be growing to a certain extent. The other 403 00:16:25,601 --> 00:16:27,441 Speaker 1: person is not able to come on the journey with us, 404 00:16:27,801 --> 00:16:29,881 Speaker 1: even inviting them to come with us and go, hey, 405 00:16:29,961 --> 00:16:33,601 Speaker 1: let's move through this together. Yes, it's such a good point. 406 00:16:33,601 --> 00:16:35,641 Speaker 2: I'm going to talk about a situation that happened with 407 00:16:35,681 --> 00:16:39,401 Speaker 2: you and I that was a huge eye opener for me, 408 00:16:39,921 --> 00:16:42,601 Speaker 2: and it was really uncomfortable and really scary, but it 409 00:16:42,641 --> 00:16:44,801 Speaker 2: was such a huge lesson. But I'm just like so 410 00:16:44,881 --> 00:16:47,281 Speaker 2: grateful at the way that you came to me, the 411 00:16:47,321 --> 00:16:50,081 Speaker 2: way that you approached it, and the way you allowed 412 00:16:50,081 --> 00:16:52,441 Speaker 2: me to step up and be a better friend. And 413 00:16:52,641 --> 00:16:56,321 Speaker 2: it was when I had kind of accidentally slipped something 414 00:16:56,321 --> 00:17:00,601 Speaker 2: in a conversation with a past friend and there was 415 00:17:00,641 --> 00:17:02,721 Speaker 2: no ill intentions behind it, and I know you know 416 00:17:02,801 --> 00:17:05,001 Speaker 2: there wasn't either, And I thought you probably would have 417 00:17:05,121 --> 00:17:08,001 Speaker 2: told this girl this story anyway, but it was not 418 00:17:08,121 --> 00:17:11,281 Speaker 2: my place to let that slip. And this girl had 419 00:17:11,321 --> 00:17:13,600 Speaker 2: then told you, and then you drove around to my house, 420 00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:14,600 Speaker 2: you like you need to talk to you, And I 421 00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:16,121 Speaker 2: was like, oh, my fucking gold, what's going on? 422 00:17:16,521 --> 00:17:17,880 Speaker 1: Panicking She's gonna. 423 00:17:17,721 --> 00:17:21,120 Speaker 2: Leave me, and you put your hand on my lap 424 00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:22,840 Speaker 2: and you were like, this person's come to me and 425 00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:25,440 Speaker 2: let me know that you said this. And then I 426 00:17:25,481 --> 00:17:27,760 Speaker 2: explained the situation and it was all good. But I 427 00:17:27,801 --> 00:17:30,120 Speaker 2: was just like, I'm so glad that you didn't just 428 00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:32,601 Speaker 2: shove that under the rug. Let it sit there, Let 429 00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:35,241 Speaker 2: it be heavy on your heart, not voice how you felt, 430 00:17:35,281 --> 00:17:38,080 Speaker 2: because that would build up resentment, it would also put 431 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:40,761 Speaker 2: cracks in our friendship. It'll also make you not trust me, 432 00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:43,401 Speaker 2: and you didn't get to get the context around it. 433 00:17:43,561 --> 00:17:45,561 Speaker 2: And it was also just a really massive lesson for 434 00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:48,201 Speaker 2: me of just being way more conscious of the conversations 435 00:17:48,241 --> 00:17:50,761 Speaker 2: that I'm having and to not let them slip. I 436 00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:53,200 Speaker 2: was a bit too casual and trusting of this other person, 437 00:17:53,241 --> 00:17:55,080 Speaker 2: and it just it came out. But it was such 438 00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:56,440 Speaker 2: a big lesson for me, And it was also a 439 00:17:56,481 --> 00:18:00,160 Speaker 2: beautiful example for me to see in those moments where 440 00:18:00,241 --> 00:18:03,641 Speaker 2: I need to have hard conversations, how beautifully it can 441 00:18:03,801 --> 00:18:07,001 Speaker 2: be done to actually bring closeness. And I remember you 442 00:18:07,041 --> 00:18:09,400 Speaker 2: saying to me, because you're obviously well aware of my wound, 443 00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:11,400 Speaker 2: You're like, I'm just letting you know I'm not leaving 444 00:18:11,561 --> 00:18:14,681 Speaker 2: We're all good, nothing's wrong. This is just a moment 445 00:18:14,721 --> 00:18:18,001 Speaker 2: where we get to talk about this. And communication and 446 00:18:18,041 --> 00:18:21,041 Speaker 2: transparency are such high values of both of ours. And 447 00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:23,041 Speaker 2: if I ever do anything like this or anything comes 448 00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:24,801 Speaker 2: up for you, this is how I want you to 449 00:18:24,801 --> 00:18:26,920 Speaker 2: come to me. So you fully led the way. I 450 00:18:26,961 --> 00:18:29,440 Speaker 2: was like, wow, so that point that you just said 451 00:18:29,481 --> 00:18:32,520 Speaker 2: that by not voicing your truth, you're not giving that 452 00:18:32,561 --> 00:18:36,120 Speaker 2: person opportunity to grow and we get to grow and 453 00:18:36,201 --> 00:18:38,400 Speaker 2: learn and do things better. And how amazing if you 454 00:18:38,481 --> 00:18:40,840 Speaker 2: have people in life that are leading the way with that. 455 00:18:41,001 --> 00:18:43,400 Speaker 2: And I've always talked about Megazie. She's just been such 456 00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:46,920 Speaker 2: a huge inspiration for me in so many ways. And 457 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:49,840 Speaker 2: the way she teaches me isn't by preaching or shoving 458 00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:52,400 Speaker 2: things down my throat or telling me I'm wrong or 459 00:18:52,441 --> 00:18:55,240 Speaker 2: bad or whatever. She just leads by example. It's like, 460 00:18:55,281 --> 00:18:56,760 Speaker 2: that's the kind of parent I want to be. And 461 00:18:56,761 --> 00:18:58,761 Speaker 2: it's also you showed me that's the kind of friend 462 00:18:58,801 --> 00:19:01,200 Speaker 2: that I want to be. So thank you for that. 463 00:19:01,321 --> 00:19:03,840 Speaker 2: And I wanted to share that because it's just such 464 00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:06,240 Speaker 2: an important life lesson that it doesn't have to be 465 00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:08,521 Speaker 2: as hard and uncomfortable when it was a hard conversation, 466 00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:11,401 Speaker 2: but it can be so beautiful and so connecting, and 467 00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:15,600 Speaker 2: you get to choose how the kind of relationships that 468 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:19,001 Speaker 2: you have in your life. But to have those deep, safe, 469 00:19:19,241 --> 00:19:23,200 Speaker 2: connected friendships and dynamics, you have to be that and 470 00:19:23,241 --> 00:19:26,921 Speaker 2: that requires sitting in the discomfort and creating safety and 471 00:19:27,001 --> 00:19:29,241 Speaker 2: looking at your body language and your tone of voice 472 00:19:29,281 --> 00:19:33,160 Speaker 2: and reassurance, understanding their wounds. There's so many layers to it, 473 00:19:33,201 --> 00:19:35,281 Speaker 2: but that's what it takes to make a relationship work. 474 00:19:35,561 --> 00:19:38,001 Speaker 2: You can't just expect things to be fucking honky doory 475 00:19:38,041 --> 00:19:40,401 Speaker 2: all the time. So true, it doesn't work like that, 476 00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:42,960 Speaker 2: does it, But yeah, thank you for that. It's just 477 00:19:43,001 --> 00:19:45,080 Speaker 2: been so beautiful with such a huge moment for me. 478 00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:47,041 Speaker 2: And I remember going inside just boiling my eyes and 479 00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:47,600 Speaker 2: crying out. 480 00:19:47,801 --> 00:19:50,200 Speaker 1: I know, I'm gonna cry. Why am I emotional? 481 00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:53,921 Speaker 2: My period? But like the thought of losing you open 482 00:19:53,961 --> 00:19:56,481 Speaker 2: that I was like never and it was just such 483 00:19:56,481 --> 00:19:57,080 Speaker 2: a cool lesson. 484 00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:58,801 Speaker 1: It was so beautiful, and. 485 00:19:58,761 --> 00:20:01,160 Speaker 2: It was also a moment for me of like I 486 00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:03,600 Speaker 2: can make a mistake and still be loved, Whereas in 487 00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:07,041 Speaker 2: the past when I've made mistakes and I've lost friends, it's. 488 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:08,361 Speaker 1: Like, oh, I have to be perfect. 489 00:20:08,921 --> 00:20:11,640 Speaker 2: I can't ever slip up, I can't ever make a mistake, 490 00:20:11,681 --> 00:20:14,200 Speaker 2: I can't ever do the wrong thing. So I'm going 491 00:20:14,241 --> 00:20:18,480 Speaker 2: to suppress, park internalize, and be the nice girl to 492 00:20:18,561 --> 00:20:21,480 Speaker 2: keep this relationship or friendship. And then when I had 493 00:20:21,481 --> 00:20:23,120 Speaker 2: that evidence of you, I'm like, I don't have to 494 00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:25,120 Speaker 2: do that, and I don't ever want to do that again. 495 00:20:25,561 --> 00:20:27,961 Speaker 2: That's felt so painful the last ten years having friendships 496 00:20:28,001 --> 00:20:30,201 Speaker 2: where I've had to be like that, and it like said, 497 00:20:30,201 --> 00:20:32,120 Speaker 2: a new standard of what I want in my life. 498 00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:34,801 Speaker 2: And then that trickled into my intimate relationship with Steve, 499 00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:37,321 Speaker 2: and like, wow, now I see how I can bring 500 00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:39,801 Speaker 2: hard conversations to him with more calm and ease and 501 00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:44,440 Speaker 2: reassurance rather than suppressing or attacking or criticizing. So it 502 00:20:44,481 --> 00:20:46,360 Speaker 2: was really beautiful and I just hope me sharing that 503 00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:49,521 Speaker 2: inspires someone else to have a hard conversation in a 504 00:20:49,561 --> 00:20:50,201 Speaker 2: beautiful way. 505 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,801 Speaker 1: Yeah, it was a hard conversation to have, but even 506 00:20:52,801 --> 00:20:55,840 Speaker 1: from my perspective of bringing that conversation in, it was 507 00:20:55,880 --> 00:21:00,721 Speaker 1: from a place of oh, wow, I want to create closeness, 508 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:03,321 Speaker 1: like I want to protect, I want to preserve, I 509 00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:07,441 Speaker 1: want to nurture our relationship and I just have seen 510 00:21:07,481 --> 00:21:09,681 Speaker 1: it so many times and I have so much evidence 511 00:21:09,681 --> 00:21:12,681 Speaker 1: of it. Of like the open communication is what creates 512 00:21:12,721 --> 00:21:17,400 Speaker 1: deeper connections, and anyone who parks things, sweeps things, sweeps 513 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:19,960 Speaker 1: them under the rug, like they all end up drifting apart. 514 00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:22,801 Speaker 1: I heard someone say this concept once and it was like, 515 00:21:22,961 --> 00:21:25,080 Speaker 1: the problem in your relationship is what sits between you 516 00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:28,480 Speaker 1: and your partner on the couch. And it just it 517 00:21:28,721 --> 00:21:31,240 Speaker 1: really landed for me, and now I see that in 518 00:21:31,281 --> 00:21:34,041 Speaker 1: every relationship. I'm like, anything that sits between us on 519 00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:36,480 Speaker 1: the couch is the problem of the relationship and is 520 00:21:36,481 --> 00:21:39,521 Speaker 1: the thing that's keeping us disconnected. And so for me 521 00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:41,840 Speaker 1: coming in for that conversation was like, I want to 522 00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:43,521 Speaker 1: bring us in close. I love you, and I don't 523 00:21:43,521 --> 00:21:45,120 Speaker 1: want to leave. I don't want to go anywhere. The 524 00:21:45,201 --> 00:21:47,641 Speaker 1: problem we talk about it. It's going to talk about it. 525 00:21:47,761 --> 00:21:49,840 Speaker 1: And I remember this girl coming to me in this 526 00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:52,481 Speaker 1: conversation having happened, and then within an hour I was like, babe, 527 00:21:52,481 --> 00:21:53,520 Speaker 1: pinny talk. Yeah. 528 00:21:53,801 --> 00:21:56,400 Speaker 2: I was like I'm coming, You're like I'm driving you. 529 00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:58,840 Speaker 1: I'm like, can I come out? Yeah? Yeah? 530 00:21:58,921 --> 00:21:59,121 Speaker 2: Yeah. 531 00:21:59,120 --> 00:22:01,321 Speaker 1: It was really beautiful. Yeah, it was nice. I think 532 00:22:01,360 --> 00:22:03,441 Speaker 1: it's you know, one of those things. We have lots 533 00:22:03,441 --> 00:22:05,801 Speaker 1: of little pieces of evidence now in friendship where we 534 00:22:05,801 --> 00:22:08,521 Speaker 1: can have hard conversations and we are so safe for 535 00:22:08,561 --> 00:22:10,561 Speaker 1: each other that I know even things that come up 536 00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:11,961 Speaker 1: in the future, I know we'll be able to deal 537 00:22:12,001 --> 00:22:14,241 Speaker 1: with them. You know, We've got a lot of uncomfortable 538 00:22:14,241 --> 00:22:17,000 Speaker 1: conversations recently. Triggers and things like that have come up 539 00:22:17,041 --> 00:22:17,401 Speaker 1: for us. 540 00:22:17,561 --> 00:22:19,360 Speaker 2: I feel like when people hear that that we knows 541 00:22:19,360 --> 00:22:22,080 Speaker 2: you to what it is, they're uncomfortable, but they're also 542 00:22:22,281 --> 00:22:24,360 Speaker 2: so beautiful because every time that happens, like we have 543 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:25,601 Speaker 2: one the other day. I'm not going to go into 544 00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:27,920 Speaker 2: what it was about, because it's just it was so silly, 545 00:22:28,001 --> 00:22:31,561 Speaker 2: but both of them. We got home and I was like, 546 00:22:31,921 --> 00:22:33,481 Speaker 2: oh my gosh, was I too much? 547 00:22:33,521 --> 00:22:34,520 Speaker 1: Then I shouldn't have said that. 548 00:22:34,681 --> 00:22:37,241 Speaker 2: I got so in my head. I messaged you. I'm like, oh, 549 00:22:37,241 --> 00:22:39,281 Speaker 2: I'm feeling anxious, and then she sends a photo back 550 00:22:39,321 --> 00:22:41,281 Speaker 2: with a tear and eye and like, I'm feeling anxious too. 551 00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:43,921 Speaker 2: So I called you straight away and FaceTime and both 552 00:22:43,921 --> 00:22:45,801 Speaker 2: of us just like, oh my gosh, what's coming up. 553 00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:47,400 Speaker 2: I'm like, I just felt like I shouldn't have said that. 554 00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:48,841 Speaker 2: All that was too far and you're like, no, no, no, 555 00:22:49,041 --> 00:22:50,880 Speaker 2: I felt guilty because I said this, And it was 556 00:22:50,961 --> 00:22:54,041 Speaker 2: just like both of us were in it and both 557 00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:56,120 Speaker 2: feeling like we've done the wrong thing, and then we 558 00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:58,161 Speaker 2: both just got to reassure each other. It's like, it's 559 00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:00,721 Speaker 2: not you, it's not me. It's just this little situation 560 00:23:00,801 --> 00:23:04,120 Speaker 2: that we're just figuring out how to do that that thing. Yeah, 561 00:23:04,321 --> 00:23:07,721 Speaker 2: it was really funny and beautiful and emotional and all 562 00:23:07,761 --> 00:23:09,840 Speaker 2: in one, but like, yeah, we did it together. We 563 00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:11,521 Speaker 2: did it, and it just once again brings you so 564 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:13,920 Speaker 2: much closer. Yeah, and this isn't to brag about our 565 00:23:13,961 --> 00:23:15,680 Speaker 2: friendship and how amazing it is. It is, but we 566 00:23:15,721 --> 00:23:17,801 Speaker 2: want to talk about this so that we're evidence for 567 00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:21,120 Speaker 2: you that you can have these hard conversations and trust us, 568 00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:23,001 Speaker 2: it brings you closer to the people that you love. 569 00:23:23,441 --> 00:23:25,481 Speaker 1: And because we both have the same wounds as well, 570 00:23:25,561 --> 00:23:27,681 Speaker 1: make it easier. It does make it easier because we know, 571 00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:30,281 Speaker 1: like we both behave the same way we're we're triggered, 572 00:23:30,721 --> 00:23:32,321 Speaker 1: so then we know how to support each other in 573 00:23:32,360 --> 00:23:35,121 Speaker 1: these moments. And so even that conversation we had on FaceTime, 574 00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:38,041 Speaker 1: after five minutes on FaceTime, we were good and luffing again. 575 00:23:37,961 --> 00:23:39,521 Speaker 2: You're like, I'm off to do this. I'm like, shit, 576 00:23:39,561 --> 00:23:39,921 Speaker 2: I'm off. 577 00:23:40,001 --> 00:23:41,881 Speaker 1: Yeah, and it was the best, and then I think 578 00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:43,640 Speaker 1: it came up. We had something else that happened like 579 00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:44,840 Speaker 1: two days later of the same thing. 580 00:23:44,880 --> 00:23:46,321 Speaker 2: Yeah, and we were just like, not bring it in. 581 00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:48,561 Speaker 2: We're feeling good. 582 00:23:48,001 --> 00:23:49,961 Speaker 1: It's good. Yeah. 583 00:23:50,001 --> 00:23:53,080 Speaker 2: The more that you practice having these harder conversations and 584 00:23:53,201 --> 00:23:56,960 Speaker 2: being true, not blaming or not overtaking responsibility, the more 585 00:23:57,080 --> 00:24:00,080 Speaker 2: natural it feels, and actually the less uncomfortable. It feels like, 586 00:24:00,120 --> 00:24:02,281 Speaker 2: it doesn't feel as uncomfortable as what it did that 587 00:24:02,441 --> 00:24:04,561 Speaker 2: very first time, because it's like, I know, this gets 588 00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:05,881 Speaker 2: to be played for on fun and we come out 589 00:24:05,921 --> 00:24:06,840 Speaker 2: the other side of no matter what. 590 00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:08,361 Speaker 1: That's so true, you know, and I think as well, 591 00:24:08,360 --> 00:24:10,801 Speaker 1: when you have two people who are willing, who also 592 00:24:11,041 --> 00:24:13,801 Speaker 1: have awareness of like, okay, each person gets to share 593 00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:16,521 Speaker 1: their experience. Yes, it's like I share experience. You get 594 00:24:16,561 --> 00:24:18,640 Speaker 1: to share your experience. Then we bring it together. Yeah, 595 00:24:18,681 --> 00:24:22,481 Speaker 1: it's not you're wrong, I'm right. That didn't happen over 596 00:24:22,521 --> 00:24:24,961 Speaker 1: talking each other, no dismissing, no, none of that. It's 597 00:24:24,961 --> 00:24:26,681 Speaker 1: like we're just holding space for each other. We get 598 00:24:26,681 --> 00:24:28,720 Speaker 1: to be there to hear what the other person has 599 00:24:28,801 --> 00:24:30,361 Speaker 1: to say, and then we get to love on each 600 00:24:30,360 --> 00:24:33,920 Speaker 1: other harder in that And so in that automatically you 601 00:24:33,961 --> 00:24:37,880 Speaker 1: were equally taking responsibility for suns that we've said done, 602 00:24:38,001 --> 00:24:40,561 Speaker 1: showed up as, and then we get to do the 603 00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:43,481 Speaker 1: repair together. Yes, which often is just a conversation. I 604 00:24:43,521 --> 00:24:45,041 Speaker 1: think for anyone listening to it, it's like, Okay, I've 605 00:24:45,041 --> 00:24:46,801 Speaker 1: got to have this conversation. How do I have that? 606 00:24:47,241 --> 00:24:49,080 Speaker 2: In my experience with Tiana, the wheen I just spoke 607 00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:51,001 Speaker 2: about it was a lot of reassurance. So she started 608 00:24:51,001 --> 00:24:52,600 Speaker 2: it out with they just want you to know this 609 00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:54,960 Speaker 2: doesn't change our friendship. This hasn't change the way I 610 00:24:54,961 --> 00:24:57,200 Speaker 2: feel about you, This hasn't change what we're doing together. 611 00:24:57,761 --> 00:25:00,120 Speaker 2: Nothing's changed. I just want to talk to you about 612 00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:03,241 Speaker 2: how this happened. Yes, So that immediately, because I walked 613 00:25:03,321 --> 00:25:04,801 Speaker 2: into that thinking, oh my god, she's going to end 614 00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:08,880 Speaker 2: up you know, So that reassurance straight away allowed me 615 00:25:08,961 --> 00:25:11,440 Speaker 2: to soften, take a breath, go back to that moment, 616 00:25:11,481 --> 00:25:14,041 Speaker 2: and then I could explain what happened and you're like, oh, 617 00:25:14,441 --> 00:25:16,041 Speaker 2: I can see yeah, yeah, that happens. 618 00:25:16,120 --> 00:25:16,561 Speaker 1: Yeah. 619 00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:18,600 Speaker 2: So I think if you're going into a hard conversation. 620 00:25:19,201 --> 00:25:21,080 Speaker 2: Make sure you're really regulated, like I could tell you 621 00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:24,360 Speaker 2: it was super regulated. Take some breaths, get clear on 622 00:25:24,561 --> 00:25:26,561 Speaker 2: what it is you're talking about and the outcome that 623 00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:28,480 Speaker 2: you would like. And then if you can start it 624 00:25:28,481 --> 00:25:32,600 Speaker 2: with some reassurance, because if that person is anxious or avoidant, 625 00:25:33,281 --> 00:25:36,281 Speaker 2: they need reassurance that everything's going to be okay. And 626 00:25:36,321 --> 00:25:38,000 Speaker 2: that's how I would start it and lead with it. 627 00:25:38,041 --> 00:25:39,960 Speaker 2: You spoke about like how it made you feel, and 628 00:25:40,001 --> 00:25:42,561 Speaker 2: you were just like curious on how it happened. Yes, 629 00:25:42,721 --> 00:25:44,640 Speaker 2: it wasn't like I can't believe you did this, this 630 00:25:44,801 --> 00:25:46,680 Speaker 2: is fucked. It was like I'm just really wondering, like 631 00:25:46,721 --> 00:25:49,160 Speaker 2: how this situation happened, what was said? 632 00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:51,360 Speaker 1: What was the context? And I was like, okay, I 633 00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:53,120 Speaker 1: believe I even said, like did this happen? 634 00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:53,600 Speaker 2: Yes? 635 00:25:53,681 --> 00:25:55,240 Speaker 1: You know. It was more of like a coming in 636 00:25:55,281 --> 00:25:58,281 Speaker 1: from like a wanting to understand as opposed to like 637 00:25:58,481 --> 00:26:01,401 Speaker 1: finger pointing or blame yeah, anything like that. I'm like, okay, cool, 638 00:26:01,441 --> 00:26:02,721 Speaker 1: Like I just want to like I want to learn, 639 00:26:02,721 --> 00:26:04,680 Speaker 1: I want to understand, and like what can we do 640 00:26:04,721 --> 00:26:06,880 Speaker 1: from here? Yes, and what can we do next time 641 00:26:06,921 --> 00:26:09,561 Speaker 1: that would feel better for both? Yeah, And that's the 642 00:26:09,801 --> 00:26:11,641 Speaker 1: conflict resolution. It really is. 643 00:26:11,801 --> 00:26:14,201 Speaker 2: So I hope that's really helpful for anyone listening, because 644 00:26:14,201 --> 00:26:17,001 Speaker 2: hard conversations are something that you cannot not avoid, like 645 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:19,480 Speaker 2: you have to have them, and if you don't, and 646 00:26:19,561 --> 00:26:21,680 Speaker 2: you're always going to be the nice girl that takes 647 00:26:21,681 --> 00:26:26,321 Speaker 2: all the responsibility, you are just disservicing yourself. You're abandoning yourself, 648 00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:27,761 Speaker 2: and you're going to feel the resentment. You're going to 649 00:26:27,801 --> 00:26:29,480 Speaker 2: feel the sadness, you're going to feel lonely, You're going 650 00:26:29,521 --> 00:26:32,721 Speaker 2: to feel disconnected. You're not going to have the relationships 651 00:26:32,801 --> 00:26:36,001 Speaker 2: that I know that you desire, So honor yourself and 652 00:26:36,041 --> 00:26:37,281 Speaker 2: do it in a kind, respectful way. 653 00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:39,840 Speaker 1: So beautiful. Even as a piece of evidence, it's the 654 00:26:39,921 --> 00:26:42,561 Speaker 1: connection will always feel deeper after you've had that conversation. 655 00:26:42,721 --> 00:26:45,680 Speaker 1: So much because we will have conversations and then immediately 656 00:26:45,761 --> 00:26:47,880 Speaker 1: like and we go deep by into the friendship. You know, 657 00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:49,920 Speaker 1: every single time. We have so much evidence of that, 658 00:26:50,001 --> 00:26:51,760 Speaker 1: and I know you feel like that for you, For 659 00:26:51,801 --> 00:26:54,120 Speaker 1: you who is listening, whether that be in your intimate 660 00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:57,361 Speaker 1: relationships with your friends, family, whoever it is you need 661 00:26:57,441 --> 00:27:01,920 Speaker 1: to openly communicate with and share responsibility with. Yeah, love it. 662 00:27:02,481 --> 00:27:04,680 Speaker 2: Thank you for joining us. And if you guys have 663 00:27:04,681 --> 00:27:07,600 Speaker 2: any fee or questions on this or maybe you are 664 00:27:07,721 --> 00:27:09,801 Speaker 2: stuck in a situation you don't know how to have 665 00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:12,201 Speaker 2: that hard conversation. Maybe you'd like us to role play 666 00:27:12,241 --> 00:27:14,521 Speaker 2: or give some advice. We have our Bestie segment every 667 00:27:14,521 --> 00:27:17,441 Speaker 2: single Tuesday, so in the description box below you can 668 00:27:17,761 --> 00:27:21,241 Speaker 2: submit a anonymous submission. Give us all the context in situations. 669 00:27:21,281 --> 00:27:23,161 Speaker 2: We're more than happy to have that conversation on our 670 00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:23,880 Speaker 2: Tuesday segment. 671 00:27:24,001 --> 00:27:25,721 Speaker 1: Sounds good bye bye,