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Speaker 1: Doctor Stanley Beacham, welcome back to the podcast for a

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Speaker 1: third time.

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Speaker 2: Thank you, Paul. It's good to see you again. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: I like your haircut.

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Speaker 3: Man.

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Speaker 1: It's it's particularly good to say you because, well, we've

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Speaker 1: both been through a little bump in the last few

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Speaker 1: years since we last talked, haven't we. My listeners are

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Speaker 1: very familiar with my little heck up kid.

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Speaker 3: Just talk our listeners through years.

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Speaker 2: So in July of twenty twenty three, I was diagnosed

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Speaker 2: with acute probalystic leukemia. It's a type of leukemia that's

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Speaker 2: a it's a genetic transformation. They don't even know what

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Speaker 2: causes it, so it's not like you've got exposed to something.

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Speaker 2: It's just one of these random acts of the universe.

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Speaker 2: About four people and a million get it. Anyway. I got. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: I was getting kind of My health was deteriorate and

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Speaker 2: I couldn't figure out what was going on. I thought

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Speaker 2: I had brian kitis because I was having trouble in

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Speaker 2: my chest and you know, breathing. So I called the

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Speaker 2: doctor about getting an inhaler and she said, well, when

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Speaker 2: you come in, we'll check your blood. And so at

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Speaker 2: ten thirty at night, I get a call from the

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Speaker 2: doctor's office telling me to go to the emergency room shits.

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Speaker 2: And I was like, I'll go in the morning, you know,

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Speaker 2: and they're like, you know, I told the nurses, said

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Speaker 2: just tell the doctor. I'll go in the morning. She said,

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Speaker 2: let me call the doctor back. So she calls me

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Speaker 2: about fifty minutes later and she says, no, you don't

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Speaker 2: have that kind of time. You need to go tonight.

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Speaker 2: So I found out about seven o'clock the next morning

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Speaker 2: that I had leukemia, which explained why I you know,

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Speaker 2: it felt so bad, you know, for the last several weeks,

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Speaker 2: and I got to stay in the ICU for twenty

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Speaker 2: five days. She and they started my chemo, which lasted

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Speaker 2: one hundred rounds of chemo. So I started chemo in

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Speaker 2: July of twenty three and I finished it in February

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Speaker 2: of last year. And you know, it was sitting in

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Speaker 2: the hospital for twenty five days with kind of nothing

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Speaker 2: to do. Yeah, you know, that was that was actually

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Speaker 2: really interesting just to observe how I was experiencing that,

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Speaker 2: and it was it was interesting because it was really

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Speaker 2: clear to me that I might die and that I was,

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Speaker 2: you know, close to the edge. Yes, and after I

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Speaker 2: got over the surprise of that and realized, yeah, I'm

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Speaker 2: you know, I'm in a really vulnerable place right now,

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Speaker 2: I kind of went straight into like, Okay, what do

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Speaker 2: I want to do with this? And so I kind

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Speaker 2: of made a promise to myself that I wouldn't be

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Speaker 2: become a victim of it all, you know, and feel

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Speaker 2: like I got a bad shake, if you will. And

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Speaker 2: so I did things like when I got up in

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Speaker 2: the morning, I would get out of the bed and

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Speaker 2: I wouldn't get back in my bed. I would you know,

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Speaker 2: sit in the chair. And I even walked around some

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Speaker 2: after I got feeling better. And I never wore the

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Speaker 2: hospital clothes. I had my own clothes and I wore

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Speaker 2: my own clothes. And so I found you know that,

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Speaker 2: you know, just like in any life situation, there's some

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Speaker 2: things you have no control over, which can be a

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Speaker 2: lot of things, but there's always one or two things

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Speaker 2: that you can take ownership of. And I knew this

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Speaker 2: from my own work and my own study, and that

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Speaker 2: you focus on the things you have control over, not

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Speaker 2: the things that you don't have control over.

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Speaker 3: Yes, And.

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Speaker 2: So you know, wearing my own clothes and really the

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Speaker 2: only other decision I got to make was, you know,

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Speaker 2: what I had to eat. You know, they would come

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Speaker 2: around in the morning with the menu and I could

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Speaker 2: pick my food. Of course, I was limited on the

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Speaker 2: things that I could pick, but I really just got

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Speaker 2: focused on, you know, controlling the things that I could

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Speaker 2: control and accepting the fact that, you know, this may

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Speaker 2: not end well for me. Yeah, but I can control

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Speaker 2: my attitude and my approach to it, and so yeah,

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Speaker 2: it was.

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Speaker 3: It was.

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Speaker 2: I mean, actually I look back on it. I look

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Speaker 2: back on it kind of fondly because I think it

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Speaker 2: really informed me. I think, you know, I'm just more

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Speaker 2: aware of the fact that there's a randomness to the

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Speaker 2: universe that affects all of us, but we don't think

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Speaker 2: about it because the way I think most of us

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Speaker 2: live our lives, we act as if we have control

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Speaker 2: over things that we really don't. It's absolutely like we're

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Speaker 2: just not conscious of how vulnerable we are. That you

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Speaker 2: know that any moment, you know, your life can can

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Speaker 2: change in a significant way, and so you know, living

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Speaker 2: through something like that for such an extended period of time,

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Speaker 2: I just I just see that now as kind of

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Speaker 2: the new norm, you know, Like, but it's always been

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Speaker 2: that way. I just didn't know it. It wasn't so

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Speaker 2: much that life changed, it's just my awareness and how

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Speaker 2: I thought about it, you know. And and this the

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Speaker 2: concept of being vulnerable and that there's no promises and

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Speaker 2: no guarantees. So when I was in the hospital and

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Speaker 2: I see you for twenty five days, I thought a

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Speaker 2: lot about you know, if I live, what am I

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Speaker 2: going to do differently? Because I said, I can't just

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Speaker 2: go back to doing, you know, things exactly the way

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Speaker 2: I did. And I think what I learned in that

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Speaker 2: time is that the things that I take the most

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Speaker 2: joy from and appreciate the most or actually just simple

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Speaker 2: basic things like you know, going for a walk, you know,

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Speaker 2: having having a meal with some friends, that it's not

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Speaker 2: you know, it's not the big stuff, you know that

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Speaker 2: most people think is what makes life great. I think

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Speaker 2: it's the simple day to day activities that is really

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Speaker 2: what it's about. I'll tell you a quick story. There

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Speaker 2: was a guy in the hospital with me and he

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Speaker 2: left and so I just I thought he was fine.

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Speaker 2: And he came back about two weeks later, and I

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Speaker 2: was I could walk around on the unit, but I

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Speaker 2: couldn't leave the unit. It was kind of like being

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Speaker 2: incarcerated in prison, because you know, we have no immune system,

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Speaker 2: so you can't leave the unit because you're too vulnerable

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Speaker 2: to get sick. So but you had to put a

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Speaker 2: mask on when you left your own room, and people

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Speaker 2: had to put a mask when they came into your

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Speaker 2: room and cover themselves up, you know, in plastic gowns

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Speaker 2: and the whole thing. And so I remember talking to

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Speaker 2: this guy and I said, you know, what are you

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Speaker 2: back for? And he said, well, I think it was

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Speaker 2: either T cells or a bone marre transplant, can't remember.

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Speaker 2: He said, I'm back to get this transplant. And I said,

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Speaker 2: so what's that supposed to do for you? And he said,

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Speaker 2: they tell me if I do this, I can live

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Speaker 2: three more months. And this is a guy that was

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Speaker 2: about forty and I was sixty one at the time,

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Speaker 2: and he's saying this very matter of fact, you know,

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Speaker 2: I mean, there's no emotion in his voice. It's just like,

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Speaker 2: you know, just two guys have a conversation. And I said,

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Speaker 2: what are you going to do with your time? And

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Speaker 2: he's like, well, I'd like to go to the beach

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Speaker 2: one more time. And then he said, then I just

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Speaker 2: you know, I just want to sit on my back

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Speaker 2: porch with my dogs and watch him running around in

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Speaker 2: the yard. And he was he was serious about this,

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Speaker 2: and that was kind of my first cue was like, Yeah,

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Speaker 2: that's what That's what makes life really good, you know

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Speaker 2: and delicious. Is you enjoy you know, watching your dogs

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Speaker 2: play in the backyard or you know, watching your kid

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Speaker 2: crawl around on the floor, or you know, having a

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Speaker 2: meal with a friend. It's not all the big stuff.

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Speaker 2: So that's that's really stayed with me, and that's really

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Speaker 2: been helpful.

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Speaker 3: That that's that's interesting.

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Speaker 1: Stand that that that was the big thing that you

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Speaker 1: took from it.

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Speaker 3: I had just mentioned to you.

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Speaker 1: Look, and all my listeners know that I went through

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Speaker 1: open heart surgery, which was a bit of a surprise,

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Speaker 1: finding out from a check with my cardiologist that I

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Speaker 1: was born with the dodgy valve that would kill me.

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Speaker 3: And I remember.

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Speaker 1: Walking out of there and him saying to me, you

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Speaker 1: need to have open heart surgery and going home.

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Speaker 3: The first thing.

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Speaker 1: It's interesting, isn't it that that that what you expose

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Speaker 1: yourself to tends to come up in those moments. And

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Speaker 1: you've had a life of being a psychologist, working and

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Speaker 1: you've wrote a brilliant book called Elite Minds, and you've

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Speaker 1: worked with the lead athletes about optimizing the mind all

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Speaker 1: your life. You've work with business consultants. I'm in a

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Speaker 1: similar space, but as you probably know, I'm quite into

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Speaker 1: stoic philosophy and awards of Seneca rung in my ears

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Speaker 1: as I walked out of the Earth, which was I

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Speaker 1: pitied the man who's not faced adversity because he's not

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Speaker 1: faced an opponent, and nobody, not even him, knows what

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Speaker 1: he's capable of. And I remember going home and I

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Speaker 1: wrote the words worthy opponent on my bathroom mirror, and

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Speaker 1: my whole idea was this was my worthy opponent that

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Speaker 1: was going to test and develop me. But it's only

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Speaker 1: because of all the stuff that I've been exposed to

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Speaker 1: that then kicks in right and my natural bent and

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Speaker 1: probably yours as well, because I'm a ridiculous optimist and

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Speaker 1: I'm going this is all going to be fine. But

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Speaker 1: I actually had to remember forcing myself and going, no,

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Speaker 1: you need to find out exactly what the risks are,

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Speaker 1: and you need to prepare yourself.

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Speaker 3: So I'm you go ahead, you go now.

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Speaker 2: I was just saying, I remember thinking to myself, I'm

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Speaker 2: going to find out if I'm a hypocrite because all

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Speaker 2: the things that I've been, you know, telling other people

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Speaker 2: you know, to think about or how to approach it.

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Speaker 2: And I remember thinking, I remember asking myself the question like,

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Speaker 2: are you going to become a hypocrite? You know, are

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Speaker 2: you going to become a victim of all of this

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Speaker 2: and feel sorry for yourself? And you know you're talking

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Speaker 2: about the stoics, you know, I love this saying a

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Speaker 2: more fate, you know, lover of faith, Yes, you know?

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Speaker 2: Of really if you here's here's the way I think

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Speaker 2: about it. If you can really want your life and

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Speaker 2: not somebody else's life, If you can want your fate

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Speaker 2: even if it means you die younger than you wanted to,

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Speaker 2: or you know, you lose a loved one or whatever.

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Speaker 1: Uh.

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Speaker 2: If you can really understand the the acceptance and then

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Speaker 2: the love of one's fate, then you have no regrets

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Speaker 2: and nothing bad happens to you, right. I mean you

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Speaker 2: can think of having leukemia or having heart surgery as

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Speaker 2: you know, a bad thing, and people say, I'm sorry, Well,

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Speaker 2: it doesn't have to be that way, you know. I mean,

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Speaker 2: I talk to people in business, you know, and that

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Speaker 2: you know, they lose a lot of money or they

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Speaker 2: lose their business and you know, and they recovered from

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Speaker 2: it away and they look back on it and say,

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Speaker 2: you know, thank God, I learned that lesson early on. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: you know, I'm glad I went bankrupt when I was

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Speaker 2: thirty and you know, when I'm sixty. And I know

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Speaker 2: it sounds kind of trivial to you know, to say

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Speaker 2: that out loud, but it's really quite possible that you

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Speaker 2: can fall in love with your own life, in the

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Speaker 2: fate of your own life, even the tragedy of it.

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Speaker 2: Because I can tell you what, when I was in

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Speaker 2: ICU for twenty five days, you know, getting you know, leukemia,

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Speaker 2: every day I felt more alive in that hospital room

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Speaker 2: than I think I ever have my entire life. I mean,

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Speaker 2: I was fully aware, my mind was you know, I

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Speaker 2: was paying attention to every moment, and I was really deliberate,

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Speaker 2: intentional about simple things that, you know, simple decisions, because

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Speaker 2: even the simple decisions had some value to me.

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Speaker 1: Yes, yes, And that it's really interesting that you bring

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Speaker 1: up amor Fatty that love of feet, because you know,

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Speaker 1: the the the thing.

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Speaker 3: I've been a big believer.

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Speaker 1: In fact, I've got a tattoo on my arm and

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Speaker 1: memento Maury. So particularly Marcus Aurelius said to himself over

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Speaker 1: and over again, remember that you are mortal, Marcus. And

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Speaker 1: his whole idea was to remember it, not to be morose,

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Speaker 1: but to remind yourself that life is a precious gift.

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Speaker 1: And so when I found out, I forced myself to

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Speaker 1: go and look at the what's the risks of death?

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Speaker 1: And then I forced myself to contemplate my own death. Now,

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Speaker 1: my risk of dying was surprisingly low, actually less than

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Speaker 1: one percent fatalities on the operating table, and I thought, well,

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Speaker 1: I'm pretty fit.

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Speaker 3: I've got a good chance.

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Speaker 1: But I actually forced myself to confront that possibility, not

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Speaker 1: to be negative, but from that perspective of the sort

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Speaker 1: of Japanese psychology slant of Arugamama, with things as.

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Speaker 3: They are, what needs to be done.

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Speaker 1: So I thought to myself, well, you need to get

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Speaker 1: your reffers in order, you.

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Speaker 3: Need to shoot shoot.

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Speaker 1: Some videos for your kids in case you do go.

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Speaker 1: And I actually forced myself to contemplate my own death.

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Speaker 1: That the thing that I really got into was amor

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Speaker 1: fatty and and trying to go, well, fuck, if this

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Speaker 1: is it, right, if this is this is the big

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Speaker 1: step for me?

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Speaker 3: Can you love your feet right?

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Speaker 1: Can you say, hey, this might well happen and you

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Speaker 1: might well go. Can you actually embrice because me, for me,

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Speaker 1: that's the last big challenge of the Stoics is to

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Speaker 1: love your feet at even when you get a shit

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Speaker 1: sandwich from the universe and the thing that and everybody

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Speaker 1: gets one, oh yes, oh yes, we're all going to

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Speaker 1: get one, and some people have had, some people have

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Speaker 1: had their unfair share of shit sandwiches from the universe. Right,

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Speaker 1: But you know, the thing that really stuck out for me,

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Speaker 1: I'm not sure about you, was just reflecting on my

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Speaker 1: life and going, well, if this is it, I was

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Speaker 1: actually I'm content, And for me, that was the big

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Speaker 1: take home out of that whole ordeal is that the

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Speaker 1: goal of life should not be happiness because that's a

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Speaker 1: fucking fleeting emotion that people chease, and the goal in

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Speaker 1: life should be contentment or serenity. And I actually started

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Speaker 1: using this to reflect back on my life and going

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Speaker 1: fucking hell, I've had a good run, I've done some

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Speaker 1: amazing shit, I've met some awesome people, and if this

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Speaker 1: is fated to be it, then it is what it is.

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Speaker 1: And I was kind of at peace with it. I

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Speaker 1: knew that, you know, the things I would be sad

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Speaker 1: about was not seeing my kids grow up, not growing

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Speaker 1: old with my wife.

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Speaker 3: But to your points, then what it.

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Speaker 1: Really did is it made me really be much much

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Speaker 1: more mindful in just daily life. I don't mean sitting

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Speaker 1: down and meditating. I mean smelling the roses, walking around,

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Speaker 1: you know, with taking my dogs, are just enjoying seeing

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Speaker 1: my dogs run around with their tails wagging, looking at

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Speaker 1: the colors of the sky.

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Speaker 3: You know.

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Speaker 1: Isn't it strange that we have to go through something

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Speaker 1: so confronting to really get to the essence of what

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Speaker 1: life is.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I think it's. I think it's a realization that

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Speaker 2: you know, you may actually lose your life, it would

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Speaker 2: come to an end. And again walking right up next

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Speaker 2: to that and having that experience of being close to

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Speaker 2: your own death I think can be really informative because

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Speaker 2: now you know it's going to happen. It didn't happen

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Speaker 2: that time, but but it is going to happen. You know,

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Speaker 2: I am going to die, and it's probably not going

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Speaker 2: to be on my terms, right, it's probably not going

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Speaker 2: to be when I think it's going to happen, or

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Speaker 2: how it's going to happen. Because I remember when they

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Speaker 2: told me I had leukemia. I was really surprised. I

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Speaker 2: just like I remember thinking, like, I didn't see that

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Speaker 2: one coming, you know, heart disease. You know, I'd thought

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Speaker 2: about that, you know, because I've had people in my

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Speaker 2: family die of heart disease. But I just I just

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Speaker 2: remember thinking, wow, I never I never thought that's how

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Speaker 2: I would die, and now that's might that might be

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Speaker 2: how I die. And I remember when I would I

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Speaker 2: don't know if it was the first of the second

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Speaker 2: as in the hospital when the nurses came around and

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Speaker 2: you know, they ask you all these questions and you

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Speaker 2: fill out these all these forms about do you want

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Speaker 2: to be resuscitated or not? Well, yeah, I don't know

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Speaker 2: if they did that with you. And I remember telling

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Speaker 2: her that I didn't want to be resuscitated and if

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Speaker 2: anything happens, just let me go. And I could see

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Speaker 2: that she was really surprised by that, and she said like,

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Speaker 2: I don't think you understand what I'm saying, you know,

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Speaker 2: because evidently most people say, yeah, do everything you can

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Speaker 2: to keep me alive. And here's this, you know, stupid

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Speaker 2: souff a bit saying, no, don't try to keep me alive,

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Speaker 2: just let me go. And so she asked me like

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Speaker 2: several times because you end up having to sign, and

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Speaker 2: I said, yeah, don't, don't resuscitate me, don't do anything.

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Speaker 2: You know, if it's if it's my time to go,

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Speaker 2: it's my time to go. I don't want to lay

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Speaker 2: in the bed for months, you know, before I die.

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Speaker 2: I'd rather just you know, go right away. I don't

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Speaker 2: want to prolog my dying, you know, I just remembers.

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Speaker 1: Sorry, Stine was just going to ask this was that

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Speaker 1: link to this I'm more fatty idea, this love of fear.

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Speaker 2: Well yeah, I mean it was just like if this

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Speaker 2: is how I'm going to go, whether I go now

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Speaker 2: or in a month from now, it doesn't matter, you know,

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Speaker 2: not really not to me. What I didn't what I

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Speaker 2: didn't want to do, is be a burden, you know,

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Speaker 2: because I think, you know what this what's interesting is

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Speaker 2: so why I was fighting for my life against leukemia.

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Speaker 2: My father had to mention and he was progressively dying.

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Speaker 2: In fact, he died the week before I finished my

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Speaker 2: chemo shit. And so that was a real irity, right

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Speaker 2: as I was fighting to stay alive, and you know,

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Speaker 2: and there was nothing he could do. And so I'm

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Speaker 2: watching him deteriorate as I'm slowly getting better, and I

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Speaker 2: remember thinking, you know, that's that's a unique experience.

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Speaker 1: Right, yeah, sometimes the universe those two fus.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, but and I remember just hoping that he

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Speaker 2: would go ahead and die because his quality of life

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Speaker 2: was so bad. You know, it's like we treat farm animals,

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Speaker 2: you know, with more humanity than we do humans. You know,

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Speaker 2: just people laying in the bed for months at a time.

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Speaker 2: You know. It's just like, so I'm glad that didn't

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Speaker 2: happen to me, you know.

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Speaker 3: And what did you make any deals with yourself?

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Speaker 1: You know, because obviously as you're going through that, there's

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Speaker 1: a shit heap of stuff that goes through your head.

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Speaker 1: Did you make any deeds with yourself?

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Speaker 3: A Ryan?

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Speaker 1: If I get through this, this is what I'm going

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Speaker 1: to do differently.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, I spent actually, when I was in

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Speaker 2: ICU for twenty five days, I spend a lot of

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Speaker 2: time thinking about that. You know, if I have a

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Speaker 2: little bit of time left, how do I want to

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Speaker 2: spend it. I was thinking about more from the standpoint.

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Speaker 2: If I just have a couple of years left, you know,

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Speaker 2: what will I do? And the main thing that came

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Speaker 2: to me is I'd like to go back to Spain

368
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Speaker 2: and walk the Camino to Santiago again, which I actually

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Speaker 2: did the month after I finished my chemo. I went

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Speaker 2: over and walked the whole thing again. But I remember

371
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Speaker 2: just thinking, you know, I really would like to do

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Speaker 2: that again. And I remember thinking, I want to keep working,

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Speaker 2: but I don't want I don't want work, my work

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Speaker 2: to define me the way that it did. I think

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Speaker 2: I think too much of my identity, and I think

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Speaker 2: it's true for a lot of men, you know. I

377
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Speaker 2: know it is in the US, and I would imagine

378
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Speaker 2: it is in Australia as well, that so much of

379
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Speaker 2: your identity is what you do. You know, people say,

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Speaker 2: you know, it's one of the first things we asked somebody,

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Speaker 2: what do you do? And then you tell them what

382
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Speaker 2: your job is? Right, And I remember, you know, thinking,

383
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Speaker 2: I don't I don't like the fact that so much

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Speaker 2: of my identity is in my work and in my occupation,

385
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Speaker 2: and that how I think about myself is so much

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Speaker 2: tied into how well you know business is going. You know,

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Speaker 2: then when business is going really well, I feel better

388
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Speaker 2: about myself and that kind of thing. And I just

389
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Speaker 2: remember thinking that was it's kind of hollow, you know,

390
00:21:30,119 --> 00:21:34,119
Speaker 2: like that's but now I work. I still work, but

391
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Speaker 2: I work for a different reason. I work because I

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Speaker 2: realized I have to work because I need something to

393
00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:45,240
Speaker 2: focus on that's not me. I think when people don't

394
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Speaker 2: stay busy, or they don't have a job, or they

395
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Speaker 2: don't have activities, you know that. You know that when

396
00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:53,760
Speaker 2: people talk about I'm bored, what I think happens is

397
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,199
Speaker 2: when you when you aren't engaged like that, there's a

398
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Speaker 2: lot of time to sit around and think about yourself, right,

399
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Speaker 2: And I don't think that's good. I know it's not

400
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Speaker 2: good for me in my senses, it's not good for

401
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Speaker 2: most people. So I mean, one of the benefits of

402
00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:11,960
Speaker 2: having work or having other people in your life is

403
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Speaker 2: that you don't focus on yourself all the time and

404
00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:17,760
Speaker 2: you don't think about yourself. And I know that my

405
00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:21,199
Speaker 2: best days are when I'm busy doing other things or

406
00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:23,360
Speaker 2: helping other people, and I just don't think about how

407
00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:27,040
Speaker 2: stand doing and how's this day going. You know, those

408
00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:30,480
Speaker 2: truly are my best days, so I have to fill

409
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Speaker 2: them with something, and as long as I can still

410
00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:37,080
Speaker 2: work and be of help, I think I'll keep doing that.

411
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Speaker 2: But I say that because I think a lot of

412
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Speaker 2: people they don't They don't have enough going on, they

413
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:46,879
Speaker 2: don't have enough activity, but challenging activity. You know what

414
00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:50,040
Speaker 2: I'm saying. It's one thing to go and find something

415
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Speaker 2: to do. It's another thing to seek out something that's

416
00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:55,320
Speaker 2: really difficult, because I think we should take on as

417
00:22:55,400 --> 00:23:00,199
Speaker 2: much challenge, responsibility, and difficulty as we can tolerate. That

418
00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:03,600
Speaker 2: is really being fully alive. You know, when you have

419
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:06,359
Speaker 2: a full plate and you're taking on as much as

420
00:23:06,359 --> 00:23:08,920
Speaker 2: you can, not more than you can handle, because now

421
00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:11,760
Speaker 2: you're overly stressed. But what I'm saying is I think

422
00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:15,360
Speaker 2: a lot of people they actually hurt themselves because they

423
00:23:15,359 --> 00:23:18,240
Speaker 2: don't take on as much responsibility as they actually could,

424
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Speaker 2: or they don't try to do difficult things. And again

425
00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:24,960
Speaker 2: I'm not saying try to do things that you can't do.

426
00:23:25,040 --> 00:23:28,240
Speaker 2: I'm saying, go right up to the edge of yourself

427
00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:32,320
Speaker 2: right and do as much as you can. Like that

428
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:33,800
Speaker 2: really is the best life.

429
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Speaker 1: That that is where you feel alive, right, and it's yes.

430
00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:41,159
Speaker 1: There's a couple of things I want to unpack in

431
00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:45,439
Speaker 1: what you just said. The first one was around identity,

432
00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:48,520
Speaker 1: because again that that was an interesting thing for me

433
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:52,840
Speaker 1: round you know, you do a lot of self reflection

434
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Speaker 1: when you are and facing your own mortality, and you

435
00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:00,440
Speaker 1: certainly didn't, and I did, and I was I had

436
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:04,800
Speaker 1: to force myself to overcome my optimism bias because I

437
00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:08,800
Speaker 1: wanted to actually use this opportunity to properly meditate on

438
00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:13,320
Speaker 1: my death and actually stir into the abyss as you've

439
00:24:13,359 --> 00:24:17,720
Speaker 1: talked about and actually you know, take out the lessons

440
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:20,840
Speaker 1: of life and that identity thing.

441
00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:22,600
Speaker 3: You will have seen this more than me.

442
00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:26,600
Speaker 1: I've seen it a lot with business people who retire.

443
00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:29,199
Speaker 1: I've seen it with athletes who retire. You will have

444
00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:31,960
Speaker 1: seen it with a lot more athletes who stop playing

445
00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:38,600
Speaker 1: that they fall into an existential crisis because their identity

446
00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:42,160
Speaker 1: is so wrapped up in the stuff that they do.

447
00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:47,480
Speaker 1: And I was coaching a guy who was an athlete

448
00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:51,840
Speaker 1: who just you know, was a big quite a big athlete,

449
00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:58,760
Speaker 1: but then got injured career over and my coaching with

450
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:02,119
Speaker 1: him was to try to get his identity around his

451
00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:07,640
Speaker 1: character and his values rather than his job. Because when

452
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:11,920
Speaker 1: we connect our identity to what we do, fucking hell,

453
00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:13,199
Speaker 1: we're on thin ice, aren't they.

454
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:21,760
Speaker 2: Yeah, it doesn't, it doesn't. It won't sustain you the

455
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:25,840
Speaker 2: way I think people think. Again, it's a societal message, right,

456
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:28,359
Speaker 2: you know, go to school, study hard, get a good job,

457
00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:31,800
Speaker 2: you know, get promoted, move up the food chain, and

458
00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:34,040
Speaker 2: then you'll have a good life. That's I mean, that's

459
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:38,639
Speaker 2: the story we're told, right and versus you know, do

460
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:42,840
Speaker 2: something that you really enjoy doing, that you're passionate about,

461
00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:46,200
Speaker 2: that you care about, that you can you know, throw

462
00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:48,800
Speaker 2: yourself into so you know, they talk about, you know

463
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:51,919
Speaker 2: in the research. You know when people get into a

464
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:56,000
Speaker 2: flow state or in the zone, you know that there's

465
00:25:56,080 --> 00:26:01,720
Speaker 2: no sense of self like, there's no doing. It become

466
00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:04,800
Speaker 2: I become the activity to that I'm doing. It's not

467
00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:09,479
Speaker 2: that I'm doing the activity, it's that the activity and

468
00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:12,040
Speaker 2: I are one thing you can think about. You know.

469
00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:14,480
Speaker 2: Musicians talk about this, right, you know when they're having

470
00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:17,520
Speaker 2: a jam session. Artists will do that. I mean it's

471
00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:20,280
Speaker 2: hard for corporate people to get into it, but but

472
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:23,720
Speaker 2: you can. But that's really what we should be seeking

473
00:26:24,119 --> 00:26:31,040
Speaker 2: is this experience of being one with what you're doing

474
00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:35,080
Speaker 2: because you're you're you're so engrossed in it and you're

475
00:26:35,119 --> 00:26:39,200
Speaker 2: so focused on it and versus thinking about what I'm doing.

476
00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:43,720
Speaker 2: Am I making any sense? When you're when you're really

477
00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:46,360
Speaker 2: doing it, you're you're not thinking about how well you're

478
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:50,600
Speaker 2: doing it, that all goes away, you know, as well

479
00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:53,080
Speaker 2: as distortions and time. And then the other thing you

480
00:26:53,119 --> 00:26:55,560
Speaker 2: see when we get in these flow stakes is even

481
00:26:55,600 --> 00:27:00,000
Speaker 2: when we're doing things really difficult, we experience them as effortless.

482
00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:03,919
Speaker 2: So what that tells me is is the problem is

483
00:27:03,920 --> 00:27:07,480
Speaker 2: not doing the difficult task. The problem is is becoming

484
00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:10,240
Speaker 2: too aware of oneself or judging oneself when you do

485
00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:12,920
Speaker 2: the task. Like, if you can just do the hard

486
00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:16,280
Speaker 2: thing without judging yourself, you'll find that you can actually

487
00:27:16,359 --> 00:27:18,360
Speaker 2: do a lot more difficult things at a higher level

488
00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:21,320
Speaker 2: than you ever thought. So the problem isn't really doing

489
00:27:21,359 --> 00:27:24,399
Speaker 2: the task. The problem is the self doubt and the

490
00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:26,680
Speaker 2: self judgment that you have in the process of doing

491
00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:27,240
Speaker 2: the task.

492
00:27:29,119 --> 00:27:33,440
Speaker 1: I want to connect that flow stit, which is the

493
00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:37,000
Speaker 1: optimal state, and anybody who's ever been in it knows

494
00:27:37,080 --> 00:27:38,399
Speaker 1: it is an awesome state.

495
00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:40,440
Speaker 3: And I think a lot of people.

496
00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:43,439
Speaker 1: You know, if they're if they're in business in life,

497
00:27:43,880 --> 00:27:45,720
Speaker 1: you know, they could probably relate to that in a

498
00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:48,400
Speaker 1: time in sport or something where they were doing something

499
00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:50,200
Speaker 1: challenge where they were immersed in it.

500
00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:52,600
Speaker 3: But for me, the next step.

501
00:27:52,359 --> 00:27:55,720
Speaker 1: Because we can't be and flow twenty four to seven, right,

502
00:27:55,840 --> 00:28:00,520
Speaker 1: but the next step to flow or are cloas to

503
00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:05,800
Speaker 1: flow for me is this idea of being fully engaged

504
00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:09,280
Speaker 1: in life. And this comes from the research around hardiness.

505
00:28:09,359 --> 00:28:12,359
Speaker 1: I'm not sure if you're familiar with the hardiness research

506
00:28:12,440 --> 00:28:18,280
Speaker 1: around control orientation, challenge orientation, and commitment orientation. And part

507
00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:21,440
Speaker 1: of that commitment orientation is that people who are highly

508
00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:26,959
Speaker 1: committed are fully engaged in their activities of life, like

509
00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:32,480
Speaker 1: they're curious about life. And you know, these people, they

510
00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:36,680
Speaker 1: just they seem to have that zest for life. No

511
00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:41,440
Speaker 1: matter what they're doing, they're in it. They're completely in it.

512
00:28:41,520 --> 00:28:45,000
Speaker 1: Whether there's a lot of people who are just fucking

513
00:28:45,400 --> 00:28:49,120
Speaker 1: blah and who are half doing stuff.

514
00:28:49,400 --> 00:28:51,560
Speaker 3: And I always and.

515
00:28:51,440 --> 00:28:54,440
Speaker 1: That's why I have that Memento Mority tattoo on my arm,

516
00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:57,800
Speaker 1: is to just look at it and remind myself, fucking hell,

517
00:28:57,920 --> 00:29:01,200
Speaker 1: this day could be here, last why not just be

518
00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:04,600
Speaker 1: into shit rather than just go through the motions?

519
00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:04,840
Speaker 3: Right?

520
00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:07,760
Speaker 2: Yeah, what other.

521
00:29:08,560 --> 00:29:14,040
Speaker 1: Lessons or reflections and did you come up as I

522
00:29:14,040 --> 00:29:16,480
Speaker 1: think there was two that you talked about to start,

523
00:29:16,520 --> 00:29:21,160
Speaker 1: and I want to make them obvert for listeners. That

524
00:29:21,240 --> 00:29:25,239
Speaker 1: the idea of what you said without saying it was

525
00:29:25,920 --> 00:29:30,240
Speaker 1: and that stoic idea of player given roles, well that

526
00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:32,960
Speaker 1: epic Tata said, we are all actors in the play

527
00:29:33,520 --> 00:29:37,200
Speaker 1: and at base sometimes we get a part that we

528
00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:39,960
Speaker 1: don't want and he's basically talking about the universe and

529
00:29:40,000 --> 00:29:43,520
Speaker 1: the ship Sandwich from the universe, but that our focus

530
00:29:43,560 --> 00:29:46,680
Speaker 1: in life should be to play our given roles well.

531
00:29:47,480 --> 00:29:51,640
Speaker 1: And you clearly stepped into that where it was like, well,

532
00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:55,840
Speaker 1: if I'm fated to have leukemia, how do I do

533
00:29:56,000 --> 00:29:58,600
Speaker 1: this well? And that was the same with me with

534
00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:02,680
Speaker 1: my heart surgery. If if that's my feet, how do

535
00:30:02,840 --> 00:30:05,480
Speaker 1: I play this role? Well, that's one that I want

536
00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:07,360
Speaker 1: to highlight and we can dive into that a little

537
00:30:07,360 --> 00:30:10,920
Speaker 1: bit deeper, but that whole idea of focusing on what

538
00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:14,479
Speaker 1: you can control is really important. You talked about your

539
00:30:14,520 --> 00:30:17,400
Speaker 1: little routines and what you did. I actually did, and

540
00:30:17,640 --> 00:30:20,520
Speaker 1: I don't think i've told anybody this before, but CARDI

541
00:30:20,560 --> 00:30:22,920
Speaker 1: couldn't believe it. In ICU, when I first woke up

542
00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:26,080
Speaker 1: from heart surgery, I got out of bed and did

543
00:30:26,160 --> 00:30:32,479
Speaker 1: ten squats because I just wanted to focus on something

544
00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:34,920
Speaker 1: that I could and I wanted to lean into this.

545
00:30:35,560 --> 00:30:38,440
Speaker 1: And it wasn't for it was more for the point

546
00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:42,240
Speaker 1: of doing the action and getting out of bed and saying,

547
00:30:42,760 --> 00:30:45,640
Speaker 1: I ain't taking a shit lying down, I'm just going

548
00:30:45,720 --> 00:30:50,120
Speaker 1: to focus on something that I can achieve here. Just

549
00:30:50,280 --> 00:30:54,680
Speaker 1: for that that sort of self mastery, I think. So

550
00:30:56,120 --> 00:30:59,200
Speaker 1: is there anything else that you want to unpack around

551
00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:02,680
Speaker 1: those two things before we talk about all the lessons

552
00:31:02,720 --> 00:31:04,800
Speaker 1: that you or I may have learned from this that

553
00:31:04,840 --> 00:31:05,640
Speaker 1: could be useful.

554
00:31:08,040 --> 00:31:10,160
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean to that point, Paul, I think just

555
00:31:10,160 --> 00:31:13,520
Speaker 2: a focus on the fact that whatever situation you find

556
00:31:13,560 --> 00:31:18,040
Speaker 2: yourself in, you always have a choice. And you know,

557
00:31:18,080 --> 00:31:20,760
Speaker 2: there's there's interesting research done on people who are in

558
00:31:20,840 --> 00:31:24,440
Speaker 2: survival situations right where some people, you know, get lost

559
00:31:24,440 --> 00:31:26,920
Speaker 2: in the woods and die and other people live. And

560
00:31:27,000 --> 00:31:29,200
Speaker 2: you know what the research says is the people that die,

561
00:31:29,520 --> 00:31:31,920
Speaker 2: they get really mad that they're in the situation and

562
00:31:31,920 --> 00:31:34,600
Speaker 2: they say things like I can't believe this happened to me.

563
00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:37,040
Speaker 2: This shouldn't happen to me, and they stay really angry

564
00:31:37,440 --> 00:31:41,040
Speaker 2: at the situation. They never accept you know, that there

565
00:31:41,600 --> 00:31:43,840
Speaker 2: you know, that their ship is capsized in the ocean,

566
00:31:43,920 --> 00:31:45,920
Speaker 2: or that they're lost in the middle of the you know,

567
00:31:46,240 --> 00:31:50,480
Speaker 2: the woods or the desert or the jungle, and because

568
00:31:50,520 --> 00:31:52,800
Speaker 2: their mind is focused on this shouldn't have happened to me,

569
00:31:53,000 --> 00:31:57,480
Speaker 2: So those people die. The people that live in survival situations,

570
00:31:57,560 --> 00:32:00,000
Speaker 2: they think, Okay, well, this is not how I think

571
00:32:00,040 --> 00:32:02,800
Speaker 2: ought today was going to go. But what's the single

572
00:32:02,880 --> 00:32:06,280
Speaker 2: best decision that I can make right now to help myself?

573
00:32:06,880 --> 00:32:08,760
Speaker 2: And so they think about that is it, you know,

574
00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:12,920
Speaker 2: try to find water or shelter or some way to signal.

575
00:32:13,760 --> 00:32:16,680
Speaker 2: And so you you focus on what's the single best

576
00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:18,680
Speaker 2: thing I can do to help myself survive or what's

577
00:32:18,680 --> 00:32:20,920
Speaker 2: the single best decision I can make right now? And

578
00:32:20,960 --> 00:32:23,640
Speaker 2: then you do that. And then after you do that,

579
00:32:23,680 --> 00:32:25,440
Speaker 2: then uk, what's the next thing I can do?

580
00:32:26,160 --> 00:32:26,360
Speaker 3: Yeah?

581
00:32:26,800 --> 00:32:29,920
Speaker 2: Right, and you just you just keep your mind consumed

582
00:32:29,920 --> 00:32:33,440
Speaker 2: with what's the next best choice I can make? And

583
00:32:33,480 --> 00:32:35,760
Speaker 2: what you see is that those people tend to survive

584
00:32:36,680 --> 00:32:43,440
Speaker 2: in these survivor you know situations, But So if you

585
00:32:43,520 --> 00:32:45,760
Speaker 2: don't go back to a more effect, if you don't

586
00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:49,160
Speaker 2: accept your situation and you're angry that you're in the

587
00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:53,280
Speaker 2: situation that you're in, you will you will undoubtedly do

588
00:32:53,400 --> 00:32:57,280
Speaker 2: two things. You will do harm to yourself and you

589
00:32:57,320 --> 00:33:01,320
Speaker 2: will do harm to everyone around you because you simply

590
00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:04,120
Speaker 2: didn't have the ability to accept that it's my turn.

591
00:33:04,640 --> 00:33:06,840
Speaker 2: And I remember saying that to myself when I was

592
00:33:06,880 --> 00:33:10,479
Speaker 2: in the hospital, you know, because everybody knows somebody who

593
00:33:10,560 --> 00:33:13,160
Speaker 2: had cancer, and I remember just thinking, it's my turn.

594
00:33:14,400 --> 00:33:16,560
Speaker 2: And I didn't think it was going to happen this way.

595
00:33:16,560 --> 00:33:17,880
Speaker 2: I didn't think it was gonna happen at all. But

596
00:33:17,920 --> 00:33:19,560
Speaker 2: this is my turn, and so what am I going

597
00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:20,600
Speaker 2: to do with my turn?

598
00:33:21,320 --> 00:33:21,600
Speaker 3: Yeah?

599
00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:27,400
Speaker 1: That, and I think the folk you've really highlighted for me,

600
00:33:28,680 --> 00:33:31,520
Speaker 1: and I kind of knew it, but it wasn't that

601
00:33:31,720 --> 00:33:36,720
Speaker 1: overt that. The precursor, I think to focusing on what

602
00:33:36,760 --> 00:33:39,680
Speaker 1: you can control is acceptance.

603
00:33:41,000 --> 00:33:45,960
Speaker 3: That that is the enabler of focusing on what you

604
00:33:46,040 --> 00:33:46,840
Speaker 3: can control.

605
00:33:47,440 --> 00:33:50,520
Speaker 1: Because if we think about this from a broader perspective,

606
00:33:51,000 --> 00:33:53,520
Speaker 1: you mentioned I didn't want to be a victim. There's

607
00:33:53,560 --> 00:33:57,160
Speaker 1: a lot of people out there who are victims. Are

608
00:33:57,280 --> 00:34:01,960
Speaker 1: fucking professional victims. And you will know some of these

609
00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:06,520
Speaker 1: people stand that that you know, this person's got it

610
00:34:06,560 --> 00:34:08,799
Speaker 1: better than me, that person's got it better than me,

611
00:34:09,320 --> 00:34:12,760
Speaker 1: and they they are angry, but it's not just the anger.

612
00:34:13,440 --> 00:34:17,160
Speaker 1: It's where their energy goes. It's the flashlight of their

613
00:34:17,239 --> 00:34:21,040
Speaker 1: attention is shown on them being a victim.

614
00:34:21,080 --> 00:34:22,840
Speaker 3: And I think the other thing that.

615
00:34:22,800 --> 00:34:24,919
Speaker 2: Is really becomes their identity too.

616
00:34:25,480 --> 00:34:28,080
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, it becomes they're.

617
00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:30,560
Speaker 2: The defining thing about themselves as I'm the person who's

618
00:34:30,600 --> 00:34:33,719
Speaker 2: had all these terrible things happen to me, and then

619
00:34:33,960 --> 00:34:36,160
Speaker 2: you're supposed to feel sorry for me, and you're supposed

620
00:34:36,160 --> 00:34:39,600
Speaker 2: to treat me in some preferential way because of how

621
00:34:39,640 --> 00:34:42,160
Speaker 2: difficult I've had it. Of course, if you actually did

622
00:34:42,160 --> 00:34:44,239
Speaker 2: that to the person, you would do them a disservice.

623
00:34:45,320 --> 00:34:46,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly.

624
00:34:46,239 --> 00:34:49,480
Speaker 1: And I think the thing that I often say, and

625
00:34:49,560 --> 00:34:51,759
Speaker 1: I think it's happening more and more as well as

626
00:34:51,760 --> 00:34:57,320
Speaker 1: a victim mentality is an entitlement mentality, that that people

627
00:34:57,960 --> 00:35:02,080
Speaker 1: feel like they are entitled to having a good life

628
00:35:02,120 --> 00:35:06,200
Speaker 1: and entitled to whether it's not be offended or any

629
00:35:06,239 --> 00:35:06,360
Speaker 1: of that.

630
00:35:06,800 --> 00:35:09,320
Speaker 3: I'm just like, this is fucking wrong.

631
00:35:09,640 --> 00:35:14,640
Speaker 1: This is completely the wrong way to approach life, because

632
00:35:14,680 --> 00:35:18,319
Speaker 1: it just puts people in a tailspin and all of

633
00:35:18,360 --> 00:35:24,480
Speaker 1: their attention and therefore their energy is focused on negative

634
00:35:24,520 --> 00:35:27,279
Speaker 1: and war is me and and they're just it's it's

635
00:35:27,320 --> 00:35:32,440
Speaker 1: that it's that vacuum of war that energy could be.

636
00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:35,600
Speaker 1: It's not just the damaging effect, you know, It's that

637
00:35:35,760 --> 00:35:38,040
Speaker 1: it's that double thing. It's like if you have a

638
00:35:38,080 --> 00:35:41,440
Speaker 1: shit diet, it's not just the fact that you're eating

639
00:35:41,560 --> 00:35:45,600
Speaker 1: shit food that's causing you damage. It's also the fact

640
00:35:45,600 --> 00:35:48,560
Speaker 1: that you've crowded out of your diet a lot of

641
00:35:48,640 --> 00:35:51,360
Speaker 1: good nourishing food, so you actually end up with a

642
00:35:51,400 --> 00:35:51,960
Speaker 1: double one.

643
00:35:54,120 --> 00:35:55,360
Speaker 3: Any thoughts on that.

644
00:35:56,800 --> 00:35:59,839
Speaker 2: And that you don't value yourself enough to take care

645
00:35:59,880 --> 00:36:02,759
Speaker 2: of you And so I think, you know, in our

646
00:36:02,800 --> 00:36:06,799
Speaker 2: Western society, if we encounter someone who doesn't value and

647
00:36:06,840 --> 00:36:10,080
Speaker 2: take care of themselves, it's very difficult for us to

648
00:36:10,160 --> 00:36:13,479
Speaker 2: value them too. Like when you run into someone who's

649
00:36:13,520 --> 00:36:17,080
Speaker 2: given up on themselves, it's really hard, you know, especially

650
00:36:17,160 --> 00:36:19,839
Speaker 2: in the business world, in competitive environments, when you run

651
00:36:19,840 --> 00:36:24,120
Speaker 2: into people who've given up on themselves, it's highly unlikely

652
00:36:24,160 --> 00:36:26,040
Speaker 2: that the people around you are going to want to

653
00:36:26,040 --> 00:36:31,000
Speaker 2: take you on as a project because it takes a

654
00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:33,279
Speaker 2: lot of energy, you know. I mean you can do

655
00:36:33,360 --> 00:36:35,840
Speaker 2: it if it's a family member or a close friend perhaps,

656
00:36:35,880 --> 00:36:39,719
Speaker 2: but we don't normally do that in you know, competitive

657
00:36:40,040 --> 00:36:42,840
Speaker 2: environments and business environments. When we see people who've already

658
00:36:42,920 --> 00:36:47,120
Speaker 2: given up on themselves, we tend to steer around them

659
00:36:47,120 --> 00:36:50,000
Speaker 2: because it's it can be exhausting to be in a

660
00:36:50,040 --> 00:36:51,600
Speaker 2: relationship with someone like that.

661
00:36:52,840 --> 00:36:56,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, I you know, what I really struggle is done.

662
00:36:56,760 --> 00:37:01,160
Speaker 1: And it's funny you mentioned that when I people who've

663
00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:06,319
Speaker 1: given up on themselves. When I see friends who whether

664
00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:10,280
Speaker 1: they've been through a marriage breakup and they're being a victim,

665
00:37:10,680 --> 00:37:15,000
Speaker 1: I find it really hard not to have contempt for them.

666
00:37:15,440 --> 00:37:19,200
Speaker 1: That's something and it's interesting you mentioned that we tend

667
00:37:19,200 --> 00:37:23,120
Speaker 1: to stay around them, because that's something that I really

668
00:37:23,200 --> 00:37:27,600
Speaker 1: struggle with, is when I see someone who's not helping themselves.

669
00:37:27,880 --> 00:37:30,640
Speaker 1: And maybe this is a personal fault of mine, but

670
00:37:31,080 --> 00:37:34,920
Speaker 1: I have to force myself not to be contemptuous around

671
00:37:35,000 --> 00:37:38,759
Speaker 1: those people. How do you, as a coach and get

672
00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:42,760
Speaker 1: around that? Because you have seen and dealt with these people.

673
00:37:44,480 --> 00:37:46,719
Speaker 1: I need some tools here for me to deal with

674
00:37:46,760 --> 00:37:48,759
Speaker 1: people who've given up on themselves.

675
00:37:50,040 --> 00:37:53,400
Speaker 2: Well, I think I think it's possible to have compassion

676
00:37:53,480 --> 00:37:57,120
Speaker 2: for people who are suffering, and that is a form

677
00:37:57,160 --> 00:38:03,920
Speaker 2: of suffering and insisting. Like when I run into an

678
00:38:03,960 --> 00:38:07,120
Speaker 2: angry person, Now, what I tell to myself is is

679
00:38:07,160 --> 00:38:10,680
Speaker 2: that person is hurt, because you don't become angry unless

680
00:38:10,719 --> 00:38:14,320
Speaker 2: you're hurt first. And so when I see an angry person,

681
00:38:14,360 --> 00:38:18,200
Speaker 2: I just tell myself, this person is hurting, okay, and

682
00:38:18,320 --> 00:38:21,120
Speaker 2: don't pay attention to the anger. Look look for the hurt,

683
00:38:21,440 --> 00:38:24,480
Speaker 2: and see the hurt beneath the anger. So there are

684
00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:27,840
Speaker 2: things like that that we can do. I think. The

685
00:38:27,920 --> 00:38:32,359
Speaker 2: other thing I sometimes say to people is, you know,

686
00:38:32,480 --> 00:38:34,239
Speaker 2: do you want my help or do you want my

687
00:38:34,320 --> 00:38:38,960
Speaker 2: advice on what's going on with you? And if you

688
00:38:39,080 --> 00:38:41,239
Speaker 2: ask them, a lot of times they'll say yes, but

689
00:38:41,280 --> 00:38:43,920
Speaker 2: they really don't want it. And I'll say, well, if

690
00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:47,759
Speaker 2: if my advice were to actually, in the short term,

691
00:38:47,800 --> 00:38:50,799
Speaker 2: make you feel worse, would you want to hear it? Right?

692
00:38:50,920 --> 00:38:53,399
Speaker 2: Because sometimes the thing that the person needs to hear

693
00:38:53,520 --> 00:38:56,000
Speaker 2: is not what they want to hear. You know, it's

694
00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:58,120
Speaker 2: not the oh, it's it's going to be okay, honey,

695
00:38:58,120 --> 00:39:03,040
Speaker 2: It's going to be all right. And so I find

696
00:39:03,080 --> 00:39:05,560
Speaker 2: it helpful to say you know, I'll talk to you

697
00:39:05,600 --> 00:39:08,400
Speaker 2: about this, and I'll be honest with you, but I

698
00:39:08,440 --> 00:39:11,360
Speaker 2: need to let you know that it's likely that I

699
00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:13,719
Speaker 2: might say something that you know you don't like or

700
00:39:13,760 --> 00:39:16,640
Speaker 2: is upsetting to you. But I also realize that there

701
00:39:16,640 --> 00:39:21,320
Speaker 2: are probably some truths that other people haven't told them right. Yes,

702
00:39:21,520 --> 00:39:25,360
Speaker 2: And you know, there's an interesting thomasoul saying that says,

703
00:39:25,480 --> 00:39:27,760
Speaker 2: if you want to help someone, tell them the truth,

704
00:39:28,560 --> 00:39:30,600
Speaker 2: if you want to help yourself, tell them what they

705
00:39:30,680 --> 00:39:34,239
Speaker 2: want to hear. And I think we do that a lot.

706
00:39:34,640 --> 00:39:37,360
Speaker 2: But I think so there's what I'm getting to is,

707
00:39:37,440 --> 00:39:41,120
Speaker 2: I think the probably the best thing that you can

708
00:39:41,160 --> 00:39:43,600
Speaker 2: do for a friend or a loved one is tell

709
00:39:43,640 --> 00:39:47,279
Speaker 2: them the truth. And sometimes the truth is is how

710
00:39:47,320 --> 00:39:51,160
Speaker 2: you feel when you're in their presence, or the fact

711
00:39:51,160 --> 00:39:53,879
Speaker 2: that you find yourself not wanting to be around them

712
00:39:53,880 --> 00:39:57,239
Speaker 2: anymore in your trouble by that. But that's the reality. Yeah,

713
00:39:57,320 --> 00:39:59,760
Speaker 2: it's you know, it's a risk to speak the truth.

714
00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:02,160
Speaker 2: I think telling the truth is probably one of the

715
00:40:02,200 --> 00:40:04,360
Speaker 2: most dangerous things that we do. I mean, if you

716
00:40:04,480 --> 00:40:08,480
Speaker 2: really are, you know, in fully transparent and candid way

717
00:40:08,560 --> 00:40:11,920
Speaker 2: telling the truth, I think it's I think it's very risky,

718
00:40:11,960 --> 00:40:15,080
Speaker 2: and it's dangerous because there are people that if you

719
00:40:15,120 --> 00:40:17,120
Speaker 2: tell them the truth, they're they're going to write you

720
00:40:17,160 --> 00:40:18,560
Speaker 2: off for it, or they're not going to ever want

721
00:40:18,560 --> 00:40:21,000
Speaker 2: to be in relationship with you again. You know. I

722
00:40:21,000 --> 00:40:23,000
Speaker 2: see it in the workplace all the time, where people

723
00:40:23,080 --> 00:40:25,839
Speaker 2: are really won't tell their boss what they really think,

724
00:40:26,560 --> 00:40:28,560
Speaker 2: or you know, like couples where they really won't tell

725
00:40:28,600 --> 00:40:31,160
Speaker 2: their partner what they really think because they're afraid that,

726
00:40:32,040 --> 00:40:34,520
Speaker 2: you know, something bad will come of it, you know,

727
00:40:34,680 --> 00:40:37,359
Speaker 2: And so we just we estab we create all these

728
00:40:37,400 --> 00:40:41,200
Speaker 2: relationships where we just tiptoe around each other as if

729
00:40:41,239 --> 00:40:44,080
Speaker 2: telling the truth is a terrible thing. But the fact

730
00:40:44,120 --> 00:40:47,960
Speaker 2: of the matter is the truth. The truth can be painful,

731
00:40:48,080 --> 00:40:51,160
Speaker 2: but it doesn't damage you. And this is what a

732
00:40:51,160 --> 00:40:54,359
Speaker 2: lot of people don't understand about the truth. It doesn't damage.

733
00:40:54,920 --> 00:40:56,799
Speaker 2: It's kind of like getting a shot. When you get

734
00:40:56,800 --> 00:40:59,200
Speaker 2: a shot, there's pain when the needle goes in, so

735
00:40:59,280 --> 00:41:03,080
Speaker 2: you feel pain, but it's not harming you. It's just painful.

736
00:41:03,680 --> 00:41:06,560
Speaker 2: And people need to understand that there's something that can

737
00:41:06,600 --> 00:41:10,239
Speaker 2: be painful, but you're not being harmed by it. And

738
00:41:10,360 --> 00:41:14,359
Speaker 2: I think, you know, conversation with someone who will really

739
00:41:14,400 --> 00:41:17,120
Speaker 2: tell you the truth would be that way, you know,

740
00:41:17,200 --> 00:41:19,520
Speaker 2: where it would be painful. And so that's what I

741
00:41:19,560 --> 00:41:21,160
Speaker 2: try to do with people, to say, you know, there,

742
00:41:21,280 --> 00:41:23,680
Speaker 2: I got something I want to tell you, Paul, but

743
00:41:23,920 --> 00:41:26,239
Speaker 2: I'm kind of reluctant to do it because I feel

744
00:41:26,280 --> 00:41:27,759
Speaker 2: like if I say this to you, you know, you

745
00:41:27,840 --> 00:41:30,600
Speaker 2: might be mad at me and it might damage our friendship.

746
00:41:31,640 --> 00:41:34,080
Speaker 2: And then I'll say, so, you know that said, do

747
00:41:34,120 --> 00:41:37,040
Speaker 2: you want me to tell you? And almost always they say, yeah,

748
00:41:37,120 --> 00:41:41,080
Speaker 2: tell me. So now you're asking me for it, you see.

749
00:41:40,320 --> 00:41:41,440
Speaker 3: So that's the permission.

750
00:41:41,480 --> 00:41:44,600
Speaker 2: That's kind of a nice yeah, yeah, so that's back

751
00:41:44,640 --> 00:41:46,880
Speaker 2: to answer your question. That's a nice tactic. If you

752
00:41:46,920 --> 00:41:50,960
Speaker 2: have some really hard, you know, difficult things to say

753
00:41:51,000 --> 00:41:54,200
Speaker 2: to someone you know, ask them for permission and just

754
00:41:54,239 --> 00:41:56,719
Speaker 2: say I'm reluctant to tell you this because I'm afraid

755
00:41:56,760 --> 00:41:58,920
Speaker 2: you're going to be hurt by it or angry and

756
00:41:58,960 --> 00:42:00,879
Speaker 2: I don't want I don't want that to go there,

757
00:42:00,880 --> 00:42:03,719
Speaker 2: but at the same time, I don't want to be disingenuous.

758
00:42:04,560 --> 00:42:07,040
Speaker 2: And then once they ask you, they'll say, yeah, I

759
00:42:07,040 --> 00:42:09,799
Speaker 2: want you to tell me that, right there changes their

760
00:42:09,840 --> 00:42:11,640
Speaker 2: response because now they've asked.

761
00:42:11,360 --> 00:42:13,840
Speaker 3: For Yeah, now that that is gold advice.

762
00:42:14,040 --> 00:42:17,279
Speaker 1: And actually the other bit of advice that I liked

763
00:42:17,400 --> 00:42:22,799
Speaker 1: from that is to look what's behind their behavior too.

764
00:42:23,080 --> 00:42:24,040
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know the.

765
00:42:24,080 --> 00:42:29,240
Speaker 1: Old saying, you know, never judge somebody until you've walked

766
00:42:29,280 --> 00:42:33,080
Speaker 1: them mile in their shoes. So from the anger, understanding

767
00:42:33,160 --> 00:42:35,880
Speaker 1: that there's hurt behind the anger and to look for that.

768
00:42:36,200 --> 00:42:41,080
Speaker 1: And one one thing I wanted to talk about you

769
00:42:41,200 --> 00:42:43,760
Speaker 1: kind of meant you touched on it a little bit earlier,

770
00:42:44,960 --> 00:42:51,800
Speaker 1: But I'm becoming more and more focused on this idea

771
00:42:52,200 --> 00:42:55,799
Speaker 1: of your flashlight of your attention. And it's something that

772
00:42:55,840 --> 00:42:59,000
Speaker 1: I got from my wife from Japanese psychology where they

773
00:42:59,640 --> 00:43:03,719
Speaker 1: they talk about the flashlight of your attention is the

774
00:43:03,760 --> 00:43:08,080
Speaker 1: most important thing in your life because and when you

775
00:43:08,120 --> 00:43:11,279
Speaker 1: think about it from a neuroscience perspective, Stein, I think

776
00:43:11,280 --> 00:43:14,799
Speaker 1: you'll agree that attention is a precursor for everything in

777
00:43:14,840 --> 00:43:17,080
Speaker 1: the pream It's a precursor for.

778
00:43:16,960 --> 00:43:19,760
Speaker 3: Emotions and feelings, it's a precursor for auction.

779
00:43:20,880 --> 00:43:28,279
Speaker 1: Has this experience changed Were you direct the flashlight of

780
00:43:28,320 --> 00:43:33,840
Speaker 1: your attention or were that flashlight lingers longer?

781
00:43:34,200 --> 00:43:37,640
Speaker 2: I think I'm more intentional about how I spend my

782
00:43:37,760 --> 00:43:40,799
Speaker 2: time just because I feel like I have less of it.

783
00:43:41,440 --> 00:43:45,320
Speaker 2: There's a there's an urgency that I that I feel

784
00:43:45,960 --> 00:43:48,480
Speaker 2: so for like, let for example, last weekend, I went

785
00:43:48,520 --> 00:43:53,239
Speaker 2: down to Guadalajara, Mexico to visit a friend, and I

786
00:43:53,280 --> 00:43:56,719
Speaker 2: think probably normally I wouldn't have done that, but I

787
00:43:56,760 --> 00:44:00,000
Speaker 2: remember thinking to myself, this might be my only chance

788
00:44:00,040 --> 00:44:02,560
Speaker 2: ants to go. And when I said that to myself,

789
00:44:02,600 --> 00:44:05,759
Speaker 2: this is this will probably be my only chance. Then

790
00:44:05,800 --> 00:44:08,440
Speaker 2: I went versus I think if you talked to me

791
00:44:08,520 --> 00:44:11,439
Speaker 2: five years ago, my response would have been, Oh, there'll

792
00:44:11,440 --> 00:44:15,120
Speaker 2: be another chance, There'll be another opportunity, yes, yes, right,

793
00:44:15,160 --> 00:44:18,480
Speaker 2: And now I realize, no, there's there's like a lot

794
00:44:18,480 --> 00:44:20,520
Speaker 2: of things that you're going to do one last time

795
00:44:21,600 --> 00:44:23,680
Speaker 2: or or you're only going to have one opportunity in

796
00:44:23,719 --> 00:44:25,120
Speaker 2: your whole life to do it. And what are you

797
00:44:25,160 --> 00:44:26,759
Speaker 2: going to say? You know, you're going to say yes

798
00:44:26,840 --> 00:44:29,719
Speaker 2: or no. So I think I've been more open to

799
00:44:29,880 --> 00:44:37,279
Speaker 2: doing some things that maybe you call it spontaneous. But

800
00:44:38,760 --> 00:44:41,600
Speaker 2: I'll give you another just simple example. So I travel

801
00:44:41,640 --> 00:44:43,879
Speaker 2: a good bit for work. And one of the things

802
00:44:43,880 --> 00:44:46,000
Speaker 2: that I realized when I was in the hospital for

803
00:44:46,040 --> 00:44:49,840
Speaker 2: so long is I don't mind the business travel and

804
00:44:49,920 --> 00:44:52,880
Speaker 2: the and the work what I really dislike is the

805
00:44:52,920 --> 00:44:57,040
Speaker 2: hotel room, you know, you know, the isolation of it.

806
00:44:57,320 --> 00:44:59,680
Speaker 2: So I thought, well, if I can, if I can

807
00:44:59,719 --> 00:45:04,520
Speaker 2: stay with friends instead, that would make it better. So,

808
00:45:04,960 --> 00:45:06,960
Speaker 2: you know, I reached out to some friends and like

809
00:45:07,000 --> 00:45:09,200
Speaker 2: they're like, there's a company I work with in Dallas,

810
00:45:09,239 --> 00:45:10,880
Speaker 2: and one of the guys, who's a senior guy with

811
00:45:10,920 --> 00:45:12,880
Speaker 2: the company, I've known for a long time. And I

812
00:45:12,880 --> 00:45:14,480
Speaker 2: told him, I said, look, let me, let me just

813
00:45:14,520 --> 00:45:16,640
Speaker 2: tell you what's going on. It's like, I don't want

814
00:45:16,680 --> 00:45:18,319
Speaker 2: to stay in a hotel anymore. You know, I want

815
00:45:18,320 --> 00:45:20,759
Speaker 2: to stay at somebody's house and his kids are grown

816
00:45:20,880 --> 00:45:22,719
Speaker 2: like mine. And I was like, you know, if you

817
00:45:22,760 --> 00:45:25,400
Speaker 2: and your wife are comfortable, I would like love to

818
00:45:25,400 --> 00:45:28,680
Speaker 2: stay with you guys, and you know, and find a

819
00:45:28,680 --> 00:45:30,480
Speaker 2: way to reciprocate, like you know, take them out to

820
00:45:30,600 --> 00:45:32,880
Speaker 2: and whatnot. And so I've been doing that for a

821
00:45:33,000 --> 00:45:36,560
Speaker 2: year now and it's been wonderful, and you know, I

822
00:45:36,600 --> 00:45:39,759
Speaker 2: really enjoy being there and they enjoy having me, at

823
00:45:39,840 --> 00:45:42,279
Speaker 2: least they act like they enjoy having me, and so

824
00:45:42,480 --> 00:45:44,680
Speaker 2: it's just kind of a win win thing. And so

825
00:45:44,760 --> 00:45:48,600
Speaker 2: I think about that, you know, of the things that

826
00:45:48,680 --> 00:45:53,440
Speaker 2: you don't enjoy but yet are still necessary find a

827
00:45:53,480 --> 00:45:58,960
Speaker 2: way to make it more fulfilling. Yeah, and that sometimes

828
00:45:58,960 --> 00:46:04,279
Speaker 2: and that sometimes means asking someone to help you. And

829
00:46:04,680 --> 00:46:07,719
Speaker 2: I realized one of the things I realized being in

830
00:46:07,719 --> 00:46:10,520
Speaker 2: the hospital is I don't mind it at all if

831
00:46:10,560 --> 00:46:13,680
Speaker 2: people ask me for help, but I really have a

832
00:46:13,680 --> 00:46:17,160
Speaker 2: hard time doing that. And I think I have this

833
00:46:17,320 --> 00:46:19,640
Speaker 2: concern of I don't want to be a burden or

834
00:46:19,680 --> 00:46:23,600
Speaker 2: a problem to someone. And I know there's kind of

835
00:46:23,640 --> 00:46:28,560
Speaker 2: a womb there, you know that that's about because it

836
00:46:28,600 --> 00:46:31,759
Speaker 2: doesn't bother me when people ask for help. But for

837
00:46:31,800 --> 00:46:35,160
Speaker 2: some reason, I've really struggled to do that myself. And

838
00:46:35,320 --> 00:46:38,640
Speaker 2: you know, I remember thinking, I've got to I've got

839
00:46:38,640 --> 00:46:40,279
Speaker 2: to work on that. I've got to be willing to

840
00:46:40,480 --> 00:46:43,200
Speaker 2: ask for help or ask for what I need. The

841
00:46:43,239 --> 00:46:46,360
Speaker 2: person can always say no, but you know if you

842
00:46:46,400 --> 00:46:50,279
Speaker 2: don't ask, But what you you know, people who freely give,

843
00:46:50,800 --> 00:46:52,480
Speaker 2: they'll tell you they get something out of.

844
00:46:52,400 --> 00:46:55,640
Speaker 3: Giving, right, Yes, yes, so mean it.

845
00:46:55,560 --> 00:46:59,600
Speaker 2: Works both ways. So I was I was unbalanced in

846
00:46:59,640 --> 00:46:59,960
Speaker 2: that way.

847
00:47:00,760 --> 00:47:01,080
Speaker 3: Mm hm.

848
00:47:01,600 --> 00:47:07,000
Speaker 1: The the urgency thing is is really interesting and similar

849
00:47:07,000 --> 00:47:09,640
Speaker 1: to your story about going down to I can't remember

850
00:47:09,640 --> 00:47:11,799
Speaker 1: what he said, it was Mexico or whatever to visit

851
00:47:11,840 --> 00:47:15,600
Speaker 1: someone might be that did you get Because I was

852
00:47:15,680 --> 00:47:20,560
Speaker 1: hymning and haying about going back to the UK before

853
00:47:20,600 --> 00:47:24,520
Speaker 1: my operation, and then I actually thought to myself, fucking hell,

854
00:47:24,600 --> 00:47:26,920
Speaker 1: I need to go just in case. And I called

855
00:47:26,920 --> 00:47:30,680
Speaker 1: it my just in case visit, right, and everything was

856
00:47:31,239 --> 00:47:33,680
Speaker 1: so I'd go, I'd visit my navy mats. I visited

857
00:47:33,719 --> 00:47:35,919
Speaker 1: my mates from UNI and I was like, We're going

858
00:47:35,920 --> 00:47:38,920
Speaker 1: out to have a just in case party, just in

859
00:47:39,040 --> 00:47:41,400
Speaker 1: case I didn't make it. On the other side, because

860
00:47:41,440 --> 00:47:44,839
Speaker 1: I actually I thought about it and I thought, well,

861
00:47:45,200 --> 00:47:47,799
Speaker 1: what would I regret if I did die on the

862
00:47:47,840 --> 00:47:51,560
Speaker 1: operating table? What would I regret not having done? And

863
00:47:51,719 --> 00:47:56,320
Speaker 1: And that's the the attitude that I had in facing

864
00:47:56,360 --> 00:47:59,520
Speaker 1: my mortality was was not to be negative, but to

865
00:47:59,600 --> 00:48:03,279
Speaker 1: go I've got a shot here to do stuff or

866
00:48:03,320 --> 00:48:10,600
Speaker 1: to to not have any regrets, and so focusing that

867
00:48:10,880 --> 00:48:14,959
Speaker 1: potential negative outcome on well, what needs to be done right?

868
00:48:15,200 --> 00:48:17,840
Speaker 1: If you're going to cark it on the operating table,

869
00:48:18,800 --> 00:48:21,520
Speaker 1: what would you have regretted not doing? And they were

870
00:48:21,560 --> 00:48:24,960
Speaker 1: the things that I made myself do right. But it

871
00:48:25,080 --> 00:48:29,000
Speaker 1: then spills over, doesn't it to your point that you

872
00:48:29,880 --> 00:48:33,520
Speaker 1: start to live more in the moment and have more

873
00:48:33,520 --> 00:48:37,719
Speaker 1: of that sense of urgency because we actually are. When

874
00:48:37,760 --> 00:48:41,960
Speaker 1: you're confronted with your own death, you realize, fucking hell, Hi,

875
00:48:42,560 --> 00:48:47,560
Speaker 1: just high, not only precious, but just hi.

876
00:48:48,160 --> 00:48:49,399
Speaker 3: What's the word I'm looking for?

877
00:48:50,800 --> 00:48:50,880
Speaker 1: Hi?

878
00:48:51,160 --> 00:48:53,400
Speaker 3: Easily it can be gone life.

879
00:48:53,600 --> 00:48:57,400
Speaker 2: Yeah. You know. The other thing that came to me

880
00:48:57,480 --> 00:49:01,759
Speaker 2: in all this is, you know, when someone has a

881
00:49:01,800 --> 00:49:05,120
Speaker 2: family member or friend that dies, you know, we say

882
00:49:05,160 --> 00:49:07,560
Speaker 2: I'm sorry. In other words, we think of death as

883
00:49:07,600 --> 00:49:10,560
Speaker 2: a bad thing, as an unfortunate thing. And kind of

884
00:49:10,600 --> 00:49:13,359
Speaker 2: where I'm at with right now is it's the next thing.

885
00:49:14,160 --> 00:49:16,480
Speaker 2: I don't have to think of my death or anyone's

886
00:49:16,520 --> 00:49:18,640
Speaker 2: death as a bad thing. I can think of it

887
00:49:18,680 --> 00:49:21,480
Speaker 2: as that's the next thing that happens, right It is

888
00:49:21,520 --> 00:49:24,080
Speaker 2: like you weren't alive, and you know, then you got born,

889
00:49:24,160 --> 00:49:27,480
Speaker 2: and then you lived, then you died, and then whatever

890
00:49:27,520 --> 00:49:30,319
Speaker 2: happens after that. Of course, you know, there's a lot

891
00:49:30,320 --> 00:49:32,760
Speaker 2: of theories on what happens when the physical body dies,

892
00:49:33,400 --> 00:49:35,480
Speaker 2: and I'm no expert, but some of the things that

893
00:49:35,520 --> 00:49:38,480
Speaker 2: people believe I kind of have to chuckle at. But

894
00:49:39,920 --> 00:49:42,680
Speaker 2: you know, I think what happens when when we die

895
00:49:42,800 --> 00:49:45,120
Speaker 2: is that there's a handful of people who really loved

896
00:49:45,160 --> 00:49:48,400
Speaker 2: us and they miss us and they and they grieve

897
00:49:48,440 --> 00:49:50,400
Speaker 2: and they feel bad for a while. Like that's what

898
00:49:50,440 --> 00:49:52,560
Speaker 2: I think happens when we die, is the people who

899
00:49:52,640 --> 00:49:55,040
Speaker 2: love us hurt, but we don't hurt. The person that

900
00:49:55,160 --> 00:49:57,880
Speaker 2: died doesn't hurt. There's no pain, you know what I'm saying.

901
00:49:58,080 --> 00:50:00,120
Speaker 2: If I'm the dead guy, there's no pain for me,

902
00:50:00,880 --> 00:50:04,759
Speaker 2: but my loved ones there is. And but anyway, what

903
00:50:04,800 --> 00:50:07,400
Speaker 2: I'm getting to is is like do we have to

904
00:50:07,440 --> 00:50:10,160
Speaker 2: think of death as this bad thing that we should

905
00:50:10,160 --> 00:50:13,560
Speaker 2: all try to avoid at all costs? Like how's that

906
00:50:13,680 --> 00:50:16,719
Speaker 2: serving us? And again, I'm not saying like I want

907
00:50:16,760 --> 00:50:19,880
Speaker 2: to die, but I'm just saying it's like it's it's

908
00:50:20,160 --> 00:50:22,560
Speaker 2: it's you know, it's okay, you know, it's all right.

909
00:50:24,080 --> 00:50:27,120
Speaker 2: You know it's the next thing. And I don't know

910
00:50:27,120 --> 00:50:28,920
Speaker 2: what it's going to be like. But you know, I'm

911
00:50:29,000 --> 00:50:32,920
Speaker 2: kind of curious. Yes, yes, I'd love to be an expert.

912
00:50:32,920 --> 00:50:34,480
Speaker 2: I'd love to be with these guys who you know,

913
00:50:35,080 --> 00:50:37,000
Speaker 2: you know, yeah, I died and came back and I

914
00:50:37,040 --> 00:50:37,480
Speaker 2: can tell you.

915
00:50:38,160 --> 00:50:42,680
Speaker 1: But I am where I've landed with this. And again,

916
00:50:42,719 --> 00:50:46,680
Speaker 1: I think I think it's such a good exercise to

917
00:50:46,920 --> 00:50:51,719
Speaker 1: really confront your own mortality. And unfortunately, you know, for

918
00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:55,560
Speaker 1: most of us, we are forced into it from that situation.

919
00:50:55,680 --> 00:51:00,080
Speaker 1: But it's I think it's an opportunity deny to many

920
00:51:00,840 --> 00:51:04,920
Speaker 1: to be able to confront your own mortality. And the

921
00:51:05,000 --> 00:51:08,680
Speaker 1: conclusion that I came to is that death is when

922
00:51:08,680 --> 00:51:12,240
Speaker 1: I go to die. By my numbers up, I'm entering

923
00:51:12,320 --> 00:51:14,600
Speaker 1: into life's last great adventure.

924
00:51:15,360 --> 00:51:17,400
Speaker 3: That's it. It's the last adventure.

925
00:51:17,719 --> 00:51:20,480
Speaker 1: And we go into it and we'll either know or

926
00:51:20,520 --> 00:51:25,319
Speaker 1: we won't know. But it's life's last great adventure. And

927
00:51:25,360 --> 00:51:27,920
Speaker 1: it's as you said, it's just the next step.

928
00:51:29,160 --> 00:51:32,280
Speaker 2: And I think the dead guy is not the one suffering.

929
00:51:32,440 --> 00:51:35,600
Speaker 2: It's the loved ones of the dead guys suffer. The

930
00:51:36,000 --> 00:51:37,040
Speaker 2: dead person's free.

931
00:51:37,400 --> 00:51:42,440
Speaker 1: So is there something stand that you would having gone

932
00:51:42,520 --> 00:51:46,680
Speaker 1: through that experience, that you would like your eighteen year

933
00:51:46,719 --> 00:51:50,960
Speaker 1: old self to know, or some of the young people

934
00:51:51,320 --> 00:51:54,680
Speaker 1: out there to know, or even anybody just in terms

935
00:51:54,760 --> 00:51:59,160
Speaker 1: of lessons, But what's the poignant ones.

936
00:51:59,080 --> 00:52:01,440
Speaker 3: That you come come through with this?

937
00:52:01,520 --> 00:52:06,560
Speaker 1: Because I'm sure you analyze that that whole experience, given

938
00:52:06,640 --> 00:52:09,919
Speaker 1: what you actually do, right, it's hard not to analyze

939
00:52:09,960 --> 00:52:11,880
Speaker 1: and watch your own journey through that.

940
00:52:13,040 --> 00:52:15,400
Speaker 2: Yeah. I remember when I was in the hospital and

941
00:52:15,440 --> 00:52:17,480
Speaker 2: my son and one of his best friends came to

942
00:52:17,600 --> 00:52:22,640
Speaker 2: visit me one evening and his his my son's friend

943
00:52:22,760 --> 00:52:25,759
Speaker 2: is a really inquisitive, inquisitive, bright kid, and he was

944
00:52:25,840 --> 00:52:29,319
Speaker 2: asking me about, you know, what I've learned from all

945
00:52:29,360 --> 00:52:33,640
Speaker 2: this and what's changed, And I said, and what advice

946
00:52:33,680 --> 00:52:35,839
Speaker 2: that I have, you know? And I said to him,

947
00:52:35,880 --> 00:52:39,719
Speaker 2: I said, you know, just get on with your life.

948
00:52:39,800 --> 00:52:42,520
Speaker 2: If there's something that you really want to do, don't

949
00:52:42,680 --> 00:52:45,719
Speaker 2: don't wait around for the right time of the perfect situation.

950
00:52:46,440 --> 00:52:51,640
Speaker 2: You know, Uh, live your life with a sense of urgency.

951
00:52:53,880 --> 00:52:57,280
Speaker 2: And because if you don't, then you're then you're waiting

952
00:52:57,320 --> 00:53:04,200
Speaker 2: to start your life. Yes, and that's terrible. So anyway,

953
00:53:04,600 --> 00:53:06,080
Speaker 2: I didn't know it at the time, and I found

954
00:53:06,120 --> 00:53:10,120
Speaker 2: out later. But this kid, he went to his job

955
00:53:10,160 --> 00:53:12,759
Speaker 2: the next day or that week and he quit his

956
00:53:12,880 --> 00:53:16,200
Speaker 2: job and he started his own business that he was

957
00:53:16,200 --> 00:53:18,080
Speaker 2: wanting to do. And he told me about it later.

958
00:53:18,200 --> 00:53:20,160
Speaker 2: I said, well, thank god it's working out for you.

959
00:53:20,200 --> 00:53:22,120
Speaker 2: Otherwise I would have felt like an ass, you know,

960
00:53:23,880 --> 00:53:28,279
Speaker 2: but in just that sense of like, you know, what

961
00:53:28,320 --> 00:53:30,279
Speaker 2: do you want to do with this one wild and

962
00:53:30,360 --> 00:53:32,960
Speaker 2: precious life that you have because you're not going to

963
00:53:33,040 --> 00:53:36,759
Speaker 2: have it for much longer. Yes, you know, and so

964
00:53:37,440 --> 00:53:39,600
Speaker 2: the thing that you've been thinking about doing that you

965
00:53:39,640 --> 00:53:42,520
Speaker 2: haven't had the courage to do. You know, when you're dead,

966
00:53:43,080 --> 00:53:45,080
Speaker 2: you're going to have the courage because you're not going

967
00:53:45,160 --> 00:53:46,840
Speaker 2: to be afraid anymore. But you don't have but you

968
00:53:46,920 --> 00:53:47,680
Speaker 2: ran out of time.

969
00:53:50,320 --> 00:53:53,840
Speaker 1: It's interesting because I had written Dyne the thing for

970
00:53:54,040 --> 00:53:59,000
Speaker 1: me to coach myself or others, seize opportunities, seize them,

971
00:53:59,080 --> 00:54:01,960
Speaker 1: And it's a lie with there's I'm not sure if

972
00:54:01,960 --> 00:54:04,560
Speaker 1: you're familiar with this research from Richard Wiseman, who's a

973
00:54:04,560 --> 00:54:08,359
Speaker 1: British psychologist and a very very good one, but has

974
00:54:08,560 --> 00:54:12,560
Speaker 1: studied lucky people in the UK. Right, And he did

975
00:54:12,600 --> 00:54:16,600
Speaker 1: this massive study where he advertised and he's been on

976
00:54:16,680 --> 00:54:20,240
Speaker 1: TV and all sorts of stuff. Right, So he designed

977
00:54:20,239 --> 00:54:23,640
Speaker 1: this study where he advertised he wanted people who were

978
00:54:23,880 --> 00:54:28,520
Speaker 1: unlucky and people who were lucky, and and so he

979
00:54:28,600 --> 00:54:31,919
Speaker 1: got a whole heap of volunteers and being in the UK,

980
00:54:32,040 --> 00:54:34,760
Speaker 1: there was clearly more people who felt they were unlucky

981
00:54:34,880 --> 00:54:36,280
Speaker 1: than the way they were lucky.

982
00:54:36,320 --> 00:54:39,280
Speaker 3: But he basically did a series.

983
00:54:39,080 --> 00:54:43,120
Speaker 1: Of experiments and analysis of these people and found that

984
00:54:43,719 --> 00:54:49,120
Speaker 1: lucky people are actually no luckier than unlucky people. They

985
00:54:49,320 --> 00:54:53,920
Speaker 1: just take their opportunities because when an opportunity comes, they

986
00:54:53,920 --> 00:54:58,440
Speaker 1: have an optimism bias and they actually go, I'm going

987
00:54:58,520 --> 00:55:00,840
Speaker 1: to go and do this, whereas the un lucky people,

988
00:55:01,440 --> 00:55:05,759
Speaker 1: because of their filter, they still have opportunities, but they

989
00:55:05,800 --> 00:55:08,839
Speaker 1: either don't see the opportunities or they don't take them

990
00:55:08,840 --> 00:55:11,319
Speaker 1: because they go that will not walk out for me,

991
00:55:11,640 --> 00:55:15,600
Speaker 1: or the time isn't right. And and to your point, Stein,

992
00:55:16,040 --> 00:55:19,040
Speaker 1: and if the time isn't right, it might be your

993
00:55:19,160 --> 00:55:19,959
Speaker 1: only time.

994
00:55:20,040 --> 00:55:22,080
Speaker 3: You might not get another shot.

995
00:55:22,239 --> 00:55:25,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, I heard a really interesting thing the other day.

996
00:55:25,880 --> 00:55:30,759
Speaker 2: It was actually it was on a TV show called Landman.

997
00:55:30,920 --> 00:55:34,040
Speaker 2: Billy Bob Thornton plays a oil guy in West Texas

998
00:55:34,040 --> 00:55:36,919
Speaker 2: and he's and he's given advice to his teenage daughter

999
00:55:37,640 --> 00:55:40,600
Speaker 2: who has a boyfriend at the time, and he says,

1000
00:55:41,280 --> 00:55:44,520
Speaker 2: every relationship that you have is going to fail except

1001
00:55:44,560 --> 00:55:46,800
Speaker 2: for the last one, you know, and the kids like seventeen.

1002
00:55:46,960 --> 00:55:49,839
Speaker 2: So if this relationship that you have, the boyfriend, if

1003
00:55:49,840 --> 00:55:52,360
Speaker 2: this isn't the last one, it's going to fail, you know.

1004
00:55:52,560 --> 00:55:55,160
Speaker 2: And I wish someone had said that to me when

1005
00:55:55,160 --> 00:55:57,560
Speaker 2: I was young, Like, you know, every relationship you have

1006
00:55:57,719 --> 00:55:59,440
Speaker 2: is going to fail. It's going to end. There's going

1007
00:55:59,480 --> 00:56:01,160
Speaker 2: to be a break up, you know, and there'll probably

1008
00:56:01,239 --> 00:56:03,400
Speaker 2: be some heartache. But if you're lucky the last one,

1009
00:56:03,480 --> 00:56:05,960
Speaker 2: there won't be the I mean, it still might be difficult,

1010
00:56:06,040 --> 00:56:08,120
Speaker 2: but you know, I think about that same you know

1011
00:56:09,080 --> 00:56:12,719
Speaker 2: thought process applies to a lot of things, like sometimes

1012
00:56:12,800 --> 00:56:15,399
Speaker 2: you have to take a job that you don't want

1013
00:56:15,480 --> 00:56:19,640
Speaker 2: so that you can get the job that you do want. Yes, right,

1014
00:56:20,719 --> 00:56:22,640
Speaker 2: And I mean that was one of the pieces of

1015
00:56:22,680 --> 00:56:24,960
Speaker 2: advice I gave my son when he's came along. It's like,

1016
00:56:25,000 --> 00:56:27,560
Speaker 2: you know, take this job not because you want it,

1017
00:56:27,600 --> 00:56:29,239
Speaker 2: but take this job because it's going to help you

1018
00:56:29,280 --> 00:56:31,200
Speaker 2: get the job that you want. And I see a

1019
00:56:31,200 --> 00:56:33,520
Speaker 2: lot of people they're really reluctant to do that, like,

1020
00:56:33,600 --> 00:56:34,400
Speaker 2: you know, I don't want.

1021
00:56:34,239 --> 00:56:34,719
Speaker 3: To do that.

1022
00:56:35,160 --> 00:56:38,000
Speaker 2: But if you understood that, it was you know, it's

1023
00:56:38,040 --> 00:56:39,839
Speaker 2: like it's part of your path, and it's a you know,

1024
00:56:40,400 --> 00:56:43,959
Speaker 2: on your journey, there's uphill, right, and there's days where

1025
00:56:43,960 --> 00:56:46,360
Speaker 2: you walk in the rain, and that's all part of

1026
00:56:46,360 --> 00:56:49,480
Speaker 2: the journey. It's not you know, slightly downhill with the

1027
00:56:49,520 --> 00:56:52,080
Speaker 2: wind at your back. That's not that's not what anyone gets.

1028
00:56:52,520 --> 00:56:54,480
Speaker 2: But I think a lot of people don't understand that

1029
00:56:54,840 --> 00:56:57,120
Speaker 2: doing the difficult thing or the thing that you initially

1030
00:56:57,160 --> 00:57:00,560
Speaker 2: don't want in that moment is act. See what's going

1031
00:57:00,600 --> 00:57:03,040
Speaker 2: to make you become the person that you want to be.

1032
00:57:04,000 --> 00:57:07,480
Speaker 2: You know, it's that saying of you know, hard times

1033
00:57:07,560 --> 00:57:11,480
Speaker 2: make strong men, strong men make good times. Good times

1034
00:57:11,560 --> 00:57:14,959
Speaker 2: make weak men. Weak men make hard times. I thought

1035
00:57:14,960 --> 00:57:17,560
Speaker 2: about that a lot as well. You know, It's like,

1036
00:57:17,960 --> 00:57:19,360
Speaker 2: so the question is do you want to be a

1037
00:57:19,360 --> 00:57:22,360
Speaker 2: strong person? Yes, okay, then you must embrace the hard times.

1038
00:57:23,120 --> 00:57:24,240
Speaker 3: Yeah.

1039
00:57:24,480 --> 00:57:26,040
Speaker 2: Right, And that's the back to where we started where

1040
00:57:26,040 --> 00:57:27,720
Speaker 2: It's like, I think most people, if you ask them

1041
00:57:27,720 --> 00:57:29,560
Speaker 2: what they really want, what they'll tell you is they

1042
00:57:29,600 --> 00:57:32,080
Speaker 2: want their life to be you whan they say they

1043
00:57:32,120 --> 00:57:34,120
Speaker 2: want to be happy or whatever. They want their life

1044
00:57:34,120 --> 00:57:38,240
Speaker 2: to be easier. They don't want to struggle as much

1045
00:57:38,240 --> 00:57:42,560
Speaker 2: as they are. But I think the struggle is absolutely necessary.

1046
00:57:42,680 --> 00:57:45,120
Speaker 2: So I would say, is you want to if your

1047
00:57:45,160 --> 00:57:47,360
Speaker 2: life is not going well or if you feel stuck,

1048
00:57:48,080 --> 00:57:50,800
Speaker 2: Chances are you're not struggling enough. You're not taking on

1049
00:57:50,880 --> 00:57:55,800
Speaker 2: them enough difficulty, and you're not taking on enough responsibility.

1050
00:57:56,000 --> 00:57:59,560
Speaker 2: You actually have to make things more difficult and challenging

1051
00:57:59,600 --> 00:58:02,080
Speaker 2: for yourself. That's how you get unstuck.

1052
00:58:02,400 --> 00:58:07,560
Speaker 1: Yeah, you've got to get into the contest of life,

1053
00:58:07,800 --> 00:58:10,160
Speaker 1: I think is the key thing is you've got to

1054
00:58:10,200 --> 00:58:12,000
Speaker 1: be in it and you've got to look at it

1055
00:58:12,120 --> 00:58:15,360
Speaker 1: that life is a contest. I think that's one that

1056
00:58:15,800 --> 00:58:18,320
Speaker 1: the Stoics really imprinted upon me is.

1057
00:58:18,320 --> 00:58:21,120
Speaker 2: Yes, and the competitions with yourself.

1058
00:58:21,120 --> 00:58:24,240
Speaker 1: Exactly, and he said the Olympic Games are upon us.

1059
00:58:24,280 --> 00:58:28,120
Speaker 1: There is no time to waste, right, which is that

1060
00:58:28,240 --> 00:58:34,320
Speaker 1: sense of urgency Again? The thing that are one of

1061
00:58:34,360 --> 00:58:38,520
Speaker 1: the things that really landed for me in that what

1062
00:58:38,640 --> 00:58:41,240
Speaker 1: advice would I give myself or my younger self, or

1063
00:58:41,360 --> 00:58:43,720
Speaker 1: would I give or have I given my kids?

1064
00:58:44,440 --> 00:58:46,520
Speaker 3: Is to give more than you take.

1065
00:58:47,560 --> 00:58:52,360
Speaker 1: And from that I mean from an energy perspective, from

1066
00:58:52,400 --> 00:58:58,080
Speaker 1: a relationship perspective, and any group that you're in is

1067
00:58:58,560 --> 00:59:01,400
Speaker 1: to have the attitude to give more than you take,

1068
00:59:01,600 --> 00:59:05,440
Speaker 1: so to be a positive ball of energy. Because as

1069
00:59:05,480 --> 00:59:09,000
Speaker 1: I think about this, we're all just little little blots

1070
00:59:09,000 --> 00:59:09,720
Speaker 1: of energy.

1071
00:59:09,960 --> 00:59:10,160
Speaker 3: Right.

1072
00:59:10,200 --> 00:59:13,640
Speaker 1: If you're in a zoom out over your town and

1073
00:59:13,760 --> 00:59:16,120
Speaker 1: my time, you see all of these little dots of

1074
00:59:16,280 --> 00:59:19,880
Speaker 1: energy and they're just bumping into each other, right, And

1075
00:59:20,240 --> 00:59:23,080
Speaker 1: some of them they're like, I have this kind of

1076
00:59:23,280 --> 00:59:26,960
Speaker 1: vision of some of them are colored red and they're angry,

1077
00:59:27,000 --> 00:59:29,760
Speaker 1: and they're bouncing off all these other little balls and

1078
00:59:29,800 --> 00:59:33,000
Speaker 1: they're making them turn more red. And that's having a

1079
00:59:33,080 --> 00:59:35,720
Speaker 1: knock on effect. Right. And when you think about this,

1080
00:59:35,840 --> 00:59:42,000
Speaker 1: it's like you fucking you impact the energy of everybody

1081
00:59:42,040 --> 00:59:46,440
Speaker 1: that you interact with through your energy. So my thing

1082
00:59:46,520 --> 00:59:48,840
Speaker 1: with my kids is really just you need to give

1083
00:59:48,920 --> 00:59:52,680
Speaker 1: more than you take and not go into relationships or

1084
00:59:52,760 --> 00:59:56,640
Speaker 1: not go into workplaces or whatever it is thinking that

1085
00:59:56,760 --> 00:59:59,120
Speaker 1: I want to take more than I give. If we

1086
00:59:59,200 --> 01:00:03,919
Speaker 1: can flip out of rhynd, I think that is one

1087
01:00:03,960 --> 01:00:06,760
Speaker 1: of the keys to a life of flourishing. Not an

1088
01:00:06,760 --> 01:00:08,480
Speaker 1: easy life, but a life of flourishing.

1089
01:00:08,560 --> 01:00:12,160
Speaker 2: Yeah, when I was in the hospital, I had my

1090
01:00:12,880 --> 01:00:17,440
Speaker 2: girlfriend bring my little speaker and so I play music.

1091
01:00:17,600 --> 01:00:20,120
Speaker 2: And when the people would come in to clean the room,

1092
01:00:20,640 --> 01:00:23,960
Speaker 2: I would ask them what's your favorite music and they

1093
01:00:23,960 --> 01:00:26,200
Speaker 2: would tell me, or I would just say do you

1094
01:00:26,280 --> 01:00:28,080
Speaker 2: like this, and I'd turn it up. But when the

1095
01:00:28,080 --> 01:00:29,840
Speaker 2: people would come and clean a room, I'd turn the

1096
01:00:29,920 --> 01:00:33,120
Speaker 2: music up really loud, you know, and kind of you know,

1097
01:00:33,280 --> 01:00:37,080
Speaker 2: dance around with them. Yes, And I remember thinking, like,

1098
01:00:37,240 --> 01:00:40,720
Speaker 2: imagine having the job of cleaning hospital rooms of people

1099
01:00:40,760 --> 01:00:44,320
Speaker 2: that are literally dying, Like that's a shitty job. And

1100
01:00:44,360 --> 01:00:47,320
Speaker 2: I remember thinking like, if I can, you know, give

1101
01:00:47,360 --> 01:00:51,360
Speaker 2: this woman, you know, ten minutes of joy. And it

1102
01:00:51,520 --> 01:00:54,439
Speaker 2: worked and it made me feel better because I could

1103
01:00:54,440 --> 01:00:56,720
Speaker 2: see how happy they were, you know. And by the

1104
01:00:56,800 --> 01:00:59,080
Speaker 2: end of the month I was there, They're like, oh,

1105
01:00:59,160 --> 01:01:01,320
Speaker 2: I love coming to clear in your room, doctor Beacham,

1106
01:01:01,800 --> 01:01:03,919
Speaker 2: because you're gonna play good music. We're gonna have fun.

1107
01:01:03,960 --> 01:01:06,240
Speaker 2: I said, yeah, why not, you know. And you know,

1108
01:01:06,280 --> 01:01:08,200
Speaker 2: I don't know how that came to me, but you know,

1109
01:01:08,480 --> 01:01:10,640
Speaker 2: I'm glad that it did. But I mean, it's not

1110
01:01:10,680 --> 01:01:15,320
Speaker 2: like a difficult thing, you know. I mean it's just

1111
01:01:15,600 --> 01:01:18,920
Speaker 2: doing a hundred of those little things to yourself and

1112
01:01:18,960 --> 01:01:21,760
Speaker 2: to other people. Yes, you know again, the you know,

1113
01:01:22,000 --> 01:01:26,400
Speaker 2: the walk Away lesson for me is that the joy

1114
01:01:26,440 --> 01:01:30,400
Speaker 2: of life is is doing the simple things with grace.

1115
01:01:30,520 --> 01:01:33,040
Speaker 2: Like I walk every day now, for I walk an

1116
01:01:33,040 --> 01:01:35,320
Speaker 2: hour in the morning, I walk an hour in the afternoon,

1117
01:01:35,720 --> 01:01:38,200
Speaker 2: and I look forward to it and it's you know,

1118
01:01:38,280 --> 01:01:40,240
Speaker 2: going for a walk is such a simple thing, but

1119
01:01:41,280 --> 01:01:43,400
Speaker 2: I get such joy out of it, you know, or

1120
01:01:43,480 --> 01:01:45,800
Speaker 2: you know, bumping into people and saying hey to them.

1121
01:01:45,840 --> 01:01:47,600
Speaker 2: I mean, you know, that's.

1122
01:01:47,400 --> 01:01:51,959
Speaker 1: It, Yes, And I see to that point. The thing

1123
01:01:52,520 --> 01:01:55,720
Speaker 1: that change. One of the things that changed and when

1124
01:01:55,720 --> 01:01:59,120
Speaker 1: I got is I stopped walking with my EarPods. And

1125
01:01:59,680 --> 01:02:02,040
Speaker 1: because I used to go out and take my dogs

1126
01:02:02,040 --> 01:02:03,480
Speaker 1: out for a walk every.

1127
01:02:03,240 --> 01:02:05,400
Speaker 3: Morning and every evening when I'm around.

1128
01:02:05,680 --> 01:02:09,120
Speaker 1: And I like to do it at sunset, but sunrise

1129
01:02:09,120 --> 01:02:11,520
Speaker 1: and sunset. But I used to listen to podcasts because

1130
01:02:11,520 --> 01:02:13,959
Speaker 1: I'm thinking, I'll kill two birds with one stone here.

1131
01:02:14,680 --> 01:02:18,560
Speaker 1: And I took my earbuds out and just have forced

1132
01:02:18,560 --> 01:02:21,080
Speaker 1: myself to be present, to listen to the birds in

1133
01:02:21,080 --> 01:02:23,240
Speaker 1: the morning, to look at the chains, and like to

1134
01:02:23,680 --> 01:02:27,480
Speaker 1: see my dogs and having such a great time sniffing around.

1135
01:02:28,200 --> 01:02:30,080
Speaker 3: It's those little moments, isn't it.

1136
01:02:30,120 --> 01:02:33,080
Speaker 1: And if we can and that's I guess the essence

1137
01:02:33,120 --> 01:02:36,040
Speaker 1: of what the Buddhist talks about with mindfulness. It's not

1138
01:02:36,080 --> 01:02:39,720
Speaker 1: sitting fucking cross legged in a lotus pose. It's actually

1139
01:02:39,920 --> 01:02:44,000
Speaker 1: just being fully engaged in life in all that it

1140
01:02:44,040 --> 01:02:45,080
Speaker 1: has to offer, isn't it.

1141
01:02:45,200 --> 01:02:48,800
Speaker 2: Yeah. And there's a lot that life offers us and

1142
01:02:48,840 --> 01:02:51,640
Speaker 2: we miss it, you know, because we're caught up in

1143
01:02:51,680 --> 01:02:55,680
Speaker 2: something else. Usually ourselves are concerned for ourselves. You know,

1144
01:02:56,440 --> 01:02:58,919
Speaker 2: what would your life look like if you were free

1145
01:02:58,960 --> 01:03:02,480
Speaker 2: from concern about how you were doing? You know, what

1146
01:03:02,520 --> 01:03:04,920
Speaker 2: would happened to you if you didn't think about yourself

1147
01:03:05,000 --> 01:03:07,760
Speaker 2: much anymore? You thought about other people or other things.

1148
01:03:07,880 --> 01:03:09,880
Speaker 2: The answer is your your quality of life would go

1149
01:03:10,000 --> 01:03:10,920
Speaker 2: up significantly.

1150
01:03:11,080 --> 01:03:15,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely, Stan, this has been as usual for the

1151
01:03:15,480 --> 01:03:19,440
Speaker 1: third time, and so much good shit to think about.

1152
01:03:19,680 --> 01:03:23,720
Speaker 1: And I mean you are the epitome of the stoic play.

1153
01:03:23,760 --> 01:03:28,360
Speaker 1: You're giving rule as well. So I tip my hat

1154
01:03:28,400 --> 01:03:32,440
Speaker 1: to you, sir. And what's what's one thing that you

1155
01:03:32,480 --> 01:03:36,479
Speaker 1: are very much looking forward to now that you've had

1156
01:03:36,600 --> 01:03:38,720
Speaker 1: that second chance from the universe.

1157
01:03:38,880 --> 01:03:41,840
Speaker 2: Watching my kids and my grandchild grow up and just

1158
01:03:41,880 --> 01:03:45,000
Speaker 2: seeing you know, what they become, that's still the exciting.

1159
01:03:45,080 --> 01:03:47,480
Speaker 2: And watch another I mean, you know, where I live,

1160
01:03:47,520 --> 01:03:50,480
Speaker 2: there's kids around, and I love I love watch and

1161
01:03:50,560 --> 01:03:55,200
Speaker 2: see how they change, you know, and just you know,

1162
01:03:55,360 --> 01:03:58,560
Speaker 2: just the day to day growth, you know, or year

1163
01:03:58,560 --> 01:04:01,040
Speaker 2: to year growth that you see with kids. I just

1164
01:04:01,080 --> 01:04:05,680
Speaker 2: think it's amazing. And so that's, you know, I think

1165
01:04:05,720 --> 01:04:08,880
Speaker 2: that's probably the thing that I'm most interested and curious

1166
01:04:08,920 --> 01:04:10,680
Speaker 2: about what's going to happen. Is you know, how are

1167
01:04:10,720 --> 01:04:13,520
Speaker 2: these people that I know and I've watched them from

1168
01:04:13,600 --> 01:04:16,720
Speaker 2: day one? And you know how you know when they're

1169
01:04:16,760 --> 01:04:19,480
Speaker 2: full grown adults, what does that look like? I think

1170
01:04:19,520 --> 01:04:21,520
Speaker 2: that's the thing I'm most interested in. And then then

1171
01:04:21,560 --> 01:04:24,480
Speaker 2: the other thing is is I get I'm sixty three now,

1172
01:04:25,160 --> 01:04:27,720
Speaker 2: so I don't know. I lived twenty more years. I

1173
01:04:27,760 --> 01:04:30,040
Speaker 2: don't know what it is. But you know, how how

1174
01:04:30,080 --> 01:04:33,080
Speaker 2: do I age? Do I age gracefully? You know? Do I?

1175
01:04:34,040 --> 01:04:36,200
Speaker 2: You know, I'm just kind of curious to see kind

1176
01:04:36,200 --> 01:04:40,600
Speaker 2: of what's next, because there's going to be a next

1177
01:04:40,640 --> 01:04:43,400
Speaker 2: thing and I'm really curious to see what that is

1178
01:04:43,440 --> 01:04:44,800
Speaker 2: and how I respond to it.

1179
01:04:45,400 --> 01:04:48,240
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, I love that the curiosity be. And actually,

1180
01:04:48,240 --> 01:04:52,240
Speaker 1: what's written on my bathroom murror right now is growing

1181
01:04:52,280 --> 01:04:54,000
Speaker 1: old is a privilege tonight.

1182
01:04:54,120 --> 01:04:56,960
Speaker 2: And yeah, I like that growing old as a privilege

1183
01:04:57,000 --> 01:04:59,640
Speaker 2: of nine too many I'll remember that, Paul, Thank you

1184
01:04:59,680 --> 01:05:00,000
Speaker 2: for that one.

1185
01:05:00,720 --> 01:05:02,640
Speaker 3: Very cool. I think you need to write a book

1186
01:05:02,680 --> 01:05:04,720
Speaker 3: on this, really.

1187
01:05:05,280 --> 01:05:07,680
Speaker 1: I think there's I think there's another book of of

1188
01:05:07,760 --> 01:05:12,680
Speaker 1: what you learned, because you've just you've got not only

1189
01:05:13,040 --> 01:05:16,280
Speaker 1: amazing insights that you've amassed over your years.

1190
01:05:16,320 --> 01:05:17,360
Speaker 3: But but you have.

1191
01:05:18,240 --> 01:05:22,920
Speaker 1: Just a way of fucking delivering those insights with impact.

1192
01:05:24,280 --> 01:05:27,680
Speaker 1: And I often say the best thing that anybody ever

1193
01:05:27,760 --> 01:05:31,560
Speaker 1: said on my podcast was you saying, in order to

1194
01:05:31,560 --> 01:05:33,560
Speaker 1: optimize your life, you need to take on as much

1195
01:05:33,640 --> 01:05:38,360
Speaker 1: challenges and responsibility as you can tolerate, and every now

1196
01:05:38,400 --> 01:05:40,680
Speaker 1: and then you need to walk right to the edge

1197
01:05:40,680 --> 01:05:44,640
Speaker 1: of yourself and stir into the abyss like that, look

1198
01:05:44,680 --> 01:05:47,880
Speaker 1: over the edge, look over the edge, take.

1199
01:05:47,640 --> 01:05:50,760
Speaker 2: On to the edge, don't jump, just look over.

1200
01:05:52,760 --> 01:05:56,120
Speaker 1: And me and you have had the benefit of actually

1201
01:05:56,400 --> 01:06:00,200
Speaker 1: really looking into the abyss now and walking back and

1202
01:06:00,320 --> 01:06:06,400
Speaker 1: taking on the lessons, so that actually in retrospect, and

1203
01:06:06,640 --> 01:06:08,760
Speaker 1: I know you're the same because you said at the start,

1204
01:06:09,160 --> 01:06:12,479
Speaker 1: is actually a privilege to be able to really stir

1205
01:06:12,600 --> 01:06:15,640
Speaker 1: into the abyss and to walk back.

1206
01:06:15,560 --> 01:06:20,080
Speaker 2: And that be and not be eternally wounded by m Yeah, yes,

1207
01:06:20,240 --> 01:06:23,560
Speaker 2: very true, Very cool.

1208
01:06:23,120 --> 01:06:26,200
Speaker 3: Doctor Stanley Beacham. You are frigging awesome.

1209
01:06:26,280 --> 01:06:30,280
Speaker 1: So work can people go to find more about you

1210
01:06:30,520 --> 01:06:33,320
Speaker 1: and and get your awesome book Elite Minds, which they

1211
01:06:33,360 --> 01:06:36,320
Speaker 1: have to get, and and also whether they'll be able

1212
01:06:36,360 --> 01:06:38,959
Speaker 1: to find your next book when you've managed to write it.

1213
01:06:38,880 --> 01:06:41,560
Speaker 2: Well, you buy everything on Amazon now right, so the

1214
01:06:41,600 --> 01:06:43,720
Speaker 2: book you can that's the best play to get it

1215
01:06:43,800 --> 01:06:46,760
Speaker 2: is Amazon. And then I have a website, doctor Standbeacham

1216
01:06:46,840 --> 01:06:50,360
Speaker 2: dot com and you can track me down that way

1217
01:06:50,520 --> 01:06:52,160
Speaker 2: or on LinkedIn. I'm on LinkedIn.

1218
01:06:52,720 --> 01:06:56,600
Speaker 1: Yeah cool, excellent, Thanks Stan, I will thank you forward

1219
01:06:56,600 --> 01:06:57,520
Speaker 1: to seeing you again.

1220
01:06:57,760 --> 01:06:58,400
Speaker 3: Cheers mate.

1221
01:06:58,600 --> 01:06:59,120
Speaker 2: Okay,