1
00:00:05,921 --> 00:00:16,761
Speaker 1: Apoge production, She Rises Twelve Days of Christmas.

2
00:00:16,801 --> 00:00:19,561
Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to day three of Twelve Days

3
00:00:19,561 --> 00:00:21,561
Speaker 2: of Christmas with Ashley and Tiana. If you've missed the

4
00:00:21,641 --> 00:00:23,680
Speaker 2: last two episodes, please go back and listen because they

5
00:00:23,681 --> 00:00:27,761
Speaker 2: are super potent, really informative, and just important conversations to have.

6
00:00:28,001 --> 00:00:31,681
Speaker 2: Absolutely dressed in slie pajamas with tinsel wrap around our microphone,

7
00:00:31,961 --> 00:00:34,840
Speaker 2: but we're also having a very deep conversation absolutely, and

8
00:00:34,921 --> 00:00:38,600
Speaker 2: today's title is the Gift of Self Worth, Stop buying

9
00:00:38,641 --> 00:00:42,600
Speaker 2: approval this Christmas. When we were doing this episode, I

10
00:00:42,641 --> 00:00:45,761
Speaker 2: was like, coll I can relate to this so much.

11
00:00:45,881 --> 00:00:49,161
Speaker 2: So I just always thought, the more that I buy people,

12
00:00:49,281 --> 00:00:52,761
Speaker 2: the more money I spend, the more they will feel loved. Yeah,

13
00:00:52,961 --> 00:00:55,521
Speaker 2: and I think I will go into personal stories. Let's

14
00:00:55,521 --> 00:00:58,441
Speaker 2: go straight into it. Let's waste absolutely no time. It's Christmas.

15
00:00:59,921 --> 00:01:02,321
Speaker 2: So a few years ago, I was in a position

16
00:01:02,361 --> 00:01:03,920
Speaker 2: where I was at the peak of my career. I

17
00:01:03,961 --> 00:01:07,121
Speaker 2: definitely had a lot of money, and I spent a

18
00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:09,801
Speaker 2: lot of money on my friends and my family, and

19
00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:13,121
Speaker 2: I used to have a fear that they obviously knew

20
00:01:13,121 --> 00:01:15,121
Speaker 2: that I was in a good position with money, that

21
00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:17,200
Speaker 2: if I didn't spend a lot on them for birthdays

22
00:01:17,241 --> 00:01:19,521
Speaker 2: and Christmases and stuff that they would feel like I

23
00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:21,601
Speaker 2: was stingy, or I was a tighter, or like I

24
00:01:21,601 --> 00:01:24,481
Speaker 2: didn't care about them, so I went over the top

25
00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:28,121
Speaker 2: with presents and spending so much money. And now, pop

26
00:01:28,161 --> 00:01:31,080
Speaker 2: a reflection, I'm like, wow, I'm a generous person by nature.

27
00:01:31,121 --> 00:01:32,881
Speaker 2: I love giving. I've always did it from in a

28
00:01:32,881 --> 00:01:35,000
Speaker 2: position to help. I always will be, not taking away

29
00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:37,560
Speaker 2: from that, but it was definitely from a place of fear,

30
00:01:38,241 --> 00:01:41,560
Speaker 2: whereas now it's more from a place of like love

31
00:01:41,761 --> 00:01:44,081
Speaker 2: and making it sentimental and I want them to feel special,

32
00:01:44,081 --> 00:01:46,440
Speaker 2: but I don't fear that if I don't buy them

33
00:01:46,441 --> 00:01:48,121
Speaker 2: that they're gonna leave me or they don't love me.

34
00:01:48,601 --> 00:01:50,441
Speaker 2: And there's such a different energy behind it.

35
00:01:50,841 --> 00:01:52,921
Speaker 3: Yeah, Like there's no secondary thing on the end of that.

36
00:01:52,921 --> 00:01:55,041
Speaker 3: It's like, oh, it comes from a genuine want and

37
00:01:55,201 --> 00:01:59,321
Speaker 3: genuine place of like love, yes, instead of like oh shit,

38
00:01:59,481 --> 00:02:01,401
Speaker 3: like yeah, I don't do this, I'm not good enough.

39
00:02:01,441 --> 00:02:02,721
Speaker 4: Well, they're not gonna love me as much.

40
00:02:02,801 --> 00:02:04,721
Speaker 2: And there's also the flip side for them, which I

41
00:02:04,761 --> 00:02:07,121
Speaker 2: sell resually didn't think about how it made them feel.

42
00:02:07,521 --> 00:02:10,641
Speaker 2: Is when I would overspend and overgive them, they would

43
00:02:10,681 --> 00:02:12,281
Speaker 2: then be upset they couldn't do the same for me.

44
00:02:13,041 --> 00:02:14,961
Speaker 2: So I didn't think about the tail end of that, like,

45
00:02:15,001 --> 00:02:16,681
Speaker 2: oh gosh, I would feel like that too if my

46
00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:18,961
Speaker 2: friend was buying me all this extravagant stuff and then

47
00:02:19,001 --> 00:02:20,921
Speaker 2: I didn't have the budget to buy them that for them.

48
00:02:21,561 --> 00:02:23,121
Speaker 2: So there was that side of it as well. So

49
00:02:23,201 --> 00:02:25,441
Speaker 2: upon reflection, like, it's just that's not important how much

50
00:02:25,441 --> 00:02:28,120
Speaker 2: you spend. It really isn't like it's so true. Someone

51
00:02:28,161 --> 00:02:30,721
Speaker 2: writes me a beautiful card and like prints out a photo,

52
00:02:30,721 --> 00:02:32,481
Speaker 2: I'm like, oh my gosh, it's so beautiful. It's the

53
00:02:32,481 --> 00:02:35,081
Speaker 2: thought that goes into it. This episode is just all

54
00:02:35,121 --> 00:02:38,401
Speaker 2: about having the awareness around where are you overgiving might

55
00:02:38,481 --> 00:02:42,401
Speaker 2: have been money, but gifts time, energy, in fear of

56
00:02:42,401 --> 00:02:45,121
Speaker 2: being abandoned, in fear of not being loved. Yes, do

57
00:02:45,161 --> 00:02:46,881
Speaker 2: you have a time where you felt like you've overgiven?

58
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:48,120
Speaker 4: Oh my god, all the time?

59
00:02:48,201 --> 00:02:49,041
Speaker 2: So tell us.

60
00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:52,241
Speaker 3: There was a period of my life where I was

61
00:02:52,441 --> 00:02:55,681
Speaker 3: surrounded by this environment of women and they were all

62
00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:58,561
Speaker 3: doing really cool things in business, like and this may

63
00:02:58,601 --> 00:03:00,681
Speaker 3: have been like you know what you just explained. So

64
00:03:00,841 --> 00:03:02,400
Speaker 3: I was around these women who were doing really, really

65
00:03:02,441 --> 00:03:04,361
Speaker 3: cool things in business, and I almost felt like I

66
00:03:04,441 --> 00:03:05,400
Speaker 3: needed to keep up with them.

67
00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:06,121
Speaker 4: Oh yeah.

68
00:03:06,121 --> 00:03:09,161
Speaker 3: And so it was like I was finding myself overly

69
00:03:09,201 --> 00:03:12,840
Speaker 3: giving and naturally I'm a thoughtful person, so I feel

70
00:03:12,841 --> 00:03:15,201
Speaker 3: like I would naturally think of these things, but to

71
00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:17,721
Speaker 3: the point where I wanted to match kind of what

72
00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,241
Speaker 3: they were doing, but it would put me out, so

73
00:03:20,361 --> 00:03:23,441
Speaker 3: like because I wanted to like portray myself as something

74
00:03:23,601 --> 00:03:28,041
Speaker 3: or feel as worthy as them based on money or

75
00:03:28,161 --> 00:03:29,120
Speaker 3: amounts or whatever.

76
00:03:29,201 --> 00:03:30,201
Speaker 4: I would be like, oh, you.

77
00:03:30,121 --> 00:03:31,481
Speaker 3: Know, like I want to give them this, and then

78
00:03:31,481 --> 00:03:33,240
Speaker 3: I would do it, but then I would be like, fuck,

79
00:03:33,321 --> 00:03:35,801
Speaker 3: my bank account is not looking good right now because

80
00:03:35,801 --> 00:03:37,641
Speaker 3: I've now put myself out because I wanted to give

81
00:03:37,641 --> 00:03:39,761
Speaker 3: them something that was like really good, but it was

82
00:03:39,801 --> 00:03:42,321
Speaker 3: like yes, about giving, but it was also about me

83
00:03:42,881 --> 00:03:45,641
Speaker 3: not wanting to feel not good enough in myself. So

84
00:03:45,681 --> 00:03:48,681
Speaker 3: it was really like strange, Like yeah, a strange time.

85
00:03:48,721 --> 00:03:51,441
Speaker 3: And there was also a time where around that same

86
00:03:51,481 --> 00:03:55,161
Speaker 3: time where I would overly give, but a part of

87
00:03:55,201 --> 00:03:59,241
Speaker 3: me wanted to make myself like so valuable that that

88
00:03:59,281 --> 00:04:00,441
Speaker 3: person would see that I was.

89
00:04:00,481 --> 00:04:02,481
Speaker 2: Valuable so they wouldn't leave.

90
00:04:02,641 --> 00:04:04,921
Speaker 3: Yeah, Like it's almost like I wanted them to need

91
00:04:05,121 --> 00:04:07,761
Speaker 3: me in a way, right. I wanted them to like

92
00:04:08,161 --> 00:04:10,321
Speaker 3: value me and love me and be like, oh my god,

93
00:04:10,361 --> 00:04:12,081
Speaker 3: she's like such a good friend and all the things.

94
00:04:12,161 --> 00:04:13,761
Speaker 4: So I was like, oh my god, I'm so terrified

95
00:04:13,801 --> 00:04:14,401
Speaker 4: being left.

96
00:04:15,001 --> 00:04:17,721
Speaker 3: If I can some way make myself like valuable as

97
00:04:17,721 --> 00:04:20,041
Speaker 3: a friend, yeah, then maybe they won't ever leave me.

98
00:04:20,241 --> 00:04:21,121
Speaker 4: And like, I can tell you.

99
00:04:21,081 --> 00:04:23,761
Speaker 2: It doesn't work. It doesn't work, you know.

100
00:04:23,841 --> 00:04:27,121
Speaker 3: So that also came from a hugely fear based place

101
00:04:27,241 --> 00:04:30,361
Speaker 3: and also super unworthy place as a person as a friend,

102
00:04:30,921 --> 00:04:33,681
Speaker 3: not feeling like I was deserving of having somebody come

103
00:04:33,721 --> 00:04:36,241
Speaker 3: and love me just for me, as opposed to like

104
00:04:36,481 --> 00:04:37,841
Speaker 3: the things that I could do for them.

105
00:04:38,041 --> 00:04:38,281
Speaker 4: Yeah.

106
00:04:38,361 --> 00:04:41,200
Speaker 3: Actually, I just had a fucking pivotal realization. I do

107
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:44,520
Speaker 3: that in relationships. Oh, I do that in relationships. I

108
00:04:44,601 --> 00:04:48,121
Speaker 3: make myself valuable. I do overgiven because I overextend myself

109
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:51,001
Speaker 3: in intimate relationships. It's a problem of mine. I'm trying

110
00:04:51,001 --> 00:04:52,561
Speaker 3: to pull that back act. She's trying to help me.

111
00:04:52,961 --> 00:04:55,280
Speaker 2: But it's also like from such a beautiful place as well.

112
00:04:55,361 --> 00:04:57,121
Speaker 2: It's a hard balance. It's hard balance.

113
00:04:57,201 --> 00:04:57,721
Speaker 4: It is.

114
00:04:57,801 --> 00:05:00,161
Speaker 3: It does come from a good place, but I overextend

115
00:05:00,161 --> 00:05:02,881
Speaker 3: myself and I almost feel like if I over extend,

116
00:05:03,001 --> 00:05:05,640
Speaker 3: then I will be more worthy all my and it

117
00:05:05,841 --> 00:05:07,761
Speaker 3: just is not a nice place to come from.

118
00:05:07,921 --> 00:05:10,281
Speaker 2: Yeah, I've done that in work situations too, like trying

119
00:05:10,281 --> 00:05:12,121
Speaker 2: to build my friends following up or like invest like

120
00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:14,440
Speaker 2: give money to help start their businesses or get seemed

121
00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:15,881
Speaker 2: to all their website or the ads, and like we

122
00:05:16,001 --> 00:05:18,601
Speaker 2: just give, give, give like it's from Yeah, it's from

123
00:05:18,641 --> 00:05:21,961
Speaker 2: a fearful place. Black. Yeah, from black, it really is.

124
00:05:22,281 --> 00:05:25,001
Speaker 3: It's such a slippery slope as well, because I think

125
00:05:25,001 --> 00:05:26,921
Speaker 3: it's hard. It's hard to sit in it when you

126
00:05:26,961 --> 00:05:29,361
Speaker 3: first recognize it, because you're like, well, it does come

127
00:05:29,401 --> 00:05:31,201
Speaker 3: from a good place, so why is it bad that

128
00:05:31,241 --> 00:05:31,801
Speaker 3: I'm doing this?

129
00:05:32,001 --> 00:05:34,241
Speaker 2: Exactly? But to what extent? To what extent?

130
00:05:34,561 --> 00:05:34,760
Speaker 4: Yeah?

131
00:05:34,801 --> 00:05:36,721
Speaker 3: I think that's the conversation we're having here is like,

132
00:05:37,121 --> 00:05:39,561
Speaker 3: to what extent are you over extending yourself? Does it

133
00:05:39,601 --> 00:05:41,880
Speaker 3: come from a place of genuine like, oh my gosh,

134
00:05:42,161 --> 00:05:44,641
Speaker 3: if they never gave anything back, never said anything, I

135
00:05:44,681 --> 00:05:47,201
Speaker 3: didn't get validation for this. There's no expectation, there's no

136
00:05:47,281 --> 00:05:50,041
Speaker 3: expectation would this still feel good? And then where does

137
00:05:50,081 --> 00:05:52,281
Speaker 3: that line start where it starts to feel a bit like, oh,

138
00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:55,041
Speaker 3: this feels a bit icky, or I'm putting myself out,

139
00:05:55,161 --> 00:05:57,801
Speaker 3: or financially, I can't fucking afford this gift. Where does

140
00:05:57,841 --> 00:06:00,200
Speaker 3: your line sit in your generosity?

141
00:06:00,521 --> 00:06:03,081
Speaker 2: That's so true. Yeah, and then there's the line I

142
00:06:03,201 --> 00:06:06,161
Speaker 2: found too overgiving and everything, Like I was always the

143
00:06:06,201 --> 00:06:10,121
Speaker 2: friend that organizes everything, pays for everything. I love doing that.

144
00:06:10,161 --> 00:06:11,961
Speaker 2: But then I got to a point where I was like, oh,

145
00:06:12,121 --> 00:06:14,401
Speaker 2: I always feel like this is expected and my faults.

146
00:06:14,401 --> 00:06:16,121
Speaker 2: I've set it up like that. Then I started to

147
00:06:16,361 --> 00:06:18,681
Speaker 2: not feel appreciated for it, and like they expected me

148
00:06:18,721 --> 00:06:21,361
Speaker 2: to organize and pay for everything for everyone, and that

149
00:06:21,401 --> 00:06:24,201
Speaker 2: didn't feel good either. So now it's like, even if

150
00:06:24,201 --> 00:06:26,241
Speaker 2: I'm in a position to pay for something and you've

151
00:06:26,241 --> 00:06:28,801
Speaker 2: pulled me up on this before my current birthday coming up,

152
00:06:28,841 --> 00:06:30,440
Speaker 2: You're like, no, everyone can ship in for a commination.

153
00:06:30,481 --> 00:06:33,080
Speaker 2: It's like we No, I've always paid for everyone to

154
00:06:33,081 --> 00:06:34,681
Speaker 2: say like us gem and to buy and I paid

155
00:06:34,681 --> 00:06:35,880
Speaker 2: for it all. I'm not gonna all of a sudden

156
00:06:35,921 --> 00:06:38,081
Speaker 2: ask my friends for money. You're like, yes, you are,

157
00:06:39,281 --> 00:06:42,601
Speaker 2: because it's fair. But that is really uncomfortable because I've

158
00:06:42,641 --> 00:06:45,401
Speaker 2: always done that. It's interesting to see the different things

159
00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:47,961
Speaker 2: that can play out when you overgive, and where it's

160
00:06:48,001 --> 00:06:52,361
Speaker 2: coming from and also what comes back energy wise, expectations

161
00:06:52,401 --> 00:06:54,281
Speaker 2: you have on other people. Are you doing it to

162
00:06:54,281 --> 00:06:56,921
Speaker 2: get validation? Are you wanting to be seen? There's so

163
00:06:56,961 --> 00:06:57,721
Speaker 2: many layers to.

164
00:06:57,721 --> 00:07:00,241
Speaker 3: It, hate and even the fear that you felt of like,

165
00:07:00,281 --> 00:07:02,041
Speaker 3: oh but I've always done this, Now I can't go

166
00:07:02,121 --> 00:07:04,440
Speaker 3: back on that. Yeah, So then the expectation is almost

167
00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:06,561
Speaker 3: on you of like have to continue showing up like this.

168
00:07:06,681 --> 00:07:08,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I'm fearful they won't come if they can't

169
00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:10,281
Speaker 2: afford it. So I'm like, oh, I'd just rather cover

170
00:07:10,321 --> 00:07:11,401
Speaker 2: it and then I know everyone can come.

171
00:07:11,521 --> 00:07:11,721
Speaker 4: Yeah.

172
00:07:11,761 --> 00:07:14,121
Speaker 2: I don't want money to ever be a reason why

173
00:07:14,161 --> 00:07:15,761
Speaker 2: women can't come together and connect.

174
00:07:15,841 --> 00:07:18,001
Speaker 4: Yeah. It also comes from a caretaking place.

175
00:07:18,281 --> 00:07:18,441
Speaker 2: Yeah.

176
00:07:18,481 --> 00:07:20,521
Speaker 3: I love my people. I want to take care of her.

177
00:07:20,681 --> 00:07:22,361
Speaker 3: I want them to have a good time. Yes, want

178
00:07:22,401 --> 00:07:24,041
Speaker 3: them to celebrate with me for my birthday.

179
00:07:24,121 --> 00:07:25,801
Speaker 2: I don't want my birthday to be it's something that

180
00:07:25,801 --> 00:07:28,481
Speaker 2: they're stressing about money. Yes, Like if I just cover it,

181
00:07:28,521 --> 00:07:29,881
Speaker 2: then ever, I come and had a good time.

182
00:07:29,921 --> 00:07:32,241
Speaker 3: And how beautiful is this conversation because it shows that

183
00:07:32,281 --> 00:07:34,481
Speaker 3: it comes from a good place. Yes, It's always comes

184
00:07:34,521 --> 00:07:36,761
Speaker 3: from a place of love. But then it's also like

185
00:07:36,881 --> 00:07:39,481
Speaker 3: where does the line lie in that generosity, especially if

186
00:07:39,481 --> 00:07:42,161
Speaker 3: it's starting to come expected, because then in my head,

187
00:07:42,201 --> 00:07:45,161
Speaker 3: I'm like, oh that, let's prevent future things from happening.

188
00:07:45,281 --> 00:07:47,481
Speaker 4: Yeah, where it could potentially ruin the dynamic.

189
00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:50,641
Speaker 2: I've got another girlfriend that's very very wealthy for you

190
00:07:50,681 --> 00:07:53,441
Speaker 2: know her, she's very very wealthy. I've had similar conversations

191
00:07:53,441 --> 00:07:55,361
Speaker 2: with her too, and she does what I've done as

192
00:07:55,401 --> 00:07:57,801
Speaker 2: well and just overgives. But you can see that it

193
00:07:57,841 --> 00:08:00,361
Speaker 2: causes her pain because people just expect it and almost

194
00:08:00,801 --> 00:08:02,681
Speaker 2: use her for her money, or use her for her clothes,

195
00:08:02,721 --> 00:08:04,721
Speaker 2: or use her for her connections or the way that

196
00:08:04,761 --> 00:08:08,681
Speaker 2: she can get anything to happen. It's really sad because

197
00:08:08,681 --> 00:08:11,201
Speaker 2: it's like they must feel like they're being taken advantage of.

198
00:08:11,641 --> 00:08:13,721
Speaker 2: But to take responsibility, you've set it up like that.

199
00:08:13,961 --> 00:08:16,681
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, it's hard because you want to give

200
00:08:16,721 --> 00:08:18,281
Speaker 3: and you want to be generous and caring. But then

201
00:08:18,281 --> 00:08:20,521
Speaker 3: it's like, okay, where can I have boundaries with myself?

202
00:08:20,601 --> 00:08:22,641
Speaker 3: Because it's true like what you said, Like she even

203
00:08:22,681 --> 00:08:24,081
Speaker 3: made a joke. She was like, oh, we need to

204
00:08:24,081 --> 00:08:25,521
Speaker 3: go on a girl's trip and this and that, and

205
00:08:25,761 --> 00:08:27,481
Speaker 3: I want everybody to come, but I was thinking about

206
00:08:27,521 --> 00:08:29,161
Speaker 3: just buying everybody flights so we could all go together.

207
00:08:29,201 --> 00:08:31,201
Speaker 4: I was like, no, babe, you're not paying for my flight.

208
00:08:31,321 --> 00:08:33,521
Speaker 3: Like I love you, but no, you know, And it's

209
00:08:33,561 --> 00:08:35,761
Speaker 3: like the general city is so beautiful, and it's thought

210
00:08:35,761 --> 00:08:38,801
Speaker 3: that I'm like, that's so beautiful that you want everyone

211
00:08:38,841 --> 00:08:40,881
Speaker 3: to come together, that you're willing to spend your heart

212
00:08:40,921 --> 00:08:43,481
Speaker 3: earned resources on bringing us all together. But it's not

213
00:08:43,521 --> 00:08:46,681
Speaker 3: your responsibility. And I think Christmas is a really good

214
00:08:47,001 --> 00:08:50,281
Speaker 3: piece of evidence of this. How many times do we

215
00:08:50,441 --> 00:08:53,601
Speaker 3: overly extend ourselves at Christmas, especially financially, whether you're in

216
00:08:53,641 --> 00:08:55,881
Speaker 3: a good financial position, whether you or not, like whether

217
00:08:55,921 --> 00:08:59,081
Speaker 3: you're really struggling at Christmas. Like it's like this expectation

218
00:08:59,161 --> 00:09:01,081
Speaker 3: and we get it. Christmas is a beautiful time for

219
00:09:01,161 --> 00:09:03,281
Speaker 3: most people, and so you want to get in that

220
00:09:03,361 --> 00:09:05,521
Speaker 3: Christmas spirit and give gifts to the people you love,

221
00:09:05,561 --> 00:09:08,801
Speaker 3: But like to what extent as well, Like where can

222
00:09:08,841 --> 00:09:11,041
Speaker 3: you limit yourself of like can you give yourself even

223
00:09:11,081 --> 00:09:12,841
Speaker 3: like a budget or something like that, don't have like

224
00:09:12,841 --> 00:09:14,681
Speaker 3: a certain amount that you spend on each person, because

225
00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:16,641
Speaker 3: I know for me in the past, I'd be like,

226
00:09:16,681 --> 00:09:18,121
Speaker 3: oh my god, I got to spend X amount of

227
00:09:18,121 --> 00:09:19,521
Speaker 3: money on this person, and I'd be like, the fuck,

228
00:09:19,521 --> 00:09:21,401
Speaker 3: I gotta do that for like twenty people? Yeah, you know,

229
00:09:21,441 --> 00:09:23,641
Speaker 3: and then I'm like, oh my god, I'm overwhelmed. Yeah,

230
00:09:23,721 --> 00:09:25,441
Speaker 3: it's like you know at the time ome when I

231
00:09:25,481 --> 00:09:27,081
Speaker 3: was younger, and I'd be like, I saved up all

232
00:09:27,081 --> 00:09:28,961
Speaker 3: this money, so good to Christmas come around form all

233
00:09:28,961 --> 00:09:31,121
Speaker 3: my savings is gone. Yeah, I'm like, shit, I've got

234
00:09:31,161 --> 00:09:33,721
Speaker 3: no boundaries with myself. So I wonder if this is

235
00:09:33,761 --> 00:09:36,921
Speaker 3: a time where we can reinvent and recreate the way

236
00:09:36,921 --> 00:09:40,161
Speaker 3: that we behave around Christmas so that when you are giving,

237
00:09:40,281 --> 00:09:42,721
Speaker 3: it's coming from a good place and it feels just

238
00:09:42,801 --> 00:09:45,201
Speaker 3: as good to give as it does for that person

239
00:09:45,241 --> 00:09:45,681
Speaker 3: to receive.

240
00:09:45,841 --> 00:09:48,121
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, Steve's mum put a good boundary in

241
00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:49,881
Speaker 2: place because she doesn't have a lot of money, and

242
00:09:49,961 --> 00:09:51,881
Speaker 2: each year we all have a twenty do limit. Yeah,

243
00:09:52,041 --> 00:09:53,801
Speaker 2: not allowed to spend any more than twenty dollars. And

244
00:09:53,841 --> 00:09:56,361
Speaker 2: I think because once again Steve and I were overgiving,

245
00:09:56,441 --> 00:09:58,281
Speaker 2: then she would feel like shit that she couldn't afford

246
00:09:58,321 --> 00:10:00,601
Speaker 2: to so she put it in place. And at first

247
00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:01,561
Speaker 2: I was like, what the fuck am I need to

248
00:10:01,561 --> 00:10:03,961
Speaker 2: buy for twenty dollars, but actually made me think more

249
00:10:03,961 --> 00:10:06,721
Speaker 2: about something more sentim Its beautiful and the kids would

250
00:10:06,721 --> 00:10:09,361
Speaker 2: make somethings that would buy something And it's nice because

251
00:10:09,361 --> 00:10:12,481
Speaker 2: there's no pressure on anyone. And also Christmas doesn't just

252
00:10:12,521 --> 00:10:14,441
Speaker 2: have to be about the gifts. Yah, It's about actually

253
00:10:14,481 --> 00:10:17,561
Speaker 2: about coming together and action, connection and love and just

254
00:10:17,601 --> 00:10:19,481
Speaker 2: being fully present with each other and having a day

255
00:10:19,481 --> 00:10:22,601
Speaker 2: where you all get to celebrate beautiful. That about the

256
00:10:22,601 --> 00:10:25,761
Speaker 2: money and the gifts, right, yeah, sure, but it's just

257
00:10:25,761 --> 00:10:28,121
Speaker 2: once again having that self awareness of like, okay, am

258
00:10:28,121 --> 00:10:30,321
Speaker 2: I overgiving it? And why am I doing that? And

259
00:10:30,361 --> 00:10:32,921
Speaker 2: at what cost? Yes? How does that feel? How does

260
00:10:32,921 --> 00:10:34,481
Speaker 2: it make the other person feel? Absolutely?

261
00:10:34,521 --> 00:10:38,921
Speaker 3: It almost like presents any discord between family people that

262
00:10:39,001 --> 00:10:42,081
Speaker 3: you actually love. I imagine, like lots of people do Secret.

263
00:10:41,801 --> 00:10:43,641
Speaker 2: Santa, Yes, and they put a budget on it. I've

264
00:10:43,641 --> 00:10:45,721
Speaker 2: always thought Secret Center was really cool, so fun.

265
00:10:45,841 --> 00:10:47,601
Speaker 4: I haven't done that with my family, but I really

266
00:10:47,641 --> 00:10:48,921
Speaker 4: should because there's so many of us.

267
00:10:49,041 --> 00:10:50,441
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a good idea because then you're just buying

268
00:10:50,481 --> 00:10:52,641
Speaker 2: one present. Yes, everyone just has their Secret Sanda. You

269
00:10:52,641 --> 00:10:54,681
Speaker 2: don't have my gifts for everyone else. Yeah, that saves

270
00:10:54,681 --> 00:10:55,201
Speaker 2: a lot of money.

271
00:10:55,241 --> 00:10:59,081
Speaker 4: There are literally eleven grandchildren in my family and just.

272
00:10:59,041 --> 00:11:00,961
Speaker 2: All get together on the same house.

273
00:11:01,121 --> 00:11:01,761
Speaker 4: No because we.

274
00:11:01,721 --> 00:11:04,241
Speaker 3: Live in different states. Oh true, but half of us

275
00:11:04,281 --> 00:11:06,121
Speaker 3: will be for Christmas.

276
00:11:06,201 --> 00:11:08,321
Speaker 4: Yeah, so cool it is. And then it's like that

277
00:11:08,361 --> 00:11:10,161
Speaker 4: and then it's like, oh do I buy for my siblings?

278
00:11:10,241 --> 00:11:10,281
Speaker 1: Is?

279
00:11:10,281 --> 00:11:11,961
Speaker 4: What? What about my parents? And you know.

280
00:11:12,081 --> 00:11:13,641
Speaker 3: So it's just it's one of those things that it

281
00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:16,361
Speaker 3: can build up really really quickly. So I feel like

282
00:11:16,681 --> 00:11:20,001
Speaker 3: boundaries with yourself around Christmas time are so important. But

283
00:11:20,401 --> 00:11:21,881
Speaker 3: when you know that it comes from a good place,

284
00:11:21,921 --> 00:11:22,961
Speaker 3: it's not going to feel as icky.

285
00:11:23,161 --> 00:11:24,921
Speaker 2: It's just a hard thing to navigate, isn't it. I

286
00:11:24,961 --> 00:11:26,921
Speaker 2: feel like I'm still learning to do. I catch myself

287
00:11:26,921 --> 00:11:30,081
Speaker 2: wanting to overgive and overbuy and over and over. I

288
00:11:30,241 --> 00:11:32,761
Speaker 2: overdo it all because there's still that wound there of like, oh,

289
00:11:32,841 --> 00:11:34,281
Speaker 2: if I do this, then they won't leave.

290
00:11:34,481 --> 00:11:34,761
Speaker 4: Yeah.

291
00:11:34,881 --> 00:11:36,681
Speaker 2: You want people to love you for you, not for

292
00:11:36,721 --> 00:11:39,121
Speaker 2: what you can give them. Yeah, and supply them. And

293
00:11:39,161 --> 00:11:41,681
Speaker 2: it's cool to be able to have the conversation. So

294
00:11:41,681 --> 00:11:44,521
Speaker 2: I think even just bringing awareness to it allows you

295
00:11:44,561 --> 00:11:46,521
Speaker 2: to recognize where it's still showing up in your life,

296
00:11:46,521 --> 00:11:48,561
Speaker 2: and then you get to go from there. Okay, cool,

297
00:11:48,561 --> 00:11:51,321
Speaker 2: Do I soothe myself or can I even have a conversation?

298
00:11:51,441 --> 00:11:52,521
Speaker 2: You know, if that was coming up for me and

299
00:11:52,561 --> 00:11:54,481
Speaker 2: be like babe, I guess someone coming up tell me

300
00:11:54,521 --> 00:11:58,681
Speaker 2: you love me? You know, yes, it's really cool. Just

301
00:11:58,681 --> 00:12:01,121
Speaker 2: remember over Christmas that your worth isn't under the tree,

302
00:12:01,161 --> 00:12:03,561
Speaker 2: it's actually just within you. It's the energy you bring,

303
00:12:03,641 --> 00:12:04,601
Speaker 2: it's the love you bring.

304
00:12:05,121 --> 00:12:07,881
Speaker 3: And whilst we've banged on about like the wound of

305
00:12:07,921 --> 00:12:08,961
Speaker 3: this and like where this.

306
00:12:08,881 --> 00:12:11,081
Speaker 4: Actually comes from? What do we actually do with it?

307
00:12:11,161 --> 00:12:12,721
Speaker 4: And how do we actually get ourselves out of it?

308
00:12:12,721 --> 00:12:14,161
Speaker 3: And I think the biggest thing when it comes to

309
00:12:14,321 --> 00:12:17,041
Speaker 3: unworthiness wounds, and at least in my experience, what has

310
00:12:17,041 --> 00:12:20,521
Speaker 3: been the most powerful thing has been learning how to

311
00:12:20,561 --> 00:12:22,761
Speaker 3: sit with the unworthiness when it comes up. So you

312
00:12:22,801 --> 00:12:24,721
Speaker 3: know that part of you that wants to go buy

313
00:12:24,721 --> 00:12:26,641
Speaker 3: a gift or spend two hundred and fifty dollars on

314
00:12:26,641 --> 00:12:29,041
Speaker 3: a gift that you can't afford right now, it's like

315
00:12:29,041 --> 00:12:30,841
Speaker 3: closing your eyes and sitting with yourself and going like

316
00:12:31,001 --> 00:12:32,881
Speaker 3: what is this bringing up for me right now? Like

317
00:12:32,961 --> 00:12:35,641
Speaker 3: where does this come from? And like what am I

318
00:12:35,761 --> 00:12:38,441
Speaker 3: afraid to feel? And then just sitting with it, like

319
00:12:38,481 --> 00:12:40,041
Speaker 3: you don't have to change it. You don't have to

320
00:12:40,041 --> 00:12:42,121
Speaker 3: fix it. You don't have to you know, even put

321
00:12:42,161 --> 00:12:44,681
Speaker 3: an affirmation on it and change the story. I just

322
00:12:44,721 --> 00:12:46,441
Speaker 3: want you to sit with the feeling of not feeling

323
00:12:46,481 --> 00:12:49,761
Speaker 3: good enough or feeling like you need to prove your

324
00:12:49,841 --> 00:12:51,401
Speaker 3: worth for someone to love you.

325
00:12:51,721 --> 00:12:54,041
Speaker 2: And I also want you to think about when those

326
00:12:54,081 --> 00:12:56,241
Speaker 2: stories come up with they're going to leave me, or

327
00:12:56,401 --> 00:12:58,441
Speaker 2: they're not gonna love me, or they're gonna think I'm

328
00:12:58,441 --> 00:13:01,441
Speaker 2: stingy or tight, or I should have done more. Is

329
00:13:01,521 --> 00:13:03,041
Speaker 2: that actual facts?

330
00:13:03,241 --> 00:13:03,481
Speaker 1: Yes?

331
00:13:03,961 --> 00:13:07,241
Speaker 2: Probably not. It's being made up in your head. You're

332
00:13:07,361 --> 00:13:09,961
Speaker 2: insecure about it, you're worried about it, you're projecting it.

333
00:13:10,041 --> 00:13:12,761
Speaker 2: But I almost guarantee that no one else is thinking

334
00:13:12,761 --> 00:13:15,601
Speaker 2: any of that. Absolutely, Just ask yourself, is that the truth?

335
00:13:15,841 --> 00:13:16,081
Speaker 4: No?

336
00:13:16,121 --> 00:13:17,721
Speaker 2: Maybe not? Maybe I can let that go then.

337
00:13:17,641 --> 00:13:19,721
Speaker 3: And honestly, if you're an anxious girly like us, you

338
00:13:19,761 --> 00:13:22,641
Speaker 3: could even bring that into conversation and be vulnerable about

339
00:13:22,641 --> 00:13:24,281
Speaker 3: it if you need a bit of reassurance from the

340
00:13:24,281 --> 00:13:27,001
Speaker 3: person that you don't need to do the big extravagance

341
00:13:27,521 --> 00:13:31,041
Speaker 3: to be love that. Yeah, like asking them what it

342
00:13:31,081 --> 00:13:33,121
Speaker 3: is that they want for Christmas? Hey, Like, can you

343
00:13:33,121 --> 00:13:34,961
Speaker 3: set a budget with that friend. Is that something that

344
00:13:35,001 --> 00:13:36,801
Speaker 3: would feel good for you. You can even be like, Babe,

345
00:13:36,841 --> 00:13:38,481
Speaker 3: I want to buy you the world. I want to

346
00:13:38,481 --> 00:13:41,641
Speaker 3: buy you the world. I love you, and this year financially,

347
00:13:41,681 --> 00:13:44,041
Speaker 3: I'm feeling a little bit stretched. And usually when you

348
00:13:44,081 --> 00:13:46,561
Speaker 3: have conversations that vulnerable, that other person's going to swoop

349
00:13:46,601 --> 00:13:48,321
Speaker 3: in and be like, I fucking love you. Yeah, I

350
00:13:48,321 --> 00:13:50,441
Speaker 3: don't even need a present, a present like actually did

351
00:13:50,441 --> 00:13:54,641
Speaker 3: the other week, but I'm a vio present anyway, you know, Yeah,

352
00:13:54,681 --> 00:13:56,601
Speaker 3: you'll be able to openly have that conversation in a

353
00:13:56,641 --> 00:13:59,361
Speaker 3: really vulnerable way, and I think even that will help

354
00:13:59,441 --> 00:14:01,321
Speaker 3: create connection, reassure you.

355
00:14:01,481 --> 00:14:04,081
Speaker 2: It absolutely squish the stories that are coming out that

356
00:14:04,121 --> 00:14:06,001
Speaker 2: you're making up in your head that far from truth.

357
00:14:06,121 --> 00:14:08,281
Speaker 3: Absolutely, and then that's something that you can squash and

358
00:14:08,321 --> 00:14:10,361
Speaker 3: not have to worry about next time. It's like when

359
00:14:10,401 --> 00:14:12,001
Speaker 3: we do these stories in our head and we make

360
00:14:12,081 --> 00:14:15,601
Speaker 3: things up and we you know, feed those stories bigger.

361
00:14:15,801 --> 00:14:16,721
Speaker 4: Yeah, they get bigger.

362
00:14:16,921 --> 00:14:17,761
Speaker 2: Yeah, you get it.

363
00:14:17,801 --> 00:14:19,721
Speaker 4: They don't have to be No, they don't have to be.

364
00:14:20,041 --> 00:14:21,961
Speaker 4: And also assuming the best of the people in.

365
00:14:21,921 --> 00:14:24,721
Speaker 2: Your life, yeah, not assuming the worst for sure. That's

366
00:14:24,721 --> 00:14:27,041
Speaker 2: a big one here. It is Yeah, it's beautiful. No

367
00:14:27,081 --> 00:14:28,761
Speaker 2: one wants to assume that you're thinking that of them

368
00:14:29,081 --> 00:14:30,441
Speaker 2: when you bring that in. It's like, oh my gosh,

369
00:14:30,441 --> 00:14:32,281
Speaker 2: I would never expect you to buy any present, need that.

370
00:14:32,281 --> 00:14:33,641
Speaker 2: I just want you to come for the day. That's right,

371
00:14:34,081 --> 00:14:34,721
Speaker 2: assuming the best.

372
00:14:34,761 --> 00:14:36,441
Speaker 3: And if you could assume the best of that person

373
00:14:36,441 --> 00:14:38,481
Speaker 3: that you're trying to impress or get approval from.

374
00:14:38,761 --> 00:14:39,801
Speaker 4: What would they say to you?

375
00:14:39,961 --> 00:14:41,521
Speaker 3: If you think that they would say to you if

376
00:14:41,521 --> 00:14:43,561
Speaker 3: you actually brought this to them, they would probably be like,

377
00:14:43,681 --> 00:14:44,401
Speaker 3: you're being silly.

378
00:14:44,561 --> 00:14:47,121
Speaker 2: I love it, please don't And I already brought that

379
00:14:47,121 --> 00:14:50,881
Speaker 2: for myself last week's anyway, I'd be happy if we

380
00:14:50,921 --> 00:14:52,721
Speaker 2: sat on the couch and did nothing together. Just bring

381
00:14:52,761 --> 00:14:54,401
Speaker 2: some rocky road, bring some vibes.

382
00:14:55,721 --> 00:15:01,121
Speaker 3: Road. Let's make this Christmas about connection and part with

383
00:15:01,201 --> 00:15:04,121
Speaker 3: the people that you love and like, actually spending quality

384
00:15:04,161 --> 00:15:06,281
Speaker 3: time with them, as opposed to worrying about what the

385
00:15:06,321 --> 00:15:09,201
Speaker 3: gifts we provide can give or make us feel more worthy.

386
00:15:09,241 --> 00:15:11,361
Speaker 3: Like it's not about us. So the Christmas isn't about us.

387
00:15:11,921 --> 00:15:13,481
Speaker 3: It's about connecting with the people that you love.

388
00:15:13,561 --> 00:15:15,481
Speaker 2: I hope you guys enjoyed this episode and we'll see

389
00:15:15,481 --> 00:15:16,521
Speaker 2: you for Day four

390
00:15:16,841 --> 00:15:19,281
Speaker 4: Tomorrow, Get ready, bye bye,