WEBVTT - #2029 The 'Hard' Scale - Harps & Kelly 0:00:00.480 --> 0:00:04.160 I got a Champs. I'd be good. It's a Sunday afternoon, 0:00:04.200 --> 0:00:07.720 as young Kelly Smith joins me on the U Project couch, 0:00:08.440 --> 0:00:12.479 well not really, the U Project Studio, the Virtual Studio, 0:00:13.039 --> 0:00:15.480 the world of Ta and Y and p hi kel. 0:00:15.600 --> 0:00:16.599 Hi Graig, How are you going? 0:00:17.200 --> 0:00:19.079 I'm going good. How has your weekend been? 0:00:19.960 --> 0:00:20.680 Really good? 0:00:20.920 --> 0:00:21.400 Really good? 0:00:21.440 --> 0:00:24.880 Lots of catching up with people, lots of gym, lots 0:00:24.880 --> 0:00:28.080 of walking. Just got caught in the storm, which was 0:00:28.720 --> 0:00:30.760 a bit of fun, a bit of fun dodging. 0:00:30.480 --> 0:00:33.840 All of that. Yes, it's been quite biblical, the weather, 0:00:34.000 --> 0:00:37.159 it's been quite I've been out most of the afternoon 0:00:37.159 --> 0:00:40.879 building an arc, like just in case I want to 0:00:40.920 --> 0:00:44.240 cover all my bases. You know, one hundred and eighty 0:00:44.280 --> 0:00:46.839 cubits long and forty cubits high. Do you know what 0:00:46.880 --> 0:00:47.519 a cube it is? 0:00:48.120 --> 0:00:48.640 I don't. 0:00:49.360 --> 0:00:52.720 Have you ever heard of that term? Cubits? No? 0:00:52.720 --> 0:00:55.000 No, I haven't, No, really no, what is it? 0:00:55.760 --> 0:00:59.640 Nobody needs to know this, but I'll tell you. So. 0:00:59.720 --> 0:01:02.720 It's biblical measurement in the Old Testament. Of course, when 0:01:03.160 --> 0:01:06.840 all of my lists have just gone up in biblical references, 0:01:07.000 --> 0:01:10.520 they've all gone Oh God. So in the yes, literally, 0:01:10.560 --> 0:01:13.720 oh God. In the Old Testament when Noah's building the arc. 0:01:13.840 --> 0:01:17.000 I can't remember exactly how long, but it's something like 0:01:17.640 --> 0:01:20.600 one hundred and sixty or one hundred and eighty cubits 0:01:20.600 --> 0:01:23.880 And a cubit now, of course this is variable, but 0:01:23.959 --> 0:01:28.480 it's from the elbow to the fingertip, so obviously that's 0:01:28.520 --> 0:01:31.399 going to vary a bit person to person. But it's 0:01:31.520 --> 0:01:37.800 kind of a ballpark unit unit of measurement, and that's 0:01:37.840 --> 0:01:42.039 how that's how it was measured in those days. Height 0:01:42.120 --> 0:01:46.680 and width and length was in cubits. See, nobody needs 0:01:46.720 --> 0:01:49.280 to know that because now we've got centimeters and millimeters 0:01:49.320 --> 0:01:50.680 which are much more accurate. 0:01:51.560 --> 0:01:54.480 But a cubit could be fun, I think, because you're 0:01:54.520 --> 0:01:57.200 always going to be right because it's based on your cubt. 0:02:00.000 --> 0:02:04.120 Wonder how many cubits tall you are? Well, yeah, right, 0:02:05.920 --> 0:02:08.720 m Well it's easy for like, say you had to 0:02:08.720 --> 0:02:10.880 measure your fridge up and you're going the Good Guys 0:02:10.880 --> 0:02:13.679 to get a new one. Might be difficult getting down 0:02:13.720 --> 0:02:15.560 on the floor to get you well on the floor, 0:02:15.639 --> 0:02:17.160 and you might look like a bit of a dick 0:02:17.200 --> 0:02:19.520 in the showroom at the good Guys. They're like, what 0:02:19.560 --> 0:02:22.200 are you doing? I'm just checking the cubits of this fridge. 0:02:23.280 --> 0:02:26.520 Oh it's four and a half cubit soon you. Oh, 0:02:26.560 --> 0:02:29.799 you're welcome world. That's me on a Sunday afternoon. I'm done, 0:02:29.840 --> 0:02:33.240 all right, everyone, it's been great. It's five four, three minutes. 0:02:33.400 --> 0:02:35.919 We're done. There we go drop. 0:02:36.600 --> 0:02:41.280 That was a cubit sized podcast today, done one cubit. 0:02:41.400 --> 0:02:46.440 How long was the podcast? It was one cubit from 0:02:46.440 --> 0:02:51.160 my elbows to my fingertips in terms of time. What 0:02:51.200 --> 0:02:54.720 are we talking about today? You ran something, you sent 0:02:54.760 --> 0:02:56.720 me a message and you went, what about this? Then 0:02:56.720 --> 0:02:59.959 I went, yep, let's open that door because I think 0:03:01.680 --> 0:03:04.240 I think it's broadly relevant, which we try to be 0:03:04.280 --> 0:03:05.160 broadly relevant. 0:03:05.680 --> 0:03:07.640 Well, I hope it is. So for a bit of 0:03:07.680 --> 0:03:11.160 context and anyone that's heard me on here before, I 0:03:11.280 --> 0:03:14.919 do have a certain level of anxiety at any given time, 0:03:15.639 --> 0:03:19.160 and so since being back from my holiday, it's been there. 0:03:19.400 --> 0:03:22.120 And it's either you know, about a nine or about 0:03:22.120 --> 0:03:25.600 a two, but it's there, and me being me, I 0:03:25.720 --> 0:03:28.040 like to ask questions and i'd like to know why. 0:03:28.240 --> 0:03:30.079 I'd like to give it a name or a label 0:03:30.160 --> 0:03:32.720 and then fix it. So I've been listening to a 0:03:32.720 --> 0:03:36.160 few different things, And a consistent theme that's been coming 0:03:36.200 --> 0:03:41.200 up is the power of positive thinking and whether that 0:03:41.440 --> 0:03:45.360 is believing in yourself, having a bit of a mantra, 0:03:46.360 --> 0:03:49.960 having something that you write down actually saying it to yourself, 0:03:50.000 --> 0:03:52.800 which I kind of think that's a bit it's a 0:03:52.840 --> 0:03:54.880 little bit out there for me at the moment, but 0:03:55.720 --> 0:03:58.760 there's a lot of conversations I've been listening to where 0:03:58.800 --> 0:04:02.440 people are saying it actually works for me. If I, 0:04:02.560 --> 0:04:04.160 you know, wake up in the morning and the first 0:04:04.160 --> 0:04:06.320 thing I think is today I'm going to have a 0:04:06.360 --> 0:04:10.960 great day, then that thought kind of that outweighs our 0:04:11.080 --> 0:04:14.760 ship what could go wrong? And I just wanted to 0:04:15.640 --> 0:04:18.920 really get into that and is it something that can 0:04:18.960 --> 0:04:22.760 be powerful and what else is behind that? Because I 0:04:22.800 --> 0:04:26.120 feel like, you know, for someone that lives with anxiety, 0:04:26.200 --> 0:04:30.359 like thoughts are very powerful, but then there's also action, 0:04:31.160 --> 0:04:35.360 So how do they kind of correlate what could be stronger? 0:04:35.920 --> 0:04:38.840 Do they do? They kind of outweigh each other? 0:04:39.279 --> 0:04:43.159 So like, what is it? What is it? Yeah? Is 0:04:43.240 --> 0:04:47.359 positive thinking like oh, life's great and it'll be great 0:04:47.400 --> 0:04:50.960 and I'm great. Well that's delusional thinking, that's not positive thinking. 0:04:51.040 --> 0:04:56.760 So I think, yeah, I think positive thinking is for me, 0:04:56.920 --> 0:05:00.360 And again this conversation about I actually would not what 0:05:00.400 --> 0:05:03.120 the technical definition is. But I don't think there's a 0:05:03.120 --> 0:05:07.880 single definition because it's really a subjective interpretation. But for me, 0:05:08.520 --> 0:05:12.200 positive thinking is not delusional thinking. It's not pretending that 0:05:13.160 --> 0:05:16.800 things are always going to turn out great. And you know, 0:05:16.880 --> 0:05:20.360 life's just an ongoing Disney movie with unicorns and fucking 0:05:20.440 --> 0:05:25.880 puppies and marshmallows. But you know, life's a shitfest at times, 0:05:25.880 --> 0:05:29.120 and life's beautiful at times. But I think positive thinking 0:05:29.320 --> 0:05:33.839 is more about can I manage my mind in a 0:05:33.880 --> 0:05:37.640 productive and positive way in the middle of things that 0:05:37.800 --> 0:05:43.240 might not be so positive? Yeah, So in the shitfest, 0:05:43.320 --> 0:05:45.560 or in the mayhem, or in the unfairness, or in 0:05:45.600 --> 0:05:49.440 the sadness even can I be the person that copes 0:05:49.480 --> 0:05:52.160 And I don't always need to thrive. Sometimes I'm just 0:05:52.160 --> 0:05:56.960 going to survive. Sometimes I'm treading emotional and psychological water, 0:05:57.080 --> 0:06:00.320 and I'm just trying to keep my metaphoric head above 0:06:00.400 --> 0:06:04.919 the ocean of shit that's going on around me. So 0:06:05.120 --> 0:06:10.040 I think that, you know, positive thinking is a convergence 0:06:10.120 --> 0:06:16.360 of managing our mind and our energy and our emotions 0:06:16.800 --> 0:06:21.920 and our choices and our self awareness where we are 0:06:23.360 --> 0:06:26.400 recognizing that things are not always good, or in the moment, 0:06:26.440 --> 0:06:29.880 we might recognize right now, well, this is a catastrophe. 0:06:31.040 --> 0:06:33.240 Like for example, I don't know why this came to mind, 0:06:33.240 --> 0:06:36.480 but you know, when the crab died in the gym, 0:06:36.720 --> 0:06:38.880 my training partner. If you haven't heard this, and I'm 0:06:38.920 --> 0:06:40.640 sure most of you have heard it too many times, 0:06:40.880 --> 0:06:44.480 but like in the middle of all of that, my 0:06:45.000 --> 0:06:47.480 arm and by the way, I'm not saying I did 0:06:47.520 --> 0:06:49.359 a great job at all. I'm just saying that in 0:06:49.400 --> 0:06:51.719 the middle of that, all I could think about was 0:06:51.880 --> 0:06:53.720 how do I fucking save him? What do I need 0:06:53.760 --> 0:06:55.680 to do? What's going to work? What do I not 0:06:55.839 --> 0:06:59.280 need to do? How's the best way to manage this? 0:06:59.320 --> 0:07:03.240 Blah blah blah. Like everything for me, in the middle 0:07:03.279 --> 0:07:08.760 of literally somebody dead, literally everything for me was focused 0:07:08.800 --> 0:07:13.880 on a solution. Everything, like all of my energy, all 0:07:13.920 --> 0:07:20.520 of my intellect, all of my resources, everything. And I 0:07:20.560 --> 0:07:24.040 think probably just as much good luck as good management, 0:07:24.040 --> 0:07:26.600 if I'm being humble and honest, because it could have 0:07:26.680 --> 0:07:31.280 turned out very differently. But for me, I think being 0:07:31.320 --> 0:07:33.960 in that moment where the shit's like, it doesn't get 0:07:34.000 --> 0:07:36.360 any worse than someone dying in front of you. That's it. 0:07:36.400 --> 0:07:38.920 That's the worst day you're ever going to have. Is 0:07:38.960 --> 0:07:41.480 your friend dropping dead? Right? What are you doing in 0:07:41.520 --> 0:07:44.200 the middle of that? And then we can if we go, well, 0:07:44.200 --> 0:07:46.920 that's a ten, that's a ten. It's probably an eleven 0:07:46.960 --> 0:07:51.640 out of ten, you know. And then but I think 0:07:51.680 --> 0:07:56.080 that you know, that's at the extreme end of the scale. 0:07:56.480 --> 0:07:59.200 But I think it can be. It can be that. 0:07:59.240 --> 0:08:01.400 It can that be that kind of self management when 0:08:01.640 --> 0:08:04.880 awareness and regulation of self management of the mind and 0:08:05.040 --> 0:08:12.440 choices and state. But it also can be all right, well, 0:08:12.960 --> 0:08:16.520 things aren't going well, and this is not what I 0:08:16.600 --> 0:08:20.960 wanted to happen. In fact, this is a minor catastrophe. 0:08:21.560 --> 0:08:25.840 How could I reframe this? So I'm still acknowledging what's 0:08:25.880 --> 0:08:29.520 going on. I'm not pretending it's good because it's not good. 0:08:30.080 --> 0:08:33.400 It's not good. There's something bad going on. But it 0:08:33.440 --> 0:08:35.920 doesn't matter if I run away or I turn the 0:08:36.000 --> 0:08:39.600 other way. It's still going on. So how do I 0:08:39.760 --> 0:08:43.280 reframe this? And I might go, look, this is bad, 0:08:43.400 --> 0:08:46.240 but there are a lot of worse things that could happen. 0:08:46.400 --> 0:08:50.320 That's a reframe. A reframe might be this is bad, 0:08:51.000 --> 0:08:54.160 but potentially I'm going to learn something in the middle 0:08:54.200 --> 0:08:58.559 of this. And I know that sounds cheesy, but I've 0:08:58.679 --> 0:09:01.120 said this many times and it sounds like a cliche, 0:09:01.240 --> 0:09:03.680 and I apologize in advance. But for me, it is 0:09:03.800 --> 0:09:07.280 literally true that the world is my classroom, and that 0:09:07.440 --> 0:09:12.000 every person that I meet, everything that happens to me 0:09:12.280 --> 0:09:16.000 or for me, or despite me or around me, everything 0:09:16.120 --> 0:09:20.320 is a potential lesson. Now, am I always a good student? 0:09:20.480 --> 0:09:24.760 Of course not. But if you navigate the world through 0:09:25.080 --> 0:09:29.080 like remember, we all navigate the world through our own lens, right, 0:09:29.520 --> 0:09:33.960 So something happens, Kelly goes, oh, that's a minor event. 0:09:34.320 --> 0:09:38.040 Craig goes, that's a fucking catastrophe. Even though we are 0:09:38.040 --> 0:09:41.440 looking at the same thing, we're seeing an inverted com 0:09:41.520 --> 0:09:44.319 is something different. That is because of the lens through 0:09:44.360 --> 0:09:46.640 which I view it and the lens through which you 0:09:46.840 --> 0:09:49.280 view it. And the thing is that if you think 0:09:49.320 --> 0:09:52.960 it's a minor speed hump, your stress response is are one. 0:09:53.040 --> 0:09:56.320 If I think it's a catastrophe the same thing, my 0:09:56.440 --> 0:09:59.920 stress response is a nine. And neither of those respons 0:10:00.360 --> 0:10:04.679 are about the thing itself, but rather Kelly and Craig's 0:10:04.880 --> 0:10:09.439 individual and unique response to the stimulus. I know I'm 0:10:09.440 --> 0:10:12.720 getting deep and I'm trying not to be too, but 0:10:12.920 --> 0:10:16.720 this is that, you know, it comes back to how 0:10:16.800 --> 0:10:19.280 well can I manage my mind? And so I think 0:10:19.960 --> 0:10:24.559 positive thinking as a concept is a small part of 0:10:24.600 --> 0:10:29.520 something much bigger, and it's like, you know, it's but 0:10:29.559 --> 0:10:32.240 it's a great conversation starting point. 0:10:33.040 --> 0:10:36.240 Yeah, And I think too, it's also down to like, 0:10:36.440 --> 0:10:40.880 maybe that is just someone's actual starting point, the process 0:10:40.920 --> 0:10:45.320 of going okay, well today, rather than waking up and thinking, God, 0:10:45.360 --> 0:10:47.600 what's going to happen? Is what going to be awful? 0:10:47.760 --> 0:10:49.760 Is that person going to be there? Is someone going 0:10:49.800 --> 0:10:53.160 to criticize me or offend me? Or is it just 0:10:53.240 --> 0:10:56.559 as simple as waking up and going today might actually 0:10:56.640 --> 0:10:59.599 be good? Like is that something that would be a 0:10:59.679 --> 0:11:02.800 legit and its starting point in the management of the mind. 0:11:04.320 --> 0:11:06.600 I think a great way to manage the mind in 0:11:06.640 --> 0:11:08.880 the moment is not to project at all about what 0:11:09.040 --> 0:11:11.480 might happen today or what might not happen. You're in 0:11:11.559 --> 0:11:16.120 bed and you're already thinking about hypothetical future problems, right, 0:11:16.400 --> 0:11:21.959 that's bad. I'm in bed and I'm already thinking about 0:11:22.000 --> 0:11:26.160 the bad things that could happen. Maybe today that are 0:11:26.160 --> 0:11:28.800 not happening. Now, what's happening now? Well, now I'm in 0:11:28.880 --> 0:11:32.640 bed and it's fucking comfortable, and I'm warm, and my 0:11:32.720 --> 0:11:36.040 little toesies are under the dinner and life is brilliant. 0:11:36.120 --> 0:11:38.640 But what I'll do is, rather than being in this moment, 0:11:39.320 --> 0:11:43.920 I'll immerse my physiology in some projected future, bad moment 0:11:44.000 --> 0:11:47.640 that probably won't happen, and I'll take myself out of 0:11:47.640 --> 0:11:52.560 the carmen into the chaos or with my own little mind. Again, 0:11:53.280 --> 0:11:57.520 they mind management one oh one. But that's that's awareness 0:11:57.600 --> 0:12:00.960 one oh one. Like you think a lot of people, 0:12:02.559 --> 0:12:05.079 especially people who reach for their phone before they get 0:12:05.080 --> 0:12:09.199 out of bed, the fucking central nervous system is going nuts. 0:12:09.200 --> 0:12:13.800 Their fight or flight responses triggered before their feet hit 0:12:13.880 --> 0:12:18.160 the floor, before they're out of bed. They have already, 0:12:18.200 --> 0:12:23.680 through their own behavior, stressed themselves. Yeah, so this is 0:12:23.760 --> 0:12:27.200 where we start to think about objectively, as much as 0:12:27.240 --> 0:12:31.200 we can be objective. Does my morning protocol serve me 0:12:31.280 --> 0:12:34.360 or sabotage me? If I'm being brave and honest and aware, 0:12:35.040 --> 0:12:39.520 it doesn't work? Okay, So don't hate yourself, don't immerse 0:12:39.520 --> 0:12:42.880 yourself in self loathing. Just go hm well, picking up 0:12:42.920 --> 0:12:45.200 my phone while I'm still in bed and scrolling and 0:12:45.240 --> 0:12:49.640 worrying and projecting and thinking about potential future catastrophes is 0:12:49.920 --> 0:12:53.079 actually me getting in my own way. What could be better? 0:12:53.720 --> 0:12:57.080 Oh well, maybe I don't even take my fucking phone 0:12:57.160 --> 0:12:59.880 into the bedroom. Maybe it's down the stairs, in my case, 0:13:00.080 --> 0:13:03.760 downstairs on the kitchen bench. And after I've had a shower, 0:13:03.760 --> 0:13:06.600 shit shave, shampoo and jujed my hair, of which there 0:13:06.679 --> 0:13:10.360 is none, I go downstairs and I turn that motherfucker 0:13:10.440 --> 0:13:14.680 on thirty minutes after I've woken up, and I'm like, oh, 0:13:14.840 --> 0:13:20.120 completely different relationship with that thing, and completely different start 0:13:20.200 --> 0:13:23.880 to my day, and completely different state that I am 0:13:23.920 --> 0:13:26.640 in by the time I turn it on, or by 0:13:26.679 --> 0:13:29.199 the time I start to pay attention to things. 0:13:30.840 --> 0:13:32.600 So you know, at the moment, there's people that have 0:13:32.720 --> 0:13:37.640 created these little tiles and they stick them like they 0:13:38.000 --> 0:13:40.200 stick onto your fridge or wherever you want to put them. 0:13:40.720 --> 0:13:43.200 And the basis of these tiles is that they lock 0:13:43.280 --> 0:13:46.880 your phone from certain apps, And so if you really 0:13:47.040 --> 0:13:49.040 really want to get into one of those apps, you 0:13:49.080 --> 0:13:52.280 have to physically go to wherever this tile is, scan it, 0:13:52.840 --> 0:13:55.040 and ask you a couple of questions and then it 0:13:55.200 --> 0:13:59.400 lets you into the phone. And yeah, So obviously there's 0:13:59.400 --> 0:14:01.880 a lot of people that are in this position because 0:14:03.000 --> 0:14:07.120 these things wouldn't be created if people had that control 0:14:07.200 --> 0:14:09.960 over their mind and their reach for their phone, for instance. 0:14:10.480 --> 0:14:14.080 So there's a booming industry right there that's literally helping 0:14:14.120 --> 0:14:16.480 people with that control. 0:14:16.760 --> 0:14:19.040 Do you know that is? Firstly, I didn't know that. 0:14:19.440 --> 0:14:22.840 Thank you for teaching me something to me. That is 0:14:22.920 --> 0:14:27.080 somebody who is and I don't blame them, somebody who 0:14:27.160 --> 0:14:32.560 is exploiting our inability to manage ourselves. Like, here's the thing. 0:14:34.400 --> 0:14:38.360 If I said to you, Kelly, next time you open Instagram, Like, 0:14:38.440 --> 0:14:41.480 if you open Instagram anytime in the next what's the 0:14:41.520 --> 0:14:43.440 app that you use the most? Can I ask? Is 0:14:43.440 --> 0:14:44.840 it Instagram? Is it? Yeah? 0:14:44.880 --> 0:14:45.280 Probably? 0:14:45.880 --> 0:14:48.840 Okay? So if I said to you, Kelly, have you 0:14:48.840 --> 0:14:49.760 got a cat or a dog? 0:14:50.160 --> 0:14:50.680 A cat? 0:14:51.120 --> 0:14:54.720 Okay, if you open Instagram anytime in the next seven days, 0:14:54.960 --> 0:14:57.360 your cat's going to drop dead thirteen seconds later. I 0:14:57.400 --> 0:15:01.440 know this is a ridiculous example, right, you would have 0:15:01.960 --> 0:15:05.920 zero problems with self control, absolutely none. Like if that 0:15:06.080 --> 0:15:08.560 was a and I'm being silly everyone, of course that's 0:15:08.600 --> 0:15:11.680 going to be fine, right, But here's my example. If 0:15:12.120 --> 0:15:17.240 in some parallel reality that concept was real. In other words, 0:15:17.680 --> 0:15:20.840 if you open Instagram in the next seven days, there's 0:15:20.840 --> 0:15:25.440 going to be a dire consequence. You will have absolutely 0:15:25.880 --> 0:15:30.560 zero issues with self control, with discipline, with motivation, with focus, 0:15:31.160 --> 0:15:37.840 You'll have no problems because there's a very significant, undesirable consequence. Now, 0:15:38.800 --> 0:15:43.400 what that example tells us is that right now Kelly 0:15:43.520 --> 0:15:48.200 has the ability easily to not look at ig for example, Instagram, 0:15:48.240 --> 0:15:51.760 for example, for the next seven days if her mind 0:15:51.840 --> 0:15:55.040 is in the right place. Now, what takes it in 0:15:55.080 --> 0:15:58.440 this example, Oh, a dire outcome like something that I 0:15:58.560 --> 0:16:02.760 love being harm Oh, So what does that tell us? 0:16:03.280 --> 0:16:06.240 It tells us that right now you have the capacity, 0:16:06.920 --> 0:16:10.000 not soon, not one day, not like you need a 0:16:10.040 --> 0:16:11.560 pill or you need an app or you need a 0:16:11.600 --> 0:16:14.240 fucking tile on a fridge. It tells us that you 0:16:14.400 --> 0:16:19.240 could do it right now. This is that potential. That's 0:16:19.280 --> 0:16:22.800 what I'm interested in, and that you know that kind 0:16:22.880 --> 0:16:26.440 of why do people wait until they get sick to 0:16:26.600 --> 0:16:29.560 all of a sudden they've got all this fucking self control, 0:16:29.680 --> 0:16:34.800 self restraint, focused, discipline, willpower. And the reason is because 0:16:34.840 --> 0:16:38.120 now they are so scared of dying or being sick 0:16:38.240 --> 0:16:43.240 or something catastrophic happened to them. That that that notion 0:16:43.360 --> 0:16:48.400 of oh, this is optional, that goes this is not optional, 0:16:48.960 --> 0:16:53.640 there's not no this is compulsory. This is absolute. This 0:16:53.800 --> 0:16:58.840 is completely fucking non negotiable. So I'll shut up after this. 0:16:59.680 --> 0:17:05.160 So then you think about, like a thousand times people 0:17:05.160 --> 0:17:08.680 have told me how disciplined I am, right, usually because 0:17:08.760 --> 0:17:13.359 I train every day. Oh, you're doing your Somebody told me, like, 0:17:13.720 --> 0:17:15.480 I don't know, two or three days ago, I can't 0:17:15.480 --> 0:17:17.880 believe how much stuff you do. You work full time, 0:17:17.920 --> 0:17:21.080 you're doing your doctorate, and you're at the gym every day. 0:17:21.760 --> 0:17:26.439 Like you're so focused, you're so bloody inspired, you're so 0:17:26.680 --> 0:17:29.679 all of these things. And I'm like, I'm actually not. 0:17:30.480 --> 0:17:35.119 I'm actually not that disciplined because I like going to 0:17:35.160 --> 0:17:37.960 the gym. Discipline would be going to the gym. If 0:17:38.000 --> 0:17:41.719 I didn't like it, It would take me more discipline 0:17:42.160 --> 0:17:45.880 to have a week off. And so it's that when 0:17:45.960 --> 0:17:50.320 you identify the behaviors that, for you, Kelly Smith, are 0:17:50.359 --> 0:17:52.920 the behaviors that align with who and how you want 0:17:52.920 --> 0:17:57.120 to be, and then you can turn those behaviors over time, 0:17:57.200 --> 0:18:03.240 not quickly, but into hardwired habits or hardwired normals in 0:18:03.240 --> 0:18:05.399 inverted comments like these are normal. This is not me 0:18:05.480 --> 0:18:08.960 being motivated, this is not me being good. Oh look 0:18:09.000 --> 0:18:11.280 at me, everyone, I've eaten a fucking salad. Here's a 0:18:11.280 --> 0:18:15.000 photo on Facebook. Please tell me I'm amazing. All that 0:18:15.040 --> 0:18:20.920 bullshit is toxic and it's disempowering, not empowering, and everyone thinks, oh, yeah, go, 0:18:21.040 --> 0:18:23.199 you go you it's kind of good. I get it. 0:18:23.280 --> 0:18:26.879 I understand the sentiment, but let me tell you, it 0:18:26.920 --> 0:18:30.720 does not help people build resilience over time. If every 0:18:30.840 --> 0:18:34.600 time we do something which is just it's not outstanding 0:18:34.640 --> 0:18:36.439 for you to eat a seal it, that's just what 0:18:36.920 --> 0:18:40.600 you should do. In this example, if you need a 0:18:40.680 --> 0:18:43.200 round of applause or a trophy or a cheer squad 0:18:43.480 --> 0:18:45.719 just for not being a fucking idiot with your body, 0:18:46.280 --> 0:18:49.199 then we're in trouble. You know what I'm saying. And 0:18:49.280 --> 0:18:53.440 this is why real resilience and real mental toughness and 0:18:53.560 --> 0:18:57.840 real self control and real focus and attention, which eventually 0:18:57.880 --> 0:19:02.760 turns into real change is Nellie always about what we 0:19:02.800 --> 0:19:05.440 do when no one's looking, when no one gives a fuck, 0:19:05.840 --> 0:19:09.119 and when no one's cheering. It's so easy to be 0:19:09.240 --> 0:19:12.320 good in inverted commas when you've got a cheer squad. 0:19:12.680 --> 0:19:15.560 Show me what the fuck you're doing when there is 0:19:15.640 --> 0:19:18.399 no cheer squad, when it is not fun, when it 0:19:18.480 --> 0:19:22.280 is not comfortable, when it is not painless, because they 0:19:22.359 --> 0:19:25.200 are the times where you are becoming the fucking weapon. 0:19:25.800 --> 0:19:32.600 That internal transformation doesn't have happen in the spotlight. It 0:19:32.640 --> 0:19:33.760 happens in the shadows. 0:19:35.480 --> 0:19:37.840 That actually leads me to something else that I wanted 0:19:37.840 --> 0:19:39.879 to ask you about as well. And again, just you know, 0:19:39.920 --> 0:19:42.560 I've been filling my brain with all these different podcasts 0:19:42.600 --> 0:19:45.639 and interviews over the past probably seven to ten days, 0:19:46.359 --> 0:19:49.480 and I was at the gym and this is when, 0:19:49.560 --> 0:19:51.359 you know, I get kind of like my moments of 0:19:51.400 --> 0:19:53.840 clarity and my moments of bravado, and I'm like, I'm 0:19:53.840 --> 0:19:55.280 going to text Craig and I'm going to see this 0:19:55.320 --> 0:19:57.080 is the question that I want, And here I go. 0:19:57.840 --> 0:20:02.280 And what the phrase was is that everything you want 0:20:02.359 --> 0:20:05.400 is on the other side of hard. And I thought, okay, 0:20:06.320 --> 0:20:09.560 but what is hard? Like what does that mean to 0:20:10.240 --> 0:20:15.600 individual people? And what is it to actually work towards 0:20:15.720 --> 0:20:18.800 get through know that you're on the other side of it, 0:20:19.280 --> 0:20:23.200 particularly when you can kind of frame it as what 0:20:23.280 --> 0:20:27.600 you once thought was hard, you've got to that point 0:20:27.880 --> 0:20:30.280 and it's not hard anymore because you've been putting in 0:20:30.280 --> 0:20:34.479 all the work. So that kind of shifts. And then 0:20:35.880 --> 0:20:39.240 is it you know, is it that the what's the saying? 0:20:39.280 --> 0:20:42.000 You know that the journey is the destination, So therefore 0:20:42.080 --> 0:20:45.120 when you're working towards it, that's you know, you're you're 0:20:45.160 --> 0:20:50.600 either building your muscles, you're training your brain, you're getting fitter. Yeah, 0:20:50.680 --> 0:20:53.200 that really fascinated me that it was such a blanket 0:20:53.280 --> 0:20:55.720 statement of everything you want is on the other side 0:20:55.760 --> 0:20:56.119 of hard. 0:20:57.240 --> 0:21:01.360 Yeah. Also, you've got to remember these memes and cliches 0:21:01.400 --> 0:21:05.720 and expressions are that they're not They're not universally true 0:21:05.760 --> 0:21:08.120 for everything in every situation. I mean, there's a lot 0:21:08.119 --> 0:21:10.640 of you know, there's a lot of beauty and joy 0:21:10.680 --> 0:21:14.200 and awesomeness right where we are right now, and maybe 0:21:14.200 --> 0:21:17.400 that came through toil and pain and hardship, who knows. 0:21:17.440 --> 0:21:21.680 But as a concept, I think there's a lot. I 0:21:21.720 --> 0:21:24.119 think there's a lot of truth in it in that, 0:21:25.400 --> 0:21:27.520 you know what, most people who are listening to this, 0:21:27.560 --> 0:21:29.760 I'm going to be presumptuous, but I think I know 0:21:29.840 --> 0:21:31.480 my audience pretty well, and I think a lot of 0:21:31.480 --> 0:21:36.560 the people who listen to this want growth and improvement 0:21:36.920 --> 0:21:42.680 and change, transformation whatever they want to. As I always say, 0:21:42.720 --> 0:21:46.160 think better, do better, produce better, create better, make better decisions, 0:21:46.200 --> 0:21:51.440 produce better outcomes. All of that is development and evolution 0:21:51.920 --> 0:21:56.840 and growth. And I think if we try to analyze 0:21:56.880 --> 0:21:59.679 evolution and growth and development, where do those Where do 0:21:59.720 --> 0:22:02.680 those things happen? Or they happen in the middle of 0:22:02.720 --> 0:22:06.479 the doing, and generally the doing is pretty or it 0:22:06.520 --> 0:22:10.080 can be tough and uncomfortable, or in the context of 0:22:10.080 --> 0:22:11.960 your question, it can be in the middle of the hard. 0:22:13.240 --> 0:22:17.840 And as you quite rightly point out, it's like, yeah, 0:22:18.200 --> 0:22:20.000 maybe it's not just on the other you know. It's 0:22:20.040 --> 0:22:21.520 like you go to the gym, you work hard, you 0:22:21.560 --> 0:22:23.720 do that three months, six months. The net result is 0:22:23.720 --> 0:22:26.440 you build muscle, you improve function, you improve range of movement, 0:22:26.840 --> 0:22:29.800 you lose body fat, you change your body composition, and 0:22:29.840 --> 0:22:32.479 now your body looks and feels and functions better than 0:22:32.520 --> 0:22:35.040 it did. And now you've got this reward on the 0:22:35.080 --> 0:22:36.960 other side of the three to six months that you 0:22:37.080 --> 0:22:39.520 just put in. Beautiful, that's a great example. Now my 0:22:39.560 --> 0:22:44.359 body works better looks better, feels better, recovers better, sleeps better. 0:22:44.480 --> 0:22:47.000 All this shit that is a byproduct of doing the 0:22:47.040 --> 0:22:52.040 hard right. So that's a physiological outcome, But what is 0:22:52.200 --> 0:22:59.040 also true is what's what's acquired and what's achieved in 0:22:59.080 --> 0:23:02.199 the middle of the hard, Like, well, here, yes, I 0:23:02.200 --> 0:23:04.240 did all of these things, and I changed my body, 0:23:04.240 --> 0:23:07.359 But guess what else. I changed my thinking, I changed 0:23:07.359 --> 0:23:11.600 my default setting, I changed my standards, I changed my 0:23:11.720 --> 0:23:14.919 capacity to deal with hard stuff. I built my resilience. 0:23:14.960 --> 0:23:18.119 I've built my knowledge and confidence and awareness in this 0:23:18.359 --> 0:23:21.960 environment that I wasn't very confident in. And now I 0:23:22.040 --> 0:23:25.040 walk into the gym like a fucking gangster. Six months 0:23:25.080 --> 0:23:27.320 after I crawled in and I didn't want anyone to 0:23:27.359 --> 0:23:30.560 see me right, and my self esteem was through the 0:23:30.560 --> 0:23:32.560 flo And it's not like now I've got a fat head, 0:23:32.560 --> 0:23:35.080 but it's like now I know that I'm okay, I 0:23:35.119 --> 0:23:38.520 know I'm not useless, I know that I'm I belong there, 0:23:38.960 --> 0:23:43.480 and I feel so emotionally and mentally there's been this 0:23:43.560 --> 0:23:48.560 shift as well as this physiologic of this observable outcome 0:23:48.680 --> 0:23:51.879 that is my body. We could say that with me 0:23:52.040 --> 0:23:56.240 doing a PhD, it's like, sure, I've spoken about the 0:23:56.359 --> 0:24:02.520