WEBVTT - When life gives you lemons 0:00:05.921 --> 0:00:07.281 Apodjee Production. 0:00:10.321 --> 0:00:13.721 Hi, my name's beck Woodbine and welcome to Tenderness for Nurses. 0:00:14.281 --> 0:00:18.121 I'm grateful for the person that I have the opportunity 0:00:18.161 --> 0:00:18.400 to be. 0:00:19.241 --> 0:00:22.721 So I hit it and parked it for Nelly four years. 0:00:23.401 --> 0:00:25.641 We always have free will, We always get to choose. 0:00:25.721 --> 0:00:30.401 We are autonomous. Hi everyone, thank you so much for 0:00:30.521 --> 0:00:33.561 tuning in too Tenderness for Nurses. Today, I have the 0:00:33.601 --> 0:00:36.321 beautiful Kayla who is coming to me all the way 0:00:36.361 --> 0:00:42.041 from Whistler in Canada to chat about her journey to date. 0:00:42.561 --> 0:00:45.280 And you have your own podcast. Do you want to 0:00:45.321 --> 0:00:46.400 tell us a little bit about that? 0:00:47.441 --> 0:00:48.241 I do so. 0:00:48.521 --> 0:00:51.001 My friend Ash and I just launched a podcasts called 0:00:51.120 --> 0:00:53.400 Just Life and Lemons. So was a little bit of 0:00:53.400 --> 0:00:56.880 a passion project that was stemmed from, I guess, the 0:00:56.961 --> 0:00:58.681 journey that the two of us had been through and 0:00:58.881 --> 0:01:01.520 the loss and the grief that we'd faced. And here 0:01:01.561 --> 0:01:03.281 we came together and we thought we would try and 0:01:03.321 --> 0:01:06.881 do something positive with the lemons. And yeah, now Just 0:01:06.921 --> 0:01:08.361 Life and Lemons has been born. 0:01:09.521 --> 0:01:14.641 So your journey has been tarnished with some great sadness 0:01:14.681 --> 0:01:18.241 and some great joy. Do you want to share what 0:01:18.280 --> 0:01:19.041 you've been through? 0:01:20.121 --> 0:01:20.401 Sure? 0:01:20.721 --> 0:01:25.041 So I guess it all started back my partner and I, 0:01:25.441 --> 0:01:28.481 Sean had just returned back from a trip overseas. 0:01:28.521 --> 0:01:30.721 He just turned thirty. We did the trip of a 0:01:30.721 --> 0:01:32.121 lifetime to South Africa. 0:01:32.241 --> 0:01:35.720 We did the Safari and we came back and it 0:01:35.761 --> 0:01:38.401 was quite a funny story to start with. I was like, 0:01:38.601 --> 0:01:41.280 I've got this holiday bloat. I was like, how much 0:01:41.280 --> 0:01:43.840 weight have you put on from this holiday? And he goes, 0:01:44.241 --> 0:01:46.840 I don't know, like five hundred grands and I was like, okay, 0:01:46.961 --> 0:01:48.881 something's not right here. I was like, I put on 0:01:49.001 --> 0:01:52.161 five kilos and for me five kilos was a lot. 0:01:52.201 --> 0:01:55.240 I never fluctuated weight. And I said to him, Okay, 0:01:55.241 --> 0:01:58.481 something's wrong, something's not right. We went grocery shopping and 0:01:58.521 --> 0:02:00.160 I was like, I'm just going to buy a pregnancy test. 0:02:00.201 --> 0:02:02.561 He's like, what are you talking about, Like, don't buy 0:02:02.561 --> 0:02:04.161 one of those. So I did. 0:02:04.201 --> 0:02:06.520 I bought one, brought at home, showed it to him, 0:02:06.561 --> 0:02:09.161 and I just remember him closing his laptop lid and 0:02:09.201 --> 0:02:11.641 he's like, this is a joke, Like you're kidding, and 0:02:11.681 --> 0:02:14.161 I was like, I'm not kidding, and he was just 0:02:14.240 --> 0:02:16.441 such a serious one. He did not believe me. He 0:02:16.481 --> 0:02:18.321 went to the back to the shops and bought another 0:02:18.361 --> 0:02:21.560 pack of like six tests, came home, made me pee 0:02:21.601 --> 0:02:25.881 on six tests and I was like, see positive, positive, positive, 0:02:25.921 --> 0:02:28.121 and he's like, okay, but don't get your hopes up yet. 0:02:28.240 --> 0:02:28.881 You don't know. 0:02:29.761 --> 0:02:32.520 We went to the doctors and they were like, yes, Kaylie, 0:02:32.561 --> 0:02:34.680 you're pregnant. There is no doubt about it. You don't 0:02:34.680 --> 0:02:37.520 get that many false positives. So yeah, we went to 0:02:37.561 --> 0:02:39.441 the hospital. We found out we were pregnant. We were 0:02:39.441 --> 0:02:42.121 three months along already. I had no idea whatsoever. 0:02:42.721 --> 0:02:43.361 So it was great. 0:02:43.401 --> 0:02:45.520 We were at the point where we could tell everybody. 0:02:45.601 --> 0:02:49.000 So we shared this great news. And then a few 0:02:49.001 --> 0:02:52.721 weeks later, Sean had been suffering with pain in his 0:02:52.841 --> 0:02:56.361 rib right under the rib cage, which was a bit peculiar, 0:02:57.201 --> 0:02:58.801 and it had been there for a couple of weeks, 0:02:58.881 --> 0:03:00.841 and you know, typical males, no, no, no. 0:03:00.761 --> 0:03:01.921 I'm fine, I'm fine. 0:03:02.001 --> 0:03:04.281 And I said, nope, go to the doctor, just go 0:03:04.321 --> 0:03:06.641 get checked out. So he went one day after work 0:03:06.721 --> 0:03:09.481 and the doctor kind of said to him, oh, no, 0:03:09.680 --> 0:03:12.120 you've you've probably just pulled something at the gym. 0:03:12.641 --> 0:03:14.441 Either that or you've got cancer. 0:03:14.641 --> 0:03:14.881 Hah. 0:03:15.481 --> 0:03:18.041 You know, he's like, go home, take neurophan and you know, 0:03:18.201 --> 0:03:22.560 neuropin fixes everything. And he came home and told me 0:03:22.601 --> 0:03:25.721 and I was like, okay, like interesting, and I think 0:03:25.921 --> 0:03:28.001 since that you learn that, you know, some people give 0:03:28.001 --> 0:03:30.401 you these diagnoses and people just go with it, you know, 0:03:30.441 --> 0:03:32.160 they run with it and they're like, oh yeah, cool, 0:03:32.161 --> 0:03:35.681 the doctor doesn't fine, no problem. Anyway, the pain didn't 0:03:35.681 --> 0:03:36.161 go away. 0:03:36.361 --> 0:03:37.281 We were another. 0:03:37.001 --> 0:03:38.681 Weekend and I said, you need to go back, and 0:03:38.721 --> 0:03:41.041 you need to tell him it's not going and it 0:03:41.161 --> 0:03:44.121 kind of got worse and better and worse and better, 0:03:44.201 --> 0:03:47.441 but it was constantly there. So he went back and 0:03:47.481 --> 0:03:49.641 he was a bit more forceful this time. He's like, nope, 0:03:49.681 --> 0:03:53.561 something's wrong. I know my body. And they sent him 0:03:53.561 --> 0:03:57.201 to the hospital to have CT scans and we got 0:03:57.201 --> 0:03:57.881 a phone call. 0:03:57.921 --> 0:04:00.121 It probably seven o'clock one night. 0:04:00.201 --> 0:04:01.961 And when you get a phone call that late from 0:04:02.001 --> 0:04:04.440 a doctor, you know that something's not good. 0:04:04.561 --> 0:04:06.161 It's not it's not good news. 0:04:06.201 --> 0:04:08.561 And I just remember him being out on the balcony 0:04:08.561 --> 0:04:10.401 and he came back in and he just looked white 0:04:10.441 --> 0:04:12.201 as a sheep, and I was like, what's wrong and 0:04:12.241 --> 0:04:16.401 he goes, they think I have cancer, and like we 0:04:16.401 --> 0:04:18.641 were just shocked. We were just stunned. I was like, 0:04:18.761 --> 0:04:20.880 what do you mean cancer? And they're like, the pain 0:04:21.001 --> 0:04:25.321 is tumors. There's tumors growing inside of me. And I 0:04:25.401 --> 0:04:28.801 was like, what, you know, you don't expect a thirty 0:04:28.880 --> 0:04:30.640 year old to have cancer. 0:04:30.761 --> 0:04:31.921 You know, it's just not heard of. 0:04:32.921 --> 0:04:34.601 So we were a bit shocked. We didn't really know 0:04:34.641 --> 0:04:37.161 what it was. We didn't really know anything. You know, 0:04:37.201 --> 0:04:39.321 you try not to sit on Google and google all 0:04:39.320 --> 0:04:42.161 the symptoms, and I guess the next kind of day, 0:04:42.201 --> 0:04:44.241 we went straight to the hospital and he spent ten 0:04:44.320 --> 0:04:47.881 days there and was getting tests and biopsies, and yeah, 0:04:47.921 --> 0:04:50.561 ten days later, they diagnosed him with appendix cancer. 0:04:51.561 --> 0:04:54.200 You know what I mean. I'm a nurse. I've never 0:04:54.241 --> 0:04:55.841 heard of appendix cancer. 0:04:56.001 --> 0:04:58.761 Me neither mean neither. And I was like, what is 0:04:58.761 --> 0:05:00.960 appendix cancer? Does that mean you have appendicitis? 0:05:01.201 --> 0:05:03.001 Like? What God has happened? You know? 0:05:03.161 --> 0:05:05.881 And they basically were like, you don't really know you 0:05:05.921 --> 0:05:09.440 have appendix cancer early. It's only when it's too late 0:05:09.521 --> 0:05:13.161 and it's progressed and it's you know, it's impacted your 0:05:13.281 --> 0:05:15.320 entire body. Is when you really find out you have 0:05:15.361 --> 0:05:18.961 appendix cancer unless you are, you know, proactively getting CT 0:05:19.161 --> 0:05:22.081 scans every year and which no thirty year old does. 0:05:22.801 --> 0:05:26.681 So he had appendix cancer. So then there he started chemo. 0:05:27.241 --> 0:05:30.121 The plan was that he would go on zelox chemo. 0:05:30.721 --> 0:05:32.241 They want to do a few rounds of that to 0:05:32.281 --> 0:05:35.201 try and shrink the massive tumor that was inside of him. 0:05:35.281 --> 0:05:38.521 It had spread throughout his entire abdominal cavity, so it 0:05:38.601 --> 0:05:42.281 was basically everywhere. So that was the plan, and we know, 0:05:42.361 --> 0:05:45.161 we went to our maternity appointments and then straight to 0:05:45.241 --> 0:05:49.160 chemo and it was just a wild, wild time looking back, 0:05:49.320 --> 0:05:51.880 you know, there's not a lot of thirty year old 0:05:51.880 --> 0:05:55.521 couples that are learning how to change nappies and swaddle 0:05:55.561 --> 0:05:56.720 a baby and then off. 0:05:56.521 --> 0:05:58.521 We go, you know, a day later to chemo. 0:05:58.641 --> 0:06:01.001 So how many months pregnant were you? 0:06:01.880 --> 0:06:03.041 I was three months pregnant. 0:06:03.201 --> 0:06:05.561 We just found out and Shauan was diagnos was pretty 0:06:05.601 --> 0:06:08.520 much in the same month. So it was it was 0:06:08.561 --> 0:06:10.561 a lot. You know, we had this beautiful, little happy 0:06:10.601 --> 0:06:14.320 bubble that just burst, So it was a lot to digest. 0:06:14.361 --> 0:06:16.640 But I think it's such a blessing looking back because 0:06:16.641 --> 0:06:19.080 we had this beautiful little baby on the way to 0:06:19.201 --> 0:06:21.840 kind of keep us focused and keep us positive. 0:06:21.961 --> 0:06:25.641 And it was a really beautiful distraction. 0:06:26.721 --> 0:06:30.640 So yeah, Sean started chemo and he did his few 0:06:30.681 --> 0:06:33.521 rounds of chemo, and you know, we experienced the side 0:06:33.521 --> 0:06:36.841 effects and we adjusted to that, and then it was 0:06:37.281 --> 0:06:40.481 kind of just before Christmas in December, early December, we 0:06:40.521 --> 0:06:44.080 went back for his usual check in and the doctor 0:06:44.081 --> 0:06:47.520 turned around and was like, okay, we've canceled your surgery. 0:06:48.121 --> 0:06:51.080 And she was like, what do you mean you've canceled surgery. 0:06:51.241 --> 0:06:52.880 The plan was that, you know, they would try and 0:06:52.921 --> 0:06:54.801 shrink the mass and then they would go in and 0:06:54.841 --> 0:06:59.161 do his operation to remove it. And they like, this 0:06:59.401 --> 0:07:04.561 chemo is not responding and that's it. And we were like, okay, 0:07:05.241 --> 0:07:06.801 that's it. And they were like that's it, you know, 0:07:06.880 --> 0:07:09.200 like we can't do anymore for you. We'll do chemo 0:07:09.401 --> 0:07:11.401 and hope that it may be it shrinks, but that's 0:07:11.481 --> 0:07:12.441 kind of the end of the story. 0:07:13.321 --> 0:07:15.801 And that really wasn't the end of the story for us. 0:07:15.841 --> 0:07:17.281 We were like, well, what do you mean you know, 0:07:17.321 --> 0:07:20.321 there has to be another option, and they were like, oh, 0:07:20.321 --> 0:07:22.561 we can look for some you know, trials for you 0:07:22.601 --> 0:07:25.721 and clinical trials here, but you know, we don't really 0:07:25.761 --> 0:07:27.721 think you're going to fit any of them. So that's 0:07:27.801 --> 0:07:31.801 kind of it. And it was just like a stab 0:07:31.841 --> 0:07:33.561 in the guts. You know, you think you've got a 0:07:33.601 --> 0:07:35.841 plan and then they just ripped that away from you. 0:07:35.921 --> 0:07:38.361 And we're like, okay, well there has to be a 0:07:38.401 --> 0:07:39.481 plan b what now? 0:07:40.241 --> 0:07:43.721 So we, you know, got back on Google and we're googling. 0:07:44.001 --> 0:07:46.401 What to do, like help, you know, and we came 0:07:46.441 --> 0:07:49.841 across this professor down in Sydney, Professor Morris, and he 0:07:50.641 --> 0:07:52.681 takes on patients who are a little bit of too 0:07:52.721 --> 0:07:55.601 hard basket. He takes a chance on these patients. And 0:07:56.281 --> 0:07:59.201 we reached out to him, to his office, and they 0:07:59.281 --> 0:08:01.841 emailed back pretty fast, and we're like, okay, send us 0:08:01.881 --> 0:08:05.521 your scans, send us your X rays, your CT scans, 0:08:05.561 --> 0:08:07.321 your blood tests, you name it, send it. 0:08:07.361 --> 0:08:08.161 We'll have a look. 0:08:08.281 --> 0:08:12.001 So we sent everything through to them and they basically 0:08:12.041 --> 0:08:13.961 called Sean and they said, look, you need to come 0:08:14.001 --> 0:08:16.561 down and meet us. So we went down to Sydney 0:08:16.601 --> 0:08:20.121 to meet this doctor and his medical team and he 0:08:20.161 --> 0:08:23.280 basically looked at Sean's scans and we're like, we'll. 0:08:23.081 --> 0:08:23.561 Give it a go. 0:08:23.721 --> 0:08:25.441 And we were sitting in front of him, pleading and 0:08:25.481 --> 0:08:27.521 pleading and pleading a case. And I think it was 0:08:28.001 --> 0:08:30.001 you know, some part of me thinks it was because 0:08:30.001 --> 0:08:33.441 I was pregnant with this little baby, you know, that 0:08:33.481 --> 0:08:36.641 they were like, Okay, we'll give it a shot, you know. 0:08:36.721 --> 0:08:39.721 And then Max came along, and before we knew it, 0:08:39.721 --> 0:08:42.401 it was January. We were packing up and we had 0:08:42.401 --> 0:08:45.081 this little newborn two months old baby, and we were 0:08:45.081 --> 0:08:48.961 moving to Sydney, and Maxwell, our son, moved in, and 0:08:49.001 --> 0:08:52.041 I moved into a cancer care house, Bosina House down 0:08:52.081 --> 0:08:55.881 in Sydney, and the next thing, Sean was in for surgery. 0:08:56.601 --> 0:08:59.561 So we had the mother of all surgeries. It takes 0:08:59.561 --> 0:09:02.841 twelve hours and basically then they flushed him through with 0:09:02.921 --> 0:09:06.241 hot chemo, the high pet chemo, and it was major, 0:09:06.361 --> 0:09:07.921 you know, and they tell us all the risks and 0:09:07.961 --> 0:09:09.081 what can go wrong. 0:09:08.921 --> 0:09:12.241 And we kind of accepted it because it was our 0:09:12.281 --> 0:09:13.361 only chance. 0:09:13.441 --> 0:09:15.321 I guess, if it was the only shot, he had 0:09:15.361 --> 0:09:18.041 to kind of overcome it, and you know, he was 0:09:18.081 --> 0:09:21.281 so brave. He just I've got this video of him 0:09:21.361 --> 0:09:23.841 and Max sitting on his lap and he's explaining the 0:09:23.881 --> 0:09:26.041 surgery to Max and he's like, then they cut you 0:09:26.121 --> 0:09:29.121 open here and then they take this out here and again, 0:09:29.161 --> 0:09:31.921 like such a bittersweet thing having a little newborn baby 0:09:32.321 --> 0:09:34.361 with us during that time. You know, that's not how 0:09:34.441 --> 0:09:37.241 you expect to bring a baby into the world. But 0:09:37.521 --> 0:09:39.561 I just can't even imagine what it would have been 0:09:39.681 --> 0:09:42.881 like for Sean and for me without Max there. 0:09:43.921 --> 0:09:45.441 So, yeah, Sean had surgery. 0:09:46.441 --> 0:09:49.441 I got a phone call about an hour in saying, Yep, 0:09:49.481 --> 0:09:50.361 we're going to give it a go. 0:09:50.961 --> 0:09:53.281 There's a lot of cancer here, but we'll try our best. 0:09:54.001 --> 0:09:55.481 We'll call you when we're finished. 0:09:55.521 --> 0:09:58.281 And you know, like I said, twelve hours later, I 0:09:58.281 --> 0:10:01.961 get the phone call and they're like, we're done. He's 0:10:02.001 --> 0:10:04.281 in ICU. Give us an hour and you can come 0:10:04.321 --> 0:10:06.721 and see him. They're like, just be prepared when you 0:10:06.721 --> 0:10:07.201 see him. 0:10:07.201 --> 0:10:11.081 It's not pleasant. There's drains coming out of every angle. 0:10:11.961 --> 0:10:15.121 He looks like he's been through the walls basically, And 0:10:15.801 --> 0:10:17.521 so we did. We went in and saw him, and 0:10:17.561 --> 0:10:20.801 it was early hours of the morning, and yeah, I 0:10:20.841 --> 0:10:24.201 don't think anything can really prepare you for seeing somebody 0:10:24.961 --> 0:10:25.761 in that state. 0:10:26.241 --> 0:10:27.801 It's very confronting, isn't it. 0:10:28.201 --> 0:10:30.281 Yeah, it was. It was a lot to deal with. 0:10:30.321 --> 0:10:32.561 And we saw him, and I guess the plan was 0:10:32.561 --> 0:10:35.041 then to keep him in an induced coma for three days. 0:10:35.081 --> 0:10:37.481 They wanted him his body just to recover a little 0:10:37.481 --> 0:10:38.801 bit and then they would wake him up. 0:10:39.521 --> 0:10:41.521 So it was like the longest three days of your life. 0:10:41.601 --> 0:10:43.561 You know. You go in, you're talking to him. 0:10:43.401 --> 0:10:46.361 And you're seeing all these tubes in the Yeah, it 0:10:46.481 --> 0:10:49.681 was literally like he'd been through a war zone. And 0:10:49.721 --> 0:10:53.121 then three days later they woke him up, and you know, 0:10:53.241 --> 0:10:54.681 I just remember the first thing he said to me 0:10:54.841 --> 0:10:58.481 was hi, And I was like, Hi, is that it? 0:10:58.561 --> 0:11:01.321 Like I've been through three days of hell and you're 0:11:01.361 --> 0:11:04.041 telling me hi. You know, they were pretty happy. They 0:11:04.041 --> 0:11:06.521 were like, the surgery's gone really well. We've removed as 0:11:06.561 --> 0:11:08.841 much of the cancer as we can. There's not a 0:11:08.841 --> 0:11:11.881 lot left anything that he's left his minor and it 0:11:11.921 --> 0:11:15.561 should be able to be removed through chemo. So the 0:11:15.601 --> 0:11:17.841 whole thing was just a success and we were happy. 0:11:17.921 --> 0:11:20.561 And yeah, we were kind of a little bit shocked. 0:11:20.641 --> 0:11:23.601 You're like, okay, all good, Like your whole anatomy is 0:11:23.681 --> 0:11:26.801 now changed. But that's okay, we'll manage this and we'll 0:11:26.801 --> 0:11:29.841 get through it. And it was good news. And then 0:11:30.001 --> 0:11:31.841 he was just about to go into the general wad 0:11:31.841 --> 0:11:35.881 a few days later when he goes Kayla, something's not right. 0:11:36.001 --> 0:11:38.881 He goes, I have pain in my chest and I 0:11:38.961 --> 0:11:41.001 was like, okay, like I'll get the doctor and I 0:11:41.201 --> 0:11:43.881 got the doctrine. He goes, no, no, no, like Sean's whole 0:11:43.881 --> 0:11:47.641 anatomy's move. This is just him his body. And Sean's like, no, 0:11:48.081 --> 0:11:51.161 something is not right, like that got pain around my 0:11:51.281 --> 0:11:52.961 heart and. 0:11:54.281 --> 0:11:54.521 Yeah. 0:11:54.721 --> 0:11:58.241 Very quickly, he basically couldn't take the pain anymore, and 0:11:58.281 --> 0:12:00.241 they raced him in to go and get an X ray, 0:12:00.321 --> 0:12:03.601 and they basically found he had a pericardal effusion and 0:12:03.641 --> 0:12:06.001 he had fluid now around him his heart, which was 0:12:06.441 --> 0:12:09.201 a side effect of this surgery that no one could 0:12:09.281 --> 0:12:12.401 ever predict happening. It was something that wasn't even on 0:12:12.441 --> 0:12:15.001 the list of all the things that could possibly go wrong. 0:12:15.561 --> 0:12:17.881 So they basically were like, we have to go and 0:12:17.921 --> 0:12:20.321 try and drain this. If we can't drain it, we 0:12:20.401 --> 0:12:21.961 have to take him in. He has to have open 0:12:22.001 --> 0:12:25.681 heart surgery. And they sat us down and him, myself 0:12:25.721 --> 0:12:27.481 and his family, and they were like, Sean's not going 0:12:27.521 --> 0:12:30.161 to recover from this. He's like, there is no person 0:12:30.241 --> 0:12:33.081 who can go through this mother of all surgery to 0:12:33.121 --> 0:12:35.361 then have an open heart surgery when he is so 0:12:35.601 --> 0:12:40.041 weak and we were just like, I guess gobsmacked is 0:12:40.081 --> 0:12:40.361 the word. 0:12:40.401 --> 0:12:41.681 We were just like, well, what do you mean. 0:12:41.761 --> 0:12:44.241 You know, he's just been to all this for now 0:12:44.281 --> 0:12:46.681 this to go wrong, and it at the time you 0:12:46.801 --> 0:12:49.441 just can't quite comprehend it, and you just waiting for 0:12:49.481 --> 0:12:52.161 a miracle. Anyway, So they prepped him for surgery and 0:12:52.201 --> 0:12:54.561 he went in and I guess that's where it all 0:12:54.641 --> 0:12:58.441 went terribly wrong. You know, he had the surgery, they 0:12:58.481 --> 0:13:01.481 removed the liquid. They were still monitoring it because it 0:13:01.561 --> 0:13:05.881 wasn't quite what they wanted it to be. And he 0:13:06.001 --> 0:13:09.321 was in a coma for close to a month. And 0:13:10.041 --> 0:13:11.961 it was the worst time of my life. You know, 0:13:12.041 --> 0:13:16.041 I'm watching him completely fade away. He can't eat, he 0:13:16.081 --> 0:13:18.921 can't drink, he's got a feeding tube. I could just 0:13:18.961 --> 0:13:22.881 see the weight around his face just disappear, and yeah, 0:13:22.921 --> 0:13:25.641 and he's just fading fast. I mean, thirty days of 0:13:25.761 --> 0:13:28.361 no food, laying in a hospital bed, and I would 0:13:28.441 --> 0:13:32.041 visit him in between feeding Max and looking back on 0:13:32.081 --> 0:13:33.801 it now, it's just it's unbelievable. 0:13:34.081 --> 0:13:36.321 And every day I'd go in there in the morning 0:13:36.481 --> 0:13:37.281 like can we wake him up? 0:13:37.321 --> 0:13:39.081 Can we wake him up? And they're like, no, we 0:13:39.161 --> 0:13:41.161 can't wake him up. He's not ready. He's not ready, 0:13:41.441 --> 0:13:43.441 and I was just getting so frustrated. I was like, 0:13:43.521 --> 0:13:45.401 but I can see he needs to wake up now. 0:13:45.441 --> 0:13:49.841 Otherwise he's just going to be, you know, literally skin 0:13:49.921 --> 0:13:53.161 and bones when he wakes up. And they wouldn't and 0:13:54.281 --> 0:13:56.801 they kept going, and yeah, month later they decided that 0:13:56.841 --> 0:13:59.841 they would wake him up, and yeah, I guess that's 0:13:59.881 --> 0:14:02.801 when our whole life really started from the beginning again, 0:14:02.881 --> 0:14:05.001 you know. And they gave him a bottle of water, 0:14:05.441 --> 0:14:07.321 a bigger, like two liter bottle, and they're like, this 0:14:07.401 --> 0:14:09.401 is your arm weight. This is all you have to 0:14:09.401 --> 0:14:12.241 do physio with. And you know, he was a strong guy. 0:14:12.281 --> 0:14:14.441 He went to the gym who exercised. He was fit 0:14:14.521 --> 0:14:16.801 and he was healthy. And now he's doing weights with 0:14:16.881 --> 0:14:19.921 a bottle of water. And you know, he had to start. 0:14:19.961 --> 0:14:22.561 He had to see nutritionists and you name it. He 0:14:22.681 --> 0:14:27.601 had to basically start again. And it was quite the journey. 0:14:27.641 --> 0:14:30.441 And we obviously had that to deal with and our 0:14:30.481 --> 0:14:34.161 newborn baby. And yeah, so we lived in Sydney for 0:14:34.681 --> 0:14:39.041 a month after his surgery and he did rehab and 0:14:39.761 --> 0:14:42.401 you know, he got used to his medication he was taking. 0:14:42.561 --> 0:14:46.921 He started taking oral chemo again, and yeah, there was 0:14:46.961 --> 0:14:48.521 a lot of medication. 0:14:49.241 --> 0:14:54.721 Taylor, how were you feeling at that stage other than yes, 0:14:54.801 --> 0:14:58.761 you were concerned about Sean, but you just had a baby. 0:14:59.401 --> 0:14:59.921 Yeah. 0:15:00.321 --> 0:15:03.521 I honestly, I think for me, I felt almost like 0:15:03.561 --> 0:15:06.801 I didn't have any reason to be sad or really 0:15:06.841 --> 0:15:09.081 thinking about myself because it was like, Okay, I have 0:15:09.361 --> 0:15:12.441 Sean to look after and I have Max to look after, 0:15:12.761 --> 0:15:15.401 and I just need to be that strong unit for 0:15:15.441 --> 0:15:19.121 both of them. And yeah, I was just more like, Okay, 0:15:19.161 --> 0:15:21.161 well what can I do for each of these people 0:15:21.201 --> 0:15:23.121 who need me right now? I need to get Sean 0:15:23.201 --> 0:15:26.041 back on his feet so he can help me. I 0:15:26.041 --> 0:15:28.041 don't know, it was just such a blur, like I 0:15:28.081 --> 0:15:31.161 look back now and it was I don't even remember it. 0:15:31.361 --> 0:15:33.601 I feel like it just happened, and you're on this 0:15:33.761 --> 0:15:37.721 like high of adrenaline almost where you you're. 0:15:37.561 --> 0:15:40.001 Just living in autopilot. You don't really know what you're doing. 0:15:40.841 --> 0:15:43.521 Did you have family with you at that stage? 0:15:43.801 --> 0:15:44.481 Yeah, we did. 0:15:44.521 --> 0:15:47.281 We had both his and my family come and go 0:15:47.401 --> 0:15:50.241 that whole month that we were down there, and they 0:15:50.281 --> 0:15:52.321 were a great support system for both of us. 0:15:53.241 --> 0:15:56.601 And did the hospital or the doctors you were dealing 0:15:56.681 --> 0:15:59.401 with recommend that you know, maybe you have a chat 0:15:59.441 --> 0:16:02.921 with someone, or did you just rely on family and 0:16:02.961 --> 0:16:06.361 friends to download how you feel, or you didn't even 0:16:06.521 --> 0:16:08.561 think about that. You just wanted to be with Sean 0:16:08.641 --> 0:16:10.761 or with Max and you could wait. 0:16:11.561 --> 0:16:13.641 Yeah, I mean I think it was more of like 0:16:13.681 --> 0:16:14.321 I could wait. 0:16:14.561 --> 0:16:16.161 It was more like, I'm not going to go and 0:16:16.201 --> 0:16:18.881 ask for help for myself, where this is not about me, 0:16:19.001 --> 0:16:19.961 this is about Sean. 0:16:20.641 --> 0:16:22.401 I don't know, I've always been kind of one to 0:16:22.481 --> 0:16:23.161 bottle it in. 0:16:23.241 --> 0:16:27.041 You know, I don't really show the feelings and I 0:16:27.081 --> 0:16:29.801 don't really show the emotion, which it definitely is caught 0:16:29.881 --> 0:16:32.121 up to me all these years later. It's been five 0:16:32.201 --> 0:16:34.481 years now since I lost Sean, and I think it 0:16:34.521 --> 0:16:36.801 was at the beginning of twenty twenty four that it 0:16:36.841 --> 0:16:37.601 all just hit me. 0:16:37.601 --> 0:16:38.601 Like a ton of bricks. 0:16:38.801 --> 0:16:41.641 You know, you can only run on autopilot for so long, 0:16:42.121 --> 0:16:44.721 you can only keep yourself so busy for so long, 0:16:44.801 --> 0:16:46.801 and then it, yeah, you completely. 0:16:46.361 --> 0:16:47.001 Hit the wall. 0:16:47.881 --> 0:16:48.721 And what happened then? 0:16:49.521 --> 0:16:50.041 I think what. 0:16:50.121 --> 0:16:53.481 Happened then is, you know, I didn't have this complete 0:16:53.561 --> 0:16:56.441 psychotic meltdown. It was more just I would think I 0:16:56.481 --> 0:16:59.001 woke up one day and I was like, what am 0:16:59.001 --> 0:17:02.161 I doing? Like, I've just filled my days and a 0:17:02.241 --> 0:17:04.201 great days with Max. You know, we did things on 0:17:04.241 --> 0:17:06.761 the weekend, were always out, we were always busy, like 0:17:06.801 --> 0:17:09.321 We've got some great memories from the last few years. 0:17:09.360 --> 0:17:11.481 But I was like, but what am I doing now? 0:17:11.561 --> 0:17:13.840 You know, what is making me happy? I'm at work 0:17:13.880 --> 0:17:16.361 full time, I'm just busy. I'm out the house all 0:17:16.360 --> 0:17:18.640 the time. But what is filling my cup anymore? And 0:17:18.681 --> 0:17:20.480 it was kind of like, apart from Max and our 0:17:20.481 --> 0:17:24.120 little adventures and our time together, I'm like, nothing is. 0:17:24.241 --> 0:17:26.801 I feel like I have no purpose anymore, no drive, 0:17:27.001 --> 0:17:30.321 no motivation. You know, when you lose the person like 0:17:30.360 --> 0:17:34.041 your significant other, you feel like you lose all your dreams, 0:17:34.080 --> 0:17:36.480 all your goals. It's like you can't have any of 0:17:36.521 --> 0:17:39.600 that anymore. And that's kind of what hit me. I 0:17:39.640 --> 0:17:41.840 was like, I'm living this life and a great life. 0:17:41.840 --> 0:17:43.640 You know, Sean and I set ourselves up for a 0:17:43.640 --> 0:17:46.321 really good life, and we had a house and a 0:17:46.400 --> 0:17:48.721 dog and Max, and you know, we had everything going 0:17:48.801 --> 0:17:49.161 for us. 0:17:49.201 --> 0:17:51.561 But doesn't mean that you're happy. 0:17:51.921 --> 0:17:54.961 You know, you have everything and what seems to be 0:17:55.001 --> 0:17:57.361 the picture perfect life on paper, but it doesn't mean 0:17:57.360 --> 0:18:00.201 you're happy. I had this huge void in my life 0:18:00.241 --> 0:18:03.561 that I was just trying to fill with distraction. And again, 0:18:03.600 --> 0:18:05.241 you can only do that for so long. 0:18:05.360 --> 0:18:09.041 So I guess that's what really prompted the move to Canada. 0:18:09.160 --> 0:18:11.001