Speaker 1: Apodjee Production.
Speaker 2: Hi, my name's beck Woodbine and welcome to Tenderness for Nurses.
Speaker 3: I'm grateful for the person that I have the opportunity
Speaker 3: to be.
Speaker 1: So I hit it and parked it for Nelly four years.
Speaker 1: We always have free will, We always get to choose.
Speaker 2: We are autonomous. Hi everyone, thank you so much for
Speaker 2: tuning in too Tenderness for Nurses. Today, I have the
Speaker 2: beautiful Kayla who is coming to me all the way
Speaker 2: from Whistler in Canada to chat about her journey to date.
Speaker 2: And you have your own podcast. Do you want to
Speaker 2: tell us a little bit about that?
Speaker 1: I do so.
Speaker 3: My friend Ash and I just launched a podcasts called
Speaker 3: Just Life and Lemons. So was a little bit of
Speaker 3: a passion project that was stemmed from, I guess, the
Speaker 3: journey that the two of us had been through and
Speaker 3: the loss and the grief that we'd faced. And here
Speaker 3: we came together and we thought we would try and
Speaker 3: do something positive with the lemons. And yeah, now Just
Speaker 3: Life and Lemons has been born.
Speaker 2: So your journey has been tarnished with some great sadness
Speaker 2: and some great joy. Do you want to share what
Speaker 2: you've been through?
Speaker 1: Sure?
Speaker 3: So I guess it all started back my partner and I,
Speaker 3: Sean had just returned back from a trip overseas.
Speaker 1: He just turned thirty. We did the trip of a
Speaker 1: lifetime to South Africa.
Speaker 3: We did the Safari and we came back and it
Speaker 3: was quite a funny story to start with. I was like,
Speaker 3: I've got this holiday bloat. I was like, how much
Speaker 3: weight have you put on from this holiday? And he goes,
Speaker 3: I don't know, like five hundred grands and I was like, okay,
Speaker 3: something's not right here. I was like, I put on
Speaker 3: five kilos and for me five kilos was a lot.
Speaker 3: I never fluctuated weight. And I said to him, Okay,
Speaker 3: something's wrong, something's not right. We went grocery shopping and
Speaker 3: I was like, I'm just going to buy a pregnancy test.
Speaker 1: He's like, what are you talking about, Like, don't buy
Speaker 1: one of those. So I did.
Speaker 3: I bought one, brought at home, showed it to him,
Speaker 3: and I just remember him closing his laptop lid and
Speaker 3: he's like, this is a joke, Like you're kidding, and
Speaker 3: I was like, I'm not kidding, and he was just
Speaker 3: such a serious one. He did not believe me. He
Speaker 3: went to the back to the shops and bought another
Speaker 3: pack of like six tests, came home, made me pee
Speaker 3: on six tests and I was like, see positive, positive, positive,
Speaker 3: and he's like, okay, but don't get your hopes up yet.
Speaker 1: You don't know.
Speaker 3: We went to the doctors and they were like, yes, Kaylie,
Speaker 3: you're pregnant. There is no doubt about it. You don't
Speaker 3: get that many false positives. So yeah, we went to
Speaker 3: the hospital. We found out we were pregnant. We were
Speaker 3: three months along already. I had no idea whatsoever.
Speaker 1: So it was great.
Speaker 3: We were at the point where we could tell everybody.
Speaker 3: So we shared this great news. And then a few
Speaker 3: weeks later, Sean had been suffering with pain in his
Speaker 3: rib right under the rib cage, which was a bit peculiar,
Speaker 3: and it had been there for a couple of weeks,
Speaker 3: and you know, typical males, no, no, no.
Speaker 1: I'm fine, I'm fine.
Speaker 3: And I said, nope, go to the doctor, just go
Speaker 3: get checked out. So he went one day after work
Speaker 3: and the doctor kind of said to him, oh, no,
Speaker 3: you've you've probably just pulled something at the gym.
Speaker 1: Either that or you've got cancer.
Speaker 2: Hah.
Speaker 3: You know, he's like, go home, take neurophan and you know,
Speaker 3: neuropin fixes everything. And he came home and told me
Speaker 3: and I was like, okay, like interesting, and I think
Speaker 3: since that you learn that, you know, some people give
Speaker 3: you these diagnoses and people just go with it, you know,
Speaker 3: they run with it and they're like, oh yeah, cool,
Speaker 3: the doctor doesn't fine, no problem. Anyway, the pain didn't
Speaker 3: go away.
Speaker 1: We were another.
Speaker 3: Weekend and I said, you need to go back, and
Speaker 3: you need to tell him it's not going and it
Speaker 3: kind of got worse and better and worse and better,
Speaker 3: but it was constantly there. So he went back and
Speaker 3: he was a bit more forceful this time. He's like, nope,
Speaker 3: something's wrong. I know my body. And they sent him
Speaker 3: to the hospital to have CT scans and we got
Speaker 3: a phone call.
Speaker 1: It probably seven o'clock one night.
Speaker 3: And when you get a phone call that late from
Speaker 3: a doctor, you know that something's not good.
Speaker 1: It's not it's not good news.
Speaker 3: And I just remember him being out on the balcony
Speaker 3: and he came back in and he just looked white
Speaker 3: as a sheep, and I was like, what's wrong and
Speaker 3: he goes, they think I have cancer, and like we
Speaker 3: were just shocked. We were just stunned. I was like,
Speaker 3: what do you mean cancer? And they're like, the pain
Speaker 3: is tumors. There's tumors growing inside of me. And I
Speaker 3: was like, what, you know, you don't expect a thirty
Speaker 3: year old to have cancer.
Speaker 1: You know, it's just not heard of.
Speaker 3: So we were a bit shocked. We didn't really know
Speaker 3: what it was. We didn't really know anything. You know,
Speaker 3: you try not to sit on Google and google all
Speaker 3: the symptoms, and I guess the next kind of day,
Speaker 3: we went straight to the hospital and he spent ten
Speaker 3: days there and was getting tests and biopsies, and yeah,
Speaker 3: ten days later, they diagnosed him with appendix cancer.
Speaker 2: You know what I mean. I'm a nurse. I've never
Speaker 2: heard of appendix cancer.
Speaker 3: Me neither mean neither. And I was like, what is
Speaker 3: appendix cancer? Does that mean you have appendicitis?
Speaker 1: Like? What God has happened? You know?
Speaker 3: And they basically were like, you don't really know you
Speaker 3: have appendix cancer early. It's only when it's too late
Speaker 3: and it's progressed and it's you know, it's impacted your
Speaker 3: entire body. Is when you really find out you have
Speaker 3: appendix cancer unless you are, you know, proactively getting CT
Speaker 3: scans every year and which no thirty year old does.
Speaker 3: So he had appendix cancer. So then there he started chemo.
Speaker 3: The plan was that he would go on zelox chemo.
Speaker 3: They want to do a few rounds of that to
Speaker 3: try and shrink the massive tumor that was inside of him.
Speaker 3: It had spread throughout his entire abdominal cavity, so it
Speaker 3: was basically everywhere. So that was the plan, and we know,
Speaker 3: we went to our maternity appointments and then straight to
Speaker 3: chemo and it was just a wild, wild time looking back,
Speaker 3: you know, there's not a lot of thirty year old
Speaker 3: couples that are learning how to change nappies and swaddle
Speaker 3: a baby and then off.
Speaker 1: We go, you know, a day later to chemo.
Speaker 2: So how many months pregnant were you?
Speaker 1: I was three months pregnant.
Speaker 3: We just found out and Shauan was diagnos was pretty
Speaker 3: much in the same month. So it was it was
Speaker 3: a lot. You know, we had this beautiful, little happy
Speaker 3: bubble that just burst, So it was a lot to digest.
Speaker 3: But I think it's such a blessing looking back because
Speaker 3: we had this beautiful little baby on the way to
Speaker 3: kind of keep us focused and keep us positive.
Speaker 1: And it was a really beautiful distraction.
Speaker 3: So yeah, Sean started chemo and he did his few
Speaker 3: rounds of chemo, and you know, we experienced the side
Speaker 3: effects and we adjusted to that, and then it was
Speaker 3: kind of just before Christmas in December, early December, we
Speaker 3: went back for his usual check in and the doctor
Speaker 3: turned around and was like, okay, we've canceled your surgery.
Speaker 1: And she was like, what do you mean you've canceled surgery.
Speaker 3: The plan was that, you know, they would try and
Speaker 3: shrink the mass and then they would go in and
Speaker 3: do his operation to remove it. And they like, this
Speaker 3: chemo is not responding and that's it. And we were like, okay,
Speaker 3: that's it. And they were like that's it, you know,
Speaker 3: like we can't do anymore for you. We'll do chemo
Speaker 3: and hope that it may be it shrinks, but that's
Speaker 3: kind of the end of the story.
Speaker 1: And that really wasn't the end of the story for us.
Speaker 3: We were like, well, what do you mean you know,
Speaker 3: there has to be another option, and they were like, oh,
Speaker 3: we can look for some you know, trials for you
Speaker 3: and clinical trials here, but you know, we don't really
Speaker 3: think you're going to fit any of them. So that's
Speaker 3: kind of it. And it was just like a stab
Speaker 3: in the guts. You know, you think you've got a
Speaker 3: plan and then they just ripped that away from you.
Speaker 3: And we're like, okay, well there has to be a
Speaker 3: plan b what now?
Speaker 1: So we, you know, got back on Google and we're googling.
Speaker 3: What to do, like help, you know, and we came
Speaker 3: across this professor down in Sydney, Professor Morris, and he
Speaker 3: takes on patients who are a little bit of too
Speaker 3: hard basket. He takes a chance on these patients. And
Speaker 3: we reached out to him, to his office, and they
Speaker 3: emailed back pretty fast, and we're like, okay, send us
Speaker 3: your scans, send us your X rays, your CT scans,
Speaker 3: your blood tests, you name it, send it.
Speaker 1: We'll have a look.
Speaker 3: So we sent everything through to them and they basically
Speaker 3: called Sean and they said, look, you need to come
Speaker 3: down and meet us. So we went down to Sydney
Speaker 3: to meet this doctor and his medical team and he
Speaker 3: basically looked at Sean's scans and we're like, we'll.
Speaker 1: Give it a go.
Speaker 3: And we were sitting in front of him, pleading and
Speaker 3: pleading and pleading a case. And I think it was
Speaker 3: you know, some part of me thinks it was because
Speaker 3: I was pregnant with this little baby, you know, that
Speaker 3: they were like, Okay, we'll give it a shot, you know.
Speaker 3: And then Max came along, and before we knew it,
Speaker 3: it was January. We were packing up and we had
Speaker 3: this little newborn two months old baby, and we were
Speaker 3: moving to Sydney, and Maxwell, our son, moved in, and
Speaker 3: I moved into a cancer care house, Bosina House down
Speaker 3: in Sydney, and the next thing, Sean was in for surgery.
Speaker 3: So we had the mother of all surgeries. It takes
Speaker 3: twelve hours and basically then they flushed him through with
Speaker 3: hot chemo, the high pet chemo, and it was major,
Speaker 3: you know, and they tell us all the risks and
Speaker 3: what can go wrong.
Speaker 1: And we kind of accepted it because it was our
Speaker 1: only chance.
Speaker 3: I guess, if it was the only shot, he had
Speaker 3: to kind of overcome it, and you know, he was
Speaker 3: so brave. He just I've got this video of him
Speaker 3: and Max sitting on his lap and he's explaining the
Speaker 3: surgery to Max and he's like, then they cut you
Speaker 3: open here and then they take this out here and again,
Speaker 3: like such a bittersweet thing having a little newborn baby
Speaker 3: with us during that time. You know, that's not how
Speaker 3: you expect to bring a baby into the world. But
Speaker 3: I just can't even imagine what it would have been
Speaker 3: like for Sean and for me without Max there.
Speaker 1: So, yeah, Sean had surgery.
Speaker 3: I got a phone call about an hour in saying, Yep,
Speaker 3: we're going to give it a go.
Speaker 1: There's a lot of cancer here, but we'll try our best.
Speaker 1: We'll call you when we're finished.
Speaker 3: And you know, like I said, twelve hours later, I
Speaker 3: get the phone call and they're like, we're done. He's
Speaker 3: in ICU. Give us an hour and you can come
Speaker 3: and see him. They're like, just be prepared when you
Speaker 3: see him.
Speaker 1: It's not pleasant. There's drains coming out of every angle.
Speaker 3: He looks like he's been through the walls basically, And
Speaker 3: so we did. We went in and saw him, and
Speaker 3: it was early hours of the morning, and yeah, I
Speaker 3: don't think anything can really prepare you for seeing somebody
Speaker 3: in that state.
Speaker 2: It's very confronting, isn't it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was. It was a lot to deal with.
Speaker 3: And we saw him, and I guess the plan was
Speaker 3: then to keep him in an induced coma for three days.
Speaker 3: They wanted him his body just to recover a little
Speaker 3: bit and then they would wake him up.
Speaker 1: So it was like the longest three days of your life.
Speaker 1: You know. You go in, you're talking to him.
Speaker 3: And you're seeing all these tubes in the Yeah, it
Speaker 3: was literally like he'd been through a war zone. And
Speaker 3: then three days later they woke him up, and you know,
Speaker 3: I just remember the first thing he said to me
Speaker 3: was hi, And I was like, Hi, is that it?
Speaker 3: Like I've been through three days of hell and you're
Speaker 3: telling me hi. You know, they were pretty happy. They
Speaker 3: were like, the surgery's gone really well. We've removed as
Speaker 3: much of the cancer as we can. There's not a
Speaker 3: lot left anything that he's left his minor and it
Speaker 3: should be able to be removed through chemo. So the
Speaker 3: whole thing was just a success and we were happy.
Speaker 3: And yeah, we were kind of a little bit shocked.
Speaker 3: You're like, okay, all good, Like your whole anatomy is
Speaker 3: now changed. But that's okay, we'll manage this and we'll
Speaker 3: get through it. And it was good news. And then
Speaker 3: he was just about to go into the general wad
Speaker 3: a few days later when he goes Kayla, something's not right.
Speaker 3: He goes, I have pain in my chest and I
Speaker 3: was like, okay, like I'll get the doctor and I
Speaker 3: got the doctrine. He goes, no, no, no, like Sean's whole
Speaker 3: anatomy's move. This is just him his body. And Sean's like, no,
Speaker 3: something is not right, like that got pain around my
Speaker 3: heart and.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Very quickly, he basically couldn't take the pain anymore, and
Speaker 3: they raced him in to go and get an X ray,
Speaker 3: and they basically found he had a pericardal effusion and
Speaker 3: he had fluid now around him his heart, which was
Speaker 3: a side effect of this surgery that no one could
Speaker 3: ever predict happening. It was something that wasn't even on
Speaker 3: the list of all the things that could possibly go wrong.
Speaker 3: So they basically were like, we have to go and
Speaker 3: try and drain this. If we can't drain it, we
Speaker 3: have to take him in. He has to have open
Speaker 3: heart surgery. And they sat us down and him, myself
Speaker 3: and his family, and they were like, Sean's not going
Speaker 3: to recover from this. He's like, there is no person
Speaker 3: who can go through this mother of all surgery to
Speaker 3: then have an open heart surgery when he is so
Speaker 3: weak and we were just like, I guess gobsmacked is
Speaker 3: the word.
Speaker 1: We were just like, well, what do you mean.
Speaker 3: You know, he's just been to all this for now
Speaker 3: this to go wrong, and it at the time you
Speaker 3: just can't quite comprehend it, and you just waiting for
Speaker 3: a miracle. Anyway, So they prepped him for surgery and
Speaker 3: he went in and I guess that's where it all
Speaker 3: went terribly wrong. You know, he had the surgery, they
Speaker 3: removed the liquid. They were still monitoring it because it
Speaker 3: wasn't quite what they wanted it to be. And he
Speaker 3: was in a coma for close to a month. And
Speaker 3: it was the worst time of my life. You know,
Speaker 3: I'm watching him completely fade away. He can't eat, he
Speaker 3: can't drink, he's got a feeding tube. I could just
Speaker 3: see the weight around his face just disappear, and yeah,
Speaker 3: and he's just fading fast. I mean, thirty days of
Speaker 3: no food, laying in a hospital bed, and I would
Speaker 3: visit him in between feeding Max and looking back on
Speaker 3: it now, it's just it's unbelievable.
Speaker 1: And every day I'd go in there in the morning
Speaker 1: like can we wake him up?
Speaker 3: Can we wake him up? And they're like, no, we
Speaker 3: can't wake him up. He's not ready. He's not ready,
Speaker 3: and I was just getting so frustrated. I was like,
Speaker 3: but I can see he needs to wake up now.
Speaker 3: Otherwise he's just going to be, you know, literally skin
Speaker 3: and bones when he wakes up. And they wouldn't and
Speaker 3: they kept going, and yeah, month later they decided that
Speaker 3: they would wake him up, and yeah, I guess that's
Speaker 3: when our whole life really started from the beginning again,
Speaker 3: you know. And they gave him a bottle of water,
Speaker 3: a bigger, like two liter bottle, and they're like, this
Speaker 3: is your arm weight. This is all you have to
Speaker 3: do physio with. And you know, he was a strong guy.
Speaker 3: He went to the gym who exercised. He was fit
Speaker 3: and he was healthy. And now he's doing weights with
Speaker 3: a bottle of water. And you know, he had to start.
Speaker 3: He had to see nutritionists and you name it. He
Speaker 3: had to basically start again. And it was quite the journey.
Speaker 3: And we obviously had that to deal with and our
Speaker 3: newborn baby. And yeah, so we lived in Sydney for
Speaker 3: a month after his surgery and he did rehab and
Speaker 3: you know, he got used to his medication he was taking.
Speaker 3: He started taking oral chemo again, and yeah, there was
Speaker 3: a lot of medication.
Speaker 2: Taylor, how were you feeling at that stage other than yes,
Speaker 2: you were concerned about Sean, but you just had a baby.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I honestly, I think for me, I felt almost like
Speaker 3: I didn't have any reason to be sad or really
Speaker 3: thinking about myself because it was like, Okay, I have
Speaker 3: Sean to look after and I have Max to look after,
Speaker 3: and I just need to be that strong unit for
Speaker 3: both of them. And yeah, I was just more like, Okay,
Speaker 3: well what can I do for each of these people
Speaker 3: who need me right now? I need to get Sean
Speaker 3: back on his feet so he can help me. I
Speaker 3: don't know, it was just such a blur, like I
Speaker 3: look back now and it was I don't even remember it.
Speaker 3: I feel like it just happened, and you're on this
Speaker 3: like high of adrenaline almost where you you're.
Speaker 1: Just living in autopilot. You don't really know what you're doing.
Speaker 2: Did you have family with you at that stage?
Speaker 1: Yeah, we did.
Speaker 3: We had both his and my family come and go
Speaker 3: that whole month that we were down there, and they
Speaker 3: were a great support system for both of us.
Speaker 2: And did the hospital or the doctors you were dealing
Speaker 2: with recommend that you know, maybe you have a chat
Speaker 2: with someone, or did you just rely on family and
Speaker 2: friends to download how you feel, or you didn't even
Speaker 2: think about that. You just wanted to be with Sean
Speaker 2: or with Max and you could wait.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I think it was more of like
Speaker 1: I could wait.
Speaker 3: It was more like, I'm not going to go and
Speaker 3: ask for help for myself, where this is not about me,
Speaker 3: this is about Sean.
Speaker 1: I don't know, I've always been kind of one to
Speaker 1: bottle it in.
Speaker 3: You know, I don't really show the feelings and I
Speaker 3: don't really show the emotion, which it definitely is caught
Speaker 3: up to me all these years later. It's been five
Speaker 3: years now since I lost Sean, and I think it
Speaker 3: was at the beginning of twenty twenty four that it
Speaker 3: all just hit me.
Speaker 1: Like a ton of bricks.
Speaker 3: You know, you can only run on autopilot for so long,
Speaker 3: you can only keep yourself so busy for so long,
Speaker 3: and then it, yeah, you completely.
Speaker 1: Hit the wall.
Speaker 2: And what happened then?
Speaker 1: I think what.
Speaker 3: Happened then is, you know, I didn't have this complete
Speaker 3: psychotic meltdown. It was more just I would think I
Speaker 3: woke up one day and I was like, what am
Speaker 3: I doing? Like, I've just filled my days and a
Speaker 3: great days with Max. You know, we did things on
Speaker 3: the weekend, were always out, we were always busy, like
Speaker 3: We've got some great memories from the last few years.
Speaker 3: But I was like, but what am I doing now?
Speaker 3: You know, what is making me happy? I'm at work
Speaker 3: full time, I'm just busy. I'm out the house all
Speaker 3: the time. But what is filling my cup anymore? And
Speaker 3: it was kind of like, apart from Max and our
Speaker 3: little adventures and our time together, I'm like, nothing is.
Speaker 3: I feel like I have no purpose anymore, no drive,
Speaker 3: no motivation. You know, when you lose the person like
Speaker 3: your significant other, you feel like you lose all your dreams,
Speaker 3: all your goals. It's like you can't have any of
Speaker 3: that anymore. And that's kind of what hit me. I
Speaker 3: was like, I'm living this life and a great life.
Speaker 3: You know, Sean and I set ourselves up for a
Speaker 3: really good life, and we had a house and a
Speaker 3: dog and Max, and you know, we had everything going
Speaker 3: for us.
Speaker 1: But doesn't mean that you're happy.
Speaker 3: You know, you have everything and what seems to be
Speaker 3: the picture perfect life on paper, but it doesn't mean
Speaker 3: you're happy. I had this huge void in my life
Speaker 3: that I was just trying to fill with distraction. And again,
Speaker 3: you can only do that for so long.
Speaker 1: So I guess that's what really prompted the move to Canada.
Speaker 1: You know, here we are. It was always a dream
Speaker 1: of short and eyes to come back here.
Speaker 3: He lived here for quite a few years and we
Speaker 3: always talked about going back together, and we were big
Speaker 3: travelers and we explored the world, and we kind of
Speaker 3: got to a point where I was like, you know what,
Speaker 3: I can do it. Why can't I? I can still
Speaker 3: do this. I can take MACS, I can apply for
Speaker 3: a visa. And you know, a few people call me
Speaker 3: crazy and that I was having a bit of a
Speaker 3: midlife crisis, but I mean I probably am, but you know,
Speaker 3: it's quite empowering. I think I hit that wall and
Speaker 3: I recognize it very quickly that I needed to change something.
Speaker 1: And I was like, I love my life. I have
Speaker 1: a great life.
Speaker 3: I'm not going to say I don't, but I needed
Speaker 3: to do something because it wasn't filling those needs then and.
Speaker 2: There, So what are you doing over in Whistler.
Speaker 1: I'm working again.
Speaker 3: I kind of I needed to make sure the life
Speaker 3: here was different to what I had at home, and
Speaker 3: it certainly is. You know, we've only been here three
Speaker 3: months and we've definitely slowed things down a lot. You know,
Speaker 3: I'm only working part time now, I'm taking Max to school,
Speaker 3: I'm picking him up from school every day. There's just
Speaker 3: so much more quality time, you know. I think after
Speaker 3: this whole journey, I've realized life is so short and
Speaker 3: a nine to five, chaotic job is.
Speaker 1: Just not for me anymore.
Speaker 2: Do you have any family or supporting Canada? Like, did
Speaker 2: you just move there? Find a place go? I'm just
Speaker 2: going to give this a crack.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I do have a few friends here who were friends
Speaker 3: with Sean when he lived here.
Speaker 1: They've been amazing to help me out. But yeah, I'm
Speaker 1: pretty alone.
Speaker 2: And have you joined any community groups? I mean, I'm
Speaker 2: sure you'll meet some moms with KINDI or school whatever
Speaker 2: Max is at now. Have you found people who have
Speaker 2: been really open and welcoming to Canadians? Are beautiful people? Oh?
Speaker 1: Amazing? You know, there's I've met a.
Speaker 3: Lot of great mums at the school, a lot of
Speaker 3: people at work. You know, people are so friendly here.
Speaker 3: People be like you know, I can pick Max up
Speaker 3: from school if you ever need. I'm like, wait, what
Speaker 3: you know, I don't even know you, Like you're a
Speaker 3: complete stranger. And they're like, no, no, no, Like none
Speaker 3: of us have family here. We all you know that
Speaker 3: we call everyone orphans here. You know, no one has family.
Speaker 3: We're all just by themselves. So they're like, you know,
Speaker 3: if you're running late, just message, I'll get Max.
Speaker 1: And it's been great.
Speaker 2: After Sean passed, was everything initially just a blur? You
Speaker 2: just popped your head down, you know, you did what
Speaker 2: you had to do with funeral, those sort of things.
Speaker 2: Did you just really focus then in on yourself and
Speaker 2: Max or you just tried to keep doing what you'd
Speaker 2: been doing leading into everything that had happened, and just
Speaker 2: try and keep life as normal as possible, because I
Speaker 2: mean everything changed for you in a second.
Speaker 1: Really, yeah it did.
Speaker 3: And I guess when Sean died, you know, I everyone
Speaker 3: grieves differently, and I don't really know if I grieved
Speaker 3: the right way. But I went straight back to work
Speaker 3: the next week. I was like, I have to go back,
Speaker 3: I have to keep busy. I went straight into that
Speaker 3: path of I'm going to fill every second of every day.
Speaker 1: Then I don't have to be sad, I don't have
Speaker 1: to think about it.
Speaker 3: And so that's what I did, you know, for quite
Speaker 3: a few years. And we had just bought our house
Speaker 3: that we were living in, and you know, we didn't
Speaker 3: even have furniture. So if there was a blessing, it
Speaker 3: was the fact that Max and my new life had
Speaker 3: really just started. So the routines weren't there yet. We
Speaker 3: hadn't created memories in this house yet. It was kind
Speaker 3: of almost like a fresh start, you know. It wasn't like, okay,
Speaker 3: this time of the day Sean was going to come
Speaker 3: home and having that home vision of what it looked
Speaker 3: like when he walked through the door and when he
Speaker 3: went to work in the morning.
Speaker 1: None of that had started yet in this new house.
Speaker 3: So in a way that was a blessing if you
Speaker 3: want to try and find a positive in the situation.
Speaker 3: You know, we had this beautiful house that we were
Speaker 3: meant to live in and build a family together.
Speaker 1: But in a way, it was like a fresh start
Speaker 1: for Max and I.
Speaker 3: So I didn't have that torture every day of Okay,
Speaker 3: this is where Sean put his clothes, and this is
Speaker 3: where how Sean cooked, I had no memories there, so it.
Speaker 1: Was completely starting again.
Speaker 3: And then a few months after Sean died, COVID happened,
Speaker 3: so there was no normal for a very long time
Speaker 3: because we obviously then went into COVID and lockdowns, and
Speaker 3: I was still working because I was still considered an
Speaker 3: essential worker, so it was just navigating the way of COVID,
Speaker 3: and then I guess that's when we had to kind
Speaker 3: of get into a normal routine after that.
Speaker 2: Kayler, what work do you do?
Speaker 3: I've always been in hotels, hotel operations, and then I
Speaker 3: got a job in operations in real estate office.
Speaker 1: So yes, very busy, very all over the place.
Speaker 2: And that's what you've gone into over in Canada.
Speaker 1: No, it's not, I've changed everything.
Speaker 3: I now work as part of a sales team at
Speaker 3: the conference center, so we were like a not for
Speaker 3: profit and we try and.
Speaker 1: Bring big groups to Whistler and it's different.
Speaker 3: It's much slower pace and great people and it's a
Speaker 3: nice change.
Speaker 2: On your podcast, you said you and Ash admit through
Speaker 2: like a Facebook website group for grieving partners the widows. Yeah,
Speaker 2: was that a huge help for you?
Speaker 3: I think there is a really strange comfort in connecting
Speaker 3: yourself with people who have been through something similar. So,
Speaker 3: if anything, it was probably that because again, you see
Speaker 3: yourself thirty with cancer.
Speaker 1: Who the heck is thirty with cancer? I don't know anybody.
Speaker 3: And then it's like I'm this young single now mother
Speaker 3: with a baby.
Speaker 1: And I'm a widow.
Speaker 3: You know, it's like where am I going to find
Speaker 3: another one of those? And I joined this group while
Speaker 3: it was quite new early days, and I think there's
Speaker 3: now over like one hundred and fifty girls in it
Speaker 3: around Brisbane and the Gold Coast, and it's been a
Speaker 3: strange comfort knowing that there's other people in that same situation.
Speaker 3: And there's definitely people in the group that you connect
Speaker 3: with more than others. You know, there's people who are
Speaker 3: grieving differently to you, and there's some people.
Speaker 1: You just don't connect with at all.
Speaker 3: But yeah, I've met some really great people through that,
Speaker 3: and I think now like some lifelong friends that I.
Speaker 2: Will have forever. I think that's so wonderful. And then
Speaker 2: your life journeys together will segue in such interesting ways
Speaker 2: that you can share, grow help others. And I'm assuming
Speaker 2: that's why you started the podcast.
Speaker 3: It is you know, I think for Ash and I
Speaker 3: we obviously had history we worked together all those years
Speaker 3: ago that we didn't even know about, and I think
Speaker 3: for us, it was actually more of the connection with
Speaker 3: the kids. You know, She's got triplets and I've got Max,
Speaker 3: and the first time we ever met them, you know,
Speaker 3: complete strangers. Max was like, these are my triplets, and
Speaker 3: it was just that bond.
Speaker 1: Between the kids.
Speaker 3: It's like they instantly knew each other, they instantly felt connected,
Speaker 3: and I guess for us, we were like, wow, like
Speaker 3: these kids are going to grow up together with that
Speaker 3: missing person.
Speaker 1: In their lives.
Speaker 3: You know, it's different, but it's the same, and I
Speaker 3: guess there's not a lot of kids that will have
Speaker 3: to experience that, so that was quite special. And then
Speaker 3: I think the whole podcast was really born out of
Speaker 3: the fact that we have been through such horrific journeys.
Speaker 3: You know, hers and mine stories are very different, but
Speaker 3: they're both journeys in their own right. And I think
Speaker 3: for me, I said to Ashle's like, I really want
Speaker 3: to do something with this pain and this story that
Speaker 3: we've been through. You know, how amazing do you feel
Speaker 3: when you actually talk to people in.
Speaker 1: Day to day life. And I don't go around being like, oh,
Speaker 1: here you want to hear my story.
Speaker 3: But when you meet someone you and you start talking
Speaker 3: with and you build this relationship and I always get
Speaker 3: the question, where's Max's dad? You know, it comes out
Speaker 3: all the time, and then eventually you do have to sit,
Speaker 3: you know, and tell them, and it makes you.
Speaker 1: Feel very proud to share it.
Speaker 3: But it also I think really helps people because they
Speaker 3: are like gives them a little bit of perspective, you know,
Speaker 3: in their own lives, and they're like, Okay, hey, wow,
Speaker 3: I thought I was having a bad week, but I'm good.
Speaker 1: You know, I'm really really good.
Speaker 3: Or you know, you've just given me a new way
Speaker 3: of thinking about a certain situation based on what you've
Speaker 3: been through. So it doesn't have to always connect, but
Speaker 3: I think it can connect in some way, shape or
Speaker 3: form to somebody else. So I remember saying to Ash
Speaker 3: I met her only a few times, and I said, right,
Speaker 3: I want to do something. Let's do this podcast. I've
Speaker 3: got an idea. I'd already done like a business plan
Speaker 3: for it. She's like, there is no way in this
Speaker 3: earth I'm doing a podcast with you. Here we are,
Speaker 3: We've done it, and it's a pretty I feel very
Speaker 3: proud of us that we've been able to do it,
Speaker 3: and then messages that we've already received in such a
Speaker 3: short time of you've helped me, You've made me see
Speaker 3: things differently. You know, our journeys are not the same.
Speaker 3: But I'm going through this and you told me that,
Speaker 3: and it feels like it's now my purpose. You know,
Speaker 3: I said, I don't want this nine to five work
Speaker 3: life anymore, you know, I just want to feel like
Speaker 3: I live with some purpose.
Speaker 2: Isn't that a nice feeling. I feel the same way
Speaker 2: with casting and helping people and the questions I get
Speaker 2: asked and podcasts I've been approached to talk about. And
Speaker 2: you know, when I started this, I remember saying to Katie,
Speaker 2: who's both of our producer, saying, I just want to
Speaker 2: help one person. That's it. One person, and it's grown
Speaker 2: from there. I'm up to season seven. Wow, congratulations, you know,
Speaker 2: and that will be you guys, you know, Yeah, and exciting.
Speaker 2: It's a nice feeling to share your journey to help
Speaker 2: other people.
Speaker 3: And yeah, so I guess that's why we've used the lemons,
Speaker 3: you know, because everyone has lemons in their lives. Things
Speaker 3: go wrong all the time. We know, small things, big things,
Speaker 3: you name it, things go wrong. So I think the
Speaker 3: use of the word lemon it fits all shapes and
Speaker 3: sizes it does.
Speaker 2: It's actually a great name.
Speaker 1: Thank you.
Speaker 2: Will you be back in Brisbane at any stage? Do
Speaker 2: you think I will be? You will? So you gave
Speaker 2: yourself a timeframe and yeah.
Speaker 3: I mean we're on a v so we've said twelve months.
Speaker 3: We'll give it a good crap for twelve months, and yeah,
Speaker 3: we'll go from there. I'm trying not to think too
Speaker 3: far in the future, because who knows what the future
Speaker 3: has in store.
Speaker 2: You know, it's really interesting. I heard Elizabeth Gilbert speak
Speaker 2: from Eat, Pray, Love, and her whole talk was about
Speaker 2: being present, that yes, you do have to look to
Speaker 2: the future. There are things you want to think about
Speaker 2: in the past, but we've got to start being present.
Speaker 2: And the way she talked about being present and you know, yes,
Speaker 2: there are things you need to have in the future
Speaker 2: to look forward to, but we're so busy thinking about
Speaker 2: our mistakes trying to change the future, that we're forgetting
Speaker 2: to be in the here and now. And the way
Speaker 2: she speaks and how she is so eloquent and how
Speaker 2: she puts things forward is remarkable. But it really resonated
Speaker 2: with me because I, you know, very good at beating
Speaker 2: myself up for things in the past and then, you know,
Speaker 2: stress about things in the future because I own my
Speaker 2: own business and that sort of thing. Yeah, I forget
Speaker 2: to be in the here and now.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And I guess that's the sole purpose of moving
Speaker 3: it is. You know, I'm like, let's get rid of
Speaker 3: the distractions, let's get rid of the house, Let's get
Speaker 3: rid of all of it, you know, and live in
Speaker 3: the moment with Max, And we're just doing a day
Speaker 3: at a time, and it feels good.
Speaker 2: I love it. I think it's fantastic. Was actually curious
Speaker 2: as to why you were there. I thought that maybe
Speaker 2: you had a lot of family in Canada. Although I
Speaker 2: think things are going to get more expensive, aren't they.
Speaker 3: With the I wish I had family here because it's
Speaker 3: very expensive.
Speaker 2: And only going to get more expensive. Unfortunately with everything
Speaker 2: that's happening in America. Sure is not.
Speaker 3: Good, but no, I'm hoping it's something that Max can
Speaker 3: look back on one day and say, wow, like I
Speaker 3: had a cool mum.
Speaker 1: You know, we moved to Canada.
Speaker 3: I learned to snowboard, he started doing jiu jitsu, you know,
Speaker 3: just those little things.
Speaker 2: How old is Max now?
Speaker 1: He's six now.
Speaker 2: Oh my goodness. And you would talk about Sean with
Speaker 2: him every day.
Speaker 1: Every day, you know.
Speaker 3: And he's obviously very aware of that his dad is
Speaker 3: not here, but he has his story, you know. He's like,
Speaker 3: my daddy got sick and the doctors couldn't make him better,
Speaker 3: and it's quite special. He says, my daddy's on the moon,
Speaker 3: so you know, the moon follows us around wherever we are,
Speaker 3: and he's like, oh, there's daddy. You know. We've had
Speaker 3: some pretty remarkable views here of the mountains and the
Speaker 3: moon and it feels quite very special.
Speaker 2: That's so beautiful. If you had any advice to any
Speaker 2: young mum that's gone through what you've gone through, what
Speaker 2: would it be.
Speaker 3: Probably that there's no right or wrong way of doing anything,
Speaker 3: you know. I think you've got to just go with
Speaker 3: the punches and feel as you need to feel along
Speaker 3: the way, and don't beat yourself up if you haven't
Speaker 3: felt things the way people tell you should feel, and
Speaker 3: don't be afraid to be selfish once in a while
Speaker 3: and put yourself first.
Speaker 1: Eventually.
Speaker 2: An interesting point is my brother and all passed away
Speaker 2: and it's just been twelve months and he was in
Speaker 2: his fifties last year. And it's interesting how people have
Speaker 2: this assumption of how Jane, which is my husband's wife,
Speaker 2: should grieve and timeframes. Yeah, And I don't know if
Speaker 2: that's a real Australian thing or just something in general,
Speaker 2: but it's like, well, got to get on with life
Speaker 2: or yeah. And to me, grief is so personal and
Speaker 2: such a journey. I mean, you're going to be on
Speaker 2: this journey forever.
Speaker 3: I will be on this journey forever, and it's not
Speaker 3: going to get any easier.
Speaker 1: It's just going to be different, you know.
Speaker 3: And Ash and I actually do do a podcast episode
Speaker 3: about the stages of grief and how bullshit we think
Speaker 3: they are because you know, the people there's this you know,
Speaker 3: chain of events if you should feel this, then this,
Speaker 3: then this and this, and I just personally don't agree
Speaker 3: with them because I was like, there's some stages I
Speaker 3: maybe haven't had yet. And it's been five years, you know,
Speaker 3: there's some stages I just don't agree with, Like when
Speaker 3: are you going to ever be accepting of the situation?
Speaker 1: Never?
Speaker 3: Never, going to accept the fact that Sean's not here
Speaker 3: and that you know his child has no father, and
Speaker 3: you know that we didn't get to do this and
Speaker 3: we didn't get to do that.
Speaker 1: I'm never going to accept that.
Speaker 2: And I don't blame you because I think it's a
Speaker 2: crocerdshit too. Personally, I think everyone grieves in their own way,
Speaker 2: as long as it doesn't become all encompassing so that
Speaker 2: you can't live life. Then I think you need some
Speaker 2: help with your grief. Yeah, but you know, we are
Speaker 2: allowed to grieve. And you know, I remember my Nan.
Speaker 2: She lost her son in a terrible boating accident. She
Speaker 2: grieved him till the day she died. And she was
Speaker 2: in her late eighties. And it wasn't that she didn't
Speaker 2: get on with life or she didn't live it or whatever,
Speaker 2: but you know, she had sorrow in her heart for
Speaker 2: losing her child, just like you do for Sean. And
Speaker 2: that's okay.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And it's learning to live with that.
Speaker 3: And I think one of the biggest little I guess
Speaker 3: quotes that I have and I share it with Max,
Speaker 3: is we're learning to live with the love he left behind.
Speaker 2: That's nice.
Speaker 3: No, it's a special one, and I feel that all
Speaker 3: the time. You know, I'm so blessed to have literally
Speaker 3: a mini Sean. He is his father's child. To the
Speaker 3: tea running around, you know, it's so special. And the
Speaker 3: friends that we have, and it's like Sean and I
Speaker 3: created that and he's left that behind.
Speaker 2: For us, And what an amazing gift. I think it's beautiful.
Speaker 2: Thank you, Kaylor, thank you for chatting with me today.
Speaker 2: I appreciate it so much. Have an amazing time in Canada.
Speaker 1: Thank you.
Speaker 2: I will get him up on those skis and we'll
Speaker 2: have an Astralian Olympic skier.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: We told someone today. Someone was like, oh, so you
Speaker 3: better at the mummy at snowboarding. He goes, yeah, I'm
Speaker 3: way faster. He's had four like him, so he thinks
Speaker 3: he's a professional.
Speaker 2: And you know what, he probably will be, because I mean,
Speaker 2: lord knows, I was a hopeless snowboarder, but I love skiing.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I have no doubt about it. He's got the confidence.
Speaker 3: So give him a few more lessons and he'll.
Speaker 1: Be whizzing past me.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, aren't they amazing those kids? I'll tell you,
Speaker 2: thank you, Taylor. I appreciate this so much Darling, thank
Speaker 2: you so much,