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Speaker 1: Apodjay production.

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Speaker 2: Trigger warning. This episode covers conversations around suicidal ideations. If

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Speaker 2: you or anyone that you know is needing support, we're

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Speaker 2: going to leave some helplines below in the description if

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Speaker 2: you need help. It is not weak to ask for support.

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Speaker 1: Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashy and I'm Tiana.

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Speaker 1: This podcast is.

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Speaker 2: About female empowerment and encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest,

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Speaker 2: and most authentic version of yourself.

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Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.

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Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone

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Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about. Get ready for

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Speaker 1: your next level of self. Hello, everybody, Welcome back to

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Speaker 1: She Rises with Ashy and Tiana twenty twenty six. We

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Speaker 1: promise you guys were really going to step things up

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Speaker 1: and be even more open, more vulnerable, more raw, give

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Speaker 1: more details, more context, more learnings to help you feel

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Speaker 1: more empowered, not so alone. All the good things, all

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Speaker 1: the good things, all that here, she writes, is rising together.

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Speaker 1: It is so last year when Tiana first came on

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Speaker 1: the podcast, one of your first episodes that you did

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Speaker 1: so everyone could get an understanding of who you are

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Speaker 1: and where you've come from and what's happened in your

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Speaker 1: life and how you are the when you are today

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Speaker 1: was all about something that happened to you. Now this

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Speaker 1: is back yeah, last January, so you can go back

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Speaker 1: and listen to it. It was all around your sex tape.

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Speaker 1: This was a video that was released without your consent.

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Speaker 1: Before we get into all the deep questions, by the way,

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Speaker 1: this is a part two. The first episode was you

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Speaker 1: telling the whole story. But since that episode, we've got

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Speaker 1: a lot of dms of girls asking more questions. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: a lot of more details to understand it more. Suppose

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Speaker 1: everyone likes to know the details, find the context. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: So before we get into the deep juicy questions, could

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Speaker 1: you just give a little nutshell for anyone who isn't

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Speaker 1: aware of what happened.

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Speaker 2: What happened, basically, in a nutshell, when I was nineteen,

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Speaker 2: I had a non consensual video of me released around

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Speaker 2: my hometown from an ex partner and his friends apparently.

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Speaker 2: So it was something that kind of spread like wildfire

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Speaker 2: and just completely changed the truejectory of my life and

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Speaker 2: my relationship with myself, my relationship with pleasure in general,

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Speaker 2: and it was something that really has shaped me as

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Speaker 2: a woman, and I li truly believe it is the

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Speaker 2: reason why I do what I do now. But also

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Speaker 2: the mark that it left back then was something that

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Speaker 2: like I don't think I'll ever forget at you know,

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Speaker 2: nineteen years young, so super traumatic.

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Speaker 1: Like any girl listening, can you just imagine making an

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Speaker 1: intimate tape with someone that you love and someone that

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Speaker 1: you trust, and then him releasing it to his friends

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Speaker 1: and therefore getting out to public, to your hometown. And

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Speaker 1: I remember you out public and people had come up

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Speaker 1: to you, or people would be like in the corner whispering,

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Speaker 1: and you could just tell the all eyes were on you,

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Speaker 1: and it just must have been such a hard thing

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Speaker 1: to go through.

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Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, it was. Honestly, at the time, it

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Speaker 2: was awful. I remember, like what you just said. I

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Speaker 2: remember being in the gym and somebody had messaged me

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Speaker 2: off a fake account and had literally said to me, Hey,

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Speaker 2: I just want to warn you there is a group

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Speaker 2: of guys behind you watching the video while you train,

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Speaker 2: and I was just like in the moment, I was

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Speaker 2: just like, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. And I

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Speaker 2: remember like literally getting up out of the gym, packing

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Speaker 2: my bag walking out and like crying in the car. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: because it was just I was so embarrassed. I was

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Speaker 2: so embarrassed, Like, you know, especially when you think, like

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Speaker 2: this person who is you know, you think that you're

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Speaker 2: going to spend the rest of your life.

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Speaker 1: Right.

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Speaker 2: I was so young, Right, I hadn't even seen the

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Speaker 2: world yet, didn't know myself. But I thought I loved

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Speaker 2: this person.

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Speaker 1: I truly thought I did, and he thought he loved

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Speaker 1: you in respect, that's right.

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Speaker 2: And so to feel that level of like betrayal at

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Speaker 2: that time of someone who was the closest person to

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Speaker 2: me at the.

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Speaker 1: Time was like world shattering.

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Speaker 2: And on top of that, there's this whole other layer

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Speaker 2: of feeling like violated, being deceived, and for like so

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Speaker 2: many people to see such a vivid video of me naked.

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Speaker 1: Let alone.

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Speaker 2: I don't know how to say this gently, but there's

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Speaker 2: no way to say it, but literally me being penetrated

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Speaker 2: on camera. Yeah, you know, And like when I tell

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Speaker 2: you the angles were bad, I'm telling you the angles

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Speaker 2: are bad. Like there's not one thing that you couldn't

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Speaker 2: see and that people weren't able to like witness happen.

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Speaker 2: My face is in it, all of my most intimate

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Speaker 2: areas and angles, like everything's in it. I was fully one,

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Speaker 2: totally exposed.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, that's awful. I've got some very deep questions.

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Speaker 1: These have come off what has come into my inbox,

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Speaker 1: and also just questions that I think a lot of

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Speaker 1: people would like to know to give more contexts. So

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Speaker 1: are you ready? I'm open and willing. Okay, have you

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Speaker 1: watched the whole tape? I have? Yeah? Yeah, how did

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Speaker 1: you feel when you were watching that?

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Speaker 2: When I first watched the tape, my heart kind of

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Speaker 2: fell out of my ass.

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Speaker 1: Sounds like a time you dropped, like at the top

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Speaker 1: of a roller coaster. Oh my gosh.

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Speaker 2: Absolutely, I felt so sick, like just my heart literally

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Speaker 2: sank to the floor, and I could feel myself and

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Speaker 2: my shoulders like I felt myself get small, like my

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Speaker 2: shoulders curl over and me just want to like tact

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Speaker 2: myself in so much shame, babe, because I was like,

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Speaker 2: it's one thing for me to watch this, but it's

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Speaker 2: another thing for my whole town and whole social circle

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Speaker 2: and peers and everyone who may know me to see it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, Oh my gosh, I can't even imagine

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Speaker 1: the man that released this did he get charged. No,

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Speaker 1: he didn't any consequences. No consequences. Interviewed by the police questioned.

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Speaker 2: I mean, I don't know to some degree what they

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Speaker 2: did do, but they did keep me updated. So when

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Speaker 2: I went and I left the police report with my

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Speaker 2: parents at the police station down in Wongong, I remembered

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Speaker 2: that they would keep me updated and they said, okay,

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Speaker 2: NEI Rose, what will do is the group of guys

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Speaker 2: it wasn't just him, There was like a couple of

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Speaker 2: his friends, three or four of.

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Speaker 1: His He released it to his friends and then they

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Speaker 1: released it outwards.

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Speaker 2: From there, I imagine, So I imagine that's what happened. So yeah, anyway,

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Speaker 2: it was on his computer and then yeah, there was

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Speaker 2: a few of them. Anyway, all of them got searched.

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Speaker 2: So the police went to their place. They had like

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Speaker 2: a warrant or something like that. They took all of

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Speaker 2: their technology. So they took my ex partners and his

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Speaker 2: three best friends or something like that, all of their

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Speaker 2: technology and laptop. Yeah, confiscated every piece of technology in

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Speaker 2: the house to review all of it and make sure

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Speaker 2: that it wasn't on any devices. That's what I heard

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Speaker 2: from there. Nothing happened because they said to me that

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Speaker 2: they couldn't find it on any of the devices. And ironically,

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Speaker 2: at the time, one of his best friends who also

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Speaker 2: got his stuff taken his dad, was also the constable

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Speaker 2: at police station.

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Speaker 1: Oh gosh, and I detected then.

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Speaker 2: Maybe I found it really interesting that nothing happened after that,

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Speaker 2: because it just went quiet. That's a bit sas they

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Speaker 2: didn't do anything, they didn't say anything. No one got

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Speaker 2: in trouble, and they basically just said because you were

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Speaker 2: seventeen and not sixteen, it doesn't class as child pornography,

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Speaker 2: which means they can't get charged.

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Speaker 1: Just a little slap on the wrist, don't do it again.

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Speaker 2: Boy, there wasn't even that. I think it was just

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Speaker 2: like a bit of a scare tactic of like, we're

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Speaker 2: going to search you and if you have it, you're

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Speaker 2: in trouble. But because they quote unquote couldn't find anything.

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Speaker 1: They're not dumb. Of course they're going to delete it

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Speaker 1: all before please come around, right.

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Speaker 2: Well, if they're sending it around to people I know

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Speaker 2: who's got a copy on his laptop, I know they've

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Speaker 2: sent it around to each other, and people are sending

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Speaker 2: it to me. It has come from somewhere. How do

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Speaker 2: they not have it on their phones? So, you know,

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Speaker 2: how is it not in a message thread? How have

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Speaker 2: they not emailed it to somebody?

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Speaker 1: You know?

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Speaker 2: And I remember like people would literally and it was

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Speaker 2: mostly men. Actually, a lot of men warned me about

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Speaker 2: the video. It was like, hey, like, I just like,

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Speaker 2: I feel really bad that this is happening to you,

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Speaker 2: So like just letting you know so and so has it,

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Speaker 2: so and so has sent it to people. So and

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Speaker 2: so sent it to me, and was like naming and

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Speaker 2: shaming people behind closed doors.

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Speaker 1: It's got to take a certain man to do what

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Speaker 1: he did. So a lot of men that wouldn't do that.

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Speaker 1: They have integrity. Yeah, I'm trying to protect you because

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Speaker 1: they've got sisters, they've got mums, they've got daughters, they've

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Speaker 1: got friends, and they'd be like, oh my gosh, I

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Speaker 1: would hate this to happen to them. You know.

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Speaker 2: No girls warned me that, any other than my best

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Speaker 2: friend at the time, Laura, who actually was the person

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Speaker 2: who came and told me.

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Speaker 1: No women warned me about it. Wow, that's really interesting.

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Speaker 1: I'm really stunned at that. Yeah, that's really sad. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it was really sad.

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Speaker 2: I felt really disheartened by it because I knew that

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Speaker 2: a lot of women had watched it, and then when

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Speaker 2: it came up in conversation or I spoke about it

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Speaker 2: or something like that, they'd be like, yeah, I've seen it,

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Speaker 2: and I'm like, you didn't tell me, you didn't think that,

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Speaker 2: like you should let me know, warn me, anything like that,

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Speaker 2: And I just remember feeling like, fuck, I actually can't

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Speaker 2: trust anybody.

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Speaker 1: Say did that make you not trust women in general? Yeah?

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Speaker 2: Well, not only did I not trust men, I then

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Speaker 2: not trusted women to because it wasn't just that I

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Speaker 2: was betrayed by a man or someone that I loved.

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Speaker 2: I'm like, okay, cool, now I've got trusted yeah, you know.

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Speaker 2: And then with the women, it was the caddy behavior.

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Speaker 2: It was the bitchiness. It was the literally whispering things

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Speaker 2: under their breath when I was at a bar.

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Speaker 1: Babe.

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Speaker 2: I'd go to a bar and go out on a

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Speaker 2: Saturday night or something, and I'd try to like hold

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Speaker 2: my head up high and pretend like it didn't exist,

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Speaker 2: and pretend like it didn't hurt me.

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Speaker 1: But I was fucking.

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Speaker 2: Crumbling inside, so embarrassed, so ashamed of myself, and like

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Speaker 2: trying to figure out any way that I could to

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Speaker 2: like numb out, which is why I like kind of

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Speaker 2: fell into drinking, because I was like trying to remove

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Speaker 2: the shame that I felt from being like so vulnerably

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Speaker 2: exposed in that way and being labeled a slot and

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Speaker 2: like feeling just like so fucking impure.

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Speaker 1: Babe.

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Speaker 2: You know, I was like, literally, no man is ever

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Speaker 2: gonna want to be with me, knowing that I have

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Speaker 2: this quote unquote skeleton in my closet yea and yeat

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Speaker 2: the bitchiness from the women, Like when I would go

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Speaker 2: to places, it was like I'd walk past and then

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Speaker 2: be a group of people whispering, and then they're all

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Speaker 2: all of a sudden, everyone in unison all looking at.

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Speaker 1: Oh, you just know they're talking about it. No they're

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Speaker 1: not talking about your outfit.

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Speaker 2: No they're not talking No, they're talking about me getting

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Speaker 2: fucked on camera.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: You know it sounds awful to say, but like there's

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Speaker 2: there's no non graphic way to say it that doesn't

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Speaker 2: give it the umph that it is because it is

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Speaker 2: a really confronting thing. And like the reality is and

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Speaker 2: I said this in the last episode, like the statistics

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Speaker 2: on like women who are exposed to things like this

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Speaker 2: and this happens to fifty percent of them commit suicide

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Speaker 2: or they at least attempt to commit suicide because of

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Speaker 2: the shame and the bullying and the social like damage

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Speaker 2: that it does to your reputation and your ability to

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Speaker 2: belong in a community.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, which is survival back in the cavement. Oh absolutely,

239
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Speaker 1: we're dead. Absolutely yeah. Yeah, oh so freaking heartbreaking. Did

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Speaker 1: the police or lawyers or anyone make a comment to you,

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Speaker 1: maybe family, maybe friends, You shouldn't have filmed it? Why

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Speaker 1: did you do that?

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Speaker 2: I mean no, I feel like, to be honest, I

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Speaker 2: feel like the two police officers that I dealt with,

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Speaker 2: the main guy, he was very protective. He was like,

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Speaker 2: for some reason, very much like a dad energy Like

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Speaker 2: he was like, I'm going to get him. I'm going

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Speaker 2: to make sure he has consequences for this.

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Speaker 1: Da da da, Like have you had daughters?

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Speaker 2: Maybe I think he could just feel for me and

251
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Speaker 2: like what it ha happened and just felt guilty, I suppose,

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Speaker 2: And so he was really good in that sense. And

253
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Speaker 2: they never made me feel yet like I shouldn't have

254
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Speaker 2: filmed it or like I was in the wrong. It

255
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Speaker 2: was more of like a mistakes happen, you're young, you

256
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Speaker 2: want to explore it's okay, like things like that. I

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Speaker 2: think I was sorry, Mom, if you're listening to this.

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Speaker 2: I was concerned about my mom saying that to me

259
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Speaker 2: because my mom is very strong opinionated, and you know,

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Speaker 2: she's a little bit like, you know, I told you so,

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Speaker 2: don't do it.

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Speaker 1: I told you so, And she's one thing she told

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Speaker 1: you not to do. She warned me about it.

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Speaker 2: She has always said from the get go, don't let

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Speaker 2: anybody feel me.

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Speaker 1: And what did I do?

267
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Speaker 2: I let someone feel me, you know, but it was

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Speaker 2: obviously my lesson to learn. She did in some way

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Speaker 2: say like this is what I was trying to warn

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Speaker 2: you from, but it wasn't like a, oh, I told

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Speaker 2: you so, Tiana, why do you do that? She was

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Speaker 2: actually super supportive, as well as my dad. But I

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Speaker 2: think the disheartening thing that kind of happened was like

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Speaker 2: my dad like went quiet, like he was super supportive.

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Speaker 2: They both were super supportive, but it was almost like

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Speaker 2: he didn't know how to process, like what had happened

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Speaker 2: and that it happened girl, and it happened to his

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Speaker 2: youngest daughter or four daughters and you know, five kids

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Speaker 2: to his youngest daughter, like somebody had released something like

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Speaker 2: that around the hometown that he had built a legacy in,

281
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Speaker 2: And so I held a lot of shame around that too,

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Speaker 2: because I was like, fuck, now I've tarnished our family name.

283
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Speaker 1: And I remember the layer. Yeah, oh my god.

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Speaker 2: I felt so embarrassed, babe, because like his dad moved there,

285
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Speaker 2: started building, so everyone in Warongong knew my granddad and

286
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Speaker 2: then they knew my dad as well, like being really

287
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Speaker 2: hard workers in Wongong builders like that sort of thing.

288
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Speaker 2: And then I was like and here I am, like,

289
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Speaker 2: here's my sex tape, you know. And there was even

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Speaker 2: a point where my sister and I we clashed a

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Speaker 2: little bit because of it, and she was like could

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Speaker 2: feel her judgment and her shame on it that like

293
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Speaker 2: it was going to tarnish her name too.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah. So at the time, yeah, like she's like, oh,

295
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Speaker 1: isn't your sister with the sex tape? Yeah? Oh yep,

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Speaker 1: that's how you're gonna introt us now, that's right, yea.

297
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Speaker 2: And so like not that she ever said anything directly

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Speaker 2: to me in that way, but I could just like

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Speaker 2: I could feel the energy there and I could feel

300
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Speaker 2: they're like, oh, now I've got to deal with this

301
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Speaker 2: is another thing, you know, another thing that Tiana's done

302
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Speaker 2: that's like, you know, now going to potentially impact me too.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you know.

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Speaker 2: And the reality is at that time I was I

305
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Speaker 2: was spiraling because I didn't know how to deal with it,

306
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Speaker 2: and I didn't know how to hold it, and I

307
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Speaker 2: was so full of shame and I was trying to

308
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Speaker 2: sew hard to run for myself that I was just like,

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Speaker 2: I just need to numb out, and I did that

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Speaker 2: with drinking.

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Speaker 1: I'm guessing I nott really lonely because it's not a

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Speaker 1: common problem. I mean, I'm sure it is common, but

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Speaker 1: I'm sure you didn't know anyone that you could turn

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Speaker 1: to that was like, oh my gosh, they've been through

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Speaker 1: what I've been through. We're in this together. No one

316
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Speaker 1: could be like, oh, Tona, I know how you feel.

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Speaker 1: It's like, no, you fucking don't. Yeah, have you had

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Speaker 1: a sex weight released in your hometown, So no, you don't.

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Speaker 1: It must feel really isolating at the.

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Speaker 2: Time, it did, and I think it was interesting watching

321
00:12:49,681 --> 00:12:51,801
Speaker 2: people navigate how they would respond when I shared it

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Speaker 2: with them. You know, there was like a lot of

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Speaker 2: pity and a lot of oh my god. Like a

324
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Speaker 2: lot of people didn't really know how to hold it,

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Speaker 2: and I didn't know how tosk kind of like grief

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Speaker 2: kinderlight grief, yeah, for sure. And a lot of the

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Speaker 2: times people would like play it off and like make

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Speaker 2: jokes about and make it lighthearted, being at least you

329
00:13:07,241 --> 00:13:10,281
Speaker 2: probably look good or like, you know, things like that,

330
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Speaker 2: but at the time you feel better.

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Speaker 1: I wasn't ready to hold out.

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Speaker 2: Now I can joke about that, and I feel good

333
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Speaker 2: because it doesn't have an emotional charge as much, whereas

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Speaker 2: prior to that, I'd be like so sensitive about it

335
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Speaker 2: and be like, pe, you just don't fucking get it,

336
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Speaker 2: you know. And I felt so victimized by the situation

337
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Speaker 2: that I did. I isolated myself from everyone, and after

338
00:13:28,001 --> 00:13:33,281
Speaker 2: that I really struggled to let people in because I

339
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Speaker 2: didn't trust men, and then I didn't trust women because

340
00:13:36,481 --> 00:13:38,481
Speaker 2: of how caddy bitchy and like just.

341
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Speaker 1: Unsupportive they were. Unsupportive.

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Speaker 2: I felt like I had no one and so because

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Speaker 2: of that, I kind of went into myself even more.

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Speaker 2: And that's the moment that I felt like I kind

345
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Speaker 2: of built this fire in myself of like, well, fuck

346
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Speaker 2: all of you, I've got to protect myself. And that, unfortunately,

347
00:13:51,601 --> 00:13:53,041
Speaker 2: like that was the energy that I kind of led

348
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Speaker 2: with of like mine, I mean by myself, I'm going

349
00:13:55,841 --> 00:13:57,761
Speaker 2: to take care of myself. Then you know, I don't

350
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Speaker 2: need any of you, And it's not a good place

351
00:14:00,041 --> 00:14:01,881
Speaker 2: to be, like to feel like you don't need anybody,

352
00:14:02,121 --> 00:14:04,641
Speaker 2: But at the time, that's how I kind of protected myself,

353
00:14:06,361 --> 00:14:09,361
Speaker 2: letting anybody in or being hurt to that degree cachect yourself.

354
00:14:09,441 --> 00:14:11,961
Speaker 1: Yeah, from what you went through, that's really understandable. Though,

355
00:14:13,281 --> 00:14:16,441
Speaker 1: if you got the opportunity to have a conversation with him,

356
00:14:16,521 --> 00:14:18,121
Speaker 1: or say you on the street and he came up

357
00:14:18,121 --> 00:14:20,681
Speaker 1: to you, or you got to interview him anything like this,

358
00:14:21,561 --> 00:14:23,721
Speaker 1: would you want to have a conversation And is there

359
00:14:24,041 --> 00:14:25,841
Speaker 1: one or maybe two things you would like to ask

360
00:14:25,921 --> 00:14:28,361
Speaker 1: him or say to him that would help you feel

361
00:14:28,361 --> 00:14:30,841
Speaker 1: more healed or is it kind of so detached from

362
00:14:30,881 --> 00:14:32,241
Speaker 1: him that you wouldn't even want to talk to him.

363
00:14:32,801 --> 00:14:36,161
Speaker 2: I feel detached from him, yeah, but I also like

364
00:14:36,201 --> 00:14:38,601
Speaker 2: sometimes curiosity can get the better of me. Yeah, where

365
00:14:38,601 --> 00:14:41,321
Speaker 2: a part of me would love to understand like the

366
00:14:41,321 --> 00:14:43,281
Speaker 2: headspace that he was in at the time to do

367
00:14:43,321 --> 00:14:45,561
Speaker 2: something like that, you know, But then also as well,

368
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Speaker 2: I also don't want to understand, do you know what

369
00:14:47,681 --> 00:14:49,441
Speaker 2: I mean? So there's two parts of me that exist

370
00:14:49,521 --> 00:14:51,921
Speaker 2: where I would love to just be like do you

371
00:14:52,001 --> 00:14:52,721
Speaker 2: care that you did it?

372
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Speaker 1: Do you regret it? Like would you go back and

373
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Speaker 1: take it back?

374
00:14:55,521 --> 00:14:57,801
Speaker 2: Like I know that you can't, but like maybe to

375
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Speaker 2: hear those things and to hear for me, accountability is everything.

376
00:15:00,881 --> 00:15:02,761
Speaker 2: If I can hear somebody be accountable, I like, cool,

377
00:15:02,761 --> 00:15:04,321
Speaker 2: you know what, Like fuck, yeah, I forgive you, like

378
00:15:04,361 --> 00:15:06,721
Speaker 2: thank you for doing that. It's hard to take accountability,

379
00:15:07,081 --> 00:15:09,721
Speaker 2: but it's when somebody and this is what he did.

380
00:15:09,801 --> 00:15:12,161
Speaker 2: When I contacted him after and told him what I

381
00:15:12,201 --> 00:15:13,481
Speaker 2: had heard, he denied it.

382
00:15:14,161 --> 00:15:15,881
Speaker 1: Oh he didn't even admit it. He didn't admit it.

383
00:15:15,961 --> 00:15:18,241
Speaker 1: He didn't. And I'm like, okay, cool, what happened then?

384
00:15:18,321 --> 00:15:20,361
Speaker 2: Because I'd love to know, you know, I'm like, you've

385
00:15:20,361 --> 00:15:22,241
Speaker 2: literally not you'me in the video?

386
00:15:22,401 --> 00:15:24,521
Speaker 1: So were how did it get out? Yes, let's do it.

387
00:15:24,561 --> 00:15:27,521
Speaker 2: If this has destroyed my reputation, for one, it's destroyed

388
00:15:27,521 --> 00:15:31,081
Speaker 2: my relationship with myself. Couldn't self pleasure, have sex, be

389
00:15:31,201 --> 00:15:33,881
Speaker 2: intimate with anybody without feeling like this person's going to

390
00:15:34,001 --> 00:15:35,921
Speaker 2: use me, they're going to abuse me, they're going to

391
00:15:36,201 --> 00:15:38,561
Speaker 2: go behind my back and like deceive me in some

392
00:15:38,641 --> 00:15:40,601
Speaker 2: kind of way. And I was always waiting for betrayal

393
00:15:40,641 --> 00:15:42,761
Speaker 2: on the other side of a relationship. And that was

394
00:15:42,801 --> 00:15:46,121
Speaker 2: the aftermath of an experience like that is the mark

395
00:15:46,161 --> 00:15:47,721
Speaker 2: that it left with me was that like, oh my gosh,

396
00:15:47,761 --> 00:15:50,321
Speaker 2: you can't let anybody in because when you're vulnerable, they're

397
00:15:50,321 --> 00:15:52,961
Speaker 2: going to use it against you. And in the most

398
00:15:53,081 --> 00:15:55,761
Speaker 2: vulnerable way of being intimate, when you're literally like open,

399
00:15:55,841 --> 00:15:59,321
Speaker 2: like physically energetically open to receiving. And that was when

400
00:15:59,361 --> 00:16:00,841
Speaker 2: I was like damaged the most.

401
00:16:01,681 --> 00:16:03,281
Speaker 1: So if you to bump into them at a cafe

402
00:16:03,601 --> 00:16:06,681
Speaker 1: like actually physically oh shit, high, would you spark up

403
00:16:06,721 --> 00:16:09,561
Speaker 1: a conversation or about it, yeah, or would you.

404
00:16:09,561 --> 00:16:11,041
Speaker 2: Just be like, uh so, yeah, I don't think I

405
00:16:11,041 --> 00:16:12,521
Speaker 2: would give it the time of day, to be honest.

406
00:16:12,521 --> 00:16:14,721
Speaker 2: I've actually run into him on the Gold Coast because

407
00:16:14,761 --> 00:16:17,281
Speaker 2: he moved up from Wongong up here on the Gold.

408
00:16:17,041 --> 00:16:19,121
Speaker 1: Coast and you're like, why are you following me?

409
00:16:20,761 --> 00:16:23,761
Speaker 2: Yeah? Not literally, not long after I moved here.

410
00:16:23,921 --> 00:16:26,441
Speaker 1: I actually ran into him in a car park and

411
00:16:26,761 --> 00:16:27,881
Speaker 1: I would you freeze?

412
00:16:28,041 --> 00:16:29,761
Speaker 2: Yeah, I did because I was in shock a little

413
00:16:29,801 --> 00:16:31,321
Speaker 2: bit it was him, because I hadn't seen him in

414
00:16:31,401 --> 00:16:34,041
Speaker 2: so many years. But it was like I was taking

415
00:16:34,081 --> 00:16:35,681
Speaker 2: his car park and he was in a car full

416
00:16:35,681 --> 00:16:38,521
Speaker 2: of friends, and I was like, are you like leaving?

417
00:16:38,521 --> 00:16:40,481
Speaker 2: And I like pointed as if like are you leaving?

418
00:16:40,481 --> 00:16:42,561
Speaker 2: And he looked at me and he's just like yeah,

419
00:16:42,601 --> 00:16:45,361
Speaker 2: and then he left and then stared at me the

420
00:16:45,401 --> 00:16:47,841
Speaker 2: whole way he drove past, and I was just like,

421
00:16:48,001 --> 00:16:49,241
Speaker 2: what the actual hell, like A.

422
00:16:49,441 --> 00:16:51,801
Speaker 1: Remember your message? Yeah, I was like, oh my god, babe,

423
00:16:51,801 --> 00:16:52,961
Speaker 1: you wouldn't believe who I just saw.

424
00:16:53,801 --> 00:16:56,481
Speaker 2: And in that moment, I didn't have any rage or

425
00:16:56,481 --> 00:16:58,201
Speaker 2: animosity or like anything that came up for me in

426
00:16:58,201 --> 00:17:00,041
Speaker 2: that moment. It was more just like a oh, this

427
00:17:00,121 --> 00:17:03,121
Speaker 2: is such a long time ago, in such a big

428
00:17:03,161 --> 00:17:05,120
Speaker 2: part of my life back then, and.

429
00:17:05,161 --> 00:17:07,721
Speaker 1: I was just like, Wow, I can't believe that just happened. Yeah,

430
00:17:07,801 --> 00:17:10,721
Speaker 1: so confronting my goodness. So a story that you told

431
00:17:10,761 --> 00:17:14,080
Speaker 1: me is that a really close friend of his admitted

432
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:17,561
Speaker 1: that when your ex and all his friends were around drinking,

433
00:17:17,961 --> 00:17:20,561
Speaker 1: they would sit around the lounge and put it on

434
00:17:20,561 --> 00:17:22,880
Speaker 1: the big screen and laugh about it. Yeah, can you

435
00:17:22,921 --> 00:17:24,921
Speaker 1: tell us about how that made you feel? And yeah,

436
00:17:24,921 --> 00:17:25,600
Speaker 1: who told you that?

437
00:17:25,801 --> 00:17:27,600
Speaker 2: At the time when I found out I actually had

438
00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:30,480
Speaker 2: a new partner, he was very protective over me at

439
00:17:30,521 --> 00:17:33,001
Speaker 2: the time, but we also did have a couple of

440
00:17:33,041 --> 00:17:34,561
Speaker 2: issues because of it. I'll tell you about that in

441
00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:37,240
Speaker 2: a minute. But he was also good friends with a

442
00:17:37,241 --> 00:17:39,521
Speaker 2: friend of theirs. Oh right, They had been friends for

443
00:17:39,521 --> 00:17:41,400
Speaker 2: a really long time. I'm talking like in Wollongong, so

444
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:43,521
Speaker 2: everyone knows everyone. They'd been friends for like a good

445
00:17:43,521 --> 00:17:45,761
Speaker 2: ten years. He was also one of their best friends.

446
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:49,521
Speaker 2: So my ex boyfriend messaged and was like, Hey, can

447
00:17:49,561 --> 00:17:51,561
Speaker 2: I talk to you about something? Like, obviously you know

448
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:53,480
Speaker 2: about the video. You know that it exists, Da da

449
00:17:53,521 --> 00:17:56,600
Speaker 2: Datian is really struggling. Can you please tell us anything

450
00:17:56,600 --> 00:17:58,000
Speaker 2: that you know about it, because like, I'd really love

451
00:17:58,041 --> 00:17:59,360
Speaker 2: to get to the bottom of this because it's like

452
00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:01,521
Speaker 2: trying to help me work it out. And then I

453
00:18:01,561 --> 00:18:03,200
Speaker 2: was like, if there's anything you know they put on

454
00:18:03,241 --> 00:18:05,721
Speaker 2: the big screen and they were all drinking in their

455
00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:09,281
Speaker 2: boys house and like watching it on the screen and

456
00:18:09,321 --> 00:18:11,321
Speaker 2: like told me the names of the guys and that's

457
00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:13,041
Speaker 2: how I knew how to give the names to the police.

458
00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:16,400
Speaker 1: Because yeah, it's absolutely disgusting and like, I'm sorry, what

459
00:18:16,441 --> 00:18:18,041
Speaker 1: are you doing? You're just sitting around in a group

460
00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:19,840
Speaker 1: having a wang over this video, Like what do you

461
00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:23,001
Speaker 1: mean you're watching this video together? And what do you mean?

462
00:18:23,041 --> 00:18:25,680
Speaker 1: I just I can't understand why that's a good idea.

463
00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:27,760
Speaker 2: And you know, it's even like more embarrassing, like I

464
00:18:27,761 --> 00:18:29,761
Speaker 2: feel for me, not for me, but like just yuck

465
00:18:29,801 --> 00:18:32,481
Speaker 2: on them. Yeah, three of the guys from the group

466
00:18:32,481 --> 00:18:34,361
Speaker 2: who sat and watched the videotape all tried to get

467
00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:37,120
Speaker 2: with me after and they were all his best friends,

468
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:40,360
Speaker 2: three of them. That makes me feel so fucking violated

469
00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:43,441
Speaker 2: because one you're his best friends, and two you've also

470
00:18:43,481 --> 00:18:46,801
Speaker 2: sat around a couch and watched me have sex with

471
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:48,041
Speaker 2: literally one of your best friends.

472
00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:50,761
Speaker 1: And now you do you think they internally spoke about that,

473
00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:52,200
Speaker 1: like or wanting to get with you or do you

474
00:18:52,241 --> 00:18:55,321
Speaker 1: think they was like a forbidden Like I don't know,

475
00:18:55,441 --> 00:18:56,920
Speaker 1: I don't know, I sound like a fucking game that

476
00:18:56,921 --> 00:18:58,120
Speaker 1: they were all like, oh, let's see who can get

477
00:18:58,120 --> 00:18:58,481
Speaker 1: with her neck.

478
00:18:58,521 --> 00:19:00,360
Speaker 2: I don't know, you know what it does sound give them,

479
00:19:00,360 --> 00:19:02,120
Speaker 2: but that's what I mean. It does feel a little

480
00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:04,561
Speaker 2: bit like that of like oh, well, maybe she's easy.

481
00:19:04,561 --> 00:19:07,120
Speaker 1: Maybe just the immaturity of that, Like that just sounds

482
00:19:07,120 --> 00:19:07,840
Speaker 1: so immature.

483
00:19:07,961 --> 00:19:09,841
Speaker 2: We were also like young, I think they would have been.

484
00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:12,001
Speaker 2: At the time when I made the video, I was seventeen,

485
00:19:12,041 --> 00:19:14,161
Speaker 2: so they were all nineteen, so only two years older

486
00:19:14,201 --> 00:19:16,960
Speaker 2: than me. And when I found out, I was nineteen,

487
00:19:17,041 --> 00:19:18,681
Speaker 2: so they a would have been like twenty one. All

488
00:19:18,721 --> 00:19:21,321
Speaker 2: super young in the head, you know, super immature, like

489
00:19:21,521 --> 00:19:24,880
Speaker 2: not very respectful, but makes my body like shudder, it's disgusting,

490
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:25,881
Speaker 2: you know.

491
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:29,721
Speaker 1: Sorry, Alow. There's so many layers to it. Hey, it's

492
00:19:29,761 --> 00:19:32,240
Speaker 1: like not only the actual event, it's the aftermath of

493
00:19:32,281 --> 00:19:34,600
Speaker 1: all of these extra things. Yeah, but you have to

494
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:36,441
Speaker 1: then deal with you can't just escape it and move

495
00:19:36,481 --> 00:19:37,200
Speaker 1: on with your life.

496
00:19:37,241 --> 00:19:40,881
Speaker 2: Well, there also is like a lot of dissociating after that.

497
00:19:41,241 --> 00:19:43,160
Speaker 2: So when it came to like having sex and being

498
00:19:43,241 --> 00:19:45,201
Speaker 2: intimate with partners after that, I remember this one partner

499
00:19:45,241 --> 00:19:47,521
Speaker 2: that I had, Levi. He was such a beautiful partner,

500
00:19:48,001 --> 00:19:50,640
Speaker 2: incredible human being, and we just like didn't work out.

501
00:19:50,681 --> 00:19:55,161
Speaker 2: We just like weren't aligned long term. And I remember

502
00:19:55,281 --> 00:19:59,000
Speaker 2: like being intimate with him and feeling myself dissociate and

503
00:19:59,120 --> 00:20:02,920
Speaker 2: just like not being fully present, and I remember from

504
00:20:02,961 --> 00:20:05,521
Speaker 2: that video. After that, because I was so emotionally and

505
00:20:05,561 --> 00:20:09,641
Speaker 2: mentally checked out, I started to like perform in the bedroom.

506
00:20:10,001 --> 00:20:10,481
Speaker 1: So it was.

507
00:20:10,481 --> 00:20:13,160
Speaker 2: Really about, Okay, well, I have a duty as a

508
00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:15,920
Speaker 2: partner to like be intimate with my partner. This is

509
00:20:15,921 --> 00:20:18,120
Speaker 2: the story I was telling myself. I had a duty

510
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:21,200
Speaker 2: to be intimate with my partner, so I have to

511
00:20:21,201 --> 00:20:23,080
Speaker 2: give them what it is they need in a relationship.

512
00:20:23,321 --> 00:20:25,521
Speaker 2: I'm not here mentally, but I've still got a shot

513
00:20:25,561 --> 00:20:28,960
Speaker 2: up for them. And so it was like me dissociating,

514
00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:31,960
Speaker 2: not fully being there, performing putting on a show, but

515
00:20:32,001 --> 00:20:35,960
Speaker 2: then like afterwards, not feeling satisfied, connected, even safe in

516
00:20:35,961 --> 00:20:36,561
Speaker 2: my own body.

517
00:20:37,761 --> 00:20:40,641
Speaker 1: Oh so much. I felt so like lifeless after that.

518
00:20:41,321 --> 00:20:42,480
Speaker 2: And I don't know if I've shared this on the

519
00:20:42,481 --> 00:20:44,960
Speaker 2: podcast before, but I feel like I've been a pretty

520
00:20:45,001 --> 00:20:46,561
Speaker 2: sexual being from a really young age.

521
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:48,360
Speaker 1: So I started to self pleasure.

522
00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:51,120
Speaker 2: From a really young age, very curious about myself and

523
00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:54,241
Speaker 2: my body, and then to go the complete opposite way

524
00:20:54,521 --> 00:20:58,521
Speaker 2: where I felt super sexual, super open, super curious about

525
00:20:58,521 --> 00:21:02,281
Speaker 2: my body, to feeling all this shame that like literally

526
00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:04,680
Speaker 2: the moment I would self pleasure or something that my

527
00:21:04,721 --> 00:21:06,121
Speaker 2: thoughts to be like, Nope, you're so bad.

528
00:21:06,201 --> 00:21:08,321
Speaker 1: Nope, you're shame. Nope, you're disgusting. No, you're dirty. You

529
00:21:08,321 --> 00:21:10,281
Speaker 1: shouldn't want this. Why do you want this?

530
00:21:10,681 --> 00:21:12,600
Speaker 2: And then when I do it with a partner, I'd

531
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:15,000
Speaker 2: let myself like relax for a minute and let it in,

532
00:21:15,041 --> 00:21:17,001
Speaker 2: and then I'd be like, Nope, you're a slot. Nope,

533
00:21:17,001 --> 00:21:19,161
Speaker 2: you're impure. They're not gonna love you. No, why would

534
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:20,761
Speaker 2: they want you? Why would they want to stay with you?

535
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:22,561
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, when they find out about the video,

536
00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:23,001
Speaker 2: they're going to.

537
00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:24,961
Speaker 1: Leave you, you know. So it was like this.

538
00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:29,281
Speaker 2: Constant battle with my own mind, of my own shame,

539
00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:34,080
Speaker 2: everybody else's judgment. Yeah, and then just this huge disconnection

540
00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:35,680
Speaker 2: from my own body.

541
00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:38,400
Speaker 1: Gosh, it's a lot, isn't it. If you were to

542
00:21:38,441 --> 00:21:40,720
Speaker 1: pinpoint why they all put on the big screen, what

543
00:21:40,761 --> 00:21:41,920
Speaker 1: do you think they actually got out of it? Do

544
00:21:41,921 --> 00:21:46,760
Speaker 1: you think it was humor, ego, dominance, bonding, envy? Like

545
00:21:46,801 --> 00:21:48,640
Speaker 1: what do you think they were getting out of that?

546
00:21:48,681 --> 00:21:50,360
Speaker 1: Because in my head, I'm like, you guys are sick.

547
00:21:50,441 --> 00:21:52,440
Speaker 1: Are you literally sitting around having a wing together? Like

548
00:21:52,441 --> 00:21:55,840
Speaker 1: why are you watching that? That's like a pornographic clip? Yeah,

549
00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:57,561
Speaker 1: Like what do you mean you're sitting around just chilling

550
00:21:57,600 --> 00:22:00,481
Speaker 1: having a beer, like, let's watch this tape. Like that's

551
00:22:00,521 --> 00:22:04,201
Speaker 1: just my brain can't understand why that's a good idea.

552
00:22:04,481 --> 00:22:06,880
Speaker 1: I don't know. I think I imagine. I don't know.

553
00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:08,841
Speaker 2: The only way that my brain can process it is like, oh,

554
00:22:08,921 --> 00:22:11,521
Speaker 2: like Brownie Points with the Boys, right, that makes sense,

555
00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:12,880
Speaker 2: you know, like oh I'm cool.

556
00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:14,720
Speaker 1: You know when like boys sleep around, it's like, oh,

557
00:22:14,761 --> 00:22:17,281
Speaker 1: your legend you've got on the weekend. Oh for my girl,

558
00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:19,521
Speaker 1: I was like, oh my gosh, you're a blood. Yeah

559
00:22:19,561 --> 00:22:22,240
Speaker 1: she's double standard. Yeah, you know, why is it like that?

560
00:22:22,241 --> 00:22:23,640
Speaker 1: That's so weird, it's so awful.

561
00:22:23,681 --> 00:22:25,160
Speaker 2: But yeah, that's what I imagine it would be of

562
00:22:25,201 --> 00:22:27,160
Speaker 2: like Brownie Points with the Boys, of like, oh I

563
00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:29,920
Speaker 2: had sex with this person, even though with a relationship

564
00:22:29,961 --> 00:22:33,080
Speaker 2: like three years, which is gross for one, but yeah,

565
00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:34,681
Speaker 2: to just be like, look, well I've got on take

566
00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:36,761
Speaker 2: you can watch it. Yeah, you know, look at what

567
00:22:36,761 --> 00:22:38,480
Speaker 2: she's like in the bedroom, like yuck.

568
00:22:39,001 --> 00:22:42,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, oh yeah it makes me angry sometimes I can

569
00:22:42,041 --> 00:22:45,561
Speaker 1: feel anger right now of course, just like fuck you? Yeah,

570
00:22:45,721 --> 00:22:49,160
Speaker 1: how dare you gross? Oh? I know as your best friend? Now,

571
00:22:49,561 --> 00:22:51,761
Speaker 1: Like I just so hate that I wasn't there for

572
00:22:51,801 --> 00:22:53,080
Speaker 1: you back then, because I feel like I would have

573
00:22:53,120 --> 00:22:54,640
Speaker 1: been such a good support system. I just would have

574
00:22:54,681 --> 00:22:57,881
Speaker 1: hate the thought of you going through that alone. Then.

575
00:22:57,880 --> 00:22:59,600
Speaker 1: I can imagine like some of the people around you

576
00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:02,680
Speaker 1: would have felt so helpless and not knowing how to

577
00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:05,241
Speaker 1: protect you and support you. But I just think I

578
00:23:05,241 --> 00:23:07,521
Speaker 1: would have wanted to keep reminding you like that that

579
00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:09,601
Speaker 1: incident doesn't have to define who you are, and get

580
00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:11,641
Speaker 1: reminding of you of the beautiful parts of who you are.

581
00:23:12,120 --> 00:23:13,680
Speaker 2: You know, you would have been the best support that

582
00:23:13,721 --> 00:23:15,240
Speaker 2: I would have loved to have you there with me.

583
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:18,600
Speaker 2: But I think at the time, I think I held it.

584
00:23:18,521 --> 00:23:20,361
Speaker 1: Well, oh, it sounds like you did incredible.

585
00:23:20,481 --> 00:23:22,761
Speaker 2: Yeah, And not to like boast or anything like that,

586
00:23:22,801 --> 00:23:25,721
Speaker 2: because I was fucking crumbling inside. But I was scared

587
00:23:26,001 --> 00:23:28,801
Speaker 2: of letting people see how much it impacted me because

588
00:23:28,801 --> 00:23:30,281
Speaker 2: I felt like I needed to be the strong one.

589
00:23:30,281 --> 00:23:32,561
Speaker 2: And we talk about this often of being like, well,

590
00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:34,761
Speaker 2: I need to put on this facade so that people

591
00:23:34,761 --> 00:23:36,640
Speaker 2: don't see what's really going on for me, and to

592
00:23:36,721 --> 00:23:40,241
Speaker 2: see how shameful I feel, how dirty I feel, how

593
00:23:40,281 --> 00:23:42,241
Speaker 2: disgusting I feel in my own skin, that I literally

594
00:23:42,241 --> 00:23:44,400
Speaker 2: want to crawl out of it every fucking day because

595
00:23:44,441 --> 00:23:46,240
Speaker 2: people have literally seen my body in a way that

596
00:23:46,241 --> 00:23:49,360
Speaker 2: I didn't give them permission to and to know that

597
00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:51,680
Speaker 2: that felt like it was taken away from me without

598
00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:52,600
Speaker 2: my choice.

599
00:23:53,041 --> 00:23:54,400
Speaker 1: That was the hardest part to deal with.

600
00:23:54,481 --> 00:23:56,280
Speaker 2: But I feel like I didn't really let people in

601
00:23:56,321 --> 00:23:58,001
Speaker 2: because after that I closed it up. Even with all

602
00:23:58,041 --> 00:24:00,600
Speaker 2: my close friends, I didn't talk about it. I didn't

603
00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:01,960
Speaker 2: want to bring it up. If they brought it up,

604
00:24:01,961 --> 00:24:03,561
Speaker 2: I would shut it down. If they brought it up,

605
00:24:03,561 --> 00:24:06,761
Speaker 2: I would drink. I would go out every weekend jokes

606
00:24:06,761 --> 00:24:09,201
Speaker 2: about it, get fucking sloshed. Like no, I just would

607
00:24:09,241 --> 00:24:11,561
Speaker 2: try not to. Yeah, okay, you know I probably act like,

608
00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:14,321
Speaker 2: oh fuck, well whatever, it's already out there, now, what can.

609
00:24:14,201 --> 00:24:14,841
Speaker 1: I do about it?

610
00:24:14,921 --> 00:24:16,801
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, that kind of thing, and brush it off.

611
00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:21,521
Speaker 2: But honestly, like, yeah, it was so yeah, anxiety ridding.

612
00:24:21,761 --> 00:24:24,801
Speaker 2: I guess like I lost all my social skills, couldn't

613
00:24:24,801 --> 00:24:27,920
Speaker 2: communicate with people anymore. Was really scared to talk to

614
00:24:27,921 --> 00:24:30,160
Speaker 2: people for the first time because I thought like they

615
00:24:30,201 --> 00:24:33,721
Speaker 2: had already seen it and I mentioned, yeah, oh wow,

616
00:24:33,761 --> 00:24:36,801
Speaker 2: they're thinking about me having sex on camera, like whatever.

617
00:24:37,001 --> 00:24:39,201
Speaker 2: Watching a three minute long video you know.

618
00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:43,480
Speaker 1: The hell long it went for Yeah, all right, this

619
00:24:43,561 --> 00:24:45,120
Speaker 1: is more of a heavier question. But I know in

620
00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:49,321
Speaker 1: the previous episode that you had like suicidal thoughts. Can

621
00:24:49,360 --> 00:24:52,160
Speaker 1: you take us back to the moment where you first

622
00:24:52,241 --> 00:24:55,041
Speaker 1: felt that and how far you went with it and

623
00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:56,480
Speaker 1: what you did to work through that.

624
00:24:58,561 --> 00:25:00,641
Speaker 2: I think from the moment that I found out, which

625
00:25:00,761 --> 00:25:04,001
Speaker 2: was the night that Laura came over, I remember sitting

626
00:25:04,041 --> 00:25:06,361
Speaker 2: in the shower and just feelings so out of sorts,

627
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:09,200
Speaker 2: like I just felt like the shower. This is going

628
00:25:09,241 --> 00:25:10,561
Speaker 2: to be a bad explanation, but it's kind of like

629
00:25:10,561 --> 00:25:12,761
Speaker 2: when you're on mushies and you're like the room is

630
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:13,841
Speaker 2: changing and things like that.

631
00:25:13,921 --> 00:25:15,440
Speaker 1: It felt like the floor was sinking.

632
00:25:16,041 --> 00:25:19,961
Speaker 2: It's like everything in my life exploded, imploded, and nothing

633
00:25:20,001 --> 00:25:24,241
Speaker 2: mattered anymore. And like the words of family members didn't

634
00:25:24,241 --> 00:25:26,720
Speaker 2: mean anything. They didn't touch the sides. Anything that my

635
00:25:26,721 --> 00:25:28,521
Speaker 2: friends could have said didn't touch the sides. I just

636
00:25:28,561 --> 00:25:32,680
Speaker 2: felt so alone and like in the dark that I

637
00:25:32,801 --> 00:25:34,801
Speaker 2: just immediately started dumbing out, like.

638
00:25:34,761 --> 00:25:36,760
Speaker 1: I couldn't sit with it. I couldn't sit with it.

639
00:25:36,801 --> 00:25:38,160
Speaker 1: I ran from it. I avoided it.

640
00:25:38,201 --> 00:25:40,680
Speaker 2: But the thing with that is the more that I

641
00:25:40,761 --> 00:25:43,521
Speaker 2: ran from it the worse that it got because with time,

642
00:25:44,360 --> 00:25:47,840
Speaker 2: I would bender and I would go out for three

643
00:25:47,921 --> 00:25:49,920
Speaker 2: days of the weekend and I would come home and

644
00:25:49,961 --> 00:25:52,441
Speaker 2: I would be so fucking depressed for the next week

645
00:25:52,481 --> 00:25:56,680
Speaker 2: coming down. And every single time I did that, it's

646
00:25:56,761 --> 00:25:59,521
Speaker 2: stacked because I didn't face it, I avoided it. I

647
00:25:59,561 --> 00:26:02,041
Speaker 2: suppressed it, and then when I would drink the next

648
00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:04,441
Speaker 2: couple of days, it would come out like so bad,

649
00:26:04,481 --> 00:26:07,720
Speaker 2: and I would be like sitting on my balcony at

650
00:26:07,761 --> 00:26:10,321
Speaker 2: my apartment in Wongong, and It'd be five am in

651
00:26:10,321 --> 00:26:13,761
Speaker 2: the morning and I'd be fucking sobbing, babe. I'd be

652
00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:18,481
Speaker 2: like hysterically crying on my balcony, just like fucking like shaking,

653
00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:21,680
Speaker 2: and like I remember this one time I lived with

654
00:26:21,721 --> 00:26:23,601
Speaker 2: my sister Chantal and she had a boyfriend at the time,

655
00:26:23,640 --> 00:26:25,521
Speaker 2: and I remember coming home and again it was another

656
00:26:25,521 --> 00:26:28,080
Speaker 2: five am coming home because I didn't want to be alone.

657
00:26:28,120 --> 00:26:29,761
Speaker 2: I didn't want to face myself, I didn't want to

658
00:26:29,761 --> 00:26:31,720
Speaker 2: sit with it. I didn't want to feel like I

659
00:26:31,721 --> 00:26:33,401
Speaker 2: wanted to get out of my own skin. So I'd

660
00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:35,360
Speaker 2: go and I'd lay in bed with her her boyfriend.

661
00:26:35,360 --> 00:26:36,721
Speaker 2: W'd be on the side shant I'll be in the middle.

662
00:26:36,721 --> 00:26:38,041
Speaker 2: I'd be on this side, she'd be hugging me, and

663
00:26:38,041 --> 00:26:42,281
Speaker 2: I'd just be like hysterically crying, like profusely, just like

664
00:26:42,281 --> 00:26:45,840
Speaker 2: like I just couldn't face it, and the drinking allowed

665
00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:48,281
Speaker 2: me to suppress a lot of it. But in terms

666
00:26:48,321 --> 00:26:51,281
Speaker 2: of how far I took it, I feel like I

667
00:26:51,321 --> 00:26:53,480
Speaker 2: definitely went to thoughts of feeling like if I just

668
00:26:53,521 --> 00:26:55,321
Speaker 2: like take a couple of pills, and like I take

669
00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:56,761
Speaker 2: too many of them, then at least that would be

670
00:26:56,840 --> 00:26:59,721
Speaker 2: like an easy way to go, and then it won't

671
00:26:59,721 --> 00:27:01,920
Speaker 2: be too traumatic for my family because I felt like

672
00:27:01,921 --> 00:27:03,200
Speaker 2: a burden, you.

673
00:27:03,201 --> 00:27:04,681
Speaker 1: Know, fantasized about not being here.

674
00:27:05,441 --> 00:27:07,600
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, and I thought that would be like the

675
00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:08,480
Speaker 2: easiest way to go.

676
00:27:08,640 --> 00:27:10,641
Speaker 1: Did you think it'd be easier for your family too.

677
00:27:10,921 --> 00:27:12,481
Speaker 2: No, I didn't think about that at the time. Yeah,

678
00:27:12,681 --> 00:27:14,881
Speaker 2: just to be fair, Yeah, that's not where my head

679
00:27:14,921 --> 00:27:17,920
Speaker 2: went at first. My head went there afterwards when I

680
00:27:17,961 --> 00:27:20,120
Speaker 2: thought like, oh fuck, like my thoughts are getting pretty

681
00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:22,640
Speaker 2: dark right now. I can't believe I've been considering this

682
00:27:22,801 --> 00:27:24,240
Speaker 2: or like there would be times where I'd literally be

683
00:27:24,241 --> 00:27:25,360
Speaker 2: in the car and I'd be like if I just

684
00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:28,801
Speaker 2: like go into the pole, like it'll be fine, yeah,

685
00:27:28,880 --> 00:27:30,761
Speaker 2: you know, and it'll happen instantly, and like, this is

686
00:27:30,761 --> 00:27:32,521
Speaker 2: really we should put a fucking trigger warning on this.

687
00:27:32,561 --> 00:27:34,960
Speaker 2: Actually yeah we will, but yeah, if I just do that,

688
00:27:35,001 --> 00:27:38,480
Speaker 2: like it'll be fine. And so the combination of feeling

689
00:27:38,481 --> 00:27:41,521
Speaker 2: all those things, being scared to feel suppressing and numbing

690
00:27:41,840 --> 00:27:44,680
Speaker 2: and also just like fucking hating myself, babe.

691
00:27:44,840 --> 00:27:46,600
Speaker 1: So how did you talk yourself out of that? Because

692
00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:50,080
Speaker 1: it's a pretty deep dark hole. There is a process

693
00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:53,440
Speaker 1: to move out of that low rock bottom state of

694
00:27:53,481 --> 00:27:55,200
Speaker 1: not wanting to be on earth. Like what was your

695
00:27:55,241 --> 00:27:56,760
Speaker 1: process to move out of that?

696
00:27:57,001 --> 00:27:59,321
Speaker 2: I think the biggest thing was, like I had one

697
00:27:59,360 --> 00:28:02,801
Speaker 2: of those moments where I was like bending heaps and yeah,

698
00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:05,001
Speaker 2: drinking all the time, getting on benders, doing lots of

699
00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:08,401
Speaker 2: like party and recreational drugs and things like that. Had

700
00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:11,201
Speaker 2: too big of a weekend one time, and I came

701
00:28:11,201 --> 00:28:12,641
Speaker 2: out of the weekend or supposed to go to work

702
00:28:12,681 --> 00:28:15,321
Speaker 2: on Monday, couldn't get out of bed, couldn't get out

703
00:28:15,321 --> 00:28:17,400
Speaker 2: of bed for the next day either, and my neck

704
00:28:17,481 --> 00:28:20,080
Speaker 2: started to stiffen up, and I realized by Friday that

705
00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:21,161
Speaker 2: like my neck was paralyzed.

706
00:28:21,201 --> 00:28:23,641
Speaker 1: I couldn't move it. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat,

707
00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:25,161
Speaker 1: I couldn't do anything. I couldn't move.

708
00:28:25,321 --> 00:28:28,120
Speaker 2: I would cry all night for like three days straight. Anyway,

709
00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:30,121
Speaker 2: I ended up going to the hospital and they told

710
00:28:30,120 --> 00:28:32,160
Speaker 2: me that my neck was like temporarily paralyzed because of

711
00:28:32,201 --> 00:28:34,561
Speaker 2: whatever party drugs I had taken. So I had to

712
00:28:34,561 --> 00:28:36,480
Speaker 2: get like a needle that was like as long as

713
00:28:36,521 --> 00:28:39,801
Speaker 2: the thirty centimeter ruler in my spine to take out

714
00:28:39,801 --> 00:28:41,521
Speaker 2: the fluid in my spine to see what was happening

715
00:28:41,561 --> 00:28:42,601
Speaker 2: in the vertebras of my neck.

716
00:28:43,681 --> 00:28:46,481
Speaker 1: And with that, they basically kept me in.

717
00:28:46,401 --> 00:28:49,001
Speaker 2: The hospital for like twenty four hours or something flushed

718
00:28:49,001 --> 00:28:51,200
Speaker 2: my system out whatever, and they basically just said to

719
00:28:51,201 --> 00:28:52,761
Speaker 2: me like, if you want to keep going this way,

720
00:28:52,881 --> 00:28:55,960
Speaker 2: you'll die by the time you hit thirty. And that

721
00:28:56,041 --> 00:28:57,961
Speaker 2: kind of like scared me and just like shook me up.

722
00:28:58,081 --> 00:29:00,801
Speaker 2: And after that I got tests work with a nature

723
00:29:00,841 --> 00:29:02,321
Speaker 2: path and I was just like, Okay, like I need

724
00:29:02,361 --> 00:29:04,881
Speaker 2: to stop partying for one. If I'm going to stop

725
00:29:04,881 --> 00:29:07,921
Speaker 2: doing this cycle of really highs and really lows, I'm

726
00:29:07,921 --> 00:29:09,000
Speaker 2: going to have to stop partying.

727
00:29:09,041 --> 00:29:09,481
Speaker 1: So I did.

728
00:29:09,521 --> 00:29:12,841
Speaker 2: I weaned off alcohol, stop doing drugs, stop partying, and

729
00:29:12,921 --> 00:29:14,960
Speaker 2: kind of clean up my life in that aspect and

730
00:29:15,001 --> 00:29:19,121
Speaker 2: then just kind of poured my focus into training. And yeah,

731
00:29:19,161 --> 00:29:22,321
Speaker 2: I think like getting off alcohol and drugs and then

732
00:29:22,521 --> 00:29:25,481
Speaker 2: pouring my time and effort and energy into training really

733
00:29:25,481 --> 00:29:28,201
Speaker 2: really helped me. And I think even now to this day,

734
00:29:28,281 --> 00:29:32,001
Speaker 2: like when I feel overwhelmed or I'm sad, or I'm anxious,

735
00:29:32,121 --> 00:29:34,041
Speaker 2: or even back when I was having panic attacks, like

736
00:29:34,121 --> 00:29:35,801
Speaker 2: I would go to the gym, or i'd go for

737
00:29:35,841 --> 00:29:37,521
Speaker 2: a walk, or I'd literally go and i'd sit and

738
00:29:37,521 --> 00:29:39,401
Speaker 2: I'd be doing my lap pull downs and I'd be

739
00:29:39,481 --> 00:29:41,200
Speaker 2: fucking balling my eyes out, but I would just be

740
00:29:41,241 --> 00:29:44,361
Speaker 2: doing it for moving the energy, and so that became

741
00:29:44,441 --> 00:29:46,401
Speaker 2: kind of like my lifeline in that time.

742
00:29:46,921 --> 00:29:49,561
Speaker 1: And then, yeah, I think.

743
00:29:49,481 --> 00:29:51,841
Speaker 2: Just like reframing the thoughts of like this can't be

744
00:29:51,921 --> 00:29:54,601
Speaker 2: all there is for me. Yeah, you know, I think

745
00:29:54,761 --> 00:29:57,041
Speaker 2: once I experienced those thoughts, I was like, Okay, that's

746
00:29:57,041 --> 00:29:58,881
Speaker 2: a possibility. I can go down that right if I

747
00:29:58,881 --> 00:30:01,241
Speaker 2: want to. But do I really want to let something

748
00:30:01,321 --> 00:30:03,321
Speaker 2: like this be the reason why I don't progress in

749
00:30:03,361 --> 00:30:06,281
Speaker 2: my life or why I don't, you know, go down

750
00:30:06,281 --> 00:30:07,641
Speaker 2: a path that I'm really proud of.

751
00:30:07,721 --> 00:30:09,121
Speaker 1: You know, I always felt like I was a.

752
00:30:09,001 --> 00:30:11,601
Speaker 2: Big vision, big dreamer kind of girl, and I always

753
00:30:11,641 --> 00:30:13,361
Speaker 2: knew that I had that in me, but I didn't

754
00:30:13,401 --> 00:30:15,481
Speaker 2: know how to get there because I was fucking up.

755
00:30:15,361 --> 00:30:18,161
Speaker 1: My life so bad, drowning. I was drowning, babe.

756
00:30:18,201 --> 00:30:20,041
Speaker 2: And because I was doing that, it felt so far

757
00:30:20,121 --> 00:30:21,881
Speaker 2: away that I was like, is that even possible for me?

758
00:30:22,001 --> 00:30:23,681
Speaker 2: I don't know how do I get there? I'm so

759
00:30:23,881 --> 00:30:25,881
Speaker 2: far away from that. I actually don't know how to

760
00:30:25,881 --> 00:30:29,041
Speaker 2: get there. And then yeah, So with that thought in mind,

761
00:30:29,081 --> 00:30:31,361
Speaker 2: I was like, Okay, well, what would a version of

762
00:30:31,401 --> 00:30:33,881
Speaker 2: me that I'd actually be proud of, Like, what's the

763
00:30:33,881 --> 00:30:35,720
Speaker 2: next step that she would take? I don't need to

764
00:30:35,761 --> 00:30:37,480
Speaker 2: fucking climb the ladder, but I just need to like

765
00:30:37,601 --> 00:30:39,681
Speaker 2: tast it. What can I do now in this moment

766
00:30:39,721 --> 00:30:41,681
Speaker 2: to feel proud of myself and to start rebuilding that

767
00:30:41,761 --> 00:30:44,441
Speaker 2: relationship with myself again so that I don't fucking hate

768
00:30:44,441 --> 00:30:46,161
Speaker 2: being in my own skin because that's how it felt,

769
00:30:46,361 --> 00:30:46,561
Speaker 2: you know.

770
00:30:47,521 --> 00:30:47,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I.

771
00:30:48,001 --> 00:30:52,321
Speaker 2: Think just like step by step that stopping drinking, working

772
00:30:52,401 --> 00:30:55,200
Speaker 2: on like my fitness and my health, and ultimately I

773
00:30:55,201 --> 00:30:57,841
Speaker 2: think the biggest not I think, I know, the biggest

774
00:30:57,841 --> 00:30:59,961
Speaker 2: thing that changed my life was actually hiring a life coach.

775
00:31:00,601 --> 00:31:02,361
Speaker 2: And I say this often. I've said this literally three

776
00:31:02,401 --> 00:31:05,361
Speaker 2: times in the last week. Hiring a life coach was

777
00:31:05,401 --> 00:31:06,801
Speaker 2: the best thing that I ever did for myself. And

778
00:31:06,841 --> 00:31:09,681
Speaker 2: I owe my life to this work because otherwise I

779
00:31:09,681 --> 00:31:13,281
Speaker 2: would probably be somewhere very bad, worse off. That's why

780
00:31:13,401 --> 00:31:15,121
Speaker 2: you do it right now, That's why I do it,

781
00:31:15,201 --> 00:31:16,801
Speaker 2: and that's why I think like I can hold my

782
00:31:16,881 --> 00:31:19,081
Speaker 2: clients in the way that I do with no judgment,

783
00:31:19,121 --> 00:31:21,881
Speaker 2: with no biased opinion, create a safe space, like there's

784
00:31:21,921 --> 00:31:23,801
Speaker 2: nothing that you can bring in here that like, I

785
00:31:23,841 --> 00:31:27,121
Speaker 2: don't think I've either done worse or judged myself for

786
00:31:27,601 --> 00:31:29,521
Speaker 2: worse way back when. But because I've been able to

787
00:31:29,601 --> 00:31:31,401
Speaker 2: move through it myself, I feel like I hold the

788
00:31:31,441 --> 00:31:33,081
Speaker 2: space really beautifully for the women and.

789
00:31:33,201 --> 00:31:34,760
Speaker 1: The gift in what's happened, isn't it.

790
00:31:34,881 --> 00:31:36,961
Speaker 2: And the reality is like a lot of women carry

791
00:31:37,001 --> 00:31:39,361
Speaker 2: a lot of sexual shame, and it is at the

792
00:31:39,481 --> 00:31:42,161
Speaker 2: root a lot of self doubt and self shaming and

793
00:31:42,241 --> 00:31:44,961
Speaker 2: you know, self punishment and all those things. So I'm

794
00:31:45,001 --> 00:31:47,200
Speaker 2: really grateful and glad that I've been able to go

795
00:31:47,241 --> 00:31:49,361
Speaker 2: through this because it allows me to hold women in

796
00:31:49,361 --> 00:31:51,401
Speaker 2: a way where they immediately can come to me and

797
00:31:51,601 --> 00:31:53,081
Speaker 2: open up and know, oh my gosh, she's not going

798
00:31:53,121 --> 00:31:53,521
Speaker 2: to judge me.

799
00:31:53,601 --> 00:31:55,681
Speaker 1: Yeah, oh my god. I feel so safe, you know.

800
00:31:55,961 --> 00:31:57,601
Speaker 2: And I truly believe that I wouldn't be able to

801
00:31:57,601 --> 00:32:00,121
Speaker 2: do what I do now if I didn't have that experience,

802
00:32:00,401 --> 00:32:02,601
Speaker 2: go through the sexual shame. Have to claw my way

803
00:32:02,641 --> 00:32:05,801
Speaker 2: out of that experience and reconnect with my body in

804
00:32:05,801 --> 00:32:07,881
Speaker 2: a way that pleasure feels safe now, you know.

805
00:32:07,961 --> 00:32:09,401
Speaker 1: And it's still a work in progress.

806
00:32:09,721 --> 00:32:12,281
Speaker 2: It's not all the way there, but like I'm working

807
00:32:12,281 --> 00:32:14,121
Speaker 2: on it, and I think it'll always be something that

808
00:32:14,161 --> 00:32:17,561
Speaker 2: will continuously come back up. But I am just proud

809
00:32:17,601 --> 00:32:19,921
Speaker 2: of myself for the way that I navigated that situation

810
00:32:20,161 --> 00:32:23,601
Speaker 2: at nineteen years old and just how I've been able

811
00:32:23,601 --> 00:32:25,321
Speaker 2: to come into myself as a woman, also with the

812
00:32:25,361 --> 00:32:27,841
Speaker 2: help and support of the people around me, my coaches,

813
00:32:28,601 --> 00:32:31,240
Speaker 2: endless amounts of money, time effort that I've poured and

814
00:32:31,281 --> 00:32:34,801
Speaker 2: consistently chose every single day to continue to become a.

815
00:32:34,721 --> 00:32:38,121
Speaker 1: Better version of myself. Choose yourself. And if you see, you.

816
00:32:38,161 --> 00:32:40,761
Speaker 2: Know, my content on social media, it's why I talk

817
00:32:40,801 --> 00:32:44,681
Speaker 2: about so much becoming someone that you're proud of self

818
00:32:44,761 --> 00:32:47,761
Speaker 2: worse self worth because I didn't have any at one point.

819
00:32:48,081 --> 00:32:49,801
Speaker 2: I know what it feels like to have had none

820
00:32:50,281 --> 00:32:51,881
Speaker 2: and to be on the other side of that and

821
00:32:51,921 --> 00:32:53,641
Speaker 2: to feel like, holy shit, I'm so proud of the

822
00:32:53,641 --> 00:32:56,441
Speaker 2: person that I am, the choices I'm making, who I'm

823
00:32:56,481 --> 00:32:58,321
Speaker 2: choosing to be, the way that I choose to think,

824
00:32:58,401 --> 00:33:01,161
Speaker 2: because it could have gone a very different way for you,

825
00:33:01,161 --> 00:33:03,121
Speaker 2: you know, just like what it could for you, And

826
00:33:03,121 --> 00:33:04,961
Speaker 2: I'm sure you've had your own moments of that too,

827
00:33:05,161 --> 00:33:08,681
Speaker 2: Like none of us are exempt from hard times, challenging situations,

828
00:33:09,161 --> 00:33:12,601
Speaker 2: self doubt, you know, mental shame, spirals, all of it.

829
00:33:12,681 --> 00:33:14,000
Speaker 2: Like none of us are exempt from that.

830
00:33:14,801 --> 00:33:16,440
Speaker 1: What advice do you have for someone This is a

831
00:33:16,441 --> 00:33:19,041
Speaker 1: completely different question, but it did come through our dms

832
00:33:19,041 --> 00:33:22,161
Speaker 1: once and people like filming themselves. What advice would you

833
00:33:22,201 --> 00:33:25,281
Speaker 1: have with someone that enjoys making videos with their partner?

834
00:33:26,041 --> 00:33:27,601
Speaker 1: Would you tell them not to do it? This has

835
00:33:27,641 --> 00:33:29,721
Speaker 1: come up in a conversation for me and you because

836
00:33:29,721 --> 00:33:33,000
Speaker 1: I haven't app called the vault and you need an

837
00:33:33,041 --> 00:33:35,641
Speaker 1: extra password to get into. But I still, after hearing

838
00:33:35,721 --> 00:33:37,681
Speaker 1: your story, I still get scared to have that vault,

839
00:33:37,721 --> 00:33:39,321
Speaker 1: even though I don't think anyone can actually get into it,

840
00:33:39,321 --> 00:33:41,361
Speaker 1: because it's an extra passord on top of my password.

841
00:33:41,921 --> 00:33:45,281
Speaker 1: But like I remember when I told you you're still like, yeah,

842
00:33:45,281 --> 00:33:47,001
Speaker 1: but that was my own stuff coming up in the moment.

843
00:33:47,041 --> 00:33:48,960
Speaker 1: But it's also to protect because you've seen what can

844
00:33:49,001 --> 00:33:51,801
Speaker 1: happen if the video gets released on I think context

845
00:33:51,841 --> 00:33:52,841
Speaker 1: is important. I don't know.

846
00:33:52,921 --> 00:33:54,801
Speaker 2: There's no right or wrong answer to this, to be honest,

847
00:33:54,801 --> 00:33:57,440
Speaker 2: I think it's personal preference and like just like listen

848
00:33:57,441 --> 00:33:58,081
Speaker 2: to your intuition.

849
00:33:58,281 --> 00:33:59,921
Speaker 1: Would you tell your daughter not to do it? That's

850
00:33:59,961 --> 00:34:02,121
Speaker 1: a better question. Would you tell Tala not to let

851
00:34:02,161 --> 00:34:04,641
Speaker 1: any men film her? Yeah? Probably don't be coached? Tiana, like,

852
00:34:04,641 --> 00:34:07,361
Speaker 1: would you That's not the best idea.

853
00:34:06,921 --> 00:34:08,761
Speaker 2: To be honest, I don't know if this is like

854
00:34:08,921 --> 00:34:11,881
Speaker 2: still my trust issues like coming out, I think, don't

855
00:34:11,881 --> 00:34:12,161
Speaker 2: do it.

856
00:34:12,241 --> 00:34:13,601
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it's not worth it.

857
00:34:13,721 --> 00:34:16,961
Speaker 2: Yes, for five seconds of fun, Yeah, it's not worth

858
00:34:17,081 --> 00:34:19,401
Speaker 2: the repercussions of what it could potentially have on your life.

859
00:34:20,121 --> 00:34:22,601
Speaker 2: Coach Tiana wants to say, like, no one can stop.

860
00:34:22,361 --> 00:34:24,401
Speaker 1: You from live your life. QUI you know, do you know?

861
00:34:24,401 --> 00:34:26,161
Speaker 1: I mean no one? No one can stop you from

862
00:34:26,161 --> 00:34:27,801
Speaker 1: having the experiences you're meant to have. Yeah, do you

863
00:34:27,841 --> 00:34:29,321
Speaker 1: know what I mean? Like no one could have prevented

864
00:34:29,321 --> 00:34:29,841
Speaker 1: me from having that.

865
00:34:29,881 --> 00:34:31,241
Speaker 2: It would have shown up in a different way for me,

866
00:34:31,241 --> 00:34:33,761
Speaker 2: because obviously I was meant to learn that lesson, but like,

867
00:34:33,801 --> 00:34:35,881
Speaker 2: in order to protect you, if I was your friend

868
00:34:35,961 --> 00:34:38,201
Speaker 2: or sitting there and I am sitting here saying like,

869
00:34:38,281 --> 00:34:39,761
Speaker 2: if you have just met the guy, don't fucking let

870
00:34:39,841 --> 00:34:41,921
Speaker 2: him film me. No, Like, don't just don't do it.

871
00:34:42,001 --> 00:34:45,321
Speaker 2: Like if you're new dating, if it's very new, you

872
00:34:45,361 --> 00:34:47,521
Speaker 2: don't feel safe with the person, any part of you is,

873
00:34:47,521 --> 00:34:49,361
Speaker 2: and any little inkling of like, oh this feels like

874
00:34:49,401 --> 00:34:51,801
Speaker 2: a bad idea, Yeah, listen to that. Because I had

875
00:34:51,841 --> 00:34:54,281
Speaker 2: that and I didn't listen to it. I didn't listen

876
00:34:54,281 --> 00:34:54,401
Speaker 2: to it.

877
00:34:54,401 --> 00:34:55,121
Speaker 1: I knew in the moment.

878
00:34:55,161 --> 00:34:56,641
Speaker 2: I was like delete it, and he's like, oh, but

879
00:34:56,681 --> 00:34:58,121
Speaker 2: I just want to keep is just for us? Don't

880
00:34:58,161 --> 00:35:00,081
Speaker 2: you trust me? After two and a half years together?

881
00:35:00,441 --> 00:35:01,921
Speaker 2: And then I felt guilty because I was like, fuck,

882
00:35:01,961 --> 00:35:02,361
Speaker 2: now I'm.

883
00:35:02,201 --> 00:35:05,041
Speaker 1: A bad partner. I should trust him. What will it look.

884
00:35:04,961 --> 00:35:06,561
Speaker 2: Like like for him if he thinks that I don't

885
00:35:06,601 --> 00:35:09,201
Speaker 2: trust him? Yeah, I really think, Like, listen to your

886
00:35:09,241 --> 00:35:12,241
Speaker 2: intuition on this one. Be smart about your decisions. Just

887
00:35:12,361 --> 00:35:14,281
Speaker 2: take a second to think about all the choice you

888
00:35:14,321 --> 00:35:15,001
Speaker 2: are making.

889
00:35:15,241 --> 00:35:16,961
Speaker 1: When you say smart, do you mean like not have

890
00:35:17,041 --> 00:35:18,881
Speaker 1: your head in it. Yeah, don't have your face at

891
00:35:18,921 --> 00:35:20,361
Speaker 1: an angle. Yeah. Absolutely.

892
00:35:20,401 --> 00:35:22,681
Speaker 2: If you're sending photos, don't have your face. If you're

893
00:35:22,721 --> 00:35:25,161
Speaker 2: sending videos or you're doing videos, you're creating videos, yeah,

894
00:35:25,241 --> 00:35:26,201
Speaker 2: just don't have your face in.

895
00:35:26,161 --> 00:35:28,521
Speaker 1: It, or any distinctive tattoos on markings that people could

896
00:35:28,561 --> 00:35:31,201
Speaker 1: recognize you, Like I've got a big tattoo on my hair,

897
00:35:31,361 --> 00:35:32,440
Speaker 1: big identifier. Yeah.

898
00:35:32,481 --> 00:35:35,401
Speaker 2: But also I look straight at the camera. Yes, I

899
00:35:35,441 --> 00:35:36,801
Speaker 2: was looking at the cap, do you know what I mean?

900
00:35:36,841 --> 00:35:38,961
Speaker 2: So it's like, just be smart about your decisions. And

901
00:35:39,241 --> 00:35:42,121
Speaker 2: I'm not trying to push my fear or like my

902
00:35:42,281 --> 00:35:43,161
Speaker 2: self trust or no.

903
00:35:43,161 --> 00:35:45,241
Speaker 1: I just got an honest answer from you. Yeah. Yeah,

904
00:35:45,281 --> 00:35:47,401
Speaker 1: you're not trying to push anything. I just like, intuitively,

905
00:35:47,441 --> 00:35:48,801
Speaker 1: what was the first thing that came up, Like, don't

906
00:35:48,841 --> 00:35:50,480
Speaker 1: do it? Yeah, don't do it. Yeah.

907
00:35:50,721 --> 00:35:53,081
Speaker 2: People aren't as trustworthy as they make it. Yes, that's

908
00:35:53,081 --> 00:35:57,201
Speaker 2: what I truly believe. Like you don't know someone for

909
00:35:57,361 --> 00:35:59,161
Speaker 2: like a while, do you know what I mean? If

910
00:35:59,161 --> 00:36:02,561
Speaker 2: you know, people can pretend you know, and especially when

911
00:36:02,561 --> 00:36:04,281
Speaker 2: a man wants something out of you. Here it is

912
00:36:05,121 --> 00:36:06,961
Speaker 2: man wants something out of you. They're going to say

913
00:36:06,961 --> 00:36:08,321
Speaker 2: all the things, they're going to do, all the things,

914
00:36:08,361 --> 00:36:10,801
Speaker 2: they're going to present the perfect way until they get

915
00:36:10,801 --> 00:36:12,801
Speaker 2: what they want, until you crumble and until they get

916
00:36:12,801 --> 00:36:13,241
Speaker 2: what they want.

917
00:36:13,601 --> 00:36:15,481
Speaker 1: Or say, you're with your partner who you do trust,

918
00:36:15,521 --> 00:36:18,001
Speaker 1: but then you break up and he's angry it's something

919
00:36:18,041 --> 00:36:19,561
Speaker 1: you've done. He's like, oh, I've got these videos. We

920
00:36:19,601 --> 00:36:21,441
Speaker 1: have to get back at you. You just never know absolutely.

921
00:36:21,601 --> 00:36:23,641
Speaker 2: Just if you want to create it, have it on

922
00:36:23,681 --> 00:36:26,241
Speaker 2: your phone, don't have a copy of it if he

923
00:36:26,241 --> 00:36:28,561
Speaker 2: will allow that, because obviously it goes two ways.

924
00:36:28,801 --> 00:36:30,521
Speaker 1: But if you feel more comfortable, have it on your

925
00:36:30,521 --> 00:36:33,681
Speaker 1: own phone if you want to. Yeah, good advice. Delete

926
00:36:33,681 --> 00:36:35,121
Speaker 1: the vault. No different story.

927
00:36:35,121 --> 00:36:38,321
Speaker 2: You've been together for seventeen years, there's some trust, there's

928
00:36:38,361 --> 00:36:40,881
Speaker 2: some trust built there. But if you're like three months

929
00:36:40,881 --> 00:36:42,361
Speaker 2: in and he's like, hey, let me film you. What

930
00:36:42,401 --> 00:36:45,121
Speaker 2: about Max partner? For example, the guy that I was dating, Yes,

931
00:36:45,841 --> 00:36:48,721
Speaker 2: he would push me to send photos. I told him

932
00:36:48,721 --> 00:36:51,521
Speaker 2: this story, right, he knew about this, he knew every detail,

933
00:36:51,681 --> 00:36:54,401
Speaker 2: and he would still push me for photos, for videos,

934
00:36:54,481 --> 00:36:56,321
Speaker 2: for all of the things. And I was like, every

935
00:36:56,361 --> 00:36:58,161
Speaker 2: single time he would do it. I would get triggered.

936
00:36:58,681 --> 00:37:01,361
Speaker 2: I'm like, stop fucking asking me. Yeah, like, actually stop

937
00:37:01,401 --> 00:37:03,241
Speaker 2: asking me, you actually push it, and I would get

938
00:37:03,281 --> 00:37:05,681
Speaker 2: angry to the point of being like, you're fuck disrespect

939
00:37:05,721 --> 00:37:07,481
Speaker 2: in me right now. And it would bring up all

940
00:37:07,561 --> 00:37:09,601
Speaker 2: the feelings of feeling like I'm being pressured to do

941
00:37:09,641 --> 00:37:11,921
Speaker 2: something I don't want just because you want a fund.

942
00:37:11,721 --> 00:37:12,441
Speaker 1: For five seconds.

943
00:37:12,521 --> 00:37:14,561
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm like, so what so you can show your friends?

944
00:37:14,601 --> 00:37:17,001
Speaker 2: Like all yeah, stuff kept coming up of like cool,

945
00:37:17,001 --> 00:37:18,641
Speaker 2: we're gonna go share it around with your buddies and

946
00:37:18,681 --> 00:37:20,081
Speaker 2: send it to each other or what if you know.

947
00:37:20,121 --> 00:37:25,561
Speaker 2: And this guy also was super emotionally erratic, super emotional.

948
00:37:25,201 --> 00:37:27,041
Speaker 1: Trusting because he was so disregulated.

949
00:37:27,081 --> 00:37:29,361
Speaker 2: He was so disregulated and just obviously had his own

950
00:37:29,361 --> 00:37:31,281
Speaker 2: stuff to deal with too. And I was just like,

951
00:37:31,641 --> 00:37:34,361
Speaker 2: the moment we would fight, he would one hundred percent

952
00:37:34,441 --> 00:37:36,401
Speaker 2: be somebody to do something spiteful with it and use

953
00:37:36,441 --> 00:37:38,201
Speaker 2: it against me. If there were many things that he

954
00:37:38,281 --> 00:37:40,241
Speaker 2: tried to use against me whilst we were dating in

955
00:37:40,281 --> 00:37:42,801
Speaker 2: that very short period of time. It's like as if

956
00:37:42,841 --> 00:37:45,081
Speaker 2: I would give you photos of myself or give you

957
00:37:45,121 --> 00:37:47,721
Speaker 2: a video of myself, there's no fucking way. Yeah, excuse

958
00:37:47,761 --> 00:37:49,641
Speaker 2: of swearing, but I feel passionate about it.

959
00:37:49,601 --> 00:37:52,321
Speaker 1: Really valid. Yeah, I think that's really good advice. So

960
00:37:52,521 --> 00:37:53,721
Speaker 1: is it still triggering when they ask?

961
00:37:53,841 --> 00:37:54,121
Speaker 2: Yes?

962
00:37:54,561 --> 00:37:57,121
Speaker 1: Yeah, of course, Yeah, that makes total sense.

963
00:37:57,161 --> 00:37:59,201
Speaker 2: It's just not something that I do, like any relationship

964
00:37:59,241 --> 00:38:01,241
Speaker 2: after that. I don't send photos, I don't send videos,

965
00:38:01,561 --> 00:38:01,921
Speaker 2: none of that.

966
00:38:01,961 --> 00:38:03,361
Speaker 1: I think it's good you've got those boundaries, and I

967
00:38:03,361 --> 00:38:06,481
Speaker 1: think women listening in me exam I've never had that experience,

968
00:38:06,521 --> 00:38:08,721
Speaker 1: so it doesn't feel as heavy, yeah, for me to

969
00:38:08,721 --> 00:38:10,561
Speaker 1: take a video or to take photos and send them

970
00:38:10,561 --> 00:38:13,401
Speaker 1: to Steve, but since knowing you, it does feel heavier now.

971
00:38:13,521 --> 00:38:16,601
Speaker 1: It does make me think, oh, would I be okay? Honestly,

972
00:38:16,601 --> 00:38:18,641
Speaker 1: when I've taken photos of myself to send to Steve,

973
00:38:19,001 --> 00:38:20,441
Speaker 1: I will make sure my head's not in it, and

974
00:38:20,481 --> 00:38:22,721
Speaker 1: I'll think if this was to get out, how would

975
00:38:22,721 --> 00:38:24,481
Speaker 1: I feel? And some of them like, eh, I don't care.

976
00:38:25,441 --> 00:38:28,081
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, that's a little too much. But I

977
00:38:28,121 --> 00:38:30,401
Speaker 1: think about that. That makes me think of whether I

978
00:38:30,401 --> 00:38:32,801
Speaker 1: will actually press send or not. So I think it's

979
00:38:32,841 --> 00:38:35,121
Speaker 1: good for women to hear this, and it's that Yeah,

980
00:38:35,321 --> 00:38:38,681
Speaker 1: conscious thought beforehand. Definitely checking in with yourself and know

981
00:38:38,721 --> 00:38:41,241
Speaker 1: that there is consequences to your actions. There's risks to

982
00:38:41,361 --> 00:38:43,481
Speaker 1: every It's not even that I don't trust Steve. He

983
00:38:43,601 --> 00:38:45,801
Speaker 1: loses shit all the time. Like if you lost your

984
00:38:45,841 --> 00:38:48,401
Speaker 1: phone and some hacker got in there, got into your

985
00:38:48,401 --> 00:38:50,721
Speaker 1: phone and then got into the vault. No goodness ever

986
00:38:50,881 --> 00:38:51,841
Speaker 1: in trouble goodness.

987
00:38:52,001 --> 00:38:53,521
Speaker 2: You know what, I just actually told a little white

988
00:38:53,561 --> 00:38:55,721
Speaker 2: lie before. I haven't not sent a photo after I

989
00:38:55,721 --> 00:38:59,961
Speaker 2: actually sent. I sent photos to my ex partner that

990
00:38:59,961 --> 00:39:03,281
Speaker 2: I was with, but they were more discreeted, definitely, more

991
00:39:03,281 --> 00:39:06,601
Speaker 2: discreet absolutely, but still I still pushed over the boundary

992
00:39:06,601 --> 00:39:08,521
Speaker 2: of what I'm normally comfortable with with him because I

993
00:39:08,561 --> 00:39:10,521
Speaker 2: had more trust for him. Yeah, and I also had

994
00:39:10,561 --> 00:39:11,961
Speaker 2: in my head that we're going to be together for it. Well,

995
00:39:12,081 --> 00:39:14,681
Speaker 2: so I was like, and he was cut out. My

996
00:39:14,721 --> 00:39:16,241
Speaker 2: head was in some of it. Oh okay, And you

997
00:39:16,281 --> 00:39:18,201
Speaker 2: know what the interesting thing is, he fucking pushed it

998
00:39:18,241 --> 00:39:21,121
Speaker 2: back on me. So I said to him one day,

999
00:39:21,121 --> 00:39:23,241
Speaker 2: We're having a conversation about the video and all the things,

1000
00:39:23,281 --> 00:39:24,881
Speaker 2: and I was like, oh no, but I've learned my lesson.

1001
00:39:24,961 --> 00:39:25,641
Speaker 1: He's like, well have you?

1002
00:39:26,161 --> 00:39:27,841
Speaker 2: And I was like, what do you mean You've sent

1003
00:39:27,881 --> 00:39:30,881
Speaker 2: me photos? And I was like, oh wow, how'd that

1004
00:39:30,921 --> 00:39:31,441
Speaker 2: make you feel?

1005
00:39:31,481 --> 00:39:32,281
Speaker 1: So shit? Babe?

1006
00:39:32,481 --> 00:39:34,081
Speaker 2: So shit because I was like angry and I was like,

1007
00:39:34,121 --> 00:39:35,521
Speaker 2: not me, what are you going to do with it?

1008
00:39:35,601 --> 00:39:37,001
Speaker 2: Then it made me scared because I was like, oh

1009
00:39:37,001 --> 00:39:38,161
Speaker 2: my god, I can't trust you with.

1010
00:39:38,121 --> 00:39:42,001
Speaker 1: My things now I askom to delete them? Yes I did. Yeah, Yeah,

1011
00:39:42,321 --> 00:39:46,361
Speaker 1: so scary. Yeah, it's just a good conversation to have though, definitely. Yeah, Well,

1012
00:39:46,361 --> 00:39:49,361
Speaker 1: thank you for being so open to finish this often

1013
00:39:49,401 --> 00:39:52,841
Speaker 1: closed off. This is now eight nine years later since

1014
00:39:52,841 --> 00:39:55,681
Speaker 1: it happened. You're twenty seven. This happened when you're nineteen.

1015
00:39:55,721 --> 00:39:59,081
Speaker 1: I'm really bad at math. Yeah, eight years. I'm like,

1016
00:39:59,201 --> 00:40:02,041
Speaker 1: is that? I'm questioning that in a nutshell? How do

1017
00:40:02,121 --> 00:40:04,401
Speaker 1: you feel about your sexuality? How do you feel about

1018
00:40:04,401 --> 00:40:07,001
Speaker 1: your shame? How do you feel about being intimate with

1019
00:40:07,081 --> 00:40:08,881
Speaker 1: a new partner? Do you think this stuff will arise?

1020
00:40:08,921 --> 00:40:09,001
Speaker 2: Like?

1021
00:40:09,081 --> 00:40:11,401
Speaker 1: Where are you at mentally, emotionally with the connection to

1022
00:40:11,441 --> 00:40:12,321
Speaker 1: your body in pleasure?

1023
00:40:12,601 --> 00:40:15,361
Speaker 2: I feel like the best that I've ever felt in

1024
00:40:15,361 --> 00:40:17,121
Speaker 2: my body and my connection to my pleasure. I feel

1025
00:40:17,161 --> 00:40:18,921
Speaker 2: really proud of myself. This last year I feel like

1026
00:40:18,961 --> 00:40:21,681
Speaker 2: has been a lot about me coming into that sexual

1027
00:40:21,801 --> 00:40:23,681
Speaker 2: energy doing it to giggle.

1028
00:40:24,481 --> 00:40:28,321
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say it's been a lot about my experiences

1029
00:40:28,921 --> 00:40:30,961
Speaker 1: just self pleasure. Oh no, no, no, no, I talk

1030
00:40:31,001 --> 00:40:32,201
Speaker 1: about it. We're like, oh my god, I had the

1031
00:40:32,201 --> 00:40:33,121
Speaker 1: best session last night.

1032
00:40:34,721 --> 00:40:34,921
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1033
00:40:34,961 --> 00:40:37,201
Speaker 1: I love that. We love self pleasures, we do. We

1034
00:40:37,241 --> 00:40:41,161
Speaker 1: love it. We encourage all women to have a self pleasure. Absolutely, hope.

1035
00:40:41,161 --> 00:40:43,201
Speaker 2: But no, it has been a lot about coming home

1036
00:40:43,201 --> 00:40:46,161
Speaker 2: to myself in so beautiful the shortest sentence possible, coming

1037
00:40:46,201 --> 00:40:49,961
Speaker 2: home to myself and feeling safe to receive again, safe

1038
00:40:50,001 --> 00:40:52,561
Speaker 2: to let people in, safe to trust and not just

1039
00:40:52,921 --> 00:40:55,401
Speaker 2: say that I trust, but safe to truly trust. I

1040
00:40:55,401 --> 00:40:57,681
Speaker 2: actually feel, you know, letting go of all those things

1041
00:40:57,681 --> 00:41:00,201
Speaker 2: that I've been holding onto and just knowing that I'm

1042
00:41:00,241 --> 00:41:01,761
Speaker 2: ultimately safe in my own body.

1043
00:41:02,241 --> 00:41:04,401
Speaker 1: Therefore I can then be trusting of other people too.

1044
00:41:04,601 --> 00:41:04,801
Speaker 1: You know.

1045
00:41:05,121 --> 00:41:08,041
Speaker 2: Eventually, when I do have a partner come in, I

1046
00:41:08,081 --> 00:41:09,841
Speaker 2: think that there will still be things that come up,

1047
00:41:10,241 --> 00:41:12,561
Speaker 2: you know, But I think that by the time that happens,

1048
00:41:12,601 --> 00:41:14,121
Speaker 2: you know, and I track somebody, I think that person's

1049
00:41:14,161 --> 00:41:16,001
Speaker 2: going to be able to receive it well, and hopefully

1050
00:41:16,041 --> 00:41:17,881
Speaker 2: they can prove to me and show me as well

1051
00:41:17,921 --> 00:41:19,801
Speaker 2: that they're a safe person for me too, and it

1052
00:41:19,801 --> 00:41:22,361
Speaker 2: will squash and dissolve all of those things. Like even

1053
00:41:22,401 --> 00:41:25,921
Speaker 2: conversations we've had have squashed sexual shame that I've had,

1054
00:41:26,121 --> 00:41:28,081
Speaker 2: and I'm like, oh cool, Like that doesn't even touch

1055
00:41:28,081 --> 00:41:30,121
Speaker 2: the sides for me anymore. You're not even worried about that.

1056
00:41:30,361 --> 00:41:32,521
Speaker 2: So I feel really good in myself. And I just

1057
00:41:32,561 --> 00:41:35,801
Speaker 2: think anyone who has been through this of any way,

1058
00:41:35,881 --> 00:41:40,361
Speaker 2: shape or form, exploited, video, sent scared, somebody held it

1059
00:41:40,361 --> 00:41:42,041
Speaker 2: against you, any of those things, I just want you

1060
00:41:42,081 --> 00:41:44,521
Speaker 2: to remind yourself that, like, it's not actually about those people.

1061
00:41:44,761 --> 00:41:47,081
Speaker 2: What it's showing you is like your relationship with yourself.

1062
00:41:47,161 --> 00:41:49,761
Speaker 2: And I really think it's a beautiful you know, it's

1063
00:41:49,881 --> 00:41:53,761
Speaker 2: fucked up, but a beautiful opportunity for you to reconnect

1064
00:41:53,841 --> 00:41:55,881
Speaker 2: with yourself in the way that your body really needs

1065
00:41:55,881 --> 00:41:57,481
Speaker 2: you to. And if you can look at it from

1066
00:41:57,521 --> 00:41:59,881
Speaker 2: that angle and kind of get the most out of

1067
00:41:59,881 --> 00:42:01,961
Speaker 2: it in that sense, it will be so great for

1068
00:42:02,001 --> 00:42:03,361
Speaker 2: you in the long run that you'll be like, oh

1069
00:42:03,361 --> 00:42:06,841
Speaker 2: my gosh, like I needed this experience, you know, And

1070
00:42:06,881 --> 00:42:08,961
Speaker 2: I think that's the most beautiful thing. I wouldn't have

1071
00:42:09,001 --> 00:42:11,881
Speaker 2: been able to have that experience at ayahuasca opening up

1072
00:42:11,881 --> 00:42:14,881
Speaker 2: my body and like allowing myself to experience pleasure and

1073
00:42:15,241 --> 00:42:17,201
Speaker 2: you know the feeling of the peak of an orgasm

1074
00:42:17,481 --> 00:42:20,601
Speaker 2: and fully feel safe to do so if I hadn't

1075
00:42:20,601 --> 00:42:21,641
Speaker 2: gotten the place that I.

1076
00:42:21,601 --> 00:42:24,081
Speaker 1: Am now a lot of conscious work. Yeah, well done.

1077
00:42:24,121 --> 00:42:28,601
Speaker 1: I'm very proud of you. I'm still angry that it happened. Yes,

1078
00:42:28,721 --> 00:42:32,561
Speaker 1: thank you, Prospectivestie, Yes always, but it was your journey,

1079
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Speaker 1: It is your journey, it will continue your journey, and

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Speaker 1: I'm just really proud of you being so open and

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Speaker 1: vulnerable and sharing a story to help other women. And

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Speaker 1: I also think it will help you as well, just

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Speaker 1: like letting it be seen, you know, and dissolving that

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Speaker 1: shame even more so. Thank you so much. We'll see

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Speaker 1: you guys next week. All right, bad guys,