WEBVTT - Mojo Monday: Understanding Our Impact on Others and What it's Like to Be Around You. 0:00:08.760 --> 0:00:12.560 Hi everybody, Carlie Taylor here for this week's Mojo Monday. 0:00:13.160 --> 0:00:16.200 So last week I focused on the first question of 0:00:16.320 --> 0:00:19.840 the Japanese reflection process called and I Can, which is 0:00:19.880 --> 0:00:24.080 what have I received? So if you missed last week's episode, 0:00:24.160 --> 0:00:26.960 go back and have a listen. I'm also really curious 0:00:27.000 --> 0:00:30.480 to know if anyone has started journaling using the question 0:00:30.560 --> 0:00:33.400 what have I received? And I would love to hear 0:00:33.520 --> 0:00:36.640 from you if you have, so, you could go to 0:00:36.880 --> 0:00:41.600 my website Carlietaylor Coaching dot com, dot aue and just 0:00:41.640 --> 0:00:44.000 fill out the form and it'll come directly to me 0:00:44.800 --> 0:00:48.040 and I will not email you, in fact, not really 0:00:48.080 --> 0:00:52.200 emailing anybody. But if I do decide to send out emails, 0:00:52.280 --> 0:00:54.640 it's up to you whether or not you receive them. 0:00:54.680 --> 0:00:58.279 But I would love to hear your experience. So just 0:00:58.520 --> 0:01:02.240 to recap in case you did miss last week's episode, 0:01:02.360 --> 0:01:06.920 ni CAN is a structured self reflection process and it 0:01:07.080 --> 0:01:11.360 helps us understand ourselves and also what it's like to 0:01:11.440 --> 0:01:15.039 be around us. So you could mix this up with 0:01:15.200 --> 0:01:19.240 your gratitude ritual if you have one. You could include 0:01:19.319 --> 0:01:22.680 ni CAN as part of this process because many people 0:01:23.080 --> 0:01:27.840 experience this very deep sense of gratitude through this practice. 0:01:28.319 --> 0:01:32.959 So there's another word called guy can gaika n which 0:01:33.040 --> 0:01:36.319 means to reflect on others, which is something most of 0:01:36.360 --> 0:01:39.840 us don't need to practice in terms of how others 0:01:39.959 --> 0:01:44.959 might make our lives difficult. So, for example, if you're 0:01:44.959 --> 0:01:48.920 going through a separation or you don't have a good 0:01:48.960 --> 0:01:53.080 relationship with a parent, you probably don't need to practice 0:01:53.080 --> 0:01:55.840 reflecting on all the troubles and difficulties that they are 0:01:55.840 --> 0:02:01.360 causing you, because that comes quite naturally. In contrast to that, 0:02:01.480 --> 0:02:04.600 n can is about reflecting on our selves and the 0:02:04.640 --> 0:02:08.320 troubles and difficulties that we might cause others, and that 0:02:08.440 --> 0:02:11.720 is something many of us don't consider, especially when there's 0:02:11.919 --> 0:02:16.880 intense emotions involved. So what nikan does is it shifts 0:02:16.960 --> 0:02:22.760 our attention away from our self centeredness. And let's be real, 0:02:23.280 --> 0:02:26.400 we can all be very self centered. It is something 0:02:26.400 --> 0:02:31.320 that comes quite naturally to humans and it helps us 0:02:31.400 --> 0:02:35.080 gain this more realistic picture of how we give, receive, 0:02:35.480 --> 0:02:39.440 and interconnect with others. So, just as a bit of background, 0:02:39.520 --> 0:02:41.320 because I don't think I mentioned this last week, it 0:02:41.400 --> 0:02:46.720 was created by Ishan Yoshimoto in the nineteen forties, and 0:02:46.760 --> 0:02:50.320 there are actually numerous nikan centers and retreats in Japan, 0:02:50.520 --> 0:02:54.760 and there's also a few in Europe where people can go. 0:02:55.200 --> 0:02:58.840 It's like a retreat and they can experience intense n 0:02:58.840 --> 0:03:03.280 I can as part of a healing process, especially in relationships. 0:03:04.240 --> 0:03:08.639 It's also been used in mental health counseling. I incorporate 0:03:08.680 --> 0:03:13.520 it in my own practice. It's been used for addiction treatment, 0:03:13.880 --> 0:03:18.840 rehabilitation for prisoners. It's been used in schools and also businesses. 0:03:19.760 --> 0:03:23.920 In fact, Nick Kemp, who's got the Iki Gui Tribe podcast, 0:03:24.000 --> 0:03:27.920 his wife is Japanese and she said when she worked 0:03:27.960 --> 0:03:33.160 in Tokyo that there was a Nikan process that they 0:03:33.200 --> 0:03:37.800 went to as part of their wellness program. So Nikan 0:03:37.920 --> 0:03:40.480 gives us this broader view of reality, which is what 0:03:40.560 --> 0:03:43.080 I mentioned, and that is what's key. So it's not 0:03:43.240 --> 0:03:47.760 about analyzing ourselves or getting entangled up in the emotions 0:03:47.800 --> 0:03:52.640 that show up. It's about stating what is reality. So 0:03:52.800 --> 0:03:56.200 emotions and thoughts might arise during the process, but we 0:03:56.320 --> 0:04:00.280 accept them as part of our human experience. And the 0:04:00.360 --> 0:04:04.040 point is not to feel guilty, although guilty and remorse 0:04:04.120 --> 0:04:08.040 may come up, but it's more to cultivate this sense 0:04:08.040 --> 0:04:10.960 of gratitude for what we've received from others and to 0:04:11.120 --> 0:04:15.880 be become aware of how our behavior affects others. So 0:04:15.920 --> 0:04:18.720 it's almost like a mirror. And Greg Creech talks about this, 0:04:18.920 --> 0:04:22.279 it's this metaphor of a mirror when we look in 0:04:22.320 --> 0:04:26.360 the mirror before we go out, say, without it, we 0:04:26.400 --> 0:04:30.400 can only see a limited part of ourselves. So without 0:04:30.440 --> 0:04:33.720 a mirror, I can only see part of myself, and 0:04:33.800 --> 0:04:37.160 I can is a kind of mirror that helps us 0:04:37.200 --> 0:04:40.919 see what others see and understand what it's like to 0:04:40.960 --> 0:04:44.120 be around us. So how we think we look in 0:04:44.120 --> 0:04:48.120 the world is not the same as how others see us, 0:04:48.960 --> 0:04:51.400 and I can can give us this sense of what 0:04:51.560 --> 0:04:55.440 it's like for other people to be with us, what 0:04:55.600 --> 0:04:59.719 is it like being around me? So it's like putting 0:04:59.720 --> 0:05:04.400 our in others' shoes. And I find personally that the 0:05:04.440 --> 0:05:07.720 more I do this, the more aware I am of 0:05:07.760 --> 0:05:11.720 my own behavior and the support that I receive every day. 0:05:13.000 --> 0:05:16.719 So the three questions, just as a recap are very simple. 0:05:17.720 --> 0:05:19.960 What have I received from others? Which we talked about 0:05:20.040 --> 0:05:22.680 last week, and today we're going to focus on what 0:05:22.760 --> 0:05:26.159 have I given to others and what troubles and difficulties 0:05:26.279 --> 0:05:29.800 have I caused? Others. Let's look at what have I 0:05:29.880 --> 0:05:34.159 given to others? So this question is almost like seeing 0:05:34.160 --> 0:05:37.240 a balance sheet of your life when compared to the 0:05:37.279 --> 0:05:41.719 first question, So how much have you received compared to 0:05:41.800 --> 0:05:45.360 how much you give? And more often than not, I 0:05:45.400 --> 0:05:48.440 find that when I journal these questions from say the 0:05:48.520 --> 0:05:51.560 last twenty four hours, I become very aware that I 0:05:51.600 --> 0:05:54.960 have received a lot more than I have given. And 0:05:55.080 --> 0:05:58.719 I've become quite aware of this sort of unconscious bias 0:05:58.760 --> 0:06:02.680 towards myself, and I find that doing regular and I 0:06:02.760 --> 0:06:06.320 can can help me really catch myself on and then 0:06:06.320 --> 0:06:10.000 I end up doing more for others as sort of 0:06:10.640 --> 0:06:13.800 a result of it. Even small things like, you know, 0:06:13.920 --> 0:06:16.680 like I might make Paul a cup of tea to 0:06:16.760 --> 0:06:20.920 surprise him, or I'll call my dad, or thanking people 0:06:21.360 --> 0:06:24.839 for serving me in a restaurant, which I normally do 0:06:24.960 --> 0:06:28.520 that anyway, but just being very aware of how I'm 0:06:28.600 --> 0:06:32.400 interacting with others, you know. Replying to text messages is 0:06:32.440 --> 0:06:36.119 another thing. You know. Sometimes I tend to not reply 0:06:36.240 --> 0:06:39.440 straight away and I'll go, okay, I'll do that later, 0:06:39.480 --> 0:06:42.800 and then I might forget. So just small things like 0:06:42.880 --> 0:06:46.400 that can really make a difference. And then the final 0:06:46.480 --> 0:06:50.840 question is what troubles and difficulties have I caused others? 0:06:52.000 --> 0:06:55.200 And there are many people that actually don't like this question. 0:06:55.400 --> 0:06:58.359 And I have had quite a few clients who really 0:06:58.400 --> 0:07:01.240 resist it and they don't want to do it. They 0:07:01.279 --> 0:07:05.120 want to leave it out, which is interesting. And I've 0:07:05.200 --> 0:07:09.480 noticed in myself that I often start when I start 0:07:09.520 --> 0:07:13.120 answering this question, I start to justify my actions or 0:07:14.040 --> 0:07:17.840 my mind automatically points out what others have done to me, 0:07:18.040 --> 0:07:20.640 which is kind of that bias, isn't it that our 0:07:20.680 --> 0:07:24.160 mind's to go to. And this is just part of 0:07:24.200 --> 0:07:27.520 the process, and it's when I think we can bring 0:07:27.560 --> 0:07:30.360 in a bit of self compassion as well. As I 0:07:30.400 --> 0:07:35.520 said earlier, this is about reality. So if guilt, remorse, 0:07:35.720 --> 0:07:40.400 or a debate starts about right or wrong, you know 0:07:40.440 --> 0:07:44.520 it's something to observe, but not let it stop you 0:07:44.720 --> 0:07:49.560 from going through this process. This awareness of out impact 0:07:49.640 --> 0:07:54.920 on others can really broaden our view of relationships. So 0:07:55.440 --> 0:07:58.320 let's take the example of a couple who are separating. 0:07:59.600 --> 0:08:02.920 It's very easy to fall into the blame trap, and 0:08:02.960 --> 0:08:07.840 I can doesn't excuse anyone else's behavior, but what it 0:08:07.880 --> 0:08:11.000 does it widens the view of the reality of the 0:08:11.080 --> 0:08:16.120 situation and possibly can create a sense of compassion and 0:08:16.200 --> 0:08:21.680 perspective for the other person. So it doesn't take anything away, 0:08:22.640 --> 0:08:25.680 but it widens the view. And this can be quite 0:08:25.840 --> 0:08:30.080 confronting for people, but it also can be healing. I'll 0:08:30.160 --> 0:08:33.640 give you some examples for me for the last twenty 0:08:33.640 --> 0:08:37.560 four hours. So just notice your reaction to what I'm 0:08:37.600 --> 0:08:42.640 saying and whether you kind of have a judgment of 0:08:42.679 --> 0:08:45.600 what I'm saying. So and remember that the process is 0:08:45.679 --> 0:08:49.000 not asking me how I felt about it. It's just 0:08:49.520 --> 0:08:54.480 stating reality. So here I go. So I interrupted and 0:08:54.520 --> 0:08:57.840 complained to Paul about my sore neck and how tired 0:08:57.880 --> 0:09:01.240 I was when he was trying to work. I told 0:09:01.240 --> 0:09:03.560 Oscar to get off his game when he hadn't finished it, 0:09:03.720 --> 0:09:07.360 so he ended up frustrateds We ran out of dog 0:09:07.400 --> 0:09:09.640 food as I hadn't managed to get to the shop, 0:09:09.720 --> 0:09:11.839 so the dogs had to have a late breakfast. They 0:09:11.880 --> 0:09:14.960 were not happy about that. I kept a man waiting 0:09:15.440 --> 0:09:17.839 when I was at the golf driving range the other 0:09:17.920 --> 0:09:21.280 day as I took my time making my shots, and 0:09:21.320 --> 0:09:23.920 I didn't reply to a text from my friend until 0:09:23.960 --> 0:09:28.160 the next day. So you can see, these are just facts. 0:09:28.200 --> 0:09:31.120 We tend to justify why we do things from our 0:09:31.200 --> 0:09:35.840 perspective without really considering the perspective of others, and it 0:09:35.920 --> 0:09:39.320 opens up our reality. And for me, it helps me 0:09:39.440 --> 0:09:42.840 reflect on my behavior and the choices that I make 0:09:43.520 --> 0:09:47.079 and to not always act based on how I feel 0:09:47.160 --> 0:09:52.040 in that moment. It helps me to tap into more 0:09:52.080 --> 0:09:56.200 compassion and understanding of others, which in many circumstances, in 0:09:56.240 --> 0:10:01.600 many circumstances, is a better compass. So if you want 0:10:01.640 --> 0:10:06.640 to try a NIKM practice or you are currently giving 0:10:06.640 --> 0:10:10.360 it a go, just ensure you put as much detail 0:10:10.440 --> 0:10:13.120 as possible in there. So don't just write something like 0:10:13.280 --> 0:10:15.760 I was nice to my mother in law. Write down 0:10:15.800 --> 0:10:20.720 the detail behind it so it's really meaningful and it 0:10:20.720 --> 0:10:23.560 can really cultivate this deep sense of gratitude as I 0:10:23.600 --> 0:10:26.680 said in Empathy, and I really enjoy looking back on 0:10:26.760 --> 0:10:29.480 my ni cans because I put a lot of detail in. 0:10:29.559 --> 0:10:32.600 It's almost like you are writing a journal. So it's 0:10:32.600 --> 0:10:36.600 a really great way to keep the memories going. So 0:10:36.760 --> 0:10:41.200 thank you for joining me on this week's My Joe Monday. Again. 0:10:41.320 --> 0:10:43.640 If you want to connect with me and let me 0:10:43.720 --> 0:10:45.480 know how you're going with your n cans, I would 0:10:45.520 --> 0:10:48.640 love to hear from you. Paul will be back on 0:10:48.720 --> 0:10:52.400 Wednesday for his wisdom Wednesday, so have a great week 0:10:52.559 --> 0:11:04.000 and I will catch you next Monday.