1 00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:12,560 Speaker 1: Hi everybody, Carlie Taylor here for this week's Mojo Monday. 2 00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:16,200 Speaker 1: So last week I focused on the first question of 3 00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:19,840 Speaker 1: the Japanese reflection process called and I Can, which is 4 00:00:19,880 --> 00:00:24,080 Speaker 1: what have I received? So if you missed last week's episode, 5 00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:26,960 Speaker 1: go back and have a listen. I'm also really curious 6 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:30,480 Speaker 1: to know if anyone has started journaling using the question 7 00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:33,400 Speaker 1: what have I received? And I would love to hear 8 00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:36,640 Speaker 1: from you if you have, so, you could go to 9 00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:41,600 Speaker 1: my website Carlietaylor Coaching dot com, dot aue and just 10 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:44,000 Speaker 1: fill out the form and it'll come directly to me 11 00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:48,040 Speaker 1: and I will not email you, in fact, not really 12 00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:52,200 Speaker 1: emailing anybody. But if I do decide to send out emails, 13 00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:54,640 Speaker 1: it's up to you whether or not you receive them. 14 00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:58,279 Speaker 1: But I would love to hear your experience. So just 15 00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:02,240 Speaker 1: to recap in case you did miss last week's episode, 16 00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:06,920 Speaker 1: ni CAN is a structured self reflection process and it 17 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:11,360 Speaker 1: helps us understand ourselves and also what it's like to 18 00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:15,039 Speaker 1: be around us. So you could mix this up with 19 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:19,240 Speaker 1: your gratitude ritual if you have one. You could include 20 00:01:19,319 --> 00:01:22,680 Speaker 1: ni CAN as part of this process because many people 21 00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:27,840 Speaker 1: experience this very deep sense of gratitude through this practice. 22 00:01:28,319 --> 00:01:32,959 Speaker 1: So there's another word called guy can gaika n which 23 00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:36,319 Speaker 1: means to reflect on others, which is something most of 24 00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:39,840 Speaker 1: us don't need to practice in terms of how others 25 00:01:39,959 --> 00:01:44,959 Speaker 1: might make our lives difficult. So, for example, if you're 26 00:01:44,959 --> 00:01:48,920 Speaker 1: going through a separation or you don't have a good 27 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:53,080 Speaker 1: relationship with a parent, you probably don't need to practice 28 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:55,840 Speaker 1: reflecting on all the troubles and difficulties that they are 29 00:01:55,840 --> 00:02:01,360 Speaker 1: causing you, because that comes quite naturally. In contrast to that, 30 00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:04,600 Speaker 1: n can is about reflecting on our selves and the 31 00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:08,320 Speaker 1: troubles and difficulties that we might cause others, and that 32 00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:11,720 Speaker 1: is something many of us don't consider, especially when there's 33 00:02:11,919 --> 00:02:16,880 Speaker 1: intense emotions involved. So what nikan does is it shifts 34 00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:22,760 Speaker 1: our attention away from our self centeredness. And let's be real, 35 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:26,400 Speaker 1: we can all be very self centered. It is something 36 00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:31,320 Speaker 1: that comes quite naturally to humans and it helps us 37 00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:35,080 Speaker 1: gain this more realistic picture of how we give, receive, 38 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:39,440 Speaker 1: and interconnect with others. So, just as a bit of background, 39 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:41,320 Speaker 1: because I don't think I mentioned this last week, it 40 00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:46,720 Speaker 1: was created by Ishan Yoshimoto in the nineteen forties, and 41 00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:50,320 Speaker 1: there are actually numerous nikan centers and retreats in Japan, 42 00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:54,760 Speaker 1: and there's also a few in Europe where people can go. 43 00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:58,840 Speaker 1: It's like a retreat and they can experience intense n 44 00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:03,280 Speaker 1: I can as part of a healing process, especially in relationships. 45 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:08,639 Speaker 1: It's also been used in mental health counseling. I incorporate 46 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:13,520 Speaker 1: it in my own practice. It's been used for addiction treatment, 47 00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:18,840 Speaker 1: rehabilitation for prisoners. It's been used in schools and also businesses. 48 00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:23,920 Speaker 1: In fact, Nick Kemp, who's got the Iki Gui Tribe podcast, 49 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:27,920 Speaker 1: his wife is Japanese and she said when she worked 50 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:33,160 Speaker 1: in Tokyo that there was a Nikan process that they 51 00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:37,800 Speaker 1: went to as part of their wellness program. So Nikan 52 00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:40,480 Speaker 1: gives us this broader view of reality, which is what 53 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:43,080 Speaker 1: I mentioned, and that is what's key. So it's not 54 00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:47,760 Speaker 1: about analyzing ourselves or getting entangled up in the emotions 55 00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:52,640 Speaker 1: that show up. It's about stating what is reality. So 56 00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:56,200 Speaker 1: emotions and thoughts might arise during the process, but we 57 00:03:56,320 --> 00:04:00,280 Speaker 1: accept them as part of our human experience. And the 58 00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:04,040 Speaker 1: point is not to feel guilty, although guilty and remorse 59 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:08,040 Speaker 1: may come up, but it's more to cultivate this sense 60 00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:10,960 Speaker 1: of gratitude for what we've received from others and to 61 00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:15,880 Speaker 1: be become aware of how our behavior affects others. So 62 00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:18,720 Speaker 1: it's almost like a mirror. And Greg Creech talks about this, 63 00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:22,279 Speaker 1: it's this metaphor of a mirror when we look in 64 00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:26,360 Speaker 1: the mirror before we go out, say, without it, we 65 00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:30,400 Speaker 1: can only see a limited part of ourselves. So without 66 00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:33,720 Speaker 1: a mirror, I can only see part of myself, and 67 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:37,160 Speaker 1: I can is a kind of mirror that helps us 68 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:40,919 Speaker 1: see what others see and understand what it's like to 69 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:44,120 Speaker 1: be around us. So how we think we look in 70 00:04:44,120 --> 00:04:48,120 Speaker 1: the world is not the same as how others see us, 71 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:51,400 Speaker 1: and I can can give us this sense of what 72 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:55,440 Speaker 1: it's like for other people to be with us, what 73 00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:59,719 Speaker 1: is it like being around me? So it's like putting 74 00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:04,400 Speaker 1: our in others' shoes. And I find personally that the 75 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:07,720 Speaker 1: more I do this, the more aware I am of 76 00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:11,720 Speaker 1: my own behavior and the support that I receive every day. 77 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:16,719 Speaker 1: So the three questions, just as a recap are very simple. 78 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:19,960 Speaker 1: What have I received from others? Which we talked about 79 00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:22,680 Speaker 1: last week, and today we're going to focus on what 80 00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:26,159 Speaker 1: have I given to others and what troubles and difficulties 81 00:05:26,279 --> 00:05:29,800 Speaker 1: have I caused? Others. Let's look at what have I 82 00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:34,159 Speaker 1: given to others? So this question is almost like seeing 83 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:37,240 Speaker 1: a balance sheet of your life when compared to the 84 00:05:37,279 --> 00:05:41,719 Speaker 1: first question, So how much have you received compared to 85 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:45,360 Speaker 1: how much you give? And more often than not, I 86 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:48,440 Speaker 1: find that when I journal these questions from say the 87 00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:51,560 Speaker 1: last twenty four hours, I become very aware that I 88 00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:54,960 Speaker 1: have received a lot more than I have given. And 89 00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:58,719 Speaker 1: I've become quite aware of this sort of unconscious bias 90 00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:02,680 Speaker 1: towards myself, and I find that doing regular and I 91 00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:06,320 Speaker 1: can can help me really catch myself on and then 92 00:06:06,320 --> 00:06:10,000 Speaker 1: I end up doing more for others as sort of 93 00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:13,800 Speaker 1: a result of it. Even small things like, you know, 94 00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:16,680 Speaker 1: like I might make Paul a cup of tea to 95 00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:20,920 Speaker 1: surprise him, or I'll call my dad, or thanking people 96 00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:24,839 Speaker 1: for serving me in a restaurant, which I normally do 97 00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:28,520 Speaker 1: that anyway, but just being very aware of how I'm 98 00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:32,400 Speaker 1: interacting with others, you know. Replying to text messages is 99 00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:36,119 Speaker 1: another thing. You know. Sometimes I tend to not reply 100 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:39,440 Speaker 1: straight away and I'll go, okay, I'll do that later, 101 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:42,800 Speaker 1: and then I might forget. So just small things like 102 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:46,400 Speaker 1: that can really make a difference. And then the final 103 00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:50,840 Speaker 1: question is what troubles and difficulties have I caused others? 104 00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:55,200 Speaker 1: And there are many people that actually don't like this question. 105 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:58,359 Speaker 1: And I have had quite a few clients who really 106 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:01,240 Speaker 1: resist it and they don't want to do it. They 107 00:07:01,279 --> 00:07:05,120 Speaker 1: want to leave it out, which is interesting. And I've 108 00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:09,480 Speaker 1: noticed in myself that I often start when I start 109 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:13,120 Speaker 1: answering this question, I start to justify my actions or 110 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:17,840 Speaker 1: my mind automatically points out what others have done to me, 111 00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:20,640 Speaker 1: which is kind of that bias, isn't it that our 112 00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:24,160 Speaker 1: mind's to go to. And this is just part of 113 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:27,520 Speaker 1: the process, and it's when I think we can bring 114 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:30,360 Speaker 1: in a bit of self compassion as well. As I 115 00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:35,520 Speaker 1: said earlier, this is about reality. So if guilt, remorse, 116 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:40,400 Speaker 1: or a debate starts about right or wrong, you know 117 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:44,520 Speaker 1: it's something to observe, but not let it stop you 118 00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:49,560 Speaker 1: from going through this process. This awareness of out impact 119 00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:54,920 Speaker 1: on others can really broaden our view of relationships. So 120 00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:58,320 Speaker 1: let's take the example of a couple who are separating. 121 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:02,920 Speaker 1: It's very easy to fall into the blame trap, and 122 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:07,840 Speaker 1: I can doesn't excuse anyone else's behavior, but what it 123 00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:11,000 Speaker 1: does it widens the view of the reality of the 124 00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:16,120 Speaker 1: situation and possibly can create a sense of compassion and 125 00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:21,680 Speaker 1: perspective for the other person. So it doesn't take anything away, 126 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:25,680 Speaker 1: but it widens the view. And this can be quite 127 00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:30,080 Speaker 1: confronting for people, but it also can be healing. I'll 128 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:33,640 Speaker 1: give you some examples for me for the last twenty 129 00:08:33,640 --> 00:08:37,560 Speaker 1: four hours. So just notice your reaction to what I'm 130 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:42,640 Speaker 1: saying and whether you kind of have a judgment of 131 00:08:42,679 --> 00:08:45,600 Speaker 1: what I'm saying. So and remember that the process is 132 00:08:45,679 --> 00:08:49,000 Speaker 1: not asking me how I felt about it. It's just 133 00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:54,480 Speaker 1: stating reality. So here I go. So I interrupted and 134 00:08:54,520 --> 00:08:57,840 Speaker 1: complained to Paul about my sore neck and how tired 135 00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:01,240 Speaker 1: I was when he was trying to work. I told 136 00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,560 Speaker 1: Oscar to get off his game when he hadn't finished it, 137 00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:07,360 Speaker 1: so he ended up frustrateds We ran out of dog 138 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,640 Speaker 1: food as I hadn't managed to get to the shop, 139 00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:11,839 Speaker 1: so the dogs had to have a late breakfast. They 140 00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:14,960 Speaker 1: were not happy about that. I kept a man waiting 141 00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:17,839 Speaker 1: when I was at the golf driving range the other 142 00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:21,280 Speaker 1: day as I took my time making my shots, and 143 00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:23,920 Speaker 1: I didn't reply to a text from my friend until 144 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:28,160 Speaker 1: the next day. So you can see, these are just facts. 145 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:31,120 Speaker 1: We tend to justify why we do things from our 146 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:35,840 Speaker 1: perspective without really considering the perspective of others, and it 147 00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:39,320 Speaker 1: opens up our reality. And for me, it helps me 148 00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:42,840 Speaker 1: reflect on my behavior and the choices that I make 149 00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:47,079 Speaker 1: and to not always act based on how I feel 150 00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:52,040 Speaker 1: in that moment. It helps me to tap into more 151 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:56,200 Speaker 1: compassion and understanding of others, which in many circumstances, in 152 00:09:56,240 --> 00:10:01,600 Speaker 1: many circumstances, is a better compass. So if you want 153 00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:06,640 Speaker 1: to try a NIKM practice or you are currently giving 154 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:10,360 Speaker 1: it a go, just ensure you put as much detail 155 00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:13,120 Speaker 1: as possible in there. So don't just write something like 156 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:15,760 Speaker 1: I was nice to my mother in law. Write down 157 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:20,720 Speaker 1: the detail behind it so it's really meaningful and it 158 00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:23,560 Speaker 1: can really cultivate this deep sense of gratitude as I 159 00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:26,680 Speaker 1: said in Empathy, and I really enjoy looking back on 160 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:29,480 Speaker 1: my ni cans because I put a lot of detail in. 161 00:10:29,559 --> 00:10:32,600 Speaker 1: It's almost like you are writing a journal. So it's 162 00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:36,600 Speaker 1: a really great way to keep the memories going. So 163 00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:41,200 Speaker 1: thank you for joining me on this week's My Joe Monday. Again. 164 00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:43,640 Speaker 1: If you want to connect with me and let me 165 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:45,480 Speaker 1: know how you're going with your n cans, I would 166 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:48,640 Speaker 1: love to hear from you. Paul will be back on 167 00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:52,400 Speaker 1: Wednesday for his wisdom Wednesday, so have a great week 168 00:10:52,559 --> 00:11:04,000 Speaker 1: and I will catch you next Monday.