Speaker 1: I get am. I hope this finds you well. Welcome
Speaker 1: to another installment of you project, Craig Anthony Harper. Just
Speaker 1: a reminder if you're listening to this week, this week
Speaker 1: being well, it's the fourteenth of August. As I record,
Speaker 1: I'm going to be in Bendigo this weekend. I'm going
Speaker 1: to be in Bendigo this week and doing my workshop,
Speaker 1: my new workshop which is called Understanding You. If you
Speaker 1: live anywhere near Bendigo and you're interested, go to my
Speaker 1: website Craig Arba dot net. Go to education, have a
Speaker 1: look and you can find out more about that. I'd
Speaker 1: love to see you there. Right So today, as is
Speaker 1: often the way, and I say this too much, but
Speaker 1: it happens to be true, I'm talking about something that
Speaker 1: I spoke about with somebody this morning, and that is
Speaker 1: the idea of doing the hard thing, the slow thing,
Speaker 1: the inconvenient thing, the thing that's not quick, easy or painless,
Speaker 1: and moreover, ladies and gentlemen, more over, the idea of
Speaker 1: delaying gratification, not doing the thing in the moment that
Speaker 1: might give us an instant hit of dopamine or pleasure,
Speaker 1: but rather having an awareness, a greater awareness of the
Speaker 1: bigger picture and being able to make a decision in
Speaker 1: the moment which might make all of our subsequent moments
Speaker 1: better or potentially better, because we are resisting something that
Speaker 1: might give us a modocoum of joy or euphoraur or
Speaker 1: dopamine in the moment. But by doing that constantly, which
Speaker 1: many of us do, hitting the quick fix button or
Speaker 1: hitting that dopamine button, it kind of fucks us up
Speaker 1: over the long term, and in our fast paced world
Speaker 1: where instant access to everything is at our fingertips, it's
Speaker 1: just to click away. The idea of delaying gratification can
Speaker 1: seem old fashioned, I guess, an outdated and maybe sometimes
Speaker 1: even counterintuitive, but for me personally and with the people
Speaker 1: that I've worked with over the years, it's proven to
Speaker 1: be that while, of course we can have our moments
Speaker 1: of pleasure and fun, and we need to an extent
Speaker 1: live in the moment, but we also need to have
Speaker 1: an awareness of our life moving forward and what our
Speaker 1: life might look like moving forward, the quality of our life,
Speaker 1: our health, our relationships, our career, our experiences, our mental
Speaker 1: and emotional well being. It's good for us to have
Speaker 1: an eye on that, or an awareness of that moving forward,
Speaker 1: so that in this moment when I'm about to do
Speaker 1: this thing or say this thing, or make this decision,
Speaker 1: or eat this thing, or drink this thing, or buy
Speaker 1: this thing, or react this way, that I'm realizing that
Speaker 1: even though it might feel good or it might feel
Speaker 1: right in the moment, in the context of my life,
Speaker 1: it could be somewhat destructive. It could be toxic, it
Speaker 1: could be a negative. And you and I live in
Speaker 1: a culture that really celebrates you know, the now, the
Speaker 1: quick wins, the fast food, the magic pills, the quick fixes,
Speaker 1: the two minute abbs, the instant results of which I've
Speaker 1: spoken about many times. But we know that when it
Speaker 1: comes to building a better life, whatever that means, like
Speaker 1: whatever a better life means to you, so health, career, lifestyle,
Speaker 1: the kind of results that you're producing in your world,
Speaker 1: your energy levels, your relationships, or I guess, broadly speaking,
Speaker 1: that internal state, like I've said a lot of times,
Speaker 1: like where life happens is external, but where living happens
Speaker 1: is internal. And so what is the impact. I'm thinking
Speaker 1: about this as I go. So if it's a little
Speaker 1: bit lumpy and bumpy today, please excuse me. This is
Speaker 1: not scripted or particularly planned other than the theme. So
Speaker 1: I'm as I do always with these solo ones. This
Speaker 1: is intuitive, instinctive, and organic. So if it ain't the
Speaker 1: most polished brothers and sisters, I apologize, But just the
Speaker 1: I guess, having the awareness of in the moment, what
Speaker 1: might be the consequence, good or bad, of this thing
Speaker 1: that I'm going to do. And for somebody who spent
Speaker 1: a lot of his life really struggling with food, like
Speaker 1: for me, food was my drug, Food was my addiction.
Speaker 1: Food was my not only my physiological barrier, but also
Speaker 1: my mental and emotional barrier. Because I would I would
Speaker 1: in the moment medicate myself with food. I would numb
Speaker 1: myself with food. I would I would drag myself out
Speaker 1: of some kind of pain temporarily with food because I
Speaker 1: just shoved this whatever it is that I didn't need
Speaker 1: my body didn't actually need it. I just wanted it.
Speaker 1: I'd shove it in and then I'd momentarily feel good.
Speaker 1: I would make an in the moment, instant gratification driven decision,
Speaker 1: and literally fifteen minutes later, I would hate myself. I
Speaker 1: would feel regretful, I would be disappointed in me. I
Speaker 1: would be frustrated, I would be ashamed, and I did that,
Speaker 1: or I did a version of that. For years, I
Speaker 1: was constantly trapped in this cycle of pushing the dopamine button.
Speaker 1: And all that did for me was that made me
Speaker 1: less functional, less happy, less resilient, less capable, less adaptable
Speaker 1: over the long term. And so the process or the
Speaker 1: practice of delaying gratification, it's not just potentially transformational, but
Speaker 1: it's just a really good, important and powerful idea, I
Speaker 1: guess process path to take. And that doesn't mean, of course,
Speaker 1: like I said before, that we're not going to have
Speaker 1: fun and silliness and we're not going to have a
Speaker 1: piece of cake ever, or we're not going to we're
Speaker 1: not going to press that button, that dopamine button at times.
Speaker 1: Of course, I press the dopamine button every time I
Speaker 1: choose to ride one of my motorbikes instead of drawing
Speaker 1: driving my boring fucking car, you know. But that's that's
Speaker 1: not what we're talking about. We're not talking about the
Speaker 1: exclusion of joy from our life. But we're talking about
Speaker 1: decisions in the moment, actions, reactions in the moment that
Speaker 1: might be setting us up for pain over the long term.
Speaker 1: So delaying gratification. I guess it means being able to
Speaker 1: resist the temptation of something immediate, an immediate reward with
Speaker 1: that mental, emotional, psychological, or physiological I should say, in
Speaker 1: favor of something that's bigger and perhaps more enduring in
Speaker 1: the future. So it's the ability to say no to
Speaker 1: the easy choice now, so that you can say yes
Speaker 1: to something that is far more rewarding, fulfeeling, meaningful, empowering,
Speaker 1: and enduring over the long term. Like and I truly
Speaker 1: think that this ability is it an ability, this traits,
Speaker 1: this practice is the cornerstone of personal growth and success.
Speaker 1: I've not met one person who has been what I
Speaker 1: would call And when I say success, I'm not talking
Speaker 1: about financially necessarily. It could be in any realm. It
Speaker 1: could just be that someone that's genuinely fulfilled and happy
Speaker 1: and calm. You know, that's depending on your value system.
Speaker 1: For me, I value that kind of internal, spiritual, emotional, psychological,
Speaker 1: sociological wealth. I hold that personally higher regard than money.
Speaker 1: Money is good. I don't hate money. I'm not mad
Speaker 1: at money. I get paid money. But for me, money
Speaker 1: is a practical resource that I use to do stuff
Speaker 1: and I've made buck all money at times, and I've
Speaker 1: made lots of money at times, and I can personally anyway,
Speaker 1: I can tell you that for me, when I was
Speaker 1: making ten times the money, I didn't have ten times
Speaker 1: the happiness. That's my experience. Doesn't mean it would be yours,
Speaker 1: but that's my experience. So for me, the relentless pursuit
Speaker 1: of money is a dumb pursuit. It's factored into my
Speaker 1: life moving forward more on a practical and experiential level,
Speaker 1: you know, getting bills paid, being able to do things,
Speaker 1: being able to serve others, being able to look after
Speaker 1: my parents, all that stuff. But the idea of being
Speaker 1: hell bent on making more and more money at all
Speaker 1: costs for me, that kind of that's not a big driver.
Speaker 1: That's not a big driver. So let's think about the
Speaker 1: pursuit of, say, better health. I mean, this is a
Speaker 1: no brainer because everybody wants that. So we know that
Speaker 1: in the moment, it's far easier to reach for the
Speaker 1: thing that we don't need, whatever that is for you,
Speaker 1: than it is for a healthy option and that immediate
Speaker 1: kind of pleasure, that immediate kind of hit or fix,
Speaker 1: satisfying that craving or that urge is understandable. And I
Speaker 1: actually think every now and then, I don't think that's
Speaker 1: a deal breaker. I don't think, but I think the
Speaker 1: decision to delay that consistently so to for example, choosing
Speaker 1: to go for a run, or choosing a nutritious meal,
Speaker 1: or choosing to have some water instead of some booze,
Speaker 1: or choosing to have a different having one glass instead
Speaker 1: of five glass. Perhaps, but this not only does this
Speaker 1: hey dividends over time, but it changes us. It changes
Speaker 1: us so that we become we become better at making decisions,
Speaker 1: right decisions, and choosing the right path and taking the
Speaker 1: right action and reacting the right way. And when I
Speaker 1: say the right way, I mean the right way for you,
Speaker 1: the right way for you. And we go, well, what's
Speaker 1: the right way for you? What does that mean, Craig?
Speaker 1: How do I know what's the right way? Here's how
Speaker 1: you know. If you are if you are making a decision,
Speaker 1: if you are taking an action, if you are responding
Speaker 1: a certain way, and that response or that action or
Speaker 1: that choice aligns with your values, how you want to be,
Speaker 1: who you want to be, what is important to you,
Speaker 1: then that is the right choice. Then that is the
Speaker 1: best choice that is the best action, that is the
Speaker 1: best reaction, and the same thing. You know, it applies
Speaker 1: across the board, like with lifestyle, the kind of life
Speaker 1: that you want to build, you want to you want
Speaker 1: to buy a home, or you want to dream holiday,
Speaker 1: or you want financial independence. You know, the temptation to
Speaker 1: short term, to spend on short term pleasures like to
Speaker 1: buy the gadget that we don't need one hundred inch TV,
Speaker 1: or the spontaneous shopping spree, or the eating out seven
Speaker 1: nights a week because it gives us a level of
Speaker 1: instant gratification. Again, sometimes these are things that we need
Speaker 1: to go Is this what I should be doing to
Speaker 1: set myself? What do I want my life to look
Speaker 1: like in five, ten, fifteen, twenty years? What do I want?
Speaker 1: What is the best version of me? What is the
Speaker 1: best version of my health? What is the best version?
Speaker 1: If I think of my optimal lifestyle or my optimal
Speaker 1: living situation, or my optimal career, and I think about
Speaker 1: how that might eventuate or unfold or grow, how I
Speaker 1: might create that over the next one, two, five, ten,
Speaker 1: fifteen twenty years, I think about my life moving forward,
Speaker 1: and then I come back to the micro of now
Speaker 1: then I come back to today, to this moment. And
Speaker 1: obviously whether or not I choose a beer or a
Speaker 1: water in this moment is not in and of itself transformational.
Speaker 1: But when we put all of those moments together, of
Speaker 1: delaying gratification or denying gratification, or choosing the narrow path
Speaker 1: not the wide path. When we put all those in
Speaker 1: the moment moments together, the collection of those, that becomes
Speaker 1: our superpower. That becomes the way that you and I
Speaker 1: build an operating system that aligns with who and how
Speaker 1: we want to be over the long term. And it's tough.
Speaker 1: You know, it's tough because when we and I say
Speaker 1: it's tough, plainly because I want to be honest. You know,
Speaker 1: I don't want to tell you it's quick, easy, fun
Speaker 1: and painless, as you've heard me say, because it ain't.
Speaker 1: It ain't like. Quite often, the thing that you need
Speaker 1: to do to build your best body, build your best life,
Speaker 1: build your best marriage, build your best brand. You know,
Speaker 1: do your PhD, do your undergrad degree, write that book,
Speaker 1: overcome that addiction, repair that relationship, whatever it is, whatever
Speaker 1: it is that you need to do. Quite often, the
Speaker 1: thing that is easy in the short term is destructive
Speaker 1: over the long term. And quite often the thing that
Speaker 1: you would much prefer to do today is not the
Speaker 1: best thing. I'll say that again. Quite often, the thing
Speaker 1: that you would prefer to do today, it might make
Speaker 1: today a bit easier, but it's going to make moving
Speaker 1: forward a bit harder. And so the question is based
Speaker 1: on who I want to be, how I want to be,
Speaker 1: how I want the macro of my life to play out.
Speaker 1: What do I need to do in the micro of
Speaker 1: this minute when I hold up the values and the
Speaker 1: aspirations and the goals and the intentions and the dream
Speaker 1: and the story of my future, that is the macro
Speaker 1: of my life? What do I need to do now
Speaker 1: in this moment, in this moment when no one's looking,
Speaker 1: in this moment, when no one's cheering. And this is
Speaker 1: another thing. With all of this, we need to get
Speaker 1: to the point, I believe, let me preface it with that,
Speaker 1: I believe we need to get to the point where
Speaker 1: we are doing the right things in the micro, in
Speaker 1: the moment, in the day to day minutia of our existence.
Speaker 1: We're making the hard decisions and doing the hard things
Speaker 1: and resisting and avoiding the instant gratification without any need,
Speaker 1: without any need for in the moment reward, without any
Speaker 1: need for validation or approval or recognition. And one of
Speaker 1: the problems is that's another instant gratification thing. We love
Speaker 1: everyone to tell us how fucking amazing we are for
Speaker 1: eating a salad, for going for a walk, for showing up,
Speaker 1: for just doing the right thing. We somehow revert to
Speaker 1: this child life like mindset that I need people to
Speaker 1: tell me I'm amazing every time I do something that,
Speaker 1: by the way, is not fucking amazing. You eating a
Speaker 1: salad isn't amazing. You going for a walk isn't amazing.
Speaker 1: You do not need a gold medal for that. You
Speaker 1: do not need a round of applause, You do not
Speaker 1: need other people to watch. You do not need any
Speaker 1: kind of validation. And if you think that you do,
Speaker 1: the problem is in your thinking. If your story is
Speaker 1: I need someone to tell me this to acknowledge that that,
Speaker 1: then that ain't. The problem is not that that's lacking.
Speaker 1: The problem is the story. We need to always check
Speaker 1: ourselves because we're always telling ourselves a story about what
Speaker 1: is and what isn't, and quite often the story that
Speaker 1: we're telling is the problem, and it's in I guess,
Speaker 1: it's in the practicing of you know, restraint, I guess,
Speaker 1: for want of a better term, delaying, denying, avoiding those immediate,
Speaker 1: sometimes overwhelming desires. And by the way, it's hard, it's
Speaker 1: hard as fuck. I get it. I get it, you know.
Speaker 1: And sometimes like that desire, that overwhelming desire for me
Speaker 1: that still exists in various forms that might not be
Speaker 1: so much in food, but sometimes it's in my ego
Speaker 1: where I want to say something that I know is
Speaker 1: going to impress someone, or I know that is going
Speaker 1: to get me some kind of accolades, and in the moment,
Speaker 1: in the moment, I realize what I'm about to do
Speaker 1: or what I'm thinking about doing, and it's just putting
Speaker 1: the brakes on that in the moment and just shutting
Speaker 1: the fuck up and pulling my ego back into check
Speaker 1: and saying, this is not me, this thing that I
Speaker 1: want to say or do, this doesn't align with who
Speaker 1: I want to be. And how do I want to
Speaker 1: be humble? Do I want to be self aware? Do
Speaker 1: I want to have a purpose bigger than me? Yes?
Speaker 1: I want all of that, but I really want that
Speaker 1: so right now, ego, pull your head in Right now,
Speaker 1: I'm going to I'm going to choose the narrow path
Speaker 1: right now. I'm going to deny that impulse that I
Speaker 1: have for recognition, for approval, because yes I'm still insecure,
Speaker 1: and yes I still want all of those things, but
Speaker 1: me chasing that shit, it doesn't help anyone else, and
Speaker 1: it definitely doesn't help me. And what we do. Quite
Speaker 1: often when we become that person that is in constant
Speaker 1: need of approval and attention and reward and accolade, we've
Speaker 1: then just created a new addiction because I can't do
Speaker 1: anything positive unless there's a round of applause or a trophy.
Speaker 1: And while it's great to have people that care about
Speaker 1: us and support us, it is completely unhealthy to be
Speaker 1: paralyzed or incapable of moving forward or doing anything positive
Speaker 1: unless we have the attention of someone else. So I
Speaker 1: guess delaying gratification is not It's not about denying ourselves
Speaker 1: the pleasure of living a life or denial and deprivation.
Speaker 1: It's not about misery, it's not about in fact, it's
Speaker 1: the opposite. It's about creating a life that is more rewarding,
Speaker 1: more fulfilling, more joyous, and also in the middle of
Speaker 1: creating that life, it's about creating a version of us
Speaker 1: so that we don't need or we don't need, that
Speaker 1: instant gratification, whatever that might look like. It's about making
Speaker 1: conscious choices that in the moment might be hard, but
Speaker 1: conscious choices that in the moment align with our deeper
Speaker 1: values and our longer term goals. It's about recognizing that
Speaker 1: the easy path is rarely the rewarding path, and that
Speaker 1: true success, health, happiness, fulfillment, growth require patience and perseverance
Speaker 1: and a willingness to forego the immediate pleasure of something
Speaker 1: for the sake of something greater in the macro of
Speaker 1: our existence. You know, the ability to delay and deny
Speaker 1: gratification is a muscle that can be strengthened. But it's
Speaker 1: like anything else. We need to go to the gym.
Speaker 1: We need to go to the delaying gratification gym so
Speaker 1: that the next time we do it it's a bit easier,
Speaker 1: and it's a bit easier, and it's a bit easier.
Speaker 1: Each time we choose to wait, each time we choose
Speaker 1: to deny that impulse or resist that impulse, or each
Speaker 1: time we choose to prioritize our future over our in
Speaker 1: the moment, right, we build that muscle, and over time,
Speaker 1: these small and repetitious and consistent acts of self control
Speaker 1: they accumulate, they build that muscle, They build, they pertrophy
Speaker 1: that that delaying gratification muscle. They turn us into a
Speaker 1: version of ourselves that can now consistently make or more
Speaker 1: consistently perhaps the kind of decisions and embrace the kind
Speaker 1: of behaviors that lead to that profound transformation. They shape
Speaker 1: our character, they shape our habits, our day to day
Speaker 1: operating system, and ultimately they shape what our life will look, feel,
Speaker 1: and function like. And us in the middle of it,
Speaker 1: you know, and I guess in a world that is
Speaker 1: always pushing you and me, you know, through marketing, through media,
Speaker 1: through various forms of advertising, through peer pressure, through you know,
Speaker 1: we're always being urged to take the quick and easy route.
Speaker 1: And in the middle of all of that, the practice
Speaker 1: of delaying gratification is a it's a somewhat radical act,
Speaker 1: like it's really it's a choice to live with intention
Speaker 1: and self control and awareness and some other very unsexy
Speaker 1: things like discipline, and to prioritize the long term us,
Speaker 1: the long term growth, the long term fulfillment, the long
Speaker 1: term calm, the long term success over the short term whatever,
Speaker 1: and to invest in a future that holds the promise
Speaker 1: of something truly worthwhile. And I believe it's in the
Speaker 1: mastering of this practice, this trait, this habit, whatever you
Speaker 1: want to call it, that we can unlock a power
Speaker 1: create a life that's not just good in the moment,
Speaker 1: but amazing over the long haul.