WEBVTT - You Might Be The Reason You're Single 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:02.880 I record this podcast on Gaetigul Country. I'd like to 0:00:02.880 --> 0:00:04.800 pay my respect to the traditional. 0:00:04.400 --> 0:00:07.560 Custodians and I'm recording on Urando Country, part of the 0:00:07.600 --> 0:00:09.240 cooler Nation. Let's go. 0:00:11.000 --> 0:00:15.360 I know you're gonna dig this. It's like I've been 0:00:15.400 --> 0:00:19.279 given like an extra sprinkle of something. 0:00:19.400 --> 0:00:22.600 You've got layers, Yeah, I got layers. I was just thinking, 0:00:22.640 --> 0:00:25.480 I'm like, we're just such beautiful storytellers. 0:00:25.880 --> 0:00:29.560 You're making a lot of sense to that girl. No, 0:00:30.000 --> 0:00:30.480 I'm done. 0:00:30.880 --> 0:00:36.159 Let's I've been too honest to go. It's Valentine's this 0:00:36.240 --> 0:00:39.159 week and we've got a really exciting episode. Today. We've 0:00:39.200 --> 0:00:44.200 got a special guest called Trudy Gilbert. She's Australia's millionaire matchmaker. 0:00:45.280 --> 0:00:49.839 As someone who's been very single and struggled with relationships 0:00:49.880 --> 0:00:54.040 the last three years my own fault. I'm really excited 0:00:54.040 --> 0:00:56.560 about this episode. I'm really feeling the love this year 0:00:56.560 --> 0:01:00.720 in Valentine's Day as previous episodes not so much. So 0:01:00.880 --> 0:01:04.320 I'm really excited, Maddie, welcome Truty so much. 0:01:04.680 --> 0:01:07.600 H wow, I'm truly I mean Brook, you just mentioned 0:01:07.640 --> 0:01:10.479 you are alone. Maybe you are the reason you are alone. 0:01:10.640 --> 0:01:12.720 Thank you, thank you. That was very smooth, by the way. 0:01:13.400 --> 0:01:16.280 I love a segue. But welcome to first things First, 0:01:16.280 --> 0:01:18.319 it's such an honor to have you in studio. We 0:01:18.440 --> 0:01:21.080 have a million and one questions for you, but let's 0:01:21.160 --> 0:01:23.440 kick off with the book You Are the Reason You 0:01:23.480 --> 0:01:24.000 Are Alone. 0:01:24.120 --> 0:01:26.679 It is that touching itself. Wow. 0:01:26.760 --> 0:01:29.640 Yeah, it could be polarizing, but also an eye catcher. 0:01:29.880 --> 0:01:31.600 Yes, very clive right now. 0:01:31.880 --> 0:01:34.240 Yeah, Look, the book is really confronting, and I wanted 0:01:34.280 --> 0:01:36.960 it to be that way. There's a method behind the madness. 0:01:37.000 --> 0:01:40.520 So over the last twenty years, I've been introducing singles 0:01:40.760 --> 0:01:43.120 and when I speak to people, there seems to be 0:01:43.200 --> 0:01:46.800 this common belief that love is this magical, mystical thing 0:01:46.800 --> 0:01:49.480 that will just happen to you, that you'll walk around 0:01:49.520 --> 0:01:52.800 the corner, you'll bump into the one, you'll live happily 0:01:52.840 --> 0:01:55.960 ever after, and everything will be fine. But things couldn't 0:01:56.000 --> 0:01:59.040 be further from the truth. So, you know, in today's 0:01:59.080 --> 0:02:03.480 modern dating culture are fueled by dating apps, the immediacy 0:02:03.520 --> 0:02:06.720 of social media, the instant gratification that we face on 0:02:07.200 --> 0:02:12.000 websites like Amazon and Timu. We're being conditioned to feel 0:02:12.040 --> 0:02:16.640 that love should be immediate and effortless, and it's really dangerous. 0:02:16.680 --> 0:02:18.959 You know, we have this mindset of like, well, if 0:02:18.960 --> 0:02:22.720 something doesn't work immediately, then it must be wrong. And 0:02:22.760 --> 0:02:25.920 this is so dangerous because it's making people feel stuck. 0:02:26.680 --> 0:02:29.480 And look, it's convenient, isn't it. It's convenient to think 0:02:29.520 --> 0:02:31.640 that love is this thing that's out of your control, 0:02:31.680 --> 0:02:33.840 that's out of your hands, so that you feel that 0:02:33.919 --> 0:02:37.280 you can absolve yourself from any kind of responsibility to it. 0:02:37.600 --> 0:02:40.639 You know, it's easy to blame things like, oh, I've 0:02:40.680 --> 0:02:43.440 had bad luck, or I focused on my career, or 0:02:43.720 --> 0:02:45.760 it's just been bad timing, whatever it is that you 0:02:45.760 --> 0:02:48.160 want to tell yourself as to why you haven't found 0:02:48.160 --> 0:02:51.519 that person, But you're avoiding the reality and the truth, 0:02:51.560 --> 0:02:54.040 which is you are the common denominator in all of 0:02:54.040 --> 0:02:58.680 those experiences, and so why haven't things worked? And I 0:02:58.720 --> 0:03:01.519 wrote this book as a wake up call to kind 0:03:01.520 --> 0:03:04.800 of tell people, listen, don't live in a fantasy. Don't 0:03:04.840 --> 0:03:07.640 live in this Hollywood Disney movie where you think that 0:03:07.720 --> 0:03:10.080 things are just gonna happen for you. You can take 0:03:10.120 --> 0:03:12.440 ownership of your love life. You can make it happen. 0:03:12.480 --> 0:03:14.880 There are things that you can do to fast track 0:03:14.919 --> 0:03:21.400 the process. And when people start taking responsibility, stop blaming circumstances. 0:03:21.400 --> 0:03:24.359 That's when real change can happen. So my book has 0:03:24.400 --> 0:03:28.440 these proven practical strategies about how to shift your mindset, 0:03:28.639 --> 0:03:32.600 how to take action and find love because happiness in 0:03:32.639 --> 0:03:35.560 love isn't something that just falls into your lap. You 0:03:35.600 --> 0:03:38.520 can create it and it's easier than you think once 0:03:38.600 --> 0:03:42.880 you take the first step to actually embrace responsibility and 0:03:43.000 --> 0:03:44.160 your part in the process. 0:03:44.440 --> 0:03:44.680 Yeah. 0:03:44.840 --> 0:03:48.360 Wow, I love that. You're a straight shooter. You're like, 0:03:48.440 --> 0:03:50.640 you know what, you have to look at yourself. You're 0:03:50.640 --> 0:03:53.680 a common denominator in all of these I suppose failed 0:03:53.720 --> 0:03:56.839 attempts at love. What is it about yourself? I think 0:03:56.880 --> 0:03:59.880 that's a such an eye open up for people in relationships. 0:04:00.040 --> 0:04:03.240 People's looking for love because I think you're right. These 0:04:03.320 --> 0:04:05.680 days people just give up quickly. They just go, you 0:04:05.720 --> 0:04:08.600 know what, that didn't match my puzzle perfectly, that piece, 0:04:08.800 --> 0:04:10.000 and so I'm going to chuck you in the bin. 0:04:10.160 --> 0:04:11.280 I'm going to look for another one. 0:04:11.440 --> 0:04:12.600 I'm exhibit A of that. 0:04:12.800 --> 0:04:14.240 And I wasn't going to say anything. 0:04:14.400 --> 0:04:16.880 No, I am very guilty of this truty. I've been 0:04:16.920 --> 0:04:19.240 on those love reality TV shows. I live in that 0:04:19.320 --> 0:04:22.080 fucking fantasy and it had been for a very long time, 0:04:22.160 --> 0:04:26.800 because I guess I am one that, you know, just 0:04:26.880 --> 0:04:31.120 kind of manifested or you know, use these fake things 0:04:31.160 --> 0:04:33.039 on TV what I saw or what it should look like, 0:04:33.080 --> 0:04:35.200 because I didn't know what love was like at home. 0:04:35.279 --> 0:04:38.520 Maybe I'm not too sure. I haven't really psychoanalyzed myself 0:04:38.520 --> 0:04:41.360 in that sense, but I have realized that the love 0:04:41.360 --> 0:04:43.440 that I have with my dad is unconditional, and that's 0:04:43.520 --> 0:04:46.000 kind of the love that I will hope that one 0:04:46.040 --> 0:04:49.480 day that I'll have. But I'm guilty of this. Maddie knows. 0:04:49.520 --> 0:04:53.279 This is that if someone does something that I just 0:04:53.320 --> 0:04:57.560 don't feel like it's doesn't really fit, I don't want 0:04:57.600 --> 0:04:59.839 to have to, like guess like train them, and I 0:05:00.200 --> 0:05:02.520 kind of be a little bit dismissive. And I know 0:05:02.640 --> 0:05:05.240 that I'm like, I need to work on that. 0:05:05.680 --> 0:05:07.280 Yeah, you exit quickly, I. 0:05:07.320 --> 0:05:09.720 Do, Okay, So there's a lot of things that I 0:05:09.800 --> 0:05:13.320 want to address there. First of all, the system is broken, 0:05:13.600 --> 0:05:18.240 so it's not your fault for dismissing relationships really quickly. 0:05:18.640 --> 0:05:20.560 As I said before, we have this mindset that, well, 0:05:20.600 --> 0:05:22.520 if it's not great, you know, I'll just go back 0:05:22.560 --> 0:05:24.279 to the apps and see who else is out there. 0:05:24.440 --> 0:05:27.599 There's this concept of an endless sea of suitors. You know, 0:05:27.640 --> 0:05:29.040 you go on a date, it was nice, but it 0:05:29.080 --> 0:05:31.080 didn't rock your world. Oh let me go see who 0:05:31.120 --> 0:05:34.000 else is there, because there might be someone better. This 0:05:34.120 --> 0:05:38.200 disposable dating mindset is really dangerous because it takes time 0:05:38.560 --> 0:05:41.080 to fall in love. Twenty years ago, thirty years ago. 0:05:41.279 --> 0:05:43.480 You know, you would meet people at university, you would 0:05:43.480 --> 0:05:45.960 hang out, friendships would develop, and then you would fall 0:05:46.000 --> 0:05:49.359 in love. You know, that's a really great path for 0:05:49.560 --> 0:05:52.479 a relationship to develop, not this instant way of assessing 0:05:52.560 --> 0:05:54.960 people going out on a date, having a long checklist, 0:05:55.000 --> 0:05:57.520 going oh, would you match me? You know. It's like 0:05:57.600 --> 0:05:59.599 people are in such a rush to get from the 0:05:59.680 --> 0:06:03.200 dating phase to the relationship phase, and they want without 0:06:03.200 --> 0:06:06.080 getting to taking the time. Because people are so judgmental, 0:06:06.320 --> 0:06:10.400 the apps force us to make these snap judgments based 0:06:10.440 --> 0:06:14.480 on very little information. It's an addiction that the dating 0:06:14.520 --> 0:06:17.080 apps are just like a poker machine. They get a dopamine. 0:06:17.320 --> 0:06:19.120 Every time you get a swipe, you go back to 0:06:19.120 --> 0:06:21.080 see if you can get another one, and at the 0:06:21.160 --> 0:06:23.719 end of the day you end up feeling empty because 0:06:23.760 --> 0:06:25.960 you're not getting what you came for. And it's not 0:06:26.080 --> 0:06:28.640 your fault. You're using a broken system. 0:06:28.800 --> 0:06:29.040 You know. 0:06:29.279 --> 0:06:32.400 The first dating app will was Grinder, which was a 0:06:32.440 --> 0:06:43.239 geolocation based app for men money promiscuous. 0:06:38.680 --> 0:06:40.839 And he knows the sound too well too. 0:06:43.520 --> 0:06:46.400 Yes the Grinder, Okay, yes, So it's based on a 0:06:46.400 --> 0:06:49.280 hookup culture. And if you're one of the very few 0:06:49.320 --> 0:06:52.200 that actually happened to find a relationship on an app, 0:06:52.560 --> 0:06:55.000 like the five to ten percent of couples that actually 0:06:55.000 --> 0:06:57.480 do meet on an app, well then you're incredibly lucky 0:06:57.680 --> 0:07:00.440 because it's like your mission statements are world apart. The 0:07:00.440 --> 0:07:02.160 app wants to keep you there and keep you single 0:07:02.160 --> 0:07:04.160 because they make money from you, but you want to 0:07:04.200 --> 0:07:05.760 get off and actually find someone. 0:07:05.839 --> 0:07:08.760 Isn't that so true? I mean it's almost like they're 0:07:08.800 --> 0:07:11.080 trying to make themselves redundant, but not really. 0:07:11.200 --> 0:07:11.440 You know. 0:07:11.520 --> 0:07:14.160 It's like their whole concept is that we're trying to 0:07:14.160 --> 0:07:16.640 find everyone love. But if they found everyone loved, then 0:07:16.640 --> 0:07:19.040 the app wouldn't be what it is, So it's right. 0:07:19.160 --> 0:07:22.600 I mean, Hinge's slogan is designed to be deleted, but 0:07:22.880 --> 0:07:25.280 they're just telling you that it's not because once you 0:07:25.440 --> 0:07:28.440 actually are in a relationship on Hinge, I've had friends 0:07:28.440 --> 0:07:30.960 that have told me this, they still get sent emails 0:07:31.360 --> 0:07:34.560 of hey, you've got five matches, you know, check them out. 0:07:34.720 --> 0:07:36.800 Even when you've paused the app because you want to 0:07:36.800 --> 0:07:40.000 pursue a relationship, They'll still law you and tempt you 0:07:40.040 --> 0:07:40.440 back here. 0:07:40.640 --> 0:07:43.440 Hey, would you like a side chick? Yeah? 0:07:43.600 --> 0:07:48.320 Literally, hey, come over there, because they make money from you. 0:07:48.480 --> 0:07:53.320 Totally I'm guilty of that. Well, I must admit. Look, 0:07:53.440 --> 0:07:56.640 I'm not an a a data I never went through 0:07:56.640 --> 0:07:59.360 the cycle of dating constantly or went through a phase 0:07:59.360 --> 0:08:01.320 where I went on men dates. I was always a 0:08:01.360 --> 0:08:03.880 relationship person. So I had a relationship for six years 0:08:03.880 --> 0:08:06.200 with somebody I got out of that relationship. I was 0:08:06.240 --> 0:08:08.720 single for two years, played the field a bit, you know, 0:08:08.800 --> 0:08:10.480 went on the dating apps and had a look. But 0:08:10.760 --> 0:08:13.000 I never dated much. And then now I've been another 0:08:13.080 --> 0:08:16.080 relationship for long term. So I don't have much experience 0:08:16.080 --> 0:08:18.520 in the dating world. But one question that I have, 0:08:19.000 --> 0:08:22.120 what are some of the common factors for failed relationships 0:08:22.120 --> 0:08:23.360 that you've seen in your career? 0:08:23.840 --> 0:08:28.520 Great question. So, firstly, people are not curious enough. They're 0:08:28.560 --> 0:08:31.000 not turning up and really wanting to get to know 0:08:31.080 --> 0:08:34.480 the person. And curiosity is the beginning of any kind 0:08:34.480 --> 0:08:36.160 of connection. You know, you want to sit down and 0:08:36.200 --> 0:08:38.000 get to know the person, find out what you have 0:08:38.080 --> 0:08:40.680 in common, because the goal of a first date is 0:08:40.800 --> 0:08:42.840 just to get to a second date. It's not to 0:08:42.920 --> 0:08:45.760 have a complete assessment of where the person's going in life. 0:08:46.040 --> 0:08:48.200 To have asked them all these questions so that you 0:08:48.200 --> 0:08:51.199 can then you know, grade them and understand whether or 0:08:51.280 --> 0:08:53.160 not you know they're going to be a potential for you. 0:08:53.600 --> 0:08:57.080 Because it takes time, people unfold slowly, you know, you 0:08:57.160 --> 0:08:59.280 get to know them over time that you might have 0:08:59.600 --> 0:09:01.800 had work colleagues here that you didn't like, you know 0:09:01.840 --> 0:09:04.120 when you first started, and then over time you get 0:09:04.120 --> 0:09:06.440 to know them and they become friends. Right, it's the 0:09:06.480 --> 0:09:08.680 same way in love. We're in such a rush to 0:09:08.720 --> 0:09:11.640 make a diagnosis. So I would say to people, you've 0:09:11.640 --> 0:09:14.040 got to get curious, and then you've got to be playful, 0:09:14.440 --> 0:09:17.840 be fun, you know, have fun, laugh. You want to 0:09:17.840 --> 0:09:20.480 make the person feel great in your company so that 0:09:20.520 --> 0:09:22.800 they walk away going I had a great time. I 0:09:22.840 --> 0:09:23.839 want to see them again. 0:09:24.040 --> 0:09:26.800 That's one of your sayings, brook Like, it's be curious, 0:09:26.840 --> 0:09:29.240 not judgmental. But are you doing that on dates? And 0:09:29.240 --> 0:09:29.800 are you doing that? 0:09:30.720 --> 0:09:33.360 Do do that I watched Ted Lassaho and I love this, 0:09:33.480 --> 0:09:36.600 and I I've always been a very curious person, Like 0:09:36.720 --> 0:09:40.679 I'm always so inquisitive. That's my like, I don't know. 0:09:40.760 --> 0:09:42.880 I think when I was younger, I just asked why 0:09:43.080 --> 0:09:46.120 so many times, So I have no problem with that. 0:09:46.240 --> 0:09:49.479 I think I do fall hard and I do fall easily. 0:09:49.200 --> 0:09:51.360 And I shouldn't laugh because that's maybe being judgmental. 0:09:51.400 --> 0:09:53.880 Yes, you are being sudg mental because. 0:09:53.559 --> 0:09:55.840 Maybe judging a little bit. I'm going to take that, 0:09:56.200 --> 0:09:59.080 take that laughter and shove it up my ass. Yeah. 0:09:59.240 --> 0:10:03.760 Yeah, No, there's so much love here, I think. I mean, 0:10:03.840 --> 0:10:07.640 I learned off a TV show. There's just this one 0:10:07.640 --> 0:10:11.720 scenario where he says, if you lead with curiosity, you 0:10:11.760 --> 0:10:15.000 don't lead with judgment, and if you're not judging, you 0:10:15.200 --> 0:10:18.000 open yourself up to so many different things. But if 0:10:18.040 --> 0:10:20.840 you lead with judgment, you are like just creating that 0:10:20.920 --> 0:10:23.720 like one pathway, and you are closing yourself off. And 0:10:23.800 --> 0:10:27.360 I've always done that with like work, personal life. My 0:10:27.440 --> 0:10:30.320 dad is the best example of curiosity because he just 0:10:30.360 --> 0:10:32.760 asks so many questions and everyone that meets him, he's 0:10:32.840 --> 0:10:36.120 just like the best little human, best big human. Actually, 0:10:36.120 --> 0:10:39.800 he's really tall but he just he's so curious about 0:10:39.800 --> 0:10:41.920 the world, and I watch him and I analyze him 0:10:42.000 --> 0:10:44.720 in such a way that I want to be like him, 0:10:45.080 --> 0:10:47.319 and I just wish that other people were curious about 0:10:47.320 --> 0:10:49.720 my life. But the thing is, and this is the 0:10:49.840 --> 0:10:52.600 biggest problem I have sometimes is that people can google 0:10:52.640 --> 0:10:54.920 me and they can find out all of his stuff. 0:10:55.240 --> 0:10:57.200 And I love when I meet someone and they're like, 0:10:57.280 --> 0:11:00.920 I've not googled or touched anything that you've written or 0:11:01.000 --> 0:11:03.800 said or been on because I don't want to know 0:11:03.920 --> 0:11:06.079 that version. I want to know you for face value. 0:11:06.559 --> 0:11:09.120 And those people are being the ones that I've genuinely 0:11:09.559 --> 0:11:11.600 been in a relationship with because they got to know 0:11:11.720 --> 0:11:14.679 me for me. So I love that. I think we 0:11:14.760 --> 0:11:17.280 aren't curious enough. And I think that's like the biggest 0:11:17.280 --> 0:11:21.240 advice someone could take on and I definitely take that on. 0:11:21.559 --> 0:11:24.640 Look, it sounds like you know you are following in 0:11:24.679 --> 0:11:26.720 the footsteps of your dad. It sounds like he's a 0:11:26.720 --> 0:11:30.360 great role model for you. And maybe you need the 0:11:30.360 --> 0:11:33.480 services of a matchmaker to keep your profile discreete and 0:11:33.559 --> 0:11:36.000 hidden so that you are meeting people but they don't 0:11:36.040 --> 0:11:38.840 know who you are, they don't know the background of 0:11:38.880 --> 0:11:42.000 where you come from. Yeah, you know, it should be 0:11:42.160 --> 0:11:44.360 something that you get to know each other, as I say, 0:11:44.360 --> 0:11:47.640 slowly and over time and in different situations, and you know, 0:11:47.880 --> 0:11:51.079 lots of talking, lots of connecting, lots of discussing. You know, 0:11:51.360 --> 0:11:55.080 there's three vats that I talk about in my book which. 0:11:55.120 --> 0:11:58.440 I'm taking notes by the way, like I am here 0:11:58.559 --> 0:11:58.920 for this. 0:12:01.760 --> 0:12:05.559 There's three v's which I think help people fast track 0:12:05.960 --> 0:12:08.920 and understanding of what it is that they're looking for. 0:12:09.720 --> 0:12:13.840 And the three v's are values, vision, and vibe. So 0:12:13.920 --> 0:12:15.160 what you want to do is you want to look 0:12:15.160 --> 0:12:17.960 at values. So what are your core beliefs? Do you 0:12:18.040 --> 0:12:22.720 have similar core beliefs? Are your ethics aligned? If you're 0:12:22.840 --> 0:12:26.160 really family orientated, and that's super important to you, are 0:12:26.200 --> 0:12:29.360 they Do you have any religious or cultural beliefs that 0:12:29.400 --> 0:12:31.560 you want to share with your partner. So you've got 0:12:31.600 --> 0:12:33.880 to look at that first and see if that's lining up. 0:12:34.320 --> 0:12:37.040 Then look at vision. What's your vision for the future? 0:12:37.120 --> 0:12:39.000 How do you see your future unfolding? Are you at 0:12:39.040 --> 0:12:41.880 a stage where you know you want to travel more 0:12:41.920 --> 0:12:44.440 and live overseas? Do you want to start a family? 0:12:44.840 --> 0:12:47.160 What are your plans? What are your life goals? How 0:12:47.200 --> 0:12:50.200 do you see your life actually panning out and could 0:12:50.200 --> 0:12:52.760 it be together? And then the last one is vibe. 0:12:52.800 --> 0:12:57.000 Do you have a similar energy level, social compatibility, do 0:12:57.040 --> 0:13:00.800 you have similar sense of humor or emotional intelligence or 0:13:00.800 --> 0:13:04.640 conflict resolution? Once you start to look at those three areas, 0:13:05.040 --> 0:13:07.120 you can get a better understanding of whether this is 0:13:07.120 --> 0:13:09.600 a person that's going to fit into your life long term, 0:13:09.800 --> 0:13:13.199 and you can summarize it by asking yourself three key questions, 0:13:13.640 --> 0:13:17.760 which is, do we want the same things? Do we 0:13:18.400 --> 0:13:22.640 have potential for a future together? And do we have synergy? 0:13:23.840 --> 0:13:25.079 I love that And these. 0:13:24.880 --> 0:13:27.080 Don't go in sequence, like these could just be like 0:13:27.120 --> 0:13:30.319 you can get the vibe first and then absolutely values 0:13:30.360 --> 0:13:32.360 and then the vision like you know, like these kind 0:13:32.400 --> 0:13:32.760 of come. 0:13:33.160 --> 0:13:37.320 Yeah, they're not in any prescribed order, but as long 0:13:37.400 --> 0:13:39.800 as you have elements of each of those, you know, 0:13:40.360 --> 0:13:42.720 that's a really important recipe. 0:13:42.800 --> 0:13:45.440 One thing that I've noticed with my partner eighteen months now, 0:13:45.920 --> 0:13:48.000 I'm getting to know my partner at a really deep 0:13:48.120 --> 0:13:52.920 level where I'm understanding his needs or for instance, an example, 0:13:53.080 --> 0:13:56.400 I know that my partner isn't social. I'm very social 0:13:56.520 --> 0:13:58.320 in terms of what I do for my work and 0:13:58.360 --> 0:14:00.320 what I do in my personal life. I got many friends, 0:14:00.360 --> 0:14:03.199 I'm always out, you know, doing things. There's a part 0:14:03.240 --> 0:14:04.840 of me that wants him to be involved in that 0:14:04.960 --> 0:14:08.880 social start of my life. But understanding him more, I've 0:14:08.920 --> 0:14:12.120 been able to really come to terms with the fact 0:14:12.160 --> 0:14:15.160 that that's not what he wants or he needs, and 0:14:15.520 --> 0:14:18.520 I'm going to sacrifice that part of my life in 0:14:18.559 --> 0:14:21.200 my relationship because I know that he's not that type 0:14:21.200 --> 0:14:22.960 of person that's going to be at everything with me, 0:14:23.360 --> 0:14:24.800 So he's going to stay home and chill. I'm going 0:14:24.840 --> 0:14:27.320 to go out and do my things. And accepting that 0:14:27.360 --> 0:14:32.480 about my partner has created this level of peace and 0:14:32.560 --> 0:14:35.240 calm in our relationship because I'm getting to know him 0:14:35.240 --> 0:14:37.680 on the deep level. It's taken time. In the beginning, 0:14:37.760 --> 0:14:39.200 I always felt like, why doesn't he want to be 0:14:39.200 --> 0:14:41.400 a part of my friendship circles? Why doesn't he want 0:14:41.440 --> 0:14:43.120 to be super involved? 0:14:43.120 --> 0:14:45.440 You were angry, you were disappointed, you were like, this 0:14:45.480 --> 0:14:48.440 isn't meeting my need totally. But now you've gone, okay, Well, 0:14:48.440 --> 0:14:52.000 I accept that he's got so many wonderful things about 0:14:52.080 --> 0:14:54.240 him totally, and I'm just going to give him a 0:14:54.720 --> 0:14:57.920 pass on this one and say I understand that that's 0:14:58.000 --> 0:15:00.240 not you, but it's something that's important to me, and 0:15:00.280 --> 0:15:01.960 I'm not going to give it up and resent you 0:15:02.040 --> 0:15:03.880 for it, that's right. I'm just going to give you 0:15:03.960 --> 0:15:06.400 a whole pass and go. You know, I get it, 0:15:06.680 --> 0:15:08.640 but you know, this is something that there is a 0:15:08.680 --> 0:15:10.040 core belief and I want to do these. 0:15:10.240 --> 0:15:12.640 Yeah. So there are things where you can be super different, 0:15:13.080 --> 0:15:16.400 and I think it's understanding your partner and coming to 0:15:16.480 --> 0:15:17.880 terms with the fact that is this something you can 0:15:17.880 --> 0:15:19.960 sacrifice in your relationship or is it going to bring 0:15:20.000 --> 0:15:22.360 you grief? You know, I constantly bring you grief. Now 0:15:22.360 --> 0:15:24.320 that I've accepted it, I go out and do my things. 0:15:24.320 --> 0:15:27.200 He stays home in the apartment. He's really chill. It's 0:15:27.200 --> 0:15:30.000 not like he's taking up other opportunities and not hanging 0:15:30.040 --> 0:15:31.440 out with me, you know what I mean. It's not 0:15:31.480 --> 0:15:34.520 like he's sort of ditching me for a better opportunity. 0:15:34.920 --> 0:15:37.480 It's like he's just that's just him and that's his personality. 0:15:37.520 --> 0:15:40.080 And I've come to find that the more you get 0:15:40.120 --> 0:15:42.880 to know your partner, it takes time. The deeper you go, 0:15:43.040 --> 0:15:45.520 the more that you can accept about them and not 0:15:45.640 --> 0:15:48.360 judge them or try and make them like you has 0:15:48.400 --> 0:15:49.640 been so helpful. 0:15:49.240 --> 0:15:53.920 For me, absolutely, because you remove the expectation and the disappointment, 0:15:54.000 --> 0:15:56.480 You strip that away and you go, okay, well this 0:15:56.520 --> 0:15:58.840 is this is just different for them, and it does 0:15:58.920 --> 0:16:02.640 take time. And that's what relationships are. It's compromise. It's 0:16:02.720 --> 0:16:05.760 understanding and valuing and going okay, well there's these wonderful 0:16:05.760 --> 0:16:08.440 things and this you know, I'm going to compromise on this. 0:16:08.600 --> 0:16:11.240 Yeah. Yeah. And another thing that I've noticed in like 0:16:11.320 --> 0:16:13.440 as I've gotten to know Danny his name is Denny, 0:16:14.080 --> 0:16:16.880 is that you know, not everything needs to be a battle. 0:16:17.200 --> 0:16:19.680 Like I find that sometimes even if you have differing 0:16:19.720 --> 0:16:23.720 opinions or you want different things from a certain scenario, 0:16:24.360 --> 0:16:26.080 it doesn't need to be a battle. I can have 0:16:26.120 --> 0:16:27.960 this and he can have that and it still work, 0:16:28.040 --> 0:16:29.680 you know what I mean. And I feel like that's 0:16:29.720 --> 0:16:32.000 been like an eye opener for me that you know, 0:16:32.320 --> 0:16:35.120 the more that you try not to sort of fight 0:16:35.200 --> 0:16:38.800 the battle of your individual wants and needs, like I 0:16:38.840 --> 0:16:40.280 find that it's been so helpful. 0:16:40.400 --> 0:16:41.800 You've just defined parenting. 0:16:42.000 --> 0:16:45.360 Oh there you go, so am I The dad. 0:16:45.680 --> 0:16:49.000 Parenting is when you pick your battles. Every day could 0:16:49.040 --> 0:16:51.800 be a war on everything that your child does. Yeah, 0:16:51.960 --> 0:16:54.080 but you go, Okay, I'm not going to yell at 0:16:54.080 --> 0:16:57.520 you for spilling that milk when I have to discipline 0:16:57.520 --> 0:17:00.600 you about you know, totally leaving your even a mess 0:17:00.680 --> 0:17:02.840 or whatever whatever it is. You have to pick your battles. 0:17:02.920 --> 0:17:05.639 Yeah, that sounds like Maddie that you're Yeah, that's a 0:17:05.680 --> 0:17:08.080 great like parenting advice, and you're kind of moving into 0:17:08.119 --> 0:17:10.240 that if you're learning that in your relationship, like you're 0:17:10.280 --> 0:17:12.280 just going to take that into your you know, when 0:17:12.280 --> 0:17:13.320 you become a dad like that. 0:17:13.440 --> 0:17:16.119 Yeah, that's I'm great. I'm super excited. I feel like 0:17:16.160 --> 0:17:17.800 the best job in the world would be to be 0:17:17.880 --> 0:17:20.000 your dad, and so I know, I feel like that 0:17:20.160 --> 0:17:22.639 was my dream. But let's swing it back to the 0:17:22.720 --> 0:17:24.480 Week of Love and Valentine's Day. 0:17:24.600 --> 0:17:26.679 Well, No, I wanted to touch on because you treaty 0:17:26.720 --> 0:17:28.359 touched on all of those things, and I was thinking 0:17:28.440 --> 0:17:29.920 of like love languages like. 0:17:30.000 --> 0:17:36.440 Acts of service, physical blah blah blah, words of affirmation, gifts. 0:17:36.760 --> 0:17:39.360 Do you think these matter in a relationship? And like 0:17:39.480 --> 0:17:41.960 you know that that compromise is like, oh, well, you're 0:17:41.960 --> 0:17:44.159 an access service person. But I'm like, you know, like 0:17:44.200 --> 0:17:47.360 that that conversation comes up a lot in dating from 0:17:47.359 --> 0:17:48.360 what I've noticed. 0:17:48.119 --> 0:17:51.320 Look, it matters if you want to speak effectively to 0:17:51.400 --> 0:17:53.840 your partner. Now what I mean by that is that 0:17:54.560 --> 0:17:57.520 if you are speaking to them with a language that 0:17:57.600 --> 0:18:00.159 they don't want you to talk to them in, it's 0:18:00.240 --> 0:18:02.479 not going to have as much effect as if it 0:18:02.560 --> 0:18:06.239 would where you chose what their love language is. So 0:18:06.280 --> 0:18:09.160 if my love language, for example, is quality time and 0:18:09.600 --> 0:18:13.520 physical touch, okay, I need a date night with my partner, 0:18:13.960 --> 0:18:16.000 we go out, have a romantic evening, and then we 0:18:16.040 --> 0:18:19.679 spend time together. If he didn't understand that about me, 0:18:19.760 --> 0:18:22.560 and he does, so that's tick for him, and he 0:18:22.680 --> 0:18:25.520 gave me a gift, that would be nice, but it 0:18:25.560 --> 0:18:27.960 wouldn't have the same impact as if he spoke to 0:18:28.000 --> 0:18:31.560 me in my love language. So you need to know 0:18:31.600 --> 0:18:34.480 what THEIRS is to have the most impact in making 0:18:34.520 --> 0:18:36.879 them feel special, because otherwise you're just talking to them 0:18:36.880 --> 0:18:38.600 in a different language that it's just not going to 0:18:39.119 --> 0:18:39.400 you know. 0:18:39.520 --> 0:18:41.840 Well, that's me, it's powerful love language, that's it. 0:18:42.240 --> 0:18:44.119 So find out what THEIRS is and don't assume that 0:18:44.160 --> 0:18:47.480 theirs is yours totally because that's not the case either. 0:18:47.680 --> 0:18:50.600 Because receiving and giving is that is that right? There's 0:18:50.680 --> 0:18:53.760 receiving a type of love language, and then you might 0:18:53.800 --> 0:18:56.920 be different and how you give love. That's right, I'm 0:18:56.920 --> 0:19:00.720 an acts of service lover, But how I receive love? 0:19:00.760 --> 0:19:03.600