Speaker 1: I record this podcast on Gaetigul Country. I'd like to
Speaker 1: pay my respect to the traditional.
Speaker 2: Custodians and I'm recording on Urando Country, part of the
Speaker 2: cooler Nation. Let's go.
Speaker 1: I know you're gonna dig this. It's like I've been
Speaker 1: given like an extra sprinkle of something.
Speaker 2: You've got layers, Yeah, I got layers. I was just thinking,
Speaker 2: I'm like, we're just such beautiful storytellers.
Speaker 1: You're making a lot of sense to that girl. No,
Speaker 1: I'm done.
Speaker 2: Let's I've been too honest to go. It's Valentine's this
Speaker 2: week and we've got a really exciting episode. Today. We've
Speaker 2: got a special guest called Trudy Gilbert. She's Australia's millionaire matchmaker.
Speaker 2: As someone who's been very single and struggled with relationships
Speaker 2: the last three years my own fault. I'm really excited
Speaker 2: about this episode. I'm really feeling the love this year
Speaker 2: in Valentine's Day as previous episodes not so much. So
Speaker 2: I'm really excited, Maddie, welcome Truty so much.
Speaker 1: H wow, I'm truly I mean Brook, you just mentioned
Speaker 1: you are alone. Maybe you are the reason you are alone.
Speaker 3: Thank you, thank you. That was very smooth, by the way.
Speaker 1: I love a segue. But welcome to first things First,
Speaker 1: it's such an honor to have you in studio. We
Speaker 1: have a million and one questions for you, but let's
Speaker 1: kick off with the book You Are the Reason You
Speaker 1: Are Alone.
Speaker 2: It is that touching itself. Wow.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it could be polarizing, but also an eye catcher.
Speaker 2: Yes, very clive right now.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Look, the book is really confronting, and I wanted
Speaker 3: it to be that way. There's a method behind the madness.
Speaker 3: So over the last twenty years, I've been introducing singles
Speaker 3: and when I speak to people, there seems to be
Speaker 3: this common belief that love is this magical, mystical thing
Speaker 3: that will just happen to you, that you'll walk around
Speaker 3: the corner, you'll bump into the one, you'll live happily
Speaker 3: ever after, and everything will be fine. But things couldn't
Speaker 3: be further from the truth. So, you know, in today's
Speaker 3: modern dating culture are fueled by dating apps, the immediacy
Speaker 3: of social media, the instant gratification that we face on
Speaker 3: websites like Amazon and Timu. We're being conditioned to feel
Speaker 3: that love should be immediate and effortless, and it's really dangerous.
Speaker 3: You know, we have this mindset of like, well, if
Speaker 3: something doesn't work immediately, then it must be wrong. And
Speaker 3: this is so dangerous because it's making people feel stuck.
Speaker 3: And look, it's convenient, isn't it. It's convenient to think
Speaker 3: that love is this thing that's out of your control,
Speaker 3: that's out of your hands, so that you feel that
Speaker 3: you can absolve yourself from any kind of responsibility to it.
Speaker 3: You know, it's easy to blame things like, oh, I've
Speaker 3: had bad luck, or I focused on my career, or
Speaker 3: it's just been bad timing, whatever it is that you
Speaker 3: want to tell yourself as to why you haven't found
Speaker 3: that person, But you're avoiding the reality and the truth,
Speaker 3: which is you are the common denominator in all of
Speaker 3: those experiences, and so why haven't things worked? And I
Speaker 3: wrote this book as a wake up call to kind
Speaker 3: of tell people, listen, don't live in a fantasy. Don't
Speaker 3: live in this Hollywood Disney movie where you think that
Speaker 3: things are just gonna happen for you. You can take
Speaker 3: ownership of your love life. You can make it happen.
Speaker 3: There are things that you can do to fast track
Speaker 3: the process. And when people start taking responsibility, stop blaming circumstances.
Speaker 3: That's when real change can happen. So my book has
Speaker 3: these proven practical strategies about how to shift your mindset,
Speaker 3: how to take action and find love because happiness in
Speaker 3: love isn't something that just falls into your lap. You
Speaker 3: can create it and it's easier than you think once
Speaker 3: you take the first step to actually embrace responsibility and
Speaker 3: your part in the process.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Wow, I love that. You're a straight shooter. You're like,
Speaker 1: you know what, you have to look at yourself. You're
Speaker 1: a common denominator in all of these I suppose failed
Speaker 1: attempts at love. What is it about yourself? I think
Speaker 1: that's a such an eye open up for people in relationships.
Speaker 1: People's looking for love because I think you're right. These
Speaker 1: days people just give up quickly. They just go, you
Speaker 1: know what, that didn't match my puzzle perfectly, that piece,
Speaker 1: and so I'm going to chuck you in the bin.
Speaker 1: I'm going to look for another one.
Speaker 2: I'm exhibit A of that.
Speaker 1: And I wasn't going to say anything.
Speaker 2: No, I am very guilty of this truty. I've been
Speaker 2: on those love reality TV shows. I live in that
Speaker 2: fucking fantasy and it had been for a very long time,
Speaker 2: because I guess I am one that, you know, just
Speaker 2: kind of manifested or you know, use these fake things
Speaker 2: on TV what I saw or what it should look like,
Speaker 2: because I didn't know what love was like at home.
Speaker 2: Maybe I'm not too sure. I haven't really psychoanalyzed myself
Speaker 2: in that sense, but I have realized that the love
Speaker 2: that I have with my dad is unconditional, and that's
Speaker 2: kind of the love that I will hope that one
Speaker 2: day that I'll have. But I'm guilty of this. Maddie knows.
Speaker 2: This is that if someone does something that I just
Speaker 2: don't feel like it's doesn't really fit, I don't want
Speaker 2: to have to, like guess like train them, and I
Speaker 2: kind of be a little bit dismissive. And I know
Speaker 2: that I'm like, I need to work on that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you exit quickly, I.
Speaker 3: Do, Okay, So there's a lot of things that I
Speaker 3: want to address there. First of all, the system is broken,
Speaker 3: so it's not your fault for dismissing relationships really quickly.
Speaker 3: As I said before, we have this mindset that, well,
Speaker 3: if it's not great, you know, I'll just go back
Speaker 3: to the apps and see who else is out there.
Speaker 3: There's this concept of an endless sea of suitors. You know,
Speaker 3: you go on a date, it was nice, but it
Speaker 3: didn't rock your world. Oh let me go see who
Speaker 3: else is there, because there might be someone better. This
Speaker 3: disposable dating mindset is really dangerous because it takes time
Speaker 3: to fall in love. Twenty years ago, thirty years ago.
Speaker 3: You know, you would meet people at university, you would
Speaker 3: hang out, friendships would develop, and then you would fall
Speaker 3: in love. You know, that's a really great path for
Speaker 3: a relationship to develop, not this instant way of assessing
Speaker 3: people going out on a date, having a long checklist,
Speaker 3: going oh, would you match me? You know. It's like
Speaker 3: people are in such a rush to get from the
Speaker 3: dating phase to the relationship phase, and they want without
Speaker 3: getting to taking the time. Because people are so judgmental,
Speaker 3: the apps force us to make these snap judgments based
Speaker 3: on very little information. It's an addiction that the dating
Speaker 3: apps are just like a poker machine. They get a dopamine.
Speaker 3: Every time you get a swipe, you go back to
Speaker 3: see if you can get another one, and at the
Speaker 3: end of the day you end up feeling empty because
Speaker 3: you're not getting what you came for. And it's not
Speaker 3: your fault. You're using a broken system.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 3: The first dating app will was Grinder, which was a
Speaker 3: geolocation based app for men money promiscuous.
Speaker 2: And he knows the sound too well too.
Speaker 3: Yes the Grinder, Okay, yes, So it's based on a
Speaker 3: hookup culture. And if you're one of the very few
Speaker 3: that actually happened to find a relationship on an app,
Speaker 3: like the five to ten percent of couples that actually
Speaker 3: do meet on an app, well then you're incredibly lucky
Speaker 3: because it's like your mission statements are world apart. The
Speaker 3: app wants to keep you there and keep you single
Speaker 3: because they make money from you, but you want to
Speaker 3: get off and actually find someone.
Speaker 1: Isn't that so true? I mean it's almost like they're
Speaker 1: trying to make themselves redundant, but not really.
Speaker 4: You know.
Speaker 1: It's like their whole concept is that we're trying to
Speaker 1: find everyone love. But if they found everyone loved, then
Speaker 1: the app wouldn't be what it is, So it's right.
Speaker 3: I mean, Hinge's slogan is designed to be deleted, but
Speaker 3: they're just telling you that it's not because once you
Speaker 3: actually are in a relationship on Hinge, I've had friends
Speaker 3: that have told me this, they still get sent emails
Speaker 3: of hey, you've got five matches, you know, check them out.
Speaker 3: Even when you've paused the app because you want to
Speaker 3: pursue a relationship, They'll still law you and tempt you
Speaker 3: back here.
Speaker 1: Hey, would you like a side chick? Yeah?
Speaker 3: Literally, hey, come over there, because they make money from you.
Speaker 1: Totally I'm guilty of that. Well, I must admit. Look,
Speaker 1: I'm not an a a data I never went through
Speaker 1: the cycle of dating constantly or went through a phase
Speaker 1: where I went on men dates. I was always a
Speaker 1: relationship person. So I had a relationship for six years
Speaker 1: with somebody I got out of that relationship. I was
Speaker 1: single for two years, played the field a bit, you know,
Speaker 1: went on the dating apps and had a look. But
Speaker 1: I never dated much. And then now I've been another
Speaker 1: relationship for long term. So I don't have much experience
Speaker 1: in the dating world. But one question that I have,
Speaker 1: what are some of the common factors for failed relationships
Speaker 1: that you've seen in your career?
Speaker 3: Great question. So, firstly, people are not curious enough. They're
Speaker 3: not turning up and really wanting to get to know
Speaker 3: the person. And curiosity is the beginning of any kind
Speaker 3: of connection. You know, you want to sit down and
Speaker 3: get to know the person, find out what you have
Speaker 3: in common, because the goal of a first date is
Speaker 3: just to get to a second date. It's not to
Speaker 3: have a complete assessment of where the person's going in life.
Speaker 3: To have asked them all these questions so that you
Speaker 3: can then you know, grade them and understand whether or
Speaker 3: not you know they're going to be a potential for you.
Speaker 3: Because it takes time, people unfold slowly, you know, you
Speaker 3: get to know them over time that you might have
Speaker 3: had work colleagues here that you didn't like, you know
Speaker 3: when you first started, and then over time you get
Speaker 3: to know them and they become friends. Right, it's the
Speaker 3: same way in love. We're in such a rush to
Speaker 3: make a diagnosis. So I would say to people, you've
Speaker 3: got to get curious, and then you've got to be playful,
Speaker 3: be fun, you know, have fun, laugh. You want to
Speaker 3: make the person feel great in your company so that
Speaker 3: they walk away going I had a great time. I
Speaker 3: want to see them again.
Speaker 1: That's one of your sayings, brook Like, it's be curious,
Speaker 1: not judgmental. But are you doing that on dates? And
Speaker 1: are you doing that?
Speaker 2: Do do that I watched Ted Lassaho and I love this,
Speaker 2: and I I've always been a very curious person, Like
Speaker 2: I'm always so inquisitive. That's my like, I don't know.
Speaker 2: I think when I was younger, I just asked why
Speaker 2: so many times, So I have no problem with that.
Speaker 2: I think I do fall hard and I do fall easily.
Speaker 1: And I shouldn't laugh because that's maybe being judgmental.
Speaker 2: Yes, you are being sudg mental because.
Speaker 1: Maybe judging a little bit. I'm going to take that,
Speaker 1: take that laughter and shove it up my ass. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, No, there's so much love here, I think. I mean,
Speaker 2: I learned off a TV show. There's just this one
Speaker 2: scenario where he says, if you lead with curiosity, you
Speaker 2: don't lead with judgment, and if you're not judging, you
Speaker 2: open yourself up to so many different things. But if
Speaker 2: you lead with judgment, you are like just creating that
Speaker 2: like one pathway, and you are closing yourself off. And
Speaker 2: I've always done that with like work, personal life. My
Speaker 2: dad is the best example of curiosity because he just
Speaker 2: asks so many questions and everyone that meets him, he's
Speaker 2: just like the best little human, best big human. Actually,
Speaker 2: he's really tall but he just he's so curious about
Speaker 2: the world, and I watch him and I analyze him
Speaker 2: in such a way that I want to be like him,
Speaker 2: and I just wish that other people were curious about
Speaker 2: my life. But the thing is, and this is the
Speaker 2: biggest problem I have sometimes is that people can google
Speaker 2: me and they can find out all of his stuff.
Speaker 2: And I love when I meet someone and they're like,
Speaker 2: I've not googled or touched anything that you've written or
Speaker 2: said or been on because I don't want to know
Speaker 2: that version. I want to know you for face value.
Speaker 2: And those people are being the ones that I've genuinely
Speaker 2: been in a relationship with because they got to know
Speaker 2: me for me. So I love that. I think we
Speaker 2: aren't curious enough. And I think that's like the biggest
Speaker 2: advice someone could take on and I definitely take that on.
Speaker 3: Look, it sounds like you know you are following in
Speaker 3: the footsteps of your dad. It sounds like he's a
Speaker 3: great role model for you. And maybe you need the
Speaker 3: services of a matchmaker to keep your profile discreete and
Speaker 3: hidden so that you are meeting people but they don't
Speaker 3: know who you are, they don't know the background of
Speaker 3: where you come from. Yeah, you know, it should be
Speaker 3: something that you get to know each other, as I say,
Speaker 3: slowly and over time and in different situations, and you know,
Speaker 3: lots of talking, lots of connecting, lots of discussing. You know,
Speaker 3: there's three vats that I talk about in my book which.
Speaker 2: I'm taking notes by the way, like I am here
Speaker 2: for this.
Speaker 3: There's three v's which I think help people fast track
Speaker 3: and understanding of what it is that they're looking for.
Speaker 3: And the three v's are values, vision, and vibe. So
Speaker 3: what you want to do is you want to look
Speaker 3: at values. So what are your core beliefs? Do you
Speaker 3: have similar core beliefs? Are your ethics aligned? If you're
Speaker 3: really family orientated, and that's super important to you, are
Speaker 3: they Do you have any religious or cultural beliefs that
Speaker 3: you want to share with your partner. So you've got
Speaker 3: to look at that first and see if that's lining up.
Speaker 3: Then look at vision. What's your vision for the future?
Speaker 3: How do you see your future unfolding? Are you at
Speaker 3: a stage where you know you want to travel more
Speaker 3: and live overseas? Do you want to start a family?
Speaker 3: What are your plans? What are your life goals? How
Speaker 3: do you see your life actually panning out and could
Speaker 3: it be together? And then the last one is vibe.
Speaker 3: Do you have a similar energy level, social compatibility, do
Speaker 3: you have similar sense of humor or emotional intelligence or
Speaker 3: conflict resolution? Once you start to look at those three areas,
Speaker 3: you can get a better understanding of whether this is
Speaker 3: a person that's going to fit into your life long term,
Speaker 3: and you can summarize it by asking yourself three key questions,
Speaker 3: which is, do we want the same things? Do we
Speaker 3: have potential for a future together? And do we have synergy?
Speaker 1: I love that And these.
Speaker 2: Don't go in sequence, like these could just be like
Speaker 2: you can get the vibe first and then absolutely values
Speaker 2: and then the vision like you know, like these kind
Speaker 2: of come.
Speaker 3: Yeah, they're not in any prescribed order, but as long
Speaker 3: as you have elements of each of those, you know,
Speaker 3: that's a really important recipe.
Speaker 1: One thing that I've noticed with my partner eighteen months now,
Speaker 1: I'm getting to know my partner at a really deep
Speaker 1: level where I'm understanding his needs or for instance, an example,
Speaker 1: I know that my partner isn't social. I'm very social
Speaker 1: in terms of what I do for my work and
Speaker 1: what I do in my personal life. I got many friends,
Speaker 1: I'm always out, you know, doing things. There's a part
Speaker 1: of me that wants him to be involved in that
Speaker 1: social start of my life. But understanding him more, I've
Speaker 1: been able to really come to terms with the fact
Speaker 1: that that's not what he wants or he needs, and
Speaker 1: I'm going to sacrifice that part of my life in
Speaker 1: my relationship because I know that he's not that type
Speaker 1: of person that's going to be at everything with me,
Speaker 1: So he's going to stay home and chill. I'm going
Speaker 1: to go out and do my things. And accepting that
Speaker 1: about my partner has created this level of peace and
Speaker 1: calm in our relationship because I'm getting to know him
Speaker 1: on the deep level. It's taken time. In the beginning,
Speaker 1: I always felt like, why doesn't he want to be
Speaker 1: a part of my friendship circles? Why doesn't he want
Speaker 1: to be super involved?
Speaker 3: You were angry, you were disappointed, you were like, this
Speaker 3: isn't meeting my need totally. But now you've gone, okay, Well,
Speaker 3: I accept that he's got so many wonderful things about
Speaker 3: him totally, and I'm just going to give him a
Speaker 3: pass on this one and say I understand that that's
Speaker 3: not you, but it's something that's important to me, and
Speaker 3: I'm not going to give it up and resent you
Speaker 3: for it, that's right. I'm just going to give you
Speaker 3: a whole pass and go. You know, I get it,
Speaker 3: but you know, this is something that there is a
Speaker 3: core belief and I want to do these.
Speaker 1: Yeah. So there are things where you can be super different,
Speaker 1: and I think it's understanding your partner and coming to
Speaker 1: terms with the fact that is this something you can
Speaker 1: sacrifice in your relationship or is it going to bring
Speaker 1: you grief? You know, I constantly bring you grief. Now
Speaker 1: that I've accepted it, I go out and do my things.
Speaker 1: He stays home in the apartment. He's really chill. It's
Speaker 1: not like he's taking up other opportunities and not hanging
Speaker 1: out with me, you know what I mean. It's not
Speaker 1: like he's sort of ditching me for a better opportunity.
Speaker 1: It's like he's just that's just him and that's his personality.
Speaker 1: And I've come to find that the more you get
Speaker 1: to know your partner, it takes time. The deeper you go,
Speaker 1: the more that you can accept about them and not
Speaker 1: judge them or try and make them like you has
Speaker 1: been so helpful.
Speaker 3: For me, absolutely, because you remove the expectation and the disappointment,
Speaker 3: You strip that away and you go, okay, well this
Speaker 3: is this is just different for them, and it does
Speaker 3: take time. And that's what relationships are. It's compromise. It's
Speaker 3: understanding and valuing and going okay, well there's these wonderful
Speaker 3: things and this you know, I'm going to compromise on this.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. And another thing that I've noticed in like
Speaker 1: as I've gotten to know Danny his name is Denny,
Speaker 1: is that you know, not everything needs to be a battle.
Speaker 1: Like I find that sometimes even if you have differing
Speaker 1: opinions or you want different things from a certain scenario,
Speaker 1: it doesn't need to be a battle. I can have
Speaker 1: this and he can have that and it still work,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. And I feel like that's
Speaker 1: been like an eye opener for me that you know,
Speaker 1: the more that you try not to sort of fight
Speaker 1: the battle of your individual wants and needs, like I
Speaker 1: find that it's been so helpful.
Speaker 3: You've just defined parenting.
Speaker 1: Oh there you go, so am I The dad.
Speaker 3: Parenting is when you pick your battles. Every day could
Speaker 3: be a war on everything that your child does. Yeah,
Speaker 3: but you go, Okay, I'm not going to yell at
Speaker 3: you for spilling that milk when I have to discipline
Speaker 3: you about you know, totally leaving your even a mess
Speaker 3: or whatever whatever it is. You have to pick your battles.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that sounds like Maddie that you're Yeah, that's a
Speaker 2: great like parenting advice, and you're kind of moving into
Speaker 2: that if you're learning that in your relationship, like you're
Speaker 2: just going to take that into your you know, when
Speaker 2: you become a dad like that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's I'm great. I'm super excited. I feel like
Speaker 1: the best job in the world would be to be
Speaker 1: your dad, and so I know, I feel like that
Speaker 1: was my dream. But let's swing it back to the
Speaker 1: Week of Love and Valentine's Day.
Speaker 2: Well, No, I wanted to touch on because you treaty
Speaker 2: touched on all of those things, and I was thinking
Speaker 2: of like love languages like.
Speaker 1: Acts of service, physical blah blah blah, words of affirmation, gifts.
Speaker 2: Do you think these matter in a relationship? And like
Speaker 2: you know that that compromise is like, oh, well, you're
Speaker 2: an access service person. But I'm like, you know, like
Speaker 2: that that conversation comes up a lot in dating from
Speaker 2: what I've noticed.
Speaker 3: Look, it matters if you want to speak effectively to
Speaker 3: your partner. Now what I mean by that is that
Speaker 3: if you are speaking to them with a language that
Speaker 3: they don't want you to talk to them in, it's
Speaker 3: not going to have as much effect as if it
Speaker 3: would where you chose what their love language is. So
Speaker 3: if my love language, for example, is quality time and
Speaker 3: physical touch, okay, I need a date night with my partner,
Speaker 3: we go out, have a romantic evening, and then we
Speaker 3: spend time together. If he didn't understand that about me,
Speaker 3: and he does, so that's tick for him, and he
Speaker 3: gave me a gift, that would be nice, but it
Speaker 3: wouldn't have the same impact as if he spoke to
Speaker 3: me in my love language. So you need to know
Speaker 3: what THEIRS is to have the most impact in making
Speaker 3: them feel special, because otherwise you're just talking to them
Speaker 3: in a different language that it's just not going to
Speaker 3: you know.
Speaker 2: Well, that's me, it's powerful love language, that's it.
Speaker 3: So find out what THEIRS is and don't assume that
Speaker 3: theirs is yours totally because that's not the case either.
Speaker 2: Because receiving and giving is that is that right? There's
Speaker 2: receiving a type of love language, and then you might
Speaker 2: be different and how you give love. That's right, I'm
Speaker 2: an acts of service lover, But how I receive love?
Speaker 2: I think I need consistency and time. So quality time
Speaker 2: is like my peak because I'm not alviously like physical
Speaker 2: affection for me, I didn't get it. I'm like, but
Speaker 2: people need that, and I've had to adjust mind to
Speaker 2: give that because I don't know what it's like to constantly.
Speaker 2: But yeah, it's a love language, so you have to
Speaker 2: get on the same same page of.
Speaker 1: What do you figure them out?
Speaker 2: I know that's the thing. For me.
Speaker 1: It's probably as easy as going, well, what does make you?
Speaker 1: What makes you feel loved? But it's hard because I
Speaker 1: think that I can feel a sense of love in
Speaker 1: all different ways and all different parts of those languages,
Speaker 1: like for instance, physical touch, gift giving, acts of service,
Speaker 1: quality time for me, they would all feel like love.
Speaker 1: So it's like, how do you narrow it down to
Speaker 1: be like, this is how I truly receive love?
Speaker 3: People would generally have two that they feel the most connected.
Speaker 1: To, and who came up with this? Because two doesn't
Speaker 1: seem like enough for me? I'm like, I want them all.
Speaker 2: There's a book on it, isn't there's a whore's The
Speaker 2: author will probably put it in the show notes.
Speaker 3: Maam, yeah, yeah, so that you'll normally have two and
Speaker 3: it's just trial and error, you know. Like I was
Speaker 3: actually at a dinner party with friends not long ago,
Speaker 3: and we had this discussion about love languages, and it
Speaker 3: was really funny because these are two of my closest friends,
Speaker 3: married couple, and she was saying that her love language
Speaker 3: is gift giving, and her husband turned around to her
Speaker 3: and said, what, I didn't know that. She's like, yeah,
Speaker 3: if you bring me home a bunch of roses, that
Speaker 3: makes me really happy. And he's like, oh my god,
Speaker 3: I never do that because I just think that, you know,
Speaker 3: they're just going to die, and what's the point. I'd rather,
Speaker 3: you know, take you out to dinner. And they had
Speaker 3: been married for twenty years and he didn't know that
Speaker 3: her love language was gift giving.
Speaker 2: Wow can it change? Is the question? So like over
Speaker 2: that time, like you know, you might think one thing
Speaker 2: and then you're like, oh, actually I actually really enjoy this,
Speaker 2: you know, like I actually really enjoy gifts. I thought
Speaker 2: I was an access service person but now I'm like,
Speaker 2: you know what, I like gifts?
Speaker 1: Who doesn't like gifts? Honestly? Come on? Like, I came
Speaker 1: home the other day and I had a bunch of
Speaker 1: uh And it's fun because he must have known what
Speaker 1: my favorite flowers were. And I'm not someone who's like
Speaker 1: big on flowers, but the act that he did it
Speaker 1: made me feel love. I'm not like, the flowers aren't
Speaker 1: the thing, but the thought that he went. I came
Speaker 1: home from Melbourne. It was a late flight. I got
Speaker 1: home and a bunch of flowers on the table. He said,
Speaker 1: I know you've had a big day. Here's the flower.
Speaker 1: And I just felt like, it's not the flowers. It
Speaker 1: was the fact that he went out of his way
Speaker 1: I got them at the thought. Yeah, but they were
Speaker 1: my favorite flowers, you know, lilies. But yeah, I just
Speaker 1: felt like, yeah, so maybe I don't know. It's about
Speaker 1: exploring all of them, right, yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Just you know it's easy to do. You can
Speaker 3: sit down and go, okay, well what do we want
Speaker 3: to do tonight? Do we want to have a romantic
Speaker 3: evening when we go out and we connect. Do you
Speaker 3: want me to give you a massage? You know, and
Speaker 3: think of different ways that you can, you know, enjoy
Speaker 3: being together. But I think that it's really important to
Speaker 3: know what's going to recharge you, what's going to fill
Speaker 3: you up. You know, if you had a busy week
Speaker 3: and you haven't seen your partner much, what's going to
Speaker 3: help you reconnect with them? Yeah, what's going to help
Speaker 3: you go? Okay? I feel like where one again?
Speaker 1: I think deep conversations helped me do that. For instance,
Speaker 1: last night we made it. We put on our key
Speaker 1: table together, put it on the on the balcony. No.
Speaker 3: Wow, now that's going to test any relationship.
Speaker 1: It great though, because he helped me in the beginning
Speaker 1: and then when he cooked dinner, and then I kept
Speaker 1: on doing it while he was cooking dinner. The dinner
Speaker 1: was done, we sat out on the balcony, we sat
Speaker 1: at the table that we built, had this deep conversation
Speaker 1: about future. And deep conversations allowed me to get to
Speaker 1: know him more. Even at this point of eighteen months,
Speaker 1: I feel like, oh, I'm still learning.
Speaker 3: Things, yes, and you're still curious.
Speaker 1: And that deep conversation always brings us closer. It actually
Speaker 1: ignites the sexual tension yes between us, So it's like
Speaker 1: we feel really close to each other after those moments.
Speaker 3: Of course, it's quite interesting because men connect through sex
Speaker 3: normally and women connect through conversation. So when a couple
Speaker 3: is normally, you know, wanting to reconnect, and the man
Speaker 3: will want sex in order to do that, the woman
Speaker 3: will go, We'll on a second. We haven't spent much
Speaker 3: time together or conversed. I'm not ready to have sex
Speaker 3: with you yet, yeah, because I need that conversation to
Speaker 3: get me connected to you to then want to have sex.
Speaker 1: Yep.
Speaker 3: So it's interesting that there's that difference, but you're finding that,
Speaker 3: you know, you connect through conversation.
Speaker 1: I've got one question before we we're going to go
Speaker 1: back around to Valentine's Day stuff because it is Valentine's Week,
Speaker 1: But I've got one question. There's sometimes the inner thoughts,
Speaker 1: and I think they come from your experiences or your
Speaker 1: I don't even know what it is for me, but
Speaker 1: sometimes I have inner saboteur, you know, this inner voice
Speaker 1: that thinks that I should sabotage the relationship. And I
Speaker 1: don't know where it comes from, why it comes, and
Speaker 1: it's like I have to sort of take myself away
Speaker 1: from it and go, no, everything's cool. Why am I
Speaker 1: trying to create chaos? Why am I trying to create
Speaker 1: a problem? You know. It could be the fact that, oh,
Speaker 1: he hasn't messaged me until three pm in the afternoon,
Speaker 1: but he's busy working all day, and it's like, to me,
Speaker 1: it becomes a mountain out of a molehill. And so
Speaker 1: there's this inner voice that sometimes steps in to my
Speaker 1: relationship that goes, he's not giving you enough, he's not
Speaker 1: doing this, he's not doing that. Do you have any
Speaker 1: tactics or strategies where you can just eliminate that voice.
Speaker 1: I'm not eliminated. It's probably always going to be there,
Speaker 1: but to work with it.
Speaker 3: Don't just shut it down, ignore it. Just say talk
Speaker 3: to yourself and say, listen, I know he loves me,
Speaker 3: he's busy, he'll call me later. Yeah, just give yourself
Speaker 3: that self talk because it's fear. It's fear of being vulnerable,
Speaker 3: it's fear of not knowing the messy reality of human connection,
Speaker 3: you know. So you've just got to go, well, that's okay.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and not doing the tit for tat right. So
Speaker 1: it's oh, he hasn't messaged to me, so I'm not
Speaker 1: going to message him. If you feel a message just message,
Speaker 1: because sometimes it's ego for me, you know, like that's
Speaker 1: just a silly scenario. But I think I'm learning more
Speaker 1: about myself trying to navigate this relationship with meticular and
Speaker 1: also not everything's going to be fifty to fifty, you know, like,
Speaker 1: and I think that's something that I've come to terms with.
Speaker 1: It's like I can't expect fifty to fifty, especially when
Speaker 1: there's different playing field, all the goalposts for both of
Speaker 1: us are a little bit different, you know. So I
Speaker 1: don't know. I just I'm learning a lot about myself
Speaker 1: as well in.
Speaker 3: A relation fantastic because that's what happens. You learn just
Speaker 3: as much about them as you do about you because
Speaker 3: you're in these new situations. It's evolving, you're learning, you're testing,
Speaker 3: you're growing, you're discovering, and that's exactly what's meant to happen.
Speaker 3: So it sounds like a really healthy relationship.
Speaker 1: Yah. And one thing that I've currently been working on
Speaker 1: is not trying to see you know that this is forever, forever, forever,
Speaker 1: And it's like that whole thing of putting so much
Speaker 1: pressure on the relationship that it's going to be the
Speaker 1: one and only person you love forever, and that you
Speaker 1: see it's already the path. You know, you see the
Speaker 1: path already, and you put pressure that you have to
Speaker 1: make it to the end. Like for me, stepping out
Speaker 1: of that and going living the present, lived day by day,
Speaker 1: be with my partner who knows what the future holds,
Speaker 1: has been really helpful for me. And I think that
Speaker 1: that contradicts the idea of marriage in a sense, but
Speaker 1: for me, it's been really helpful. So not putting pressure
Speaker 1: on the relationship to be to be all and end
Speaker 1: all of like why you're in it. The reason I'm
Speaker 1: in it is because I love you and I want
Speaker 1: to be with you, But it's not because I am
Speaker 1: putting this pressure on it to get to a certain point.
Speaker 1: And so that's been super helpful for me.
Speaker 3: I think that once you realize it's a daily choice
Speaker 3: that both of you make to want to be together,
Speaker 3: is something that makes you appreciate each other and go, Okay,
Speaker 3: well I've made a choice today. I want to be
Speaker 3: with you. And you don't need marriage, you don't need
Speaker 3: a commitment, you know, in order to do that, you
Speaker 3: just make that daily choice.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I have received this advice like maybe a few
Speaker 2: years ago. I don't know where I heard it from,
Speaker 2: but it might have been even my dad. Again, sorry
Speaker 2: not to mention him, but it's such a beautiful man.
Speaker 2: But he said, to learn how to love in a
Speaker 2: relationship is also to learn how to fight with your partner.
Speaker 2: So like, actually, you can fight, per se, but you know,
Speaker 2: knowing how to do that in a healthy way, Like
Speaker 2: that's inevitable.
Speaker 1: We're always going to fight.
Speaker 2: Well, yeah, and it doesn't always have to be like
Speaker 2: a negative fight, you know what I mean.
Speaker 3: Like, it will always be conflict, and what you have
Speaker 3: to learn is how to resolve that conflict effectively pretty much. Yeah,
Speaker 3: So everyone will have different strategies, you know, different needs,
Speaker 3: but you need to work out what is best for
Speaker 3: you and your partner.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so my question is what's the best way to
Speaker 2: resolve an argument with your partner, like obviously.
Speaker 1: Firmly, But it depends on your partner, right, Because, for instance,
Speaker 1: in my relationship, I know that Denny doesn't like to
Speaker 1: resolve immediately. I'm the gapper. I'm like, no, we need
Speaker 1: to sort this out right now. I'm a bet unless
Speaker 1: we have a resolution and I've come to terms with
Speaker 1: the fact that. You know, what, if we have an
Speaker 1: argument or we we have a moment of conflict, I'm
Speaker 1: going to give him time and circle back around in
Speaker 1: two days, you know, because if I try, it's overwhelming him.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, And that's exactly that's exactly my point.
Speaker 3: You have to find out what works for each person.
Speaker 3: You know, when I fight with my partner, we resolve
Speaker 3: conflict the most effectively, ironically through text messaging.
Speaker 2: Yeah so everyone sort of Yeah, but that's the whole thing.
Speaker 2: Is I learned to love, is to learn how to
Speaker 2: resolve a fight like.
Speaker 3: But definitely calmly and like, you know, talking about it
Speaker 3: through stages like you know, I felt this way if
Speaker 3: you explain how it makes you feel, you know, that's
Speaker 3: where where you should be starting from.
Speaker 2: Yeah, no, it's Valentine's Day this week, and couples that
Speaker 2: listen to us, singles that listen to us, a lot
Speaker 2: of queers that listen to us. What is the best
Speaker 2: advice that you'd give who to people who really kind
Speaker 2: of dread this week? You know, give them some hope,
Speaker 2: give them some love, give them like some some tips. Obviously,
Speaker 2: we've been unpacked so much already. I feel like I've
Speaker 2: learned so much already. But what was What would be
Speaker 2: your advice.
Speaker 3: Treaty for people who want to find love?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Yeah, Look, I would say.
Speaker 3: That there's nothing wrong with telling people that you want
Speaker 3: to find love and getting your crew, getting your in
Speaker 3: a circle to help you, and you introduce you to people.
Speaker 3: You know, people do get busy and lazy and they go, oh,
Speaker 3: you know, I'm busy with work and you know, but
Speaker 3: it's nice if you remind them and say, listen, I
Speaker 3: do want to meet someone. So think of me when
Speaker 3: you're organizing a dinner party or having a social event.
Speaker 3: I would love to come and I would love to
Speaker 3: meet someone. The other thing you can do is how
Speaker 3: to meet people without dating apps, because I don't believe
Speaker 3: dating apps are a valuable method at all to find
Speaker 3: a partner. There are lots of things you can do
Speaker 3: to meet people in other ways.
Speaker 1: Run clubs, the top dating app, other new dating app.
Speaker 1: It's sort of like everyone goes to outdoors run club.
Speaker 1: It's a healthy thing.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's perfect because you're meeting people with similar values.
Speaker 3: They value health and fitness. You can then go and
Speaker 3: do other things after the run. You can extend, you
Speaker 3: can call them and say, hey, let's go for a bushwalk.
Speaker 3: You know you know that they're into health and fitness.
Speaker 3: It's a great segue to share more interests together.
Speaker 2: So common hobbies interests like if you like pottery, go
Speaker 2: to pottery things.
Speaker 3: Absolutely, invest more time in doing the things that you like.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love this.
Speaker 1: When you are going on a date, what is some
Speaker 1: advice on how to prepare for that moment? And what
Speaker 1: questions are crucial in a date that allows you to
Speaker 1: sort of be.
Speaker 3: Curious great questions. So how do you prepare for the date?
Speaker 3: First of all, don't be in a rush. Don't rush
Speaker 3: home from the office or work and then you know
Speaker 3: you've got twenty minutes to get ready and run out
Speaker 3: the door. You really want to kind of just get comfortable,
Speaker 3: be prepared for the date mentally, emotionally, be excited by it.
Speaker 3: If you're a woman, maybe you want to have a
Speaker 3: bath or put on some sexy music and get a
Speaker 3: nice outfit. And it's really I always tell people have
Speaker 3: like two or three first date outfits all ready to
Speaker 3: so that you don't need to worry about what you're
Speaker 3: going to wear. That box is already ticked. It could
Speaker 3: be a pair of jeans, nice heels, and a classic
Speaker 3: top for a guy could just be really nice shirt
Speaker 3: and nice pants and you know, cool shoes read ready
Speaker 3: to pull out. It's a no brainer. And then when
Speaker 3: you're there. I'm really against people having like a checklist
Speaker 3: of things that they want to ask. You know, how
Speaker 3: many kids do you want to have? When do you
Speaker 3: want to have kids? You know, where do you want
Speaker 3: to live? Do you have a nice car? Like, all
Speaker 3: of these questions are irrelevant. You just need to get
Speaker 3: to know one another and find out what you have
Speaker 3: in common. Do you have common values? Do you want
Speaker 3: the same things in your future? Is there a synergy?
Speaker 3: Is there a playfulness? Is there banter? Do you like
Speaker 3: their company? Do you feel good? You know, it's about
Speaker 3: getting to that next stage, date number two. So date
Speaker 3: number one doesn't have to be all that long. You know,
Speaker 3: it could be an hour, it could be two hours.
Speaker 3: A lot of my members they do say to me, oh,
Speaker 3: you know, we went to the restaurant. We were the
Speaker 3: last ones to leave, which is amazing because you know,
Speaker 3: they had all these things to talk about, all these
Speaker 3: things in common, and that's what we do. You know.
Speaker 3: The background work is that we will match people with
Speaker 3: all of this alignment already, so we know that they're
Speaker 3: going to talk for hours because they have these common
Speaker 3: interests and values and life stage and energy levels and
Speaker 3: all of that's kind of predetermined. But when you're meeting
Speaker 3: people on your own, in your own capacity, yeah, it's
Speaker 3: just about getting to know one another and being playful
Speaker 3: and fun and laughing because you know it's not It
Speaker 3: shouldn't be too serious. It should just be a catch
Speaker 3: up and find out what you like to do together
Speaker 3: and see if you want to hang out again.
Speaker 1: I love that.
Speaker 2: I love that too.
Speaker 1: I've got one more question because I want to get
Speaker 1: some goss. Okay, do you have any high profile clients
Speaker 1: and are there any celebs that you work with that
Speaker 1: like you match under the radar.
Speaker 3: So the answer is yes, I have worked and do
Speaker 3: work with high profile individuals. I've worked with two billionaires,
Speaker 3: an Olympic athlete, media personalities, famous authors, entrepreneurs, the list
Speaker 3: goes on politicians. I've worked with a cross section of
Speaker 3: people who are very very well known in the Australian public.
Speaker 2: Twenty one's Batforette Brooklyn.
Speaker 1: You will be on that list. I'm sure I will.
Speaker 2: Be If this doesn't work out, it's fine. I'm coming
Speaker 2: to Trudy's house and.
Speaker 4: I'm the reason I'm And my celebrity clients they either
Speaker 4: want one of two directions.
Speaker 3: One they want the person to know exactly who they
Speaker 3: are before they agree to go on the date, so
Speaker 3: that there's no confusion and that the client is understanding
Speaker 3: of you know, that person's history, that what they come with,
Speaker 3: what the relationship might involve, but you know, being in
Speaker 3: the spotlight and so forth. And then there are others
Speaker 3: who actually don't want them to be told, so that
Speaker 3: they have the opportunity to meet and establish a connection
Speaker 3: before they know of their history. So it's interesting you
Speaker 3: get two sides.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and have any high pro I'm sure they have.
Speaker 1: There's been many successful.
Speaker 3: Matches, many I've been doing this for twenty years. I
Speaker 3: like to think I'm quite good at what I do,
Speaker 3: but I can amazing.
Speaker 2: I was just thinking, I'm like, oh my god, Like,
Speaker 2: sorry not to cut you off, but I'm like, you're
Speaker 2: in a beautiful relationship. I'm assuming you said you were
Speaker 2: married and you're in a relationship. Can I just ask
Speaker 2: why you went into this work? Like, was it just
Speaker 2: because you wanted to see other people happy, or you
Speaker 2: just love love like me, Like.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Well, it's a really funny story that I didn't
Speaker 3: grow up thinking I want to be a matchmaker. It
Speaker 3: wasn't something that I dreamed of, like you. My dad is.
Speaker 3: I'm really close with him, and he was a business owner.
Speaker 3: So growing up I saw him go out and he
Speaker 3: loved what he did. He was a sales agent for clothing,
Speaker 3: so he would go and meet all of his buyers
Speaker 3: and show them the range. And one day I went
Speaker 3: with him and he just had fun. He had fun
Speaker 3: all day talking to his clients, who were like friends.
Speaker 3: They would have a laugh, they'd have a chat, he'd
Speaker 3: do some business, he'd go into the next one. And
Speaker 3: we had a really good lifestyle growing up. You know,
Speaker 3: we were able to travel overseas and we lived in
Speaker 3: a nice area. So I formed this understanding that being
Speaker 3: a business owner was fun, profitable, and you know, it
Speaker 3: could give you a great life. So in the back
Speaker 3: of my mind, I think I was always programmed to
Speaker 3: want to be a business owner. And I lived overseas
Speaker 3: for four years. I lived in Italy and I had
Speaker 3: a business there teaching English to companies, and I came
Speaker 3: back home. I was twenty nine. I was ready to,
Speaker 3: you know, to settle and have a new business here.
Speaker 3: And I was reading a magazine in a cafe and
Speaker 3: I read about this high end matchmaker in New York
Speaker 3: who does exclusive matchmaking, and it really got me interested,
Speaker 3: and I thought it was fascinating. She charged an absolute premium,
Speaker 3: like fifty thousand US to find you your life partner.
Speaker 1: She was based in you an insurance policy it doesn't
Speaker 1: last more than three years to get your money back,
Speaker 1: and she was.
Speaker 3: Quite in your face, and it was a really interesting read.
Speaker 3: But it got me thinking, well, look, you know, I
Speaker 3: grew up in the East, I went to university. I
Speaker 3: enjoy certain things like travel and culture and learning and growing,
Speaker 3: and I wanted a place. I wanted to create an
Speaker 3: agency where people could come and know that they would
Speaker 3: meet other like minded people. Because there were dating agencies around,
Speaker 3: but it was too vast, it was too broad. There
Speaker 3: was too much possibility of non connection because there weren't
Speaker 3: enough things in alignment. So I did research and found
Speaker 3: that in the US and the UK, executive dating was
Speaker 3: really popular and I started that here. So I was
Speaker 3: the first to kind of have this brand of matchmaking
Speaker 3: professionals and entrepreneurs and business owners, and it was successful
Speaker 3: from the beginning.
Speaker 1: I feel like that's it must be exciting as well
Speaker 1: when you see it.
Speaker 3: There is no greater high than getting a phone call
Speaker 3: or we're engaged, we're married, We're going away and meeting
Speaker 3: his family. I'm taking her to Europe for summer. Like
Speaker 3: the relayationship is progressing, and that you know that you've
Speaker 3: made a huge impact in someone's lives and finding them
Speaker 3: love and having children, like there are hundreds of children
Speaker 3: out there now because we've created a union of two
Speaker 3: people coming together.
Speaker 2: I love that.
Speaker 1: That's beautiful. Well, speaking of two people coming together, I
Speaker 1: feel like that's what Valentine's Day's about. I hope all
Speaker 1: our lovers that are listening to the pod have an
Speaker 1: exceptional Valentine's Day. And you know what, if you're a
Speaker 1: single and looking for love, where can they find you?
Speaker 3: They can find me at Trudy Gilbert dot com. I
Speaker 3: have the book is available on that website, Trudy Gilbert
Speaker 3: dot com Forward Slash Book, And there's also the course
Speaker 3: on how to date with out dating apps if you
Speaker 3: want to delete them forever, which I encourage you to do.
Speaker 2: Cannot wait to send your book to my best friend Asia.
Speaker 2: If you just listening to this episode, this book is
Speaker 2: for you, girl.
Speaker 1: And I'm going to buy the book and send it
Speaker 1: to Brook.
Speaker 3: Look as you read it, think of me as your
Speaker 3: big sister wanting to step in and help you because
Speaker 3: you know there are things that you might have got wrong.
Speaker 2: I don't want to do your job, girl, can you.
Speaker 2: I want to learn all this stuff and I want
Speaker 2: to do it for all my friends and my all
Speaker 2: my listeners. I love this. This is such a beautiful episode.
Speaker 2: So thank you so much for.
Speaker 3: Coming my pleasure.
Speaker 2: Guys.
Speaker 3: It's been great.
Speaker 2: Thank you to trust you so awesome. Yeah. Great, thanks guys.
Speaker 2: We'll see you next episode.
Speaker 1: Bye bye,