Speaker 1: Appologie production.
Speaker 2: I need your advice.
Speaker 1: Are you okay? What happened? Promise it won't be too much.
Speaker 1: Bring it in.
Speaker 2: Welcome to our bestie segment, my girl, this is the
Speaker 2: place for you.
Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to another bestie segment. Today is
Speaker 1: quite a long story, so buckle in, but it's a
Speaker 1: very interesting one. I feel like we're going to have
Speaker 1: very interesting perspectives on this. Yeah, but thank you once
Speaker 1: again for being so open and vulnerable. If you're new here,
Speaker 1: we're in your ears four times a week and on
Speaker 1: a Tuesday. It is a bestI advice segment. So basically,
Speaker 1: for anyone who wants our perspective on something, maybe you
Speaker 1: don't have a close circle of friends around you. Maybe
Speaker 1: it's something you want to keep it a bit harsh because
Speaker 1: it's your close circle. You don't want to knowing all
Speaker 1: the details or something, but you want an outside person's perspective.
Speaker 1: Take with a grain of salt or hopefully it lands.
Speaker 1: But get into today's episode. Let's do it. My amazing husband,
Speaker 1: who was a very involved father, partner and the absolute
Speaker 1: love of my life, was recently offered a happy ending
Speaker 1: slash hand job at an Asian massage shop. Bearing in
Speaker 1: mind both of us have used the same establishment for
Speaker 1: deep tissue massages and found it completely above board and
Speaker 1: fine in the past. Without thinking, he said yes. As
Speaker 1: the massagers started to get closer to his package and
Speaker 1: he had become erect after a minute or two of
Speaker 1: the hand job, it was obvious his post massage erection
Speaker 1: was fading as he now was actually realizing the enormity
Speaker 1: of his choice. The therapist then began to perform oral
Speaker 1: sex on him without asking. After thirty seconds or so,
Speaker 1: he asked her to stop. It was clear he couldn't
Speaker 1: become erect again, and he also knew he'd made a
Speaker 1: really poor choice. He tells me that when he said
Speaker 1: yes initially, he said yes with curiosity and not much
Speaker 1: other thought. Delving into this moor, he also felt a
Speaker 1: desire to have attention spent on him, as a level
Speaker 1: of intimacy in our relationship was a little low at
Speaker 1: that time, whilst we were fairly stressed and sleep deprived
Speaker 1: from having kids and hectic work schedules. He tells me
Speaker 1: he had zero emotional or physical connection to that therapist,
Speaker 1: and I believe that upon leaving, he was asked to
Speaker 1: pay two hundred and fifty dollars cash on top of
Speaker 1: his regular massage fee, despite no actual happy ending, and
Speaker 1: went home feeling so much shame that he got straight
Speaker 1: into the shower and proceeded to catastrophize for the next
Speaker 1: fortnight about how he should tell me and how he
Speaker 1: might lose me and our two kids under six due
Speaker 1: to his poor choice. By the time he told me
Speaker 1: what had happened, a fortnight had passed, and in that
Speaker 1: time he'd been driven to the point of planning his
Speaker 1: own suicide as a workplace accident to avoid the shame
Speaker 1: he felt that he was going to be bringing into
Speaker 1: our relationship to further his psychological stress. He had a
Speaker 1: rash pop up on his genitals and rushed to the
Speaker 1: GP for an STI screening. When he finally told me
Speaker 1: this information, after a fortnight of his intense anxiety and
Speaker 1: being completely alone in all, I was deeply shocked. The
Speaker 1: hardest part was also knowing he waited a whole fortnight
Speaker 1: to tell and what he had gone through was all alone.
Speaker 1: We previously both had loyalty as a true call value,
Speaker 1: and in the ten years we been together married and
Speaker 1: had kids, not once had I ever seen him look
Speaker 1: at another woman in the form of attraction, etc. Given
Speaker 1: my gauge on who I believe him to be, I
Speaker 1: chose to respond with compassion for him a man who
Speaker 1: was a good man who made a bad choice, and
Speaker 1: it had paid for his choice over the last fortnight,
Speaker 1: where he clearly was not himself, was not sleeping well.
Speaker 1: I had noticed that, but thought it might have been
Speaker 1: just general stress, and had even considered on how to
Speaker 1: take his own life and make it look like a
Speaker 1: workplace accident, so shame was not brought to our relationship
Speaker 1: for his choice. In the moment, I hugged him, I
Speaker 1: told him that it was going to be all okay,
Speaker 1: and I was so relieved he hadn't ended his life.
Speaker 1: I was also relieved that the cheating was more of
Speaker 1: a business transaction than a true emotional or attraction based affair,
Speaker 1: where I would have been one hundred percent done with
Speaker 1: a relationship. He cried and was very emotional. He was
Speaker 1: also very open with me. He told me he was
Speaker 1: willing to answer any questions I might have now or
Speaker 1: even in the years to come, as he realized these
Speaker 1: could still pop up. He told me he takes one
Speaker 1: hundred percent responsibility and his choice wasn't a reflection of
Speaker 1: our relationship. He was very surprised I decided to stay
Speaker 1: and work through this together, as his inner critic is
Speaker 1: often very loud and had convinced him that I would
Speaker 1: leave him. I think I surprised myself too, but I
Speaker 1: also could see that this could either break us or
Speaker 1: make us stronger as a couple, and the perhaps we
Speaker 1: needed to really take stock of each other's needs that
Speaker 1: maybe might not be getting met prior to this incident,
Speaker 1: which he was very sure to totally take one hundred
Speaker 1: percent responsibility for his choices. After a few months of
Speaker 1: me processing and coming to terms, I felt able to
Speaker 1: be intimate with him once again, and our relationship has
Speaker 1: healed stronger than it ever has before. We've both grown
Speaker 1: in terms of being able to voice what our needs
Speaker 1: are and not push them aside. We've become better communicators,
Speaker 1: and I'm truly glad that I made the decision that
Speaker 1: I did in staying. We have both had individual and
Speaker 1: couples counseling around all and it wasn't easy at times,
Speaker 1: but I'm glad I made the choice that I did.
Speaker 1: We've both been cheated on in the past, and so
Speaker 1: this was always a hard no for both of us.
Speaker 1: So it's totally new territory for me to be able
Speaker 1: to allow any kind of rule bending. I definitely have
Speaker 1: left if it was an emotional connection, or if it
Speaker 1: didn't show the devastation and responsibility of his choice. But
Speaker 1: my question is what would you girls do in this situation?
Speaker 1: And I wonder if these dodging massage shops are more
Speaker 1: common than we realize. Question Mark. I'm interested to hear
Speaker 1: all of your thoughts or what I realized might be
Speaker 1: a controversial choice that I have made. I'm sorry for
Speaker 1: the long story. Firstly, You've got nothing to be sorry about.
Speaker 1: We actually much prefer long stories and more context. We
Speaker 1: love it. We feel like we can give better advice.
Speaker 1: Everyone writes in two sentences. We're like, we don't have
Speaker 1: enough context in your opinion, you know. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Firstly, Wow, For one, you sound very self aware, which
Speaker 2: is amazing, and it sounds like, even in the beginning
Speaker 2: of your relationship, like you guys have a very strong foundation.
Speaker 2: You've made a very conscious choice to be with each other,
Speaker 2: which is the first thing.
Speaker 1: I thing what you guys have been through is so inspiring.
Speaker 1: I'm in awe of you both. I think even the
Speaker 1: way you said, like a good human made a bad choice,
Speaker 1: I just think you've navigated this so beautifully, both of you.
Speaker 1: Like you both sound like such fucking amazing humans, so
Speaker 1: self aware. He took full responsibility. Yeah, he made a
Speaker 1: bad choice, but it was over very, very quickly. And
Speaker 1: I just think you've done it perfectly. Yeah, I didn't
Speaker 1: even have any further advice of I would have done this,
Speaker 1: I would have done that. I think I probably would
Speaker 1: have done exactly what you've done. Yeah, although I think
Speaker 1: I probably would have had a bit more anger first
Speaker 1: finding out, but then in saying that if your partner
Speaker 1: is saying they were planning to commit suicide, maybe I wouldn't. Yes,
Speaker 1: that's so freaking sad yeh. And with the ghost show,
Speaker 1: how much he regretted his decision, how much he cares
Speaker 1: for you and the relationship. And I just think you
Speaker 1: guys have navigated this so beautifully. I'm so glad you
Speaker 1: sent this in. Yeah, well freaking done.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's not an easy thing to have to navigate.
Speaker 2: So it's really not and it's as you can tell.
Speaker 2: You can see that you've taken time to really make
Speaker 2: the decision that you've made, and to think about it
Speaker 2: and to make sure that you're not making any irrational decisions,
Speaker 2: making any decision based off emotion. And you know the
Speaker 2: fact that you guys have gone to counseling and you've
Speaker 2: addressed it with a third party, with the mediator, is
Speaker 2: a really good way to go about things when you're
Speaker 2: navigating with relationship struggles. I think that's really cool. I
Speaker 2: feel like I have betrayal wounds and things like that,
Speaker 2: so I think for me, I definitely would have allowed
Speaker 2: myself to process more of the anger and to be
Speaker 2: seen in the hurt. And I feel like you, by
Speaker 2: the sounds of it, it sounds like you did do that. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I would agree with Actually, I feel like I would
Speaker 2: have a lot of anger and stuff like that I
Speaker 2: would have need to work through. But also the good
Speaker 2: human making a bad choice. And I think we're not
Speaker 2: perfect humans. We fuck up, we make mistakes, and I
Speaker 2: think there's the reality of it is that no one
Speaker 2: is perfect in any given relationship, and we are in
Speaker 2: some way gonna hurt our partners even if we don't
Speaker 2: mean to. And yeah, I just think that it did
Speaker 2: really well.
Speaker 1: You know, yeah, it's a tricky situation. I think you
Speaker 1: guys did so well.
Speaker 2: I think it's cool that you reacted based on the
Speaker 2: caliber of the situation. You know within yourself that if
Speaker 2: he had cheated and it was emotional connection and genuinely
Speaker 2: had like an affair, then you would be like, that's
Speaker 2: my limit, that's my boundary, I'm out. But given the
Speaker 2: situation and he came to in the moment and realized,
Speaker 2: oh shit, I've made a really terrible decision and it
Speaker 2: lasted thirty seconds or it happened in the spur.
Speaker 1: Of the moment, and it caught himself.
Speaker 2: Came from curiosity, he caught himself. Yeah, it took accountability
Speaker 2: for that in the moment and obviously stopped things.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and then came to you after. I think every
Speaker 1: relationship too, goes through so many different things, like when
Speaker 1: you're in a long term relationship. I haven't ever been
Speaker 1: through cheating, but I do believe everyone is capable of change,
Speaker 1: and everyone is capable of making mistakes. You know your
Speaker 1: strong boundaries. Like for me, definitely, emotional connection of cheating
Speaker 1: would be an absolutely, I couldn't go back from that.
Speaker 1: But something like this, I think I think I would
Speaker 1: have done what you've done, and I think I would
Speaker 1: have stayed and all the evidence of ten years of
Speaker 1: amazing relationship with strong foundations, and you know what, sometimes
Speaker 1: sometimes shit happens and breaks down so that you guys
Speaker 1: can work through things. And it actually brings so much
Speaker 1: more to the table as to what was underneath all
Speaker 1: of this reading in that you guys were not intimate,
Speaker 1: you were stressed, you were tired, and you weren't pouring
Speaker 1: into each other, and then that curiosity to get the
Speaker 1: better of him. So now it's like, Okay, you've learned
Speaker 1: how to communicate. You now know what your needs are,
Speaker 1: what his needs are. You're going to talk about that
Speaker 1: all the time as your season has changed, and that's
Speaker 1: really cool. Now that's a skill you probably didn't have before.
Speaker 1: So it's like everything happens for a reason. So much
Speaker 1: good can come from mess and chaos and shitty situations.
Speaker 1: You can learn so much from it and grow so
Speaker 1: much from it. And that's what you guys have done.
Speaker 1: That's really cool. I love that. I admire both of you.
Speaker 1: It's really cool. That's awesome. Yeah, so thanks for saying
Speaker 1: in and well done, and yeah, you asked what we
Speaker 1: would do. I would have done exactly what you've done.
Speaker 1: Very cool, King and Queen. Well done guy, Thanks for
Speaker 1: joining us and was he tomorrow? Bye bye