WEBVTT - Misfit. Survivor. Leader. | Dima Ghawi - 902 0:00:01.680 --> 0:00:07.480 She said, it's now never I got fighting in my blood. 0:00:09.039 --> 0:00:12.479 I'm tiff. This is Roll with the punches and we're 0:00:12.520 --> 0:00:17.119 turning life's hardest hits into wins. Nobody wants to go 0:00:17.200 --> 0:00:20.599 to court, and don't. My friends at test Art Family 0:00:20.680 --> 0:00:25.160 Lawyers know that they offer all forms of alternative dispute resolution. 0:00:25.720 --> 0:00:29.240 Their team of Melbourne family lawyers have extensive experience in 0:00:29.360 --> 0:00:32.960 all areas of family law to facto and same sex couples, 0:00:33.159 --> 0:00:37.280 custody and children, family violence and intervention orders, property settlements 0:00:37.360 --> 0:00:41.720 and financial agreements. Test Art is in your corner, so 0:00:41.840 --> 0:00:45.440 reach out to Mark and the team at www dot 0:00:45.800 --> 0:00:49.599 test Artfamilylawyers dot com dot au. 0:00:51.520 --> 0:00:56.160 Dem it Gowie. Welcome to Roll with the Punches. Hey, Tifany, 0:00:56.200 --> 0:00:57.640 I'm so excited to be here. 0:00:58.080 --> 0:01:00.600 I feel like I've just connected with an other soul 0:01:00.760 --> 0:01:02.120 sister across the globe. 0:01:04.080 --> 0:01:07.600 Thank you. I feel the same, And yes, you're we are. 0:01:07.840 --> 0:01:10.280 We are on two other sides of this world. 0:01:10.880 --> 0:01:13.840 Isn't weird but kind of cool? Like I still can't 0:01:13.840 --> 0:01:16.200 get like, what what is the day and time where. 0:01:16.040 --> 0:01:21.839 You are right now? It's eight thirty five pm. Yes, yeah, 0:01:21.880 --> 0:01:25.080 that's a little a little minor detail. Yes, eight thirty 0:01:25.120 --> 0:01:27.960 five pm. Yeah, lunch time. 0:01:28.200 --> 0:01:36.160 It's lunchtime on day? Is it's Tuesday? Is it Tuesday? There? Wow? 0:01:36.319 --> 0:01:39.680 I forgot what day it does. No, it's Monday anywhere 0:01:39.800 --> 0:01:46.920 day eight thirty five pm on a Monday. Yeah, you 0:01:46.959 --> 0:01:48.120 are in my future. 0:01:48.720 --> 0:01:50.800 Yeah. It blows my mind. And every time, like, I 0:01:50.840 --> 0:01:52.720 feel like my listeners will be like, are you if 0:01:52.720 --> 0:01:54.840 I like, come on, it's been years now, you're still 0:01:54.880 --> 0:01:57.400 having this conversation about the time difference. But I'm like, 0:01:57.680 --> 0:02:01.080 if it's my birthday now, which is not part of way, 0:02:01.160 --> 0:02:02.720 but if it was like, it's not my it's my 0:02:02.760 --> 0:02:04.960 birthday here, but it's not my birthday there yet, it's 0:02:05.000 --> 0:02:05.880 so funny to me. 0:02:07.320 --> 0:02:10.600 It is. Well, I love it during New Year's Eve 0:02:10.720 --> 0:02:14.079 when you're able to see New Year's Eve shifting across 0:02:14.120 --> 0:02:18.839 the globe and their celebration every hour, it's I love it. 0:02:19.320 --> 0:02:21.720 You could literally just jump on a plane and follow 0:02:21.800 --> 0:02:27.680 your birthday around. Good idea. 0:02:29.160 --> 0:02:29.919 Past. 0:02:33.680 --> 0:02:38.840 Can you give my listeners and myself the little I 0:02:38.840 --> 0:02:41.360 guess elevator beach if we want to call it that 0:02:41.480 --> 0:02:43.320 elevator pitch of who is Dama GOWI? 0:02:44.680 --> 0:02:48.079 Yeah, So I'll summarize it with one phrase. I am 0:02:48.160 --> 0:02:52.160 Middle Eastern in my jeans and a global citizen in 0:02:52.160 --> 0:02:57.200 my spirit. So I was born in the Turkey, raised 0:02:57.280 --> 0:03:00.400 in Jordan. I moved to the US when I was twenty, 0:03:00.880 --> 0:03:04.400 and my world opened up for me with education and work. 0:03:04.919 --> 0:03:08.240 And I realized the more I connect with people just 0:03:08.360 --> 0:03:13.600 like yourself from all around the world, there's no boundaries 0:03:13.760 --> 0:03:17.560 or borders when we talk about us at a spiritual side, 0:03:18.280 --> 0:03:21.679 we're all global citizens, and I believe I am one 0:03:21.720 --> 0:03:23.440 of those global citizens. 0:03:24.280 --> 0:03:26.480 Did you I love that? I love that so much. 0:03:26.680 --> 0:03:29.320 Did you feel like you went to seek that. Did 0:03:29.360 --> 0:03:32.560 you expect to feel like that? Did you have a 0:03:32.600 --> 0:03:35.320 Middle Easting connection that we strongly took a bit of 0:03:35.440 --> 0:03:37.360 moving or how did that all unfold? 0:03:38.920 --> 0:03:42.720 Wow, that's such a good question. I never thought about 0:03:42.760 --> 0:03:46.560 how it unfolded. I feel that I did not fit 0:03:46.720 --> 0:03:50.840 in in any country I lived in and traveled to, 0:03:50.920 --> 0:03:53.440 and I lived in so many different countries. I didn't 0:03:53.480 --> 0:03:55.720 fit in the Middle East, I didn't fit in the US. 0:03:55.760 --> 0:03:58.360 I was always in the middle And when I started 0:03:58.360 --> 0:04:01.800 thinking about myself, I don't fit in because I believe 0:04:01.920 --> 0:04:04.600 my spirit is so much bigger than just be limited 0:04:04.640 --> 0:04:08.680 to borders of a country. That's when I felt, what 0:04:08.840 --> 0:04:11.440 for the first time, here I am. I fit in 0:04:11.720 --> 0:04:14.200 in the globe. I may not fit in in a 0:04:14.240 --> 0:04:18.359 specific geography. So that's how it started. 0:04:18.960 --> 0:04:20.800 I love that I just wrote down. I don't even 0:04:20.839 --> 0:04:22.800 know why. Maybe I'll ponder it later, but I just 0:04:22.839 --> 0:04:25.919 wrote down the sentence. Is there an end to fit? 0:04:26.320 --> 0:04:31.640 I was talking yesterday this week to Bill van Hippo 0:04:31.920 --> 0:04:38.040 and about evolution, and we were talking about that human 0:04:38.520 --> 0:04:43.359 drive to belong but also to paradoxically stand out, like 0:04:43.440 --> 0:04:45.960 we want to be special, but we also want to 0:04:46.000 --> 0:04:47.880 fit in, and it's such a paradox. 0:04:47.960 --> 0:04:52.840 He yes, it is. You know, it's nice to belong. 0:04:52.960 --> 0:04:55.320 I would love to feel that I belong to a 0:04:55.360 --> 0:05:01.159 specific group or community, but that also comes with the 0:05:01.279 --> 0:05:06.240 sense of conformity and also losing part of ourselves in 0:05:06.440 --> 0:05:10.360 order to fit in. So it is as society and 0:05:10.440 --> 0:05:13.000 as individuals, as a matter of finding the balance of 0:05:13.080 --> 0:05:17.599 how can we keep our individuals side and appreciate being 0:05:17.680 --> 0:05:21.719 a misfit, but at the same time discovering our value 0:05:22.080 --> 0:05:27.000 by being part of the bigger picture, bigger community. So 0:05:27.320 --> 0:05:29.680 in my situation, I felt as I was growing up 0:05:29.720 --> 0:05:32.360 in the Middle East, I was losing who I am, 0:05:32.520 --> 0:05:35.279 even though I was so young, because I had to 0:05:35.279 --> 0:05:39.440 fit in with what was the expectations and to follow 0:05:39.480 --> 0:05:42.919 and to obey, and because that was what was expected 0:05:42.960 --> 0:05:46.080 of me. And since I was growing up, I didn't 0:05:46.120 --> 0:05:48.640 have an identity. I didn't have a sense of self. 0:05:48.880 --> 0:05:52.440 I was part of the family. Any behavior I did 0:05:52.720 --> 0:05:56.040 reflected on the family. If I did well in school, 0:05:56.440 --> 0:06:00.400 great for the family. If I did a mistake for 0:06:00.480 --> 0:06:04.200 the family. So it was absolutely terrible because I never 0:06:04.680 --> 0:06:09.400 made a choice for me as dema, as an individual. 0:06:09.440 --> 0:06:12.000 It was always the fear and the worry about how 0:06:12.000 --> 0:06:15.400 it is going to be perceived by others. And when 0:06:15.440 --> 0:06:18.480 I came to the US, I sense the same thing 0:06:18.560 --> 0:06:22.080 as well. Where it is let's say, in a corporate environment, 0:06:22.240 --> 0:06:25.400 I am part of the bigger picture. Everything I did 0:06:25.480 --> 0:06:29.440 reflected on the bigger picture, so bigger like the culture 0:06:29.520 --> 0:06:33.400 work culture. So that's why I feel I am a misfit. 0:06:33.760 --> 0:06:36.719 I don't fit anywhere. I love it. It gave me 0:06:36.800 --> 0:06:40.000 the chance to discover my advantage. It gave me the 0:06:40.160 --> 0:06:44.400 chance to be able to discover who I am and 0:06:44.480 --> 0:06:47.680 not to try to conform just to be accepted by 0:06:47.720 --> 0:06:53.679 others and yes, there are consequences, but I'm okay with them. 0:06:54.000 --> 0:06:58.200 Oh, I love this conversation already. You talk about about 0:06:58.240 --> 0:06:59.960 breaking visis, Can you tell us? 0:07:01.200 --> 0:07:01.520 Yes? 0:07:01.800 --> 0:07:02.040 Yes. 0:07:02.560 --> 0:07:05.559 So I was five years old in my grandmother's home 0:07:05.880 --> 0:07:09.119 in Amman, the capital of Jordan in the Middle East. 0:07:09.680 --> 0:07:14.320 And she was such a fun grandmother. Always she had 0:07:14.360 --> 0:07:17.520 all kinds of games for me. But that specific day 0:07:17.720 --> 0:07:20.880 she was not fun. She was serious. And we were 0:07:21.000 --> 0:07:24.080 arranging flowers in a glass vase. She held a glass 0:07:24.160 --> 0:07:26.720 vase and looked at me in a very serious way, 0:07:26.760 --> 0:07:30.160 and she said, do you see this perfect glass vase? 0:07:30.640 --> 0:07:34.160 A girl is just like it. If it gets cracked 0:07:34.200 --> 0:07:36.760 for any reason, you can never fix it. You can 0:07:36.800 --> 0:07:41.200 never glue it back. It will always be seen as broken. 0:07:41.800 --> 0:07:45.440 And then she said, and who would want a broken vase? 0:07:45.840 --> 0:07:49.320 That's the one we throw in the trash. So I 0:07:49.360 --> 0:07:52.520 was five years old. I didn't understand what that meant. 0:07:52.560 --> 0:07:55.800 I didn't understand why my grandmother was so serious, and 0:07:55.840 --> 0:07:57.840 what is the meaning of a crack on the vase? 0:07:57.920 --> 0:08:02.239 And why why is she even telling me the story? 0:08:02.520 --> 0:08:05.240 But she was preparing me. She was preparing me to 0:08:05.280 --> 0:08:08.960 the expectations of the society that I have to be perfect. 0:08:09.400 --> 0:08:13.080 I have to worry about how I am being perceived 0:08:13.120 --> 0:08:15.600 by others. I have to do what I'm being told. 0:08:15.960 --> 0:08:18.320 Otherwise I would be thrown away and I would not 0:08:18.440 --> 0:08:24.000 be good enough. And that turned out to be my life. 0:08:24.760 --> 0:08:27.440 Did you carry that story with you or did you 0:08:27.640 --> 0:08:30.440 return back to it at some point, because that something 0:08:30.480 --> 0:08:34.520 that you that we stayed in your mind from that point. 0:08:34.960 --> 0:08:38.960 So that's so interesting because I don't remember. So I 0:08:39.040 --> 0:08:44.160 did not remember the exact story, but in my subconscious 0:08:44.240 --> 0:08:47.880 mind it was the messages were there. Isn't it interesting, 0:08:48.000 --> 0:08:51.040 Like we're told a story. I may not remember the 0:08:51.080 --> 0:08:55.600 words of the story or the specific image the metaphors 0:08:55.640 --> 0:08:58.480 she gave me. But I did end up living my 0:08:58.559 --> 0:09:02.040 life following, obeying, doing everything that I was told. I 0:09:02.080 --> 0:09:05.640 got married very young, when I was twenty, to a 0:09:05.720 --> 0:09:08.679 much older man, and then we moved together to San Diego. 0:09:08.840 --> 0:09:11.960 This is how I moved that to the US. And 0:09:12.440 --> 0:09:16.880 I was absolutely following the expectations of the vase. I 0:09:16.960 --> 0:09:21.120 was doing what was expected of me, how I was 0:09:22.080 --> 0:09:25.600 raised and what I was taught. But then that marriage 0:09:25.600 --> 0:09:28.840 turned out to be abusive, and I was so scared 0:09:28.920 --> 0:09:33.080 to leave. I was scared to even consider it, because 0:09:33.120 --> 0:09:35.240 even when I called my mom in Jordan and I 0:09:35.280 --> 0:09:38.439 told her, I'm not happy, like I'm so depressed. Imagine, 0:09:38.440 --> 0:09:43.120 I was early twenties, alone in the US, extremely depressed, 0:09:43.480 --> 0:09:48.080 not having an identity. But so when I told my mom, 0:09:48.120 --> 0:09:51.320 she said, oh, like, just have have kids, have kids, 0:09:51.360 --> 0:09:54.040 and then and then everything is going to be okay. 0:09:54.240 --> 0:09:57.280 Isn't that hilarious? Yeah? Like, is it bad marriage? Bring 0:09:57.360 --> 0:10:02.480 more kids to it. So so that was the moment 0:10:02.520 --> 0:10:07.120 where I started to question everything, to question the stories 0:10:07.160 --> 0:10:10.679 I was taught. And that's when I started remembering the metaphor. 0:10:11.000 --> 0:10:13.439 So even though I was living with it, the image 0:10:13.480 --> 0:10:16.280 of the vase started coming back to me. And I 0:10:16.320 --> 0:10:18.920 remember one day I was so depressed I couldn't even 0:10:18.960 --> 0:10:21.960 get out of bed. I was staring at the ceiling 0:10:22.040 --> 0:10:26.920 for hours and hours because I was feeling so hopeless. 0:10:27.160 --> 0:10:29.760 So I wanted to I wanted somebody to tell me 0:10:29.800 --> 0:10:32.560 what to do with my life. So I called my 0:10:32.640 --> 0:10:35.319 mom in Jordan. It was the middle of the week, 0:10:35.400 --> 0:10:37.840 and part of the marriage, I was not allowed to 0:10:37.880 --> 0:10:39.800 call my mom in the middle of the week. I 0:10:39.880 --> 0:10:42.560 was only allowed to call her fifteen minutes a week 0:10:43.360 --> 0:10:45.640 on a Saturday, and he had to be next to me, 0:10:46.080 --> 0:10:48.640 so I couldn't just talk to my mom. But that 0:10:48.840 --> 0:10:52.240 day I broke the rules. I bought a I had 0:10:52.280 --> 0:10:56.200 with me a phone card at that time, I used 0:10:56.240 --> 0:10:59.640 to buy them, and I called my mom and I 0:11:00.080 --> 0:11:02.880 couldn't get her, Like the phone just kept drinking, ringing, ringing. 0:11:02.960 --> 0:11:06.000 I couldn't get to my mom. So I called. I 0:11:06.080 --> 0:11:08.520 dial to speak to my best friend and I couldn't 0:11:08.559 --> 0:11:10.839 get her. I dial to speak to my uncle. I 0:11:10.840 --> 0:11:14.240 couldn't get him. And I was at the lowest point 0:11:14.320 --> 0:11:17.440 in my life, just hoping that somebody would tell me 0:11:17.720 --> 0:11:20.880 what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed 0:11:20.920 --> 0:11:22.880 to live my life? At that time, I was twenty 0:11:22.920 --> 0:11:28.640 four and at that moment, I even though I was 0:11:28.960 --> 0:11:34.120 feeling so terrible, I was on the floor crying. But 0:11:34.320 --> 0:11:37.240 I believe now it was the best thing ever, because 0:11:37.280 --> 0:11:40.280 that was the moment that made me realize that I 0:11:40.320 --> 0:11:44.800 have a choice. I can choose to continue to live 0:11:44.960 --> 0:11:49.040 to satisfy everybody around me and keep losing myself. And 0:11:49.120 --> 0:11:52.480 the worst part is to move the vase story and 0:11:52.559 --> 0:11:56.640 these other stories forward to the next generation and expect 0:11:56.679 --> 0:11:59.120 the same thing from them. Can you imagine how horrible 0:11:59.160 --> 0:12:02.440 that would be, or my other choice is to choose me, 0:12:03.400 --> 0:12:07.679 And just the idea that I have a choice, just 0:12:07.760 --> 0:12:11.440 the concept that was like a brand new concept in 0:12:11.480 --> 0:12:15.760 my life. That's when, as if a little crack in 0:12:15.800 --> 0:12:19.600 the vase was created, because that was like a whole 0:12:19.679 --> 0:12:23.000 new thing. I wasn't ready to leave or any of that, 0:12:23.480 --> 0:12:28.400 but just the idea was so empowering, and that's when 0:12:28.400 --> 0:12:31.360 I realized that I need to focus on my education. 0:12:31.600 --> 0:12:34.560 I need to be able to make money and be 0:12:35.000 --> 0:12:41.880 financially independent. There's a phrase in Arabic that says when 0:12:41.960 --> 0:12:45.679 jehan ud lam, and that means knowledge is light and 0:12:45.800 --> 0:12:49.719 ignorance is darkness. So imagine I was raised in a 0:12:49.760 --> 0:12:53.040 way in the darkness. The more I was kept ignorant, 0:12:53.080 --> 0:12:56.120 the more I was kept with fear and insecurities and 0:12:56.200 --> 0:12:59.720 worry about perfection, the more I was being controlled. But 0:12:59.760 --> 0:13:03.880 I needed knowledge and that was my only condition when 0:13:03.880 --> 0:13:06.640 we got married. So that's like from the beginning, since 0:13:06.679 --> 0:13:08.880 I met him, I said I wanted to be the 0:13:08.920 --> 0:13:13.680 first educated woman in my family, and he agreed, and 0:13:13.760 --> 0:13:17.360 thank goodness he agreed, because of course he has full 0:13:17.440 --> 0:13:21.280 power over my life. But he agreed and by getting 0:13:21.320 --> 0:13:27.840 the education and graduating and getting my diploma, that also 0:13:28.320 --> 0:13:32.319 created another crack in the vase because now I have 0:13:32.400 --> 0:13:36.760 my education, and knowledge is power, knowledge is light. And 0:13:36.800 --> 0:13:40.880 then around that time, his business wasn't doing well and 0:13:41.000 --> 0:13:43.920 usually he would not let me work because like again 0:13:44.040 --> 0:13:47.520 the control, but he needed help. He needed help financially 0:13:47.880 --> 0:13:52.720 and even with simple little things of paying utility bills, 0:13:53.240 --> 0:13:55.680 and he allowed me to work and it was such 0:13:55.720 --> 0:14:00.520 a blessing. So even though he was self serving his need, 0:14:01.200 --> 0:14:04.000 but at the same time, it reflected positively on me 0:14:04.080 --> 0:14:06.440 because it was I was able to find a job. 0:14:06.520 --> 0:14:10.280 I was working minimum wage as a teller, just ten 0:14:10.320 --> 0:14:16.400 hours a week, but that gave me some financial ability 0:14:16.440 --> 0:14:19.720 where I was making money. And then years later I 0:14:19.760 --> 0:14:22.560 got a better job, I started making more money, and 0:14:22.640 --> 0:14:25.400 that created another crack in the vase. So when we 0:14:25.440 --> 0:14:29.520 talk about my life and this vase, once I discovered 0:14:29.520 --> 0:14:31.440 that I have a choice, and by the way, I 0:14:31.480 --> 0:14:34.360 love on your website because you talk about the choice too, 0:14:34.640 --> 0:14:36.440 and I wrote it down. You have a choice of 0:14:36.520 --> 0:14:40.360 fighting or fleeing. And I fought, but I didn't fight 0:14:40.520 --> 0:14:46.160 by fighting physically or verbally. I fought by connecting internally 0:14:46.920 --> 0:14:51.880 getting my education, becoming financially independent, and then I escaped. 0:14:52.520 --> 0:14:56.280 By escaping that was not accepted by my family. That 0:14:56.600 --> 0:14:59.840 entire community in Jordan disowned me, and my father DI 0:15:00.000 --> 0:15:03.480 decided to have me killed because if a woman and 0:15:03.520 --> 0:15:04.400 it's still happening. 0:15:05.280 --> 0:15:13.920 WHOA Okay, but that's so horrible. Yeah, oh wow, okay. 0:15:14.560 --> 0:15:17.680 I was about to ask, that was so left field 0:15:17.680 --> 0:15:21.720 for me. I was about to ask, do you feel 0:15:21.800 --> 0:15:25.160 like at this at this point of I guess just 0:15:25.240 --> 0:15:29.560 before making these choices, you, when you look back, do 0:15:29.600 --> 0:15:34.000 you think that you were your your actions were derived 0:15:34.120 --> 0:15:39.480 from possibilities that you were aware of or could could 0:15:39.600 --> 0:15:43.440 see your dream up, or the pain of where you were, 0:15:43.680 --> 0:15:45.280 what you were in and that you just didn't want 0:15:45.280 --> 0:15:47.360 to be there, or an amalgamation of both. 0:15:50.120 --> 0:15:54.120 It was both. It was the pain of where I was, 0:15:54.520 --> 0:15:58.000 but it wasn't just the abuse of relationship. It was 0:15:58.480 --> 0:16:02.040 the depression that I was experiencing. So I was in 0:16:02.160 --> 0:16:05.520 such deep depression and every time I would think about 0:16:05.560 --> 0:16:09.000 the future, I would see total darkness. I would not 0:16:09.160 --> 0:16:12.120 have a hope that things are going to get better. 0:16:12.840 --> 0:16:15.680 But at the same time, whenever I looked at people 0:16:15.760 --> 0:16:19.040 around me, I would see that they had dreams and 0:16:19.120 --> 0:16:22.240 they were working towards them, and I would say to myself, 0:16:22.560 --> 0:16:25.760 I wish I can do that too. They were working 0:16:25.880 --> 0:16:28.880 hard to get promotion, and I knew that eventually I 0:16:28.920 --> 0:16:32.320 would not be allowed to work. They had dreams, maybe 0:16:32.320 --> 0:16:34.840 to work on their masters or to start a business, 0:16:34.880 --> 0:16:36.960 and I knew I would not be allowed to do that. 0:16:37.640 --> 0:16:41.480 So even though I had glimpses of things that I 0:16:41.480 --> 0:16:44.720 would hope I could do, I knew I wasn't allowed 0:16:44.800 --> 0:16:48.120 to in the future. So I had to block it. 0:16:48.680 --> 0:16:51.840 And that increased the depression that I was experiencing. So 0:16:51.880 --> 0:16:54.440 it's like a horrible cycle that was going on. 0:16:55.880 --> 0:16:57.520 What did you what were you studying? 0:16:57.680 --> 0:16:59.160 What did you choose the economics? 0:17:01.040 --> 0:17:07.600 So in the middle of that, you're experiencing depression, you're 0:17:07.640 --> 0:17:14.360 experiencing conditioning, cultural conditioning, and expectations and beliefs and biases 0:17:15.359 --> 0:17:23.240 and huge limitations, and you're experiencing shitty circumstances. How does 0:17:23.320 --> 0:17:26.280 one because I'm thinking of people listening, I'm thinking thinking 0:17:26.320 --> 0:17:29.320 of people who are wanting to do better or change 0:17:29.400 --> 0:17:32.399 or strive or be empowered. How in the middle of 0:17:32.440 --> 0:17:35.560 what could have only have been a pretty funky situation. 0:17:35.720 --> 0:17:39.600 Funky as in not great, funky as in crap? What 0:17:39.640 --> 0:17:43.840 did it take to in that state? Strive and get 0:17:43.880 --> 0:17:49.800 out of there and actually reach for possibility and make change. 0:17:50.920 --> 0:17:55.720 Wow. The first thing that helped me was to question 0:17:55.880 --> 0:17:59.879 the norm, because these stories were told early on, and 0:18:00.080 --> 0:18:03.040 they're so ingrained in our lives and in our head 0:18:03.600 --> 0:18:06.920 and many times we start doubting ourselves, thinking maybe there's 0:18:06.960 --> 0:18:09.600 something wrong with me. Why can't I be quiet like 0:18:09.720 --> 0:18:13.720 everybody else? Why can't I just be like everybody else? 0:18:14.000 --> 0:18:17.240 So the first thing I would tell everybody to start questioning, 0:18:17.680 --> 0:18:22.280 questioning the norm, questioning why you're doing certain things, even 0:18:22.440 --> 0:18:27.320 questioning the depression. The depression was an amazing teacher because 0:18:27.359 --> 0:18:30.080 it was teaching me that I did not fit in 0:18:30.080 --> 0:18:34.560 in that environment and I deserve something better. Of course, 0:18:34.640 --> 0:18:38.040 at that time, I cannot say yay, I'm depressed. It 0:18:38.240 --> 0:18:42.639 was terrible. It was horrible. But now when I look back, 0:18:42.800 --> 0:18:45.080 I don't think I would have done what I ended 0:18:45.160 --> 0:18:47.840 up doing, which is escape, if I did not have 0:18:47.920 --> 0:18:52.600 that depression. So questioning the norm and then also start 0:18:52.960 --> 0:18:56.359 start analyzing, what are the phases in your life? What 0:18:56.480 --> 0:18:59.560 are the stories that you've been told that have shaped 0:18:59.600 --> 0:19:04.040 you and shaped your decisions or maybe shaped your choices, 0:19:04.320 --> 0:19:07.560 but at the same time, think about the goals of 0:19:07.600 --> 0:19:11.159 the future. In my situation, what I wanted part of 0:19:11.200 --> 0:19:13.800 the goal was that I wanted to work on my 0:19:13.840 --> 0:19:16.680 master's and I wasn't allowed to do that. So all 0:19:16.760 --> 0:19:20.000 I started doing was envisioning myself with a cap and 0:19:20.119 --> 0:19:24.240 gown and I was walking to get my like my 0:19:24.320 --> 0:19:27.680 diploma for my masters, so that every time things got 0:19:27.720 --> 0:19:33.280 so bad, I would keep imagining that day. So imagine 0:19:33.280 --> 0:19:36.160 what the vase is, Imagine the dream of what you're 0:19:36.280 --> 0:19:39.520 trying to achieve, and start listening to the voice and 0:19:39.640 --> 0:19:43.000 our heads. Because most of the time we're not telling 0:19:43.080 --> 0:19:46.840 ourselves good things. So maybe what's wrong with me? I 0:19:46.880 --> 0:19:51.120 am not good enough, I'm going to fail, I'm going 0:19:51.160 --> 0:19:54.439 to regret this decision. All of these voices were in 0:19:54.480 --> 0:19:57.800 my head constantly, so it's a matter maybe write them down. 0:19:58.200 --> 0:20:01.520 Write down all these negative things that we tell ourselves, 0:20:01.840 --> 0:20:04.320 and then on a second column, write down what do 0:20:04.359 --> 0:20:07.480 you want to start telling yourself. Recently, I hired a 0:20:07.520 --> 0:20:09.679 coach and she's been helping me with this because this 0:20:09.800 --> 0:20:14.000 is something that I'm still dealing with until today that 0:20:14.040 --> 0:20:18.960 when the shame and the negative programming start in our 0:20:19.040 --> 0:20:23.560 life early on, even though we become in our forties, fifties, sixties, 0:20:23.800 --> 0:20:26.800 it's still playing in our head and it's still continue 0:20:26.840 --> 0:20:30.480 to make us small and push us down. So these 0:20:30.520 --> 0:20:32.880 are some of the things that I did. But in 0:20:32.920 --> 0:20:36.040 my situation, it wasn't just that I sat down and 0:20:36.080 --> 0:20:39.240 I said, Okay, what is my base, what are my thoughts, 0:20:39.240 --> 0:20:43.399 what is my vision? I just needed to get out 0:20:43.480 --> 0:20:45.800 because I just I knew I would not be able 0:20:45.880 --> 0:20:51.359 to survive in that environment anymore. And it's just sometimes 0:20:51.440 --> 0:20:55.360 when we make big decisions like this, the universe starts 0:20:55.440 --> 0:20:59.439 lining up for us. In my situation, I started meeting 0:20:59.480 --> 0:21:03.560 people that were helping me, my team and my team members. 0:21:03.920 --> 0:21:06.960 They discovered about what was going on and they started 0:21:07.560 --> 0:21:12.439 totally supporting me. So it's amazing how the community comes 0:21:12.440 --> 0:21:14.840 to us when we are in such a law and 0:21:15.400 --> 0:21:18.480 law place. But that's the time where we need to 0:21:18.560 --> 0:21:21.439 accept the help, which was so difficult for me to 0:21:21.480 --> 0:21:25.399 open ourselves and put our ego aside and be okay 0:21:25.440 --> 0:21:27.640 to accept as much help as we can. 0:21:29.040 --> 0:21:32.160 How did you cope with the transition of I think 0:21:32.160 --> 0:21:36.400 one of the hardest things when we choose change is 0:21:37.240 --> 0:21:42.399 the ecosystem around us created us that we are, and 0:21:42.480 --> 0:21:47.520 so we've chosen and been around certain types of people 0:21:47.600 --> 0:21:52.120 might be family, friends, work, colleagues, and we conform to that, 0:21:52.200 --> 0:21:54.280 and then we choose change in One of the biggest 0:21:54.480 --> 0:21:58.439 forms of pushback can be people not liking the change 0:21:58.520 --> 0:22:03.120 they see, and then sometimes the discomfort of either difficult 0:22:03.160 --> 0:22:08.159 conversations or breaking ties, or realizing that even walking away 0:22:08.240 --> 0:22:13.480 from non helpful situations or sometimes even toxic situations can 0:22:13.600 --> 0:22:17.840 still hurt or feel scary to us. How did you 0:22:17.920 --> 0:22:21.000 cope through those types of situations? 0:22:22.080 --> 0:22:25.120 Yeah, and that is part of the consequences. That's why 0:22:25.160 --> 0:22:28.679 most of us we don't take the right choice that 0:22:28.880 --> 0:22:32.719 serves us because we're afraid of people looking down at 0:22:32.800 --> 0:22:36.240 us or gossiping about us. In my situation, my entire 0:22:36.280 --> 0:22:40.920 community disowned me in Jordan. So it was very painful 0:22:41.359 --> 0:22:45.480 because initially like, these are people that I loved, these 0:22:45.520 --> 0:22:49.360 are family members that I respected, these are my friends, 0:22:49.800 --> 0:22:53.440 and to them I was not good enough. And it 0:22:53.560 --> 0:22:58.119 was extremely painful because to me it wasn't as at 0:22:58.160 --> 0:23:01.080 that time I was twenty five by the time I escaped, 0:23:01.119 --> 0:23:03.920 it was twenty five. It wasn't in a place where 0:23:03.920 --> 0:23:06.840 I would tell myself I made the right decision and 0:23:06.920 --> 0:23:12.280 they're wrong. I started blaming myself and thinking why did 0:23:12.320 --> 0:23:14.639 I do that? And I started getting all kinds of 0:23:14.720 --> 0:23:18.960 sense of shame and regret, initially because who would want 0:23:19.040 --> 0:23:24.719 to be thrown away like that? So yeah, so to 0:23:24.800 --> 0:23:27.800 me it was I guess my community made it easy, 0:23:27.840 --> 0:23:29.840 and they're all like, we're done, we don't want to 0:23:29.880 --> 0:23:33.560 deal with you. But for anybody that is listening to 0:23:33.600 --> 0:23:37.800 this and they're worried about the people's reaction, my advice 0:23:37.840 --> 0:23:41.240 to you is put yourself first. Listen to your intuition. 0:23:41.400 --> 0:23:44.080 If you're having a sense that you're not in the 0:23:44.160 --> 0:23:46.960 right place, if you are having a sense that you're 0:23:47.000 --> 0:23:50.199 not surrounded with the right people that are uplifting you, 0:23:50.320 --> 0:23:53.399 that believe in you, then why should we even worry 0:23:53.400 --> 0:23:55.720 about what they think? Right? 0:23:57.160 --> 0:24:00.960 If I got to ask you at t who is 0:24:01.080 --> 0:24:05.520 Dema at twenty? Yeah, at twenty years old? If you 0:24:05.880 --> 0:24:08.720 or if Dema asked herself at twenty who am I? 0:24:09.800 --> 0:24:11.119 What would that answer look like? 0:24:12.440 --> 0:24:20.240 Yeah? So I was a bride. I felt like Cinderella. 0:24:20.480 --> 0:24:24.520 I was getting married to the most eligible bachelor in 0:24:24.600 --> 0:24:28.320 our community who had tons of money, and we had 0:24:28.320 --> 0:24:33.080 this amazing wedding. At that time. Dima was the bride 0:24:33.400 --> 0:24:37.000 and then the wife of this person. Dima was the 0:24:37.160 --> 0:24:42.560 daughter of my father. Dima was the sister and sister 0:24:42.720 --> 0:24:47.120 for my siblings. But Dema was nobody as an individual. 0:24:47.200 --> 0:24:51.000 I was something for other people. I was defined by 0:24:51.040 --> 0:24:53.879 the family name. I was defined by my husband. I 0:24:53.960 --> 0:24:56.439 was defined by my father. That's why I was. 0:24:57.840 --> 0:24:59.879 And if I asked you today, who is. 0:25:02.119 --> 0:25:06.560