WEBVTT - The distributing truth about your ‘inner patriarch’

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome to Healthy Ish. Thanks for joining us on the

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<v Speaker 1>daily podcast and Body and Soul. I'm your host, Felicity Harley.

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<v Speaker 1>Meghan Dalla Kamina is a renowned expert in women's leadership.

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<v Speaker 1>She's founder of the Women Rising Leadership program, also the

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<v Speaker 1>name of her new book, Women Rising. She has an

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<v Speaker 1>impressive list of academic credentials, and today we're delving into

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<v Speaker 1>a concept from her book called Well the Inner Patriarch.

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<v Speaker 1>Have you heard of this before? It could be actually

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<v Speaker 1>impacting your well being, and she's going to talk about

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<v Speaker 1>how to redefine our inner stories. It's a very empowering episode.

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<v Speaker 1>Listening to Extra Healthyish as well. Couse Meghan is on

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<v Speaker 1>there and she discusses how your inner critic impacts your

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<v Speaker 1>future choices. You can search for extra healthysh she ever

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<v Speaker 1>get your podcasts. Meghan, Welcome to Healthish.

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<v Speaker 2>Thank you. I'm so happy to be here.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah. Well, firstly, thank you for your book, No congratulations,

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<v Speaker 1>thank you. I think there's words in there that, particularly

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<v Speaker 1>those of the female gender need to read and listen to.

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<v Speaker 2>Thank you for that, I hope so, I hope it serves.

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<v Speaker 1>Now we know about the patriarchy, but what's the deal

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<v Speaker 1>with the inner patriarchy and how does it impact how

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<v Speaker 1>can it impact our mental health and wellbeing.

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<v Speaker 2>So we hear about the patriarchy, you know, a world

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<v Speaker 2>the way that I describe it, a world that was

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<v Speaker 2>designed by and for men to succeed in that doesn't

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<v Speaker 2>just hurt women, that can also hurt men and all genders.

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<v Speaker 2>The inner patriarch, which we talk much less about, is

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<v Speaker 2>how we take that patriarchy that is outside of us

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<v Speaker 2>and internalize it, and how that internalized patriarchy becomes the

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<v Speaker 2>voice in our head and becomes the stories that we

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<v Speaker 2>tell ourselves that guide our life, all of our actions,

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<v Speaker 2>how we feel about ourselves, the choices that we make,

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<v Speaker 2>and those actions that we take or don't take.

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<v Speaker 1>I mean this is when I was reading this in

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<v Speaker 1>your book, it was almost like a light bulb because

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<v Speaker 1>I thought this, we are so many of us have

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<v Speaker 1>these the cycles of thought that feed into the inn patriarchy,

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<v Speaker 1>and we don't even realize and they are things like

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<v Speaker 1>as you write about shoulds and have two's and muss

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<v Speaker 1>unpacked the shoulds for us.

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<v Speaker 2>Yes, So I mean many of your listeners will have

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<v Speaker 2>heard this, like we should all over ourselves and how

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<v Speaker 2>many times a day. Are the things that you do

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<v Speaker 2>because you think you should do it, not because you

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<v Speaker 2>want to, not because you're called to do it, not

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<v Speaker 2>because you know your heart's longing to, you know, to

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<v Speaker 2>take a certain action, but because it's something that you

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<v Speaker 2>think you should do, whether that is because your parents

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<v Speaker 2>have told you to do it a partner, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>all of the gender special society, definitely people on social

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<v Speaker 2>media while they're doing it, so I should do it,

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<v Speaker 2>or I should be at this place by now, or

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<v Speaker 2>I should take that next job to get to you

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<v Speaker 2>know where I'm going to. And if we really start

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<v Speaker 2>to tune in to those inner narratives, you will be

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<v Speaker 2>shocked by how many shoulds are coming up for you

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<v Speaker 2>every single day, and how many of your choices are

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<v Speaker 2>being directed not because of what you want, but because

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<v Speaker 2>of what you think you should do. How do we.

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<v Speaker 1>Determine the difference between what we genuinely want to do

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<v Speaker 1>and what we feel we should do.

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<v Speaker 2>If we tune in to our bodies, which is harder

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<v Speaker 2>than it sounds. And by that I mean if you

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<v Speaker 2>can create some space, get quiet with yourself, and that

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<v Speaker 2>can be five minutes. It doesn't need to be three

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<v Speaker 2>hours in a cave, you know, in Himalayas, which I

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<v Speaker 2>just came back from, by the way, did I did?

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, let's book that.

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, you spend three hoursn't it?

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<v Speaker 1>How long did you spend in the cave?

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<v Speaker 2>Oh? Hours and hours? Yeah? And different places and different

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<v Speaker 2>caves in the Himalayas on pilgrimage.

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<v Speaker 1>Wow, Okay, that's a whole other point.

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<v Speaker 2>That's a whole other thing, right, we'll talk about that.

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<v Speaker 2>But it can be a short amount of time where

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<v Speaker 2>you just create some space between all of the business

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<v Speaker 2>and yourself and tune in, like what is it that

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<v Speaker 2>you really want? You will get a hit in your

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<v Speaker 2>body and you don't actually even have to do that

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<v Speaker 2>because you can be sitting in a meeting at work

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<v Speaker 2>and someone will say something and there's a gap in

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<v Speaker 2>between what they've said and your response where you will

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<v Speaker 2>feel when you are tuned in, that's the answer, and

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<v Speaker 2>often it's a no. And then what do we say, Sure,

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<v Speaker 2>I'd love to do that, I'd love to help out.

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<v Speaker 2>So we need to learn how to get quiet with ourselves,

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<v Speaker 2>how to trust the feelings that we get and the

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<v Speaker 2>thoughts that come up for us that are out side

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<v Speaker 2>of those projections or what everybody else wants for us.

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<v Speaker 1>And you know, a lot of your work is around

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<v Speaker 1>building confidence, because I think you know we know what

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<v Speaker 1>we want. We say sure, how do can we say no?

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<v Speaker 2>No? No is a skill on a practice, and so

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<v Speaker 2>often I hear women say, oh, I'm just not good

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<v Speaker 2>at saying no. One of the reasons we don't say

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<v Speaker 2>no is because we don't understand what's my agenda? What

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<v Speaker 2>is it that I want for myself, my life, my career,

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<v Speaker 2>my relationships, whatever it is. And when we haven't done

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<v Speaker 2>that work first, that clarity work, we don't know what

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<v Speaker 2>we're giving up, we don't want, we don't know what

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<v Speaker 2>we're sacrificing to do the thing that you ask over

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<v Speaker 2>the thing that I really want for myself. So building

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<v Speaker 2>clarity number one and then knowing how to set boundaries,

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<v Speaker 2>and that's the no. And one of the great tools

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<v Speaker 2>that I teach is learn how to respond, not react,

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<v Speaker 2>because so often we say yes. In the moment we

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<v Speaker 2>walk away and we go, oh, why did I say yes?

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<v Speaker 2>I really don't want to do that. I don't have time,

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<v Speaker 2>blah blah blah blah blah. And if you can learn

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<v Speaker 2>to pause, breathe, and have some standard answers like let

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<v Speaker 2>me get back to tomorrow. And that's a way of

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<v Speaker 2>saying no without saying no, And we can ease ourselves in,

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<v Speaker 2>soften it up, and build our muscle of doing what

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<v Speaker 2>we want over what other people want for us.

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<v Speaker 1>What about the hatos and musks? How do these impact

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<v Speaker 1>us and our wellbeing? Yeah?

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<v Speaker 2>Look, they can have such a negative impact on our wellbeing,

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<v Speaker 2>on all aspects, particularly our mental and our emotional wellbeing.

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<v Speaker 2>And that resentment builds. I think we've all felt it

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<v Speaker 2>where you know we're or that pressure that we put

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<v Speaker 2>on ourselves when we think I have to do this,

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<v Speaker 2>I must be like this, and we become this shell

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<v Speaker 2>of ourselves. And we talk a lot about authenticity, but

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<v Speaker 2>the shoulds mustn't have to's really what they're doing. They're

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<v Speaker 2>taking us away from our authentic selves and what we

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<v Speaker 2>feel most aligned to, and that builds, and it builds,

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<v Speaker 2>and it builds resentment, and it builds more negative self

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<v Speaker 2>talk that then stops us from doing the things that

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<v Speaker 2>we you know, that we really feel are the right

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<v Speaker 2>thing for us. And as we start to tune into

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<v Speaker 2>those stories that are happening inside of our minds all

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<v Speaker 2>the time. We have sixty thousand thoughts a day. We

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<v Speaker 2>start to tune in, we get to understand what is

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<v Speaker 2>actually going on, and then we can take steps to

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<v Speaker 2>start to tame that voice.

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<v Speaker 1>You talk about redefining our inner stories, how did you redefine? Well,

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<v Speaker 1>how have you done this? And well, other than God

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<v Speaker 1>into a cave in.

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<v Speaker 2>The frequently it's a good cave too, by the way,

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<v Speaker 2>like this has been a long process for me. I

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<v Speaker 2>didn't just wake up one morning and go, oh, it's

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<v Speaker 2>going to.

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<v Speaker 1>Run my stories today.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh, if only it were so, you know, for me,

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<v Speaker 2>this started about fifteen years ago when I was working

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<v Speaker 2>in corporate, really felt like I'd come to the end

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<v Speaker 2>of my journey in corporate, but never thought I'd do

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<v Speaker 2>anything else, and also single mom, financial responsibility for my kid,

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<v Speaker 2>and having to unravel why I was still on this

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<v Speaker 2>same path when really I wanted to have a path

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<v Speaker 2>over there, you know, running my own business and doing

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<v Speaker 2>work in the women's space. So that's when I was starting.

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<v Speaker 2>I was doing my master's degree positive psychology, really starting

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<v Speaker 2>to get into what's actually going on, what's driving my actions,

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<v Speaker 2>and that's when it was like, oh, it's a voice

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<v Speaker 2>inside your head. So the stories you're telling yourself. Okay, great,

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<v Speaker 2>let's start to detangle and unravel from those stories. And

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<v Speaker 2>then just more work, more research, more work, more research,

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<v Speaker 2>doing my own work, coaching thousands of women, you know

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<v Speaker 2>around this. I get to a place now where I

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<v Speaker 2>can hear the stories really quickly and move through it.

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<v Speaker 2>But it takes time, like we have to again build

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<v Speaker 2>the skill for how do we recognize the story?

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<v Speaker 1>So you're much better for it. Do you have anything

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<v Speaker 1>like a daily practice that you do that, Yeah, to

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<v Speaker 1>make sure you're well still fine tuning it.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, absolutely, So. Meditation is incredibly important. And again it

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<v Speaker 2>can be five minutes. Like people don't freak out. You're

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<v Speaker 2>not meant to dissolve all of the thoughts in your

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<v Speaker 2>mind when you sit to meditate. Just keep coming back

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<v Speaker 2>to your breath. And then the really quick three step

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<v Speaker 2>process that everyone can follow around their stories. Number one,

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<v Speaker 2>start to catch the stories. Just really start to notice

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<v Speaker 2>and write them down. Oh, I was in that meeting.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm not smart and to speak. That's a story. So

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<v Speaker 2>step one. Step two is that true. Stick it on

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<v Speaker 2>a post it note, put it on the app in

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<v Speaker 2>your phone and continually remind yourself to question your stories,

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<v Speaker 2>interrupt that pattern of cognitive dissonance so that you can

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<v Speaker 2>then get to step three, which is reframe the story.

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<v Speaker 2>How do I create a better story for myself? Like

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<v Speaker 2>it's that simple, and it's that difficult because you have

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<v Speaker 2>to do that work. But once you really start to

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<v Speaker 2>work that process, you will be amazed at the control

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<v Speaker 2>you start to have over your mind.

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<v Speaker 1>And that's what we want. More control, that's what we want.

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<v Speaker 1>Down with the patriarchy. I probably shouldn't say that down

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<v Speaker 1>with the inner patriarchy, you can say that. Megan, thank

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<v Speaker 1>you for coming on Healthy You.

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<v Speaker 2>Thank you so much.

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<v Speaker 1>Hey, thanks for tuning into this chat with Megan. Very inspiring,

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<v Speaker 1>isn't she. Her new book is called Women Rising and

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<v Speaker 1>it is at now and make sure you jump on

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<v Speaker 1>her site and take her inner critic quiz all able

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<v Speaker 1>linked to that in the show notes. We're talking about

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<v Speaker 1>that an extra healthy ish as well. For anything else,

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<v Speaker 1>head to Body and Soul dot com dot you follow

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<v Speaker 1>us on socials. You can DM me at Felicity Harley

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<v Speaker 1>if you have any feedback, grab our print edition which

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<v Speaker 1>is out in your local Sunday paper and until tomorrow,

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<v Speaker 1>Stay healthy ish