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Speaker 1: Welcome to Healthy Ish. Thanks for joining us on the

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Speaker 1: daily podcast and Body and Soul. I'm your host, Felicity Harley.

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Speaker 1: Meghan Dalla Kamina is a renowned expert in women's leadership.

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Speaker 1: She's founder of the Women Rising Leadership program, also the

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Speaker 1: name of her new book, Women Rising. She has an

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Speaker 1: impressive list of academic credentials, and today we're delving into

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Speaker 1: a concept from her book called Well the Inner Patriarch.

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Speaker 1: Have you heard of this before? It could be actually

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Speaker 1: impacting your well being, and she's going to talk about

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Speaker 1: how to redefine our inner stories. It's a very empowering episode.

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Speaker 1: Listening to Extra Healthyish as well. Couse Meghan is on

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Speaker 1: there and she discusses how your inner critic impacts your

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Speaker 1: future choices. You can search for extra healthysh she ever

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Speaker 1: get your podcasts. Meghan, Welcome to Healthish.

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Speaker 2: Thank you. I'm so happy to be here.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. Well, firstly, thank you for your book, No congratulations,

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Speaker 1: thank you. I think there's words in there that, particularly

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Speaker 1: those of the female gender need to read and listen to.

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Speaker 2: Thank you for that, I hope so, I hope it serves.

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Speaker 1: Now we know about the patriarchy, but what's the deal

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Speaker 1: with the inner patriarchy and how does it impact how

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Speaker 1: can it impact our mental health and wellbeing.

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Speaker 2: So we hear about the patriarchy, you know, a world

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Speaker 2: the way that I describe it, a world that was

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Speaker 2: designed by and for men to succeed in that doesn't

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Speaker 2: just hurt women, that can also hurt men and all genders.

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Speaker 2: The inner patriarch, which we talk much less about, is

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Speaker 2: how we take that patriarchy that is outside of us

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Speaker 2: and internalize it, and how that internalized patriarchy becomes the

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Speaker 2: voice in our head and becomes the stories that we

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Speaker 2: tell ourselves that guide our life, all of our actions,

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Speaker 2: how we feel about ourselves, the choices that we make,

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Speaker 2: and those actions that we take or don't take.

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Speaker 1: I mean this is when I was reading this in

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Speaker 1: your book, it was almost like a light bulb because

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Speaker 1: I thought this, we are so many of us have

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Speaker 1: these the cycles of thought that feed into the inn patriarchy,

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Speaker 1: and we don't even realize and they are things like

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Speaker 1: as you write about shoulds and have two's and muss

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Speaker 1: unpacked the shoulds for us.

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Speaker 2: Yes, So I mean many of your listeners will have

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Speaker 2: heard this, like we should all over ourselves and how

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Speaker 2: many times a day. Are the things that you do

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Speaker 2: because you think you should do it, not because you

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Speaker 2: want to, not because you're called to do it, not

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Speaker 2: because you know your heart's longing to, you know, to

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Speaker 2: take a certain action, but because it's something that you

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Speaker 2: think you should do, whether that is because your parents

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Speaker 2: have told you to do it a partner, you know,

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Speaker 2: all of the gender special society, definitely people on social

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Speaker 2: media while they're doing it, so I should do it,

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Speaker 2: or I should be at this place by now, or

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Speaker 2: I should take that next job to get to you

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Speaker 2: know where I'm going to. And if we really start

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Speaker 2: to tune in to those inner narratives, you will be

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Speaker 2: shocked by how many shoulds are coming up for you

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Speaker 2: every single day, and how many of your choices are

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Speaker 2: being directed not because of what you want, but because

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Speaker 2: of what you think you should do. How do we.

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Speaker 1: Determine the difference between what we genuinely want to do

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Speaker 1: and what we feel we should do.

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Speaker 2: If we tune in to our bodies, which is harder

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Speaker 2: than it sounds. And by that I mean if you

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Speaker 2: can create some space, get quiet with yourself, and that

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Speaker 2: can be five minutes. It doesn't need to be three

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Speaker 2: hours in a cave, you know, in Himalayas, which I

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Speaker 2: just came back from, by the way, did I did?

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Speaker 1: Okay, let's book that.

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Speaker 2: Okay, you spend three hoursn't it?

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Speaker 1: How long did you spend in the cave?

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Speaker 2: Oh? Hours and hours? Yeah? And different places and different

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Speaker 2: caves in the Himalayas on pilgrimage.

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Speaker 1: Wow, Okay, that's a whole other point.

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Speaker 2: That's a whole other thing, right, we'll talk about that.

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Speaker 2: But it can be a short amount of time where

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Speaker 2: you just create some space between all of the business

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Speaker 2: and yourself and tune in, like what is it that

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Speaker 2: you really want? You will get a hit in your

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Speaker 2: body and you don't actually even have to do that

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Speaker 2: because you can be sitting in a meeting at work

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Speaker 2: and someone will say something and there's a gap in

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Speaker 2: between what they've said and your response where you will

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Speaker 2: feel when you are tuned in, that's the answer, and

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Speaker 2: often it's a no. And then what do we say, Sure,

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Speaker 2: I'd love to do that, I'd love to help out.

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Speaker 2: So we need to learn how to get quiet with ourselves,

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Speaker 2: how to trust the feelings that we get and the

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Speaker 2: thoughts that come up for us that are out side

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Speaker 2: of those projections or what everybody else wants for us.

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Speaker 1: And you know, a lot of your work is around

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Speaker 1: building confidence, because I think you know we know what

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Speaker 1: we want. We say sure, how do can we say no?

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Speaker 2: No? No is a skill on a practice, and so

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Speaker 2: often I hear women say, oh, I'm just not good

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Speaker 2: at saying no. One of the reasons we don't say

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Speaker 2: no is because we don't understand what's my agenda? What

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Speaker 2: is it that I want for myself, my life, my career,

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Speaker 2: my relationships, whatever it is. And when we haven't done

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Speaker 2: that work first, that clarity work, we don't know what

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Speaker 2: we're giving up, we don't want, we don't know what

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Speaker 2: we're sacrificing to do the thing that you ask over

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Speaker 2: the thing that I really want for myself. So building

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Speaker 2: clarity number one and then knowing how to set boundaries,

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Speaker 2: and that's the no. And one of the great tools

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Speaker 2: that I teach is learn how to respond, not react,

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Speaker 2: because so often we say yes. In the moment we

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Speaker 2: walk away and we go, oh, why did I say yes?

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Speaker 2: I really don't want to do that. I don't have time,

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Speaker 2: blah blah blah blah blah. And if you can learn

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Speaker 2: to pause, breathe, and have some standard answers like let

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Speaker 2: me get back to tomorrow. And that's a way of

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Speaker 2: saying no without saying no, And we can ease ourselves in,

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Speaker 2: soften it up, and build our muscle of doing what

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Speaker 2: we want over what other people want for us.

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Speaker 1: What about the hatos and musks? How do these impact

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Speaker 1: us and our wellbeing? Yeah?

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Speaker 2: Look, they can have such a negative impact on our wellbeing,

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Speaker 2: on all aspects, particularly our mental and our emotional wellbeing.

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Speaker 2: And that resentment builds. I think we've all felt it

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Speaker 2: where you know we're or that pressure that we put

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Speaker 2: on ourselves when we think I have to do this,

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Speaker 2: I must be like this, and we become this shell

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Speaker 2: of ourselves. And we talk a lot about authenticity, but

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Speaker 2: the shoulds mustn't have to's really what they're doing. They're

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Speaker 2: taking us away from our authentic selves and what we

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Speaker 2: feel most aligned to, and that builds, and it builds,

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Speaker 2: and it builds resentment, and it builds more negative self

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Speaker 2: talk that then stops us from doing the things that

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Speaker 2: we you know, that we really feel are the right

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Speaker 2: thing for us. And as we start to tune into

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Speaker 2: those stories that are happening inside of our minds all

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Speaker 2: the time. We have sixty thousand thoughts a day. We

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Speaker 2: start to tune in, we get to understand what is

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Speaker 2: actually going on, and then we can take steps to

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Speaker 2: start to tame that voice.

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Speaker 1: You talk about redefining our inner stories, how did you redefine? Well,

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Speaker 1: how have you done this? And well, other than God

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Speaker 1: into a cave in.

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Speaker 2: The frequently it's a good cave too, by the way,

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Speaker 2: like this has been a long process for me. I

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Speaker 2: didn't just wake up one morning and go, oh, it's

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Speaker 2: going to.

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Speaker 1: Run my stories today.

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Speaker 2: Oh, if only it were so, you know, for me,

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Speaker 2: this started about fifteen years ago when I was working

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Speaker 2: in corporate, really felt like I'd come to the end

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Speaker 2: of my journey in corporate, but never thought I'd do

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Speaker 2: anything else, and also single mom, financial responsibility for my kid,

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Speaker 2: and having to unravel why I was still on this

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Speaker 2: same path when really I wanted to have a path

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Speaker 2: over there, you know, running my own business and doing

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Speaker 2: work in the women's space. So that's when I was starting.

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Speaker 2: I was doing my master's degree positive psychology, really starting

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Speaker 2: to get into what's actually going on, what's driving my actions,

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Speaker 2: and that's when it was like, oh, it's a voice

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Speaker 2: inside your head. So the stories you're telling yourself. Okay, great,

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Speaker 2: let's start to detangle and unravel from those stories. And

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Speaker 2: then just more work, more research, more work, more research,

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Speaker 2: doing my own work, coaching thousands of women, you know

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Speaker 2: around this. I get to a place now where I

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Speaker 2: can hear the stories really quickly and move through it.

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Speaker 2: But it takes time, like we have to again build

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Speaker 2: the skill for how do we recognize the story?

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Speaker 1: So you're much better for it. Do you have anything

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Speaker 1: like a daily practice that you do that, Yeah, to

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Speaker 1: make sure you're well still fine tuning it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely, So. Meditation is incredibly important. And again it

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Speaker 2: can be five minutes. Like people don't freak out. You're

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Speaker 2: not meant to dissolve all of the thoughts in your

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Speaker 2: mind when you sit to meditate. Just keep coming back

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Speaker 2: to your breath. And then the really quick three step

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Speaker 2: process that everyone can follow around their stories. Number one,

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Speaker 2: start to catch the stories. Just really start to notice

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Speaker 2: and write them down. Oh, I was in that meeting.

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Speaker 2: I'm not smart and to speak. That's a story. So

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Speaker 2: step one. Step two is that true. Stick it on

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Speaker 2: a post it note, put it on the app in

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Speaker 2: your phone and continually remind yourself to question your stories,

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Speaker 2: interrupt that pattern of cognitive dissonance so that you can

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Speaker 2: then get to step three, which is reframe the story.

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Speaker 2: How do I create a better story for myself? Like

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Speaker 2: it's that simple, and it's that difficult because you have

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Speaker 2: to do that work. But once you really start to

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Speaker 2: work that process, you will be amazed at the control

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Speaker 2: you start to have over your mind.

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Speaker 1: And that's what we want. More control, that's what we want.

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Speaker 1: Down with the patriarchy. I probably shouldn't say that down

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Speaker 1: with the inner patriarchy, you can say that. Megan, thank

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Speaker 1: you for coming on Healthy You.

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Speaker 2: Thank you so much.

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Speaker 1: Hey, thanks for tuning into this chat with Megan. Very inspiring,

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Speaker 1: isn't she. Her new book is called Women Rising and

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Speaker 1: it is at now and make sure you jump on

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Speaker 1: her site and take her inner critic quiz all able

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Speaker 1: linked to that in the show notes. We're talking about

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Speaker 1: that an extra healthy ish as well. For anything else,

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Speaker 1: head to Body and Soul dot com dot you follow

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Speaker 1: us on socials. You can DM me at Felicity Harley

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Speaker 1: if you have any feedback, grab our print edition which

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Speaker 1: is out in your local Sunday paper and until tomorrow,

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Speaker 1: Stay healthy ish