WEBVTT - Outta Control 0:00:06.200 --> 0:00:12.440 Hi, it's podcast time for Show and Tell. It's Mala Monty. Welcome. 0:00:12.880 --> 0:00:14.640 Hello everyone, How are you. 0:00:16.040 --> 0:00:16.320 Good? 0:00:16.720 --> 0:00:16.959 Good? 0:00:17.239 --> 0:00:17.520 Good? 0:00:17.720 --> 0:00:18.000 Good? 0:00:18.600 --> 0:00:22.680 Answering for everyone, it is Mela Monte. Thanks for listening. 0:00:22.920 --> 0:00:26.200 I hope you're great. Hey, I want to play. I 0:00:26.280 --> 0:00:29.400 want to start off with something. Now we've nearly forgotten 0:00:29.520 --> 0:00:31.960 your facts. You've got to start with the fact every time. 0:00:32.000 --> 0:00:34.760 And I realized last episode we didn't. I know. 0:00:35.120 --> 0:00:39.960 Well, this is a real quickie. Beetlejuice the movie. Yeah, 0:00:40.040 --> 0:00:42.159 one of my old time favorite. It's a great movie. 0:00:42.400 --> 0:00:45.879 Do you know despite playing the title role of Beetlejuice himself, 0:00:46.080 --> 0:00:49.080 Michael Keaton only had seventeen minutes of screen time in 0:00:49.080 --> 0:00:49.760 that whole movie. 0:00:50.000 --> 0:00:55.760 Really hazy, that is so amazing. I re ah, yeah, random, 0:00:55.880 --> 0:00:59.360 I reckon. I've only seen Beetlejuice maybe once. I don't 0:00:59.360 --> 0:01:00.920 even know if I've seen it all the way through. 0:01:01.320 --> 0:01:03.280 That is a sit down and watch with the kids. 0:01:03.640 --> 0:01:07.000 Speaking of that, I have been begging my daughter for 0:01:07.120 --> 0:01:09.880 years to sit down and watch Empire Records with me. 0:01:10.040 --> 0:01:12.480 Oh my god, my favorite movie or when I was 0:01:12.520 --> 0:01:16.959 growing up, my favorite movie Orange. I got Orange. I 0:01:17.040 --> 0:01:18.440 love it so much. 0:01:18.880 --> 0:01:23.200 Well, I kept assuring her it hasn't dated, it'll be 0:01:23.280 --> 0:01:27.160 so good. It has dated all the day. I mean, 0:01:27.200 --> 0:01:30.240 it's still great, but there's bits where I'm like, oh, 0:01:30.319 --> 0:01:33.319 I remember that dialogue being so much better, and watching 0:01:33.360 --> 0:01:35.560 it now I'm like, h is it a bit cringey? 0:01:35.840 --> 0:01:38.039 Oh my god, it's so. It's why you're almost better 0:01:38.080 --> 0:01:40.800 off not going back and rewatching them Rex Morris Day 0:01:40.880 --> 0:01:44.840 and I still remember livet oh Rex Manning. I still 0:01:44.880 --> 0:01:48.480 remember Liv Tyler's undies, like the daggy undies she had 0:01:48.520 --> 0:01:52.480 when you got her down, so staggy daggy. I remember 0:01:52.480 --> 0:01:55.520 thinking she's better undies, but that showed her character. She 0:01:55.640 --> 0:01:57.320 was just a bit of a talk true. 0:01:57.440 --> 0:01:57.880 True. 0:01:58.200 --> 0:02:01.440 So that's so cute. Well, okay, interesting beetlejuice fact. There 0:02:01.440 --> 0:02:04.840 you go. Yeah, absolutely, no way to seguay to the 0:02:04.840 --> 0:02:07.200 next thing, which is about friendship. I wanted to. This 0:02:07.280 --> 0:02:10.080 came up in my Instagram feed the other day and 0:02:10.120 --> 0:02:13.840 I was like, oh, that's really interesting because it's so true. 0:02:13.919 --> 0:02:17.920 So Amy Poehler was sitting down and doing a podcast 0:02:17.960 --> 0:02:21.360 with Katherine Hahn. So Catherine is a comedian. She was 0:02:21.400 --> 0:02:25.080 in parks and recreation a bucket load of other stuff 0:02:25.120 --> 0:02:29.160 as well. But they were talking about friendships and the 0:02:29.200 --> 0:02:33.120 importance of female friendships, so I wanted to play you this. 0:02:33.520 --> 0:02:35.400 Out of female friendships importantly you what do they do 0:02:35.520 --> 0:02:35.720 for you? 0:02:36.080 --> 0:02:38.920 I think that the real female friends that I have, 0:02:39.000 --> 0:02:41.440 the deep ones, are fewer than I thought I would have, 0:02:41.800 --> 0:02:45.400 like the ones that are really you know, have your 0:02:45.520 --> 0:02:50.079 back through anything, And there's a difference like these. It's 0:02:50.160 --> 0:02:55.639 so important to have women in your life that aren't family, 0:02:56.240 --> 0:03:01.120 to grow old with in a way that it's, like 0:03:01.160 --> 0:03:05.360 you said, feels very honest and also hilarious, but also 0:03:05.600 --> 0:03:09.040 doesn't feel like we have to keep up anything together, 0:03:09.120 --> 0:03:12.080 like keep up any sort of like front. It just 0:03:12.080 --> 0:03:15.800 feels like and also very affirming, like to walk into 0:03:15.800 --> 0:03:17.040 these next chapters together. 0:03:17.080 --> 0:03:21.160 It just feels like it's not as terrifying. Yeah, I 0:03:21.200 --> 0:03:24.080 loved that. I also thought of you during it, because 0:03:24.080 --> 0:03:26.400 I know your sister's your main person. So when she 0:03:26.480 --> 0:03:29.880 said you need people outside of your family, are you like, 0:03:30.760 --> 0:03:31.560 don't know about that? 0:03:32.200 --> 0:03:35.160 I feel like my sister is absolutely my very best 0:03:35.160 --> 0:03:36.760 friend out of everybody in the world. 0:03:37.320 --> 0:03:38.800 So beautiful. Yeah. 0:03:39.600 --> 0:03:42.000 I think the thing is I've always got like seven 0:03:42.080 --> 0:03:43.920 things I'm thinking and I don't know which point to 0:03:43.920 --> 0:03:49.480 get to first. I feel like I think beautiful friendships 0:03:49.520 --> 0:03:52.400 will always like you have each other's back, you want 0:03:52.400 --> 0:03:54.840 the best for each other. But I trust her in 0:03:54.880 --> 0:03:58.200 a way that I could never trust a friend. I 0:03:58.240 --> 0:04:02.840 have a feeling like she always always wants the best 0:04:02.880 --> 0:04:06.560 for me. She will give me hard advice even if 0:04:06.600 --> 0:04:09.200 it's going to hurt my feelings, and I know that 0:04:09.240 --> 0:04:14.600 there's no other factor there. It's all love, right. 0:04:14.760 --> 0:04:15.240 Yeah. 0:04:15.320 --> 0:04:17.479 I do remember saying that to Stace once, and she 0:04:17.560 --> 0:04:19.320 said to me, because I was saying how I feel 0:04:19.360 --> 0:04:22.200 guilty that I haven't given my daughter that experience because 0:04:22.200 --> 0:04:25.120 it's been so important to me. But she said to me, 0:04:25.400 --> 0:04:29.520 but that's like Katie and Monty and I are like that, 0:04:29.520 --> 0:04:33.880 That's what it's like. It's just you don't know the difference. Yes, 0:04:34.000 --> 0:04:36.320 you know what I mean, like the sister, you're seeing 0:04:36.320 --> 0:04:39.680 it through that lens. But when you don't have a sister, yes, 0:04:40.240 --> 0:04:42.760 or you're not super close to your sister or whatever, 0:04:43.480 --> 0:04:46.560 you find that in friendship. Yeah, right, And I thought 0:04:46.600 --> 0:04:49.600 that's probably so true, Like I've never let myself completely 0:04:49.640 --> 0:04:51.360 be open to that, yes. 0:04:51.279 --> 0:04:54.040 Just because you've always had your sister there. So Stacy 0:04:54.080 --> 0:04:56.719 and I, well, I did have sisters, though Stacey didn't 0:04:56.720 --> 0:05:00.720 have sisters, she only had brothers. But my older sister 0:05:00.760 --> 0:05:04.040 and I were never close, and our relationship has formed 0:05:04.480 --> 0:05:09.120 because of the bond over our boys. But Stacy was 0:05:09.560 --> 0:05:14.760 always and is always my Like, I know, there's nothing 0:05:14.760 --> 0:05:17.480 in the world I couldn't do that I could do 0:05:17.640 --> 0:05:20.200 where she would turn her back on me. Like I 0:05:20.200 --> 0:05:22.760 feel like even if I fucked her husband, she'd go, well, 0:05:22.839 --> 0:05:25.160 that was a shit thing to do, and she'd still 0:05:25.200 --> 0:05:29.120 be there, Like I feel how you think about your sister, 0:05:29.320 --> 0:05:32.560 about her hands down, and the same the hard advice, 0:05:33.200 --> 0:05:35.480 the tough advice, so like you're being a dickhead, pull 0:05:35.520 --> 0:05:39.520 your head in, or like there's never an ounce of 0:05:39.600 --> 0:05:43.279 jealousy between us. It's pure celebration for each other. 0:05:43.440 --> 0:05:48.279 Yes, Also, like you and Stacy are very different, very different, 0:05:48.520 --> 0:05:52.479 which makes it even the connection even better because there 0:05:52.600 --> 0:05:54.560 is no not that there would be Like if she 0:05:54.640 --> 0:05:56.760 wanted to get into radio or whatever, I don't think 0:05:56.800 --> 0:05:58.880 there'd be competition, but it would be maybe a little 0:05:58.920 --> 0:06:00.200 bit more complicated. 0:06:00.440 --> 0:06:05.480 Yeah, you're probably right. Yeah, we've always had different Yeah, 0:06:05.520 --> 0:06:08.159 I guess interests and stuff. I mean, we created a 0:06:08.160 --> 0:06:11.520 business together, but we had extremely separate roles, but we 0:06:11.600 --> 0:06:14.880 never shit each other either. When she's quite amazing, it's 0:06:15.000 --> 0:06:17.880 like I can't remember the last time where I'm like, 0:06:17.920 --> 0:06:22.680 you're fucking annoying, Like it's quite It is a really 0:06:23.000 --> 0:06:25.400 rare relationship, I think. 0:06:25.480 --> 0:06:28.719 And I think maybe one of those things is because 0:06:28.800 --> 0:06:33.200 it was formed in childhood. Yeah, so if you know 0:06:33.400 --> 0:06:35.520 all that shit about each other, you know how to 0:06:35.600 --> 0:06:38.440 operate with each other. She knows when to pull back 0:06:38.480 --> 0:06:41.320 and give you space. You know when to do the 0:06:41.360 --> 0:06:45.279 same for her. It's like, yeah, totally like sisters, really. 0:06:45.080 --> 0:06:47.240 Totally, And that's what we've always said. It's like we 0:06:47.360 --> 0:06:49.839 are like, you know, I've always been her sister that 0:06:49.920 --> 0:06:53.159 she's never had, and she's always been like a sister 0:06:53.240 --> 0:06:55.800 to me. I think a lot of people do have 0:06:56.240 --> 0:06:58.680 beautiful friendships like that. I also feel like there's a 0:06:58.720 --> 0:07:01.760 lot of females that don't. And I always feel sad 0:07:01.839 --> 0:07:05.000 for people who don't have that close friend or they'll 0:07:05.040 --> 0:07:07.320 be like, oh, this is you know, especially when we 0:07:07.360 --> 0:07:09.039 were a bit younger, this is my best friend, and 0:07:09.080 --> 0:07:11.440 then you realize they met six months ago. You know, 0:07:11.600 --> 0:07:15.680 it's like just to have those really deep, long friendships 0:07:15.920 --> 0:07:19.240 and I don't have friendships from like primary school. Like 0:07:19.280 --> 0:07:21.640 I'm still friendly with some like if I saw them, 0:07:21.680 --> 0:07:23.520 it would be lovely, but I don't keep in touch. 0:07:23.800 --> 0:07:26.160 I know my oldest friend, we were friends from our 0:07:26.200 --> 0:07:29.119 parents when we were like six years old. I'm still 0:07:29.200 --> 0:07:33.160 really good friends with her. But yeah, Stace and I 0:07:33.200 --> 0:07:35.680 were sixteen when we became buddies, and it was like 0:07:35.760 --> 0:07:39.560 that crucial age where we were navigating you know, boys 0:07:39.840 --> 0:07:44.080 and having sex for the first time and you know, 0:07:44.200 --> 0:07:46.560 all of that kind of stuff. And Stace was always 0:07:46.560 --> 0:07:50.480 my moral compass, Like I feel like compass. I feel 0:07:50.520 --> 0:07:53.600 like without her, I don't know where I would have gone, 0:07:53.960 --> 0:07:55.160 to be honest, And. 0:07:55.160 --> 0:07:57.360 I feel the same way about my sister. But the 0:07:57.560 --> 0:08:04.680 beauty with Stace as well day appreciation. But she does 0:08:04.720 --> 0:08:08.120 have a very strong moral compass, but it doesn't feel 0:08:08.160 --> 0:08:10.520 like it's in a judgy way. And she will give 0:08:10.600 --> 0:08:13.040 you her opinion and tell you what she think thinks 0:08:13.080 --> 0:08:14.920 is best, but she'll support you if you go the 0:08:14.960 --> 0:08:16.280 other way as well totally. 0:08:16.560 --> 0:08:19.480 But usually you'll find her opinion is right too. That's 0:08:19.520 --> 0:08:22.240 what I've always know. Oh, what you think can say 0:08:22.400 --> 0:08:25.680 is usually right. She's very wise. Yes, so it was 0:08:25.680 --> 0:08:28.160 always like she was the mature one, and I would 0:08:28.160 --> 0:08:29.920 try and corrupt her a bit, but I was like, 0:08:30.520 --> 0:08:32.480 never has she had a cigarette or anything like that. 0:08:33.040 --> 0:08:35.240 I'll never do that. And even you know when kids 0:08:35.240 --> 0:08:38.720 are smoking and stuff, you experiment, no chance, just like no, 0:08:39.080 --> 0:08:42.320 so unapologetically her. So I think that I got confidence 0:08:42.360 --> 0:08:45.920 from her as well, which I think is important in 0:08:45.960 --> 0:08:49.079 female friendships as well. But I also agree with as 0:08:49.080 --> 0:08:52.000 you get older, you have less friendships that are that 0:08:52.240 --> 0:08:54.319 close as well. 0:08:54.600 --> 0:09:00.400 So many less because well like there's less time. If 0:09:00.440 --> 0:09:02.480 you get into a relationship or have kids or whatever, 0:09:02.600 --> 0:09:07.559 your time is limited. So but to there's I think 0:09:07.600 --> 0:09:12.800 there's something in like I prefer it being less now, 0:09:13.760 --> 0:09:16.600 Like I can count on one hand the friends I 0:09:16.640 --> 0:09:20.160 have that I would call in a time of need, 0:09:20.480 --> 0:09:23.679 and that I could say the worst things about myself too, 0:09:23.720 --> 0:09:26.800 and I can be completely vulnerable with I would say 0:09:27.440 --> 0:09:31.000 you are one of them. We have had hard conversations before, 0:09:31.480 --> 0:09:34.400 and we are similar in many ways, but we're very 0:09:34.440 --> 0:09:38.559 different in other ways. But there's I think the freedom 0:09:38.600 --> 0:09:41.400 in good friendships comes when you feel like you can 0:09:41.480 --> 0:09:44.360 say something to another person and they're not going to 0:09:44.440 --> 0:09:47.240 judge you for it or they're going to understand, like 0:09:47.320 --> 0:09:50.040 you can be vulnerable. So I can say to you, 0:09:50.760 --> 0:09:53.559 I feel I don't know, like I feel intimidated by 0:09:53.600 --> 0:09:56.880 this or I feel whatever, yes, and I feel like, well, 0:09:57.040 --> 0:09:59.520 there'll be understanding there, and you're not going to use 0:09:59.559 --> 0:10:01.360 it again. She won't use it against. 0:10:01.040 --> 0:10:03.680 Me, no, or not even that almost not having to 0:10:03.760 --> 0:10:07.240 explain yourself so much Like I had beautiful friendships, but 0:10:07.280 --> 0:10:09.840 if I was to call up and be like, I'm 0:10:09.880 --> 0:10:12.520 so fucked at the moment, blah blah blah, it would 0:10:12.559 --> 0:10:15.920 be a concern of a different level because they don't 0:10:15.960 --> 0:10:20.560 know the intricacies and yeah, the little bit's not Like 0:10:20.600 --> 0:10:22.960 if I called Stacy, she would know I'm okay, I'm 0:10:23.000 --> 0:10:27.080 just having a rough day, and she won't be overly 0:10:27.920 --> 0:10:31.480 dramatic about it, or I won't have to explain every detail. 0:10:31.760 --> 0:10:34.920 So then I know that doesn't make a huge amount 0:10:34.960 --> 0:10:37.000 of sense. But I'm just thinking, because I share so 0:10:37.120 --> 0:10:40.600 much with her, there's an ease she can ran she 0:10:40.800 --> 0:10:42.880 can read me, where a lot of my other friends 0:10:42.880 --> 0:10:45.199 I would have to explain it all and go, don't worry, 0:10:45.480 --> 0:10:49.560 I'm okay, but I'm really having a really fucking bad time. 0:10:50.120 --> 0:10:52.320 And then I would feel like they would maybe go 0:10:52.400 --> 0:10:55.200 to another friend and go, oh my god, is Monte 0:10:55.200 --> 0:10:57.360 okay if you heard what's going on where Stacy wouldn't 0:10:57.400 --> 0:10:59.520 need to do that. She could just handle it all 0:10:59.559 --> 0:11:02.480 herself because she knows the ins and outs of everything. 0:11:02.960 --> 0:11:06.679 Yeah, she's very is the word pragmatic? I think that's 0:11:06.760 --> 0:11:09.480 one of you. She's like she can just this is 0:11:09.520 --> 0:11:12.240 the situation and she just deals with what is in 0:11:12.280 --> 0:11:13.719 front of her. It's I think you. 0:11:13.800 --> 0:11:16.760 Need one of those in a friendship. Otherwise it's drama. 0:11:16.880 --> 0:11:19.319 Like Sam's very much like that. Like you know, when 0:11:19.360 --> 0:11:23.480 you and I were having our little heated thing the 0:11:23.520 --> 0:11:26.320 other week, I was talking to Sam about it and 0:11:26.360 --> 0:11:28.640 he was basically like, pull your head in, you know, 0:11:28.840 --> 0:11:31.400 like could make me see your side better than I 0:11:31.440 --> 0:11:33.839 could see it in my state. 0:11:34.320 --> 0:11:35.719 Yes, And so that's what you need. 0:11:35.840 --> 0:11:39.240 Somebody is pulling you down, going no, it's very reasonable 0:11:39.440 --> 0:11:42.800 what they're saying, or just yeah, somebody bringing you back 0:11:42.840 --> 0:11:44.960 down and stripping through the emotion. 0:11:45.160 --> 0:11:47.400 So you can just see the facts. That's what you 0:11:47.520 --> 0:11:50.240 need in a good friend. And that's also someone who 0:11:50.320 --> 0:11:54.120 really loves you. Yeah, who can do that, Because like 0:11:54.480 --> 0:11:57.520 we talked about, we always talk about celebrities, right, and 0:11:57.559 --> 0:12:00.760 how they're surrounded by yes people, that's what they're missing. 0:12:00.800 --> 0:12:01.760 They don't have that. 0:12:01.640 --> 0:12:05.120 Person no, because all of their friends are on the books. 0:12:05.280 --> 0:12:09.120 It's really sad. You think, oh, look at the life 0:12:09.120 --> 0:12:11.439 that they live, but they really can't know who their 0:12:11.480 --> 0:12:15.679 good mates are unless they were good friends before they 0:12:15.720 --> 0:12:18.880 became famous. Like you get why they're closed off and 0:12:19.000 --> 0:12:23.080 just unsure because it's like, how would you know, especially 0:12:23.080 --> 0:12:26.400 if you're getting paid and none of them are going 0:12:26.440 --> 0:12:27.959 to go, well, I'm going to risk my pay job 0:12:28.080 --> 0:12:30.320 to tell you you're being a fucking idiot, Like none 0:12:30.320 --> 0:12:31.000 of them do that. 0:12:33.840 --> 0:12:36.000 It's only happened one other time, I think. But we 0:12:36.080 --> 0:12:38.720 had words with each other recently, right, which to me 0:12:38.960 --> 0:12:42.160 is like important. I think it's important to do that 0:12:42.320 --> 0:12:43.000 every now and then. 0:12:43.160 --> 0:12:46.000 Well we've also worked together for over ten years. 0:12:46.520 --> 0:12:50.160 Yeah, yeah, Like there's going to be stuff, of course, 0:12:50.600 --> 0:12:55.360 But you know, I've realized I don't know if this 0:12:55.400 --> 0:12:59.440 will make sense to anybody else. This stage of my life. 0:13:00.160 --> 0:13:04.640 I feel very out of control right in so many ways, 0:13:04.679 --> 0:13:07.480 like the way I'm thinking, like I just feel out 0:13:07.480 --> 0:13:11.800 of control with everything. So I'm finding that I'm becoming 0:13:12.600 --> 0:13:18.080 controlling or overly. I hate when people say, oh, you're 0:13:18.120 --> 0:13:20.840 so OCD, because I don't mean it in a trivial way. 0:13:20.920 --> 0:13:24.199 But like even when I'm working, like I have another 0:13:24.280 --> 0:13:28.720 job other than this, and I find myself like going 0:13:28.800 --> 0:13:31.319 over and over and trying to perfect things that I 0:13:31.440 --> 0:13:35.119 know rationally no one else can see. But I'm becoming 0:13:35.400 --> 0:13:38.160 like I don't even know what the word is other 0:13:38.200 --> 0:13:41.560 than to say compulsive about it and controlling because I 0:13:41.559 --> 0:13:45.360 feel like I have no control in these other spaces. 0:13:45.600 --> 0:13:48.800 That that's what I'm holding on too, to the detriment 0:13:48.920 --> 0:13:51.400 of everyone else, but also. 0:13:51.200 --> 0:13:55.040 To yourself as well. It's like exhausting, but I feel 0:13:55.040 --> 0:13:57.240 that too. It is, and again we do go on 0:13:57.320 --> 0:14:00.200 about it a bit, but that's definitely your hormones knowing 0:14:00.360 --> 0:14:03.080 fucking nuts too. But I also think we get as 0:14:03.120 --> 0:14:05.360 we get old and more set now, like that would 0:14:05.360 --> 0:14:07.200 have been bubbling when you were younger, and it just 0:14:07.240 --> 0:14:09.560 gets more and more set as we get older, you 0:14:09.600 --> 0:14:10.280 know what I mean. 0:14:11.000 --> 0:14:12.640 But it's also. 0:14:12.440 --> 0:14:16.080 Really frustrating when you're aware of stuff like that, Like 0:14:16.160 --> 0:14:18.200 if you weren't aware, it would just be a life. 0:14:18.640 --> 0:14:21.280 I hate that I'm uber aware of my mental health 0:14:21.280 --> 0:14:25.320 and meet too, and stuff like that. Like recently, I 0:14:25.360 --> 0:14:28.480 can hear myself being such a downer that even around 0:14:28.560 --> 0:14:32.200 Sam now there's a form of acting going on because 0:14:32.240 --> 0:14:34.800 I'm like, I can't keep doing this. This is not 0:14:34.920 --> 0:14:37.920 fair on him, This is not fair on the people 0:14:37.960 --> 0:14:41.160 around me for me to be to be glass half 0:14:41.200 --> 0:14:44.440 empty the same. I feel out of control almost like 0:14:45.080 --> 0:14:48.600 of my mood of like where I'm at in my life, 0:14:49.080 --> 0:14:51.480 like my kids, Like I know a lot of it 0:14:51.520 --> 0:14:54.240 is the stage that we're at, like we are midlife now, 0:14:54.960 --> 0:14:57.400 so it's like a form of a crisis that has 0:14:57.440 --> 0:14:59.560 to be And every woman I speak to who is 0:14:59.600 --> 0:15:02.400 my a is hands down going through the same thing. 0:15:03.160 --> 0:15:06.280 Well, I'll admit something too, that's terrible. I hate myself 0:15:06.320 --> 0:15:08.560 for saying it because there's nobody I love more in 0:15:09.000 --> 0:15:12.800 my life than my family, right, Yeah, you know, I 0:15:12.920 --> 0:15:15.560 just always want to be on my own. Yes, that's 0:15:15.560 --> 0:15:20.160 how I feel, just because I'm aware of I'm a 0:15:20.200 --> 0:15:24.440 punish all the time. And also I'm like some days 0:15:24.600 --> 0:15:26.920 I'll be like I feel okay today, but I feel 0:15:26.920 --> 0:15:29.960 okay because I've been alone, yes, and then as soon 0:15:30.040 --> 0:15:33.800 as something happens, I'm like, fuck, and I tried like, 0:15:34.080 --> 0:15:38.200 don't overreact, don't overreact, but I just can't help it. 0:15:38.480 --> 0:15:42.280 Whatever it goes. I can hear myself a fucking screaming again. 0:15:42.600 --> 0:15:47.520 During the scream, you can hear yourself stop stop, can't stop. Yeah, 0:15:47.600 --> 0:15:50.200 it's awful. It is awful feeling out of control. And 0:15:50.240 --> 0:15:54.320 I also feel like when I am in an out 0:15:54.320 --> 0:15:57.280 of control way, my old eating habits rear their head 0:15:57.280 --> 0:16:00.200 as well. Yeah, that's what really bothers me where I'm like, 0:16:00.240 --> 0:16:04.320 it's such a control thing, having eating issues, and I'm like, fuck, 0:16:04.320 --> 0:16:06.480 I'm forty three and these are cropping up again. So 0:16:06.520 --> 0:16:09.920 I'm getting straight onto it. Like I've got a dietitian 0:16:09.960 --> 0:16:12.760 who works with this stuff. But I'm like, it's one 0:16:12.760 --> 0:16:15.280 of those things in my life that when it's not good, 0:16:15.360 --> 0:16:17.920 I try and control, which was all what I used 0:16:17.920 --> 0:16:21.120 to do years ago. I'm like, no, not this, don't 0:16:21.360 --> 0:16:24.520 start this now. Like I know, I'm on. 0:16:25.440 --> 0:16:28.280 I do feel every I feel like that's something that 0:16:28.360 --> 0:16:31.480 whether people again are vulnerable enough to say it or not, 0:16:32.080 --> 0:16:34.160 I do feel like and I think it's men and women, 0:16:34.200 --> 0:16:37.160 because I'm sure men go through their own It might 0:16:37.200 --> 0:16:39.760 not be the hormonal ups and downs, but they go 0:16:39.840 --> 0:16:43.160 through their own form of a mid life crisis or whatever. 0:16:44.360 --> 0:16:48.360 I think that is just a coping mechanism, the controlling around, 0:16:49.480 --> 0:16:51.840 and we've all got our thing. And maybe when it's 0:16:51.880 --> 0:16:55.880 that you're a workaholic, that seems more socially acceptable, yes, 0:16:56.000 --> 0:16:59.560 and controlling eating that people look at it and go, oh, 0:16:59.680 --> 0:17:01.720 that's oh no, that's not good that she's doing that. 0:17:01.840 --> 0:17:05.000 But also when you're running yourself into the ground because 0:17:05.080 --> 0:17:09.639 you're hiding it behind work, yeah that's fucking just as 0:17:09.680 --> 0:17:11.280 bad and just as toxic as well. 0:17:11.680 --> 0:17:17.719 Yeah it's wild, isn't it fucking wild? Our brains? Like, 0:17:18.359 --> 0:17:21.600 I just feel like everyone's works like this, but I 0:17:21.640 --> 0:17:24.840 don't think they do mal like. I bet the majority 0:17:24.840 --> 0:17:27.720 of people listening you're like, you guys are fucking insane. 0:17:28.480 --> 0:17:31.680 I don't reckon, I reckon, it's just some people. Maybe 0:17:31.800 --> 0:17:34.359 some people don't talk about it, or some people don't 0:17:34.760 --> 0:17:37.879 zero in on it the way we might like. The 0:17:37.960 --> 0:17:41.080 awareness of hang on, this is why I'm doing that, 0:17:41.520 --> 0:17:44.320 which is I also think is quite an emotionally mature 0:17:44.359 --> 0:17:48.960 thing to do, like immature mature. I think it's insightful 0:17:49.000 --> 0:17:51.520 that you can recognize it. I think the real problem 0:17:51.600 --> 0:17:54.760 I think so, yeah, is when people can't recognize it. 0:17:54.800 --> 0:17:56.920 I think that's when you've got a problem. At least 0:17:56.920 --> 0:17:57.560 we know it. 0:17:57.920 --> 0:18:01.399 But I think being more oblivious sometimes would be beautiful. 0:18:01.560 --> 0:18:04.119 Yeah, I know, like it just it's. 0:18:04.000 --> 0:18:07.000 Beautiful for you. It's beautiful for you to live in 0:18:07.040 --> 0:18:09.120 you well, and you're not so nice for everyone else though, 0:18:09.160 --> 0:18:13.159 is it? But anyway, yeah, so we are still very 0:18:13.240 --> 0:18:15.960 much in the thick of clearly perimenopause and getting our 0:18:16.000 --> 0:18:19.680 moods and emotions and everything under control. But it could 0:18:19.760 --> 0:18:21.920 be like a ten year thing. 0:18:23.440 --> 0:18:27.680 That's terrifying and also just the thought of how much 0:18:27.760 --> 0:18:30.920 can you no matter how much hormones and stuff you have. 0:18:31.119 --> 0:18:34.720 I feel like this is it's it's a time where 0:18:34.840 --> 0:18:37.280 it can't really be that controlled because it is so 0:18:37.480 --> 0:18:40.879 up and down. Yeah, so it's like, okay, well maybe 0:18:40.920 --> 0:18:44.080 today my progesterone is really low, but tomorrow it might 0:18:44.119 --> 0:18:47.520 be back up. So maybe tomorrow when I take my progesterone, 0:18:48.040 --> 0:18:51.040 oh no, it's going to be too much and then 0:18:51.040 --> 0:18:52.240 I'm going to feel weird from that. 0:18:52.359 --> 0:18:57.119 Yes, totally. But how beautiful is it when you feel great? 0:18:57.760 --> 0:19:00.879 Like oh good, let's just go good. There's no like 0:19:00.960 --> 0:19:03.639 real great feelings at the moment. But when I feel 0:19:03.680 --> 0:19:07.720 good and the sun's out, it's like euphoria. I'm like, 0:19:08.040 --> 0:19:11.120 oh my god, I'm not exhausted. I think today especially, 0:19:11.160 --> 0:19:12.720 I was up for an hour and a half at 0:19:12.720 --> 0:19:15.280 two o'clock with Odie, so I'm so cooked. And when 0:19:15.320 --> 0:19:18.600 I'm so exhausted, my glass is definitely more half empty. 0:19:19.160 --> 0:19:21.080 But when I wake up and I'm like, oh my god, 0:19:21.119 --> 0:19:23.159 I feel good, I can get up, I can go 0:19:23.200 --> 0:19:27.240 to pilates, I'm still journaling like a demon. Loving the journaling. 0:19:27.800 --> 0:19:29.280 I think I've got to try it. 0:19:29.359 --> 0:19:31.520 Mate, You've got to and it's a hard habit to 0:19:31.520 --> 0:19:33.560 get into, but once you get into it, it is 0:19:33.680 --> 0:19:36.720 so great. So every I shouldn't say every day, not 0:19:36.880 --> 0:19:41.360 every day, but it's I do a three page journal 0:19:41.440 --> 0:19:44.119 where it's just streams of consciousness. So I've told you this, 0:19:44.400 --> 0:19:46.320 and I'm nearly at the end of this journal, and 0:19:46.359 --> 0:19:47.600 I thought of you. I'm like, what am I going 0:19:47.680 --> 0:19:49.520 to do with this journal when it's done, I'm just 0:19:49.560 --> 0:19:51.000 gonna have to put it straight in the bin. 0:19:51.960 --> 0:19:56.359 I this is really telling of what a shit person 0:19:56.440 --> 0:19:56.720 I am. 0:19:57.000 --> 0:19:58.680 Oh shut up, no, no, no. 0:19:59.240 --> 0:20:00.760 If I knew was doing. 0:20:00.600 --> 0:20:03.800 That, which he would never you couldn't, Now you could, 0:20:04.880 --> 0:20:08.600 I think I could. Sam has one by his bed too, 0:20:09.280 --> 0:20:12.399 I will, and that's where mine is too. 0:20:12.880 --> 0:20:18.919 But that is a level of trust that is extraordinary 0:20:19.280 --> 0:20:23.760 because I know who I am. I would find it 0:20:23.880 --> 0:20:26.720 unbelievably hard not to look in. 0:20:26.760 --> 0:20:30.679 That where I'm the opposite. If he said read some 0:20:31.240 --> 0:20:34.639 I would be like, absolutely not, because when you do this, 0:20:34.760 --> 0:20:38.240 it is literally streams of consciousness and do I live 0:20:38.280 --> 0:20:41.160 with the most So it's like, I know I would 0:20:41.160 --> 0:20:44.040 be in there because it's very challenging for him to 0:20:44.160 --> 0:20:49.800 have a chronically ill partner. Of course, like yeah, sometimes 0:20:49.840 --> 0:20:53.200 don't realize how much affects his life because I'm in 0:20:53.240 --> 0:20:56.119 my head of me surviving where I'm like, well, he 0:20:56.240 --> 0:20:58.760 is to an extent too, but he's got literally no 0:20:58.800 --> 0:21:01.320 control over the situation. Not that I do, but it's 0:21:01.359 --> 0:21:04.520 not him, so he resents the situation so much. So 0:21:04.560 --> 0:21:07.159 I'm like, the whole thing would be about that, Like 0:21:07.600 --> 0:21:10.320 it would be so much about me. How he probably 0:21:10.600 --> 0:21:12.840