1 00:00:09,039 --> 00:00:12,880 Speaker 1: Hi, everybody, Welcome back to another episode of Mojo Monday. 2 00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:16,439 Speaker 1: I'm Carly Taylor, and today we're going to tackle a 3 00:00:16,560 --> 00:00:19,720 Speaker 1: topic that he may well be familiar with, and that 4 00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:23,360 Speaker 1: is the fear of failure. So I had many stories 5 00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:26,119 Speaker 1: that I could share that would illustrate this struggle, but 6 00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:28,400 Speaker 1: I'm going to share one of them with you today, 7 00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:32,479 Speaker 1: and it's about the first time I was invited to 8 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:34,920 Speaker 1: go on a podcast, and it happened to be an 9 00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:38,400 Speaker 1: invitation by somebody many of you will be familiar with, 10 00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:42,360 Speaker 1: and that is Craig Harper. So those of you who 11 00:00:42,479 --> 00:00:45,680 Speaker 1: know Craig and have listened to his podcasts or seen 12 00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:50,000 Speaker 1: him live, Craig is somebody who has this unique gift 13 00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:54,600 Speaker 1: of the gab. He's incredibly smart and articulate even when 14 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:58,680 Speaker 1: he swears, and I've got a huge amount of admiration 15 00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:02,400 Speaker 1: for him. So when I got the invitation, it completely 16 00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:06,160 Speaker 1: took me by surprise. This was about three years ago, 17 00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:09,880 Speaker 1: I think, and I remember getting the text message out 18 00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:14,520 Speaker 1: of the blue and my automatic response was excitement, followed 19 00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:19,400 Speaker 1: very quickly by complete terror. And I had actually written 20 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:22,360 Speaker 1: some goals for the year in my journal and one 21 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:25,720 Speaker 1: of them was to be on four podcasts, So this 22 00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:30,240 Speaker 1: invitation was obviously very aligned with that goal and my 23 00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:34,120 Speaker 1: purpose around my work, So rationally it was a very 24 00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:38,319 Speaker 1: positive situation to be in. But then the self doubt 25 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:42,440 Speaker 1: kicked in. My inner critic, who was my little gremlin 26 00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:49,040 Speaker 1: called Martha, went into complete overdrive. What if I go blank? 27 00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:52,640 Speaker 1: What if I'm boring? What if I'm not funny enough 28 00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:55,960 Speaker 1: because Craig makes people laugh? What if I make a 29 00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:58,640 Speaker 1: fool of myself? Who am I to be on a podcast? 30 00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:02,880 Speaker 1: YadA YadA, YadA, YadA yady. Her, my little gremlin, Martha, 31 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:07,560 Speaker 1: is that part of me that is my perfectionistic, self critical, 32 00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:11,280 Speaker 1: has a deep fear of failure, and it's that part 33 00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:14,840 Speaker 1: of me that crops up in situations like this when 34 00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:20,080 Speaker 1: I'm taking a risk. So looking back, this part of 35 00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:24,360 Speaker 1: me appeared when I was a kid, and Martha back 36 00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:29,320 Speaker 1: then served a purpose because when I was around age seven, 37 00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:35,320 Speaker 1: I remember innocently shaking my head and swinging my pigtails 38 00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:38,560 Speaker 1: so they hit my face, thinking I was being so funny. 39 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:42,440 Speaker 1: And Megan, who was a girl sitting next to me 40 00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:45,280 Speaker 1: who I thought was just so pretty and so cool, 41 00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:47,680 Speaker 1: and I really really wanted to be friends with her, 42 00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:51,200 Speaker 1: gave me this dirty look and told me I was 43 00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:54,640 Speaker 1: showing off, and she turned away from me. My little 44 00:02:54,639 --> 00:02:58,640 Speaker 1: heart was broken. So Martha appeared and she gave me 45 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:02,120 Speaker 1: some advice. Don't try and be funny because you're not, 46 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:04,760 Speaker 1: and it gets us into trouble and you won't be 47 00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:08,640 Speaker 1: popular if you keep trying. So you can see how 48 00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:15,400 Speaker 1: these seemingly insignificant incidents as a child causes this brain 49 00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:19,320 Speaker 1: wiring that can then stick to stick with you, and 50 00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:22,280 Speaker 1: then it kind of manifests into other areas as you 51 00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:27,080 Speaker 1: get older. Another childhood experience was feeling like I was 52 00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:30,359 Speaker 1: never good enough, and I won't go into the detail 53 00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:33,119 Speaker 1: of that, but I think you get the picture. It's 54 00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:37,040 Speaker 1: that part of us that has this fear of failure 55 00:03:37,080 --> 00:03:41,400 Speaker 1: that maybe served us well at some point in our lives, 56 00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:44,960 Speaker 1: like when we were growing up, but not now. But 57 00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:48,160 Speaker 1: it's still there and it can still be really loud. 58 00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:52,400 Speaker 1: So in the past, as an adult, these thoughts might 59 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:55,840 Speaker 1: have paralyzed me. I might have delayed responding to the 60 00:03:55,880 --> 00:04:01,680 Speaker 1: text or even politely declined it. But I did say yes. 61 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:04,960 Speaker 1: And this is because of the skills I've learned from ACT, 62 00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:09,880 Speaker 1: which is acceptance, commitment, therapy. If you're not familiar with ACT, 63 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:13,960 Speaker 1: it is a type of cognitive behavior therapy that helps 64 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:19,799 Speaker 1: people build what we call psychological flexibility. So doctor Stephen Hayes, 65 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:24,440 Speaker 1: who is the founder of ACT, he described psychological flexibility 66 00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:28,840 Speaker 1: as the ability to feel and think with openness, to 67 00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:34,600 Speaker 1: attend voluntarily to your experience experience of the present moment, 68 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:38,200 Speaker 1: and to move your life in directions that are important 69 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:41,560 Speaker 1: to you, building habits that allow you to live a 70 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:46,560 Speaker 1: life accordance with your values and aspirations. So I'll walk 71 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:50,640 Speaker 1: through how I applied some of the skills of psychological 72 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:55,080 Speaker 1: flexibility to this particular situation, which you could use if 73 00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:57,360 Speaker 1: you are faced with a situation that brings up that 74 00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:01,920 Speaker 1: fear of failure. The first thing I did was I 75 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:08,160 Speaker 1: observed my reactions with curiosity. So I paused, and I 76 00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:12,680 Speaker 1: fully experienced the excitement and the fear that came up 77 00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:16,240 Speaker 1: when I read the text, and I noticed the physical 78 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:20,479 Speaker 1: sensations in my body, and I noticed my thoughts. So 79 00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:24,920 Speaker 1: this is a mindfulness practice observing my thoughts and feelings 80 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:29,000 Speaker 1: which creates a bit of emotional distance from them, and 81 00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:32,560 Speaker 1: that gives me more control over how I respond. So 82 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:38,360 Speaker 1: instead of reacting impulsively, I could choose my reactions more thoughtfully. 83 00:05:39,279 --> 00:05:43,680 Speaker 1: As Martha, my little gremlin, continued to chatter away, I 84 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:46,440 Speaker 1: felt this urge to start arguing with her. You know 85 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,880 Speaker 1: when you have that internal argument with yourself, and in 86 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:51,920 Speaker 1: other words, I wanted to tell her to shut up. 87 00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:55,760 Speaker 1: But I know through this work that arguing with your 88 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:59,320 Speaker 1: inner critic actually feels it. You feed the gremlin and 89 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:03,440 Speaker 1: it grows. So I made room for that discomfort, knowing 90 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:06,760 Speaker 1: that just like the weather, it will pass, because the 91 00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:10,000 Speaker 1: opportunity to be on the podcast was so much greater 92 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:12,120 Speaker 1: than the need to get rid of the discomfort I 93 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:15,799 Speaker 1: was feeling. So now I had a bit of distance 94 00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:19,120 Speaker 1: from my fear and I was able to observe it. 95 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:22,080 Speaker 1: I could ask myself, well, what is important right now? 96 00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:25,599 Speaker 1: What is important to me? And that leads me to 97 00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:29,159 Speaker 1: access and inner compass to guide me in the right direction. 98 00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:34,159 Speaker 1: And that compass is my values. So I love coaching people. 99 00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:38,040 Speaker 1: I love helping people see beyond their limitations, and I 100 00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:41,400 Speaker 1: love helping people find their strengths. So this was an 101 00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:45,760 Speaker 1: opportunity to do that. This was so aligned with my 102 00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:49,239 Speaker 1: values of helping people, and that was what I used 103 00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:52,240 Speaker 1: as my compass to what action that I would take, 104 00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:57,360 Speaker 1: not how I was feeling, and given this was an 105 00:06:57,360 --> 00:07:00,560 Speaker 1: opportunity aligned with what was important to me, I was 106 00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:04,080 Speaker 1: able to accept the discomfort make room for it without 107 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:07,080 Speaker 1: trying to change it, without trying to challenge it or 108 00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:10,160 Speaker 1: get rid of it or reframe it. I allowed it 109 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:13,240 Speaker 1: to be there, but I didn't put my attention on it. 110 00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:16,480 Speaker 1: So what I did is I prepared as much as 111 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:18,600 Speaker 1: I could for a chat with Craig. He is very 112 00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:22,280 Speaker 1: ad lib so you don't want to prepare too much. 113 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,640 Speaker 1: But if I had an idea of what I could 114 00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:30,040 Speaker 1: talk about, it helped me build my confidence. Another valuable 115 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:35,760 Speaker 1: approach is inspired by Marita therapy, and that emphasizes accepting reality, 116 00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:39,160 Speaker 1: both our internal reality of how we're feeling and what 117 00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:43,200 Speaker 1: we're thinking, and our external reality, which most of it 118 00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:47,360 Speaker 1: we don't have control of it, but accepting those as 119 00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:52,000 Speaker 1: they are and then taking action aligned with your purpose. 120 00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:55,800 Speaker 1: So very very similar to act And one of the 121 00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:59,840 Speaker 1: best pieces of advice that I've read is from Professor 122 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:05,280 Speaker 1: Takihi Sakora, and that is to leave the unknown to 123 00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:08,640 Speaker 1: the unknown. As long as I did a bit of 124 00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:11,680 Speaker 1: prep the outcome of the podcast, like what people thought 125 00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:14,680 Speaker 1: of it or what people thought of me was an unknown, 126 00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:18,400 Speaker 1: So I turned my attention to then what needed to 127 00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:23,520 Speaker 1: be done. So you can see how these skills, or 128 00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:26,720 Speaker 1: through these skills, I was able to respond to my 129 00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:31,040 Speaker 1: fear of failure with psychological flexibility as opposed to being 130 00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:35,240 Speaker 1: psychologically rigid. I took on a new challenge. I made 131 00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:37,679 Speaker 1: room for the fear and the service of something that 132 00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:41,360 Speaker 1: was important to me and was important was aligned with 133 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:44,920 Speaker 1: my goals for the year, and it ended up working 134 00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:49,360 Speaker 1: out pretty well. So next time you have a fear 135 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:53,520 Speaker 1: of failure and your automatic reaction is to run away, 136 00:08:54,440 --> 00:09:00,280 Speaker 1: try to make room for the discomfort. Pause, notice your thoughts, 137 00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:04,400 Speaker 1: notice the physical sensations, even create a name for your 138 00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:08,880 Speaker 1: own gremlin, and really get clear on what is important 139 00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:12,040 Speaker 1: to you, and then do what needs to be done 140 00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:16,679 Speaker 1: despite how you feel, knowing it will pass and that 141 00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:19,880 Speaker 1: you will grow from the experience no matter what the 142 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:23,760 Speaker 1: outcome is. So thank you so much for joining me 143 00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:27,880 Speaker 1: today on Mojo Monday. I hope you've found this useful 144 00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:32,640 Speaker 1: and until next Monday, accept what you can't change, including 145 00:09:32,679 --> 00:09:36,760 Speaker 1: your automatic thoughts and emotions, and keep moving forward with purpose. 146 00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:54,320 Speaker 1: Have a fantastic week and I will see you next Monday.