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Speaker 1: Apologie production an easier advice. Are you okay? What happened?

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Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much? Bring it in.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to our Bestie segment.

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Speaker 1: This is the place for you. Hello, everybody, Welcome back

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Speaker 1: to our Bestie segment. Don't forget. We are in your

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Speaker 1: ears four times a week Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday.

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Speaker 1: Tuesday and Friday are a Bessie Submissions. You guys have

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Speaker 1: written to us anonymously. We have no idea who's written

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Speaker 1: them in You're sticky situations or just things that you want.

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Speaker 1: Advice from two best friends who we would give to

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Speaker 1: each other if we were in the situation that you're in.

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Speaker 1: So what have you got for us today?

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Speaker 2: Absolutely? This one's a bit of an interesting one. My

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Speaker 2: dad recently passed away, and his partner, not my mum,

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Speaker 2: has made every step of the way so difficult. I'm

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Speaker 2: trying to see it from an empathetic you that she's

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Speaker 2: just grieving, but so much of it feels intentional. She

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Speaker 2: was with my dad for two years before he passed,

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Speaker 2: shat me and my siblings out of every decision with

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Speaker 2: his funeral, her children do his eulogy and actively involved them.

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Speaker 2: She spent excess on the bar tab at his wake

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Speaker 2: and had nothing left for his headstone. My siblings and

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Speaker 2: I had just scrambled to be able to fund it.

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Speaker 2: She's made decisions on the funeral that I know my

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Speaker 2: dad never wanted based on conversations we had. She did

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Speaker 2: involve us in his headstone and we all agreed on

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Speaker 2: what it would say, and then when the draft was

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Speaker 2: sent to her, she changed it without telling anyone, including

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Speaker 2: my grandma, which is my dad's mum. And she has

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Speaker 2: really made it all about her. People are saying to

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Speaker 2: move on and not let it affect me, but it

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Speaker 2: feels like she is trying to erase any part of

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Speaker 2: my dad before her. I feel hurt, and I feel angry,

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Speaker 2: and like I can't go to his memorial space to

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Speaker 2: grieve him without being angry and seeing the words that

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Speaker 2: she changed. I don't know how to move past this

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Speaker 2: or resolve this. When anyone has tried to talk to

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Speaker 2: her about it, she says that she knows him best,

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Speaker 2: and she's the one that has lost the person she loved,

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Speaker 2: and she has the right to do whatever she wants.

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Speaker 2: My dad didn't have a will, and she has taken

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Speaker 2: over everything I don't care about any belongings or the money.

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Speaker 2: The only thing I want is my dad and I

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Speaker 2: want to be able to forgive her, but I feel

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Speaker 2: so angry. How do I move through this? Oh? Man? Firstly,

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Speaker 2: I just wanted to say I'm so sorry, so sorry.

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Speaker 2: I can't imagine what that would feel like and how

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Speaker 2: disappointing that would be to feel like she has just

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Speaker 2: come in and taken over and disregarded anything that you

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Speaker 2: and your family want, considering like he was your dad.

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Speaker 1: It's your dad, your whole life. Oh she's spent two

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Speaker 1: years with him, but he was.

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Speaker 2: Your dad, and it sounds like you had such a

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Speaker 2: beautiful relationship with him too. Sounds super close with him,

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Speaker 2: and Ah, I just can't imagine the disappointment that would

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Speaker 2: come from that. I'm really sorry that you had to

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Speaker 2: experience that.

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Speaker 1: MY heart really hurts for you.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, advice wise, gosh, I feel like in this situation,

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Speaker 3: there really isn't a lot that you can do, and

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Speaker 3: holding on to the resentment and the anger is just

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Speaker 3: going to cause you so much more pain.

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Speaker 1: And you're already in pain. You're already missing him, you're

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Speaker 1: already grieving him. But I know that so much easier

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Speaker 1: than done. Yeah, I mean personally, I think whenever I

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Speaker 1: go through something really tough, whether it's grief or anything,

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Speaker 1: I'm always getting outside support. Whether that's through girlfriends or

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Speaker 1: through a coach or someone that specializes in what I'm

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Speaker 1: going through, I get supports. So maybe just getting some

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Speaker 1: support to help you through this forgiveness and some breath

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Speaker 1: work to like somatically remove that anger out of your

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Speaker 1: body and just make sure that you've got some stabilizers

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Speaker 1: around you to get you through this, because grief is

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Speaker 1: not something that just goes away. It fucking lingers and

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Speaker 1: one day you completely fine and next day you're like

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Speaker 1: what the fuck? It hits you like a ton of

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Speaker 1: bricks does, and you can't even function. And I haven't

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Speaker 1: lost a parent yet most people I speak to, grief

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Speaker 1: is just it's constant. So anything that you can have

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Speaker 1: to help support you, I'm assume you have. But also

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Speaker 1: have you maybe tried to write a letter or sit

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Speaker 1: down with her and just fully, vulnerably not attack her

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Speaker 1: or criticize her, vulnerably talk about how you're feeling throughout

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Speaker 1: this process and how you're struggling to cope with it

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Speaker 1: because of the decisions that she's made and how she

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Speaker 1: responded to that, because sometimes I think we can all

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Speaker 1: have better conversations. I don't know how open she would

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Speaker 1: be to that or how reactive she might be, And

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Speaker 1: you have to go on with no expectations because she

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Speaker 1: is on her own journey as well, and she is grieving,

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Speaker 1: and we all grieve differently, and a lot of time

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Speaker 1: in grief, that's not who we are. Yeah, it's like

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Speaker 1: a totally different person takes over because you just your

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Speaker 1: body's in the stake of shock and sadness that it's

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Speaker 1: just so heavy. But I think that's what I would do.

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Speaker 1: What would you do?

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Speaker 2: Oh, I don't know necessarily what I would do. I

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Speaker 2: think I would just want to be angry and I

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Speaker 2: putting myself in your shoes. I'm thinking that I reckon.

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Speaker 2: I would be channeling that anger from my dad passing

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Speaker 2: onto this person, do you know what I mean? Almost

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Speaker 2: like a way of being like, well, fuck you, And

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Speaker 2: like I see this as like you expressing your anger

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Speaker 2: for having lost your dad onto this woman, and this

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Speaker 2: person is almost like a channel for you to be

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Speaker 2: like well fuck you and get all the frustration out

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Speaker 2: without actually having to fully feel the grief, And that's

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Speaker 2: what I imagine I would want to do in that

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Speaker 2: moment too, because I'd be like, what do I do

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Speaker 2: with all this sadness? Yeah? What do I do with

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Speaker 2: all this anger? I don't know what to do with it?

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Speaker 2: This is the first person who's bothering me, And how

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Speaker 2: do you betray me in this way? And like try

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Speaker 2: to erase my dad? And obviously you don't want to

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Speaker 2: do that, And I'd be curious to know this coach

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Speaker 2: hat you know, is there a part of you that's

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Speaker 2: fearful that the memory of him will be erased? Because

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Speaker 2: the language that you said in that was like she's

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Speaker 2: trying to erase him, like the life before that she

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Speaker 2: had with him, and now your dad's passed away, and

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Speaker 2: it's like, oh my gosh, I wonder if there's a

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Speaker 2: deep rooted fear of that being true. But it's like

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Speaker 2: it doesn't have to be. Dad's always going to be

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Speaker 2: with you, and I know it's easier said than done,

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Speaker 2: and this may co totally over your head depending on

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Speaker 2: where you're at.

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Speaker 1: And that's okay also, and.

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Speaker 2: That's okay, but it's like he gets to stay with

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Speaker 2: you so long as you remind yourself that he's with

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Speaker 2: you in spirit and energy, in your memories of him,

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Speaker 2: in the way that you choose to honor him and

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Speaker 2: the life that he lived. We had a guest on

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Speaker 2: recently who in like the culture in New Zealand. They

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Speaker 2: have like the culture where like they really celebrate death. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: it's not like a married culture. Yeah, it's not a funeral,

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Speaker 2: it's a celebration of life. And I think I really

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Speaker 2: liked the way that they kind of spoke about death

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Speaker 2: because it was really beautiful and really showcase how much

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Speaker 2: they celebrated that person, who they were, what light they

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Speaker 2: brought to the world, how much they impacted every single

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Speaker 2: person that they touched, including you. And I just think

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Speaker 2: when I think about grief and death, I think that's

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Speaker 2: the way that I would want to remember the people

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Speaker 2: that I love. It's like, try to think of the

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Speaker 2: celebration as opposed to drowning in the grief, you know,

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Speaker 2: and both exist. Like, I know, you can't bypass grief,

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Speaker 2: it doesn't work like that. You still have to feel it.

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Speaker 2: But I think without putting all the focus on her,

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Speaker 2: how do you want to remember your dad? Yeah, Like,

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Speaker 2: how do you want to nurture the relationship that you

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Speaker 2: had with him in your mind and your body and

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Speaker 2: in your heart, and focus on pouring love into that

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Speaker 2: as opposed to fueling the anger.

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Speaker 1: Because we had a Islana Jess. Yeah, and then my

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Speaker 1: girlfriend has lost her baby, a common thing. The three

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Speaker 1: of them, they're all still grieving every single day. They

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Speaker 1: cry every single day. It's hard and I can't even

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Speaker 1: begin to imagine what they've all gone through. They've all

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Speaker 1: lost a child, but all three of them consciously make

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Speaker 1: a chore to celebrate the life they've lost. They consciously

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Speaker 1: choose to be so grateful. They consciously choose to feel

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Speaker 1: and look for signs that their baby's still with them

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Speaker 1: as well as the grief, so both things can co exist.

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Speaker 1: And I think it's this conscious choice of where you're

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Speaker 1: putting your energy and where you're putting your focus, because

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Speaker 1: wherever your focus is, it will grow. So if you

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Speaker 1: focus on the anger and focus on what she's done,

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Speaker 1: and focus on how she's done the wrong by you,

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Speaker 1: and focus on how you can't agree properly because of her,

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Speaker 1: that in your head is just going to get bigger

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Speaker 1: and bigger and bigger. Or you can still feel that

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Speaker 1: and that's totally valid. I'm not trying to take that

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Speaker 1: away from you. That is very true. That's your experience

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Speaker 1: right now. But you can also choose to focus on

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Speaker 1: your beautiful dad and going to sit with him at

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Speaker 1: the grave and talk to him and all the beautiful

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Speaker 1: times you had and what he would want you to

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Speaker 1: be living your life like. He wouldn't want you being angry,

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Speaker 1: He wouldn't want you focusing on some of these details.

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Speaker 1: He just wants you to remember the good times and

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Speaker 1: remember him and how he showed up for you and

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Speaker 1: for you to live your life to the max because

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Speaker 1: tomorrow isn't promised. You ask what we would do. I

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Speaker 1: think that's where I try and shift my focus, which

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Speaker 1: we are in control of a lot more than what

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Speaker 1: we think. Yeah, but it is very easy to focus

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Speaker 1: on her and blame her and what's happened. But it's

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Speaker 1: just going to get bigger and cause you more pain.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, because I think there's something you said in there.

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Speaker 1: I feel hurt and angry and like I can't go

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Speaker 1: to this memorial space to grieve him without feeling angry

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Speaker 1: seeing the words she has changed, So you feel like

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Speaker 1: you can't go and grieve him without feeling angry, and

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Speaker 1: those feelings are valid. But I'm telling you you can

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Speaker 1: still go to his grave, and you can still remember him,

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Speaker 1: and you can still connect with him. It might feel

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Speaker 1: like you can't, but you can have full permission to

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Speaker 1: do that. Yet it's consciously like changing where you're putting

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Speaker 1: your focus.

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Speaker 2: Absolutely. Yeah, grief is scary, Like grief is uncomfortable. No

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Speaker 2: one wants to sit in it. It's a really challenging

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Speaker 2: thing and it really does. It does change you as

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Speaker 2: a person. Yeah, no matter what it looks like, Yours

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Speaker 2: might look different to the next person to as she's

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Speaker 2: to mine, but we still feel it to the same degree.

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Speaker 2: And that can be really scary sometimes. But I think

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Speaker 2: something that's been really helpful for me in my own

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Speaker 2: journey of you know, anything that I haven't wanted to feel,

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Speaker 2: is the more that I feel it, the more that

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Speaker 2: I heal it. And I can't imagine, like the loss

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Speaker 2: of a parent, I don't think that'll ever go away.

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Speaker 2: You just get better at dealing with it. But I

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Speaker 2: do think that the more that you give yourself permission

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Speaker 2: to feel the loss that you're actually experiencing, the lighter

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Speaker 2: it may feel over time, you know, because you're not

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Speaker 2: harboring all this emotion and anger and frustration, all these

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Speaker 2: things and triggers and all the things, as opposed to

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Speaker 2: just letting yourself sit down and break down and cry.

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Speaker 2: Go sit at the graveyard where his headstone is, sit there,

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Speaker 2: cry with him, like, allow yourself to feel it to

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Speaker 2: the depths, and you won't get stuck there. And I

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Speaker 2: know that's the fear. Yeah, you may carry it with

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Speaker 2: you every single day, but I really really believe that,

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Speaker 2: like when you feel through things, you heal it.

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Speaker 1: I wonder if you did something little. I don't know

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Speaker 1: if this would help, but you might have not got

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Speaker 1: what you wanted on the gravestone. But why don't you

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Speaker 1: get that in graves on a key ring a photo

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Speaker 1: of you and him, and get it engraved on the

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Speaker 1: top of the photo frame, just somewhere where you get

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Speaker 1: to see it each day and you get to connect

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Speaker 1: with him in that way, get it tattooed on you whatever. Like,

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Speaker 1: there's so many ways that you can still get what

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Speaker 1: your quote unquote wanted. It's just not on that particular headstone.

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Speaker 1: But there's other ways that you could still put exactly

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Speaker 1: what you wanted to be on there and love that.

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Speaker 1: I think that's beautiful.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, something in your own home, to your space.

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Speaker 1: Your choice, exactly what feels exactly right for you, because

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Speaker 1: even what you wanted to compare to your siblings might

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Speaker 1: be a bit different. You get to choose what that

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Speaker 1: feels for you.

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Speaker 2: Absolutely.

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Speaker 1: But I'm so sorry you're going through this grief. It's

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Speaker 1: honestly so fuck.

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Speaker 2: And you know what, Like, you're allowed to be disappointed, Yeah,

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Speaker 2: just straight up, you're allowed to be disappointed.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, let yourself feel it, all of it.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Make sure you've got the right support around you. Yeah, Like,

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Speaker 1: I don't think I could have got through anything without

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Speaker 1: having enough support around me. Sending you so much love,

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Speaker 1: big virtual hug. Yeah we need It's tough.

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Speaker 2: You got this.

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Speaker 1: I