1 00:00:00,440 --> 00:00:03,840 Speaker 1: I get a you bloody jam. Welcome to another installing 2 00:00:03,880 --> 00:00:06,200 Speaker 1: the you project. It's Jumbo, it's Fatty Harps, it's me, 3 00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:09,920 Speaker 1: it's you, it's us. Let's get into it. I hope 4 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,960 Speaker 1: this doesn't take too long, because I don't have too long, 5 00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:14,880 Speaker 1: and you probably don't want to listen to me bang 6 00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:17,880 Speaker 1: on for an hour. I don't blame you. Let's get 7 00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:22,959 Speaker 1: to the guts of it. So I've been thinking about 8 00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:27,840 Speaker 1: how I share this message and these thoughts and ideas 9 00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:31,000 Speaker 1: in a way which people don't get upset at, Which 10 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:34,360 Speaker 1: does I can do that? There is a propensity at 11 00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:37,720 Speaker 1: times for me to have a good intention but not 12 00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:42,440 Speaker 1: always get a good result with that good intention. Feel me, 13 00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:45,199 Speaker 1: you've probably done a little bit of that yourself. So 14 00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:51,640 Speaker 1: I'm calling this episode the Great Disempowering. So it's my thinking, 15 00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:59,280 Speaker 1: ladies and gentlemen, judge and jury, that in an attempt 16 00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:07,560 Speaker 1: to protect people from dealing with hard stuff life, messy, uncomfortable, uncertain, scary, 17 00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:12,680 Speaker 1: unfair things, just shit that happens in life. We don't 18 00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:16,480 Speaker 1: want it to, but it does. Life's not a Disney movie. 19 00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:19,120 Speaker 1: In an attempt to protect people from that, and in 20 00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:25,040 Speaker 1: an attempt to I guess make people feel safe and 21 00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:32,679 Speaker 1: comfortable and important and special and not offended. We can 22 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:38,679 Speaker 1: actually disempower people by trying to nerf the world around them. 23 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:44,360 Speaker 1: We can make them more mentally, emotionally and even physically 24 00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:49,160 Speaker 1: vulnerable and fragile in a bad way, not in a 25 00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:54,800 Speaker 1: good way, of course, and then innerfing them mentally emotionally 26 00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:57,800 Speaker 1: and physically or the world around them prevent them from 27 00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:04,320 Speaker 1: having normal real life experiences and challenges that would help 28 00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:10,880 Speaker 1: them build resilience and competence and strength and adaptability and understanding. 29 00:02:10,919 --> 00:02:13,800 Speaker 1: Of course, there's a line, and of course, you know, 30 00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:15,960 Speaker 1: there's a time where I think we should step in 31 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:19,320 Speaker 1: and help or protect. And this is tricky because that 32 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:24,280 Speaker 1: line is not arbitrary. But you know, my as I 33 00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:27,560 Speaker 1: said at the start, my good intentions don't always produce 34 00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:31,680 Speaker 1: good outcomes. And so when we're trying to look after people, 35 00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:35,760 Speaker 1: protect people, hold their hand, you know, not let them 36 00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:40,560 Speaker 1: feel bad, and not let them feel unimportant or unseen 37 00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:44,960 Speaker 1: and to you know, we want our friends and family 38 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:49,280 Speaker 1: and kids and loved ones to feel special. And that's 39 00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:52,919 Speaker 1: a nice intention, but it doesn't always work. It doesn't 40 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:56,079 Speaker 1: always in the short term. It's like I always say 41 00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:58,440 Speaker 1: to my clients and my friends when they really want 42 00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:00,840 Speaker 1: advice or help, when they come to me and they say, 43 00:03:01,919 --> 00:03:03,520 Speaker 1: how do I do this? How do I change that? 44 00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:07,440 Speaker 1: What do you think you know? And I say, do 45 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:12,360 Speaker 1: you really want feedback? Or do you want praise? Do 46 00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:15,600 Speaker 1: you want endorsement? Do you want validation? Or do you 47 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:18,280 Speaker 1: want me to tell you what I see from over 48 00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:22,040 Speaker 1: here as objectively as I can. Of course, I'm looking 49 00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:25,520 Speaker 1: through the Craig lens, but there's a fair chance that 50 00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:29,400 Speaker 1: I can be more objective about you, because your experience 51 00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:33,360 Speaker 1: of you is always subjective, and what I'm going to 52 00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:35,960 Speaker 1: tell you is not necessarily what you want to hear. 53 00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:40,120 Speaker 1: So on the one hand, we say things like, yeah, 54 00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:43,440 Speaker 1: I'm all for feedback, I'm all for personal growth, and 55 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:46,240 Speaker 1: you know, tell me the truth, give it to me straight, 56 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:50,640 Speaker 1: And more times than not is my experience that when 57 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:54,920 Speaker 1: we do give it to somebody straight and it's not 58 00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:58,520 Speaker 1: what they want to hear, then it's more often than 59 00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:01,280 Speaker 1: not a bad outcome, not a good hour come, and 60 00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:07,560 Speaker 1: potentially even going to destroy a relationship. And so, while 61 00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:10,520 Speaker 1: you know, I want to help and support people, I 62 00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:12,960 Speaker 1: want to encourage people. I just started a new mentoring 63 00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:17,039 Speaker 1: program this Monday night go on. I'm recording this Wednesday, 64 00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:18,880 Speaker 1: and one of the things I say to them is 65 00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:21,080 Speaker 1: I'm here to help in sport and encourage and motivate 66 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:25,960 Speaker 1: it and hopefully inspire and poke and pride and ultimately 67 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:29,159 Speaker 1: my job as a coach or even as a podcaster 68 00:04:29,279 --> 00:04:32,120 Speaker 1: in this capacity right now, I see my job or 69 00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:36,680 Speaker 1: my role as helping you to help you, and me 70 00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:40,120 Speaker 1: telling you you're amazing and bloody special and spectacular twenty 71 00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:44,400 Speaker 1: four times a day is not helping you. It's stroking 72 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:48,760 Speaker 1: your ego, it's potentially allaying some kind of fear or anxiety. 73 00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:53,840 Speaker 1: But the truth is, neither you or I are that 74 00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:58,400 Speaker 1: fucking special. We like to think we're all special, and 75 00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:00,720 Speaker 1: I'm sure there are moments where we do special things, 76 00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:03,200 Speaker 1: But the bottom line is where one of eight billion 77 00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:05,920 Speaker 1: on a planet, you know, hurtling through space and time 78 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:09,880 Speaker 1: on a giant, spinning blue rock, you know, that's kind 79 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:12,520 Speaker 1: of who we are and that's what we're doing. And yeah, 80 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:14,800 Speaker 1: in some ways we're special and unique, and in some 81 00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:19,080 Speaker 1: ways we're common. But the bottom line is we're all flawed. 82 00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:23,000 Speaker 1: And if you didn't realize that, you need to think better. 83 00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:27,240 Speaker 1: Do better, make better choices, and produce better outcomes. Then 84 00:05:27,279 --> 00:05:30,159 Speaker 1: you wouldn't be listening to this right now. So you know, now, 85 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:32,400 Speaker 1: that's not an insult, that's an awareness, and that's a 86 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:38,680 Speaker 1: courageous awareness. But you and I live in a world 87 00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:42,479 Speaker 1: where a lot of really well meaning people, like really good, 88 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:47,560 Speaker 1: loving kind people, are trying to create comfort and safety 89 00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:55,679 Speaker 1: and certainty and predictability and fairness for everyone. And while 90 00:05:55,720 --> 00:06:03,080 Speaker 1: that's fine to a point, and it's nice, but again, 91 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,960 Speaker 1: it doesn't always produce that good outcome. And you know, 92 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:09,400 Speaker 1: like I'm interested in you over the long term. I'm 93 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:11,520 Speaker 1: interested in the kind of results that you're going to 94 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:15,040 Speaker 1: produce over the long term more than I am interested 95 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:17,599 Speaker 1: in making you feel good for the next two or 96 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:21,640 Speaker 1: three minutes by telling you everything's amazing, you're great, it'll 97 00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:27,240 Speaker 1: all be fine. The other person's wrong, you're right, you're brilliant. 98 00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:31,080 Speaker 1: This is nice, but it's emotional and psychological fairy floss 99 00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:35,640 Speaker 1: that eventually gives people emotional and psychological diabetes. It's shit 100 00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:39,120 Speaker 1: for us. It's not helpful. It's not helpful at all. 101 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:41,520 Speaker 1: And that's not to say there's not a time where 102 00:06:41,560 --> 00:06:47,400 Speaker 1: genuinely supporting and complementing and validating people isn't appropriate. Of course, 103 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:50,080 Speaker 1: there are those times, but it's not all the time, 104 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:54,320 Speaker 1: and it's not every day, you know. I think sometimes 105 00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:59,720 Speaker 1: in our attempts to protect people from discomfort and uncertainty 106 00:06:59,839 --> 00:07:04,920 Speaker 1: and hardship, we're actually predisposing them to be weaker and 107 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:12,360 Speaker 1: more fragile, and more disempowered and less resilient because they 108 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:14,200 Speaker 1: don't have to deal with hard things. And if you 109 00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,880 Speaker 1: don't deal with heart things, how can you build strength? 110 00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:21,480 Speaker 1: How can you become resilient if you're not navigating uncertainty 111 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:25,600 Speaker 1: and problems. And yes, if we're talking about your kid, 112 00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:29,800 Speaker 1: or your staff, or a family member or a friend, 113 00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:32,239 Speaker 1: someone you love that you know is a bit vulnerable, sure, 114 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,920 Speaker 1: you know, hang in the background, and if you need 115 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:36,680 Speaker 1: to step in, or you think you need to step in, 116 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:38,880 Speaker 1: do so. But let them fall down a bit, let 117 00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:41,560 Speaker 1: them get uncomfortable, let them scrape their knees, let them 118 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:46,720 Speaker 1: be a bit scared, let them let them fail. It's okay, 119 00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:51,080 Speaker 1: Like all of that psychological, emotional and practical mess that mayhem, 120 00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:56,040 Speaker 1: that discomfort, that uncertainty, that is all consistent with just 121 00:07:56,200 --> 00:08:00,200 Speaker 1: living a human life, just having the human experience and 122 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:03,000 Speaker 1: what we want, what we want to help people with 123 00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:07,840 Speaker 1: is to prepare them for the inevitability of let's be honest, shit, 124 00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:12,880 Speaker 1: let's help prepare people for the mess and the mayhem 125 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:17,680 Speaker 1: and the unfairness and the uncertainty of relationships and business 126 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:23,440 Speaker 1: and personal development and health and all of the things 127 00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:30,160 Speaker 1: that just constitute being a human. I'm not talking about 128 00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:33,680 Speaker 1: throwing people in the deep end without a life raft. 129 00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:38,480 Speaker 1: I'm talking about the problem of bubble wrapping life so 130 00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:42,880 Speaker 1: much that we don't allow people, or we deny people. 131 00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:46,760 Speaker 1: I guess the challenges and the experiences and the interactions 132 00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:51,720 Speaker 1: and the pitfalls and downfalls and bullshit that would make 133 00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:57,600 Speaker 1: them strong. I'm as a coach and mentor, I'm way 134 00:08:57,679 --> 00:09:00,760 Speaker 1: more interested in helping the people that I work with 135 00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:05,640 Speaker 1: become strong, adaptable, competent, resilient, able to perform in the 136 00:09:05,679 --> 00:09:09,120 Speaker 1: middle of chaos than I am in making them comfortable 137 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:13,240 Speaker 1: or making them feel good. And it's not that I 138 00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:16,040 Speaker 1: don't care. In fact, it's that I do care so much. 139 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:20,400 Speaker 1: If I was all about wanting people to like me 140 00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:23,840 Speaker 1: or being popular with the people that I'm around or 141 00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:27,920 Speaker 1: talking to, I would constantly reinforce what they want to hear, 142 00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:31,000 Speaker 1: I would tell them exactly what they want to hear. 143 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:36,440 Speaker 1: I would be prioritized and preoccupied with making them feel 144 00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:39,559 Speaker 1: good and making them like me, so that I am 145 00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:44,160 Speaker 1: basically a walking endorsement of whatever they already think and 146 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:47,920 Speaker 1: want to hear. So let's get into it. Why is 147 00:09:48,559 --> 00:09:52,040 Speaker 1: discomfort potentially good for us? Why is struggle good? Why 148 00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:54,240 Speaker 1: is pain wise? Why are all those things that I 149 00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:57,720 Speaker 1: bang on good bang on about why they're good? They're 150 00:09:57,760 --> 00:10:00,920 Speaker 1: good because they help us become the version of us 151 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:04,239 Speaker 1: that we need to become, so that we can navigate 152 00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:07,160 Speaker 1: all of life, the good and bad, the peaks and trosts, 153 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:11,640 Speaker 1: the joy and pain. We can navigate that stuff more effectively. 154 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:16,360 Speaker 1: This is the thing. When the shit storm cometh, and 155 00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:20,920 Speaker 1: it comes when it comes, if we've already been through 156 00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:25,319 Speaker 1: a version of the storm, because we're dealing with hard things, 157 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:29,640 Speaker 1: when the real shit comes, we're ready, we're prepared. But 158 00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:34,400 Speaker 1: when we've lived in this metaphoric bubble wrap by virtue 159 00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:37,360 Speaker 1: of the people around us, or our situation, or our circumstance, 160 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:43,280 Speaker 1: or our overprotective, doting, well meaning, beautiful but not particularly 161 00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:48,480 Speaker 1: helpful parents, then when the shit comes, we're fucked. We're 162 00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:51,720 Speaker 1: fucked because we don't have the capacity, we don't have 163 00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:54,920 Speaker 1: the physical, mental, emotional capacity or bandwidth to be able 164 00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:57,720 Speaker 1: to deal with the things that we need to deal with. 165 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:05,040 Speaker 1: There's this really nice concept by I think it's Nassim Taleb, 166 00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:11,120 Speaker 1: called the anti fragility paradox, and it's the idea that 167 00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:15,200 Speaker 1: things like muscles and bones and even minds don't just 168 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:19,400 Speaker 1: survive stress, they require stress to grow. You've heard me 169 00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:22,400 Speaker 1: talk about this progressive overload in the gym. How do 170 00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:25,559 Speaker 1: we build strength? We do something hard in our body adapts, 171 00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:30,280 Speaker 1: so we don't just survive stress, we actually require it 172 00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:32,440 Speaker 1: to become the better version of ourselves. So if you 173 00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:36,440 Speaker 1: take for example, bones, your skeleton. Put someone in zero 174 00:11:36,559 --> 00:11:41,880 Speaker 1: gravity like astronauts in space, right, there's no stress, there's 175 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:45,480 Speaker 1: no stress, And so what starts happening to those bones 176 00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:50,320 Speaker 1: is they literally start deteriorating. Bone density drops, they become weak, 177 00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:53,920 Speaker 1: they become fragile. And why does that happen. Well, that 178 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:59,760 Speaker 1: happens because bones need resistance, bones need impact, bones need 179 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:02,480 Speaker 1: dress to stay strong. And it's the same with muscles, 180 00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:06,080 Speaker 1: and it's the same with minds. But we live in 181 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:14,360 Speaker 1: a culture where we are consciously intentionally and actively to 182 00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:21,560 Speaker 1: our own detriment, removing the stresses that build this mental 183 00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:25,240 Speaker 1: and emotional resistance that I'm talking about. We're eliminating competition 184 00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:29,600 Speaker 1: so no one feels bad about losing. We don't want 185 00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:34,640 Speaker 1: winners and losers. We just want people to have fun. 186 00:12:35,679 --> 00:12:40,280 Speaker 1: And that's a beautiful thought. But when we get the 187 00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:43,280 Speaker 1: kid that doesn't win or lose, but every kid gets 188 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:45,680 Speaker 1: a ribbon, and so they don't really understand what is 189 00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:50,160 Speaker 1: coming first, what is coming last, what is loss? When 190 00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:54,920 Speaker 1: loss happens after they get out of the participation ribbon 191 00:12:55,559 --> 00:12:58,360 Speaker 1: bubble and they get out of that and they step 192 00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:01,640 Speaker 1: out into the world where participation and ribbons don't fucking happen, 193 00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:03,840 Speaker 1: and then they get smashed in the face with the 194 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:06,640 Speaker 1: reality stick, and that is you are a loser and 195 00:13:06,679 --> 00:13:09,560 Speaker 1: you don't have any capacity to deal with losing because 196 00:13:09,559 --> 00:13:13,120 Speaker 1: you've never experienced it. Then we've set our kids up 197 00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:17,880 Speaker 1: for failure, in my opinion, your honor. We avoid difficult 198 00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:22,080 Speaker 1: conversations because we don't want anyone to get uncomfortable. We 199 00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:25,360 Speaker 1: don't want anyone to get offended, so we won't say things. 200 00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:33,240 Speaker 1: You know, when I was a kid, I was simultaneously 201 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:37,480 Speaker 1: fat and a kid. I was a fat kid. But 202 00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:39,880 Speaker 1: people hate it when I say that, because it's like 203 00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:43,320 Speaker 1: I'm saying something that's horrible and nasty, and I'm not. 204 00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:47,480 Speaker 1: Trust me, I'm the person I'm talking about. These are 205 00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:50,640 Speaker 1: just two objective bits of data. One, I was a 206 00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:54,439 Speaker 1: child too. I was morbidly obese. Put them together, obese child. 207 00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:57,720 Speaker 1: I'm not judging my character or my worth, or my 208 00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:00,960 Speaker 1: identity or my personality or my value tell you in 209 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:04,120 Speaker 1: that statement, I'm just saying, but you and I live 210 00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:06,600 Speaker 1: in a time where there are no fat children, there's 211 00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:11,320 Speaker 1: no obesity, there are no problems or consequences. Everyone's the same. 212 00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:15,280 Speaker 1: It's all good. It's a Hollywood movie, but it's just 213 00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:18,200 Speaker 1: not true. The outcomes are not there. All of that 214 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:21,760 Speaker 1: thinking and all of that molly coddling and all of 215 00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:27,960 Speaker 1: that kind of high level avoidance doesn't equate to good outcome. 216 00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:36,200 Speaker 1: We're cushioning people from every possible hardship, and we think 217 00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:40,960 Speaker 1: we're helping, but I truly think we're doing the opposite. 218 00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:45,680 Speaker 1: And that doesn't mean everybody's got to constantly experience difficulty 219 00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:48,360 Speaker 1: or hardship or problems. Of course, it doesn't all the time. 220 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:51,240 Speaker 1: Of course, of course. And I don't think you or 221 00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:53,720 Speaker 1: I are the judges of what people should or shouldn't 222 00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:59,240 Speaker 1: expect that. I'm definitely not, but I have I need 223 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:01,680 Speaker 1: to be careful and sensitive. How I say this, I'm 224 00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:04,000 Speaker 1: not going to mention anyone, but I've trained lots of 225 00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:09,400 Speaker 1: wealthy clients over the time, people living in privilege, and 226 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:12,200 Speaker 1: good on them. There's no there's no hate here. They 227 00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:16,120 Speaker 1: lived in privilege, they lived in you know, opulence in 228 00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:21,200 Speaker 1: some cases. And I would not always, but quite often 229 00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:23,600 Speaker 1: they would. I'm talking years ago when I was full 230 00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:27,160 Speaker 1: time up to my neck in personal training. They would 231 00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:32,600 Speaker 1: bring me their kids to train, and their kids were spoiled, precious, 232 00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:40,040 Speaker 1: precocious humans with no resilience, with terrible attitudes that that 233 00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:44,240 Speaker 1: would crack the shits, that would sook, that would complain 234 00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:50,400 Speaker 1: constantly at the at the nearest site of anything remotely 235 00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:54,440 Speaker 1: difficult or uncomfortable. And I had lots of chats with 236 00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:57,880 Speaker 1: you know, with parents about that. I'm like, I don't 237 00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:01,160 Speaker 1: know what you're doing, but this kid cannot with anything. 238 00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:09,440 Speaker 1: We need a level of hardship, we need resistance to 239 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:12,720 Speaker 1: work against because, like every one of you would say, 240 00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:14,760 Speaker 1: if I asked, I think you would. I could be wrong, 241 00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:16,640 Speaker 1: But if I said, would you like to be strong 242 00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:21,640 Speaker 1: and resilient and adaptable and capable of performing under extreme pressure? 243 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:24,080 Speaker 1: Would you like that? I think you would all say yes. 244 00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:27,240 Speaker 1: Then my next question will be, well, what are you 245 00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:31,560 Speaker 1: doing to develop the skills and competence and capacity to 246 00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:36,480 Speaker 1: be able to do what I just described. It's like 247 00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:40,960 Speaker 1: protecting a tree from the wind. If a tree never 248 00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:45,160 Speaker 1: experiences the wind, it never grows strong roots or deep roots. 249 00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:49,120 Speaker 1: Then the first time a real storm comes, it's done. 250 00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:52,080 Speaker 1: It's dead. Boom, it's gone, it's out of the ground. 251 00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:58,080 Speaker 1: And I feel like sometimes we're raising generations of metaphorical 252 00:16:58,160 --> 00:17:06,440 Speaker 1: trees with shallow roots. And of course, like intentions matter, 253 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:12,199 Speaker 1: I know that people trying to create ultra safe environments 254 00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:16,120 Speaker 1: mean well, and of course there are environments, especially when 255 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:21,080 Speaker 1: we talk in you know, home situations and work situations 256 00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:24,840 Speaker 1: where people really do need help and some kind of 257 00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:29,600 Speaker 1: intervention and significant support. Of course, that is real, that 258 00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:34,600 Speaker 1: is real. But sometimes in the middle of trying to 259 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:44,120 Speaker 1: create these risk adverse, ultra safe, super comfortable environments, we're 260 00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:48,639 Speaker 1: creating more problems and solutions. Because life is not a 261 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:53,359 Speaker 1: controlled environment. Outside of the work or outside of the home, 262 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:59,879 Speaker 1: or outside of that particular relationship. Away from that, life 263 00:18:00,119 --> 00:18:03,920 Speaker 1: is not a controlled environment. It is full of all 264 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:07,119 Speaker 1: of the stuff that I speak about too much, uncertainty, unfamiliarity, 265 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:09,240 Speaker 1: the unknown, all of that stuff. And so in the 266 00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:12,520 Speaker 1: real world, we're going to experience failure. That's it. You're 267 00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:14,640 Speaker 1: going to fail. You're going to get things wrong, You're 268 00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:16,920 Speaker 1: going to fuck up, You're going to be embarrassed, You're 269 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:20,720 Speaker 1: going to be rejected. There'll be rejection, there'll be difficulty, 270 00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:26,360 Speaker 1: there'll be cruelty, there'll be unfairness, there'll be despite your 271 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:31,640 Speaker 1: best endeavors, there will be poor outcomes. And if we've 272 00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:36,240 Speaker 1: never had to learn to handle discomfort because society or schools, 273 00:18:36,359 --> 00:18:42,159 Speaker 1: or family or workplaces have shielded us from it, we 274 00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:45,760 Speaker 1: have very little chance of being the survivor or the 275 00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:49,680 Speaker 1: thriver when real adversity shows up. And so instead of 276 00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:53,760 Speaker 1: bouncing back, we break. Instead of solving the problem, we panic. 277 00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:58,159 Speaker 1: Instead of adapting, you know, we blame. And instead of 278 00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:05,120 Speaker 1: instead instead of managing our own life, we get managed 279 00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:09,600 Speaker 1: by life. And we see this playing out all over 280 00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:13,239 Speaker 1: the place, the rise in mental fragility and ententitlement and 281 00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:18,120 Speaker 1: offense taking. It's not just a coincidence. It's not happening 282 00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:22,240 Speaker 1: for no reason. It's a byproduct of our collective obsession 283 00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:29,120 Speaker 1: with making everything safe. But the truth is that strength 284 00:19:29,119 --> 00:19:32,800 Speaker 1: and competence is built in the uncomfortable and sometimes the 285 00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:40,440 Speaker 1: unsafe places. So so how do we fix it? All right? 286 00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:44,200 Speaker 1: So that's the problem or that's the reality, So how 287 00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:47,679 Speaker 1: do we make sure that or how do we at 288 00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:50,320 Speaker 1: least try to make sure that we're not part of 289 00:19:50,359 --> 00:19:56,720 Speaker 1: the great disempowering So there's no three step kind of 290 00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:59,080 Speaker 1: like with everything, there's no three step plan. But here 291 00:19:59,119 --> 00:20:06,760 Speaker 1: are some thoughts. So one after he says no three steads, well, 292 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:11,080 Speaker 1: these are not anyway. So let's try and normalize discomfort. 293 00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:15,160 Speaker 1: Let's try and make that a normal part of our 294 00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:18,679 Speaker 1: operating system. And to teach kids and students and employees 295 00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:22,040 Speaker 1: and friends and who you know, athletes or whoever we 296 00:20:22,119 --> 00:20:25,920 Speaker 1: are leading or mentoring or supporting, let's teach them that 297 00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:32,840 Speaker 1: it's okay, Like discomfort is okay, failure is okay, vulnerability 298 00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:38,280 Speaker 1: is okay, Embarrassment is okay. Mental and emotional and physical discomfort, 299 00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:42,720 Speaker 1: these struggles are just part of life and so instead 300 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:45,280 Speaker 1: of avoiding all of that, we try and normalize it. 301 00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:50,159 Speaker 1: We try and normalize it. My next idea is that 302 00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:56,560 Speaker 1: we encourage competence, not just confidence. Confidence is great, but 303 00:20:56,640 --> 00:21:00,680 Speaker 1: it's kind of empty without competence. So stop telling people 304 00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:06,320 Speaker 1: they're amazing no matter what if and by the way, 305 00:21:06,359 --> 00:21:09,399 Speaker 1: when we're constantly telling people be they kids are at 306 00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:14,000 Speaker 1: how incredible they are, eventually it has no power. Eventually 307 00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:18,040 Speaker 1: it doesn't have the emotional psychological impact. And also eventually, 308 00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:21,080 Speaker 1: once you're not doing it, it's almost like a drug 309 00:21:21,119 --> 00:21:24,120 Speaker 1: where our receptors kind of adjust. If you're not doing 310 00:21:24,119 --> 00:21:29,040 Speaker 1: it anymore, then people then people start to demand it 311 00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:32,400 Speaker 1: for nothing, because we've programmed and conditioned them that all 312 00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:34,359 Speaker 1: they need to do is fucking get out of bed 313 00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:36,240 Speaker 1: and we give them a trophy or a round of 314 00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:41,000 Speaker 1: applause or some kind of accolade. But let's help them 315 00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:48,119 Speaker 1: become amazing through building skill and building resilience and having 316 00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:54,119 Speaker 1: new experiences and leaning into their fear and embracing the 317 00:21:54,160 --> 00:22:01,240 Speaker 1: tough stuff, and also, within reason, let people struggle. If 318 00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:06,520 Speaker 1: you rescue your person from every challenge, they ain't gonna 319 00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:11,520 Speaker 1: learn to be independent. They ain't gonna learn to deal 320 00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:16,640 Speaker 1: with things on their own, And sometimes the most empowering 321 00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:21,600 Speaker 1: thing you can do is not to do anything as 322 00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:23,560 Speaker 1: much as you want to fix it, save it, solve it. 323 00:22:24,119 --> 00:22:27,040 Speaker 1: And I get it because I'm like that too. I'm 324 00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:29,280 Speaker 1: a little bit of a fuck I'll fix this for you. 325 00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:33,000 Speaker 1: I used to be way way more down. They let 326 00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:35,560 Speaker 1: me fix it because I want you to like me, 327 00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:37,320 Speaker 1: and I can fix this, and I'm good at this. 328 00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:41,400 Speaker 1: But in me fixing, solving it, saving them, I wasn't 329 00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:45,520 Speaker 1: actually helping them. I wasn't at Sometimes the best thing 330 00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:48,359 Speaker 1: for me to do is say something, one or two things, 331 00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:51,320 Speaker 1: maybe say nothing. But often the best thing for me 332 00:22:51,359 --> 00:22:54,000 Speaker 1: to do is get out of the road, maybe stick 333 00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:57,679 Speaker 1: around in case there's a catastrophe and they really need me. 334 00:22:57,840 --> 00:23:03,119 Speaker 1: But I try very much much not to intervene unless 335 00:23:03,119 --> 00:23:07,679 Speaker 1: I need to, And I try very much not to 336 00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:11,919 Speaker 1: give people accolades or compliments that they have not earned. 337 00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:14,679 Speaker 1: If they earn it one hundred percent, they're getting it 338 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:18,640 Speaker 1: one hundred percent. But like I said before, if people 339 00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:22,040 Speaker 1: are getting a trophy, a metaphoric trophy, or round of 340 00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:26,520 Speaker 1: applause for doing something that really is not special, then 341 00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:29,119 Speaker 1: you're the creator of that problem. In their life because 342 00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:33,200 Speaker 1: you've set them up for an expectation that is inconsistent 343 00:23:33,359 --> 00:23:37,480 Speaker 1: with the practical reality of surviving and thriving in life 344 00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:46,080 Speaker 1: away from the bubble. And maybe let's redefine safe. Of course, 345 00:23:46,119 --> 00:23:51,080 Speaker 1: safety matters, but safety safety doesn't mean never being uncomfortable. 346 00:23:52,359 --> 00:23:56,240 Speaker 1: Safe means having the tools and the resilience and the 347 00:23:56,320 --> 00:24:03,440 Speaker 1: capacity to handle things that are hard. So here's the 348 00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:09,680 Speaker 1: big question. Are we protecting people or are we disempowering them? 349 00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:14,480 Speaker 1: And this is a tricky one because there are very 350 00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:18,320 Speaker 1: few absolutes with this, and it's slightly different strategies and 351 00:24:18,359 --> 00:24:23,840 Speaker 1: approaches for different people, you know, and it depends. You know, 352 00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:26,400 Speaker 1: there's like stuff with my mum and dad now, who 353 00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:28,439 Speaker 1: in their mid eighties, and I go, how much do 354 00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:30,959 Speaker 1: I do? How much do I help my dad? How 355 00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:33,200 Speaker 1: much do I let my dad struggle with that thing 356 00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:36,320 Speaker 1: so that he might build a little bit more confidence 357 00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:38,919 Speaker 1: or confidence with that thing, And so it's like, this 358 00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:41,239 Speaker 1: is not clearly defined, but I think this is an 359 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:44,760 Speaker 1: important conversation to have. It. It's an important thing for 360 00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:49,240 Speaker 1: us to think about, you know, and maybe for some 361 00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:52,000 Speaker 1: of us it's time to stop bubble wrapping life and 362 00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:59,159 Speaker 1: start to even for ourselves, build resilience because like it 363 00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:04,639 Speaker 1: or not, wanted on not, life's not easy. Sometimes it is, 364 00:25:04,680 --> 00:25:08,080 Speaker 1: but life's not typically easy. Just take a look around, 365 00:25:08,119 --> 00:25:09,639 Speaker 1: take a look at the world, take a look at 366 00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:14,800 Speaker 1: the people in your own proximity. Once it or not, 367 00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:18,080 Speaker 1: it is challenging, it is unpredictable, it's often brutal. But 368 00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:20,960 Speaker 1: those challenges are the things that kind of help train 369 00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:26,480 Speaker 1: us for what is to come. That's probably enough. And 370 00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:29,520 Speaker 1: I know this is a very Craig Harper episode, but 371 00:25:31,520 --> 00:25:36,760 Speaker 1: you know, I'm I'm all for supporting and encouraging and 372 00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:40,760 Speaker 1: loving people towards becoming the version of themselves that they 373 00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:45,000 Speaker 1: want to be. But I actually know that that outcome 374 00:25:45,119 --> 00:25:47,760 Speaker 1: is not about my words. And yes, I want to 375 00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:50,600 Speaker 1: encourage and support you, and I hope that you enjoy 376 00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:52,920 Speaker 1: what I do and say I hope if you don't, 377 00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:56,119 Speaker 1: that's totally okay. But more than all of that self 378 00:25:56,200 --> 00:26:01,560 Speaker 1: gratifying bullshit, for me, what really matters is your capacity 379 00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:06,639 Speaker 1: and willingness and courage to apply the things that you 380 00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:10,760 Speaker 1: hear in this show that resonate and are meaningful and 381 00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:13,400 Speaker 1: might even hurt a little bit, but under the hurt, 382 00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:17,359 Speaker 1: you know, It's true when you can at the same 383 00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:20,359 Speaker 1: time go fuck you, Craig, but also you're right, and 384 00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:26,720 Speaker 1: then do something with it. You're on your way.