WEBVTT - 253. Flashback Friday - You Don’t Have To Stay Stuck

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<v Speaker 1>Apogee Production. Welcome to the Sheep Risers Podcast. I'm Ashy

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<v Speaker 1>and I'm Tiana.

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<v Speaker 2>This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to

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<v Speaker 2>be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.

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<v Speaker 1>We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.

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<v Speaker 1>We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone

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<v Speaker 1>else is too afraid to talk about.

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<v Speaker 2>Get ready for your next level of self.

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<v Speaker 1>Panic attacks continued on four years. I'm trying to remember

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<v Speaker 1>the last one I had over five years ago, but

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<v Speaker 1>I went through a couple of year period where they

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<v Speaker 1>were so bad. I used to be on the floor

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<v Speaker 1>physically pulling my hair out, scratching my whole body, screaming

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<v Speaker 1>like like I could not breathe, and Steve would just

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<v Speaker 1>like hold me to try and stop me from like

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<v Speaker 1>calming myself and to try to get me to calm down.

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<v Speaker 1>And sometimes I wanted him to hold me, and other

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<v Speaker 1>times I would like resist and want to like not

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<v Speaker 1>be touched, but he was so worried, like of me

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<v Speaker 1>hurting myself, and I felt so out of control, and

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't speak to anyone about this. I was so

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<v Speaker 1>embarrassed because no one talks about having these big episodes.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it was.

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<v Speaker 1>A time where the trolling was really bad online. I

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<v Speaker 1>was just not coping with life. And that's when I

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<v Speaker 1>hired a life coach, and they really helped give me

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<v Speaker 1>tools and strategies to help. When I start to feel

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<v Speaker 1>you can feel it coming on. You can feel the

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<v Speaker 1>shortness of of your breath, you can feel the sweating.

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<v Speaker 1>You might get shaky, you can't think straight, You're so

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<v Speaker 1>focused on these thoughts. It just literally consumed you. So

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<v Speaker 1>they gave me tools and strategies so when I can

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<v Speaker 1>start to feel those triggers and signs come on, that

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<v Speaker 1>I can get a hold of them before they get

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<v Speaker 1>a hold of me.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, that's so good.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, continuing on over the last couple of years, Like

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<v Speaker 1>I would say, I am far from an anxious person now,

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<v Speaker 1>which is really cool to reflect back on. Takes me

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<v Speaker 1>a lot to get anxious, and even if I get

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<v Speaker 1>anxious thoughts, I'm very quick to like coach myself, you

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<v Speaker 1>saw me the other day when something happened, put my

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<v Speaker 1>phone down. I was like literally said to myself in

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<v Speaker 1>my head, like you're safe, Tiger's not attacking you. You're okay.

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<v Speaker 1>Like I had to like, calm myself down. Doesn't mean

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<v Speaker 1>that I wasn't right or I wasn't upset, but I

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<v Speaker 1>have to coach myself so if I don't, I can

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<v Speaker 1>see myself spiraling. Yeah. So the longer that I've worked

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<v Speaker 1>on myself and I've got these tools and strategies that

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<v Speaker 1>have proven to work for me, it's just gotten less

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<v Speaker 1>and less and less. So it's really cool to be

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<v Speaker 1>in a phase just where I'm at right now that

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<v Speaker 1>I can take care of myself and not allow it

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<v Speaker 1>to get that bad. And one thing that really struck

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<v Speaker 1>me was when the doctor said to me, you have

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<v Speaker 1>depression and you have an anxiety disorder. That became my identity.

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<v Speaker 1>That's who I was. If you had asked who's actually,

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<v Speaker 1>I'll be like, oh, I'm depressed at the moment and

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<v Speaker 1>I have anxiety, so you probably won't want to hang

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<v Speaker 1>out with me. And I was like isolate as well.

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<v Speaker 1>That was who I was. Whereas now, if I ever

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<v Speaker 1>feel I'm in a lower state, and I know everyone's

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<v Speaker 1>situation is different, I definitely believe in depression and anxiety

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<v Speaker 1>being a disorder for sure, But now that I've worked

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<v Speaker 1>through all of that, I will say instead of saying

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<v Speaker 1>I have anxiety or I feel like I'm going to

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<v Speaker 1>have an anxiety attack, I was like, I'm having anxious

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<v Speaker 1>thoughts because I'm worried about the future. Now. I want

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<v Speaker 1>to talk about that with whoever, or sit with myself

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<v Speaker 1>or just regulate myself so I can calm my nervous

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<v Speaker 1>system and then see what I need to do. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, and if I ever feel myself getting depressed thoughts,

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<v Speaker 1>it's because I'm going back in my past. I'm thinking

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<v Speaker 1>about what's happened, and I'm going back to my victim

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<v Speaker 1>or I'm replaying situations in my head. And that's when

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<v Speaker 1>I'll also book sessions with a coach too. If there's

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<v Speaker 1>more things I need to talk about, I'll get it

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<v Speaker 1>out and I'll work through it. So that's kind of

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<v Speaker 1>been my journey with it. And it was really really hard,

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<v Speaker 1>awful hard, So she would I felt like I had

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<v Speaker 1>no one to talk about it with. I was so embarrassed,

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<v Speaker 1>so embarrassed, and I remember telling one of my girlfriends

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<v Speaker 1>and her reaction just shut me off even more. Not

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<v Speaker 1>that she did anything wrong, but she was like, holy shit,

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<v Speaker 1>she had a big reaction. It was a big reaction.

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<v Speaker 1>It wasn't like I get it here for you. It

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<v Speaker 1>was like, oh my god, you pull your hair. Yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>I was like yeah, and like scratch myself. She's like,

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<v Speaker 1>oh my god. I was wondering what these marks were

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<v Speaker 1>in your arms from oh fuck, okay, what do you

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<v Speaker 1>do about those? Oh? I was like, I'm never telling

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<v Speaker 1>anyone ever. I was like, I am alone in this.

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<v Speaker 1>I've never heard anyone talk about this, So I just

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<v Speaker 1>have to hide this and be ashamed of it. And

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<v Speaker 1>even Steve I was so embarrassed, and I felt so

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<v Speaker 1>bad that he had to be there to witness all

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<v Speaker 1>of that.

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<v Speaker 2>That was awful. That was gonna be my next question.

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<v Speaker 2>I was just about to say, how is it for

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<v Speaker 2>you to be seen in that by Steve?

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<v Speaker 1>I mean now, in hindsight, I'm like, Wow, he has

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<v Speaker 1>loved me at my absolute worst. Yeah, he has seen

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<v Speaker 1>me like no one has ever seen me before, my

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<v Speaker 1>most roorst, most vulnerable, awful moments to reflect on, and

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<v Speaker 1>he just held me in all of it, not once

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<v Speaker 1>that he put me down or anything. He would always

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<v Speaker 1>speak to me after about it and say like, I

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<v Speaker 1>get really worried and scared when you get like that.

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<v Speaker 1>I hate seeing you do that to yourself. I would

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<v Speaker 1>do anything for you not to do that. Yeah, if

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<v Speaker 1>we would like be in a heated argument, sometimes I

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<v Speaker 1>would get like that. And I don't think that was

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<v Speaker 1>nice for him either, because then it would distract what

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<v Speaker 1>we actually needed to talk about. So then it would

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<v Speaker 1>make him scared to bring up that topic again in

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<v Speaker 1>case I got really worked up, I see, And once

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<v Speaker 1>he highlighted that, I was like, oh, yeah, I don't

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<v Speaker 1>want to do that, because how is he ever going

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<v Speaker 1>to feel safe to come to me and open up

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<v Speaker 1>this conversation. He's just going to have to sweep everything

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<v Speaker 1>in case I have an anxiety attack, And I was like,

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<v Speaker 1>I don't want my relationship to be like that. So

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<v Speaker 1>that was a really big wake up call and just

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<v Speaker 1>more motivation for me to want to focus my nervous

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<v Speaker 1>system regulation daily, not just when it gets bad, not

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<v Speaker 1>when I'm getting my period, not when life gets hard.

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<v Speaker 1>Day to day. I worry about how much water I drink,

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<v Speaker 1>if I'm getting enough nutrients, if I'm taking my supplements.

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<v Speaker 1>Where's my nervous system at, where's my battery at? Do

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<v Speaker 1>I need to plug in? If I need to plug

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<v Speaker 1>out from everyone? What do I need right now to

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<v Speaker 1>keep myself in the best state to be able to

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<v Speaker 1>handle and manage whatever I need to handle and manage,

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<v Speaker 1>because life's never going to be like this. It's always

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<v Speaker 1>up and down. So so many learnings that have come

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<v Speaker 1>so far, But I would never go on medication again.

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<v Speaker 1>Personally for myself, I didn't find it helped me at all.

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<v Speaker 1>It just numbed me. But short term and long term

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<v Speaker 1>I don't think that benefited me. Yeah, Whereas I do

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<v Speaker 1>know some people that need to be on it and

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<v Speaker 1>are on it and it's made them feel a lot

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<v Speaker 1>better and it's stopped them having suicidal thoughts and they're

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<v Speaker 1>able to live their life and be peaceful. And I'm like, awesome,

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah that works for you. Great. So that's why we

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<v Speaker 1>said it start. It's not a one size fits all.

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<v Speaker 1>But for me personally, I didn't feel the medication that

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<v Speaker 1>I was put on was good for me. Yeah. I

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<v Speaker 1>don't want to ever numb out. I want to feel

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<v Speaker 1>the depth of the pain because that represents how much

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<v Speaker 1>I loved something or someone. You know, when I'm feeling something,

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<v Speaker 1>it's because I care about it so much. If I'm

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<v Speaker 1>numbed or don't give a shit about something, and I

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<v Speaker 1>don't give a shit about it, but if I'm feeling it,

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<v Speaker 1>because it shows how much I care, and I'm a

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<v Speaker 1>very caring person, you know, So I don't ever want

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<v Speaker 1>to numb any of that out. I kind of welcome

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<v Speaker 1>that in now because I feel like I can hold it. Oh,

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<v Speaker 1>I love that. Yeah, I feel like we should just

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<v Speaker 1>end the episode there, mic drop. No, I want to

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<v Speaker 1>hear yours.

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<v Speaker 2>No, everything you just said, you just had. I was

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<v Speaker 2>thinking as you're talking just towards the end, and I

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<v Speaker 2>was like, fuck, I'm so sucked into, like just hearing

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<v Speaker 2>this story and your experience in this.

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<v Speaker 1>I think I've shared that with you before, having not

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<v Speaker 1>to this depth.

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<v Speaker 2>No, we've spoken about panic attacks for sure. Yeah, that's

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<v Speaker 2>really incredible. Thank you.

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<v Speaker 1>It's been a long journey, but I'm definitely proud to

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<v Speaker 1>be at the other side, that's for sure, and so

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<v Speaker 1>stoked that I can show my kids how to manage

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<v Speaker 1>life without it getting that bad. Yeah, you know your journey,

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<v Speaker 1>tell me all about yours.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh, my journey was more around the time where I had,

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<v Speaker 2>like the sex tape happened. So when that kind of

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<v Speaker 2>experience happened. It was like the first trigger of experiencing

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<v Speaker 2>panic attacks for me. So in that time, I was

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<v Speaker 2>in a very low state mentally though, So I was

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<v Speaker 2>not in a good way mentally. I was struggling. I

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<v Speaker 2>had suicidal thoughts. I felt quite depressed. I think I

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<v Speaker 2>labeled myself this is like high functioning anxiety or like

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<v Speaker 2>high functioning depression. Like that's how I saw myself in

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<v Speaker 2>that point, because I was feeling all these things behind

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<v Speaker 2>closed doors, but on the forefront, it looked like I

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<v Speaker 2>was doing so much.

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<v Speaker 1>You could still functioning, do everything you needed to do.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, but it was like my heart was aching and

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<v Speaker 2>like my thoughts were eating away at me. And I

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<v Speaker 2>just remember when that first happened, having an almost panic attack.

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<v Speaker 2>It wasn't like a bull on panic attack, but it

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<v Speaker 2>was like enough that like I couldn't regulate myself for

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<v Speaker 2>a few hours, Like I was in that state of

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<v Speaker 2>like I don't know what to do, and I don't

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<v Speaker 2>know who to call, and I don't know who can

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<v Speaker 2>help me. It was like when I just found out

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<v Speaker 2>about the video being released, and I was sitting in

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<v Speaker 2>the bottom of my shower and I was like just

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<v Speaker 2>so overwhelmed emotionally, like I was crying and I was shaking,

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<v Speaker 2>and like my whole body was responding, but I didn't

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<v Speaker 2>know how to stop it. And it was just like

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<v Speaker 2>that for like literally like a couple of hours, and

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<v Speaker 2>I was like, there's nothing that I know how to

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<v Speaker 2>do or how to stop this because I'd never experienced

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<v Speaker 2>it before. My nervous system was so dysregulated, my breath

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<v Speaker 2>was so short, and I just I couldn't turn twenty one,

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<v Speaker 2>didn't feel like I could turn twenty body, didn't have

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<v Speaker 2>anybody necessarily to call to be like, hey, this is

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<v Speaker 2>what's happening. I was just like, this is something that

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<v Speaker 2>like I should be shameful of, Like I shouldn't be

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<v Speaker 2>experiencing this. And so after that, I kind of fell

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<v Speaker 2>into party and drugs and that sort of stuff to cope,

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<v Speaker 2>to cope, yeah, to like numb myself out, and to

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<v Speaker 2>kind of get the confidence back that I had lost

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<v Speaker 2>when I was sober. So through that experience, it was

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<v Speaker 2>just me, you know, this care free version of myself

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<v Speaker 2>came out when I was drinking. But then what the

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<v Speaker 2>aftermath of that was more panic attacks, was me coming

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<v Speaker 2>down for two weeks at a time and just being

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<v Speaker 2>in a fucking absolute mess of a state mentally in

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<v Speaker 2>that place, and then that leading to panic attacks, and

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<v Speaker 2>so it would become like more freaking. It was only

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<v Speaker 2>like over a couple of month period when I was

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<v Speaker 2>in like a really hectic party stage, it was like

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<v Speaker 2>it would bring it on more. I remember every single

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<v Speaker 2>time feeling like I couldn't share it with anybody because

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<v Speaker 2>I was just I felt so isolated in there isn't it.

0:09:57.801 --> 0:09:59.361
<v Speaker 2>I felt like no one could relate to what I

0:09:59.401 --> 0:10:01.641
<v Speaker 2>was going through. So I didn't know how to explain

0:10:02.001 --> 0:10:04.241
<v Speaker 2>how I was feeling and what it was doing to

0:10:04.521 --> 0:10:06.841
<v Speaker 2>me and my mind, my nervous system. Like at the time,

0:10:06.841 --> 0:10:09.001
<v Speaker 2>I didn't have the words. I didn't know how to

0:10:09.041 --> 0:10:10.641
<v Speaker 2>describe that or explain that.

0:10:11.481 --> 0:10:13.561
<v Speaker 1>Did you ever go on medication? Did your doctor ever

0:10:13.681 --> 0:10:14.521
<v Speaker 1>say to no?

0:10:14.761 --> 0:10:18.881
<v Speaker 2>So I didn't go on medication. But my family just

0:10:18.921 --> 0:10:22.401
<v Speaker 2>have always kind of just been more natural, holistic side

0:10:22.401 --> 0:10:24.721
<v Speaker 2>of things sort of things. So it wasn't really my

0:10:24.841 --> 0:10:27.681
<v Speaker 2>first option. I had considered it at one point, but

0:10:27.761 --> 0:10:29.881
<v Speaker 2>I just for me, I was like, no, it's just

0:10:29.921 --> 0:10:32.001
<v Speaker 2>not an option. So I kind of just I got

0:10:32.041 --> 0:10:33.761
<v Speaker 2>stuck in it for a while. I got stuck in

0:10:33.801 --> 0:10:35.961
<v Speaker 2>my own mindset. I really felt like a victim in that

0:10:36.001 --> 0:10:38.241
<v Speaker 2>point in my life as well, because I felt sorry

0:10:38.241 --> 0:10:40.401
<v Speaker 2>for myself that I had to go through that experience,

0:10:40.441 --> 0:10:43.961
<v Speaker 2>and then with the anxiety that had come from that

0:10:44.081 --> 0:10:46.681
<v Speaker 2>of like social anxiety and not wanting to meet new people,

0:10:46.801 --> 0:10:50.761
<v Speaker 2>and also yeah, just feeling like I'd gotten myself into

0:10:50.761 --> 0:10:52.761
<v Speaker 2>this situation that I couldn't get myself out of, and

0:10:52.841 --> 0:10:56.521
<v Speaker 2>I was just like, life is shit, you know, life

0:10:56.561 --> 0:10:56.841
<v Speaker 2>is shit.

0:10:56.881 --> 0:10:57.521
<v Speaker 1>This is not fun.

0:10:57.561 --> 0:11:00.041
<v Speaker 2>I feel dull. I feel like a shell of a

0:11:00.121 --> 0:11:02.921
<v Speaker 2>human of myself. And it was like the lights are on,

0:11:03.001 --> 0:11:04.801
<v Speaker 2>but no one's home. It's like I'm knocking and no

0:11:04.801 --> 0:11:07.321
<v Speaker 2>one there. And that's how it felt. It was like

0:11:07.361 --> 0:11:10.121
<v Speaker 2>an empty body. It felt like that for a little while.

0:11:10.561 --> 0:11:14.121
<v Speaker 2>But yeah, so I think after that I really leant

0:11:14.161 --> 0:11:17.561
<v Speaker 2>into training and walking, and I think that's why health

0:11:17.601 --> 0:11:19.721
<v Speaker 2>is such a huge part of my journey now because

0:11:19.801 --> 0:11:21.481
<v Speaker 2>it was a thing that really helped me get out

0:11:21.521 --> 0:11:25.361
<v Speaker 2>of really hard times. And whilst I didn't choose at

0:11:25.361 --> 0:11:28.681
<v Speaker 2>the time to go on medication, and that wasn't the

0:11:28.761 --> 0:11:31.081
<v Speaker 2>route that I wanted to go down. The immediate thing

0:11:31.081 --> 0:11:33.041
<v Speaker 2>that I wanted to do was like, go find a psychologist,

0:11:33.121 --> 0:11:35.121
<v Speaker 2>because I was like, well, it's clear to me, and

0:11:35.161 --> 0:11:37.321
<v Speaker 2>it had been like six months or so or however long,

0:11:37.521 --> 0:11:38.721
<v Speaker 2>and I was like, it's clear to me that I

0:11:38.721 --> 0:11:40.401
<v Speaker 2>can't get myself out of this and I don't have

0:11:40.441 --> 0:11:42.561
<v Speaker 2>the tools and resources to know how. And I was like,

0:11:43.081 --> 0:11:45.081
<v Speaker 2>but I know that I want more for myself. I

0:11:45.121 --> 0:11:47.761
<v Speaker 2>recognize that right now I feel really stuck and I

0:11:47.801 --> 0:11:51.081
<v Speaker 2>feel stagnant and I feel like a victim. But I

0:11:51.161 --> 0:11:53.601
<v Speaker 2>don't know what steps to take. I can't see not

0:11:53.721 --> 0:11:55.841
<v Speaker 2>even the next step out of this. So it was

0:11:55.881 --> 0:11:59.041
<v Speaker 2>like I need someone with outside context who can kind

0:11:59.041 --> 0:12:01.121
<v Speaker 2>of help pull me or at least guide me in

0:12:01.161 --> 0:12:03.281
<v Speaker 2>the direction of like where to go. And I was

0:12:03.321 --> 0:12:05.041
<v Speaker 2>so desperate for that, Like I was like, I don't

0:12:05.161 --> 0:12:07.161
<v Speaker 2>fucking care who gives it to me. Just someone helped me.

0:12:07.721 --> 0:12:08.001
<v Speaker 1>You know.

0:12:08.841 --> 0:12:12.081
<v Speaker 2>And then I went to a psychologist. I just felt

0:12:12.121 --> 0:12:14.121
<v Speaker 2>like judged and shamed and like what I was going

0:12:14.161 --> 0:12:16.681
<v Speaker 2>through wasn't a big enough deal or problem because she'd

0:12:16.681 --> 0:12:18.481
<v Speaker 2>probably dealt with people who were worse. Could have been

0:12:18.481 --> 0:12:22.561
<v Speaker 2>a projection. But that's how I left feeling. And then

0:12:22.761 --> 0:12:24.281
<v Speaker 2>I just hired a life coach and I stayed with

0:12:24.321 --> 0:12:26.801
<v Speaker 2>her for like three four years and never looked back.

0:12:27.601 --> 0:12:29.761
<v Speaker 2>That was the trajectory of changing my life.

0:12:29.841 --> 0:12:31.881
<v Speaker 1>And what was really.

0:12:31.601 --> 0:12:35.161
<v Speaker 2>Helpful for me was to do this self inquiry work,

0:12:35.201 --> 0:12:38.201
<v Speaker 2>but also to not label myself. Like what you said

0:12:38.201 --> 0:12:41.001
<v Speaker 2>about the identity thing, I would really cling on to

0:12:41.121 --> 0:12:43.001
<v Speaker 2>things like that, so I'd be like, oh my god,

0:12:43.041 --> 0:12:45.921
<v Speaker 2>I've got fucking high functioning anxiety or I've got depression,

0:12:46.481 --> 0:12:50.121
<v Speaker 2>and then like I would run with that, you know, and.

0:12:50.041 --> 0:12:51.481
<v Speaker 1>Then it limits you, hey, because you feel like you

0:12:51.481 --> 0:12:53.801
<v Speaker 1>can't do anythingcause well I've got depressions. How can I

0:12:53.841 --> 0:12:54.121
<v Speaker 1>do that?

0:12:54.121 --> 0:12:55.921
<v Speaker 2>That's exactly what I did. Yeah, I was like, well,

0:12:55.961 --> 0:12:57.881
<v Speaker 2>I'm depressed because i just had X y Z happen.

0:12:58.201 --> 0:13:00.281
<v Speaker 2>I'm not allowed to be happy. I'm not allowed to

0:13:00.681 --> 0:13:02.521
<v Speaker 2>experience things. I'm not allowed to go after my dreams.

0:13:02.521 --> 0:13:04.401
<v Speaker 2>I'm not allowed to do any of these things because

0:13:04.441 --> 0:13:07.841
<v Speaker 2>someone would depression doesn't do that. Yes, as humans, we

0:13:07.921 --> 0:13:09.961
<v Speaker 2>like to label ourselves, and not in a bad way,

0:13:10.041 --> 0:13:11.721
<v Speaker 2>but because we like to feel like we belong.

0:13:11.881 --> 0:13:12.201
<v Speaker 1>Yes.

0:13:12.481 --> 0:13:14.721
<v Speaker 2>So what I've seen, even as a coach myself, is

0:13:14.761 --> 0:13:16.801
<v Speaker 2>that we will tend to label ourselves and put ourselves

0:13:16.801 --> 0:13:18.921
<v Speaker 2>into categories because we go well at least I know

0:13:19.001 --> 0:13:21.241
<v Speaker 2>I belong here and it feels certain. That makes me

0:13:21.281 --> 0:13:24.561
<v Speaker 2>feel comfortable. But what I've also noticed is that it

0:13:24.561 --> 0:13:27.121
<v Speaker 2>can be unproductive as well, And so at least again

0:13:27.161 --> 0:13:29.041
<v Speaker 2>for me in my own journey, it was unproductive for

0:13:29.081 --> 0:13:30.761
<v Speaker 2>me to do that. So now what I teach for

0:13:30.841 --> 0:13:33.881
<v Speaker 2>my clients is to not label themselves at all. Like,

0:13:33.921 --> 0:13:36.041
<v Speaker 2>if they come in with labels, I'm like, that can

0:13:36.081 --> 0:13:38.641
<v Speaker 2>be true, but we're not going to use the language.

0:13:38.681 --> 0:13:40.281
<v Speaker 2>We're just going to cut the language out and we're

0:13:40.281 --> 0:13:42.801
<v Speaker 2>going to focus on XYZ and then we'll see how

0:13:42.801 --> 0:13:45.481
<v Speaker 2>we go in twelve weeks time. Yeah. Yeah. It was

0:13:45.521 --> 0:13:50.921
<v Speaker 2>a lot of mindset reprogramming, nervous system regulation, reprogramming, the

0:13:51.001 --> 0:13:53.881
<v Speaker 2>stories and beliefs that I had about myself of who

0:13:53.961 --> 0:13:56.801
<v Speaker 2>I was and what I get to have, and a

0:13:56.801 --> 0:14:00.121
<v Speaker 2>lot of transformation of how I really saw myself instead

0:14:00.161 --> 0:14:02.601
<v Speaker 2>of like boxing myself into the way that I was

0:14:02.641 --> 0:14:04.961
<v Speaker 2>behaving or how my nervous system was reacting to so

0:14:05.121 --> 0:14:08.601
<v Speaker 2>in situations or even the thoughts that I was having

0:14:08.601 --> 0:14:12.721
<v Speaker 2>in my mind that were damaging and taking myself down

0:14:12.801 --> 0:14:16.241
<v Speaker 2>like a really bad path, it was retraining myself to

0:14:16.281 --> 0:14:19.561
<v Speaker 2>behave in a different way. You know, to think different thoughts,

0:14:19.601 --> 0:14:22.801
<v Speaker 2>to choose different behavior, to acknowledge the behavior that I

0:14:22.841 --> 0:14:25.921
<v Speaker 2>was choosing, and go Okay, what didn't work here, what

0:14:26.081 --> 0:14:28.881
<v Speaker 2>ended up with a negative result, what ended up with

0:14:28.881 --> 0:14:31.961
<v Speaker 2>a negative consequence, what ended up with a positive one,

0:14:32.241 --> 0:14:34.761
<v Speaker 2>and then categorizing those and going Okay, this is the

0:14:34.761 --> 0:14:37.481
<v Speaker 2>direction that I actually want to go in and implementing

0:14:37.481 --> 0:14:40.841
<v Speaker 2>those behaviors whilst doing the mindset work on top of that,

0:14:41.481 --> 0:14:43.961
<v Speaker 2>and also just being really fucking gentle with myself. Yeah,

0:14:44.081 --> 0:14:46.641
<v Speaker 2>you know, so letting go of the part of me

0:14:46.681 --> 0:14:49.681
<v Speaker 2>that punishes myself. I'm still guilty of that today, Like

0:14:49.761 --> 0:14:54.921
<v Speaker 2>I still can clock the parts of a human Yeah, yeah,

0:14:54.921 --> 0:14:57.681
<v Speaker 2>I have to clock that. That's been a huge thing

0:14:57.761 --> 0:15:00.001
<v Speaker 2>for me, especially with the sex tape, you know, and

0:15:00.081 --> 0:15:03.441
<v Speaker 2>experiences similar to that. I've punished myself a lot for

0:15:03.521 --> 0:15:06.921
<v Speaker 2>behaviors that I've done, which has kept me in that

0:15:07.001 --> 0:15:09.641
<v Speaker 2>mental state. It's kept me in my own mental prison.

0:15:10.121 --> 0:15:11.921
<v Speaker 2>Has it allowed me to get out, hasn't allowed me

0:15:11.961 --> 0:15:14.881
<v Speaker 2>to think differently? So it's looking at the ways where

0:15:14.921 --> 0:15:17.681
<v Speaker 2>I was keeping myself in that box that I didn't

0:15:17.681 --> 0:15:20.001
<v Speaker 2>want to be in and going okay, how am I

0:15:20.161 --> 0:15:24.641
<v Speaker 2>limiting myself from growing beyond this place and then constantly

0:15:24.721 --> 0:15:27.161
<v Speaker 2>just referring back to that, Okay, cool, what's not working?

0:15:27.441 --> 0:15:29.921
<v Speaker 2>How am I limiting myself? What's not working? What can

0:15:29.961 --> 0:15:34.321
<v Speaker 2>I do better? And just constantly reiterating that process. You know,

0:15:34.401 --> 0:15:36.441
<v Speaker 2>when I look back at like the person I was

0:15:36.801 --> 0:15:38.841
<v Speaker 2>at one point, I really didn't love who I was.

0:15:39.001 --> 0:15:41.401
<v Speaker 2>I wasn't proud of myself. I didn't think I was

0:15:41.481 --> 0:15:45.761
<v Speaker 2>a valuable, contributing member of society, like there were so

0:15:45.801 --> 0:15:48.401
<v Speaker 2>many things, you know, and so to go from that

0:15:48.521 --> 0:15:51.521
<v Speaker 2>version of myself to who I am today, it's the

0:15:51.961 --> 0:15:54.961
<v Speaker 2>wide contrast of a different version of myself, you know,

0:15:55.081 --> 0:15:57.161
<v Speaker 2>and it does takes a lot of conscious effort to

0:15:57.201 --> 0:16:01.081
<v Speaker 2>get there, but it's so rewarding. And no matter how

0:16:01.161 --> 0:16:03.281
<v Speaker 2>stuck that you might feel that you are right now,

0:16:03.721 --> 0:16:06.441
<v Speaker 2>there is always light at the end of the time.

0:16:07.521 --> 0:16:10.201
<v Speaker 1>And whether you're on medication or not, or whether you're

0:16:10.201 --> 0:16:12.441
<v Speaker 1>thinking about going on medication or not. This is for

0:16:12.921 --> 0:16:15.641
<v Speaker 1>everyone that's feeling in a low state and going through stuff.

0:16:15.921 --> 0:16:25.921
<v Speaker 1>You cannot underestimate the power of taking care of your body.