Speaker 1: Apogee Production. Welcome to the Sheep Risers Podcast. I'm Ashy
Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana.
Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to
Speaker 2: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.
Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level of self.
Speaker 1: Panic attacks continued on four years. I'm trying to remember
Speaker 1: the last one I had over five years ago, but
Speaker 1: I went through a couple of year period where they
Speaker 1: were so bad. I used to be on the floor
Speaker 1: physically pulling my hair out, scratching my whole body, screaming
Speaker 1: like like I could not breathe, and Steve would just
Speaker 1: like hold me to try and stop me from like
Speaker 1: calming myself and to try to get me to calm down.
Speaker 1: And sometimes I wanted him to hold me, and other
Speaker 1: times I would like resist and want to like not
Speaker 1: be touched, but he was so worried, like of me
Speaker 1: hurting myself, and I felt so out of control, and
Speaker 1: I didn't speak to anyone about this. I was so
Speaker 1: embarrassed because no one talks about having these big episodes.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it was.
Speaker 1: A time where the trolling was really bad online. I
Speaker 1: was just not coping with life. And that's when I
Speaker 1: hired a life coach, and they really helped give me
Speaker 1: tools and strategies to help. When I start to feel
Speaker 1: you can feel it coming on. You can feel the
Speaker 1: shortness of of your breath, you can feel the sweating.
Speaker 1: You might get shaky, you can't think straight, You're so
Speaker 1: focused on these thoughts. It just literally consumed you. So
Speaker 1: they gave me tools and strategies so when I can
Speaker 1: start to feel those triggers and signs come on, that
Speaker 1: I can get a hold of them before they get
Speaker 1: a hold of me.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's so good.
Speaker 1: Yeah, continuing on over the last couple of years, Like
Speaker 1: I would say, I am far from an anxious person now,
Speaker 1: which is really cool to reflect back on. Takes me
Speaker 1: a lot to get anxious, and even if I get
Speaker 1: anxious thoughts, I'm very quick to like coach myself, you
Speaker 1: saw me the other day when something happened, put my
Speaker 1: phone down. I was like literally said to myself in
Speaker 1: my head, like you're safe, Tiger's not attacking you. You're okay.
Speaker 1: Like I had to like, calm myself down. Doesn't mean
Speaker 1: that I wasn't right or I wasn't upset, but I
Speaker 1: have to coach myself so if I don't, I can
Speaker 1: see myself spiraling. Yeah. So the longer that I've worked
Speaker 1: on myself and I've got these tools and strategies that
Speaker 1: have proven to work for me, it's just gotten less
Speaker 1: and less and less. So it's really cool to be
Speaker 1: in a phase just where I'm at right now that
Speaker 1: I can take care of myself and not allow it
Speaker 1: to get that bad. And one thing that really struck
Speaker 1: me was when the doctor said to me, you have
Speaker 1: depression and you have an anxiety disorder. That became my identity.
Speaker 1: That's who I was. If you had asked who's actually,
Speaker 1: I'll be like, oh, I'm depressed at the moment and
Speaker 1: I have anxiety, so you probably won't want to hang
Speaker 1: out with me. And I was like isolate as well.
Speaker 1: That was who I was. Whereas now, if I ever
Speaker 1: feel I'm in a lower state, and I know everyone's
Speaker 1: situation is different, I definitely believe in depression and anxiety
Speaker 1: being a disorder for sure, But now that I've worked
Speaker 1: through all of that, I will say instead of saying
Speaker 1: I have anxiety or I feel like I'm going to
Speaker 1: have an anxiety attack, I was like, I'm having anxious
Speaker 1: thoughts because I'm worried about the future. Now. I want
Speaker 1: to talk about that with whoever, or sit with myself
Speaker 1: or just regulate myself so I can calm my nervous
Speaker 1: system and then see what I need to do. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, and if I ever feel myself getting depressed thoughts,
Speaker 1: it's because I'm going back in my past. I'm thinking
Speaker 1: about what's happened, and I'm going back to my victim
Speaker 1: or I'm replaying situations in my head. And that's when
Speaker 1: I'll also book sessions with a coach too. If there's
Speaker 1: more things I need to talk about, I'll get it
Speaker 1: out and I'll work through it. So that's kind of
Speaker 1: been my journey with it. And it was really really hard,
Speaker 1: awful hard, So she would I felt like I had
Speaker 1: no one to talk about it with. I was so embarrassed,
Speaker 1: so embarrassed, and I remember telling one of my girlfriends
Speaker 1: and her reaction just shut me off even more. Not
Speaker 1: that she did anything wrong, but she was like, holy shit,
Speaker 1: she had a big reaction. It was a big reaction.
Speaker 1: It wasn't like I get it here for you. It
Speaker 1: was like, oh my god, you pull your hair. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I was like yeah, and like scratch myself. She's like,
Speaker 1: oh my god. I was wondering what these marks were
Speaker 1: in your arms from oh fuck, okay, what do you
Speaker 1: do about those? Oh? I was like, I'm never telling
Speaker 1: anyone ever. I was like, I am alone in this.
Speaker 1: I've never heard anyone talk about this, So I just
Speaker 1: have to hide this and be ashamed of it. And
Speaker 1: even Steve I was so embarrassed, and I felt so
Speaker 1: bad that he had to be there to witness all
Speaker 1: of that.
Speaker 2: That was awful. That was gonna be my next question.
Speaker 2: I was just about to say, how is it for
Speaker 2: you to be seen in that by Steve?
Speaker 1: I mean now, in hindsight, I'm like, Wow, he has
Speaker 1: loved me at my absolute worst. Yeah, he has seen
Speaker 1: me like no one has ever seen me before, my
Speaker 1: most roorst, most vulnerable, awful moments to reflect on, and
Speaker 1: he just held me in all of it, not once
Speaker 1: that he put me down or anything. He would always
Speaker 1: speak to me after about it and say like, I
Speaker 1: get really worried and scared when you get like that.
Speaker 1: I hate seeing you do that to yourself. I would
Speaker 1: do anything for you not to do that. Yeah, if
Speaker 1: we would like be in a heated argument, sometimes I
Speaker 1: would get like that. And I don't think that was
Speaker 1: nice for him either, because then it would distract what
Speaker 1: we actually needed to talk about. So then it would
Speaker 1: make him scared to bring up that topic again in
Speaker 1: case I got really worked up, I see, And once
Speaker 1: he highlighted that, I was like, oh, yeah, I don't
Speaker 1: want to do that, because how is he ever going
Speaker 1: to feel safe to come to me and open up
Speaker 1: this conversation. He's just going to have to sweep everything
Speaker 1: in case I have an anxiety attack, And I was like,
Speaker 1: I don't want my relationship to be like that. So
Speaker 1: that was a really big wake up call and just
Speaker 1: more motivation for me to want to focus my nervous
Speaker 1: system regulation daily, not just when it gets bad, not
Speaker 1: when I'm getting my period, not when life gets hard.
Speaker 1: Day to day. I worry about how much water I drink,
Speaker 1: if I'm getting enough nutrients, if I'm taking my supplements.
Speaker 1: Where's my nervous system at, where's my battery at? Do
Speaker 1: I need to plug in? If I need to plug
Speaker 1: out from everyone? What do I need right now to
Speaker 1: keep myself in the best state to be able to
Speaker 1: handle and manage whatever I need to handle and manage,
Speaker 1: because life's never going to be like this. It's always
Speaker 1: up and down. So so many learnings that have come
Speaker 1: so far, But I would never go on medication again.
Speaker 1: Personally for myself, I didn't find it helped me at all.
Speaker 1: It just numbed me. But short term and long term
Speaker 1: I don't think that benefited me. Yeah, Whereas I do
Speaker 1: know some people that need to be on it and
Speaker 1: are on it and it's made them feel a lot
Speaker 1: better and it's stopped them having suicidal thoughts and they're
Speaker 1: able to live their life and be peaceful. And I'm like, awesome,
Speaker 1: Yeah that works for you. Great. So that's why we
Speaker 1: said it start. It's not a one size fits all.
Speaker 1: But for me personally, I didn't feel the medication that
Speaker 1: I was put on was good for me. Yeah. I
Speaker 1: don't want to ever numb out. I want to feel
Speaker 1: the depth of the pain because that represents how much
Speaker 1: I loved something or someone. You know, when I'm feeling something,
Speaker 1: it's because I care about it so much. If I'm
Speaker 1: numbed or don't give a shit about something, and I
Speaker 1: don't give a shit about it, but if I'm feeling it,
Speaker 1: because it shows how much I care, and I'm a
Speaker 1: very caring person, you know, So I don't ever want
Speaker 1: to numb any of that out. I kind of welcome
Speaker 1: that in now because I feel like I can hold it. Oh,
Speaker 1: I love that. Yeah, I feel like we should just
Speaker 1: end the episode there, mic drop. No, I want to
Speaker 1: hear yours.
Speaker 2: No, everything you just said, you just had. I was
Speaker 2: thinking as you're talking just towards the end, and I
Speaker 2: was like, fuck, I'm so sucked into, like just hearing
Speaker 2: this story and your experience in this.
Speaker 1: I think I've shared that with you before, having not
Speaker 1: to this depth.
Speaker 2: No, we've spoken about panic attacks for sure. Yeah, that's
Speaker 2: really incredible. Thank you.
Speaker 1: It's been a long journey, but I'm definitely proud to
Speaker 1: be at the other side, that's for sure, and so
Speaker 1: stoked that I can show my kids how to manage
Speaker 1: life without it getting that bad. Yeah, you know your journey,
Speaker 1: tell me all about yours.
Speaker 2: Oh, my journey was more around the time where I had,
Speaker 2: like the sex tape happened. So when that kind of
Speaker 2: experience happened. It was like the first trigger of experiencing
Speaker 2: panic attacks for me. So in that time, I was
Speaker 2: in a very low state mentally though, So I was
Speaker 2: not in a good way mentally. I was struggling. I
Speaker 2: had suicidal thoughts. I felt quite depressed. I think I
Speaker 2: labeled myself this is like high functioning anxiety or like
Speaker 2: high functioning depression. Like that's how I saw myself in
Speaker 2: that point, because I was feeling all these things behind
Speaker 2: closed doors, but on the forefront, it looked like I
Speaker 2: was doing so much.
Speaker 1: You could still functioning, do everything you needed to do.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but it was like my heart was aching and
Speaker 2: like my thoughts were eating away at me. And I
Speaker 2: just remember when that first happened, having an almost panic attack.
Speaker 2: It wasn't like a bull on panic attack, but it
Speaker 2: was like enough that like I couldn't regulate myself for
Speaker 2: a few hours, Like I was in that state of
Speaker 2: like I don't know what to do, and I don't
Speaker 2: know who to call, and I don't know who can
Speaker 2: help me. It was like when I just found out
Speaker 2: about the video being released, and I was sitting in
Speaker 2: the bottom of my shower and I was like just
Speaker 2: so overwhelmed emotionally, like I was crying and I was shaking,
Speaker 2: and like my whole body was responding, but I didn't
Speaker 2: know how to stop it. And it was just like
Speaker 2: that for like literally like a couple of hours, and
Speaker 2: I was like, there's nothing that I know how to
Speaker 2: do or how to stop this because I'd never experienced
Speaker 2: it before. My nervous system was so dysregulated, my breath
Speaker 2: was so short, and I just I couldn't turn twenty one,
Speaker 2: didn't feel like I could turn twenty body, didn't have
Speaker 2: anybody necessarily to call to be like, hey, this is
Speaker 2: what's happening. I was just like, this is something that
Speaker 2: like I should be shameful of, Like I shouldn't be
Speaker 2: experiencing this. And so after that, I kind of fell
Speaker 2: into party and drugs and that sort of stuff to cope,
Speaker 2: to cope, yeah, to like numb myself out, and to
Speaker 2: kind of get the confidence back that I had lost
Speaker 2: when I was sober. So through that experience, it was
Speaker 2: just me, you know, this care free version of myself
Speaker 2: came out when I was drinking. But then what the
Speaker 2: aftermath of that was more panic attacks, was me coming
Speaker 2: down for two weeks at a time and just being
Speaker 2: in a fucking absolute mess of a state mentally in
Speaker 2: that place, and then that leading to panic attacks, and
Speaker 2: so it would become like more freaking. It was only
Speaker 2: like over a couple of month period when I was
Speaker 2: in like a really hectic party stage, it was like
Speaker 2: it would bring it on more. I remember every single
Speaker 2: time feeling like I couldn't share it with anybody because
Speaker 2: I was just I felt so isolated in there isn't it.
Speaker 2: I felt like no one could relate to what I
Speaker 2: was going through. So I didn't know how to explain
Speaker 2: how I was feeling and what it was doing to
Speaker 2: me and my mind, my nervous system. Like at the time,
Speaker 2: I didn't have the words. I didn't know how to
Speaker 2: describe that or explain that.
Speaker 1: Did you ever go on medication? Did your doctor ever
Speaker 1: say to no?
Speaker 2: So I didn't go on medication. But my family just
Speaker 2: have always kind of just been more natural, holistic side
Speaker 2: of things sort of things. So it wasn't really my
Speaker 2: first option. I had considered it at one point, but
Speaker 2: I just for me, I was like, no, it's just
Speaker 2: not an option. So I kind of just I got
Speaker 2: stuck in it for a while. I got stuck in
Speaker 2: my own mindset. I really felt like a victim in that
Speaker 2: point in my life as well, because I felt sorry
Speaker 2: for myself that I had to go through that experience,
Speaker 2: and then with the anxiety that had come from that
Speaker 2: of like social anxiety and not wanting to meet new people,
Speaker 2: and also yeah, just feeling like I'd gotten myself into
Speaker 2: this situation that I couldn't get myself out of, and
Speaker 2: I was just like, life is shit, you know, life
Speaker 2: is shit.
Speaker 1: This is not fun.
Speaker 2: I feel dull. I feel like a shell of a
Speaker 2: human of myself. And it was like the lights are on,
Speaker 2: but no one's home. It's like I'm knocking and no
Speaker 2: one there. And that's how it felt. It was like
Speaker 2: an empty body. It felt like that for a little while.
Speaker 2: But yeah, so I think after that I really leant
Speaker 2: into training and walking, and I think that's why health
Speaker 2: is such a huge part of my journey now because
Speaker 2: it was a thing that really helped me get out
Speaker 2: of really hard times. And whilst I didn't choose at
Speaker 2: the time to go on medication, and that wasn't the
Speaker 2: route that I wanted to go down. The immediate thing
Speaker 2: that I wanted to do was like, go find a psychologist,
Speaker 2: because I was like, well, it's clear to me, and
Speaker 2: it had been like six months or so or however long,
Speaker 2: and I was like, it's clear to me that I
Speaker 2: can't get myself out of this and I don't have
Speaker 2: the tools and resources to know how. And I was like,
Speaker 2: but I know that I want more for myself. I
Speaker 2: recognize that right now I feel really stuck and I
Speaker 2: feel stagnant and I feel like a victim. But I
Speaker 2: don't know what steps to take. I can't see not
Speaker 2: even the next step out of this. So it was
Speaker 2: like I need someone with outside context who can kind
Speaker 2: of help pull me or at least guide me in
Speaker 2: the direction of like where to go. And I was
Speaker 2: so desperate for that, Like I was like, I don't
Speaker 2: fucking care who gives it to me. Just someone helped me.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: And then I went to a psychologist. I just felt
Speaker 2: like judged and shamed and like what I was going
Speaker 2: through wasn't a big enough deal or problem because she'd
Speaker 2: probably dealt with people who were worse. Could have been
Speaker 2: a projection. But that's how I left feeling. And then
Speaker 2: I just hired a life coach and I stayed with
Speaker 2: her for like three four years and never looked back.
Speaker 2: That was the trajectory of changing my life.
Speaker 1: And what was really.
Speaker 2: Helpful for me was to do this self inquiry work,
Speaker 2: but also to not label myself. Like what you said
Speaker 2: about the identity thing, I would really cling on to
Speaker 2: things like that, so I'd be like, oh my god,
Speaker 2: I've got fucking high functioning anxiety or I've got depression,
Speaker 2: and then like I would run with that, you know, and.
Speaker 1: Then it limits you, hey, because you feel like you
Speaker 1: can't do anythingcause well I've got depressions. How can I
Speaker 1: do that?
Speaker 2: That's exactly what I did. Yeah, I was like, well,
Speaker 2: I'm depressed because i just had X y Z happen.
Speaker 2: I'm not allowed to be happy. I'm not allowed to
Speaker 2: experience things. I'm not allowed to go after my dreams.
Speaker 2: I'm not allowed to do any of these things because
Speaker 2: someone would depression doesn't do that. Yes, as humans, we
Speaker 2: like to label ourselves, and not in a bad way,
Speaker 2: but because we like to feel like we belong.
Speaker 1: Yes.
Speaker 2: So what I've seen, even as a coach myself, is
Speaker 2: that we will tend to label ourselves and put ourselves
Speaker 2: into categories because we go well at least I know
Speaker 2: I belong here and it feels certain. That makes me
Speaker 2: feel comfortable. But what I've also noticed is that it
Speaker 2: can be unproductive as well, And so at least again
Speaker 2: for me in my own journey, it was unproductive for
Speaker 2: me to do that. So now what I teach for
Speaker 2: my clients is to not label themselves at all. Like,
Speaker 2: if they come in with labels, I'm like, that can
Speaker 2: be true, but we're not going to use the language.
Speaker 2: We're just going to cut the language out and we're
Speaker 2: going to focus on XYZ and then we'll see how
Speaker 2: we go in twelve weeks time. Yeah. Yeah. It was
Speaker 2: a lot of mindset reprogramming, nervous system regulation, reprogramming, the
Speaker 2: stories and beliefs that I had about myself of who
Speaker 2: I was and what I get to have, and a
Speaker 2: lot of transformation of how I really saw myself instead
Speaker 2: of like boxing myself into the way that I was
Speaker 2: behaving or how my nervous system was reacting to so
Speaker 2: in situations or even the thoughts that I was having
Speaker 2: in my mind that were damaging and taking myself down
Speaker 2: like a really bad path, it was retraining myself to
Speaker 2: behave in a different way. You know, to think different thoughts,
Speaker 2: to choose different behavior, to acknowledge the behavior that I
Speaker 2: was choosing, and go Okay, what didn't work here, what
Speaker 2: ended up with a negative result, what ended up with
Speaker 2: a negative consequence, what ended up with a positive one,
Speaker 2: and then categorizing those and going Okay, this is the
Speaker 2: direction that I actually want to go in and implementing
Speaker 2: those behaviors whilst doing the mindset work on top of that,
Speaker 2: and also just being really fucking gentle with myself. Yeah,
Speaker 2: you know, so letting go of the part of me
Speaker 2: that punishes myself. I'm still guilty of that today, Like
Speaker 2: I still can clock the parts of a human Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 2: I have to clock that. That's been a huge thing
Speaker 2: for me, especially with the sex tape, you know, and
Speaker 2: experiences similar to that. I've punished myself a lot for
Speaker 2: behaviors that I've done, which has kept me in that
Speaker 2: mental state. It's kept me in my own mental prison.
Speaker 2: Has it allowed me to get out, hasn't allowed me
Speaker 2: to think differently? So it's looking at the ways where
Speaker 2: I was keeping myself in that box that I didn't
Speaker 2: want to be in and going okay, how am I
Speaker 2: limiting myself from growing beyond this place and then constantly
Speaker 2: just referring back to that, Okay, cool, what's not working?
Speaker 2: How am I limiting myself? What's not working? What can
Speaker 2: I do better? And just constantly reiterating that process. You know,
Speaker 2: when I look back at like the person I was
Speaker 2: at one point, I really didn't love who I was.
Speaker 2: I wasn't proud of myself. I didn't think I was
Speaker 2: a valuable, contributing member of society, like there were so
Speaker 2: many things, you know, and so to go from that
Speaker 2: version of myself to who I am today, it's the
Speaker 2: wide contrast of a different version of myself, you know,
Speaker 2: and it does takes a lot of conscious effort to
Speaker 2: get there, but it's so rewarding. And no matter how
Speaker 2: stuck that you might feel that you are right now,
Speaker 2: there is always light at the end of the time.
Speaker 1: And whether you're on medication or not, or whether you're
Speaker 1: thinking about going on medication or not. This is for
Speaker 1: everyone that's feeling in a low state and going through stuff.
Speaker 1: You cannot underestimate the power of taking care of your body.