WEBVTT - #2122 I Got Coached - Bobby Cappuccio 0:00:00.480 --> 0:00:03.440 O good a team. It's Craig andw Harper, It's young 0:00:03.480 --> 0:00:06.440 Bobby over there in the thriving metropolis of well the 0:00:06.680 --> 0:00:11.880 very busy, the very busy and somewhat chaotic us. A Ay, 0:00:11.960 --> 0:00:14.239 we're not going to go into that, but it is 0:00:15.400 --> 0:00:17.759 an interesting place. That is an interesting world that we 0:00:17.840 --> 0:00:20.880 inhabit at the moment. Even Australia is interesting. But let's 0:00:20.920 --> 0:00:24.880 not talk politics or the state of the world because 0:00:24.880 --> 0:00:27.120 we probably get enough of that in the media. Hi, mate, 0:00:27.160 --> 0:00:27.760 how are you? 0:00:28.520 --> 0:00:29.720 Hey? What's going on? Greg? 0:00:30.640 --> 0:00:33.519 Well? Good? You didn't answer me? How are you? How 0:00:33.560 --> 0:00:33.879 are you? 0:00:34.560 --> 0:00:35.320 I'm still alive. 0:00:36.040 --> 0:00:36.800 You're still alive? 0:00:37.360 --> 0:00:38.680 Still alive? So far? 0:00:39.600 --> 0:00:44.640 You're still alive. Hey. We have obviously, we have a 0:00:44.680 --> 0:00:48.680 broad range of listeners to this show, but we probably 0:00:48.680 --> 0:00:55.480 do have a slant towards people who are really about 0:00:55.640 --> 0:00:59.480 high performance, whatever that means to them, people who are 0:00:59.560 --> 0:01:05.360 really keen to prioritize their physical, mental, and emotional health 0:01:05.400 --> 0:01:08.919 and wellbeing and their outcomes and their performance in life 0:01:08.959 --> 0:01:14.800 and work and relationships and all of the things. And 0:01:14.880 --> 0:01:18.119 I was thinking earlier, I was thinking, what are Bobby 0:01:18.120 --> 0:01:20.160 and I are going to talk about? And I thought, like, 0:01:20.280 --> 0:01:23.960 my life has been a little bit chaotic lately, and 0:01:24.280 --> 0:01:26.920 I tend not to. And I'm not going to open 0:01:26.920 --> 0:01:28.759 it too wide because I don't want to be boring 0:01:28.760 --> 0:01:32.360 and I don't want to be self indulgent. But I coach. 0:01:33.360 --> 0:01:35.080 I was going to say I coach everyone. That is 0:01:35.120 --> 0:01:37.400 not true. But most of the conversations that I had 0:01:37.520 --> 0:01:42.040 with people that are not incidental, apart from friendship stuff, 0:01:42.040 --> 0:01:44.600 but most of them are a form of coaching. Even 0:01:44.640 --> 0:01:47.840 when someone sits down with me incidentally at the cafe, 0:01:48.040 --> 0:01:50.640 usually they want to ask me something or they want 0:01:50.720 --> 0:01:53.400 feedback on something, which I totally don't mind because I 0:01:53.480 --> 0:01:56.720 kind of think that's my calling, if there's such a thing. 0:01:57.280 --> 0:02:03.200 But I thought, I thought, what if I ask Bobby 0:02:03.800 --> 0:02:07.200 to coach me for I don't know, fifteen twenty twenty 0:02:07.200 --> 0:02:09.840 five thirty minutes today and just see where we go. 0:02:10.240 --> 0:02:14.000 Because I'm not very used to being coached, but I 0:02:14.120 --> 0:02:17.520 definitely could do with some coaching and some insight other 0:02:17.600 --> 0:02:21.760 than my own. And I asked you quickly before we 0:02:21.800 --> 0:02:25.280 went live, so i'll ask you again. You okay with that? Yeah? 0:02:26.760 --> 0:02:27.240 Okay with that? 0:02:27.280 --> 0:02:29.839 If you're okay with that? Yeah, So let's a couple 0:02:29.880 --> 0:02:32.200 of things before we jump in and I open that door. 0:02:32.240 --> 0:02:38.079 But so if you're doing a coaching session with somebody 0:02:38.160 --> 0:02:40.360 like me, and let's say I booked a session with 0:02:40.440 --> 0:02:42.560 you tomorrow, but we had a five minute chat today, 0:02:44.600 --> 0:02:47.640 would you kind of just come in as fresh as 0:02:47.680 --> 0:02:50.240 you can be, with a kind of a blank slate mind, 0:02:50.320 --> 0:02:52.880 or would you have some kind of intention or process 0:02:53.560 --> 0:02:58.480 in mind? What is your like before you do that 0:02:58.560 --> 0:03:01.560 with someone, because you really count too much prep because 0:03:01.560 --> 0:03:03.080 you don't really know what's coming right. 0:03:04.320 --> 0:03:09.360 It depends. So sometimes if you are a coach and 0:03:09.680 --> 0:03:12.480 someone has been sent to you right by an organization 0:03:12.960 --> 0:03:16.560 or let's say by their boss, and they haven't they 0:03:16.600 --> 0:03:22.400 have an incentive around solving for a particular area, there 0:03:22.440 --> 0:03:24.280 probably would be a little bit of prep. Or let's 0:03:24.320 --> 0:03:27.960 say they're coming to you for health reasons, you might 0:03:28.040 --> 0:03:31.840 do You might have an intake or an initial session. 0:03:32.040 --> 0:03:33.880 You might take a look at what their what their 0:03:33.960 --> 0:03:38.040 vision statement is. And a vision statement, it's not it's 0:03:38.160 --> 0:03:41.880 not as esoteric as it sounds. All it means is 0:03:42.240 --> 0:03:45.440 really important to you. What does that look like measurably 0:03:45.480 --> 0:03:49.280 in the future behaviorally as well, not what you're thinking 0:03:49.440 --> 0:03:52.240 and where you are and you know it's not like 0:03:52.480 --> 0:03:54.960 I've done that, but what are you doing day to 0:03:55.080 --> 0:03:58.880 day that's very different from where you are now. So 0:03:59.760 --> 0:04:03.320 my review that vision statement and why it's relevant, why 0:04:03.360 --> 0:04:08.160 it's meaningful. So there could be prepped before a session 0:04:08.400 --> 0:04:12.280 or sometimes in ongoing coaching, you don't know and they 0:04:12.320 --> 0:04:14.880 don't know because it's based on what's going on in 0:04:14.920 --> 0:04:17.480 their daily lives over the course of the week or 0:04:17.680 --> 0:04:20.480 the last time they happen to speak to you. I 0:04:20.680 --> 0:04:23.599 try to show up to my coaching sessions as naked 0:04:23.640 --> 0:04:27.839 as possible, not me not wearing anything. I tend to 0:04:27.880 --> 0:04:31.400 be fully dressed most of the time. But I mean 0:04:31.920 --> 0:04:34.800 not showing up with an agenda, not showing up with 0:04:34.880 --> 0:04:37.919 the pre supposition, not showing up where, oh I'd really 0:04:38.000 --> 0:04:41.680 like to take this coaching session here, just being completely 0:04:41.760 --> 0:04:44.080 open to where the conversation needs to go. 0:04:44.680 --> 0:04:51.240 Not necessarily following someone, you know, where their mind is 0:04:51.320 --> 0:04:55.200 leading them, but not really directing them either, kind of guiding, 0:04:55.720 --> 0:04:56.760 you know, kind of like. 0:04:57.160 --> 0:05:02.839 Listening, seeing what's there, seeing what it means to the person, 0:05:03.360 --> 0:05:05.920 saying okay, well what are we curious about, you know, 0:05:06.000 --> 0:05:10.799 and kind of helping them tap into their own inner resources. 0:05:10.960 --> 0:05:16.400 Perspectives and kind of examine and explore possible ways forward 0:05:16.480 --> 0:05:18.599 and then see what it'll be ready to commit to 0:05:18.680 --> 0:05:22.039 that day. So it really does depend on the situation. 0:05:22.560 --> 0:05:27.640 The short answer is, unless there's a specific reason or 0:05:27.680 --> 0:05:31.200 something I have to prepare for based on what happened 0:05:31.279 --> 0:05:34.560 last session that they want to carry over, I try 0:05:34.600 --> 0:05:35.600 to just show up empty. 0:05:36.400 --> 0:05:40.640 Yeah right, right, all right, So let's dig in to me, 0:05:41.800 --> 0:05:44.200 which I never do, and I'm going to tell you 0:05:44.279 --> 0:05:46.560 right now in this moment, just as I said that, 0:05:46.640 --> 0:05:50.000 I felt really uncomfortable because I'm thinking one does anyone 0:05:50.080 --> 0:05:51.960 and want to hear this too? Is this fucking self 0:05:51.960 --> 0:05:55.400 indulgent bullshit? But anyway, let's put all that aside. I 0:05:55.440 --> 0:06:02.599 want to talk to you firstly about trying to manage 0:06:02.680 --> 0:06:07.559 moving forward. For me, I have just like I don't 0:06:07.640 --> 0:06:10.880 feel overwhelmed in the way that a lot of people 0:06:10.960 --> 0:06:16.280 feel it, but there's not a lot of like from 0:06:16.320 --> 0:06:18.919 the outside looking in, everyone would think I was pretty calm, 0:06:18.960 --> 0:06:23.320 because I am that, and it's not that there's massive 0:06:23.400 --> 0:06:26.320 underlying stress, but just trying to figure out. So at 0:06:26.320 --> 0:06:29.480 the moment, I've written a little list, so I'm probably 0:06:29.520 --> 0:06:31.840 in the last which it seems to be a saga. 0:06:31.839 --> 0:06:34.120 But the last four to eight weeks of my PhD, 0:06:34.200 --> 0:06:37.039 I'm submitting papers, I'm writing my thesis. All the work 0:06:37.040 --> 0:06:42.440 in Inverted Commas is done, but it's very cognitively demanding 0:06:42.720 --> 0:06:47.640 and also emotionally and physically demanding. And then there's the podcast, 0:06:47.720 --> 0:06:50.680 which you know where I had a few issues this week, 0:06:50.720 --> 0:06:53.559 so I couldn't do five, but typically it's five, sometimes more. 0:06:54.200 --> 0:06:57.080 Then there's training, and then there's trying to look after 0:06:57.160 --> 0:06:58.800 my body in the other ways, and then there's my 0:06:58.920 --> 0:07:01.320 mum and dad, which is going nuts at the minute. 0:07:01.880 --> 0:07:04.160 And then there's just trying to have a life and 0:07:04.160 --> 0:07:11.120 some balance. And I feel sometimes I get a bit 0:07:12.680 --> 0:07:17.040 ah like, almost like at that threshold where I feel 0:07:17.080 --> 0:07:20.280 like I'm going to fucking burst. I'm going to burst, 0:07:21.000 --> 0:07:22.320 Like I just have This is. 0:07:22.280 --> 0:07:26.720 A overwhelming for you. You have a lot of things demanding 0:07:26.880 --> 0:07:32.000 a lot from you emotionally, physically, mentally, and they're all important. 0:07:32.320 --> 0:07:35.840 And some of those important things aren't about things at all, 0:07:36.240 --> 0:07:37.920 they're about people you deeply love. 0:07:38.800 --> 0:07:44.320 Yeah, yeah, I struggle with because my priority, you know, 0:07:44.920 --> 0:07:48.560 perhaps not well, like my priority is obviously my parents. 0:07:48.560 --> 0:07:51.480 But there's only so much I can do, so then 0:07:51.520 --> 0:07:54.240 I feel guilt attached to that. I don't know if 0:07:54.240 --> 0:07:56.720 we're going to get anywhere today with me, but let's hope, right, 0:07:56.760 --> 0:07:59.240 And this is me just being this is what I'm 0:07:59.280 --> 0:08:01.200 even embarrassed to say some of these things, but I 0:08:01.240 --> 0:08:03.760 want to say them anyway. So then I feel guilt 0:08:03.840 --> 0:08:07.640 around I can't fix everything, but I'm like I'm the fixer, 0:08:07.760 --> 0:08:11.880 which I know is probably egotistical and bullshit, right. And 0:08:11.920 --> 0:08:16.560 then I my mum and I have a really easy 0:08:16.680 --> 0:08:19.960 close relationship my dad, who's a good human, but we're 0:08:20.440 --> 0:08:24.560 probably alike and so it's not always easy or comfortable. 0:08:25.280 --> 0:08:31.040 And then me trying to be compassionate in the moment 0:08:31.160 --> 0:08:34.320 all the time when I want to be practical, I 0:08:34.360 --> 0:08:36.080 want to go, well, here's the problem, dad, let's do 0:08:36.160 --> 0:08:38.880 this and that and if you know that kind of 0:08:38.960 --> 0:08:43.559 navigating that balance between how do I be loving in 0:08:43.600 --> 0:08:47.600 the moment, compassionate, awhere, understanding, and also how do I 0:08:47.640 --> 0:08:50.640 get shit done? How do I practically help them? And 0:08:50.720 --> 0:08:56.720 I feel like sometimes my leaning towards just solving problems 0:08:56.960 --> 0:08:59.480 isn't actually solving problems. 0:09:00.240 --> 0:09:02.400 So that this is so broad and there's so many 0:09:02.640 --> 0:09:06.040 layers to it, and on top of the overwhelm, you're 0:09:06.080 --> 0:09:10.400 already feeling there's a lot of guilt because there's a 0:09:10.400 --> 0:09:14.120 bit of helplessness there and you're not sure if you 0:09:14.280 --> 0:09:18.160 can meet every demand that's being pleased on you, or 0:09:18.200 --> 0:09:19.520 even how to go about that. 0:09:20.200 --> 0:09:25.720 Yes, and sometimes because I've never done this before, like 0:09:25.880 --> 0:09:28.680 as in this space i'm in with my folks, I've 0:09:28.679 --> 0:09:30.800 never been It's not like I can say, well, last 0:09:30.800 --> 0:09:34.760 time my parents were old and sick, I did this, 0:09:35.360 --> 0:09:38.800 you know, So I have no kind of context other 0:09:38.880 --> 0:09:42.480 than through other people sharing their stories, which is great, 0:09:43.040 --> 0:09:46.520 And so you know, there's a level of uncertainty as well, 0:09:46.679 --> 0:09:49.400 which is part of the human experience, I know. But 0:09:50.360 --> 0:09:58.040 you know, making big, life affecting decisions and trying to 0:09:59.559 --> 0:10:04.120 trying to give you know, people who are cognitively not 0:10:04.280 --> 0:10:07.880 one hundred percent like they once were, but trying to 0:10:07.920 --> 0:10:11.640 be one hundred percent respectful while helping them on a 0:10:11.640 --> 0:10:15.480 practical level. I just sometimes I just fucking don't off 0:10:15.520 --> 0:10:16.400 I'm doing the right thing. 0:10:17.480 --> 0:10:20.120 It's a lot of pressure in a situation where it's 0:10:20.160 --> 0:10:24.320 impossible to have clear answers. Let's go back to something 0:10:24.320 --> 0:10:29.360 you had said, Yeah, that your identity and what people 0:10:29.480 --> 0:10:33.880 know you for and lean on you for is you 0:10:33.960 --> 0:10:39.560 are the person who fixes it and you don't have effects. Yeah, 0:10:40.480 --> 0:10:41.280 talk more about that. 0:10:43.440 --> 0:10:45.880 Yeah, if you make me cry, this is going to 0:10:45.920 --> 0:10:51.320 be We're definitely not sharing now. I think part of 0:10:51.320 --> 0:10:55.760 that is probably ego, because I guess I like that. 0:10:56.480 --> 0:11:03.800 I guess that makes me feel good. Being vulnerable like 0:11:04.000 --> 0:11:08.640 right now is fucking uncomfortable. Although I do tell people 0:11:08.679 --> 0:11:10.600 on a regular basis how shit I am at a 0:11:10.640 --> 0:11:17.080 lot of things. But yeah, I guess that just being 0:11:17.120 --> 0:11:22.200 in that space where I'm fine with not knowing, but 0:11:22.320 --> 0:11:25.720 when my not knowing might impact other people's I don't 0:11:26.280 --> 0:11:28.400 know what you originally asked me, but when my not 0:11:28.600 --> 0:11:31.760 knowing or my lack of certainty, or my lack of 0:11:31.800 --> 0:11:36.840 perhaps direction is going to impact my mum and dad, 0:11:37.679 --> 0:11:41.280 you know, I would rather fuck up my own life, 0:11:41.440 --> 0:11:44.079 do you know what I mean? And because and this 0:11:44.120 --> 0:11:48.000 is not self pity, but this is practicality. I'm the 0:11:48.080 --> 0:11:50.520 only child. It's not like I can ask my brothers 0:11:50.559 --> 0:11:53.079 and sisters. It's not like I've got a wife or kids. 0:11:53.120 --> 0:11:55.800 It's not like there's grandkids. And while I do have 0:11:55.880 --> 0:11:59.520 amazing support and I've got some surrogate sisters up in 0:11:59.559 --> 0:12:04.840 the bush. Mom and Dad live here brilliant. Yes, sometimes 0:12:04.880 --> 0:12:08.880 I wish I had a fucking sister, or a two sisters, 0:12:09.000 --> 0:12:11.280 or I don't know why I don't wish for a brother. 0:12:11.400 --> 0:12:13.640 I think sisters would be better in this guise. 0:12:13.679 --> 0:12:18.040 But you know, there's well probably a fair point there. 0:12:19.800 --> 0:12:23.000 So you're feeling all of this pressure and it's coming 0:12:23.000 --> 0:12:28.480 from a lot of different sources. But part of what's 0:12:28.800 --> 0:12:32.320 contributing to all the stress you have is not only 0:12:32.360 --> 0:12:37.320 your identity is someone who fixes, someone who helps others, 0:12:37.320 --> 0:12:41.679 who has answers, but it also protects you from as 0:12:41.720 --> 0:12:46.320 you were talking about, being really vulnerable. Yeah, it is 0:12:46.360 --> 0:12:48.320 not easy for you, and you don't seem to be 0:12:48.480 --> 0:12:52.680 keen on it. And now you're in a situation where 0:12:52.840 --> 0:12:57.360 everything is on you. You're an only child and you 0:12:57.440 --> 0:13:01.199 don't have a fix. But what was the have effects 0:13:01.760 --> 0:13:06.480 because you're the person to fixes things, and that's also 0:13:06.720 --> 0:13:11.720 that's also your emotional shield. So you're wondering, Okay, where 0:13:11.760 --> 0:13:15.200 does this leave me? If I feel like I don't 0:13:15.240 --> 0:13:16.839 really quite know what I'm doing right now? 0:13:17.440 --> 0:13:25.360 M m m yeah, I sometimes, yeah, I will, I 0:13:25.400 --> 0:13:30.520 will go over one thing, one Ron and Mary issue 0:13:31.080 --> 0:13:33.200 for a day in my head, that's like I'd go 0:13:33.240 --> 0:13:35.120 about my day. I'll do the things that but when 0:13:35.160 --> 0:13:37.840 I'm not focused on what, I'm not focused on on 0:13:37.880 --> 0:13:43.080 my work, my my podcast, my UNI whatever, that's where 0:13:43.120 --> 0:13:45.760 my mind is at. And and as you know, when 0:13:45.800 --> 0:13:49.120 you think about something too much, the anxiety or the 0:13:49.400 --> 0:13:51.720 rumination goes from a one to a two, to a 0:13:51.760 --> 0:13:54.400 five to a fucking twelve. And then I've got to 0:13:54.440 --> 0:13:57.920 rein myself in. And then it's funny because I was 0:13:58.000 --> 0:14:03.040 so we're recording this twelveth dirty Melbourne time, and at 0:14:03.040 --> 0:14:07.480 eleven o'clock I had I had a coaching session with 0:14:07.559 --> 0:14:11.679 a corporate client who's got a very high level, powerful, 0:14:13.280 --> 0:14:18.120 responsible position, and at five minutes to eleven start at eleven, 0:14:18.240 --> 0:14:21.600 I just did not I'm like, I felt unworthy to 0:14:21.640 --> 0:14:24.840 be coaching this person. I felt like all of these 0:14:24.920 --> 0:14:29.000 things that I feel and then trying to but I 0:14:29.080 --> 0:14:31.280 know that he is not aware of that, and I 0:14:31.320 --> 0:14:33.520 know I have a track record. I know I can 0:14:33.520 --> 0:14:35.320 coach people. I know I can put my shit on 0:14:35.400 --> 0:14:37.920 hold and I can just be what I need to 0:14:37.920 --> 0:14:43.080 be for that hour. It turns out hour and a quarter, right, Yeah, 0:14:42.680 --> 0:14:47.240 but I think I've probably been putting things on an 0:14:47.280 --> 0:14:50.680 emotional and or psychological shelf on the I'll get to 0:14:50.720 --> 0:14:53.960 that eventually, you know, just putting them on a little shelf. 0:14:53.960 --> 0:14:56.320 I'll come back to that. I don't have not that 0:14:56.360 --> 0:14:58.320 I'm going to have a breakdown, but it's almost like 0:14:58.360 --> 0:15:00.720 that I'll have a breakdown in June because I'm busy 0:15:00.800 --> 0:15:02.280 now a little bit of that. 0:15:03.040 --> 0:15:07.760 You've been pushing this down, pushing this down, and now 0:15:07.760 --> 0:15:10.720 it's becoming harder and harder to push that down. And 0:15:10.800 --> 0:15:14.320 the vulnerability that you avoid is something that you were 0:15:14.440 --> 0:15:19.600 swimming in. Right now you're feeling extremely vulnerable. Just what 0:15:19.640 --> 0:15:23.840 I'm observing is you have all of these things. You've 0:15:23.880 --> 0:15:27.240 got the podcast, you've got the PhD. You know, you've 0:15:27.280 --> 0:15:31.160 got the speaking, the coaching. But underneath all. 0:15:30.880 --> 0:15:37.040 Of it, yes, Ron and Mary, yes, mad Yeah. 0:15:36.880 --> 0:15:41.120 That is the most present and consistent thing for you 0:15:41.240 --> 0:15:43.880 that's bleeding into every aspect of your life. 0:15:44.600 --> 0:15:48.320 Yes. Yes, And I guess I don't like I try 0:15:48.360 --> 0:15:56.840 to figure out what is a good sum Yeah, and 0:15:58.360 --> 0:16:01.440 what do I Why should my tension be? Should I 0:16:01.480 --> 0:16:05.400 should I stop everything else and move in there? Should I? 0:16:05.440 --> 0:16:08.640 Should I? Should I leave my situation and go to 0:16:08.680 --> 0:16:12.520 their situation and press the start button in June again, 0:16:13.160 --> 0:16:16.680 or then you know, Yeah, there's a lot I get. 0:16:18.000 --> 0:16:22.640 Really, these are really important questions and they're not easy questions. 0:16:22.680 --> 0:16:25.800 But let's let's go back to one of these questions. 0:16:26.000 --> 0:16:30.440 If we can sure, what is a good son? What 0:16:30.480 --> 0:16:31.680 do you think a good sign is? 0:16:35.720 --> 0:16:40.520 Well, I think from the outside looking in, people would 0:16:40.520 --> 0:16:48.480 think I'm a good son because I'm practically uh good 0:16:48.640 --> 0:16:51.240 to that, Like, I don't know, I don't know. I 0:16:51.280 --> 0:16:54.320 guess I'm a good son, but I understand that. But 0:16:54.720 --> 0:16:57.760 the question what do I think a good son is? 0:16:58.040 --> 0:17:01.080 Do you think objectively a good sign. 0:17:00.760 --> 0:17:05.200 Is well, yeah, I guess for me, I would just 0:17:05.240 --> 0:17:08.200 say someone like I think a good son or daughter 0:17:08.359 --> 0:17:15.560 for that matter, is someone who at like in these 0:17:15.600 --> 0:17:18.480 situations that I'm in, prioritizes them over me, which I 0:17:18.560 --> 0:17:25.600 try to do. But also I guess someone who understands 0:17:25.760 --> 0:17:30.119 and cares for their parents' needs depending on what state 0:17:30.160 --> 0:17:32.560 of the journey at. But let's assume my kind of 0:17:32.600 --> 0:17:34.960 stage where I'm at. I'm sixty ish and my parents 0:17:34.960 --> 0:17:39.280 are eighty six, right, Yeah, I think to be able 0:17:39.320 --> 0:17:44.640 to meet their needs to appoint but then also get 0:17:44.680 --> 0:17:47.199 out of the way a little bit, because you know 0:17:47.280 --> 0:17:50.560 they can. You know they're still living independently, although that's 0:17:51.560 --> 0:17:56.880 not very easy at the minute. Yeah, and. 0:18:00.080 --> 0:18:03.439 All of the things that you just said. Our scale 0:18:03.440 --> 0:18:09.640 from one to ten, where ten is you are aligned 0:18:09.960 --> 0:18:16.400 completely with your highest definition of a good sign. One 0:18:17.960 --> 0:18:19.040 you're a terrible sign. 0:18:19.720 --> 0:18:20.120 Yeah. 0:18:20.800 --> 0:18:22.560 Where do you objectively feel you are? 0:18:27.600 --> 0:18:30.600 Well? I can't objective because it's subjective, isn't it. But 0:18:30.680 --> 0:18:35.159 I think I'm as objective so they can be about me. 0:18:37.160 --> 0:18:40.880 I don't think I think I'm a seven. I think 0:18:40.920 --> 0:18:44.800 I'm at six. Sometimes it's like part of this is 0:18:44.840 --> 0:18:47.199 coming out, this is probably need to know this, and 0:18:47.400 --> 0:18:50.159 I can't expand on this. I don't ask. But I 0:18:50.160 --> 0:18:52.400 had a moment with my dad last night. I loved 0:18:52.400 --> 0:18:58.800 my dad, but I just had a moment, right, and Yeah, 0:18:58.800 --> 0:19:01.679 out of respect for my dad, I can't say what happened, 0:19:01.720 --> 0:19:05.240 but let's just say we didn't have the the most 0:19:05.400 --> 0:19:14.520 glorious interaction. And part of me thinks I'm right. In 0:19:14.560 --> 0:19:17.200 fact that I would almost say I know I'm right, 0:19:17.880 --> 0:19:21.040 but that's arrogant. But I believe I'm right. But then 0:19:21.119 --> 0:19:23.560 part of me also goes so what you don't have 0:19:23.640 --> 0:19:27.600 to be fucking right, And it's just this intersection of 0:19:29.680 --> 0:19:34.560 you know, how do I deal with how do I 0:19:34.600 --> 0:19:38.920 practically deal with people who aren't what they once were 0:19:39.280 --> 0:19:42.280 cognitively and emotionally, and everything's when you're eighty six my 0:19:42.359 --> 0:19:46.800 parents anyway, everything's a bit scary. So we don't need 0:19:47.400 --> 0:19:52.760 fucking Steve the problem solver. We're just marching in there. Yeah, 0:19:52.760 --> 0:19:56.359 And I think sometimes I am not what they need 0:19:57.760 --> 0:20:00.440 and I'm not the best me with them. I'm trying 0:20:00.440 --> 0:20:02.879 to be the best me, in fact, killing myself to 0:20:02.920 --> 0:20:05.560 be the best me for them. But I feel like 0:20:06.600 --> 0:20:10.200 sometimes I maybe even exacerbate issues. 0:20:11.320 --> 0:20:15.520 So you're disappointed in how certain exchanges play out. 0:20:16.240 --> 0:20:19.680 Yeah, Yeah, you. 0:20:19.640 --> 0:20:26.160 Know you said something earlier about sometimes it's not about 0:20:26.160 --> 0:20:30.920 the fix. Yeah, it's not about having the answers, even 0:20:30.960 --> 0:20:35.280 though that's a place that you out of care, maybe 0:20:35.480 --> 0:20:38.000 maybe a little bit of fear that you're feeling right 0:20:38.040 --> 0:20:44.640 now in this situation gravitated. But if that's not the answer, 0:20:46.320 --> 0:20:50.160 what's the other part of that equation? What is that answer? 0:20:52.720 --> 0:20:55.200 What is the answer to or what is the anacdote 0:20:55.280 --> 0:20:56.639 to what I think I'm doing? 0:20:56.800 --> 0:21:01.080 Yes, sometimes sometimes it's not about the fix, Yeah, about 0:21:01.119 --> 0:21:03.080 something else. What is that something else? 0:21:05.520 --> 0:21:10.760 I think I'm scared of. If I don't have this 0:21:10.880 --> 0:21:16.240 conversation that I think need needs to be had, something 0:21:16.359 --> 0:21:22.800 bad will happen that I could perhaps prevent or impact positively, 0:21:23.000 --> 0:21:30.199 like I think, And you know, obviously my intention is good, 0:21:30.280 --> 0:21:33.840 like I'm I'm ten out of ten about my own intentions, 0:21:33.880 --> 0:21:35.840 Like I know that my intentions are good. I know 0:21:35.920 --> 0:21:41.000 that I love them. I just don't know that my 0:21:41.240 --> 0:21:46.640 version is optimal. And I worry that if I don't 0:21:47.880 --> 0:21:50.439 address this thing, whatever the thing is, because you know, 0:21:50.720 --> 0:21:55.800 in all relationships there's a million things. But if somebody 0:21:55.880 --> 0:21:58.560 doesn't bring it up, like mom and Dad won't bring 0:21:58.560 --> 0:22:00.080 it up, so I need to bring it up. Then 0:22:00.119 --> 0:22:02.159 when I bring it up, it often doesn't create a 0:22:02.200 --> 0:22:05.840 good outcome, And then I go, oh, great, I just 0:22:05.920 --> 0:22:10.159 created stress in the family. And I walk away sometimes 0:22:10.240 --> 0:22:13.760 and the thing hasn't been fixed or addressed or resolved, 0:22:14.560 --> 0:22:17.359 and I just upset two people. 0:22:19.000 --> 0:22:25.520 So you know intuitively at some level that what your 0:22:25.560 --> 0:22:31.560 parents need from you might be different than a solution 0:22:32.480 --> 0:22:37.840 or a quote quote unquote fix, But you are scared 0:22:38.240 --> 0:22:42.640 shitless to move away from the fix because you are 0:22:42.800 --> 0:22:46.440 very frightened about the situation that your parents are in 0:22:47.000 --> 0:22:50.239 the emotional impact it's going to have on you, and 0:22:50.320 --> 0:22:56.840 if something terrible happens, your fear is that you'll feel 0:22:56.920 --> 0:23:01.160 responsible because you should have done something more tangible. 0:23:02.480 --> 0:23:06.200 Yeah, that's very insightful. That is true. So I think 0:23:07.080 --> 0:23:09.919 in the micro of the moment, like in the moment, 0:23:09.960 --> 0:23:15.720 in the real you know, this is real time. I'm like, 0:23:15.840 --> 0:23:19.679 I'm all about like I'm trying to be and I 0:23:19.720 --> 0:23:22.639 think if people saw me doing my thing, they would go, 0:23:22.720 --> 0:23:26.280 you're too hard on yourself. But I actually think I 0:23:26.440 --> 0:23:29.320 just go about it the wrong way sometimes, and I'm 0:23:29.840 --> 0:23:33.160 concerned with the macro of their life, the next however many, 0:23:34.520 --> 0:23:37.440 however long the rest of their life is right, I'm 0:23:37.520 --> 0:23:42.960 concerned for them about that. So I want to be practical, 0:23:44.320 --> 0:23:49.320 But in the moment being practical for them where they're 0:23:49.359 --> 0:23:55.440 at mentally and emotionally, it doesn't seem to be the thing, 0:23:55.760 --> 0:23:57.440 you know, But then I don't want to. I don't 0:23:57.480 --> 0:23:59.480 want to not talk about things that I think are 0:23:59.520 --> 0:24:03.280 really going to be a problem for them. Yeah, so 0:24:03.760 --> 0:24:04.639 I don't know for me. 0:24:05.480 --> 0:24:08.440 Let's talk about let's talk about what's real for you. 0:24:08.880 --> 0:24:12.280 I understand all of this is very important and you 0:24:12.359 --> 0:24:16.520 need to think about that sure in the time you 0:24:16.600 --> 0:24:22.119 have left with your parents. Yeah, what do you most 0:24:22.200 --> 0:24:25.080 want in the relationship with them right now? 0:24:27.600 --> 0:24:32.480 What I most want, which is not so much our relationship, 0:24:32.520 --> 0:24:41.359 but I want them to feel safe and two not 0:24:41.600 --> 0:24:44.760 be in any well this is impossible, but as much 0:24:44.760 --> 0:24:51.320 as possible, not in any kind of pain. And I 0:24:51.400 --> 0:24:54.359 you know my mum is if anyone hears this and 0:24:54.440 --> 0:24:56.800 knows my mum or dad, please don't talk to them 0:24:56.840 --> 0:25:00.280 about this. But you know, there's just a huge amount 0:25:00.280 --> 0:25:03.640 of worry. My mum worries about everything, and I want it. 0:25:03.720 --> 0:25:06.080 I can't, but I as best I can. I try 0:25:06.119 --> 0:25:09.159 to alleviate all of that, which I can't do it, 0:25:09.240 --> 0:25:12.440 but you know, sometimes I can make a small impact 0:25:12.480 --> 0:25:16.359 and lift that load a little bit. But you know, 0:25:16.440 --> 0:25:22.080 my you know, if somebody said to me, give us 0:25:22.119 --> 0:25:25.680 all everything you own, if God came down and went, 0:25:25.760 --> 0:25:28.680 I need all your stuff, everything you own, and I'll 0:25:28.720 --> 0:25:31.639 give your parents one amazing year, I'm like, where do 0:25:31.720 --> 0:25:38.600 I sign? Like zero seconds deliberation, where do I sign you? 0:25:39.240 --> 0:25:45.320 You care enormously obviously about your parents and you don't 0:25:45.480 --> 0:25:52.200 want them to suffer. What are we not talking about here? 0:26:00.600 --> 0:26:03.960 I'm not sure what you're asking, but I'm not talking 0:26:04.000 --> 0:26:05.520 about me or my feelings. 0:26:06.160 --> 0:26:10.760 Yeah, here's what I'm asking. Yeah, we're talking about what 0:26:10.840 --> 0:26:15.440 you want in the relationship, and you're talking about the 0:26:15.440 --> 0:26:18.800 things that you don't want your parents to go through, 0:26:19.920 --> 0:26:25.000 right as their son and their parents. 0:26:25.440 --> 0:26:26.919 Yeah, what are. 0:26:26.880 --> 0:26:33.760