1 00:00:00,480 --> 00:00:03,440 Speaker 1: O good a team. It's Craig andw Harper, It's young 2 00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:06,440 Speaker 1: Bobby over there in the thriving metropolis of well the 3 00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:11,880 Speaker 1: very busy, the very busy and somewhat chaotic us. A Ay, 4 00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:14,239 Speaker 1: we're not going to go into that, but it is 5 00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:17,759 Speaker 1: an interesting place. That is an interesting world that we 6 00:00:17,840 --> 00:00:20,880 Speaker 1: inhabit at the moment. Even Australia is interesting. But let's 7 00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:24,880 Speaker 1: not talk politics or the state of the world because 8 00:00:24,880 --> 00:00:27,120 Speaker 1: we probably get enough of that in the media. Hi, mate, 9 00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:27,760 Speaker 1: how are you? 10 00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:29,720 Speaker 2: Hey? What's going on? Greg? 11 00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:33,519 Speaker 1: Well? Good? You didn't answer me? How are you? How 12 00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:33,879 Speaker 1: are you? 13 00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:35,320 Speaker 2: I'm still alive. 14 00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:36,800 Speaker 1: You're still alive? 15 00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:38,680 Speaker 2: Still alive? So far? 16 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:44,640 Speaker 1: You're still alive. Hey. We have obviously, we have a 17 00:00:44,680 --> 00:00:48,680 Speaker 1: broad range of listeners to this show, but we probably 18 00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:55,480 Speaker 1: do have a slant towards people who are really about 19 00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:59,480 Speaker 1: high performance, whatever that means to them, people who are 20 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:05,360 Speaker 1: really keen to prioritize their physical, mental, and emotional health 21 00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:08,919 Speaker 1: and wellbeing and their outcomes and their performance in life 22 00:01:08,959 --> 00:01:14,800 Speaker 1: and work and relationships and all of the things. And 23 00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:18,119 Speaker 1: I was thinking earlier, I was thinking, what are Bobby 24 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,160 Speaker 1: and I are going to talk about? And I thought, like, 25 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:23,960 Speaker 1: my life has been a little bit chaotic lately, and 26 00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:26,920 Speaker 1: I tend not to. And I'm not going to open 27 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,759 Speaker 1: it too wide because I don't want to be boring 28 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:32,360 Speaker 1: and I don't want to be self indulgent. But I coach. 29 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:35,080 Speaker 1: I was going to say I coach everyone. That is 30 00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:37,400 Speaker 1: not true. But most of the conversations that I had 31 00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:42,040 Speaker 1: with people that are not incidental, apart from friendship stuff, 32 00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:44,600 Speaker 1: but most of them are a form of coaching. Even 33 00:01:44,640 --> 00:01:47,840 Speaker 1: when someone sits down with me incidentally at the cafe, 34 00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:50,640 Speaker 1: usually they want to ask me something or they want 35 00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:53,400 Speaker 1: feedback on something, which I totally don't mind because I 36 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:56,720 Speaker 1: kind of think that's my calling, if there's such a thing. 37 00:01:57,280 --> 00:02:03,200 Speaker 1: But I thought, I thought, what if I ask Bobby 38 00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:07,200 Speaker 1: to coach me for I don't know, fifteen twenty twenty 39 00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:09,840 Speaker 1: five thirty minutes today and just see where we go. 40 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:14,000 Speaker 1: Because I'm not very used to being coached, but I 41 00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:17,520 Speaker 1: definitely could do with some coaching and some insight other 42 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:21,760 Speaker 1: than my own. And I asked you quickly before we 43 00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:25,280 Speaker 1: went live, so i'll ask you again. You okay with that? Yeah? 44 00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:27,240 Speaker 2: Okay with that? 45 00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:29,839 Speaker 1: If you're okay with that? Yeah, So let's a couple 46 00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:32,200 Speaker 1: of things before we jump in and I open that door. 47 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:38,079 Speaker 1: But so if you're doing a coaching session with somebody 48 00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:40,360 Speaker 1: like me, and let's say I booked a session with 49 00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:42,560 Speaker 1: you tomorrow, but we had a five minute chat today, 50 00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:47,640 Speaker 1: would you kind of just come in as fresh as 51 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:50,240 Speaker 1: you can be, with a kind of a blank slate mind, 52 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:52,880 Speaker 1: or would you have some kind of intention or process 53 00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:58,480 Speaker 1: in mind? What is your like before you do that 54 00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:01,560 Speaker 1: with someone, because you really count too much prep because 55 00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:03,080 Speaker 1: you don't really know what's coming right. 56 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:09,360 Speaker 2: It depends. So sometimes if you are a coach and 57 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:12,480 Speaker 2: someone has been sent to you right by an organization 58 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:16,560 Speaker 2: or let's say by their boss, and they haven't they 59 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:22,400 Speaker 2: have an incentive around solving for a particular area, there 60 00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:24,280 Speaker 2: probably would be a little bit of prep. Or let's 61 00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:27,960 Speaker 2: say they're coming to you for health reasons, you might 62 00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:31,840 Speaker 2: do You might have an intake or an initial session. 63 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:33,880 Speaker 2: You might take a look at what their what their 64 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:38,040 Speaker 2: vision statement is. And a vision statement, it's not it's 65 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:41,880 Speaker 2: not as esoteric as it sounds. All it means is 66 00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:45,440 Speaker 2: really important to you. What does that look like measurably 67 00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:49,280 Speaker 2: in the future behaviorally as well, not what you're thinking 68 00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:52,240 Speaker 2: and where you are and you know it's not like 69 00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:54,960 Speaker 2: I've done that, but what are you doing day to 70 00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:58,880 Speaker 2: day that's very different from where you are now. So 71 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:03,320 Speaker 2: my review that vision statement and why it's relevant, why 72 00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:08,160 Speaker 2: it's meaningful. So there could be prepped before a session 73 00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:12,280 Speaker 2: or sometimes in ongoing coaching, you don't know and they 74 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:14,880 Speaker 2: don't know because it's based on what's going on in 75 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:17,480 Speaker 2: their daily lives over the course of the week or 76 00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:20,480 Speaker 2: the last time they happen to speak to you. I 77 00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:23,599 Speaker 2: try to show up to my coaching sessions as naked 78 00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:27,839 Speaker 2: as possible, not me not wearing anything. I tend to 79 00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:31,400 Speaker 2: be fully dressed most of the time. But I mean 80 00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:34,800 Speaker 2: not showing up with an agenda, not showing up with 81 00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:37,919 Speaker 2: the pre supposition, not showing up where, oh I'd really 82 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:41,680 Speaker 2: like to take this coaching session here, just being completely 83 00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:44,080 Speaker 2: open to where the conversation needs to go. 84 00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:51,240 Speaker 3: Not necessarily following someone, you know, where their mind is 85 00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:55,200 Speaker 3: leading them, but not really directing them either, kind of guiding, 86 00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:56,760 Speaker 3: you know, kind of like. 87 00:04:57,160 --> 00:05:02,839 Speaker 2: Listening, seeing what's there, seeing what it means to the person, 88 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:05,920 Speaker 2: saying okay, well what are we curious about, you know, 89 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:10,799 Speaker 2: and kind of helping them tap into their own inner resources. 90 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:16,400 Speaker 2: Perspectives and kind of examine and explore possible ways forward 91 00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:18,599 Speaker 2: and then see what it'll be ready to commit to 92 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:22,039 Speaker 2: that day. So it really does depend on the situation. 93 00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:27,640 Speaker 2: The short answer is, unless there's a specific reason or 94 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:31,200 Speaker 2: something I have to prepare for based on what happened 95 00:05:31,279 --> 00:05:34,560 Speaker 2: last session that they want to carry over, I try 96 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:35,600 Speaker 2: to just show up empty. 97 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:40,640 Speaker 1: Yeah right, right, all right, So let's dig in to me, 98 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:44,200 Speaker 1: which I never do, and I'm going to tell you 99 00:05:44,279 --> 00:05:46,560 Speaker 1: right now in this moment, just as I said that, 100 00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:50,000 Speaker 1: I felt really uncomfortable because I'm thinking one does anyone 101 00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:51,960 Speaker 1: and want to hear this too? Is this fucking self 102 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:55,400 Speaker 1: indulgent bullshit? But anyway, let's put all that aside. I 103 00:05:55,440 --> 00:06:02,599 Speaker 1: want to talk to you firstly about trying to manage 104 00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:07,559 Speaker 1: moving forward. For me, I have just like I don't 105 00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:10,880 Speaker 1: feel overwhelmed in the way that a lot of people 106 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:16,280 Speaker 1: feel it, but there's not a lot of like from 107 00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:18,919 Speaker 1: the outside looking in, everyone would think I was pretty calm, 108 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:23,320 Speaker 1: because I am that, and it's not that there's massive 109 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:26,320 Speaker 1: underlying stress, but just trying to figure out. So at 110 00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:29,480 Speaker 1: the moment, I've written a little list, so I'm probably 111 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:31,840 Speaker 1: in the last which it seems to be a saga. 112 00:06:31,839 --> 00:06:34,120 Speaker 1: But the last four to eight weeks of my PhD, 113 00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:37,039 Speaker 1: I'm submitting papers, I'm writing my thesis. All the work 114 00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:42,440 Speaker 1: in Inverted Commas is done, but it's very cognitively demanding 115 00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:47,640 Speaker 1: and also emotionally and physically demanding. And then there's the podcast, 116 00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:50,680 Speaker 1: which you know where I had a few issues this week, 117 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:53,559 Speaker 1: so I couldn't do five, but typically it's five, sometimes more. 118 00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:57,080 Speaker 1: Then there's training, and then there's trying to look after 119 00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:58,800 Speaker 1: my body in the other ways, and then there's my 120 00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:01,320 Speaker 1: mum and dad, which is going nuts at the minute. 121 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:04,160 Speaker 1: And then there's just trying to have a life and 122 00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:11,120 Speaker 1: some balance. And I feel sometimes I get a bit 123 00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:17,040 Speaker 1: ah like, almost like at that threshold where I feel 124 00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:20,280 Speaker 1: like I'm going to fucking burst. I'm going to burst, 125 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:22,320 Speaker 1: Like I just have This is. 126 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:26,720 Speaker 2: A overwhelming for you. You have a lot of things demanding 127 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:32,000 Speaker 2: a lot from you emotionally, physically, mentally, and they're all important. 128 00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:35,840 Speaker 2: And some of those important things aren't about things at all, 129 00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:37,920 Speaker 2: they're about people you deeply love. 130 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:44,320 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I struggle with because my priority, you know, 131 00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:48,560 Speaker 1: perhaps not well, like my priority is obviously my parents. 132 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:51,480 Speaker 1: But there's only so much I can do, so then 133 00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:54,240 Speaker 1: I feel guilt attached to that. I don't know if 134 00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:56,720 Speaker 1: we're going to get anywhere today with me, but let's hope, right, 135 00:07:56,760 --> 00:07:59,240 Speaker 1: And this is me just being this is what I'm 136 00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:01,200 Speaker 1: even embarrassed to say some of these things, but I 137 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:03,760 Speaker 1: want to say them anyway. So then I feel guilt 138 00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:07,640 Speaker 1: around I can't fix everything, but I'm like I'm the fixer, 139 00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:11,880 Speaker 1: which I know is probably egotistical and bullshit, right. And 140 00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:16,560 Speaker 1: then I my mum and I have a really easy 141 00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:19,960 Speaker 1: close relationship my dad, who's a good human, but we're 142 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:24,560 Speaker 1: probably alike and so it's not always easy or comfortable. 143 00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:31,040 Speaker 1: And then me trying to be compassionate in the moment 144 00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:34,320 Speaker 1: all the time when I want to be practical, I 145 00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:36,080 Speaker 1: want to go, well, here's the problem, dad, let's do 146 00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:38,880 Speaker 1: this and that and if you know that kind of 147 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:43,559 Speaker 1: navigating that balance between how do I be loving in 148 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:47,600 Speaker 1: the moment, compassionate, awhere, understanding, and also how do I 149 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:50,640 Speaker 1: get shit done? How do I practically help them? And 150 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:56,720 Speaker 1: I feel like sometimes my leaning towards just solving problems 151 00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,480 Speaker 1: isn't actually solving problems. 152 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:02,400 Speaker 2: So that this is so broad and there's so many 153 00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:06,040 Speaker 2: layers to it, and on top of the overwhelm, you're 154 00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:10,400 Speaker 2: already feeling there's a lot of guilt because there's a 155 00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:14,120 Speaker 2: bit of helplessness there and you're not sure if you 156 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:18,160 Speaker 2: can meet every demand that's being pleased on you, or 157 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:19,520 Speaker 2: even how to go about that. 158 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:25,720 Speaker 1: Yes, and sometimes because I've never done this before, like 159 00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:28,680 Speaker 1: as in this space i'm in with my folks, I've 160 00:09:28,679 --> 00:09:30,800 Speaker 1: never been It's not like I can say, well, last 161 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:34,760 Speaker 1: time my parents were old and sick, I did this, 162 00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:38,800 Speaker 1: you know, So I have no kind of context other 163 00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:42,480 Speaker 1: than through other people sharing their stories, which is great, 164 00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:46,520 Speaker 1: And so you know, there's a level of uncertainty as well, 165 00:09:46,679 --> 00:09:49,400 Speaker 1: which is part of the human experience, I know. But 166 00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:58,040 Speaker 1: you know, making big, life affecting decisions and trying to 167 00:09:59,559 --> 00:10:04,120 Speaker 1: trying to give you know, people who are cognitively not 168 00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:07,880 Speaker 1: one hundred percent like they once were, but trying to 169 00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:11,640 Speaker 1: be one hundred percent respectful while helping them on a 170 00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:15,480 Speaker 1: practical level. I just sometimes I just fucking don't off 171 00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:16,400 Speaker 1: I'm doing the right thing. 172 00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:20,120 Speaker 2: It's a lot of pressure in a situation where it's 173 00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:24,320 Speaker 2: impossible to have clear answers. Let's go back to something 174 00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:29,360 Speaker 2: you had said, Yeah, that your identity and what people 175 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:33,880 Speaker 2: know you for and lean on you for is you 176 00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:39,560 Speaker 2: are the person who fixes it and you don't have effects. Yeah, 177 00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:41,280 Speaker 2: talk more about that. 178 00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:45,880 Speaker 1: Yeah, if you make me cry, this is going to 179 00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:51,320 Speaker 1: be We're definitely not sharing now. I think part of 180 00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:55,760 Speaker 1: that is probably ego, because I guess I like that. 181 00:10:56,480 --> 00:11:03,800 Speaker 1: I guess that makes me feel good. Being vulnerable like 182 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:08,640 Speaker 1: right now is fucking uncomfortable. Although I do tell people 183 00:11:08,679 --> 00:11:10,600 Speaker 1: on a regular basis how shit I am at a 184 00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:17,080 Speaker 1: lot of things. But yeah, I guess that just being 185 00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:22,200 Speaker 1: in that space where I'm fine with not knowing, but 186 00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:25,720 Speaker 1: when my not knowing might impact other people's I don't 187 00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:28,400 Speaker 1: know what you originally asked me, but when my not 188 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:31,760 Speaker 1: knowing or my lack of certainty, or my lack of 189 00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:36,840 Speaker 1: perhaps direction is going to impact my mum and dad, 190 00:11:37,679 --> 00:11:41,280 Speaker 1: you know, I would rather fuck up my own life, 191 00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:44,079 Speaker 1: do you know what I mean? And because and this 192 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:48,000 Speaker 1: is not self pity, but this is practicality. I'm the 193 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:50,520 Speaker 1: only child. It's not like I can ask my brothers 194 00:11:50,559 --> 00:11:53,079 Speaker 1: and sisters. It's not like I've got a wife or kids. 195 00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:55,800 Speaker 1: It's not like there's grandkids. And while I do have 196 00:11:55,880 --> 00:11:59,520 Speaker 1: amazing support and I've got some surrogate sisters up in 197 00:11:59,559 --> 00:12:04,840 Speaker 1: the bush. Mom and Dad live here brilliant. Yes, sometimes 198 00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:08,880 Speaker 1: I wish I had a fucking sister, or a two sisters, 199 00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:11,280 Speaker 1: or I don't know why I don't wish for a brother. 200 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,640 Speaker 1: I think sisters would be better in this guise. 201 00:12:13,679 --> 00:12:18,040 Speaker 2: But you know, there's well probably a fair point there. 202 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:23,000 Speaker 2: So you're feeling all of this pressure and it's coming 203 00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:28,480 Speaker 2: from a lot of different sources. But part of what's 204 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:32,320 Speaker 2: contributing to all the stress you have is not only 205 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:37,320 Speaker 2: your identity is someone who fixes, someone who helps others, 206 00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:41,679 Speaker 2: who has answers, but it also protects you from as 207 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:46,320 Speaker 2: you were talking about, being really vulnerable. Yeah, it is 208 00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:48,320 Speaker 2: not easy for you, and you don't seem to be 209 00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:52,680 Speaker 2: keen on it. And now you're in a situation where 210 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:57,360 Speaker 2: everything is on you. You're an only child and you 211 00:12:57,440 --> 00:13:01,199 Speaker 2: don't have a fix. But what was the have effects 212 00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:06,480 Speaker 2: because you're the person to fixes things, and that's also 213 00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:11,720 Speaker 2: that's also your emotional shield. So you're wondering, Okay, where 214 00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:15,200 Speaker 2: does this leave me? If I feel like I don't 215 00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:16,839 Speaker 2: really quite know what I'm doing right now? 216 00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:25,360 Speaker 1: M m m yeah, I sometimes, yeah, I will, I 217 00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:30,520 Speaker 1: will go over one thing, one Ron and Mary issue 218 00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:33,200 Speaker 1: for a day in my head, that's like I'd go 219 00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:35,120 Speaker 1: about my day. I'll do the things that but when 220 00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:37,840 Speaker 1: I'm not focused on what, I'm not focused on on 221 00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:43,080 Speaker 1: my work, my my podcast, my UNI whatever, that's where 222 00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:45,760 Speaker 1: my mind is at. And and as you know, when 223 00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:49,120 Speaker 1: you think about something too much, the anxiety or the 224 00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:51,720 Speaker 1: rumination goes from a one to a two, to a 225 00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:54,400 Speaker 1: five to a fucking twelve. And then I've got to 226 00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:57,920 Speaker 1: rein myself in. And then it's funny because I was 227 00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:03,040 Speaker 1: so we're recording this twelveth dirty Melbourne time, and at 228 00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:07,480 Speaker 1: eleven o'clock I had I had a coaching session with 229 00:14:07,559 --> 00:14:11,679 Speaker 1: a corporate client who's got a very high level, powerful, 230 00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:18,120 Speaker 1: responsible position, and at five minutes to eleven start at eleven, 231 00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:21,600 Speaker 1: I just did not I'm like, I felt unworthy to 232 00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:24,840 Speaker 1: be coaching this person. I felt like all of these 233 00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:29,000 Speaker 1: things that I feel and then trying to but I 234 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:31,280 Speaker 1: know that he is not aware of that, and I 235 00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:33,520 Speaker 1: know I have a track record. I know I can 236 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:35,320 Speaker 1: coach people. I know I can put my shit on 237 00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:37,920 Speaker 1: hold and I can just be what I need to 238 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:43,080 Speaker 1: be for that hour. It turns out hour and a quarter, right, Yeah, 239 00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:47,240 Speaker 1: but I think I've probably been putting things on an 240 00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:50,680 Speaker 1: emotional and or psychological shelf on the I'll get to 241 00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:53,960 Speaker 1: that eventually, you know, just putting them on a little shelf. 242 00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,320 Speaker 1: I'll come back to that. I don't have not that 243 00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:58,320 Speaker 1: I'm going to have a breakdown, but it's almost like 244 00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:00,720 Speaker 1: that I'll have a breakdown in June because I'm busy 245 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,280 Speaker 1: now a little bit of that. 246 00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:07,760 Speaker 2: You've been pushing this down, pushing this down, and now 247 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:10,720 Speaker 2: it's becoming harder and harder to push that down. And 248 00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:14,320 Speaker 2: the vulnerability that you avoid is something that you were 249 00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:19,600 Speaker 2: swimming in. Right now you're feeling extremely vulnerable. Just what 250 00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:23,840 Speaker 2: I'm observing is you have all of these things. You've 251 00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:27,240 Speaker 2: got the podcast, you've got the PhD. You know, you've 252 00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:31,160 Speaker 2: got the speaking, the coaching. But underneath all. 253 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:37,040 Speaker 1: Of it, yes, Ron and Mary, yes, mad Yeah. 254 00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:41,120 Speaker 2: That is the most present and consistent thing for you 255 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:43,880 Speaker 2: that's bleeding into every aspect of your life. 256 00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:48,320 Speaker 1: Yes. Yes, And I guess I don't like I try 257 00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:56,840 Speaker 1: to figure out what is a good sum Yeah, and 258 00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:01,440 Speaker 1: what do I Why should my tension be? Should I 259 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:05,400 Speaker 1: should I stop everything else and move in there? Should I? 260 00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:08,640 Speaker 1: Should I? Should I leave my situation and go to 261 00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:12,520 Speaker 1: their situation and press the start button in June again, 262 00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:16,680 Speaker 1: or then you know, Yeah, there's a lot I get. 263 00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:22,640 Speaker 2: Really, these are really important questions and they're not easy questions. 264 00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:25,800 Speaker 2: But let's let's go back to one of these questions. 265 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:30,440 Speaker 2: If we can sure, what is a good son? What 266 00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:31,680 Speaker 2: do you think a good sign is? 267 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:40,520 Speaker 1: Well, I think from the outside looking in, people would 268 00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:48,480 Speaker 1: think I'm a good son because I'm practically uh good 269 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:51,240 Speaker 1: to that, Like, I don't know, I don't know. I 270 00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:54,320 Speaker 1: guess I'm a good son, but I understand that. But 271 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:57,760 Speaker 1: the question what do I think a good son is? 272 00:16:58,040 --> 00:17:01,080 Speaker 2: Do you think objectively a good sign. 273 00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:05,200 Speaker 1: Is well, yeah, I guess for me, I would just 274 00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:08,200 Speaker 1: say someone like I think a good son or daughter 275 00:17:08,359 --> 00:17:15,560 Speaker 1: for that matter, is someone who at like in these 276 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:18,480 Speaker 1: situations that I'm in, prioritizes them over me, which I 277 00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:25,600 Speaker 1: try to do. But also I guess someone who understands 278 00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:30,119 Speaker 1: and cares for their parents' needs depending on what state 279 00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:32,560 Speaker 1: of the journey at. But let's assume my kind of 280 00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:34,960 Speaker 1: stage where I'm at. I'm sixty ish and my parents 281 00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:39,280 Speaker 1: are eighty six, right, Yeah, I think to be able 282 00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:44,640 Speaker 1: to meet their needs to appoint but then also get 283 00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:47,199 Speaker 1: out of the way a little bit, because you know 284 00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:50,560 Speaker 1: they can. You know they're still living independently, although that's 285 00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:56,880 Speaker 1: not very easy at the minute. Yeah, and. 286 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:03,439 Speaker 2: All of the things that you just said. Our scale 287 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:09,640 Speaker 2: from one to ten, where ten is you are aligned 288 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:16,400 Speaker 2: completely with your highest definition of a good sign. One 289 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:19,040 Speaker 2: you're a terrible sign. 290 00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:20,120 Speaker 1: Yeah. 291 00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:22,560 Speaker 2: Where do you objectively feel you are? 292 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:30,600 Speaker 1: Well? I can't objective because it's subjective, isn't it. But 293 00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:35,159 Speaker 1: I think I'm as objective so they can be about me. 294 00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:40,880 Speaker 1: I don't think I think I'm a seven. I think 295 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:44,800 Speaker 1: I'm at six. Sometimes it's like part of this is 296 00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:47,199 Speaker 1: coming out, this is probably need to know this, and 297 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:50,159 Speaker 1: I can't expand on this. I don't ask. But I 298 00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:52,400 Speaker 1: had a moment with my dad last night. I loved 299 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:58,800 Speaker 1: my dad, but I just had a moment, right, and Yeah, 300 00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:01,679 Speaker 1: out of respect for my dad, I can't say what happened, 301 00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:05,240 Speaker 1: but let's just say we didn't have the the most 302 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:14,520 Speaker 1: glorious interaction. And part of me thinks I'm right. In 303 00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:17,200 Speaker 1: fact that I would almost say I know I'm right, 304 00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:21,040 Speaker 1: but that's arrogant. But I believe I'm right. But then 305 00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:23,560 Speaker 1: part of me also goes so what you don't have 306 00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:27,600 Speaker 1: to be fucking right, And it's just this intersection of 307 00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:34,560 Speaker 1: you know, how do I deal with how do I 308 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:38,920 Speaker 1: practically deal with people who aren't what they once were 309 00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:42,280 Speaker 1: cognitively and emotionally, and everything's when you're eighty six my 310 00:19:42,359 --> 00:19:46,800 Speaker 1: parents anyway, everything's a bit scary. So we don't need 311 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:52,760 Speaker 1: fucking Steve the problem solver. We're just marching in there. Yeah, 312 00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:56,359 Speaker 1: And I think sometimes I am not what they need 313 00:19:57,760 --> 00:20:00,440 Speaker 1: and I'm not the best me with them. I'm trying 314 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:02,879 Speaker 1: to be the best me, in fact, killing myself to 315 00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:05,560 Speaker 1: be the best me for them. But I feel like 316 00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:10,200 Speaker 1: sometimes I maybe even exacerbate issues. 317 00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:15,520 Speaker 2: So you're disappointed in how certain exchanges play out. 318 00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:19,680 Speaker 1: Yeah, Yeah, you. 319 00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:26,160 Speaker 2: Know you said something earlier about sometimes it's not about 320 00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:30,920 Speaker 2: the fix. Yeah, it's not about having the answers, even 321 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:35,280 Speaker 2: though that's a place that you out of care, maybe 322 00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:38,000 Speaker 2: maybe a little bit of fear that you're feeling right 323 00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:44,640 Speaker 2: now in this situation gravitated. But if that's not the answer, 324 00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:50,160 Speaker 2: what's the other part of that equation? What is that answer? 325 00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:55,200 Speaker 1: What is the answer to or what is the anacdote 326 00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:56,639 Speaker 1: to what I think I'm doing? 327 00:20:56,800 --> 00:21:01,080 Speaker 2: Yes, sometimes sometimes it's not about the fix, Yeah, about 328 00:21:01,119 --> 00:21:03,080 Speaker 2: something else. What is that something else? 329 00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:10,760 Speaker 1: I think I'm scared of. If I don't have this 330 00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:16,240 Speaker 1: conversation that I think need needs to be had, something 331 00:21:16,359 --> 00:21:22,800 Speaker 1: bad will happen that I could perhaps prevent or impact positively, 332 00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:30,199 Speaker 1: like I think, And you know, obviously my intention is good, 333 00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:33,840 Speaker 1: like I'm I'm ten out of ten about my own intentions, 334 00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:35,840 Speaker 1: Like I know that my intentions are good. I know 335 00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:41,000 Speaker 1: that I love them. I just don't know that my 336 00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:46,640 Speaker 1: version is optimal. And I worry that if I don't 337 00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:50,439 Speaker 1: address this thing, whatever the thing is, because you know, 338 00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:55,800 Speaker 1: in all relationships there's a million things. But if somebody 339 00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:58,560 Speaker 1: doesn't bring it up, like mom and Dad won't bring 340 00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:00,080 Speaker 1: it up, so I need to bring it up. Then 341 00:22:00,119 --> 00:22:02,159 Speaker 1: when I bring it up, it often doesn't create a 342 00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:05,840 Speaker 1: good outcome, And then I go, oh, great, I just 343 00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:10,159 Speaker 1: created stress in the family. And I walk away sometimes 344 00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:13,760 Speaker 1: and the thing hasn't been fixed or addressed or resolved, 345 00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:17,359 Speaker 1: and I just upset two people. 346 00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:25,520 Speaker 2: So you know intuitively at some level that what your 347 00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:31,560 Speaker 2: parents need from you might be different than a solution 348 00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:37,840 Speaker 2: or a quote quote unquote fix, But you are scared 349 00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:42,640 Speaker 2: shitless to move away from the fix because you are 350 00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:46,440 Speaker 2: very frightened about the situation that your parents are in 351 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:50,239 Speaker 2: the emotional impact it's going to have on you, and 352 00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:56,840 Speaker 2: if something terrible happens, your fear is that you'll feel 353 00:22:56,920 --> 00:23:01,160 Speaker 2: responsible because you should have done something more tangible. 354 00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:06,200 Speaker 1: Yeah, that's very insightful. That is true. So I think 355 00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:09,919 Speaker 1: in the micro of the moment, like in the moment, 356 00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:15,720 Speaker 1: in the real you know, this is real time. I'm like, 357 00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:19,679 Speaker 1: I'm all about like I'm trying to be and I 358 00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:22,639 Speaker 1: think if people saw me doing my thing, they would go, 359 00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:26,280 Speaker 1: you're too hard on yourself. But I actually think I 360 00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:29,320 Speaker 1: just go about it the wrong way sometimes, and I'm 361 00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:33,160 Speaker 1: concerned with the macro of their life, the next however many, 362 00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:37,440 Speaker 1: however long the rest of their life is right, I'm 363 00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:42,960 Speaker 1: concerned for them about that. So I want to be practical, 364 00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:49,320 Speaker 1: But in the moment being practical for them where they're 365 00:23:49,359 --> 00:23:55,440 Speaker 1: at mentally and emotionally, it doesn't seem to be the thing, 366 00:23:55,760 --> 00:23:57,440 Speaker 1: you know, But then I don't want to. I don't 367 00:23:57,480 --> 00:23:59,480 Speaker 1: want to not talk about things that I think are 368 00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:03,280 Speaker 1: really going to be a problem for them. Yeah, so 369 00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:04,639 Speaker 1: I don't know for me. 370 00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:08,440 Speaker 2: Let's talk about let's talk about what's real for you. 371 00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:12,280 Speaker 2: I understand all of this is very important and you 372 00:24:12,359 --> 00:24:16,520 Speaker 2: need to think about that sure in the time you 373 00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:22,119 Speaker 2: have left with your parents. Yeah, what do you most 374 00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:25,080 Speaker 2: want in the relationship with them right now? 375 00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:32,480 Speaker 1: What I most want, which is not so much our relationship, 376 00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:41,359 Speaker 1: but I want them to feel safe and two not 377 00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:44,760 Speaker 1: be in any well this is impossible, but as much 378 00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:51,320 Speaker 1: as possible, not in any kind of pain. And I 379 00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:54,359 Speaker 1: you know my mum is if anyone hears this and 380 00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:56,800 Speaker 1: knows my mum or dad, please don't talk to them 381 00:24:56,840 --> 00:25:00,280 Speaker 1: about this. But you know, there's just a huge amount 382 00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:03,640 Speaker 1: of worry. My mum worries about everything, and I want it. 383 00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:06,080 Speaker 1: I can't, but I as best I can. I try 384 00:25:06,119 --> 00:25:09,159 Speaker 1: to alleviate all of that, which I can't do it, 385 00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:12,440 Speaker 1: but you know, sometimes I can make a small impact 386 00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:16,359 Speaker 1: and lift that load a little bit. But you know, 387 00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:22,080 Speaker 1: my you know, if somebody said to me, give us 388 00:25:22,119 --> 00:25:25,680 Speaker 1: all everything you own, if God came down and went, 389 00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:28,680 Speaker 1: I need all your stuff, everything you own, and I'll 390 00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:31,639 Speaker 1: give your parents one amazing year, I'm like, where do 391 00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:38,600 Speaker 1: I sign? Like zero seconds deliberation, where do I sign you? 392 00:25:39,240 --> 00:25:45,320 Speaker 2: You care enormously obviously about your parents and you don't 393 00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:52,200 Speaker 2: want them to suffer. What are we not talking about here? 394 00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:03,960 Speaker 1: I'm not sure what you're asking, but I'm not talking 395 00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:05,520 Speaker 1: about me or my feelings. 396 00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:10,760 Speaker 2: Yeah, here's what I'm asking. Yeah, we're talking about what 397 00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:15,440 Speaker 2: you want in the relationship, and you're talking about the 398 00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:18,800 Speaker 2: things that you don't want your parents to go through, 399 00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:25,000 Speaker 2: right as their son and their parents. 400 00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:26,919 Speaker 1: Yeah, what are. 401 00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:33,760 Speaker 2: You emotionally leading in this situation? From them? 402 00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:38,720 Speaker 1: Okay? One, I'm not sure, but I'll circle back to that. 403 00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:42,520 Speaker 1: But this might sound I don't know how it sounds. 404 00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:46,159 Speaker 1: But I do not care about my feelings or my 405 00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:49,720 Speaker 1: emotions in this Like I don't And people might go, oh, 406 00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:53,919 Speaker 1: that's bullshit. I don't. I do not care about like. 407 00:26:54,040 --> 00:26:56,040 Speaker 1: Do I feel for them and love them? Yes? But 408 00:26:56,080 --> 00:27:01,240 Speaker 1: do I care how this hacks? Well, I guess I 409 00:27:01,359 --> 00:27:03,760 Speaker 1: do at a level, but it's not front of mind. 410 00:27:04,359 --> 00:27:06,119 Speaker 1: I don't think how am I going to manage me 411 00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:08,800 Speaker 1: through this? I don't think what's the best for me 412 00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:13,080 Speaker 1: because it's not relevant in that. And I think I 413 00:27:13,119 --> 00:27:17,560 Speaker 1: have however long I have left, let's hope it's a while. Yeah, 414 00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:21,320 Speaker 1: but I don't think about that much. I actually don't know. 415 00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:29,360 Speaker 2: How you feel about what you need from this relationship. Yeah, 416 00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:31,160 Speaker 2: that's not front of mine. 417 00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:37,680 Speaker 1: No, I don't really need anything from them, No, I don't. 418 00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:43,200 Speaker 1: I mean other than you know, you know, there are 419 00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:48,120 Speaker 1: things over time that you you know, my childhood was different. 420 00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:52,199 Speaker 1: I guess, like everybody's childhood is different. But you know, 421 00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:54,640 Speaker 1: there's a few things. I won't say, nothing terrible, by 422 00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:57,159 Speaker 1: the way. Everyone there wasn't a horrible violent there was 423 00:27:57,200 --> 00:27:59,680 Speaker 1: none of that. It was just it was a different 424 00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:02,879 Speaker 1: childhood too, you know. And I know that because I 425 00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:05,960 Speaker 1: would go to my friend's houses and there was a 426 00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:09,040 Speaker 1: real lot of similarity and overlap between how other families 427 00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:13,000 Speaker 1: worked and our family worked. You know. So growing up 428 00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:16,240 Speaker 1: in my family, which is three me and two adults, 429 00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:19,880 Speaker 1: it often felt like I was hanging out with two 430 00:28:19,920 --> 00:28:23,680 Speaker 1: parents or two adults who were pretty cool, but we 431 00:28:23,720 --> 00:28:25,639 Speaker 1: all got on real well. It's like I was a 432 00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:28,640 Speaker 1: nephew staying in this house with two people who were 433 00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:32,920 Speaker 1: quite fond of me. But it was it was never a. 434 00:28:34,720 --> 00:28:35,119 Speaker 2: Yeah it was. 435 00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:40,200 Speaker 1: It was definitely not a bad childhood by any means, 436 00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:44,600 Speaker 1: and my parents were not bad parents on any level. 437 00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:47,760 Speaker 1: And I think about shut me off after this, But 438 00:28:48,640 --> 00:28:51,040 Speaker 1: like my dad was one of six boys growing up. 439 00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:53,760 Speaker 1: He was born in the first year of the Second 440 00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:56,680 Speaker 1: World War. I grew up in the Depression. And I 441 00:28:56,720 --> 00:28:59,400 Speaker 1: can't say too much, but let's just say that his 442 00:28:59,640 --> 00:29:05,560 Speaker 1: child good was My childhood was Hollywood compared to his, right, 443 00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:09,000 Speaker 1: So I keep that in mind. And my mom's mom 444 00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:11,640 Speaker 1: died giving birth to her, so she didn't have a mother, 445 00:29:12,280 --> 00:29:14,760 Speaker 1: and she was one of six kids, which was amid 446 00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:19,440 Speaker 1: a mix of biological siblings and you know, half brothers 447 00:29:19,440 --> 00:29:25,800 Speaker 1: and sisters, and so her childhood was really really difficult. 448 00:29:25,840 --> 00:29:30,160 Speaker 1: Also born at the same time. And so when I look, 449 00:29:30,360 --> 00:29:33,760 Speaker 1: I try to look at everything through their lens, and 450 00:29:34,760 --> 00:29:36,840 Speaker 1: what I come back to is, shut the fuck up, Craig. 451 00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:40,760 Speaker 1: Shut the fuck up. You were you lived in a 452 00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:44,440 Speaker 1: fucking Disney movie compared to your mom and dad. So yeah, 453 00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:46,360 Speaker 1: I feel at a lot. 454 00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:49,600 Speaker 2: Of admiration and respect and gratitude for how hord it 455 00:29:49,800 --> 00:29:54,000 Speaker 2: was for them, and in turn, relatively speaking, how great 456 00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:55,840 Speaker 2: of a job they did with you. 457 00:29:56,600 --> 00:30:00,320 Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, I try to look through with every with 458 00:30:00,360 --> 00:30:02,440 Speaker 1: my no, sorry, go on. 459 00:30:05,520 --> 00:30:08,600 Speaker 2: Let me ask you this first. What was the best 460 00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:12,240 Speaker 2: aspect of your relationship with your parents growing up? 461 00:30:12,880 --> 00:30:15,560 Speaker 1: Like, I just think we got on really well, like 462 00:30:16,320 --> 00:30:19,400 Speaker 1: I would not want There's a few things I could 463 00:30:19,440 --> 00:30:21,280 Speaker 1: say which would shine a light on stuff, but I 464 00:30:21,280 --> 00:30:23,320 Speaker 1: don't really want to because I'm just terrified that it 465 00:30:23,320 --> 00:30:29,080 Speaker 1: would get to mum and dad. But yeah, no, I 466 00:30:29,120 --> 00:30:32,200 Speaker 1: did not have an unhappy childhood, I'll say that. And 467 00:30:32,240 --> 00:30:34,200 Speaker 1: I lived with Ron and Mary, and we moved a lot, 468 00:30:34,240 --> 00:30:36,160 Speaker 1: and I went to I think eight schools, and so 469 00:30:36,280 --> 00:30:39,520 Speaker 1: there was a bit of that. But like even growing up, 470 00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:42,400 Speaker 1: I did not call the mum and Dad. I called 471 00:30:42,560 --> 00:30:46,280 Speaker 1: the Mary and Ron like my whole life, from when 472 00:30:46,280 --> 00:30:48,360 Speaker 1: I was four or five, and people used to laugh 473 00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:49,880 Speaker 1: and I used to not even know what they were 474 00:30:49,960 --> 00:30:52,920 Speaker 1: laughing at because I would call mom Mary and I 475 00:30:52,960 --> 00:30:57,200 Speaker 1: would call Dad Ron. And yeah, it was a very 476 00:30:59,040 --> 00:31:01,080 Speaker 1: like when you when you're in the middle of something 477 00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:03,760 Speaker 1: and you're four or five or ten or fifteen, and 478 00:31:03,760 --> 00:31:06,720 Speaker 1: that's all you've known. Well, that's normal. But as I 479 00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:11,760 Speaker 1: started to see, a reality is beyond my family, the 480 00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:14,480 Speaker 1: reality of other families, not better or worse, by the way, 481 00:31:15,160 --> 00:31:18,520 Speaker 1: I think my childhood was better than many childhoods, but 482 00:31:18,840 --> 00:31:24,240 Speaker 1: just different. So it was it's probably fair to say 483 00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:28,720 Speaker 1: that while we all got on, well, it wasn't you know, 484 00:31:28,840 --> 00:31:33,520 Speaker 1: some families are hugely huggy, touchy feely. That wasn't the case. 485 00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:36,800 Speaker 1: And I don't think that's you know, there's no judgment 486 00:31:36,800 --> 00:31:38,640 Speaker 1: in that. That's just what. 487 00:31:41,880 --> 00:31:46,600 Speaker 2: Your parents seemed to do the best they could one, 488 00:31:48,160 --> 00:31:48,360 Speaker 2: you know. 489 00:31:48,880 --> 00:31:55,280 Speaker 1: And they still are. They still are like and that's 490 00:31:55,320 --> 00:31:56,560 Speaker 1: the thing, like. 491 00:31:58,040 --> 00:31:59,920 Speaker 2: I won't stay with you, I must stay with you 492 00:32:00,080 --> 00:32:03,840 Speaker 2: for a second. Yeah. You know you've mentioned in this 493 00:32:03,920 --> 00:32:07,640 Speaker 2: conversation and other conversations that there was not a lot 494 00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:15,239 Speaker 2: of expression of emotion growing up, and you brought up 495 00:32:15,320 --> 00:32:18,880 Speaker 2: that you called them by their first names, you didn't 496 00:32:18,880 --> 00:32:21,960 Speaker 2: call them moment dad, Like, why why is that coming 497 00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:22,400 Speaker 2: up now? 498 00:32:23,720 --> 00:32:26,560 Speaker 1: Well, I was just trying to explain what it was like, 499 00:32:26,560 --> 00:32:30,680 Speaker 1: like the dynamics of my childhood. It wasn't It was different. 500 00:32:31,480 --> 00:32:34,000 Speaker 2: And you know you talk about like when you're going 501 00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:37,080 Speaker 2: through something, that's just the way things are, right, you know, 502 00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:40,680 Speaker 2: you're in something like you know, fish discover water last. 503 00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:44,560 Speaker 2: But now you know, as a grown up looking back, 504 00:32:47,160 --> 00:32:48,480 Speaker 2: what are your feelings on that? 505 00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:58,640 Speaker 1: Yeah, I always I always assume I tend to default 506 00:32:58,680 --> 00:33:02,400 Speaker 1: to Okay, there's a problem. It's me. I don't think 507 00:33:03,120 --> 00:33:06,200 Speaker 1: like even when we have issues, I go. I blame 508 00:33:06,280 --> 00:33:10,120 Speaker 1: myself because I didn't approach it the right way. I 509 00:33:10,120 --> 00:33:12,320 Speaker 1: didn't communicate the right way, I didn't deal with it 510 00:33:12,360 --> 00:33:16,800 Speaker 1: the right way. And I don't you know, I don't 511 00:33:16,880 --> 00:33:20,920 Speaker 1: think necessarily everything is one hundred percent me, of course, 512 00:33:21,040 --> 00:33:24,000 Speaker 1: but I kind of default to what did I do wrong? 513 00:33:24,080 --> 00:33:28,440 Speaker 1: What could I do better? And there's no self loathing 514 00:33:28,520 --> 00:33:32,320 Speaker 1: in that. I'm just very aware of. I guess so 515 00:33:32,360 --> 00:33:36,160 Speaker 1: many conversations I've had with people, and so many where 516 00:33:36,360 --> 00:33:39,760 Speaker 1: I've been witnessed to you know, a lot of and 517 00:33:39,800 --> 00:33:43,280 Speaker 1: I'm not saying mine was or is, but lots of 518 00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:54,400 Speaker 1: let's say, volatile, lumpy, bumpy family dynamics, right, and just 519 00:33:54,520 --> 00:34:00,360 Speaker 1: realize that very few people ever think they are the problem. 520 00:34:01,000 --> 00:34:02,680 Speaker 1: So like, if they have an issue with their parents, 521 00:34:02,680 --> 00:34:05,080 Speaker 1: their parents are this, And that they have an issue 522 00:34:05,080 --> 00:34:07,440 Speaker 1: with their brother their brothers this, Like nobody ever says, 523 00:34:07,920 --> 00:34:10,480 Speaker 1: me and my brother do not get along, here's this 524 00:34:11,080 --> 00:34:13,160 Speaker 1: or blah blah blah, and I'm the problem. You know, 525 00:34:13,239 --> 00:34:15,120 Speaker 1: I'm a prick, I'm so intolerant. 526 00:34:15,840 --> 00:34:17,680 Speaker 2: How how does this relate to you? 527 00:34:17,880 --> 00:34:24,760 Speaker 1: In now? Well, I just think that I I'm aware 528 00:34:24,880 --> 00:34:28,040 Speaker 1: that if there's an issue and this is across the 529 00:34:28,040 --> 00:34:32,640 Speaker 1: board with everything. Like you know, you and I have 530 00:34:32,719 --> 00:34:34,640 Speaker 1: known each other for a long time. We've had a 531 00:34:34,640 --> 00:34:37,120 Speaker 1: few not we've had no fights, but we've had a 532 00:34:37,120 --> 00:34:41,640 Speaker 1: few differences of opinion or moments in time. And in 533 00:34:41,680 --> 00:34:45,680 Speaker 1: the moment I probably thought you were the problem or 534 00:34:45,719 --> 00:34:47,240 Speaker 1: you were part of the big part of the problem. 535 00:34:47,239 --> 00:34:52,120 Speaker 1: But then in hindsight, I go, uh, probably I was 536 00:34:52,160 --> 00:34:54,040 Speaker 1: the problem or at least a big part of the 537 00:34:54,040 --> 00:34:57,520 Speaker 1: problem because I didn't navigate that the way that it 538 00:34:57,560 --> 00:35:01,160 Speaker 1: needed to be navigated. And so I always without throwing 539 00:35:01,200 --> 00:35:05,440 Speaker 1: myself under the bus, especially being the person who talks 540 00:35:05,480 --> 00:35:10,960 Speaker 1: about being able to be like self aware and situationally aware, 541 00:35:11,120 --> 00:35:16,320 Speaker 1: and I try to, you know, and we spoke about 542 00:35:16,320 --> 00:35:18,960 Speaker 1: objectivity before. Of course I can't be objective, but I 543 00:35:19,040 --> 00:35:22,520 Speaker 1: try to have an awareness bigger than me, and to 544 00:35:22,640 --> 00:35:27,080 Speaker 1: not blame anyone for anything, including myself, but just do 545 00:35:27,200 --> 00:35:28,400 Speaker 1: accept responsibility. 546 00:35:29,080 --> 00:35:34,319 Speaker 2: This conversation keeps going back to responsibility. You know, that 547 00:35:34,440 --> 00:35:39,040 Speaker 2: level of integrity, that self accountability, self awareness. These are 548 00:35:39,520 --> 00:35:43,440 Speaker 2: strengths of yours that continually show up in errors of 549 00:35:43,480 --> 00:35:47,040 Speaker 2: your life, and we keep going back to it here. 550 00:35:47,840 --> 00:35:50,839 Speaker 1: Let's see, where are. 551 00:35:50,719 --> 00:35:54,400 Speaker 2: You really being a good sign given all the things 552 00:35:54,440 --> 00:35:57,080 Speaker 2: that might be outside of your control you might not 553 00:35:57,120 --> 00:36:00,600 Speaker 2: have an answer for, or you may you might be 554 00:36:00,680 --> 00:36:04,160 Speaker 2: a little bit ambivalent around how you're approaching certain things. 555 00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:10,359 Speaker 2: Where do you feel you're being a particularly good son 556 00:36:11,040 --> 00:36:13,279 Speaker 2: to your parents right now? Yeah? 557 00:36:13,360 --> 00:36:19,600 Speaker 1: So I think I am like I am always available. 558 00:36:20,520 --> 00:36:23,920 Speaker 1: So as we record this again, everyone, if you know 559 00:36:24,000 --> 00:36:26,200 Speaker 1: my parents, please don't share this. But we're recording this 560 00:36:26,280 --> 00:36:32,480 Speaker 1: on a Thursday. So Yesterday, Wednesday, I had a full 561 00:36:32,600 --> 00:36:35,400 Speaker 1: day of work. I had podcasts, I had meetings, I 562 00:36:35,480 --> 00:36:39,160 Speaker 1: had papers to write and review or papers to I 563 00:36:39,200 --> 00:36:41,480 Speaker 1: had a full day. I had twelve hours of stuff 564 00:36:41,520 --> 00:36:44,880 Speaker 1: to do. And eleven am I got a phone call, going, 565 00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:49,000 Speaker 1: your mum's at the doctor and they are sending her 566 00:36:49,040 --> 00:36:53,080 Speaker 1: to hospital right now. She's got cardiac issues. She may 567 00:36:53,160 --> 00:36:56,520 Speaker 1: be having heading towards a heart attack or a stroke. 568 00:36:57,560 --> 00:37:02,560 Speaker 1: So this is eleven am. Eleven I'm in my car. 569 00:37:03,120 --> 00:37:06,600 Speaker 1: I'm driving the two hours. There's no I'm not thinking, 570 00:37:06,600 --> 00:37:08,520 Speaker 1: oh geez, I've got a big day. I'm like, fuck 571 00:37:08,600 --> 00:37:13,560 Speaker 1: the day, and I'm off right. So and I canceled 572 00:37:13,600 --> 00:37:16,080 Speaker 1: everything on the way up, and Melissa canceled things, and 573 00:37:16,840 --> 00:37:21,840 Speaker 1: and then I got home last night very late, and 574 00:37:23,440 --> 00:37:27,080 Speaker 1: she's okay, she's okay, she's she's there's a couple of issues, 575 00:37:27,080 --> 00:37:28,840 Speaker 1: but didn't have a stroke, didn't have a heart attack, 576 00:37:28,880 --> 00:37:32,439 Speaker 1: and she's you know, there are issues, but but now 577 00:37:32,480 --> 00:37:37,600 Speaker 1: she's fine. So I am always it doesn't matter how 578 00:37:37,640 --> 00:37:41,040 Speaker 1: inconvenient anything is. I'm always there. On a practical level, 579 00:37:41,080 --> 00:37:44,200 Speaker 1: I will always show up. I guess. 580 00:37:44,719 --> 00:37:48,000 Speaker 2: So where you are being a particularly a good sign 581 00:37:48,480 --> 00:37:50,680 Speaker 2: is you are prioritizing their needs. 582 00:37:50,960 --> 00:37:53,799 Speaker 1: And you will show up definitely. 583 00:37:56,640 --> 00:38:02,000 Speaker 2: You know, if we were having this conversation five years 584 00:38:02,000 --> 00:38:09,120 Speaker 2: from now, and everything with your parents in the moment 585 00:38:10,200 --> 00:38:14,240 Speaker 2: worked out in hindsight the way you felt it should, 586 00:38:14,520 --> 00:38:20,960 Speaker 2: and you felt deeply grateful, Yeah, tell me what happened, 587 00:38:21,719 --> 00:38:23,520 Speaker 2: Tell me what this whole thing looked like. 588 00:38:24,360 --> 00:38:33,120 Speaker 1: Right, Well, I guess you know, I don't want to 589 00:38:33,160 --> 00:38:40,799 Speaker 1: be trite, you know, I guess I did everything that 590 00:38:40,880 --> 00:38:50,640 Speaker 1: I could. I fucked up things, but you know I 591 00:38:52,440 --> 00:38:55,080 Speaker 1: did everything that I could to the best of my ability, 592 00:38:55,800 --> 00:39:03,799 Speaker 1: with the best intentions. And I don't have any regrets 593 00:39:04,160 --> 00:39:08,080 Speaker 1: that would be my ideal about what I did or 594 00:39:08,120 --> 00:39:10,280 Speaker 1: didn't do, or what I could or couldn't have done, 595 00:39:10,520 --> 00:39:19,480 Speaker 1: or Yeah, like I I'm very I'm not good at 596 00:39:19,520 --> 00:39:23,360 Speaker 1: seeing people that I love in pain. I'm fucking terrible 597 00:39:23,400 --> 00:39:27,400 Speaker 1: at it. And I know I can't solve everything, and 598 00:39:27,440 --> 00:39:29,480 Speaker 1: I don't want to solve everything. And I know I'm 599 00:39:29,520 --> 00:39:34,160 Speaker 1: not the fixer. I know that, but I'm really good 600 00:39:34,160 --> 00:39:39,880 Speaker 1: at playing that role, you know. So I guess in 601 00:39:40,040 --> 00:39:43,600 Speaker 1: five years, if I look back and things went well 602 00:39:43,800 --> 00:39:48,040 Speaker 1: or as you know, well as they could, that I'm 603 00:39:49,360 --> 00:39:54,880 Speaker 1: I don't have any guilt or self loathing or regret. 604 00:39:55,200 --> 00:39:57,160 Speaker 1: I guess that would be the ideal for me. 605 00:39:58,120 --> 00:40:02,200 Speaker 2: So as long as you know you everything you could, yes, 606 00:40:03,120 --> 00:40:10,040 Speaker 2: But the fear, yes, The emotion here is right, the 607 00:40:10,040 --> 00:40:15,480 Speaker 2: fact you're not sure how much you can do and 608 00:40:15,520 --> 00:40:16,280 Speaker 2: how much. 609 00:40:16,040 --> 00:40:21,799 Speaker 1: Of this is in your control, Yes, And I guess 610 00:40:22,040 --> 00:40:29,200 Speaker 1: part of it for me. I guess part of it 611 00:40:29,239 --> 00:40:34,320 Speaker 1: for me is letting go as well as doing everything 612 00:40:34,360 --> 00:40:37,640 Speaker 1: that I can. But also, at the same time, you know, 613 00:40:37,719 --> 00:40:40,840 Speaker 1: I like, I'm not trying to keep them alive for 614 00:40:40,880 --> 00:40:43,839 Speaker 1: twenty years, like if they're I don't want to put 615 00:40:43,920 --> 00:40:47,759 Speaker 1: numbers on it, right, but if it's a shortish time 616 00:40:47,880 --> 00:40:52,680 Speaker 1: or a longish time, I want them to be, like 617 00:40:52,719 --> 00:40:58,600 Speaker 1: I said before, as comfortable and as safe as they 618 00:40:58,640 --> 00:41:05,440 Speaker 1: can feel, but also I know that, you know, there 619 00:41:05,440 --> 00:41:07,239 Speaker 1: are things of course, there are a myriad of things 620 00:41:07,239 --> 00:41:13,000 Speaker 1: that I can't control or influence, and so I guess, uh, 621 00:41:13,239 --> 00:41:16,560 Speaker 1: maybe I invest too much energy in that, or maybe 622 00:41:16,960 --> 00:41:19,560 Speaker 1: maybe I I I don't know. 623 00:41:21,280 --> 00:41:23,720 Speaker 2: Too much, wait, hold on too much energy? 624 00:41:25,280 --> 00:41:32,000 Speaker 1: Yeah, like like like I know I can't make everything awesome, 625 00:41:32,320 --> 00:41:33,360 Speaker 1: but I kind of want to. 626 00:41:34,920 --> 00:41:35,839 Speaker 2: Yeah, I can't. 627 00:41:35,920 --> 00:41:38,560 Speaker 1: I can't. I can't make everything awesome. You know. 628 00:41:40,040 --> 00:41:47,600 Speaker 2: So if if you find yourself in a situation where 629 00:41:49,120 --> 00:41:52,760 Speaker 2: things are beyond your control to effects and there's nothing 630 00:41:53,200 --> 00:41:58,920 Speaker 2: you can do, mm hmm, who do you need to be? 631 00:42:01,080 --> 00:42:03,840 Speaker 2: For your parents? 632 00:42:05,880 --> 00:42:12,120 Speaker 1: As cheesy as it sounds, I just want them to 633 00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:19,320 Speaker 1: both feel seen and respected and loved. And I think 634 00:42:22,080 --> 00:42:26,880 Speaker 1: as some people get older, they feel like their life 635 00:42:27,160 --> 00:42:30,160 Speaker 1: and they're all of the things that make up their life, 636 00:42:31,080 --> 00:42:35,520 Speaker 1: you know, from taking care of themselves personally and money, 637 00:42:35,600 --> 00:42:40,160 Speaker 1: and they feel a bit like it's being hijacked by 638 00:42:41,719 --> 00:42:45,879 Speaker 1: you know, all the busy bodies. And there's a real 639 00:42:46,000 --> 00:42:54,359 Speaker 1: reluxed reluctance two to let other people help, sometimes even 640 00:42:54,440 --> 00:43:01,880 Speaker 1: great well meaning people. Yeah. And so sometimes if I 641 00:43:02,000 --> 00:43:05,440 Speaker 1: see them, you know, in a pattern or a behavior 642 00:43:05,560 --> 00:43:09,520 Speaker 1: or a state or whatever, which I think is I 643 00:43:09,600 --> 00:43:17,760 Speaker 1: think right by the way is not serving them. Maybe, 644 00:43:18,160 --> 00:43:20,239 Speaker 1: you know, it depends on what it is, I guess, 645 00:43:20,320 --> 00:43:22,200 Speaker 1: but I think there are times when I just need 646 00:43:22,239 --> 00:43:26,319 Speaker 1: to let that be rather than trying to intervene or 647 00:43:26,320 --> 00:43:29,520 Speaker 1: trying to fix or trying to solve or Yeah, I 648 00:43:29,560 --> 00:43:35,080 Speaker 1: don't know. It's I think to also, mister therapist, it's 649 00:43:38,120 --> 00:43:42,520 Speaker 1: like it's a myriad of intersecting things, isn't It's about emotions, 650 00:43:42,560 --> 00:43:46,320 Speaker 1: and it's about it's about practicality, and it's about history, 651 00:43:46,360 --> 00:43:51,920 Speaker 1: and it's about family dynamics, and it's yeah, and also 652 00:43:52,239 --> 00:43:55,759 Speaker 1: I guess, at the risk of what does this sound like, 653 00:43:56,480 --> 00:43:58,440 Speaker 1: I'm not even going to fucking qualify it. I'm just 654 00:43:58,440 --> 00:44:03,040 Speaker 1: going to say it is not wasting energy on things 655 00:44:03,080 --> 00:44:07,680 Speaker 1: that don't move the needle. And I think I probably 656 00:44:07,719 --> 00:44:10,120 Speaker 1: do that, not just with that, but with other things 657 00:44:10,160 --> 00:44:14,400 Speaker 1: as well. And I wouldn't say I'm particularly in general 658 00:44:14,800 --> 00:44:20,200 Speaker 1: a big worrier. You know, I sleep great, I'm very 659 00:44:20,239 --> 00:44:23,759 Speaker 1: grateful for my life. But with Mum and Dad, it's 660 00:44:23,800 --> 00:44:29,520 Speaker 1: probably the one thing that I would say I worry about, where. 661 00:44:29,320 --> 00:44:32,520 Speaker 2: Does your where does your attention need to be? Instead? 662 00:44:33,320 --> 00:44:34,040 Speaker 2: In relationship? 663 00:44:34,360 --> 00:44:43,640 Speaker 1: Dad in relation to them. Yeah, just on the things 664 00:44:43,640 --> 00:44:48,480 Speaker 1: that I guess I can influence, not control, but the 665 00:44:48,520 --> 00:44:51,279 Speaker 1: things that like what's in my control what's not And 666 00:44:51,360 --> 00:44:54,719 Speaker 1: I don't mean controlling them, but the things that I 667 00:44:54,760 --> 00:44:58,160 Speaker 1: can do and the things that I can influence, which 668 00:44:58,239 --> 00:45:02,439 Speaker 1: is going to be a positive for them? 669 00:45:03,400 --> 00:45:07,440 Speaker 2: What are those? What's the number one thing that you 670 00:45:07,520 --> 00:45:09,400 Speaker 2: can control? Right now? 671 00:45:16,040 --> 00:45:24,440 Speaker 1: I guess what I give attention to and then my actions. 672 00:45:24,960 --> 00:45:26,879 Speaker 1: You know, there's probably you. 673 00:45:26,840 --> 00:45:30,000 Speaker 2: Know and what is and what is that that doesn't 674 00:45:30,120 --> 00:45:34,839 Speaker 2: change no matter what happens. What can you give your 675 00:45:34,880 --> 00:45:40,000 Speaker 2: attention to that really matters regardless of what's going on. 676 00:45:44,600 --> 00:45:48,520 Speaker 1: I guess, like I'm trying to constantly figure out what 677 00:45:48,719 --> 00:45:52,680 Speaker 1: they need, not what I think they need. So there's 678 00:45:52,719 --> 00:45:55,640 Speaker 1: a there's a gap, you know, what they actually need 679 00:45:55,840 --> 00:46:00,319 Speaker 1: and what I think because you know, when you are uh, 680 00:46:00,760 --> 00:46:06,640 Speaker 1: when I am so, I am an inherent problem solver analyzer. 681 00:46:07,400 --> 00:46:09,880 Speaker 1: You know, let's break this down, da da da da, 682 00:46:10,080 --> 00:46:14,520 Speaker 1: And in some contexts and situations that's exactly what's needed. 683 00:46:15,920 --> 00:46:19,080 Speaker 1: And sometimes with Mum and dad depending on you know, 684 00:46:19,200 --> 00:46:21,880 Speaker 1: like they just sold their house, right, so there's stuff 685 00:46:21,920 --> 00:46:26,480 Speaker 1: around that where I really need to have conversations with 686 00:46:26,560 --> 00:46:32,799 Speaker 1: people and sometimes uncomfortable conversations with people, all of that, right, 687 00:46:32,800 --> 00:46:36,480 Speaker 1: But that's all just the practical external stuff. But in 688 00:46:36,600 --> 00:46:39,200 Speaker 1: terms of in terms of them, I feel like I'm 689 00:46:39,200 --> 00:46:42,239 Speaker 1: being repetitious. Apologies listeners. I don't know if this is 690 00:46:42,239 --> 00:46:47,759 Speaker 1: worth listening to, by the way, but anyway, I don't know. 691 00:46:47,920 --> 00:46:48,600 Speaker 1: I don't know, mate. 692 00:46:48,800 --> 00:46:55,439 Speaker 2: Well you said, you said that you talked about what 693 00:46:55,719 --> 00:46:59,360 Speaker 2: they need. What do you think they need? 694 00:46:59,480 --> 00:47:00,719 Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, right right? 695 00:47:01,880 --> 00:47:05,479 Speaker 2: What do they need most right now? 696 00:47:11,280 --> 00:47:16,120 Speaker 1: Uh? Sometimes I don't know. Are you talking about practically 697 00:47:16,239 --> 00:47:22,319 Speaker 1: or perhaps emotionally like all of it? Of all? Yeah, 698 00:47:22,680 --> 00:47:27,080 Speaker 1: So I think the main like what they need is 699 00:47:28,080 --> 00:47:30,040 Speaker 1: they need to know that I care, which they know. 700 00:47:31,239 --> 00:47:35,040 Speaker 1: They need to know that I will be there, you know, 701 00:47:35,360 --> 00:47:40,200 Speaker 1: as fast as humanly possible. Obviously if they live down 702 00:47:40,239 --> 00:47:46,360 Speaker 1: the road, that would be easier, but they don't. And 703 00:47:46,440 --> 00:47:51,880 Speaker 1: I think this is sounds weird, but they need respect, 704 00:47:52,920 --> 00:47:55,840 Speaker 1: you know, it's funny, especially my dad. My dad's very proud. 705 00:47:56,719 --> 00:48:00,319 Speaker 1: Don't get me wrong, everyone, I love my dad, but 706 00:48:01,080 --> 00:48:07,680 Speaker 1: you know, sometimes him and I clash, right, and he 707 00:48:07,680 --> 00:48:18,920 Speaker 1: he needs to be heard and respected and yeah, yeah, 708 00:48:19,000 --> 00:48:23,640 Speaker 1: and and to feel like what he's saying matters and 709 00:48:24,280 --> 00:48:26,520 Speaker 1: he's still in his mind very much the head of 710 00:48:26,560 --> 00:48:35,879 Speaker 1: the house, which is great, you know, and sometimes I yeah, 711 00:48:35,880 --> 00:48:37,600 Speaker 1: sometimes I probably don't do that. 712 00:48:37,680 --> 00:48:41,840 Speaker 2: Well, it's really hard you have you have a complex 713 00:48:41,960 --> 00:48:46,360 Speaker 2: relationship with dad. Yeah. 714 00:48:46,440 --> 00:48:52,560 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, it's it's interesting. I mean I am yeah, 715 00:48:52,840 --> 00:48:56,000 Speaker 1: like whenever you go through something new, I mean, this 716 00:48:56,160 --> 00:49:03,160 Speaker 1: is new and and I guess the funny thing is two, Like, 717 00:49:03,239 --> 00:49:05,440 Speaker 1: there's no set way to do this. If you were 718 00:49:05,440 --> 00:49:08,840 Speaker 1: talking to another guy or another girl going through something similar, 719 00:49:09,920 --> 00:49:12,360 Speaker 1: the issues and the challenges and the dynamics and the 720 00:49:13,000 --> 00:49:17,000 Speaker 1: solutions and the problems would be different or a version 721 00:49:17,000 --> 00:49:19,879 Speaker 1: of different, you know. So there is no three. 722 00:49:21,239 --> 00:49:22,799 Speaker 2: There's no right answer on this. 723 00:49:23,160 --> 00:49:23,680 Speaker 1: Yeah. 724 00:49:23,800 --> 00:49:27,560 Speaker 2: So as we're talking about this at this point in 725 00:49:27,600 --> 00:49:35,040 Speaker 2: the conversation, what if anything is clearer for you or 726 00:49:35,040 --> 00:49:36,440 Speaker 2: are you taking from this? 727 00:49:41,400 --> 00:49:46,719 Speaker 1: I think that I like, I like, I like the 728 00:49:46,719 --> 00:49:50,040 Speaker 1: way you're not solving any problems. I'll answer that, And 729 00:49:50,080 --> 00:49:52,480 Speaker 1: I like the way you're making me think and making 730 00:49:52,520 --> 00:49:58,080 Speaker 1: me or steering me towards a different perspective. But I think, 731 00:50:00,760 --> 00:50:04,520 Speaker 1: I think because I think about the situation and what's 732 00:50:04,560 --> 00:50:06,520 Speaker 1: going on in a certain way, and then you hear 733 00:50:06,680 --> 00:50:09,279 Speaker 1: my version of what's going on. But you're not in 734 00:50:09,320 --> 00:50:11,319 Speaker 1: my version and you're not in the reality of that. 735 00:50:11,719 --> 00:50:14,399 Speaker 1: But that is good for me because you can see 736 00:50:14,400 --> 00:50:19,319 Speaker 1: what I can't see. And I think for me, after this, 737 00:50:19,640 --> 00:50:27,279 Speaker 1: really I will reflect on how I frame everything and 738 00:50:29,960 --> 00:50:34,319 Speaker 1: the way that see. For me, there's a tendency to 739 00:50:34,400 --> 00:50:40,719 Speaker 1: overanalyze my behavior, right, but to reflect on my behavior 740 00:50:40,760 --> 00:50:43,560 Speaker 1: and reflect on even how I think about all of this, 741 00:50:43,880 --> 00:50:48,000 Speaker 1: because I think sometimes there's the problem and then there's 742 00:50:48,040 --> 00:50:50,640 Speaker 1: how I think, or there's not the problem, there's the situation, 743 00:50:50,920 --> 00:50:53,840 Speaker 1: and then there's my thinking about it all. And sometimes 744 00:50:53,880 --> 00:50:57,200 Speaker 1: my thinking about it all is thirty percent of the 745 00:50:57,200 --> 00:51:00,759 Speaker 1: problem or maybe seventy percent of the problem, you know. 746 00:51:00,840 --> 00:51:04,920 Speaker 1: So that's you know, almost that trying to see things 747 00:51:05,000 --> 00:51:06,440 Speaker 1: through a different lens. 748 00:51:07,560 --> 00:51:11,400 Speaker 2: You know, for men, you're going to be intentional about 749 00:51:11,640 --> 00:51:17,360 Speaker 2: stepping back and getting a broader perspective on what different 750 00:51:17,360 --> 00:51:20,239 Speaker 2: people need, what are all the variables, and try to 751 00:51:20,280 --> 00:51:25,239 Speaker 2: move out of you're thinking that you're caught in in 752 00:51:25,320 --> 00:51:26,960 Speaker 2: the moment. Yeah. 753 00:51:27,480 --> 00:51:31,200 Speaker 1: Also for me, I think and like I don't really 754 00:51:32,880 --> 00:51:36,920 Speaker 1: it's probably more than twenty years than a that I've 755 00:51:37,200 --> 00:51:41,000 Speaker 1: lost my shit as in, you know, got real angry 756 00:51:41,080 --> 00:51:42,880 Speaker 1: when people look like, oh my god, get out of 757 00:51:42,880 --> 00:51:45,879 Speaker 1: the way. I'd say it's least twenty years, twenty five 758 00:51:46,000 --> 00:51:48,279 Speaker 1: years maybe, And I didn't, and not that I was 759 00:51:48,320 --> 00:51:50,800 Speaker 1: particularly I was not at all a violent person or 760 00:51:51,600 --> 00:51:55,480 Speaker 1: a particularly angry person. But I do have that capacity 761 00:51:55,520 --> 00:51:57,960 Speaker 1: when I feel like someone that I love or something 762 00:51:59,040 --> 00:52:03,400 Speaker 1: that I love is being mistreated or threatened or exploited 763 00:52:03,520 --> 00:52:06,239 Speaker 1: or where i'm i'm, I can elevate, you know. And 764 00:52:06,280 --> 00:52:12,640 Speaker 1: I just think that there are times when I'm in 765 00:52:12,840 --> 00:52:17,440 Speaker 1: something to do with mom and Dad where my emotions 766 00:52:17,480 --> 00:52:21,320 Speaker 1: are running the show. I'm not you know, I'm not yelling. 767 00:52:21,360 --> 00:52:25,719 Speaker 1: I'm not, but it's like I don't I don't regulate 768 00:52:25,840 --> 00:52:31,200 Speaker 1: my emotions as well as I should, and obviously so 769 00:52:31,280 --> 00:52:33,799 Speaker 1: when my emotions are running the show or running a 770 00:52:33,800 --> 00:52:36,640 Speaker 1: big proportion of the show, you know, or as a 771 00:52:36,719 --> 00:52:40,319 Speaker 1: neuroscientist would say, kind of when my Amigdela hijack's my 772 00:52:40,400 --> 00:52:45,280 Speaker 1: prefrontal cortex, I'm not thinking, I'm not really thinking clearly 773 00:52:45,400 --> 00:52:47,799 Speaker 1: or communicating in a way which is the best way 774 00:52:47,840 --> 00:52:53,839 Speaker 1: to communicate. In this I'm kind of I'm i'm it's 775 00:52:53,880 --> 00:52:57,160 Speaker 1: more about me than them in that moment, although I 776 00:52:57,200 --> 00:52:59,239 Speaker 1: think it's about them, but it's actually about me and 777 00:52:59,280 --> 00:53:00,120 Speaker 1: my frustration. 778 00:53:01,320 --> 00:53:03,920 Speaker 2: Yeah, well that's that's a lot of self awareness, and 779 00:53:04,840 --> 00:53:08,960 Speaker 2: there's a lot there's a lot of emotion and pain 780 00:53:10,000 --> 00:53:10,560 Speaker 2: that you're a. 781 00:53:10,560 --> 00:53:14,719 Speaker 1: God because we need to we need we need to 782 00:53:14,719 --> 00:53:23,040 Speaker 1: wrap up. But one so love and appreciate you. But 783 00:53:23,320 --> 00:53:27,440 Speaker 1: I think not. But and like if you and I 784 00:53:27,480 --> 00:53:31,520 Speaker 1: know you're not the advice guy, and I know you're 785 00:53:31,520 --> 00:53:35,319 Speaker 1: not the problem solver or the answer giver, but what 786 00:53:35,360 --> 00:53:40,600 Speaker 1: would you as for for this, you know, a moment 787 00:53:40,640 --> 00:53:45,359 Speaker 1: in time that happens to be recorded. What would what 788 00:53:45,400 --> 00:53:49,120 Speaker 1: would your advice be for me? I'm not saying what's 789 00:53:49,160 --> 00:53:53,359 Speaker 1: the answer, I'm not saying what should I do? But hmm, 790 00:53:53,640 --> 00:53:56,319 Speaker 1: what what would you what do you suggest for me? 791 00:53:58,080 --> 00:54:05,120 Speaker 2: Well, just from what I intuitively feel that I'm observing, 792 00:54:07,520 --> 00:54:20,279 Speaker 2: I would I would ask what would be like, what 793 00:54:22,760 --> 00:54:26,239 Speaker 2: are the things that you need to look at a 794 00:54:26,280 --> 00:54:31,360 Speaker 2: little bit more carefully in terms of the emotional dynamic 795 00:54:32,040 --> 00:54:35,279 Speaker 2: of what you're going through, what you are needing. I 796 00:54:35,360 --> 00:54:39,279 Speaker 2: understand it's about your parents, and I understand you might 797 00:54:39,280 --> 00:54:41,920 Speaker 2: not have time or space to even think about that 798 00:54:42,160 --> 00:54:47,080 Speaker 2: because you know you need to just be there for them, Yeah, 799 00:54:47,360 --> 00:54:52,360 Speaker 2: but it would be it might fare a lot better 800 00:54:52,560 --> 00:54:59,480 Speaker 2: for you and for them, Yes, to think about this now, 801 00:55:01,040 --> 00:55:05,759 Speaker 2: what they need from the relationship as your parents, and 802 00:55:05,760 --> 00:55:11,160 Speaker 2: what you need from your parents as their son. Then 803 00:55:11,239 --> 00:55:14,640 Speaker 2: doing it later or wishing you had. 804 00:55:15,680 --> 00:55:25,839 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, mate, I appreciate you. Thank you for doing this. Yeah, 805 00:55:25,880 --> 00:55:35,359 Speaker 1: it's been uncomfortable but also kind of great. So thank 806 00:55:35,480 --> 00:55:37,919 Speaker 1: love you. Thanks mate, Love you too.