1
00:00:00,320 --> 00:00:02,040
Speaker 1: Because it's easy to say, oh, you've if people are

2
00:00:02,080 --> 00:00:04,960
Speaker 1: more vulnerable, but what does that actually mean? But otherwise

3
00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:06,640
Speaker 1: are kind of like feeling like you don't have enough

4
00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:09,119
Speaker 1: autonomy in your relationship but not actually been out to

5
00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:11,200
Speaker 1: say it, you know. So what you do is you

6
00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:13,920
Speaker 1: become a bit passive aggressive around it, or you feel

7
00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:16,599
Speaker 1: like you've been abandoned in the relationship or neglected in

8
00:00:16,640 --> 00:00:17,480
Speaker 1: the relationship.

9
00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:30,080
Speaker 2: Hello, and welcome to separate bathrooms. We would like to

10
00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:35,239
Speaker 2: acknowledge the Gadigor people of the eorination, the traditional custodians

11
00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:38,200
Speaker 2: of this land, and pay our respects to the elders,

12
00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:41,640
Speaker 2: both past and present. My name's Ali Dado.

13
00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:46,080
Speaker 3: I'm cam Dado, and you know that we are advocates

14
00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:49,839
Speaker 3: what longtime listeners will know that we are advocates of therapy,

15
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:55,200
Speaker 3: both individual and couples. Yep, we've benefited from that one

16
00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:58,040
Speaker 3: on one time that dedicated tim to where there's someone

17
00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:02,120
Speaker 3: in front of you with NOAHMO connection to you other

18
00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:03,960
Speaker 3: than just to assist you to get to the heart

19
00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:05,759
Speaker 3: of what you're wanting to heal.

20
00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:09,360
Speaker 2: Yeah, we do love our We do love our therapists,

21
00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:11,240
Speaker 2: the ones that have come in and that we've spoken

22
00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:13,480
Speaker 2: to as well as the ones that we've actually gone

23
00:01:14,280 --> 00:01:18,520
Speaker 2: and helped us with it as well. So we have

24
00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:21,440
Speaker 2: a couple, a married couple who are doing something very

25
00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:25,440
Speaker 2: new and innovative around therapy and psychology.

26
00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:32,080
Speaker 3: Sean Soreklei and Helen Robinson experienced clinical psychologists and couples

27
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:36,280
Speaker 3: therapists with over thirty four years of combined experience in

28
00:01:36,319 --> 00:01:40,240
Speaker 3: the public mental health sector and private practice. They are

29
00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:44,280
Speaker 3: married and together founders of Dremoyne Psychology, a successful private

30
00:01:44,319 --> 00:01:48,520
Speaker 3: psychology practice in Sydney where they've helped hundreds of couples

31
00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:50,160
Speaker 3: to improve their relationship.

32
00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:53,840
Speaker 2: And here's where it gets a little different. They're also

33
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:59,520
Speaker 2: the creators of Australia's first fully synchronized couple's coaching app,

34
00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:04,360
Speaker 2: My Love Your Love. They also have a book which

35
00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:06,480
Speaker 2: we're going to be chatting about as well, and that's

36
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:10,959
Speaker 2: called The Eight Love Links. Are you a little bit curious?

37
00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:13,800
Speaker 2: Well so are we. So let's welcome to the bathroom.

38
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:15,359
Speaker 2: Helen and Sean.

39
00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:20,880
Speaker 3: How are you guys?

40
00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:23,400
Speaker 1: Great, very happy to be here.

41
00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:25,800
Speaker 4: Yeah, we're super excited to be in the bathroom with you.

42
00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:27,240
Speaker 3: Do you do podcasts?

43
00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:28,840
Speaker 1: We ourselves?

44
00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:31,440
Speaker 3: Yeah, you've been guests on podcasts. Do you have your

45
00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:32,079
Speaker 3: own podcasts?

46
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:35,560
Speaker 4: We don't have our own podcasts, which apa with the idea. Yeah,

47
00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:37,840
Speaker 4: but we love going on other people's podcasts.

48
00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:40,240
Speaker 3: Excellent if you had one in a toilet before, not

49
00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:41,480
Speaker 3: in a toilet toilet.

50
00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:45,560
Speaker 1: I do like the idea of separate toilets though, that'd

51
00:02:45,639 --> 00:02:50,600
Speaker 1: be good. Yeah, even your own toilet, it's not separated conversation.

52
00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:54,400
Speaker 3: We've moved into a new home recently and our bathroom

53
00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:59,800
Speaker 3: off the master bedroom is like a cupboard. There's no window,

54
00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:02,840
Speaker 3: there's no ventilation in there. And we've come from a

55
00:03:02,919 --> 00:03:07,040
Speaker 3: house that had three bathrooms. One of them was an outhouse.

56
00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:14,320
Speaker 3: That was yeah, that was great. And now we've got

57
00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:16,919
Speaker 3: the two heads inside the house. One of them is

58
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:18,560
Speaker 3: in a little cupboard in the bedroom. So I'm kind

59
00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:21,280
Speaker 3: of deciding I think you can have that one, sweetheart.

60
00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:22,760
Speaker 3: I'll just I'll find.

61
00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:25,480
Speaker 4: Someone to separate bus separate toilets.

62
00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:27,919
Speaker 1: Yes, is a room to build an outhouse. We'll bring

63
00:03:27,919 --> 00:03:28,359
Speaker 1: them back.

64
00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:32,799
Speaker 3: House. But I've decided if I get up early enough,

65
00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:35,040
Speaker 3: I can go down to the surf beach and have

66
00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:37,520
Speaker 3: a swim and then use the sheds down there.

67
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:41,200
Speaker 2: And there is something, there is something about an outhouse,

68
00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:43,960
Speaker 2: isn't there that? This makes a lot of sense when

69
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:44,800
Speaker 2: you think about it.

70
00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:46,240
Speaker 3: What is that? What sense?

71
00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:49,960
Speaker 2: The sense of like you could have an outhouse ald

72
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:52,240
Speaker 2: to yourself if you if we had one.

73
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:53,280
Speaker 3: What kind of did in the other?

74
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:55,760
Speaker 1: Don't you think like in the old days, in the

75
00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:59,360
Speaker 1: old builds, the toilet was separated. Yes, there's a lot

76
00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:01,760
Speaker 1: of sense in that too. I don't want the stuff

77
00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:03,840
Speaker 1: that goes down the toilet mixing with the tooth.

78
00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:06,480
Speaker 4: Brush and and the bar, like having a nice relaxing

79
00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:07,680
Speaker 4: bar without.

80
00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:09,520
Speaker 2: A toilet, without a toilet in there, people running in

81
00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,720
Speaker 2: going can I get into those to use them?

82
00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:15,080
Speaker 3: I blame Hollywood. I blame Hollywood because it's that the

83
00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:16,360
Speaker 3: illusion of intimacy.

84
00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:17,919
Speaker 1: Yes, we bathe and.

85
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:22,240
Speaker 3: Crab and it's all together, aren't we. Aren't we great?

86
00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:25,400
Speaker 2: There's also stuffing about, like pouring with rain, and you've

87
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:29,240
Speaker 2: got to go to the outer house down and the

88
00:04:29,279 --> 00:04:30,400
Speaker 2: red back on the.

89
00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:35,160
Speaker 3: The red back. When I first moved to Sydney from Melbourne,

90
00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:38,039
Speaker 3: I was well, I was eighteen nineteen. But my first

91
00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:41,000
Speaker 3: home that I rented was at Whale Beach in Sydney,

92
00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:44,160
Speaker 3: and it was the Old Tracks Publishing House and It

93
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,240
Speaker 3: was right on Whale Beach and it was this gorgeous

94
00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:48,800
Speaker 3: old bungalow sort of thing, and out the back of

95
00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:51,520
Speaker 3: it had an outhouse, so you actually had to walk

96
00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:55,720
Speaker 3: out and into rainforest to get to this little dunny

97
00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:56,800
Speaker 3: that was sitting out there.

98
00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:57,920
Speaker 2: That was the only toilet.

99
00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:00,320
Speaker 3: That was the only toilet in the house, right, So

100
00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:02,479
Speaker 3: he'd sit out there and it'd be raining, as it

101
00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:05,520
Speaker 3: tended to do up on the northern beaches around them,

102
00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:08,040
Speaker 3: but you're in the rainforest and it literally was sweetheart.

103
00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:12,080
Speaker 3: There were slugs and spiders in there, but you'd leave

104
00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:16,160
Speaker 3: the door open and it'd be all these lonth of palms.

105
00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:19,920
Speaker 4: And right getting back to the yellow I don't know

106
00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:23,160
Speaker 4: how it'd been at you know, three am in the morning.

107
00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:26,080
Speaker 3: Well, see, that's when one of my brothers stayed and

108
00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:28,680
Speaker 3: I said, where did you go to the toilet last night?

109
00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,559
Speaker 3: Because it was raining, and he gets, I just opened

110
00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:33,159
Speaker 3: the front window and peede out the front. Wow, it

111
00:05:33,279 --> 00:05:34,919
Speaker 3: was great because the moon was on the water and

112
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,560
Speaker 3: I was watching the surf. But all the roses underneath

113
00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:38,039
Speaker 3: got killed.

114
00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:40,960
Speaker 2: So boys can do that a little bit.

115
00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:44,400
Speaker 3: Hey, welcome to the Bathroom.

116
00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:47,239
Speaker 2: Podcast, All Bathroom Chat.

117
00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:51,560
Speaker 3: We We begin usually by asking people how they met

118
00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:56,120
Speaker 3: and and you two, given what you do your psychologists' therapists,

119
00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:59,080
Speaker 3: how did you meet? How did that come about?

120
00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:02,560
Speaker 4: Well, we actually met at work, so we were both

121
00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:07,520
Speaker 4: working at Bankstown Community Mental Health Service and we'd seen

122
00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:11,000
Speaker 4: each other around, I think. But within about two three

123
00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:14,240
Speaker 4: weeks of me being there, unfortunately a new client of

124
00:06:14,279 --> 00:06:18,080
Speaker 4: mine passed away, which is hard enough to kind of

125
00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:21,200
Speaker 4: process as it is. And then I was just at

126
00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:24,320
Speaker 4: my desk and this tall, handsome man kind of comes

127
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:28,520
Speaker 4: up and kind of crouches he is, he kind of

128
00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:30,800
Speaker 4: crouches down next to my desk, looks me in the

129
00:06:30,839 --> 00:06:33,200
Speaker 4: eye and just I can't really remember what he said,

130
00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:37,039
Speaker 4: but he was just being super kind and validating around,

131
00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:41,040
Speaker 4: you know, having lost a client, and it was just

132
00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:44,800
Speaker 4: really heartfelt, and I was like, it was really nice.

133
00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:49,080
Speaker 4: But I was like, who is this guy? He's gorgeous

134
00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:51,279
Speaker 4: and he's got this beautiful god.

135
00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:53,960
Speaker 2: But that's how we met.

136
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:56,400
Speaker 4: That wasn't the beginning of our relationship.

137
00:06:56,839 --> 00:06:59,200
Speaker 1: I was single at the time, but Helen wasn't. And

138
00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:03,080
Speaker 1: then she was single yeah, and I was dating somebody

139
00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:04,640
Speaker 1: and then she was like, oh, by the way, I'm

140
00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:07,719
Speaker 1: single now. Just dropping it in. I'm like, oh, I'm not.

141
00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:11,600
Speaker 1: And then the time came in the stars aligne and

142
00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:13,960
Speaker 1: we're both single and like, oh, let's just hang out

143
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,520
Speaker 1: a little bit together and take it nice and slow

144
00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:17,160
Speaker 1: and casual.

145
00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,640
Speaker 2: We're still working at the same facility together. At that

146
00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:22,760
Speaker 2: point we were probably dating. Was that is that allowed?

147
00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:23,239
Speaker 3: Well?

148
00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:27,520
Speaker 4: Neither we were on separate teams and yeah, we weren't.

149
00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:29,040
Speaker 4: No one was each other's bosses.

150
00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:29,800
Speaker 2: Yeah, gotcha.

151
00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:34,120
Speaker 4: So yeah, power and balances were because side of things to.

152
00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:36,720
Speaker 1: Come though, because like we work in every aspect together

153
00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:37,760
Speaker 1: now still.

154
00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:41,160
Speaker 2: Right, No, that's things. So did you were you dating

155
00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:45,200
Speaker 2: and then dating married then opened your own business or

156
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:46,960
Speaker 2: how did that all come about? Because you've got your

157
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,440
Speaker 2: own and how long.

158
00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:49,960
Speaker 3: Ago was this?

159
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:53,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, so in twenty seven we've been together for eleven

160
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:56,680
Speaker 1: years and we got married in twenty seventeen, and I

161
00:07:56,680 --> 00:08:00,240
Speaker 1: think we opened our private practice in twenty seventeen. Also, okay,

162
00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:02,720
Speaker 1: so we're working privately in other practices and other like

163
00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:07,320
Speaker 1: psychology clinics. Yeah, and we just said, okay, I think

164
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,200
Speaker 1: it's time to do our own thing. And we actually

165
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:11,760
Speaker 1: started just a tool of us and we joke about

166
00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:13,800
Speaker 1: it now because we did everything. We did the admin,

167
00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:18,040
Speaker 1: we were the psychologists, yeah, every aspect, and today we've

168
00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:20,920
Speaker 1: got a team of like fourteen fifteen people. So like

169
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,560
Speaker 1: it's grown pretty quickly since then.

170
00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:28,840
Speaker 2: When you argue, like who does the therapy, we boys

171
00:08:28,880 --> 00:08:29,960
Speaker 2: do it.

172
00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:30,960
Speaker 4: Yeah.

173
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,160
Speaker 2: Do you ever say, do we just stuck therapizing me?

174
00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:37,880
Speaker 3: You know? Did you know the tricks? Right? Yeah?

175
00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:40,160
Speaker 1: I think what we know that The thing is we

176
00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:42,800
Speaker 1: know the tricks. So what we're good at is coming

177
00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:45,920
Speaker 1: back and repairing. Sure, but we can argue just as

178
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:48,160
Speaker 1: much as any other couple. Yeah, when you're walking around,

179
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:49,880
Speaker 1: you're walking away, you can't like, oh I don't want

180
00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:51,600
Speaker 1: to talk to them. The little voice in your head's

181
00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:54,160
Speaker 1: going yeah, you know that's not going to be helpful.

182
00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:57,079
Speaker 1: And this isn't about the you know, the angry sort

183
00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:59,040
Speaker 1: of comments that just went back and forth. There's something

184
00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:01,280
Speaker 1: vulnerable going on. If we need to go back and

185
00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:03,280
Speaker 1: reconnect and work it out, and we do. We come

186
00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:04,920
Speaker 1: together pretty quickly.

187
00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:08,559
Speaker 4: Absolutely, And it's always the idea that the relationships bigger

188
00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:12,720
Speaker 4: than this little argument. So we need to come back together,

189
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:17,240
Speaker 4: work out what just happened, validate each other, and then

190
00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:20,280
Speaker 4: we can we can go back to being friends again,

191
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:21,520
Speaker 4: which is way nicer.

192
00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:27,559
Speaker 3: Validate, validate each other. That's important.

193
00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:31,280
Speaker 4: Yeah, said that like a question.

194
00:09:31,679 --> 00:09:34,719
Speaker 3: Did you know we did to validate each other?

195
00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:37,640
Speaker 4: Ali, how validated I can?

196
00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:40,880
Speaker 2: Do you feel actually very doing it?

197
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:41,240
Speaker 1: Yeah?

198
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, you do? You do that lot?

199
00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:48,800
Speaker 3: I find Yeah, looks very in a bit of a

200
00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:50,560
Speaker 3: session now, but I'm not.

201
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:53,760
Speaker 2: Do you feel like I validate you?

202
00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:52,640
Speaker 1: Yea?

203
00:09:54,640 --> 00:10:00,560
Speaker 3: The voice shoulders are gone up. Yeah.

204
00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:00,840
Speaker 5: Yeah.

205
00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:03,120
Speaker 2: There's a thing around validation that's tricky.

206
00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:06,000
Speaker 3: Well, there is. There is. Validation for me is a

207
00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:12,480
Speaker 3: word that is a hot button loaded? A loaded Why

208
00:10:12,559 --> 00:10:16,360
Speaker 3: so because I needed a lot of it early on

209
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:19,880
Speaker 3: and I still there, so I dealt with that. I'm flushing,

210
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:23,719
Speaker 3: I can feel it. My body temperature is going up.

211
00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:29,080
Speaker 3: I can feel that. So I got through the big bits,

212
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:33,000
Speaker 3: you know, the big chunks of what is the validation

213
00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:37,320
Speaker 3: that I keep seeking, and then it became has become

214
00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:41,360
Speaker 3: more nuanced now, so I've got to pay attention to

215
00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:44,040
Speaker 3: the little bits, yeah, because they can grow and make

216
00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:44,880
Speaker 3: a big bit again.

217
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:48,920
Speaker 4: And that's not okay, that's so insightful though, like I think,

218
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,000
Speaker 4: and it is. It is like there's big things that

219
00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:54,600
Speaker 4: need validation, like how existence and who we are. But

220
00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:58,119
Speaker 4: then there's little nuances, like you say, that are particular

221
00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:00,480
Speaker 4: to each of us, so you know, we will have

222
00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:01,960
Speaker 4: our own little vulnerabilities.

223
00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:05,880
Speaker 1: Yeah. Absolutely, And I think to distinguish as well. Sometimes

224
00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:09,040
Speaker 1: we feel like we need approval to be worthy, which

225
00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:13,320
Speaker 1: is it's different to like validating each other's emotions and experiences.

226
00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:15,080
Speaker 3: That's the difference.

227
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:16,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think.

228
00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:16,960
Speaker 3: So that's good.

229
00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:21,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, So yeah, I know, Cameron, because I'm reading your

230
00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:23,240
Speaker 1: book at the moment, which I'm loving my book, Yeah,

231
00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:26,640
Speaker 1: keep it smooth. Yes, I picked it up just a

232
00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:28,520
Speaker 1: few days ago from Dimmicks in City, and I'm always

233
00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:30,800
Speaker 1: already one hundred pages into it, really enjoying it. But

234
00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:34,080
Speaker 1: I just was really kind of like touched by how

235
00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:37,320
Speaker 1: much vuldability and the anxiety that you went through, you know,

236
00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:39,400
Speaker 1: with the with the starter and stuff like that, and

237
00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:41,960
Speaker 1: having to face that time and time again. So like

238
00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:43,920
Speaker 1: I can connect with what you're saying there, I.

239
00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:50,320
Speaker 3: Think, yeah, absolutely know. It's actually the big chunks are

240
00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:52,240
Speaker 3: in the book and the little chunks are.

241
00:11:53,640 --> 00:12:05,000
Speaker 5: Good bookstalls, keeping it for you Two.

242
00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:08,440
Speaker 3: Is there a way of cutting through that language so

243
00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:12,439
Speaker 3: that you know it's really heartfelt? Is that part of it.

244
00:12:13,679 --> 00:12:16,360
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think like I think we've created a language.

245
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:21,199
Speaker 4: Like so we created our own kind of couples therapy program,

246
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:25,400
Speaker 4: if you will, for our clients, and we do it ourselves.

247
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:29,960
Speaker 4: So we created a language inside that program, and we

248
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:33,079
Speaker 4: do try and use that language. So it can when

249
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:37,880
Speaker 4: you start, it can feel a bit contrived or forced,

250
00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:41,840
Speaker 4: but with practice, and like a big chunk of the

251
00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:45,360
Speaker 4: work around validating and taking listening to each other and

252
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:48,559
Speaker 4: taking care of each other is in the body. Language

253
00:12:48,679 --> 00:12:53,080
Speaker 4: is in the tone, is in the presence. So the

254
00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:55,120
Speaker 4: language is important, but there's a lot more to that

255
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:55,600
Speaker 4: as well.

256
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:57,599
Speaker 1: Yeah, to introduce you to some of the language, and

257
00:12:57,679 --> 00:13:00,480
Speaker 1: that's okay, And this is like just something little, but

258
00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:03,280
Speaker 1: it's something big at the same time. So we talk

259
00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:06,680
Speaker 1: about what we call secondary conflict emotions, say anything from

260
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:09,800
Speaker 1: like the spectrum of frustration to rage, but also like

261
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:12,439
Speaker 1: disconnected kind of states where you've got to wall up

262
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:15,520
Speaker 1: and stuff like that, mission and submission. So we say

263
00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:19,760
Speaker 1: there's secondary conflict emotions. But underneath that for those two exist,

264
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:23,079
Speaker 1: there has to be invulnerable feeling. So if you've got anger,

265
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:26,440
Speaker 1: for example, inside that anger is the vulnerability and the

266
00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:28,439
Speaker 1: anger is not going to be there without the vulnerability.

267
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:31,880
Speaker 1: So if we have an argument and that, you know,

268
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:34,840
Speaker 1: it gets a bit feisty, we need to go back

269
00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:38,640
Speaker 1: and say to ourselves, Okay, I'm revved up now, or

270
00:13:38,679 --> 00:13:41,599
Speaker 1: my walls up, or I'm being defensive or whatever it

271
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:44,400
Speaker 1: might be, what's going on for me inside? What's the

272
00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:46,760
Speaker 1: vulnerability that's been activated? And then I need to try

273
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:49,240
Speaker 1: and think about hell and say what do I think

274
00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:51,400
Speaker 1: is going on for her? Because she's having a different

275
00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:54,559
Speaker 1: story with two different people, and often we're fighting over

276
00:13:54,679 --> 00:13:58,040
Speaker 1: surface stuff, and you know, then when those secondary conflict

277
00:13:58,040 --> 00:14:01,120
Speaker 1: emotions get in, once being defense, once trying to point

278
00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:03,559
Speaker 1: score that sort of thing, we're actually missing the core

279
00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:06,320
Speaker 1: of what's going on underneath. So just even having that

280
00:14:06,559 --> 00:14:09,440
Speaker 1: concept in mind, we need to come back and say

281
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:13,040
Speaker 1: what's going on? And our repairs amazing. When we first

282
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:16,480
Speaker 1: got together, we were not perfect. We us have big fights,

283
00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:19,800
Speaker 1: but now it's great, like it's and that's what you

284
00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:21,200
Speaker 1: want to do. You want to limit the amount of

285
00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:22,480
Speaker 1: time the conflicts been going.

286
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:27,720
Speaker 2: Do you feel like there is just one main theme

287
00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:31,240
Speaker 2: that couples really fight about. Is it just that we're

288
00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:34,960
Speaker 2: two people are just terrified of being vulnerable? Is that

289
00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:39,720
Speaker 2: or is it two people are not seeing each other's perspective, Like,

290
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:43,120
Speaker 2: is there an ongoing theme that seems to be at

291
00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:46,280
Speaker 2: the very root base of all arguments.

292
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:50,440
Speaker 4: I think I think it's very much like there is

293
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:53,720
Speaker 4: an avoidance of the invulnerable feelings. So, like you say,

294
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:56,360
Speaker 4: it is like a fear of being vulnerable. I think

295
00:14:56,360 --> 00:15:00,760
Speaker 4: there's also maybe we're not very good at finding vulnerability

296
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,920
Speaker 4: as well, and I think can this kind of you've

297
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:06,360
Speaker 4: worked hard to work out what your particular vulnerabilities are,

298
00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:09,080
Speaker 4: and then we can we know how to take care

299
00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:12,600
Speaker 4: of them. So I think everyone's vulnerabilities might be a

300
00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:16,520
Speaker 4: little bit different and it's scary to go there. So

301
00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:19,520
Speaker 4: there's a lot of secondary stuff that gets in the

302
00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:23,960
Speaker 4: way and creates further tension and conflict. So, like you know,

303
00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:28,680
Speaker 4: for someone like for me, it's like a sense of

304
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:33,520
Speaker 4: feeling non important or not included or something like that.

305
00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:36,280
Speaker 4: So that might be one of my particular vulnerabilities, but

306
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:40,120
Speaker 4: it will come out in a completely unrelated way. So

307
00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:43,120
Speaker 4: it's really about knowing what these are so that we

308
00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:45,920
Speaker 4: can take care of them individually, like for ourselves, but

309
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:49,240
Speaker 4: also so our partner can learn how to make sure

310
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:52,000
Speaker 4: that they're taking care of our particular vulnerabilities.

311
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:54,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think the vulnerabilities, as Helen's kind of really

312
00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:56,920
Speaker 1: alluding to that they are very different for different people,

313
00:15:56,920 --> 00:15:59,200
Speaker 1: because it's easy to say, oh, if people are more vulnerable,

314
00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:02,640
Speaker 1: but what is that actually mean, you know, with the

315
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:04,920
Speaker 1: hell and just use an example about herself, But otherwise

316
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:06,560
Speaker 1: are kind of like feeling like you don't have enough

317
00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:09,160
Speaker 1: autonomy in your relationship but not actually been able to

318
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:11,120
Speaker 1: say it, you know, So what you do is you

319
00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:13,880
Speaker 1: become a bit passive aggressive around it, or you feel

320
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:16,440
Speaker 1: like you're a bit abandoned in the relationship or neglected

321
00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:19,040
Speaker 1: in the relationship, you know, Or you feel like you

322
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:21,600
Speaker 1: don't have enough power in the relationship, or you feel

323
00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:23,800
Speaker 1: like you have too much power in a relationship and

324
00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:26,640
Speaker 1: the other person isn't doing anything. So there's so many

325
00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:31,600
Speaker 1: things we kind of say avoidance is the silent relationship killer,

326
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:34,760
Speaker 1: Like you can put it down to big life events,

327
00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:37,560
Speaker 1: but they're often the things that push the relationship over

328
00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:40,160
Speaker 1: the edge. But we avoid talking about the vulnerabilities.

329
00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:52,920
Speaker 3: In the book, do you speak or give examples? It

330
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:57,880
Speaker 3: often helps me help through my journey with therapy. To

331
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:01,120
Speaker 3: I would say to the therapist. I don't even know.

332
00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:05,040
Speaker 3: I don't know how to articulate this. I don't know

333
00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:08,240
Speaker 3: what words to use. I need help, I need a script.

334
00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:12,080
Speaker 3: And then once I have got script, I was like, oh, okay,

335
00:17:12,119 --> 00:17:15,480
Speaker 3: now I can evolve that script and turn that into

336
00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:19,240
Speaker 3: my own words. Are you doing that too? Giving help

337
00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:23,879
Speaker 3: to people to give them words and make them their own.

338
00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:27,320
Speaker 4: Absolutely, And I think that's really important because we're not

339
00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:31,240
Speaker 4: We're trained in so many things as children and adolescents

340
00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:35,800
Speaker 4: and adults, but we're not trained in emotional awareness and expression.

341
00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:41,320
Speaker 4: So even emotion words like how are you feeling right now?

342
00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:43,320
Speaker 4: A lot of people say they go, I don't know,

343
00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:47,240
Speaker 4: and so yeah. So throughout the book, throughout each of

344
00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:49,880
Speaker 4: the kind of links that we talk about, there's eight,

345
00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:53,320
Speaker 4: Each one will have different kind of step by step

346
00:17:53,359 --> 00:17:56,240
Speaker 4: guides of how do we do this. So, for instance,

347
00:17:56,240 --> 00:18:00,520
Speaker 4: there's big emotion lists to use, so when we're kind

348
00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:04,240
Speaker 4: of feeling each other's story and feeding back the validation

349
00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:07,359
Speaker 4: piece of I'm hearing this and you're feeling this, and

350
00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:10,280
Speaker 4: so we provide those kind of step by step guides

351
00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:14,560
Speaker 4: and the lists, and we also provide a list of

352
00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:17,959
Speaker 4: those vulnerabilities that we've been talking about, so so that

353
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:20,200
Speaker 4: you can be like, oh, that sounds like that sounds

354
00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:23,560
Speaker 4: like me, So it's already kind of the hard work's done.

355
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:26,000
Speaker 4: You can just pick which of those vulnerabilities.

356
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:28,120
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think when we created the eight Love lengths

357
00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:29,800
Speaker 1: a point of difference we wanted to make. I think

358
00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:33,160
Speaker 1: when it comes to sort of relationship books, you get

359
00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:35,040
Speaker 1: some that are like, you know, they can be really

360
00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:37,760
Speaker 1: practical but quite dry, and you get some that are

361
00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:40,320
Speaker 1: really kind of like insightful, but they're not practical in

362
00:18:40,359 --> 00:18:44,199
Speaker 1: application at all. You know, we're talking about vulnerabilities and

363
00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:46,760
Speaker 1: conflict emotions now, but that really only covers probably a

364
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:49,280
Speaker 1: couple of the links. So in each of the eight

365
00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:52,879
Speaker 1: Love Links, there's always there's a practical guide and like

366
00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:56,320
Speaker 1: self inside exercises that you do throughout it, you can

367
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:59,240
Speaker 1: totally read it yourself. It's for anybody in a relationship,

368
00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:01,760
Speaker 1: but we kind of saying the beginning, if your partner's

369
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:04,800
Speaker 1: into it, definitely like read a chapter each, come back

370
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:08,320
Speaker 1: and ask each other their specifically, because even like things

371
00:19:08,359 --> 00:19:10,639
Speaker 1: like quality time people, Oh you've got to spend quality

372
00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:12,440
Speaker 1: time together, but like how do you do it?

373
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:15,359
Speaker 3: You know what it is We're going to say, what

374
00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:17,639
Speaker 3: is the definition of quality time? Because you get a

375
00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:19,320
Speaker 3: lot of people going, oh, we need to spend some

376
00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:23,600
Speaker 3: quality time. Put it in and it becomes this whole

377
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:25,720
Speaker 3: food through thing and you stare at each other and

378
00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:29,399
Speaker 3: you're going, so, what is quality time to you, guys?

379
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:31,679
Speaker 3: Because I know the definition changes between people.

380
00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:35,119
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think there's a couple of different elements to

381
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:37,359
Speaker 1: quality time. So we kind of like I for us

382
00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:40,320
Speaker 1: to break it up. One is about knowing the inner

383
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,360
Speaker 1: world of your partner and checking in on the inner

384
00:19:42,359 --> 00:19:44,680
Speaker 1: world of your partner. We do this in a really

385
00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:46,399
Speaker 1: practical way in a sense, we're like, we have a

386
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,840
Speaker 1: big list of questions that you can ask about your

387
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:52,919
Speaker 1: partner's past, about the president, about the future, about their

388
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:57,320
Speaker 1: childhood impacts, about their hopes, their dreams and desires. So

389
00:19:57,560 --> 00:20:00,639
Speaker 1: it's developing a habit of checking in on partners in

390
00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:02,720
Speaker 1: the world. But as I said, we give the questions

391
00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:03,520
Speaker 1: to make it easier.

392
00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:03,880
Speaker 3: Great.

393
00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:07,840
Speaker 1: The other part is very much related to continuing to

394
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:12,439
Speaker 1: grow as an individual within the couple. Okay, so we

395
00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:15,760
Speaker 1: as a couple learn and grow as individuals, and there's

396
00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:19,080
Speaker 1: a term called self expansion. So like, for example, when

397
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:22,119
Speaker 1: you first meet your partner, you grow because they're different

398
00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:24,840
Speaker 1: to you. They have a different kind of like family culture,

399
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:27,439
Speaker 1: might have a different education or upbringing. You continue to

400
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:30,679
Speaker 1: expand through knowing them, but then that runs dry. So

401
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:32,679
Speaker 1: part of the quality time is working out what do

402
00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:35,560
Speaker 1: you have in terms of your joint values and what

403
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:38,920
Speaker 1: can we do in these these spears together to continue

404
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:40,080
Speaker 1: to grow and have adventure.

405
00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:44,280
Speaker 3: What are you thinking?

406
00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:47,040
Speaker 2: Oh no, no, I think that's awesome. I was thinking.

407
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:49,320
Speaker 2: I know we've we've talked a lot about the Gotman

408
00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:54,199
Speaker 2: Institute and you know there they talk about, you know,

409
00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:57,080
Speaker 2: doing the weekly check in, which is very much what

410
00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:59,640
Speaker 2: you're talking about, you know, sitting down on a Sunday

411
00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:03,480
Speaker 2: or ever and just creating time to go. How is

412
00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:06,240
Speaker 2: you weak? You know what? What is there more needs

413
00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:08,520
Speaker 2: that you have? You know how you're feeling about this?

414
00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:12,040
Speaker 2: And and I mean we've you know, it's it's again,

415
00:21:12,119 --> 00:21:16,040
Speaker 2: it's that feeling of that your partner just cares about

416
00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:19,240
Speaker 2: your inner world. Really, that's really what you're talking about,

417
00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:21,720
Speaker 2: isn't it. That It's like that's it's not about like

418
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:25,200
Speaker 2: a you know, there's the external things of like I

419
00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:27,760
Speaker 2: put gas in your car fuel and your car for you,

420
00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:29,880
Speaker 2: and you know, little things that are lovely make a difference.

421
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:32,639
Speaker 2: But yeah, for me, it's it's always been that. You know,

422
00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:36,359
Speaker 2: what's how you're feeling about this? Now what's changed for you?

423
00:21:36,359 --> 00:21:39,119
Speaker 2: You know, all of those things are just that they're

424
00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:42,080
Speaker 2: the they're the links for me that are always make

425
00:21:42,119 --> 00:21:43,240
Speaker 2: the biggest difference.

426
00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:47,160
Speaker 1: Yeah. So our third love link is called magic moments.

427
00:21:47,359 --> 00:21:49,320
Speaker 1: And like the good thing about the eight love links too,

428
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:51,639
Speaker 1: is we're distilled all the research, so we reference the

429
00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:54,439
Speaker 1: goopments in there, and the golopments talk about the couples

430
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:58,399
Speaker 1: who are successful constantly turned towards each other for bids

431
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:01,920
Speaker 1: of connection. So we talk about we break that down

432
00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:05,360
Speaker 1: a bit and say, well, how come they do it? Okay?

433
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:06,840
Speaker 1: And the reason they do it is because they're in

434
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:09,800
Speaker 1: a habit of doing it. And so one of our

435
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:12,760
Speaker 1: lumblings is called magic moments, and it's essentially how the

436
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:15,840
Speaker 1: small moments matter the most in your relationship. And it

437
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:19,320
Speaker 1: could just be like a kiss goodbye, but it's heartfelt,

438
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:20,760
Speaker 1: or it could be like let me make you a

439
00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:22,920
Speaker 1: cup of tea, but it's heartfelt. It's this constant look

440
00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:24,920
Speaker 1: looking to connect each day.

441
00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:28,199
Speaker 4: What do you guys do for each other. What kind

442
00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:29,159
Speaker 4: of little matments.

443
00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:33,800
Speaker 3: One thing I didn't do yesterday after I soa our's

444
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:39,480
Speaker 3: car is one of the things that I do like

445
00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:41,520
Speaker 3: to take care of. It also drives me nuts because

446
00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:45,400
Speaker 3: she's not very she's she'll leave papers and stuff in.

447
00:22:45,359 --> 00:22:46,320
Speaker 4: That I can relate to them.

448
00:22:46,400 --> 00:22:48,120
Speaker 3: That's okay, it's a bit of a mess.

449
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:50,320
Speaker 2: It's needed to take me from here to there.

450
00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:53,400
Speaker 3: She's okay. However, we've got a problem with the inflation

451
00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:55,679
Speaker 3: of the tires at the moment. I did pump your

452
00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:57,880
Speaker 3: tires up the other day. I just I just impressed

453
00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:02,240
Speaker 3: the button to connected, but they are pumped up. It's

454
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:07,200
Speaker 3: the back right one that's the problem. Anyway, it's cups

455
00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:11,480
Speaker 3: of tea. It's again, and it's just I don't know,

456
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:14,359
Speaker 3: it's just checking in we as you know, we just

457
00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:18,879
Speaker 3: before we started recording. We've just moved to a new house.

458
00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:20,720
Speaker 3: So it's for me.

459
00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:21,439
Speaker 5: It was all.

460
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:24,920
Speaker 3: It's about making sure that the nest is feathered and

461
00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:28,800
Speaker 3: getting getting those little things done. So like yesterday was

462
00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:31,200
Speaker 3: a day of minutia, like making sure that the shells

463
00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:33,560
Speaker 3: were made in her office so she could put all

464
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:38,320
Speaker 3: the stuff away. And that's yeah, that's making her. But

465
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:41,320
Speaker 3: it's those things, you know, So also that you make

466
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:43,639
Speaker 3: sure that the fence is fixed, that the dog doesn't escape,

467
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:45,960
Speaker 3: so that when I go play golf and our wants

468
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:48,000
Speaker 3: to go for a walk, she's not gonna be worried

469
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:51,520
Speaker 3: about the dock. But I mean, that's that's how I

470
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:54,120
Speaker 3: do it. I just kind of have that that thing going.

471
00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:57,359
Speaker 3: I want to make life as simple as possible. I

472
00:23:57,480 --> 00:23:59,440
Speaker 3: think that's so she could focus on what she wants

473
00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:01,760
Speaker 3: to do. That's one of the keys to a good relationship. Though.

474
00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:03,399
Speaker 1: I think what you're saying there camera is you've got

475
00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:04,680
Speaker 1: Ali in your mind.

476
00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:06,800
Speaker 3: That's definitely when you're.

477
00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:08,880
Speaker 1: Going through your day or your life, you go, how

478
00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:11,080
Speaker 1: is this going to help or hinder?

479
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:11,600
Speaker 3: You know?

480
00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:12,800
Speaker 1: And I think that's.

481
00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:15,639
Speaker 2: Huge and because I know, I mean we've been together

482
00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:20,320
Speaker 2: for thirty four years, so I know, you know, as

483
00:24:20,359 --> 00:24:24,159
Speaker 2: we mentioned earlier, validation is a huge part of what

484
00:24:24,359 --> 00:24:28,480
Speaker 2: Cam needs. So for me, it's like making sure I

485
00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:31,679
Speaker 2: thank him for thank you so much for doing those shelves,

486
00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:34,480
Speaker 2: thank you for moving us, thank you for doing like that,

487
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:37,520
Speaker 2: and I have to make sure I like really look

488
00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:37,880
Speaker 2: at him.

489
00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:39,440
Speaker 4: That's true.

490
00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:45,320
Speaker 3: Yeah, it means so much outside no, I want to

491
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:48,800
Speaker 3: do a proper cheer. Yeah, it's I want to Yeah.

492
00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:52,160
Speaker 3: I mean it's a great word, isn't it? Connection? Absolutely,

493
00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:56,000
Speaker 3: because disconnection is just as important in terms of how

494
00:24:56,320 --> 00:25:01,520
Speaker 3: how that can just make someone feel absolute crap. If

495
00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:03,359
Speaker 3: I feel like our said, if you don't feel like

496
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:06,160
Speaker 3: you don't matter, or you're not included to use your

497
00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:10,920
Speaker 3: word before, then it can really send you in a spiral.

498
00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:13,720
Speaker 1: You can feel very lonely in a relationship.

499
00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:16,920
Speaker 2: There's nothing worse than feeling lonely in a relationship. It's

500
00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:17,679
Speaker 2: just the worst.

501
00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:20,160
Speaker 3: Yeah, so that thing and make it like our makes dinner,

502
00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:22,600
Speaker 3: you know, six nights a week. I do it one.

503
00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:26,520
Speaker 3: I missed it last night because justad too much on

504
00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:29,840
Speaker 3: your movie. But Monday night was usually is my night

505
00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:33,840
Speaker 3: usually because she'll teach on Mondays. And missed it.

506
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:36,400
Speaker 1: But you know, I just got to do one day,

507
00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:40,760
Speaker 1: one get one night one.

508
00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:45,280
Speaker 2: Luckily I had a lasagna to throw in the oven.

509
00:25:45,359 --> 00:25:48,720
Speaker 4: It was easy that you pre made.

510
00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:51,480
Speaker 1: I'm guessing, oh yeah, she made.

511
00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:57,960
Speaker 2: Do you have a go to date night activity that

512
00:25:58,040 --> 00:26:00,800
Speaker 2: you both do that you just really helps you connect.

513
00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:04,640
Speaker 1: That's a great question. What's how we do a lot

514
00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:07,040
Speaker 1: like this? Isn't a date night, but we connect multiple

515
00:26:07,119 --> 00:26:09,480
Speaker 1: times during the week to walk our dog and go

516
00:26:09,640 --> 00:26:11,720
Speaker 1: for a coffee. Like that's one of our favorite things.

517
00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:14,800
Speaker 4: It probably is our walking. I think we because we

518
00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:18,080
Speaker 4: have a very needy dog as well, and so he

519
00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:21,000
Speaker 4: comes to most things with us. But yeah, so we

520
00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:25,359
Speaker 4: love walking, We love being in nature, and we really chat,

521
00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:27,920
Speaker 4: really connect, and we don't.

522
00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:30,320
Speaker 1: Mind going into the city and finding a nice restaurant.

523
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:32,400
Speaker 1: That's just having fun.

524
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:33,200
Speaker 3: You know.

525
00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:36,800
Speaker 1: One thing I love about Helen is she's she can

526
00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:38,600
Speaker 1: be very proper, but she can be a bit reckless

527
00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:41,560
Speaker 1: and spontaneous and fun too, And like we want to

528
00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:44,720
Speaker 1: tap into that. How our relationship used to be a

529
00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:47,480
Speaker 1: long time ago. Now there's a lot more responsibility.

530
00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:49,080
Speaker 3: What about karaoke? Do you ever do that?

531
00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:51,440
Speaker 4: Oh gosh, I'm probably the worst.

532
00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:54,240
Speaker 1: Helen only sings in private, you know. I've heard her

533
00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:56,160
Speaker 1: a couple of times when she thought I wasn't home.

534
00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:59,960
Speaker 4: That's about it, whereas Shan sings all the time, usually

535
00:27:00,119 --> 00:27:00,680
Speaker 4: about the dog.

536
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:04,400
Speaker 1: Right, And it's not because I have a good voice either.

537
00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:08,560
Speaker 3: Tell us about the app. This is this is really

538
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:12,160
Speaker 3: intriguing to us. I think it's really innovative and something

539
00:27:12,280 --> 00:27:15,160
Speaker 3: that people can really get behind and use.

540
00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:18,760
Speaker 2: It's called My Love, Your Love. And how long is

541
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:20,920
Speaker 2: it have you had it on the market force?

542
00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:22,800
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's been on the market for a few years now.

543
00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:23,240
Speaker 3: Yeah.

544
00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:26,960
Speaker 1: To be honest, it's been its best iteration in the

545
00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:29,080
Speaker 1: first like probably the first half of this year. What

546
00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:31,000
Speaker 1: I mean by that is we were kind of like,

547
00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:35,439
Speaker 1: we have a developer obviously, but it's totally self funded

548
00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:39,879
Speaker 1: and we've released it in Chucks and continually updated it.

549
00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:42,440
Speaker 1: So it's looking at a makeovers.

550
00:27:43,359 --> 00:27:45,080
Speaker 3: So this is a good time to be talking about it.

551
00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:45,960
Speaker 1: Absolutely.

552
00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:48,959
Speaker 2: That's what apps are four Like, you keep updating them,

553
00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:52,320
Speaker 2: don't you. You shift and it changes and yeah, yeah, yeah.

554
00:27:52,359 --> 00:27:56,560
Speaker 1: So the app is basically a couple's coaching app. So

555
00:27:57,359 --> 00:28:01,200
Speaker 1: there's a big focus on symptomology in the medical industry.

556
00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:02,600
Speaker 3: What's symptomology?

557
00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:06,040
Speaker 1: What I mean is like typically, especially the last fifty years,

558
00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:07,240
Speaker 1: we're getting to be better at it.

559
00:28:07,359 --> 00:28:07,520
Speaker 3: Now.

560
00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:10,119
Speaker 1: You go the doctor when there's a problem, and they

561
00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:13,280
Speaker 1: treat the problem. They don't treat the cause necessarily, Like,

562
00:28:13,359 --> 00:28:15,840
Speaker 1: for example, you go on medication for type two diabetes,

563
00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:17,960
Speaker 1: but if someone had told you a long time ago

564
00:28:18,119 --> 00:28:20,160
Speaker 1: to cut the sugar out eat a lot more veggies

565
00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:21,720
Speaker 1: into a lot more running. Not that I'm giving any

566
00:28:21,720 --> 00:28:23,400
Speaker 1: medical advice because I'm not a medical doctor.

567
00:28:23,520 --> 00:28:24,119
Speaker 3: It's an example.

568
00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:27,680
Speaker 1: So we wanted to create an app not just to

569
00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:33,040
Speaker 1: help couples who have relationship problems, but to actually say,

570
00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:39,000
Speaker 1: here is the blueprint to keep your relationship positive and

571
00:28:39,160 --> 00:28:42,600
Speaker 1: growing in a thriving nature across the lifespan. And the

572
00:28:42,640 --> 00:28:46,520
Speaker 1: app is huge, so you know, we sometimes see things

573
00:28:46,640 --> 00:28:50,320
Speaker 1: like we're talking about those questions, they're getting to know

574
00:28:50,400 --> 00:28:52,920
Speaker 1: new questions, Like we see apps that do that, but

575
00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:56,240
Speaker 1: ours does that. We have, you know, a ton of

576
00:28:56,280 --> 00:28:58,520
Speaker 1: those questions. But that is the tiniest fraction of the app.

577
00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:00,720
Speaker 1: There's like five or six cores. I say five or

578
00:29:00,760 --> 00:29:03,520
Speaker 1: six because there's five modules and one kind of hidden one,

579
00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:07,080
Speaker 1: and it covers all the realms. So for example, learning

580
00:29:07,120 --> 00:29:09,920
Speaker 1: how to listen and validate each other as a big one.

581
00:29:10,760 --> 00:29:14,600
Speaker 1: Has a whole module on conflict, which is giving you

582
00:29:14,680 --> 00:29:16,800
Speaker 1: all the different strategies like we've mentioned one of them,

583
00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:19,720
Speaker 1: you know, vulnerable feelings and secondary conflict emotions and learning

584
00:29:19,760 --> 00:29:22,200
Speaker 1: how to develop and apply that insight. Then we have

585
00:29:22,320 --> 00:29:26,160
Speaker 1: deep connections. We have a module called Baggage Claim which

586
00:29:26,240 --> 00:29:29,680
Speaker 1: helps you discover what am I bringing into the relationship,

587
00:29:30,480 --> 00:29:31,400
Speaker 1: where does it come from?

588
00:29:31,600 --> 00:29:31,880
Speaker 3: Family.

589
00:29:32,960 --> 00:29:36,200
Speaker 4: That's all your vulnerabilities that we're talking about. It's really

590
00:29:36,560 --> 00:29:40,120
Speaker 4: identifying them and knowing what yours are and what happens

591
00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:41,840
Speaker 4: when they kind of burst open.

592
00:29:41,720 --> 00:29:44,520
Speaker 1: In the relationship you do sex and desire. I've just

593
00:29:44,520 --> 00:29:45,160
Speaker 1: got to add that one.

594
00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:47,280
Speaker 2: Oh, and there's that. The last one, the last.

595
00:29:47,080 --> 00:29:48,640
Speaker 1: One, last link and last module.

596
00:29:48,880 --> 00:29:51,880
Speaker 2: Is it Do you need to have your partner have

597
00:29:52,080 --> 00:29:53,760
Speaker 2: download the app as well? Is it important that you

598
00:29:53,840 --> 00:29:55,360
Speaker 2: have the both of you doing it or can just

599
00:29:55,440 --> 00:29:55,960
Speaker 2: one person?

600
00:29:56,240 --> 00:29:59,840
Speaker 4: So with the app, both people, both partners need to

601
00:30:00,080 --> 00:30:02,000
Speaker 4: be doing the app at the same time, and we

602
00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:06,000
Speaker 4: did that to be really real and genuine with the product.

603
00:30:06,240 --> 00:30:10,320
Speaker 4: So what we find in couples therapies, if two people

604
00:30:10,400 --> 00:30:13,719
Speaker 4: are there and willing, then anything can happen. Magic can

605
00:30:13,800 --> 00:30:16,320
Speaker 4: really happen now, and so we created the app with

606
00:30:16,480 --> 00:30:19,800
Speaker 4: that in mind, that two people need to do it together.

607
00:30:20,000 --> 00:30:22,840
Speaker 4: So although it's on a screen, you're not on the

608
00:30:22,920 --> 00:30:25,280
Speaker 4: screen all the time. You're using it as a tool

609
00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:28,760
Speaker 4: to connect more and be in person or sometimes if

610
00:30:28,800 --> 00:30:32,920
Speaker 4: we're on long distance over zoom or something. But that's

611
00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:34,840
Speaker 4: part of the reason why we wrote the book is

612
00:30:34,960 --> 00:30:38,480
Speaker 4: because a lot of the feedback was, well, my partner's

613
00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:39,680
Speaker 4: not ready to do the app?

614
00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:40,320
Speaker 1: What do I do?

615
00:30:41,400 --> 00:30:44,560
Speaker 4: And I'm like, oh, good point. So, yeah, you just.

616
00:30:44,600 --> 00:30:47,640
Speaker 3: Answered my question. Yeah, is it possible for one person

617
00:30:48,160 --> 00:30:50,880
Speaker 3: to work on a relationship when the other one is

618
00:30:50,960 --> 00:30:53,360
Speaker 3: a little bit unwilling for whatever reason?

619
00:30:53,680 --> 00:30:57,720
Speaker 1: Yeah, the answer is definitely yes, and I'll explain that.

620
00:30:57,800 --> 00:30:59,520
Speaker 1: But yeah, going back to Helen's point, we always say

621
00:30:59,600 --> 00:31:02,240
Speaker 1: people can in the couple's therapy and say what's the

622
00:31:02,400 --> 00:31:05,320
Speaker 1: chances of this working? My response is always if both

623
00:31:05,360 --> 00:31:07,800
Speaker 1: people are willing to look at themselves and put effort

624
00:31:07,800 --> 00:31:11,720
Speaker 1: into a relationship, it's one hundred percent. But coming back

625
00:31:11,760 --> 00:31:15,440
Speaker 1: to your question, yes, absolutely, So we talk about in

626
00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:17,720
Speaker 1: the book how you're part of a relationship system. We

627
00:31:17,840 --> 00:31:19,240
Speaker 1: kind of like use the analogy of a yin and

628
00:31:19,280 --> 00:31:22,600
Speaker 1: a yang, and so the theory behind it is, and

629
00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:28,000
Speaker 1: this is based on systems theory psychology, okay, is when

630
00:31:28,120 --> 00:31:32,120
Speaker 1: you change the environment and the people within your system

631
00:31:32,160 --> 00:31:34,480
Speaker 1: and the world around you has to adjust to your change.

632
00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:39,960
Speaker 1: So you can totally look within yourself and make some

633
00:31:40,080 --> 00:31:43,479
Speaker 1: significant changes, and you can and that can breed very

634
00:31:43,560 --> 00:31:47,280
Speaker 1: beautifully into the relationship, whether or not you're the good

635
00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:50,560
Speaker 1: partner or the bad partner, that can have profound kind

636
00:31:50,600 --> 00:31:52,720
Speaker 1: of change, which is why we wanted to put the

637
00:31:52,760 --> 00:31:53,520
Speaker 1: book out as well.

638
00:31:54,840 --> 00:31:56,760
Speaker 2: What kind of feedback have you sort of had from

639
00:31:56,840 --> 00:31:58,960
Speaker 2: couples that have used the app? Have you found that

640
00:31:59,040 --> 00:32:01,600
Speaker 2: it's been really a huge help for them?

641
00:32:02,120 --> 00:32:02,719
Speaker 1: Absolutely?

642
00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:03,000
Speaker 3: Yeah.

643
00:32:03,080 --> 00:32:05,640
Speaker 1: So the people who it's like couples therapy and I

644
00:32:05,800 --> 00:32:07,520
Speaker 1: kind of like it. I'm going to be honest about this,

645
00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:13,040
Speaker 1: right if no, lie lie? So if you're used to

646
00:32:13,360 --> 00:32:17,680
Speaker 1: TikTok and reels on Instagram and being utterly entertained, and

647
00:32:17,760 --> 00:32:19,040
Speaker 1: you're like, I'm going to get this up. It's going

648
00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:19,760
Speaker 1: to be so much fun.

649
00:32:20,280 --> 00:32:23,320
Speaker 2: It's not like there's no gamification on it.

650
00:32:23,600 --> 00:32:27,280
Speaker 3: There is some gamification on it, like building out.

651
00:32:28,680 --> 00:32:29,880
Speaker 2: At the moment in the app.

652
00:32:30,080 --> 00:32:33,840
Speaker 3: So she's gamificating metophausefication.

653
00:32:34,720 --> 00:32:37,200
Speaker 1: So for example, when you do those little magic moments

654
00:32:37,280 --> 00:32:39,920
Speaker 1: or those little special things like we give you random

655
00:32:40,040 --> 00:32:42,680
Speaker 1: tasks to do which brought up and you get your

656
00:32:42,760 --> 00:32:45,000
Speaker 1: score accumulates and you can spy on each other's score

657
00:32:45,040 --> 00:32:46,600
Speaker 1: to see who's doing more and stuff like that.

658
00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:49,520
Speaker 2: I'm married to a very competitive.

659
00:32:49,240 --> 00:32:52,600
Speaker 4: Right there you go, right, every motivating you.

660
00:32:52,640 --> 00:32:53,800
Speaker 3: I'm very motivating.

661
00:32:53,880 --> 00:32:55,680
Speaker 1: Yeah, but we kind of liken it to going to

662
00:32:55,800 --> 00:32:58,240
Speaker 1: the gym. Sometimes you go to the gym and love it,

663
00:32:58,920 --> 00:33:01,480
Speaker 1: sometimes you don't, but whenever you do it, you feel

664
00:33:01,520 --> 00:33:06,200
Speaker 1: great afterwards. Right, and so whenever it's your relationships like

665
00:33:06,280 --> 00:33:09,320
Speaker 1: that too. There's so many distractions, but when you invest

666
00:33:09,400 --> 00:33:12,560
Speaker 1: in it, the rewards are great, and you know there's

667
00:33:12,560 --> 00:33:14,120
Speaker 1: a lot of mastery in it and there's a lot

668
00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:17,600
Speaker 1: of connection in it. So the app, the people who

669
00:33:17,720 --> 00:33:20,880
Speaker 1: use it will give us amazing feedback, but you've got

670
00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:22,960
Speaker 1: to be able to commit to it, just like anything else.

671
00:33:23,080 --> 00:33:25,920
Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, and who's the app for? Would you say?

672
00:33:27,280 --> 00:33:31,520
Speaker 4: I think it's really for like it takes a coaching aspect,

673
00:33:31,600 --> 00:33:34,640
Speaker 4: so it can be for anyone that's in a relationship.

674
00:33:34,720 --> 00:33:37,560
Speaker 4: So the app's definitely for people in relationships. It could

675
00:33:37,640 --> 00:33:39,760
Speaker 4: be if you're struggling a little bit and you don't

676
00:33:39,840 --> 00:33:42,320
Speaker 4: know where to start. Part of why we created and

677
00:33:42,400 --> 00:33:45,880
Speaker 4: app was also accessibility. So it's really hard to get

678
00:33:45,920 --> 00:33:50,840
Speaker 4: into a couple's therapists. It's very expensive and managing timetables

679
00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:54,440
Speaker 4: is very challenging. Two people's plus the therapist, So we

680
00:33:54,560 --> 00:33:57,520
Speaker 4: wanted to make something more affordable and accessible if you

681
00:33:57,600 --> 00:34:00,600
Speaker 4: don't have the privilege of getting into couples therapy. So

682
00:34:00,760 --> 00:34:03,040
Speaker 4: it could be for couples that are struggling, that don't

683
00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:07,120
Speaker 4: know where to go or can't go anywhere else, because

684
00:34:07,120 --> 00:34:10,000
Speaker 4: there are some really great tools. That's what we teach

685
00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:13,480
Speaker 4: those same tools in couples therapy. But it's also for

686
00:34:13,640 --> 00:34:17,600
Speaker 4: couples who want to just get the most, like squeeze

687
00:34:17,640 --> 00:34:20,279
Speaker 4: the most out of their relationship. Kind of unlock the

688
00:34:20,360 --> 00:34:22,600
Speaker 4: benefits of a long term relationship is what we like

689
00:34:22,719 --> 00:34:23,840
Speaker 4: to call it.

690
00:34:24,200 --> 00:34:26,440
Speaker 1: That's what we're all about. We really we don't want

691
00:34:26,480 --> 00:34:29,480
Speaker 1: to fix problems. I mean we want to untie those

692
00:34:29,480 --> 00:34:31,960
Speaker 1: it's not sure, but we want actually people to get

693
00:34:31,960 --> 00:34:34,480
Speaker 1: all the benefits of a long lasting relationship. And all

694
00:34:34,520 --> 00:34:38,080
Speaker 1: the evidence and research shows your mental health in a

695
00:34:38,160 --> 00:34:41,399
Speaker 1: really good relationship, is it fantastic. Yes, In a really

696
00:34:41,520 --> 00:34:42,960
Speaker 1: bad relationship, it's horrible.

697
00:34:43,239 --> 00:34:45,560
Speaker 2: Well, I know that for myself, even when we're fighting,

698
00:34:45,640 --> 00:34:48,759
Speaker 2: I just it's just I feel shitty about everything, Like

699
00:34:49,000 --> 00:34:52,480
Speaker 2: everything feels bad. It's all consuming, it is it is, so,

700
00:34:52,560 --> 00:34:54,719
Speaker 2: I mean, that's and that's just in a relationship that

701
00:34:55,000 --> 00:34:56,960
Speaker 2: you know, we've been together for a long time. But

702
00:34:57,080 --> 00:35:00,399
Speaker 2: even just when it's having its ebbs and flow is there.

703
00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:01,239
Speaker 2: It's not fun.

704
00:35:01,719 --> 00:35:05,520
Speaker 3: It isn't isn't the app for those listeners of those

705
00:35:05,719 --> 00:35:09,000
Speaker 3: walking the dog right now listening my love, your love.

706
00:35:09,120 --> 00:35:10,480
Speaker 3: So just put that in the back of your mind

707
00:35:10,520 --> 00:35:11,920
Speaker 3: while we continue our conversation.

708
00:35:12,200 --> 00:35:21,920
Speaker 2: Yeah, you work together, You've created an app together, you've

709
00:35:21,920 --> 00:35:24,840
Speaker 2: written a book together. What's the best thing that you

710
00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:27,239
Speaker 2: find about working with each other in this way?

711
00:35:28,280 --> 00:35:30,400
Speaker 4: Well maybe that's different for each of us, but I

712
00:35:30,520 --> 00:35:34,800
Speaker 4: think for me, I just really love having a partner

713
00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:38,120
Speaker 4: to do these big things because I think I grew

714
00:35:38,239 --> 00:35:41,400
Speaker 4: up not really expecting Like that sounds terrible what I

715
00:35:41,480 --> 00:35:43,600
Speaker 4: was going to say, not expecting much, but you know,

716
00:35:44,160 --> 00:35:48,080
Speaker 4: being successful in a career and so on. But I

717
00:35:48,200 --> 00:35:51,200
Speaker 4: think being in this relationship has really opened up this

718
00:35:51,360 --> 00:35:53,680
Speaker 4: idea that we can do some pretty wild things.

719
00:35:53,920 --> 00:35:54,080
Speaker 1: You know.

720
00:35:54,160 --> 00:35:56,160
Speaker 4: We can start an app when we don't know how

721
00:35:56,239 --> 00:35:59,759
Speaker 4: to do and make apps. Yeah, we can open practices

722
00:36:00,120 --> 00:36:03,200
Speaker 4: and expand and stuff. So I think that's what I

723
00:36:03,280 --> 00:36:05,839
Speaker 4: love the most about us working together. It's like an

724
00:36:05,920 --> 00:36:09,480
Speaker 4: added confidence boost, you know, we can work it through.

725
00:36:09,560 --> 00:36:11,479
Speaker 4: We can push the other one when the other one's

726
00:36:11,600 --> 00:36:13,760
Speaker 4: kind of down and going this is all too hard,

727
00:36:14,480 --> 00:36:16,440
Speaker 4: And I think we do that really well for each other.

728
00:36:16,800 --> 00:36:20,040
Speaker 4: We can kind of balance each other out and where

729
00:36:20,360 --> 00:36:24,000
Speaker 4: you know, I am really detail focused and Shun's like

730
00:36:24,120 --> 00:36:26,360
Speaker 4: the big ideas guys, So we really I think I

731
00:36:26,480 --> 00:36:29,239
Speaker 4: love that too. I'm always like, oh, I don't know

732
00:36:29,280 --> 00:36:31,560
Speaker 4: if that's going to work, but then I'm like, okay, fine,

733
00:36:31,640 --> 00:36:34,040
Speaker 4: let's do it and see and I'll help with the

734
00:36:34,120 --> 00:36:34,640
Speaker 4: nitty gritty.

735
00:36:34,760 --> 00:36:38,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure. Helen's a machine. And like what I've

736
00:36:38,440 --> 00:36:41,840
Speaker 1: just covered from Helen as well, Sorry babe, is you

737
00:36:41,960 --> 00:36:44,359
Speaker 1: can cry and still be the strongest person in the room.

738
00:36:45,080 --> 00:36:49,920
Speaker 1: Because she can get overwhelmed and cry. But the dedication

739
00:36:50,239 --> 00:36:52,800
Speaker 1: and the discipline when she all she has to do

740
00:36:52,880 --> 00:36:54,320
Speaker 1: is decide, Okay, this is a good idea, this is

741
00:36:54,360 --> 00:36:57,520
Speaker 1: what we're doing. The ability to turn up and keep

742
00:36:57,640 --> 00:37:01,960
Speaker 1: doing the work like she's second to like, I'm kind

743
00:37:02,000 --> 00:37:05,040
Speaker 1: of like it kind of empowers me or encourages me

744
00:37:05,120 --> 00:37:07,080
Speaker 1: to like or maybe out of kind of infe you're

745
00:37:07,080 --> 00:37:08,320
Speaker 1: getting in trouble, I'm like, Okay, I have to do

746
00:37:08,440 --> 00:37:11,000
Speaker 1: my bit. You get in there, make sure I'm keeping up.

747
00:37:11,160 --> 00:37:11,319
Speaker 3: Yeah.

748
00:37:12,120 --> 00:37:14,839
Speaker 1: But the other thing as well is kind of look,

749
00:37:14,840 --> 00:37:16,680
Speaker 1: I will talk. I will mention this because I read

750
00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:17,799
Speaker 1: it in your book. I thought it was really great

751
00:37:17,800 --> 00:37:19,440
Speaker 1: in the introduction about how you're in the pack of

752
00:37:19,480 --> 00:37:22,240
Speaker 1: swimmers and you can be in the middle and feel safe.

753
00:37:23,040 --> 00:37:25,359
Speaker 1: And when you write a book or when you create

754
00:37:25,400 --> 00:37:28,560
Speaker 1: an app, you know you're putting yourself out there and

755
00:37:28,760 --> 00:37:31,359
Speaker 1: you know it exposes you feel more vulnerable. More people

756
00:37:31,400 --> 00:37:34,160
Speaker 1: can have shots at you and stuff like that. And

757
00:37:34,360 --> 00:37:37,480
Speaker 1: being together means like you're not on the outside by

758
00:37:37,560 --> 00:37:40,720
Speaker 1: yourself no matter what, because the relationships could you've always

759
00:37:40,760 --> 00:37:42,759
Speaker 1: got each other and that's the most important thing. So

760
00:37:42,880 --> 00:37:44,200
Speaker 1: that's been a wonderful thing as well.

761
00:37:44,520 --> 00:37:47,840
Speaker 3: Yeah, of course it's interesting, isn't it. In order to

762
00:37:47,920 --> 00:37:50,320
Speaker 3: push out and grow, you really do need to do

763
00:37:50,400 --> 00:37:52,960
Speaker 3: it from the edge. You do it, and it's a

764
00:37:53,960 --> 00:37:55,000
Speaker 3: vulnerable place to be.

765
00:37:55,400 --> 00:37:57,239
Speaker 4: Absolutely, it feels so risky, doesn't it.

766
00:37:57,320 --> 00:37:57,640
Speaker 3: It does.

767
00:37:57,760 --> 00:38:01,120
Speaker 4: You're exposing yourself and is it's scary.

768
00:38:01,200 --> 00:38:02,920
Speaker 1: You're putting ideas down and there you're like, how is

769
00:38:02,960 --> 00:38:04,680
Speaker 1: this going to be? You see the people going to

770
00:38:04,920 --> 00:38:08,720
Speaker 1: like you know, and people can be like armchair warriors

771
00:38:08,760 --> 00:38:09,279
Speaker 1: and stuff like that.

772
00:38:10,200 --> 00:38:11,800
Speaker 4: I'm sure you have experienced.

773
00:38:13,120 --> 00:38:18,120
Speaker 3: My dad reminded me of that wonderful Roosevelt, eleanor eleanor Roosevelt.

774
00:38:18,200 --> 00:38:20,400
Speaker 3: The poem that she writes about the being in the

775
00:38:20,520 --> 00:38:24,239
Speaker 3: arena the man in the arena, because I just I

776
00:38:24,320 --> 00:38:26,360
Speaker 3: got raped on the on the front page of the

777
00:38:26,400 --> 00:38:30,279
Speaker 3: Sydney Morning Herald for over a play that I was doing.

778
00:38:30,840 --> 00:38:36,640
Speaker 3: That the reviewer actually used me as an example. It

779
00:38:36,760 --> 00:38:39,640
Speaker 3: wasn't even about me. It was really an example of

780
00:38:39,719 --> 00:38:42,799
Speaker 3: what Australian entertainment was. This is a number of years ago,

781
00:38:43,719 --> 00:38:47,759
Speaker 3: and it was it was so unfair. And I saw

782
00:38:47,840 --> 00:38:50,120
Speaker 3: it on a faery. I was on the ferry and

783
00:38:50,200 --> 00:38:53,279
Speaker 3: some guy was reading the thing and I meant, it

784
00:38:53,480 --> 00:38:58,719
Speaker 3: really cut me. But my dad actually said, cam, you're

785
00:38:58,760 --> 00:39:01,919
Speaker 3: in the arena absolutely doing it, you know. He said,

786
00:39:02,160 --> 00:39:04,959
Speaker 3: anyone who can tell you about anything is someone who's

787
00:39:04,960 --> 00:39:05,759
Speaker 3: in the arena with you.

788
00:39:05,920 --> 00:39:06,440
Speaker 4: Absolutely.

789
00:39:06,560 --> 00:39:09,080
Speaker 3: I love that great advice.

790
00:39:09,280 --> 00:39:11,320
Speaker 1: That's we always say to ourselves. We're not going to

791
00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:16,040
Speaker 1: die wondering, you know, and like you're going to put

792
00:39:16,080 --> 00:39:18,000
Speaker 1: yourself out there. It's going to be a bit more

793
00:39:18,080 --> 00:39:20,200
Speaker 1: risky and vulnerable, but you get to live the life

794
00:39:20,239 --> 00:39:23,160
Speaker 1: you want to live. And that's that's what we find rewarding, right,

795
00:39:23,280 --> 00:39:24,759
Speaker 1: Like we're living a life we want to live, and.

796
00:39:24,800 --> 00:39:27,319
Speaker 4: You get stronger that way as well, Like you kind

797
00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:30,400
Speaker 4: of go, I'm living not caring what people think so

798
00:39:30,560 --> 00:39:33,759
Speaker 4: much like I think so many humans are plagued with

799
00:39:33,880 --> 00:39:37,040
Speaker 4: this fear of how they're perceived from what people think

800
00:39:37,120 --> 00:39:40,640
Speaker 4: of them. We all are right, it comes in human nature, absolutely,

801
00:39:40,680 --> 00:39:42,880
Speaker 4: but it's really cool to push that and go, no,

802
00:39:42,960 --> 00:39:44,680
Speaker 4: I'm going to just do this and I'm going to

803
00:39:44,760 --> 00:39:47,560
Speaker 4: try this. There's no harm in the in the trying,

804
00:39:47,840 --> 00:39:51,520
Speaker 4: and there's no mal intention either. So yeah, I think

805
00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:53,839
Speaker 4: you get stronger from it. I'm sure you grew from

806
00:39:53,880 --> 00:39:54,600
Speaker 4: that experience.

807
00:39:55,200 --> 00:39:58,040
Speaker 3: Yes I did. Yeah, it's yeah, you do. And it

808
00:39:58,120 --> 00:40:01,800
Speaker 3: also makes you understand, you know what, you can't control

809
00:40:02,600 --> 00:40:04,920
Speaker 3: anybody else, that people are going to have their opinions.

810
00:40:05,760 --> 00:40:07,879
Speaker 3: So you've just got to do what's in your heart

811
00:40:07,960 --> 00:40:11,640
Speaker 3: and what's what you follow your intention.

812
00:40:12,440 --> 00:40:14,840
Speaker 1: And bring it back to what you believe exactly, going.

813
00:40:14,960 --> 00:40:17,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I reckon as long as you've been kind

814
00:40:17,480 --> 00:40:19,600
Speaker 3: at least taught me this. You know, if you've been

815
00:40:19,719 --> 00:40:22,240
Speaker 3: kind about it and it's a thing that you truly

816
00:40:22,360 --> 00:40:26,080
Speaker 3: believe in, I mean, it's worth doing. And that's a

817
00:40:26,120 --> 00:40:29,560
Speaker 3: great analogy for you know, speak with other actors about

818
00:40:29,600 --> 00:40:32,319
Speaker 3: playing bad guys. Bad guys don't usually think that they're

819
00:40:32,360 --> 00:40:34,680
Speaker 3: doing the wrong thing. They think they're doing the right thing.

820
00:40:35,080 --> 00:40:39,040
Speaker 3: That's how they discussed out exactly they keep doing it.

821
00:40:39,760 --> 00:40:43,080
Speaker 3: If you if you two could have any superpower to

822
00:40:43,280 --> 00:40:48,160
Speaker 3: improve relationships, speaking of getting stronger, what would you What

823
00:40:48,239 --> 00:40:48,960
Speaker 3: would you choose?

824
00:40:49,920 --> 00:40:53,879
Speaker 1: I know what I'd choose. So one time we were

825
00:40:54,120 --> 00:40:58,080
Speaker 1: kind of struggling a bit, really stressed out, you know, bickering,

826
00:40:58,920 --> 00:41:01,560
Speaker 1: and we'll flopping the app and as we said, you

827
00:41:01,600 --> 00:41:03,640
Speaker 1: know that takes a lot of effort, and we just said,

828
00:41:03,680 --> 00:41:05,560
Speaker 1: that's okay, we need to go away for a weekend.

829
00:41:05,640 --> 00:41:08,600
Speaker 1: We kind of left the phones and we went totally

830
00:41:08,640 --> 00:41:12,080
Speaker 1: off grid. And so what I would do is I

831
00:41:12,200 --> 00:41:17,160
Speaker 1: would disconnect people from technology and distraction. Not forever, because

832
00:41:17,160 --> 00:41:19,239
Speaker 1: that's cruel, and that's a lot of good things with technology,

833
00:41:19,239 --> 00:41:21,600
Speaker 1: but I'd be like with my gun, look, dang, no

834
00:41:21,760 --> 00:41:23,560
Speaker 1: technology is going to work for you for like two

835
00:41:23,680 --> 00:41:26,400
Speaker 1: days or a week, and then all of a sudden,

836
00:41:26,600 --> 00:41:30,920
Speaker 1: people have time. The world slows down, and our brain's

837
00:41:31,160 --> 00:41:33,879
Speaker 1: actually a prime for connection. But as soon as we're

838
00:41:33,960 --> 00:41:37,400
Speaker 1: engaged in the task, the part of our brain that

839
00:41:37,440 --> 00:41:40,680
Speaker 1: it's prime for connection, goes quiet and gets distracted, but

840
00:41:40,800 --> 00:41:44,879
Speaker 1: that connection is sitting there, it's waiting. It's what makes

841
00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:47,160
Speaker 1: us feel whole, what makes us feel good. So that

842
00:41:47,200 --> 00:41:49,920
Speaker 1: would be my superpower, is that being people's ability to

843
00:41:50,040 --> 00:41:52,280
Speaker 1: connect the technology away for periods.

844
00:41:52,840 --> 00:41:56,080
Speaker 3: That it's fit. I just relaxed as you were.

845
00:41:56,080 --> 00:41:56,960
Speaker 1: Talking about that.

846
00:41:58,000 --> 00:42:00,640
Speaker 2: Was there any sort of funny moments when you were

847
00:42:00,719 --> 00:42:02,759
Speaker 2: creating the app or writing the book that you thought,

848
00:42:02,840 --> 00:42:05,600
Speaker 2: imagine we put this in there, or imagine if we

849
00:42:05,680 --> 00:42:08,040
Speaker 2: did this, how hilarious would that be? Did you have

850
00:42:08,080 --> 00:42:08,960
Speaker 2: any moments like that.

851
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:10,400
Speaker 1: As in our experience.

852
00:42:10,560 --> 00:42:15,680
Speaker 4: Yeah, ah, well, we put little bits and pieces in there,

853
00:42:17,360 --> 00:42:20,520
Speaker 4: and I think like from our relationship you mean, or just.

854
00:42:21,080 --> 00:42:23,640
Speaker 2: Just just whatever, just whatever someone might want have been

855
00:42:23,960 --> 00:42:24,880
Speaker 2: reading or looking at it.

856
00:42:24,920 --> 00:42:27,000
Speaker 4: I think we did a few of those, because you know,

857
00:42:27,080 --> 00:42:30,239
Speaker 4: we can get pretty feisty with our readers in the

858
00:42:30,360 --> 00:42:33,160
Speaker 4: sense of like you need to look at yourself here

859
00:42:33,280 --> 00:42:35,360
Speaker 4: and stuff like that. So I think we had some

860
00:42:35,440 --> 00:42:37,680
Speaker 4: few harsh things in there, and the editors.

861
00:42:37,440 --> 00:42:44,440
Speaker 1: Like, yeah, no, The Love Links actually has a lot

862
00:42:44,520 --> 00:42:47,000
Speaker 1: of our stories in it because we want to really

863
00:42:47,760 --> 00:42:49,520
Speaker 1: show that we're humans too, and it has a lot

864
00:42:49,560 --> 00:42:51,400
Speaker 1: of client stories in it too. Yeah, I think I

865
00:42:51,680 --> 00:42:55,719
Speaker 1: just love that, Yeah, identify clients. But when it comes

866
00:42:55,760 --> 00:42:58,960
Speaker 1: to the book, and like it's so varied, it's got

867
00:42:59,200 --> 00:43:02,239
Speaker 1: every aspect we could think of kind of in there, right,

868
00:43:02,760 --> 00:43:05,719
Speaker 1: But yeah, there's parts of Helen and ice relationship. I'm

869
00:43:05,719 --> 00:43:06,800
Speaker 1: sure that aren't in that.

870
00:43:07,239 --> 00:43:10,399
Speaker 4: We did fantasize sometimes putting stuff in there, even from

871
00:43:10,480 --> 00:43:13,560
Speaker 4: our own childhoods, and then we're like, imagine that as

872
00:43:13,600 --> 00:43:15,200
Speaker 4: I actually, no, let's not include that.

873
00:43:19,080 --> 00:43:23,440
Speaker 1: Maybe the next book exactly what about.

874
00:43:24,880 --> 00:43:29,840
Speaker 3: As therapists and you're married couple, did it help you

875
00:43:29,960 --> 00:43:33,640
Speaker 3: grow your relationship creating the app writing the book?

876
00:43:34,719 --> 00:43:37,040
Speaker 4: I think so. I think so, And I think being

877
00:43:37,200 --> 00:43:41,719
Speaker 4: therapists helped, like helped our relationship along. But I don't

878
00:43:41,760 --> 00:43:45,239
Speaker 4: think it's a given. It's like I remember we were

879
00:43:46,800 --> 00:43:48,640
Speaker 4: I think it was the year when we were overseas

880
00:43:48,680 --> 00:43:52,360
Speaker 4: and you proposed. But before the proposal came, we were

881
00:43:52,360 --> 00:43:56,960
Speaker 4: at a conference psychology conference in Vienna and we just

882
00:43:57,080 --> 00:43:58,200
Speaker 4: were not getting along.

883
00:43:58,280 --> 00:43:58,759
Speaker 1: I don't know what.

884
00:43:58,920 --> 00:44:00,960
Speaker 4: I don't even remember what was the cause, but we

885
00:44:01,040 --> 00:44:06,520
Speaker 4: were so disconnected and we'll go into these lectures on vulnerability,

886
00:44:07,160 --> 00:44:09,960
Speaker 4: you know, all this stuff, and it was just so

887
00:44:10,920 --> 00:44:13,800
Speaker 4: mismatched in that sense, and I remember thinking to myself,

888
00:44:13,960 --> 00:44:17,160
Speaker 4: like I'm a walking contradiction, Like I need to look

889
00:44:17,239 --> 00:44:20,480
Speaker 4: inside what is actually happening for me right now? That's

890
00:44:20,600 --> 00:44:24,759
Speaker 4: creating this chasm and it's yeah, So I think being

891
00:44:24,800 --> 00:44:27,880
Speaker 4: a therapist doesn't mean you're automatically going to be amazing

892
00:44:27,960 --> 00:44:31,080
Speaker 4: in a relationship. I think again, it's that willingness to

893
00:44:31,200 --> 00:44:34,200
Speaker 4: turn it on yourself and go. And when we did that,

894
00:44:34,400 --> 00:44:37,279
Speaker 4: we reconnected, and I think you're superposed.

895
00:44:37,360 --> 00:44:40,799
Speaker 1: I think, look, we're grown enormously because of the app

896
00:44:41,440 --> 00:44:44,400
Speaker 1: and the book went back and like we delve so

897
00:44:44,560 --> 00:44:47,840
Speaker 1: much into what we believe in that we have to

898
00:44:48,440 --> 00:44:50,920
Speaker 1: enact it in our own lives. But a bit about

899
00:44:50,960 --> 00:44:53,880
Speaker 1: our story. So I was previously married and have two kids.

900
00:44:54,760 --> 00:44:58,400
Speaker 1: The first twelve months were together. I married young, so

901
00:44:58,560 --> 00:45:00,360
Speaker 1: like I wasn't ready to die, let's make it blended

902
00:45:00,400 --> 00:45:02,319
Speaker 1: family straight away. I'm like, you know what I'm it's

903
00:45:02,920 --> 00:45:05,360
Speaker 1: a few years single, Like, let's I just want to

904
00:45:05,400 --> 00:45:07,200
Speaker 1: have a romance and get to know someone. So the

905
00:45:07,239 --> 00:45:09,640
Speaker 1: first twelve months we didn't introduce the kids at all.

906
00:45:09,840 --> 00:45:13,440
Speaker 4: Your kids too, No, I just have the two inherited works.

907
00:45:13,680 --> 00:45:17,960
Speaker 1: And the fur baby. So like that, there was an

908
00:45:17,960 --> 00:45:20,360
Speaker 1: adjustment period, like I think when when it was it

909
00:45:20,480 --> 00:45:22,279
Speaker 1: was more simpler. Right in that first year.

910
00:45:22,480 --> 00:45:25,640
Speaker 4: Absolutely, it was fun and exciting and it was just

911
00:45:25,719 --> 00:45:26,360
Speaker 4: the two of us.

912
00:45:26,440 --> 00:45:29,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, and part time to a degree because like

913
00:45:29,080 --> 00:45:30,920
Speaker 1: we had the kids. Like it was like helm was

914
00:45:30,960 --> 00:45:33,480
Speaker 1: doing our own thing and we'll catch probably phone and stuff. Yeah,

915
00:45:34,280 --> 00:45:37,480
Speaker 1: but our wall was probably that adjustment period kind of

916
00:45:37,520 --> 00:45:41,840
Speaker 1: getting through through, kind of merging into a and you know,

917
00:45:42,719 --> 00:45:45,759
Speaker 1: if you don't climb over that wall, you're just going

918
00:45:45,800 --> 00:45:47,920
Speaker 1: to be stuck hitting up against it. And a lot

919
00:45:47,960 --> 00:45:50,239
Speaker 1: of couples do that for a long time and then

920
00:45:50,280 --> 00:45:52,520
Speaker 1: it falls apart. So I think we did have to

921
00:45:52,600 --> 00:45:54,840
Speaker 1: dig deep. And that's part of the reason why we

922
00:45:54,920 --> 00:45:56,680
Speaker 1: put some of our own stuff in the book to say,

923
00:45:57,239 --> 00:45:59,279
Speaker 1: you know, it's not just a perfect relationship because we

924
00:45:59,320 --> 00:46:01,480
Speaker 1: found the right and it's because we keep trying to

925
00:46:01,520 --> 00:46:02,920
Speaker 1: turn up to be the right partner.

926
00:46:03,560 --> 00:46:06,960
Speaker 3: That's exactly why we did the podcast. Yeah, we were

927
00:46:07,000 --> 00:46:13,200
Speaker 3: getting projections thrown and asking you guys have perfect perfect couple. Yeah,

928
00:46:13,360 --> 00:46:18,040
Speaker 3: it's like, yeah, what would you know exactly? Yeah, it's well, actually,

929
00:46:18,239 --> 00:46:21,080
Speaker 3: here's what we went through and here's what we do know,

930
00:46:21,360 --> 00:46:23,600
Speaker 3: and maybe you can relate to that. So that's great

931
00:46:23,680 --> 00:46:26,400
Speaker 3: because it makes it so much more relatable.

932
00:46:26,760 --> 00:46:29,120
Speaker 2: And is that in the book as well, your experience

933
00:46:29,400 --> 00:46:32,239
Speaker 2: with the step parenting and the blended families, because we've

934
00:46:32,280 --> 00:46:34,680
Speaker 2: had a lot of couples come in here and that

935
00:46:34,920 --> 00:46:37,560
Speaker 2: is often the number one challenge that they've had where

936
00:46:37,560 --> 00:46:41,120
Speaker 2: they've done blended families, and they've often sought therapy, Thank

937
00:46:41,200 --> 00:46:43,760
Speaker 2: Heavens for it, and it's made a world of difference.

938
00:46:43,920 --> 00:46:46,239
Speaker 2: Is that in your book as well?

939
00:46:46,480 --> 00:46:48,560
Speaker 4: I think, as I agree with you, I think probably

940
00:46:48,640 --> 00:46:50,960
Speaker 4: if you ask me what the most challenging thing in

941
00:46:51,040 --> 00:46:54,160
Speaker 4: our relationship has been, it's probably the blended family. Best

942
00:46:54,200 --> 00:46:57,799
Speaker 4: at mum but amazing as well, like so much growth

943
00:46:57,880 --> 00:46:59,960
Speaker 4: from it. But I think in our book and our

944
00:47:00,239 --> 00:47:03,719
Speaker 4: we don't specifically talk about blended families, but if you

945
00:47:03,880 --> 00:47:08,560
Speaker 4: apply the strategies and the understanding to it, then you

946
00:47:08,680 --> 00:47:13,560
Speaker 4: can work anything out. So we used the same strategies

947
00:47:13,640 --> 00:47:17,880
Speaker 4: to work through our blended family. So for instance, that

948
00:47:18,080 --> 00:47:21,239
Speaker 4: validation piece and listening and feeding back as well as

949
00:47:21,280 --> 00:47:24,120
Speaker 4: all the other stuff in the book is essential if

950
00:47:24,160 --> 00:47:26,919
Speaker 4: you're going to navigate the complexities of a blended family.

951
00:47:26,960 --> 00:47:29,960
Speaker 1: Absolutely, and we talk about like different coupled domains, so

952
00:47:30,160 --> 00:47:33,920
Speaker 1: like all the different aspects within life, like for example,

953
00:47:34,080 --> 00:47:36,759
Speaker 1: like families, family of borage, and even domestic duties and

954
00:47:36,800 --> 00:47:39,440
Speaker 1: stuff like that. But one thing we really try and

955
00:47:39,520 --> 00:47:41,040
Speaker 1: do with the book, the eight leve Lengths and the

956
00:47:41,080 --> 00:47:44,800
Speaker 1: app is it's meant to be a deep, thoughtful journey

957
00:47:44,960 --> 00:47:48,040
Speaker 1: in the sense we want you to change your relationship dynamics.

958
00:47:48,800 --> 00:47:52,680
Speaker 1: The surface issues are you can get through one bit

959
00:47:52,760 --> 00:47:55,399
Speaker 1: of surf, surface issue or content which might be huge,

960
00:47:55,840 --> 00:47:57,440
Speaker 1: I don't want to undermine that, like it could be

961
00:47:57,520 --> 00:48:01,160
Speaker 1: like moving or about blended families. But it's the dynamics

962
00:48:01,200 --> 00:48:05,440
Speaker 1: that are either positive or unhelpful. And our kind of

963
00:48:05,640 --> 00:48:09,920
Speaker 1: mission is to help people understand what are my dynamics,

964
00:48:10,000 --> 00:48:14,400
Speaker 1: what do I bring, and what's working, what needs to tweak,

965
00:48:14,480 --> 00:48:16,840
Speaker 1: and what needs to be introduced. And once you know

966
00:48:17,040 --> 00:48:20,279
Speaker 1: that and you have the strategies and tools, then you

967
00:48:20,880 --> 00:48:24,279
Speaker 1: can potentially get over any obstacle. And that's what we

968
00:48:24,360 --> 00:48:26,440
Speaker 1: want to impare the tools to apply to everything. And

969
00:48:26,520 --> 00:48:28,400
Speaker 1: that's what we said about every couple that walks in.

970
00:48:28,880 --> 00:48:31,759
Speaker 1: We don't want you coming here forever. You're always welcome back,

971
00:48:31,840 --> 00:48:35,640
Speaker 1: we say, because we love our clients and taught side,

972
00:48:36,160 --> 00:48:38,840
Speaker 1: but we want you to understand the dynamics, so like,

973
00:48:39,160 --> 00:48:41,000
Speaker 1: how do we get over these problems? Like, well, we'll

974
00:48:41,040 --> 00:48:43,040
Speaker 1: help you get over that problem, but let's look at

975
00:48:43,160 --> 00:48:44,920
Speaker 1: why you're struggling to get over that problem.

976
00:48:45,120 --> 00:48:48,239
Speaker 3: Yeah, are there checks and balances for you guys as

977
00:48:48,320 --> 00:48:52,200
Speaker 3: psychologists and in therapy? Do you do your sessions and

978
00:48:52,280 --> 00:48:54,279
Speaker 3: then do you who's checking on you?

979
00:48:54,719 --> 00:48:59,279
Speaker 4: Yeah? Absolutely, so most psychologists will have their own supervisor

980
00:48:59,360 --> 00:49:03,120
Speaker 4: who they can in with. I know in our practice

981
00:49:03,280 --> 00:49:06,200
Speaker 4: we're trying we try and create a culture that's positive

982
00:49:06,320 --> 00:49:09,440
Speaker 4: and supportive. So we have an open door policy. So

983
00:49:09,520 --> 00:49:13,760
Speaker 4: if psychologists needs some help or check in about their clients,

984
00:49:13,920 --> 00:49:17,520
Speaker 4: or if something happens it's really triggering or something, then

985
00:49:17,520 --> 00:49:19,680
Speaker 4: they're most welcome to kind of reach out.

986
00:49:19,800 --> 00:49:23,400
Speaker 1: And we run a group supervision session every fortnight, so

987
00:49:23,520 --> 00:49:26,839
Speaker 1: that's just a standard time and any psychologists can come

988
00:49:26,920 --> 00:49:30,600
Speaker 1: into that and talk about clients that they're dealing with.

989
00:49:30,880 --> 00:49:33,279
Speaker 1: And yeah, as Helen said, each psychologist has to have

990
00:49:33,360 --> 00:49:35,960
Speaker 1: their own supervisor to maintain registration.

991
00:49:36,080 --> 00:49:39,040
Speaker 3: It's really importantly because it keeps things safe.

992
00:49:39,320 --> 00:49:39,520
Speaker 1: Yeah.

993
00:49:39,719 --> 00:49:42,160
Speaker 4: Absolutely, it's a lot of load to kind of carry,

994
00:49:42,320 --> 00:49:45,920
Speaker 4: so you need to you need those official ways, but

995
00:49:46,120 --> 00:49:48,440
Speaker 4: also like what are you doing at home? And to

996
00:49:48,520 --> 00:49:49,400
Speaker 4: take care of yourself.

997
00:49:50,320 --> 00:49:53,360
Speaker 1: We're clinical psychologists as well, so we have clients, I

998
00:49:53,440 --> 00:49:57,560
Speaker 1: mean psychologists, not clients. Sorry, sorry staff colleagues. When they

999
00:49:57,680 --> 00:50:00,080
Speaker 1: first start, they actually have to do one hour of

1000
00:50:00,200 --> 00:50:02,160
Speaker 1: supervision every fortnight for two years.

1001
00:50:02,640 --> 00:50:02,799
Speaker 3: Right.

1002
00:50:03,480 --> 00:50:04,760
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's awesome.

1003
00:50:04,760 --> 00:50:05,440
Speaker 3: It's good, isn't it?

1004
00:50:05,600 --> 00:50:05,799
Speaker 4: Yeah?

1005
00:50:05,920 --> 00:50:10,400
Speaker 3: Good? Well. The app is My Love, Your Love. The

1006
00:50:10,520 --> 00:50:15,320
Speaker 3: book is The Eight Love Links. And we're going to

1007
00:50:15,360 --> 00:50:16,799
Speaker 3: step into the shower now.

1008
00:50:21,560 --> 00:50:22,480
Speaker 4: Away from the toilet.

1009
00:50:23,400 --> 00:50:25,880
Speaker 3: You're away from the head and we're going into the

1010
00:50:26,440 --> 00:50:29,279
Speaker 3: shower for a two minute shower. And we'd like you

1011
00:50:29,360 --> 00:50:31,640
Speaker 3: to answer these questions which I don't.

1012
00:50:31,480 --> 00:50:35,799
Speaker 2: Have in front of me down the bottom down look

1013
00:50:35,840 --> 00:50:36,560
Speaker 2: at that you.

1014
00:50:39,600 --> 00:50:44,600
Speaker 3: Just like I wrote it. Can you both answer the question? Okay,

1015
00:50:44,960 --> 00:50:47,520
Speaker 3: what habit does your partner have that you find adorable?

1016
00:50:47,760 --> 00:50:47,960
Speaker 1: Oh?

1017
00:50:48,920 --> 00:50:49,120
Speaker 5: Well?

1018
00:50:49,560 --> 00:50:52,640
Speaker 4: Mine, for Shan is definitely the way he speaks to

1019
00:50:52,760 --> 00:50:53,160
Speaker 4: our dog.

1020
00:50:53,600 --> 00:50:56,680
Speaker 2: He says, like, good boy, do it.

1021
00:50:56,760 --> 00:50:58,600
Speaker 1: You have to do it. I don't know if I

1022
00:50:58,640 --> 00:50:59,960
Speaker 1: can do it. On to man, I have to say

1023
00:51:00,120 --> 00:51:01,000
Speaker 1: him a good boy.

1024
00:51:02,960 --> 00:51:03,319
Speaker 3: A treat.

1025
00:51:07,360 --> 00:51:09,239
Speaker 1: Mind for Helen is it doesn't matter if she's in

1026
00:51:09,360 --> 00:51:13,719
Speaker 1: tracksuit pants or completely glammed up. No matter what's going on.

1027
00:51:13,960 --> 00:51:17,040
Speaker 1: She can spill food or drink on herself in every

1028
00:51:17,120 --> 00:51:19,440
Speaker 1: single occasion. Yeah, it's a surprise.

1029
00:51:19,760 --> 00:51:20,719
Speaker 3: He still looks hard.

1030
00:51:28,239 --> 00:51:30,879
Speaker 1: I'm like, yes, you have a big stain down your dress,

1031
00:51:30,960 --> 00:51:34,439
Speaker 1: but you still look great, so it doesn't matter. That's good.

1032
00:51:34,680 --> 00:51:37,840
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's that's that's your territory a little bit at

1033
00:51:37,880 --> 00:51:38,520
Speaker 2: the moment, isn't it.

1034
00:51:38,560 --> 00:51:41,120
Speaker 3: Honey. You're like, yeah, I got the white jeans on today.

1035
00:51:42,200 --> 00:51:44,280
Speaker 4: Guarantee days white jeans.

1036
00:51:44,360 --> 00:51:47,360
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's got to be black all the time. What

1037
00:51:49,080 --> 00:51:51,839
Speaker 2: what is it about your relationship that makes you feel

1038
00:51:51,920 --> 00:51:52,600
Speaker 2: most grateful.

1039
00:51:55,640 --> 00:51:58,360
Speaker 1: I've got a best friend, you know, and totally in

1040
00:51:58,440 --> 00:52:02,360
Speaker 1: love with her, and I just feel like we are

1041
00:52:02,520 --> 00:52:05,759
Speaker 1: partners through this journey of life, and I think we've

1042
00:52:05,800 --> 00:52:07,200
Speaker 1: got really kind of common values.

1043
00:52:07,680 --> 00:52:10,359
Speaker 3: And is Helen okay with that? What do you mean

1044
00:52:10,440 --> 00:52:12,640
Speaker 3: which part that you have this best friend.

1045
00:52:14,680 --> 00:52:16,239
Speaker 1: Well, Helen gets to hang out with for some of

1046
00:52:16,280 --> 00:52:16,640
Speaker 1: the time.

1047
00:52:19,719 --> 00:52:22,040
Speaker 3: I totally cut you off and I had to go there.

1048
00:52:23,600 --> 00:52:25,720
Speaker 1: Yeah. Look, I'm just I'm grateful I've got this amazing

1049
00:52:25,800 --> 00:52:29,000
Speaker 1: partner to share life's adventures with, you know, and we

1050
00:52:29,120 --> 00:52:31,239
Speaker 1: both had the same kind of ideas and worldview and

1051
00:52:31,280 --> 00:52:32,759
Speaker 1: stuff like that or not not all the time. But

1052
00:52:32,800 --> 00:52:35,400
Speaker 1: I mean we both know that life is in the moments,

1053
00:52:36,040 --> 00:52:37,920
Speaker 1: and you know, we can find that anywhere as long

1054
00:52:37,920 --> 00:52:39,239
Speaker 1: as we put some effort into it.

1055
00:52:39,760 --> 00:52:42,080
Speaker 4: I don't think I can top that one. But similarly,

1056
00:52:42,320 --> 00:52:45,040
Speaker 4: I think I just love having someone that's kind of

1057
00:52:45,239 --> 00:52:48,479
Speaker 4: fun and interesting to do life with. Its the best.

1058
00:52:48,880 --> 00:52:53,359
Speaker 3: Yeah, and he says, good boy, boy, I don't care.

1059
00:52:55,440 --> 00:52:58,120
Speaker 3: I've got one too. I've been rubbing his tommy this morning.

1060
00:52:58,239 --> 00:53:03,440
Speaker 3: Good boy, don't escape, goody. What do you miss when

1061
00:53:03,440 --> 00:53:04,160
Speaker 3: you're not together?

1062
00:53:07,440 --> 00:53:12,239
Speaker 4: I think I miss his cuddles, Yeah, he's yeah, I

1063
00:53:12,440 --> 00:53:13,640
Speaker 4: just yeah.

1064
00:53:13,640 --> 00:53:16,440
Speaker 1: I think it's a comfort zone. Absolutely. It's like it's

1065
00:53:16,760 --> 00:53:19,759
Speaker 1: awesome to go out and be autonomous an individual, and

1066
00:53:19,800 --> 00:53:21,600
Speaker 1: then it's like you're coming home. It's just a nice

1067
00:53:21,680 --> 00:53:22,279
Speaker 1: comfort zone.

1068
00:53:22,920 --> 00:53:23,240
Speaker 3: Lovely.

1069
00:53:23,680 --> 00:53:26,839
Speaker 2: Last question, one word to describe each other.

1070
00:53:28,640 --> 00:53:32,719
Speaker 4: I would say generous. And I say that not like financially, yes,

1071
00:53:32,880 --> 00:53:36,000
Speaker 4: but I think he's just super generous from his heart.

1072
00:53:36,200 --> 00:53:38,880
Speaker 4: So you know, like I was pouring with rain yesterday

1073
00:53:38,920 --> 00:53:40,759
Speaker 4: and I was at the gym and he takets me saying,

1074
00:53:40,800 --> 00:53:41,960
Speaker 4: do you want me to come pick you? And like

1075
00:53:42,360 --> 00:53:44,959
Speaker 4: the gym is five minutes walk away from our house

1076
00:53:45,040 --> 00:53:47,040
Speaker 4: and he's like, it's raining hard, would you like me

1077
00:53:47,120 --> 00:53:49,880
Speaker 4: to come pick you up? And he's always offering to

1078
00:53:50,239 --> 00:53:52,960
Speaker 4: take me places, which is not reciprocated from.

1079
00:53:54,760 --> 00:53:55,239
Speaker 2: You can get.

1080
00:53:56,719 --> 00:54:00,359
Speaker 4: So Yeah, he's just generous with his love, with his time.

1081
00:54:00,960 --> 00:54:03,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, with these thoughts, I'm going to say, it's mexy,

1082
00:54:04,280 --> 00:54:05,240
Speaker 1: smart and sexy.

1083
00:54:07,280 --> 00:54:10,680
Speaker 2: Look at that you never had before, mexy.

1084
00:54:11,000 --> 00:54:14,080
Speaker 1: MESI I like that. That's awesome.

1085
00:54:14,360 --> 00:54:17,279
Speaker 3: Sean and Helen, thank you so much for joining us today.

1086
00:54:17,840 --> 00:54:19,800
Speaker 3: So I said my love. Your Love is the app,

1087
00:54:19,960 --> 00:54:23,640
Speaker 3: download it now and the book the eight Love Links.

1088
00:54:23,800 --> 00:54:25,680
Speaker 4: Thank you so much, so much fun.

1089
00:54:25,880 --> 00:54:26,759
Speaker 1: It's been a lot of fun.

1090
00:54:28,200 --> 00:54:30,160
Speaker 3: I'm really excited to download the app.

1091
00:54:31,080 --> 00:54:35,359
Speaker 2: I'm never looked into relationship apps before. I'm gathered there's

1092
00:54:35,400 --> 00:54:39,759
Speaker 2: probably some others out there, I'm sure. But yeah, it's

1093
00:54:39,800 --> 00:54:42,719
Speaker 2: sort of like having a having a therapist in your pocket,

1094
00:54:42,800 --> 00:54:43,040
Speaker 2: Isn't it?

1095
00:54:43,200 --> 00:54:44,960
Speaker 3: All? It is? And they did mention the fact that

1096
00:54:45,840 --> 00:54:53,080
Speaker 3: therapy couple's therapy can be expensive, absolutely and also allocating

1097
00:54:53,200 --> 00:54:56,120
Speaker 3: time getting everyone on the same page with schedules. Everyone's

1098
00:54:56,120 --> 00:54:58,400
Speaker 3: so busy to have it as an app, and just

1099
00:54:58,640 --> 00:55:02,080
Speaker 3: I mean the expense on that it would be minimal minimals.

1100
00:55:02,239 --> 00:55:06,160
Speaker 2: And if you're in a place where you know, you're

1101
00:55:06,360 --> 00:55:08,759
Speaker 2: out in the country town or wherever you are that

1102
00:55:08,800 --> 00:55:11,399
Speaker 2: you're not in the big city where there's therapists, it's

1103
00:55:11,400 --> 00:55:14,640
Speaker 2: a great around. Then you've also got an app that, yeah,

1104
00:55:14,680 --> 00:55:16,600
Speaker 2: you can do it at any time of.

1105
00:55:16,800 --> 00:55:20,560
Speaker 3: The day and dovetail with the book. Yeah, the eight

1106
00:55:20,880 --> 00:55:25,479
Speaker 3: love links really good, really good. Yeah.

1107
00:55:25,560 --> 00:55:28,040
Speaker 2: Absolutely, they've broken it down, which I like that. I

1108
00:55:28,239 --> 00:55:31,360
Speaker 2: like it when there's they break it down into stories,

1109
00:55:31,560 --> 00:55:36,080
Speaker 2: into links, into doable chunks. I think that that's really important.

1110
00:55:36,200 --> 00:55:37,360
Speaker 2: We love doable.

1111
00:55:37,640 --> 00:55:40,360
Speaker 3: We love the doable just a little by little, because

1112
00:55:40,400 --> 00:55:42,960
Speaker 3: you can cover a lot a lot in it. You

1113
00:55:43,120 --> 00:55:44,480
Speaker 3: don't even know you got where you got.

1114
00:55:44,680 --> 00:55:47,200
Speaker 2: That's right. Well, we hope you enjoyed our chat today

1115
00:55:47,280 --> 00:55:48,319
Speaker 2: and join us next time.

1116
00:55:48,760 --> 00:55:49,120
Speaker 3: See ya.