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Speaker 1: Welcome to Separate Bathrooms and other handy marriage tips.

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Speaker 2: There you go, we're going, we're cooking. It feels like

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Speaker 2: we haven't spoken for a while in this bathroom.

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Speaker 1: Oh yes, because we weren't here last week. Yeah, that's right. Well,

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Speaker 1: it's nice to see you back in the bathroom, honey, Jarln.

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Speaker 1: Normally I avoid you in the bathroom, but for today,

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Speaker 1: it's a podcast from not from our bathroom.

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Speaker 2: I hope you're well out there. Thanks for tuning into

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Speaker 2: Separate Bathrooms and other handy marriage tips on Cam. This

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Speaker 2: is Ali.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, thanks for joining us. Thanks for listening in for

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Speaker 1: the first time or again if you've joined us before.

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Speaker 1: I just wanted to give a little shout out to

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Speaker 1: doctor Alexandre Solomon, who joined us last last episode. I

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Speaker 1: don't know if you guys have listened to that one.

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Speaker 1: It's the last one before this one. I'm just you know,

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Speaker 1: this is not about what Cam and I said. I

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Speaker 1: just thought what she said was so good. I learned,

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Speaker 1: I really learned stuff. And I'm learning so much from

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Speaker 1: her book and I've posted that on my Instagram.

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Speaker 2: And I just want what's the book called again?

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Speaker 1: Taking Sexy Back. It's not a paid promotion. We don't

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Speaker 1: get anything out of this at all. Just for you

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Speaker 1: women out there, especially you menopausal women, I really recommend it.

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Speaker 1: It's really helped me.

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Speaker 2: And for guys who want to understand, which is like me,

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Speaker 2: because I didn't understand anything really about menopause on you.

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Speaker 2: There was such a word, but I didn't know what

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Speaker 2: it implied or what the experience was going through it.

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Speaker 2: So yeah, for guys who are curious about it and

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Speaker 2: about what your partner might be going through now or

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Speaker 2: is a out to go through yep, well if they haven't,

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Speaker 2: If your partner hasn't gone through menopause, they are going

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Speaker 2: to go through it. And this is the thing that

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Speaker 2: I didn't know about when I married my wife, that

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Speaker 2: she is going.

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Speaker 1: To going through manipose.

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Speaker 2: What the hell is that? But that's part of life.

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Speaker 2: We're dealing with all sorts of change, yes, and that's

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Speaker 2: that's what life is, dealing with change and how we

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Speaker 2: respond to that change.

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Speaker 1: Indeed, we wanted to talk about something that you may

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Speaker 1: be experiencing in your relationships today or perhaps in the past,

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Speaker 1: or perhaps with your family members as you no doubt, no,

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Speaker 1: we are in the midst of hopefully some big changes

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Speaker 1: when it comes to Black lives matter, not only obviously

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Speaker 1: happening in America big time, but also on our own

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Speaker 1: soil with our indigenous community. And we thought we would

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Speaker 1: just get into the topic of what if your partner

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Speaker 1: is not of the same political views as you, how

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Speaker 1: do you go about talking about that dealing with that?

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Speaker 2: Do you feel like we've had differing views political views

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Speaker 2: during our thirty years together?

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Speaker 1: I not really. I feel like we've been on the

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Speaker 1: same page. The thing that's very different about you and

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Speaker 1: I is how we approach things. And this is and

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Speaker 1: maybe it's a good blend, because I go, I'm a scorpio,

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Speaker 1: and I get you jump in. I jump in, and

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Speaker 1: I jump in clothes and all. I jump in with everything, crazy, headlong.

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Speaker 1: And that's just how I do things. When I get

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Speaker 1: passionate about something, it's all or nothing.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, So Ali doesn't just send money to a cause,

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Speaker 2: sugar and lead the charge like we had a situation

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Speaker 2: a number of years ago in the States where we

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Speaker 2: were dealing with the Ugandan child soldiers. Yeah, yeah, the

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Speaker 2: child soldiers who the night walkers and the Gurlu walk and.

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Speaker 1: So instead of I think night walkers are the is

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Speaker 1: that from Game of Thrones maybe.

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Speaker 2: But they did walk at night these kids, they make

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Speaker 2: fun of that because it was it was still a

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Speaker 2: huge issue over there where the kids escape at nighttime

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Speaker 2: and that's how they get around and escape the marauding armies.

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Speaker 2: But no, it wasn't just a matter of sending some money. No,

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Speaker 2: we all ended up on the front line wearing orange

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Speaker 2: T shirts walking around parks in the Valley Los Angeles.

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Speaker 2: Ali tends to you motivate us to take action in

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Speaker 2: ways that I probably would not have done and certainly

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Speaker 2: didn't do before I met you. We do do it differently,

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Speaker 2: and I appreciate that I need to push and that's

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Speaker 2: how I understand that sometimes my apathy towards things that

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Speaker 2: I feel strongly about comes into question, or you know,

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Speaker 2: I need to shine the light on that and go, okay,

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Speaker 2: what are you actually doing about this right now?

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Speaker 1: Yeah? And the point that sometimes I get to is

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Speaker 1: I get exhausted because I go because I go so

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Speaker 1: full headlong into things that I begin to dedicate every

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Speaker 1: second to it and worry about it and get concerned

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Speaker 1: about it, and then I read copious amounts of information

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Speaker 1: about it and get more worried about it and more

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Speaker 1: upset about something and then want to have it over

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Speaker 1: and fixed and everyone happy and healed by tomorrow. And

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Speaker 1: it's that can be a hard place sometimes, my psyche.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, when you dump all your resources in to it

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Speaker 2: and you don't leave any place for yourself. And this

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Speaker 2: has been my challenge, is watching you dump all your

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Speaker 2: resources into fixing that thing at the moment and getting tired,

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Speaker 2: you know. And that's what I think a lot of

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Speaker 2: these causes they find people are reactionary in a way

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Speaker 2: where they have a reaction to it and they go,

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Speaker 2: holy shit, I've got to go and fix this, and

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Speaker 2: they do everything they can, and then you know, after

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Speaker 2: a certain point of time, whatever that is, it's like,

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Speaker 2: I can't do this anymore. And I think that's where

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Speaker 2: you and I are a good blend, where you get

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Speaker 2: me fired up and we'll go and do something. And

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Speaker 2: then I tend to be a bit more of a

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Speaker 2: I was more of a long distance runner than a sprinter.

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Speaker 2: I tend to go, Okay, let's just conserve a bit

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Speaker 2: of energy right now. Let's do what we can do

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Speaker 2: so that we can continue to take care of what

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Speaker 2: we need to take care of in our day to

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Speaker 2: day life and assist where we can.

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Speaker 1: And it's a way of balance.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, in a way that's doable and certainly maintainable. I

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Speaker 2: think that's what a lot of what is going on

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Speaker 2: right now. It's like what with me too? With Black

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Speaker 2: Lives Matter, It's like, this isn't just going to This

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Speaker 2: isn't something that we can just throw our way at

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Speaker 2: for a couple of weeks. It's got to be something

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Speaker 2: that we really need to turn the ship around.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it needs consistent action. And this is where I've

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Speaker 1: become more aware of that over the time of having

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Speaker 1: gone one thy twenty nine million percent into something and

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Speaker 1: you going, honey, you don't have to say yes to

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Speaker 1: every request for help. And I want to say yes

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Speaker 1: to every request for help, but I'm not. I'm a

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Speaker 1: one person person, and so that's where I go. Ah,

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Speaker 1: but I want to help. I want to my heart.

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Speaker 2: The expensive you you know, that's when I get concerned.

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Speaker 2: It's when people give at the expense of themselves. And

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Speaker 2: you know, with parenting, you know they say it on aeroplanes,

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Speaker 2: you know, put your own mask on and then put

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Speaker 2: your kids on, so that you've taken care of yourself

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Speaker 2: so that you can be responsible and you can you

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Speaker 2: can act in a in a in a way that

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Speaker 2: is the best effect. Oh absolutely, what did you roll

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Speaker 2: your eyes when I said that about you? Just because

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Speaker 2: they've got my glasses.

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Speaker 1: My quote for for many years about parenting. I was like, Oh,

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Speaker 1: you're using my quote.

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Speaker 2: That's okay, though, really.

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Speaker 1: That's what I've said to you multiple times.

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Speaker 2: Well well okay, Well so then it works in this

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Speaker 2: situation where.

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Speaker 1: I was like, he's feeding me back my line. That's okay, okay, Well.

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Speaker 2: You know I do that it's a bad way, but

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Speaker 2: it's important in these situations. I think that that we

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Speaker 2: we understand that, you know, we nurture ourselves so that

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Speaker 2: we can be the best we can to help others.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I agree, I agree.

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Speaker 2: And that includes you know, educating ourselves too, which is

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Speaker 2: what we're being asked to do right now, to educate

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Speaker 2: ourselves about what is going on. It has been going

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Speaker 2: on for many many, many generations.

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Speaker 1: Exactly exactly and how to take And I know, I

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Speaker 1: keep coming back to that sentence. It's consistent action, it's

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Speaker 1: not just while it's a hot topic. And that's something

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Speaker 1: that I'm really dedicating myself to doing to make sure

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Speaker 1: that I'm showing up, not twenty four to seven doing

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Speaker 1: everything I can, But how am I showing up in

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Speaker 1: my life when I can to do the things that

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Speaker 1: I need to do for my life and for a

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Speaker 1: cause it's really important to me, which is currently Black

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Speaker 1: lives Matter, And how do we assist what's going on

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Speaker 1: in our own country, you know, in a good, solid,

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Speaker 1: action orientated way. And this is where it's you know,

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Speaker 1: this is where it's really interesting because we live through

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Speaker 1: the time in America of when Trump came into power.

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Speaker 1: And I always remember, thank god we were on the

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Speaker 1: same page about Trump. That would have been really difficult

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Speaker 1: if you loved him and I did not like him. Yes, well, yeah, okay, yeah,

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Speaker 1: And I remember hearing a lot finally enough they were

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Speaker 1: talking about on the radio how many relationships broke up

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Speaker 1: because of one person loving Trump and the other person going,

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Speaker 1: are you serious? I cannot stand him? Probably mostly it

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Speaker 1: was men loving Trump because of his business thing. I

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Speaker 1: don't know, but a lot of women liked him too,

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Speaker 1: so you know, it's an interesting thing in a relationship

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Speaker 1: when you had that dynamic that split.

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Speaker 2: So yeah, so we haven't really had a situation where

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Speaker 2: we've disagreed vehemently over politics or yeah, maybe there's one thing.

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Speaker 2: Was rearing where you were a lot more lenient with

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Speaker 2: the kids, I think than I was. I was a

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Speaker 2: lot more had more of a structured view of how

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Speaker 2: things need to be. I was if it was a

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Speaker 2: good cop, bad cop. I was probably bad cop more

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Speaker 2: often than you were. So that's probably where I come

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Speaker 2: to going, how do we deal with those situations? And

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Speaker 2: I remember just going is this a fight that's worth having?

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Speaker 2: I had to stand back and look at you and

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Speaker 2: go and look at your actions and what you were

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Speaker 2: bringing to the parenting table and to what I'm bringing

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Speaker 2: to the parenting table, and go, is it worth arguing

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Speaker 2: and fighting over that? Are the kids being taken care of?

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Speaker 2: That's the issue? Are their best interests?

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Speaker 1: Well, you always had their best interest as I did.

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Speaker 1: I or both of us always had the same goal

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Speaker 1: in mind.

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Speaker 2: Well that's what I mean. We both had the same goal.

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Speaker 2: We went about it a little differently, so me arguing

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Speaker 2: about the difference that would have caused more damage than

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Speaker 2: the difference in the way we were wanting to what

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Speaker 2: we were wanting to achieve with the kids. So often

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Speaker 2: I found myself going, all right, what's best scenario here?

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Speaker 2: Do I fight this battle? Or do I just are

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Speaker 2: the kids? Is it that bad? If the kids you

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Speaker 2: get to stay up and watch Telly tonight. I'm just

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Speaker 2: throwing that out there. I don't even know if if

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Speaker 2: that was an issue, but it was to really look

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Speaker 2: at I guess, is the fight or is the battle?

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Speaker 2: Is that worth it to the end game of what

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Speaker 2: we both wanted? And I often found myself just going,

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Speaker 2: it's not worth it. Just just let it go. And

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Speaker 2: the kids have turned out great exactly, of course they have.

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Speaker 3: Honey, want better sleep, It's time to toss out your

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Speaker 3: memory foam and upgrade to an Awara the organic luxury

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Speaker 3: hybrid mattress with Sri Lankan latex wrapped around coil springs

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Speaker 1: Bye. We have some interesting Christmas and birthdays within my

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Speaker 1: family because we have family members who don't believe in

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Speaker 1: climate change and family members who do believe in climate change.

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Speaker 1: And that has that's gotten really hated. That's gotten really

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Speaker 1: hated in our family. That's been that's been a tough

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Speaker 1: one at times.

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Speaker 2: Well, it's really interesting because the difference between our two families.

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Speaker 2: Your family, ever since I've known you guys have always

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Speaker 2: debated topics like world topics at the table. Our family,

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Speaker 2: we don't ever do that.

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Speaker 1: Consider my dad was a high court magistrate, has a

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Speaker 1: lot of opinions about the smart guy, so he yeah,

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Speaker 1: and then my two brother in laws are very politically minded.

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Speaker 1: I enjoy reading and understanding about politics and laws and

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Speaker 1: what's going on in the world. So yeah, we get

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Speaker 1: into some doozies.

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Speaker 2: So how does the family, How does the family continue

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Speaker 2: to come together each Christmas? And it's not just Christmas,

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Speaker 2: it's we get together with your family a lot, So

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Speaker 2: just share some of that. How we make that work?

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Speaker 1: Then? Well, I think the bottom line is that we

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Speaker 1: love each other so and it's fighting fair, you know,

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Speaker 1: arguing fair, you know, not without the name calling or

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Speaker 1: anything like that. That's always really important. And giving space

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Speaker 1: to listen to other people's.

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Speaker 2: Point of views even if you disagree with them, even if.

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Speaker 1: You disagree, like, where are you coming from? Where do

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Speaker 1: you where? Where are you getting your information from? Climate

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Speaker 1: deniers are usually getting theirs from.

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Speaker 2: Steady, careful sky something.

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Speaker 1: Can you tell which side I'm on? Yeah, you know,

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Speaker 1: but they really are very passionate about it, and you know,

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Speaker 1: and and we're really passionate about what we feel, so

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Speaker 1: you know, it's it has caused some The last the

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Speaker 1: last discussion about this was super fiery, and I actually

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Speaker 1: didn't enjoy it as much because it just felt it

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Speaker 1: went on for so long and it just don't dominated

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Speaker 1: the Christmas talk where I think there.

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Speaker 2: Has to, and in those moments there has to be

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Speaker 2: someone has to be strong enough to go, guys, it's

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Speaker 2: Christmas time. You need to state where we are, what's

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Speaker 2: the occasion, and is this appropriate for the occasion. And

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Speaker 2: yet we did after that one, remember we got together

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Speaker 2: again and we went, Okay, we're putting the clock on.

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Speaker 2: It's fifteen minutes of politics right now. Before the food

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Speaker 2: was served. And if you've got something to say, have

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Speaker 2: a say and then and then we're done. You know,

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Speaker 2: the thing I admire about anyone, it's the words from

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Speaker 2: the twentieth century philosopher John Cougar Mellencamp if you don't

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Speaker 2: stand for something, you're going to fall for anything.

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Speaker 1: Oh very nice, right? And did he originally say that

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Speaker 1: or is that sounds like a Lincoln quote?

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Speaker 2: Well, I just know that. It's the Scarecrow album and

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Speaker 2: it's one of my favorite songs. So, you know, I

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Speaker 2: admire when people do stand for something allow other people

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Speaker 2: the room to stand for something too, you know. And

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Speaker 2: it's not like, you know, you can agree to disagree,

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Speaker 2: but when the abuse starts, that's when that's when it's

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Speaker 2: got to stop. And that could be anything from emotional physical,

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Speaker 2: you know, verbal abuse going you know, with your disagree

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Speaker 2: it's like, okay, we need to take a time out.

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Speaker 2: And just as I mentioned before, it's like be aware

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Speaker 2: of the occasion that you're in and who you're in

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Speaker 2: front of, Like it's in front of kids. I think

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Speaker 2: kids it's important for children to witness adults having responsible conversation,

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Speaker 2: you know, and sharing thoughts because that's how the kids

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Speaker 2: don't really learn from what we say, as we've spoken

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Speaker 2: about before, they learn from what we do and how

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Speaker 2: we behave. So, you know, I think it's important to

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Speaker 2: those conversations.

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Speaker 1: Qu'es where it's more challenging and I for me in

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Speaker 1: when if we're talking about race, because you know, there's

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Speaker 1: a lot of talk about this, you know, over social media,

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Speaker 1: in the news. It's defined two ways. You're either a

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Speaker 1: racist or you are anti racism. You can't be in

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Speaker 1: the middle, and I didn't. I had to really look

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Speaker 1: into that and understand that, and I understand what that means.

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Speaker 2: What do you understand about that? Well, because you.

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Speaker 1: Can't be you can't really be neutral on that because

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Speaker 1: when you understand from and look, I will never understand

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Speaker 1: truly what our people, our indigenous people have gone through.

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Speaker 1: I say our meaning Australian. I'm not an Indigenous person,

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Speaker 1: so I cannot at all speak for them or about

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Speaker 1: what they feel though what that's what they're asking for

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Speaker 1: right now. To just not say anything is to be complicit.

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Speaker 1: It's it's to when anyone is being abused to stand

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Speaker 1: by and not speak up, to not stop the abuse

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Speaker 1: is to be complicit in the abuse. And that's really

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Speaker 1: the bottom line of it. You know, if you've got

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Speaker 1: a family of six people and one person is hurting,

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Speaker 1: you go to the person that is hurting and you

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Speaker 1: take care of that person. And to me, it's our

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Speaker 1: Indigenous people that are really hurting and have been hurting

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Speaker 1: for a really, really, really really long time.

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Speaker 2: Well ever since the Union Jack was planted on this

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Speaker 2: land and they said you can't be here anymore. Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 2: you know this is ours now.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And there's just a continuing you know, just again

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Speaker 1: learning about what everyone goes. So I mean, you know,

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Speaker 1: sitting there, you and I watching the Australian Dream at

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Speaker 1: the Adam Go documentary, that is just absolutely excruciating to

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Speaker 1: watch what that man went through, how devastating his life

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Speaker 1: was just torn apart by racism, and how much dignity

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Speaker 1: he had in the face of it was really really incredible. So,

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Speaker 1: you know, there's this there's to get onto that topic

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Speaker 1: in relationships. What if one of you has woken up

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Speaker 1: to this idea of I want to be anti racist,

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Speaker 1: and you've got a partner that goes who cares and

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Speaker 1: they need to get over it or whatever it is,

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Speaker 1: and you're really passionate about being an anti racist. There's

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Speaker 1: a fabulous book that we found. I'm going to get

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00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:57,480
Speaker 1: her name wrong. Do you want to have a go

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Speaker 1: at saying it?

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Speaker 2: I was just going to say, is Gioma a Luo?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, we'll put this up on Facebook.

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Speaker 2: I J E m A A Luo l u O.

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Speaker 2: Her book is so you want to talk about race,

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Speaker 2: and it shares advice on how to talk to talk

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Speaker 2: to our parents about racism. This is this is a

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Speaker 2: really interesting thing. Just I'll just give you this example

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Speaker 2: before we get into this and speaking specifically about my dad.

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Speaker 2: He was and my mum were brought up in time

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Speaker 2: where people were labeled, you know, by their race, and

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Speaker 2: you knew people by their race or religion. The Jewish

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Speaker 2: people on the corner, you know, the Catholic guy down

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Speaker 2: the road, the black guy, this, the Muslim guy that

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Speaker 2: you know.

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Speaker 1: So everyone still exists today, still there?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, most I guess with our folks, who are

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Speaker 2: you know, the older generations. When we moved to the

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Speaker 2: States and Dad was working with a pharmaceutical company and

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Speaker 2: they had a product that was a skin lightener. It

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Speaker 2: was a pharmaceutical company, no way, yeah, yeah, it's called

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Speaker 2: Amby and it was a skin lightener for black people

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Speaker 2: to lighten their skin.

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Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: And so Dad, Dad standing up at a board meeting

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Speaker 2: in just In, New Jersey at his new offices, talking

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Speaker 2: about Amby, which.

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Speaker 1: Is a racist product, yes, hell yeah.

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Speaker 2: And he's talking about this and he says, this is

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Speaker 2: for the Negro population. And Dad, Dad's telling this story

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Speaker 2: when he came home from and he had his ashen

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Speaker 2: his face part in the pun was as white as

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Speaker 2: a ghost. And he said, the air sucked out of

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Speaker 2: the room when he said this word about this AMBI

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Speaker 2: is for the Negro population. And then one of the

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Speaker 2: board members was an African American female and she said, Peter, Peter,

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Speaker 2: we don't use that word. And Dad said what she said,

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Speaker 2: we don't refer to ourselves as negroes. And Dad was

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Speaker 2: mortified because he had He just said, I apologize, this

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00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:12,760
Speaker 2: is my education. I thought that was the appropriate word.

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00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:19,080
Speaker 2: She said, no, we're black or we're African American. So understandably,

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00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,920
Speaker 2: he was embarrassed. He was upset. He certainly didn't want

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Speaker 2: to offend anyone. It was it was a surprise to

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Speaker 2: him because he didn't know he didn't understand. And this

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Speaker 2: is where a lot of people I think when we're

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Speaker 2: talking about this book, So you want to talk about race,

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Speaker 2: talk to your parents about racism, or.

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Speaker 1: Talk to anyone about racism, this is helpful.

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Speaker 2: This is something that is not our The education has

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00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:44,439
Speaker 2: not been there for people, and now we've arrived at

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Speaker 2: this time and situation where it's our responsibility to get educated.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely, and it's up to us to be educated, not

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Speaker 1: to go to the Indigenous people and go you educate

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Speaker 1: me on it. They've they're doing.

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Speaker 2: Enough, they've had enough. They need to be educate us.

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Speaker 1: As there's so much information out there. There's so many

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Speaker 1: great books I'm reading currently reading Growing Up Australia, Growing

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Speaker 1: Up Aboriginal Sorry by Anita Hayes. We can list a

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00:24:11,119 --> 00:24:13,600
Speaker 1: whole bunch of more books on their dark EMU is

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Speaker 1: great and Welcome to Countries stand Grants.

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Speaker 2: That's an amazing book, amazing.

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Speaker 1: Book, and it's just there's you know, Google, just so

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Speaker 1: much information again social media.

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Speaker 2: Can I just say too that it's and it's the

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Speaker 2: same in our relationships. It's not up to our indigenous

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Speaker 2: to teach us. I want them to tell me how

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Speaker 2: they're feeling though, Yeah, and that's the same in a relationship.

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Speaker 2: I want you to tell me how you're feeling. Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 2: don't teach me, don't tell me about how to how

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Speaker 2: to act with you. Just tell me how you're feeling.

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00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:56,280
Speaker 2: And then from that place I'll get to I get

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Speaker 2: to understand what it is you know, And in that respect,

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00:25:00,119 --> 00:25:02,439
Speaker 2: I can do my own research and like what you

411
00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:05,840
Speaker 2: were suggesting here and doing, you're not You're actually doing

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Speaker 2: it is learning about what has happened so that we

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Speaker 2: can rectify and make new choices.

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Speaker 1: And Bill Bridges, Yeah, absolutely. One of the tips that

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Speaker 1: is in this book is you know how to talk.

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Speaker 2: You want to talk.

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Speaker 1: About race to your parents, your partner, your kids, or whatever.

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Speaker 1: And she goes on to say she thinks it's really

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Speaker 1: important to start first from a place of your own

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Speaker 1: ignorance that you once had. And I think that that

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Speaker 1: is it's a great place to start going. I didn't

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Speaker 1: know this. This is like talking about the flag, the

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Speaker 1: Aboriginal flag. I didn't know that it wasn't owned by

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Speaker 1: indigenous people. It's owned by a wine company. I had

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Speaker 1: no idea about that. Now, learning about that, I can

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Speaker 1: talk to someone and go and they're like, oh, you know, well,

427
00:25:58,040 --> 00:26:00,400
Speaker 1: you know they're having an issue with a fight. I'm like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I know that that was an issue until I read

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Speaker 1: about it. So that was my ignorance. Now that I've

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Speaker 1: educated myself, do you want to hear about this? I

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Speaker 1: can tell you what that means. So you're bringing them

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Speaker 1: in on the same side as you and then going yeah,

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Speaker 1: I didn't know either. Look at this, look at this information,

434
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:26,399
Speaker 1: and that's a much gentler way than you, bloody idiot. Yeah,

435
00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:29,199
Speaker 1: you know, that's one step, one way to do it.

436
00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:32,960
Speaker 2: She goes on to say I always advised people to

437
00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:35,359
Speaker 2: think about what brought them to the point where they

438
00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:39,440
Speaker 2: realized it mattered, and to share that story. Talk to

439
00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:41,879
Speaker 2: the people that you care about who aren't understanding this,

440
00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:43,600
Speaker 2: and say, you know, I used to think the same

441
00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:47,720
Speaker 2: way you did, but I know, like me, you care

442
00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:52,639
Speaker 2: about people and what I want interesting and what I

443
00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:57,000
Speaker 2: want you to hear. Why I believe differently and share

444
00:26:57,040 --> 00:27:02,840
Speaker 2: that journey. Now I understand that through my own experience

445
00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:08,359
Speaker 2: with men's health and my men's emotional health, basically going

446
00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:11,960
Speaker 2: through that difficult time that I've spoken about here before,

447
00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:20,000
Speaker 2: back in the GFC days and really understanding what it

448
00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:25,119
Speaker 2: wasn't so much depression but a much more suppressive mindset

449
00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:29,720
Speaker 2: that I had and understanding that and then seeing it

450
00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:36,000
Speaker 2: in other men and the value of sharing stories and

451
00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:42,920
Speaker 2: being and speaking inspired me to create my Men's Team.

452
00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:45,600
Speaker 2: And this is good to share the story where you

453
00:27:46,119 --> 00:27:49,880
Speaker 2: where you realized what that is, because that's what's going

454
00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:50,800
Speaker 2: to engage someone.

455
00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:55,919
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly, And I think I think you you know,

456
00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:58,200
Speaker 1: if you're talking to your partner, you know that they

457
00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:01,480
Speaker 1: care about people, and you know that they I'm sure

458
00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:04,120
Speaker 1: that that your partner would want any everyone to have

459
00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:07,480
Speaker 1: a good life and want the next generation to live

460
00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:13,399
Speaker 1: a better life. And you know, so if we're talking

461
00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:17,200
Speaker 1: about that, like, then how are we going to act

462
00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:21,120
Speaker 1: on that? How are we going to together? How can

463
00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:24,440
Speaker 1: we also make a difference for people that aren't living

464
00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:29,439
Speaker 1: a good life, because that's you know, that's that's you

465
00:28:29,520 --> 00:28:31,440
Speaker 1: and your partner together in something.

466
00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:34,400
Speaker 3: And she she.

467
00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:40,400
Speaker 1: Mentions this too about before getting in a conversation, especially

468
00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:43,760
Speaker 1: about race, to know what you want to come out

469
00:28:43,800 --> 00:28:47,360
Speaker 1: of the conversation. Do you want your parents, your partner,

470
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:50,080
Speaker 1: your work people to hear you. Do you want them

471
00:28:50,120 --> 00:28:53,040
Speaker 1: to be more supportive of the efforts that you're making.

472
00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:55,760
Speaker 1: Do you want them to act on something or do

473
00:28:55,800 --> 00:28:58,440
Speaker 1: you want them to stop doing something that they're doing

474
00:28:58,480 --> 00:29:04,040
Speaker 1: that is causing person of color harm. So, you know,

475
00:29:04,080 --> 00:29:06,440
Speaker 1: we've talked about that too in relationships too, when you

476
00:29:06,480 --> 00:29:09,320
Speaker 1: go into any kind of argument to go, I want

477
00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:10,239
Speaker 1: to feel closer to you.

478
00:29:10,280 --> 00:29:11,080
Speaker 2: So let's talk.

479
00:29:10,920 --> 00:29:15,280
Speaker 1: About this subject. So knowing what that subject is in

480
00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:17,560
Speaker 1: regards to race, what do you want that person? What

481
00:29:17,600 --> 00:29:19,720
Speaker 1: do you want out of that person? If they're throwing

482
00:29:19,760 --> 00:29:24,040
Speaker 1: around disgusting racist comments and views, is that what you

483
00:29:24,120 --> 00:29:25,640
Speaker 1: want them to stop doing?

484
00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:29,160
Speaker 2: You know, I'm going and you say to state that clearly,

485
00:29:29,280 --> 00:29:33,400
Speaker 2: because I get that if it's an unexpressed expectation, then

486
00:29:33,760 --> 00:29:35,120
Speaker 2: often you're left disappointed.

487
00:29:35,800 --> 00:29:37,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, but if yeah, I was going to say, not

488
00:29:37,840 --> 00:29:39,800
Speaker 1: everyone's going to have a call to arms to go

489
00:29:39,880 --> 00:29:41,840
Speaker 1: all right, I'm going to march with you. I'm going

490
00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:44,600
Speaker 1: to do this. Not everyone's going to feel that way.

491
00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:47,840
Speaker 1: So what's the best outcome that you could that you

492
00:29:47,960 --> 00:29:51,120
Speaker 1: want from it? You know? Particularly, Yeah, like if you

493
00:29:51,200 --> 00:29:54,240
Speaker 1: want more people of color in the workplace, or if

494
00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:57,560
Speaker 1: you want, excuse me, if you want your partner to

495
00:29:57,640 --> 00:30:02,120
Speaker 1: understand white privilege, how do we look at this. Let's

496
00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:05,000
Speaker 1: look at this together. Let's read this article together, because

497
00:30:05,160 --> 00:30:07,880
Speaker 1: now we can understand it as a partnership.

498
00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:13,040
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, so we do need to wind this up

499
00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:18,120
Speaker 2: for today in relationship to being in relationship and having

500
00:30:18,480 --> 00:30:23,560
Speaker 2: a difference of opinion, just to surmise what is the

501
00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:30,080
Speaker 2: best way when we oppose what would you in your experience?

502
00:30:30,120 --> 00:30:30,880
Speaker 2: What would you say?

503
00:30:31,880 --> 00:30:34,280
Speaker 1: Well, I think those points that we hit was like, Okay,

504
00:30:34,520 --> 00:30:37,040
Speaker 1: here's what I used to believe, and I understand why

505
00:30:37,120 --> 00:30:37,720
Speaker 1: you believe that.

506
00:30:37,840 --> 00:30:38,160
Speaker 2: First.

507
00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:42,600
Speaker 1: Now I've changed my mind because I understand this. Can

508
00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:44,479
Speaker 1: I show this to you? Can you give me the

509
00:30:44,520 --> 00:30:46,600
Speaker 1: time so I can show you what it is I

510
00:30:46,640 --> 00:30:52,200
Speaker 1: now understand. And sitting down and watching a documentary like

511
00:30:52,240 --> 00:30:54,959
Speaker 1: the Adam Goods thing, like, I mean, there's a bunch

512
00:30:55,080 --> 00:30:58,000
Speaker 1: of you know, rabbit Proof friends, there's a bunch of

513
00:30:58,040 --> 00:31:01,320
Speaker 1: ones that you guys can watch together. I think there's

514
00:31:01,400 --> 00:31:07,600
Speaker 1: just ways that, yeah, you can work together to understand it,

515
00:31:07,920 --> 00:31:10,640
Speaker 1: especially if it's something that you're really passionate about, you know. No,

516
00:31:10,720 --> 00:31:13,640
Speaker 1: I mean I'm coming from a passionate place with this,

517
00:31:13,720 --> 00:31:16,320
Speaker 1: and this is where I'm grateful to you that you're

518
00:31:16,360 --> 00:31:20,520
Speaker 1: willing to always go Okay, show me this. Let's sit

519
00:31:20,560 --> 00:31:22,920
Speaker 1: down and yeah, I absolutely want to read that with you.

520
00:31:23,080 --> 00:31:24,760
Speaker 1: I want to watch this with you. You know this

521
00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:28,160
Speaker 1: is really important to me too, So that's been really

522
00:31:28,160 --> 00:31:30,280
Speaker 1: important for me in relationship with you.

523
00:31:31,280 --> 00:31:35,240
Speaker 2: Well, I think moving ahead in a relationship and growing

524
00:31:35,280 --> 00:31:40,000
Speaker 2: together is part of doing those things, you know, and

525
00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:43,080
Speaker 2: if it's important to you, then it's important to me

526
00:31:43,160 --> 00:31:45,880
Speaker 2: sometimes and making that time for yourself. It's like getting

527
00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:48,640
Speaker 2: back to that idea of all right, this is what

528
00:31:48,800 --> 00:31:52,840
Speaker 2: I can process right now. I need to watch a

529
00:31:52,880 --> 00:31:55,120
Speaker 2: game of football for the moment, just to sort of

530
00:31:55,320 --> 00:31:58,479
Speaker 2: deal with what I'm dealing with and relax. I promise

531
00:31:58,520 --> 00:32:01,120
Speaker 2: I will come back to you, or to make the

532
00:32:01,160 --> 00:32:04,840
Speaker 2: space for yourself so that you can make sense of

533
00:32:04,960 --> 00:32:09,120
Speaker 2: and integrate what it is your partner wants you to hear. Yeah,

534
00:32:09,160 --> 00:32:10,719
Speaker 2: there has to be that.

535
00:32:10,880 --> 00:32:14,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, you've got to set the stage. You've got to

536
00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:16,640
Speaker 1: sort of you know, set the stage. You go, Okay,

537
00:32:16,640 --> 00:32:20,400
Speaker 1: I'd love to talk to you about racism, about what's

538
00:32:20,480 --> 00:32:22,880
Speaker 1: going on, you know, are you do you have the

539
00:32:22,920 --> 00:32:23,520
Speaker 1: time right now?

540
00:32:23,720 --> 00:32:25,880
Speaker 2: Can you put your phone down? Can we pause that?

541
00:32:26,280 --> 00:32:28,840
Speaker 2: Or and then if you're being asked to do that,

542
00:32:29,600 --> 00:32:33,640
Speaker 2: you know, state what you need and then meet someone

543
00:32:33,840 --> 00:32:34,400
Speaker 2: in the middle.

544
00:32:34,600 --> 00:32:37,120
Speaker 1: Yeah, and sometimes it's I mean, you and I do

545
00:32:37,240 --> 00:32:39,760
Speaker 1: a lot about talking on going for walks, you know,

546
00:32:39,840 --> 00:32:43,000
Speaker 1: that's where we which might be you know, it might

547
00:32:43,040 --> 00:32:45,160
Speaker 1: be an easier time to talk with your partner about

548
00:32:45,200 --> 00:32:48,280
Speaker 1: something like that too, just when you know, you know,

549
00:32:48,320 --> 00:32:51,440
Speaker 1: when your partner is the most available, yep, so talk

550
00:32:51,480 --> 00:32:51,960
Speaker 1: with them then.

551
00:32:52,960 --> 00:32:58,320
Speaker 2: Yeah. And just in summary with this Black Lives Matter,

552
00:32:58,520 --> 00:33:02,240
Speaker 2: it feels to me that they're is a new consciousness

553
00:33:02,280 --> 00:33:05,640
Speaker 2: coming through. I mean, you look on the socials and

554
00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:08,920
Speaker 2: I really get the sense that a lot more white

555
00:33:08,960 --> 00:33:13,720
Speaker 2: people are becoming more active, you know, And my prayer

556
00:33:14,080 --> 00:33:20,720
Speaker 2: is that that is a consistent, a consistent drive towards deeper,

557
00:33:21,320 --> 00:33:22,520
Speaker 2: more meaningful education.

558
00:33:23,080 --> 00:33:27,600
Speaker 1: Yeah. Because then, because we can't dismantle racism unless white

559
00:33:27,640 --> 00:33:30,400
Speaker 1: people are on board, Like it's impossible. It's not up

560
00:33:30,440 --> 00:33:34,680
Speaker 1: to people of color, it's impossible to dismantle racism. It's

561
00:33:34,760 --> 00:33:38,200
Speaker 1: up to it's up to us. And as the lovely

562
00:33:38,240 --> 00:33:43,040
Speaker 1: Alexandra Solomon said, a quote from her is what I

563
00:33:43,080 --> 00:33:46,960
Speaker 1: know for sure is that having a courageous conversation with

564
00:33:47,040 --> 00:33:50,400
Speaker 1: the people that we love is a form of activism.

565
00:33:50,760 --> 00:33:54,880
Speaker 1: So that's a simple way of being an activist. You

566
00:33:54,920 --> 00:33:59,400
Speaker 1: have a conversation with the people you love around race perfect.

567
00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:02,480
Speaker 2: All right, we'll talk to you next week.

568
00:34:03,120 --> 00:34:06,240
Speaker 1: Indeed, be kind, thanks for listening. Take care,