WEBVTT - Stuff My Beaver

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome to a bonus episode of We Will Always Have.

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<v Speaker 1>It's just a little tidbit to tide you over where

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<v Speaker 1>Chrissy and I talk shit. Let me draw a card.

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<v Speaker 1>It's from a wisdom deck of cards. I like to

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<v Speaker 1>do this at the start of every episode because I

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<v Speaker 1>do believe that the spirit world has a message for you.

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<v Speaker 1>Now stop it, okay? I am a changed person. I

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<v Speaker 1>believe in the spirits. I believe in signs. And I

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<v Speaker 1>believe this is the card that you need to hear today.

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<v Speaker 1>If you have a family that loves you, a few

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<v Speaker 1>good friends, food on your table, and a roof over

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<v Speaker 1>your head, you are richer than you think. That is

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<v Speaker 1>the sound of Christine's favourite conversation starters that I'm having

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<v Speaker 1>a great time with.

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<v Speaker 2>Just in case Kez is listening.

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<v Speaker 1>That's mum. Mum's feedback to Christine, which she'll be mortified,

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<v Speaker 1>I told you.

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<v Speaker 2>It's absolutely fine.

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<v Speaker 1>Doing that beauty influence, the thing of tapping her fingernails

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<v Speaker 1>on everything.

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<v Speaker 2>On my blind boxes.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh, God. I love it. And I said to mum,

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<v Speaker 1>I know, mum. Let's just try living with her.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh, here we go. Have you ever pretended to be

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<v Speaker 2>in a relationship?

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<v Speaker 1>Yes.

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<v Speaker 2>So I want to expand on that.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh.

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<v Speaker 2>Have you ever had to pretend to be in a

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<v Speaker 2>relationship for the work that you do.

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<v Speaker 1>The business that you're in? Yeah, I've had to pretend.

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<v Speaker 1>I pretend I got engaged and married.

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<v Speaker 2>No.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, because I had a stalker.

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<v Speaker 2>Really?

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<v Speaker 1>Yes. Oh my God, Christine, this story is amazing.

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<v Speaker 2>And I'm ready. Go.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, so you know how I'd list my services?

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<v Speaker 2>Yes.

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<v Speaker 1>Cheeky massages. Yes. For, what do I say if the

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<v Speaker 1>government calls? Remedial. Oh, they're remedial. They're therapeutical. Right?

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, perfect.

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<v Speaker 1>Wink, wink, winking into the microphone. So when someone messages me,

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<v Speaker 1>especially if they're paying, I'm not picky and I don't mind,

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<v Speaker 1>but I'm not going to ask for photos or ages

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<v Speaker 1>or anything, right? Because I find that's a bit inappropriate. Yeah.

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<v Speaker 2>To safeguard yourself, I think that's very appropriate.

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<v Speaker 1>No, no, that's like, oh, no, you're too old. Oh, no,

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<v Speaker 1>don't do that body shape. Like, I'm happy to accept everyone.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't need to know. Okay. If they're wanting a freebie,

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<v Speaker 1>I need a photo of every interview, right? Okay. Because

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not giving it away for free.

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<v Speaker 2>You know your worst. Okay.

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<v Speaker 1>So I get a message from this guy and I

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<v Speaker 1>was like, yeah, yeah, sure, over you come. Oh, my God, Christine. Christine.

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<v Speaker 2>All the hands up to the eyes in a shameful manner.

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<v Speaker 1>He was 86.

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<v Speaker 2>Not that there's anything wrong.

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<v Speaker 1>Look, 86-year-olds have needs.

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<v Speaker 2>86-year-old men still are active. Some are.

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<v Speaker 1>He was so sexually active and on the apps and, like,

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<v Speaker 1>telling me all these things. Anyways, he comes in and

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<v Speaker 1>I was like, oh, fine. Oh, my gosh. Totally fine. Again,

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<v Speaker 1>it's fine.

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<v Speaker 2>I would have loved to have seen your face when

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<v Speaker 2>you opened the door.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh, no, no, no, no. My face was fine. He

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<v Speaker 1>takes all his clothes off. I was like, fine. And

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<v Speaker 1>then he goes, he grabs my hand and he... Look,

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<v Speaker 1>I don't want to make fun of this. It's not

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<v Speaker 1>me making fun of it. It was just very unexpected.

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<v Speaker 1>And he puts it down on one of his testicles

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<v Speaker 1>and he said, squeeze. And I was like, ooh. What?

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<v Speaker 1>It was a pump. One testicle was a pump. And so...

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<v Speaker 1>don't that's how so i had to pump his don't

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<v Speaker 1>it's not funny it's like some people have i don't

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<v Speaker 1>want to laugh at that but i was just through

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<v Speaker 1>me so much and i was like wow he really

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<v Speaker 1>must love sex if he's at 86 getting a pump

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<v Speaker 1>installed and he was i was really proud of it

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<v Speaker 1>i was like oh that's great He didn't want a massage.

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<v Speaker 1>He wasn't there for that. So it was straight, but

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<v Speaker 1>he was like all over me, but it felt like

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<v Speaker 1>a snail. And I was just like, oh my God,

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<v Speaker 1>this is like, this is horrific. Like this is when

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<v Speaker 1>I was like, oh no, like, and thankfully, thank God

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<v Speaker 1>he didn't last long. Thank God. Anyway, so he finishes

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<v Speaker 1>and then proceeds to tell me that we were meant

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<v Speaker 1>to be together. Oh, bless. Not like that. In a

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<v Speaker 1>much more sexually aggressive way.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh, really?

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, not in a great way.

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<v Speaker 2>And like what? What did he say?

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<v Speaker 1>Oh, he was like, oh, now you're my plaything and

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<v Speaker 1>side piece. He was married. He had a wife. Oh.

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<v Speaker 1>But then said he hadn't had sex with her in

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<v Speaker 1>30 years. And, like, it was really awkward because he

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<v Speaker 1>also brought me gifts that his wife had knitted. I'm sorry.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm sorry. This is highly inappropriate to be laughing at.

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<v Speaker 2>But just that whole scenario.

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<v Speaker 1>But I wonder if she knew and she was like,

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<v Speaker 1>thank you for taking him off my plate.

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<v Speaker 2>I don't think she's doing that with saying thank you

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<v Speaker 2>with crocheting.

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<v Speaker 1>They were some nice beanies. And so I accepted them.

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<v Speaker 2>So did you see him more than once?

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<v Speaker 1>The story gets... Oh, my God. He was then quite

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<v Speaker 1>forceful in his language... being like, okay, well, I'm seeing

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<v Speaker 1>you again tomorrow. And I was like, oh, my God.

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<v Speaker 1>And it was just like he was definitely very possessive.

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<v Speaker 2>Wow.

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<v Speaker 1>And he was tiny. He was this tiny, tiny guy.

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<v Speaker 1>So I felt safe because I'm like a breeze would

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<v Speaker 1>blow it over.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>But he was just the way he was talking about

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<v Speaker 1>me and the way he wanted me to respond to everything,

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<v Speaker 1>it was just really uncomfortable. And I just was like,

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<v Speaker 1>just say yes and get him out of the house.

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<v Speaker 1>I was like, yes, absolutely. Oh, absolutely. Like I'm never

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<v Speaker 1>actually going to see him again. And so I said

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<v Speaker 1>yes to everything and then he leaves and then he's

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<v Speaker 1>texting me constantly. Really? All the time. And I just, well,

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't respond. I was just like, oh, no.

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<v Speaker 2>I would have blocked his ass.

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<v Speaker 1>No time. So about three weeks goes past.

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<v Speaker 2>After you've completely ghosted him.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah. I had said to him, look, I'm actually not

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<v Speaker 1>doing this anymore. Oh, fair, cool. So thank you for your.

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<v Speaker 1>dust you know yep anyway not for me but i

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<v Speaker 1>was still doing it and so i was taking bookings

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<v Speaker 1>and then i just got a booking and they arrived

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<v Speaker 1>and i was at the door and there he was

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<v Speaker 1>and i was like what it was a different number

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<v Speaker 1>and then he was so happy he was like gotcha

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<v Speaker 1>and i'm sitting there going oh my god he goes

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<v Speaker 1>i got a new sim card got a different number

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<v Speaker 1>because you weren't answering my old one and i was

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<v Speaker 1>like what is wrong with this guy and i was

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<v Speaker 1>like That's scary shit. That was scary. And I didn't

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<v Speaker 1>know what to do because he just sort of walked

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<v Speaker 1>in and then he was all over me. I'm like,

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<v Speaker 1>oh my God, oh my God, I don't know what

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<v Speaker 1>to do. And then he just walked straight to my bedroom.

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<v Speaker 1>I was like, oh my God, what's happening? He was

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<v Speaker 1>real forceful there. Like really like... Why did you lie?

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<v Speaker 1>You've got to say yes. And like, just real, nothing like,

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<v Speaker 1>it wasn't raping.

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<v Speaker 2>No.

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<v Speaker 1>I mean, although I didn't want to do it, I

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<v Speaker 1>just did it to get it over and done with.

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<v Speaker 1>And then I was like, okay, see ya. And he

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<v Speaker 1>wouldn't leave until I like agreed to commit to him.

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<v Speaker 1>It was weird. And I was just like, get out

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<v Speaker 1>of my house.

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<v Speaker 2>At any stage did you say, hang on, I don't

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<v Speaker 2>like this. This is not for me.

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<v Speaker 1>No, no, no.

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<v Speaker 2>You need to go.

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<v Speaker 1>My language was initially I was not going to say

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<v Speaker 1>yes to things. This is going to get me into

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<v Speaker 1>more hot water. So I was like, no, no. So

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<v Speaker 1>I won't accept that as an answer. You've got to

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<v Speaker 1>say yes. I was like, oh, well, you know, I've

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<v Speaker 1>got it. No, no. And so I was just like,

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<v Speaker 1>I just need this to be over. Yes. Good. And

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<v Speaker 1>then it wrapped up and I was just like, what

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<v Speaker 1>the fuck? I can't believe he got a new SIM card. Anyway,

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<v Speaker 1>so he messages me again. And I'm like, I need

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<v Speaker 1>to shut this down. I actually stopped doing it completely

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<v Speaker 1>after that.

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<v Speaker 2>Wow.

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<v Speaker 1>So I think he may have died, hopefully. He was

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<v Speaker 1>that old. I've rejoined and he hasn't messaged. But he

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<v Speaker 1>was like, when are you back? I was generally going

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<v Speaker 1>to Sydney. I think we were, I think we may

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<v Speaker 1>have been doing something for a period of time or

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<v Speaker 1>was going away. And I was like, oh, I'll be back,

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<v Speaker 1>you know. And then I gave up. I lied and

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<v Speaker 1>I said I was going to Sydney for six months.

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<v Speaker 1>And then sure enough, six months later, he's like, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>you said you'd be home exactly at this time. He

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<v Speaker 1>messaged me exactly on the day I said I'd be home.

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<v Speaker 1>Fake be home.

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<v Speaker 2>That's scary shit.

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<v Speaker 1>And so I said, oh, my God, I'm actually not home.

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<v Speaker 1>I found a life partner and I got engaged and

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<v Speaker 1>married and I'm now living in Sydney. So I just

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<v Speaker 1>pretended to be married. And he was like, oh, that's

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<v Speaker 1>really disappointing. Let me know if you're ever back. And

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<v Speaker 1>the only reason why I'll be able to know if

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<v Speaker 1>he texts me again is because, and I can't believe

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't pick up on this, He's so old he

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<v Speaker 1>doesn't know how to use the space bar, so he

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<v Speaker 1>used a full stop as a space. And he's the

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<v Speaker 1>only one that I've ever seen do that. And those

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<v Speaker 1>two messages.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh, well, there you go. You'll know next time. Well,

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<v Speaker 2>that's very scary. This was only recently.

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<v Speaker 1>This was 18 months ago. Wow.

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<v Speaker 2>Well, that is scary.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah. Did you put the card away again? Oh, my God.

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<v Speaker 1>Please read that. You okay? It looks like you've got

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<v Speaker 1>a notification on your phone. Are you pretending that you've

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<v Speaker 1>got a notification to get out of this segment?

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<v Speaker 2>Have I ever seduced someone?

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<v Speaker 1>Well, yes. Or did Rick seduce you?

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<v Speaker 2>Did Rick seduce me? Did I seduce him? I think

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<v Speaker 2>it was a mutual thing, actually.

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<v Speaker 1>You seduced each other.

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<v Speaker 2>We met at Hill Street, which is a nightclub in Sydney, right?

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<v Speaker 1>Oh, no, I can imagine.

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<v Speaker 2>And this is a really funny story because he and

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<v Speaker 2>I were on the edges of the dance floor and

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<v Speaker 2>in the middle of the dance floor was this guy

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<v Speaker 2>in a safari suit.

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<v Speaker 1>Bob Down.

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<v Speaker 2>No, we love Bob Down. If you've ever watched Seinfeld,

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<v Speaker 2>you'll know there's a guy that used to wear it.

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<v Speaker 2>So he and I were looking at each other laughing

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<v Speaker 2>because we were connecting of what was going on. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 2>Ricardo fell pretty hard, poor bugger. He didn't have a chance.

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<v Speaker 2>I was in my prime then. I was in my

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<v Speaker 2>absolute prime. I looked great. But I let him hang

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<v Speaker 2>for about a week before I called him. And to

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<v Speaker 2>this day, he will swear black and blue, but he

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<v Speaker 2>didn't kiss me for six weeks. Six weeks.

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<v Speaker 1>That's a long time.

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<v Speaker 2>I agree with you. He will say I'm lying.

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<v Speaker 1>Abstinent for six weeks?

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<v Speaker 2>No, that did not happen, but six weeks.

0:10:30.891 --> 0:10:32.631
<v Speaker 1>Well, what's his recollection? He's like, oh, it was at

0:10:32.651 --> 0:10:33.211
<v Speaker 1>least a year.

0:10:33.411 --> 0:10:37.251
<v Speaker 2>No, he reckons it was a lot sooner than that.

0:10:37.271 --> 0:10:38.611
<v Speaker 2>And I said, well, I don't believe it was.

0:10:38.631 --> 0:10:41.151
<v Speaker 1>Do you know what that is? What? He was playing

0:10:41.331 --> 0:10:42.411
<v Speaker 1>multiple people at the same time.

0:10:42.451 --> 0:10:45.691
<v Speaker 2>Probably. Probably was. But no, we, yeah, that was our

0:10:45.711 --> 0:10:46.491
<v Speaker 2>little love story.

0:10:47.641 --> 0:10:49.261
<v Speaker 1>Our little seduction of each other.

0:10:50.161 --> 0:10:51.181
<v Speaker 2>Boring, he's saying.

0:10:51.241 --> 0:10:53.041
<v Speaker 1>No, no, I just think it's sweet.

0:10:53.061 --> 0:10:57.341
<v Speaker 2>It doesn't quite get up to your standards of your 86-year-old.

0:10:57.621 --> 0:11:01.221
<v Speaker 1>My seduction is sending nudes to someone. It's a seduction.

0:11:01.301 --> 0:11:04.461
<v Speaker 1>I mean, it works 15% of the time. 15% of

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<v Speaker 1>the time it works every time.

0:11:07.361 --> 0:11:11.961
<v Speaker 2>Are you a taxidermist? Because I'd pay to stuff my beaver.

0:11:12.491 --> 0:11:14.801
<v Speaker 2>Because I'd pay you to stuff my beaver.

0:11:14.821 --> 0:11:17.971
<v Speaker 1>Wow, your delivery is so on point. Oh, dear me.