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Speaker 1: Apodjay Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashy

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Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana.

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Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to

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Speaker 2: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.

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Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.

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Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone

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Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.

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Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level of self.

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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to she Rises with your favorite

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Speaker 1: hosts Ashley and Tiana. We've got a bit of a

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Speaker 1: rogue episode today.

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Speaker 2: We love going rogue.

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Speaker 1: It's gonna be deep though it's a lot of random questions.

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Speaker 1: We've got ol chatchpt to help us out. We just

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Speaker 1: thought we'd do, yeah, something really different and ask some

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Speaker 1: really deep, outside the box questions. And then you guys

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Speaker 1: can take these questions and ask them within your friendship.

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Speaker 2: Group, with your partner. Whatever.

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Speaker 1: Just helps get to know each other on a deeper

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Speaker 1: level and it's fun.

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Speaker 2: And as you guys know, like, we love we love conversation,

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Speaker 2: we loved airiosy, we love vulnerability, and we love depth.

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Speaker 2: So this is just a way for us to explore

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Speaker 2: new things that we wouldn't normally ask each other. And

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Speaker 2: it also will give you permission to bring this kind

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Speaker 2: of depth into your everyday life too, you know, like

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Speaker 2: what kind of conversations are you having when you're having

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Speaker 2: dinner with your girlfriends when you're out? Can like start

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Speaker 2: inviting deeper conversations and get vulnerable and.

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Speaker 1: You'll learn more about yourself too, because these are questions

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Speaker 1: you probably haven't been asked before. I'm scared, all right,

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Speaker 1: first one, Tiana, what we're in from your past still

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Speaker 1: silently shapes your choices today.

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Speaker 2: I've spoken about the video a lot on the podcast

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Speaker 2: a fair few times, but I would say that situation

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Speaker 2: it makes me think about consequences of my actions because

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Speaker 2: in that moment when I allowed the video to be filmed,

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Speaker 2: I said that I wanted to be deleted after and

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Speaker 2: then I didn't stand true to it, like I wasn't

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Speaker 2: strong in my no, and then it kind of just

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Speaker 2: like it bit me in the ass. Later on. It

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Speaker 2: made me realize that every decision that I make can

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Speaker 2: possibly have a negative consequence, and so I think it

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Speaker 2: shapes the way that I make decisions now, where I

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Speaker 2: logically think through things, especially if it's big, especially if

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Speaker 2: it is significant in my life, I will make sure

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Speaker 2: that I make a smart decision before I make them.

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Speaker 2: And it's not with everything. I'm not super strict on it.

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Speaker 2: But it definitely shapes the way that I move now

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Speaker 2: because of how much pain it caused me when I

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Speaker 2: went through that video. So when that happened, it completely

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Speaker 2: changed my life. Changed the way that I show up,

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Speaker 2: how I trust people, how I make decisions, all of

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Speaker 2: that sort of stuff. So I would say that that's

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Speaker 2: how it still plays out in my life. Now. Do

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Speaker 2: you think that's a positive thing though?

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Speaker 1: It's a positive thing things through, Yeah, it definitely does

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Speaker 1: so willy nilly, you know.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a good way to be. I think it is.

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Speaker 2: But everything in moderation, you know. I think to some

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Speaker 2: degree the video made me go the complete opposite way,

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Speaker 2: where it was like I was free and frivolous and

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Speaker 2: like the Gemini and me loved freedom and play and

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Speaker 2: adventure and all these things. And I think that experience

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Speaker 2: also shut me off to those things too, because I

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Speaker 2: was like, well, I'm not allowed to have fun. I'm

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Speaker 2: not allowed to have fun. I'm not allowed to be

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Speaker 2: silly or playful or like mischievous or any of those things.

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Speaker 1: You know.

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Speaker 2: So I think everything in moderation. But I definitely think

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Speaker 2: it has benefited me a lot since that happened, because

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Speaker 2: it become a better version of myself, you know, a

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Speaker 2: more agile, more clute on when it comes to other

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Speaker 2: people's behavior, when it comes to my own, how I feel,

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Speaker 2: what I want, what I believe in. It's made me

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Speaker 2: stronger in my voice. Yeah, and that I wouldn't change

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Speaker 2: it for the world. Love that. What's the ugliest thought

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Speaker 2: you've ever had about yourself? The ugliest? It's an interesting word.

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Speaker 2: It is like a nastier, mean, not just ugly thought

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Speaker 2: about yourself. You're just like, oh, that's scary, just.

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Speaker 1: That, like I'm not worthy of being here, Like no

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Speaker 1: one will care if I'm not here anymore. Yeah, when

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Speaker 1: I was going through a really dark time online, that's

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Speaker 1: really the ugliest. I use that word often, but the ugliest, Yeah, darkest,

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Speaker 1: saddest thought for sure, that no one will care if

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Speaker 1: I'm not here.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, Oh my god, I'm going to cry. Oh.

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Speaker 1: I got told that so much online too. You know,

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Speaker 1: I don't believe that anymore. Yeah, the world wouldn't be

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Speaker 1: as cool without meaning.

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Speaker 2: Oh, oh my god, you just got me. Oh, not

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Speaker 2: gone anyway. I would fucking care. Yeah, I know you would. Sorry,

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Speaker 2: good you just went around back then, babe?

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Speaker 1: No, what on when you're in that state though, you

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Speaker 1: honestly are not thinking about anyone else, You're so in

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Speaker 1: your own thoughts and such this dark thing. Like I

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Speaker 1: had Targe at the time, I had Steve, I had friends,

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Speaker 1: my mum, But you feel like such a burden that

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Speaker 1: you feel like they would be better off without you.

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Speaker 1: Like I felt like I was just in such a

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Speaker 1: dark hole that I was a nuisance to be around,

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Speaker 1: Like not annoying, but a burden. It was just this

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Speaker 1: dark cloud that hovered wherever I went.

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Speaker 2: It was just not good.

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Speaker 1: So that's how I felt my own head and my

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Speaker 1: own body.

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Speaker 2: I felt like this.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I obviously thought Steve and Taj would be upset,

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Speaker 1: but I was like, well, and growing up watching me

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Speaker 1: be so miserable, is it good for him either? Yeah?

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Speaker 2: It was like the stories you were telling yourself about Wow,

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Speaker 2: this makes sense in my head.

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Speaker 1: You start to justify it. Even for online trolling. I

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Speaker 1: was like, oh, if I leave, that'll be the reason why,

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Speaker 1: because it'll make them stop it'll make them think before

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Speaker 1: they do this to someone else. I will save lives

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Speaker 1: by not being here because if I go and it's

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Speaker 1: because of what they've done to me, they won't do

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Speaker 1: it to someone else.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, they'll realize the consequences.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, but there's light in my death. You know, it'll

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Speaker 1: stand for something. And I started like telling myself those stories. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I think i'd ever go down that path again. From

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Speaker 1: that experience, I've grown so much and I know my

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Speaker 1: worth and I know why I'm here.

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Speaker 2: I know how loved I am. I feel so loved.

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Speaker 2: That's good. Yeah, because you've been there before and you've

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Speaker 2: gotten yourself out, you know not to go there again. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: it's like you know how not.

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Speaker 1: Oh Yeah, if I ever even start to feel slightly

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Speaker 1: off center or down and have any negative thoughts, I've

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Speaker 1: got so many tools around my belt and so much

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Speaker 1: support around, and I just know how to get myself out.

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Speaker 1: It doesn't mean life's not hard or heavy, or they

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Speaker 1: don't stress or worry about life finances or kids or health, or.

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Speaker 2: Go through anything that feels challenging or mentally that mentally

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Speaker 2: rocks you so much.

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Speaker 1: I just know how to keep myself afloat feeling good

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Speaker 1: or even just okay to get through. Yeah, which is

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Speaker 1: probably why I am so resilient and have that because

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Speaker 1: of all that I went through, which is where the

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Speaker 1: gratitude comes in. Yeah, so I don't take any of

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Speaker 1: it back, but also wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy.

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Speaker 2: Yeah of course. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: When was the last time you betrayed yourself in order

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Speaker 1: to keep someone else happy?

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Speaker 2: Big one ex partner? Oh yes, yeah, for like a

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Speaker 2: good year and a half. Yeah, you know, I betrayed

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Speaker 2: what it was that I knew was right for me,

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Speaker 2: but I was choosing not to pay attention to it

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Speaker 2: because I wanted to believe what I was telling myself,

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Speaker 2: and so I wanted to believe the best of the situation,

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Speaker 2: and so in doing that, I abandoned my intuition, and

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Speaker 2: I've abandoned what I knew logically was right to do

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Speaker 2: because I wanted to believe in the love that I felt.

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Speaker 2: So that was a big way that I abandoned myself,

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Speaker 2: and that was a while ago now, and then little ways,

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Speaker 2: probably just with people who are like acquaintances, if I've

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Speaker 2: ever like spent time catching up with them when like

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Speaker 2: I really didn't have the capacity or I didn't want to,

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Speaker 2: but I was like, I've already booked it in. I

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Speaker 2: feel guilty. I don't want to say no now. So

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Speaker 2: I think probably like at least like five or six

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Speaker 2: weeks ago, I did that, and I'm sure there are

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Speaker 2: other little ways that I still do. But that's kind

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Speaker 2: of the first thing that poked into my head. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: you know, when I'm on the weekend. I've been saying

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Speaker 2: this to you a lot lately. With the weekends and

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Speaker 2: now my time for myself, Like I'll see you guys

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Speaker 2: and the girls and stuff in the mornings and we'll

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Speaker 2: go for walks and all that sort of stuff. But

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Speaker 2: for a big chunk of like Sundays, I kind of

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Speaker 2: just want to go inward and have like a loan

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Speaker 2: time so I can recharge and reset for the rest

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Speaker 2: of the roads, you know. And then there was a

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Speaker 2: before BALI I booked in like so many different social

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Speaker 2: things and I was like, oh my god, like I

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Speaker 2: don't have the capacity for this. Yes, too many things. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: so I definitely abandon myself in that sense. And you

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Speaker 2: do it differently now you're more aware of it. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: so I would just say no now yeah, you know,

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Speaker 2: or really trying to catch myself not saying yes immediately yes,

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Speaker 2: and then coming back and just seeing how I feel first. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: let me just check in with myself first, and then

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Speaker 2: I can make a decision. Yeah, and it comes from

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Speaker 2: a grounded place. And then I never taint any relationship

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Speaker 2: or friendship or whatever. Yeah, whoever, just because I wanted

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Speaker 2: to say yes first. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: It's such a hard thing, is that Because you never

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Speaker 1: want to upset anyone ever, want to.

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Speaker 2: Let people down.

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Speaker 1: And if it's important to them and you can see

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Speaker 1: it makes them happy and they want you there. You

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Speaker 1: can just love a girl and he just wants to Yeah,

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Speaker 1: of course I'll be there for you. Yes, you know,

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Speaker 1: I always ask myself at the cost of what yes,

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Speaker 1: and for me to have time away from my.

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Speaker 2: Kids, it's got to be so worth it, and it's

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Speaker 2: really got to be a big yes. Yeah, you're big

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Speaker 2: on that.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm going to go hang out with whoever or

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Speaker 1: do whatever. Like I get invited all the time to

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Speaker 1: like events for brands. I was like, no, when you

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Speaker 1: hang out with a bunch of strangers, Yeah, on a

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Speaker 1: week night or a Saturday night or my weekend, do

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Speaker 1: I hang around and get a couple of photos. No

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Speaker 1: before I can. Yeah, not anymore easy. Not When you

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Speaker 1: know your values, it's easy to say not to that stuff.

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Speaker 1: I suppose friends stuff's harder because you love them and

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Speaker 1: you don't want to disappoint them and let them down.

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Speaker 2: True, But then I feel like when you have a

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Speaker 2: good enough relationship, you can just be honest about how

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Speaker 2: your friends like, I mean, at least us, Yeah, I

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Speaker 2: reference us and being like of course, like, of course,

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Speaker 2: take your time. You need some time yourself, I go

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Speaker 2: get it. Yeah. Yeah, wish you were there every ye. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: who broke your heart in a way you never fully

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Speaker 2: healed from. Oh I can't say a boy, Yeah, it

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Speaker 2: doesn't have to be romantic. Probably a friend yeah.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, that I didn't get any closure from or just

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Speaker 1: ended in a way that I never would have expected.

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Speaker 1: I just think my friendship's going to be forever, you know.

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Speaker 1: So when they don't and there is a reason or

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Speaker 1: there isn't a reason, that was unexpected, yeah, I feel

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Speaker 1: heartbroken from that.

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Speaker 2: Sure, it's definitely a hard thing to go through when

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Speaker 2: you don't have closure from somebody. I feel like it

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Speaker 2: makes you more anxious and more like angsty. I don't

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Speaker 2: know the word, but you know, it makes you like, oh,

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Speaker 2: like I just want a response and I want closure, closure,

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Speaker 2: you know, And it doesn't feel hard because if the

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Speaker 2: roles were reversed, you would so easily give that to

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Speaker 2: them or have a conversation or be open and honest

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Speaker 2: with them. But then when somebody doesn't give you that

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Speaker 2: same respect and do that back, it feels really hard

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Speaker 2: to see with because you just can't understand.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and someone that you loved so much and I

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Speaker 1: had my heart love my friends so fucking much much.

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Speaker 1: There've been my lifeline since I was young. I've always

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Speaker 1: really valued friendships and poured a lot into friendships.

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Speaker 2: So someone that you have in.

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Speaker 1: Your life for so long that then intentionally does something

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Speaker 1: to hurt you, that's pretty heartbreaking. Yeah. I had that

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Speaker 1: recently and that was really really hard heart build a

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Speaker 1: swallow to watch witness.

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Speaker 2: Feel have to believe that they would do that.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, even everyone around me like I can't believe

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Speaker 1: I've seen this, Like what's happening? And I'm like I

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Speaker 1: don't know.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I genuinely can't understand, like how it got to

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Speaker 2: that point.

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Speaker 1: No, that's really hard and heartbreaking.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's sad.

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Speaker 1: It is heartbreaks is sad in general. Hey, I feel

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Speaker 1: like we all experience in different ways, whether it's from

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Speaker 1: a relationship, a friendship, family, family like can be a parent,

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Speaker 1: a sibling.

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Speaker 2: The top three ones. Yeah, family relationships, friendships, all of

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Speaker 2: them are so heartbreaking and so hard to come to

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Speaker 2: terms with.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, Like I don't feel heartbroken from my stepdad or

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Speaker 1: my father. And then yeah, I've had beautiful partners and

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Speaker 1: I was the one that ended my first partner, So definitely,

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Speaker 1: friendship for me is more of a sof spot.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, we all have our things, feel like yours

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Speaker 2: is friendships, mind's relationship. Yeah, we always talk about this.

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Speaker 1: Hey, we've got similar wounds and the same emotions come up.

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Speaker 1: But yours is in intimate relationships and mine is with friendship. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's like the exact same thing, which is why we

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Speaker 1: both understand it. We know how each other feels when

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Speaker 1: it comes up.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's why I just hang out with you. I'm kidding.

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Speaker 2: I have lots of other good friends as well.

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Speaker 1: Okay, if everything you've built disappeared tomorrow, who would you

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Speaker 1: be without your achievements?

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Speaker 2: I mean, I can answer that, But just who I

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Speaker 2: am without my achievements, I don't know how I stands

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Speaker 2: for that. How would you describe yourself? Loyal? Yeah, committed, free, adventurous, love, honest, direct,

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Speaker 2: integris Is that a word? Integral? Integral? Yeah, loving, caring,

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Speaker 2: good listener, thank you. We keep going more to be

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Speaker 2: good to me as she's doing this thing you can't

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Speaker 2: see right now.

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Speaker 1: But miss Rachel where she goes more. It's like sign

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Speaker 1: language for kids, and oh my god.

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Speaker 2: It's so funny and now we'd like do it enough readship.

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Speaker 2: She's like more please everything.

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Speaker 1: If it's like more young food, more. If we're talking

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Speaker 1: about sex, we're like more. Yeah, talking about I don't know, last,

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Speaker 1: we're like more, like.

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Speaker 2: You know, one of us is complementing each other, like more, Yes,

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Speaker 2: so good, it's so funny.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think so much without your joke, Like I

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Speaker 1: don't even really think about your achievements.

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Speaker 2: Who you are is like, don't get me wrong. I

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Speaker 2: love the part of me that's ambitious and driven and

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Speaker 2: wants big things and has big vision thinking and all

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Speaker 2: first things. But I still think there's a lot to

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Speaker 2: me outside of those things. Like I define myself as

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Speaker 2: what I'm currently doing. I'm a person. Yeah, I'm a

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Speaker 2: woman who like loves people and loves connection and depth

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Speaker 2: and adventure and freedom and variety and experiences and exploration. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: that's how I described myself. That's cool.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, when I was going through the peak in my career,

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Speaker 1: I thought that's all I was was my achievements, my success. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: kind of lost who I was because it's just like

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Speaker 1: everything I'm achieving and that's what I got. Connection and

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Speaker 1: praise and love and people in my life and opportunities

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Speaker 1: and mem reasons like this big highlight reel of achievements

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Speaker 1: and just all the coolest things in life that everyone

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Speaker 1: supposedly wants I had. Yeah, but then once it like

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Speaker 1: settled down and I've got more ground and I've grown,

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Speaker 1: it's like, wow, that stuff just not important, Like it's cool,

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Speaker 1: I'd love it so, but who is actually underneath all

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Speaker 1: of that? And it's like, yeah, it's been cool to

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Speaker 1: get to know her the last couple of years.

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Speaker 2: I feel like you've really done that a lot, especially

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Speaker 2: in the last like twelve months.

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Speaker 1: Last twelve months especially, Hey, yeah, you didn't know me

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Speaker 1: twelve months ago.

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Speaker 2: You do not know me at all. I love that

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Speaker 2: it's the best thing ever, so much, so true.

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Speaker 1: It's so true, like for you've not spoken or you

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Speaker 1: haven't caught up with me, you actually don't know me.

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Speaker 2: You know of the right to say that you know.

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Speaker 1: Me that it's annoying when people hold onto things like

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Speaker 1: years ago. It's like things change, Yeah, it will change,

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Speaker 1: it's changed. I didn't know you if I haven't seen

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Speaker 1: you in twelve months. Yeah, I'm going to hang on

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Speaker 1: to things you did five years ago.

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Speaker 2: But it's also like I'm not offended because I'm a

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Speaker 2: different person now. Literally, it's all good. It is so

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Speaker 2: easy to do, though, when you attached, because you attach

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Speaker 2: yourself to an identity when you start a roll. Yes,

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Speaker 2: you know, like I've said this to you before, Like

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Speaker 2: I attached my identity to coach, you know. And for

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Speaker 2: the longest time, which is interesting because when I answered

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Speaker 2: that question, I didn't feel like I was going to

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Speaker 2: answer it that way. But for the longest time, I

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Speaker 2: always thought, like, coach Tiana, this is my identity, this

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Speaker 2: is all I am. But I think I've just been

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Speaker 2: exploring myself a lot more lately. Yeah, then I'm just like, oh,

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Speaker 2: I'm so much more than that I'm not just one thing.

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Speaker 2: You know how I describe myself in one word duality?

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Speaker 2: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you though, Yeah yeah,

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Speaker 2: yeah that's cool. Duality.

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Speaker 1: Love that I feel like I am all things, all things,

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Speaker 1: many hats, yeah yeah, behind closed doors, hat, in the bedroom, studio, hat,

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00:14:45,761 --> 00:14:48,361
Speaker 1: as a coach, all of it. Yeah, so many courtferen

349
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Speaker 1: has to get to a hair and they're all fun

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Speaker 1: and different, so fun and all appropriate for whatever situational.

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Speaker 2: Mood You're absolutely switch. And the freedom to be able

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Speaker 2: to do that, freedom without shame. Oh, because I spent

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Speaker 2: my whole life boxing myself into being one way, which

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Speaker 2: is quote unquote perfect. Yeah. It was fucking miserable. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: all bored and boring. Much more fun now, Yeah. What

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Speaker 2: part of love scares you more? Being fully seen or

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Speaker 2: being fully abandoned?

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Speaker 1: Abandoned for sure. I don't have a problem with being seen.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I just love it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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00:15:21,201 --> 00:15:23,481
Speaker 2: I feel like I show all of me. I'm not

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Speaker 2: afraid of that. But being abandoned, yeah, you do do

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Speaker 2: that really well, even to social media in real life,

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00:15:30,641 --> 00:15:33,161
Speaker 2: very authentically yourself. Yeah, I am and a hide march. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: What you see is what you get with you. I

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Speaker 2: would find it harder to hide. That'd be exhausting. It

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Speaker 2: is exhausting.

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Speaker 1: I would not be able to continue to show up

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Speaker 1: online if I was hiding lots of energy out trying

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Speaker 1: to a mask. Just not for me, but being abandoned

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Speaker 1: yet that scares me so much.

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Speaker 2: What do you think is about being abandoned that is

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Speaker 2: so terrifying to you? Like courts the stories, how does

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Speaker 2: it make you feel just that I'm not wanted? Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 2: it's someone better than me.

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Speaker 1: Cool enough, I'm not fun enough. Yeah, I'm too much.

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Speaker 1: There's lots of stories that come up.

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00:16:04,001 --> 00:16:06,961
Speaker 2: It's an abandoned Yeah, definitely a big wound for a

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Speaker 2: lot of people.

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Speaker 1: It definitely must have stemmed from my father and him

381
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Speaker 1: leaving when I was a baby, for sure. When you

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Speaker 1: have other situations that kind of replicate that same story,

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Speaker 1: you're like, oh, that happens, like it strengthens the story.

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00:16:18,521 --> 00:16:20,321
Speaker 2: Yeah, then you get attached to it. You got to

385
00:16:20,361 --> 00:16:22,401
Speaker 2: have awareness around because it's not the truth. Yeah, and

386
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Speaker 2: then you're like, this is the only way that it happens.

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00:16:24,481 --> 00:16:25,521
Speaker 2: But that's so not true.

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Speaker 1: That a lesson keeps getting repeated until you learn it

389
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Speaker 1: too is obviously like wisdom in something that keeps happening. Yeah,

390
00:16:31,521 --> 00:16:34,121
Speaker 1: there's a reason why, and.

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Speaker 2: That reason it is hard to sit with because you

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Speaker 2: don't want those things to be happening, and you're like, oh,

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Speaker 2: I'm trying to find a lesson and trying to be

394
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Speaker 2: you know, all the things, but you're just like fuck this.

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00:16:42,521 --> 00:16:43,961
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was like what did you teach when I

396
00:16:43,961 --> 00:16:45,841
Speaker 1: was in Switzerland? It's about something And you're like, you

397
00:16:45,921 --> 00:16:48,361
Speaker 1: kind of create a similar environment from your childhood because

398
00:16:48,361 --> 00:16:51,121
Speaker 1: that's what feels comfortable. Yes, if it's chaos, you feel

399
00:16:51,121 --> 00:16:53,641
Speaker 1: more comfortable in chaos. When it's a too calm and safe,

400
00:16:54,041 --> 00:16:55,801
Speaker 1: it feels uncomfortable.

401
00:16:55,881 --> 00:16:57,641
Speaker 2: Like if you grew up in chaos or you're used

402
00:16:57,641 --> 00:16:59,841
Speaker 2: to having abusive relationships, when you go to the first

403
00:16:59,841 --> 00:17:03,401
Speaker 2: save relationship, you're going to sabotage it, yeah, because you're like, well, one,

404
00:17:03,441 --> 00:17:05,561
Speaker 2: this is boring, this is not right, something is wrong

405
00:17:05,641 --> 00:17:09,401
Speaker 2: because it's unfamiliar. Yes, you will create a familiar chaos

406
00:17:09,441 --> 00:17:10,840
Speaker 2: over an unfamiliar piece.

407
00:17:10,721 --> 00:17:13,681
Speaker 1: And you do things to get a need met. Yeah,

408
00:17:13,721 --> 00:17:16,001
Speaker 1: So what are you getting out of the relationships breaking

409
00:17:16,041 --> 00:17:16,521
Speaker 1: down or whatever?

410
00:17:16,521 --> 00:17:18,400
Speaker 2: It is? It's significant? Is it connection? Is it growth?

411
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:21,480
Speaker 1: If it's sympathy is a validation and you might be

412
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Speaker 1: unconsciously doing that because it's a survival need. You think

413
00:17:24,801 --> 00:17:27,401
Speaker 1: you need that, you feel like uncertain without it.

414
00:17:27,561 --> 00:17:29,440
Speaker 2: And that's a conversation that's hard for people to have

415
00:17:29,481 --> 00:17:33,400
Speaker 2: as well, because consciously admitting that you want a bad

416
00:17:33,441 --> 00:17:35,880
Speaker 2: situation to happen because you're getting a need met is

417
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:39,561
Speaker 2: something that takes a lot of open mindedness. Yeah, it's

418
00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:42,521
Speaker 2: like for you to like really settle your ego that

419
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:44,161
Speaker 2: wants to buy it back and that I would never

420
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Speaker 2: do that. Why would I want that to happen. I

421
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:47,720
Speaker 2: wouldn't ever want that. Yeah you think I want this?

422
00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:49,561
Speaker 1: Yeah? You think I wanted that kind of Yeah, not

423
00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:50,880
Speaker 1: at all, that bad thing to happen.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, Well that's the deeper work, that's really deep shadow work,

425
00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:54,961
Speaker 2: shadow work.

426
00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:56,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, Yeah, I feel like a lot of people have

427
00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:57,840
Speaker 1: dived into that kind of work.

428
00:17:57,880 --> 00:18:00,761
Speaker 2: But it's hectic, Yeah, it is hectic. Half as very upfronting,

429
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:02,801
Speaker 2: it's very confronting. Yeah, it's very freeing.

430
00:18:03,001 --> 00:18:06,400
Speaker 1: Yeah, if your life ended tomorrow, what would you most

431
00:18:06,441 --> 00:18:08,400
Speaker 1: regret not saying? And to who?

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00:18:08,961 --> 00:18:10,801
Speaker 2: Oh this is a hard one for me to answer.

433
00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:15,640
Speaker 2: I don't think there's anything super significant that I've held back. Yeah, cool,

434
00:18:15,721 --> 00:18:19,521
Speaker 2: you know that's good. Yeah. If anything has hurt me significantly,

435
00:18:19,761 --> 00:18:22,480
Speaker 2: I've voiced it. If I love people, I voice it.

436
00:18:22,761 --> 00:18:23,840
Speaker 2: Do you know what I mean? So, like, I don't

437
00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:25,721
Speaker 2: know if there's anything that I feel like I've held back.

438
00:18:25,801 --> 00:18:27,400
Speaker 2: That's cool. Not at the top of my head a

439
00:18:27,441 --> 00:18:29,400
Speaker 2: lest Yeah, I come back to that, Okay. If anything

440
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:30,401
Speaker 2: pops up before we end this.

441
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:33,400
Speaker 1: Episode, yeah, mine would be that I still want to

442
00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:35,680
Speaker 1: know why my father left. But like, I don't know

443
00:18:35,721 --> 00:18:37,160
Speaker 1: if I want to have that conversation, open up the

444
00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:38,640
Speaker 1: can of worms. I don't know if he'd even be

445
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:41,041
Speaker 1: open to that conversation, but I'd love to hear his

446
00:18:41,241 --> 00:18:43,961
Speaker 1: version where he was at. Yeah, what went through his head?

447
00:18:44,521 --> 00:18:46,680
Speaker 1: Was there times throughout the last thirty odd years and

448
00:18:46,721 --> 00:18:49,201
Speaker 1: we ever thought about us? Oh shit, I just left

449
00:18:49,281 --> 00:18:53,041
Speaker 1: my baby and my nearly two year old son with

450
00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:55,840
Speaker 1: their mother. Yeah, no worries, Like my mom didn't have

451
00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:58,121
Speaker 1: to fight for forms to be signed for full custody.

452
00:18:58,120 --> 00:19:00,161
Speaker 1: He was like, yeah, no worries, Yeah, sign them away.

453
00:19:00,201 --> 00:19:01,960
Speaker 2: She was like, oh that was easy. Yeah, Like understand

454
00:19:02,001 --> 00:19:04,001
Speaker 2: what he was Yeah, at the time of his life,

455
00:19:04,201 --> 00:19:06,761
Speaker 2: I'd to have been something there had been something going

456
00:19:06,761 --> 00:19:08,281
Speaker 2: on for him for him to fully just put his

457
00:19:08,321 --> 00:19:11,281
Speaker 2: hands up and walk away easily and never get back

458
00:19:11,321 --> 00:19:11,880
Speaker 2: in contact.

459
00:19:12,321 --> 00:19:16,121
Speaker 1: There's a story there. So I feel like when he passes,

460
00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:17,160
Speaker 1: there'll be a little part of me.

461
00:19:17,201 --> 00:19:19,841
Speaker 2: That's like, damn it. I reached out because the curiosity. Yeah,

462
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:22,720
Speaker 2: the curiosity. I know you're a curious cat. I'm so curious.

463
00:19:22,961 --> 00:19:25,400
Speaker 1: I want to understand humans and why they do what

464
00:19:25,441 --> 00:19:25,840
Speaker 1: they do.

465
00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:28,201
Speaker 2: You think that ever be something that you would want

466
00:19:28,241 --> 00:19:30,161
Speaker 2: to do. Yeah, I'm curious.

467
00:19:30,201 --> 00:19:34,080
Speaker 1: And my mum reached out to him on Facebook a

468
00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:36,640
Speaker 1: little while ago and just sent him photos of my

469
00:19:36,801 --> 00:19:40,080
Speaker 1: kids and he replied and said, did you ask Ash

470
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:41,001
Speaker 1: if she can send these?

471
00:19:41,281 --> 00:19:42,241
Speaker 2: That's the only thing he said?

472
00:19:42,721 --> 00:19:42,881
Speaker 1: Yeah?

473
00:19:42,921 --> 00:19:46,681
Speaker 2: Wow yeah, not like oh wow, they're my grandchildren, how beautiful?

474
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:51,281
Speaker 2: Nothing interesting? Yeah. Mom's like, ah, i'd have a that

475
00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:53,721
Speaker 2: soation with you, something to explore. Yeah, but I wonder

476
00:19:53,721 --> 00:19:55,761
Speaker 2: if he even reply to me. Some things he won't.

477
00:19:55,801 --> 00:19:57,641
Speaker 2: Would you be worried if he didn't respond?

478
00:19:57,681 --> 00:20:00,080
Speaker 1: Not really, because I'm attached to it, But even my

479
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:03,000
Speaker 1: hum told me recently, I was like, oh wow. So

480
00:20:03,241 --> 00:20:06,160
Speaker 1: I growing up always would go letterbox my birthday and

481
00:20:06,201 --> 00:20:08,000
Speaker 1: hope that he sent a letter and like want to

482
00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:10,641
Speaker 1: call him and just like is dad gonna da da da?

483
00:20:10,681 --> 00:20:14,001
Speaker 1: And asking him so many questions And my mum said

484
00:20:14,001 --> 00:20:18,201
Speaker 1: there was a point where he only wanted contact.

485
00:20:17,721 --> 00:20:18,561
Speaker 2: With Matt and not me.

486
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:21,840
Speaker 1: Oh but yeah, I think there would just be the

487
00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:23,880
Speaker 1: curious part of me and wanting to hear his story

488
00:20:23,921 --> 00:20:26,001
Speaker 1: because it is a story there. Yeah, but I almost

489
00:20:26,041 --> 00:20:28,240
Speaker 1: like I'd love to interview him and the like have

490
00:20:28,321 --> 00:20:30,681
Speaker 1: no relationship with him after you have said this for yeah,

491
00:20:30,721 --> 00:20:33,321
Speaker 1: because he's a stranger. Yeah, to build a relationship with

492
00:20:33,321 --> 00:20:36,041
Speaker 1: an old man that I don't know, you, like, you

493
00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:37,401
Speaker 1: have not been a part of my whole life.

494
00:20:37,721 --> 00:20:40,200
Speaker 2: You're literally a stranger. Yeah, you like don't have that

495
00:20:40,241 --> 00:20:43,601
Speaker 2: emotional connection with not one bit, just be pure curiosity,

496
00:20:43,681 --> 00:20:44,401
Speaker 2: pure questions.

497
00:20:44,521 --> 00:20:48,481
Speaker 1: Yeah, And like I honestly don't feel anger. I think

498
00:20:48,481 --> 00:20:50,760
Speaker 1: it's a bit strange. I think it's a bit sad,

499
00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:54,160
Speaker 1: but almost like you're lost to your grandkids, You're missing

500
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:57,160
Speaker 1: out on them, you know. Yeah, but I would be

501
00:20:57,241 --> 00:20:59,001
Speaker 1: able to interview him and.

502
00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:00,921
Speaker 2: Say yeah, wow.

503
00:21:01,041 --> 00:21:02,360
Speaker 1: And like when he dies, I'm like, do I go

504
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:02,960
Speaker 1: to his funeral?

505
00:21:03,041 --> 00:21:04,961
Speaker 2: Is that just weird? Would you feel sad if you

506
00:21:05,201 --> 00:21:06,801
Speaker 2: didn't go. I don't think so.

507
00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:10,041
Speaker 1: Yeah, because once again he's a stranger. I was close

508
00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:12,680
Speaker 1: with his parents, and I still talk to one of

509
00:21:12,721 --> 00:21:16,200
Speaker 1: his brothers. His other brothers passed from aneurism, so I

510
00:21:16,201 --> 00:21:19,080
Speaker 1: still talk to one of his brothers, but it's uncomfortable.

511
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:21,321
Speaker 1: If I've ever asked anything about my father, he shouts

512
00:21:21,321 --> 00:21:22,120
Speaker 1: it down really quickly.

513
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:25,281
Speaker 2: Wow, so he must know the story. Yes, that's wanting

514
00:21:25,321 --> 00:21:27,521
Speaker 2: to understand. Yeah, well, when he won't talk to me

515
00:21:27,521 --> 00:21:30,681
Speaker 2: about it, like what happened? Yeah, you never know, maybe

516
00:21:30,681 --> 00:21:35,321
Speaker 2: one day, maybe one day. See where do you still

517
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:39,801
Speaker 2: feel like a fraud even though people admire you? Fraud's

518
00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:42,240
Speaker 2: a big word, it is, Yeah, but you know, like

519
00:21:42,281 --> 00:21:45,681
Speaker 2: maybe a better word would be like imposter syndrome, because

520
00:21:45,681 --> 00:21:47,801
Speaker 2: that's how I see that word. I see fraud, Like, oh,

521
00:21:47,801 --> 00:21:50,041
Speaker 2: where you feel like, oh shit, am I undeserving of this?

522
00:21:50,241 --> 00:21:52,321
Speaker 2: Or yeah? Am I not the person who gets to

523
00:21:52,321 --> 00:21:54,041
Speaker 2: have this? Like that's where my mind goes.

524
00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:56,521
Speaker 1: I feel lately, But I also have just come back

525
00:21:56,521 --> 00:21:59,200
Speaker 1: from a lot of traveling. But I feel lately. I

526
00:21:59,241 --> 00:22:02,601
Speaker 1: feel I'm quite admired for being able to juggle everything

527
00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:03,080
Speaker 1: really well.

528
00:22:03,201 --> 00:22:04,161
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, and I think.

529
00:22:04,001 --> 00:22:06,761
Speaker 1: I am very good at that because I'm quite structured,

530
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:09,960
Speaker 1: and I'm good at prioritizing my time, and I'm a

531
00:22:10,001 --> 00:22:12,201
Speaker 1: hard worker and I'm very present when I with my kids.

532
00:22:12,201 --> 00:22:13,961
Speaker 2: I think I do do it really well. But lately

533
00:22:14,481 --> 00:22:15,600
Speaker 2: I feel like I'm drowning.

534
00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:19,520
Speaker 1: I feel like I can't quite get on top of everything. Yeah,

535
00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:21,521
Speaker 1: and I feel a bit more pulled into hideaway at

536
00:22:21,561 --> 00:22:23,761
Speaker 1: the moment. And We've got big plans for she Rises,

537
00:22:23,801 --> 00:22:25,480
Speaker 1: which we're actually going to a retreat soon so we

538
00:22:25,521 --> 00:22:28,521
Speaker 1: can really cone in our big project. But I feel

539
00:22:28,521 --> 00:22:31,200
Speaker 1: like I'm not doing anything really well. I feel like

540
00:22:31,241 --> 00:22:34,521
Speaker 1: I'm kind of doing everything at sixty percent. Yeah, I'd

541
00:22:34,521 --> 00:22:37,240
Speaker 1: like to keep everything one hundred percent. And Taj and

542
00:22:37,241 --> 00:22:39,561
Speaker 1: Steve have been quite sick, so homes felt a bit

543
00:22:39,561 --> 00:22:42,041
Speaker 1: harder as well. So yeah, I just feel like I'm

544
00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:44,880
Speaker 1: not managing everything as well as what I normally would.

545
00:22:45,561 --> 00:22:47,561
Speaker 1: So if I get a message today, say I get

546
00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:49,561
Speaker 1: them all the time, Wow, you just manage life so well,

547
00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:53,600
Speaker 1: I'll be like, I'm not at the moment, sweety. But

548
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:55,160
Speaker 1: I was in a voice Masgine, you say, hey, I

549
00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:57,400
Speaker 1: know it looks like that, but just know I also

550
00:22:57,441 --> 00:22:59,961
Speaker 1: struggle sometimes. Right now, I feel like I'm drowning. Yeah,

551
00:22:59,961 --> 00:23:02,761
Speaker 1: you know, I'm not coping. And social media is great

552
00:23:02,761 --> 00:23:04,361
Speaker 1: because I share a lot, but there's also a.

553
00:23:04,281 --> 00:23:05,001
Speaker 2: Lot I don't share.

554
00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:07,281
Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, my kids are having tantrums or I'm going

555
00:23:07,281 --> 00:23:08,680
Speaker 1: through a really hard time, Like I'm not always going

556
00:23:08,721 --> 00:23:10,400
Speaker 1: to share it well in the midst of it, or

557
00:23:10,441 --> 00:23:13,241
Speaker 1: go through it and go inwards and then come out

558
00:23:13,241 --> 00:23:14,840
Speaker 1: with lessons and share it then.

559
00:23:15,001 --> 00:23:17,721
Speaker 2: Talk about it in a productive way as like emotional

560
00:23:17,801 --> 00:23:20,281
Speaker 2: dumping onto social media. Yeah, and I have done that

561
00:23:20,321 --> 00:23:23,640
Speaker 2: before too, But there's nothing wrong with that. Yeah, so

562
00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:26,481
Speaker 2: I know what you mean. You're not that's not your

563
00:23:26,561 --> 00:23:30,201
Speaker 2: first thing now is to go show No, yeah, not anymore.

564
00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:32,321
Speaker 1: So yeah, maybe they're Yeah, I feel like i'd be

565
00:23:32,321 --> 00:23:34,281
Speaker 1: deserving of a message or you know what, it makes

566
00:23:34,321 --> 00:23:36,321
Speaker 1: you feel like a fraud. But I don't like that word.

567
00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:37,840
Speaker 1: I don't know why I've got resists to that word.

568
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:39,801
Speaker 1: But when people be like, oh my gosh, You've done

569
00:23:39,801 --> 00:23:42,120
Speaker 1: so well with Hideaway, I'm like, no, no, no, no, no,

570
00:23:42,801 --> 00:23:45,240
Speaker 1: I have not done well with Hideaway. Steven Moum have

571
00:23:45,281 --> 00:23:47,401
Speaker 1: done well with Hideaway, and the amazing team we have

572
00:23:47,441 --> 00:23:49,680
Speaker 1: has done one with Hideaway. Yes, I contribute and yes,

573
00:23:49,961 --> 00:23:52,001
Speaker 1: I work really hard for that brand. And yes I've

574
00:23:52,041 --> 00:23:54,240
Speaker 1: been the face of and I've got big roles in

575
00:23:54,281 --> 00:23:56,520
Speaker 1: there for sure that really help. But everyone does. It

576
00:23:56,561 --> 00:23:57,801
Speaker 1: is such a big collective thing.

577
00:23:57,921 --> 00:23:58,441
Speaker 2: It's a team.

578
00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:01,521
Speaker 1: Yeah, even like a web designer guy like hr all

579
00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:04,960
Speaker 1: our stuff that make the products in our warehouse in Arundel,

580
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:08,001
Speaker 1: all the graphics and marketing team like all they're cool

581
00:24:08,041 --> 00:24:11,041
Speaker 1: ideas how they make the website. Like Steve here's the

582
00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:13,521
Speaker 1: hardest worker. I know how he manages the ad accounts,

583
00:24:13,521 --> 00:24:16,200
Speaker 1: manages the team and comes up with ideas and just

584
00:24:16,360 --> 00:24:19,001
Speaker 1: keeps a ship running, has everything on his shoulders. So

585
00:24:19,001 --> 00:24:21,400
Speaker 1: when I get that compliment, I really don't like it. Yeah,

586
00:24:21,441 --> 00:24:22,801
Speaker 1: and I'm very quick to correct it.

587
00:24:22,921 --> 00:24:26,561
Speaker 2: I was going to say you often correct straight away interviews.

588
00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:28,281
Speaker 2: I don't think i've ever heard you say like, oh

589
00:24:28,321 --> 00:24:30,120
Speaker 2: my god, I built hardaway on my own. You never

590
00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:31,881
Speaker 2: see your credit where credit is due.

591
00:24:32,001 --> 00:24:33,720
Speaker 1: And sometimes people in an interview will say, oh, you're

592
00:24:33,761 --> 00:24:34,481
Speaker 1: the founder of Herder.

593
00:24:34,561 --> 00:24:35,281
Speaker 2: I'm like, no, I'm not.

594
00:24:35,721 --> 00:24:38,201
Speaker 1: I'm the co owner. Yeah, my mum is the founder.

595
00:24:38,321 --> 00:24:40,201
Speaker 2: We bought to off her. Yeah, I'm going to claim

596
00:24:40,281 --> 00:24:43,241
Speaker 2: something that's not you know, that's not true. Yeah, I understand.

597
00:24:43,360 --> 00:24:46,401
Speaker 1: So when that comes my way, it makes me Yeah. Yeah,

598
00:24:46,481 --> 00:24:48,921
Speaker 1: I'm very quick to give credit where credits due, you are, Yeah,

599
00:24:49,041 --> 00:24:50,521
Speaker 1: I voiced this recently on the podcast.

600
00:24:50,521 --> 00:24:52,880
Speaker 2: Actually where like I have like spurts of self doubt,

601
00:24:53,321 --> 00:24:55,840
Speaker 2: you know, and like I'm not exempt to self doubt,

602
00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:57,121
Speaker 2: do you know what I mean? I know what I want,

603
00:24:57,201 --> 00:24:58,640
Speaker 2: I know what we're doing. We have big plans for

604
00:24:58,681 --> 00:25:00,561
Speaker 2: she rises. I've got big plans and doing big things

605
00:25:00,561 --> 00:25:03,121
Speaker 2: with my business as well. I know what it requires

606
00:25:03,120 --> 00:25:05,001
Speaker 2: of me. But that doesn't mean that doesn't come with

607
00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:07,241
Speaker 2: any doubt, you know. And so there are times where

608
00:25:07,281 --> 00:25:10,001
Speaker 2: let's say'm feeling a little bit more emotionally stretched, where

609
00:25:10,041 --> 00:25:12,080
Speaker 2: I'll be like, who the fuck do I think I

610
00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:13,721
Speaker 2: have to be doing this shit? Like you know what

611
00:25:13,801 --> 00:25:15,720
Speaker 2: I mean? Like what do you mean I get to

612
00:25:16,001 --> 00:25:18,441
Speaker 2: work and yeah, with my best friend for ten hours

613
00:25:18,481 --> 00:25:20,760
Speaker 2: a day and call it a job. Yeah, I mean

614
00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:23,201
Speaker 2: like that, or the fact that we get to run

615
00:25:23,281 --> 00:25:27,321
Speaker 2: retreats internationally, and I'm like, am I in over my head?

616
00:25:27,481 --> 00:25:29,801
Speaker 2: Like some because of the big vision and the big

617
00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:32,960
Speaker 2: plans that we have, And sometimes I feel like not

618
00:25:33,041 --> 00:25:34,640
Speaker 2: that I've bitten off more than I can chew because

619
00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:36,321
Speaker 2: I never feel like that. I just feel like, wa,

620
00:25:36,441 --> 00:25:39,361
Speaker 2: this is big. Yeah, you know. And then then if

621
00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:41,680
Speaker 2: I feel stretched or i feel like I'm having a

622
00:25:41,681 --> 00:25:43,640
Speaker 2: bad day where I'm like a little bit more in

623
00:25:43,721 --> 00:25:45,600
Speaker 2: my head or a little bit more anxious or whatever,

624
00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:47,801
Speaker 2: then I'll be like, oh, do I feel like an imposter? Like?

625
00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:50,321
Speaker 2: Am I the person who gets to do this? Am

626
00:25:50,321 --> 00:25:52,080
Speaker 2: I the person who's going to be able to create this?

627
00:25:52,241 --> 00:25:54,561
Speaker 2: And all of those things. So it's not around all

628
00:25:54,600 --> 00:25:56,001
Speaker 2: the time because for the most part, I'm in a

629
00:25:56,001 --> 00:25:58,561
Speaker 2: pretty good headspace. But when it comes and it knocks

630
00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:00,961
Speaker 2: me a little bit, I'm like, oh, that's cheeky. It's cheeky.

631
00:26:00,961 --> 00:26:02,640
Speaker 2: But it doesn't last too long. No, it's going to

632
00:26:02,721 --> 00:26:04,601
Speaker 2: catch it. Yeah, I can come back from it pretty quick.

633
00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:08,360
Speaker 2: I have enough tools now under my belt that it

634
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:09,361
Speaker 2: doesn't last very long.

635
00:26:09,441 --> 00:26:09,641
Speaker 1: Yeah.

636
00:26:09,640 --> 00:26:12,001
Speaker 2: Even if it does, I reparent myself and I, you know,

637
00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:14,960
Speaker 2: reframe all of my stories, and if I encourage myself,

638
00:26:15,201 --> 00:26:17,680
Speaker 2: I work through those stories pretty quickly. And then I

639
00:26:17,721 --> 00:26:19,080
Speaker 2: come back and bounce back and I'm like, yeah, I

640
00:26:19,120 --> 00:26:22,161
Speaker 2: got this, Like that's cool. I get to decide who

641
00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:23,561
Speaker 2: I'm going to be. I get to decide if this

642
00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:25,321
Speaker 2: is going to work for me, I get to decide

643
00:26:25,481 --> 00:26:27,481
Speaker 2: that I get to be the girl that this happens for,

644
00:26:28,001 --> 00:26:29,521
Speaker 2: you know, and not because it happens for me. It's

645
00:26:29,521 --> 00:26:31,640
Speaker 2: because I've made it happen. Yeah, made you know. So

646
00:26:31,761 --> 00:26:34,840
Speaker 2: I think that's also really cool. That's cool. Yeah.

647
00:26:35,041 --> 00:26:37,441
Speaker 1: What part of you do you most struggle to accept?

648
00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:40,680
Speaker 2: Oh, it's gonna have it? Like resisting that, I was like, oh, no,

649
00:26:40,801 --> 00:26:43,640
Speaker 2: that's not it. Yes, I'm just going to answer. The

650
00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:47,001
Speaker 2: first thing that comes to my mind is my seductress. Yeah. Yeah,

651
00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:49,360
Speaker 2: maybe because of the sexual shame that I've had over

652
00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:51,600
Speaker 2: the years, I think that's still a part of me

653
00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:54,440
Speaker 2: that I still resist because I feel in the past

654
00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:58,681
Speaker 2: she's gotten me in trouble, she's a check. I've made

655
00:26:58,721 --> 00:27:03,481
Speaker 2: some cheeky decisions and not so nice decisions and things

656
00:27:03,481 --> 00:27:05,481
Speaker 2: that have got me in trouble and all that sort

657
00:27:05,481 --> 00:27:06,920
Speaker 2: of stuff. So I think maybe in my head I

658
00:27:06,921 --> 00:27:10,041
Speaker 2: still have a story that my stuctress is naughty, bad naughty,

659
00:27:10,041 --> 00:27:12,201
Speaker 2: not a good naughty Yeah, you know, she's like she's

660
00:27:12,201 --> 00:27:15,720
Speaker 2: a deviant almost right, and I maybe have some negative associations,

661
00:27:15,721 --> 00:27:18,640
Speaker 2: which she's good for me to look at, actually, but yeah,

662
00:27:18,681 --> 00:27:20,241
Speaker 2: that part, I feel cool.

663
00:27:20,441 --> 00:27:23,080
Speaker 1: Actually, I am struggling to accept that I'm getting older.

664
00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:25,281
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's strain.

665
00:27:25,840 --> 00:27:30,401
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't want to get older. Yeah, I love

666
00:27:30,441 --> 00:27:33,001
Speaker 1: being in my thirties. I'm thirty six, twenty thirty seven.

667
00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:35,681
Speaker 1: But yeah, I just feel like on social media there's

668
00:27:35,721 --> 00:27:38,041
Speaker 1: a lot of comments lately about my age and how

669
00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:41,201
Speaker 1: I look and that I'm expired and all just all

670
00:27:41,201 --> 00:27:45,080
Speaker 1: these you know, it's just shit, Yeah, crap. But I

671
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:46,880
Speaker 1: think when you're online and you hear things over and

672
00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:49,080
Speaker 1: over again, it definitely like sits there. Yeah, and it

673
00:27:49,120 --> 00:27:51,720
Speaker 1: makes you reflect. I'm like, oh, I am getting older,

674
00:27:52,281 --> 00:27:55,321
Speaker 1: but I also won't ever let it stop me living

675
00:27:55,321 --> 00:27:56,921
Speaker 1: my life and doing the thing. We even talked about

676
00:27:56,961 --> 00:27:59,321
Speaker 1: sleepovers last night. Yeah, we're like, why do people stop

677
00:27:59,360 --> 00:28:00,321
Speaker 1: doing girl sleepovers?

678
00:28:00,521 --> 00:28:02,720
Speaker 2: Why is it not acceptable as in adults? Yeah, and

679
00:28:02,721 --> 00:28:04,281
Speaker 2: I'm like so much fun, And I said to you

680
00:28:04,281 --> 00:28:06,640
Speaker 2: should much a well a sleepway. I'm not going to stop.

681
00:28:06,681 --> 00:28:08,600
Speaker 2: I love it. If the best time and we have

682
00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:11,080
Speaker 2: our stay, Care's so much fun. We still sleep at

683
00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:14,600
Speaker 2: each other's house literally, just sometimes you'll be like, yeah,

684
00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:17,680
Speaker 2: I feel the emotional I needs in love. Yeah.

685
00:28:17,721 --> 00:28:19,840
Speaker 1: And then obviously Steve's nine years older than me. So

686
00:28:19,961 --> 00:28:22,281
Speaker 1: that's just scary when people getting older, and when you

687
00:28:22,321 --> 00:28:24,481
Speaker 1: think about your parents, how old my mum is, and

688
00:28:25,241 --> 00:28:27,400
Speaker 1: even just tar shitting double digits this year, I'm like,

689
00:28:27,441 --> 00:28:29,880
Speaker 1: holy shit, is going to be a teenager soon living

690
00:28:29,921 --> 00:28:33,840
Speaker 1: his life. And the older he gets, the more like detached.

691
00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:36,561
Speaker 1: Obviously he is, because he's coming into his own person.

692
00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:38,361
Speaker 1: He's got his own opinions, He's wanting to be with

693
00:28:38,361 --> 00:28:41,001
Speaker 1: his friends more. He's talk about when he turns eighteen

694
00:28:41,041 --> 00:28:42,841
Speaker 1: he wants to go traveling and like live in New

695
00:28:42,921 --> 00:28:45,441
Speaker 1: Zealand or American I'm like, what do you mean gonna move?

696
00:28:46,721 --> 00:28:49,041
Speaker 1: Like are you going to stay here forever? And this generation,

697
00:28:49,121 --> 00:28:50,561
Speaker 1: I feel like you're staying at home a lot longer.

698
00:28:50,601 --> 00:28:51,921
Speaker 1: I want my kids to be at home.

699
00:28:51,761 --> 00:28:53,161
Speaker 2: You know, I don't know.

700
00:28:53,401 --> 00:28:56,521
Speaker 1: Just yeah, so much is changing and it's all beautiful

701
00:28:56,521 --> 00:28:59,000
Speaker 1: and exciting and I've never felt more peaceful and happy

702
00:28:59,041 --> 00:29:02,241
Speaker 1: and content and excited full life. Yeah, I definitely have

703
00:29:02,281 --> 00:29:05,961
Speaker 1: a bit of resistance of just getting older. Yeah, And

704
00:29:06,001 --> 00:29:08,041
Speaker 1: I think there's been like talk around metopause lately, and

705
00:29:08,081 --> 00:29:09,721
Speaker 1: if I have any symptom I talk about online, people

706
00:29:09,721 --> 00:29:12,761
Speaker 1: swap a up like, oh you've got premenopause, perimenopause, and

707
00:29:12,801 --> 00:29:15,480
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my gosh. And Natchpad actually messaged me

708
00:29:15,521 --> 00:29:17,881
Speaker 1: and she was like, please ignore any comments you get

709
00:29:17,921 --> 00:29:21,201
Speaker 1: about about that, like you're not there when you get there,

710
00:29:21,201 --> 00:29:22,521
Speaker 1: there's so much that we can do to support your

711
00:29:22,521 --> 00:29:24,601
Speaker 1: body and everything you're doing now and blah blah blah.

712
00:29:24,761 --> 00:29:26,641
Speaker 1: And I was like, yeah, it's just I don't know,

713
00:29:27,121 --> 00:29:28,720
Speaker 1: just thoughts recently of getting older.

714
00:29:29,241 --> 00:29:31,200
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think it is a scary topic and it

715
00:29:31,681 --> 00:29:33,881
Speaker 2: can be hard pilled or swallower, and especially it's so

716
00:29:33,881 --> 00:29:38,041
Speaker 2: many layers because it's change, it's different seasons. Yeah, it's

717
00:29:38,721 --> 00:29:40,961
Speaker 2: you know, like what you mentioned about parents getting older,

718
00:29:41,001 --> 00:29:42,641
Speaker 2: and then it's you know, I just.

719
00:29:42,601 --> 00:29:44,921
Speaker 1: Yeah, even a lot there. There's a comment on social

720
00:29:44,921 --> 00:29:47,321
Speaker 1: media the other day. I was like, I'm so inspired

721
00:29:47,361 --> 00:29:50,240
Speaker 1: by how much you embrace all of your changes to

722
00:29:50,281 --> 00:29:52,601
Speaker 1: your body after having two kids, like way more sale,

723
00:29:52,601 --> 00:29:55,520
Speaker 1: like your hips are wider, and like pointed out the

724
00:29:55,601 --> 00:29:59,480
Speaker 1: flaws in my body wow from being older and having kids.

725
00:29:59,481 --> 00:30:02,001
Speaker 2: And I was like what damn. I was like, I

726
00:30:02,041 --> 00:30:05,281
Speaker 2: thought I looked okay for having two kids. Maybe like

727
00:30:05,521 --> 00:30:06,960
Speaker 2: doubt it. And I look back at my photos.

728
00:30:07,001 --> 00:30:09,961
Speaker 1: I'm like I don't think I'm that much different, like probably, yeah,

729
00:30:10,121 --> 00:30:12,761
Speaker 1: a bit saggy for sure. Oh please, But just when

730
00:30:12,761 --> 00:30:15,801
Speaker 1: someone points it out, it's like, oh yeah, it kind

731
00:30:15,801 --> 00:30:19,041
Speaker 1: of dims your confidence a little bit. Yeah, because I

732
00:30:19,121 --> 00:30:21,521
Speaker 1: show a lot on social media, I share my workouts

733
00:30:21,561 --> 00:30:23,601
Speaker 1: that people just watching me being like, who is this old?

734
00:30:23,681 --> 00:30:26,561
Speaker 2: Dark? Like gross, you look insane? I actually I get

735
00:30:26,641 --> 00:30:28,961
Speaker 2: LOOKI trigger when she comes over here, she's like look saggy,

736
00:30:29,041 --> 00:30:30,480
Speaker 2: or like she makes a joke or something like this.

737
00:30:30,521 --> 00:30:32,401
Speaker 2: I'm like, bitch, I'm gonna slap you. I don't feel

738
00:30:32,401 --> 00:30:34,401
Speaker 2: like I put my body down much. It'sah my face,

739
00:30:34,521 --> 00:30:37,361
Speaker 2: Oh my god, I can't. I'm like, you look insane.

740
00:30:37,441 --> 00:30:40,200
Speaker 2: Oh to common things like people are taking freedom of

741
00:30:40,201 --> 00:30:42,321
Speaker 2: speech wee too seriously, they really do, and to the

742
00:30:42,321 --> 00:30:44,561
Speaker 2: point where it's so disrespectful because obviously they're behind the

743
00:30:44,601 --> 00:30:47,240
Speaker 2: screen like they have no consequences to their actions, and

744
00:30:47,321 --> 00:30:48,121
Speaker 2: I just don't care.

745
00:30:48,321 --> 00:30:50,280
Speaker 1: I sometimes think like even that common I'm like, oh,

746
00:30:50,321 --> 00:30:52,841
Speaker 1: I can feel she's coming from a good place. She's like,

747
00:30:52,841 --> 00:30:54,801
Speaker 1: I'm so inspired that you embrace your body and all

748
00:30:54,841 --> 00:30:56,881
Speaker 1: your saline blah blah blah. Like I can feel it

749
00:30:56,921 --> 00:31:01,121
Speaker 1: was from a good place. Yeah, so I'm like, oh, thanks,

750
00:31:01,161 --> 00:31:03,240
Speaker 1: I think I don't really know how to respond to that.

751
00:31:03,721 --> 00:31:05,881
Speaker 1: And then there's others that are just blatant, like you

752
00:31:05,921 --> 00:31:08,201
Speaker 1: look like you're fifty, go get a facelift.

753
00:31:08,361 --> 00:31:11,801
Speaker 2: Oh my god. You know, it's just so.

754
00:31:12,121 --> 00:31:14,521
Speaker 1: Blunt, And I think they feel they can say anything

755
00:31:14,561 --> 00:31:16,921
Speaker 1: to me because they feel quite connected and bonded and

756
00:31:17,201 --> 00:31:18,641
Speaker 1: close to me because I've just showed up for the

757
00:31:18,681 --> 00:31:21,081
Speaker 1: last fifteen years of their life, of my life. They've

758
00:31:21,081 --> 00:31:23,760
Speaker 1: grown with me, so they feel this connection. But I'm like,

759
00:31:24,121 --> 00:31:26,161
Speaker 1: if you feel that close, like my best friend wouldn't

760
00:31:26,161 --> 00:31:26,361
Speaker 1: tell me.

761
00:31:26,361 --> 00:31:29,961
Speaker 2: To go get a face lift. I think entitled entitled

762
00:31:30,001 --> 00:31:32,681
Speaker 2: to openly share. I think people have no regard for

763
00:31:32,721 --> 00:31:34,441
Speaker 2: what they say, Like there is no way in hell

764
00:31:34,481 --> 00:31:36,441
Speaker 2: that I would ever comment on anyone on social media.

765
00:31:36,441 --> 00:31:38,361
Speaker 2: I don't care who it was. And for the most part,

766
00:31:38,441 --> 00:31:40,440
Speaker 2: it's usually people have fake profiles or have a picture

767
00:31:40,481 --> 00:31:42,401
Speaker 2: of a cat or a dog. I would never pick

768
00:31:42,401 --> 00:31:44,121
Speaker 2: out a woman, say your life and their name is

769
00:31:44,161 --> 00:31:46,961
Speaker 2: like Nikki Underscore seven four seven, Yeah, come.

770
00:31:46,801 --> 00:31:51,361
Speaker 1: On, yeah, in the l it's interesting, it's interesting. But

771
00:31:51,641 --> 00:31:53,881
Speaker 1: when you already have a little bit of insecurity about

772
00:31:53,881 --> 00:31:57,441
Speaker 1: something and then someone says something obviously within you anyway. Yes,

773
00:31:57,441 --> 00:31:58,881
Speaker 1: it's it just makes it a bit bigger. It's a

774
00:31:58,921 --> 00:32:01,361
Speaker 1: natural human response. Like everyone knows I don't like my face,

775
00:32:01,401 --> 00:32:02,881
Speaker 1: so when you guys come to my face, it's like

776
00:32:02,961 --> 00:32:04,681
Speaker 1: I already fucking don't like it. You don't need to

777
00:32:04,721 --> 00:32:07,961
Speaker 1: tell me. I already know my saga jaws at that.

778
00:32:08,041 --> 00:32:09,480
Speaker 1: You don't need to tell me sweedie, I look at

779
00:32:09,521 --> 00:32:15,001
Speaker 1: them every day off it. So yeah, getting old, getting

780
00:32:15,001 --> 00:32:17,041
Speaker 1: old and all facets of just like I kind of

781
00:32:17,041 --> 00:32:19,561
Speaker 1: want to freeze time right now and not get older.

782
00:32:19,961 --> 00:32:21,881
Speaker 2: You know, when you want to freeze time though, it

783
00:32:21,921 --> 00:32:25,041
Speaker 2: means that you love life right now. Yeah, which is beautiful.

784
00:32:25,241 --> 00:32:28,760
Speaker 1: Yeah, getting older is obviously a privilege, and so you're

785
00:32:28,801 --> 00:32:31,321
Speaker 1: so lucky to get older the sure, but it's also

786
00:32:31,401 --> 00:32:32,480
Speaker 1: scary and just change.

787
00:32:32,681 --> 00:32:32,961
Speaker 2: Yeah.

788
00:32:33,241 --> 00:32:35,321
Speaker 1: Yeah, I just feel like a blinked and targe as

789
00:32:35,321 --> 00:32:38,641
Speaker 1: this adult. I'm like, whoa you tallder me soon? Very interesting,

790
00:32:38,721 --> 00:32:41,921
Speaker 1: it's so intelligent and just not a tolerant anymore.

791
00:32:41,921 --> 00:32:46,481
Speaker 2: It's wild alrighty guys, that's all for our road questions,

792
00:32:45,921 --> 00:32:48,001
Speaker 2: says enjoyed this. It's so much for joining us, and

793
00:32:48,001 --> 00:32:50,281
Speaker 2: we hope this inspires you to ask deep for questions

794
00:32:50,281 --> 00:32:52,480
Speaker 2: and get curious and to be able to answer freely

795
00:32:52,521 --> 00:32:55,121
Speaker 2: without any fear of judgment, and whilst also holding space

796
00:32:55,121 --> 00:32:57,441
Speaker 2: for other people to answer freely and share their most

797
00:32:57,561 --> 00:32:58,720
Speaker 2: vulnerable thoughts too, and.

798
00:32:58,801 --> 00:33:00,481
Speaker 1: Know that like a lot of those questions were hard

799
00:33:00,521 --> 00:33:02,441
Speaker 1: for us to answer. Yeah, like even me talking about

800
00:33:02,441 --> 00:33:04,281
Speaker 1: my insecurities in my face and my body or whatever,

801
00:33:04,441 --> 00:33:06,361
Speaker 1: like that's hard to talk about in front of tens

802
00:33:06,361 --> 00:33:08,521
Speaker 1: of thousands of people. You know, all the things that

803
00:33:08,521 --> 00:33:10,801
Speaker 1: you've carried shamee for all your seductious or whatever. You know,

804
00:33:11,241 --> 00:33:13,321
Speaker 1: this isn't easy for us to talk about. But we

805
00:33:13,441 --> 00:33:15,041
Speaker 1: do this because you want to show you the power

806
00:33:15,081 --> 00:33:17,841
Speaker 1: of being vulnerable and that you're not alone in your thoughts.

807
00:33:18,201 --> 00:33:21,881
Speaker 1: We all have dark thoughts, negative thoughts, insecurities. We're not

808
00:33:21,881 --> 00:33:24,201
Speaker 1: exempted any of it. No matter how good our life

809
00:33:24,241 --> 00:33:25,921
Speaker 1: looks and how confident we are and how much work

810
00:33:25,961 --> 00:33:28,641
Speaker 1: we've done, there's still always things that we're working on,

811
00:33:29,041 --> 00:33:30,281
Speaker 1: things that you might not know about.

812
00:33:30,281 --> 00:33:31,321
Speaker 2: But it's cool to ask.

813
00:33:31,161 --> 00:33:33,721
Speaker 1: These questions, to just dive that little bit deeper, because

814
00:33:33,761 --> 00:33:35,601
Speaker 1: it helps you get to know why are you doing

815
00:33:35,601 --> 00:33:37,041
Speaker 1: the things you do and where they show up and

816
00:33:37,081 --> 00:33:39,201
Speaker 1: are they affecting your life in a negative positive way.

817
00:33:39,761 --> 00:33:43,201
Speaker 2: Are they holding you back? Yeah, definitely. Are they taking control?

818
00:33:44,041 --> 00:33:46,401
Speaker 2: Lead your life with curiosity and yes, you'll get fun.

819
00:33:46,481 --> 00:33:48,161
Speaker 1: It's the best word, isn't it. Thanks guys, we'll see

820
00:33:48,161 --> 00:33:50,161
Speaker 1: in the next episode. Bye bye,