WEBVTT - The Lifechanging Moment That Helped James Parr Find His Purpose 0:00:00.280 --> 0:00:03.360 We'd like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land 0:00:03.480 --> 0:00:06.840 on which this podcast was produced, the Galligle people of 0:00:06.880 --> 0:00:10.440 the Urination. We pay our respects to Elder's past and present. 0:00:11.720 --> 0:00:16.880 It's December fifth, twenty twenty three. Some of Australia's biggest 0:00:16.960 --> 0:00:21.160 names have gathered at Sydney's Bondi Pavilion for GQ's Man 0:00:21.160 --> 0:00:24.640 of the Year Awards. It's a night that celebrates how 0:00:24.680 --> 0:00:28.360 Australia's best and brightest have helped shape the world for 0:00:28.400 --> 0:00:33.000 the better. The first award for the night is Model 0:00:33.120 --> 0:00:37.400 of the Year. The crowd rars as James Parr takes 0:00:37.479 --> 0:00:41.600 to the stage to accept the award. It's a night 0:00:41.720 --> 0:00:46.400 James never thought possible following the amputation of his leg 0:00:46.760 --> 0:00:51.040 six years earlier. For James, it's a win that means 0:00:51.120 --> 0:00:55.080 more than just being Model of the Year. It represents 0:00:55.120 --> 0:01:01.040 how he reframed public perception of disability. I'm Att Middleton 0:01:01.360 --> 0:01:06.040 and this is headgame on today's episode, James Parr and 0:01:06.080 --> 0:01:09.520 how he's now turning perception of disability and the fashion 0:01:09.560 --> 0:01:17.039 industry upside down. Now you've got quite a story. Just 0:01:17.120 --> 0:01:21.000 take us back to you know, your childhood take us 0:01:21.040 --> 0:01:23.240 back to where it all started, where you grew up 0:01:23.400 --> 0:01:26.280 and how you grew up and what life was like 0:01:26.480 --> 0:01:27.360 as a kid. 0:01:27.760 --> 0:01:29.360 Well, I grew up in Deniliquin. Do you know what 0:01:29.440 --> 0:01:34.200 that is? No, it's rural New South Wales. So I 0:01:34.200 --> 0:01:38.280 grew up there my parents and my family. We grew 0:01:38.400 --> 0:01:41.640 up on a farm until I was around seven, and 0:01:41.720 --> 0:01:44.959 so I had four older siblings. I was the oldest one, 0:01:45.160 --> 0:01:49.600 only one sorry between my two parents. And yeah, my 0:01:49.680 --> 0:01:54.040 mum was diagnosed with cancer I think around six to seven, 0:01:54.640 --> 0:01:56.960 and then we ended up moving in down and selling 0:01:57.040 --> 0:02:00.200 that and then my mum died when I was eight. 0:02:00.920 --> 0:02:04.400 So your mum was diagnosed with cancer at the age 0:02:04.400 --> 0:02:09.160 of six and within two years she'd passed away. Were 0:02:09.200 --> 0:02:13.120 you was there any treatment any What was it like 0:02:13.720 --> 0:02:16.840 back then and how involved were you or you quite 0:02:16.840 --> 0:02:18.200 sheltered from from that moment. 0:02:18.320 --> 0:02:20.200 Yeah, I was sort of sheltered from it, so I 0:02:20.240 --> 0:02:24.200 didn't actually realize what was happening at the time. She 0:02:24.320 --> 0:02:26.799 did go treatment, undergo treatment, but I think it was 0:02:26.840 --> 0:02:28.840 sort of past that that she sort of just stopped 0:02:28.840 --> 0:02:33.920 the stop the treatment became a bit too hard, and yeah, 0:02:34.000 --> 0:02:37.080 I remember the night like she died even then, I 0:02:37.120 --> 0:02:40.080 still had no idea actually what was going on. And 0:02:40.120 --> 0:02:44.080 I guess being eight, you sort of don't realize. And 0:02:45.080 --> 0:02:46.720 I guess it was sort of like a slow release 0:02:46.800 --> 0:02:47.440 as well. 0:02:47.280 --> 0:02:51.160 Because this back from what you know now and what 0:02:51.240 --> 0:02:53.119 you remember, right, Yeah, got yea. 0:02:53.639 --> 0:02:55.720 And even in the time, like I had no idea it. 0:02:55.720 --> 0:02:57.280 Within a couple of years later that sort of really 0:02:57.360 --> 0:03:02.040 hit because I was seeing her lesson mass so when 0:03:02.360 --> 0:03:07.480 she did die, it sort of didn't really feel too indifferent. 0:03:08.840 --> 0:03:11.320 But then, yeah, I lived with my dad from then. 0:03:11.360 --> 0:03:12.920 And did you attend your mom's funeral? 0:03:13.160 --> 0:03:14.560 Yeah? Okay? 0:03:14.560 --> 0:03:16.679 And what was going through your mind? Was it was 0:03:16.720 --> 0:03:19.079 a confusion? Was it frustration? Was it? 0:03:19.680 --> 0:03:19.840 You know? 0:03:19.840 --> 0:03:22.120 Because I know we're so adaptable. I lost my father 0:03:22.200 --> 0:03:24.959 when I was five years old, and a new man 0:03:25.000 --> 0:03:27.720 came into our life, and I almost feel guilty that 0:03:27.720 --> 0:03:29.919 that I, you know, attached on to him so quick 0:03:29.960 --> 0:03:33.280 and sort of felt like I forgot about my father that, 0:03:33.720 --> 0:03:37.000 But I think it's it's a defense mechanism. How did 0:03:37.040 --> 0:03:39.520 you how how were you feeling and what was going 0:03:39.560 --> 0:03:42.680 through your head that are that such a young age 0:03:42.880 --> 0:03:43.960 or can't you really remember? 0:03:44.280 --> 0:03:46.280 Yeah? Look, to be honest, I actually can't really remember. 0:03:46.680 --> 0:03:51.040 I do remember I chose her gravestone because there was 0:03:51.200 --> 0:03:53.840 like a couple of different designs, and to be honest, 0:03:53.880 --> 0:03:56.320 I was a favorite kid, and I knew. 0:03:56.160 --> 0:03:58.840 That always favorite. 0:03:58.840 --> 0:04:00.800 So I would play into it. Yeah, and it says 0:04:00.800 --> 0:04:02.760 it on the gravestone. I think it says like especially 0:04:02.840 --> 0:04:06.680 James or something. And even my siblings tried to like 0:04:06.840 --> 0:04:08.680 argue with me that I wasn't the favorite. My mate 0:04:08.760 --> 0:04:09.760 is on her actual grave. 0:04:10.200 --> 0:04:11.160 Yeah, yeah, you. 0:04:11.240 --> 0:04:14.960 Need to look too deep, like is there? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, 0:04:15.320 --> 0:04:17.880 And so yeah, I don't really remember too much of 0:04:17.920 --> 0:04:20.560 the whole sort of funeral experience. I remember a little 0:04:20.560 --> 0:04:24.360 bits and pieces, but regards to how I was feeling, yeah, 0:04:24.360 --> 0:04:27.080 I'm not really sure. Actually, I think it was just 0:04:27.120 --> 0:04:31.000 like going with the flow, because yeah, I wasn't aware 0:04:31.040 --> 0:04:32.600 of what any of those things meant. 0:04:32.880 --> 0:04:35.960 Yeah, you sort of do, you know, as especially as 0:04:36.040 --> 0:04:40.080 kids were so adaptable, were so muldable. How was your 0:04:40.120 --> 0:04:41.320 relationship with your father. 0:04:43.960 --> 0:04:49.000 Now and then then? It wasn't too bad, but I 0:04:49.000 --> 0:04:51.560 did end up like running away. I left my dad 0:04:51.680 --> 0:04:53.280 around twelve thirteen. 0:04:54.000 --> 0:04:56.320 So you were when your mom passed you we were 0:04:56.360 --> 0:04:58.040 at home with your father, was home with my dad 0:04:58.200 --> 0:05:01.080 a normal school routine, and then we moved. 0:05:01.080 --> 0:05:03.600 He got a new girlfriend, and then he had another 0:05:03.640 --> 0:05:08.880 two kids. Okay, gotcha, Yeah, and then yeah, I reckon. 0:05:08.960 --> 0:05:11.200 They broke up and maybe a year later I was 0:05:11.240 --> 0:05:14.000 still living with him and he had a new wife, 0:05:14.040 --> 0:05:17.080 and then yeah, I just left. I reckon. I was 0:05:17.080 --> 0:05:18.000 like twelve thirteen. 0:05:19.200 --> 0:05:26.240 Yeah, and did that manifest because of your dad, you know, 0:05:26.920 --> 0:05:31.080 having a new partner, having more children. How did you 0:05:31.080 --> 0:05:33.800 get on with your step siblings? 0:05:34.200 --> 0:05:40.200 Yeah, yeah, so my younger ones. Once they broke up, 0:05:41.160 --> 0:05:43.559 we didn't have any contact with them, so I didn't 0:05:43.680 --> 0:05:48.719 actually speak to them until like fourteen years later. There 0:05:48.760 --> 0:05:51.440 was no contact, so and then their mom died, so 0:05:51.520 --> 0:05:52.880 then it was just sort of like a. 0:05:54.680 --> 0:05:55.520 Sort of like a domino. 0:05:57.360 --> 0:05:59.360 Yeah, and then they went and lived with their auntie 0:05:59.400 --> 0:06:03.960 and stuff like that. And yeah, I think I was 0:06:04.040 --> 0:06:07.040 just like constantly living in survival mode and didn't feel 0:06:07.040 --> 0:06:09.800 safe where I was and there was a lot going on, 0:06:09.880 --> 0:06:11.880 and I think it sort of took me like a 0:06:11.920 --> 0:06:14.479 month that I sat on the idea of like leaving 0:06:14.720 --> 0:06:17.960 and running away, somebody running away, but it sort of 0:06:18.040 --> 0:06:20.680 was and then you have one day I was just 0:06:20.680 --> 0:06:24.240 like I'm leaving and I just left, So, yeah. 0:06:24.080 --> 0:06:26.719 What was what was your mindset? Did you feel alone? 0:06:26.760 --> 0:06:29.640 Did you feel afraid? Did you feel quite isolated? What 0:06:30.080 --> 0:06:30.960 was what was going for you? 0:06:30.960 --> 0:06:31.360 I think. 0:06:33.360 --> 0:06:36.800 There's a confusion of all those emotions and just. 0:06:36.760 --> 0:06:39.600 Knowing that I wasn't where I wanted to be, I 0:06:39.640 --> 0:06:41.080 wasn't doing what I wanted to do. Is I felt 0:06:41.120 --> 0:06:42.000 like I couldn't do anything? 0:06:43.160 --> 0:06:44.800 What did you want to do? Where did you want 0:06:44.839 --> 0:06:45.839 to be or didn't you know? 0:06:46.279 --> 0:06:47.880 Well? I didn't know. I sort of had ideas I 0:06:47.880 --> 0:06:49.520 wanted to be a teacher, and I wanted to do this. 0:06:49.800 --> 0:06:54.159 And then in that I think if I hadn't have left, 0:06:54.200 --> 0:06:56.400 I think my path would have led me somewhere else. 0:06:56.440 --> 0:06:58.479 So I think it was also knowing that if I 0:06:58.520 --> 0:07:02.800 wanted to go and pursue those things and basically do 0:07:02.920 --> 0:07:05.200 whatever the hell I wanted to do, I knew I 0:07:05.720 --> 0:07:08.360 had to leave. So I think that was like the 0:07:08.600 --> 0:07:13.600 decision making process in that. And I have not spoken 0:07:13.600 --> 0:07:14.360 to my dad since. 0:07:15.080 --> 0:07:17.480 Oh wow, So at the moment you left the house, 0:07:17.800 --> 0:07:20.200 So when you say you ran away, you didn't know 0:07:20.240 --> 0:07:24.320 what you Yeah, you were gone, gone, gone for Where 0:07:24.360 --> 0:07:26.360 did you go? What did you do? Who did you seek? What? 0:07:26.760 --> 0:07:28.280 How picked me up? 0:07:28.440 --> 0:07:30.920 Did you know in your head that once you left 0:07:30.960 --> 0:07:32.560 that was going to be it? Or did you think 0:07:32.760 --> 0:07:34.360 I'm just going to do this just to you. 0:07:34.320 --> 0:07:36.960 Know, I think deep down on you but also the 0:07:37.000 --> 0:07:39.120 unknown you guys, you never actually know what's going to 0:07:39.120 --> 0:07:42.920 happen when you do something you've never done before. Yeah, 0:07:42.960 --> 0:07:45.960 and yeah, like I called my nan on Monday one 0:07:46.040 --> 0:07:48.800 hundred reverts and I was like, I think I'm going 0:07:48.880 --> 0:07:50.480 to leave now, so like, can you come pick me up? 0:07:50.520 --> 0:07:52.120 And I'll just like go home and get some stuff. 0:07:52.360 --> 0:07:55.040 She lived an hour away, so yeah, I just went 0:07:55.120 --> 0:07:56.720 did that, grab some stuff and then called her back 0:07:56.760 --> 0:07:58.000 and then just went way for her. 0:07:58.160 --> 0:07:59.520 Did you have time to miss your mom? And do 0:07:59.560 --> 0:08:01.000 you think that's why you rang your nan? 0:08:02.600 --> 0:08:04.760 I don't think I had time to miss my mum 0:08:04.840 --> 0:08:06.840 or to sort of even still process. I think I 0:08:06.880 --> 0:08:08.600 was just like living in survival mode that I was 0:08:08.680 --> 0:08:13.520 just really getting by each day, and I think the 0:08:14.560 --> 0:08:17.440 processing my mom and grieving her and even missing her 0:08:17.560 --> 0:08:20.480 came later. I think I just called my nan because 0:08:20.520 --> 0:08:23.160 I didn't really have anywhere else to sort of go, 0:08:23.760 --> 0:08:27.120 and I used you to come and get me. But yeah, 0:08:27.160 --> 0:08:31.400 I think that came later, when around maybe eighteen, that 0:08:32.040 --> 0:08:35.040 all of that stuff sort of caught up with me. 0:08:35.880 --> 0:08:39.800 It does. It's the same with myself. When I was five, 0:08:39.920 --> 0:08:43.000 my father passed away. How was it like living with 0:08:43.040 --> 0:08:47.040 your nan? Did you make your NaN's life easy? Well? 0:08:47.080 --> 0:08:49.520 I went to live with my auntie, like my dad's sister, 0:08:50.559 --> 0:08:54.920 and look not very dissimilar to living with my dad 0:08:55.040 --> 0:08:57.680 in different ways, So I guess same sort of thing, 0:08:58.120 --> 0:09:00.000 sort of just like survival mode and sort of get 0:09:01.280 --> 0:09:05.520 but in that I was in a better place than 0:09:05.559 --> 0:09:08.839 I was living with my dad, and so I think 0:09:08.880 --> 0:09:11.600 I lived with them until about eighteen, and then as 0:09:11.640 --> 0:09:15.360 soon as I finished school, I got a traineeship at 0:09:15.400 --> 0:09:20.040 the special school where I was living. And yeah, so 0:09:20.040 --> 0:09:21.480 I did that trainee ship for a year, and then 0:09:21.520 --> 0:09:23.800 I started teaching online and worked in a special school 0:09:24.000 --> 0:09:26.679 I think for another three years, and then I went 0:09:26.720 --> 0:09:30.480 to mainstream and did two years there, and then I 0:09:30.480 --> 0:09:32.839 was a welfare officer in a primary school for one 0:09:32.880 --> 0:09:33.240 more year. 0:09:34.280 --> 0:09:40.800 Wow, So you know this, your your childhood is without 0:09:40.840 --> 0:09:43.960 you realizing, it's breeding resilience, it's breeding strength. You know 0:09:44.080 --> 0:09:47.480 you're you know you're still here, so you're you're getting stronger, 0:09:47.520 --> 0:09:49.679 you're learning to live with not only yourself, but you're 0:09:49.720 --> 0:09:52.960 learning to live with other people. You've had to grow 0:09:53.080 --> 0:09:56.599 up super quick. And you said that with at the 0:09:56.640 --> 0:09:58.760 age of eighteen, it started, you know, you started to 0:09:58.800 --> 0:10:01.480 realize and missing your mom and going through that process 0:10:01.480 --> 0:10:04.760 of grieving. When did that initially hit you do? Was 0:10:04.760 --> 0:10:06.880 there a moment that hit you where someone says something 0:10:06.960 --> 0:10:10.440 or was it just it just like trickle fed into I. 0:10:10.440 --> 0:10:13.880 Think it's trickle fed because I was the kids that 0:10:13.920 --> 0:10:15.960 I was working with come from a lot of trauma 0:10:16.000 --> 0:10:19.040 themselves and had a lot of challenging behaviors, and so 0:10:19.280 --> 0:10:22.480 looking at the kids and observing them that you know, 0:10:22.520 --> 0:10:25.400 were affected by traumas or a lot of myself without 0:10:25.480 --> 0:10:31.120 actually realizing. And then when I studied child and adolescent development, 0:10:31.320 --> 0:10:35.000 especially in like a trauma lens, I think I just 0:10:35.040 --> 0:10:36.840 remember I was like, is this play about me? 0:10:37.280 --> 0:10:39.680 Yeah? Yeah, wow, I was like, this is me. 0:10:40.920 --> 0:10:43.600 So I learned a lot about myself then, and I 0:10:43.640 --> 0:10:46.120 think that was the time where I really processed everything 0:10:46.240 --> 0:10:48.560 and was able to like look at it in a 0:10:48.559 --> 0:10:51.760 different way and also look at the kids in a 0:10:51.760 --> 0:10:54.600 different way and be able to understand them a lot more, 0:10:54.640 --> 0:10:57.160 and you know, I think that's where like the passion 0:10:57.240 --> 0:11:00.280 came from being able to understand the kids and you know, 0:11:00.400 --> 0:11:05.400 even just understanding their behavior, why they're disruptive, and you know, 0:11:05.440 --> 0:11:09.080 there's a lot more to it. And I think in 0:11:09.120 --> 0:11:10.880 that also read the book The Body that Keeps the 0:11:10.880 --> 0:11:14.120 Score and the same thing. I think, I read that 0:11:14.160 --> 0:11:16.360 once a year, and I always pick up on something 0:11:16.360 --> 0:11:20.240 else I learn about myself. And I think just like 0:11:20.480 --> 0:11:22.959 studying that and learning those things made me really self 0:11:23.000 --> 0:11:28.480 aware about how my trauma has affected me. Probably in 0:11:28.520 --> 0:11:29.280 everyday life. 0:11:39.400 --> 0:11:42.360 When did you feel, you know, outside of that survival mode, 0:11:42.360 --> 0:11:45.400 when did you feel at most sort of peace with yourself? 0:11:45.559 --> 0:11:46.800 Are you just for I do know what, I'm in 0:11:46.800 --> 0:11:47.599 a good place. 0:11:47.320 --> 0:11:51.760 Here, I think like every day after that. 0:11:52.000 --> 0:11:55.360 Yeah, yeah, yeah, every day survival motive. Yeah yeah, yeah. 0:11:55.400 --> 0:11:58.680 I think it also gave me a big push to 0:11:58.840 --> 0:12:00.800 sort of like look at my life and figure out 0:12:00.800 --> 0:12:02.480 what I wanted to do and where I wanted to 0:12:02.480 --> 0:12:04.880 be and sort of like in a weird way, sort 0:12:04.920 --> 0:12:08.079 of design a life or like create a life that 0:12:08.360 --> 0:12:13.280 made me happy and made me fulfilled. And you know, 0:12:14.040 --> 0:12:16.920 I think a part of that, you know, there's a 0:12:16.960 --> 0:12:19.800 lot of like intergenerational trauma and those type of things 0:12:19.840 --> 0:12:24.320 within my family. So I think even just being able 0:12:24.360 --> 0:12:27.640 to understand that and figure out how I fit in 0:12:27.679 --> 0:12:31.240 that and how I fit in that with my family, 0:12:31.360 --> 0:12:35.079 because like you know, my family is very different and 0:12:35.120 --> 0:12:40.000 with there's half siblings, they're all everywhere. And yeah, I 0:12:40.000 --> 0:12:44.560 think just being able to look create a life myself 0:12:45.280 --> 0:12:46.160 I reckon. 0:12:46.240 --> 0:12:49.440 And what did that look like when when you managed 0:12:49.520 --> 0:12:51.840 to do that or when you you know you're no 0:12:51.960 --> 0:12:57.240 longer running from from yourself? Ultimately, what did that life 0:12:57.240 --> 0:12:59.559 look like? And what did you have planned out? And 0:13:00.120 --> 0:13:01.760 was a roadmap that you had for yourself? 0:13:02.120 --> 0:13:03.960 So it sounds like I had all of that, but 0:13:04.040 --> 0:13:05.720 I didn't. I think it was just being able to 0:13:05.720 --> 0:13:08.280 actually live in the present for the first time and 0:13:08.960 --> 0:13:12.160 be able to do what I wanted to do and 0:13:12.200 --> 0:13:13.720 what was going to make me happy. 0:13:14.040 --> 0:13:15.360 Really, could you be yourself? 0:13:15.600 --> 0:13:16.280 Could? Yeah? 0:13:16.600 --> 0:13:18.719 You felt you felt like there was a sense of 0:13:19.280 --> 0:13:26.840 normality settling there for sure, And then all this is happening, 0:13:26.920 --> 0:13:30.360 you find yourself in a good place, do you take forward? 0:13:30.400 --> 0:13:34.160 Do you injure yourself when playing cricket? And then you think, 0:13:34.320 --> 0:13:36.920 you know, you think it's just an injury, and it 0:13:36.960 --> 0:13:40.760 turns out to be something that ultimately ends up, you know, 0:13:41.040 --> 0:13:45.160 turning your life back upside down, if you wish to 0:13:45.200 --> 0:13:47.720 take me back to that moment when you when you 0:13:47.800 --> 0:13:50.520 realize that, wow, this is a lot more serious than 0:13:51.120 --> 0:13:51.800 I thought it was. 0:13:52.080 --> 0:13:54.360 Yeah. Well it was a cricket bat. I was playing 0:13:54.360 --> 0:13:58.200 cricket with the with the kids, and so the plastic 0:13:58.240 --> 0:14:00.000 cricket bat just like brushed the side of my own 0:14:00.080 --> 0:14:03.000 cool and yeah, I just like fell over and it 0:14:03.040 --> 0:14:04.760 took me like a whole minute to get out because 0:14:04.800 --> 0:14:06.520 it like really hurt. You know when you sort of 0:14:06.600 --> 0:14:09.960 hit your funny bones paralyzes. Yeah, it was sort of 0:14:10.000 --> 0:14:10.400 like that. 0:14:10.559 --> 0:14:12.600 And that was on your ankle, on my ankle, yeah, 0:14:12.640 --> 0:14:16.480 outside of inside inside the inside of you, with. 0:14:16.400 --> 0:14:18.240 Like a little bit of like nerve pain. That was 0:14:18.360 --> 0:14:22.280 really weird pain. And then I guess that sort of 0:14:22.360 --> 0:14:24.560 just like alerted me into this pain. And I think 0:14:24.760 --> 0:14:27.040 like for three weeks I just had this random pain 0:14:27.320 --> 0:14:28.040 that was like weird. 0:14:28.440 --> 0:14:30.760 You didn't think anything of it. You decided what we 0:14:30.840 --> 0:14:31.680 just had an accident. 0:14:32.280 --> 0:14:35.360 I thought maybe the cricket bat like hit something. Yeah, 0:14:35.880 --> 0:14:36.960 there's nothing I could have done. 0:14:37.320 --> 0:14:39.840 Yeah, exactly and there wasn't. It wasn't it just skimmed 0:14:39.840 --> 0:14:41.920 it right, so it must have. Yeah, yeah, so it 0:14:42.000 --> 0:14:44.720 wasn't any direct impact or anything. So you're just thinking, 0:14:44.720 --> 0:14:45.160 do you know what? 0:14:45.280 --> 0:14:48.240 I was only like, I was also like big into CrossFit, 0:14:48.280 --> 0:14:50.880 so I was like training six days a week, so 0:14:50.920 --> 0:14:52.480 I also thought it was something to do with that, 0:14:52.560 --> 0:14:56.440 and I didn't pay much attention to it. But yeah, 0:14:56.480 --> 0:14:58.160 I ended up going to the doctors I think maybe 0:14:58.200 --> 0:15:01.200 like three weeks after, and she told me how to cast. 0:15:01.200 --> 0:15:02.760 If I'd ligament, There's nothing I could do, so I 0:15:03.040 --> 0:15:06.240 left it and then it just like got worse. And 0:15:06.360 --> 0:15:09.960 then I got diagnosed with like an ostereoosteroid, which is 0:15:10.080 --> 0:15:13.640 like a benign tumor in the bone in the same 0:15:13.720 --> 0:15:17.920 bone in the ankle right, And then I was on 0:15:18.040 --> 0:15:19.880 a waiting this to have that removed. I was on 0:15:19.920 --> 0:15:22.800 that waiting this for ten months, and the pain in 0:15:22.880 --> 0:15:26.200 those ten months, I would have like four to six 0:15:26.520 --> 0:15:28.280 every four to six hours, I'd have to take one 0:15:28.360 --> 0:15:32.040 panet or one ibuproven for that pain to stop, because 0:15:32.120 --> 0:15:34.600 like if it hit it would take like two hours 0:15:34.640 --> 0:15:36.160 for it to stop. Would sort of just like numb 0:15:36.240 --> 0:15:37.640 my whole leg and I wouldn't be able to walk. 0:15:38.240 --> 0:15:40.080 So you was just staying on top of it for 0:15:40.640 --> 0:15:45.160 ten months, Yeah, every day medicating waiting for this operation 0:15:45.480 --> 0:15:47.360 or for this operation around. 0:15:47.120 --> 0:15:49.480 Because I'd go back and You're like, it's getting worse, 0:15:49.560 --> 0:15:50.480 Like I can barely sleep. 0:15:51.040 --> 0:15:52.840 Do you think, oh if I strap it up or 0:15:53.000 --> 0:15:55.040 we Yeah, I did everything, you've done it, You've done 0:15:55.080 --> 0:15:56.520 everything you can still wasn't. 0:15:56.320 --> 0:15:58.640 Because it was like looking back now I can say 0:15:58.680 --> 0:16:01.280 it was inside the bone, but back then I was 0:16:01.440 --> 0:16:03.720 I had no idea because even strapping it would hurt, 0:16:04.280 --> 0:16:06.720 like touching that side of my ankle, like even just 0:16:06.800 --> 0:16:10.280 the skin it would kill, like it would paralyze. Even 0:16:10.320 --> 0:16:12.080 if I put a sock on, like I had to 0:16:12.320 --> 0:16:13.280 like not touch it. 0:16:15.560 --> 0:16:16.720 Because I was that bad. 0:16:16.840 --> 0:16:19.400 That's how bad it was. Yeah, And then after ten 0:16:19.480 --> 0:16:21.640 months there was still no movement on the list. So 0:16:23.040 --> 0:16:24.760 I just like chose to go private and pay I 0:16:24.800 --> 0:16:27.720 think it was like five thousand dollars for the for 0:16:27.840 --> 0:16:30.560 him to treat what they had diagnosed me with. But 0:16:30.720 --> 0:16:33.800 the surgeon was a psackoma surgeon, which was like a 0:16:33.880 --> 0:16:36.560 cancer surgeon, and so what they were doing to treat 0:16:36.640 --> 0:16:38.400 that is I put a needle in the middle of 0:16:38.480 --> 0:16:40.440 it and to ninety degree is leaving there for six 0:16:40.480 --> 0:16:42.640 minutes to pull it out, and it was done, and 0:16:43.720 --> 0:16:46.160 so it's a CT guided procedure. But when he got 0:16:46.200 --> 0:16:48.320 the image up, he knew straight away that it was 0:16:48.360 --> 0:16:53.160 like psychoma, and so he treated it as he was 0:16:53.200 --> 0:16:57.120 supposed to and then took some more biopsies, and then 0:16:57.400 --> 0:17:00.240 I remember him like, I remember him saying that I 0:17:00.280 --> 0:17:02.040 would walk out of the hospital leg pain free, like 0:17:02.080 --> 0:17:03.200 would go straight away. 0:17:03.880 --> 0:17:06.480 So what was the case of doing a simple op Yeah, 0:17:06.760 --> 0:17:09.919 just and just removing moving apart of the. 0:17:10.840 --> 0:17:12.640 Just removing the tim with the with the heat. 0:17:12.920 --> 0:17:16.720 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so you're thinking that this 0:17:16.800 --> 0:17:20.000 stage right good? Yes, chill yeah, chill yeah, chill. 0:17:20.160 --> 0:17:21.879 Right. Then I limped out of the hospital and that 0:17:21.920 --> 0:17:24.679 was when I was like, why is this still sore? Right? 0:17:24.800 --> 0:17:28.000 So that happened and then you limped out the hospital. 0:17:28.280 --> 0:17:30.560 And then about a week later the surgeon called me 0:17:30.600 --> 0:17:32.680 and the results I come back from the biopsy, which 0:17:33.920 --> 0:17:36.800 it was like an osteopsychoma, which is bone cancer in 0:17:36.880 --> 0:17:39.920 the ankle, and I think at that stage it was 0:17:39.960 --> 0:17:44.040 like a centimeter in diameter, so it was like quite small. Yeah, 0:17:44.520 --> 0:17:49.280 not too big and yeah, so pretty much started chemo. 0:17:50.480 --> 0:17:52.600 I think the week after that I went straight into. 0:17:53.240 --> 0:17:55.200 Was this due to the trauma of the of the 0:17:55.280 --> 0:17:55.760 quick amount? 0:17:56.080 --> 0:17:59.080 Oh yeah. So essentially all it is is like your 0:17:59.119 --> 0:18:02.920 bone cells just get muddled up when they're forming the bone. 0:18:03.520 --> 0:18:07.640 So typically it happens to children adolescent. I think maybe 0:18:07.680 --> 0:18:09.639 I just went through a growth spurt by twenty one, 0:18:09.880 --> 0:18:12.639 still growing and yeah, the souls just get muddled up 0:18:12.640 --> 0:18:13.520 and then turn into cancer. 0:18:13.880 --> 0:18:16.280 When do you realize how serious is You know this is? 0:18:16.520 --> 0:18:19.720 You're feeling the pain, obviously you know it, but the 0:18:19.800 --> 0:18:22.159 doctors are saying, yeah, we do this, You're gonna limp out. No, 0:18:22.200 --> 0:18:24.240 why he's at all? And when do they go, well, actually, 0:18:25.520 --> 0:18:28.680 this is James coming. You need to sit down, buddy, 0:18:28.800 --> 0:18:30.000 we we need to talk about this. 0:18:30.320 --> 0:18:32.159 I think the moment I left the hospital, I was 0:18:32.200 --> 0:18:34.200 sort of like, something's a bit weird about this. And 0:18:34.320 --> 0:18:36.440 then I still had pain the week after, like the 0:18:36.520 --> 0:18:39.200 pain had never gone away, and so I think in 0:18:39.320 --> 0:18:42.040 that I was sort of just not preparing myself for 0:18:42.080 --> 0:18:44.960 the worst. But you know, it's subconsciously I was like, 0:18:45.040 --> 0:18:48.400 I know something's wrong. I would be surprised if nothing 0:18:48.480 --> 0:18:52.000 else happens as a result. But yeah, he called me 0:18:52.080 --> 0:18:53.600 the week after because he couldn't get me into the 0:18:53.600 --> 0:18:57.119 week after that, and he deserted and just didn't want 0:18:57.119 --> 0:18:59.960 to leave me all weekend and be like, I can't 0:19:00.200 --> 0:19:01.680 not tell you why. I'm making an appointment for you 0:19:01.760 --> 0:19:04.360 next week, so I'm just going to tell you have cancer. Wow, 0:19:05.359 --> 0:19:08.320 And which I wasn't surprised, so I think in that 0:19:08.520 --> 0:19:11.800 was probably like more relief. It all made sense. 0:19:13.000 --> 0:19:15.960 And what's your personal life look like when he tells 0:19:16.000 --> 0:19:18.800 you this year? Are you alone? Have you got a partner? 0:19:18.960 --> 0:19:21.840 Are you living by yourself? Because you know that support 0:19:21.960 --> 0:19:27.159 network is so vitally important. When you receive, you know, 0:19:27.440 --> 0:19:31.840 such information that you've got cancer, it's like, well, who do. 0:19:31.880 --> 0:19:32.240 You go to? 0:19:32.400 --> 0:19:33.440 Did you have anyone to go to? 0:19:33.640 --> 0:19:35.920 Well? I think growing up, my whole support system is 0:19:35.920 --> 0:19:40.720 always me, So I guess I even now when things happen, 0:19:40.760 --> 0:19:43.440 I just fall back into that. I mean, obviously I 0:19:43.480 --> 0:19:46.920 have friends and a support system, but yeah, in that moment, 0:19:46.960 --> 0:19:49.600 I was living alone. I had a full time job, 0:19:50.200 --> 0:19:52.200 and I was working at schools but at the school holidays, 0:19:52.760 --> 0:19:55.920 so I was like, crap, I'm not going to be 0:19:55.920 --> 0:19:58.520 able to go back next term. But I also don't 0:19:58.560 --> 0:19:58.760 know that. 0:20:00.359 --> 0:20:03.080 And you've you've gained this resilience and gained this sort 0:20:03.119 --> 0:20:08.159 of strength of isolation of being by yourself. That's all 0:20:08.200 --> 0:20:13.960 you've known growing up, right, So so ultimately then I'm 0:20:14.000 --> 0:20:15.800 not sure the coating this in any way, but when 0:20:15.880 --> 0:20:19.120 he when you've received that information, it was a case 0:20:19.160 --> 0:20:23.119 of right, okay, I'm just you know, I've dealt with 0:20:23.680 --> 0:20:25.320 you know, I've dealt with this all my whole life. 0:20:25.359 --> 0:20:27.080 You know I've dealt with I've dealt with you know, 0:20:27.880 --> 0:20:30.720 with with and I'm going to deal with with with 0:20:30.960 --> 0:20:32.840 this diagnosis right now. 0:20:33.080 --> 0:20:36.560 I think it was also time and place. Like before 0:20:36.640 --> 0:20:38.280 what I was saying, I wanted to create myself like 0:20:38.320 --> 0:20:40.480 a great life, and I had. I was doing everything 0:20:40.520 --> 0:20:42.600 I wanted to do in a job that I've always 0:20:42.640 --> 0:20:44.960 wanted to do, but I also sort of felt stuck 0:20:45.000 --> 0:20:47.440 in my life, and I also didn't know what was next, 0:20:47.560 --> 0:20:52.399 or like I didn't feel feel fulfilled, and so I 0:20:52.480 --> 0:20:54.280 didn't know what I wanted to do next. I guess 0:20:54.800 --> 0:20:58.040 so in that when he did tell me, for me, 0:20:58.200 --> 0:21:02.480 it was more just acceptance of, well, this was supposed 0:21:02.520 --> 0:21:05.440 to happen, and maybe this is what I needed to 0:21:05.520 --> 0:21:08.920 stop feeling stuck, if that makes sense, Like it was 0:21:09.000 --> 0:21:12.800 a new path, which is exactly what happened. 0:21:13.720 --> 0:21:16.200 So you're making the best of a bad situation. Basically, 0:21:16.240 --> 0:21:19.320 you're going, look this, listen, this is I can't change it. 0:21:19.400 --> 0:21:21.520 I'm not going to try and control what I can't control. 0:21:23.080 --> 0:21:24.560 But now I need to you know, this is this 0:21:24.640 --> 0:21:27.440 has forced me into a new into a new head space. 0:21:27.480 --> 0:21:29.280 It has forced me into into a new space that 0:21:29.359 --> 0:21:30.120 I need to figure out. 0:21:30.760 --> 0:21:33.440 Yeah, and I think even see, I don't even look 0:21:33.440 --> 0:21:36.800 at us a bad situation, like I understand, like cancer 0:21:36.960 --> 0:21:41.080 is scary, obviously can die. But I look back now 0:21:41.320 --> 0:21:44.600 and even in the moment, actually probably one of the 0:21:44.720 --> 0:21:50.359 nice experiences I've had in my life where the time 0:21:50.440 --> 0:21:52.760 that I spent even in hospital with like the nurses, 0:21:52.840 --> 0:21:57.080 some of them are my friends now, and you know, 0:21:57.280 --> 0:21:59.040 being able to go there and then go back home, 0:21:59.160 --> 0:22:02.160 and it was like it but in that I actually 0:22:02.200 --> 0:22:05.399 really enjoyed it. It's actually a really nice experience and 0:22:05.480 --> 0:22:08.760 also a really nice experience to carry through, I guess 0:22:08.880 --> 0:22:10.760 for the rest of my life. 0:22:11.119 --> 0:22:12.720 Do you think that do you think that was because 0:22:12.800 --> 0:22:15.239 people were going on the journey with you rather than 0:22:15.320 --> 0:22:16.920 you going on a journey by yourself. 0:22:18.640 --> 0:22:21.680 Yes, I would definitely say yes, Like I feel like 0:22:21.760 --> 0:22:24.240 then you definitely find you figure out who your friends 0:22:24.320 --> 0:22:27.520 and your family are and your support system is. But 0:22:27.720 --> 0:22:31.800 I also like kept everything like pretty private from my 0:22:31.880 --> 0:22:34.720 friends and my family just because I actually feel like 0:22:36.480 --> 0:22:39.280 their sort of grief within it themselves was harder for 0:22:39.400 --> 0:22:43.520 me because I didn't feel the same. They had a 0:22:43.560 --> 0:22:46.760 lot of trouble like processing the emotions and being scared, 0:22:47.520 --> 0:22:49.280 where I was just sort of chill. 0:22:51.160 --> 0:22:53.359 You're a pretty chill guy, James, So I have to 0:22:53.440 --> 0:22:53.840 give you that. 0:22:54.119 --> 0:22:57.200 So in that I sort of just like, yeah, I 0:22:58.960 --> 0:23:01.359 sort of shielded them from that and just didn't speak 0:23:01.680 --> 0:23:03.800 or told them anything until I was ready. 0:23:05.920 --> 0:23:08.479 And so when did you get that news? When did 0:23:08.520 --> 0:23:11.000 they say to you, we're gonna have to chop your 0:23:11.040 --> 0:23:13.600 leg off? Oh yeah, what was that news? 0:23:13.760 --> 0:23:13.800 Like? 0:23:13.920 --> 0:23:17.920 Because that's yeah, I know you're chill, you're chill, but 0:23:18.160 --> 0:23:18.800 that must. 0:23:19.520 --> 0:23:21.800 I was chill And I don't even want to say that. 0:23:24.280 --> 0:23:27.359 My actually asked me about it the other day. I'm like, Oh, 0:23:27.400 --> 0:23:30.320 that was chilly. It's just like it must be really desensitized. 0:23:31.880 --> 0:23:36.200 I'm like, no, not. I actually just don't care. What 0:23:36.440 --> 0:23:37.680 was that like? It was interesting. 0:23:38.280 --> 0:23:40.359 I just take me through that day when you get 0:23:40.359 --> 0:23:41.919 the phone call and they go come in and they 0:23:42.000 --> 0:23:44.280 sit you down and they go we're gonna we're gonna 0:23:44.320 --> 0:23:45.119 love your leg off you. 0:23:45.320 --> 0:23:47.640 Well, that was never at the start. At the start, 0:23:47.760 --> 0:23:49.480 this was just a centimeter that we're going to start 0:23:49.480 --> 0:23:52.240 off with chemo. Yeah, the treatment plans like chemo for 0:23:52.320 --> 0:23:56.320 three months and then they look again to see like 0:23:56.400 --> 0:23:59.760 what the chemo is doing and how the cancers reacting 0:23:59.800 --> 0:24:01.240 to it and responding to it, and then they would 0:24:01.280 --> 0:24:05.960 look at a surgical plan. In the three months of chemo, 0:24:06.760 --> 0:24:10.080 the pain just got worse. Actually, there were like two 0:24:10.160 --> 0:24:13.639 occasions where I think I was even in the hospital 0:24:13.680 --> 0:24:17.360 and they probably had given me every strong like pay 0:24:17.440 --> 0:24:20.159 med occasion that they could have that in the end 0:24:20.400 --> 0:24:22.640 that ended up knocking me out because I couldn't sleep 0:24:22.720 --> 0:24:26.080 because of the pain. Yeah, so chema for three months, 0:24:26.080 --> 0:24:29.680 and they went back for the scans to find out 0:24:29.680 --> 0:24:31.679 what they were going to do in surgery, which up 0:24:31.760 --> 0:24:34.480 until then they had always told me a bone graft. 0:24:35.960 --> 0:24:39.280 But I think the pain is getting worse. I remember 0:24:39.320 --> 0:24:43.280 that morning and I just actually had a dream that 0:24:43.520 --> 0:24:47.600 night that my surgeon told me amputation. Oh really yeah yeah, 0:24:47.960 --> 0:24:49.600 And so I woke up in the morning. I was 0:24:49.640 --> 0:24:53.920 sort of not surprised, and I was also like I 0:24:54.080 --> 0:24:56.200 didn't know anything about prosthetics. I didn't know anything. And 0:24:56.240 --> 0:24:58.000 I remember that morning I was like, because my numb 0:24:58.119 --> 0:24:59.440 was there, I didn't want her to see, but I 0:24:59.520 --> 0:25:02.280 was like google prosthetics and just like, oh you were you. Yeah. 0:25:02.359 --> 0:25:07.159 I was just like researching how all that works. And 0:25:07.320 --> 0:25:10.000 then when I got there for the appointment, they give 0:25:10.040 --> 0:25:13.280 you like a little appointment slip. I only had one appointment, 0:25:14.000 --> 0:25:15.639 true slips came out and I was like, where's that 0:25:15.680 --> 0:25:17.760 second appointment coming from? And I was like I know 0:25:17.840 --> 0:25:21.639 what this is. So yeah, when I went in and 0:25:21.680 --> 0:25:25.399 the search and told me amputation, yeah, I was just 0:25:25.840 --> 0:25:31.840 actually chill, yeah, no response. And there was also like 0:25:32.560 --> 0:25:36.880 one of the social worker in there from the hospital 0:25:36.920 --> 0:25:38.480 and they were both just like looking at me waiting 0:25:38.520 --> 0:25:40.399 for reaction, and my nan she was crying, but I 0:25:40.520 --> 0:25:44.800 just had to ignore her for that second, respectfully. 0:25:46.400 --> 0:25:51.480 Getting there but also disrespectfully yeah keep quiet, Yeah, I'm 0:25:51.520 --> 0:25:52.480 going through this at the moment. 0:25:53.240 --> 0:25:56.760 At the moment, yeah, that was just like staring at 0:25:56.840 --> 0:25:59.480 me for a reaction, and I was just like looking 0:25:59.480 --> 0:26:02.639 at them, but both like okay, I can sign it now, 0:26:02.720 --> 0:26:04.679 because I just wanted to get out of there instead 0:26:04.680 --> 0:26:08.159 of them staring at me. And so yeah, the surgeon 0:26:08.480 --> 0:26:10.280 was like, ay, sure, like we can do the other option. 0:26:10.400 --> 0:26:13.000 I'm like, well, it's actually not really an option, so yeah, 0:26:13.040 --> 0:26:16.160 I'm sure. The other option was to remove the whole 0:26:16.160 --> 0:26:18.159 ankle joint, because the cancer ended up going around the 0:26:18.160 --> 0:26:23.200 whole ankle joint, and so the first well, the alternate 0:26:23.320 --> 0:26:26.320 option was to remove the ankle joint and then put 0:26:26.400 --> 0:26:30.680 a rod up through my heel to hold the foot 0:26:30.760 --> 0:26:33.240 and the I know, the angle that's not there together, 0:26:33.400 --> 0:26:33.720 I don't know. 0:26:34.240 --> 0:26:37.680 Yeah, but then an ankle reconstruction. 0:26:37.960 --> 0:26:41.119 Yeah, but then I'd have a fixed ankle as well. 0:26:41.160 --> 0:26:44.920 I wouldn't be able to remove it, and then there's 0:26:44.960 --> 0:26:47.399 like skin contaminations, so then I'd have to have plastic 0:26:47.480 --> 0:26:50.719 surgery to remove parts of the skin where the cancer 0:26:51.000 --> 0:26:55.800 the souls were so they don't turn cancerous, and greater 0:26:55.920 --> 0:26:57.040 risk of the cancer coming back. 0:26:57.440 --> 0:27:00.320 You're still very active, right, You're still sporty still. 0:27:01.359 --> 0:27:03.119 That would have limited me, yeah, and it would have 0:27:03.359 --> 0:27:05.480 annoyed me that I would have wanted them to actually 0:27:05.520 --> 0:27:06.000 chop it off. 0:27:06.400 --> 0:27:09.920 Yeah exactly, So there was a multiple You already calculated it, 0:27:09.960 --> 0:27:11.399 like you said that you already had the answer in 0:27:11.440 --> 0:27:11.720 your head. 0:27:11.760 --> 0:27:12.520 I was already into it. 0:27:13.640 --> 0:27:16.120 So take me through the day that they actually decided 0:27:16.520 --> 0:27:17.199 to put you. 0:27:17.240 --> 0:27:19.680 On there, and oh yeah, so happened the week after? 0:27:20.040 --> 0:27:22.920 Oh so that quick? So you made the decision. You 0:27:22.960 --> 0:27:23.879 want to talk you out of it? 0:27:24.160 --> 0:27:28.720 Was anyone know that I did? Not necessarily because like 0:27:28.880 --> 0:27:32.440 in the appointment that day, I signed the paperwork and 0:27:33.800 --> 0:27:36.240 after that was like all rightyes, So like when I 0:27:36.320 --> 0:27:38.639 thought maybe like a month, it's like next Tuesday, I 0:27:38.680 --> 0:27:46.800 was okay, great, yeah, yeah, wow, and look scary because 0:27:46.840 --> 0:27:49.160 you're like having a leg chopped off. And my sisters 0:27:49.200 --> 0:27:52.000 were there and they had freaked me out. But like, 0:27:52.080 --> 0:27:56.320 imagine if they take the wrong leg when they take both. 0:27:57.720 --> 0:28:01.639 Ye. Now, yeah, obviously talk you through where they're going 0:28:01.720 --> 0:28:02.360 to take it from. 0:28:02.560 --> 0:28:06.760 And I just knew it was blowney And maybe I 0:28:06.800 --> 0:28:08.919 don't know if they told me specifically. 0:28:09.240 --> 0:28:11.000 So they didn't show you any charts or anything that 0:28:11.400 --> 0:28:14.520 I like, ye, we're going to take off from here. 0:28:15.000 --> 0:28:16.240 The surgeon showed me the knife. 0:28:16.440 --> 0:28:18.240 Yeah, lovely. 0:28:18.400 --> 0:28:19.520 It was a serrated one. 0:28:19.800 --> 0:28:22.639 Because you were so chill. He's like, I want some 0:28:22.760 --> 0:28:24.120 reaction from you. James. 0:28:24.520 --> 0:28:27.399 Well, he kept explaining to me and like showing me, 0:28:27.560 --> 0:28:29.480 and then he was like trying to show me how 0:28:30.280 --> 0:28:32.720 as they're cutting with the knife, there's like a suction 0:28:32.840 --> 0:28:35.199 that like sucks up all the blood. I'm like, why 0:28:35.240 --> 0:28:35.720 are you showing me? 0:28:35.800 --> 0:28:37.639 This is my leg? 0:28:38.560 --> 0:28:41.440 Just get on with But yeah, he did sort of 0:28:41.480 --> 0:28:44.600 say the process. But what they do really is they 0:28:45.280 --> 0:28:49.000 stop all the nerve endings first and sort of I'm 0:28:49.040 --> 0:28:51.920 going to say, kill them, yeah, just so as your 0:28:51.960 --> 0:28:55.680 brain's last memory of the ankle is a pain free 0:28:55.720 --> 0:28:58.400 one because it was in pain. So they do that 0:28:58.640 --> 0:29:01.200 first to make sure that you're rain's last memory. 0:29:01.320 --> 0:29:02.720 And how do they do that is it? Is it 0:29:03.040 --> 0:29:03.920 a medicine or. 0:29:07.240 --> 0:29:09.840 Yeah? And then that's all I know. 0:29:19.880 --> 0:29:21.840 So you wake up. What's the first thing you do 0:29:21.920 --> 0:29:22.560 when you wake up? 0:29:23.120 --> 0:29:28.280 Well, I woke up with an EPI drool. So the 0:29:28.400 --> 0:29:30.240 first thing I wanted to do actually was checked to 0:29:30.280 --> 0:29:30.760 make sure. 0:29:30.720 --> 0:29:34.120 They took the correct leg because of your sisters. 0:29:35.400 --> 0:29:37.240 But there was a nurse in there and I just 0:29:37.320 --> 0:29:40.040 did not want her to know. That's what I was 0:29:40.120 --> 0:29:43.440 doing like checking and make sure the leg was the 0:29:43.560 --> 0:29:46.719 right one. So then I go through a thought process, 0:29:46.760 --> 0:29:48.280 Oh my god, why don't I just like move my 0:29:48.360 --> 0:29:51.120 left leg. I have an epidriol. So then I can't 0:29:51.120 --> 0:29:53.160 feel my left leg and I can't move that. I 0:29:53.280 --> 0:29:56.200 was like, shit, have they taken the wrong leg. But 0:29:57.120 --> 0:30:01.880 then I literally just grabbed my phone and I knew, look, 0:30:02.160 --> 0:30:04.800 I just wanted macas breaky. I don't know why. I 0:30:04.880 --> 0:30:07.200 was just craving out. It's like he's going to get 0:30:07.200 --> 0:30:09.000 it for me. And I was like, I know, if 0:30:09.040 --> 0:30:11.120 I call my sisters and tell them that's what I want, 0:30:11.280 --> 0:30:14.280 then I'm going to deliver. So I had to like, 0:30:14.600 --> 0:30:16.280 oh my god, I need you to come here. Players. 0:30:16.520 --> 0:30:20.640 Yeah, just my leg cut off, get me McDonald's. 0:30:20.800 --> 0:30:22.280 Yeah, it came straight away, and I was like, I 0:30:22.440 --> 0:30:23.480 just wanted to make his break. 0:30:24.840 --> 0:30:26.920 And they wanted to leg off. 0:30:26.960 --> 0:30:29.280 I'm like, I'm actually really fine, And is. 0:30:29.440 --> 0:30:33.400 There a moment that reality kicks in that you go WHOA, Well, 0:30:33.440 --> 0:30:37.160 actually I've got quite a quite a journey from here onwards. Yes, 0:30:37.720 --> 0:30:40.720 you straight into it, your mindset, you just straight into. 0:30:41.800 --> 0:30:46.000 So I had the surgery done on Tuesday Friday, and 0:30:46.120 --> 0:30:50.280 I still had an every drool and stuff. Friday, I reckon. 0:30:50.360 --> 0:30:52.640 I argued with the doctors all day Friday, and they 0:30:53.560 --> 0:30:57.160 settled on turning everything off but leaving it in overnight 0:30:57.240 --> 0:31:01.400 to see how it go, and they took everything out 0:31:01.400 --> 0:31:03.840 on Saturday morning. I never had pain since. 0:31:04.600 --> 0:31:08.160 Oh really, yeah, so the pain that you've been experiencing 0:31:08.320 --> 0:31:10.280 for over a year now. 0:31:10.920 --> 0:31:13.080 Was gone gone. And I had no pain from the 0:31:13.160 --> 0:31:18.160 surgical wound either, wow, which I remember in that moment 0:31:18.320 --> 0:31:20.040 when they did turn it off, I was like, oh shit, 0:31:20.120 --> 0:31:22.080 this actually might be really sore, like they did just 0:31:22.200 --> 0:31:25.840 chop a whole leg off, but you know, no pain. 0:31:26.120 --> 0:31:29.760 And they sent me home a week after because there's 0:31:29.880 --> 0:31:31.480 like no point in me being there. I was doing 0:31:31.520 --> 0:31:35.080 everything myself. And then I think I went back to 0:31:35.120 --> 0:31:42.400 cross fit while the while it was healing on one leg. 0:31:42.360 --> 0:31:44.480 You're just on crutches. You're back in the CrossFit gym. 0:31:44.600 --> 0:31:46.800 Because I hadn't had chemo, I was starting to feel 0:31:46.840 --> 0:31:49.960 like normal again, like my in terms of my energy and. 0:31:51.160 --> 0:31:54.240 So everything really is even though it's a negative situation, 0:31:54.720 --> 0:31:59.680 everything for you, pain wise, mobility wise, it was was 0:32:00.280 --> 0:32:02.920 was positive right because you're no longer in pain. I'm 0:32:02.960 --> 0:32:05.520 no longer going through chema. Get back into the gym. Yeah, 0:32:05.520 --> 0:32:08.000 I might have might be hobbling around for a bit, 0:32:08.080 --> 0:32:09.600 but I'll get used to it. I'll figure it out. 0:32:10.440 --> 0:32:12.760 So everything was I suppose a positive challenge for you, 0:32:12.880 --> 0:32:14.440 then woulds and that's how you looked at it. I'm 0:32:14.480 --> 0:32:16.240 just like adapting, Yeah, adapting. Yeah. 0:32:16.320 --> 0:32:19.040 I remember my friend said to me once, like when 0:32:19.080 --> 0:32:21.480 I told her that it was like being amputated, she 0:32:21.600 --> 0:32:24.000 said to me once, this would just be your new normal, 0:32:24.640 --> 0:32:26.720 and I was like, oh my god. True. So I 0:32:26.800 --> 0:32:29.600 think just taking that on board and using that into 0:32:29.760 --> 0:32:31.960 creating my own new normal of what that would look like. 0:32:32.680 --> 0:32:34.560 And I think it's like a human vestor you're constantly 0:32:34.600 --> 0:32:38.240 making sense of the world. Every interaction, like everywhere you go, 0:32:38.520 --> 0:32:41.080 you're gumuly taking an information that you're going to use 0:32:41.400 --> 0:32:44.600 tomorrow and the day after. And I think it's all 0:32:44.640 --> 0:32:45.040 part of that. 0:32:45.280 --> 0:32:48.880 Really, there's all part of that process, isn't it. Do 0:32:49.000 --> 0:32:53.400 you feel in these these phantom pains? And so you 0:32:53.480 --> 0:32:55.160 didn't feel that you didn't go through any of that 0:32:55.280 --> 0:32:56.920 and wait a little bit, Yeah. 0:32:57.480 --> 0:32:59.280 Where I just had the feeling of like wanting to 0:32:59.360 --> 0:33:01.600 stretch my toe is out that my toes went. 0:33:03.440 --> 0:33:05.600 So that does exist. It's just true. 0:33:05.760 --> 0:33:08.920 It does. Yeah, but I don't I get it very 0:33:09.040 --> 0:33:10.800 I can bring it on like I can sit here 0:33:10.880 --> 0:33:13.239 and I have to actually really think about it now, 0:33:13.400 --> 0:33:15.280 but I can like move my big toe that's not there. 0:33:16.840 --> 0:33:19.959 Because essentially what it is is your brain is unable 0:33:20.000 --> 0:33:22.080 to recognize that that part of the body's gone because 0:33:22.080 --> 0:33:25.760 it's not a typical thing. So because your brain hasn't 0:33:25.760 --> 0:33:27.320 had a response from it for a while, it will 0:33:27.360 --> 0:33:30.320 send pain signals to be like hey you up. Essentially, 0:33:31.800 --> 0:33:34.440 So when I first started in the phantom pain, I 0:33:34.680 --> 0:33:36.440 just distracted myself because I was like, it's just my 0:33:36.560 --> 0:33:40.640 brain thinking about it, and you know, so it's just 0:33:40.720 --> 0:33:44.520 distracted myself when it'll stopped. And I also think it 0:33:44.640 --> 0:33:47.720 comes from like a positive mindset as well. I know 0:33:47.880 --> 0:33:54.120 other people who have lost limbs, and you know, obviously 0:33:55.200 --> 0:33:58.040 people experience things differently, and you know, different types of 0:33:58.120 --> 0:34:02.000 trauma when you lose a limb, and I see I 0:34:02.080 --> 0:34:04.600 have seen a lot of people like with phantom pain 0:34:06.400 --> 0:34:08.600 that you know that sometimes I forget the hospital and 0:34:08.880 --> 0:34:11.799 your hospital asked for it. But yeah, I've never had 0:34:11.840 --> 0:34:12.800 any of those experiences. 0:34:12.920 --> 0:34:15.279 So I don't know, but I love that because you 0:34:15.480 --> 0:34:18.480 you have you know, you've got such a positive way 0:34:18.520 --> 0:34:21.160 of breaking things down, process and things. 0:34:21.600 --> 0:34:24.000 Yeah, even I remember in OT saying that I would 0:34:24.040 --> 0:34:28.440 never have a dream again. I would never not have 0:34:28.560 --> 0:34:32.319 a dream with nothing but two legs because your brain 0:34:33.360 --> 0:34:36.279 wouldn't be able to comprehend that I now have one leg. Ye, 0:34:36.560 --> 0:34:39.120 so I would never have a dream from the amputation. 0:34:39.160 --> 0:34:41.759 I've never actually had a dream of two legs. So 0:34:41.880 --> 0:34:44.880 I'm like, I really think it's just really accepting and 0:34:45.600 --> 0:34:46.279 tapping into that. 0:34:47.080 --> 0:34:50.920 Yeah, it's powerful, really really really powerful. So you go 0:34:51.000 --> 0:34:53.960 along your your loving life again. Is that right? You're 0:34:54.280 --> 0:34:56.400 after the amputation? You're back in the gym? Are you 0:34:56.480 --> 0:34:58.719 back at work? Are you back in the back to 0:34:59.120 --> 0:35:00.799 go straight back with the Yeah? 0:35:00.960 --> 0:35:03.160 So I think I finished came around November, there was 0:35:03.200 --> 0:35:06.359 literally like four weeks left of term. But as soon 0:35:06.440 --> 0:35:09.680 as term one started I was straight back full time. 0:35:11.719 --> 0:35:15.480 And yeah, straight back into normal life, straight. 0:35:15.280 --> 0:35:19.880 Back into normal life. And then when did the modeling 0:35:19.960 --> 0:35:23.239 career come around? I know that your friend had had 0:35:24.200 --> 0:35:25.440 a clothing company, was that right? 0:35:25.520 --> 0:35:28.640 Yeah? Yeah, well her family owned the clothing shop where 0:35:28.640 --> 0:35:31.640 I lived and I reckon that was a year after. 0:35:32.160 --> 0:35:35.200 So during that year you're back into a routine your 0:35:35.280 --> 0:35:39.000 loving life. Are you still sort of stuck in the 0:35:39.640 --> 0:35:42.400 you know where you don't know where the next journey 0:35:42.520 --> 0:35:43.920 is or you don't know where the next you know, 0:35:44.040 --> 0:35:47.120 the purposes or the next goal? Were you well in? 0:35:47.320 --> 0:35:49.800 That is when I sort of, I think realized and 0:35:49.880 --> 0:35:53.399 then that sort of all came at once. I think 0:35:53.600 --> 0:35:58.680 then going from able to then being disabled, to seeing 0:35:58.719 --> 0:36:02.400 how people interacted with me and you know, spoke to 0:36:02.480 --> 0:36:04.960 me differently. I think every day for like a good 0:36:05.000 --> 0:36:07.400 six months, I would hear someone say that's I'm so 0:36:07.560 --> 0:36:10.000 sad for you and that's so sorry, which to me 0:36:10.239 --> 0:36:11.000 was nothing. 0:36:10.840 --> 0:36:13.160 But the word yeah, the worst thing. 0:36:13.440 --> 0:36:15.640 I can imagine that even looking at me as like 0:36:15.680 --> 0:36:17.800 a sad sack or like, oh you feel sorry for me? 0:36:18.239 --> 0:36:22.160 Nothing to feel sorry for. I think in that opened up, 0:36:23.160 --> 0:36:26.600 did that piss you off? Oh yeah at the start, yeah, 0:36:27.280 --> 0:36:30.080 because it's like you have no way out and you 0:36:30.120 --> 0:36:31.239 can't even say anything. 0:36:31.000 --> 0:36:33.520 Because what can you say, and that you know that 0:36:33.760 --> 0:36:37.360 it's China they mean good but oh yeah yeah yeah. 0:36:37.360 --> 0:36:41.480 And it comes from yeah, it comes from like yeah, yeah, 0:36:41.560 --> 0:36:45.320 yeah yeah, but it also comes from the perception and 0:36:45.440 --> 0:36:48.759 narrative around disability that we have, and I think that 0:36:48.880 --> 0:36:51.120 really just comes from media and the perception that we have. 0:36:52.440 --> 0:36:54.440 I love that because then I was able to like 0:36:54.560 --> 0:36:57.279 look back at or I had to really debunk it 0:36:57.360 --> 0:36:59.879 myself and redefine it myself, because I even had trouble saying, 0:37:00.080 --> 0:37:04.279 oh ya, I'm disabled or like being referenced in that way, 0:37:04.400 --> 0:37:09.360 because for me, in that moment, disabled meant something different 0:37:09.760 --> 0:37:13.239 that I was unable or I couldn't do this, or 0:37:13.280 --> 0:37:19.120 I couldn't do that, and that was not the correct perception. 0:37:19.120 --> 0:37:21.160 That what it is. You just hit the man on 0:37:21.200 --> 0:37:25.960 the side that disabled almost is unable. Yeah, yeah, And 0:37:26.040 --> 0:37:28.200 it seemed like it is portrayed like that. The media 0:37:28.239 --> 0:37:28.920 portrayed like that. 0:37:31.480 --> 0:37:33.640 Someone can sit by a car, what happens at the end, 0:37:33.800 --> 0:37:37.240 someone's all of a sudden now using wheelchair. That can happen, 0:37:37.760 --> 0:37:40.279 but that's portrayed, and what you infer from that is 0:37:40.360 --> 0:37:41.640 that it's the worst thing that could happen to you. 0:37:42.239 --> 0:37:44.080 And then you take that on and that starts to 0:37:44.120 --> 0:37:47.200 form a perception of a disability or someone using a wheelchair. 0:37:47.840 --> 0:37:50.759 And I definitely had that even when I worked and 0:37:50.840 --> 0:37:53.720 then looking back at my work at the special school, 0:37:54.360 --> 0:37:57.040 I was like, same thing. Then sort of realized that 0:37:58.160 --> 0:38:01.040 I had my own internalizedablest thoughts that I had to 0:38:01.120 --> 0:38:04.200 work through. And for me, yeah, just come down to 0:38:05.560 --> 0:38:09.400 the either lack of representation or the misrepresentation in media. 0:38:09.920 --> 0:38:14.520 So you're learning about this firsthand, right, you would It 0:38:14.520 --> 0:38:17.480 wouldn't have even entered your head before. Right, And now 0:38:17.560 --> 0:38:19.600 you're you're starting to see what people are look at me, 0:38:19.600 --> 0:38:21.760 Different people are talking to me, different people are treating 0:38:21.800 --> 0:38:24.480 me differently. And then is it is it a case 0:38:24.520 --> 0:38:26.799 of right? No, no, no, no, this is this? Isn't 0:38:26.840 --> 0:38:29.040 it now that it was? It a new sense of 0:38:29.120 --> 0:38:29.680 purpose for you? 0:38:30.000 --> 0:38:32.319 Yes, because I went on the journey myself time. 0:38:32.480 --> 0:38:33.640 Yes, and I realized that. 0:38:34.120 --> 0:38:35.840 And then as I would interact with more people and 0:38:35.840 --> 0:38:39.120 I would hear those things, I would just question them 0:38:39.360 --> 0:38:43.560 like why because they would also not have the answer 0:38:43.600 --> 0:38:46.040 for that would tell me they felt so sad for 0:38:46.120 --> 0:38:48.960 me or sorry for me. I'm like, okay, why oh, 0:38:49.000 --> 0:38:51.040 because you lost your Like okay, but like why does 0:38:51.080 --> 0:38:51.680 that make you sad? 0:38:52.120 --> 0:38:55.040 I'm like, I'm actually like still doing everything, I'm pain free, and. 0:38:56.840 --> 0:39:04.960 Like that does not define or purpose. So yeah, I 0:39:05.080 --> 0:39:09.080 think because my friend owned a clothing shop, has just 0:39:09.120 --> 0:39:10.720 got a camera and they were just like mucking around 0:39:11.080 --> 0:39:15.080 for social media. Yeah, I just did that for fun 0:39:15.480 --> 0:39:17.680 with a friend. And then from then is when I 0:39:17.760 --> 0:39:20.279 started modeling and people were just like reaching out to 0:39:20.320 --> 0:39:20.840 me online. 0:39:21.600 --> 0:39:23.719 And then I think, but why you were doing that? 0:39:23.920 --> 0:39:28.800 Were you were you? Were you still passionate and portraying 0:39:28.880 --> 0:39:33.560 this message of yes, yes, so simultaneously that you merge 0:39:33.600 --> 0:39:34.160 the two together. 0:39:34.480 --> 0:39:36.759 And then in that is when I realized, oh, this 0:39:36.920 --> 0:39:40.600 is probably how I could shift the narrative. Love that 0:39:40.719 --> 0:39:42.960 and you know, probably be in a position to at 0:39:43.080 --> 0:39:46.399 least unknown him, use my voice or at least create 0:39:46.520 --> 0:39:49.680 more representation for people with the disability. 0:39:50.000 --> 0:39:52.440 Is the power the power of social media, because that's 0:39:52.480 --> 0:39:55.240 when the power of social media really comes alive because 0:39:55.239 --> 0:39:57.040 people can relate to it. And that's where I thinks 0:39:57.080 --> 0:39:59.120 a viable and you start to make a name for 0:39:59.160 --> 0:40:02.200 yourself and you you start to think, wow, you know 0:40:02.320 --> 0:40:05.319 people are listening. I can change people's perspective, I can 0:40:05.440 --> 0:40:08.319 change people's minds, I can change people's lives one percent. 0:40:08.440 --> 0:40:13.560 And I think in that I really learned that how 0:40:13.680 --> 0:40:17.000 to sort of do that rather than telling people, because 0:40:17.040 --> 0:40:20.239 when you tell people, they're not going to listen. They 0:40:20.280 --> 0:40:23.120 need to come up with it themselves. So even you know, 0:40:23.200 --> 0:40:27.960 when I yeah, even when I first started advocating, you know, 0:40:28.560 --> 0:40:31.680 I guess I was just sharing my dating messages where 0:40:31.760 --> 0:40:34.439 people would message me straight up be like what happened 0:40:34.480 --> 0:40:36.279 to your leg? Or like question this in question that, 0:40:36.719 --> 0:40:38.440 And all I would do is just screenshot it and 0:40:38.520 --> 0:40:40.640 share it because then people would start to form their 0:40:40.680 --> 0:40:43.759 own perception and sort of realize what was happening in 0:40:43.840 --> 0:40:46.680 that themselves that I actually didn't ex spell it out 0:40:46.719 --> 0:40:49.719 for them. So I think that became a powerful tool 0:40:50.280 --> 0:40:53.600 in inviting people into the conversation, also with a bit 0:40:53.680 --> 0:40:58.840 of humor, like I don't really care, it's funny, you know. 0:40:59.160 --> 0:41:02.239 So I think that also realized how to tap into 0:41:02.280 --> 0:41:04.560 people and how to advocate in a way where people 0:41:04.680 --> 0:41:07.160 come up with the answers themselves rather than telling. 0:41:07.040 --> 0:41:09.319 People, because that's what they need to do. You need 0:41:09.400 --> 0:41:13.040 to make them think ultimately, exactly, exactly, Wow, So you're 0:41:13.080 --> 0:41:19.040 doing this, when do you realize, shit, you know, people 0:41:19.080 --> 0:41:20.319 that you know this is this is real? 0:41:20.680 --> 0:41:22.759 Yeah, I think I took a year. I think it 0:41:22.880 --> 0:41:25.080 was like that whole year of just like building a 0:41:25.160 --> 0:41:28.719 career that I didn't like. To be honest, respectfully, I 0:41:28.760 --> 0:41:29.840 didn't even try. 0:41:30.880 --> 0:41:32.640 Just like doing your thing. 0:41:32.760 --> 0:41:35.200 Let's see what happens there. Yeah, and then I think 0:41:35.320 --> 0:41:36.960 after a year it was probably at the end of 0:41:37.040 --> 0:41:39.760 that year that I remember I spoke to my principal. 0:41:40.600 --> 0:41:42.919 I was like, oh, I don't know if I will 0:41:42.920 --> 0:41:45.840 come back next year, like I had an ongoing contract. 0:41:46.640 --> 0:41:48.680 But then I said to him, maybe I'll just like 0:41:48.719 --> 0:41:50.359 come back for the first two terms and then I'm 0:41:50.440 --> 0:41:52.800 out after that, just give him a heads up. And 0:41:53.080 --> 0:41:55.160 I remember him saying, the job that you do here, 0:41:56.280 --> 0:41:58.960 you might be able to find more purpose in doing 0:41:59.040 --> 0:42:02.920 that in different ways. And that's when it really clicked 0:42:02.920 --> 0:42:05.400 for me. And I was like, right, I do need 0:42:05.440 --> 0:42:08.000 to get out of here. So yeah, I finished up 0:42:08.000 --> 0:42:09.879 at then determined. Then I moved to Melbourne. And then 0:42:10.080 --> 0:42:12.520 in that is when I sort of like realized what 0:42:12.600 --> 0:42:15.040 you were saying before everything I do and say and 0:42:16.440 --> 0:42:17.360 sort of did change. 0:42:18.200 --> 0:42:22.520 And was there a moment, Was there a moment you thought, Wow, 0:42:22.760 --> 0:42:25.040 you know I'm in this now my life, you know 0:42:25.160 --> 0:42:27.239 this is the direction that I'm going in. Yeah, I 0:42:27.320 --> 0:42:30.480 think all the responsibility altip that that I have. 0:42:30.960 --> 0:42:33.279 Yeah, for sure. I think it was probably at the 0:42:33.360 --> 0:42:35.080 end of that year when I when I did that. 0:42:35.840 --> 0:42:37.279 At the end of that year, I booked a Calvin 0:42:37.320 --> 0:42:41.000 Klein International campaign, and I remember saying to my manager 0:42:41.120 --> 0:42:42.960 for like three months, I'm like, I'm not doing bonds. 0:42:44.320 --> 0:42:47.239 I do like, for no reason except for if I 0:42:47.320 --> 0:42:49.000 was to do underway, I just want to do Calvin Client, 0:42:49.719 --> 0:42:53.000 which even now I'm like, that's crazy that I actually 0:42:53.080 --> 0:42:55.040 did do that, But I was like, I'll never get that, 0:42:55.200 --> 0:42:57.399 but it doesn't matter. I'm sticking to it. And then 0:42:57.680 --> 0:43:00.279 I booked it like a month after they to me 0:43:00.360 --> 0:43:01.840 it was like who do who do we talk to? 0:43:02.000 --> 0:43:06.600 And yeah, So I think that then was probably like 0:43:07.040 --> 0:43:12.200 the moment, Yeah, that sort of ticked over for me. 0:43:12.560 --> 0:43:17.040 Yeah, and that just went on from one to another 0:43:17.239 --> 0:43:19.759 to another to another. Then when did you get the 0:43:20.920 --> 0:43:23.920 the call for the GQ. You know, that's quite a 0:43:25.239 --> 0:43:28.279 you know, quite a remarkable moment when you're recognized, you know, 0:43:28.400 --> 0:43:31.120 GQ Man of the Year. You know, it's known, not 0:43:31.239 --> 0:43:35.440 only known globally. I've been to I've been to one 0:43:35.560 --> 0:43:39.480 myself in the UK and it's you know, you get 0:43:39.560 --> 0:43:45.799 some really inspirational and motivational, and you know people there 0:43:46.400 --> 0:43:49.520 that you can't help but just listen to. And what 0:43:49.600 --> 0:43:53.160 does it feel like to go there knowing that you're 0:43:53.200 --> 0:43:54.360 one of those people. 0:43:55.480 --> 0:43:56.120 Like out of body? 0:43:56.440 --> 0:43:56.600 Yeah? 0:43:56.680 --> 0:44:01.080 Yeah, I guess I sort of knew from if the 0:44:01.160 --> 0:44:03.520 award show was in December, I probably knew from September. 0:44:04.760 --> 0:44:08.440 So from September is when the Convert leg they came 0:44:08.560 --> 0:44:11.440 to me and we're just asking my availabilities for the 0:44:11.480 --> 0:44:13.680 award show and then like looking at a photo shoot 0:44:13.680 --> 0:44:15.600 and stuff like that. I was saying to my manager, 0:44:15.600 --> 0:44:17.920 I'm like, does that, Like, why what's it? Am I 0:44:18.000 --> 0:44:18.600 model of the ear? 0:44:18.800 --> 0:44:19.000 Yeah? 0:44:19.200 --> 0:44:20.880 She was like, well, they haven't confirmed it. I'm like, 0:44:21.080 --> 0:44:22.840 I don't think they need to, Like I think this 0:44:23.040 --> 0:44:25.840 is it. And then when when I booked the photo shoot, 0:44:25.960 --> 0:44:27.279 I was on the phone to her. I'm like, so 0:44:27.680 --> 0:44:30.080 you're gonna ask them now am I it or not? 0:44:30.480 --> 0:44:34.000 Like what's the photo shoot for? But yeah, and then 0:44:34.080 --> 0:44:36.880 that was confirmed, so I sort of knew. And then 0:44:36.920 --> 0:44:40.480 I did the photo shoot and then yeah, another two 0:44:40.680 --> 0:44:42.680 that was in October, so I knew for good two months. 0:44:43.080 --> 0:44:44.239 In that two months, I felt weird. 0:44:44.360 --> 0:44:47.200 So you embraced it so everything that came you embraced. 0:44:47.239 --> 0:44:49.600 And what was it like standing, you know, being awarded, 0:44:50.080 --> 0:44:51.440 you know, even though you knew it, I know you 0:44:51.520 --> 0:44:53.960 knew it, and but you know, the whole world now 0:44:54.080 --> 0:44:55.000 knows it. Yeah. 0:44:55.400 --> 0:44:59.239 Yeah, it such a weird experience. Actually, I was, you know, 0:44:59.280 --> 0:45:00.960 obviously two month to prepare for it, and then we. 0:45:01.000 --> 0:45:04.040 Got to the day and I was like, oh, crap, 0:45:04.640 --> 0:45:06.080 where you cheer one a day or not? 0:45:06.320 --> 0:45:06.600 But like. 0:45:08.320 --> 0:45:10.040 The one time that you wasn't killed. 0:45:10.360 --> 0:45:13.880 That everyone was worried chill until they told me I was, 0:45:14.000 --> 0:45:17.480 I think the first award winner that I was like, 0:45:17.560 --> 0:45:19.080 oh my god, I'm going to have to be first 0:45:19.160 --> 0:45:23.239 up there, Like what if I'm like I want to 0:45:23.239 --> 0:45:24.759 see what other people are saying, Like what if I'm 0:45:24.840 --> 0:45:26.239 up there too long? Like what if I need to 0:45:26.239 --> 0:45:30.160 pull some stuff out? But being the first was like 0:45:30.280 --> 0:45:31.800 actually probably the best because then I just had a 0:45:31.800 --> 0:45:35.279 good night for the rest. But I remember getting up 0:45:35.320 --> 0:45:37.920 there and just like Willow Smith was looking into my 0:45:38.040 --> 0:45:39.920 soul and cheering my name, and I was just like 0:45:40.040 --> 0:45:41.080 I cannot talk now. 0:45:41.520 --> 0:45:43.720 Yeah now I'm not chill. 0:45:43.960 --> 0:45:47.920 Yeah, yeah, that was the scariest. But no, I think 0:45:48.000 --> 0:45:50.360 it's you know, even though it was a water to me. 0:45:50.480 --> 0:45:53.560 I think it's mainly awarded for people with the disability, 0:45:53.800 --> 0:45:56.120 and I think it's also having people with the disability 0:45:56.120 --> 0:45:59.000 in mainstream spaces and spaces that they may not have 0:45:59.120 --> 0:46:04.960 been before, and you know, valuing people with the disability 0:46:05.120 --> 0:46:07.239 as people without a disability. 0:46:08.200 --> 0:46:10.120 And would you say that your disability is the best 0:46:10.160 --> 0:46:11.239 thing that's ever happened to you. 0:46:11.600 --> 0:46:17.040 Made I like better parking, So yeah, absolutely. 0:46:17.120 --> 0:46:20.480 Yes, what's next for you, James? 0:46:21.280 --> 0:46:26.200 Yeah, I'm sort of we established that before. I sort 0:46:26.200 --> 0:46:29.080 of live in the present. Yeah, I feel like up 0:46:29.160 --> 0:46:31.800 until now, I've done everything that I wanted to achieve 0:46:31.960 --> 0:46:35.279 or do. Last year, you know, I just planted a 0:46:35.320 --> 0:46:36.520 seed in my head. I'm like, I want to do 0:46:36.520 --> 0:46:38.840 a Ted talk, and then like two weeks later someone's 0:46:38.880 --> 0:46:42.840 asking me, so yeah, I don't know. I feel like 0:46:42.880 --> 0:46:44.760 I sort of just like go through and float around 0:46:45.400 --> 0:46:47.440 and I have little ideas in my head of what 0:46:47.560 --> 0:46:50.000 I do want to do. But I think it's just 0:46:50.120 --> 0:46:55.959 keeping them in my head until the right time, the opportunity. Yeah, 0:46:56.080 --> 0:46:58.239 because I feel like I'll plant the seed in my 0:46:58.320 --> 0:47:00.960 head and it turns into something different. Sure, you know, 0:47:01.120 --> 0:47:05.040 but I think there's more of a need for people 0:47:05.080 --> 0:47:08.960 with disability and acting. I remember when I did my 0:47:09.040 --> 0:47:12.960 first runway, and I had done a runway earlier in 0:47:13.000 --> 0:47:14.160 the week and then I had to go back later 0:47:14.200 --> 0:47:15.799 in the week for a fitting. And so where they 0:47:15.880 --> 0:47:18.120 had the runway was at fed Square in Melbourne, and 0:47:18.200 --> 0:47:20.839 there was a big billboard out the front that had 0:47:20.960 --> 0:47:23.520 like just like highlights of the runway. I remember seeing 0:47:23.520 --> 0:47:25.160 myself up there while I was waiting for the fitting. 0:47:25.680 --> 0:47:28.319 And coincidentally, I don't know how things like this happen 0:47:28.360 --> 0:47:31.680 all the time, but coincidentally, there was like I reckon 0:47:31.719 --> 0:47:34.040 It was about five or six years old with his 0:47:34.200 --> 0:47:36.680 dad and he had a prosthetic and he was walking 0:47:36.800 --> 0:47:39.680 past the screen. I don't know why, but they just 0:47:39.760 --> 0:47:41.880 like stopped and watched the screen and I was like, oh, 0:47:41.920 --> 0:47:44.640 I wonder if you'll see me, And so yeah, I 0:47:44.680 --> 0:47:47.560 watched and when I popped up on the screen and 0:47:47.600 --> 0:47:49.600 the way, he like grabbed his dad and like pointed 0:47:49.880 --> 0:47:55.400 and just like that what that's exactly what? Yeah? Because 0:47:55.400 --> 0:47:58.360 I was like, how beautiful is that that? That's probably 0:47:58.360 --> 0:48:00.320 the first time he's ever seen someone like him? But 0:48:00.360 --> 0:48:01.200 also how sad is that? 0:48:01.719 --> 0:48:01.919 Yeah? 0:48:02.320 --> 0:48:05.000 Why has that taking this long, whether it's five or six, 0:48:05.080 --> 0:48:07.560 five or six years without seeing someone that looks like you. 0:48:09.160 --> 0:48:11.319 They was exactly where it was supposed to be at 0:48:11.360 --> 0:48:18.319 that time and apparently. Wow, yeah, amazing. James, You've been 0:48:18.360 --> 0:48:22.560 absolutely phenomenal. What a story. Listen, thanks ever so much 0:48:22.600 --> 0:48:25.560 for coming in, Thanks for your time. You and I 0:48:25.760 --> 0:48:28.759 know that a lot of people will gain a lot 0:48:28.800 --> 0:48:33.200 of inspiration and motivation and knowledge from this podcast, So 0:48:33.320 --> 0:48:37.080 thank you, mate, Thank you. You can follow James on 0:48:37.280 --> 0:48:41.160 Instagram and TikTok. I'll put the details in the show notes. 0:48:42.080 --> 0:48:44.680 Thanks for joining me on this episode of head Game. 0:48:45.000 --> 0:48:48.400 If you enjoyed this episode, please leave me a review. 0:48:49.440 --> 0:48:52.399 I'm at Middleton. See you again next time.