WEBVTT - Kellie Finlayson on Thriving With Terminal Cancer 0:00:00.320 --> 0:00:03.400 We'd like to acknowledge that traditional custodians of the land 0:00:03.520 --> 0:00:06.840 on which this podcast was produced, the Galligall people of 0:00:06.920 --> 0:00:10.440 the Orination. We pay our respects to elder's past and present. 0:00:11.440 --> 0:00:15.400 It's November twenty twenty one and we're in Adelaid's Flinders 0:00:15.400 --> 0:00:21.000 Hospital with Kelly Finlayson. Kelly gave birth to baby Sophia 0:00:21.160 --> 0:00:24.840 just three months ago, her first child with AFL star 0:00:25.280 --> 0:00:30.520 Jeremy Finlayson. But today she isn't here for a postpartum checkup. 0:00:31.440 --> 0:00:35.199 She's here for a kolonoscopy, the one she's been waiting 0:00:35.280 --> 0:00:38.840 months for, which was canceled in the height of the pandemic. 0:00:41.320 --> 0:00:45.159 Almost immediately the kolonoscopy takes a turn for the worst. 0:00:46.440 --> 0:00:51.159 The gastro enterologist turns to Kelly and says, this is 0:00:51.200 --> 0:00:56.120 what cancer looks like for the twenty five year old mum. 0:00:56.360 --> 0:01:01.320 Her world changes in an instant. In the days, she'd 0:01:01.360 --> 0:01:09.560 be told she has stage four bow cancer. I'm at 0:01:09.560 --> 0:01:14.920 Middleton and this is head Game today, resilience in the 0:01:14.959 --> 0:01:23.520 face of an unthinkable diagnosis. Kelly Finlayson, thank you so 0:01:23.640 --> 0:01:26.959 much for joining me on my podcast head Game. Now 0:01:27.040 --> 0:01:30.320 cop talk about head Game and you're someone that needs 0:01:30.360 --> 0:01:32.120 to have your head in the game. You need to 0:01:32.160 --> 0:01:35.080 be headstrong with what's going on in your life at 0:01:35.120 --> 0:01:38.720 the moment. Wow, we'll get into that very very shortly. 0:01:38.840 --> 0:01:39.800 But how are you. 0:01:40.560 --> 0:01:42.480 Yeah, I'm actually doing okay today. 0:01:43.680 --> 0:01:49.000 Okay? Is okay? Kelly? Take me back to your childhood. 0:01:49.400 --> 0:01:54.520 So I lived a pretty mundane, easy, ordinary childhood. I 0:01:54.560 --> 0:01:59.000 have a younger brother, mum and dad, same house, still 0:01:59.040 --> 0:02:00.440 live in the same house that I was born in. 0:02:00.680 --> 0:02:04.680 They do, I don't, but so yeah, like a pretty 0:02:04.880 --> 0:02:09.000 easy country town, Port Lincoln, so right on the beach 0:02:10.280 --> 0:02:13.320 here an essay, and played every sport you can think of. 0:02:13.440 --> 0:02:16.519 So I was just a busy little girl with lots 0:02:16.560 --> 0:02:19.919 of energy and not much has changed. Really, just a confident, 0:02:19.960 --> 0:02:21.959 little independent person. 0:02:22.400 --> 0:02:24.400 Sounds like you just see it, like myself. A normal 0:02:24.520 --> 0:02:28.360 upbring in, happy, go lucky. What was your first ever job? 0:02:29.680 --> 0:02:32.040 Yeah, my mum was a manager of a hotel, So 0:02:32.160 --> 0:02:32.919 a housekeeper. 0:02:33.560 --> 0:02:38.280 Oh really? Yeah, so you went around changing the sheets 0:02:38.400 --> 0:02:41.200 and clean bathrooms and stuff like that. 0:02:41.520 --> 0:02:43.920 Yeah, very underage, but that's how we would get like 0:02:44.280 --> 0:02:47.280 that's my pocket money, I guess, would be whatever four 0:02:47.320 --> 0:02:49.919 hours on a Sunday morning or whatever, and that would 0:02:49.960 --> 0:02:51.440 be me housekeeping. Yep. 0:02:52.560 --> 0:02:55.360 How old are you if you don't mind me asking, Kelly. 0:02:55.520 --> 0:02:58.400 Yeah, I'm twenty eight. I'm twenty nine in December. 0:02:58.080 --> 0:03:01.120 Twenty nine, December. And what age were you when you 0:03:01.120 --> 0:03:01.800 met Jeremy? 0:03:02.520 --> 0:03:04.640 I was twenty one at a Justin Bieber concert. 0:03:05.240 --> 0:03:08.400 Take me back to that, Justinean, How did you set 0:03:08.480 --> 0:03:11.480 eyes on him? And how was it love at first 0:03:11.520 --> 0:03:14.200 sight or was it just a case of exchange phone 0:03:14.280 --> 0:03:15.679 numbers and we're going on a date? 0:03:16.360 --> 0:03:21.560 Exchanged snapchats because we were young twenty one year olds. 0:03:21.600 --> 0:03:23.560 But I didn't actually meet him at the concert. I 0:03:23.600 --> 0:03:25.520 was just insandnely for the concert and we met at 0:03:25.520 --> 0:03:28.600 a pub later. But he is a big Justin Bieber fan, 0:03:28.760 --> 0:03:30.000 so I like to drop that in. 0:03:31.520 --> 0:03:35.680 Yes, Jeremy, listen, he's is it a believer? A belief? 0:03:35.800 --> 0:03:36.320 Yeah, that's it. 0:03:38.080 --> 0:03:42.440 So that moment changes your life, really, doesn't it. You 0:03:42.440 --> 0:03:46.800 You meet Jeremy and did the relationship develop quite fast? 0:03:47.560 --> 0:03:51.800 Yeah? Very quick? Moving our relationship so again, yeah, rekindled 0:03:51.800 --> 0:03:55.040 in twenty nineteen when I moved back to Australia and 0:03:55.080 --> 0:03:57.880 then by June twenty twenty we were living together. So 0:03:58.360 --> 0:03:59.840 six months later really. 0:04:00.440 --> 0:04:03.920 No, messing around their kedesis later, are you moving because 0:04:04.120 --> 0:04:06.040 that's serious, right, moving in together? 0:04:06.280 --> 0:04:08.880 Yeah, Well, it was the time of COVID, so it 0:04:08.920 --> 0:04:12.080 was either moving together or in no, one'm going to 0:04:12.120 --> 0:04:12.880 see each other again. 0:04:13.400 --> 0:04:15.560 Did it feel nice? Did it feel good during COVID 0:04:15.600 --> 0:04:16.440 that you had each other? 0:04:17.480 --> 0:04:21.200 Yeah? Definitely. I think that obviously fast tracked a lot 0:04:21.200 --> 0:04:24.640 of people's relationships, but it definitely made it, I guess 0:04:24.680 --> 0:04:26.719 known that we were the people for each other. 0:04:27.040 --> 0:04:31.440 And when did you start realizing that you had a 0:04:31.440 --> 0:04:33.960 few issues or you had a few symptoms or maybe 0:04:33.960 --> 0:04:34.920 need to go to hospital. 0:04:35.839 --> 0:04:39.200 Yeah. So the first time that I actually sought help 0:04:39.640 --> 0:04:43.920 was at the start of twenty twenty two days actually 0:04:43.960 --> 0:04:48.440 before lockdown happened in Victorious, So I had a colonostu 0:04:48.440 --> 0:04:52.000 to be booked for the twenty second of March, and 0:04:52.040 --> 0:04:56.080 then obviously locked down and elective procedures got canceled, so 0:04:56.120 --> 0:04:59.480 I never actually got the procedure, but I did seek 0:04:59.560 --> 0:05:03.760 help that month. But looking back now, I've had issues 0:05:03.800 --> 0:05:08.040 for up to probably five years prior to diagnosis. 0:05:07.480 --> 0:05:09.360 And what are or what were these issues? 0:05:10.160 --> 0:05:16.839 So in frequency, in bow movements, weight fluctuation, A lot 0:05:16.880 --> 0:05:19.480 of the issues I guess that I was having were 0:05:19.520 --> 0:05:22.680 really common with just being a female, So like abdominal 0:05:22.760 --> 0:05:26.720 bloating usually once a month, which obviously comes with the 0:05:26.800 --> 0:05:32.800 mental cycle as well, the pain there as well, the 0:05:32.880 --> 0:05:38.200 changing weight, the changeing tiredness. Like, all of the symptoms 0:05:38.200 --> 0:05:40.800 that I were having, I guess weren't uncommon, but the 0:05:40.839 --> 0:05:44.159 way that I was having them were probably more often 0:05:44.360 --> 0:05:45.680 than others were. 0:05:46.240 --> 0:05:49.440 And what was the moment Why did you decide why 0:05:49.520 --> 0:05:52.160 I need to go and check this out? Because if 0:05:52.200 --> 0:05:53.880 you say it's been going on for five years, you're 0:05:53.880 --> 0:05:57.000 obviously just thinking that these are normal problems, just that 0:05:57.040 --> 0:05:59.760 they go away. You know, it's just just the monthly 0:05:59.800 --> 0:06:03.920 thing that happens. But what made what was that mindset 0:06:03.960 --> 0:06:05.800 switch where you thought, actually, no, I need to go 0:06:05.839 --> 0:06:07.039 and get this checked out. 0:06:07.760 --> 0:06:10.680 Yeah. So I ended up having blood in my store, 0:06:10.839 --> 0:06:13.520 well on the toilet paper, so obviously I couldn't tell 0:06:13.600 --> 0:06:16.320 whether that was in my store or not. But that's 0:06:16.360 --> 0:06:19.920 what made me go seek more help. I was seeing 0:06:19.920 --> 0:06:22.280 an actual path. I thought maybe I was intolerant or something, 0:06:22.440 --> 0:06:27.200 maybe I had yeah ibs or something like that. I 0:06:27.240 --> 0:06:30.760 don't know, something obviously not right, But it was kind 0:06:30.760 --> 0:06:33.279 of cool to be lactose intolerant at that time or 0:06:33.440 --> 0:06:36.360 have a gluten intolerant, so they didn't really take me 0:06:36.480 --> 0:06:40.640 very seriously. And then yeah, obviously I had blood in 0:06:40.720 --> 0:06:43.240 a stall sample, so that's why I had the colonists 0:06:43.240 --> 0:06:46.159 could be booked, which was later canceled as an elective procedure. 0:06:46.520 --> 0:06:49.000 Wow. So do you think they didn't take you seriously 0:06:49.040 --> 0:06:53.520 because you were young? You know you? Yeah, agile and 0:06:54.160 --> 0:06:56.880 just a case of you know, you don't need you 0:06:56.920 --> 0:06:58.280 don't need to check out, you're good to go. 0:06:58.600 --> 0:07:01.920 Yeah. Well at that point I was twenty four, so 0:07:02.760 --> 0:07:05.760 I was quite young. I was writing marathons like I 0:07:05.920 --> 0:07:12.360 was the pinnacle of health. Nothing that would scream about cancer, 0:07:12.440 --> 0:07:13.120 do you know what I mean? 0:07:13.600 --> 0:07:20.360 Yeah? Yeah, And during lockdown, the relationship with Jeremy Blossoms 0:07:21.000 --> 0:07:22.560 and you fell pregnant. 0:07:22.880 --> 0:07:26.720 Yeah. COVID babies, there's lots of them. Yeah, so we 0:07:26.920 --> 0:07:29.720 actually felt pregnant at the six months after we were 0:07:29.720 --> 0:07:32.400 living together, so it was really quickly turned around. 0:07:32.520 --> 0:07:35.120 So you don't mess around, Kelly, No. 0:07:35.000 --> 0:07:38.280 We don't. When you know, you know exactly when you know, 0:07:38.360 --> 0:07:41.600 you know. And we just spent three months in Queensland 0:07:41.760 --> 0:07:45.720 with all of our teammates for Jeremy's teamates babies, and 0:07:46.040 --> 0:07:49.480 I guess he saw how maternal I was, so when 0:07:49.480 --> 0:07:51.240 we did fell pregnant, it was a no brainer and 0:07:51.240 --> 0:07:55.200 obviously that was something we're really excited about. We ended 0:07:55.280 --> 0:07:58.320 up having Sophia for giving birth to Sophia in the 0:07:58.360 --> 0:08:02.680 hubs the next year, so that was really interesting. Jeremy 0:08:02.720 --> 0:08:05.720 guests had to call time on his season otherwise he 0:08:05.760 --> 0:08:08.520 would risk being locked out of the state that we 0:08:08.520 --> 0:08:11.640 were already a foreign state. We're already in Queensland, whereas 0:08:11.640 --> 0:08:14.880 we were living in Sydney. So yeah, it was a 0:08:14.880 --> 0:08:18.320 big messy time of our life, but the best time 0:08:18.320 --> 0:08:19.559 of our life all the same time. 0:08:19.800 --> 0:08:22.720 Is there anything that you know that stood out? Is 0:08:22.720 --> 0:08:25.440 there anything that because you went through your whole pregnancy 0:08:25.480 --> 0:08:27.880 with all your checkups and all your tests and then 0:08:28.080 --> 0:08:32.679 you give birth, was there any major signs or major 0:08:32.720 --> 0:08:35.959 sort of symptoms where you know, the doctor, the nurse 0:08:36.040 --> 0:08:38.520 or whatever would go well, something's not right here, or 0:08:38.880 --> 0:08:41.040 was no signs? 0:08:41.640 --> 0:08:45.920 Yeah, there was nothing more than I'd already experienced. I 0:08:45.960 --> 0:08:48.840 did present to the hospital the emergency department a few 0:08:48.880 --> 0:08:52.080 times prior to my pregnancy with the pains and stuff, 0:08:52.120 --> 0:08:53.680 but every time I would just get told I had 0:08:53.760 --> 0:08:56.000 COVID and to go home and have and rest, which 0:08:56.640 --> 0:08:58.600 at the time, I guess everyone was scared of this 0:09:00.040 --> 0:09:04.480 viral disease, so I can't blame them. But during my pregnancy, 0:09:04.559 --> 0:09:06.320 I had a lot of pressure in my pelvis, which 0:09:06.320 --> 0:09:08.079 obviously makes sense now, but at the time we thought 0:09:08.120 --> 0:09:10.240 we just had a big baby. So it wasn't until 0:09:10.280 --> 0:09:13.000 she was born and she was tiny that we were like, 0:09:13.160 --> 0:09:16.320 where do all this pain come from? And also when 0:09:16.400 --> 0:09:21.040 giving birth, they my placenter was like it looked like 0:09:21.120 --> 0:09:23.560 a state had been like cut up basically, Like it 0:09:23.600 --> 0:09:26.760 wasn't a big bore, a big plate. It was like 0:09:26.800 --> 0:09:29.720 all cut up meat, basically my placenter. So once they 0:09:29.720 --> 0:09:33.360 saw that, they were like, there's something not right here. Yeah, 0:09:33.360 --> 0:09:36.120 But they were the only signs really that something else 0:09:36.240 --> 0:09:38.480 was wrong, and I wasn't just a pregnant woman. 0:09:39.480 --> 0:09:44.440 How hard was it to get an appointment or booking 0:09:45.679 --> 0:09:47.640 that you needed because you already had it counceled, you 0:09:47.679 --> 0:09:51.240 had it counseled before you gave birth, and now they 0:09:51.280 --> 0:09:56.040 see these signs. How long after to you actually revisit 0:09:56.080 --> 0:09:59.079 the hospital for your colonoscopy? 0:09:59.640 --> 0:10:02.000 So I was in complete denial and kind of just 0:10:02.480 --> 0:10:05.360 putting everything I was experiencing down to being postpartum. I 0:10:05.360 --> 0:10:08.680 guess I never had another berth to compare it to 0:10:08.679 --> 0:10:11.680 to know that this wasn't really normal, Like not going 0:10:11.679 --> 0:10:14.280 to the toilet for ten days at a time, and 0:10:14.320 --> 0:10:16.679 then when I'm going, I'm going fifteen times in an 0:10:16.679 --> 0:10:19.720 hour like that. I didn't realize that that's not normal. 0:10:19.800 --> 0:10:22.440 And I was terrified to go the toil after giving birth. 0:10:22.440 --> 0:10:25.800 Don't get me wrong, most women are, but I guess 0:10:25.800 --> 0:10:28.880 I just had an extreme case of that. And it 0:10:28.960 --> 0:10:32.880 wasn't until three months postpartum that Jeremy actually made a 0:10:32.960 --> 0:10:35.720 joke about me needing a porterloo because of the frequency 0:10:35.840 --> 0:10:38.439 that I needed to go every time we went for 0:10:38.480 --> 0:10:40.640 a drive, I'd make him fully to the service station 0:10:40.800 --> 0:10:43.319 or whatever it may be, and he, yeah, made a 0:10:43.360 --> 0:10:45.319 joke about needing a portaloo. And then that was kind 0:10:45.320 --> 0:10:48.280 of my last straw that I didn't think was very funny, 0:10:48.320 --> 0:10:51.080 and went and saw a GP who had me booked 0:10:51.080 --> 0:10:54.280 to see a gastro ontologist the next day. So once 0:10:54.400 --> 0:10:57.559 she heard my symptoms, which I'm really quite lucky because 0:10:57.600 --> 0:11:00.000 I had just moved back to here, to Adelaide. We 0:11:00.080 --> 0:11:02.959 got a trade with Jeremy's work. Had only been here 0:11:02.960 --> 0:11:05.760 for two weeks and had to go see just a 0:11:05.800 --> 0:11:08.000 bolk build GP, the closest one that I could find 0:11:08.120 --> 0:11:10.360 the next available appointment, and I got really lucky that 0:11:10.360 --> 0:11:12.800 it was a female GP that took me really seriously 0:11:12.800 --> 0:11:14.760 as soon as I told her, I guess what was 0:11:14.800 --> 0:11:15.199 going on? 0:11:15.760 --> 0:11:19.040 And take me back to the day that you go. 0:11:19.120 --> 0:11:22.600 It's three months after you've given birth, or they're thereabouts. 0:11:22.840 --> 0:11:28.840 You go back in for your for your colonoscopy. Take 0:11:28.880 --> 0:11:31.560 me through that day. Was it just you just thought 0:11:31.600 --> 0:11:33.880 you're going to go in do this and then you're 0:11:33.880 --> 0:11:36.360 going to walk out and you get the results whenever. 0:11:36.880 --> 0:11:38.400 What was going through your mind on that day? 0:11:39.040 --> 0:11:41.600 Yeah, Well, the hardest part of a kolonoscopy is the prep, 0:11:42.280 --> 0:11:44.520 which I learned the hard way, and when you have 0:11:44.760 --> 0:11:48.840 a complete bower block, it's quite hard to pass the prep. 0:11:49.559 --> 0:11:52.000 I thought that I was just constipated, but obviously it 0:11:52.040 --> 0:11:54.400 turned out that there was a fat tumor in my ass. 0:11:55.880 --> 0:11:59.320 I say that very easily because that's just how it is. 0:12:00.840 --> 0:12:04.160 But yeah, so I was at home with Sophia, so 0:12:04.200 --> 0:12:08.400 my three month old breastfeeding still by myself because Jeremy 0:12:08.480 --> 0:12:10.840 just started this new job here in Adelaide and he 0:12:10.920 --> 0:12:12.760 had to do all the media and stuff around that, 0:12:13.080 --> 0:12:15.480 and I was taking the prep at the same time. 0:12:15.559 --> 0:12:18.640 And he got home from wherever he had to be 0:12:18.760 --> 0:12:20.720 that day and I was asleep on the shower floor 0:12:20.760 --> 0:12:22.560 with the shower running, and she was asleep on the 0:12:22.600 --> 0:12:25.280 bath mat next to me. So it kind of puts 0:12:25.320 --> 0:12:28.520 in perspective how hard the prep was on my body 0:12:28.559 --> 0:12:30.560 because I couldn't pass it the way you meant to. 0:12:30.600 --> 0:12:34.440 I was throwing it back up. So that was the 0:12:34.480 --> 0:12:39.600 morning of my colonoscopy. I presented to the day suite 0:12:40.280 --> 0:12:43.560 at about midday. My kolonoscopy was booked for about two 0:12:43.600 --> 0:12:46.640 o'clock that afternoon, And the part that I was the 0:12:46.640 --> 0:12:48.800 most angry about, I guess was the fact that I 0:12:48.800 --> 0:12:50.960 hadn't eaten for twenty four hours and it was kept 0:12:50.960 --> 0:12:55.520 being delayed, which in hindsight obviously like really not the 0:12:55.559 --> 0:12:58.960 biggest deal. I'm angry, Oh, I was, And when I 0:12:59.000 --> 0:13:01.640 woke up and the nurses being so beautiful to me, 0:13:01.760 --> 0:13:04.000 and like, obviously they knew exactly what was going on, 0:13:04.040 --> 0:13:05.640 but I thought they were just being so nice because 0:13:05.640 --> 0:13:10.679 I was starving. Yeah, and then I woke up thinking 0:13:10.800 --> 0:13:12.880 not much of it. Maybe I'd get given a diet 0:13:12.920 --> 0:13:16.320 plan or something like that. Like I had this little 0:13:16.320 --> 0:13:17.719 baby that I had to look after. I couldn't be 0:13:17.760 --> 0:13:22.760 looking after myself. I walked into the gastrotologist's little room 0:13:22.880 --> 0:13:24.560 and he just turned around a piece of paper which 0:13:24.600 --> 0:13:27.120 had photos of the insides of my bow. Obviously I 0:13:27.120 --> 0:13:29.000 didn't know that that's what it was. But when he 0:13:29.040 --> 0:13:30.840 turned it around, he's like, this is what bow cancer 0:13:30.840 --> 0:13:33.199 looks like. And I was like, oh, yeah, and what 0:13:33.320 --> 0:13:35.520 does my bows look like? And he's like, this is 0:13:35.720 --> 0:13:36.120 your bow. 0:13:36.360 --> 0:13:39.400 I was like, oh, that's how they broke. 0:13:39.240 --> 0:13:40.280 That, that's how it was delivered. 0:13:40.480 --> 0:13:42.440 Yeah, what bow cancer looks like. 0:13:43.120 --> 0:13:45.760 Yeah. So I think that he does this every day 0:13:45.800 --> 0:13:48.400 of his life. That it's kind of like if we 0:13:48.400 --> 0:13:49.760 don't say it like this and we make a big 0:13:49.800 --> 0:13:52.320 deal about it, I don't know, it was so weird. 0:13:53.480 --> 0:13:56.000 Well, it is a pretty big deal, to be fair, 0:13:56.480 --> 0:13:59.280 And what's your first initial thought process after that? 0:14:00.600 --> 0:14:02.959 Yeah, so I kind of yeah, I just went blank 0:14:03.080 --> 0:14:05.920 a little bit. I didn't give him much, so he 0:14:06.000 --> 0:14:08.480 kept giving me more information. I guess he was just 0:14:08.520 --> 0:14:12.040 speaking and speaking and speaking and speaking, And basically we 0:14:12.120 --> 0:14:14.680 left off with he'd already spoken to his mate, a 0:14:14.720 --> 0:14:17.040 surgeon here in Adelaide, and I was booked in to 0:14:17.040 --> 0:14:21.280 see him tomorrow, like the day after after hours, So 0:14:21.360 --> 0:14:23.440 as soon as he'd knocked off from work, basically he 0:14:23.480 --> 0:14:27.240 was just squeezing me in And that's how we left off. 0:14:27.280 --> 0:14:29.400 So I left off with very little knowledge, knowing that 0:14:29.440 --> 0:14:31.640 I had bow cancer with a piece of paper that 0:14:31.680 --> 0:14:34.320 has photos of it, and knowing that I was going 0:14:34.320 --> 0:14:35.560 to see the surgeon the next day. 0:14:37.000 --> 0:14:40.960 Wow, so that's the only news you get. You don't 0:14:40.960 --> 0:14:43.400 notice severity of it. Obviously, the next day you're going 0:14:43.440 --> 0:14:45.960 to meet someone who's going to really really break it down. 0:14:46.280 --> 0:14:50.600 What was that that period before that next meeting the 0:14:50.640 --> 0:14:54.760 next day? What's going through your head? Where's your head at? 0:14:54.880 --> 0:14:55.600 Where are you at? 0:14:56.560 --> 0:14:58.440 Yeah? So I actually sat in the back seat of 0:14:58.480 --> 0:15:01.360 the car with Sophia in her bascinette, which I hadn't 0:15:01.400 --> 0:15:05.200 done for ages. I feel like I couldn't let her 0:15:05.200 --> 0:15:07.920 out of my sight. It was almost like she was 0:15:08.320 --> 0:15:10.960 gone without any even starting anything or even knowing what 0:15:11.000 --> 0:15:14.240 I was doing. Like that bond that we had was 0:15:14.280 --> 0:15:16.200 about to be broken. Like It's like I knew before 0:15:16.200 --> 0:15:21.720 I knew it was animalistic, almost how destrayed I was. 0:15:22.680 --> 0:15:25.720 My husband, well, my boyfriend at the time, was on 0:15:25.800 --> 0:15:28.640 the phone to my mum basically telling her to get 0:15:28.640 --> 0:15:31.080 on the next flight with Again, we had no information, 0:15:31.160 --> 0:15:33.800 so we couldn't even tell her the severity of it 0:15:33.840 --> 0:15:37.320 because we didn't know. He also caught a couple of 0:15:37.320 --> 0:15:40.360 friends that were meeting me. They were at home when 0:15:40.360 --> 0:15:43.320 I got home for them to try and help out, 0:15:43.360 --> 0:15:44.920 I guess, But at the same time, I was like 0:15:45.600 --> 0:15:47.680 not wanting help because I was like, I'm still able 0:15:47.720 --> 0:15:49.760 to look after my own daughter. Like I'm like, I've 0:15:49.840 --> 0:15:52.000 got a diagnosis, whatever it may be, but I'm still 0:15:52.080 --> 0:15:54.520 nothing's happened, nothing's changed in the last day other than 0:15:54.560 --> 0:15:55.960 a few words. 0:15:56.680 --> 0:16:04.000 Psychologically, you're looking at your daughter, do you does it 0:16:04.040 --> 0:16:07.280 break you? Does it? Or are you just thinking? Right? 0:16:07.280 --> 0:16:09.800 I need to find out the severity of it. I 0:16:09.840 --> 0:16:11.600 need to find out exactly what it is. 0:16:11.640 --> 0:16:11.840 You know? 0:16:12.760 --> 0:16:15.640 Or is your world literally crumbling in that car? 0:16:16.800 --> 0:16:21.360 Yeah? Like I was, I was nowhere. I was literally nowhere. 0:16:21.400 --> 0:16:24.560 My thoughts were complete, Marsh. I was incomplete denial or 0:16:24.560 --> 0:16:28.000 I had I'd never heard of cancer and had it 0:16:28.080 --> 0:16:31.200 linked to anyone younger than my grandparents. So it was 0:16:31.280 --> 0:16:35.200 like it was just a weird, really weird reality to 0:16:35.240 --> 0:16:38.800 be living in, especially knowing that it was directed at me. 0:16:39.320 --> 0:16:42.080 Wasn't like I wasn't hearing on the news. I wasn't. 0:16:42.200 --> 0:16:45.120 It was like it was real and I kind of 0:16:45.160 --> 0:16:47.440 had to try and process that while also trying to 0:16:47.800 --> 0:16:52.440 keep my head my head strong, funnily enough so that 0:16:52.560 --> 0:16:54.760 my husband didn't crumble because I needed him to be 0:16:54.800 --> 0:16:56.640 able to parent as well as me try to parent. 0:16:56.680 --> 0:16:59.080 It was just there was so much happening, but at 0:16:59.080 --> 0:17:01.040 the same time we didn't even know what we had 0:17:01.080 --> 0:17:03.000 ahead of us, so it was so hard to try 0:17:03.040 --> 0:17:07.720 and put things in place. But yeah, it was wild, 0:17:07.840 --> 0:17:11.120 and I don't I don't think he really realized what 0:17:11.200 --> 0:17:13.400 that was going to mean for us until obviously we'd 0:17:13.440 --> 0:17:14.800 sat down and we'd gone through it. 0:17:15.160 --> 0:17:17.879 How does the next day play out? And did do 0:17:17.920 --> 0:17:22.119 your parents fly in and who's there when you realize 0:17:22.160 --> 0:17:25.520 the severity of the bow cancer that you have. 0:17:26.280 --> 0:17:28.560 So one of my friends is quite medically inclined, and 0:17:28.600 --> 0:17:32.119 she happened to show up that night that I was diagnosed, 0:17:32.200 --> 0:17:34.200 so she was going through the paperwork and I guess 0:17:34.240 --> 0:17:36.639 filling everyone in that was contacting me because I just 0:17:36.680 --> 0:17:39.840 went completely mute and didn't speak to anyone, didn't reply 0:17:39.920 --> 0:17:42.600 to anyone, didn't answer phone calls. So she was, I guess, 0:17:42.720 --> 0:17:47.080 being that person that everyone went through, and she could 0:17:47.080 --> 0:17:49.240 tell mum just by looking at the photos that it 0:17:49.359 --> 0:17:53.199 definitely wasn't stage one or two, potentially stage three, but 0:17:53.440 --> 0:17:56.360 looking it was huge and it was everywhere like it's 0:17:56.359 --> 0:17:59.680 probably going to be stage four. But so I bring 0:17:59.720 --> 0:18:02.400 her with me to the surgeon's appointment, and my mum 0:18:02.520 --> 0:18:05.439 rocked up that morning as well. So there was my mum, 0:18:05.640 --> 0:18:10.600 my best friend, my Jeremy, my boyfriend, and Sophia were 0:18:10.600 --> 0:18:12.240 all in the surgeon's office and he just had to 0:18:12.280 --> 0:18:15.480 try and I guess explain. He quite literally drew pictures 0:18:15.520 --> 0:18:17.560 to explain kind of what was going to go on, 0:18:17.760 --> 0:18:19.920 because it was going in one ear and out the other. 0:18:20.040 --> 0:18:24.000 But it wasn't until we had scan the following week 0:18:24.240 --> 0:18:27.280 that we realized I guess that it had spread elsewhere, 0:18:27.320 --> 0:18:29.000 so that it was stage. 0:18:28.640 --> 0:18:41.320 Four, stage four cancer. What is stage four cancer? 0:18:41.760 --> 0:18:46.159 Yes, it's actually stage four terminal cancer, which we wow. 0:18:46.200 --> 0:18:49.920 The media loves to pick up that word, but it's 0:18:50.000 --> 0:18:54.280 essentially just means that it's spread from the primary tumor, 0:18:54.320 --> 0:18:58.040 which was in my rectum, to another organ. So if 0:18:58.080 --> 0:19:01.040 it's only spread to the lymph nodes, it would be 0:19:01.080 --> 0:19:03.359 stage three. If it was the primary tumor, and just 0:19:03.440 --> 0:19:05.960 outside of the primary tumor in those linkhodes I be 0:19:06.000 --> 0:19:08.760 stage two and stage one is just that tumor. 0:19:09.320 --> 0:19:14.199 So you literally get told that you've got terminal cancer, 0:19:14.480 --> 0:19:18.520 the worst possible outcome that you could have, you know, 0:19:19.920 --> 0:19:25.680 hopeful and wished for. What's the atmosphere like in the 0:19:25.800 --> 0:19:30.719 room when that word comes out, you've got terminal cancer? 0:19:31.000 --> 0:19:35.320 It was a lot of confusion, I guess, only because 0:19:35.480 --> 0:19:39.000 we've just heard of this cancer and now it's terminal. 0:19:40.000 --> 0:19:44.920 And my surgeon's body language went from we will cure 0:19:45.000 --> 0:19:48.160 you you're twenty five years old to or will try 0:19:48.320 --> 0:19:51.679 prolong your life as soon as he realized the extent 0:19:51.800 --> 0:19:55.320 as well. It's not one that's easily cured, but it 0:19:55.720 --> 0:20:01.520 is curable. About cancer is curable, it's just I'm one 0:20:01.520 --> 0:20:04.919 of the unlucky cases that have yet to hit remissions. 0:20:05.000 --> 0:20:10.760 So yeah, it was a lot at the time, and 0:20:10.920 --> 0:20:13.520 all I was worried about was my fertility, and I 0:20:13.560 --> 0:20:18.919 guess the collateral damage that I know cancer brings obviously 0:20:19.000 --> 0:20:20.720 a three month old, and that was my forefront of 0:20:20.800 --> 0:20:23.440 my mind. Even having this diagnosis. All I was thinking 0:20:23.440 --> 0:20:26.760 about was her future and her having siblings. And my 0:20:27.359 --> 0:20:29.080 surgeon looked me dead in the eye and said, would 0:20:29.080 --> 0:20:32.680 you rather give her a sibling or a mum? So 0:20:32.840 --> 0:20:35.000 that kind of was my wake up call, like, holy shit, 0:20:35.080 --> 0:20:35.600 this is real. 0:20:37.760 --> 0:20:41.560 Wow, how does that affect you as a mother. 0:20:42.320 --> 0:20:43.800 It's like I've failed her? 0:20:46.240 --> 0:20:46.720 Why was that? 0:20:48.119 --> 0:20:51.520 Well, yeah, I guess you have all these ideas and preconceived, 0:20:51.600 --> 0:20:54.800 like lived experience of how you've grown up and how 0:20:54.880 --> 0:20:58.639 you want your family to grow up, and then like 0:20:58.800 --> 0:21:02.320 this little three month old, she can't do anything. She 0:21:02.480 --> 0:21:04.680 doesn't have an opinion to be like I'd rather siblings, 0:21:04.720 --> 0:21:06.879 Like obviously she's never gonna say that, but do you 0:21:06.960 --> 0:21:08.400 know what I mean? Like, she doesn't get a say 0:21:08.440 --> 0:21:11.399 in this, and we dictate how her life lives. And 0:21:11.560 --> 0:21:16.120 in that moment, I was basically selfishly choosing myself over 0:21:16.840 --> 0:21:17.359 her life. 0:21:19.640 --> 0:21:23.600 And how does Jeremy and your family take the news, 0:21:23.680 --> 0:21:27.160 Because again, going from zero to one hundred, like you said, 0:21:27.200 --> 0:21:31.760 I've got cancer, then terminal and cah, How did your 0:21:31.800 --> 0:21:36.000 family and especially Jeremy, your husband, what was there you know? 0:21:36.080 --> 0:21:37.920 Initial response? I suppose. 0:21:38.800 --> 0:21:41.719 I don't think anyone really processed it until we were 0:21:41.880 --> 0:21:43.720 out of her, if that makes sense. So, like the 0:21:43.880 --> 0:21:47.120 nine months of doing the treatment and the surgeries, because 0:21:47.119 --> 0:21:50.880