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Speaker 1: Apodjet Production.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to Secrets of the Underworld. I am Neil the

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Speaker 2: Muscle comments and in this episode, I speak with Nina Ulk,

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Speaker 2: a domestic violence survivor turned activist.

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Speaker 1: It was a very horrific attack by eight grown men

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Speaker 1: on a young fourteen year old girl, and he sets

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Speaker 1: my pillow on fire. You don't forget the smell of

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Speaker 1: burning hair. I can't split up because you know what,

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Speaker 1: in my culture, you're supposed to stay here till you die,

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Speaker 1: and I was going to die. I just didn't know it.

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Speaker 1: Did he get in charge? No? Did they ask me

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Speaker 1: if I'm the first charge? Is No. A lot of

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Speaker 1: people to know I have healed, because it's important for

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Speaker 1: them to know that. But when I'm telling it, it

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Speaker 1: hurts because I'm human, I'm not robotic.

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Speaker 2: What we'll do is we'll start off like as I said,

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Speaker 2: I want to get to know you and when you're

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Speaker 2: growing up and all like that, so we'll kind of

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Speaker 2: tell me about your story.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. Sure, So I'm known as and as a life coach.

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Speaker 1: I live in London, so it seemed like a good title.

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Speaker 1: Somebody else gave it to me and I liked it

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Speaker 1: so much. I thought I'm going to keep that trademarket,

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Speaker 1: and I'm glad I did. I'm born and raised in

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Speaker 1: the United Kingdom in a place called Leicester, which is

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Speaker 1: sort of Middle Midlands area, middle of England. If nobody knows,

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Speaker 1: it's a nice area. There's lots of different types of

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Speaker 1: people living their different ethnicities. And to be honest with

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Speaker 1: I was brought in a very white British area where

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Speaker 1: I lived with my parents. My parents are from South Asia.

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Speaker 1: They're from the Punjab in India, and they don't really

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Speaker 1: practice the religion if I'm being honest, although now I

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Speaker 1: think they too. But religion and culture are very different things,

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Speaker 1: and people constantly confuse the two and say it's cult.

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Speaker 1: It's not culture. It's because of our religion. But religion often,

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Speaker 1: I think gets confused with culture. And a lot of

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Speaker 1: the things that happened to me are cultural. They're the

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Speaker 1: belief systems that it's like in England. You know, fish

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Speaker 1: and ships have to be served in a paper bag

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Speaker 1: almost if you have it served in a box, it

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Speaker 1: doesn't see plain. It's that cultural thing, you know, It's

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Speaker 1: that thing you've been brought. Some goes on tostal. I

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Speaker 1: might really but and with my culture, girls just aren't

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Speaker 1: really wanted. I'm born the third child to my parents

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Speaker 1: as far as I know, and I'm the first girl

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Speaker 1: that was born into the family. I've got two older brothers,

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Speaker 1: one seven years older than me, one four years older

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Speaker 1: than me. But when boys are born in my culture,

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Speaker 1: the Punjabi culture, the Indian culture, really they're celebrated. You know,

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Speaker 1: there's big parties, suites are given out, and then a

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Speaker 1: year after they celebrate them all over again. So it's

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Speaker 1: like a constant celebration of this life. Because now there's

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Speaker 1: an air they're going to carry on the name. But

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Speaker 1: with girls, it's very different. Now some people celebrate. I'm

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Speaker 1: not saying everyone's the same because they're not. The majority

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Speaker 1: of victims and survivors that come to me say the

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Speaker 1: same thing. Even in twenty twenty four, they're saying the

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Speaker 1: same thing. So I know it's still a huge problem globally,

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Speaker 1: and I've had so many messages from Australia it's quite scary,

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Speaker 1: if I'm being honest. But I wasn't celebrated. Actually it

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Speaker 1: was the reverse. They thought I was carrying some sort

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Speaker 1: of evil spirit. My nickname was Borthany which means like

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Speaker 1: which like a ghost type of person. I didn't respond

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Speaker 1: to any other name because that's what they called me.

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Speaker 1: I thought it was my name until I got older

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Speaker 1: at school and I realized I was writing a totally

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Speaker 1: different name. My birth name was actually a boy's name,

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Speaker 1: so I don't use it. I started to call myself

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Speaker 1: Nina when I joined a large corporation at seventeen, and

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Speaker 1: they couldn't pronounce my name. So in England, if you've

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Speaker 1: got a different name, your bosses will just say coyrself

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Speaker 1: Sarah or coyrself something else. It's just easier. And I

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Speaker 1: quite liked Nina because it sounded very feminine, and I

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Speaker 1: didn't feel feminine at that point, and it's just kind

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Speaker 1: of stuck with me, so I've been using it for

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Speaker 1: a very long time. But my parents literally kept me

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Speaker 1: in my room all the time as a modern day slave.

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Speaker 1: But I didn't understand that because when it's happening to

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Speaker 1: you just think that's the way it is, and it's

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Speaker 1: like that for every other girl, but my different The

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Speaker 1: difference between me and the other girls were they were

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Speaker 1: often allowed to sit with their parents and eat at

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Speaker 1: the same table. I was allowed to prepare the meal,

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Speaker 1: clean up after the meal, and then I was supposed

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Speaker 1: to just be back in my room. But as a

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Speaker 1: young kid between six and fourteen, I was a happy kid.

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Speaker 1: You know. I would go to school and I'd be

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Speaker 1: the one put in my hand right at the front,

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Speaker 1: trying to please the teachers. Food for me was my

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Speaker 1: extent of love because I did all of the cooking

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Speaker 1: in the house on such a young age, and I

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Speaker 1: thought that was my participation in family, the family lifestyle.

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Speaker 1: That's what my part was, my giving. And you know,

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Speaker 1: feeding people is a way. It's like a lovelanguge. Don't

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Speaker 1: like that word, but it is a love language. So

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Speaker 1: I thought back then that was how I was connected

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Speaker 1: to my family.

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Speaker 2: Would you do this when like relatives came over and

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Speaker 2: family friends?

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Speaker 1: So yeah, So I was doing the same thing, but

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Speaker 1: my mum would be slightly more involved. When relatives would

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Speaker 1: come over, she would often be in the kitchen, and

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Speaker 1: she would be in and out of the kitchen. Often

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Speaker 1: she would take the food because I wasn't the prettiest thing.

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Speaker 1: In their opinion, I was always seen as the dirty

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Speaker 1: girl because I didn't have showers like they had. I

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Speaker 1: didn't have clean clothes like they had. I was definitely

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Speaker 1: treated very differently, and relatives saw this, but they also

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Speaker 1: knew that I was a girl, and that's why I

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Speaker 1: was being treated this way. So the whole community condone

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Speaker 1: this kind of behavior. Not one person stands up to say,

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Speaker 1: hold on, this isn't right. She's just a child, this

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Speaker 1: isn't right. They won't do it. And my father was

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Speaker 1: quite a scary person. A lot of people were intimidated

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Speaker 1: by him in the community because he was doing really

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Speaker 1: well well and which wasn't normal back then. You know,

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Speaker 1: he was into pubs and stuff. He was a very

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Speaker 1: shrewd businessman. He also was a professional wrestler, so you know,

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Speaker 1: back in those days he was on television wrestling and things,

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Speaker 1: so people really respected him. He was slightly a little

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Speaker 1: bit above the average person. He lived in a very

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Speaker 1: large house in a very white community, which gave him

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Speaker 1: that presidence over everybody else too, whereas they would huddled.

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Speaker 2: In little Was your mother scared of him?

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Speaker 1: I think she was. I think everybody was scared of him.

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Speaker 1: He had that presence in the sense of if he

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Speaker 1: was coming, we would all cower, we would all be worried,

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Speaker 1: just because he was very aggressive, and he didn't talk

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Speaker 1: to us like a normal father. You know, he would

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Speaker 1: I don't want to swear because it's not my thing,

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Speaker 1: but he would swear at us continuously in the very

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Speaker 1: vulgar language, and it was just part of the way

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Speaker 1: he was, you know, we didn't question it. He kind

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Speaker 1: of lived his own life to his terms, and we

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Speaker 1: lived our lives to his terms. So it was a

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Speaker 1: bit of a difficult upbringing, to say the least. But

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Speaker 1: that was my life and I was happy with it.

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Speaker 1: I didn't know any different.

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Speaker 2: Like I said, But when you were at school and

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Speaker 2: seeing the way of especially girls that you know, your friends,

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Speaker 2: the way they were treated with their parents, didn't you

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Speaker 2: think when you went back to your house after school,

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Speaker 2: why don't I have that? Why don't my mom and

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Speaker 2: dad treat me like this?

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Speaker 1: Yeah? I did, see, I was, you know, there was

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Speaker 1: only a few of us that didn't have parents dropping

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Speaker 1: us off. The girl. I walked to school with two

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Speaker 1: girls and their parents worked, so they were quite young.

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Speaker 1: They walked with me. I don't know how we became friends,

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Speaker 1: but we did. And to be honest with you, they

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Speaker 1: were very much a good part of my childhood, I

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Speaker 1: would see parents the evening, people coming to parents evening

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Speaker 1: because they would come straight after school and that's when Parents'

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Speaker 1: Evening was. My parents obviously didn't come, so I would

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Speaker 1: see the children hugging their mum, and the moms would

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Speaker 1: hug them back, pick them up, give them huggs. There

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Speaker 1: was an ice cream machine. There was always an ice

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Speaker 1: cream machine. I was bereen ran outside schools and they

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Speaker 1: would get at my scream and I would actually be

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Speaker 1: really happy for them, not understanding that I could have that,

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Speaker 1: and also with them being a different culture, I thought

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Speaker 1: that's how white British parents treat their children, even the

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Speaker 1: ones I saw from South Asian communities doing that. I

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Speaker 1: thought it was because there must be something even in me,

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Speaker 1: because that's what I was told, so I don't really

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Speaker 1: question it. I was one of those kids, and I

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Speaker 1: still am that person that's very happy for somebody else,

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Speaker 1: whatever's happening to them. You know, if you see a couple,

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Speaker 1: sometimes if you're single and you see a couple getting

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Speaker 1: on and there holding hands or something, you know, and

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Speaker 1: people go, oh, for God's say, you know, I'm actually

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Speaker 1: the opposite. I'm the person saying I'm really happy for them.

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Speaker 1: I'm that's so nice for them. You know, I'm that person.

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Speaker 1: But that was just me.

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Speaker 2: I guess what about your brother? Did you have a

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Speaker 2: good relationship with your brother like this? Wasn't he he

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Speaker 2: seen that? Or was it just were you are? You

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Speaker 2: brought up when you're when you're a male, knowing that

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Speaker 2: that's how my sister is treated, so we didn't think

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Speaker 2: anything of it.

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Speaker 1: My oldest brother played the father role because my father

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Speaker 1: was absent quite a lot because we had he had

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Speaker 1: businesses about half an hour drive away. He would use

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Speaker 1: that excuse to stay out, and I know that he

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Speaker 1: was having extramarital affairs, but we just got on with it.

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Speaker 1: So my oldest brother, who like I said, it was

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Speaker 1: only seven years old, he took a real parental role.

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Speaker 1: So he was very aggressive, so he just copied whatever

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Speaker 1: my father did. My other brother was a little bit

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Speaker 1: more quiet, kept himself, but he was abusive in his

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Speaker 1: own way. He did abuse me many a time, and

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Speaker 1: they both would hit me. They both would scour at me,

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Speaker 1: told me to get out. You know, I was constantly

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Speaker 1: winded by my oldest brother just for looking the wrong way,

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Speaker 1: and I had a real thing about keeping my eyes down,

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Speaker 1: which I've said in other videos too, because girls are

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Speaker 1: not supposed to be making eye contact. It is seen

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Speaker 1: as rude. Or if I was in a room with you, Neil,

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Speaker 1: I would be told by my parents were you looking

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Speaker 1: at him because you wanted him sexually? You know? And

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Speaker 1: it's nothing like that. We're not supposed to just do

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Speaker 1: those things. So our eyes are always down, our mouths

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Speaker 1: are always shut, and we just listen.

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Speaker 2: Wow, when you were like in school and you were

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Speaker 2: getting abused, did you ever want to speak out or

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Speaker 2: were you too scared to or did you just think

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Speaker 2: that's the natural thing I've been, You know, I've been,

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Speaker 2: must have been naughty. That's how I get treated. How

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Speaker 2: are you dealing with that?

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Speaker 1: Well? A lot of people say, why didn't you tell

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Speaker 1: a teacher? The teachers weren't really interested, if I'm being honest.

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Speaker 1: I used to get beat up every playtime or lunchtime.

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Speaker 1: All my brother used to get beaten up.

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Speaker 2: You know.

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Speaker 1: It was like a scrap scrap and everybody would go running.

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Speaker 1: There'd be like a massive pile of people on top

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Speaker 1: of my brother or on top of me because we

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Speaker 1: were people of this color. You know I wasn't the

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Speaker 1: same as everyone else, so we had that problem of

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Speaker 1: being bullied because of racial violence, but nobody did anything

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Speaker 1: about it. So it doesn't give you the confidence in

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Speaker 1: a teacher to say, excuse me, I need help. And

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Speaker 1: I was desperate many a times for help. But hopefully

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Speaker 1: teachers listening now, wherever they are in the world, will

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Speaker 1: understand that quiet child, the dirty child, is neglected. They

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Speaker 1: need help, they need love, they need that support.

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Speaker 2: What's funny you say that because when I was in school,

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Speaker 2: back when I was probably eleven years old, I used

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Speaker 2: to go overseas a lot, and when I used to

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Speaker 2: come back, I'll be brown. And a lot of people

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Speaker 2: in my school didn't get the privilege to go overseas,

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Speaker 2: you know what I mean, And I was the lucky one.

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Speaker 2: And it's funny you just both. I just remember then.

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Speaker 2: I remember coming back and the first day, all my

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Speaker 2: friends turned on me, and the whole school did on

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Speaker 2: a lunchtime because I was brown. And I remember they

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Speaker 2: got me in a corner and were calling me the

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Speaker 2: B word for over fifteen minutes, and they knew that

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Speaker 2: I wasn't, but they were calling me because I'd come

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Speaker 2: back brown. And yeah, that's so true, and the teachers

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Speaker 2: didn't want to know about it back then.

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Speaker 1: I mean, children could be so cruel, can't they. You know,

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Speaker 1: I often the time, my children don't say that you

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Speaker 1: could think about the other person when they were growing up.

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Speaker 1: It's part of child you're learning. I get that, but

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Speaker 1: when you're the one being constantly picked on, it's difficult,

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Speaker 1: you know. I used to have them stand behind me

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Speaker 1: spit in my hair. I would love to see these

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Speaker 1: people now, just to actually extend my love to them,

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Speaker 1: because I felt they maybe missed that love when they

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Speaker 1: were younger. But they were really mean to the point where,

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Speaker 1: you know, my hair is long. It was long then,

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Speaker 1: it's long now. But I used to get called the

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Speaker 1: pea wed, as you said, but they would pull my

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Speaker 1: hair in the changing rooms, you know, sort of ding dong,

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Speaker 1: and that jokes just continuously went on, and I just

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Speaker 1: accepted them because I thought, no one's going to do anything,

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Speaker 1: no one's going to ask me if I'm okay. This

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Speaker 1: is just how life was. And a lot of my

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Speaker 1: attitude was this is how life is.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, tell me I know this. And I know you

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Speaker 2: wanted to not get I don't know if you do

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Speaker 2: want to talk about it, but I did. I've watched

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Speaker 2: a bit of the podcast that you've you've talked about,

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Speaker 2: and I've read up a lot on the media that

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Speaker 2: you've You've been involved with the instant when you were

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Speaker 2: fourteen years old and your dad used to come back

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Speaker 2: with a few friends from the house there, and all

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Speaker 2: like that, and because he was a por boner and

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Speaker 2: all like that, and your mum used to wake you

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Speaker 2: up because you had to feed himself and the friends

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Speaker 2: with food. Are you able to talk about that or

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Speaker 2: that bit too much? Too? No?

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Speaker 1: No, I mean it's part of the story. You see.

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Speaker 1: People think I want people to know I have healed,

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Speaker 1: because it's important for them to know that. But when

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Speaker 1: I'm telling it, it hurts because I'm human, I'm not robotic,

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Speaker 1: and there are certain parts of everyone's life where the

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Speaker 1: moments are very dark. I tell people you have to

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Speaker 1: literally go back to that darks and dance in it

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Speaker 1: to be able to move on and let go. Otherwise,

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Speaker 1: that darkness stays within you, and you either internalize it

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Speaker 1: or externalize it. You either become that abuser or you

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Speaker 1: become very depressed and broken inside. I am not that

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Speaker 1: broken person. But when I tell my story, it does

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Speaker 1: really really hurt me because I was an innocent child.

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Speaker 1: And yeah, my dad used to go out all the

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Speaker 1: time on a weekend and bring back lots of his friends.

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Speaker 1: And we don't my culture, we don't say their names

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Speaker 1: out of respect. We say uncle or brother or sister

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Speaker 1: or auntie. We never say their names. But we're not related.

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Speaker 1: There are no relationships, you know, in the sense that

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Speaker 1: they're not my uncle's real uncles. My dad used to

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Speaker 1: bring them back all the time, and my job, yes,

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Speaker 1: was to wake up to cook for them. And you know,

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Speaker 1: people have prominent toys, maybe a football or maybe I

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Speaker 1: don't know. My kids would probably have like my one

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Speaker 1: of my boys, I Little Bob, the build a hammer,

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Speaker 1: you know, those sort of things that they remember their

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Speaker 1: childhood back. But I had this white train and I talk

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Speaker 1: about this white Traine because it was so significant to

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Speaker 1: my childhood because from a small age, I'm carrying this

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Speaker 1: spot in the screen. But it's like a huge, really

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Speaker 1: really big tray and I swing it around when it

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Speaker 1: was empty. You know, it was kind of like a toy,

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Speaker 1: but it also signified my role in the family as

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Speaker 1: the giver the feeder, the caretaker, and the tray was

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Speaker 1: also a symbol of I've made the food and I'm

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Speaker 1: going to take it. My job's nearly over. So one

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Speaker 1: day I had made the food for my parent, my dad,

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Speaker 1: and his friends, and they were exceptionally drunk. I was

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Speaker 1: sat on the bottom stairs because because we had this

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Speaker 1: huge wooden staircase. My father's house was beautiful, it's still

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Speaker 1: probably very beautiful, and I remember feeling quite vulnerable and

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Speaker 1: scared because my inner mess service, as I call it,

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Speaker 1: we all have, it was telling me something's not right,

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Speaker 1: it's not going to be good. And I do believe

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Speaker 1: I am very spiritual. I do believe that we are

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Speaker 1: literally spiritual beings. And a lot of people use the

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Speaker 1: word having this human experience, but whatever experience we're having,

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Speaker 1: we do have a different kind of way of knowing,

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Speaker 1: sometimes of right and wrong. And I knew that I

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Speaker 1: didn't want to go in that room that night, but

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Speaker 1: I had to. I had no choices.

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Speaker 2: I was did your mom, like, did your mom ever

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Speaker 2: help you or did she just tell you You've got

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Speaker 2: to do it by yourself. She would never know that.

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Speaker 1: No, my mom would wake me up and go to

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Speaker 1: bed my brothers would be asleep, because this was always

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Speaker 1: eleven twelve o'clock, and back then, we used to all

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Speaker 1: go to bed at nine o'clock. It was a thing

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Speaker 1: back that everyone was in bed by nine. It was late.

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Speaker 1: If you were past nine o'clock, it was super late.

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Speaker 1: So we went to bed at nine. And I'm fifty

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Speaker 1: nearly fifty four now, so there's a long time ago.

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Speaker 1: Things have changed. Nine o'clock isn't so late anymore. But

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Speaker 1: this was sort of twelve midnight because I think last

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Speaker 1: call at the bar back then used to be about

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Speaker 1: eleven ish, eleven thirty is so I know they used

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Speaker 1: to come back about that time, eleven thirty twelve, and

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Speaker 1: I'd be cooking and i'd be back in bed by

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Speaker 1: one the latest. But on this night, my father was

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Speaker 1: the first person out of all eight of these men

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Speaker 1: to grab me by my wrist, and that tray fell

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Speaker 1: because I'd gone back in to pick the dishes up,

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Speaker 1: and he threw me onto a low table, and he

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Speaker 1: was the first person to eate me. But it was

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Speaker 1: a very horrific attack by eight grown men on a

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Speaker 1: young fourteen year old girl that was purely innocent, and

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Speaker 1: I kept my eyes wide shirt, I didn't speak, and

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Speaker 1: even if I tried to speak a lot at the time,

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Speaker 1: a hand was over my mouth to the point where

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Speaker 1: I felt I was suffocating, you know, I was strangled

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Speaker 1: in this attack. I had bottles put in me in

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Speaker 1: their sexual kind of violent, perverted games. I was bitten

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Speaker 1: all down one of my shoulders by one particular man

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Speaker 1: who was exceptionally aggressive, and I was thrown around like

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Speaker 1: a commodity, almost that my father allowed them to have.

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Speaker 1: And I felt that particular night really broke who I was.

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Speaker 1: It took away not only my childhood, but my sense

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Speaker 1: of feeling safe in that house because up to this point. Sorry, sorry,

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Speaker 1: that's a pin.

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Speaker 2: Take your time.

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Speaker 1: Up to this point, I did feel safe. It was

365
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Speaker 1: my my home, you know, and even though they weren't

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Speaker 1: the best parents, I felt it was my home.

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Speaker 2: Okay, do you want to take a minute. Okay, yeah,

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Speaker 2: Because when I when I actually read that that bit

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Speaker 2: in the media, I had to read it three or

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Speaker 2: four times to actually I was actually stunned that a

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Speaker 2: father would do that, and especially let his grown friends

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Speaker 2: throw you around. And I was trying to get my

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Speaker 2: head around it. I really couldn't and like, I'm still

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Speaker 2: lost for words to even try and say what will

375
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Speaker 2: be going through your head? But your fourteen year old

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Speaker 2: girl who's innocent, and to have your mother and your

377
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Speaker 2: brothers not do anything about it. To me, it's just

378
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Speaker 2: I just can't get my head around it. I really

379
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Speaker 2: can't think.

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Speaker 1: I don't think you're supposed to understand it. A lot

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Speaker 1: of people don't get it, and I don't think any

382
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Speaker 1: of us are supposed to understand it because we won't

383
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Speaker 1: do it right. We wouldn't hurt anybody in that way,

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Speaker 1: especially our children. But I wasn't seen almost as his

385
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Speaker 1: child to him. He just saw me as an issue,

386
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Speaker 1: a problem, someone who's in the way, and girls are

387
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Speaker 1: not respected. The amount of girls I get from Punjabi,

388
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Speaker 1: the amount of messages I get from Punjabi girls under

389
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Speaker 1: the age of fifteen is crazy. It's such a huge number.

390
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Speaker 1: I work with a nonprofit that only works with people

391
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Speaker 1: from the South Asian community to help them to press

392
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Speaker 1: charges because it's difficult because no one believes you. Even

393
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Speaker 1: the other day, I did a talk and someone said,

394
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Speaker 1: you know, I spoke to my mum and dad about

395
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Speaker 1: somebody who sexually assaulted me and touched me inappropriately and

396
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Speaker 1: they said nothing. They didn't say, well, sort it out.

397
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Speaker 1: They said nothing. And I stood there and thought what

398
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Speaker 1: do I do next? And I left it. And I've

399
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Speaker 1: spoken in a Sikh temple, which I will probably never

400
00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:29,921
Speaker 1: do again, because I was too scared to do it.

401
00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:32,521
Speaker 1: You know, it's a really dangerous place for someone like

402
00:19:32,561 --> 00:19:36,120
Speaker 1: me to be stood. But I went with somebody else

403
00:19:36,201 --> 00:19:39,120
Speaker 1: and to bodyguards. You know, I've got two bodyguards at

404
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:41,520
Speaker 1: the tree follow me around all the time. And an

405
00:19:41,521 --> 00:19:43,840
Speaker 1: old lady before she left, put a hand on my

406
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Speaker 1: head and said me too. It happened to me too.

407
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Speaker 1: And I know she won't take that to a grief.

408
00:19:48,561 --> 00:19:51,480
Speaker 1: But when you are a victim of sexual abuse or

409
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Speaker 1: sexual violence or rape, you internalize it because you feel

410
00:19:55,481 --> 00:19:58,960
Speaker 1: it's your fault. You feel stigma, you feel shame. And

411
00:19:59,001 --> 00:20:02,161
Speaker 1: this doesn't matter which community or what culture you're from.

412
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Speaker 1: This is fact. And I want people to understand there's

413
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Speaker 1: no shame on us. We're not dirty. The hands that

414
00:20:08,961 --> 00:20:12,120
Speaker 1: are dirty of those people that have done that to us.

415
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Speaker 1: And if we allow them to do it and we

416
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Speaker 1: don't speak out, we give them more power because they'll

417
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Speaker 1: do it again and again and again. Because it's not

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Speaker 1: something that's easy to hear. It's definitely not something that's

419
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Speaker 1: easy to live through. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone,

420
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Speaker 1: and I only admitted this time.

421
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Speaker 2: Has your dad ever done that to you before? Had

422
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Speaker 2: he ever approached you in that way before? No.

423
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Speaker 1: I was molested by my brother, one of my brothers

424
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Speaker 1: when I was seven. I remember that really clearly. But

425
00:20:39,241 --> 00:20:40,680
Speaker 1: it didn't last for long, and that was because we

426
00:20:40,681 --> 00:20:42,600
Speaker 1: were sharing a room. And then I ended up we

427
00:20:42,681 --> 00:20:44,360
Speaker 1: ended up moving into the bigger house. I had my

428
00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:47,280
Speaker 1: own room. But again I didn't know what it was.

429
00:20:47,441 --> 00:20:49,200
Speaker 1: I didn't know what he was doing. I was just

430
00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:53,001
Speaker 1: a kid. I just didn't think anything of it. And

431
00:20:53,921 --> 00:20:56,961
Speaker 1: you don't know, you know, we don't have these conversations

432
00:20:56,961 --> 00:20:59,321
Speaker 1: with parents, and even now, a lot of parents don't

433
00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:01,681
Speaker 1: speak to their children say you know, there's a lot

434
00:21:01,681 --> 00:21:04,241
Speaker 1: of material out there now to keep your child, save

435
00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:07,600
Speaker 1: my body, my sort of thing. But you don't really

436
00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:10,400
Speaker 1: have these conversations. We don't even have conversations with adult

437
00:21:10,441 --> 00:21:12,400
Speaker 1: children to say, hey, how are you doing? How is

438
00:21:12,441 --> 00:21:14,480
Speaker 1: your week? We say, you're right, and that's it. We

439
00:21:14,521 --> 00:21:17,921
Speaker 1: almost answer the question for them. And we really need

440
00:21:17,961 --> 00:21:20,920
Speaker 1: to start addressing things so that children have that safe

441
00:21:21,321 --> 00:21:24,561
Speaker 1: space to talk and not get to an adult that

442
00:21:24,681 --> 00:21:26,960
Speaker 1: then is suffering and lact doesn't know what to do

443
00:21:27,001 --> 00:21:29,840
Speaker 1: with it, to do without suffering, which then is almost

444
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:32,680
Speaker 1: like I call them bouncing Betty's. They send out all

445
00:21:32,681 --> 00:21:36,721
Speaker 1: these shrapnels that affect partners, work, colleagues, you know, all

446
00:21:36,761 --> 00:21:39,081
Speaker 1: these different people around them, and it's because they've never

447
00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:43,161
Speaker 1: dealt with it inside themselves, and really, dancing with your

448
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:45,041
Speaker 1: demons is the only way to deal with it. But

449
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:49,441
Speaker 1: anyone that's listening that has had any kind of abuse

450
00:21:49,561 --> 00:21:53,321
Speaker 1: sexually in a violent way or non violent way, if

451
00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:55,761
Speaker 1: it's not been consensual, I want them to know that

452
00:21:56,201 --> 00:22:00,080
Speaker 1: they've not done anything wrong, that they are innocent, and

453
00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:02,120
Speaker 1: it's the person that's done it that really is the

454
00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:04,801
Speaker 1: one who, like I said, should be ashamed, should be

455
00:22:04,801 --> 00:22:05,761
Speaker 1: carrying the gill.

456
00:22:09,201 --> 00:22:14,880
Speaker 2: Is. I want to because I'm just trying to because

457
00:22:14,921 --> 00:22:16,400
Speaker 2: a lot of people would be listening to this, and

458
00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:20,200
Speaker 2: also you know there's probably people who are going to

459
00:22:20,241 --> 00:22:21,921
Speaker 2: listen to it who've been through what you've been through,

460
00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:25,600
Speaker 2: but I probably don't even speak up about it. But

461
00:22:25,721 --> 00:22:31,120
Speaker 2: what I want to ask you is after even even

462
00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:33,161
Speaker 2: while it's going on. What that was happening to you?

463
00:22:34,201 --> 00:22:38,521
Speaker 2: And you're not understanding why they're doing it yet you're

464
00:22:38,561 --> 00:22:40,880
Speaker 2: trying to scream out. Were you trying to scream out

465
00:22:41,281 --> 00:22:44,400
Speaker 2: for help? Or you were just screaming because they were

466
00:22:44,441 --> 00:22:44,840
Speaker 2: hurting you.

467
00:22:45,761 --> 00:22:54,481
Speaker 1: I wasn't screaming. You almost are paralyzed. You become so stoic,

468
00:22:55,041 --> 00:22:59,921
Speaker 1: you can't move, you can't breathe hardly. You feel in

469
00:22:59,961 --> 00:23:04,561
Speaker 1: a state of panic, and your body almost just switches off.

470
00:23:04,721 --> 00:23:08,801
Speaker 1: You can't do anything. You feel everything, everything you feel

471
00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:13,960
Speaker 1: with such intensity, but you can't do anything.

472
00:23:14,201 --> 00:23:20,240
Speaker 2: How the next day, as I said, I've read the story,

473
00:23:22,241 --> 00:23:24,600
Speaker 2: your mom came into your knocked on your door in

474
00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:27,481
Speaker 2: the morning, literally know what happened.

475
00:23:28,281 --> 00:23:32,120
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm sure she did. I was literally lying in

476
00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:33,680
Speaker 1: a bath of my own blood aside to describe it,

477
00:23:33,761 --> 00:23:35,561
Speaker 1: to no other way to describe it, and I could

478
00:23:35,561 --> 00:23:41,000
Speaker 1: barely move to bring the story forward. I think she knew,

479
00:23:41,321 --> 00:23:44,440
Speaker 1: you know. She got me to get a shower. I

480
00:23:44,481 --> 00:23:46,280
Speaker 1: never had showers because I had described it. I used

481
00:23:46,281 --> 00:23:48,281
Speaker 1: to have a bucket path, which is called a bucket

482
00:23:48,281 --> 00:23:49,960
Speaker 1: path because it's just a bucket. You fill it up

483
00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:53,321
Speaker 1: used a jug. I wasn't the same privileges as my brothers,

484
00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:56,441
Speaker 1: because in those days they said that the showers took

485
00:23:56,481 --> 00:24:00,281
Speaker 1: a lot of electricity, and I wasn't allowed it. That's stung.

486
00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:04,160
Speaker 1: That water on my body's stung. I was out of

487
00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:06,840
Speaker 1: it for days. I went to school. I was very

488
00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:10,481
Speaker 1: disengaged with the life. I had sort of really pulled back,

489
00:24:10,521 --> 00:24:16,001
Speaker 1: and I was very alone, crying at school, often hurdled

490
00:24:16,001 --> 00:24:18,880
Speaker 1: in a little balls sometimes in my Spanish class, told

491
00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:21,840
Speaker 1: to get out because someone nuisance. Nobody approached me to

492
00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:25,441
Speaker 1: say what's happened. I wanted desperately for someone to say, Nina,

493
00:24:25,481 --> 00:24:28,600
Speaker 1: what's going on. I wanted that. I really wanted that,

494
00:24:28,721 --> 00:24:32,080
Speaker 1: And yes, I would have spoken out because I needed help.

495
00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:35,561
Speaker 1: I was in a state of shock and I'd been

496
00:24:36,201 --> 00:24:38,920
Speaker 1: put in a situation that really no child should be

497
00:24:39,001 --> 00:24:43,041
Speaker 1: put in. But I ended up becoming pregnant from that rape.

498
00:24:43,681 --> 00:24:47,841
Speaker 1: I was touching fifteen, and my father and mother arranged

499
00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:51,600
Speaker 1: for a abortion. I remember everything about the abortion clinic.

500
00:24:52,041 --> 00:24:55,120
Speaker 1: I can describe to you, the journey. I can describe

501
00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:57,801
Speaker 1: to you the metal kind of beds they put you on.

502
00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:03,920
Speaker 1: It's very clinical, very in and out type of procedure,

503
00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:10,441
Speaker 1: very not personal. It's very desensitized. A lot of it's

504
00:25:10,481 --> 00:25:16,041
Speaker 1: like one of those production lines, literally, And I always

505
00:25:16,041 --> 00:25:19,281
Speaker 1: talk about sitting on a grass ridge after the procedure

506
00:25:19,801 --> 00:25:23,440
Speaker 1: because that's what I choose to remember from it. And

507
00:25:23,481 --> 00:25:27,441
Speaker 1: when something bad happens to you, your body retains the trauma.

508
00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:30,161
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter who you are, where you are. It's

509
00:25:30,201 --> 00:25:32,920
Speaker 1: like I work with fighters. Their body retains that blow

510
00:25:33,521 --> 00:25:36,720
Speaker 1: that they've received from the other person, their opponent. The

511
00:25:36,761 --> 00:25:41,521
Speaker 1: body doesn't forget that action or what's happened to it. Mentally,

512
00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:43,761
Speaker 1: you might let go, but your body retains it. And

513
00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:48,321
Speaker 1: my ability to let go since a child has been

514
00:25:48,761 --> 00:25:50,521
Speaker 1: because I don't know what to do with it. I

515
00:25:50,600 --> 00:25:53,841
Speaker 1: never knew what to do with any kind of trauma,

516
00:25:53,961 --> 00:25:56,840
Speaker 1: so I would just automatically let go. Somebody called Leo

517
00:25:56,961 --> 00:26:00,041
Speaker 1: McKenzie's friend told me that, you know what need I reckon?

518
00:26:00,120 --> 00:26:04,481
Speaker 1: You programmed yourself to do. That is an ex football

519
00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:07,840
Speaker 1: or ex boxer. But he said, you must have trained

520
00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:12,281
Speaker 1: yourself to just let go, and I did. I must

521
00:26:12,281 --> 00:26:13,841
Speaker 1: have done it without knowing. You know, one of those

522
00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:16,801
Speaker 1: childhood things. You know if you're skipping, you know that

523
00:26:16,801 --> 00:26:19,001
Speaker 1: you're going to bring the rope forward. It's like a programming.

524
00:26:19,041 --> 00:26:22,400
Speaker 1: I'd almost programmed myself just to let go of anything

525
00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:24,001
Speaker 1: I couldn't control because I didn't know what to do

526
00:26:24,041 --> 00:26:26,801
Speaker 1: with it was overwhelming, maybe, and I let go of

527
00:26:26,801 --> 00:26:28,521
Speaker 1: a lot of that. But what I remember is the

528
00:26:28,561 --> 00:26:31,681
Speaker 1: act of kindness from one lady who touched my hair,

529
00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:34,801
Speaker 1: because nobody touched me because I was this evil person,

530
00:26:35,801 --> 00:26:38,641
Speaker 1: and I wanted to believe that I wasn't as bad

531
00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:42,160
Speaker 1: as they told me I was. And I remember that

532
00:26:42,321 --> 00:26:45,640
Speaker 1: I thought, I'm not what they say. I'm not a witch,

533
00:26:45,961 --> 00:26:52,400
Speaker 1: I'm not horrible. I gave myself an ouse of consideration, kindness.

534
00:26:54,400 --> 00:26:57,640
Speaker 2: How did you yeah when you found out you were

535
00:26:57,681 --> 00:27:01,681
Speaker 2: pregnant fourteen years old? Okay, I'm trying to think. When

536
00:27:01,681 --> 00:27:05,281
Speaker 2: I was fourteen, I didn't know too much about the

537
00:27:05,321 --> 00:27:07,600
Speaker 2: birds and the bees. How did you confront your parents?

538
00:27:08,041 --> 00:27:10,240
Speaker 1: Well, we didn't have sex education in schools, you know,

539
00:27:10,281 --> 00:27:12,801
Speaker 1: back in the eighties. We didn't have it. Yea, we have.

540
00:27:13,360 --> 00:27:15,440
Speaker 1: We didn't have what they teach now. We didn't even

541
00:27:15,521 --> 00:27:18,241
Speaker 1: learn about periods back in those days. But I had

542
00:27:18,281 --> 00:27:21,281
Speaker 1: started my periods of thirteen. I think it was so

543
00:27:21,281 --> 00:27:23,600
Speaker 1: I knew about my periods and I knew that they'd stopped,

544
00:27:23,921 --> 00:27:26,561
Speaker 1: and I told my mom, my periods have stopped, and

545
00:27:26,561 --> 00:27:29,321
Speaker 1: that's when she said, you've spoilt yourself. You've ruined everything,

546
00:27:30,041 --> 00:27:31,921
Speaker 1: you know. And then my dad came on the scene.

547
00:27:32,001 --> 00:27:34,640
Speaker 1: He was like, you've ruined your life, You've ruined our lives.

548
00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:37,281
Speaker 1: We won't be to show our faces in public. Now,

549
00:27:37,321 --> 00:27:38,521
Speaker 1: what are we going to do to you? And that

550
00:27:38,561 --> 00:27:42,001
Speaker 1: whole led to the whole abortion. I wasn't even told

551
00:27:42,041 --> 00:27:43,681
Speaker 1: where I was going that day. I was just told,

552
00:27:43,880 --> 00:27:46,360
Speaker 1: you're not going to school, we're taking you to sort

553
00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:49,920
Speaker 1: it out. I wasn't told by the doctors that were there,

554
00:27:50,041 --> 00:27:53,281
Speaker 1: or the physicians whoever they may have been in their gowns,

555
00:27:53,640 --> 00:27:55,360
Speaker 1: this is what you're going to have done to you.

556
00:27:56,041 --> 00:27:57,880
Speaker 1: I was literally just putting one foot in front of

557
00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:01,080
Speaker 1: the other. I was barely functioning, you know. I was

558
00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:04,961
Speaker 1: literally hanging on afterwards on the way back.

559
00:28:05,201 --> 00:28:07,601
Speaker 2: What you're saying there is to me is that no

560
00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:12,481
Speaker 2: matter what your father and mother did, you were always

561
00:28:12,521 --> 00:28:15,321
Speaker 2: to blame. Even though you were raped by your father

562
00:28:15,360 --> 00:28:19,961
Speaker 2: and his friends, it's your fault. That's what I'm trying

563
00:28:19,961 --> 00:28:25,720
Speaker 2: to get my Yeah, him and his friends were the

564
00:28:25,721 --> 00:28:27,641
Speaker 2: ones who did it to you, and then you come

565
00:28:27,721 --> 00:28:30,721
Speaker 2: to say you are pregnant from that night, and it's

566
00:28:30,761 --> 00:28:34,840
Speaker 2: like your fault, that's your fault. I don't get my

567
00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:36,241
Speaker 2: head around that. That's just.

568
00:28:38,481 --> 00:28:43,681
Speaker 1: To understand it. Because the mentality of people that are narcissistic, controlling,

569
00:28:44,801 --> 00:28:47,841
Speaker 1: that don't have a heart sometimes or don't have compassion,

570
00:28:47,921 --> 00:28:50,481
Speaker 1: they think completely differently to the way I completely would

571
00:28:50,521 --> 00:28:54,681
Speaker 1: or you would. People always want to know why because

572
00:28:54,681 --> 00:28:57,521
Speaker 1: they want to understand it, they want closure. Those things

573
00:28:57,521 --> 00:29:01,441
Speaker 1: don't actually exist, they don't. You actually could rattle around

574
00:29:01,481 --> 00:29:02,161
Speaker 1: in your own.

575
00:29:04,081 --> 00:29:06,481
Speaker 2: How did you How did you look at him that

576
00:29:07,001 --> 00:29:09,881
Speaker 2: the next day or even after it, like how could

577
00:29:09,881 --> 00:29:12,561
Speaker 2: you even I don't you know what I mean? Or

578
00:29:12,601 --> 00:29:15,641
Speaker 2: did you just carry on with your life playing you're

579
00:29:15,841 --> 00:29:17,801
Speaker 2: you know? Was it in your head that you are

580
00:29:18,161 --> 00:29:20,401
Speaker 2: you were to blame? It's your fault all the time.

581
00:29:20,601 --> 00:29:23,561
Speaker 2: Is that how you were with yourself? You were the

582
00:29:23,641 --> 00:29:24,641
Speaker 2: problem child?

583
00:29:24,881 --> 00:29:28,361
Speaker 1: I was. I was this evil person. I never looked

584
00:29:28,361 --> 00:29:30,801
Speaker 1: at my dad, but I longed for them to hold me,

585
00:29:32,721 --> 00:29:33,281
Speaker 1: not the way.

586
00:29:33,161 --> 00:29:36,240
Speaker 3: He Even after that, that was the first time my

587
00:29:36,281 --> 00:29:38,161
Speaker 3: father ever touched me in my whole life that I

588
00:29:38,201 --> 00:29:43,361
Speaker 3: could remember, and obviously not in the way he should There.

589
00:29:43,241 --> 00:29:45,721
Speaker 2: Wasn't one person you could have turned around to and said,

590
00:29:45,921 --> 00:29:48,161
Speaker 2: this is what's just happened. There wasn't one person you

591
00:29:48,201 --> 00:29:48,681
Speaker 2: could trust.

592
00:29:49,041 --> 00:29:52,961
Speaker 1: Friends barely, but who Even now in twenty twenty four,

593
00:29:53,001 --> 00:29:55,281
Speaker 1: the children that come to me come to me because

594
00:29:55,321 --> 00:29:57,441
Speaker 1: I speak like this, and I'm so honest and open.

595
00:29:57,761 --> 00:30:00,681
Speaker 1: I don't hide how I feel. I don't hide the

596
00:30:00,681 --> 00:30:05,601
Speaker 1: fact that I felt misunderstood and loved and wanted that

597
00:30:05,721 --> 00:30:08,641
Speaker 1: nobody stood up for me when they should have. All

598
00:30:08,681 --> 00:30:10,601
Speaker 1: the way up to the age of forty five, I

599
00:30:10,641 --> 00:30:17,440
Speaker 1: was let down by doctors, nurses, the police, teachers, social works.

600
00:30:17,601 --> 00:30:21,601
Speaker 1: So many people missed, so many things. And my plead,

601
00:30:22,001 --> 00:30:24,681
Speaker 1: and it really is like a basic plea to everyone,

602
00:30:24,761 --> 00:30:26,241
Speaker 1: is don't let this happen to anyone.

603
00:30:26,441 --> 00:30:30,761
Speaker 2: Don't When you finished school, what were you and you're

604
00:30:30,841 --> 00:30:34,361
Speaker 2: more up to knowing what's happened to you back in it?

605
00:30:34,761 --> 00:30:36,761
Speaker 2: What was going for your mind? Then you know, when

606
00:30:36,801 --> 00:30:42,241
Speaker 2: it's when you're nearly seventeen eighteen, you've kind of realized

607
00:30:42,321 --> 00:30:46,001
Speaker 2: what's happened to you? Then what was going through Nina's mind.

608
00:30:46,641 --> 00:30:51,841
Speaker 1: I hadn't finished school. I got to fifteen after the abortion,

609
00:30:51,921 --> 00:30:53,960
Speaker 1: and my parents were desperate to get rid of me.

610
00:30:54,721 --> 00:30:58,121
Speaker 1: They talked about sending me to India to either be killed.

611
00:30:59,001 --> 00:31:01,480
Speaker 1: There are always rumors that my father has this well

612
00:31:01,641 --> 00:31:05,041
Speaker 1: in his home in India where they could throw me down.

613
00:31:05,881 --> 00:31:08,001
Speaker 1: There were rumors that they've done it to other people.

614
00:31:08,721 --> 00:31:15,241
Speaker 1: They're a very violent family, you know, just a very aggressive,

615
00:31:15,361 --> 00:31:17,801
Speaker 1: violent family that a lot of people are scared of.

616
00:31:18,201 --> 00:31:24,480
Speaker 1: And my mum and dad were constantly arguing about I

617
00:31:24,521 --> 00:31:26,720
Speaker 1: can't have an arranged marriage because I'm no longer a virgin,

618
00:31:26,801 --> 00:31:29,161
Speaker 1: and you have to, even now in twenty twenty four,

619
00:31:29,561 --> 00:31:32,761
Speaker 1: be a virgin. Otherwise a man thinks you're not good enough.

620
00:31:33,081 --> 00:31:35,561
Speaker 1: They want to be the first to have sex with

621
00:31:35,641 --> 00:31:38,720
Speaker 1: you on your wedding night on an arranged marriage. And

622
00:31:38,761 --> 00:31:42,001
Speaker 1: the arranged marriages are still happening. Forced marriages are still happening.

623
00:31:42,921 --> 00:31:47,041
Speaker 1: So you know, I wasn't a virgin, as they said.

624
00:31:47,041 --> 00:31:51,440
Speaker 1: I'd spoiled myself. I had no chance of anybody wanting me.

625
00:31:51,481 --> 00:31:54,200
Speaker 1: Plus they said I was fat and ugly, and you know,

626
00:31:54,201 --> 00:31:56,241
Speaker 1: I was a bit of a letdown because they're extremely

627
00:31:56,761 --> 00:32:02,001
Speaker 1: good looking people, very tall, and I was sure I

628
00:32:02,121 --> 00:32:06,601
Speaker 1: was traded at fifteen to one of the men that

629
00:32:06,641 --> 00:32:08,921
Speaker 1: were in that room. He came forward with a solution

630
00:32:09,201 --> 00:32:12,361
Speaker 1: to my dad. He said that I'll take her if

631
00:32:12,401 --> 00:32:15,841
Speaker 1: you pay me, and my wife will keep her as

632
00:32:15,881 --> 00:32:21,041
Speaker 1: a servant, like she works at your house. And my

633
00:32:21,201 --> 00:32:23,241
Speaker 1: dad said, how is it going to work? And he said,

634
00:32:23,241 --> 00:32:27,480
Speaker 1: my son has a girlfriend. She is white British. I

635
00:32:27,481 --> 00:32:30,401
Speaker 1: don't want the community knowing about her. We'll say it's

636
00:32:30,401 --> 00:32:32,121
Speaker 1: a love marriage between the two of them because they

637
00:32:32,121 --> 00:32:35,761
Speaker 1: are quite young, and we'll get them married and nobody

638
00:32:35,801 --> 00:32:38,721
Speaker 1: wouldn't really know anything about it. And at one point

639
00:32:38,721 --> 00:32:40,361
Speaker 1: I even thought, is this a love marriage? Because I

640
00:32:40,361 --> 00:32:43,841
Speaker 1: don't know what love was. I had no idea, but

641
00:32:43,961 --> 00:32:46,200
Speaker 1: I was placed. I was told to sit in the

642
00:32:46,241 --> 00:32:49,081
Speaker 1: front room because we have a guest room just for guests,

643
00:32:49,081 --> 00:32:51,161
Speaker 1: and then we have a room for everyone else. I

644
00:32:51,201 --> 00:32:53,401
Speaker 1: was taken into that room, which is where I was raped.

645
00:32:53,441 --> 00:32:57,881
Speaker 1: My legs are shaking. I'm extremely, extremely young. I have

646
00:32:57,921 --> 00:33:01,001
Speaker 1: one or two photos and I Neil looks so lost

647
00:33:01,121 --> 00:33:06,561
Speaker 1: and sad. I have my head down. They've placed this

648
00:33:06,921 --> 00:33:10,401
Speaker 1: veil type of thing on my head. I'm being given

649
00:33:10,521 --> 00:33:13,801
Speaker 1: money because that's part of this ceremony. They're putting sweets

650
00:33:13,801 --> 00:33:15,521
Speaker 1: in my mouth. I'm thinking, do I eat this? Do

651
00:33:15,561 --> 00:33:17,721
Speaker 1: I spit it out. My parents have never touched me,

652
00:33:17,801 --> 00:33:21,561
Speaker 1: let alone feed me anything. And I realized that I'm

653
00:33:21,561 --> 00:33:24,200
Speaker 1: going to be now given to this man who's the

654
00:33:24,241 --> 00:33:26,681
Speaker 1: same age as my father, so that he can have

655
00:33:26,881 --> 00:33:31,521
Speaker 1: me sexually whenever he wants. I'm wondering, is he going

656
00:33:31,561 --> 00:33:34,041
Speaker 1: to get other men to come and sexually abuse me

657
00:33:34,041 --> 00:33:36,081
Speaker 1: because I don't want that. I don't actually want to

658
00:33:36,161 --> 00:33:38,841
Speaker 1: leave my room because as much as I thought it

659
00:33:38,921 --> 00:33:42,641
Speaker 1: was imprisoning me, it was my place, my safe space

660
00:33:42,681 --> 00:33:43,201
Speaker 1: in my bed.

661
00:33:43,561 --> 00:33:43,681
Speaker 3: You know.

662
00:33:43,761 --> 00:33:46,841
Speaker 1: It wasn't furnished like my parents' room. They had carpet

663
00:33:46,881 --> 00:33:50,440
Speaker 1: and duvets and pillows. My rooms different shades of grays,

664
00:33:50,481 --> 00:33:52,721
Speaker 1: I describe it, but it was still in my room,

665
00:33:52,801 --> 00:33:56,361
Speaker 1: my place. Suddenly I'm being told I have to now

666
00:33:56,401 --> 00:34:00,481
Speaker 1: serve this woman who's very aggressive, to more aggressive than

667
00:34:00,481 --> 00:34:05,161
Speaker 1: my mother, and I'm scared. I'm really scared. So I've

668
00:34:05,201 --> 00:34:07,761
Speaker 1: gone up back to my room. They're all celebrating. There's

669
00:34:07,841 --> 00:34:12,401
Speaker 1: drinks being poured, and I don't know what's happening next,

670
00:34:12,481 --> 00:34:17,281
Speaker 1: and anxiety, that anxious feeling, it's started to bubble.

671
00:34:17,441 --> 00:34:17,721
Speaker 2: You know.

672
00:34:18,561 --> 00:34:21,881
Speaker 1: At sixteen seventeen, I was married the day that I

673
00:34:22,041 --> 00:34:24,641
Speaker 1: entered that house. I knew there was a different feeling

674
00:34:24,721 --> 00:34:26,161
Speaker 1: in it. You know, when you're sitting next to somebody

675
00:34:26,201 --> 00:34:27,761
Speaker 1: on a train, you don't feel like you're in the

676
00:34:27,801 --> 00:34:30,481
Speaker 1: right place. Often I've got up and gone sat somewhere

677
00:34:30,481 --> 00:34:32,601
Speaker 1: else in a different carriage because I don't know. I

678
00:34:32,641 --> 00:34:34,721
Speaker 1: just don't feel right. I couldn't get up and walk

679
00:34:34,761 --> 00:34:37,121
Speaker 1: into a different carriage. I was stuck in this house.

680
00:34:37,641 --> 00:34:40,241
Speaker 1: My room is like a little cupboard downstairs with an odor,

681
00:34:40,801 --> 00:34:43,721
Speaker 1: a small bed like a little cupboard on one side,

682
00:34:43,761 --> 00:34:47,681
Speaker 1: with outdoors just makeshift shelves. And I was told all

683
00:34:47,721 --> 00:34:51,001
Speaker 1: of my gold, that they'd taken, all of any money

684
00:34:51,001 --> 00:34:53,841
Speaker 1: that I earned. They were keeping. My father had given

685
00:34:53,881 --> 00:34:56,841
Speaker 1: them thousands and thousands of pounds back in the nineties.

686
00:34:56,881 --> 00:34:58,881
Speaker 1: That's a lot of money. Even now, it's a lot

687
00:34:58,881 --> 00:35:02,481
Speaker 1: of money. And he'd given them gold, and orangine gold

688
00:35:02,561 --> 00:35:05,681
Speaker 1: is very ornate. It's pure gold, twenty two twenty four

689
00:35:05,721 --> 00:35:08,161
Speaker 1: carrot gold. You know, it's worth a lot of money.

690
00:35:08,201 --> 00:35:12,201
Speaker 1: He had given them numerous sets, numerous chains, numerous rings,

691
00:35:12,481 --> 00:35:17,681
Speaker 1: numerous necklaces, numerous earrings. And my father was a wealthy man,

692
00:35:17,721 --> 00:35:21,241
Speaker 1: so he could do it. And I felt like I

693
00:35:21,281 --> 00:35:24,601
Speaker 1: was exchanged for this secret that they were keeping, and

694
00:35:24,641 --> 00:35:27,201
Speaker 1: everyone in the community didn't ask why she gone home

695
00:35:27,441 --> 00:35:30,361
Speaker 1: straight after the wedding ceremony. Why hasn't she come and

696
00:35:30,401 --> 00:35:32,801
Speaker 1: stayed at the party and had that fairt dance which

697
00:35:32,841 --> 00:35:35,480
Speaker 1: they do now nobody else. They did it then, even

698
00:35:35,481 --> 00:35:37,440
Speaker 1: though the girls looked terrified, they did it. They made

699
00:35:37,441 --> 00:35:40,681
Speaker 1: the girls down there. But I went into the hall

700
00:35:40,721 --> 00:35:43,921
Speaker 1: where the reception was being held. I went literally for

701
00:35:43,921 --> 00:35:45,321
Speaker 1: a couple of months, and I was taken back home

702
00:35:45,321 --> 00:35:48,881
Speaker 1: and left there. And then you're I'm pacing thinking, I

703
00:35:48,921 --> 00:35:50,961
Speaker 1: don't know what to do, do what's going to happen

704
00:35:51,041 --> 00:35:53,841
Speaker 1: because you're leaving everything you know to go to someone

705
00:35:53,841 --> 00:35:56,761
Speaker 1: else's house. And it was scary and it still is

706
00:35:56,921 --> 00:36:00,161
Speaker 1: very scary for girls. And for four years I was

707
00:36:00,161 --> 00:36:03,281
Speaker 1: sexually abused. I was raped by my father in law.

708
00:36:03,681 --> 00:36:06,881
Speaker 1: I'd barely said anything to my own spend on paper

709
00:36:06,921 --> 00:36:11,441
Speaker 1: as he was. My mother in law was exceptionally aggressive

710
00:36:11,681 --> 00:36:16,521
Speaker 1: towards me. She would humiliate me to the point where

711
00:36:18,521 --> 00:36:20,401
Speaker 1: I've said this so many times, but it hurts me

712
00:36:20,521 --> 00:36:25,321
Speaker 1: so much. She would allow me to plate a food,

713
00:36:25,441 --> 00:36:27,961
Speaker 1: a plate of food, you know, allow me to plate it,

714
00:36:28,401 --> 00:36:30,081
Speaker 1: and then she would throw it into the bin and

715
00:36:30,161 --> 00:36:32,361
Speaker 1: force my head into the bin, tell me to eat

716
00:36:32,401 --> 00:36:35,001
Speaker 1: out of that bin. And you know what, At first,

717
00:36:35,041 --> 00:36:38,641
Speaker 1: you do things like that because you're so scared, but

718
00:36:38,761 --> 00:36:40,681
Speaker 1: you just don't want to eat. You give up. I

719
00:36:40,721 --> 00:36:44,281
Speaker 1: gave up on food. I gave up, literally on living.

720
00:36:44,361 --> 00:36:47,361
Speaker 1: I was existing. When people say I'm existing, I'm not living.

721
00:36:47,361 --> 00:36:51,081
Speaker 1: I completely get it. I completely get it. I worked

722
00:36:51,081 --> 00:36:54,121
Speaker 1: at a large corporation. I had a managerial role. I

723
00:36:54,161 --> 00:36:56,921
Speaker 1: worked so hard. Again, people pleasing if I get a

724
00:36:56,921 --> 00:37:00,161
Speaker 1: better job, maybe they'll lay off me. I actually had

725
00:37:00,161 --> 00:37:03,521
Speaker 1: two jobs, not one. People at work used to feed

726
00:37:03,561 --> 00:37:10,041
Speaker 1: me biscuits, sometimes deserts because it was a subsidized restaurant

727
00:37:10,121 --> 00:37:14,161
Speaker 1: for employees. I think it was twelvepence for cake and custard.

728
00:37:14,161 --> 00:37:17,001
Speaker 1: I became addicted to cake and custard. Something comforting is

729
00:37:17,041 --> 00:37:21,001
Speaker 1: something sweet, But I didn't eat. I was very malnutritioned.

730
00:37:21,081 --> 00:37:24,921
Speaker 1: I was very almost bordering anorexia. I didn't even know that.

731
00:37:25,721 --> 00:37:30,801
Speaker 1: I just knew that suddenly I was giving up. And

732
00:37:31,401 --> 00:37:34,401
Speaker 1: he would do things like for control, he would strip

733
00:37:34,441 --> 00:37:37,961
Speaker 1: me naked and tie my ankles up with a metal coat,

734
00:37:37,961 --> 00:37:40,641
Speaker 1: hang around my ankles so the edge would dig into

735
00:37:40,641 --> 00:37:43,081
Speaker 1: my skin. If I moved, so any movement would just

736
00:37:43,161 --> 00:37:46,761
Speaker 1: rip off the flesh and he would go for hours,

737
00:37:46,801 --> 00:37:50,281
Speaker 1: and I'd sit there so scared. I wouldn't even cry

738
00:37:50,361 --> 00:37:52,361
Speaker 1: because I thought, if he seize my eyes, you'll know

739
00:37:52,441 --> 00:37:55,841
Speaker 1: I've been crying. I have to just stay here. It's

740
00:37:55,881 --> 00:37:58,361
Speaker 1: a different kind of torture to what I was used

741
00:37:58,401 --> 00:38:01,201
Speaker 1: to at home. I was used to being the servant. Yes,

742
00:38:01,281 --> 00:38:04,561
Speaker 1: I was used to being almost slave to them and

743
00:38:04,601 --> 00:38:07,761
Speaker 1: their knees, but not treated in this way. This was

744
00:38:08,281 --> 00:38:11,281
Speaker 1: quite horrific and by the age of twenty one, someone

745
00:38:11,321 --> 00:38:15,041
Speaker 1: at work that I befriended, who was also Punjabi Indian

746
00:38:15,441 --> 00:38:17,681
Speaker 1: born in England, said to me, hey, you know, me

747
00:38:17,721 --> 00:38:21,241
Speaker 1: and my boyfriend have been noticing something's wrong. And I

748
00:38:21,281 --> 00:38:24,121
Speaker 1: started telling her because I trusted her. I thought somebody

749
00:38:24,281 --> 00:38:28,001
Speaker 1: like me, a brown girl like me, And she said,

750
00:38:28,001 --> 00:38:31,321
Speaker 1: it's not normal. I've got a boyfriend who's from Africa's Nigerian.

751
00:38:31,841 --> 00:38:34,481
Speaker 1: My parents are all right, why are you putting up

752
00:38:34,481 --> 00:38:38,001
Speaker 1: with this shit? That's what she said. Go home. I

753
00:38:38,041 --> 00:38:41,241
Speaker 1: never told her what home really was like, but the

754
00:38:41,281 --> 00:38:43,441
Speaker 1: idea of go home is like the docte and me

755
00:38:44,001 --> 00:38:46,721
Speaker 1: that yellow brick road. I wanted to go back home

756
00:38:47,441 --> 00:38:50,681
Speaker 1: and be loved, because we as humans just want that

757
00:38:52,081 --> 00:38:55,121
Speaker 1: compassion and love from our parents. We want our parents

758
00:38:55,121 --> 00:38:57,201
Speaker 1: to turn around and say, I'm proud of you. We

759
00:38:57,241 --> 00:38:59,321
Speaker 1: want our parents to see us and hear us. But

760
00:38:59,961 --> 00:39:01,761
Speaker 1: it's not always the case, and it wasn't the case

761
00:39:01,801 --> 00:39:03,201
Speaker 1: when I went back at twenty one.

762
00:39:03,881 --> 00:39:07,201
Speaker 2: How did you escape that? How did you just when

763
00:39:07,281 --> 00:39:08,081
Speaker 2: was it you just went?

764
00:39:08,921 --> 00:39:09,041
Speaker 1: Did?

765
00:39:09,161 --> 00:39:11,321
Speaker 2: I don't even did you even turn around just go

766
00:39:11,361 --> 00:39:14,161
Speaker 2: that that's it, I'm not coming home? Or how did

767
00:39:14,201 --> 00:39:15,001
Speaker 2: you get away from it?

768
00:39:16,681 --> 00:39:19,281
Speaker 1: I started to hate myself. I don't know if anyone's

769
00:39:19,321 --> 00:39:21,361
Speaker 1: listening out there that has been in this position, if

770
00:39:21,441 --> 00:39:25,041
Speaker 1: you've ever hated yourself. But hate is a really strong word.

771
00:39:25,081 --> 00:39:27,561
Speaker 1: I hardly use it. I don't hate anyone, you know.

772
00:39:27,801 --> 00:39:32,041
Speaker 1: I'm actually Nina who loves everybody. The people that hate me,

773
00:39:32,281 --> 00:39:35,401
Speaker 1: that leave trolling my things, that say I'm a liar

774
00:39:35,441 --> 00:39:38,361
Speaker 1: that I'm making up for attention, I love them more

775
00:39:38,401 --> 00:39:41,161
Speaker 1: because they lack that compassion themselves to give to somebody,

776
00:39:41,521 --> 00:39:44,321
Speaker 1: so I extend my love to them. I'm that kind

777
00:39:44,361 --> 00:39:48,481
Speaker 1: of person. But I hated who I was. It was

778
00:39:48,521 --> 00:39:50,641
Speaker 1: either that or I would kill myself because I was

779
00:39:51,281 --> 00:39:53,960
Speaker 1: very close to it. I'd tried before, after the rape,

780
00:39:54,041 --> 00:39:57,201
Speaker 1: to take my own life with an overdose. It didn't work,

781
00:39:58,441 --> 00:40:01,641
Speaker 1: but I was getting back onto that mentality of wanting

782
00:40:01,681 --> 00:40:04,721
Speaker 1: to give up. And we all get to that point

783
00:40:04,761 --> 00:40:07,281
Speaker 1: in our life at some point, maybe numerous times, we

784
00:40:07,601 --> 00:40:09,281
Speaker 1: want to give up, but we have to find our

785
00:40:09,441 --> 00:40:11,961
Speaker 1: keep going in that moment. My keep going might be

786
00:40:12,081 --> 00:40:14,521
Speaker 1: my children now. Back then, I don't know what my

787
00:40:14,641 --> 00:40:16,641
Speaker 1: keep going was, but I did have faith. I believed

788
00:40:16,641 --> 00:40:20,321
Speaker 1: in God. Didn't last long because I felt almost like

789
00:40:20,401 --> 00:40:23,281
Speaker 1: that answering service was never picked up. The messages were

790
00:40:23,321 --> 00:40:26,601
Speaker 1: full his inboxes or from me, but he never picked up.

791
00:40:27,161 --> 00:40:29,041
Speaker 1: So you kind of lose faith when you have this

792
00:40:29,121 --> 00:40:33,161
Speaker 1: one sided conversation with anybody. That relationship didn't really develop.

793
00:40:34,121 --> 00:40:37,480
Speaker 1: And at twenty one, I had said, I can't take

794
00:40:37,481 --> 00:40:41,121
Speaker 1: this anymore. My voices in my head from these two

795
00:40:41,201 --> 00:40:42,881
Speaker 1: people at work where it's going to be all right,

796
00:40:42,961 --> 00:40:45,841
Speaker 1: I believe them, and I made the mistake of going

797
00:40:45,841 --> 00:40:48,161
Speaker 1: back to my mum and dad's house. I had gone

798
00:40:48,201 --> 00:40:50,721
Speaker 1: to work, got on a bus, and just returned about

799
00:40:50,761 --> 00:40:52,801
Speaker 1: my mom and dad's without telling them. I hadn't seen

800
00:40:52,841 --> 00:40:55,401
Speaker 1: them for four years. Because in my culture, often when

801
00:40:55,441 --> 00:40:57,521
Speaker 1: a girl's marriage, She's no longer part of your family.

802
00:40:57,521 --> 00:41:02,401
Speaker 1: She's somebody else's daughter, someone else's problem. I hadn't had children.

803
00:41:03,281 --> 00:41:05,801
Speaker 1: The community was starting to gossip because I hadn't had children.

804
00:41:05,801 --> 00:41:10,081
Speaker 1: They thought I was not able to have children. Normally,

805
00:41:10,161 --> 00:41:13,401
Speaker 1: after arranged marriage, you have a child straight away, but

806
00:41:13,441 --> 00:41:17,721
Speaker 1: I didn't. And there was a lot of burning brides

807
00:41:17,761 --> 00:41:19,961
Speaker 1: going on at that time in the nineties in my area,

808
00:41:20,001 --> 00:41:24,161
Speaker 1: where girls were called over from India, Pakistan, wherever the

809
00:41:24,201 --> 00:41:27,520
Speaker 1: case may be, they were providing there. They were given

810
00:41:27,561 --> 00:41:30,961
Speaker 1: birth to girls basically, and that's not what the family wanted,

811
00:41:31,001 --> 00:41:33,321
Speaker 1: so they would pour petrol over them, set them on fire.

812
00:41:33,801 --> 00:41:36,281
Speaker 1: The police would come and say what happened. They would

813
00:41:36,281 --> 00:41:39,961
Speaker 1: say it was a suicide. The girl killed herself. She

814
00:41:40,081 --> 00:41:42,841
Speaker 1: was an active suicide. They would say, comic bod with

815
00:41:42,841 --> 00:41:44,641
Speaker 1: this cultural rubbish. We're not going to deal with it

816
00:41:44,681 --> 00:41:48,721
Speaker 1: and go. I was paranoid. My turn was I had

817
00:41:48,961 --> 00:41:53,561
Speaker 1: such a paranoia and still probably do a fire. And

818
00:41:53,681 --> 00:41:56,881
Speaker 1: I could hear these screams sometimes walking home because my

819
00:41:57,401 --> 00:41:59,721
Speaker 1: new home, this marital home, was the terrace house. Of

820
00:41:59,801 --> 00:42:02,761
Speaker 1: the houses are lined up, not like my father's big

821
00:42:02,961 --> 00:42:06,281
Speaker 1: brand semi detached house. And you owned next door as well.

822
00:42:06,281 --> 00:42:10,601
Speaker 1: You know, it's a huge house. I was counting my days,

823
00:42:10,721 --> 00:42:13,281
Speaker 1: as you know. My walks to work were literally like,

824
00:42:14,041 --> 00:42:15,961
Speaker 1: am I going to be alive tomorrow? Am I going

825
00:42:16,001 --> 00:42:18,761
Speaker 1: to be around? It's such a scary place to be.

826
00:42:18,801 --> 00:42:21,601
Speaker 1: It's always like a war zone without being in one.

827
00:42:21,921 --> 00:42:24,121
Speaker 2: Wow, what did what did you do? What did your

828
00:42:24,121 --> 00:42:26,081
Speaker 2: parents do when you turned up at the doorstep? Were

829
00:42:26,121 --> 00:42:27,841
Speaker 2: they did they tell you to go back? Or were

830
00:42:27,841 --> 00:42:30,081
Speaker 2: they I know they're not going to be welcoming, but

831
00:42:30,481 --> 00:42:33,321
Speaker 2: like not see them for four years, then you turn

832
00:42:33,401 --> 00:42:36,601
Speaker 2: up with the doorstep and like it was like it

833
00:42:36,641 --> 00:42:38,961
Speaker 2: was a desperate act on your path to come back

834
00:42:39,001 --> 00:42:41,281
Speaker 2: because you didn't want to be there anymore. So you thought,

835
00:42:41,321 --> 00:42:43,921
Speaker 2: I'll go back to a place where you know, maybe

836
00:42:43,921 --> 00:42:46,081
Speaker 2: you wanted to go back to your room. I don't know,

837
00:42:46,161 --> 00:42:48,480
Speaker 2: But what was it like to go back there? And

838
00:42:48,561 --> 00:42:49,641
Speaker 2: what reaction did you get?

839
00:42:49,921 --> 00:42:51,321
Speaker 1: I did want to go back to my room. You've

840
00:42:51,361 --> 00:42:54,041
Speaker 1: got it, You're completely right. I did what my room.

841
00:42:54,121 --> 00:42:56,881
Speaker 1: I wanted that safe space. People say, why don't you

842
00:42:56,881 --> 00:42:59,641
Speaker 1: go to the police, Why didn't you run away? I

843
00:42:59,681 --> 00:43:02,041
Speaker 1: had no trust in the police because of what I'd

844
00:43:02,081 --> 00:43:04,641
Speaker 1: seen in the area, and also as when you're born

845
00:43:05,081 --> 00:43:07,281
Speaker 1: brown and you're brought up in that brown community, which

846
00:43:07,281 --> 00:43:10,641
Speaker 1: I'm going to use, you're taught the police are against you.

847
00:43:10,641 --> 00:43:14,401
Speaker 1: You know, anything that British people can do, you can

848
00:43:14,481 --> 00:43:17,321
Speaker 1: never do it. You're never going to get there. We're

849
00:43:17,361 --> 00:43:22,121
Speaker 1: almost really downtrodden by our own communities and own culture.

850
00:43:22,641 --> 00:43:25,561
Speaker 1: So we don't have a belief system that authorities are

851
00:43:25,561 --> 00:43:28,161
Speaker 1: there to protect and serve, which is the motto for

852
00:43:28,201 --> 00:43:31,521
Speaker 1: the police. Not that they do, but that's what I believed.

853
00:43:31,521 --> 00:43:33,481
Speaker 1: I didn't believe I could go to the police. There

854
00:43:33,521 --> 00:43:35,441
Speaker 1: was nobody at work saying come and live with me,

855
00:43:35,681 --> 00:43:38,601
Speaker 1: or we'll look after you. And I was a very

856
00:43:38,721 --> 00:43:41,601
Speaker 1: naive twenty one year old. I had been through so

857
00:43:41,761 --> 00:43:45,801
Speaker 1: much abuse. I was very much in a state of

858
00:43:45,841 --> 00:43:50,281
Speaker 1: distress twenty four to seven. I was fearful of everything.

859
00:43:50,441 --> 00:43:53,201
Speaker 1: Everything scared me, a loud noise, and yet I was

860
00:43:53,281 --> 00:43:56,281
Speaker 1: running this amazing job. But people don't understand you have

861
00:43:56,561 --> 00:43:59,441
Speaker 1: two pots to your brain. Almost you're a different person

862
00:43:59,481 --> 00:44:01,161
Speaker 1: at home and then you go out and you're a

863
00:44:01,161 --> 00:44:04,201
Speaker 1: completely different person. You serve that purpose. In my book,

864
00:44:04,201 --> 00:44:06,441
Speaker 1: I say you go to the bank manager, you speak differently,

865
00:44:06,721 --> 00:44:09,361
Speaker 1: You're on stage, you speak differently. On a podcast, you

866
00:44:09,401 --> 00:44:12,281
Speaker 1: probably speak differently. To your friends, you probably speak differently,

867
00:44:12,321 --> 00:44:14,801
Speaker 1: and your children, you definitely speak differently. You know, we

868
00:44:14,881 --> 00:44:17,761
Speaker 1: have this thing within us that we almost have split

869
00:44:17,801 --> 00:44:22,881
Speaker 1: personalities and without having some sort of mental condition. And

870
00:44:23,161 --> 00:44:25,801
Speaker 1: I didn't think I could do it on my own.

871
00:44:25,881 --> 00:44:28,881
Speaker 1: I had no self worth, no self belief. I was

872
00:44:29,001 --> 00:44:33,601
Speaker 1: just a young minded child. Almost. Look at that kid

873
00:44:33,641 --> 00:44:37,041
Speaker 1: in that supermarket that's lost its parents as looking for them.

874
00:44:37,041 --> 00:44:39,721
Speaker 1: That's how I felt. And when I turned up to

875
00:44:39,721 --> 00:44:42,481
Speaker 1: my parents, my father opened the door. I used to

876
00:44:42,521 --> 00:44:44,921
Speaker 1: wear these big ponytails because that's what everybody did back

877
00:44:44,961 --> 00:44:50,041
Speaker 1: in the nineties, and he dragged me in and started

878
00:44:50,041 --> 00:44:52,281
Speaker 1: to hit me. But when I say hit me, it

879
00:44:52,321 --> 00:44:57,481
Speaker 1: was a continuous punching, punching, continuously, not almost, not taking

880
00:44:57,801 --> 00:45:00,801
Speaker 1: a breath in between these punches. And as I said,

881
00:45:00,841 --> 00:45:04,201
Speaker 1: he's an ex professional wrestler. My brother that was there,

882
00:45:04,281 --> 00:45:07,041
Speaker 1: my oldest one, is six foot tall, and I was

883
00:45:07,081 --> 00:45:10,561
Speaker 1: this very frail young girl, So you don't have to

884
00:45:10,561 --> 00:45:13,801
Speaker 1: punch me too many times before something was going to break.

885
00:45:14,001 --> 00:45:16,601
Speaker 1: And it did break. You know, my brother broke my arm.

886
00:45:17,161 --> 00:45:19,761
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, my brother broke my jaw, but they both

887
00:45:19,801 --> 00:45:23,081
Speaker 1: broke my arm repeatedly. You know, it's really difficult because

888
00:45:23,081 --> 00:45:25,641
Speaker 1: I try and get the facts right. But I'm fifty four.

889
00:45:25,681 --> 00:45:28,121
Speaker 1: Nearly this happ when I was twenty one. I've done

890
00:45:28,161 --> 00:45:30,161
Speaker 1: over one hundred and fifty podcast Things are going to

891
00:45:30,241 --> 00:45:33,801
Speaker 1: sometimes not be exactly the same because it's also a

892
00:45:33,841 --> 00:45:38,721
Speaker 1: state of I'm uncomfortable and I'm upset. I've had so

893
00:45:38,761 --> 00:45:40,641
Speaker 1: many people saying, you get your storm me straight, and

894
00:45:40,681 --> 00:45:45,001
Speaker 1: I'm like, really, you're asking me this question. The fact

895
00:45:45,081 --> 00:45:48,041
Speaker 1: is I was beaten and broken and I did collapse,

896
00:45:48,401 --> 00:45:50,641
Speaker 1: you know, I fell down, and when I did, they

897
00:45:50,681 --> 00:45:53,761
Speaker 1: started to stamp on me and kick me. And that's

898
00:45:53,761 --> 00:45:57,081
Speaker 1: when I felt very lifeless. I can't describe it any

899
00:45:57,121 --> 00:46:00,281
Speaker 1: other way. My mother was watching, my sister in law

900
00:46:00,361 --> 00:46:04,201
Speaker 1: was watching, and my father put his foot on my throat,

901
00:46:04,561 --> 00:46:08,001
Speaker 1: really pressed his foot down, and I felt like I

902
00:46:08,121 --> 00:46:11,481
Speaker 1: just very gently drifted out of my body. And I

903
00:46:11,521 --> 00:46:14,121
Speaker 1: was watching myself from the outside and almost like Casper,

904
00:46:14,241 --> 00:46:16,321
Speaker 1: you know that goes. I felt like I was there

905
00:46:16,441 --> 00:46:18,841
Speaker 1: and I was watching myself, thinking, you look like a

906
00:46:18,841 --> 00:46:23,401
Speaker 1: little rag doll, just broken, and something around me were

907
00:46:23,401 --> 00:46:26,201
Speaker 1: saying not yet. It could have been my own voice,

908
00:46:26,561 --> 00:46:28,681
Speaker 1: but whoever it was or whatever it was, was saying

909
00:46:28,721 --> 00:46:31,401
Speaker 1: not yet, it's not your time. And I remember going

910
00:46:31,441 --> 00:46:34,241
Speaker 1: back in that body like a swash, and I remember

911
00:46:34,521 --> 00:46:37,440
Speaker 1: not really feeling anything. I was numb, but I knew

912
00:46:37,441 --> 00:46:40,761
Speaker 1: what they were doing. I could hear their comments. You

913
00:46:40,801 --> 00:46:42,921
Speaker 1: know that you're in the gutter now. We won't be

914
00:46:42,921 --> 00:46:44,801
Speaker 1: able to go out again. You've brought so much shame

915
00:46:44,881 --> 00:46:48,201
Speaker 1: upon your family. You never considered us, You never considered

916
00:46:48,241 --> 00:46:50,521
Speaker 1: all the hard work we've put into raising you. You know,

917
00:46:50,561 --> 00:46:53,881
Speaker 1: it was all of this guilt tripping and being called

918
00:46:53,921 --> 00:46:59,841
Speaker 1: a prostitute, being called somebody who's uncontrollable with her emotions,

919
00:46:59,841 --> 00:47:02,761
Speaker 1: that I cry everything, and I didn't cry. This is

920
00:47:02,801 --> 00:47:04,961
Speaker 1: the worst thing. I never used to cry because I

921
00:47:05,281 --> 00:47:08,121
Speaker 1: was told you're a weak person if you cry. You know,

922
00:47:08,161 --> 00:47:09,721
Speaker 1: all of last year or he did was see me

923
00:47:09,761 --> 00:47:13,601
Speaker 1: cry on podcasts, because it's a normal thing to cry.

924
00:47:13,921 --> 00:47:16,321
Speaker 1: When you sit in your feelings, you get upset, and

925
00:47:16,361 --> 00:47:19,721
Speaker 1: that's okay. You acknowledge them. It's the only way to heal.

926
00:47:20,361 --> 00:47:24,761
Speaker 1: You acknowledged things. And that led to them trying to

927
00:47:24,841 --> 00:47:28,601
Speaker 1: kill me. It was almost like a predecided thing between

928
00:47:28,601 --> 00:47:30,601
Speaker 1: the whole family that they were going to kill me

929
00:47:30,641 --> 00:47:33,440
Speaker 1: there and then, but my other brother walked in because

930
00:47:33,441 --> 00:47:35,721
Speaker 1: he was at university, walked in and said to them,

931
00:47:35,721 --> 00:47:38,201
Speaker 1: we'll take it to India and here's too risky, and

932
00:47:38,241 --> 00:47:40,561
Speaker 1: they were just left. I know my father was exhorted

933
00:47:40,561 --> 00:47:44,361
Speaker 1: from his labored breathing. He was tired. He'd literally taken

934
00:47:44,361 --> 00:47:46,921
Speaker 1: all of that anger out of me. And I lay

935
00:47:46,921 --> 00:47:50,960
Speaker 1: there neil with a bone almost coming up my skin.

936
00:47:51,041 --> 00:47:54,961
Speaker 1: It would obviously broken internally, but had broken through the skin.

937
00:47:55,601 --> 00:47:58,841
Speaker 1: I remember not feeling my shoulder. It was just almost

938
00:47:58,881 --> 00:48:03,201
Speaker 1: like dragging. I couldn't move off the floor again, and

939
00:48:03,281 --> 00:48:05,361
Speaker 1: another bath of my own blood. The car it was

940
00:48:05,401 --> 00:48:08,041
Speaker 1: sodden this time with my blood. I looked like something

941
00:48:08,081 --> 00:48:10,361
Speaker 1: out of a horror film. And I lay there for days,

942
00:48:10,601 --> 00:48:14,281
Speaker 1: days and days until someone opened the door and said,

943
00:48:14,481 --> 00:48:16,961
Speaker 1: they're taking you to India. And there was such a

944
00:48:18,641 --> 00:48:21,081
Speaker 1: sharpness in her voice. There was such an intensity with

945
00:48:21,121 --> 00:48:24,881
Speaker 1: this message that I literally was like shocked by it.

946
00:48:24,961 --> 00:48:26,681
Speaker 1: You know, they're taking you to India. Up on Sunday,

947
00:48:26,721 --> 00:48:29,681
Speaker 1: they're going to kill you. Ask for help from security.

948
00:48:30,161 --> 00:48:32,000
Speaker 1: I recognized the voice. It was one of my mom's

949
00:48:32,081 --> 00:48:34,881
Speaker 1: dearest friends that knew me from a young girl and

950
00:48:34,921 --> 00:48:38,841
Speaker 1: probably thought she couldn't live with herself knowing what was happening.

951
00:48:39,401 --> 00:48:41,441
Speaker 1: But I also knew when she came around, they'd be

952
00:48:41,481 --> 00:48:44,161
Speaker 1: busy for hours. They'd watch a film, and our Indian

953
00:48:44,201 --> 00:48:46,441
Speaker 1: films last for three or four hours, you know, with

954
00:48:46,561 --> 00:48:48,601
Speaker 1: the interval, so I knew they'd be sitting there sipping

955
00:48:48,681 --> 00:48:50,721
Speaker 1: tea and they wouldn't have time to check on me.

956
00:48:51,761 --> 00:48:53,561
Speaker 1: And we always get to a point in our lives

957
00:48:53,601 --> 00:48:56,281
Speaker 1: where it's do or die, you know, it's like my

958
00:48:56,481 --> 00:48:58,561
Speaker 1: fight as they live on that floor and they're either

959
00:48:58,561 --> 00:49:01,721
Speaker 1: going to get up. Their bones are broken, their spirit's broken,

960
00:49:01,761 --> 00:49:03,841
Speaker 1: but it's their mind that's going to get them up.

961
00:49:04,401 --> 00:49:07,201
Speaker 1: It's what they're telling themselves. And from a young age,

962
00:49:07,241 --> 00:49:10,081
Speaker 1: not having a friend, not having a best friend, I

963
00:49:10,121 --> 00:49:12,201
Speaker 1: would say fear was my best friend. But I would

964
00:49:12,241 --> 00:49:15,001
Speaker 1: talk to myself. I still do it. I sometimes say

965
00:49:15,001 --> 00:49:16,521
Speaker 1: to people, did I tell you? I'll told you about that?

966
00:49:17,001 --> 00:49:18,681
Speaker 1: You don't talk to us? And I think I must

967
00:49:18,681 --> 00:49:19,841
Speaker 1: have been talking to myself again, you know. I have

968
00:49:19,921 --> 00:49:23,041
Speaker 1: these conversations. Whether it's a form of madness, I don't know,

969
00:49:23,081 --> 00:49:25,841
Speaker 1: but it's just what I do. I have these conversations

970
00:49:25,921 --> 00:49:28,081
Speaker 1: and I was saying to myself, what you're going to do.

971
00:49:28,721 --> 00:49:30,881
Speaker 1: Are you just going to give up because it's easy,

972
00:49:31,081 --> 00:49:33,241
Speaker 1: because you've had enough of this life. This life's not

973
00:49:33,281 --> 00:49:36,001
Speaker 1: been good. But part of me didn't want to give up.

974
00:49:36,081 --> 00:49:37,641
Speaker 1: And I was saying, look, get up. If you can

975
00:49:37,681 --> 00:49:39,681
Speaker 1: get from here to the door, if you can get

976
00:49:39,721 --> 00:49:41,761
Speaker 1: from the door to the kitchen, the kitchen to the outside,

977
00:49:41,801 --> 00:49:44,361
Speaker 1: you made it. You're out of here. Where am I going?

978
00:49:44,481 --> 00:49:46,081
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter. We'll work it out. That's all I

979
00:49:46,161 --> 00:49:50,681
Speaker 1: kept saying, you'll work it out. I literally had a

980
00:49:50,721 --> 00:49:54,361
Speaker 1: time bomb ticking away, and I did. I got all

981
00:49:54,361 --> 00:49:56,361
Speaker 1: the way to the kitchen. I was so scared when

982
00:49:56,361 --> 00:49:57,921
Speaker 1: I got to the kitchen because where they were sitting

983
00:49:58,081 --> 00:50:01,201
Speaker 1: was only literally two, you know, a couple of feet away.

984
00:50:03,001 --> 00:50:05,440
Speaker 1: The volume was really loud. Luckily for me, my father

985
00:50:05,521 --> 00:50:08,481
Speaker 1: had an obsession with locks as well, like my ex partner.

986
00:50:08,841 --> 00:50:11,841
Speaker 1: So I locked myself in the kitchen and then I

987
00:50:11,881 --> 00:50:14,281
Speaker 1: got to the outside door to the back garden. We

988
00:50:14,321 --> 00:50:16,801
Speaker 1: had this huge fence, and that's when my dog came

989
00:50:16,841 --> 00:50:18,201
Speaker 1: and sat next to me and just looked at me,

990
00:50:18,241 --> 00:50:20,921
Speaker 1: and I thought, she's going to stop barking. This is it?

991
00:50:21,521 --> 00:50:24,681
Speaker 1: Game over? I can't do this. I'm already so weak.

992
00:50:25,001 --> 00:50:27,281
Speaker 1: You know, you start telling yourself you can't, I can't,

993
00:50:27,401 --> 00:50:30,801
Speaker 1: I can't, I can't, and you are literally telling yourself

994
00:50:30,881 --> 00:50:33,641
Speaker 1: the truth in that moment. You know, the answer is

995
00:50:33,641 --> 00:50:36,041
Speaker 1: always yes. If you say I can't, yeah, that's the truth.

996
00:50:36,081 --> 00:50:38,881
Speaker 1: If you say I can, yeah, that's the truth. And

997
00:50:38,961 --> 00:50:41,521
Speaker 1: I got to a point where she looked at me

998
00:50:41,561 --> 00:50:44,281
Speaker 1: and she didn't bark, which was very unusual for her.

999
00:50:44,841 --> 00:50:46,321
Speaker 1: I don't know if you've had a dog, but they

1000
00:50:46,361 --> 00:50:49,681
Speaker 1: bark at blytty everything in a postman, somebody walking past

1001
00:50:49,681 --> 00:50:54,401
Speaker 1: the cat. They just don't stop. And she looked at me,

1002
00:50:54,801 --> 00:50:57,441
Speaker 1: really kind of looked at me. She was my little

1003
00:50:57,441 --> 00:50:59,361
Speaker 1: cuddly bear that I didn't have. I didn't have a tendy,

1004
00:50:59,401 --> 00:51:01,401
Speaker 1: but I had her. You know, on a cold night,

1005
00:51:01,441 --> 00:51:04,001
Speaker 1: she would sit on my bed sometimes and push a

1006
00:51:04,041 --> 00:51:06,801
Speaker 1: button back into me keep me warm because I didn't

1007
00:51:06,801 --> 00:51:11,841
Speaker 1: have to do. And I touched her wet nose and

1008
00:51:11,881 --> 00:51:15,081
Speaker 1: I said to her, please don't. But she looked at

1009
00:51:15,081 --> 00:51:16,681
Speaker 1: me and she looked up, and she looked at me

1010
00:51:16,721 --> 00:51:20,441
Speaker 1: and she looked up, and I thought, that's the sign.

1011
00:51:20,801 --> 00:51:22,881
Speaker 1: That's what I need. I needed her to say I.

1012
00:51:22,801 --> 00:51:23,201
Speaker 2: Can do that.

1013
00:51:23,281 --> 00:51:25,241
Speaker 1: I can do this. I started doing this. I can

1014
00:51:25,241 --> 00:51:26,361
Speaker 1: do this, I can do this. I can do this

1015
00:51:26,361 --> 00:51:28,481
Speaker 1: in my head, and before I knew it, I was

1016
00:51:28,521 --> 00:51:31,041
Speaker 1: asleep in a park across the road. They didn't find me.

1017
00:51:31,761 --> 00:51:34,281
Speaker 1: It was early hours of the morning. I loved the

1018
00:51:34,321 --> 00:51:36,561
Speaker 1: sound affairs first thing in the morning because it reminds

1019
00:51:36,601 --> 00:51:39,161
Speaker 1: me of life. It reminds me that I had that

1020
00:51:39,841 --> 00:51:43,361
Speaker 1: ability to live again in my head. That's what I heard, Neil,

1021
00:51:43,401 --> 00:51:46,481
Speaker 1: That's what woke me up. I went to a taxi

1022
00:51:47,161 --> 00:51:50,961
Speaker 1: rank and white British guy, lovely person, put me in

1023
00:51:50,961 --> 00:51:53,201
Speaker 1: the back of the seat, covered me with a blanket.

1024
00:51:53,721 --> 00:51:55,521
Speaker 1: I looked like something of a horror film. But he

1025
00:51:55,601 --> 00:51:58,881
Speaker 1: wasn't scared. He wasn't at someone else's problem. He was

1026
00:51:59,281 --> 00:52:01,041
Speaker 1: Where can I take you? How can I help you?

1027
00:52:01,161 --> 00:52:04,081
Speaker 1: You need the hospital? You know, we don't ask questions

1028
00:52:04,081 --> 00:52:07,241
Speaker 1: when we've fronted with a difficult situation. A lot of

1029
00:52:07,241 --> 00:52:09,641
Speaker 1: people now will look away when there's a child that

1030
00:52:09,761 --> 00:52:12,841
Speaker 1: may or may not be being abused by a parent,

1031
00:52:12,881 --> 00:52:15,001
Speaker 1: and might not even be their parent in the supermarket.

1032
00:52:15,201 --> 00:52:17,440
Speaker 1: We assume it is because we don't ask questions because

1033
00:52:17,441 --> 00:52:20,961
Speaker 1: it's uncomfortable. If we asked that question to save that

1034
00:52:21,081 --> 00:52:23,841
Speaker 1: kid's life. There's so much trafficking that goes on, but

1035
00:52:23,921 --> 00:52:27,201
Speaker 1: we turn a blind eye. He didn't do that, and

1036
00:52:27,241 --> 00:52:29,081
Speaker 1: I believe in angels. I believe he was one of

1037
00:52:29,081 --> 00:52:31,241
Speaker 1: those people that were supposed to be in my life

1038
00:52:31,241 --> 00:52:35,241
Speaker 1: to give me that strength, that message I got you

1039
00:52:35,361 --> 00:52:38,641
Speaker 1: right now. Being a male figure helped. I needed that.

1040
00:52:39,161 --> 00:52:42,161
Speaker 1: Women need that, we need that person saying I'm here

1041
00:52:42,201 --> 00:52:45,440
Speaker 1: for you. He took me to my friends because that's

1042
00:52:45,441 --> 00:52:48,201
Speaker 1: where I wanted to go. I knew they'd moved in.

1043
00:52:48,361 --> 00:52:50,281
Speaker 1: I knew where they'd moved in because I'd been there

1044
00:52:50,321 --> 00:52:52,961
Speaker 1: myself to help them look at the place, you know.

1045
00:52:53,041 --> 00:52:58,241
Speaker 1: I'd a car so i'd help them. And it was

1046
00:52:58,281 --> 00:53:01,161
Speaker 1: too early. Nobooger was awake at five o'clock in the

1047
00:53:01,161 --> 00:53:04,161
Speaker 1: morning or six months. So I ended up at a

1048
00:53:04,201 --> 00:53:06,960
Speaker 1: police station in Market Harboro, which is a very well

1049
00:53:07,001 --> 00:53:09,241
Speaker 1: to do one of the best places to live apparently

1050
00:53:09,281 --> 00:53:13,721
Speaker 1: according to Google in England. And it's a beautiful, sleepy town,

1051
00:53:14,001 --> 00:53:17,961
Speaker 1: predominantly white British. And there was one Indian family who

1052
00:53:17,921 --> 00:53:20,041
Speaker 1: owned a newsagent. That's where they were living on top

1053
00:53:20,041 --> 00:53:24,121
Speaker 1: of their shop. I went into the shop. The lady

1054
00:53:24,201 --> 00:53:26,601
Speaker 1: said she was sorting out our newspapers, putting the magazines

1055
00:53:26,601 --> 00:53:28,961
Speaker 1: and the newspapers always remember, And she said, what do

1056
00:53:29,041 --> 00:53:30,841
Speaker 1: you need? You need money for the taxi. She could

1057
00:53:30,841 --> 00:53:33,681
Speaker 1: see the state of me. She actually gave me some

1058
00:53:33,721 --> 00:53:35,521
Speaker 1: money for the taxi. I've never told anyone that, but

1059
00:53:35,601 --> 00:53:37,881
Speaker 1: she did. And the taxi driver took me. I don't

1060
00:53:37,881 --> 00:53:39,440
Speaker 1: think he needed money. I don't think he was there

1061
00:53:39,441 --> 00:53:41,441
Speaker 1: for the money. He wanted to help me, but she

1062
00:53:41,521 --> 00:53:43,521
Speaker 1: paid him something and she took me over to the

1063
00:53:43,561 --> 00:53:46,161
Speaker 1: police station. My body just clapped, it gave up. I

1064
00:53:46,201 --> 00:53:48,801
Speaker 1: think I was running on this energy that kind of

1065
00:53:48,921 --> 00:53:51,001
Speaker 1: was just getting me from A to B. But I couldn't.

1066
00:53:51,241 --> 00:53:54,441
Speaker 1: I could barely stand. I was allowing the injuries in

1067
00:53:54,521 --> 00:53:59,121
Speaker 1: my body to take their part. And the police officer

1068
00:53:59,241 --> 00:54:02,481
Speaker 1: was shocked at the state of me. He could tell

1069
00:54:02,601 --> 00:54:04,881
Speaker 1: my jaw was broken, he could tell my arm was broken.

1070
00:54:05,601 --> 00:54:08,641
Speaker 1: You could see it that this girl's been through something horrific.

1071
00:54:10,001 --> 00:54:12,761
Speaker 1: And he started to take photos, started to fill in

1072
00:54:12,801 --> 00:54:16,121
Speaker 1: his pad, you know, name, address, don't know which addresser

1073
00:54:16,161 --> 00:54:21,241
Speaker 1: gave game my parents' address, and suddenly he said, what's happened,

1074
00:54:21,721 --> 00:54:24,041
Speaker 1: Tell me what's happened. And the first thing came out

1075
00:54:24,081 --> 00:54:27,881
Speaker 1: of my mouth was an attempted honor killing. They tried

1076
00:54:27,881 --> 00:54:30,481
Speaker 1: to kill me because of honor, because in my culture

1077
00:54:30,521 --> 00:54:33,361
Speaker 1: that's what it is. Your parents will try to kill.

1078
00:54:33,481 --> 00:54:36,801
Speaker 1: The word is isath and it means respect. So nobody

1079
00:54:36,841 --> 00:54:39,001
Speaker 1: would respect my father. Because I'd left a force to

1080
00:54:39,041 --> 00:54:42,361
Speaker 1: arrange marriage, hadn't had children, people were talking about me.

1081
00:54:42,521 --> 00:54:45,681
Speaker 1: I was seen as this bad, evil spirit and he

1082
00:54:45,761 --> 00:54:49,841
Speaker 1: cannot retain the honor. I should have said an attempted murder.

1083
00:54:50,681 --> 00:54:54,201
Speaker 1: And now I'm teaching young women and boys too. If

1084
00:54:54,241 --> 00:54:57,841
Speaker 1: this happens, you say attempted murder. I'm working with twelve

1085
00:54:57,881 --> 00:55:02,161
Speaker 1: odd lawyers in London to reframe the wording in laws

1086
00:55:02,201 --> 00:55:04,201
Speaker 1: because I can't change the law, but I can reframe

1087
00:55:04,241 --> 00:55:08,041
Speaker 1: the wording so that when they get caught, considerations are

1088
00:55:08,121 --> 00:55:12,241
Speaker 1: not given for cultural reasons. It's an attempted murder or

1089
00:55:12,241 --> 00:55:15,241
Speaker 1: a murder, and that there's no question, because I wouldn't

1090
00:55:15,241 --> 00:55:20,521
Speaker 1: be sitting in this space that I am now without

1091
00:55:20,681 --> 00:55:23,480
Speaker 1: justice if that was the case. And if I can't

1092
00:55:23,481 --> 00:55:26,761
Speaker 1: get it, I want it for everyone else. And when

1093
00:55:26,761 --> 00:55:29,561
Speaker 1: I said attempted on a killing, I think I just

1094
00:55:29,561 --> 00:55:32,681
Speaker 1: said on a killing. If I'm being honest, he was Oh,

1095
00:55:32,961 --> 00:55:36,241
Speaker 1: God's say, threw down the thing and was like, oh,

1096
00:55:36,401 --> 00:55:39,321
Speaker 1: let's get you an ambulance. His name was PCP. I

1097
00:55:39,401 --> 00:55:41,441
Speaker 1: remember because he was like some sort of cartoon out

1098
00:55:41,481 --> 00:55:45,241
Speaker 1: of a character that some sort of children's program, you know,

1099
00:55:45,361 --> 00:55:48,721
Speaker 1: jolly kind of policeman that you imagine. I ended up

1100
00:55:48,721 --> 00:55:53,601
Speaker 1: in a hospital at Cattering in Northamptonshire. I lay there

1101
00:55:53,601 --> 00:55:56,401
Speaker 1: on the bed. Somebody described something recently where he lay

1102
00:55:56,401 --> 00:55:58,201
Speaker 1: in the bed and looked up at the ceiling. Now

1103
00:55:58,241 --> 00:56:02,081
Speaker 1: I was watching people. I was learning about families. I

1104
00:56:02,121 --> 00:56:04,281
Speaker 1: was learning that that person over there is going to

1105
00:56:04,281 --> 00:56:06,241
Speaker 1: have his wife come here. She's going to bring him

1106
00:56:06,281 --> 00:56:08,521
Speaker 1: lucas aid. She always brings him lucas ad in a

1107
00:56:08,561 --> 00:56:12,201
Speaker 1: magazine or a newspaper. Her over there, her husband brings

1108
00:56:12,201 --> 00:56:14,561
Speaker 1: her flowers, always different colors. I bet she's going to

1109
00:56:14,601 --> 00:56:16,641
Speaker 1: get Ros's toteay, because he hasn't brought them for a while.

1110
00:56:16,841 --> 00:56:18,881
Speaker 1: The kid at the end, I was watching him. His

1111
00:56:18,921 --> 00:56:22,081
Speaker 1: parents would come and touch his hair, love him, cuddle

1112
00:56:22,121 --> 00:56:26,161
Speaker 1: him comics. I knew nobody was coming for me, and

1113
00:56:26,161 --> 00:56:29,201
Speaker 1: that was sad, but I didn't feel I deserved it.

1114
00:56:30,081 --> 00:56:32,161
Speaker 1: Nobody was going to love me. Why why would they?

1115
00:56:32,201 --> 00:56:34,241
Speaker 1: No one had loved me up to this point. Why

1116
00:56:34,321 --> 00:56:37,041
Speaker 1: was anyone going to care? Now? The policeman didn't care,

1117
00:56:37,921 --> 00:56:41,041
Speaker 1: so why would anybody come. My friends didn't know where

1118
00:56:41,041 --> 00:56:45,121
Speaker 1: I was. We didn't have mobile phones then, So I

1119
00:56:45,161 --> 00:56:51,161
Speaker 1: spent three months nearly four in the hospital watching and

1120
00:56:51,241 --> 00:56:55,201
Speaker 1: you know what, it was such a lonely existence, but

1121
00:56:55,361 --> 00:56:59,161
Speaker 1: such a real affirmation that I didn't matter because no

1122
00:56:59,241 --> 00:57:02,561
Speaker 1: one came. When the doctors would come, they would look

1123
00:57:02,601 --> 00:57:04,401
Speaker 1: at my file with the yellow post it note and

1124
00:57:04,401 --> 00:57:06,841
Speaker 1: they would throw it down, just like the policemen had.

1125
00:57:07,761 --> 00:57:12,161
Speaker 1: I was just not anything to anyone. And when I left,

1126
00:57:12,201 --> 00:57:17,041
Speaker 1: they put me into a hostel for women that have

1127
00:57:17,281 --> 00:57:20,841
Speaker 1: suffered from something I didn't understand about drugs. I didn't

1128
00:57:20,881 --> 00:57:25,001
Speaker 1: understand about alcohol. These women were dependent on alcohol abuse

1129
00:57:25,081 --> 00:57:29,041
Speaker 1: and drug substances to number their own pain. The beds

1130
00:57:29,041 --> 00:57:31,161
Speaker 1: were lined up like this. We had a white box

1131
00:57:31,241 --> 00:57:35,041
Speaker 1: under each bed which we put up things. The showers

1132
00:57:35,041 --> 00:57:38,441
Speaker 1: were like school showers. Everybody walked in, walked out, no privacy.

1133
00:57:38,841 --> 00:57:40,321
Speaker 1: There was a toilet at the end of that. I

1134
00:57:40,321 --> 00:57:43,841
Speaker 1: remember everything. I remember how dirty everything was because I

1135
00:57:43,881 --> 00:57:46,481
Speaker 1: was always taught to keep everything really clean as one

1136
00:57:46,481 --> 00:57:51,121
Speaker 1: of the conditions, and I didn't like it. I don't

1137
00:57:51,121 --> 00:57:54,321
Speaker 1: want to be there. I wanted to go home again.

1138
00:57:54,561 --> 00:57:57,601
Speaker 1: It's weird, but you have this thing that you want

1139
00:57:57,641 --> 00:58:00,761
Speaker 1: to go somewhere that you belong and I realized I

1140
00:58:00,801 --> 00:58:03,001
Speaker 1: didn't belong anywhere. I knew I couldn't go back home.

1141
00:58:03,521 --> 00:58:05,441
Speaker 1: I was no longer part of the community because when

1142
00:58:05,481 --> 00:58:08,121
Speaker 1: you leave, they cut you off, literally cut you off.

1143
00:58:09,081 --> 00:58:11,041
Speaker 1: If they find you, they will cut your head off

1144
00:58:11,361 --> 00:58:13,721
Speaker 1: to retain the honor. It's the highest form of an

1145
00:58:13,721 --> 00:58:17,041
Speaker 1: honor killing. The amounts of pictures I was getting from

1146
00:58:17,041 --> 00:58:19,281
Speaker 1: the Middle East once I started speaking out on LinkedIn

1147
00:58:19,921 --> 00:58:24,401
Speaker 1: with my head decapitated and somebody holding it were incredible.

1148
00:58:25,001 --> 00:58:27,081
Speaker 1: You know, the photoshopping that they spent that time, but

1149
00:58:27,121 --> 00:58:30,561
Speaker 1: it's disturbing, and LinkedIn then put a filter on account

1150
00:58:30,601 --> 00:58:32,841
Speaker 1: so they can't send these pictures to me. But that's

1151
00:58:32,881 --> 00:58:35,281
Speaker 1: what they want to do. They want to silence you

1152
00:58:35,321 --> 00:58:39,641
Speaker 1: because you're speaking out. So I was scared. I was

1153
00:58:39,681 --> 00:58:41,481
Speaker 1: scared of where I was. I was scared of the noise.

1154
00:58:41,481 --> 00:58:42,721
Speaker 1: I was scared of what they were doing. They used

1155
00:58:42,721 --> 00:58:44,121
Speaker 1: to fight in the middle of the night. These women.

1156
00:58:44,521 --> 00:58:47,361
Speaker 1: I've never seen women fight before. They weren't quite and

1157
00:58:47,441 --> 00:58:51,961
Speaker 1: meek like me. I ended up at my friend's house.

1158
00:58:52,481 --> 00:58:54,841
Speaker 1: I left. The warden gave me some money, and I

1159
00:58:54,881 --> 00:58:56,521
Speaker 1: ended up at my friend's house. My arm's still in

1160
00:58:56,561 --> 00:59:03,081
Speaker 1: a sling, but she's not there. He's there. I was

1161
00:59:03,081 --> 00:59:06,201
Speaker 1: twenty one, and I said, look, I've got nowhere to go.

1162
00:59:07,161 --> 00:59:08,481
Speaker 1: And he went, oh, my god, look at the state

1163
00:59:08,521 --> 00:59:11,481
Speaker 1: of you still got bruises. Because these bruises they start

1164
00:59:11,521 --> 00:59:13,841
Speaker 1: to go, but they turn like a yellowish, horrible color,

1165
00:59:13,881 --> 00:59:17,401
Speaker 1: and even on my skin you can see it takes time.

1166
00:59:18,841 --> 00:59:23,361
Speaker 1: I was visibly not okay. It's been months since you've

1167
00:59:23,401 --> 00:59:26,201
Speaker 1: seen me. Months. They didn't know where I was, they

1168
00:59:26,201 --> 00:59:28,921
Speaker 1: didn't know who I was talking to. But his girlfriend,

1169
00:59:29,001 --> 00:59:32,841
Speaker 1: who was like me, had left because her parents were

1170
00:59:32,881 --> 00:59:35,641
Speaker 1: okay with them dating. They weren't okay with them cohabiting.

1171
00:59:36,441 --> 00:59:39,241
Speaker 1: Because she wanted to move in with him. That wasn't okay,

1172
00:59:40,001 --> 00:59:43,601
Speaker 1: so she ended up going back to them because of

1173
00:59:43,641 --> 00:59:46,361
Speaker 1: the guilt they put upon you. Because that's really what

1174
00:59:46,441 --> 00:59:49,281
Speaker 1: South Asian parents are great at, putting that guilt upon you,

1175
00:59:49,761 --> 00:59:51,361
Speaker 1: and you feel like you have to do what makes

1176
00:59:51,401 --> 00:59:53,561
Speaker 1: them happy, because if you don't do that, you're not

1177
00:59:53,601 --> 00:59:56,601
Speaker 1: a good daughter, you're not a good son, you're you know,

1178
00:59:56,681 --> 01:00:00,201
Speaker 1: letting them down. And it's that pressure from everyone else

1179
01:00:00,241 --> 01:00:02,921
Speaker 1: apart from what you want, because you can't choose what

1180
01:00:02,961 --> 01:00:05,921
Speaker 1: you want because you're you're selfish. You're guilty of this

1181
01:00:06,041 --> 01:00:09,921
Speaker 1: being this person that's so horrible to your parents. So

1182
01:00:09,961 --> 01:00:12,521
Speaker 1: she went back and he said, you know what, I've

1183
01:00:12,521 --> 01:00:14,241
Speaker 1: got a spare room. You can rent it from me.

1184
01:00:14,241 --> 01:00:15,801
Speaker 1: And I said, but I can't work yet. He said,

1185
01:00:15,801 --> 01:00:18,001
Speaker 1: when you can, you can own me. I didn't know

1186
01:00:18,001 --> 01:00:20,201
Speaker 1: what rent he was paying, but I was giving him

1187
01:00:20,241 --> 01:00:23,921
Speaker 1: literally all my wages. Why would I do that because

1188
01:00:23,961 --> 01:00:26,441
Speaker 1: that's what I did before, when I was in this

1189
01:00:26,881 --> 01:00:31,001
Speaker 1: forced arranged marriage. That's what I did. I didn't have

1190
01:00:31,041 --> 01:00:35,121
Speaker 1: the mentality someone telling me. Nina ask him, look at

1191
01:00:35,161 --> 01:00:39,281
Speaker 1: the least that he's signed, look at the rental agreement. No,

1192
01:00:39,441 --> 01:00:41,641
Speaker 1: no one's going to advise me that I've got a

1193
01:00:41,681 --> 01:00:43,481
Speaker 1: really good job by now, because I'm one of those

1194
01:00:43,481 --> 01:00:47,401
Speaker 1: people that works hard. Always worked hard, because I had to,

1195
01:00:47,641 --> 01:00:50,241
Speaker 1: even as a child, was working hard in that kitchen

1196
01:00:50,241 --> 01:00:52,961
Speaker 1: to make sure each meal was perfect, and the quicker

1197
01:00:53,001 --> 01:00:55,041
Speaker 1: I did it, the happier they were. So if you

1198
01:00:55,041 --> 01:00:56,801
Speaker 1: ever came around, I could do like a four horse

1199
01:00:56,841 --> 01:00:59,041
Speaker 1: meal in the about fifteen minutes and you have you

1200
01:00:59,121 --> 01:01:01,761
Speaker 1: just done that? That's what I've learned.

1201
01:01:02,481 --> 01:01:05,161
Speaker 2: Have you ever thought about is it ever crossed? Or

1202
01:01:05,241 --> 01:01:09,441
Speaker 2: mind that? You know what? How how can I put

1203
01:01:09,481 --> 01:01:13,321
Speaker 2: it that you want to do something to the people

1204
01:01:13,321 --> 01:01:14,041
Speaker 2: that have hurt you.

1205
01:01:15,041 --> 01:01:20,601
Speaker 1: I sit on two authorities in Scotland Yard advisory boards.

1206
01:01:20,641 --> 01:01:23,441
Speaker 1: I'm on two advisory boards to Scotland Yard. I am

1207
01:01:23,601 --> 01:01:27,881
Speaker 1: on the advisory board for the Home Office when it

1208
01:01:27,881 --> 01:01:32,281
Speaker 1: comes to forced marriage unit. I know a lot about

1209
01:01:32,401 --> 01:01:35,441
Speaker 1: the Crown Prosecution Service and I've been told the only

1210
01:01:35,441 --> 01:01:38,401
Speaker 1: thing I can charge anybody for in my whole life

1211
01:01:38,921 --> 01:01:41,241
Speaker 1: is when my pillow set fire. My pillow was set

1212
01:01:41,281 --> 01:01:44,681
Speaker 1: fire as I was sleeping by my ex partner, which

1213
01:01:44,721 --> 01:01:49,721
Speaker 1: we'll get to. I cannot charge my father for sexual abuse.

1214
01:01:50,281 --> 01:01:53,281
Speaker 1: I cannot charge my mother for neglect. I cannot charge

1215
01:01:53,321 --> 01:01:58,761
Speaker 1: my brothers for the way they beat me. I cannot

1216
01:01:58,841 --> 01:02:02,801
Speaker 1: charge anybody my father in law because the laws do

1217
01:02:02,841 --> 01:02:06,681
Speaker 1: not serve us victims or survivors.

1218
01:02:07,361 --> 01:02:09,681
Speaker 2: Now you've brought it up, tell me about the ex

1219
01:02:09,761 --> 01:02:11,521
Speaker 2: partner and the pillow.

1220
01:02:12,161 --> 01:02:15,681
Speaker 1: So I lived with him for twenty three years. I

1221
01:02:15,721 --> 01:02:19,201
Speaker 1: became his companion. It's the only way I can describe it.

1222
01:02:19,481 --> 01:02:21,761
Speaker 1: I got to the age of twenty two, so I'm

1223
01:02:21,801 --> 01:02:23,521
Speaker 1: living with him for nearly a year. Because people are

1224
01:02:23,521 --> 01:02:26,041
Speaker 1: like what she ended up with her friend's boyfriend. It

1225
01:02:26,081 --> 01:02:29,361
Speaker 1: didn't work out like that. I didn't love him. I

1226
01:02:29,441 --> 01:02:32,441
Speaker 1: cared for him because I was a care I was

1227
01:02:32,521 --> 01:02:35,201
Speaker 1: brought up to be a care for somebody or another.

1228
01:02:35,721 --> 01:02:37,921
Speaker 1: It started off with, yeah, can you fix me some food.

1229
01:02:37,961 --> 01:02:39,441
Speaker 1: I'll give you the money. He never gave me the money,

1230
01:02:39,441 --> 01:02:41,881
Speaker 1: so my wages were also feeding both of us. If

1231
01:02:41,921 --> 01:02:43,361
Speaker 1: I was eating a lot of the time, I wouldn't

1232
01:02:43,401 --> 01:02:45,921
Speaker 1: eat because I didn't need to eat. That was my attitude.

1233
01:02:45,961 --> 01:02:47,761
Speaker 1: I didn't really need to eat. You know. I had

1234
01:02:47,761 --> 01:02:51,321
Speaker 1: this bad association with food. I don't need to have anything.

1235
01:02:51,361 --> 01:02:52,961
Speaker 1: He'll have something's sweet on the way to work, a

1236
01:02:53,041 --> 01:02:54,801
Speaker 1: Mars bar, or something that'll keep me going, you know,

1237
01:02:55,161 --> 01:02:58,721
Speaker 1: a coffee. And I started to be controlled by this

1238
01:02:58,801 --> 01:03:01,241
Speaker 1: person where I was going, what I was doing without knowing,

1239
01:03:01,321 --> 01:03:03,441
Speaker 1: because that was what I was used to. I was

1240
01:03:03,521 --> 01:03:06,321
Speaker 1: used to answering to him anything. Asked me what happened

1241
01:03:06,361 --> 01:03:08,401
Speaker 1: at work, tell him what times you're going to get off.

1242
01:03:08,521 --> 01:03:11,161
Speaker 1: Tell him is the money got into my account? Yes,

1243
01:03:11,201 --> 01:03:14,001
Speaker 1: of course I felt that's how life is. I didn't

1244
01:03:14,081 --> 01:03:17,401
Speaker 1: understand about dating. I didn't understand about that word fancying somebody.

1245
01:03:17,601 --> 01:03:19,561
Speaker 1: I never did any of that. I didn't know I

1246
01:03:19,721 --> 01:03:22,401
Speaker 1: was even somebody that anybody would want, because I didn't

1247
01:03:22,401 --> 01:03:27,481
Speaker 1: feel that I was of that worth and very naive,

1248
01:03:27,721 --> 01:03:31,601
Speaker 1: stupidly naive, you know. And I was happy ish kind

1249
01:03:31,641 --> 01:03:33,481
Speaker 1: of because I still don't know what the happy meant.

1250
01:03:33,481 --> 01:03:36,081
Speaker 1: I've only found happy three or four years ago. I

1251
01:03:36,081 --> 01:03:37,801
Speaker 1: didn't never really knew what it meant. And a lot

1252
01:03:37,841 --> 01:03:39,961
Speaker 1: of people think they know what it means, but they

1253
01:03:40,001 --> 01:03:44,401
Speaker 1: don't know. They don't. I lived with him and we

1254
01:03:44,521 --> 01:03:46,201
Speaker 1: ended up going to a party because he said, you

1255
01:03:46,201 --> 01:03:47,961
Speaker 1: want to go to a party. I'm thinking, are we

1256
01:03:48,041 --> 01:03:49,841
Speaker 1: going to have those hats that kids work? Because I'm

1257
01:03:49,881 --> 01:03:52,121
Speaker 1: still very naive in this twenty two year old body.

1258
01:03:53,041 --> 01:03:54,841
Speaker 1: We're gonna have those blower things, you know, and we

1259
01:03:54,921 --> 01:03:57,721
Speaker 1: canna have cake cake ca cake or cake caking custard

1260
01:03:58,321 --> 01:04:01,521
Speaker 1: as an adult party. There was alcohol there with food,

1261
01:04:01,561 --> 01:04:05,041
Speaker 1: there was all sorts music. I'm not used to this line.

1262
01:04:05,081 --> 01:04:07,761
Speaker 1: I've not used to it. I'm a real homegirl still, lamb.

1263
01:04:08,281 --> 01:04:11,121
Speaker 1: But I went and he's handing me have a coke,

1264
01:04:11,521 --> 01:04:14,601
Speaker 1: and I'm thinking, I've never had coke because we drank

1265
01:04:14,641 --> 01:04:16,881
Speaker 1: water at home. If some guests were coming, I was

1266
01:04:16,921 --> 01:04:18,881
Speaker 1: sent around the corner to the shop to go get

1267
01:04:18,881 --> 01:04:21,121
Speaker 1: a bottle of fizzy pop or dandelionon bird or whatever

1268
01:04:21,201 --> 01:04:24,201
Speaker 1: it was. I didn't ever have coke. I wasn't really allowed.

1269
01:04:24,241 --> 01:04:27,401
Speaker 1: It was expensive. So from childhood I didn't drink those drinks.

1270
01:04:27,441 --> 01:04:30,441
Speaker 1: We just didn't. But there was suddenly readily available in

1271
01:04:30,481 --> 01:04:33,801
Speaker 1: the nineties. They were everywhere. And there he is, you know,

1272
01:04:33,921 --> 01:04:36,241
Speaker 1: panding me coke, and I say, taste ODDI sense PEPSI.

1273
01:04:36,561 --> 01:04:38,401
Speaker 1: They didn't have the real thing. Don't worry to drink it. Drink,

1274
01:04:38,481 --> 01:04:40,041
Speaker 1: drink and drink or drink it. I'll get another one.

1275
01:04:40,321 --> 01:04:42,281
Speaker 1: So I'm like drinking it, thinking nothing of it, and

1276
01:04:42,321 --> 01:04:45,921
Speaker 1: I start to feel very dizzy. Long story short, gone home,

1277
01:04:46,201 --> 01:04:49,961
Speaker 1: bin raped, pregnant with my daughter, give birth to my daughter.

1278
01:04:50,041 --> 01:04:51,961
Speaker 1: He says, get rid of it. No, I don't want to,

1279
01:04:52,441 --> 01:04:56,641
Speaker 1: because I needed something for Nina. I had nothing nobody.

1280
01:04:57,441 --> 01:05:00,361
Speaker 1: Now I had this tiny child who was a girl.

1281
01:05:01,081 --> 01:05:04,961
Speaker 1: She broke that circle. I believe I was supposed to have,

1282
01:05:05,721 --> 01:05:09,201
Speaker 1: you know, in my head, And then I think I

1283
01:05:09,241 --> 01:05:11,921
Speaker 1: want to get married. I want the same surname. Don't

1284
01:05:12,001 --> 01:05:15,441
Speaker 1: understand about dating. He might be feeling trapped, he might

1285
01:05:15,481 --> 01:05:17,841
Speaker 1: be feeling I didn't ask for this. Who knows, he

1286
01:05:17,961 --> 01:05:22,281
Speaker 1: knows I don't. I'm not making excuses. I'm just Devil's advocate.

1287
01:05:22,321 --> 01:05:26,921
Speaker 1: Always am we end up not getting married because I'm

1288
01:05:26,921 --> 01:05:29,201
Speaker 1: not good enough. I'm fat and I'm ugly. Well, my

1289
01:05:29,281 --> 01:05:32,041
Speaker 1: parents told me that mix partner that I was married to.

1290
01:05:32,081 --> 01:05:33,601
Speaker 1: You know, my father in law told me that, So

1291
01:05:34,241 --> 01:05:37,401
Speaker 1: he's right. I'm fat and ugly. I speak oddly, apparently

1292
01:05:37,401 --> 01:05:39,241
Speaker 1: because I had a real British accent, which I still

1293
01:05:39,281 --> 01:05:43,041
Speaker 1: have being brought up in a predominantly white area. Don't

1294
01:05:43,041 --> 01:05:46,761
Speaker 1: have an Indian accent or a twin, so there's something

1295
01:05:46,801 --> 01:05:50,321
Speaker 1: wrong in me, not him. I'm so lucky to have

1296
01:05:50,401 --> 01:05:52,481
Speaker 1: a roof over my head, but I'm paying for it.

1297
01:05:52,521 --> 01:05:55,481
Speaker 1: But I still don't see that. I've given up work now,

1298
01:05:56,041 --> 01:05:58,281
Speaker 1: so how am I going to support myself and my daughter.

1299
01:05:58,361 --> 01:06:01,041
Speaker 1: I want her to have private schooling. I want her

1300
01:06:01,081 --> 01:06:03,641
Speaker 1: to have a career. I want her to be independent,

1301
01:06:03,681 --> 01:06:05,921
Speaker 1: so nobody can ever turn around say she's not good enough.

1302
01:06:06,201 --> 01:06:08,921
Speaker 1: I'm going to raise this child, probably spoil her in

1303
01:06:08,961 --> 01:06:12,801
Speaker 1: the way that I wasn't. And that's what I did.

1304
01:06:13,801 --> 01:06:17,201
Speaker 1: I opened up a mobile phone shop in a spare bedroom.

1305
01:06:17,961 --> 01:06:20,361
Speaker 1: I did so well. I mean, it's a long story,

1306
01:06:20,361 --> 01:06:21,881
Speaker 1: but I'm cutting it short. But I did so well.

1307
01:06:21,881 --> 01:06:23,921
Speaker 1: I ended up with a shop in the town center.

1308
01:06:24,721 --> 01:06:27,041
Speaker 1: I learned to network. I don't know how I knew

1309
01:06:27,121 --> 01:06:29,001
Speaker 1: these things, but I knew that if I put my

1310
01:06:29,121 --> 01:06:31,601
Speaker 1: kid in the most expensive nursery, that's where all the doctors,

1311
01:06:31,721 --> 01:06:34,881
Speaker 1: nurses go, all the professionals, they're the people I want

1312
01:06:34,921 --> 01:06:36,401
Speaker 1: to connect with. They're the ones that are going to

1313
01:06:36,441 --> 01:06:38,961
Speaker 1: buy from me. I'm going to just be me because

1314
01:06:39,321 --> 01:06:42,481
Speaker 1: they're like me. I can't be anyone else. I believed

1315
01:06:42,561 --> 01:06:44,721
Speaker 1: if I had the right thing for them, they would

1316
01:06:44,761 --> 01:06:47,201
Speaker 1: be happy. I'd been doing it all my life as

1317
01:06:47,241 --> 01:06:50,761
Speaker 1: a child, and I had a shop. I got a shop.

1318
01:06:51,081 --> 01:06:53,921
Speaker 1: I bought a house, white picket fence, beautiful house. I

1319
01:06:53,961 --> 01:06:56,361
Speaker 1: loved it. And then I wanted another baby. I had

1320
01:06:56,401 --> 01:06:58,801
Speaker 1: another baby. It was a boy this time, and I,

1321
01:06:58,921 --> 01:07:02,921
Speaker 1: in my head, was in a relationship. I was in

1322
01:07:02,961 --> 01:07:07,481
Speaker 1: a situationship, as it's called now relationship. It was okay

1323
01:07:07,481 --> 01:07:09,841
Speaker 1: for him to disappear and go out every night and

1324
01:07:09,881 --> 01:07:11,961
Speaker 1: get drunk. I gave him the money to do it,

1325
01:07:12,081 --> 01:07:15,121
Speaker 1: because that's what my dad did. I never had someone

1326
01:07:15,281 --> 01:07:18,201
Speaker 1: hold my hand unless they were holding me down to

1327
01:07:18,281 --> 01:07:22,281
Speaker 1: attack me. I didn't know about those things. I just

1328
01:07:22,281 --> 01:07:26,521
Speaker 1: didn't know what love was. I actually didn't know I

1329
01:07:26,561 --> 01:07:32,121
Speaker 1: could be loved. And he was violent. The violence got

1330
01:07:32,161 --> 01:07:36,401
Speaker 1: worse the more successful I became. I was now running

1331
01:07:36,521 --> 01:07:40,641
Speaker 1: several businesses. I'd bought two commercial properties. I had literally

1332
01:07:40,681 --> 01:07:44,041
Speaker 1: written off my mortgage because I was making a lot

1333
01:07:44,041 --> 01:07:46,241
Speaker 1: of money and I was just paying off mortgages. My

1334
01:07:46,361 --> 01:07:48,161
Speaker 1: dad had taught me that because he owns a lot

1335
01:07:48,161 --> 01:07:50,681
Speaker 1: of property. I knew how it worked. I was a

1336
01:07:50,761 --> 01:07:54,561
Speaker 1: very clever little kid. I just didn't know it. I

1337
01:07:54,641 --> 01:07:57,961
Speaker 1: got pregnant for the fair time. My number is three

1338
01:07:58,241 --> 01:08:00,041
Speaker 1: three three three is my number. I don't know why.

1339
01:08:01,121 --> 01:08:04,921
Speaker 1: And I wanted a third child, and this time the

1340
01:08:05,641 --> 01:08:08,161
Speaker 1: is really escalating. I'm giving in between five and eight

1341
01:08:08,241 --> 01:08:11,681
Speaker 1: thousand pounds a month to be with me. He doesn't work,

1342
01:08:12,161 --> 01:08:16,840
Speaker 1: he doesn't have a job. I'm running lots of different

1343
01:08:16,921 --> 01:08:21,281
Speaker 1: kind of enterprises and outside I'm this really tough cookie

1344
01:08:21,281 --> 01:08:24,321
Speaker 1: that's compassionate to her staff because I want them to

1345
01:08:24,401 --> 01:08:26,801
Speaker 1: be cared for the way I wasn't, and they want

1346
01:08:26,841 --> 01:08:28,961
Speaker 1: to care for me to in the business because they

1347
01:08:29,001 --> 01:08:31,721
Speaker 1: fore part of my family. I treat everyone with the

1348
01:08:31,761 --> 01:08:36,720
Speaker 1: dignity and love that they deserve. And I'm eight months

1349
01:08:37,641 --> 01:08:40,601
Speaker 1: at home. I'm a scared little person. I answer to

1350
01:08:40,721 --> 01:08:43,441
Speaker 1: everything he says. Sit down, I'll sit down. Put your

1351
01:08:43,481 --> 01:08:47,601
Speaker 1: phone there, I'll put it. My car is tracked that businesses.

1352
01:08:47,641 --> 01:08:51,281
Speaker 1: I had CCTV and he had remote access, which was

1353
01:08:51,361 --> 01:08:54,681
Speaker 1: very rare back then. You know, he wanted everything. I

1354
01:08:54,761 --> 01:08:57,241
Speaker 1: even had a television in my bathroom before most people

1355
01:08:57,281 --> 01:09:01,680
Speaker 1: even knew it existed. We have a luxurious house. By now,

1356
01:09:01,721 --> 01:09:04,681
Speaker 1: we'd built a seven bedroom house overlooking the fields. I

1357
01:09:04,761 --> 01:09:07,561
Speaker 1: extend it. Any car you wanted I could get you

1358
01:09:07,601 --> 01:09:10,041
Speaker 1: because I'll make it happen. I'm the provider, right, what

1359
01:09:10,121 --> 01:09:11,521
Speaker 1: do you need? I'm going to do it for you,

1360
01:09:11,921 --> 01:09:14,081
Speaker 1: not how am I going to do it?

1361
01:09:13,481 --> 01:09:17,641
Speaker 2: And you weren't married to him, and you're doing all

1362
01:09:17,641 --> 01:09:18,121
Speaker 2: this for him.

1363
01:09:18,281 --> 01:09:22,561
Speaker 1: My culture, you are supposed to make sure your partner

1364
01:09:22,641 --> 01:09:25,321
Speaker 1: is looked after. If you have children with somebody, who

1365
01:09:25,321 --> 01:09:28,561
Speaker 1: stay with that person, you don't leave. It's an old mentality.

1366
01:09:28,561 --> 01:09:31,281
Speaker 1: It's even an old British mentality that you stay with

1367
01:09:31,321 --> 01:09:33,841
Speaker 1: that person. It's good for the kids, right. You don't

1368
01:09:33,881 --> 01:09:36,641
Speaker 1: understand what kids are going through, because if you're being

1369
01:09:37,241 --> 01:09:41,561
Speaker 1: abused mentally, sexually, physically, the children understand and see and

1370
01:09:41,681 --> 01:09:45,961
Speaker 1: hear it. You just don't know that domestic violence doesn't

1371
01:09:46,041 --> 01:09:51,481
Speaker 1: affect one person, it affects the whole family. Again, another message,

1372
01:09:51,961 --> 01:09:53,481
Speaker 1: But you don't see it when you're in it. You're like,

1373
01:09:53,761 --> 01:09:56,361
Speaker 1: I've got to stay here because I can't split up,

1374
01:09:56,401 --> 01:09:59,001
Speaker 1: because you know what my culture, you're supposed to stay

1375
01:09:59,001 --> 01:10:02,121
Speaker 1: here till you die, and I was going to die.

1376
01:10:02,161 --> 01:10:06,561
Speaker 1: I just didn't know it. Pregnancy was different. It was

1377
01:10:06,601 --> 01:10:09,761
Speaker 1: really quick after my second child was born, and he

1378
01:10:09,801 --> 01:10:11,241
Speaker 1: was very distanced. He said, you know what, I don't

1379
01:10:11,241 --> 01:10:13,121
Speaker 1: want to come near You're disgusting. He said, no man

1380
01:10:13,161 --> 01:10:14,801
Speaker 1: will ever want you. He said, you're lucky I even

1381
01:10:14,801 --> 01:10:18,680
Speaker 1: come here. You'll actually make me feel sick. And I thought, wow, okay,

1382
01:10:18,761 --> 01:10:21,641
Speaker 1: well I get it. You'd moved out of my room,

1383
01:10:22,121 --> 01:10:25,321
Speaker 1: didn't sleep with me, and even when he slept with me,

1384
01:10:25,401 --> 01:10:29,241
Speaker 1: it wasn't like it was different. It was the kind

1385
01:10:29,281 --> 01:10:33,920
Speaker 1: of abuse I had had at fourteen. It wasn't loving,

1386
01:10:35,401 --> 01:10:39,681
Speaker 1: it was aggressive, But I didn't know any different.

1387
01:10:40,841 --> 01:10:42,841
Speaker 2: And was it? Was it ever loving with him?

1388
01:10:43,721 --> 01:10:46,721
Speaker 1: No, I don't think he knew how to love me

1389
01:10:47,481 --> 01:10:50,041
Speaker 1: because he didn't want me. That was his constant thing.

1390
01:10:50,121 --> 01:10:53,081
Speaker 1: I don't want you. I don't want you, but nobody

1391
01:10:53,121 --> 01:10:54,081
Speaker 1: wanted me, right.

1392
01:10:54,281 --> 01:10:56,081
Speaker 2: But how was he with your kids?

1393
01:10:56,521 --> 01:11:00,241
Speaker 1: The same didn't care, didn't care. He on the outside,

1394
01:11:00,281 --> 01:11:02,641
Speaker 1: he would tell everybody what a proud father he was.

1395
01:11:03,001 --> 01:11:05,961
Speaker 1: His children were playing in academy football. They were one

1396
01:11:05,961 --> 01:11:08,561
Speaker 1: of the fastest in Midlands, one hundred meters sprinting in

1397
01:11:08,601 --> 01:11:11,921
Speaker 1: two hundred. They were sportsmen. My daughter was academic. She's

1398
01:11:11,961 --> 01:11:14,201
Speaker 1: such a clever girl. And at home we wouln't talk to

1399
01:11:14,201 --> 01:11:17,281
Speaker 1: my daughter. You didn't even really bother with my boys

1400
01:11:17,321 --> 01:11:20,241
Speaker 1: that much. You would turn about their football matches with

1401
01:11:20,321 --> 01:11:24,201
Speaker 1: alcohol and one of these unbro little bag things drinking

1402
01:11:24,241 --> 01:11:27,321
Speaker 1: alcohol first thing in the morning. If I stood with

1403
01:11:27,361 --> 01:11:29,281
Speaker 1: the other parents, who would make me stand behind the

1404
01:11:29,321 --> 01:11:33,201
Speaker 1: goal and not with the parents. He would always tell

1405
01:11:33,201 --> 01:11:35,441
Speaker 1: me he'd watch me. So if I was there on

1406
01:11:35,441 --> 01:11:38,881
Speaker 1: my own, I would stand away from everyone. And you

1407
01:11:38,881 --> 01:11:42,361
Speaker 1: don't understand, they're trying to make you not have any

1408
01:11:42,401 --> 01:11:46,521
Speaker 1: friends or family. I didn't have family anyway, right. I

1409
01:11:46,561 --> 01:11:49,321
Speaker 1: was an easy target. I was a vulnerable person that anybody.

1410
01:11:49,681 --> 01:11:52,281
Speaker 1: They could have been pink and black and have dots

1411
01:11:52,281 --> 01:11:54,881
Speaker 1: around and be an alien. It wouldn't have made a difference.

1412
01:11:54,881 --> 01:11:57,001
Speaker 1: I would have been with them and been thankful. My

1413
01:11:57,481 --> 01:12:00,521
Speaker 1: sense of gratitude from a child has been immense. I'm

1414
01:12:00,561 --> 01:12:03,921
Speaker 1: grateful for everything, always have been. I was pregnant for

1415
01:12:03,961 --> 01:12:08,001
Speaker 1: the third time. He's telling me I'm nothing, I'm nobody,

1416
01:12:08,041 --> 01:12:11,001
Speaker 1: I'm ugly, and I'm used to this, and he sets

1417
01:12:11,041 --> 01:12:14,721
Speaker 1: my pillow on fire. I'm asleep. You don't forget the

1418
01:12:14,761 --> 01:12:18,881
Speaker 1: smell of burning hair is a very distinctive smell. When

1419
01:12:18,921 --> 01:12:21,441
Speaker 1: I wake up. He says he's trying to end it all.

1420
01:12:21,521 --> 01:12:24,881
Speaker 1: I believe him, but I don't understand that he's consciously

1421
01:12:24,881 --> 01:12:26,841
Speaker 1: made a decision. Someone had to explain to me, Nina.

1422
01:12:27,081 --> 01:12:29,601
Speaker 1: He's taking a box of matches. He's taken the match out,

1423
01:12:29,601 --> 01:12:31,841
Speaker 1: and he's lit it, and he's held it against your

1424
01:12:31,841 --> 01:12:34,521
Speaker 1: pillow till it starts to ignite. I had to have

1425
01:12:34,561 --> 01:12:38,761
Speaker 1: it broken down because your reality is so distorted. You

1426
01:12:38,801 --> 01:12:42,241
Speaker 1: are so stuck in that I'm not worth anything, I'm

1427
01:12:42,241 --> 01:12:44,921
Speaker 1: a nothing. He didn't mean it. You make excuses for

1428
01:12:44,961 --> 01:12:49,241
Speaker 1: people's bad behavior because it makes you feel better, It

1429
01:12:49,281 --> 01:12:51,840
Speaker 1: makes you feel okay in that moment.

1430
01:12:52,161 --> 01:12:54,121
Speaker 2: Yeah, so true, that's so true.

1431
01:12:54,201 --> 01:12:56,801
Speaker 1: I'm pregnant. I'm going to give birth pretty soon. He

1432
01:12:56,881 --> 01:13:01,321
Speaker 1: pushes me down the stairs. I fell on my stomach.

1433
01:13:02,001 --> 01:13:08,041
Speaker 1: He disappears, takes this bag. My daughter's sleep over. My

1434
01:13:08,121 --> 01:13:15,041
Speaker 1: other son was with me, and I get help from

1435
01:13:15,121 --> 01:13:16,721
Speaker 1: the people that I used to rent from. They look

1436
01:13:16,761 --> 01:13:19,881
Speaker 1: after my son. I end up in the hospital and

1437
01:13:19,921 --> 01:13:24,721
Speaker 1: i'm giving Beth. They say he's breach and I say, okay,

1438
01:13:24,801 --> 01:13:27,321
Speaker 1: but he's going to be all right, right, because my

1439
01:13:27,361 --> 01:13:31,281
Speaker 1: body is programmed to have this baby. And I give Beth.

1440
01:13:32,041 --> 01:13:36,121
Speaker 1: I hold him and I have him here against my chest.

1441
01:13:36,161 --> 01:13:41,521
Speaker 1: He's small, smaller than the others, and sorry, this is

1442
01:13:41,561 --> 01:13:49,680
Speaker 1: so hard. Not even a minute. I say, he's not breathing,

1443
01:13:49,801 --> 01:13:52,561
Speaker 1: he's not crying, and I can hear all the other

1444
01:13:52,641 --> 01:13:57,081
Speaker 1: children in the ward crying, but not mine. And they

1445
01:13:57,121 --> 01:13:59,641
Speaker 1: take him from me. They don't talk to you. They

1446
01:13:59,721 --> 01:14:01,561
Speaker 1: take your baby, and that if you still have to

1447
01:14:02,001 --> 01:14:04,721
Speaker 1: deliver the afterbirth, otherwise your body goes into shock. And

1448
01:14:04,721 --> 01:14:13,321
Speaker 1: I'm not said this before Tyler. He died and I

1449
01:14:13,441 --> 01:14:17,561
Speaker 1: nearly died because I couldn't physically carry on trying to

1450
01:14:17,561 --> 01:14:20,321
Speaker 1: give birth to the after birth. You know, you've got

1451
01:14:20,321 --> 01:14:21,961
Speaker 1: to get rid of the center and everything, and I

1452
01:14:21,961 --> 01:14:24,641
Speaker 1: couldn't do it. My body was like, no, give me

1453
01:14:24,721 --> 01:14:28,961
Speaker 1: my baby. I want my baby. And they operated and

1454
01:14:29,721 --> 01:14:31,881
Speaker 1: when I woke up, he was in a cot next

1455
01:14:31,881 --> 01:14:35,881
Speaker 1: to me. Nobody's there again. I'm back to twenty one

1456
01:14:36,001 --> 01:14:41,401
Speaker 1: years old, being alone, being ignored, the uncomfortable conversation nobody

1457
01:14:41,401 --> 01:14:43,881
Speaker 1: wants to have because I've lost my baby. I don't

1458
01:14:43,881 --> 01:14:49,001
Speaker 1: have a counselor sitting there holding my hand. My consultant

1459
01:14:49,121 --> 01:14:51,960
Speaker 1: came in. His name was Paul. Something isn't what happened?

1460
01:14:52,961 --> 01:14:57,161
Speaker 1: And I said, I failed. I'm a failure. I'm nothing.

1461
01:14:58,041 --> 01:15:03,161
Speaker 1: I couldn't bring my baby into this world. And he said,

1462
01:15:03,241 --> 01:15:05,521
Speaker 1: does something happen? And at that minute I could have

1463
01:15:05,721 --> 01:15:10,481
Speaker 1: said yes, but I didn't because you take it all

1464
01:15:10,561 --> 01:15:13,041
Speaker 1: upon you. You're the problem. You're the one who's causing

1465
01:15:13,081 --> 01:15:16,281
Speaker 1: all of this stuff that's happening. You're the main reason

1466
01:15:16,361 --> 01:15:19,881
Speaker 1: that nobody loved you. It can't be everyone else. There's

1467
01:15:19,921 --> 01:15:22,481
Speaker 1: too many people. If it was one person, maybe, but

1468
01:15:22,521 --> 01:15:24,441
Speaker 1: how can it be my parents? How could it be

1469
01:15:24,681 --> 01:15:26,361
Speaker 1: the people I was married in too? How could it

1470
01:15:26,401 --> 01:15:29,041
Speaker 1: be some people, even at work, those kids that bullied me.

1471
01:15:29,081 --> 01:15:31,001
Speaker 1: How can it be everyone else? It has to be me?

1472
01:15:31,841 --> 01:15:35,721
Speaker 1: And I switched off, literally that little light that was

1473
01:15:35,761 --> 01:15:39,561
Speaker 1: constantly being ignited by me, that keep going, I talk

1474
01:15:39,601 --> 01:15:44,401
Speaker 1: about it, gone completely. I lay there. I went home,

1475
01:15:44,521 --> 01:15:46,760
Speaker 1: I lay in my bed. I sat at my back

1476
01:15:46,761 --> 01:15:49,720
Speaker 1: window looking up at the sky, having conversations with God.

1477
01:15:50,361 --> 01:15:54,041
Speaker 1: But why would you do this to somebody? There's done

1478
01:15:54,041 --> 01:15:58,680
Speaker 1: nothing but unconditionally love, give to everybody. I've never done

1479
01:15:58,721 --> 01:16:02,441
Speaker 1: anything wrong. I've never heard anyone when I've been hurt,

1480
01:16:02,481 --> 01:16:06,281
Speaker 1: I've given that person love and forgiveness. Why would you

1481
01:16:06,361 --> 01:16:09,601
Speaker 1: do this to me? This is what broke the camel's back.

1482
01:16:10,321 --> 01:16:14,561
Speaker 1: I was that little maybe that wild flower that grows

1483
01:16:14,641 --> 01:16:16,841
Speaker 1: that the petals had started to fall off over time,

1484
01:16:16,961 --> 01:16:20,441
Speaker 1: and now the stalk had snapped. There was no coming back.

1485
01:16:23,081 --> 01:16:26,161
Speaker 1: I ended up getting pregnant again, after begging and pleading.

1486
01:16:26,241 --> 01:16:28,361
Speaker 1: I used to hold his legs and beg him and

1487
01:16:28,401 --> 01:16:31,481
Speaker 1: so please, I need another baby. I need. What the

1488
01:16:31,521 --> 01:16:34,961
Speaker 1: words I used was I need. I wanted to almost

1489
01:16:35,001 --> 01:16:38,401
Speaker 1: replace what I'd lost, not understanding you can't do that anyway.

1490
01:16:40,201 --> 01:16:42,881
Speaker 1: And I did have a baby, and I was paranoid

1491
01:16:43,081 --> 01:16:45,321
Speaker 1: I was going to lose this baby. I wanted to

1492
01:16:45,361 --> 01:16:48,201
Speaker 1: be in a pink room. I remember causing a real

1493
01:16:48,241 --> 01:16:50,481
Speaker 1: big fuss when I got to the hospital. I was

1494
01:16:50,521 --> 01:16:53,881
Speaker 1: on my own. I wouldn't lie down. I stood up.

1495
01:16:56,121 --> 01:16:57,920
Speaker 1: I was a real pen a bet to the nurses

1496
01:16:58,001 --> 01:17:01,321
Speaker 1: that day. But after what I'd been through, I kind

1497
01:17:01,321 --> 01:17:05,721
Speaker 1: of maybe was allowed to be ga birth to the

1498
01:17:05,721 --> 01:17:10,361
Speaker 1: most beautiful little boy. And I gave him birth, but

1499
01:17:10,441 --> 01:17:12,680
Speaker 1: he kind of gave me a chance of living again.

1500
01:17:13,841 --> 01:17:16,761
Speaker 1: And I just carried on because that's what you do, right,

1501
01:17:16,801 --> 01:17:20,841
Speaker 1: You just get on with it. And life went on.

1502
01:17:21,081 --> 01:17:24,201
Speaker 1: My daughter. I'm very successful on the outside. People look

1503
01:17:24,241 --> 01:17:26,961
Speaker 1: at me like an entrepreneur, which is exactly what I was.

1504
01:17:26,961 --> 01:17:29,961
Speaker 1: I was a millionaire by this time. But when people

1505
01:17:30,081 --> 01:17:31,921
Speaker 1: say you're a millionaire, they're why she had loads of money?

1506
01:17:31,921 --> 01:17:35,281
Speaker 1: Why didn't she just sort herself out? Then he threatened

1507
01:17:35,321 --> 01:17:37,041
Speaker 1: if I left the house he would kill me and

1508
01:17:37,081 --> 01:17:40,001
Speaker 1: my children. He watched me twenty four hours a day.

1509
01:17:40,281 --> 01:17:41,841
Speaker 1: If I went to the toilet at work, if he

1510
01:17:41,921 --> 01:17:43,840
Speaker 1: was at work, he would come with me to the toilet.

1511
01:17:44,481 --> 01:17:46,321
Speaker 1: Every night, I would put my phone and my children

1512
01:17:46,321 --> 01:17:49,161
Speaker 1: would put their phone on the table. Those phones would

1513
01:17:49,161 --> 01:17:53,081
Speaker 1: get checked when university said this is not normal, and

1514
01:17:53,161 --> 01:17:55,241
Speaker 1: came back and said to her dad, this is not normal.

1515
01:17:55,641 --> 01:18:00,201
Speaker 1: She was then stopped to come. She wasn't allowed to

1516
01:18:00,241 --> 01:18:02,960
Speaker 1: visit anymore, she was not allowed to phone us anymore.

1517
01:18:03,161 --> 01:18:06,401
Speaker 1: She was cut off. He's seventeen, eighteen years old, has

1518
01:18:06,441 --> 01:18:08,761
Speaker 1: gone to UNI. She's cut off. She wants to tell

1519
01:18:08,761 --> 01:18:10,841
Speaker 1: me how her day's gone. I want to know how

1520
01:18:10,841 --> 01:18:13,401
Speaker 1: her day's gone. She's my pride and joy, she's my

1521
01:18:13,521 --> 01:18:18,921
Speaker 1: baby girl. I couldn't do that, and that was a

1522
01:18:18,961 --> 01:18:22,801
Speaker 1: real hard time for me and her. My sons have

1523
01:18:22,841 --> 01:18:26,801
Speaker 1: grown up now they're sixteen, and he's going through his GCSEs.

1524
01:18:26,841 --> 01:18:29,561
Speaker 1: But his father one day just hits him because, like

1525
01:18:29,641 --> 01:18:33,161
Speaker 1: QUI stood up and said, this is not okay, leave

1526
01:18:33,281 --> 01:18:36,681
Speaker 1: my mum alone. So what did I do? And I

1527
01:18:36,721 --> 01:18:41,241
Speaker 1: should have could have, but I didn't. I didn't leave,

1528
01:18:41,881 --> 01:18:43,881
Speaker 1: but I said to me, cannot hit my children. It's

1529
01:18:43,881 --> 01:18:46,041
Speaker 1: one thing I'm not going to allow. Because mothers are

1530
01:18:46,241 --> 01:18:50,961
Speaker 1: very sacrificial, parents can be. I sent him to boarding school.

1531
01:18:51,641 --> 01:18:53,361
Speaker 1: That was my solution. I send him to a thirty

1532
01:18:53,401 --> 01:18:56,361
Speaker 1: six thousand a year boarding school. Where's that money going

1533
01:18:56,401 --> 01:18:58,921
Speaker 1: to come from? I actually sold a car to pay

1534
01:18:58,961 --> 01:19:03,001
Speaker 1: for the first quarter deposit, and then I had to

1535
01:19:03,041 --> 01:19:05,521
Speaker 1: open more businesses, which meant I was at home less

1536
01:19:05,761 --> 01:19:09,561
Speaker 1: and I was already working really long days. And I

1537
01:19:09,681 --> 01:19:12,801
Speaker 1: never missed a sports date. I never missed taking them

1538
01:19:12,801 --> 01:19:15,521
Speaker 1: to training. I was like three people in one I

1539
01:19:15,561 --> 01:19:18,281
Speaker 1: was literally like an octopus. I did it. I don't

1540
01:19:18,281 --> 01:19:19,841
Speaker 1: know how I did it now, and I think, how

1541
01:19:19,841 --> 01:19:22,321
Speaker 1: did I do that? But when he went to boarding school,

1542
01:19:22,361 --> 01:19:24,680
Speaker 1: my other son, my youngest, lost his buffer, He lost

1543
01:19:24,721 --> 01:19:26,721
Speaker 1: his best mate, lost that person that was going to

1544
01:19:26,721 --> 01:19:29,641
Speaker 1: be there. And like I said, when you are in

1545
01:19:29,681 --> 01:19:34,201
Speaker 1: a state of despair, when you are suffering, that suffering

1546
01:19:34,241 --> 01:19:36,481
Speaker 1: either goes externally and you hurt the people around you,

1547
01:19:36,561 --> 01:19:39,841
Speaker 1: or you internally hurt yourself. And that's what happened. He

1548
01:19:39,921 --> 01:19:44,441
Speaker 1: internalized it all. He developed an autoimmune disease caused by

1549
01:19:44,481 --> 01:19:47,881
Speaker 1: stress by his father and missing his brother so much.

1550
01:19:48,641 --> 01:19:51,601
Speaker 1: He was in hospital most of the time. His gcsc's

1551
01:19:51,641 --> 01:19:53,761
Speaker 1: he took when he came out of hospital did really well,

1552
01:19:53,801 --> 01:19:56,401
Speaker 1: surprisingly because he was so weak. He'd lost so much

1553
01:19:56,401 --> 01:19:58,761
Speaker 1: weight he couldn't even stand upon his own. He was

1554
01:19:58,801 --> 01:20:02,481
Speaker 1: label disabled and when he was his father said, you're

1555
01:20:02,481 --> 01:20:06,961
Speaker 1: not my son. We ended up in hospital for a

1556
01:20:07,081 --> 01:20:10,241
Speaker 1: very serious operation. It was very touch and go. I

1557
01:20:10,241 --> 01:20:14,121
Speaker 1: thought I might lose him. And he didn't come and

1558
01:20:14,201 --> 01:20:17,121
Speaker 1: visit his son once when he was in hospital. He

1559
01:20:17,201 --> 01:20:20,641
Speaker 1: pressed the buzzer to the hospital children's ward one day

1560
01:20:20,641 --> 01:20:22,121
Speaker 1: and the nurse came to get me to some man

1561
01:20:22,201 --> 01:20:24,721
Speaker 1: standing outside. He needs to talk to you urgently. I'll

1562
01:20:24,721 --> 01:20:27,041
Speaker 1: watch your kid while you go. And he said, I

1563
01:20:27,081 --> 01:20:29,601
Speaker 1: need money transferring to me today. I'm going to China.

1564
01:20:30,081 --> 01:20:33,041
Speaker 1: He said, you're not going into You've done it. So

1565
01:20:33,081 --> 01:20:35,161
Speaker 1: I got my phone out. Did it? You went through

1566
01:20:35,161 --> 01:20:37,680
Speaker 1: my phone, checked if i'd been messaging anyone. He saw

1567
01:20:37,721 --> 01:20:40,081
Speaker 1: messages between me and my daughter because we'd started speaking.

1568
01:20:40,561 --> 01:20:42,721
Speaker 1: He didn't like it, but I was doing it. She's

1569
01:20:42,801 --> 01:20:48,601
Speaker 1: my kid and my daughter turned as my son was

1570
01:20:48,641 --> 01:20:54,680
Speaker 1: in the operating theater from a university. Money wasn't an object.

1571
01:20:54,761 --> 01:20:57,121
Speaker 1: She had money because I was sending him money. But

1572
01:20:57,201 --> 01:20:59,441
Speaker 1: the fact she came meant a lot to me, you know.

1573
01:21:00,401 --> 01:21:03,801
Speaker 1: And she hugged me and said, this might be the

1574
01:21:03,881 --> 01:21:06,241
Speaker 1: last time I see you. Don't done what you're going through.

1575
01:21:06,681 --> 01:21:08,161
Speaker 1: But I fear I'll be getting a knock on the

1576
01:21:08,161 --> 01:21:10,521
Speaker 1: door by the police because they're didn't tell me you're dead.

1577
01:21:11,721 --> 01:21:14,241
Speaker 1: It was almost like she talked those words into existence.

1578
01:21:14,321 --> 01:21:17,601
Speaker 1: I'll be honest with you, they're very haunting or it

1579
01:21:17,641 --> 01:21:19,441
Speaker 1: was a prediction. I don't know one or the other.

1580
01:21:19,561 --> 01:21:22,441
Speaker 1: But when I came out of hospital, she got a

1581
01:21:22,521 --> 01:21:24,761
Speaker 1: picture message from her dad saying I'm sorry, and the

1582
01:21:24,801 --> 01:21:27,241
Speaker 1: picture was of me asleep on a sofa. I didn't

1583
01:21:27,241 --> 01:21:29,801
Speaker 1: sleep because of the pillow being set on fire. I

1584
01:21:29,881 --> 01:21:33,081
Speaker 1: had insomnia. And she thought, this is odd. My mum

1585
01:21:33,121 --> 01:21:36,481
Speaker 1: never sleeps in the day, she's in a lecture theater.

1586
01:21:37,801 --> 01:21:42,201
Speaker 1: She gets this message and she's desperately in need of help.

1587
01:21:42,601 --> 01:21:45,041
Speaker 1: The other picture was of her brother slumped on her table,

1588
01:21:45,881 --> 01:21:48,481
Speaker 1: not in a normal fashion. So she knew that we

1589
01:21:48,481 --> 01:21:52,241
Speaker 1: were rather dead already or we were being killed. And

1590
01:21:52,321 --> 01:21:54,961
Speaker 1: she started to call me, not the police. She started

1591
01:21:54,961 --> 01:21:57,521
Speaker 1: to call me because no faith in the police. Again,

1592
01:21:58,681 --> 01:22:01,161
Speaker 1: and she called and called and called Nians and a

1593
01:22:01,241 --> 01:22:03,601
Speaker 1: n I sort of say hi with a really croaky voice.

1594
01:22:04,441 --> 01:22:06,081
Speaker 1: I said, I need a glass of water. Go into

1595
01:22:06,081 --> 01:22:08,521
Speaker 1: the kitchen, and he's turned the taps on. The whole

1596
01:22:08,561 --> 01:22:12,680
Speaker 1: house is full of gas. It's literally an explosion. Waiting table.

1597
01:22:12,961 --> 01:22:15,641
Speaker 1: People say, can you die like that? Well, we'd passed out.

1598
01:22:16,041 --> 01:22:18,361
Speaker 1: If we hadn't woken up, we would have never woken up.

1599
01:22:19,001 --> 01:22:21,121
Speaker 1: And I always say I gave her birth, I gave

1600
01:22:21,161 --> 01:22:23,601
Speaker 1: her life. She saved mine because she did. If she

1601
01:22:23,721 --> 01:22:25,921
Speaker 1: hadn't called me and called the police, and they took

1602
01:22:26,161 --> 01:22:28,481
Speaker 1: as long as they bloody take to come over, unless

1603
01:22:28,481 --> 01:22:32,601
Speaker 1: it's a parking fine, I wouldn't have been alive. We

1604
01:22:32,601 --> 01:22:34,961
Speaker 1: were removed really quickly. And when you've got twenty minutes

1605
01:22:35,001 --> 01:22:37,241
Speaker 1: to get out your house, you take the stupidest of things.

1606
01:22:38,241 --> 01:22:40,321
Speaker 1: You can't take your cards because you might track you.

1607
01:22:40,681 --> 01:22:43,361
Speaker 1: This is a very serious thing. Did he get charged. No?

1608
01:22:44,121 --> 01:22:45,681
Speaker 1: Did they ask me for on the press charge is? No?

1609
01:22:46,521 --> 01:22:51,121
Speaker 1: Was our safeguarded No? Was my son's safeguarded. No. I

1610
01:22:51,161 --> 01:22:55,041
Speaker 1: had non molestation orders given to me by a charity

1611
01:22:55,081 --> 01:22:57,041
Speaker 1: that got involved. But they weren't very good. They sent

1612
01:22:57,041 --> 01:22:59,481
Speaker 1: a very young girl out of university, no experience with

1613
01:22:59,721 --> 01:23:02,041
Speaker 1: domestic wine. It's just kept saying sorry, didn't know what

1614
01:23:02,081 --> 01:23:04,481
Speaker 1: to do, had to always call the office to find

1615
01:23:04,481 --> 01:23:07,161
Speaker 1: out what to do. Doesn't give you faith in that person.

1616
01:23:07,921 --> 01:23:12,201
Speaker 1: I had nobody. The place they placed me was not

1617
01:23:12,321 --> 01:23:16,041
Speaker 1: habitable for humans or even animals or anybody for that matter.

1618
01:23:16,441 --> 01:23:19,561
Speaker 1: The walls were covered with human feces. The carpet was

1619
01:23:19,641 --> 01:23:22,361
Speaker 1: sodden with urine. It's some real stench that gets to

1620
01:23:22,401 --> 01:23:25,761
Speaker 1: the back of your throat. And I was expected to

1621
01:23:25,801 --> 01:23:29,001
Speaker 1: live there with no bedding, no food, no money, didn't

1622
01:23:29,001 --> 01:23:30,561
Speaker 1: know how to use a gas meter. I'm sorry to

1623
01:23:30,601 --> 01:23:32,281
Speaker 1: have to say this, but I was privileged not to

1624
01:23:32,321 --> 01:23:35,401
Speaker 1: have to need that. Suddenly I'm putting money on this

1625
01:23:35,641 --> 01:23:38,161
Speaker 1: because someone's lending me money and then putting it in,

1626
01:23:38,201 --> 01:23:40,201
Speaker 1: and it's going because the last people have left a debt.

1627
01:23:40,361 --> 01:23:43,081
Speaker 1: I didn't even know that was a thing. I once

1628
01:23:43,121 --> 01:23:44,881
Speaker 1: had five pence and I said to myself, you can

1629
01:23:44,921 --> 01:23:47,521
Speaker 1: I either have food or heat. He said I want

1630
01:23:47,521 --> 01:23:49,721
Speaker 1: a pizza, and I'm like, I'm going to give him

1631
01:23:49,721 --> 01:23:54,201
Speaker 1: what he wants. Stupidly, we had cold water. He's been sick,

1632
01:23:54,401 --> 01:23:58,321
Speaker 1: call even clean him. I won't wish this upon anyone.

1633
01:23:58,441 --> 01:24:03,481
Speaker 1: And then I become homeless because on paper I'm a millionaire.

1634
01:24:04,601 --> 01:24:08,081
Speaker 1: I can't help you. Social services can't help you, you

1635
01:24:08,121 --> 01:24:11,800
Speaker 1: can't claim benefits. But I don't have access to money.

1636
01:24:12,281 --> 01:24:14,081
Speaker 1: A lot of my money is in bricks and more

1637
01:24:14,121 --> 01:24:17,401
Speaker 1: to all machinery that's worth two hundred and fifty pounds

1638
01:24:17,481 --> 01:24:20,401
Speaker 1: a piece. I can't just sell it. I can't go

1639
01:24:20,441 --> 01:24:23,880
Speaker 1: because he will attack me. He's changed the lots on everything. Anyway,

1640
01:24:24,681 --> 01:24:28,441
Speaker 1: I need support. I ended up getting enough money to

1641
01:24:28,801 --> 01:24:32,721
Speaker 1: rent a place, and I was forced to move out everywhere.

1642
01:24:32,721 --> 01:24:35,041
Speaker 1: I'd know you in my area, and you've moved different countries,

1643
01:24:35,081 --> 01:24:37,401
Speaker 1: so you know how daunting it can be just to

1644
01:24:37,441 --> 01:24:40,720
Speaker 1: move from what used to another beacau. Suddenly you don't

1645
01:24:40,761 --> 01:24:45,281
Speaker 1: know anyone, and suddenly the familiarity is that comfort. But

1646
01:24:45,361 --> 01:24:47,921
Speaker 1: stepping out of that comfort zone was probably the best

1647
01:24:47,921 --> 01:24:50,161
Speaker 1: thing I did for myself. At fifty, I stood on

1648
01:24:50,601 --> 01:24:53,441
Speaker 1: a grass garden because I loved the country and I

1649
01:24:53,441 --> 01:24:58,201
Speaker 1: had to find an area in sorry that I felt

1650
01:24:58,201 --> 01:25:01,680
Speaker 1: I deserved, because we build our lives on what we deserve.

1651
01:25:01,801 --> 01:25:04,121
Speaker 1: If I'd gone from one bedroom flat, like everyone told me,

1652
01:25:05,361 --> 01:25:06,961
Speaker 1: I probably want to have got out of that one bedroom

1653
01:25:06,961 --> 01:25:09,961
Speaker 1: flat and I would have lived, probably really miserably. I

1654
01:25:10,041 --> 01:25:16,121
Speaker 1: learned how to forgive, I learned how to heal. I

1655
01:25:16,201 --> 01:25:19,201
Speaker 1: learned how I can now go and help a young

1656
01:25:19,361 --> 01:25:22,761
Speaker 1: six year old girl. I learned how I could help

1657
01:25:22,761 --> 01:25:26,720
Speaker 1: a woman a man who's thinking they're nothing, they're nobody.

1658
01:25:27,321 --> 01:25:29,161
Speaker 1: And the best thing I learned how to help somebody

1659
01:25:29,201 --> 01:25:32,201
Speaker 1: when they're knocked down to get back up, because life

1660
01:25:32,321 --> 01:25:35,321
Speaker 1: always gets us to be locked down. The one thing

1661
01:25:35,321 --> 01:25:37,601
Speaker 1: that really spared me on to speak out was my

1662
01:25:37,681 --> 01:25:40,920
Speaker 1: sister that I didn't know I had. When I was homeless,

1663
01:25:40,921 --> 01:25:43,800
Speaker 1: the police came to find me. They wanted a character

1664
01:25:43,881 --> 01:25:47,481
Speaker 1: reference for my father. I thought they were going to

1665
01:25:47,521 --> 01:25:50,921
Speaker 1: help me press charges for my abuse, but they said

1666
01:25:50,961 --> 01:25:54,761
Speaker 1: it was all about a girl. I recently found out.

1667
01:25:54,801 --> 01:26:03,641
Speaker 1: Her name's Julia. She'll be about fifteen now. But when

1668
01:26:03,641 --> 01:26:06,521
Speaker 1: she was six, my father had an affair with her mother,

1669
01:26:06,601 --> 01:26:10,281
Speaker 1: who's Polish, and when she was six, because she was

1670
01:26:10,321 --> 01:26:13,241
Speaker 1: born a girl and people starting to find out about

1671
01:26:13,241 --> 01:26:17,561
Speaker 1: her and the shame, my father abducted her. He took

1672
01:26:17,561 --> 01:26:21,561
Speaker 1: her by force and he sold her to human traffickers

1673
01:26:21,561 --> 01:26:24,481
Speaker 1: in India. The police tried to go and get her

1674
01:26:24,521 --> 01:26:27,961
Speaker 1: from the said school that she's in. The school is

1675
01:26:28,001 --> 01:26:32,441
Speaker 1: protected by the politicians because it's called a religious school,

1676
01:26:32,441 --> 01:26:35,081
Speaker 1: but religion has nothing to do with it because organ

1677
01:26:35,161 --> 01:26:38,561
Speaker 1: harvesting is one of the biggest businesses in India. I

1678
01:26:38,641 --> 01:26:41,561
Speaker 1: realized he did it because he felt he could get

1679
01:26:41,561 --> 01:26:44,081
Speaker 1: away with it. He got away with what he did

1680
01:26:44,121 --> 01:26:46,081
Speaker 1: to me. I didn't hold him accountable in the guilt

1681
01:26:46,201 --> 01:26:49,201
Speaker 1: was pretty heavy, I'll be honest. I just kept seeing

1682
01:26:49,241 --> 01:26:53,281
Speaker 1: this little innocent face being dragged to different airports, which

1683
01:26:53,321 --> 01:26:57,241
Speaker 1: is what he did. Security, not stopping them, not asking

1684
01:26:57,281 --> 01:26:59,561
Speaker 1: the questions because they just want to go home. They're

1685
01:26:59,601 --> 01:27:01,481
Speaker 1: looking at the time that they're going to get off,

1686
01:27:01,881 --> 01:27:05,561
Speaker 1: and that I knew if one person said something again,

1687
01:27:05,641 --> 01:27:07,041
Speaker 1: like I said, you know, when there's a kid in

1688
01:27:07,161 --> 01:27:11,561
Speaker 1: supermarket crying, just ha said something that she might not

1689
01:27:11,641 --> 01:27:16,041
Speaker 1: have been taken. I started working with kids that have

1690
01:27:16,121 --> 01:27:19,641
Speaker 1: been trafficked because when they come back they're lost. Started

1691
01:27:19,641 --> 01:27:24,441
Speaker 1: working with other nonprofits as their ambassador, because often kids

1692
01:27:24,481 --> 01:27:26,760
Speaker 1: are found but they can't even remember where they're from.

1693
01:27:28,441 --> 01:27:31,561
Speaker 1: They can't be sent home. Sorry, so they're kept in

1694
01:27:31,561 --> 01:27:35,521
Speaker 1: this charity where they're raised, but they don't even know

1695
01:27:35,521 --> 01:27:38,561
Speaker 1: who they are. And I said I would speak out

1696
01:27:38,601 --> 01:27:42,921
Speaker 1: for her, but also for all of the other children that.

1697
01:27:47,281 --> 01:27:50,921
Speaker 2: Sorry, take your time.

1698
01:27:50,081 --> 01:27:55,481
Speaker 1: Children that suffered like I did. I am. I felt

1699
01:27:55,481 --> 01:27:58,800
Speaker 1: like I didn't have a big sister or a mother figure,

1700
01:27:58,841 --> 01:28:01,081
Speaker 1: and I would be that mother figure to everyone to

1701
01:28:01,561 --> 01:28:04,801
Speaker 1: love them and to fight for them. I said, I

1702
01:28:04,801 --> 01:28:07,201
Speaker 1: would two hundred messages to the world not really knowing

1703
01:28:07,201 --> 01:28:10,281
Speaker 1: what I'm doing, and I did. I started off, and

1704
01:28:10,321 --> 01:28:14,121
Speaker 1: nobody would give me a podcast or let me come on.

1705
01:28:14,201 --> 01:28:17,321
Speaker 1: People would say it's too much a way to be subject.

1706
01:28:17,401 --> 01:28:21,361
Speaker 1: It's distressing. Some people even recorded the podcast and never

1707
01:28:21,441 --> 01:28:24,401
Speaker 1: put them out. They told me they'd lost the footage.

1708
01:28:24,481 --> 01:28:26,961
Speaker 1: But I got a bit of a break when I

1709
01:28:27,001 --> 01:28:29,521
Speaker 1: was asked to do a Ted talk. I don't know

1710
01:28:29,561 --> 01:28:31,921
Speaker 1: if you've watched it, but it's called There's No Honor

1711
01:28:31,961 --> 01:28:35,841
Speaker 1: in Killing. I am emotional in it because it matters

1712
01:28:35,961 --> 01:28:38,241
Speaker 1: too much to me In it. I say that we

1713
01:28:38,321 --> 01:28:41,041
Speaker 1: need to go to the United Nations. We need to

1714
01:28:41,081 --> 01:28:43,201
Speaker 1: go to the police, We need to go to teachers

1715
01:28:43,201 --> 01:28:45,760
Speaker 1: to say where do these children go when they go missing?

1716
01:28:45,961 --> 01:28:48,961
Speaker 1: So many children go missing when they get to a

1717
01:28:49,001 --> 01:28:52,601
Speaker 1: certain age, but nobody questions it. No one questions parents.

1718
01:28:52,601 --> 01:28:55,880
Speaker 1: And if there is abuse, please go straight to the parents.

1719
01:28:56,041 --> 01:28:58,321
Speaker 1: And the parents are the ones in control of the abuse.

1720
01:28:59,201 --> 01:29:03,121
Speaker 1: So parents are then forced to take further action and

1721
01:29:03,121 --> 01:29:08,041
Speaker 1: the girls are often killed, taken and killed. I said

1722
01:29:08,041 --> 01:29:11,680
Speaker 1: I wanted to get to the United Nations because nobody

1723
01:29:11,761 --> 01:29:17,641
Speaker 1: from the forced marriage environment or somebody talking about such

1724
01:29:17,761 --> 01:29:21,121
Speaker 1: matters that as a survivor, has ever gone, They've been

1725
01:29:21,241 --> 01:29:24,601
Speaker 1: very far in few British nonprofits that have ever gone

1726
01:29:24,641 --> 01:29:27,800
Speaker 1: to the United Nations talking about the things I talk about,

1727
01:29:27,841 --> 01:29:30,481
Speaker 1: and those that may have gone have never really been

1728
01:29:30,641 --> 01:29:34,161
Speaker 1: a survivor themselves. This year I was invited as a

1729
01:29:34,161 --> 01:29:38,241
Speaker 1: delegate to go in March to the CSW twenty four,

1730
01:29:38,321 --> 01:29:41,760
Speaker 1: which is a conference for poverty and how it affects

1731
01:29:41,801 --> 01:29:45,121
Speaker 1: women and how women are treated because they are born

1732
01:29:45,321 --> 01:29:49,001
Speaker 1: a girl. So I'm very privileged. But I'm one of

1733
01:29:49,001 --> 01:29:51,041
Speaker 1: those people if someone gives me an arm, I want more,

1734
01:29:51,761 --> 01:29:55,921
Speaker 1: not for me, I want more for everyone else. And

1735
01:29:55,961 --> 01:29:57,801
Speaker 1: I asked if I could have my first event there

1736
01:29:57,881 --> 01:30:00,921
Speaker 1: for my charity. It's been running for a year. Since

1737
01:30:00,961 --> 01:30:04,521
Speaker 1: I started my charity. I went viral in February last

1738
01:30:04,641 --> 01:30:09,641
Speaker 1: year and that video went to twenty three million in

1739
01:30:09,721 --> 01:30:13,641
Speaker 1: three weeks and now it's touching sixty because being reshared

1740
01:30:13,681 --> 01:30:16,321
Speaker 1: and reshared. And when you say million, it doesn't sound

1741
01:30:16,321 --> 01:30:19,361
Speaker 1: a lot, but when you look at so many countries

1742
01:30:19,521 --> 01:30:22,401
Speaker 1: have a population of about five million, you know, and

1743
01:30:22,441 --> 01:30:25,041
Speaker 1: I've managed to reach that many people. I'm the first

1744
01:30:25,081 --> 01:30:29,201
Speaker 1: person that has not given up and has spoken and

1745
01:30:29,241 --> 01:30:31,800
Speaker 1: spoken and spoken and often, like I say, cut myself

1746
01:30:31,881 --> 01:30:35,680
Speaker 1: open so that others are able to heal, to get

1747
01:30:35,721 --> 01:30:39,720
Speaker 1: this message across, and the message of honor killings is global.

1748
01:30:40,081 --> 01:30:43,121
Speaker 1: People know. I don't need them to remember my name.

1749
01:30:43,201 --> 01:30:45,521
Speaker 1: It's not an easy name to remember. I don't need

1750
01:30:45,521 --> 01:30:47,801
Speaker 1: them to remember. What I need them to remember is

1751
01:30:47,841 --> 01:30:51,961
Speaker 1: the message how a person feels, why they don't speak out,

1752
01:30:52,401 --> 01:30:55,800
Speaker 1: and more importantly, what they can do. I was trending

1753
01:30:55,881 --> 01:31:00,681
Speaker 1: number one in Australia at Christmas and I had so

1754
01:31:00,721 --> 01:31:04,081
Speaker 1: many messages from victims as well. But a lot of

1755
01:31:04,121 --> 01:31:06,800
Speaker 1: people are messaging me saying we took one message away

1756
01:31:06,801 --> 01:31:10,481
Speaker 1: from your podcast, which was to ask to say what

1757
01:31:10,521 --> 01:31:12,921
Speaker 1: can we do? Because if you say to somebody are

1758
01:31:12,921 --> 01:31:16,321
Speaker 1: you okay? The immediate reaction is yeah, I'm fine. I'm

1759
01:31:16,361 --> 01:31:19,161
Speaker 1: sure your mum's asked are you okay and she would say, yeah,

1760
01:31:19,161 --> 01:31:22,281
Speaker 1: I'm good. But if you say what can I do

1761
01:31:22,401 --> 01:31:26,481
Speaker 1: to help you, it's a totally different thing. Is there

1762
01:31:26,481 --> 01:31:30,441
Speaker 1: anything I can do? Words are so impactful. So I'm

1763
01:31:30,481 --> 01:31:32,641
Speaker 1: going to the United Nations this year and I'm really

1764
01:31:32,641 --> 01:31:35,161
Speaker 1: proud of myself as the first person to be there,

1765
01:31:35,481 --> 01:31:38,721
Speaker 1: but I'm taking other people. Thank you. I believe that

1766
01:31:38,761 --> 01:31:40,521
Speaker 1: you've got to take other people with you. I'm one

1767
01:31:40,521 --> 01:31:42,521
Speaker 1: of those people that will miss the elevator going back

1768
01:31:42,561 --> 01:31:44,721
Speaker 1: up because I'm filling it up with everyone else. But

1769
01:31:44,801 --> 01:31:46,641
Speaker 1: I want people to take a message from that that

1770
01:31:47,201 --> 01:31:50,920
Speaker 1: we need to work together. Because I'm doing this sometimes alone.

1771
01:31:51,641 --> 01:31:54,481
Speaker 1: But if I have this message coming from your mouth,

1772
01:31:54,561 --> 01:31:56,921
Speaker 1: from the people that are listening, if they're talking about

1773
01:31:56,961 --> 01:31:58,561
Speaker 1: it down the pub, if they're talking about it over

1774
01:31:58,561 --> 01:32:01,561
Speaker 1: a barbecue, if they're talking about it at work, if

1775
01:32:01,561 --> 01:32:04,361
Speaker 1: they're talking about it in their staff rooms, think about

1776
01:32:04,401 --> 01:32:08,161
Speaker 1: the impact we can all have collectively. You know, I

1777
01:32:08,281 --> 01:32:11,521
Speaker 1: know that there are millions of other Ninas living my

1778
01:32:11,561 --> 01:32:14,241
Speaker 1: old life, and I don't want that. I want everyone

1779
01:32:14,281 --> 01:32:16,641
Speaker 1: to find this love that I found for me, because

1780
01:32:16,641 --> 01:32:18,801
Speaker 1: when I discovered it, standing on that grasp, that was

1781
01:32:19,401 --> 01:32:22,921
Speaker 1: such a breakthrough. I didn't think I would feel the

1782
01:32:22,961 --> 01:32:25,321
Speaker 1: way I do. I'm so in love with mean and

1783
01:32:25,641 --> 01:32:28,321
Speaker 1: non egotistical way. But I'm in love with you. I'm

1784
01:32:28,361 --> 01:32:31,001
Speaker 1: in love with every human being. I'm in love with

1785
01:32:31,121 --> 01:32:34,161
Speaker 1: the small things in life that people miss, the little

1786
01:32:34,201 --> 01:32:37,641
Speaker 1: things not walking on eggshells, not having to explain myself

1787
01:32:37,681 --> 01:32:40,361
Speaker 1: all the time, being able to extend a smile to

1788
01:32:40,361 --> 01:32:43,521
Speaker 1: somebody when they missed a hug, you know. And I

1789
01:32:43,561 --> 01:32:47,881
Speaker 1: have this innate way of knowing people's pain without knowing it,

1790
01:32:48,281 --> 01:32:51,321
Speaker 1: and that's my education that I was talking about earlier.

1791
01:32:52,121 --> 01:32:54,121
Speaker 1: I'm able to give so much from all of that,

1792
01:32:54,201 --> 01:32:57,361
Speaker 1: and I can sit and say I've lived a horrible

1793
01:32:57,401 --> 01:33:01,361
Speaker 1: life and stay in that mentality, but being a mindset coach,

1794
01:33:01,401 --> 01:33:03,361
Speaker 1: I'm not going to do that because life is so

1795
01:33:03,401 --> 01:33:04,881
Speaker 1: beautiful and I want everyone to live it the way

1796
01:33:04,921 --> 01:33:06,161
Speaker 1: I really do.

1797
01:33:07,081 --> 01:33:10,161
Speaker 2: Wow. Well put, I've read you know what you know,

1798
01:33:10,521 --> 01:33:15,601
Speaker 2: I've I've done a lot of podcasts and I've got

1799
01:33:15,641 --> 01:33:19,401
Speaker 2: to say this one has intrigued me so much. And

1800
01:33:19,481 --> 01:33:24,881
Speaker 2: I've really loved listening to your story and you explaining

1801
01:33:24,921 --> 01:33:29,401
Speaker 2: it because it's you've come You've it's one hell of

1802
01:33:29,401 --> 01:33:33,321
Speaker 2: a journey you've gone through and I've really I've sat

1803
01:33:33,361 --> 01:33:37,720
Speaker 2: here tonight and really really took it all in and

1804
01:33:39,801 --> 01:33:43,241
Speaker 2: I'm gobsmacked to what you've gone through. It's like a movie.

1805
01:33:44,281 --> 01:33:47,241
Speaker 2: But I'm so glad that you came on to explain it.

1806
01:33:47,681 --> 01:33:49,921
Speaker 2: And now I can share your story with everyone in

1807
01:33:49,961 --> 01:33:53,800
Speaker 2: Australia and hopefully around the world who listens to my podcast,

1808
01:33:53,801 --> 01:33:57,321
Speaker 2: because it's an amazing story.

1809
01:33:57,521 --> 01:33:59,921
Speaker 1: Thank you. I do want to let everyone know I'm okay.

1810
01:34:00,201 --> 01:34:01,841
Speaker 1: People are concerned, and I do get a lot of

1811
01:34:01,841 --> 01:34:04,481
Speaker 1: messages saying I cried, I can't sleep for days. I

1812
01:34:04,481 --> 01:34:06,641
Speaker 1: don't want people think that or do that. Don't put

1813
01:34:06,641 --> 01:34:10,921
Speaker 1: that upon yourself. I do this for educational purposes more

1814
01:34:10,921 --> 01:34:11,521
Speaker 1: than anything.

1815
01:34:11,921 --> 01:34:12,121
Speaker 2: You know.

1816
01:34:12,281 --> 01:34:14,201
Speaker 1: I said I won't do any more podcasts. You know that,

1817
01:34:14,281 --> 01:34:16,481
Speaker 1: and I won't be doing any more on this subject.

1818
01:34:17,401 --> 01:34:19,481
Speaker 1: It's hard telling my story. I want people to know

1819
01:34:19,481 --> 01:34:21,481
Speaker 1: where I am now, the things I'm doing now, what

1820
01:34:21,601 --> 01:34:23,561
Speaker 1: my charity is doing. My charity is called end on

1821
01:34:23,641 --> 01:34:26,680
Speaker 1: a Killings. It doesn't mean you have to be South Asian.

1822
01:34:26,721 --> 01:34:28,841
Speaker 1: If you are in pain, if you're a man, woman,

1823
01:34:28,921 --> 01:34:31,681
Speaker 1: a child, whoever you are, you're not alone because you

1824
01:34:31,801 --> 01:34:34,521
Speaker 1: feel so alone in that moment, when you were that

1825
01:34:34,601 --> 01:34:37,081
Speaker 1: kid watching that abuse your mum was going through, you

1826
01:34:37,121 --> 01:34:40,121
Speaker 1: would have cuddled up and felt very alone. You didn't

1827
01:34:40,161 --> 01:34:42,681
Speaker 1: have that hand, and I am that hand now for

1828
01:34:42,761 --> 01:34:45,641
Speaker 1: others to say I've got you, let me help you.

1829
01:34:46,201 --> 01:34:50,001
Speaker 1: Every message I answer personally, no, bots. I don't want

1830
01:34:50,041 --> 01:34:52,001
Speaker 1: to be that and I don't want to be somebody

1831
01:34:52,041 --> 01:34:55,441
Speaker 1: who's not authentic. People ask for help one time. Normally

1832
01:34:55,561 --> 01:34:57,241
Speaker 1: then they won't ask, or they take a long time

1833
01:34:57,281 --> 01:35:01,001
Speaker 1: to reask. I believe I survived. I believe they couldn't

1834
01:35:01,081 --> 01:35:04,281
Speaker 1: kill me. I believe I was not killed for this purpose.

1835
01:35:05,081 --> 01:35:07,801
Speaker 1: So I could take away that pain from others. I

1836
01:35:07,881 --> 01:35:12,161
Speaker 1: want that. And if anybody knows anyone suffering, please redirect

1837
01:35:12,161 --> 01:35:14,961
Speaker 1: them to my nonprofit. The nonprofit is best because my

1838
01:35:15,001 --> 01:35:17,361
Speaker 1: in boxes get so full I can't see. But if

1839
01:35:17,401 --> 01:35:19,241
Speaker 1: you send a message on contact me, we can do

1840
01:35:19,321 --> 01:35:22,881
Speaker 1: what we can. And you know what, everything's possible. Someone

1841
01:35:22,881 --> 01:35:24,681
Speaker 1: in Pakistan contact to me, and I thought, how am

1842
01:35:24,681 --> 01:35:27,041
Speaker 1: I going to help her? She sent me pictures of herself.

1843
01:35:27,041 --> 01:35:28,961
Speaker 1: She had bruises from head to toe. She sent me

1844
01:35:29,041 --> 01:35:31,401
Speaker 1: pictures of her son. His whole face he was five.

1845
01:35:31,641 --> 01:35:34,041
Speaker 1: His whole face here was swallen because of the impact

1846
01:35:34,081 --> 01:35:38,680
Speaker 1: of the father's beating. I found a human rights lawyer.

1847
01:35:39,241 --> 01:35:42,281
Speaker 1: She was taken away and she's now started her life again.

1848
01:35:43,561 --> 01:35:46,720
Speaker 1: I have children that contact me all the time because

1849
01:35:46,761 --> 01:35:49,041
Speaker 1: they're going to be forced into something or another. We

1850
01:35:49,121 --> 01:35:52,801
Speaker 1: do extractions now my nonprofit. I put myself at risk

1851
01:35:52,841 --> 01:35:56,281
Speaker 1: because it's worth it. I asked the uncomfortable conversations. I

1852
01:35:56,361 --> 01:35:59,721
Speaker 1: have these uncomfortable conversations. I ask uncomfortable questions because it

1853
01:35:59,721 --> 01:36:02,721
Speaker 1: can make a huge difference to someone's life. And you know,

1854
01:36:02,801 --> 01:36:04,401
Speaker 1: if you're going through a tough time, or if you've

1855
01:36:04,401 --> 01:36:06,761
Speaker 1: been through a tough time, don't compare. I get a

1856
01:36:06,801 --> 01:36:09,641
Speaker 1: lot of also a lot of messages saying, well, I

1857
01:36:09,641 --> 01:36:11,241
Speaker 1: didn't go through what you went through, but I went

1858
01:36:11,281 --> 01:36:14,441
Speaker 1: through this. Pain hurts. You can be punched in the

1859
01:36:14,681 --> 01:36:16,401
Speaker 1: face or punched in the stomach. It's going to hurt.

1860
01:36:16,801 --> 01:36:19,361
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter if it's repeated. It still hurts, and

1861
01:36:19,401 --> 01:36:23,441
Speaker 1: you should never minimize it. Never you have to stand

1862
01:36:23,481 --> 01:36:27,361
Speaker 1: in that painful place. As I said to Heal, we

1863
01:36:27,401 --> 01:36:29,921
Speaker 1: do a free coaching call every month. I'm going to

1864
01:36:29,961 --> 01:36:32,561
Speaker 1: start doing different time zones because I realized I'm not

1865
01:36:32,641 --> 01:36:36,201
Speaker 1: covering your time zone. But we do get a lot

1866
01:36:36,201 --> 01:36:39,641
Speaker 1: of Americans come on and it's free to all. Anybody

1867
01:36:39,641 --> 01:36:41,801
Speaker 1: can come and I can help them, you know, I

1868
01:36:41,841 --> 01:36:45,521
Speaker 1: can help them almost address the mind and how it's working,

1869
01:36:45,601 --> 01:36:50,521
Speaker 1: to have likely shuffle, to rethink things differently, give yourselves

1870
01:36:50,521 --> 01:36:52,681
Speaker 1: a break. You know, we're tough on ourselves. We need

1871
01:36:52,721 --> 01:36:54,561
Speaker 1: to start loving ourselves just a little bit more.

1872
01:36:55,201 --> 01:36:57,801
Speaker 2: Well, thank you very much for coming on. Nina. It

1873
01:36:59,121 --> 01:37:02,321
Speaker 2: was a very interesting story and as I said, I

1874
01:37:02,321 --> 01:37:04,961
Speaker 2: can't wait to share this when it comes out.

1875
01:37:05,041 --> 01:37:06,441
Speaker 1: It can I just ask one more thing? So I'm

1876
01:37:06,481 --> 01:37:12,441
Speaker 1: not good at asking apparently I've had over probably all

1877
01:37:12,481 --> 01:37:15,601
Speaker 1: in all, about eighty to ninety million people watch all

1878
01:37:15,641 --> 01:37:19,121
Speaker 1: of my videos. If I had one penny or one

1879
01:37:19,201 --> 01:37:21,521
Speaker 1: cent or one dime from these people, I can make

1880
01:37:21,521 --> 01:37:24,001
Speaker 1: a huge difference. The thing is, I've had so many

1881
01:37:24,001 --> 01:37:26,921
Speaker 1: people coming in. I'm self funded and I am a

1882
01:37:26,961 --> 01:37:29,601
Speaker 1: mindset coach, but only goes so far. I don't want

1883
01:37:29,601 --> 01:37:31,721
Speaker 1: to have to turn anybody away. So this year is

1884
01:37:31,721 --> 01:37:34,481
Speaker 1: about asking as well. So if somebody can even donate

1885
01:37:34,601 --> 01:37:37,841
Speaker 1: what they would normally spend on a cup of coffee collectively, again,

1886
01:37:37,921 --> 01:37:39,521
Speaker 1: like I said, it would make a huge difference,