1 00:00:02,320 --> 00:00:04,040 Speaker 1: Get a thanks for listening to the show. You might 2 00:00:04,040 --> 00:00:07,240 Speaker 1: be driving while they're listening to this. You also might 3 00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:08,920 Speaker 1: be I don't know, you might be doing some work 4 00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:11,959 Speaker 1: around the house. You might be working out Those are 5 00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:14,000 Speaker 1: three things I normally do and on podcasting, Oh my godning. 6 00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:17,680 Speaker 1: But anyway, let me run an idea past you. When 7 00:00:17,720 --> 00:00:20,160 Speaker 1: that person up ahead of you in the right turn 8 00:00:20,239 --> 00:00:24,319 Speaker 1: only lane suddenly puts on their blanket like way too late, 9 00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:26,520 Speaker 1: and then starts to come across into the over the 10 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:29,240 Speaker 1: solid line into your going straight ahead lane. I mean, 11 00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:31,240 Speaker 1: they're now kind of pushing things in. They're making things 12 00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:33,280 Speaker 1: a bit dangerous. You've got to get on the anchors. 13 00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:34,879 Speaker 1: Now you're going to miss the green light. They're going 14 00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:38,479 Speaker 1: to go through it. What are your thoughts about that person? 15 00:00:39,479 --> 00:00:42,000 Speaker 1: What are your thoughts about them? What about this one? 16 00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:44,840 Speaker 1: You're around the house, are getting things tidied up, getting 17 00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:47,320 Speaker 1: things squared away. Then you come upon the recycling bin 18 00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:51,519 Speaker 1: which is overflowing, and you distinctly recall asking your partner 19 00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:55,400 Speaker 1: to empty that yesterday, and now there's like this gnger 20 00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:57,880 Speaker 1: kind of crash of jam jars and plastic packets all 21 00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:01,320 Speaker 1: over the joint. What are your thoughts about that person. 22 00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:09,160 Speaker 1: I'm going to speculate in both instances they're not positive thoughts. However, 23 00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:11,920 Speaker 1: do you realize what's happening with your judgment about the 24 00:01:11,959 --> 00:01:15,160 Speaker 1: other person. That is one of the core thinking biases 25 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:18,600 Speaker 1: which can not only destroy relationships, it can also lead 26 00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:23,120 Speaker 1: to unnecessary and possibly dangerous conflict when it comes to strangers. Luckily, 27 00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:25,120 Speaker 1: it is one of the things that once you know 28 00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:27,000 Speaker 1: about not once you know it's there, you can actually 29 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:30,520 Speaker 1: actively start to work on it and change things around. 30 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:33,000 Speaker 1: And that's what we're going to talk about on the 31 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:41,759 Speaker 1: other side of this break. Good day, Thanks so much 32 00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:44,280 Speaker 1: for listening, Thanks for being here. This is better than yesterday, 33 00:01:44,319 --> 00:01:47,800 Speaker 1: making it better. Every single episode since twenty thirteen, twice 34 00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:50,360 Speaker 1: a week, something you hear on this show is guaranteed 35 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:52,560 Speaker 1: to make you with that today better than yesterday. That's 36 00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:54,880 Speaker 1: what we do, the one job we have. My name's 37 00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:57,360 Speaker 1: Losha Ginsburg. I'm glad you're here. Just very quickly at 38 00:01:57,360 --> 00:02:00,080 Speaker 1: the top here, please save the date in Sydney, The 39 00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:03,000 Speaker 1: Next Story Club shows of the sixth of July at 40 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:05,160 Speaker 1: the Factory Theater in Marrickville. We're doing on on the 41 00:02:05,240 --> 00:02:08,320 Speaker 1: thirtieth of May up in the Central Coast. But the 42 00:02:08,360 --> 00:02:10,680 Speaker 1: next in any one is the sixth of the July 43 00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:12,519 Speaker 1: at the factory in Marrickville. You can get on the 44 00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:15,160 Speaker 1: substack for that. Link is in the show notes. And 45 00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:18,400 Speaker 1: most importantly, this Thursday, I need you to keep your 46 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:23,760 Speaker 1: eyes on the Instagram and the TikTok feeds. I'm going 47 00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:27,240 Speaker 1: to announce the title of the next book. I'm going 48 00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:29,359 Speaker 1: to show you the cover for the next book. I'm 49 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:31,280 Speaker 1: going to tell you the artist that I'm working with 50 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:35,040 Speaker 1: on the next book, and some very exciting things happening 51 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:40,720 Speaker 1: around what's happening with the next book, including a live tour, 52 00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:43,680 Speaker 1: but I cannot tell you now. I can only tell 53 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:46,280 Speaker 1: you on Thursday. Gosh, I want to tell you so 54 00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:48,320 Speaker 1: much more. Don't worry, like I'm going to talk about 55 00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:50,880 Speaker 1: it a lot in the coming weeks. But yeah, letting 56 00:02:50,919 --> 00:02:54,519 Speaker 1: you know Thursdays today. Get on the substack. You find 57 00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:56,440 Speaker 1: the link in the show notes for war and follow 58 00:02:56,520 --> 00:03:00,320 Speaker 1: us along on the gram for more details. Right, so, 59 00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:03,200 Speaker 1: just before I was describing two moments when in traffic, 60 00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:07,600 Speaker 1: one in your house, and they involved other people. They 61 00:03:07,639 --> 00:03:10,440 Speaker 1: involved other people in a whole heap of judgment about them. 62 00:03:10,639 --> 00:03:14,760 Speaker 1: To kind of explain what happened, and it can be 63 00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:19,480 Speaker 1: incredibly upsetting for us in those moments, because not only 64 00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:22,000 Speaker 1: are we dealing with you know, are upset at that 65 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:23,480 Speaker 1: person who jumped to the lane or the person who 66 00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:25,600 Speaker 1: didn't need you the bin, but also we've got to 67 00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:28,840 Speaker 1: wrestle with the kind of people we are because we 68 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:31,760 Speaker 1: allow ourselves to live either in the same neighborhood as 69 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:33,320 Speaker 1: a person who does something like that. We might share 70 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:34,800 Speaker 1: a bed with a person who am I that I 71 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:37,600 Speaker 1: share a bed with a person like this? What could 72 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:40,960 Speaker 1: be going on here? So let's explore the situation on 73 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:43,440 Speaker 1: the road. First. You're on the highway. You're listening to 74 00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:45,680 Speaker 1: your favorite podcast. You're nodding along, going yeah, that's right, 75 00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:47,240 Speaker 1: that's good. I'm looking forward to Thursday. If wont out 76 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:50,800 Speaker 1: about that book, the car ahead cuts you off. Don't 77 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:53,240 Speaker 1: even indicate maybe it's unexpected, it's dangerous. You might have 78 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:55,800 Speaker 1: kids in the car. Your blood boils. You think, what 79 00:03:55,880 --> 00:04:00,720 Speaker 1: a self centered, inconsiderate prick. You might think that if 80 00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:03,040 Speaker 1: the kids aren't there, you might say it. Now. What 81 00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:08,000 Speaker 1: you're experiencing is the single largest contributor to unhealthy relationships, 82 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:11,360 Speaker 1: both inside and outside of our homes, and there's striding 83 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:15,000 Speaker 1: strong evidence that links this thinking pattern to an ancient 84 00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:17,760 Speaker 1: survival instinct. So, for a start, if it happens, go 85 00:04:17,839 --> 00:04:20,479 Speaker 1: easy on yourself, because it's something that happens to every 86 00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:24,360 Speaker 1: single one of us, and thankfully there is a way 87 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:25,839 Speaker 1: that once we're aware of it, we can have a 88 00:04:25,839 --> 00:04:27,719 Speaker 1: better chance of going through our day without being so 89 00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:31,160 Speaker 1: annoyed at everyone and everything. It's good to name it, 90 00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:33,400 Speaker 1: so let's name it. What is happening here is called 91 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:39,080 Speaker 1: the fundamental attribution error. This happens when we attribute our 92 00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:44,039 Speaker 1: behavior to situational factors, yet we attribute others' behavior to 93 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:48,680 Speaker 1: their character or their personality, usually negative aspects of both. 94 00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:52,080 Speaker 1: When someone else stuffs up, we blame it on them 95 00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:57,320 Speaker 1: a flaw in their personality, horrendous effective character, they're mean, 96 00:04:57,440 --> 00:05:00,680 Speaker 1: they're lazy, they don't care. But when it's I know 97 00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:05,000 Speaker 1: it's all about our circumstances. I actually named this thinking 98 00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:06,560 Speaker 1: trap for myself so I could notice it when it 99 00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:08,839 Speaker 1: shows up in me a lot easier, And simply put, 100 00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:13,280 Speaker 1: I have reasons, You have excuses, And if you find 101 00:05:13,279 --> 00:05:16,720 Speaker 1: yourself kind of going oh yeah, I recognize that it's 102 00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:19,280 Speaker 1: important to know where it comes from. So for a start, 103 00:05:19,279 --> 00:05:22,640 Speaker 1: we're making a call based on incomplete information. We don't 104 00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:25,440 Speaker 1: have a clue about what's going on in the life 105 00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:27,760 Speaker 1: of the person who just cut us off on a road, 106 00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:30,760 Speaker 1: but we're very, very quick to assume the absolute worst 107 00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:36,279 Speaker 1: about them. They may indeed be a selfish and considerate prick, however, 108 00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:40,360 Speaker 1: and the absence of any other information, that assumption is 109 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:43,880 Speaker 1: just as made up as anything else that's assumption. That 110 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:46,560 Speaker 1: thing that we're making up often happens immediately and automatically, 111 00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:49,600 Speaker 1: so we may as well, yes it happens, we as 112 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:53,760 Speaker 1: we'll make up something that doesn't make us get upset, like, Oh, 113 00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:55,240 Speaker 1: look at that bloke cutting in front of me. I 114 00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:57,320 Speaker 1: guess his wife must be in a labor her dad 115 00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:58,720 Speaker 1: must be having a heart attack, and she's on the 116 00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:01,040 Speaker 1: way to the hospital. Foot he got canceled, and you've 117 00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:04,479 Speaker 1: got to get the kid from pick up because I 118 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:06,320 Speaker 1: guess the way you can look at it, we are 119 00:06:06,320 --> 00:06:09,680 Speaker 1: the main character in the film that's about our lives. 120 00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:12,400 Speaker 1: All the other people around us extras. We have the 121 00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:16,040 Speaker 1: whole script. We have the motivation for our action, we 122 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:18,880 Speaker 1: have the plan for what's going to happen, and we 123 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:21,440 Speaker 1: know where everything's going. But yeah, we only see the 124 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:24,280 Speaker 1: outsides of everybody else, and at a pinch, we can 125 00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:27,640 Speaker 1: probably make some pretty unfair judgments about why people do 126 00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:29,440 Speaker 1: what they do, especially when it gets in the way 127 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:32,719 Speaker 1: of our plans and the ideas that we had for 128 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:37,200 Speaker 1: a situation that we're in closer to home. However, it's 129 00:06:37,240 --> 00:06:39,200 Speaker 1: also important to understand they're just sort of thinking. When 130 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:42,480 Speaker 1: it comes to thinking this way about your partner or 131 00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:45,960 Speaker 1: maybe even your kids or your parents, if left thumb 132 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:51,360 Speaker 1: checked the fundamental attribution error, it can absolutely destroy a relationship. 133 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:55,039 Speaker 1: So let's say I don't know. Your partner's promised to 134 00:06:55,040 --> 00:07:00,440 Speaker 1: do the dishes all week, but it's Tuesday. They fly, 135 00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:05,040 Speaker 1: but Tuesday they're still in the sink. Come on, It's 136 00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:07,360 Speaker 1: pretty easy to jump to conclusions and go they do 137 00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:09,200 Speaker 1: not respect me, They do not pull a weather around here. 138 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:10,880 Speaker 1: They take me for granted. I don't matter to them. 139 00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:14,760 Speaker 1: They are a selfish asshole. We might assume that we 140 00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:18,040 Speaker 1: know how they're feeling, but we really really don't. We 141 00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:19,440 Speaker 1: don't know if they've been dealing with a bunch of 142 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:22,200 Speaker 1: stuff that we don't know about. Maybe there's things going 143 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:24,160 Speaker 1: on in their family, group chat that they're not ready 144 00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:26,400 Speaker 1: to talk about just yet. Maybe they're not pull up 145 00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:29,240 Speaker 1: on night worrying about their a project at work or 146 00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:32,880 Speaker 1: their mum's hell for I don't know. When we automatically 147 00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:37,360 Speaker 1: assume the worst about the motives in other people, particularly 148 00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:41,120 Speaker 1: in our partners, it can create a toxic cycle of 149 00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:45,120 Speaker 1: resentment and misunderstanding, and that can be followed by poor 150 00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:49,760 Speaker 1: behavior on our part because we justify our shitty behavior 151 00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:52,360 Speaker 1: because God, they deserve it the way they treat me. 152 00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:56,760 Speaker 1: I've justified doing this because they did that. That's no great. 153 00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:01,120 Speaker 1: So if you don't get a hair of the fundamental 154 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:04,720 Speaker 1: attribution eraror stuff, it can start to happen. So often 155 00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:08,880 Speaker 1: you slip into something called a negative sentiment override, which 156 00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:10,880 Speaker 1: is a fancy way of saying that you just can't 157 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:14,920 Speaker 1: see anything good. It's a survival trait once again, so 158 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:17,560 Speaker 1: you can't be upset that it happens, but it's important 159 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:19,240 Speaker 1: to know it's there because you can absolutely destroy a 160 00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:23,640 Speaker 1: relationship at home, at work, or on a macro scale. 161 00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:26,760 Speaker 1: It can pull a community apart. I'm going to chat 162 00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:30,680 Speaker 1: about that and a bit around how to work around 163 00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:41,920 Speaker 1: it and work with it. Right after the break. Thanks 164 00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:43,680 Speaker 1: so much for listening to the show. I guess look, 165 00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:45,880 Speaker 1: before we go any further, I just want to be 166 00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:50,199 Speaker 1: absolutely clear. What I'm talking about today is when an 167 00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:56,520 Speaker 1: otherwise healthy relationship has become I guess unhealthy. It's kind 168 00:08:56,559 --> 00:09:01,200 Speaker 1: of steered towards things being more cranky than caring. To 169 00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:04,520 Speaker 1: be absolutely clear, I am not discussing any kind of controlling, 170 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:08,319 Speaker 1: any kind of emotional manipulation, or any kind of gas 171 00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:11,080 Speaker 1: lighting or anything like that. That is not what I'm 172 00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:14,160 Speaker 1: talking about. I do understand that sometimes it's hard to 173 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:17,920 Speaker 1: get perspective when a relationship that is in trouble can 174 00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:21,160 Speaker 1: cross a line towards those very dangerous areas, and there 175 00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:25,320 Speaker 1: it is imperative to get outside perspective, get another point 176 00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:27,480 Speaker 1: of view. If he needs you, call a helpline call 177 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:30,559 Speaker 1: one eight how to Respect, or another helpline like that. 178 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,960 Speaker 1: Chat through the situation, see if there might be something 179 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:37,000 Speaker 1: else that is going on. But I want to be 180 00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:40,400 Speaker 1: absolutely clear what I'm talking about here. There's an assumption 181 00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:43,599 Speaker 1: that what I'm discussing here is where everyone in the 182 00:09:43,679 --> 00:09:46,440 Speaker 1: relationship is acting from a place of good faith, from 183 00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:49,840 Speaker 1: a place of love, just trying to do their best 184 00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:52,319 Speaker 1: to make the relationship work with the tools that they have. 185 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:56,640 Speaker 1: And yet some of those mental survival mechanisms that we 186 00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:58,520 Speaker 1: have in our heads are kind of getting in the way, 187 00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:03,199 Speaker 1: become caught in a bit of a loop, and start 188 00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:08,440 Speaker 1: to affect us in in an unhelpful way. So, having 189 00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:10,400 Speaker 1: said that, if you do find yourself stuck in a 190 00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:14,120 Speaker 1: place of look, I have reasons, but you have excuses 191 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:16,440 Speaker 1: if you get there for long enough to end up 192 00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:21,440 Speaker 1: with something called negative sentiment override. It's where a positive 193 00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:25,400 Speaker 1: or even a neutral behavior from your partner can get 194 00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:30,079 Speaker 1: filtered through a negative lens and interpret it as a problem. 195 00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:34,560 Speaker 1: And in that state, a genuinely caring action can get 196 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:39,200 Speaker 1: reframed as something manipulative or insincere or just plain inadequate. 197 00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:43,400 Speaker 1: Never enough. There's been a bunch of research about this stuff, 198 00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:46,040 Speaker 1: and it's shown that people who get stuck in this 199 00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:51,040 Speaker 1: space can often dismiss or even minimize positive interactions and 200 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:54,960 Speaker 1: amplify negative ones. Your partner brings you a cup of coffee, 201 00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:57,960 Speaker 1: instead of appreciating it, your brain goes, oh, they're only 202 00:10:58,040 --> 00:11:01,440 Speaker 1: doing this, they must want something or guilty. Well, it's 203 00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:03,199 Speaker 1: not going to make up for what they did last night. 204 00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:05,720 Speaker 1: But now this is linked, as I said, it's linked 205 00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:08,920 Speaker 1: to an evolutionary trait. Because it's linked to an evolutionary trait, 206 00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:10,800 Speaker 1: a survival mechanism. There's a few things going on a 207 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:13,000 Speaker 1: brain which cause it first off, the your megdala, your 208 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:15,120 Speaker 1: alarm system. It just kind of goes hey wire. So 209 00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:16,880 Speaker 1: the amgdal is a part of the brain that keeps 210 00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:19,199 Speaker 1: you safe from threat. It can start to see your 211 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:21,440 Speaker 1: partner or see someone close to you as if they're dangerous, 212 00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:24,600 Speaker 1: and you can get to a point where even the 213 00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:28,320 Speaker 1: tiniest interaction triggers that kind of danger signal, even if 214 00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:30,240 Speaker 1: they're just asking do you want to watch this show 215 00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:32,960 Speaker 1: or that show? It can just set off this huge 216 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:36,040 Speaker 1: alarm bell. And what's kind of insidious is that it 217 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:38,559 Speaker 1: can start to even affect your memory in that your 218 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:45,600 Speaker 1: brain remembers negative things really, really really clearly, while good 219 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:48,600 Speaker 1: or positive memories you can get they can get fuzzy 220 00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:52,520 Speaker 1: or even get rewritten, reinterpreted. So good stuff might have happened, 221 00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:54,440 Speaker 1: but you don't really remember it. You don't remember the 222 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:57,400 Speaker 1: really really bad stuff. That incredible weekend away you had 223 00:11:57,440 --> 00:11:59,080 Speaker 1: three months ago, you know, the one where you know 224 00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:03,559 Speaker 1: there's pansa hoy and hurray for everything. Your brain will 225 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:06,480 Speaker 1: kind of edit it out to find when you remember it. 226 00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:08,920 Speaker 1: You only remember that one small argument you had. You 227 00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:11,560 Speaker 1: don't remember all the fun parts. And when you feel 228 00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:14,000 Speaker 1: like this, well, of course you're full of stress, homos, 229 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:18,040 Speaker 1: you flooded. You can't think clearly, and that constant relationship 230 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:20,679 Speaker 1: drama just pumps out cortisol, which makes it really difficult 231 00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:22,400 Speaker 1: for the rational part of your brain to work. When 232 00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:24,920 Speaker 1: you're in that stress situation, you can end up just 233 00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:28,800 Speaker 1: operating on pure reactive emotion and your ability to think logically. 234 00:12:29,679 --> 00:12:32,200 Speaker 1: It doesn't it's hard to access it at all. So 235 00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:35,280 Speaker 1: it makes sense that everything feels so intense. How do 236 00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:38,440 Speaker 1: we end up in a place like this, Well, it's 237 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:42,360 Speaker 1: hard to accept sometimes, but typically it's when small hurts 238 00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:45,640 Speaker 1: or negative things that have happened between you never really 239 00:12:45,679 --> 00:12:48,079 Speaker 1: get resolved and they start to accumulate over time, and 240 00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:49,800 Speaker 1: then it feel it's like a death by a thousand 241 00:12:49,840 --> 00:12:52,360 Speaker 1: paper cards. Right. I don't know. Maybe they just missed 242 00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:54,680 Speaker 1: something you were excited about and then they forgot something 243 00:12:54,679 --> 00:12:56,800 Speaker 1: that was important to you, or they said something thoughtless 244 00:12:56,840 --> 00:13:00,640 Speaker 1: during a fight when they were elevated and there's no repair. 245 00:13:00,679 --> 00:13:03,120 Speaker 1: Each one of those unresolved issues becomes a tiny wound 246 00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:07,320 Speaker 1: that never heals, and then anything starts to mean everything. 247 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:10,920 Speaker 1: Because when you consider that we all have basic relationship needs. 248 00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:12,520 Speaker 1: We need to feel safe. You need to feel valued, 249 00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:15,200 Speaker 1: we need to feel luck, we matter. When those three 250 00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:17,959 Speaker 1: things feel constantly threatened, it's like a partner stops being 251 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:20,600 Speaker 1: a teammate and starts, I don't know, feeling like someone 252 00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:23,439 Speaker 1: who might be bad for you. To be clear, I'm 253 00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:26,440 Speaker 1: not talking about someone who's physically dangerous. It's not what 254 00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:29,120 Speaker 1: we're talking about here. So if you do find yourself 255 00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:33,160 Speaker 1: in this spot and all you're hearing is excuses, well 256 00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,240 Speaker 1: I have good news for you because you can actually 257 00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:38,360 Speaker 1: rewire this stuff, but you have to be willing to 258 00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:41,000 Speaker 1: work at it. Like most things, breathing makes it better. 259 00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:46,400 Speaker 1: Calm down, recognize it happening. Oh, I'm hearing excuses when 260 00:13:46,679 --> 00:13:51,080 Speaker 1: I'm being given reasons, right, Okay, you can't think clearly 261 00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:53,400 Speaker 1: when your brain's in threat mode. You're actually you're actually 262 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:57,679 Speaker 1: unable to process positive information about your partner when you're 263 00:13:57,679 --> 00:14:02,000 Speaker 1: flooded with stress foremodes. So t you can take some slow, 264 00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:04,440 Speaker 1: deep breaths in the moment. Maybe take a break and 265 00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:06,360 Speaker 1: you meditate, go for a run, whatever you've got to do. 266 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:09,280 Speaker 1: Get your nervous systems to slow down, to challenge the 267 00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:11,040 Speaker 1: automatic negativity where you're going to have to do some 268 00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:14,560 Speaker 1: burpies around this. You have to get stronger around this. 269 00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:17,960 Speaker 1: There's a hard one, but it works. It's called three 270 00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:21,320 Speaker 1: generous reasons. So when you think about something negative about 271 00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:24,240 Speaker 1: your partner, try as hard as you can to come 272 00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:30,160 Speaker 1: up with three other explanations. So they didn't text you back, 273 00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:33,080 Speaker 1: I don't know. Maybe they were in a meeting, Maybe 274 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:36,520 Speaker 1: they might be driving, Maybe they're possibly doing some meditating 275 00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:41,120 Speaker 1: of their own. Because your worst assumption, if you don't 276 00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:43,480 Speaker 1: know the truth, you're assuming something. Oh, then it takes 277 00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:45,840 Speaker 1: back because they don't care. That is as real as 278 00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:47,640 Speaker 1: any of the other ones. So if you put three 279 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:51,840 Speaker 1: positive ones against that negative one, it can make it 280 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:55,320 Speaker 1: be less intense. Keep looking out for the good stuff. 281 00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:56,920 Speaker 1: Stay on the hunt for the good stuff. There's another 282 00:14:56,920 --> 00:14:59,280 Speaker 1: way of looking at this. Deliberately. Look for positive things 283 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:03,400 Speaker 1: that your partner the acknowledge them. Yeah, write them down, 284 00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:04,720 Speaker 1: keep a note on your phone if you need to. 285 00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:11,200 Speaker 1: Your brain needs evidence that contradicts the negative narrative, and 286 00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:13,520 Speaker 1: if you actively feed at that evidence, it starts to 287 00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:16,200 Speaker 1: again diminish those kind of negative lips that go on. 288 00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:21,440 Speaker 1: But if you're really really convinced about the way they 289 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:25,200 Speaker 1: simply have to be feeling about this, test your assumption. 290 00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:28,000 Speaker 1: If you think you know exactly why they did something, 291 00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:30,360 Speaker 1: you could ask them. You're going to have to be 292 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:36,000 Speaker 1: prepared to believe them, though, but you could ask them. 293 00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:39,360 Speaker 1: You might be completely wrong about the motivation they had. 294 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:42,800 Speaker 1: I don't know. You've been a relationship, so I've been 295 00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:45,040 Speaker 1: in a relationship in one now, Yeah, a lot of fights. 296 00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:49,200 Speaker 1: Fights often happen because someone's absolutely sure what their partner's thinking. 297 00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:53,520 Speaker 1: Then they're often not right. Part of working on that 298 00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:58,640 Speaker 1: muscle as well is appreciating the other person out loud. 299 00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:01,360 Speaker 1: So when your partner does do something good, you say something, 300 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:04,080 Speaker 1: even something small, you say something positive, and that starts 301 00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:08,120 Speaker 1: to rewire your brain toward looking for more positive interactions 302 00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:11,240 Speaker 1: and creating more positive interactions. But it's also important to 303 00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:13,840 Speaker 1: know when you're out gunned. Sometimes this stuff has gone 304 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:16,520 Speaker 1: on a bit too long, it's too deep to handle alone. 305 00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:19,200 Speaker 1: You might be carrying someone from the past that's contributing 306 00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:23,720 Speaker 1: to it, or the negativity is really entrenched. Getting help, 307 00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:27,000 Speaker 1: getting another perspective that isn't the other person involved. It's 308 00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:32,320 Speaker 1: really clever because you might be unable to see things 309 00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:36,960 Speaker 1: from another perspective. The bottom line is that these things, 310 00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:42,560 Speaker 1: this fundamental attribution error and the negative sentiment override thing. 311 00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:45,560 Speaker 1: It's not a character floor. It's something that your brain 312 00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:48,960 Speaker 1: does to try to protect you. But what it's doing 313 00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:53,080 Speaker 1: is using a sledgehammer when you're probably just I don't know, 314 00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:56,000 Speaker 1: need a little pair of tweezers like the ones you 315 00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:59,080 Speaker 1: get your splinter out with. The first thing, just recognize 316 00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:02,560 Speaker 1: when it's happening, name it, know it, and then start 317 00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:04,280 Speaker 1: trying to use some of those things I talked about. 318 00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:07,600 Speaker 1: The good news is your brain created these negative patterns, 319 00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:12,560 Speaker 1: and your brain can create healthier patterns as well. Don't 320 00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:17,080 Speaker 1: get me wrong. Sometimes relationships really are really bad, really toxic, 321 00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:20,680 Speaker 1: and your suspicions may be incredibly valid. That's why another 322 00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:24,159 Speaker 1: perspective is real important. But if you do put the 323 00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:28,560 Speaker 1: work in and you're thinking clearly instead of just reacting, well, 324 00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:31,600 Speaker 1: for start, it can make driving a lot more pleasant, safer. 325 00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:35,640 Speaker 1: You know, your relationships at work, at home, with your kids, 326 00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:39,240 Speaker 1: or your parents, or your partner. It can actually change 327 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:43,919 Speaker 1: things a lot. If we're going to invent a story 328 00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:46,879 Speaker 1: to react to based on incomplete information, because we can 329 00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:50,399 Speaker 1: never know what another person truly feels, you may as 330 00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:52,520 Speaker 1: well invent a story that helps you have a nicer time. 331 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:56,440 Speaker 1: That's the great Wolfy my son told me today on 332 00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:58,879 Speaker 1: the couch. You know, dad, the superpower we have as 333 00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:03,640 Speaker 1: humans and jam Wynd he's fucking five man. I didn't 334 00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:11,080 Speaker 1: tell him that. That's amazing, what a guy. Thanks for listening. 335 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:13,919 Speaker 1: I hope that was some use. I hope that helped. 336 00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:17,080 Speaker 1: Let me know what you think. Send us email atjmail 337 00:18:17,119 --> 00:18:20,000 Speaker 1: dot com. You can also jump on the substack and 338 00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:23,520 Speaker 1: there's some surprises and I've got some more things to 339 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:26,160 Speaker 1: say on Wednesday about what other stuff is coming around 340 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:28,919 Speaker 1: the announcement of the book. But I'll just say this, 341 00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:33,000 Speaker 1: getting involved will be worth it. That's what I'll tell you. 342 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:36,920 Speaker 1: Getting involved will be worth it. Thanks having a bunch 343 00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:52,119 Speaker 1: for making this show, and I'll see you Wednesday.