Speaker 1: Hi, everyone, Carlie Taylor here for this speaks Mojoe Monday.
Speaker 1: I actually have a Rhodesion ridgeback. She's around fifty five kilos.
Speaker 1: She's a really big girl, and she's lying on the
Speaker 1: floor snoring, So I don't know if it is going
Speaker 1: to come through, but I've decided I'm not going to
Speaker 1: move her because she's quite peacefully asleep. So today I
Speaker 1: am going to talk about responsibility for our choices. And
Speaker 1: I've been just started reading a book called Existential Psychotherapy
Speaker 1: by Ervan Yellham. It's a very thick book, but I'm
Speaker 1: super super excited about it, so I will no doubt
Speaker 1: be sharing some of the stuff I'm learning from that book.
Speaker 1: But I also want to bring a perspective in around responsibility,
Speaker 1: which is inspired by Jean Praul Satra, who is the
Speaker 1: existential fuller who believe that we are all radically free
Speaker 1: and as a result, responsible for how we live our lives.
Speaker 1: And I did talk about some of his stuff in
Speaker 1: a previous No Joe Monday episode if you want to
Speaker 1: go back and listen to that. But what he is
Speaker 1: saying it doesn't mean that we have control over everything,
Speaker 1: because of course we don't. And we certainly know that
Speaker 1: there are people suffering due to circumstances beyond their control.
Speaker 1: But we do have a freedom within these boundaries of
Speaker 1: whatever our circumstances are. And psychotherapist Urvan Yellam builds on
Speaker 1: this and he emphasizes that while we are shaped by
Speaker 1: our past, we are ultimately responsible for what we do
Speaker 1: with it and our attitude towards it, and our freedom
Speaker 1: to choose our response. That's where this true personal power lies.
Speaker 1: And here's something really important to understand. You are not
Speaker 1: respond for your automatic thoughts and emotions. So I'm going
Speaker 1: to say that again. You are not responsible for the
Speaker 1: thoughts that pop into your head or the emotions that
Speaker 1: turn up in response to a situation. And there's a
Speaker 1: good reason for that. And I want to really stress
Speaker 1: this because so many people want to change how they
Speaker 1: feel or what they think. And of course this is
Speaker 1: a natural response to really uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that
Speaker 1: can easily take over. And actually, I'll let you in
Speaker 1: on one of my automatic responses to certain situations. My
Speaker 1: mind and my body warn me that I won't fit in,
Speaker 1: that I should say no to things that I should
Speaker 1: avoid circumstances because it's too risky of you know, there's
Speaker 1: a high risk of being rejected or failing is too high.
Speaker 1: And this automatic reaction happens all the time, and it's
Speaker 1: really frustrating because I have to work hard to ensure
Speaker 1: that I don't give into it and that it's something,
Speaker 1: you know, especially if it's something that's really important to me.
Speaker 1: But here's the thing, we as humans have lost touch
Speaker 1: with our true nature. This is so important because we
Speaker 1: are part of nature itself. But we also have these
Speaker 1: incredible brains or these incredible minds that allow us to
Speaker 1: think about the past, think about the future, problem solve
Speaker 1: connect ideas, relate one thing to another. And at the
Speaker 1: same time, we have these systems running in our body
Speaker 1: that we can't control because these systems are designed to
Speaker 1: keep us alive. And the problem is that these stress
Speaker 1: response systems are responding to dangers that in our modern
Speaker 1: life are rarely life threatening in the short term anyway,
Speaker 1: and our limbic system, particularly the amygdala, reacts to these
Speaker 1: perceived threats before our rational brain, the prefrontal cortex, even
Speaker 1: has a chance to step in. And that's why I
Speaker 1: feel anxious before I do a big presentation, or I
Speaker 1: feel frustrated when something doesn't go in my way, or
Speaker 1: sometimes I just feel anxious and I don't even know why.
Speaker 1: That's my brain and body reacting to a perceived threat.
Speaker 1: So I'm wired to have this automatic reaction. So I
Speaker 1: may not consciously know why I feel anxious, but it's
Speaker 1: my mind and my body know. And maybe that's not
Speaker 1: very helpful, but there is a reason, and it's a protective,
Speaker 1: natural process based on my past experience, so based on
Speaker 1: my brain wiring. So if these reactions are automatic, what
Speaker 1: are you responsible for? Well, you are responsible for how
Speaker 1: you respond. So let's break down the word respec reponsibility.
Speaker 1: It's the ability to respond. So that's where our power lies.
Speaker 1: So you might not choose your initial reaction, that you
Speaker 1: can choose what happens next. You have a choice. This
Speaker 1: is where you are free to choose. So do you
Speaker 1: choose to let your emotions hijack your behavior or do
Speaker 1: you respond in a way that aligns with the person
Speaker 1: that you want to be or respond to the needs
Speaker 1: of the moment. And this is where self awareness comes in.
Speaker 1: Without awareness, there's no change without awareness, there's no space
Speaker 1: between something happening and you're responding. You're just running on autopilot,
Speaker 1: reacting based on how you're feeling or what you're thinking,
Speaker 1: and it's based on old patterns. But when you develop
Speaker 1: the ability or the awareness to notice your thoughts and emotions,
Speaker 1: which is what psychologists call me cognition, you create that
Speaker 1: crucial space, and in that space you decide what you do,
Speaker 1: because what's the alternative. Were staying in this rut hoping
Speaker 1: that we can talk our way out of it, But
Speaker 1: I think that talking about it should be just the
Speaker 1: first step to creating awareness. And then as soon as
Speaker 1: you've developed this level of self awareness of your automatic
Speaker 1: reactions why you may be reacting like that, then you
Speaker 1: can decide that it's not going to take over and
Speaker 1: be your full identity anymore. That you can start to
Speaker 1: take action based on what's important to you. So Ervin
Speaker 1: Yellam he emphasizes that taking responsibility it's not about self blame,
Speaker 1: but about recognizing that, regardless of our past, we have
Speaker 1: the power to shape our present and future. So he
Speaker 1: argues that avoiding this responsibility often leads to this existential
Speaker 1: distress because deep down, deep down, we all do know
Speaker 1: that we're free to choose, and yet sometimes denying that
Speaker 1: freedom is out of fear. But denying responsibility doesn't remove it,
Speaker 1: It only makes us feel more stuck. I hope that
Speaker 1: makes sense. So how do we create this space? We
Speaker 1: need to step back from this busyness of life, step
Speaker 1: back from the constant distractions of technology, and take time out,
Speaker 1: preferably in nature. Slow down, tap into our five senses,
Speaker 1: get out of our heads and tap into our sense
Speaker 1: of sight, sound, smell, touch. And when we do this,
Speaker 1: we slow down enough to notice how we feel, notice
Speaker 1: our thoughts, accept them for what they are, which is
Speaker 1: simply part of being human. It's part of the human experience.
Speaker 1: And then from this place of awareness, we can decide
Speaker 1: how we're going to respond. So Yellam reminds us that
Speaker 1: we can't escape responsibility for our lives. We may not
Speaker 1: control our circumstances, but we do control, or we do
Speaker 1: have control over how we react to them, and in
Speaker 1: that control, that's where we find our freedom. So next
Speaker 1: time you feel triggered, which you will, because we all do.
Speaker 1: We all get triggered. Next time you feel triggered or
Speaker 1: frustrated or anxious, remember this, that initial thought or feeling
Speaker 1: is not your fault and you have no control over that.
Speaker 1: It's your brain doing its thing and what you do
Speaker 1: with it that's on you. That's the moment of choice,
Speaker 1: and it's really hard, but take on the challenge. I
Speaker 1: have been working on this for years, both personally in
Speaker 1: my own life and also with my clients. It's why
Speaker 1: I love ACT Acceptance Commitment therapy. It's why I love
Speaker 1: Japanese psychology because they give you the tools to be
Speaker 1: able to create this space and it makes such a
Speaker 1: difference to people's lives because it's that choice. If we
Speaker 1: can find that space, that's where our freedom is, that's
Speaker 1: where our responsibility is, and then we can choose. So
Speaker 1: you are not a prisoner of your automatic reactions. You
Speaker 1: have the ability to respond. You can develop that skill.
Speaker 1: So I think the best place to start is to
Speaker 1: practice being aware, aware of your automatic reactions to things,
Speaker 1: even the just the small data day stuff like how
Speaker 1: do you react when you're driving and you've got you're
Speaker 1: in a hurry and you've got a slow driver in
Speaker 1: front of you, Or how do you react to, you know,
Speaker 1: somebody giving you a funny look? Like every single day
Speaker 1: we are reacting to our circumstances and just start to
Speaker 1: notice it, because that's when you start to notice it,
Speaker 1: that's when you increase that self awareness, and self awareness
Speaker 1: is critical for any change. So I hope you got
Speaker 1: value out of that, and I hope you also have
Speaker 1: a really great week and I will catch you next week.
Speaker 1: See yup.