1 00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:12,760 Speaker 1: Hi, everyone, Carlie Taylor here for this speaks Mojoe Monday. 2 00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:19,040 Speaker 1: I actually have a Rhodesion ridgeback. She's around fifty five kilos. 3 00:00:19,040 --> 00:00:21,400 Speaker 1: She's a really big girl, and she's lying on the 4 00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:24,079 Speaker 1: floor snoring, So I don't know if it is going 5 00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:26,759 Speaker 1: to come through, but I've decided I'm not going to 6 00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:32,040 Speaker 1: move her because she's quite peacefully asleep. So today I 7 00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:36,400 Speaker 1: am going to talk about responsibility for our choices. And 8 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:40,879 Speaker 1: I've been just started reading a book called Existential Psychotherapy 9 00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:44,200 Speaker 1: by Ervan Yellham. It's a very thick book, but I'm 10 00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:47,240 Speaker 1: super super excited about it, so I will no doubt 11 00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:50,440 Speaker 1: be sharing some of the stuff I'm learning from that book. 12 00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:55,040 Speaker 1: But I also want to bring a perspective in around responsibility, 13 00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:58,440 Speaker 1: which is inspired by Jean Praul Satra, who is the 14 00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:04,520 Speaker 1: existential fuller who believe that we are all radically free 15 00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:08,760 Speaker 1: and as a result, responsible for how we live our lives. 16 00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:11,240 Speaker 1: And I did talk about some of his stuff in 17 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:14,399 Speaker 1: a previous No Joe Monday episode if you want to 18 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:17,039 Speaker 1: go back and listen to that. But what he is 19 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:20,440 Speaker 1: saying it doesn't mean that we have control over everything, 20 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:23,560 Speaker 1: because of course we don't. And we certainly know that 21 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:28,240 Speaker 1: there are people suffering due to circumstances beyond their control. 22 00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:32,160 Speaker 1: But we do have a freedom within these boundaries of 23 00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:37,760 Speaker 1: whatever our circumstances are. And psychotherapist Urvan Yellam builds on 24 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:41,720 Speaker 1: this and he emphasizes that while we are shaped by 25 00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:46,360 Speaker 1: our past, we are ultimately responsible for what we do 26 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:50,040 Speaker 1: with it and our attitude towards it, and our freedom 27 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:54,880 Speaker 1: to choose our response. That's where this true personal power lies. 28 00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:59,480 Speaker 1: And here's something really important to understand. You are not 29 00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:03,760 Speaker 1: respond for your automatic thoughts and emotions. So I'm going 30 00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:07,200 Speaker 1: to say that again. You are not responsible for the 31 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:10,840 Speaker 1: thoughts that pop into your head or the emotions that 32 00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:15,480 Speaker 1: turn up in response to a situation. And there's a 33 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:18,120 Speaker 1: good reason for that. And I want to really stress 34 00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:22,359 Speaker 1: this because so many people want to change how they 35 00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:25,400 Speaker 1: feel or what they think. And of course this is 36 00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:29,080 Speaker 1: a natural response to really uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that 37 00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:32,839 Speaker 1: can easily take over. And actually, I'll let you in 38 00:02:32,919 --> 00:02:37,480 Speaker 1: on one of my automatic responses to certain situations. My 39 00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:42,280 Speaker 1: mind and my body warn me that I won't fit in, 40 00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:44,600 Speaker 1: that I should say no to things that I should 41 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:49,399 Speaker 1: avoid circumstances because it's too risky of you know, there's 42 00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:53,240 Speaker 1: a high risk of being rejected or failing is too high. 43 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:57,760 Speaker 1: And this automatic reaction happens all the time, and it's 44 00:02:57,840 --> 00:03:01,519 Speaker 1: really frustrating because I have to work hard to ensure 45 00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:04,400 Speaker 1: that I don't give into it and that it's something, 46 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:08,160 Speaker 1: you know, especially if it's something that's really important to me. 47 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:13,720 Speaker 1: But here's the thing, we as humans have lost touch 48 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:17,680 Speaker 1: with our true nature. This is so important because we 49 00:03:17,919 --> 00:03:22,440 Speaker 1: are part of nature itself. But we also have these 50 00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:27,640 Speaker 1: incredible brains or these incredible minds that allow us to 51 00:03:27,919 --> 00:03:31,239 Speaker 1: think about the past, think about the future, problem solve 52 00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:35,680 Speaker 1: connect ideas, relate one thing to another. And at the 53 00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:39,040 Speaker 1: same time, we have these systems running in our body 54 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:42,720 Speaker 1: that we can't control because these systems are designed to 55 00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:46,680 Speaker 1: keep us alive. And the problem is that these stress 56 00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:50,600 Speaker 1: response systems are responding to dangers that in our modern 57 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:54,120 Speaker 1: life are rarely life threatening in the short term anyway, 58 00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:59,440 Speaker 1: and our limbic system, particularly the amygdala, reacts to these 59 00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:04,760 Speaker 1: perceived threats before our rational brain, the prefrontal cortex, even 60 00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:09,400 Speaker 1: has a chance to step in. And that's why I 61 00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:12,080 Speaker 1: feel anxious before I do a big presentation, or I 62 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:15,120 Speaker 1: feel frustrated when something doesn't go in my way, or 63 00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:17,919 Speaker 1: sometimes I just feel anxious and I don't even know why. 64 00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:24,920 Speaker 1: That's my brain and body reacting to a perceived threat. 65 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:30,039 Speaker 1: So I'm wired to have this automatic reaction. So I 66 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:34,080 Speaker 1: may not consciously know why I feel anxious, but it's 67 00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:37,240 Speaker 1: my mind and my body know. And maybe that's not 68 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:42,400 Speaker 1: very helpful, but there is a reason, and it's a protective, 69 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:48,440 Speaker 1: natural process based on my past experience, so based on 70 00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:52,560 Speaker 1: my brain wiring. So if these reactions are automatic, what 71 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:56,640 Speaker 1: are you responsible for? Well, you are responsible for how 72 00:04:56,680 --> 00:05:00,800 Speaker 1: you respond. So let's break down the word respec reponsibility. 73 00:05:01,279 --> 00:05:06,839 Speaker 1: It's the ability to respond. So that's where our power lies. 74 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:10,360 Speaker 1: So you might not choose your initial reaction, that you 75 00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:13,960 Speaker 1: can choose what happens next. You have a choice. This 76 00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:16,960 Speaker 1: is where you are free to choose. So do you 77 00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:22,039 Speaker 1: choose to let your emotions hijack your behavior or do 78 00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:24,719 Speaker 1: you respond in a way that aligns with the person 79 00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:28,600 Speaker 1: that you want to be or respond to the needs 80 00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:32,640 Speaker 1: of the moment. And this is where self awareness comes in. 81 00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:38,520 Speaker 1: Without awareness, there's no change without awareness, there's no space 82 00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:43,080 Speaker 1: between something happening and you're responding. You're just running on autopilot, 83 00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:46,719 Speaker 1: reacting based on how you're feeling or what you're thinking, 84 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:51,880 Speaker 1: and it's based on old patterns. But when you develop 85 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:57,719 Speaker 1: the ability or the awareness to notice your thoughts and emotions, 86 00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:02,560 Speaker 1: which is what psychologists call me cognition, you create that 87 00:06:02,839 --> 00:06:08,400 Speaker 1: crucial space, and in that space you decide what you do, 88 00:06:09,279 --> 00:06:13,080 Speaker 1: because what's the alternative. Were staying in this rut hoping 89 00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:16,279 Speaker 1: that we can talk our way out of it, But 90 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:19,080 Speaker 1: I think that talking about it should be just the 91 00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:23,040 Speaker 1: first step to creating awareness. And then as soon as 92 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:26,920 Speaker 1: you've developed this level of self awareness of your automatic 93 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:30,560 Speaker 1: reactions why you may be reacting like that, then you 94 00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:34,040 Speaker 1: can decide that it's not going to take over and 95 00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:37,200 Speaker 1: be your full identity anymore. That you can start to 96 00:06:37,240 --> 00:06:41,279 Speaker 1: take action based on what's important to you. So Ervin 97 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:46,560 Speaker 1: Yellam he emphasizes that taking responsibility it's not about self blame, 98 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:51,279 Speaker 1: but about recognizing that, regardless of our past, we have 99 00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:54,560 Speaker 1: the power to shape our present and future. So he 100 00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:59,320 Speaker 1: argues that avoiding this responsibility often leads to this existential 101 00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:03,680 Speaker 1: distress because deep down, deep down, we all do know 102 00:07:03,839 --> 00:07:08,200 Speaker 1: that we're free to choose, and yet sometimes denying that 103 00:07:08,279 --> 00:07:13,760 Speaker 1: freedom is out of fear. But denying responsibility doesn't remove it, 104 00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:16,880 Speaker 1: It only makes us feel more stuck. I hope that 105 00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:22,560 Speaker 1: makes sense. So how do we create this space? We 106 00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:27,320 Speaker 1: need to step back from this busyness of life, step 107 00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:33,040 Speaker 1: back from the constant distractions of technology, and take time out, 108 00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:38,640 Speaker 1: preferably in nature. Slow down, tap into our five senses, 109 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:42,320 Speaker 1: get out of our heads and tap into our sense 110 00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:47,440 Speaker 1: of sight, sound, smell, touch. And when we do this, 111 00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:51,320 Speaker 1: we slow down enough to notice how we feel, notice 112 00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:55,360 Speaker 1: our thoughts, accept them for what they are, which is 113 00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:59,800 Speaker 1: simply part of being human. It's part of the human experience. 114 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:04,200 Speaker 1: And then from this place of awareness, we can decide 115 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:09,040 Speaker 1: how we're going to respond. So Yellam reminds us that 116 00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:13,320 Speaker 1: we can't escape responsibility for our lives. We may not 117 00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:17,200 Speaker 1: control our circumstances, but we do control, or we do 118 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:20,800 Speaker 1: have control over how we react to them, and in 119 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:26,040 Speaker 1: that control, that's where we find our freedom. So next 120 00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:30,240 Speaker 1: time you feel triggered, which you will, because we all do. 121 00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:33,480 Speaker 1: We all get triggered. Next time you feel triggered or 122 00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:38,480 Speaker 1: frustrated or anxious, remember this, that initial thought or feeling 123 00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:42,520 Speaker 1: is not your fault and you have no control over that. 124 00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:46,800 Speaker 1: It's your brain doing its thing and what you do 125 00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:50,560 Speaker 1: with it that's on you. That's the moment of choice, 126 00:08:50,559 --> 00:08:54,400 Speaker 1: and it's really hard, but take on the challenge. I 127 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:58,040 Speaker 1: have been working on this for years, both personally in 128 00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:02,760 Speaker 1: my own life and also with my clients. It's why 129 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:05,760 Speaker 1: I love ACT Acceptance Commitment therapy. It's why I love 130 00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:10,880 Speaker 1: Japanese psychology because they give you the tools to be 131 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:14,680 Speaker 1: able to create this space and it makes such a 132 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:19,600 Speaker 1: difference to people's lives because it's that choice. If we 133 00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:23,520 Speaker 1: can find that space, that's where our freedom is, that's 134 00:09:23,559 --> 00:09:27,600 Speaker 1: where our responsibility is, and then we can choose. So 135 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:31,400 Speaker 1: you are not a prisoner of your automatic reactions. You 136 00:09:31,559 --> 00:09:36,080 Speaker 1: have the ability to respond. You can develop that skill. 137 00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:40,240 Speaker 1: So I think the best place to start is to 138 00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:45,640 Speaker 1: practice being aware, aware of your automatic reactions to things, 139 00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:49,480 Speaker 1: even the just the small data day stuff like how 140 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:53,000 Speaker 1: do you react when you're driving and you've got you're 141 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,760 Speaker 1: in a hurry and you've got a slow driver in 142 00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:59,880 Speaker 1: front of you, Or how do you react to, you know, 143 00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:04,520 Speaker 1: somebody giving you a funny look? Like every single day 144 00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:08,080 Speaker 1: we are reacting to our circumstances and just start to 145 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:11,600 Speaker 1: notice it, because that's when you start to notice it, 146 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:16,479 Speaker 1: that's when you increase that self awareness, and self awareness 147 00:10:16,559 --> 00:10:21,640 Speaker 1: is critical for any change. So I hope you got 148 00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:24,840 Speaker 1: value out of that, and I hope you also have 149 00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:27,480 Speaker 1: a really great week and I will catch you next week. 150 00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:28,079 Speaker 1: See yup.